My mother's birthday

Today is my mother's birthday. I can't help but think of her with a mixture of happiness and sadness. She was certainly a woman of many contradictions.

She was my best friend when I was a child. We always had a number of interesting things to do. Every summer there would be a project for me to work on that involved biology. I would hatch out insects and study the life stages. I would grow tadpoles into frogs. I had my own microscope and would make slides from my blood, onion skin, algae, etc. We went into the woods and along ponds and streams to collect and study various things. This was what she taught me.

She was a Latin and English teacher who loved science. She also loved history and wrote a book on history of our county. She graduated from college and took graduate courses, all things that women of her generation hardly ever did. She was an elected official and was in all sorts of clubs. My mother was one of the most interesting people that I ever met. She was also one of the most frustrating.

From an early age, I can remember my mother having a very closed view of our little world. She was a proper lady when she needed to be and could be very haughty and judgmental if she was put on the defensive. She was always in denial about our family. She always told me to "remember who you are and where you came from". This was very confusing to me since I didn't think that we lived any better than anyone else. I liked just about everybody and to this day have an affinity for the people who aren't loved because they aren't pretty or rich or powerful. I am a friend to the underdog, I guess.

Anyway, my mother always wanted me to be the best. I had to have the best grades and succeed academically. She didn't have to push me much because it was what I wanted also. I know that she was proud of my accomplishments.

Mother could be very vain and put on great airs. In later life, those kinds of things could be excused but they still bothered me. She suffered from severe depression from age 70 on. I made sure that she got treatments, and she had hundreds of electoconvulsive shock treatments over the course of her depression. She was hospitalized many times, and each time she was admitted, she would come out more fragile than before. Anything could trigger a major depression such as getting a cold or not knowing how to work a microwave. But, when she wasn't depressed, she could have so much fun. Everything seemed to be a treat for her. It was as if life was a big candy store.

In her last years, she lived in a nursing center where she was the "social director". She always dressed beautifully and had a lot of friends among staff and residents. If she approved of you, she could be charming. If she didn't, well, you never knew whether she would be cold or just neutral. I think that her depression had a lot to do with her attitude. Most times when I would visit her or bring her home, she would be busily writing or reading. She loved to make inventories of all the antiques and delighted in genealogy. I guess that the inventory I'm making on myself is probably one that she never thought about.

Mother died peacefully at age 96 in 2005. I know that she was an exceptionally bright woman who had inherited a terrible illness. Depression robbed her of a lot because the ECT treatments wipe out short term memory. I'm just glad that her last years were spent being cared for well and being around those who loved her. Happy birthday Elizabeth. I still love you.

Getting those sex relations down

I started working on the sex relations part of the AA fourth step this morning. This is an interesting and somewhat painful part of the whole step for me. I've had my share of passionate moments and when putting it all down on paper, it made me realize that in lots of cases, I had very selfish motives.

I cared for several of the women that I was involved with but in some cases it was just to fulfill something in me that would make me feel better. I guess that I confused sex with love and was looking for a way to be close to someone. Sex is a wonderful thing, and I still think that it is the most pleasurable thing that the HP has given us.

This inventory has made me realize that my motives weren't always the best, but I've never been deliberately unkind to anyone. In some situations, I probably didn't extricate myself from a relationship in the best manner. I'm not going to beat myself up over any of this. This inventory has helped me realize that 1) I had more sexual relationships than I thought, 2) although selfishly driven in some and experimental in others, I think that there was compassion in addition to passion, and 3) I am glad to think about sex as something that is a wonderful gift from the HP. I've never despised or loathed it but have probably been driven by it in search of love.

"Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon poeple who happento be inthe way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused. If sex runs riot, there is a similar uproar." Twelve and Twelve

Busy Saturday

I've had a busy and happy Saturday. I started off by going to the downtown market and walking around there. It was a happy time with a lot of flowers, produce, arts and crafts, and dogs walking around. I saw some people that I haven't seen in a while which was also good. It was nice to see so many people enjoying the warm weather and listening to music that was being played by an acoustic guitar player.

After the market, I went to a garden center and bought a lot of plants. MC and Lushgirl have inspired me with their gardens so I bought a lot of Gerber daisies, foxglove, Asian lilies, and several other plants to put in. There are already a lot of perennials in but I wanted to add some different species to what I already have planted. Anyway, that was a fun time as well. Going to a garden center is like going to a candy store for me. I want some of everything.

Thankfully, there was no Costco, Tab. I try to avoid those warehouse places as much as I can.

The rest of today is just going to be spent chilling out. I don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe I'll throw something on the grill and fix a good salad. I'm very grateful for having a day off to just have nothing really pressing to do. I just enjoyed walking around and seeing some of the beautiful things that make this town so great to live in. Tomorrow will hopefully be a beach day. Anyway, hope that everyone else is having a good weekend.

How do you play the game?

I was listening to a speaker talk about how life is often spoken of as a game. I haven't felt that it was much fun playing the game of life until I came to Al-Anon. In thinking about my life and the stages that I've gone through, several things come to mind as to how I've played the game.

1. Don't play at all--just give up. During the last few years when things were so bad and I felt hopeless, I came as close to giving up as I could. I simply had enough of the anger, moodiness, emptiness and depression. I had thought about suicide or doing damage to myself but these were mainly things that I would mentally flirt with. I know now that giving up is a state of hopelessness and not one that I want to revisit.

2. Drop out and just do whatever substances you can eat, shoot, drink or inhale. I didn't do much of this or make it a career but I did hang out with people on the fringes when I was in college. I dabbled in this or that but never found that any substance I used made me feel any better.

3. Deny that you want to play, yet you really do. I've made a real habit of this for much of my life. Never feeling apart of anything made it easy to deny that I wanted to participate when asked. I really did want to be a part of things but was blocked by my fear of rejection.

4. Give it everything that you've got and keep at it no matter what. This has probably been my most used strategy in the game and one that co-dependents do well. It's also another way to define insanity by doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results.

I've determined after being in the program that the best way to play is to have a total awareness and just enjoy life. I also try to live each day with gratitude. My revelations about life occur in the now.

Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs

Work is one of the places where I often find it most difficult to apply my program. I work in a bureaucratic environment where there are rules and regulations. My work, thankfully, isn't bureaucratic, although what I call "managerial BS" is constantly lurking around every corner. I work with a great bunch of people in my group. It's not the people that I manage who are a problem.

The administrators are the ones that I take inventory on. It is difficult for me to step back and feel peaceful around controlling, manipulative, and unhappy people. As my sponsor says, it takes one to know one. I find that when there is micromanagement, I become defensive and feel that I have to justify and answer all the inane questions being asked. In short, I resent being controlled. One of the classic examples of micromanagement is when "Bob" starts wandering the hallways at 4:30 to make sure no one has left work before 5. Or he questions what you are taking your sick leave for, pretending to care about your health. Or he enjoys being in everyone's business. Or he calls staff without Ph.D.'s "lower level" and rarely gives any positive comments, unless somehow it is reflected back on him. After having been at my job for 28 years, I'm seeing a drastic demoralization of staff since "Bob" took over.

So what I find is that I've got to let my resentment go. I decided to do a special fourth step inventory around "Bob". By taking my own inventory, I was able to determine that:
1. I'm okay with the work that I do and know that I do a good job.
2. I can't fix him but I can defuse his behavior and its effect on me.
3. I will focus my energy where it needs to be: on my work and not on the micromanager or his behavior.
4. I will stay calm and not get agitated. Essentially, I'll practice kindness and not let the controlling behavior take root in me.
5. I will keep in mind that the control freak has a compulsive behavior that isn't personally directed at me.
6. I do have an option to just excuse myself and take a brief "time out" for myself. I can protect myself by mentally or physically "leaving the field".

Here is a bit of humor on the situation:

The world is full of idiots. Of course, you don't need me to tell you that. Look around. They're everywhere--in the next cubicle at work, on the highways as you drive home, and probably hiding out in your own house as well. Just think how easy your life would be if the people around you would just use their heads for once and do what they're supposed to do.

Dream on. While you're at it you might want to think about what you'll do when you win the lottery.

The rest of us have an existential question to ponder. How do we do our jobs and live our lives in a world where most of the people are idiots who cant be counted on to do what they should? Your answer to this question will, in large part, determine how effective you are in your job and how happy you are in your life. Here are some options to consider:

Get mad -- The idiots certainly deserve it. If it weren't for (put the name of your favorite idiot here) your life would be so much easier and more productive. Of course if it weren't for gravity, you could fly, too.

Get even -- The advantage of this strategy is its utter simplicity. You don't have to be very smart to use it, in fact, chimpanzees are quite capable of grasping the concept. What they miss is the law of physics that states “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”’ The psychology can be stated in this simple equation: Get mad, get even, get retaliation.

Help the poor fools by explaining what they're doing wrong -- This is how people get even without admitting it to themselves. Some may actually believe they are doing a kindness by showing people the error of their ways. There is a special place in the afterlife reserved for the holier than thou, and it's a lot warmer than they expect.

Nag -- People may change in response to nagging, but they seldom change in the way you want. Keep trying; you may be able to convince yourself that you've done everything you can, but since the fools just wont listen, whatever happens to them is their own damn fault.

Go on Oprah and talk about your favorite idiot -- You can also call in and tell Rush; I'm sure they'll be interested. Other people who cant do anything may sympathize as well. Remember, the more you repeat the story, the better it gets.

don't say anything to the idiots themselves but think about them all the time -- This is the way people create stress related physical symptoms for themselves. The idiots around you wont listen, but maybe your doctor will.

Give up because you cant do anything anyway -- Depression strikes someone every ten seconds. The minute you give up, the next victim could be you.

Learn how to share the planet with the competency-challenged --You are never going to make idiots into smart, responsible people like you. The best you can hope for is to keep control of your own life and not give it to them by letting their problems push your buttons.

Can you imagine how miserable life would be if every idiot had the power to make you miserable?
by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Never miss an opportunity

I was listening to a speaker last night describe how hard it is to keep the focus on himself. He has two adult sons who are addicts. He said that it's hard for him to keep quiet around them because he wants them to get a sponsor, work the steps and read literature, and do all the other things in order to keep them from relapsing. In short, he said that he has a hard time just keeping quiet. He wants so badly for them to stay in AA and do everything possible to stay clean.

It was an interesting discussion because I've done what he has done: made suggestions to my SO about working the steps or going to more meetings. It came across really badly every time that I tried to make suggestions, largely because I was trying to work her program for her. Finally, after I was met with less than happy comments back, I decided that how someone works their program isn't any of my business. I can only work mine and work on me.

Knowing that I'm powerless over what someone else does helps me keep the focus on myself. I've also felt the resentment boiling in the other person when I've made "helpful" (read controlling) suggestions. Resentment is a dangerous thing and can lead to any number of problems in a relationship and with recovery. One of the best take home messages that I came away with from the meeting was the following: "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut".

Are you working the program?

I was listening to some people talking at the meeting last night and the question came up about how Al-Anons work their program. I think that it's about the same way that the AA's work their program, through a proactive approach. For me, working the Al-Anon program means going to meetings and conventions, reading literature, keeping in touch with my HP and my sponsor, meditation, doing a written and electronic journal, chairing meetings, taking food to meetings, making calls to those in trouble, and helping others get to meetings. I'm not at the point where I can sponsor anyone but am looking forward to doing 12 step service work.

The things mentioned above are all outward action steps. There is another dimension to working the program and that is through internal changes. These are changes in attitude and recognition of a Higher Power to share some of the load. My attitude adjustment means that I no longer take on more things than I want to. I break my life into small pieces that I can handle and also enjoy. And I've learned how to relax which is a wonderful benefit of the program. I have learned that I don't have to get everything done today. Things can wait. I no longer make lists of things to do. In my previous chaotic life, I would keep busy and not focus on what was going on inside of me. Today, I work at focusing inward with less emphasis on focusing outward. The result is that I've got feelings of self-worth, gratitude and a lot of positive energy.

Attitude

Last night's discussion was on attitude. I've generally always had a positive attitude but there have been many times that I've had to fake it or react. Those were the dark times when things were going downhill and my SO's attitude really was bad. I let my attitude at that time be dictated by another person. When she was in a bad mood and angry, then I was also angry. Sometimes I would try to be cheerful, but I really felt wounded and dead on the inside.

I never really understood until coming into Al-Anon that I alone had control over my attitude. It is up to me to be as miserable or as cheerful as I want to be. I've found that by thinking about something positive even when there is a lot of turmoil, I can get myself out of a bad place so much quicker than I did before. What I shared at the meeting was that if I take my own inventory and not that of the other person, then I can see which dark place I'm heading towards and get out. Last night, a lady came up to me after the meeting and said that she was always glad to see me because I seemed to enjoy life so much. She had been fairly down in her sharing at the meeting. It seems that what I project can not only be helpful to me but appears to rub off on others. In short, I'm getting back what I project.

Happiness is......

I remember the book Happiness is a Warm Puppy. It conjured up that kind of childlike happiness that most of us long for. I haven't thought about the warm puppy kind of happiness in a long time. The book is about appreciating the little things in life that make us happy. Thinking about that child hood book is a reminder that it is possible (and maybe necessary) to find happiness in things that may be overlooked. One of the pages from the book that I think fits my life is the one that shows Linus working on a jigsaw puzzle: "Happiness is finding the little piece with the pink edge and part of the sky and the top of the sailboat."

I know that somewhere along the way I came to think that happiness meant having more things, a bigger house, a nicer car and recognition for my work. The truth is that none of that is what makes me happy. I think that my happiness comes from accepting myself for who I am, and not being dependent on others to bring me happiness. It's a form of surrender for me. I've always wanted to be loved, yet never loved myself. I thought that if I loved someone else enough, they would love me back. I looked for my happiness through the eyes of others. I'm not saying that I always am self-accepting. However, I appreciate so many more things today and find that I'm more appreciative of myself and what I think and feel. I want to keep the kind of simple happiness in my life that comes from the small things.

Love and service

I put Dr. Bob's last message below because it seems appropriate for me at the moment. I'll keep the details to a minimum. I found out last night that someone that I've been helping in the program has lied to me. The lie was about his going to a meeting when he didn't. Not an earth shattering lie by any means or one that impacts my life. Yet, I must have had some expectations about the truth because I realized as soon as I found out about the lie that I felt resentment. I trusted that this individual was being straight with me. It's not about what the lie was because whether he goes to a meeting is up to him. I'm not the meeting police or his sponsor. However, I did feel angry that he had lied to me.

Maybe this isn't a big deal, and I'm making too much of it but what feels right to me is that I need to distance myself from this person. I find lying to be unacceptable. I feel as if I've been manipulated. I was trusting and wanted to give a hand to someone who seemed to want it. I know that I still want to help but am having a hard time with trust at the moment. I know that I have a choice to be with those who are healthy to be around and those who will drain me if I let them.

When I read the words that Dr.Bob spoke, I am confused. His words embody what I think these programs are about. Yet, I now see the danger for me in being too trusting. I also can see that I wanted to believe that I could help someone. So, it's back to Steps One and Four for me and in doing my inventory I found that my altruism was self-seeking because by helping someone else I could feel better about myself. Actually, today I feel glad that I did that inventory last night and immediately saw where I was wrong. I realize once again that I need to take care of myself and take my own inventory when things don't feel right. At this point I will quit the analysis and just yield to those of you who have more experience than I in these issues.

"Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service. We understand what love is and we understand what service is. So let's bear those two things in mind.

Let us also remember to guard that erring member - the tongue, and if we must use it, let's use it with kindness and consideration and tolerance.

And one more thing; none of us would be here today if somebody hadn't taken time to explain things to us, to give us a little pat on the back, to take us to a meeting or two, to have done numerous little kind and thoughtful acts in our behalf. So let us never get the degree of smug complacency so that we're not willing to extend or attempt to, that help which has been so beneficial to us, to our less fortunate brothers."
Dr. Bob, delivered at the first international conference of Alcoholics Anonymous at Cleveland, Ohio in 1950

Friday musings

Thanks for your comments and thoughts about my dog. The good news is that none of the tests revealed any tumors or blockages. She has a very inflamed stomach, severe gastroenteritis, and is on several new medications. She is still depressed but hopefully the medication will help her to feel better. I was relieved to get this news as this condition can be treated. My dogs are much loved and are like the kids I never had.

I hardly ever watch any television anymore. It's as if my attention can't be focused on a talking head for very long. Oh I'll watch the news for a while but mostly I just read the paper and books. Anyway, I watched the HBO documentary on Addiction. I had heard some people talking about it before it aired and decided that it might be worth watching. It is generally well done and does have a lot of medical information and provides insight into the disease of addiction. There were several points that were made that I found interesting:

1. A comment made by one of the MD's at the Medical University of South Carolina was interesting. She stated that the idea that someone had to hit rock bottom before they would get into recovery was not true. In fact, the sooner that someone could get into treatment, the better that they would be. The reality is that everyone is different — there is no predicting what will impel someone to seek treatment.

2. Thankfully, addiction is discussed as a medical, not moral, condition afflicting brains which have ceased to function correctly. Current research indicates that repeated use of drugs and alcohol alters the way the brain works. These alterations can now be observed and described in precise detail. It was interesting to see an MRI of the brain of someone who was actively using and someone who wasn't.

I didn't hear but a couple of references to AA and don't recall any to Al-Anon. The program stressed the medical side of things. I understand the medical side but think that recovery is dependent on something other than pills and role playing. The importance of the fellowship, the spiritual aspect, and all that the programs embody seem to me to be more helpful than any therapist ever was.

One of the things that seems to come through to me is that there is something very special about the fellowship of the 12 step programs when compared to other kinds of therapy. I am thinking more and more about how I want to be involved in service work when I've completed the steps. I've always liked helping others but now there is a real compulsion for me to do so. Thinking about the rampage of a murderer at Va. Tech. reminds me that the killer was someone's child, had aspirations, had dreams and somehow all those things became channeled into a sickness and a rage that was all consuming. It makes me think that each of us needs to reach out a hand.

It seems to follow that when I have a problem, I can go to a meeting or talk to others and come away with much less of a problem and much more of a solution. Just by realizing that I don't have the answers but others do makes the fellowship a powerful thing. Similarly, when I see someone who is new and sits in the back, I go forward now and introduce myself and make an overture to the other person. Whether at meetings or just in life maybe we all need to be more aware, watch out for each other in a caring way, and not be afraid to reach out for help. For me, I know that working with others will be a major part of my recovery and growth as a person.

Looking towards the light

I am grateful for a day at home yesterday, closeness of the dogs, mending fences with my SO, and those who called to check on me or email me after Tuesday night's drama. I'm back at work today, feeling renewed and inspired to go for a run at noon. It seems that when my head slips back into replaying the old tapes or I accept someone else's pain, then my energy just goes way down. But today is another day and it's filled with a lot of promise.

I do have great concern about one of my older dogs who hasn't been feeling well. She is at the vet's today to be checked out with more tests. I love my dogs. This old girl has been so special for so many reasons. She is now grizzled with grey on her head, paws, and behind. She is depressed from not feeling well, yet she still manages to wag her tail and look at me with adoration. I would like for her to be in your thoughts today.

I know that there is a plan for everything. There are those who will be around when the sun goes down and there are those who won't. I think about the loss of life this week and know that for some reason a disturbed person took away a lot of plans, hopes and dreams. As I heard Sister Maurice say, "All will be revealed in time." I know that there is a plan for me or I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling better about myself and looking at all the day has to offer. I am out of the darkness and looking towards the light today.

One Step Back and One Step Forward

After having a much needed meeting last night, I went to the nearby restaurant with some Al-Anons and a couple of AA fellows. We sat and talked about the roundup and other things related to the program. I had called home on the way to the meeting and after the meeting. Things seemed to be okay.

When I got home though the proverbial shit hit the fan. My SO started by saying that I had no interest other than with the program and that because we had such different interests, it seemed best for her to take a bedroom upstairs and for me to either move out or stay in the downstairs wing of the house. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I would like to tell you that I detached with love and let go and let God. I would like to tell you that I just accepted that she was tired after a business meeting out of town and that all would be okay. But I reverted to my old behavior and tried to discuss the matter. Rather than just say, I'll talk to you tomorrow and let her sleep upstairs, I asked what was going on to bring this tirade about. So I got a lot of resentment lobbed my way, and I accepted it. As I was embracing all her resentments though, I realized that I didn't feel anger at her or any resentment myself. She said that she wanted things to be the way that they were. And I told her gently that wasn't possible because neither of us are the same people we once were. I told her that I was finally making some good friends in the fellowship and that it was good to get together after the meeting. I said that I was doing what I needed to do for me. Then, she lapsed into self-pity, claiming that it was all her fault with the drinking and that had driven me away. At this point, I just listened. I wanted to say, "No, it wasn't just the drinking that drove me away it was the depression, the self-pity, the martyrdom, and the lack of any interest in me until I started having outside interests myself." But no I didn't say anything. I just walked over and took her hand and said "let's go downstairs and get some sleep".

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night but thankfully today is a different day. She still is wallowing in self-pity to a degree but has gotten better as the day has worn on. I put some speaker tapes on and we listened to those. I took the day off today to be home and be around and try to get some rest. I wouldn't have been much good at work anyway.

What happened to me last night made me realize that it is so easy for me to get back into those behaviors that made me crazy and empty. Today, I'm thinking about Steps One through Three and going over them in my mind. After doing that this morning, I have found that today is a different day. One day at a time is all I can do.

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself. I don't expect to dramatically alter my life. My goal is simply to move in a positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps. " from Courage to Change

How do you explain insanity?

I've been listening to the news reports on the shooting at Virginia Tech. I know that there are lots of people out there who are on the brink of sliding completely into darkness. But how do you explain someone like this? Disturbed, insane, sick, suicidal are all words that come to mind. Whatever it was it became a horror show for many people.

In the face of the sadness that I feel inside, I think that I need to express my gratitude today for:

1. Waking up this morning still living and with a relatively sound mind and body
2. Believing that in the days and weeks ahead there will be some comfort for the loved ones of those slain
3. Never wanting to pick up a gun to shoot anything since I killed squirrels when I was a kid
4. Those individuals that I love who are safe and sound today
5. Having a meeting tonight
6. The fellowship in Al-Anon and AA that helps us face fears and resentments.

I can't say much else today. I'm just thinking about the parents and students and staff whose lives have been forever changed by a moment of insanity. I am hoping that there is peace and serenity for them soon.

Group conscience--Tradition Two

There's something that happened yesterday that nearly caused a lot of hurt and could have added to an already sad situation.

Yesterday I received a phone call to tell me that the regular Sunday night meeting was being canceled due to inclement weather. Yes, there were tornado warnings in some areas of the state, but I also knew that there were some people who were needing that meeting. I had found out on Saturday that one in our fellowship was having a hard time because of the overdose death of a former SO during the week. When I heard that the meeting had been canceled, I felt that it wasn't a good idea.

We say at the end of our meeting that "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help —let the hand of Al-Anon and Alateen always be there, and —Let It Begin With Me." Those words are ones that tell me that I need to be there when someone is having difficulty. So, I called my sponsor and explained that I thought that canceling was a bad idea. He hadn't been the one to cancel the meeting and had been notified by phone just as I had. Later in the afternoon, my sponsor called to tell me that there was going to be an emergency meeting because one in our group was having a hard time dealing with the overdose death. She had requested that the meeting be held as she wanted to be with her home group. Only a few members were called to be there because everyone else had been told of the cancellation.

So I went and we read and shared our thoughts. It was very hard on the person who was grieving the loss. Lots of very raw emotions, some guilt and tons of resentment came out. There was another one in our group who showed up who hadn't been notified about the cancellation of the meeting and who was also having a very hard time over the severing of a relationship with an alcoholic.

Somehow the HP brought us together to help each other. For me, it was also a clear demonstration of Tradition Two: "For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern." I am glad that anger and frustration over the meeting cancellation didn't build up in me or in any one else. I'm not sure how those who weren't called to come to the "on again" meeting will feel. I think that we each learned a valuable lesson that we need to hold our meeting unless there is an act of God that forces a cancellation.

Summing up the Roundup

Now that I have gotten sleep and can think clearly, I want to give some impressions from the roundup and summarize some of the thoughts from the speakers on Saturday. This was my first roundup so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. What a great experience it was. I met new people, heard so many people speak of their recovery, and saw so many people who were at peace with themselves. I can't wait until the next one happens and am looking into traveling to go to other such events in other areas. I am a sponge now and want to absorb and get as much of this into my head as I can.

So, yesterday morning the Al-Anon speaker Larcine G. from CA really spoke from her heart. She talked about her father who was an alcoholic and how the family disease of alcoholism affected her. Her focus was on forgiveness of her father. Eventually she was able to let go of the past. Because she was very much into rules and order, everything in her life had to be in order. She established the rules and regulations in her marriage. When she found that the alcoholic didn't respond to the imposed regimen on his life, she went to Al-Anon to figure out how to fix him. Basically, she thought that if her husband were "fixed" then she would be okay. She tried to force solutions on the alcoholic and they didn't work. She didn't understand why she felt so awful after her husband got sober. It took her two years to finally get back into Al-Anon and begin to look at herself and how she had been affected by the disease of alcoholism. Her message was that you have to be willing and that you are as unhappy as you want to be. She talked a lot about how there would be "information from nowhere" landing in her head. Her projections and the fear caused her insanity.

As I listened I thought, this lady is telling some of my story. The same rules and criticism that I heard as a child were the very same things that I reacted to and spewed out as an adult. Interesting how we get programmed to do the very things that we rebelled against and disliked at an early age.

At the first mini-meeting, there was a good discussion on turning negative thoughts into something positive. Although it was led by Larcine from Al-Anon, there were many AA's in attendance. They shared how the program had helped them to shed the fear and worry through working the steps, turning their lives over to their HP, and living the steps on a daily basis. There were many good thoughts shared at this meeting.

The next mini-meeting there was a discussion of being the Guardian of AA. Some expressed concern that AA should only be for alcoholics in a strict interpretation of the AA pamplet Problems Other Than Alcohol. Others were much more liberal in their view expressing that AA was the umbrella for helping those with other problems as well as alcoholism. It was interesting to listen to the GSRs talk about the "politics" of AA.

Before the final speaker, there was a give away of two Big Books that had been signed by all the people at the Roundup. Maybe this is done at every conference but I thought that it was moving. There was a count up for the person with the most years of sobriety and there was a countdown for the person who had the least. The person who had the most years was an elderly lady with nearly 56 years of sobriety. The person who had the least was a young woman with 2 days. When they both stood in front of everyone, the applause was thunderous. For the newcomer, it was stated that she was the most important person in the room. And the lady with the 56 years, gave her the autographed Big Book. What a moving thing.

The final speaker was Tim T. of Cleveland. His story was one that showed how even the most desperate can achieve peace and practice the principles in their daily life. He was funny yet very touching when he talked about his mother and how his disease had affected her. I thought that his final sentence summed it up: “What happens between the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer is not nearly as important as what happens between the Lord’s Prayer and the Serenity Prayer”. This is something that I need to remember every day.

I'm tired but feel so good

I just got home after a day at the roundup. It's late so I'll just give a brief overview and post more tomorrow. This morning at 10 AM was the Al-Anon speaker, Larcene from CA. She was an incredibly good speaker and had a message that applied to everyone there. After that was a nice cookout followed by a mini-meeting with Open Discussion on how to turn negative thoughts and actions into something positive. After that was another mini-meeting on AA and its current status: how to preserve it for the future. At 8 PM, Tim T. from Cleveland told a dynamic story that was filled with laughter and tears. I'm completely saturated at the moment and will write summaries tomorrow. Right now, I need to wind down, do some reading before going to sleep, and thank my HP for placing me in the midst of this group. I am very grateful for meeting so many friendly people and for having an opportunity to soak up the spirit and message of AA and Al-Anon. It was an experience that will be with me for a long time.

Roundup Speaker Friday night

Last night's speaker was a woman who lived in the area. She came up the hard way and began drinking seriously at 9 years old and got sober at 15. She got sober through the help of the old timers at the Cleveland, Ohio AA. It was as if I were hearing a part of AA history. Some of the old timers were around when the Akron group got started. She talked about how the old timers didn't know what to do with a teenager so they basically surrounded her with love and never left her to her own devices. It was a wonderful thing to hear how they totally took her over. She had a tough lady as her sponsor, an elderly woman who took no prisoners. It was a great story and one that made me see the love and dedication that so many have to AA.

One of the parts of AA history that was interesting was when Deb talked about the Four Absolutes: Absolute Honesty, Absolute Purity, Absolute Unselfishness, and Absolute Love. Her sponsor thought that these were the outcomes of the 12 steps. I hadn't heard of them so talked with her afterwards and she explained that the Cleveland group has a pamphlet that explains these. They are the essence of Jesus's teachings about the Will of God, the ideals for man's life, and the moral standards by which man's thoughts and actions may be tested for harmony with God's will. I found this information very late last night on the Four Absolutes.

This morning's speaker is from Al-Anon. I'll post more later when I get back. It's a day of total immersion today. I told my sponsor that I'm not an AA but from all the good stuff that's coming out of this meeting, I could be a wannabe. What a great group of people. More to come later....

Roundup impressions

I went to the first speaker session at 8 PM last night. The roundup is being held on an island that has a lot of resort homes but also has the feeling of a small town. It definitely is one of my favorite places to visit. Beautiful old trees, the ocean right there, and not too many McMansions.

There were a lot of people outside talking and smoking when I got there. My sponsor knew several people so I was introduced. For a moment, I thought that I might be at a work conference because except for the location, number of smokers and the dress, everyone was wearing name tags and talking in various groups. The major difference was that you could meet someone at this meeting and not be asked "Well, what's your specialty?" or "Did you see the paper by .....". There was no posturing and arrogance. I felt comfortable and glad to see so many happy faces.

The speaker was an ex-cop from South Philly. He was engaging and funny. For me to consider some of the things that he has done and to be able to speak and mostly laugh about them, well, it is just hard to imagine. He had a defiant and difficult past, all of which seemed to revolve around fear and not fitting in. These are common themes that come up over and over again from listening and reading. They are the basic behavioral foundation for so many people in AA and Al-Anon. How he came to surrender and eventually work through the steps and traditions seemed a miracle considering his circumstances and how far down he had gone.

As I listened and absorbed, I thought what a courageous thing to be able to stand in front of so many strangers and bare your soul. It's still hard for me to speak about some things without a great deal of pain. Laughter will hopefully come some day but for now I'm just satisfied to be able to talk in my meetings. I've had to talk in front of big audiences before but not about anything personal. It's always been impersonal and factual. Speaking to impress and having to have answers to questions asked was how I gave a talk. I was at least very willing to admit when I didn't know something.

What I know now is that I'll never have all the answers to the important questions. I've not ever known all the answers to many of the hypotheses that I deal with in my work. How can I ever hope to provide even the remotest of answers to the questions that I've sought all my life? There was a speaker at a work seminar the other day who urged those attending to provide information from our research with more certainty. Many of us were wondering how we can do that when every result that we get just leads to more questions. I think that is what the program does also. We may think that we are secure and well-fixed in the program and then something will come along to show us that we don't have all the answers. It's the HP's way of keeping us humble. The wonderful part about just living in general is that if we accept that we won't ever have all the answers then we are so amazed when we hear something that adds a bit more knowledge. I've always said that if I ever stopped learning, then it's time to hang it up. I'm looking forward to absorbing more knowledge about "how it works" as the roundup continues.

Roundup Weekend

There's a roundup occurring nearby that my sponsor invited me to attend. I'll be going for the session this evening, tomorrow and on the weekend. I've never been to one of these before but am looking forward to hearing speakers. It will be total immersion for me.

I've downloaded a lot of the speakers from Sobercasting.org (thanks Irish for that link) and have been listening to them on my IPod as I make the drive to and from my work. Some of them are excellent and have incredibly compelling stories. I've found myself very absorbed with not only the humor but the terrific pain that is expressed. Every one has had a terrific message that has made me feel as well as think. The feelings that well up are powerful, and I find myself so grateful to be part of a program that has helped me grow spiritually and emotionally.

I'm planning to provide information about some of the topics discussed and the stories told. I'm not exactly sure when I'll get these posted because the sessions run really late. I don't think that I've ever been to a conference where a speaker comes on at 10:30. Anyway, maybe they are saving the best until last.

Last night, I thought a lot about my own newness to my program. Before I could even realize what was happening, I was tripping down memory lane and into the black hole of self-pity. I once again felt unloved, uncertain, and filled with the desire to just run away. Give it all up and go live on a boat and sail to some other place. Then I remembered that all the same baggage would be right there dragged along with me. I'd still be taking me along. So, I got busy with moving my mind onto something besides my self-flagellation, got out on the water and met up with some buddies from the rowing club, and then went home to do some work around the house. I also got a good night's sleep which really helps. This morning I feel much better and out of the dark place. I'm learning ways to get myself out of the hole when I fall in. Last year, at this time, I would have been lost.

When I find myself rethinking old behaviors or erecting those barriers that I built to protect the character defects that made me feel comfortable, I'm in trouble. By taking my own personal inventory, I can work to get myself out of the hole.

Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it.

False Pride and Ego

The young fellow that I took to the AA meetings a few times got a job yesterday. It isn't a high paying job for a college student, but it is above minimum wage and provides an unbelievable amount of self-esteem to someone who seemed to not have much. I'm grateful that he took the initiative to get a resume together, go through the paper, make phone calls, dress up, and show up for interviews. He is attending AA meetings and has gotten a sponsor.

There was an Al-Anon and an AA meeting at the same church last night. He attended the AA and I went over to the Al-Anon meeting. I wrote a bit last week about starting a "meeting after the meeting" so last night there were six people that came along, including a fellow from AA. The newcomer whom I gave a ride to also came along to the meeting after the meeting last night, albeit reluctantly. He is still so early in the program that the feelings are right at the surface and very raw. He made a comment to me as we were driving to the restaurant that he didn't feel like listening to a bunch of Al-Anons and just wanted to go home.

That felt bad to me. I see the value in both programs. It's easy to have ego and false pride do the talking without first thinking about the unifying principles of the two programs and being grateful for both of them. There are several long time AA members who have joined Al-Anon and have found it to be quite helpful with living life.

What I am trying to reason out is what the different impacts of ego are in the programs. I've thought about what the Big Book says about self-centeredness:

"Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." from Alcoholics Anonymous.

It seems that the opposite occurs with Al-Anon in which the ego becomes so deflated that we have to find it again. My ego got flattened a while ago and I was so eager to feel better that I would have done just about anything to reconstitute some semblance of self esteem. The defects of character mentioned in the paragraph above were the same ones that brought me to my lowest point. Since then, I'm learning from using all the sources available to me that I have a lot to offer. The ego-rebuilding process is on-going. It can still be shaken by harsh words and criticism that bring back the old fears but it's a lot stronger than it was. That's a lot to be grateful for.

Shame me twice

In my Fourth Step, I've been writing about shame using the Blueprint book of Al-Anon. This is a topic that dredges up a lot of stuff from the past. I've felt a lot of shame for various things in my life.

The childhood shame didn't occur until I was old enough to know that my father drank on weekends. I was a happy kid and enjoyed playing but was always anxious when my father was home. He worked a lot so it was the days off that would cause me the most trouble. I also heard so much about how great our family was and how we were better than everyone else, that I began to feel shame because I felt worse than everyone else. I didn't feel good about myself and became withdrawn around others. I would avoid everyone as much as I could and mostly read a lot or played in the woods.

When I got to high school, I made good grades but never felt really like I was part of anything. I guess that I actually didn't want to be part of anything much because to do so would make me very vulnerable. I had friends that I hung with but it was a closed group. I remember going to some drinking parties and got slapped in the face at one of them. Acting out to get attention brought me a lot of shame.

College was where I could be anonymous. No one knew me or my family. I still took me with me to college but I could hide it a little better. I studied hard and played hard. I learned there that I could be in an entire room of people and still be alone. It bothered me some but I just figured that was what my life would be. Because I excelled at my classes, I didn't feel so much shame. I was good at something and knew it.

The years of graduate school were also okay. I did well, published a bunch of papers, got my career going and got married. I learned that the marriage was rocky right from the start. I have felt a lot of shame from things that happened in social situations in which my spouse would act out after drinking. I couldn't relax in social situations and never knew when the demon created by alcohol would arise. Suffice to say, there was a lot of anger in me, and I was ashamed of how I tried to control and manipulate an insane situation.

I also have felt ashamed at how I felt betrayed by my mother's mental illness. She suffered severe depression later in life and had to have hundreds of ECT treatments. She was a wonderful person but was always in a state of denial. Being the only child, I had to care for her by getting her admitted to hospitals, taking her for outpatient therapy, moving her after my father died, and a host of other things that sucked my time and energy. I knew that she had a disease, but I just wanted it to stop and for her to be well again. My frustration at her was inexcusable and something that I have felt ashamed over.

The shame that I carry from the past that affects my feelings today is that I didn't do something sooner. I wished that I had gotten help long ago. I still think about the embarrassing episodes that occurred at parties. I am ashamed that I was so lost. I felt so much anger that it was hard to be nice to those that I loved the most.

What I've learned in Step Four is that I have had shameful feelings, but I can't change the past. The concepts of powerlessness and unmanageability help me to confront the shameful feelings that I have. I know what happened but that part of my life is over. I now have more manageable emotions. I can now detach when I don't feel good about what is happening. I know that neither the alcoholism or depression were things that I could control. I am trying to take care of myself and think about the good things that I do. I'm learning that I don't need to earn the right to be loved and that I have a lot of really good qualities that make me lovable. I also am willing to grow in this program and be taught. I no longer feel ashamed of me.

Acceptance

I was listening to a couple of birthday sharings last night at the meeting. One person spoke about wanting to experience unconditional love, yet she didn't know how to do that. She said that she was blocked by fear. Her husband is currently not in AA but has slipped and is actively drinking. She was in a lot of pain as she talked about how she felt defeated.

It reminded me of how hard it is to have a brain dump of all the stinking thinking that qualifies us to be in this program. I've talked about my "qualifier" but really we are our own qualifiers because it's the stuff that is running around in the grey matter that qualifies us to be here. That's something that I need to remember because when I feel good and start thinking that I can handle things, then I'm opening myself up to take a slide back into the old way of thinking that made me crazy.

The alcoholic and I aren't that different. I just chose not to drink but have fears, worries, anxiety, resentments and all the other stuff that makes life hard to live. Thankfully, since being in Al-Anon, I'm learning acceptance is a much better path to go down than controlling and denying. I feel acceptance that my past existence was warped. I've found something new that's enabled me to let go of the past a little more each day. I've come to accept that I'm not in a model relationship nor ever will be. If I continue to work the program, I can only get better which is all that I can control. I've come to accept my shortcomings and through awareness am working to not hold onto them forever.

Being in the program and accepting who I am has opened up a lot of possibilities. They seem exciting to me now and not nearly as daunting as they were when I first started with Al-Anon. The pieces of the puzzle that is me are starting to fit without forcing. It's a big damn puzzle though and I'm not sure that all the pieces will ever fit together to form a beautiful scene but I'm okay with that. Now If I can just get all those cloud pieces figured out.....

Humility

Today, I'm waking up to a crisp Easter morning. There's a lot of sunshine and the wind has calmed down from yesterday's stiff breeze. Looking at the water and waves reminds me of my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things. I guess that I'm feeling particularly humble and grateful today.

I've read that humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less. It is letting go of the pretenses and defenses that have been put in place. I was a master at putting on a brave face. Even if I felt like crap, I would pretend to be strong and okay. What I've learned is that I want to be real and to hide nothing, neither the good nor the bad. I'm willing to acknowledge that there are many things that I need to learn and that I have many miles yet to go. I'm grateful to be on the journey.

Mother Theresa obviously knew precisely what humility meant when she said, "If you are humble nothing can touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are."
I hope that each of you has today as one that finds you at peace with yourself.

Thinking about a resurrection

I've never thought much about the true deep significance of Easter. I know the biblical story and have participated in church services for many years but it always seemed to be a fantastic story to me. I just couldn't relate to the idea of resurrection because I was thinking in my scientific mind about how this could occur. What I was doing was missing the entire point.

Now after being in Al-Anon for 8 months, Easter feels very different to me. It signifies an awakening, new life, wonderment, and hope. It's as if a stone has been rolled away from my heart and I'm experiencing a resurrection of my own spirit.

Last night, I went to an AA meeting where the topic was fear. Everyone there expressed fear about relationships, drinking, self-worth and new directions. I was reminded once again that if we just give our fears over to our Higher Power, things will be manageable. It seems that struggling to cope with the complexities of life remain too much for many of us. That's why having a belief that things will be better if we Let Go and Let God is important. I'm still not a religious person but I've come to know a spirituality that provides a lot of comfort. If I hadn't found this program, I'd still be walking around as a shell of a person, letting anger, resentment, and fear rule my life. I still have a long way to go but today I see the promise of a new life and a new way of thinking. I'm very grateful to this program, my sponsor, and those who have been on this journey of recovery with me.

"Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough.

All of us need something to cling to with absolute confidence. If I have been disillusioned by disappointments, or have been let down by someone I trusted, it makes me feel as though I were alone and vulnerable in a hostile world.

I will not deprive myself of God's help and guidance.......Confidence and dignity are restored to us by the knowledge that we are God's children." From One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

What work means

I haven't got anything special weighing on my mind today. I was thinking back over yesterday. I had a good day at work. The workshop that I hosted went well and everyone seemed to have a good time. It wasn't a big deal since it didn't involve but about 15 people, but when you see people be enthusiastic about something that you've done, it feels good. I also received a special thank you from one of my staff telling me what a good supervisor I was. That was also nice. I think that I have the best staff around. They are highly competent, motivated, nice people. I don't have to worry about the work that they do which is great because I never liked to micro-manage. I spent enough time on controlling drinking at home so it was easy to let things just move along on their own at work.

As I start to think about the years ahead, it is with a tinge of sadness that a career that I have so loved will be coming to a close. I've devoted years in graduate school and my entire working life to this profession. It's been a really good time overall. I still have a number of exciting projects yet to complete and others that are coming up this year, so I have a lot to look forward to. I do miss some of my colleagues who have left or are leaving. Some have retired and others have moved on to take positions elsewhere. One of the big carrots that gets held before your nose is whether you want to assume an administrative position. I've never had any desire to climb upwards in administration. It just isn't my idea of a fun time to do strategic plans, vision statements, budget projections, and all the other bureaucratic stuff. My focus remains fairly pure. I'm glad that my colleagues are making a decision to their liking. It just isn't an enticement to me. More money doesn't equal more happiness.

Work has meant more than just a paycheck to me. It's been a real journey and I've seen some fantastic things that few people will ever get to see. For that, I'm most grateful.

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." Sam Ewing

Responsibility

hAApy hAAlf nAAked Thursday

For the past few months I've noticed that things that used to matter a great deal to me no longer seem important. I've stepped way back on responsibility around the house. I used to be such a fanatic about everything but now it seems that none of the old stuff matters. My sponsor tells me that I have responsibility ingrained in me but that at the current point in my life, I'm learning to have fun again and feel free.

Unfortunately, I've probably not been keeping up with things as I used to and have seen that a shift has occurred between the duties that I assume and that of my spouse. Last night we discussed that at length. She senses that I want to get away from the pressures and confinement of the home. She's right about that. I don't want to work in the yard every Saturday or run household errands in my free time. Instead, I want to have time to think and have started liking being by myself and comfortable with myself more and more. I'm beginning to realize that I'm really an okay person. These are positive steps for me.

At the same time, if I'm going to be a partner in the marriage, then I need to step up and do my part. We're at different places in our recovery which makes things more difficult. I'm working the steps and she hasn't begun yet. I'm feeling as if a load has been lifted from me, and she still feels depressed and absorbed with the past. These aren't bad things just an indication of differences in where we are in our respective programs. Last night, we decided that clearer communication would help. So we agreed to tell each other when the balance has swung too far to one side or the other. If I'm not doing enough, then I need to be reminded. If I'm feeling too controlled then I need to remind her. I think that it's a good compromise and one that will keep us both from feeling resentment.

"At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore." from Alcoholics Anonymous

Meeting after the meeting

Prior to going to the Al-Anon meeting last night, I went for a walk on the beach and was thinking about how solitary I was feeling. It wasn't exactly self-pity, but it was getting there. I pulled myself out of that slippery slope by thinking about the sunset and how nice it was to be on a virtually deserted beach, yet not alone at all with the evidence of so much natural life surrounding me.

So I went to the meeting and the topic was expectations. The sharing was good and I got a lot out of the meeting. There was a newcomer sitting next to me who seemed very glad to be at the meeting and shared her thoughts on the topic. A person from one of the other Al-Anon meetings that I attend was also there and seemed glad to see me. And there was a fellow who I can identify with because his wife is an active alcoholic. He shared that he would be going home to a drunk and that he really didn't have much to look forward to. So, after the meeting, I did something that I've wanted to do for a while. I asked several individuals standing around if they wanted to go to a nearby restaurant and have coffee.

Surprisingly, the newcomer, the fellow with the alcoholic wife, and the regular from the other meeting I attend jumped at the chance. Several others said that they thought that it was a great idea and would do it next week. I've always thought that the Al-Anon folks are much less social than the AA gang. After an Al-Anon meeting, things clear out quickly while the AA's stand around, talk, drink coffee, or go out to eat. I've always heard that the Meeting after the Meeting can be a great opportunity to get to know people, share if you want, and just have a good time in a social setting. Everyone seemed to enjoy the get together and the newcomer seemed so pleased to be asked. She said that it made her feel welcomed.

I think that this first step at being sociable worked well. Who knows, maybe we'll have another Meeting after the Meeting next week.

Letting some one else be my Higher Power

My sponsor and I talked about guilt last night. It seems that I have an over abundance of that, even when I've nothing to feel guilty about. I have gotten better since being in the program but the guilt beast is still lurking in me, ready to challenge peace and happiness at a moment's notice.

Another big thing for me is self-criticism. So if someone finds out that I am harsh on myself or have that streak of integrity that means I want to do the "right" thing, then it's likely that I will cough up what ever it is you're after. I know that I've caved in and acquiesced when I'm criticized. Usually when that happens then I'm left with guilt, self-loathing and resentment. It doesn't make for a pleasant day when the chain gets yanked and your toilet is flushed.

So, what kind of scenario sets this up in my head? Well, work used to do it to me. I would take on way more things than I could handle because I thought that it was expected of me. I had to be the one to get it all done and have it be the best. I would spend nights and weekends getting these extra projects done. For what??? What generally happens is that more work is piled on because everyone then knows that you're the sucker whose willing to take it all without complaining. Yet, in my head I was screaming with resentment and anger.

So, what I've learned is to not let work or anyone else be my Higher Power. I can say No with only a twinge of guilt or sometimes none at all. I don't take on extra work anymore, and I don't volunteer for any "atta boy" crap at work. I keep my free time open and I keep my nights and weekends sacred.

Letting someone or something else be my Higher Power means that I am letting someone else control my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. What I need to remember is that I'm not responsible for what occurs to others, nor can I control what others think of me. I don't have to be involved in the problems and choices of others. Instead I am learning to concentrate on my own life and personal growth. I have to turn things that are beyond my control over to my HP and just let go of my compulsions.

Wishing that I were else where today

You and me
Sittin' in the back of my memory
Like a honey bee
Buzzin' 'round a glass of sweet Chablis
Radio's on
Windows rolled up
And my mind's rolled down
Headlights shining
Like silver moons
Rollin' on the ground

We made love
In every way love can be made
And we made time
Look like time
Could never fade
Friday Night
We both made the guitar hum
Saturday made Sunday feel
Like it would never come

Gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
Gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again

Soul to soul
Heart to heart
And cheek to cheek
Come on baby
Give me a kiss
That'll last all week

The thought of you leavin' again
Brings me down
The promise of
Your sweet love
Brings me around

It's gonna be a long Monday
Sittin' all alone on a mountain
By a river that has no end
It's gonna be a long Monday
Stuck like the tick of a clock
That's come unwound - again
And again

Lyrics by John Prine, Long Monday

It's a Monday for sure with all the Monday attitude as well. I'm looking out my window at the water and wishing that I were on it instead of having to get ready for a conference this week. I had an exhausting weekend both mentally and physically.

On Saturday I asked a friend to meet me in the afternoon to listen to a local band and look at some boats. This is a person with whom I've enjoyed a close friendship before going into the program. After finding out that I was going to Al-Anon and that my priorities were shifting, there has been much less comraderie between us. I feel a palpable distance now. At first, I thought maybe there was some judgment thrown in but decided that may be my projection.

What I decided to accept is that it isn't my problem. I've been honest and open about the home situation and made an effort to keep the friendship going. If it isn't going any further, then that's okay. I can't control that. I examined my feelings and think that whatever is going on is with the other person who appears none too happy at the moment and is obsessed with work. I'm in a different place which is where I need to be now.

On Sunday night, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and heard an anniversary story by one of the ladies in the group. She's had 13 years in the program and is doing well. Although I could identify with some of what she said, I felt that I needed to hear something different last night. I told my sponsor this morning that I probably needed the rougher edges of the AA group last night. Maybe because I was in a rough place myself or I just needed something to smack me in the face with a different dose of reality.

I got the uncomfortable feeling once again that this particular Al-Anon meeting is dominated by one person. Most of the people at this meeting are sponsored by the same person. I've voiced concerns about the controlling behavior before in blog posts and last night it was there again. I know from Step Four that I have a problem with controlling and being controlled. So I just listened and was thankful that the program has helped me to recognize how I used to control and how I need to be aware of that shortcoming. It still feels bad to me when I see control in action; however, I'm glad to be able to talk to my sponsor about it and let it go. I'm looking forward to more Step Four work tonight and my home group meeting afterwards.

I'm hoping a good workout at the gym during lunch will boost my energy for the afternoon work.

My sponsor

When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I met a lot of people who were welcoming and kind. I listened but didn't understand what I was hearing. I was told to "Keep coming back" which I did. At the next meeting, I met the person B. who became my sponsor. It was one of those moments of clarity that I've had throughout my life when I sense a kindred spirit and someone with whom I feel comfortable.

Anyway, as I attended more and more meetings, I learned that most of the people attending were all sponsored by one person. Although I had originally been approached by this person about being sponsored, I didn't feel the level of comfort that I did with B. Instead what I observed was a great deal of control being exerted in spite of the wisdom and experience that was obviously present.

I made a decision (and jumped) to ask B. to be my sponsor. I followed my gut feeling and found an individual who I can talk to about anything, who isn't judgmental, who is working with me on the steps, and who has years in the program. I am also pleased to call this person my friend.

Having a sponsor is critical in my opinion. I've been to meetings in which there are people who have been four years or more in the program and don't have a sponsor. One guy has 16 years in AA and 6 years in Al-Anon and never has worked the steps for either program. Something is obviously working for them. I knew though that I couldn't do this alone or with just going to meetings. I needed some guidance from another Al-Anon person. I think that my HP put me in the presence of someone on this earth who was just the person that I needed.

I have made calls to B. when things seemed unbearable. I've made calls just to share something good. I've made calls to ask questions. I've made calls because I wanted to make sure B. was okay. I appreciate the time that it has taken to work with me. I've been willing to do what it takes to get peace and serenity. It will always be a work in progress but I know that I have the beginning of a firm foundation because of what B. has shared with me.