Chaos

Last night's meeting topic was on how to deal with chaos in our lives. The chair shared that her life was in chaos because of a divorse, sale of the house, purchasing a new house, and having to deal with children in school--all without any help.

I used to think that the insurance commercial that says, "Life comes at you fast" was funny but there's truth as well as humor in it. The best that I've been able to figure out is that we can't figure life out. It's way too complex and there are just too many variables. I have learned to expect the unexpected and when things become too overwhelming, it's best to prioritize (First Things First) or give something up (Keep it Simple). These are things that help to "live life on life's terms".

Thankfully, I'm an organized person but when dealing with demanding people, organization isn't what's needed. I practice patience to a point but will set boundaries when I need to do so. I also trust that my HP has a plan. Maybe I'm needing some humility, acceptance or courage added to the lesson plans for living. However bad things may seem at the moment they occur, I know that I'll eventually get through the situation and have learned something. As I've heard so many times, the school of hard knocks teaches lessons.

Off Watch

I spent last night and today on my sailboat. It was a good learning experience, especially when I anchored in too close to shore and the tide went out. I felt things begin to slide during the night and looked out the hatch to see that the boat was keeled over and we were high and dry. Sleeping at an angle against the bulkhead isn't very comfortable. But by dawn the tide had come in and the boat and I were on an even keel.

I stayed on an even keel the rest of today. I swam to shore, walked on the beach and generally enjoyed having the island to myself. That ended around 11 AM when other boaters showed up and soon there were about 50 people drinking beer, playing frisbee and otherwise enjoying the nice day. I decided to head back under sail, so I put up the jib and headed back. I was sailing against the current so it took a while. I enjoyed every minute of it though.

I'm thankful for staying on an even keel myself today in spite of the ebbs that occurred. I'm also grateful for smooth sailing even against the current. Funny how taking it slow and easy felt just right. Even salmon swim upstream for a reason.

Uneasy Does It

My sponsor says that it's two steps forward and one step back sometimes. I believe that to be the case. I've been pulling my character defects from the God box and yesterday's was abandonment and today's is resentful. These are big things for me. I've felt abandonment acutely over the years--from my father, lovers, friends, and others who I had expectations of and walked away from when I was unable to accept them for who they were. So I've been abandoned and I've abandoned others.

I have to ask myself then, so what? I have an HP who is always there for me, I have my dogs who love me unconditionally, I have a great program with people who have my back. Why I revert back to thoughts of abandonment is puzzling. I know all the positive things in my life, I know that I can work my way out of the fear but at the time that it strikes, it is so easy to get caught up in it, go into self pity, and build resentments. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to sabotage myself with my own head.

So to keep things moving forward, I'm going to abandon myself to my boat (who is now called Off Watch), go spend the night on the water, where the only resentment that I hope to have involves scrubbing the deck.

Since I don't want to leave everyone hanging, I came up with 8 things that would surprise you, horrify you, and otherwise cause you to lose sleep:
1. I used to own a horse and rode in horse shows--hunter jumper class.
2. I have some mild scoliosis in my lower back that has ended my running
3. I enjoy driving, am a gear head, and drive a sporty car.
4. I have been down as deep as 3000 m in a submersible
5. I have received many academic honors over the years, but getting my MMD as an Ordinary Seaman was as exciting or more so.
6. I once got so drunk that I fell in a river. Luckily, the water was cold so I got out before I drowned.
7. I have never wanted for material things but desperately want the help that the program offers.
8. I have published a lot in my career but writing on my blog and in my journal has been more satisfying than all the scientific publications.

I don't know who to tag since I'm not sure who has been tagged already. Have a great weekend everyone.

A leaf in the wind or a cow in a tornado

I think that I would rather be a leaf in the wind than a cow in a tornado. These days I'm swept along gently like the leaf. I feel as if I'm floating, rising, spiraling, and finally touch down. It is a happy feeling, especially if I just let the feeling carry me along.

Thankfully, the days of feeling like the cow in a tornado are few. It's the feeling of panic when I'm caught in a whirlwind. Too much to do and too little time to get it done. I know that I'm being carried along by the tornado and I know that if the whirlwind stops then I'm going to crash. I don't enjoy that feeling and work the program of Al-Anon to not get caught up in things that are going to let me down hard or keep me spinning.

Today, I'm grateful for a gentle wind, a smooth ride, and a soft landing.

Tab tagged me to list some things about myself. You can have your pick on the things about me since I posted a bunch of them awhile ago. In fact, it's a damn long list.

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems

I think that summer brings back memories of those days when I was a kid running wild. Those first few days when I was out of school with the whole summer stretched before me were wonderful times.

Back then, when life was a lot simpler, I didn't put on shoes except on Sunday, would play all day doing something, and really had only minimal problems to deal with. I would mostly try to figure out how to have a good time with my cousin without getting punished by an adult. Since he was three years older, I generally was the fall guy for most of our antics. Those summer days were magical, and the nights spent on the porch listening to some far off radio station were serene. Sometimes I would fall asleep on the old glider on the porch and spend the night there without a care in the world. Knowing that the next day would bring new adventures was enough for me.

I'm finding that it's possible to recapture that feeling of freedom and fun. I'm still a kid at heart, and I'm enjoying the new life that I've found, thanks to my Al-Anon program. Just for today Life's a Beach.

Being like our animals

I was watching the dogs playing yesterday and thought how they are really living in the moment. They are good examples of the Keep It Simple philosophy. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They hardly ever are irritable and if they are, they deliver a swift message that doesn't have any double meanings. They are happy for their biscuits and kibble One Day at a Time. The dogs aren't worried about whether they are going to be fed tomorrow or whether they are going to be brushed tomorrow. They just enjoy being dogs.

Cats are also a good model of the Al-Anon program. They can stroll to a sunny spot, flop down, relax and not think about anything except how content they are in their own skin. They don't worry about whether their humans love them, whether they have to please anyone, or who they can control. Cats are self-absorbed and not anxious to do the bidding of others. As far as lust goes, the cats don't worry about that. They don't mind that they're neutered and haven't given sex a thought in a long time. My cats don't resent much or at least I can't tell that they do. They let me know when they need to be fed. And they are grateful for what they receive because they give me that blink that says, "Hey thanks alot for the super expensive urinary tract prescription food". And if I'm really nice to them, I get that great purring motor started that indicates pure contentment.

I think that I need to watch my animals more because they seem to have the whole serenity thing down to a science.

Real friends

Since coming into Al-Anon I've made some new friends. These aren't necessarily people that I hang out with all the time, but they are people with whom I can converse without any judgement or criticism. If I'm having any troubles, I can call them and likewise, they can call me. As the saying goes, we have each other's backs.

It's ironic how I've always wanted friends, yet did everything that I possibly could to push people away from me, all the while justifying this by saying that it didn't really matter. In reality, it mattered a great deal because I really didn't want to be the loner. I wanted to be liked but didn't know how to just let it happen. I either tried too hard or didn't try hard enough.

These days I'm more comfortable just being myself. I no longer want to put up a mask to the world about who I am. I'm seeing that I'm willing to dig deep within myself to get rid of all the mess that has festered for so long. I do believe that there are some people who are not capable of doing this without a lot of help. They may have therapists galore but until they understand that they aren't alone with their problems, I doubt many will be willing to go to the lengths necessary to present more than a superficial face to the world.

So I'm seeing that there are lots of real friends out there. They are the ones who still are around during the good, bad and ugly times. We don't have to go through a lot of posturing about who we are. We all share the same common problems and emotional issues. In short, we care about each other at a level that goes beyond superficiality.

Happy, joyous and free

Tonight's discussion was on how to be happy, joyous and free in all aspects of our life. For me, it has meant that I need to take what I get from working the steps and hear in meetings and use that information in my job, my home life, my travels and my other dealings. Essentially, my program is a road map for living.

It's been helpful for me to use the teachings of the program to understand how to deal with conflict and with other situations that used to cause me difficulty. In the past I have fled from conflict or internalized its affects to the extent that I was dragged down into a mire of self-pity and resentment.

Let's face it, there are difficult people everywhere. I figure that if I can keep my head and not react when a conflict arises, then I'm on the right path to serenity. I think that everyday there will be something that comes along to test me. It's just the way life is. If I can remember that I can choose to react or not, choose to stay in touch with my HP, and choose to start my day over if necessary, then I think I'm coming closer to being happy, joyous and free.

The God Box

(photo from http://americanhistory.si.edu/collections/toolbox/machin.html)

My sponsor first told me about the God Box. I had never heard of this and at first it seemed like an idea that I would ignore. I have quite a few boxes around--antique ones mainly. I've always liked boxes and my recent purchase was a machinist's chest from the late 1800's. Anyway, someone had given me a small wicker box that was just sitting on the window seat in the master bedroom.

So when I was having a really bad day about six months ago, I wrote down a prayer for a friend and placed it in this little wicker box that now was the God Box. Since then, I've written down the names of friends when they have troubles. Or I've written down more prayers when I need to just let go and let God. Now this little box holds all my character defects. Each day, I pull out a different one and work on it. The ones that are pulled out are going into a drawer of the machinist's chest. Those defects that I no longer have (from long ago) get examined and then tossed. The ones that I am stubborn about get put back in the God Box.

I like the idea of a random drawing of my character defects. The other day when I was cutting them out into strips to put into the God Box, I dropped a couple of them. I told my SO that I just lost a couple of defects. The look that I got was funny and the retort of "Well, I'm sure that you'll find them again." was even better. I'm glad that I was working on Irritability that day.

Feeling good

Today was a good day. I have felt amazingly good since I did the fifth step. It makes me feel that I have truly made progress.

I met up with some friends from out of town and did something that I have never done in this town before. I went for a carriage ride. It was a good time and an opportunity to hear some new facets about this historic town that I live near. My friends enjoyed the boat also and after they left I left the marina and anchored near the bird rookery again.

A weak cold front had come through and the temperatures were about 10 degrees cooler than they have been all week. There was a stiff breeze and it was a fantastic night on the boat.

I'm finding that I really look forward to my time on the boat. It's a time to reflect, meditate, and appreciate the beauty that surrounds me.

Fifth Step

I completed my Fifth Step last night with my sponsor. We began with the Third Step prayer and then basically, I began to talk about passages in my life and the feelings that accompanied them. At the end of my story, we talked about the various feelings and thought processes that had been part of each phase of my life. My sponsor made a list as I was talking of possible character defects. We then went over that list to see if I was in agreement. I also had a list and we went over that with the result that I have 50 character defects.

I was rigorously honest in what I brought up. Some of these defects are ones that are from the past and no longer are present; however, some are wedged in tight to my psyche and will take time to excise.

My sponsor suggested a couple of things. One is to write down each of the defects, cut out a slip of paper with each one listed, and put the slips of paper for all 50 in my God box. Then, each day I will draw out one defect to work on, pray about, and give up to my HP. The second thing to do is to make a list of those characteristics that I portray to the outward world and another list of those things that are really inside me.

So here is what I came up with:
Outwardly--confident, happy, free, calm, caring about others, deliberate
Inwardly--controlling, tense, obsessive, self-centered, fearful, critical, lonely, inhibited

This was a humbling but wonderful experience for me. I feel a lot of relief to have divulged things that I have never told another. I am grateful for the opportunity to share these things with another person.

"Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility." AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

The answers within

"Look within.....the secret is inside you." Hui-neng

Tonight I'm getting together with my sponsor to do Step Five. I know that the answers for my recovery are within me. Now it's time for me to divulge those answers and to move forward to take action on them. I have admitted to my HP and to myself the nature of my wrongs. Now I'm going to share those wrongs with another person who I trust.

I've asked myself before what is the exact nature of my wrongs. I think that now I know that the wrongs are those thoughts and actions that were born of self-seeking, fear, selfishness, and dishonesty. The assumptions that I have made about myself in the past have not been flattering. At last, I'm coming to grips with whether those assumptions are real or just a result of my character defects.

Alcoholism has taken a toll on my life. But as a result of working the steps, I am understanding that alcoholism doesn't have the power to ruin my life forever. Like a rain shower, I think that the fifth step will be a cleansing experience for me.

Getting on my knees

For the last few days, I've been doing something that I did when I was a child. I've gotten down on my knees to pray. My prayer is basically the same as when I was a child--I pray for my HP to help me to help myself.

I remember those nights of desperation when I was so confused and sad as a kid. I would pray over and over for strength and courage so that I could help fix myself. I would pray for my family and that they would be happy. Later, I stopped praying regularly and would only pray during those days when things at home were particularly bad. I've also prayed selfish prayers that I know now were not appropriate.

Last week when I got down on my knees for the first time in decades, it felt awkward, as if I were an actor in a movie. My mind was telling me that I was a fake. But I said the Serenity Prayer and then took some deep breaths and said what I needed to say: "Help me to help myself and watch over those that I love that they may find peace and joy in their lives. I am in need of guidance and strength as I continue this journey of life. Be my guide, my strength and my salvation."

After these words left me, I felt very peaceful and content. My mind was clear of agitation. I am seeing the power of this humble act and how it can change who I am and what I feel.

Resting

I'm still thinking about the wonders of this past weekend and couple of days off. Taking the boat into the historic creek in the photo above was fun and the sunset was wonderful. I can still hear the loud sounds of the thousands of birds on the sand bar rookery. They were having a party all night long. It's mating season so I'm sure there were cries of ecstasy. But after listening to them for most of the night, I have to say that they have stamina that is baffling, cunning, and powerful.

I'm in bad need of a night at home and early to bed. Today I'm catching up on things at the office but have a student's thesis to work on tomorrow and a lot of other work to do as well. I don't think that I'll make my Al-Anon meeting tonight since it would mean another late night for me. I am sleep deprived and worn out.

One of the sharings at the Al-Anon meeting last night was about hyperactivity. I could relate to those times when I tried to cram as much into my day as I could in order to avoid the feeling of emptiness. Now, I still stay busy but it's a much more healthy, energetic feeling that overtakes me now. It's a feeling of passion for the things that I do. So I'm going to take some time to rest, breathe, catch up, and chill out. My motto this week is to Keep It Simple. I think that by doing that, I'll be ready to tackle whatever comes my way for the rest of the week.

Catching Up

I can't believe that the time has gone by so quickly. I took Friday and Monday off from my real job to work on Serenity (whose name may be changed to Aurora). On Friday I launched Serenity at a boat landing which was an adventure in and of itself. Then we motored over to the marina where she will stay. The launching went relatively well considering that the mast had fallen earlier in the day when I tried to take it down. However, at the landing it went okay and I was able to get the mast in place with some help from a friend.

Getting to the marina was smooth and docking went well. After a long day with Serenity, I finally was able to go home and get some sleep.

On Saturday, I volunteered on the state's tall ship at a nearby maritime festival. It was a good time and the people who were visiting seemed to like the ship. There was a great band that I was looking forward to hearing but a thunderstorm put an end to that before it got started. Because of all the rain, I stopped to check on Serenity and found that the bilges needed emptying so I spent a couple of hours pumping them and mopping up some rain water. The cockpit was filled with water so I used that to flush out the engine. Once again, it was a late night due to Serenity.

Let's see--now I'm at Sunday which actually turned out to be relaxing and chilled out. I took the boat out and docked at a restaurant on a creek, got some dinner to go, and then anchored at a place called Crab Bank. It is a rookery for several species of birds who filled the air with their raucous cries and smelly guano. A terrific wind came up around 2 AM and the temperature dropped about 10 degrees. The anchor was dug in so the boat stayed put. I slept on board but awoke several times to check on things.

Later today, I sanded and put some varnish on the teak while a friend spliced some lines. It was hot at the marina but we got a lot accomplished in a short amount of time.

After that I went to my Al-Anon meeting where the topic was about grieving over a loss. I've grieved over the loss of feelings in my marriage. I've grieved the loss of people that I love. I've grieved my own lost emotions that were wasted for many years because I didn't know how to have fun or enjoy life. Now I see that the pendulum is swinging towards a place where I'm having fun, enjoying adventures, and making new friends. I miss each of you and will be checking up on what you've been up to tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to get some rest. I've had enough Serenity for a few days.

Lonely but not Alone

I've spent most of my life feeling apart. I've come to realize that many people in recovery, whether AA or Al-Anon, have felt this same way. Some days it borders on getting stuck in self pity to be lonely while on others I find that I revel in just being by myself.

The difference is that I know that I'm not alone anymore. I have my friends in the program, family who care, and my HP. So even though I may want companionship at times, I know that I can reach out now to others and there will be a friendly voice or a kind smile. Most importantly though, I can just be with myself and be satisfied. I'm finding that I'm not afraid of loneliness or loss as I was when I was a child. That's a big step for me.

Ready for Step Five

I've asked my sponsor to hear the exact nature of my wrongs. When I write that I get caught up in the words "the exact nature". Step Five isn't a complete confession in my mind but an explanation of the nature or root of all the wrongs that I have done. In taking this step I know that I can't blame others because it isn't about blame. It's about the root cause of the defects that I have. I think that for me much of the root cause is fear.

I can see that the first four steps have helped to bring about the need that I have to set things right with me. I am entirely ready to discuss the revelations that I have come to realize with my sponsor. I believe at this point, I'm ready to not defend myself but lay out those things that have made me miserable since I can remember. It has been hard word for a long time trying to be all things to all people. I no longer want to do that. I've never been perfect and have fooled no one but myself. I think that Step Five will help me to see what I need to change. And it will help me to verify that I am capable of changing.

Hot day

I was out in the field all day today. It was a gorgeous but very hot day to work on the water. I'm still mulling over what happened to my friend but have decided that she and the dominatrix need to discuss this and work out a solution. I'm staying out of this fight.

I wish that people would say what they mean and mean what they say. I also wish that in sharing people would realize that Less is More. We don't need to share everything or every detail. We need to be able to tell how it is now, how it was and how we came to recognize that Al-Anon had something to offer.

I'm still planning on attending as many Al-Anon and open AA meetings as I can. No one yet has kicked me out of an AA meeting, nor has anyone asked what I was doing there. I just need to move along and not get bogged down in life's injustices. It's a raw lesson in learning how not to be and how to give people the benefit of the doubt, just as I would want them to do for me. Maybe the heat's got my brain today or maybe I'm just learning how I don't want to be. There are good lessons to be learned from pain and sadness.

Some questions and few answers

The birthday celebrations were nice and the information on achieving independence through Al-Anon was good. It was a pleasure to hear each of the birthday celebrants tell about their interpretation of being independent in their thinking through recovery.

There was an unfortunate situation that arose that evening that I have questions about and few answers. The situation was this: I invited a friend who I met at an Al-Anon meeting to attend the meeting on Sunday evening. This lady has been in AA for quite some time; however, I've never asked her about sobriety or any other information about her time in AA.

Anyway, after the birthday celebration, the lady who has many years in Al-Anon and who tends to dominate the meeting said to my friend that she looked familiar. She also asked what brought her to Al-Anon. Now, my friend jumped in with both feet and proceeded to provide more information than was really needed. The lady then asked about my friend's sobriety date and she answered that she had been sober from alcohol for 8 years but had a slip with some pills 5 months ago. I knew as she was talking that she was laying herself wide open for a flaying. I watched the domanatrix as she asked these pointed questions that had no relevance to being at an Al-Anon meeting.

Later, my friend had tears streaming down her cheeks because she felt put on the spot and humiliated. She felt angry at herself for answering questions that had nothing to do with why anyone comes to Al-Anon. I talked to the dominatrix and she said that my friend had no place in Al-Anon but should go to AA or NA. She strongly expressed that Al-Anon isn't for AA's and that my friend needed to go to AA and not be in Al-Anon.

I don't get this. I don't believe this. I think that Al-Anon clearly states its purpose to be for families and friends who are troubled by someone else's drinking. There are many AA's who attend another Al-Anon meeting who are never asked to reveal their association with another 12 step program. There are many Al-Anon attendees who have a loved one who is an addict, not an alcoholic, yet no one ever tells them to not attend. Aren't we supposed to extend the hand of Al-Anon when anyone anywhere reaches out for help? That's what we say at every meeting. I'm wondering now whether that is just lip service at this particular meeting.

These types of things are serenity breakers for me and they could drive someone who needs help away. I'm not even sure how I would cope in this situation. I know that my gut tells me that these are questions that should never have been asked. I'm just sorry that my friend had this experience from someone who purports to have compassion.

A lot of birthdays

Tonight is a birthday celebration for several people at the first Al-Anon group that I ever attended. I walked in there when I was at an emotional bottom and tonight I'm going in to celebrate the birthday of the founder of that group.

She is a strong lady who has done a lot for a lot of people. She is also the most controlling person that I know and probably one of the most dominating. She rules that group and has expectations of her sponsees to basically make her their HP. It used to make me very uncomfortable but I've learned over the past few months to just let her do her thing. I'm very glad that she has so many years in the program (nearly 30) and that what she does works. She has a lot of pearls to share when ego isn't in the way. I am accepting of that and take what I like and leave the rest.

I think that there is a dinner for all her sponsees before the main meeting but I'm just going to go to the main discussion. Maybe that's my self will holding me back but I can only take an hour not three hours tonight. I'm happy for the three people who have their birthdays and am glad that I walked into that meeting and have kept going back.

Bilges

I powerwashed the boat today and cleaned out the bilges so that they are spotless. There isn't a single drop of oil or grunge anywhere. As for me, I looked like someone who just crossed the border in a hot box. I didn't look so clean but it's nothing that a good hot shower won't cure.

I worked hard all day and didn't have time to check up on email or how each of you is doing. It seems that Serenity is absorbing all my time lately. I like the double meaning of that. Having serenity absorb my time is a good thing because as I'm working on one type of serenity I'm receiving the other type. It's peaceful and tiring, with progress being made and humility thrown in for good measure.

I am planning on getting back to each of you as soon as possible. I miss you and hope that each of you is doing well.

Deciding on a slip

Hmmm...talking about a slip may not be a good topic but the kind of slip that I'm immediately thinking of is at a marina. Even though Serenity? is on a trailer, after having dealt with the mast over the past few days, I'm thinking that it would be a good idea to lease a slip at a local marina for a year.

There's a really nice marina that's not too far away that is actually my favorite and has the best prices. It has easy access to the Harbor which is good. It sure would make life easier to be able to drive to the marina and just go for a sail anytime that I wanted. Plus, it's nice to be able to spend the night on the boat in the slip if I'm tired.

Anyway, the slips that I'm thinking of hold boats and ease the way. The other slips that I know of are those that seem to be born of self will and ego run riot. If you pray to your HP in the morning, go to meetings, have a sponsor, and express gratitude at the end of the day, how can you slip? This is a simple program that really works if you work it.

I'm going to slip into my weekend and hope that each of you has a peaceful few days to do what you like.

The circle game

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when you're older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him,
Take your time, it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

Joni Mitchell

I've always found this song by Joni Mitchell sad yet filled with promise. It's true that when we're young, everything is a wonder. I can remember clearly that the days of summer seemed to be the happiest because I could play with my friends or by myself and be happy either way. Everything was new and exciting.

Just as the lyrics say, it wasn't long before I saw that time was fleeting and life was changing to focus on responsibilities. But now I'm seeing that I don't have to get lost in drudgery. I can still dream, and those dreams are just as good and maybe better than those that I had when younger. I think that there will be lots to enjoy in life before that last revolving year is through.

Fourth of July

This is the view looking out over the Harbor just before the fireworks began. The weather was perfect yesterday, almost like a fall day with a clear blue sky and nice temperatures. The beach wasn't crowded and it was nice to sink my feet into the warm sand and just watch the show.

I like the feel of holidays when I see people just having a good time. There were kids making sand castles and people with pillar candles lit lying on blankets. It was a really nice evening.

Lunch with my sponsor is always a treat. I always learn so much and it is nice to have this person trust me and me to trust back. What a lucky person I am to have my sponsor and this program. Every day I am grateful for those things and the events that propelled me to get help for myself. It works, it really does.

I hope that everyone had a good Fourth whether with family, friends or just in harmony with your own being.

Serenity?

My boat has been a blessing and a lesson. I've been thinking about a name for her. I think that she will be called "Serenity?". The question mark gives me the option on that given day to see whether it will be a serene trip on her or an aggravation. Over the last few days, I've experienced both feelings. There has been aggravation with the mast and serenity when I've completed something like oiling the teak. I see the ups and downs. I think that this boat will teach me a lot about dealing with extremes.

I got some fireworks today and lit off a couple of bottle rockets. Funny how it brings out the kid in me. Just playing around with a few sparklers and rockets is a happy feeling. I'm looking forward to meeting my sponsor for lunch tomorrow and going to see the big fireworks over the harbor at night. Then I'll get home and have my own little show. Not a bad way to celebrate the Fourth. At least no one around me will be celebrating with a fifth. I'm thankful for that.

Shortcomings

Today I completed stepping the mast and got the boat into it's location in the yard. I also put oil on the teak and got some supplies. The teak was dry and really needed oiling. It is amazing to see the difference in the wood after having oiled it. It just soaked up the oil and now glows with a nice patina.

At my meeting last night, we discussed Step Seven--Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. The key for me to this is to think about humility which is acceptance of myself and others and also having honesty about myself. I can think think about my shortcomings with true honesty. My sponsor told me that he had a list of around 70 shortcomings. I think through my Step Four work, I have found my major shortcomings. They are numerous but not overwhelming. I don't feel blocked by them or ill at ease about them. I know that they will be removed as I continue with my program. I'm willing to give up my shortcomings and defects. I'm willing to be the best person that I can be with the help of my HP.

It's like the old dry wood. I'm receiving something soothing that will put the necessary nourishment back into me so that I can be soothed and smooth. I learn something new about myself at every meeting I attend. I am grateful for this program.

We pause when agitated

Today was a day of agitation and irritation. I worked hard to get the mast up and finally got that done. Once stepped though, I found that the forestay wire was twisted at the top of the mast. I thought that all the wires were straight but had missed the forestay. So there was a great feeling of irritation. I'm starting to think that the boat should be named Serenity Breaker.

At the meeting today though, I heard something that helped to put the frustration in perspective. On page 87-88 of the Big Book, it says:
"As we go through the day we pause,when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. We become much more self-sufficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not buring up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. "

This made me think about the agitation that I had experienced during the day. It made a lot of difference in how I now thought about stepping the mast. Just to pause and breathe and not get caught up in being irritable. It will be done in time.

Stepping the mast

Today I worked on stepping the mast. There are shrouds and stays that had to be straightened out and the mast pinned. It is a heavy lifting job to get the mast stepped and pinned. One of the problems was that after pulled the boat from the water to my yard, I had to find a clear spot that didn't have a tree canopy. That was a problem because there are a lot of trees here.

In short, it made things much more difficult because every time I nearly got the mast raised, I'd run into a large branch. So then the mast would have to be lowered and the boat moved slightly. I finally gave up and decided just to clean the boat and save the raising until tomorrow.

I'm making small steps with the boat. I have missed going to my meetings and will go tomorrow. I need to make some small steps in my program and attitude as well.