The Three C's

One of the things that I've learned in Al-Anon is that I'm not responsible for someone else's drinking. The slogan that captures this is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". A lot of people come into the program trying to find a way to stop their alcoholic from drinking. Look at the writings of Lois Wilson and all that she tried to do for Bill W. She tried everything including getting drunk herself to show him what the terrible effects of alcohol were. There are a lot of people who come to Al-Anon to find that answer. But what they hear is that they can't stop anyone from doing anything (Step One) but that we ourselves have problems that have to be dealt with. Some of these issues that we bring into the program are very self-destructive. The controlling behavior, the anger, sadness and fear can make life miserable. We think that it's possible to exert control over another, yet we don't want to be controlled ourselves and, in many cases, our emotions are out of control. Some, including myself, have just been ready to give up on everything when we first went to a meeting.

What I've come to learn through Al-Anon, is that the alcoholics in my life don't drink because of me. They drink because they are alcoholics. Nothing that I can say or do will change that. Instead I have learned through the steps to deal with my own issues and to take care of myself. When I do that, then I can begin to recover from the effect that the disease has had on me.

The first part of the Three C's is that I didn't cause my loved one's alcoholism. Nothing I did caused the alcoholic to drink. The drinking started many years before I even knew the alcoholics in my life. What I have heard from my S.O. is a lot of blame thrown at me for just being me. It's not unusual for alcoholics to cast blame on the people who are closest to them. This is simply an attempt to justify the drinking. By accepting that I didn't cause alcoholism, I am relieved of guilt that I have felt about my father and my spouse. If only I had been a better son or if only I had been a better husband....well, I've learned that no matter what I would have done, nothing would have been different for the alcoholic. It's an illness/disease that caused the problem, not me.

Learning that you can't control your loved one's behavior is another crucial part of recovery. You can share your thoughts and feelings with an alcoholic. You can even impose certain consequences if your loved one drinks. But the decision to seek treatment is one that only your loved one can make. For some, this means watching a descent into the abyss. For all who love the alcoholic, it means that they have to detach and no longer manipulate situations so that the alcoholic won't drink. In Step One, I learned that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

The final part of the trilogy is that you can't cure your loved one's alcoholism. There is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholics will always be recovering but not cured. There's no treatment that allows alcoholics to return to moderate drinking. The Big Book indicates that it's best to completely abstain from alcohol. But again, the decision to abstain rests with the alcoholic, not me. By not being able to cure alcoholism, I don't need to repeat all the same old things over and over hoping to find a solution. There is no magic cure, and I've learned that I don't need to exhaust myself hoping that the "last ditch" effort will make the drinking stop. I know now that the best thing to help an alcoholic is another alcoholic.

Remembering these three points has allowed me to respond to an alcoholic's behavior by taking care of myself rather than reacting based on anxiety or resentment. If I start feeling anger, fear and resentment, then I will take the steps necessary to stop my destructive thoughts and get back into myself. This may involve leaving for a while, calling my sponsor, going to do something that I want to do or a host of other things that will get the focus off the alcoholic and onto me. And this is the essence of detaching with love.

Feeling apart

Throughout my life and even in recovery, I've always felt a bit apart from everyone else. I don't know whether this comes from shyness or just my insecurities. When I was a kid, I didn't have many playmates, just a few kids in the neighborhood. Being an only child, I learned to play by myself and entertain myself. I was comfortable with that and would have lots of fun running through the woods, climbing trees, hiding out in a woodland overhang that was my special place, or just being in my room.

High school was confusing. I had friends that I hung with and some that I wanted to emulate. I think that I wanted desperately to be part of the group. I had a tough time though because my father was exerting a lot of control over me. There was criticism about my attitude and because of my desire not to be controlled, we would get into some real fights. If he had been drinking, I would be picked at. It wasn't much fun to bring friends home on the weekend because I didn't want them to see the home situation with my father. So, I would either be out of the house or in my room. I spent a lot of time thinking about where I would like to be (anywhere but in this small town) and how I couldn't wait to escape.

College was my first chance at real freedom. It was a great place to be. I enjoyed classes, weekends with road trips, hiking, and lots of opportunities for dates. I felt that I was finally able to be who I wanted to be. Although I still excelled with grades, I was always willing to try something new and was an instigator when it came to adventures. Sometimes, I think that others viewed me as too radical and too adventuresome. I didn't care because I had been held down for so long that finally my spirit could soar. I loved going on hikes to the nearby mountains. I got drunk for the first time in college and found that I didn't like it. I smoked week and hung out with some of the drugged up townies. I seemed to prefer the people on the margin rather than those solid down the middle of the road types.

After college, I went straight to graduate school. It was near my home town but I had my own place which was nice. It was in graduate school that I met a lot of free spirits, including a fascinating person (C.) who I later married. I know that the excitement I felt being in love was really about the fantasy of love. I didn't look at the person or actions in a real way. I wanted desperately for someone to love me but when you fall for an alcoholic suffering from depression, the relationship is pretty much f**ked from the beginning. We found ways to torture each other emotionally. I would go out with other people but never felt that same pull as I did with C. When I would go to parties, C. would be drinking, and I would generally leave because it was too painful to watch. I felt a great aloneness during this period. I knew that it would be hard for me to stop loving this person who was messing up my mind.

Sometime during the early stages of work on my Ph.D., C. and I had a meeting of the minds and decided to get married. We never really had many official dates because there were always parties on campus and we could just walk. It wasn't a culture for going out to eat or to the movies. We spent a lot of time with each other though and would spend the night together as much as we could. Those times should have been happy, but I remember them as being sad because I never got the sense that C. was ever really happy. I wanted happiness for both of us so blamed myself for not being able to provide it.

It's funny how you look back and know that you've made a mistake before an event happened. The night before we were to be married, I thought that I was making the wrong decision. By this point, I had witnessed the self-pity, rages, depression, drunken stupors, and a host of other things that suggested C. had issues. I just chose to ignore all the signals and think that I could take care of it all through love. What a joke!

So we were married and things rolled along as they had before. I loved C. a lot but C. never really opened up. There was always a feeling of holding back true feelings. All of this just compounded the thoughts that I've had all my life about being apart from others. We would go to social events and after I while, I felt as if I were alone in a room full of people who were enjoying themselves. I didn't like small talk and couldn't wait to leave. I didn't want to talk about careers, houses, bank loans, and all the other BS that people at parties talk about. I wanted to find out what was in the other person's head. I wanted to ask whether he or she felt as alone as I did and as lost. I probably connected with a few people during that time and was able to find another few kindred souls in search of themselves.

Now after years have gone by, I've decided that it's okay to just be me. It's not so bad to be alone in a room full of people. I can actually step back and look at everyone laughing and talking and smile. I have met lots of people in Al-Anon and AA. A few of them know me very well and those are the ones that I share my innermost thoughts with. People at work know me in a professional sense but no one knows the desperation that I've felt from living with alcoholism. I don't think that there are many people outside of the program who would understand. As I've gotten more and more comfortable with who I am, I've been able to accept myself and realize that I'm a pretty good person.

Identifying with others

One of the things that I've come to realize in Al-Anon is that there are a variety of life stories with regard to the effects of alcohol. Some people have had it very rough while others have not been through financial ruin or physical abuse. One thing that we can all identify with is the emotional upheaval that occurs when living with an alcoholic.

When I first started going to meetings, I thought that I had it so bad. Gradually, I came to realize that it didn't matter how bad my lot was because comparing myself to others wasn't useful. Rather I learned that we all had something to share about the effects of living with alcoholism. The anxiety, fear, and general disruption of life seemed to be the common denominators among all of us.

I've also learned that longevity in the program doesn't really indicate how far along you are in recovery. All of us struggle in one way or another with the effect that alcoholism has had on our lives. It isn't a race to the finish but rather it's a path that we walk every day and will likely do for the rest of our lives. When I start to compare myself to others or think that I'm not doing as well as I'd like, I have to remember that this is a life long journey.

At times, I find that I identify more with what is said at AA meetings than in Al-Anon. I think that the insight of the AA's is more honest and their solutions more useful to me. Some of the Al-Anon members do a lot of hand wringing. I've been there so I know why that's necessary. What I'm wanting to hear though are ways to move past the hand wringing. That's why I like to balance my time between AA and Al-Anon meetings whenever I can. The perspective of the alcoholic is one that I need to hear.

Working on Step Four

I'm continuing my work with my sponsor on Step Four. The Al-Anon way of working this step is similar to that of AA in that the focus is on me. Thus, I'm not taking an inventory of another person or what is wrong with them. Instead I'm writing down information about my character traits that could be called "defects of character" and determining how these have become ingrained in my life and which ones need to be gotten rid of.

Because I have a very wise and kind sponsor, I feel comfortable taking a good look at myself with total honesty yet without self recrimination. The Al-Anon book that I'm using in this process is called Blueprint for Progress. It's a sixty-two page booklet that has a series of questions on topics such as fear, resentment, anger, honesty, etc. Here's an example of the ones on resentment which is a big one for both AA and Al-Anon members:

1.Are there any people or organizations from childhood that I stilll feel angry with today?

2.With the people I resent the most, what part did I play in the original events that happened?

3.How did I feel about the way my family dealt with angry situations?

4. Who are the people in my life that I resent the most?

5. What bothered me about the people I resent most?

6. How do I treat those that I resent?

Plus, many more questions about personal conduct, etc.

My findings on resentment were that I know that I have expectations of others that are unrealistic.I expect them to be mind readers and do things as I have planned.But they have a mind of their own and I can’t impose my will on others.I need to have respect for others and realize that they have their own lives to live.

So far, I've found my work on Step Four hasn't been hard for me. The inventory is supposed to be both searching and fearless. I'm not being asked, at this stage, to judge or to change anything, just to notice and record what is. I've answered the questions as honestly as I can bringing up some very painful things but also a lot of good things as well.

Although my behavioral adaptations have undoubtedly been influenced by alcoholism, I can't blame everything on that. My mother's severe depression, my own genetic makeup, my relationship with other family members, and my life experiences have all shaped me. For me, this step is about identifying what I need to work on to become a contented person who is happy within my own skin. I certainly have more than an inkling of defects that I have. I don't mind being totally honest about these things.

" Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory ur faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." from Alcoholics Anonymous

Boundaries

We had a good discussion on boundaries at last night's meeting. I've had to learn hard lessons with keeping boundaries because I've been a boundary breaker. I've been involved in a marriage in which I've had to gradually learn to establish boundaries. Before the marriage though, I knew that the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

In the beginning, I put a lot of time and emotional energy into the relationship. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy and reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.

I would like to think that I had an amazing core of strength and persistence that enabled me to crash the boundaries of others and not make any of my own. I think that the main motivator was fear. The fear that I had was of rejection and abandonment.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.

One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if bourndaries are established. Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.

You know that you're recovering when.....

I've been talking with my sponsor about the great peacefulness that I've been feeling. It is lasting for days now instead of just a few hours that I used to have. My sponsor thinks that the peaceful feeling is due to acceptance and my willingness in the program. So I thought that I'd post some things that I think are indicative of recovery. I'm sure that most of you can think of many more. Just add them if you want to.

You know that you're recovering when:

1. You get up in the morning and actually look forward to the day

2. You can have conversations with your alcoholic that have nothing to do with alcohol.

3. You can laugh again and actually mean it.

4. You can actually sleep through the night.

5. You enjoy your own company

6. You can walk away from arguments without buying into them.

7. You can be around alcohol at parties without becoming anxious

8. You have learned to say No to things in order to simplify your life.

9. You don't feel guilty about saying No.

10. You're not dwelling on the past or anticipating the future but just enjoying today.

A year ago I wouldn't have thought that the things above were possible since I was so stuck in my self pity and denial. Although I've gotten better, I still know that the journey is a life long process.

"A big step toward maturing is to realize that I cannot change conditions by running away from them. I can only change my point of view about them and their relationship to me--and this can be done only by changing myself." (from One Day at a Time, p. 214)

Live and let live

It's always amazing to me how you can get a bunch of people together and find either something in common or that outlier that is off the radar screen. I am sometimes the outlier but I also run into people who are outliers but on the opposite end of the tolerance gradient from me. I happened to run into some people last evening that were related to some of the work that I do.

One of the guys in the group, an older man, started talking about how he can't stand men who have earrings. He seemed also to be very homophobic. Now, I really don't get worked up about much of anything anymore, but I do like to have a little fun sometimes when I can. I said that I thought that if someone liked having piercings it was fine with me since I believed in the live and let live philosophy. Then, I lifted my hair that covered my right ear and showed the 10 piercings that I had. I thought that he would pass out. He said a few choice words and began to ask the usual questions of why would I do that to myself and what was I thinking, etc. You know the drill--the incredulity of someone who is heavily judgemental and self-righteous of which we were both guilty. I'm sure that he was thinking how glad he was that he didn't have a son like me and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't have the same thought processes that he had.

This kind of thinking creates the prejudices that we have in our society. I was guilty of rising to the bait, albeit with humor and not malice, but this indicates to me that my best move might have been to have excused myself politely and walked away. I can think of many times that I've risen to being baited by my alcoholic, only to have an argument ensue that was damaging. I think that Live and Let Live is a very good philosophy and one that I believe in. The interchange that I had with this guy indicates that I need to revisit Step One, concentrating on my powerlessness over people, places, and things. I also need to think clearly about Live and Let Live and letting those things that grate my soul, just slide past like a wake of a boat. They may rock you a bit but eventually the water is calm again and you can get underway.

Green sprigs

Today I'm feeling calm and peace seep over me. I've got that lazy Saturday feeling when the weekend stretches out before me. Although it's only two days, I can manage to relish the thought of getting to bed early, reading a book, and doing some things that I would like to get done but don't necessarily have to do. Tomorrow I have to do some work in the morning and will get to a meeting in the evening. Other than that there isn't anything on my agenda and nothing that is taxing my brain or soul.

My SO and I went out to dinner last night which turned out to be a very nice evening. We had a corner table that was quiet and were able to talk and laugh. There was no sadness in either of us. It felt good to be comfortable with each other and enjoy the excellent meal and each other's company. I think that we needed to have some time away from the theme of alcohol and recovery. During the week, our schedule is dominated by work and meetings. There isn't enough time to just chill out. Sometimes I feel that recovery absorbs everything in my life. I guess that it has to but it surely was nice to experience an evening without talking about it or having it be right there in the forefront of every thought.

I'm looking outside the windows at the surrounding woods and seeing a lot of new growth as evidenced by the soft green leaves. Like the sprigs on the trees, I'm seeing new growth in myself and it feels every bit as fresh and new as this beautiful spring day.

Sharing

I was thinking about sharing at meetings. I've heard people share in lots of different ways. Some people have to vent their frustration. Some have a great deal of sadness that pours out. Others are profound. Regardless, sharing doesn't have to be deep or philosophical. It can just be an expression of gratitude. For newcomers, sharing can be especially hard. It's probably intimidating to talk in front of a group and bare your soul. I was ready to share at my first meeting because I needed to get so much of my story out there. I have shared at every meeting if called upon because it helps me. However, I also listen intently to what others say and always learn something.

It's important for me to understand who I am. Many factors conspire to blind us to these insights, but if we remain vigilant, we may see that shining truths are all around us if only we can perceive them. Through sharing, I have the opportunity to illuminate not only who I am but who someone else is as well.

There are lots of benefits for sharing. First, people with whom we share are more likely to share with us. If you never open yourself up to the people, it really doesn't allow them to get to know you. Second, sharing helps us to better appreciate what we really have, and to discern what is most important. Finally, sharing helps us to determine what is worth having.

In sharing lies the key to unlocking greater significance in our own lives. You cannot really ride a bike unless you get rid of the training wheels, and you cannot really swim while clutching the side of the pool. Often it is both safer and easier to hold back. Yet in holding back and playing it safe, we lose more than we gain.

In order to keep it, you have to give it away

On Tuesday, I got a call from the guy that I had taken to an AA meeting the week before. He is a coke addict without an addiction to alcohol. He picked up a one day chip at last week’s meeting. Since I was going to an Al-Anon meeting, I took him along to the AA meeting that is in the same complex. Yesterday, he called again and wanted to go to the closed AA meeting on the other side of town. I was working out downtown so I picked him up and took him to the meeting. Because it was a closed meeting, I didn’t go in as I had last week. I think that a closed meeting sets a boundary that I’m not going to breach anymore. Instead, I sat in the car, looked at the water, and thought about something my sponsor had told me earlier. It’s one of the fundamental principles of AA and Al-Anon: "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."

I would have liked to be home, reading the newspaper, and going to bed early rather than sitting in a parking lot at nearly 9 PM. But I also thought that if my getting this newcomer to a meeting or two would help, then an inconvenience to me was pretty minor. After the meeting, he and I talked about how things were going. He hasn’t used and said that he was feeling really calm and happy. He talked to people at the meeting about getting a sponsor. I felt that he was beginning to feel welcomed and accepted by the group.

So as I was driving home, I thought about the seeds that had been planted. I also thought about the fact that the best people for this young man to relate to will be fellow addicts and alcoholics. I think about the story of Bill W. who tried repeatedly to stop drinking, but could never abstain for more than a week or two. Desperate to achieve some success, Bill decided that he would stop trying to quit himself, and instead focus all of his energies on his friends. If he couldn't achieve sobriety, at least he could help his friends abstain from drinking. After six months of intense effort, he was in despair because not a single one of his friends has managed to stay sober. He thought that he had failed but his wife reminded him that even though none of his friends had managed to quit drinking, he had not had a drink in six months. Therein lies the wonder of the twelve-step program and how it helps those willing to find new meaning in life, a meaning that transcends their own needs.

I think that I’ve given away something but kept something far more valuable by helping this newcomer. He now has the information that he needs, phone numbers, contacts, and literature to move forward. The AA fellowship can now take over. It’s time for me to focus back on myself and my recovery. There is no advice that I can give this newcomer that will be half as meaningful as the advice that comes from other addicts and alcoholics. I’m glad that I helped out because it made me feel good, and it got a person who needed help to the place where help and hope abounds.

Anxiety

Last night, I listened to a parent talk about anxiety. This wasn't your usual garden-variety form of hand wringing but a gut-wrenching anxiety that hits in the night and lasts until dawn. The question to the group was "What do you do to alleviate anxiety?" I thought back to those many nights that I would lie awake worrying about my work and the things that I had to do, worrying about my SO and what was going to happen to us, and worrying about my mother who had severe depression. Sometimes I would eventually fall asleep but mostly I would just obsess.

I know now that it was normal to obsess over these things because that was part of my codependency and dysfunction. I also think that it was related to my being caught up in drama and insanity. I would let FEAR (false evidence appears real) rule me and make me crazy. I also had to be perfect and not only succeed but exceed at everything that I did. There was nothing that I wouldn't take on because I knew that I could do the job and was really strong. How wrong I was!

I was a basket case filled with anger, resentment and self-pity. I wasn't taking on things because I wanted to, instead I was doing it to make myself feel better by getting approval. I desperately wanted to be loved and admired for doing so much.

Through the program of Al-Anon, I've learned that I don't have to be all things to all people. I only have to please myself and by keeping the focus on myself I can rid myself of the negative feelings. Some of the things that have helped me to keep anxieties at bay are:

1. Exercise--If I'm anxious or stuck in the muck, going for a run, getting outside, doing something that requires physical exertion really helps rid my mind of the garbage
2. Reading AA/Al-Anon literature--I keep books and daily readers by my bed so if I wake up in the night, I start reading which calms me down.
   
3. Going to meetings--I go to AA and Al-Anon meetings several times a week. These meetings keep me grounded in the program and give me hope.
4. Looking to my HP--When things are more than I can handle, I look to my Higher Power for guidance and to lift the burdens. Prayer and meditation are great ways to stop obsessing over something or someone that I'm trying to control.
   
5. Focusing on the moment--By not looking back or looking forward, I can think about the here and now. Even if I can only do this for a half hour, it may be enough to not let the "do loop" of anxiety get going in my head.
   
6. Call my sponsor and talk about my anxiety and the root of it. I'm fortunate to have a caring wise sponsor who doesn't mind listening when I'm not on the right path.
   
7. Revisiting the steps, especially steps 1-3. I know that I am powerless over people, places and things and am willing to turn my life over to my HP to steer me when I'm rudderless.
   

The things that I mention are those that I've found useful to get me through anxious moments. It's a lot better than facing the demons alone.

The whole world needs a 12 step program

Have you ever noticed how things just slow down and chill out when you finally "get it" about recovery? All the things that used to burn my fuse seem so insignificant and distant to me now. I'm actually surprised when I encounter something that seems to burn someone else's fuse. Traffic and driving is a good example. I have a 5 speed car so I shift into neutral at a stop light. It may take, say, 2 seconds to shift into first from neutral but you would be surprised at the number of people who will beep or shake their head or fist while I shift. It's as if they are already having a bad day and it's only 8 AM.

My friend D. has an old car but it has a good engine. He's a gear head and can put a car engine together just for fun. I know that he used to drive fast and be a hell-raiser before he decided that he would rather live than die from alcohol at 28. When we're driving in his car on a street and someone is tail gating him, he'll say, "Well, I think I'll give Mr. SUV some room and let him pass on by. He's obviously in too big a hurry to enjoy the day." Then, he'll pull over to the side of the road. D. has that live and let live philosophy from being in AA for many years.

What I think is that the world needs to be in a 12 step program. I can't think of many people that I know who wouldn't benefit from a little of the Live and Let Live, Easy Does It, First Things First, and How Important Is It philosophy. When someone at work starts taking themselves too seriously, I think "How important is it?". When someone starts going off on another person, I think, " Easy does it". When I have a bunch of choices to make about the things that I'm asked to commit to, I think "First Things First". And when I see someone making an ass of themselves at a social function, I think, "Live and let live".

There aren't many times in a day that the teachings of Al-Anon and AA don't pop into my head. They provide a means by which I now live my life. I've been to church and read the Bible but nothing has touched me as much as reading the BB and the Al-Anon literature. There's such a sense of peace that I get from meetings. It would be great if all those people who are rushing about to get nowhere would be infused with some of the 12 step ideology.

Opportunities

The meeting topic last night was how we make the most of opportunities in the face of dealing with alcoholism. For me, I've had lots of opportunities in life. I was fortunate to grow up in a household where education was stressed. I had material things that made me happy in the moment, but I didn't have much emotional happiness. My opportunities have been primarily those of professional achievement, investments, and other material things. Those things seemed important before things came crashing down one day last August.

The crisis that brought things to a head is something that I'll discuss at some point, but just suffice to say that after many years of feeling empty inside, I finally could no longer continue on. So on that day, I finally let go and expressed what I truly felt about my marriage and the emotional emptiness. This time there was no equivocation. I had reached my limit, much as an alcoholic reaches a limit where to continue drinking is insane. I don't know what the events are that bring your mind to that point, but I was there and ready to call it quits.

I talked to my good friend D. who told me to get to an Al-Anon meeting. I went and through going to those meetings and working with my sponsor, I've been given the greatest opportunity of all--to make myself truly happy and to finally feel alive inside. I no longer hold back on things that I want to do. I'm involved in life and living for the first time in many years. The opportunity to take care of myself emotionally would likely never have come about if I hadn't gone to Al-Anon and recognized that the people there had experienced the same things that I had. Some were at the same place where I was, while others appeared happy and content with their lives.

The other opportunity that I've been given is to experience spirituality. I was never a religious person and really was apathetic about organized religion. Through Al-Anon, I've come to believe in a Higher Power and know that I can turn to my HP when things get really rough. It is something that I never thought would happen to me who is always so analytical. But the opportunity to feel spirtual is one that I have grasped onto like a drowning person does a life raft. I think that if we are willing to be open minded and give the program a chance, all kinds of opportunities that allow us to really live will come our way.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

From Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 83-84

Reading

Last night I read some in the book Lois Remembers which tells the story of Lois W., co-founder of Al-Anon. In this book she chronicles her life before and after getting married to Bill W. co-founder of AA. I am only part way through the book but can only wonder at the stamina of this woman and all that she sacrificed in her life. One of the more telling passages for me was her statement on pg. 78, "The problem is not about my life, of course, for probably the suffering is doing me good, but about his--the frightful harm this resolving and breaking down, resolving and breaking down again, must be doing to him......."
"I'm afraid I have always been and still am too foolishly idealistic and sentimental. I had hoped Bill's love for me would cause him to stop drinking. For I know that he loves me --but perhaps that is not enough. "

When I read this, I can only think what the anxiety level must have been in this woman. If ever there was a person who needed to practice Step One, she was it. However, without her terrible sacrifice of herself there wouldn't be an Al-Anon and perhaps things would have turned out much differently for Bill W as well. Reading this book points out over and over that the people who love alcoholics have to take care of themselves. Yet, when you love someone as deeply as Lois W. did , it seems almost that detachment could only occur through physically tearing yourself away from the other person. Lois tried that but Bill W. would return to his bottle after she returned. It was only through his spiritual awakening that he was able to quit the bottle, yet he continued in other behaviors and character defects that seem equally as difficult to accept. It seems that Lois W. was determined to sacrifice herself at any cost.

I think that perhaps her attitude reflected that of the times. She stuck by her man regardless or perhaps she was obsessed with Bill. Maybe that will be revealed as I read further in the book. In these more modern times and through programs like Al-Anon and AA, we are able to learn how not to wear ourselves down to the point that we give up everything for another. We learn to take care of ourselves. Her writing practically screams at me that detachment and self-focus have got to take precedent when dealing with the alcoholic.

Finding Solutions

One of the signs of moving forward in the program is to have solutions rather than just the venting, resentment, self-pity and all the other emotions that keep us stuck. Looking over my last post, I realize that I didn't offer many solutions. Rather, I implied that I don't know what I'm going to do, although I think that I know what I'd like to do. Using the frog analogy from a few posts ago, I'm the frog sitting on the log who is thinking about making a decision, turning it over and over in a frog brain, yet not willing to make a move because it's nice and warm sitting on the log. Besides I've got those two other frogs sitting next to me and maybe one of them will make a decision to jump.

Making a decision to end a relationship like marriage is difficult. Right now, I just do my best to detach when I need to, keep doing the things that I like to do, go to meetings, and get out and away when I find that I'm feeling emotionally drained. I don't accept unacceptable behavior anymore and keep my communication with my SO open. I find that the love that I have is kind and compassionate, no longer filled with anger and spite. That has come about through going to my meetings and realizing that most of the problems that occurred were manifested through alcohol and that alcohol was in the picture because of other underlying insecurities and issues. I settled over the years for existence rather than living. As my sponsor likes to say, I sat in a warm pile of crap and it felt good as long as I didn't move around. If I did, then it smelled like crap and wasn't pleasant.

Recovery for me and my spouse means that we are developing new ways to live our lives. The old marriage is dead and in the new marriage of recovery we are having to figure out a lot of things. So I'm going to take each day and see where it leads. I'm trusting that the program and my HP will guide me on the journey.

The alcoholic love relationship

I've heard it said over and over that co-dependents, especially those who had alcoholic parents, are attracted to alcoholics. If I'm any proof of that, then it must be correct because I grew up with a father who drank and I married an alcoholic. I also have a close friendship with an alcoholic. What is it about the alcoholic that is so attractive?

With my father, I tried to please him. I did this in all kinds of ways--getting good grades, graduating at the top of my class, being Phi Beta Kappa, and other things ad nauseum. He criticized me and my resentment would build but I would keep trying to please. When I was a kid, I accepted the criticism with hurt. When I became a teenager I got tired of the orders and the criticism. I would be angry and if pushed enough, would lash out. Otherwise, I tried to avoid him.

When I married, I thought that I had found a person who was troubled but I found that very exciting. I was willing to accept unacceptable behavior. I thought that by loving this person enough, I could make changes occur. Maybe what I was thinking was that I could somehow make it right this time since I was unable to change my dad. Whatever the reason, I married for all the wrong ones. My SO was the life of the party, until the alcoholic personality came to light. Then, the depressed angry drunk emerged. No amount of love ever changed that. In my years of marriage, I've tried just about everything except getting out. I've thought about that but instead I internalized my anger and stifled the love that I had. Gradually over these years, I fell out of love with the alcoholic. I love this person as one would love something that once was shiny and new but now has dulled with age. You remember when it was shiny and new and wish that it could be like that again. But, you know that it's worn out and you can't make it new again no matter how hard you try. That's the way I've felt for a long time. I've craved something that I've missed and used to have.

What I've come to realize is that love doesn't have to be like what I've experienced. If you love someone, then you are willing to be vulnerable but not willing to accept unacceptable behavior. You take care of yourself and speak up about your discomfort or concerns. You keep the communication flowing. You are honest and trusting. No relationship is ever going to be perfect or smooth. Crises will occur because that's the way life is. But it's okay to detach in a loving way if you feel manipulated. Al-Anon is providing me with the tools to better understand the alcoholics in my life. I'm not sure where my marriage is heading but at least we both talk now and admit when we've done something hurtful. We don't go to bed angry. We both are much easier to be around. The irritability with us seems to be lessening. My need to control anyone's behavior has ebbed until it's hardly a trickle.

It's ironic how that things have improved so much, yet I'm not sure that I want to be married anymore. I think about being on a boat by myself and doing the things that I like to do without discussion or consideration of anyone else. Maybe this is what recovery does---it makes you happy being in your own skin. It makes me realize that I've spent a long time making others happy and what I now want to do is make myself happy.

Problems other than alcohol

Last night, I took a friend to an AA meeting. To protect the friend, let's just say that he has had a drug problem for years but isn't alcoholic. It was a closed AA meeting so before making definite plans, I called the local AA Intergroup to see if this was going to be okay. They assured me that it would be. I've heard conflicting stories about addicts going to AA meetings. One only has to read the AA approved Problems Other Than Alcohol to realize that Bill W. didn't envision AA to embrace the addict.

"Our first duty, as a society, is to insure
our own survival. Therefore, we have to avoid distractions
and multipurpose activity. An A.A.
group, as such, cannot take on all the personal
problems of its members, let alone the problems
of the whole world.
Sobriety — freedom from alcohol — through
the teaching and practice of the Twelve Steps is
the sole purpose of an A.A. group. Groups have
repeatedly tried other activities, and they have
always failed. It has also been learned that there is
no possible way to make nonalcoholics into A.A.
members. We have to confine our membership to
alcoholics, and we have to confine our A.A.
groups to a single purpose. If we don’t stick to
these principles, we shall almost surely collapse.
And if we collapse, we cannot help anyone."

From "Problems Other than Alcohol" P-35

So I was in a dilemma. Here was a young person who needed to get to a meeting, yet there are few NA meetings in the area. So I did what my I thought was right, no doubt guided by my HP, and took him to the meeting. I talked to the chair of the meeting, explained the situation, and then let my friend talk to the chair. It worked out great, he was embraced by the AA attendees, picked up a white chip, and was overwhelmed by the welcome. People offered names and phone numbers and spoke during sharing directly to this newcomer. It was a good meeting and a very positive experience.

Yet, there still appears to be some old timers who frown on addicts coming into AA. In fact, a long-time AA friend of mine has expressed his concern about this to me several times. I did some additional reading and found that before NA began, AA was in turmoil over how to treat people addicted to drugs other than alcohol. A key factor in AA's strength has been its single-minded focus on doing one thing and doing it well--carrying the message of recovery to alcoholics. In general, one drunk can empathize with another in a way that no other person can.

When Bill W. co-founded AA, there wasn't the problem with drugs that now exists. But as addicts began wanting to come to AA meetings, some in AA feared that the very heart of AA would be weakened. The dilemma put lives at stake. On the one hand, many types of addicts begged for admission into AA meetings. On the other hand, AA's Step One called for members to admit their powerlessness over a single drug--alcohol. Rewording that step to include every conceivable kind of drug was impractical. Yet, turning dying addicts away was no solution either. Some AA groups are rigid about participants. Official AA policy states that drug addicts are welcome at open AA meetings, but not at closed meetings. However, many closed AA groups do accept people "purely on drugs," and addicts cross-addicted to alcohol and another drug are always welcome.

I thought that this article would be helpful in laying out the concerns of both sides. The article has an interesting perspective.

I guess I have no right to an opinion since I'm Al-Anon. However, I've never let protocol stop my opinions before so here's my scoop. I can see the reasoning of old timers in AA that idenity and purpose of the program could be compromised by large numbers of addicts. However, it is undeniable that drugs are a major issue. With the number of NA meetings being lower than that of AA meetings, I think that it is okay for addicts to attend AA meetings regardless of whether they are open or closed. Perhaps at the closed meeting, it would be best for the addict to simply listen. I'm a live and let live person so in my mind, if someone can gain something from attending meetings, then I'm all for it.

Six weird things and a bunch of other facts

Okay, I've been tagged to write six weird things about myself. Here are the rules: People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things. In the end, I will choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. I'm supposed to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and to tell them to read my blog!

I don't know what defines weird but I'll do my best:
1. I have 10 piercings in one ear
2. I have six other piercings
3. I once photographed a suspension party and a friend getting branded
4. I have a simian crease on one hand
5. I have Morton's toe
6. I think that leaving the toilet seat up is a sign of bad manners.

Okay after I've revealed all those weird things about myself (there are a few more that I can't mention), I guess that I'll tag Shannon, Mary Christine, and Christine.

After the six weird things, then I'm going to post another list I put together quite a while ago. It is 110 things about me:

1. I have no children
2. I have wished many times to have had a daughter
3. I was too fearful that I was too messed up to have a child
4. I would die for the people that I love
5. I am in recovery
6. From the effects of alcoholism
7. I have a mental list of things that I want to do before I die
8. One of those things is to live on a boat

9. I have a bunch of piercings
10. I am a Capricorn
11. I don't put much stock in organized religion
12. My father drank heavily when I was young
13. He also hit me on several occasions
14. I always believe in the wonderful fantasy of love
15. I take photos for they are my memory and my sentiment
16. I am pretty good at taking photos
17. I like to drive fast
18. I wear my seatbelt
19. I am right handed
20. I would like to be really good at photography and painting
21. I've met some pretty self-important people over the years
22. I’m not easily impressed
23. I love the ocean
24. I want to live on a boat with someone I love
25. I have worked on the ocean as a career
26. I could never live far from the ocean
27. I do not like to cook
28. I love music of all kinds
29. I own a home
30. I have a maid
31. I get easily bored and need mental stimuli
32. I have traveled quite a bit to some interesting places
33. I don't bullshit, mindfuck, or play with people
34. I don’t like people who try to bullshit, mindfuck or play with me
35. I once had sex 8 times in one night
36. I was never a truly wild person but I wanted to be
37. I had a horse that I loved
38. I was a good rider
39. I used to do long-distance cycling
40. I believe the full moon really does mess with people
41. If you go to Google and key in my real name you will get quite a few hits
42. I never liked my nickname
43. I once went to an all nude strip club
44. I sing sometimes but I sing badly
45. I have all my original teeth
46. I watch very little T.V.
47. When I watch TV it is generally news or the weather channel.
48. I spend too much time on the computer
49. For both work and play
50. I have no siblings
51. My parents had me after 16 years of marriage
52. My parents are deceased
53. I smoked cigarettes when I was 6 years old
54. I hate cigarettes and cigarette smoke
55. I love antiques
56. I will eat just about anything or at least try it.
57. I have an adventuresome spirit
58. I like all forms of exercise
59. I think that I will live to be old
60. I feel younger than my years
61. I have been to one X rated movie
62. I like deep long kisses
63. I sleep in a fetal position
64. I think that all forms of sex are okay
65. I believe in the idea of a soul mate
66. I don’t have any addictions
67. I don’t take myself too seriously
68. I believe you are never too old to learn something
69. I believe in the downtrodden
70. I wanted to work with Mother Theresa
71. I have never been arrested
72. I have never been in a jail
73. I am fearless
74. I love to laugh
75. I have way too much STUFF
76. I feel happy most of the time
77. I do not like to pick favorites
78. I do not like to use the word "hate" - it is such a strong word
79. I like to go camping and roughing it
80. My father told me that I should “cut the garment according to the cloth” which I seldom do
81. I like the finer things in life but could do without them if I had to
82. I am not a snob
83. I think I'm nice looking
84. I miss my mother and father
85. I hope that they were proud of me
86. I have learned to tie knots and do marlinspike seamanship
87. I like comfortable clothes but appreciate style
88. I like to sleep naked
89. My favorite color is black
90. I love animals
91. I have too many dogs
92. I don’t like gaudy jewelry on men or women
93. I can curse a blue streak but generally only around people that I know really well
94. I don’t like to kill anything
95. I once was slapped by a friend
96. I had wine thrown in my face by a woman
97. I am a Democrat
98. I don’t like things that smell bad including people
99. I believe in reincarnation
100. I would like to be reincarnated as a dog
101. I have contemplated suicide
102. I prefer to live and see what happens in the end
103. I wish that I weren’t so serious
104. I have few close friends
105. I enjoy parties but after I’ve had enough I want to leave
106. I’ve had to be tough in my job but am really a kind person
107. I want to build a small boat
108. I would like to visit Africa and the Amazon
109. I would like to see the pyramids before I die
110. I don't believe that marriage is a good idea
     

There you have it. It's a day of things about me.

Step Study: Step Three

At last night's Al-Anob meeting, we talked about Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is a step in which I can either choose to get lost in all my character defects or accept my limitations and let my HP take over. Through step one I've learned that I can't control people, places or things, especially the alcoholic. In Step Two I accepted that a power greater than me can help me, nurture me and restore me to sanity.

For me, I think about three parts of Step Three: 1) making a decision, 2) turning over my will and 3) letting God as I understand him take care of me.

The making a decision part was explained to me by my good friend D. He used an example that he had heard in his AA meetings, "If three frogs are sitting on a log and one of them makes a decision to jump, how many frogs are left on the log?" When he first told me that, I said "Two!".
Well, the answer is three frogs because one only made a decision. So I can be willing to make a decision to turn over my will and life since that is the only one that I have any control over.

In turning over my will, I am accepting help from my HP to help me take care of myself. I am also letting go of all the things that I have tried to control. Through this step, I'm trusting that my HP will facilitate my recovery. I now realize that I can turn to my HP when my life becomes crazy.

The God of my understanding started out for me to be the Al-Anon group itself. I now have focused more on my HP as a spirtual being who gently nurtures me and loves me regardless of my character defects. It is now a trust that I have and a confidence that no matter how bad things are, my HP will see me through.

My sponsor urged me to write down prayers and notes to my HP and put them in a box. I've done that on several occasions. It does help to give up struggling and fretting, and simply let go. I feel closest to my HP when I'm near the water and watch the waves and might of the ocean. Even though there can be confused seas and turbulent times, there is an eternal rhythm to the waves given by the tides. Our lives will also ebb and flood but the HP will be there to keep us in rhythm.

Living one day at a time

I went to a meeting last night where the topic was One Day at a Time. Because I was on the other side of town, I couldn't make my meeting so went to a nearby AA meeting. It was interesting to hear the alcoholics' perspective since I've heard so much about ODAT in Al-Anon.
What I heard about self-pity, fears, and expectations were identical to sharings of Al-Anon without alcohol being in the mix. One person talked about escaping through alcohol because of not wanting to face fears. Once the alcohol was eliminated, then there were other means of escape through daydreaming, sleeping, reading, etc. but the fears were still hidden there beneath the surface. I guess that I'm making progress because the idea of forgiving the past and not worrying about the future seems to be what I'm living at the moment. I'm sure that I also escape by keeping busy and going places where I can meditate and think. I don't feel overcome by fear though or in a state of paralysis because of it.

I think that by living in the day, I'm able to feel much happier and nearly worry free. Listening to the alcoholics talk about their fears made me realize that we have all experienced the same kinds of pain. I just chose not to drink but rather to perfect myself to suit the needs of others. I'm learning not to do that anymore but to spend time doing those things that I need.

This recovery process can have some profound effects on those around you though. My alcoholic spouse is still sober but not being very active in attending meetings or working the steps. I get a lot of guilt tossed my way because I choose to work my program, go to a lot of meetings, and take time for myself. The "dry drunk" behavior is one that is loaded with anger and fear. After talks with my sponsor, I'm learning to detach and not buy into the alcoholic's thinking.

Anniversary of father's death

Today is the anniversary of my father's death. He died in 1985 at age 76 from cardiac failure largely due to emphysema. He was an old fashioned gentleman who loved being on the water. He taught me how to fish at an early age and to steer the boat and understand the channel markers. He always had a good job and worked every day for a large shipbuilding company that had a lot of defense contracts. For some reason though, on the weekends, he would go to a local bar and grill and have a few beers. One of those evenings resulted in his having a car accident in which he broke his shoulder. I remember that night well and it was one filled with fear for me. I can remember the sheriff coming to the door, my father coming in, and the doctor being summoned. Because my family was well known, there weren't any legal consequences. He had been driving his car too fast and it got away from him. His shoulder was broken and always had a different look to it for the rest of his life. I remember the smell of beer on him.

As time went on, he would sip bourbon on the weekends. He would often be drunk by dinner and I hated having to eat at the table with the slurred speech and criticism of me. He wasn't a mean drunk but he would be very critical of me and often express displeasure at whatever I did. I began to think that I annoyed him or was a source of irritation. When I was younger I would get the belt on my legs and butt. Although I would try to please him, as I got older, I rebelled. I was a teenager and as tall as he was, although he outweighed me. I can remember having arguments with him and he would try to hit me. I would storm out of the house and stay away until it was safe to come back. On the weekends, I would sometimes sleep until near noon and then head out with my friends or take my car and leave.

I was actually a good kid. I studied, made good grades, graduated at the top of my high school class and later was one of the top graduates in college. I never thought that he totally approved of me but probably that was in my own head. We made peace though as the years went by and thankfully his alcohol consumption went way down to near abstinence later in life.

I realize now that whatever was bothering him during those years of my youth was in his head. His anger was his to own and not mine. I loved him a lot and still think of him. He was a critical person but probably because he wanted so much for me. I gave all that I had to give and was by all outward signs a success. Inwardly though, I was unsure, felt unloved, and not very happy. That was especially prevalent during high school. When I went away to college, it was as if I were free. I was out of the house and on my own where no one knew anything about me. This "geographic" cure worked well until I came back home where all the same fears came back.

Anyway, I understand my father a lot better today than I ever did in those years. He did the best that he could and had his own fears to deal with. I think that he knew how much I loved him and hope that his spirit is peaceful and united with my mother whom he loved.

Staying busy

After sinking into a few sad moments yesterday, I decided that I'd better work my program and stay busy. So I've managed to do a day trip to one of the islands to the south, go to an AA meeting tonight and maybe take a walk on the beach afterwards. I talked with my sponsor who thought it would be good to keep busy so that I didn't have time to focus on others but could keep the focus on myself in a positive way.

One of the things that Ive been needing and lacking lately is sleep. So last night after walking the dogs and taking care of things around the house, I had some quiet time to read and then turned out the lights. It felt good to wake up refreshed this morning and see the woods through the window. The dogs were eager to go out for their walk so we did that. Now I'm going to put a few things in the car and hit the road for the day.

I always take along my camera just in case there is something that I want to photograph. It's a good hobby and one that I especially enjoy. I spend my professional life being very analytical but there is the artistic side that is always there and comes out through my writing and photography. One of my goals is to have a showing of my photographs next year. I think that I have enough now for a show but want to go to a few different places in the area and find a few more characters to photograph. Wishing the best to all of you for the day.

Thinking about the days ahead

One of the things that Al-Anon teaches is to live in the moment and take things one day at a time. I've got the weekend stretching ahead of me and I'm trying hard not to think too much about what to fill my days with. I've got nothing special planned except a meeting on Sunday. I'll likely try to go to another meeting, either AA or Al-Anon, because the more meetings I go to the better I feel. It's supposed to be rainy on and off but if I can make it to the beach with the dog, I'll be there too.

I'm struggling to stay in the moment and with this hour. Watching the harbor outside my window makes me want to be on the water, being lulled by the waves and just getting away from the things that are weighing me down.

Lest I go too far down a sinking path, here's my gratitude list for today:
1. I'm grateful for the choices that I have
2. I'm grateful for my sponsor who is my friend
3. I'm grateful for those who love me
4. I'm grateful that I can still love with passion
5. I'm grateful for being able to work on the water
6. I'm grateful for my good mind
7. I'm grateful for having periods of serenity
8. I'm grateful for the good times that I've had in the past and the happy times to come.
9. I'm grateful that I'm alive and in good health
10. I'm grateful that I'm still optimistic about lots of things.

Making decisions

I've been thinking about a lot of things in the last few days. Being laid up with a stomach bug gives you lots of time to think about where you are in life and where you really want to be. I've mostly gone along over the years with all kinds of things, never really allowing myself to think about the things that I wanted to do. Now, I'm finding that there is a whole new world available to me and I'm beginning to see that I don't want to waste time getting to that new world. I've thought about my marriage and wonder whether it is salvagable. I've thought about my possessions and wondered if I could just walk away from them. I've thought about my career and whether it's time for a drastic change.

Things seem exciting for the first time in a long while and I am wanting to not hang back this time and let life pass me by. I know in my heart that I really want to live alone, be my own person, get up when I want to, go to bed when I like, eat what I fix, and do nothing or do something. It's hard though to make the break from all the ties that bind me to home and job. I now understand why people just walk away from everything and move to a different place, get a new name, and start over. I'm too committed to run though so I'll have to work through this the hard way--by thinking through options and making decisions. Some of these decisions are going to rock my world and those around me. I'm not going to rush into doing anything drastic yet but I can feel that the time is coming for some choices. Maybe it's the program and recovery, but things are definitely much different than they were a year ago.

Reaching Out

Why is it that when we need people the most, we don't reach out to them? I think that what I feel is that I don't want to bother them, or perhaps I'm even fearful that I'll be rejected if I reach out. One of the things that Al-Anon says is that "When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and Al-Ateen always be there". That's a comforting thought. I have reached out when I've had some tough times. I call my sponsor when I need to be brought back to focus on myself. I've called my good friend D when I've been in crisis mode over things at home. I called one of the people at one of my meetings but after getting a lecture, decided not to reach out to that person again. Maybe what was said was right but I didn't want to hear it at that time.

My sponsor is a wonderful person who isn't about control but about wisdom and logic. I put a prayer in my God box for my sponsor who is having some serious health issues at this time. We are there for each other whenever and wherever we need to talk, get past a crisis, share a happy moment or just to know that someone is on the other end of the line. So, if you are feeling a need to share, just pick up the phone and call someone in Al-Anon that you trust and with whom you feel comfortable. It will make both of you feel good.

Bon voyage

Today, I saw my best friend leave for a few months. We've shared a lot of great experiences, ideas, and general good times for a while. He's been in AA recovery for many years and works his program diligently. He was really the one responsible for my finding Al-Anon since he knew that I had a lot of craziness going on at home. He finally said that I needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting and that my SO needed to go to AA. It's made a big difference in my life. None of the therapists ever suggested Al-Anon to me, even though they knew that my home life was a mess and that my SO's drinking was causing me a lot of anxiety.

It took a member of AA to make the suggestion that has really changed my life for the better. He's got a good sense of humor and has shared a lot of funny stories from the Grapevine, the AA publication. He's also shared some good lines from some of the old timers in AA. We generally find a lot to laugh about. One of the things we recently shared in conversation was that in Al-Anon we're trying to focus on ourselves while in AA, alcoholics are trying to get the focus off themselves. He also said that in Al-Anon we want to get in touch with our inner child while in AA, alcoholics are trying to not be childish and grow up. He also told me about an irrasible old timer who was accused of chasing some newcomers away with his brusqueness. When confronted about driving the newcomers away, the old timer said, "Well if I drove them away, liquor will drive them back".

Anyway, I'm wishing calm seas and a true course for my friend D. He carries his BB with him and his 16 year chip. I know that wherever he is, he'll be okay.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. I’ve found that is a hard thing to do especially having lived with alcoholism. In Courage to Change, there is a daily reading that basically says that many of us in came to Al-Anon with a compulsion to focus on other people. Many of us had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct. When we realized that our own lives were being neglected because all our attention was elsewhere we had to make some major changes.

I'm still learning how to mind my own business and not that of the alcoholic. For many of us, when thoughts begin with “He should” or “She shouldn’t” , then we are slipping back into minding someone else's business. I don’t have the answers for other people. We don't make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life. If I start getting caught up in what they should or should not do, I have lost my humility. I have also ceased to pay attention to myself. Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

I know that I have been very focused over the years on the behavior of the alcoholic. I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what the alcoholic was doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself. What this program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.

the weekend

I had a busy weekend, one in which I didn't dwell on anything other than the moments that I was in. I let the peaceful feeling that I had guide me which is quite an accomplishment for someone who used to be wound tight. I just let things happen and only had a couple of things that were scheduled. So, I went to the beach with one of the dogs, went out on the water, went out to eat, did some photography and enjoyed the company of a very good friend.

One of the more serious things that I learned this past week was that my sponsor has a serious illness. I thought about that a lot over the weekend. I am concerned but am also trusting that this good person will be okay. There are some people who just exude a sense of calm and well being. My sponsor is one of those individuals who has lived life to the fullest and enjoys every moment of what life has to offer. I am indeed fortunate to have such a wonderful person in my life.

Last night, I chaired my home group meeting. It was an anniversary for one of the members who shared her story. Every time I hear a life story, it amazes me that any of us survived the anguish that we've had to endure as children with angry or alcoholic parents. Most of us learned to survive either by shutting down, breaking down, running around or falling face down due to our own addictions. It's good that we found the Al-Anon or AA fellowship because there wasn't much else that appeared to work. It takes a lot to revisit the old pain and learn new ways of dealing with it. What's sad is that for every one of us who is in the program, there are countless others who either don't know about it or who choose not to try it.

Self-worth

One of the parts of Step Four in Al-Anon is to assess self worth. I've had moments when I felt confident and carefree and then I've had moments in which I felt totally worthless. In the fourth step workbook, there is a statement that really hits home:

"We hid our feeling of self-worth deep within, and our perspective became distorted. Many of us even tried to conceal that we felt worthless on the inside to the point that we couldn't show any real warmth and concern for anyone, including ourselves".

I know that there are families where the self-esteem of the child is nurtured. In my family, I could never please my father. He was a stern person who was always critical of me no matter how hard I tried. From that critical parental view, I began to think that I wasn't ever going to be "good enough".

I can think back on how many times I was concerned about what others thought of me. For the most part though, if I felt criticized and rejected, I shut myself off from those people. I didn't try to change myself which is a good thing. That system broke down though around those people that I loved. For them, I would try my best to be what they wanted, at the sacrifice of my own well being. Now I recognize those individuals who are judgmental and I am not really concerned about what they think. Sure there are moments when I slip and become self-critical; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm really okay and the issues that others have are not something that I have to own. I still love deeply but if someone really doesn't like the way I am, then there needs to be communication that is clear and a discussion that is rational and loving. I know what kind of person I am and am getting more and more comfortable in my skin.

Enabling

I am thinking today about how much I enabled my qualifier over the years. Enabling to me means the things that I've done that might make it easier for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn't any binge drinking or staying out all night. It was more of an internal rage that resulted in the need to have several drinks. This was especially bad at parties where I had no "control" over the person. Now I realize that my anxiety and embarassment was enabling. What I could have chosen to do is not go to the party or go without the alcoholic. I never felt comfortable after I saw the third beer or second drink consumed since I knew that many more were to come.

I probably did many other things to enable the alcoholic, over and over again. It really took a major shake up for the alcoholic to take notice and get some help. I no longer try to rescue the alcoholic nor do I feel stifled in doing the things that I like to do.

What I now realize is that until the alcoholic's drinking, thinking and behavior becomes painful enough they will not reach out for help. If I try to help diminish their pain then I am really preventing them from feeling that "pain" that would be a natural result of their own actions. I am effectively cushioning their downward spiral and if I make things cushy enough then they won't even know that they fell. If they never face the pain their drinking causes, why should they ever quit?

Working with others

There is a chapter in the Big Book of AA that addresses working with those who drink, basically with the idea of practicing the Twelfth Step. From reading this chapter, I've thought about some of the co-dependence issues that face spouses and parents of the alcoholic or addict.

What the BB says is that we don't waste time trying to persuade people to stop their destructive behavior if they don't want to stop. This is where detachment with love is necessary. We have to practice our Step One in Al-Anon to realize that we are powerless and that no amount of pleading, manipulating, or insanity on our part can cure the person who is deciding to drink or take drugs.

What the BB instead says is that when the binge ends or a lucid interval occurs, a family member, sponsor or friend needs to ask the individual if they want to quit for good and if they would go to any extreme to do so. If the answer is yes, then the individual should talk to someone who has recovered and who is trying to help others, as part of their own recovery.

This seems like such good advice because it won't work if we force ourselves and our pleadings on another. It hasn't worked before or in as many times as we've tried it. If the individual who has the problem doesn't want to stop, then nothing we can say or do will make the individual stop. It seems that we all need to recall these things when there is a slip or we are dealing with people we love who can't seem to quit. They probably haven't gotten to the bottom yet or realized the seriousness of what they are doing.

Similarly, in Al-Anon, we have to be beaten down by the disease to such a point that we are ready to admit our powerlessness and to turn things over to our HP. If we are still thinking that we can "fix" things, then we aren't ready to make the changes necessary to take care of ourselves.