Not enough time

I did the best to catch up on things today at work. It seemed like a hopeless task. Luckily for having email on the ship, I was able to get most things handled through that. I'm leaving to get on the ship tomorrow so it was a repeat drill of last time, just trying to get with staff and go over things.

The best part of the day was catching the noon meeting. The topic was willingness. It was a good one and there was a lot of good sharing. As someone said, "I don't have evidence for whether there really is a God. Maybe at the end I'll find out, but I don't really care. I know what I believe now and that's all that matters."

Caring for myself

It's been great to spend a few days at home. I went into work today and caught up on things there. All was going well until my office computer crashed. I talked to the IT folks and they are ordering me a new one to be installed while I'm at sea. Things like this used to make me go into a frenzy but now I can just shrug and say that it was a good time to have it crash, since I won't be around.

The meeting tonight was good, but I have to say that it brought up some past issues. The topic was how to love yourself. There were a lot of people sharing about how they never had any time to love themselves or take care of themselves because they were always taking care of others. There were some people who mentioned having no money with which to take care of themselves. Someone shared that she didn't know what it meant to love herself, and if someone would just give her a set of instructions, she could follow that and understand how to take care of herself.

My thoughts were that to all outward appearances, I had taken good care of myself. I had projects, a good career, hobbies, and lots of activities that I enjoyed. However, I also thought that a lot of my activities in the past were related to a need to validate myself through my accomplishments in order to get approval by others. My relationships were also those in which I molded myself to what others wanted me to be (the chameleon syndrome). Now I think that through my program, I've learned that I'm a pretty neat person and that I can enjoy being who I am. I'm also learning that criticism and angry outbursts from those that I love may have nothing to do with me. By taking my own inventory and asking whether I did anything to bring on an angry outburst, I can determine whether I need to offer an apology or just keep quiet ("Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut"). What I'm finding is that I don't alway have a role to play in someone else's script. It's their issue and not mine that brings forth anger most of the time. I'm now willing to own something that I do have a part in, but no longer will I try to smooth things over when I'm not even a bit player.

I'm glad that I have this program. I'm thankful for my meetings and the thoughts that all of you express as you progress with your own program.

Memorial Day at home

I had a happy home coming. My SO was glad to see me and we spent time catching up on a lot of things. It seems nice to come home and find her happy. She's managed to do so much while I was gone as well as work her job. She said that it kept her busy and productive. I can see that there is much more peace and serenity with her at this time. She's been going to meetings, which is something that I'm going to do tomorrow. I plan to go to the evening Al-Anon and then a noon AA meeting on Wednesday. I doubt that I'll have much time for one on Thursday as I head back to the ship that afternoon to get ready for another 11 day cruise starting Friday morning.

All around the town today there were flags flying and lots of happy people enjoying this holiday. I can remember going with my father and my uncle to the Memorial Day ceremony in my home town. If I remember right, the veterans wore poppies on their coats. This probably isn't done anymore but it seemed significant at the time. Here's hoping that regardless of our political persuasion, there can be remembrance of those who gave their lives for what they believed in. I'm also hoping that there will be a day when there won't be any more names added to the lists of those who were killed in action.

Today I'm grateful for :
1. Being home and having a home to go to
2. Having people who love me and care about me.
3. Having a couple of meetings to go to this week
4. Those who gave their lives for something that they believed in
5. A Higher Power who guides me along my path to serenity
6. Having lived a full life with all of its ups and downs, yet still feeling alive and reasonably happy.

I hope to catch up on everyone's blogs tomorrow. There just hasn't been enough time in the last couple of days to check what you have been up to.

Final stop

We got into port where the ship will be until we head back out on Friday morning. We docked at a port authority where there was about a mile to walk to get to the gate that let you out onto the main thoroughfare. One of the deck crew and I trudged along with the idea that we didn't want to party in this port but wanted to get home. We were going to take a cab to the airport where we would get a rental car and drive the 2.5 hours to get home. This part of town wasn't exactly where lots of taxis went though as it was a rough area with a lot of strip clubs and convenience stores with bars on the windows.

Just as we got to the gate, one of the electronics technicians who had literally missed the boat in Miami drove up. He had been out partying the night before, was still drunk the next morning, and didn't wake up to the alarm. He never made it to the ship in time. Anyway, he offered to give us a ride to the airport. We were grateful to say the least.

Luckily, there were cars to be rented at that late hour, so we got one and headed home. I walked in the door just a few minutes before midnight. I guess that the HP was looking over us because we made it out of that other port to the home port. I'm grateful for that.

Finished up and heading home

We threw off the lines and headed out of Miami this morning. The final stations were completed off of Palm Beach, and we are now headed home. It was good to have completed the work and hearing the ship's horn blast to indicate that we were done. It's been a good trip and a good group of people to work with.

There has always been something a bit sad for me about completing work and packing up. We start the project with such a lot of enthusiasm to be going out and then we pack everything up, eager to move on. One of the engineers on the ship offloaded all of his gear as he is heading to another job on land in Mass. He seemed happy enough to be leaving but for me, such changes always come with a sense of sadness. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I think about all the people that I've met in life and that I won't likely cross paths with many of them again. It's not that I'm attached to them necessarily but it is just this feeling that we move in and out of people's lives with such ease. I've caught myself sometimes thinking about someone that I haven't seen for a decade or more and wondering how they are doing. I also wonder do they ever think about me.

Maybe what happens is we are always looking forward with anticipation while the things that we need are right there in front of us. It's the "grass is greener" philosophy. I'm finding that a lot of what I really treasure is with me at all times, in my heart and in my soul.

Interesting time in port

It was an interesting in port. Miami is a surreal place but to be at the Port Authority and watch the mammoth cruise ships come in was even more surreal. We docked around 11 PM on Thursday. During the night the Majestic came in so when I went out on deck in the morning, there is was. Some of us got off the ship after we docked to walk around for a bit. It was nice to be on terra firma.

Tonight was interesting as it was our first full day in port. There were quite a few of the scientific staff who were feeling no pain when they arrived on the ship. One of the ladies had to be carried back on board. Seeing the scientist being hauled on board made me think how glad I am that I'm not having to be around that level of drunkeness anymore. I won't wax philosophical about how drinking changes the personality or any of that since you already are well aware of that.

I had gone out to walk around during the morning but was back on board to talk to the crew and get a full tour of the engine room and rope lockers in the evening. I was really impressed with the below deck engine area. It was totally spotless and highly organized. Anyway, we are getting underway in the morning. I would rather have just kept our rhythm of sampling and not had to stop. That way we would have gotten home a couple of days early. Soon, soon....

In port Miami

Because we have gotten all stations done except for two north of Miami, the captain has decided to make a port call there. We will be there in a few hours and then head out on Saturday morning. I wish that we were going to finish up the two stations and just head back home rather than make the port call.

It's been a bit rough today but the temperature is delightful. The breeze has kept the deck comfortable which is good. I haven't seen the little bird that's on board but assume that it has hunkered down during the blow.

I imagine that it will be awkward to step on land. I generally still rock and sway, feeling almost "landsick" once I get off the ship. Anyway, it will be interesting to hear more from the crew regarding their reaction to the port call.

Today I was mulling over the type of life that career mariners must have. My uncle spent 50 years at sea. He left home at 15 and hawespiped his way up to Captain. He commanded quite a few cruise ships back when the US had a good run from New York to Rio de Janiero and Buenos Aires. He was at sea when his wife was notified that their only son had been killed in France during WWII. I can only imagine that heartbreak for her and for him. I have her diary and have read the pages of despair. I think that she was forever different after her son was killed.

This isn't a life for those who want to have all the "normalcy" of life. I'm not sure what type of person decides to make this a career but it has always been touted as one for mavericks and scallywags. The career mariner definitely finds something very compelling about the job. I find it a good escape but then I know that I can go home to my own job.

One of the old timers on here is retiring and told me that he just wants to be land bound when he gets off this ship. He has been at sea for 30 plus years. He said that he's seen all kinds of fantastic things but without anyone there to share them with, it was just a job. I heard him loud and clear. That seems to be the case with most things in life--without sharing it with someone some of the great moments seem tepid.

No port call today

Because the seas are building to 8-10 feet, we are going to move to another location to see if we can get in the lee and get samples done. There is a large front off the east coast and it's causing some rough weather here. With the gear swinging back and forth on the deck when we deploy off the J frame, it makes things a bit dicey for being able to work. Anyway, there may be a port call in Miami on Friday but whether or not we can get all the stations done will be the deciding factor.

It's okay with me although I was hoping for a lobster dinner. There is also a scientist on board who looks like Hemingway and we were telling him that he would have aced the Hemingway lookalike contest. Guess we'll have to save that for a later date.

It's a good feeling to be nestled in my bunk after a long watch and hear the waves slamming against the hull. For some reason, the rocking and the waves lull me. After breakfast this morning, I sat on the 01 deck and watched the wild seas. Beautiful, chaotic and violent--quite contradictory in so many ways.

The little wren on board is save and living under one of the rescue boats. I don't imagine the little bird is venturing forth in the fresh breeze that's blowing.

Yesterday we were off Loggerhead Key and Fort Jefferson in the Tortugas. There was a rain shower and I got some beautiful photos of the sun rays coming through the clouds with the rain shower underneath. It reminds me of how our lives are: some rain but always that bright ray of hope that shines through. I'm happy and content. Life today is very good.

New Day

At the end of the day yesterday, I was very tired. It had been a long shift with lots of samples to process. Everyone was beat when midnight came around. The seas aren't too bad, just enough to make taking a shower not so easy. We are moving in closer to Tortugas Ecological Reserve so hopefully the seas will subside a bit.

Today has been slow with a 3 and a half hour steam to the station. We did have some fun with putting together a post card from the field. We all stood under the A frame on the stern with our sampling gear and the sea behind us and got our group photo taken for submission to a NOAA publication. The CO was taking the photos by standing on one of the deck tables.

Everyone seems to be in good spirits with the idea of getting into Key West. I liked dAAve's comment on port call = bar call. It will have to be a short bar call because the at sea watch bill is standing for the duration of our time in Key West. I want to get a dinner off the ship and maybe walk around for a while to take some photos. Other than that, I have no plans that include any bars. It would be nice to be able to get in a meeting while there but I'm not sure that will happen. I'm going to check to see if there is one within walking distance of where we dock. Thankfully, I feel better today and after getting a good night's sleep have a happy outlook on the day.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. Not getting sea sick and being able to get my work done
2. Taking a hot shower
3. Being able to laugh at the antics of the crew and scientists in good humor
4. Seeing a little bird that lives on the ship flying about
5. Hearing from my blogging friends who have touched my life
6. Knowing that I don't have to spend my life out here, and that to go to sea is a choice for me
7. Being able to tie some of the more complex knots in the dark

Hope that everyone is having a reasonable day and that you find something to make you smile even in the most trying of circumstances.

Life at home

I've heard from my SO every day which has been very nice. I think that it helps to get away for a bit and think over things. I have found myself wishing that I could talk to her and put my arms around her. Even though things aren't necessarily at their peak right now, when there's a lot of history in a relationship, it means something regardless of the past. It means that we are friends and have been a touchstone for each other. It also means that there are a lot of feelings wrapped up in the relationship. Thankfully, those feelings are positive right now. I've always respected her and her opinions. They have been fairly given and in spite of the negativism that alcohol can bring into a relationship, she has never held back when I've asked her advice. It will be good to be able to actually talk again rather than just relying on email.

The other news from home came in the form of a distinctly distant email from a friend who I used to do a lot of things with. I had emailed him to tell him what was going on out here. We used to hang out a lot together but when I revealed that things weren't so great at home, we drifted apart. I think that the apartness was partially due to the fact that he had a hard time with the notion that we weren't the perfect couple. Also, there was a lot of judgement about my thoughts on continuing the marriage in its current state. Without going into a lot of useless detail, let's just say that the email stated that he was surprised to hear from me since he thought that I would want to completely disconnect from land. Anyway, the tone was distant and disinterested. It's okay because I know that things won't be the same between us. I guess that I've continued to include him in on activities but he hasn't with me. Maybe his expectations of me were greater than I could ever fulfill.

I've heard that we are going to make a port call in Key West at 1800 on Wednesday. I think that everyone is looking forward to that. Well, it's blowing 25-30 knots now and seas are expected to build to 8 feet by evening. We are rechecking all our lashings. Thinking of all of you and hoping that this message finds you grateful, peaceful, and filled with hope for the day.

Sunday

Today the doldrums hit with the heat beating down on deck. The seas subsided to a chop and the water looked like oil. It was the first time that I actually felt hot outside. The routine is settling in and it looks like there will be a brief break in which we go into Key West for an overnight and then head out again. I'm not sure when the Key West port call will occur but the crew seems very happy about it.

I've felt restless today, largely because we've had a lot of steaming time between stations. I read and catch up on some paperwork but there really isn't much else to do. I'm not a movie person so I don't want to sit for 2 hours and do that. Maybe it's just being on here and listening to the same stuff. One fellow on here who is an engineer uses F**K for every other word. It gets old after a while. What a short vocabulary and one that loses its effectiveness when that word may really be called for.

My gratitude list today is that I am:
1. Glad to have more words on my tongue than a curse word
2. Happy to have a home to go back to when I get off the ship
3. Grateful for receiving emails from blogger friends and loved ones at home
4. Looking forward to a good night's sleep when the shift is over
5. Reading a good book that helps to pass the hours steaming
6. Thankful for being physically fit and able to do my work
7. Loving every moment that the day has to offer, since even the bad ones teach me something

Daily routiine

I thought that I would tell you about the daily routine on here. Firstly, we are in the Gulf of Mexico (dAAve's old stomping grounds) sampling down the coast of Florida and heading for the Keys and the Tortugas eventually. My work day starts at 12 noon, but I'm generally up by 10:30 to take a shower and get ready for the day. When I come on watch, there might be a steam to the next station or sometimes, I'm right in the middle of getting one. We sample the water column and also take sediment for analysis. After doing all of that and processing the samples, we get to fish. The fish are being worked up for contaminants so it is part of the work being done. However, it is a lot of fun. I've caught several red grouper and had fish on both hooks. Fishing is really only good during the day as the sharks move in at night.

Anyway, lunch is from 11:30-12:30 and dinner from 4:30-5:30 PM. My work day ends at midnight and I'm generally ready to hit the rack after the shift. I get up around 7:30 to get some breakfast and then go back to bed to get another short nap before my next shift. It's all very regimented and works smoothly.

I've talked to a lot of the crew and most everyone has some kind of bitching and moaning about the ship, the officers or other people on board. I guess that it's part of being confined for any length of time with the same people. I'm not a negative person so I always see things on the positive side (at least most of the time). There are a lot of cynics among the crew, yet I find their thoughts to be intriguing. It's an interesting and eccentric group. I'm sure that dAAve has lots of stories from his days on the oil supply boats.

I hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying the weekend. I'm enjoying mine. Thinking of you all.

Thinking about all of you

I've been trying to read as many of your blogs as I can. I get through a few each day. Today I read several that talked about troubles with children. I hate the damn disease. It has always seemed so unfair that good people have to deal with something that takes those that they love away, either physically or mentally. There is nothing that can be done though until either the loved one comes to their senses or we come to ours. If I had a wish to be granted, it would be for all to live with peaceful comfort knowing that all the ones that we love are in the hands of the HP, as are we.

Things are going okay for me. I'm away from the things that make my life complex and insane. I just get up, work for 12 hours, and then read or talk with people on board. It's a much less complex life out here. I think that there are so many things that interrupt us and come at us in all directions when we are in the usual universe of our lives. I'm in a reduced universe right now and like it. But it isn't real and I'll have to get back to the rat race soon enough. Until then, I'll savor as much of this as I can. Life on 157 feet of ship narrows down the options.

The show early this morning

After we were done with work at midnight, the ship slowed and basically we were just adrift. The captain put on all the night lights focusing on the water. It wasn't long before there were flying fish jumping through the air and squid swimming all around the ship. These critters were then chased by an entire pod of bottle-nosed dolphins. They were leaping out of the water and chasing the flying fish. It was quite a spectacular show.

Seeing something like that makes all the tiredness leave you. It is so exciting to see something like that. I've always been mystified by critters attracked to the lights at night. Moths are attracted to lights and these oceanic organisms were in the spotlight as well. Tonight we might try doing some dipnetting to see what we can collect over the side.

Hope that everyone is enjoying their hAAlf nAAked Thursday.

Underway

I left port this morning and we are already out in the Gulf of Mexico. It has been smooth so far. Everyone is getting to know each other and we are beginning to work as a team. Completion of our first station went well. I've gotten emails from several of you but haven't had a chance to reply back yet. It has been a busy day.

I'm thinking about how unreal life is out here. It's like being at the office only everything is done at sea. There is the surrounding beauty of the ocean but there isn't much time to really soak it in because of working out the details and staying busy with what we have to do. I'm sure that will get better as our operation here becomes smoother.

Hope that all of you are doing well.

Loading gear

Today is going to be a bit of a frenzy since all the rest of the scientists will be arriving and all the gear will have to be loaded on the ship. A U-Haul truck is bringing the big stuff such as carboys of ethanol, sampling gear, lots of jars and microscopes and other miscellaneous things that will be used during the cruise. I've got get some bait to be used for catching fish from which tissue will be extracted for contaminant analysis. I'm not sure how fishing will get fit in during the 12 hour shifts that we do. My guess is that we'll have to get all the priority work done first and then if there is time to collect fish samples, that will happen. I'm thankful to be working the 12 noon to 12 midnight shift.

Not much else to write about so far. It's already hot and steamy. People are trying to get things ready and the familiar smell of the ship takes me back to last year when I was on here. I'm in the Chief Scientist quarters which is nice, although a bit small and cramped. I'm sure that it will get even smaller after two weeks.

My section of the desk is filled with my journal, Al-Anon and AA books, and my books on decorative and practical knots. It will be relaxing to do some knots and make some decorative things like turks heads for some of the crew. It's good therapy and very calming work.

Thanks for all your kind comments. I miss my blogger buddies.

Arriving

I made it to the ship yesterday without any problems. It was a smooth drive, and I got all my gear on board. I met up with an old friend tonight for dinner. It was good to sit and talk about what's been going on in our lives and to reconnect after several months. He's been in AA for many years and is a good guy. He still has a degree of worry though that no longer plagues me like it used to. Now I just figure that all will be okay as long as I trust in my HP.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Making it to the ship after a long drive
• Knowing that the dogs are okay and that the old girl who is sick is still holding her own
• Feeling content and peaceful
• the fact that stress isn't something that owns me any more
• my sponsor getting home after a long road trip
• having friends around the world who write, read and care
• having an interesting life that still has many promises yet to be fulfilled

I'll be writing more on this continuing saga.

Thoughts for Mothers

I remember all those Mother's Days when I would get up early and put cards out and pick some flowers from the yard for my mother. The cards were the ones that I had made, with stiff paper and colored with crayons. Later on, I bought cards, but they never seemed to have the same significance for me as those early ones that I made. The flowers could be anything from what was growing, usually tulips, daffodils, and irises, to some wild flowers. My mother would always act surprised and happy. She kept all those cards, and I found them among her personal affects after her death.

Because Mother's Day was always on a Sunday, we would go to church. Mother always wore a red rose signifying that her mother was still living. I don't know if this is still a tradition in the South or not anymore, but it seemed a little sad to me since there were others, such as my grandmother, who had pale roses indicating that their mother had died.  I can remember hoping that my mother would never die.

So today I'm wishing for all the mothers that there is some happiness in knowing that you are loved. Inside the core of every child, there is a bond with the one who gave us life, no matter what the actions or words of the child may be. I hope that you enjoyed your day, did something good for yourself, and realized that you are a very special person.

Ships in the night

I talked with my sponsor B. yesterday and found out that he won't be arriving back into town until sometime later on Sunday. I leave to catch the ship in Tampa early on Monday so it looks as if we'll not get to meet face to face before I leave.

I'm glad that he's coming home as it's been a long 3 week trip to see people, places and things. B. is tired of being on the road now and just wants to get back to the usual routine. In his own words to me: " ...placed silk sweet peas on my Mom's spot in a mausoleum, which was nearby to my Godmother's site (a very special person in my younger years)...... It was a very tearful, joyful, sad, mixed emotion time for me, as I realize that I may never pass that way again. This prompted me to take one final look at my Dad's last home (property is sold of course) - and at the plantation where I grew up..... In spite of it having changed...... it was still the basic place, and once again, the memories washed over me. I felt the old times and just drank in the beauty of it all......". It's been a trip of memories from the past and a reunion with family members.

B. isn't sure that there will be another trip due to some health problems. I think that the HP isn't done with B. yet though and that there will be many more years ahead on which to build more memories and to reach out a hand to those of us who need his words of encouragement and support. I am privileged to have B. as my sponsor.

So even though we'll not be able to meet face to face for several weeks, I think that the foundation that B. has helped me to build in my program will carry me through. And my friends, all that you have shared in your writings about your E, S, and H will also be with me. Those are things that distance can't take away. We won't ever just be ships in the night that pass and then move on.

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence. "
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Lessons

"If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson." Robert Burney

In writing the sex relations part of my Fourth Step, I started thinking back over the past romantic relationships. I've been thinking since I wrote the names down and what I did and what harms I caused, that many of those relationships were just part of the lessons in life. I wanted to find out what it was like to be with someone and to share things with them. I wanted to have sex and experiment with all that entails. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing but it is a lesson and part of the drive that keeps us going. And it is an enormously powerful biological drive.

Tangled up in all of that are expectations both from me and from the other person. Some of those expectations are fueled by the culture that surrounds us. There were the fairy tales that we all knew about with Prince Charming. There was also the music that I listened to that went on and on about love and having a relationship. I may be an AC/DC type of guy but every rocker seems to have love and sex as favorite lyrics. Then there are also all the TV shows and the movies that have couples promising undying love to each other. It's hard not to become obsessed with love and make the person you love your Higher Power.

I know that when I met my SO, I was addicted. It wasn't hard to be and it was as potent as any other addiction. I didn't have a very good foundation from which to learn that making another person your HP wasn't a good idea. Growing up with parents who displayed very little outward affection for each other made me wonder about love and relationships. I never saw my parents kiss or hug each other. I know that they loved each other but it just seemed hard to imagine them having sex. They seemed so disinterested.

So I didn't have much of a foundation from which to understand that the idea of having to have someone else to complete me wasn't real. Now I realize that the romantic notions about relationships was something that I concocted in my search for finding love. Making someone else my HP sets me up for all kinds of expectations that really doom the relationship. I know now that being in a relationship takes work. There are good times and there are times that are very painful and sad. If the painful and sad outweigh the good times though, there is something wrong. There are no guarantees about whether a relationship is going to last either. Sometimes, it just dissolves because people change and move on to some other plane.

I've learned from many relationships, both good and bad, that no other person can be my HP. And I've learned that nothing lasts forever when people are involved. A valuable lesson is to look back at the relationships that didn't last or that weren't good and from that I find out what a good relationship is. These are the lessons that I've learned.

What I do

I really appreciate everyone writing comments and asking about my voyage. I can tell you that I study critters in the ocean. I gave everyone a clue with the Doc Rickett's post. I also have a Merchant Mariners Document as an Ordinary Seaman. One of my adventures some day will be to sail on a schooner as an OS, accumulate enough sea time so that I can apply for an upgrade to Mate and eventually Captain. My family has had a long tradition of seafarers so maybe I'll carry on a bit of that tradition some time in the future.

Anyway, I was interested to know that dAAve worked on an oil exploration ship. That's tough work. I have a great deal of respect for people who make their living on the water. I've talked with a lot of commercial fishermen and it's a tough life for them as well. But there are lots of payoffs too such as being your own boss and having that sense of awe to be on the water.

For all of you who would like to go, I would like to have you along. It would be great to have all the sober bloggers on this cruise because there aren't many in the ship's crew (only one who I know well) who have a clue about AA or Al-Anon. Plus, what a great time we could have with a meeting every day. Even though you may not bodily be there, you'll be with me in spirit which is important.

Anyway, my email is sydlaughs@att.net. I can get email on board the ship so it would be great to hear from you. I have also set up my blog so that I email posts to it so I am going to do that as well. The bad part is that I won't be able to see what each of you wrote unless you want to email that to me. If you do, that's great and I can keep in touch. I'm not sure how with it I'll be after a 12 hour shift, but I'll do what I can.

I am very grateful to have people who are interested in me enough to write that they would miss me. I believe that there are many ways to love people and in my heart, I feel a love for each of you.

And Tab, I'll save up some good hAAlf nAAked photos to post when I get back. If there's enough bandwidth, I may be able to mail them on to be posted. If not, I'll be hAAlf nAAked on every Thursday. I'll look forward to seeing what Meg, Shannon, Irish, dAAve, Judith, JJ, MC, Christine, Scout, S Chick and all the rest of the bloggers post on rings and dings, posies and toesies when I get back.

In the meanwhile, I have until May 16 when I actually sail. So I'll be posting here up til then and hopefully thereafter.

Close quarters

I'm getting my gear together and starting to think about being in close quarters with a lot of people that I don't know very well. It isn't bugging me so much as making me look forward to seeing how I'll deal with it. Last year when I was on the ship, I hadn't started in my program. This year, I'll be dealing with a lot of people that I am barely acquainted with. Being on the ship and working shifts round the clock can do strange things to your head. I'm working the 12 noon to 12 midnight shift so I'll not have my biological clock as messed up as I thought. Nonetheless, it's hard for the first few days until you get used to the motion of the ship and the long hours. Generally after a few days onboard, time becomes irrelevant as does the day of the week.

Working together in such close quarters requires team work, but it is also exhausting mentally and physically. I've got my trusty IPod filled with files from Sobercasting.org as well as my books. If nothing else, I can have my own meeting with a party of one to keep my spiritual side from sliding. I have to say that one of the greatest things about being at sea is the simplicity of it all. You're on a schedule, there are no phones, email comes twice a day, and you're surrounded by some of the most beautiful and wild scenery that the HP put for us to enjoy. It's life without a lot of extraneous "noise". Challenging but also thrilling.

The frenzy of leaving

I sent around an email yesterday telling staff what my schedule was for the rest of May and June. It involves my being gone to sea for much of that time, something that I really like but obviously something that struck a chord with others. Not long after my email went out, there were phone calls and knocks on my office door. There was a lot of discussion about other work projects and getting those done. One of my staff S. seemed put out that I was going to be leaving because the logistics of getting the cruise gear together was going to involve a couple of people that he didn't think could be spared because of another project. Ahhh.... don't you love Mondays when the panic button gets pushed by others and you're expected to join in?

Anyway, after a few more frantic phone calls from S., I could feel the resentment get a hook in me. There it was, like one of those worm creatures from a sci-fi movie, working its way into my brain. I could just feel my good humor and happiness evaporate. All I could think of was the number of workshops, conferences and other cruises that I had approved for staff to attend, while I sat back in the office. Somewhere along the way, the thoughts about "what a bunch of ingrates" took over.

So after having those nasty thoughts for a few minutes, I walked out of my office and outside. I looked over at the water, walked around for a few minutes, said a few words to my HP and then grabbed my stuff, shut my door and left. I listened to a Step Four study on resentment on my IPod as I was driving to the evening meeting. As I concentrated on what was being said, I could feel the anger and resentment leaving. By the time I got to the meeting, I was feeling good again.

I am always amazed at how quickly I can assimilate a resentment, but I am equally amazed at how things I've learned in my program help me to look at what I did to invite the resentment in. I think that I have some guilt over leaving, thinking that it's not okay for me to do something that I enjoy. It's the same old replay of my "responsibility" tapes. So after mulling it over, I decided that I was going to go on the ship, enjoy the work, and let the staff take care of things at the office in their usual competent way. That's progress for me, not perfection.

You can go home again

My sponsor has been on a road trip for over a month. I call it Travels with B. because of the email documentation that I've received. The last email was about traveling back to the old home town. B. wrote to me: "I must say -- - it is quite consoling to express myself - feelings, and all -- at how overwhelmed I was when I crossed the bridge back into my 'home' territory! This part .....is still beautiful, and not terribly affected with too much progress. The sugar cane appears to be about a foot high now, and the memories just swept over me. I accidentally (on purpose) took a turn into .......... -- the last time I rode down that road was with my Dad (I was 15 or 16 I think) - to dig some swamp irises from a friend of his for the plantation where we lived."

I've gone back to my home town and home place many times since I left in 1978. There are times when it only seems like yesterday that I was running barefoot through the fields, sitting on the side porch listening to late night radio stations coming in from far away places, or catching lightning bugs and putting them in a jar. When I read a novel with a small town setting, my mind goes back to those times when things were definitely a lot simpler. I think about fishing with my dad, picking fresh corn and fresh strawberries from the garden, playing baseball on the front lawn, and riding my bike with my cousin.

I'm glad that on this day I can remember those good times and there were lots of them. I'm grateful today for being able to grow up where people knew their neighbors and knew me by name and knew who my parents were. I'm grateful for summers spent on the water and reading comic books at the local drugstore. I think about the daffodils that grew everywhere, even in the woods. Every time I hear the sounds of the night in the summer, I think about lying in my bed in my room upstairs and listening to the cicadas and the other insects of the night make their music. I didn't have a perfect childhood but at this moment I can look back and smile about what I had and it was pretty damn good.

When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood” Sam Ewing

My mind's on the water today

Shannon's photos of the tide pools reminded me of one of my favorite books, Steinbeck and Rickett's Log from the Sea of Cortez. For a biologist, it's a wonderful book. Ed Rickett's was an interesting fellow. Steinbeck used a lot of who Rickett's was in his great book Cannery Row, another favorite. Ed Rickett's worked in a wooden building, positioned between canneries. He stored the specimens he sold to school labs -- frogs and cats and the tiny marine creatures he collected during hours spent in the tide pools off Monterey. Ricketts was a character who more or less lived in his lab and in the company of caged snakes. He liked wine, women and song and he liked to philosophize. Steinbeck said the novel should be read as if set in a human tidepool teaming with life, fascinating in all its aspects.

Ed Ricketts made his first appearance in Steinbeck's 1935 short story "The Snake": "It was almost dark when young Dr. Phillips swung his sack to his shoulder and left the tidepool. He climbed up over the rocks and squashed along the street in his rubber boots. The street lights were on by the time he arrived at his little commercial laboratory on cannery street in Monterey."

Ricketts followed a live-in-the-moment philosophy and he viewed everything as interrelated parts of a whole. This worldview also set Ed Ricketts apart from his peers in the world of marine biology. He was an ecologist who placed the organism in its natural habitat and looked at the relationship with the habitat. In 1939, Ricketts published an elegantly written textbook called Between Pacific Tides.

Steinbeck and Ricketts were not only friends, they were collaborators. Steinbeck and Ricketts embarked on a six-week marine expedition to the Gulf of California. During the trip, which covered 4,000 miles of coastline, they discovered 35 new marine species. The following year, the book based on their expedition, Sea of Cortez, was published.

Tragically, Ricketts died at the age of 50 when his car was hit by a train. In Cannery Row, Steinbeck left behind a poignant epitaph: "Doc would listen to any kind of nonsense and change it for you into a kind of wisdom. His mind had no horizon and his sympathy had no warp."

The quote that I put below sums up a great philosophy on life. It's about living life and not being afraid to venture forth, sometimes into unknown territory. I hadn't read the passage in several years and every time that I do, it resonates with me because I know and feel what they are writing about. Fear is an awful thing because it holds you back. It's a straight-jacket on the soul.

I guess that I'm in a great mood, albeit philosophical, because I'll be happily spending a couple of weeks at sea starting May 15. I'm looking forward to the work and the time spent on the water. In the meantime, I'm heading out to the beach today. It's a good day to see what floatsam might have been washed up by the tides.

"We sat on a crate of oranges and thought what good men most biologists are, the tenors of the scientific world - temperamental, moody, lecherous, loud-laughing, and healthy. Once in a while one comes on the other kind - what used in the university to be called a `dry-ball'- but such men are not really biologists. They are the embalmers of the field, the picklers who see only the preserved form of life without any of its principle. Out of their own crusted minds they create a
world wrinkled with formaldehyde. The true biologist deals with life, with teeming boisterous life, and learns something from it, learns that the first rule of life is living. The dry-balls cannot possibly learn a thing every starfish knows in the core of his soul and in the vesicles between his rays. He must, so know the starfish and the student biologist who sits at the feet of living things, proliferate in all directions. Having certain tendencies, he must move along their lines to the limit of their potentialities. And we have known biologists who did proliferate in all directions: one or two have had a little trouble about it. Your true biologist will sing you a song as loud and off-key as will a blacksmith, for he knows that morals are too often diagnostic of prostatitis and stomach ulcers. Sometimes he may proliferate a little too much in all directions, but he is as easy to kill as any other organism, and meanwhile he is very good company, and at least he does
not confuse a low hormone productivity with moral ethics.

-- J. Steinbeck & E.F. Ricketts,
Log from the Sea of Cortez.

Commercial Free

When I started doing this blog, I wanted it to be an electronic journal about my recovery in Al-Anon. At the same time, I also wanted to write about what I was learning in my program. I go to meetings, and I've heard a lot of wisdom. I read the literature, and I find more to think about. It's all very exciting to me because I can feel a difference inside of me. I also sense that others I know can see that difference reflected on the outside of me as well.

For me to write about what I feel without discussing the things that I've learned in my program seems like only a half effort. My sponsor commented to me after reading some early entries that I needed to offer some solutions and not just dump my emotions here. That seemed like a good idea. I haven't meant for anything that I wrote to be a commercial or recorded message for Al-Anon or AA. At this point in my experience, I guess that I'm riding the "pink cloud" and absorbing so much of what these programs have to offer. It's exciting to me that I'm thinking differently than I did before. It's equally exciting that I feel differently than I did before. Those are miraculous things to me.

Maybe it's because I am so new to the 12 step process. My anniversary date is August 13, 2006. I know what I was like just before that date. I was a mess: angry, empty, wanting to hurt myself, and completely fucked. I used to take a bottle of pills and look at it and think about taking them all. I used to think about crashing my car into an abutment at 80 miles an hour. I used to take out a knife and run it up my arm to imagine cutting myself. So to be where I am today thinking about all this day has to offer is a long way from where I was before.

Anyway, I'm going to still write about my program and what I've learned here. I'll still write about me and what I feel. It's getting the mixture of those things that's important. I am grateful for the comments that all of you make. You have a lot of wisdom to offer. In some ways, it's like having a bunch of sponsors who offer guidance and thoughts. I learn much from what you write and what you tell me.

Well, I'm off to get my day going. It's Saturday, and I'm going to let my HP take me wherever he wants to. Have a good one.

Contrary to Ordinary

I never live my life through other people's eyes
I guess I've always been the one they said was
Too tall, too late, too early
Yeah, he's the one
You ought to be in the circus
You're having too much fun

Just a one-man band, a one man gypsy circus
Finding out each piece of the puzzle has a purpose
Drifting and dreaming
Yeah, that must be my fate
Always grinning down the devil's throat
Blazing with aces and eights

And I was contrary to ordinary
Even as a child
Fast freights made me wonder
The full moon still drives me wild
And stories do come true
You just got to live your life in episodes
With one eye on a lady
And one eye still on that open road

And when I die don't put no tombstone on my grave
Just have my friends throw a great big party
Toss my ashes out across the waves
Don't bring no preacher man down
Just to tighten up my past
Just tell 'em how I like to live
I like to sing and dance and laugh

And I was contrary to ordinary
Even as a child
Fast freights made me wonder
Full moons still drive me wild
And stories do come true
If you live your life in episodes
With one eye on a lady
And one eye on that open road

Sung by Jerry Jeff Walker
Lyrics by Billy Jim Baker

I always liked the way Jerry Jeff sings this song. It is one that makes me think how it's a-okay to be different and not go with the main stream. I think that living life in episodes is what I've done for years and thankfully, I've got a new chapter or maybe a whole new book. And it's true that finding each piece of the puzzle has a purpose.

I don't have anything that's weighing heavy on my mind today. It's Friday and I'm happy for that. Once again, there's the promise of a few days to do something or to do nothing. I'm just going to let things evolve without making any plans. Being contrary to ordinary is okay with me.

Life on Life's Terms

Accepting "life on life's terms" is something that hasn't been easy for me. Life is filled with unexpected things that come up. Some of these are good things but others can be ones that cause a great deal of frustration, sorrow, or anxiety. I've always been able to deal with changes fairly easily and like to think of myself as being flexible. But these are changes over which I have some control. It's the changes that are beyond my control that seem to bother me the most. Some of those changes relate to a sense of loss that I had over people in my life and the changes that those losses brought about. Some changes are the result of the machinations of upper management on the job and the bureaucracy in which I work.

What I've come to realize is that these "heavy" losses or big changes are something that I can't control. They are a part of the complexity of life. There are always going to be unforeseen things that come up each day that I hadn't planned on. I used to get frustrated about those things, especially when the unforeseen involved my work. What I've found through my program is that if I simply roll with the punches and accept that things aren't always going to go smoothly, I can keep on an even keel.

So what I now do is look for a solution when some disappointment or frustration comes about. I don't throw my hands up anymore, curse, or fly off the handle. One of my staff noted the other day that I wasn't charging off to go "after" someone when an unexpected budget cut occurred. The "old" me used to fire off memos and be intimidating if something didn't go as planned. What I told her was that there are some things that are worth taking a stand on and there are others that no one can change. And that I've learned to pick my "battles" carefully. So I guess that the "new" me doesn't think that I have to give up and accept everything. I will still take a stand on those things that I think are important. That's where the courage to change the things that I can comes into the picture.

So when I used to let anger flare up around me or become indignant when things arose that didn't go the way that I thought they should, I now remember that life isn't going to go the way that I want it to. I didn't write the script. I'm just a bit player.

Acceptance can actually give me a lot more power than self-pity, anger, disappointment, or frustration. When those feelings arise, I acknowledge them but don't let them rule me anymore. I can make choices about how I'm going to react or if I'm going to react. I also try to look at all sides to the situation and see what role I can play and where the other person fits in. I can then choose to take some kind of action or I can just let it go.

…"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life --unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.......unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." from Alcoholics Anonymous

Entirely ready

Last night's discussion was on Step Six. It was interesting to hear various view points on this important step. This is the step that Bill W. said would "separate the men from the boys". When I first read about step six, I thought that it seemed so simple. I've done my inventory in Step Four where I've brought out a lot of strengths and shortcomings that I have.

In Step Five, I'm first admitting to God that I have defects of character and what those are. I then admit these to myself and take responsibility for what my inventory revealed. Then I talk to my sponsor or another trusted person in the program about the exact nature of my wrongs as well as the good things about myself. So I couldn't understand the big deal about Step Six.

Last night though, I learned that this really is the step where you "Let Go and Let God". It's a step in which I'm willing to let go of all the things that are holding me back. I'm never going to be perfect but I can make progress towards giving up those things that have blocked me for years. I can't remove these things on my own because that isn't going to work for very long. I've tried to control so many things and been unsuccessful. I know that without the help of my HP I'll not be able to remove the fear, lust, envy, judging and controlling that I do. I need to be willing to let my HP take over and work within me to be the best that I can be.

I think that the key to this step is letting God. I'm glad that we discussed this step last night because it isn't as simple as I had thought. It really means that I need to revisit Step Three and my relationship with my HP. And it makes me realize that as I complete Step Four and move into Step Five, I'll be needing to consider that my defects of character are actually not altogether bad but can help me become more spiritual and be an opportunity for greater recovery.

Putting on a mask

In my life, I've been quite an actor. I've been like the chameleon who changes color to suit the background situation. I don't remember when putting on masks became a way of life, but most probably I developed my acting ability when I was very young. I would smile and pretend that everything was okay. Even if I felt like crawling in a hole someplace, I would always say that I was fine.

I would have different acting roles depending on the group that I was with. If I was with the party crowd, then I would be happy go lucky. If I was with the studious group, then I'd be serious. If I was with the drugging hippy crowd, then I would be hip and cool. Later in life, I acted as the professional, convinced of my importance and great standing in my chosen career. I don't think that there were many times in my marriage that I dropped the mask, at least not to the outside world. It was in place and all looked right outwardly.

Most of my life, I never felt apart of any group. Because I wanted people to like me, I decided that it was best if I always appeared even and okay. I could change to suit who ever I was talking to. After a while though, it all got to be damned tiring. It was also a way to build incredible resentments. Maybe I really didn't like you but I wanted you to like me and give me a lot of strokes. If I didn't get what I wanted, then I would blame someone else or think that I was totally unlovable. I would go to parties and try to fit in but really just wanted to run. Finally, after hitting my own bottom of emptiness, I decided that it was time to drop the acting routine and get honest about how I really felt.

Being in Al-Anon has meant that I don't have to wear any mask or act anymore. I'm worrying much less about whether everyone likes me. It's important for me to be myself and if people like me then I'm happy. If they don't, then I'm not going to change myself to create some image of what I think they would like. It has helped to come to the realization that I like myself the way that I am. However, I realize every day that not hiding behind a mask or being an actor is something that I have to work on. This work demands total honesty from me. What a relief it is to know that I don't have to pretend anymore.

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself , would be pleased. Life would be wonderful......

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame." from Alcoholics Anonymous.