Meeting topic: Step Two

I was at a meeting last night where there were parents whose children are either alcoholics or drug addicts. Last week at the Tuesday meeting, I listened to the parents who had such hope before and during the holidays, cry out in dispair because their children had slipped and gone back to drugs or alcohol. It is hard for me to imagine the difficulty that these parents face in detaching from their child and admitting their powerlessness. One parent indicated last night that he had decided to file a warrant because his adult child has stolen from him. He said that it was an agonizing decision but one that he had to do in order to quit enabling the addict. Another parent is dealing with a daughter who blames him for the mother's alcoholism. And yet another mother is in pain because her daughter is an addict who manipulates for money. Each person indicated that they had to look to a Higher Power to help them through the pain. It was good that the topic was Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My willingness to believe came on very slowly but when it came, it was as an epiphany. The night before my father suddenly died, I felt a strong need to be with my parents so I got up out of bed, dressed, and drove to their house. I talked with my dad for over an hour before he told me to go home and that he would be fine. He also told me to take care of my SO because there was a lot of goodness there. The next morning he died due to sudden death from cardiac failure complicated by pulmonary disease. I always felt guilty that I hadn't recognized something that evening and taken him to the hospital or perhaps if I had only spent the night there, I could have saved him. This guilt stayed with me for years and I really didn't see it as a positive sign that my HP had called me to be with my dad. I just thought about what I could have done had I recognized the signs of severe illness.

However, on the day that my mother died, the same thing happened. I was talking to a friend who had come by to visit when an anxiety hit me of such intensity that I knew that I had to go see my mother. I told my friend that I needed to leave right then. I drove to the nursing center and walked in as the staff was doing a code blue on my mother. I don't know if she knew that I was there but at least I was able to touch her and ride in the ambulance to the hospital where she was eventually pronounced dead. She had just told the staff that morning that she was in my kitchen, an indication that she was likely already "traveling" on and letting go of this life. She had told me the day before that she had been out dancing with my father so I knew in my heart that she was preparing to leave. I also knew that there was a Higher Power working to bring me to my parents before they died.

About two weeks after my mother's death, I was in the yard in the early morning and a beautiful luna moth flew to cling to a fence where I was standing. The moth gently opened and closed it's wings. The luna moth was my mother's favorite so I knew then that this was a sign of her presence and a way to comfort me. After a few minutes, the moth flew away. I felt so much of my grief lift at that moment, and I felt happy knowing that my mother was free of her earthly cares and troubles. I too was free and comforted by knowing that my HP had given me a great gift by guiding me to be with my parents before they died and by letting me know that all was okay with them. Thus, I came to believe.....

Honesty

I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the section on Honesty in the Al-Anon Blueprint for Progress work book. I had written out my answers before I went to the meeting but wanted to talk more about some of them. I don't know how many of you have used this Fourth Step Inventory work book but it really lays things out. I remember hearing about the book at a meeting several months ago when one of the speakers shared that the book was scary and that he had to get it out of the house. I suppose that the questions being asked weren't where he wanted to go.

I've read that the fourth step is about cleaning up the "wreckage of our past." But it's also about the good things about each of us as well as the negative. Unfortunately, it seems that I am best at being able to recall the negative things about myself because when I write down the positive things, it seems that I am making false statements. Last night after going through the questions on honesty, I realized that I'm not really very terrible but am guilty of being a controlled person who keeps things in check. The fourth step though is about being honest with myself. If I don't do this, then I am setting myself up for not being successful with the other steps to come. I see now how humbling this fourth step is going to be.

Thinking about what makes us who we are

After last night's meeting, I've done a lot of thinking about the actions that we display and how they may benefit or detract depending upon the true intent. The lady who shared her story last night did it bravely and with much feeling. There was a lot of pain expressed. I could feel the level of disappointment over being let down once again by promises that couldn't be kept. The alcoholic is unreliable and it's best for each of us to never forget that. But we also are unreliable because our emotions can take a downward spiral at any moment.

I don't think that I was truly prepared for the intensity of the meeting last night. I had been riding my own little wave of good feelings, and yet I knew that the pending departure of someone I love was weighing heavily on my mind. In short, I feel grief and a great loss. When I first got to the meeting, I could feel my level of anxiety increase. This group is one that I consider my home group since it's where I started. However, there have been some dynamics within the group that put me ill at ease. Nonetheless, I shirked that off and became absorbed in the lady's story. At one particular emotional moment, her sponsor got up and went over to hug her tightly. I wondered at this as it seemed that she needed to get out the emotions and didn't need the distraction at that moment. Then at the end when all was over, her sponsor spoke up and said some things that I found detracted from the story and basically stole the power of the lady who shared her story.

I've seen this happen in this group before. There is one person who dominates the group. I've managed to get past most of it but there have been moments when I've felt defensive and disgusted. It's important to have Al-Anon not be dominated or controlled by any one person. Everyone's sharing is important and worthy and should be done without concern of approval or negative comment. I know that the one person who dominates does so out of a need for control and attention. However, that need isn't something that I choose to nurture or accept. I dealt with parental messages and criticism when growing up and it isn't something that I want to hear in an Al-Anon meeting. Going to an Al-Anon meeting shouldn't create anxiety but lessen it. I've given some thought to actually not sharing on my anniversary date but going to another group instead where there is much more freedom and serenity. I don't like to not face difficult situations but I have to do what I need to do to feel comfortable.

Another anniversary

I went to my home group's meeting tonight and heard the story of one of the group members on her 8th anniversary. For some reason, this group calls it a Birthday which is a bit confusing to me as I think that anniversary comes closer to what I think of. I'm not sure whether Birthday is the common name in Al-Anon or not. There is always a card that is passed around for people to sign and the card talks about the birthday. I always forget that this isn't a true life birthday but one related to recovery and rebirth.

Anyway, the story told was very touching, and there weren't many people there who were dry-eyed. This lady has had a difficult time and has been let down by a lot of people. Mainly though she let herself down (as we have all done) by accepting the behavior of the alcoholic that wasn't acceptable. I really felt for her as she described those occasions that were special to her that the alcoholic ruined by not showing up or arriving drunk and too late. She said that she hates the disease and so do I. It is a terrible disease and life would be so much better without ever having to deal with all the emotional upheaval that alcoholism brings.

After her story, her sponsor stated in her matter of fact way that she was proud of the honesty and sincerity with which her story was told. I know that it must have been very hard for the lady to talk about some of the things that she did. For some reason though, I think that it took away from her story to be told by the sponsor tha she was being honest. I think that the group felt the honesty and didn't need to hear any endorsement of it. I think with so much emotion going into sharing such intimate thoughts with the group, there really isn't much that needs to be said other than thanks. Anything else just seems to be grandstanding.

Saturday

I spent a lot of time outside today, enjoying the sunshine and nice breeze. It was a day to be greatful to be alive. I've tried not to think too much about the days ahead, instead I focused on this day and the hour that I was in. It kept me upbeat and happy with an ability to enjoy what was happening right then. I am in a state of flux right now, being torn between what I want to do and what I need to do, what I want to have and what I have to give up. I've become comfortable with the way things are to a degree but know that life and circumstances can change in the blink of an eye. I'm not forcing anything today though. I'm just coasting on the good things that I feel.

Friday on my mind

I'm looking forward to this weekend and being outside. I've been cooped up at work for most of the week except for a few walks on the beach. The peacefulness continues, and I'm feeling optimistic about so much right now. The good weather with moderate temperatures can only help. One of the best things that I've found to try to keep my mind off difficult times is to exercise or just do something that is physical. Thankfully, I'll be able to spend this weekend doing just that. My body is strong so physical exertion is something that I look forward to. I'm also going to spend some time thinking about those that I love and want to be with. I want them to know that they are appreciated. I feel abundant and free today.

Feeling okay

It's my fourth day of feeling good about myself. And it's been a long time since I didn't get into the self-pity routine of manipulation. I feel at peace with myself and those that I love.

I went for another walk on the beach last night after the rain. It was a mild night and the beach was deserted. I enjoy this time of year when there are no people around.

In another week, a person who I care about will be leaving for a while. I'm trying not to think about that and the sorrow likely to come. It's hard not to grieve, but I'm trying to stay in the moment and live each day as if it is the last. I am praying for strength and hope today.

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

These promises provide me with great comfort and hope.

The new freedom and new happiness is coming, albeit slowly. I have more and more moments when I do feel free and happy. I think that if I keep coming back, those moments will expand into hours and then days.

I'm already learning that my past is something that I need to understand but not fear. It has shaped me to be who I am but not all of it was bad.

I am working hard to find serenity and peace. That will come in time and as I work the steps.

My experience has benefited others, much more than I had ever imagined, through the opportunities to share thoughts at meetings, to chair meetings and to make new friends.

I believe that I am much more compassionate than I have ever been. I have been selfish in the past with focus on the wrong things.

As far as self-seeking, I'm trying to understand and take care of my self but know that I don't have to do this alone.

When I see others who are deep in their dispair and struggling, I feel empathy for them and see my own challenges and character defects in a different light.

I believe that eventually I will have a new attitude and outlook. Part of that is working within me now and helping me to see how lucky I am and how grateful I am for so many things.

When I feel most confused, I turn to prayer, my sponsor and my HP. It takes courage to work the program and I can't do it all by myself.

First meeting on Step Four

I met with my sponsor last night to start my Step Four inventory. We went over a lot of resources including the AA Big Book, the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, the Al-Anon 12 and 12, and the Al-Anon Blue Print for Progress. After looking over the latter, I see that there are many questions that will require a great deal of thought, honesty and courage. It's really ante up time for me. No BS and no spin--just straight talk and thought.

I'm still filled with a sense of well being after the meeting last night. For once, it seems that I am able to see how powerful it can be to put the focus on my self and not be caught up in the tension and fear about another. It feels like I am letting go more each day and not being blocked by thoughts of control. I also have this feeling of trust and love that makes me feel very calm. I pray that the feeling will continue.

After the step meeting, I went to the regular Al-Anon meeting where the topic was communication. That has never been an issue for me but the lack of good communication has just about ruined my marriage. I never wanted to go to bed angry or wake up without a kiss. Living with an alcoholic basically shot those fantasties down. I also wanted to talk through issues and not have them fester into resentments. My alcoholic is very passive though and would choose not to be straightforward. Instead, I would get the silent treatment or a non-committal statement except after a drunk when there would be a lot of remorse and contrition. Over the years, this got to be tiresome as I gave up on believing in the promises offered and lack of response to attempts at really communicating. Eventually, I got to the point that it didn't matter anymore. Now, we are learning to communicate more openly and in a true dialogue. I'm not sure how this will all play out in the long term but it is a step in the right direction.

A day off

I had the day off from work today so I spent it doing some of the things that I like to do. I went to the beach in the morning and walked with one of the dogs. It was a brisk day but it felt good to be outside walking and watching the ships go by in the channel. Today I felt moments of sheer joy and so much serenity, largely because of listening to the peacefulness that came out of the meeting last night. Listening to my sponsor made me realize that there is a way out of all the insanity and pain. I know intellectually that there is but the old adaptations that I have developed around the pain have fit me like a glove for so long that it is hard to put them aside. My need for those things is as real as the drink for the alcoholic or the drugs for the addict. But for the moment I am feeling happy and without expectations or fears.

I have my first meeting on Step Four tonight. I want to keep my positive attitude going and not let myself sink into a mire of self pity. Going over the past isn't always a happy thing for me so I will have to work hard at letting my HP take over and trust that there will be no fear.

I have come to accept that there is a power greater than myself. I've had too many coincidences and been saved from troubles too many times not to believe that there is a HP watching over me. I know that when I slip and let my fears consume me, I make my alcoholic the Higher Power. The alcoholic has no ability or desire to be put in that vaulted role. Always, I need to take my focus off the alcoholic and put it on myself.

My Sponsor's 15th anniversary

Tonight at the Al-Anon meeting, we celebrated my sponsor's 15th anniversary in the program. The story of recovery of this remarkable person was truly touching. I felt so many emotions as I listened. I heard about the trauma of living with hurt from family and wanting to depend on the alcoholic; there was the complete crash as a result of so much pain; and there were the early months of recovery in Al-Anon in which the ego fought back; and finally there was acceptance and forgiveness. I don't think that there is a finer human being and I am so very glad that this person is there to guide me with my character defects and the defective characters in my life. I only hope that some day, I'll have a thimble full of my sponsor's wisdom and serenity. One of the most unique parts of the evening was the exchange of chips in which my sponsor received a 15 year chip. It was the chip of the person who sponsors my sponsor and was being passed along. That brought tears to my eyes.

What is healthy love?

I was reading a blog entry by Tab on learning to love in healthy ways. This was her Valentine's Day message:

Happy Valentines Day to all who are learning that love
is something healthy we deserve and can share between
each other as healthy healing adults...............everyday ~

What she wrote really hit me as I have made a mess of love through my codependent behavior. I went into my marriage hoping to change the person that I loved from being a depressed unhappy drinker. I had tried on and off for several years before my marriage to figure out why I was willing to put up with the outrageous behavior of my SO. I guess as Tab states, it was the rose colored glasses that I chose to wear. If I had felt better about myself, I doubt that I would have married then or perhaps ever. I know that I love deeply and haven't cut myself off my people through fear of getting close. What happens to me is that I love too much and hope that I am able to fill a lot of insecurities in my emotional well being through having the love of another person.

I still find that I am getting hurt when I try to demand too much in the relationship. I have dreams and thoughts that I want to see fulfilled but the other person doesn't have the ability to make those things happen. I know that I put too many emotional demands on others when I need to just love and trust myself. The whole revisited idea of "live and let live". The alcoholic has to work a selfish program, yet I am expecting to have a person who is basically incapable of providing it, supply me with some emotional needs that I am missing. What a messed up concept since I know that I am the only one who can fill those missing holes that exist in my heart. I wonder how many years and how much hurt it will take before I wake up and not have any expectations from another. I'm ready for it to stop and am hoping that I'll be able to love in a healthy undemanding way through the help of the program.

Chairing an AA meeting

I had the most amazing experience today. Once again, being out of town, I went to an AA meeting. It was a couple of blocks from the hotel so I arrived a bit early. There were two guys there and they introduced themselves. While I shared some coffee with them, I explained that I was a guest and affiliated with Al-Anon. One of the fellows asked if I would chair the meeting. I indicated again that I wasn’t with AA but with Al-Anon and that I wasn’t sure that it was appropriate for me to do that. He said that it was okay since there were NA’s there and it really didn’t matter. I felt a bit unsure but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it. God knows, I needed to be at that meeting today so I wasn’t about to get caught up in propriety. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So the upshot was that I chaired an AA meeting. I also was asked to be the first to share my story which I did. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak. He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended. I felt very welcomed and had a sense of well-being that put me at peace. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story twice this week in the fellowship of AA.

Fears

I had the old anxiety dream last night in which I was alone and looking for the person that I love. It always ends the same way in which I find the person who wants nothing to do with me and is drunk. This is a recurring dream of fear and loss that I have had throughout the duration of my marriage. A therapist once described it as post-traumatic stress syndrome from the anxiety over drinking. I think that it goes deeper and right to my childhood where I became fearful of being left alone by one or both parents. My parents were older than those of my school mates since I was born when they were around 40. With my father's drinking there was a lot of anxiety resulting from that. My mother didn't drink at all but when I was older she suffered from major bouts of depression. I got help as needed for her and she lived a long life, although she would be debilitated by severe depression from time to time.

Alcoholics are unreliable, especially from an emotional standpoint. I think that over the years I developed a lot of insecurities around what to expect from an emotional standpoint. My marriage has been tumultuous with the ups and downs that go with someone who is a depressed alcoholic. Although I am in Al-Anon and realize that I am powerless over people, places and things, I still have an incredible amount of anxiety that bubbles to the surface at times. Those are the moments when I literally have to do something to get my mind off the alcoholic and onto me by doing something that I like to do that takes me away from the immediate anxiety. When this happens in the middle of the night though, it is a hard thing to deal with. I keep books by the bed and read them. It helps to keep One Day at a Time or Courage to Change nearby. It also helps to know that things will generally be better in the light of day when I can get to a meeting and focus on the hear and now and not the imagined fears or the past.

Looking for a meeting

I had to go out of town for a while. After getting the business that I need to do completed, I looked for a meeting to attend. There weren't any Alj-Anon meetings around so I called the AA number and found an AA meeting tonight. It was about a mile from the hotel so it was nice to take a walk and clear my head after a day of listening to people talking at me. This was a beginner's meeting and I wasn't sure what exactly to do. The chair asked me to come up to talk and I explained that I was a guest and with another 12 step program. It was okay with him for me to join in so there were 4 of us who sat around a small table and read from the Big Book. We each got a chance to tell our story. It was a close sharing group and once again I was amazed at the ability of each of us to share experience, strength and hope in our recovery. I felt welcomed and embraced, even though I am not an alcoholic. I left feeling refreshed and invigorated. So, even if you are out of town or someplace where there isn't an Al-Anon meeting, check with AA and try to get to a meeting that is Open. It's all part of the 12 step program and is a great help in the recovery process.

Watching the booze flow

I went to one of the local dives the other night to listen to some blues music. I really like good blues and went with a friend of mine. As the night wore on, it became hard not to notice all the cross eyed people staggering around the floor. If I had been there with my SO, I would have been so anxious. As it was, I was just glad that I neither have had the urge to get drunk or really have deep anxiety about what the others were doing or why.

Probably my urge not to get drunk stems from luckily not inheriting the gene but also a fear of loss of control. I've never been a control freak but definitely don't appreciate being the center of attention in a negative way. An AA friend has told me that one of the things he did was use alcohol as a social lubricant. He was a "good" drunk, if there is such a thing, because he didn't get hostile or violent, but would just be one of the ones who was loud and appearing to have a great time. Unfortunately, he also said that his drinking got totally out of control so that he would be drunk for days. He lost his job, got arrested for DUI and caused harm in the relationship with his family. Sober now for 16 years, he is serious about AA and attends many meetings each week. He can be around people who are drinking without any urge to drink. The Big Book says that no matter how far we go, even to the North Pole, there will always be alcohol. I admire the strength of those who work the Steps and who realize what's at stake.

When I see the people at the bars or on the streets who are sloppy and on the skids, I do feel an empathy that I can't ignore. I wonder about what brought them to the point where they are, what kind of life they had before they lost hope, and whether they will ever decide to work towards recovery.

In Al-Anon, there's a different kind of recovery and different types of dispair that have to be dealt with. Nonetheless, the pain of having to live with an alcoholic can be debilitating. I want to rid myself of the feeling of hopelessness and realize that compassion has to be coupled with detachment. I can't save anyone but myself.

Mad at God

I talked to a good friend who is in recovery today. He said that today he was just "mad at God". It was a day that was stressful, filled with self-pity and envy for him. I've had too many of those days but never felt angry at my Higher Power. When I get into those kinds of moods, I am generally very angry at myself for once again being the one who apologizes or forgives when I haven't actually done anything wrong. I also have found that writing down prayers to my Higher Power helps a lot. One of them might go, "Help me to take care of myself, to let go of my fears and resentments, to recognize what a unique and creative person I am, and revel in taking another breath and having another day to live. Let me appreciate my talents, the beauty of my surroundings and the ability to make good choices. Let me learn from my mistakes, yet treat myself with kindness for my misgivings."

If I am angry at something, it won't be at my HP. It will be at myself for sinking into the swamp again and getting mired in self pity, resentments, and all the other garbage that runs around in my head. I think that my friend needs to revisit his steps and take his inventory.

Step Four

I've been thinking quite a bit about step four which I'm about to begin. In Al-Anon there is a work book that is used to help with this step which is a "searching and fearless moral inventory" to include resentments, fears, harms to others, and sexual conduct. I've heard that some people fear this step. For me, I'm looking forward to doing this work. I've been to therapists and told them my story. With Al-Anon, I think that this step will be more helpful than going to a therapist because I'll be focusing on the attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, fears, actions, behaviors, and the behavior patterns that have caused my failure to deal with the alcoholic and many other aspects of my life. I also understand that Step Four is a repetitive thing as are all the steps. Hopefully, I'll get new insight into why I so often feel defeated, discontented and often so empty.

I know that there are people that I resent. Primary on that list will be the alcoholic. But I also realize that it is the disease that I dislike so much as my qualifier is one of the best people that I know.

What do I fear? I fear a slip. I fear loss of the ones that I love. I don't fear for myself, yet I probably should have a fear for loss of myself and my own well-being. That is what I need to work on--taking care of myself and fearing for my own sanity.

The harms that I have done to others will make quite a list. I have been selfish, resentful, jealous, bitter, and aloof many times. I've put way too much emphasis on work and not enough on just having fun. I've harmed myself in as many ways as I've harmed others.

Sexual conduct is an area of the inventory where I will need courage and strength. Working this step is a matter of trust also. My inclination is to be ashamed of thoughts and actions around this topic. But like eating my first oyster, it's best to take a deep breath, swallow and not chew on this topic for too long.

God grant me the strength....

Going to an AA meeting

If I can't make an Al-Anon meeting, I look up a nearby AA meeting and go to that. I did that this evening and was glad to go because it was a study group meeting in which participants read Into Action from the BB. What I've come away with is a sense of peace and calm. In the sharing, I get a different perspective from the alcoholic. In this group there were several people who were struggling to stay sober. One had slipped after quite some time but picked up a white chip. I am always mindful that the alcoholic is just one drink away from disaster. Some would say that they are only one drink away from death. I am thankful that the ones that I love are staying sober for today.

Some angst over party

Just when I was bitching about not being invited to parties, along comes one to go to tonight. It's a retirement party for someone that I've worked with for years. My "qualifier" wants to go also which is okay. However, I still feel that familiar anxiety return whenever there is the thought of being around a bunch of people who are drinking. An alternative that went through my head for a fleeting moment was to just go to dinner and forget going to the party, once again denying myself some semblance of a social life outside of Al-Anon. Because I know that I am powerless over alcohol and people, places and things, I think that going and detaching is the thing to do. I can't control any impulse to drink by anyone so I just need to put aside the fears, place this with my Higher Power, and have a good time.

Before Al-Anon, I would dread any kind of party because it always meant an excuse for my SO to get drunk and later there would be the verbal abuse and bad shit that alcohol brings out. My SO isn't a happy go lucky drunk but becomes moody, morose, and spews out all the snakes that live inside. I would react to this in the early years by placating and pleading. Later on, I just gave up and decided that nothing I would say or do would make any difference. I was consigned to just suffer through and try to cope. One particularly bad time early in the marriage when I was very down after a drunken spew, I picked up the phone and called the local Hotline. What I got on the other end was nothing helpful. I realized then that the relationship was on the skids and there was nothing that could save me or the alcoholic.

I knew nothing about Al-Anon at that time. In fact, I went to therapists and psychiatrists to talk about my feelings and that never really provided much sense of well-being either. The last therapist that I went to was the best and through her I was able to see that I needed to take care of myself. However, it wasn't until I started with Al-Anon that I began to see that there were lots of ways to put into the practice the idea of taking care of myself. It's one thing to know that you have to do that, but it is another thing to actually walk the walk. I've still got a long way to go but I'm developing some of the skills to be able to detach and take care of me.

one day at a time

Last night I was reminded that I can't think beyond the day that I'm living. I have a good friend who has been in recovery from alcoholism a long time. This person hit bottom when fairly young and has been sober for many years. Sometimes I see the stress arise though and the decisions about work and worth come to the forefront. A particular issue that has occurred is taking a job out of town. Not only does that mean leaving the home AA group but also family and friends. I can see the struggle going on within but have to remind myself to mind my own business and take care of myself. If I allow myself to think about next month or next year or the future, I begin to build up expectations and resentment if the expectations aren't fulfilled. I imagine my friend is working hard to keep the focus on the here and now in order not to think too much about leaving.

In recovery, you hear about taking things "one day at a time". When I'm really depressed and anxious, I've had to take things one half hour at a time. Just for that half hour, I'll be happy or content. It helps to break the day down into those small increments and see if I can make it through without having a total meltdown. There are lots of things written about taking life "one day at a time". Here is one that I like:

I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for lifetime.

Recovery is selfish

I've heard it said over and over at meetings that Al-Anon and AA are selfish programs. At first, I wasn't sure that I understood what this meant. Especially since I spent so much time worrying about the alcoholic and little about myself. Finally, it has begun to dawn on me that a selfish program means that I can't let anything get in the way of my recovery. I have to think about myself first and foremost.

What I have literally done is divest myself of those things that cause me a lot of stress. I attend meetings, I do activities and hobbies that I enjoy and if I don't want to do something, then I don't. For many years, I just went along with things, going to parties when I was bored or anxious, or trying to fill my time with work or other duties. I don't do that anymore.

There are repercussions from this. First, I don't share a lot of interests with my alcoholic. My SO does AA meetings every day and sometimes twice a day. We have different hobbies which is okay too. We have always worked together so sometimes a break to do things separately is needed. Unfortunately, over the years of living with an alcoholic I've lost a lot of the "in love" feelings that I used to have and there has been loss of respect as well. It is difficult to have warm and fuzzy thoughts about someone who is depressed, verbally abusive and grumpy.

I've also had changes in friendships since I started recovery. I used to hang out with one buddy quite a bit. I believe though since sharing my being in recovery, the friendship has changed. I no longer really have the time to spend as I once did with my friend. Probably there is resentment about this because of the time spent at meetings and with other people in the program. I understand the resentment but can't fathom the judgemental attitude. I guess that most people don't want to get too close to someone who is dealing with an unpopular subject such as alcoholism. It's much easier to keep the friendship on a superficial level rather than to delve deep into personal territory. So I've chosen to just keep on the path that I'm on. I keep some distance from people not in the program and find that sharing with them and being totally honest about my situatioin isn't a good idea. This is largely because unless you've lived with an alcoholic or been one, you can't understand what is involved in recovery or the pain that alcoholism brings. So I guess the program is a selfish one but it's the reality of successful recovery.

My sponsor

Anyone who regularly goes to AA or Al-Anon meetings has heard about having a sponsor, someone who will work with you and guide you through the 12 steps. I think that it's a good idea to have a sponsor because they are not only your friend and confidante but have been in the program for a long time and have gathered a lot of wisdom over those years.

Yesterday when I was feeling down, I called my sponsor, A., and expressed how tired I felt. My sponsor thought that I needed to get to a meeting but I was just too beat to make the drive. I knew that it would have helped me to go but instead I just talked to A. for a while and got some good feedback.

I think that it's important to find a sponsor that you can relate to. A. is very similar to my personality and is thoughtful but not demanding. We have a friendship, and I always know who to call when I just want to feel some serenity. Maybe some people would want to have someone who dominated and was parental but that is far from what I like in a person. I want to listen and think about what A. says and then sift through to reach my own conclusions. I know that I don't want someone pushing or controlling me.

I am grateful to have someone to turn to who knows the path that I've been down and who knows how to get out of the mire of self-pity, resentment, and insanity.

A hard day

Today was one of those days that I felt like running away from everything. Just cashing in on life and hitting the road to some nameless place. I was totally okay this morning but as the day wore on, tiredness set in and I went down the road of self pity. There's another acronym in Al-Anon that's called H.A.L.T and it means hungry, angry, lonely and tired. For sure, this afternoon I was tired and the loneliness had crept in as well. I had set myself up for some down thoughts. I had planned to go to a meeting but decided that I was just feeling too tired to make the drive.

When I start getting mired down in feeling sorry for myself, I generally end up in a bad place. I have some anxiety about depression because my mother suffered from it for years. I am hoping that I not only escaped the gene for alcoholism but also the one for depression. Generally, if I get a good night's sleep and focus on the present, I get myself out of the swamp and back where I need to be. I did go for a walk tonight and then sat outside for awhile looking up at the sky. I've heard that it's not good to spend too much time alone. For the past year, I've been largely alone even though there is another person in the house. That person is doing well in recovery so drinking isn't an issue right now. It's all the years that I wasted trying to make an insane situation rational. It simply can't be done.

Slogans

Al-Anon has lots of slogans that help you to focus on working the program. One of my favorites is, "How important is it?". When I think about the years that I spent worrying, being anxious and busting a gasket over insignificant crap, I know now that none of it was really important. In the grand scheme of life, there aren't a lot of things that are really worth personal turmoil. The amount of energy that I wasted on criticism both of self and others, resentment, and a lot of other baggage never enhanced my life or anyone elses. Instead, I think that I just made myself more miserable and did absolutely nothing to make things any better in my marriage.

In fact, I think that all the resentment about drinking built up until I felt utterly defeated. How many times do you beat your head against a wall before your brains turn to mush? Sounds like insanity which according to the popular AA definition is "Taking the same action over and over again expecting different results." Insanity around drinking is also the inability to learn from past mistakes. For the alcoholic, that means that getting drunk over and over doesn't make anything better. There's still the hangover in the morning and the same bloodshot eyes staring back from the mirror. For the person affecting by someone elses drinking, it means that recriminations, badgering, self-pity, and anger because of the alcoholic won't make the disease go away--ever. Instead, it's better to detach from the situation and do something to help yourself.

That's where the idea of accepting powerlessness over alcohol comes in (Step One in AA and Al-Anon) and where you have to decide what's really important and what's not. If you accept that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, then you've come a long way towards taking care of yourself.

At the meeting tonight, there was a lot of sharing on how to detach and to "live and let live". The bottom line is that you have to live your own life and stay out of the business of others. By doing that you can then get to the "let live" part where you allow others the dignity of making their own mistakes and finding their own way. Even if that way isn't your way, it's better to accept that others have their own ideas and personalities. After all, "how important is it?"

Gratitude

It's good to have it be Saturday, and I'm grateful for getting a good night's sleep. Even a simple thing like having it be Saturday is something to be grateful for. One of the things that is helpful with recovery is to have a gratitude list.

I thought that this concept seemed strange when I first heard about it since I guess I'd always felt the things that pleased me rather than actually listing them. My first gratitude list came after a particularly low period a few weeks ago when I felt a lot of self-pity and frustration about my life. My sponsor suggested that I make a gratitude list of ten things that I was grateful for. I sat down and pondered what I was grateful for at that moment. It took a while to come up with the list but I was surprised to have more than 10 things on it. When you're mired down in the swamp, it's hard to think of good things about yourself and your surroundings.

For some strange reason, making that list helped me to put the focus back on myself and off the alcoholic who was driving me crazy. It's so easy to get caught up in the activities of the alcoholic and forget that it's best not to try to control anyone's behavior but my own. I keep having to remember Step 1 in Al-Anon which says that I admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.

Meetings

When I first walked into an Al-Anon meeting, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was at a very low point emotionally and knew that I needed to get some help. They say in AA that you have to hit bottom before you recognize the problem and get with the program, or else you die. I guess you can say that I had pretty much hit bottom emotionally. I felt empty and tired of everything. I had pushed myself to work, do chores, and keep life moving along by sheer determination. My "qualifier" and SO wasn't getting any better in spite of hollow promises and all the guilt that alcoholics dispense.

I used to believe those promises and did think that things would change. The guilt would make things better for awhile and then it was back to drinks every night. Thankfully, my SO has a good job, functions very effectively at work and has never squandered money. Just because one isn't boozed to the max every day doesn't lessen the pain of the person who is living with the results of the disease. The outrageous moods, the "dry drunk" anger and frustration, the verbal abuse were all things that wore me down. I gradually got to the point that I not only fell out of love with the person but hadn't a clue how to love myself either.

So after a particularly bad weekend, I talked to a friend who has been in AA recovery for a long time and opened up about my life. My friend told me that it sounded as if I needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting. At that point, I was thinking that I had poked myself in the eye with a sharp stick long enough so what was there to lose by going to a meeting? I got the information on local meetings from the web and eventually found one that would be occuring that day.

You are virtually stripped emotionally when you walk into a meeting. I felt raw, edgy, and F.I.N.E. After opening with the serenity prayer and statements about the purpose of Al-Anon, everyone introduces themselves by first name. Meeting formats can vary a bit according to group dynamics. For instance, in some groups after you say your name, "Hi, I'm Syd", the entire group will shout "Hi Syd". Read Augustine Burroughs book Dry which has a pretty hilarious account of attending an AA meeting for the first time.

Since I was the "newcomer" that night, I got a chance to talk about what brought me there. I laid it out in graphic terms, keeping the focus on how I felt which at that time was bad. After my introductory remarks, a topic was introduced by the chairperson and everyone then got a chance to "share" if they wished. The cool thing about meetings is there isn't any cross-talk so each person gets to have their say if they wish and everyone else keeps quiet and listens. What I heard was amazing. There were people who were living with all kinds of degrees of alcoholism. Some had children who were dual addicted, some had abusive spouses, some had "qualifiers" in recovery but had been working for years to gain their own sanity and serenity. A great thing about Al-Anon is that there are people at meetings who have felt what you feel and who have seen how devastating the effects of alchohol can be on the family and friends of the alcoholic. I knew that I was in the right place at last.

Acronyms

When I first started in Al-Anon, I thought that there was a different language being spoken. There are a lot of phrases that are used such as "One Day at a Time", "Let go and let God" "How important is it?" and many others. One of the acronyms that I could identify with was F.I.N.E. which means F--kedup, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. How true those adjectives fit me!

I came into the program after a lot of years of frustration, anger, self-pity, denial and low self-esteem. I always thought that I was a bit of a loner, although I like people. Now I've come to realize that I didn't let myself get too close to people for fear that they would know what kind of life I've had.

Denial is all about covering things up. In my childhood, one of my early memories of fear came when my dad had an automobile accident as a result of driving under the influence. I can still remember the police coming to the door and having my dad walk through with his arm hanging in a crooked way. He had broken his shoulder in the accident. Because my family was well known in the small town where we lived, there was no ticket or fine or anything. My dad had some beers and then drove his car too fast, spun the car out and broke his shoulder. End of story for the police since it was a single car accident. At that time, the local doctor who was a family friend, came to the house and splinted the arm. It never set properly and always there was a look of dislocation to his shoulder. I can remember the fear that I felt when the accident happened. Was my dad going to die? Why was he acting so different? These kinds of things were very scary for me.

As I grew older, I began to see that my dad would sit and sip whiskey on the weekends. He always went to work, always had a good job and was well respected in the community but something was obviously sad for him or why else would he hide a bottle and sip from it? I knew where the booze was hidden and thought many times about pouring it out. I hated having to be around the slurred speech at dinner time. I would retreat to my room and try to shut everything out by reading books or listening to music. I had friends but felt embarrassed to bring them over on the weekends. I never knew how my dad would be. He wasn't often brutal to me, although he would take a belt to me occasionally. Those times were painful for me because I didn't think that I deserved the punishment. I remember waking him once when he promised to take me to see some horses. I got the belt for waking him up. He also would issue a lot of orders to me, telling me to behave a certain way or to not "spill my guts" to my friends because they would then know as much as I did.

All of these instructions and the emotional strain at home pushed me towards perfectionism. That is a common trait of adult children of alcoholics. I began to develop a lot of anxiety over my school work. I loved first grade because I was popular and enjoyed playing with other kids. By fourth grade though, I was eaten up with anxiety. I had to make straight A's and had to have the teacher and others like me. It was no doubt the manifestation of my co-dependency: Be perfect, manipulate others for strokes, and hide the sadness with a facade of false smiles. I had a fourth grade teacher who didn't fall for my stuff and it was the first time I remember being hard hit by rejection. I was to have a lot more of that as the years went on.