Cleaning things up

I worked on the boat some yesterday. I decided to take a couple of days off because of having spent so much time at sea. So I got a scrub brush and started with the hull, scrubbing away to get rid of any mold. It's in amazing shape and already looks very nice and clean.

It's peaceful to work on something and make it look new or nearly new again. I get such satisfaction out of restoring things. And I take great care of those things that I do have. I suppose it's an appreciation of all the hard work that it takes and once I get it where I want it, I don't want to have to go back over it again and again. Just maintain what you've got and not let it go into decline.

That's the way I see my program as well. I want to take action steps to move forward in restoring myself and not slide backwards. I don't mind going back over the steps since they are really what keep me maintained in a state of sanity and serenity. This is a program of action.

Damifino

I used to think that I had all the answers to a multitude of things because of my education. Now I've come to realize that I really only know just a small fraction of things. I've learned a lot since I started going to meetings. These are things that I've learned about myself and have profoundly affected how I deal with others.

Many things still remain a mystery. But as they say, more will be revealed . In the meantime, Damifino:
1. Why the program works but it does.
2. What the future holds but I'm satisfied with this day.
3. Why I wasted so much time worrying and feeling guilty since those aren't important now.
4. Why I wanted to be perfect because there is no such thing.
5. Why I thought I could control outcomes and people when I just needed to look within myself.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend. And if anyone asks you any tough questions, you'll know what to say.

For Sail

Well, I bought a sailboat yesterday. It's a 22 foot Catalina that sleeps four, has a little dining table, a small galley and a portable toilet. The cushions have all been newly upholstered. It's in great shape and comes with all the sails, a 4.5 hp motor and a lot of other gear. I've always wanted a sailboat and kept driving by this one on my way to work. I stopped the other day and checked it out and decided that I really liked it.

So last night I went over and made an offer that was accepted. The trailer needs a bit of rust busting and there is some teak that needs sanding and varnishing. But all of that will be the fun part in getting the boat fixed up to be absolutely beautiful. Once all of that is done then I'll be out sailing.

I guess that you can tell I'm excited about this. I'm thinking about anchoring in a quiet creek, spending the night on the boat, and just chilling out. Today, life is good.

Throwing dishes

At last night's meeting, the topic was about how to let go of anger when there is a confrontation. One of the men shared that he doesn't accept having plates thrown at him anymore but generally is able to not buy into other verbal assaults from his wife who is an alcoholic.

I've experienced the plate throwing myself but at the time. I tried to calm things down only to find out that probably wasn't the best thing to do. When faced with unacceptable behavior, I have a choice to either "leave the field" of fight, try to reason, or get into the fray and try to out yell the other person. I've never been good at confrontations so I've generally tried to reason with the alcoholic which is a waste of energy and gets me no where. Now since being in Al-Anon I know that I don't have to be around such unacceptable behavior and can choose to leave. Even if I walk away for just a few minutes, it can help diffuse any anger that I'm feeling.

Treating others with compassion who are angry is something that requires use of the steps. As has been pointed out so many times, the steps are a way to live life and relying on help from our HP is a great help when times are difficult.

Photography

A lot of you have asked if I do my own photography. I do and really enjoy the hobby. Some of the photos on my blog were set up on a tripod with timer but the rest were ones that I shot just standing and looking for something to catch my eye. I use a Nikon D70 digital SLR. It's a great camera in my opinion. I carry about 4 lenses with me but mostly use a 28-300mm F3.5-6.3 DG Macro lens.

Photography is something that allows me to try to capture the world around me. Some of what I photograph is beautiful and some of it is not beautiful in a conventional sense. I have a fascination with tugboats but they aren't really beautiful, just interesting to me.

It's hard to describe how it feels to get a shot that you really like. I take lots of photos but sometimes I can't capture what my eye sees. I think that's the challenge of photography. There is so much more to it than just the mechanics--there's feeling and light and all the many nuances that surround you at the moment that you see something you want to capture forever. There aren't many ways to capture those golden moments or that special feeling. It stays in your mind for a while but to have an image of it that will last....well, that's pretty neat. I still look at those old Kodak black and whites from my childhood. My memory of that time is pretty dim but when I see the photos, I can remember so much better. I guess that I'm hoping to preserve those things that are important to me so that I can look back and conjure up something magical as time goes by.

Sunday all day

I had a really good day today. It started when I went to the beach this morning taking one of the dogs and just walked in the water. The beach is nearly deserted in the early morning. I watched the cargo ships coming and going into port, glad that I wasn't on one for the time being, but wondering where they were heading.

After the beach, I visited with a friend, went to lunch and then went to look at some boats at a nearby marina. Boats are something that I'm interested in and am thinking about buying one that I can sleep on. There's a nice one that I've been looking at in Deltaville, Virginia--25 feet, aluminum hull, low hours on the diesel engine, sleeps four. Then, there is a 22 foot Catalina sailboat available that also sleeps four, has a small galley, is trailerable and is in good shape. I like to think about anchoring in a cove and just listening to the waves slapping on the hull.

Finally, at the end of the day I went to my meeting. The topic was about slogans:
First things first
Live and Let Live
Listen and Learn
One Day at a Time
Let Go and Let God
How Important is It?
Keep it Simple
Progress not perfection
Take what you need and leave the rest
Easy does it
Let it begin with me
Principles above personalities
and others.

It was the 7 year birthday for one of our group who is a very special and kind lady. I feel relaxed and grateful for having this day be filled with a lot of happy things.

Meditation

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I felt out of sorts this morning. I don't know whether it was from the stress of the last few days that brought on the feelings but I was not in a good place. I felt totally dissatisfied with myself and depressed. I talked to my sponsor at length about how I was perceiving things, and he suggested that I try meditation. He said to light a candle and stare at the candle trying to rid my mind of all problems and thoughts. He also suggested that I get outside and do something. So I did both of these things, going for a ride into town and walking around among the throngs of people and lighting a candle late this afternoon and just listening to the sound of my breathing.

I also read about some very basic ideas on self confidence that can help me get away from self pity:

-Open your heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting you will build self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I. If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I could not do anything at all but lead a completely useless life.

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. Self-confidence comes from being challenged to one's limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Spirituality is going beyond our self and self-interested focusing, it requires courage, independence, faith in our own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Anger hurts

I've been thinking about how anger is a hurtful thing. I saw it on the ship this time and heard about it from several people. Just seeing someone go off on another indicates the amount of physical and emotional energy that anger takes. It's not a productive emotion for me and seems to take away my enjoyment of people and opportunities around me. The words that are said during an angry interchange can maim the soul. But after an angry outburst, it takes me quite a while to get the event out of my head because I go over it and try to figure out what happened.

It seems that angry people like to think that they are justified with making themselves and everyone around them miserable. Anger seems to be selfish because things can't always go the way that I or others want them to. People won't do what I say. Things in life aren't going to run smoothly for me or anyone else all the time. I have to accept that and just deal with it. Getting angry isn't going to change anyone's viewpoint or make things run more smoothly. In fact, I've found that anger has the opposite effect.

Maybe it's the nature of the alcoholic to be irritable. I've wondered about that because I've seen a lot of irritability with an alcoholic friend on my last cruise. He became enraged with other people on board. He cursed and generally acted out. Is this stress or just the alcoholic mind at work? My friend has been sober for many years and I've never known him to blow up like this. I know that he has issues with hypoglycemia, but somehow I think that it was linked more to stress.

I've read that alcoholics can have hypoglycemia that makes for irritability. Eating sugary foods seems to make the situation worse. I don't know the answer but having been on the receiving end of alcoholic frustration at home, I know that it is painful for both parties. The person who is angry feels bad about losing control and self-esteem seems to suffer even more. I basically don't want to be around someone who is angry so that adds to more feelings of isolation. Apologies that are repeated over and over don't work anymore.

So now what I have to do is my part--forgive those who have been angry and who have lashed out; accept that their anger is theirs to own and not mine; and remember to think before I open my mouth with hurtful words.

"An angry man is again angry with himself, when he returns to reason. "(Publilius Syrus)

Contentment

I got home at 1:30 AM and was bleary eyed. I left my bags in the car and simply crashed. Today has been a reprieve from all the problems. This morning I recounted the events of the last few days to my sponsor who listened patiently. I needed to vent a bit and lay out how I felt. After doing that, I took a long nap and truly let all the bad thoughts go.

I thought about the bird that rode with us on the ship: Contented to have a place to rest before flying away to where it belonged. I'm contented for the time being to have a place to rest and to be back where I belong also.

Heading back

We are heading back into Savannah. Thankfully, I should be home very late tonight or early in the AM tomorrow. All the dives have been completed and I've gotten all the samples that I need. Building seas are expected for tomorrow so there isn't any sense in staying out.

I'm looking forward to getting back, off the ship and away from all the tensions. I packed up my gear and as soon as we are tied up and the gangway down, I'm leaving.

I don't have to be back out here for another two weeks. I don't mind being at sea but think that there are too many discontented people on board. It makes it hard to stay in positive mode. Today I read a lot from Walk in Dry Places. My room is like a cave--low temperature, dark with no port hole, and when I draw the curtains around the bunk and crawl under the comforter, it's a pleasant feeling of isolation. I know then that I'm back into myself.

Anyway, I read a lot of good stuff from Walk in Dry Places. The reading on Anger-A Dangerous Weapon was particularly relevant. "The trouble with anger, though, is that it's destructive. Once angry we hurt ourselves and we hurt others. Terrible things said in anger leave wounds that never heal, creating problems that lead to more anger."
"The AA program can show us that there is virtually no justification for anger, under any and all circumstances. If we sense it coming on, we have the choice of taking charge of our feelings. If we're angry over another's behavior, we can choose to practice acceptance. "

Needle gun

Today was one of those days that had so many mixed emotions. I really had to work at my program in order to just get through the day. There have been several outbursts of anger on board toward the scientists and there have been some racial tensions. I don’t really understand a lot of details nor do I even want to know. Anyway, there seems to be a lot of unrest and it will be best when several of the crew get off the ship for good at the home port.

Amidst all of the venting and spewing, I felt overwhelmed so I did what I know works. I asked deck department to let me chip off rust with a needle gun. A needle gun is a neat power tool that has many long pieces of metal in a tube and these metal “probes” vibrate up and down and bust off the rust bubbles so that you can get down to the steel. I put in ear plugs and gunned away. The gun vibrates hard in your hand and is a great way to not only shut out everything around you due to the noise but is also a great way to just get absorbed in work and take out any and all frustrations. Maybe I'm chipping away at the rusted parts within myself to expose the steel underneath. Whatever it was, it worked because after a couple of hours of that, I felt happy and able to do the rest of the work for the day.

I finally quit work last night at around 8:30. It had been a 12 hour day and at the end of it, I was tired but content. Only one more day of Ops and then I can head back home. This has thankfully been a short cruise. I’m looking forward to getting to meetings and away from all the tension swirling around me.

Back at sea

I left yesterday to drive to Savannah to get a launch out to the ship. It was a bumpy ride. There was a mass exodus of the geologists because their main piece of gear had malfunctioned. This trip seems off balance to me. The mood on board is fairly dark.

There are people who have decided to quit and one of them is my friend, D. He seems to be in an irritable place right now. Not wanting to be on board and negative about everything around him. Maybe I'm seeing the dry drunk here or maybe this is just what happens under stress.

I've decided that I don't want to be part of negativism. It just isn't what I feel inside. I feel a lot of happiness but confusion over seeing so many people so miserable themselves. I have no desire to do anything but keep myself on an even keel. It's helping me to think about all the things that I'm grateful for and that I have a choice in whether I'm miserable or not.

Father's Day

I'm not sure what those of you who are dads are doing today but I hope that it is a good day. Funny that I don't remember much about how I honored my father. I know that I made cards for him, just as I did for my mother. I also gave him presents when I was older. Things like slippers, a tie, or a shirt. I just don't remember anything else that was special about those father's day activities.

Regret has a way of sneaking up on you. The Big Book says that you won't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And I know that I can't relive anything from the past now. But I have those moments when I wish that I could have told my father that I loved him more. All the gifts and cards don't really amount to much when it's the words that really convey the meaning.

In spite of the painful times that I had around his drinking and his criticism, I loved him. He was a good provider and he taught me a love for the water and living things. He grew up on a farm and went to sea as a young man out of high school. He decided that the mariner's life wasn't for him though after he fell in love with my mother. My father liked poetry and had this soft compassionate inside that he didn't project on the outside. It was there though when he would cry over the loss of his sister who died an alcoholic or when an animal that he loved would die. He just didn't let that side of him out very often. Maybe it was his generation or maybe it was the fear that blocked him. I know now that it wasn't about me.

So hopefully the father that you are or those in your life know love and will find joy in the day.

Love letters

The art of writing has almost become non-existent with the widespread use of computers. Still to me there is nothing more powerful than getting a well-written letter from a friend. I can remember having pen pals when I was a kid and I would look so forward to getting those onion skin airmailed letters from England and France. They were better than Christmas presents (almost).

I still like to get cards and letters. Recently, I was going through some old love letters. I've kept them so that I can reread those special words. And they were special words, filled with a lot of passion and love and happiness. My sponsor says that I am a romantic, still wanting to have things be like a honeymoon. I guess that I do idealize relationships. I don't want things to become mundane and mediocre. But it's hard to keep all those electric feelings going over the long haul.

Do you remember what it felt like to have that first kiss from someone that you were attracted to? I can replay that tape again and again and never tire of it. Maybe that is living in the past but it still gives me a charge. Maybe it's impossible to keep that feeling but it's better than any drug or drink that I can think of.

I'm glad that I'm a romantic because it means that there is always that spark glowing inside of me. I know that things change but I'm always willing and ready to try to have that spark ignite into a flame.

Red sky at night

There's a mariner's saying that a red sky at night is a sailor's delight. Well, I saw that red sky last night and thought that it was a good sign that things were getting better in my head. I also read what all of you wrote and listened to what my sponsor told me.

It's true that I have been bringing up a lot of heavy stuff with the combination Step Four and Step Five that I'm doing. The feelings to run from yesterday have diminished I'm glad to say. I know that I have unfinished business but for today, I'm feeling happy and looking forward to the weekend.

I'm going to have my ups and downs. Thankfully, I don't get lost in the down times, and I don't slide into the abyss like I used to do. I've got some rudimentary tools that I'm using to get me over myself and I'll have more tools as I progress with my program.

I also had a happy thing happen yesterday. I picked up my Merchant Mariner's Document (Z card) from the Coast Guard. That card offers me some options for when I get out of research. I may never use it on a commercial vessel but just having it in my wallet is a reminder of lots of places to see and other work to be done on the water. Because I have volunteered on the state's new tall ship, there may be opportunities to either teach marine science to at risk children or be a member of the crew. Things to think about that make me smile.

Thanks for all of your support and comments. You are a great bunch of people who I have come to love.

Crashed

My hard drive crashed at work. It not only took a nose dive but it literally jumped off Mt. Everest. No other computers even recognize that it exists so the IT staff are sending it off to an outfit that can hopefully work magic and get back all of my files. We have a back up system but for some reason only a part of my hard drive was backed up. Like the commercial says, "Life comes at you fast".

Now that I'm back on land and this has happened, I'm ready to get back to sea. Maybe I'm running. That's a possibility for sure. Just not wanting to face up to a lot of things right now. I've got that restless feeling that tells me that I'm not fitting into my own skin well and something is eating at me. Maybe it's feeling overwhelmed from being back. Maybe it's being tired still. Maybe it's the damn hard drive. Maybe it's my relationship with my SO. Maybe it's because I did a draft outline for my anniversary sharing. For whatever reason, I'm not accepting life on life's terms very well today.

I'm not sure where the unrest is coming from, just that it's there. I feel as if I have unfinished business that I need to complete and things that need to be put right in my soul. I know that my internal hard drive isn't broken entirely. I'm hoping that it just needs a reboot.

Hanging on to something for too long

One of the things that stuck in my mind from the meeting today was the idea that we hang onto things for too long. We may hang onto a job that we really don't like hoping that it will improve. We may hang onto possessions that we no longer need, thinking that we might just need them someday. Or we might hang onto relationships hoping that they will eventually develop into the perfect friendship or love.

I don't know about you but I'm guilty of all of the above. I've held onto things because to change course would bring out feelings of abandonment, fear, and guilt. Hoping that things will be better is really like a fantasy. I can conjure up the perfect job and the perfect relationship but deep down I know that there is no such thing. Sometimes it's just easier to think about the fantasy than to act. To take action means that I have to leave the safe place that I think I'm in. I have to be honest and admit to my fears, yet trust in my HP that by taking action, I am moving forward and will have spiritual guidance along the way.

I know that I want to do some house cleaning and not hold onto something or someone because of the comfort that I hope will come again. I simply don't know that I'm any closer to taking action than I was a month or so ago. The fear of the unknown has me blocked and uncertainly is holding me back. My hope is that by working through Step 5, I'll have a clearer understanding of what I really want to do.

Joie de vivre

I had to include a photo of the dolphin show that went on offshore. Just like the dolphin, I am so happy to be home and getting back on track. I met with my sponsor to finish up a lot of my Step Four work (Al-Anon's Blueprint for Progress and the AA step four worksheets) and have dinner. Then we went to my favorite meeting where there were about 30 people. It's generally a large group but tonight there were lots of regulars and quite a few newcomers.

There was a college student there with her dad. She asked him to come to the meeting because she could tell that something was amiss with him. He was irritable and just not happy. The college student shared that she was troubled to see the pain that her parents were going through and that she didn't know how things were going to turn out in their 30 year marriage. She was trying to do her work at school but was having a hard time dealing with the "death" of the family situation as she has known it. A lot of people offered her support after the meeting which was good.

I've been where she is, dying on the inside with a heart breaking because of the death of a relationship that once was great. Thankfully, I ended up in Al-Anon. I feel much more hope about my life and know that regardless of how things turn out, my HP will be there every step of the way.

Even though I can't know what tomorrow will bring, today I'm still alive, my life is full, and I feel happy to just be.

Heading home

I got home around 4 PM this afternoon. Amazingly enough, I wasn't too tired so decided to make the 7 PM meeting that I've missed for several weeks. We talked about alcoholism and it's effects on the family. The discussion came from the Alateen book. Once again the discussion was a reminder that this is a family disease, not just because there is a genetic component but mainly because it affects everyone in the family.

It was good to see the people from my home group and talk with my sponsor. He stayed after the meeting to just catch up on how I was doing.

I guess that I'm doing fairly well, although it seems that there was an abundance of uptight stuff on this cruise. People who take themselves way too seriously. People who are unhappy and miserable with life at sea for long periods. I guess that I was ready to get away from the people there and return home. One of the things that I shared was that on the night that we got into port, I walked over to the bar across the street just before closing and had a couple of drinks. I know it was my response to pent up feelings. And because of using the rationale of unwinding, I can see easily how it would be tempting to slam down a few more and just keep going. The wanting to use alcohol to unwind though was the feeling that made me think how it must be for the alcoholic. The difference is that I stopped after two. Other than that, I would say that maybe I need to get back in touch with my HP and turn over a lot of the feelings that I harbored on this trip.

What I'm grateful for is that tonight I'm sleeping in my own bed and not a hard bunk. I'm seeing the people that I love and not a bunch of strangers. I'm writing to all of you in a quiet location rather than a crowded lab on a ship. I'm also letting go of the bad stuff in my head, breathing easy, and thankful that I don't have to go back out for a week. Not much else to say. I'm starting to wind down now and needing to get some rest.

Arriving in Savannah

We had a smooth sail into Port Savannah with flat seas. The dolphins were surfacing and surfing the bow wake on the ride from the sea buoy into the Savannah River. It was a beautiful morning. After packing up and loading the container with the yellow submarine and all of its accessories onto a flat bed truck at the port authority, the ship moved to River Street. This is the heart of the tourist district in old Savannah. Lots of restaurants and bars. Open containers are allowed here, very much like New Orleans where you can just stroll with a beer or glass of wine.

The port calls are a free for all with the crew and scientists. Every one bails off the ship and heads to the nearest bar. I hung out on board ship with my friend D. who had the 4 to midnight watch. We talked about the rifts between the officers and the crew. We talked about the amount of drinking that happens in port. We talked about a lot of things over those several hours. It was good to have his ear again while we attempted to solve a lot of problems.

I know that this has been a more spiritually challenging trip for me. For one thing, there wasn't as much for me to do. Second, there was a lot of negativism among the crew on this trip. It's the type of negativism that makes cynical embittered old men. I sincerely hope that D makes a decision that will prevent him from becoming that way.

I was pleased that I kept my mouth shut during these discussions. I didn't have a dog in the fight so it was best for me to just listen and be a sounding board. I'm learning that it's best not to meddle in the affairs of others. If someone has a boundary that they let you know about, it's best to respect them and not try to take care or solve any of their problems.

Rocket Man

Most of us on board were able to see the shuttle launch. We were about 70 miles from Cape Canaveral when it went off. It was good to see it go up and I couldn't help but feel pride in the technological accomplishments that we have made in science. Maybe because I've spent my whole career in science, it just seems a marvel that we have accomplished so much technologically, yet there is the flip side in which I wonder have we made a difference for the planet.

All signs point to the fact that things aren't getting better--water quality isn't better, air quality isn't much better, habitat is being lost, fisheries are depleted and global warming is looming. The populace seems to care more about Paris Hilton than about education or the environment. Those kinds of things are really disturbing. But for at least that brief shining moment last night, I could be a kid and look at that big rocket booster and the tiny shuttle being propelled with human cargo into space. We all cheered as we watched the orange ball and the contrail streak across the sky. Makes me want to be a rocket man for a day.

Shuttle launch

I'm hoping to be able to see the shuttle launch tonight. There is currently a lot of cloud cover and we've had a downpour of rain. A lot of us are looking forward to seeing the rocket flare just because we are so close to the launching area.

There was a lot of activity last night trying to get the yellow submarine back on board the ship. Seas weren't too bad but the sucker had a mind of it's own and was being difficult to get back in the cradle. Essentially, it had to be craned back on board (bottom photo) but a diver had to go in the water to untangle the lines from it. The rescue boat was launched to pick up the diver (top photo). I've attached a few photos from the evening. When everyone is running around like crazy in a panic mariners call this a "cluster f*ck".

It's an applicable term because there are a lot of egos running around trying to work as a team yet where egos are involved that's hard to do. Everyone thinks that they are an expert and have the answer, which makes it difficult to really effect a solution. Ego is one of those things that is most detrimental to the work that I do and to the program that I work. I usually stand back and watch the process unfold. It keeps me in the background which is where I'm probably most comfortable. Sometimes I think that I need to push myself forward more. It's something that I need to work on, yet find hard to do. My fear of failure and rejection no doubt contributes to that feeling of being left behind. I do it to myself. One day at a time.

Life's Choices

I was talking to a good friend on the ship. He thinks that it's time that he decides what he wants to do with his life. At 44 years old, he works as an AB on the ship. He's worked on tugboats for several years before being on here. Before that there were "lost" years though that took him in a downward spiral from which he thankfully escaped from over 16 years ago. When I listen to what he says, I think that he has these dreams that may or may not be fulfilled. He really wants to be a tugboat captain which is attainable if you can pass all the tests. I know that he has the intelligence, but he has a hard time with testing. He said that a career would make him successful in terms of American expectations. I really hope that his dreams are fulfilled and for the right reasons.

Too many of us have dreams that are a result of what others want and expect us to do. I have spent the greater part of my life trying to please others, achieving because that was a way to fill the emptiness. Now, I just am pleasing my self. Maybe the difference is that I have achieved and after all is said and done, I wasn't any happier. Now, I'm happy because I don't have to prove anything. I've done what I need to do and can look forward to doing what I want to do. That's a neat position to be in.

Electric communication

Today there was an electrical storm at sea. Lots of rain and flash lightening all around. I've felt electric today as well. Filled with a lot of energy and not many ways to displace it. I cleaned up the entertainment room because it was so disorganized. It's not my job, but I just needed to do something while the CTD and AUV were down.

The AUV is an experimental device, shaped like a torpedo, that moves close to the bottom and sends back signals that give a three-dimensional profile of the bottom. It sends back data that will allow scientists to map the bottom, determine where vulnerable habitats such as deep water corals are, and generally get more information about habitats that could be potential marine protected areas. This is a multi-million dollar piece of equipment that is very complex. There is a team on board just to tweak the AUV. Unfortunately, it's not wanting to communicate with the surface at the current moment. It essentially has a mind of it's own at this point.

It's tempting to make the comparison between man and machine here. Communication is essential with all things. I see so many opportunities for better communication out here, among the scientists and the crew. I see opportunities in my job at work and in my life at home. Yet, there is always the fear that gets in the way. The perceived threats to one's ego. The stubborness that wants to keep everything so bottled up. If we would just let go and open up our minds and our feelings, everything would work so much better. I have more hours today to see how well I can work with others out here in this small universe. I'll keep my communication open and the electricity buzzing.

Dawn at sea

Working the 4 to 9 watch this morning and watching a new day unfold. It is so peaceful out here. Once again, I'm grateful for no phones, no hassles, no extraneous time demands, no frenzy, and no complications. It was a smooth watch. Now I'm listening to some good tunes and watching the multibeam lines stream by as we are logging the sea bottom.

Today, I'm happy to be where I am. Just enjoying every moment out here. I know that all too soon I'll be back to reality. It's funny how yesterday I was missing home and today, my mind is back here. Wonder what that means? Oh well, it's here, it's now and I'm going with the moment.

Not much on my mind thus far. I'll be heading off to my bunk when the watch is over. I'm not really too tired but know that it will be good to get some rest. Hope that each of you is having a good day.

Making a run

We are heading back down to deep water off Miami. It's a long run, giving me lots of time to read and reflect. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do when I get my MMD card as an ordinary seaman. I watched the large cargo ships move in and out of Savannah's port, wondering where they are going and what they are carrying. It's easy to get the wanderlust just thinking about that. But it's a different thing to carry it out and give up on a home life and all that it has to offer.

I am missing home a little today. It seems to happen when I'm bored from lack of activity. So far, we've just been running south and won't be doing much in the way of data collection until later tonight. I really like physical work when I'm on ship. It keeps me from thinking too much about the things and people that I miss.

It's easy to leave everything behind out here. The "geographic" change is a pleasant one but my mind also goes to all the things that I'll have to catch up on when I next get back to work on land. I've also got to start thinking more about my first anniversary in Al-Anon. How do I put the story together? I'd like to start at where I am now and then go back to where I was a year ago and the events that got me to both places. I don't necessarily want this to be a linear story. I want it to have the dimensions that portray all the complexity and also humor. I don't like continuous sob stories or the "poor me" saga. Looking back on things, there is a lot of room for humor and there are a lot of happy times that occurred. Not everything has been bad.

I was wondering how you told your story. I don't want to read from a sheet of paper. Just have it come straight from my heart. It's the only way that I know how to do anything.

Underway

Finally, we are getting underway. There is still some residual rain and high seas but anything is better than being tied up for days. We are heading back to Florida to do some multibeam work and to put the AUV in the water. I am looking forward to seeing what kind of images it sends back to the ship.

The beds on here are so hard. I wish that there were those foam mattresses that conform to your body. I need something for my aching back. There aren't many places to go on board where you can just be quiet and read, other than your bunk. I'll get bed sores if I get anymore sleep.

I'm working on getting around to reading everyone's blogs. Email has been down here so I'm posting a bunch of entries at once. I look forward to reading all that you've written.

My serenity is intact at the moment. I'm looking forward to doing some work. Keeping busy is a salvation for me.

Tropical Storm

Today was a very rainy day with high winds. The tropical depression came through from the south and caused gusts up to 45 mph. I awoke to the sounds of rain pelting the bulkhead in my room. It's a good soothing sound, one that I would welcome if I were home. It would mean a quiet day to read and take a nap. What it means today on here is that we are delayed again.

The longer that we are in port, the more boring it becomes. I did venture out in the rain and had a nice dinner at a restaurant close to the ship. I did the midnight to 8 AM security watch last night again and that was okay. It's tiring to stay up all night but nice to be done with it and then go to bed. Time of day becomes irrelevant.

I'm feeling peaceful even with the tiredness. The rain makes things so relaxing. It gets a bit chilly at night so one of my favorite spots is the water heater room. I go in there to warm up during security rounds. A nice fire at home would feel great right about now.

Hurry up and wait

Another day in Savannah waiting for the engineer. There's rumors that we won't leave until Saturday. There's always rumors on here, mostly about the weather or who's taken a job elsewhere. It's just like a small town.

I walked around Savannah in the afternoon and listened to the street musicians again before getting a few hours of sleep before another watch.

I did the midnight to 8 AM security watch last night. It was quiet, mostly just a few people leftover from the night before who decided to party too hard. When you're on this late night watch, you actually hope for some excitement or something to keep your attention.

I'm once again hoping that we'll get underway as soon as possible. However, there appears to be a storm coming up on weather reports so I'm not sure what that will do to our plans.

I'm grateful today for:
1. Having an opportunity to see many incredible things of both the good and bad variety
2. Living each day as if it's my last
3. Better knowledge about myself through the steps
4. Having good friends that are interested in how I'm doing
5. Liking who I am

On the ship--Happy HNT

I drove with one of the crew to Savannah to get on the ship, thinking that we would be leaving tomorrow. Because one of the engineers got off the ship in Miami, we have to wait for another one to come onboard. So, we won't get underway until Saturday.

Savannah is an interesting town. I walked around and heard a couple of neat street musicians. These are old guys who sing off key, with one playing a guitar and the other doing the soft shoe. Really neat stuff.

Savannah is an open container town, or at least that's the way it is on River Street. Lots of people who belong in the rooms walking around. I'll be glad to get out of here and get to work.

The next group of scientists coming on board are mostly technical folks who are working with an autonomous vehicle that will swin along a programmed track and take footage of the bottom habitats. The amount of computers and control panels on board has tripled. It's like a NASA type operation.

I'm feeling peaceful and accepting, yet I also miss home. It will take a few days to make the transition to shipboard life again.

By the way, hAApy hAAlf nAAked Thursday!