A nice evening

We had a nice time tonight. The restaurant that I had originally planned to go to was very crowded and loud, so we discussed going to another one that we like that is less popular but has good food. We actually laughed out loud about things and didn't get into anything heavy or morose. It was as if the last few days had been forgotten in favor of having some playful time. I enjoyed hearing her laughter and seeing the sparkle come back. I enjoyed the company and happy comfortable feeling. We stayed in the moment which was a good place to be.

I'm grateful that we were able to share our happiness in that moment. I'm grateful that we didn't talk about anything related to the past or the future. I'm also grateful for a restaurant that was happy and upbeat. Now, I'm off to get some contented sleep.

Living the blues

Lately, it would appear that my life is playing out like an old blues song. But it seems that the emotional upheavals that come in relationships don't make me want to give up. Instead, I'm finding that if I use what I've learned in Al-Anon, I can get through these rough times without backsliding.

While things aren't great at home, they haven't deteriorated any further. I've had to make clear a painful boundary but it's one that was going to come out anyway. I'm glad that I didn't feel guilty about explaining the boundary and was able to do it in a loving way.

I went down to the boat last night. My dock neighbors have split up. I liked both of these people but they've decided that for the time being, they have to be apart. One of the fellows said that being unselfish and giving space to the other was true love. I would agree. I know that I need my space right now even if for a couple of hours. I'm feeling calm and accepting.

My SO and I have made a date for Friday night. I'm just doing my best to have no expectations and have none put on me. Just living in the moment is going to have to suffice.

I thought that the following would add some humor to this whole blues thing (from http://www.fast-consulting.com/toys/blues.htm):

You ARE qualified to write or sing the blues if:

You ARE NOT qualified to write or sing the blues if:

You shot (or stabbed) a man (or woman) in Memphis. Your first name is the same as a southern state, such as Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and so on. Other acceptable names for men are Joe, Willie, Little Willie, or Lightnin’. Women may use the names Sadie, Big Mama, or Bessie. If your name is Sierra or Sequoia, you will not be permitted to write or sing the blues, no matter how many men (or women) you shot (or stabbed) in Memphis. For more information, see Supplemental Naming Information, below. You're blind (or at least no better than 20/400 vision in one or more eyes). You just can't be satisfied.

You were blind once, but now you can see (whether through corrective lenses or divine intervention). You're deaf. You have a trust fund. Your house has more than one bathroom. Your name is Julio Iglesias or Barbra Streisand. NOTE: Teenagers are not permitted to write or sing the blues. The blues is an adults-only situation. By adult, we mean that you must be old enough to disregard the electric chair if you shot (or stabbed) a man (or woman) in Memphis.

Needing solitude

I left work yesterday because I couldn't think anymore and needed to be alone. My SO asked for a divorce. I'm not fearful about that but have a lot of grief over the many years that we have been together. I know in my heart that I have and still am committed to her. What Judith (Vicarious Rising) wrote in her blog really pulled at me: "...marriage can be either a repeat of your past and return to the familiar or, if you get it right, it can be the completion of your adulthood, filling in the gaps of your weaknesses and helping heal what went wrong in the past."

My parents were married over 50 years. My SO's parents have been married 60 years. I have spent over half my life married and all but the last year of it has been with an active alcoholic. She is now sober but not in true recovery. I am in recovery but working hard to stay in the day and keep the focus on myself. When I slide into self-pity, I get very lost.

I want to have a relationship that lasts and I want to make this thing work. Yet, we are like two people who have diverged so far from what we once were. I am willing to try but am weary of the upheaval that has occurred over the past year. I was told that the first year in recovery can be very confusing. It has been that and so much more. I am no longer who I was before. I don't want to go back to being who I was before.

So when I left work yesterday, I went to my sailboat. I talked to my sponsor on the way there and was told to meditate. I said the Serenity Prayer over and over until I finally fell asleep. When I awoke, I felt calm and much less fearful. I have to just let this play out. I know that whatever happens, it was deigned to be.

Watching the light go out

At the meeting last night, I read from one of the books about how to stop hurting others as we work through recovery. One of the readings asked the question, "Have you ever watched the light go out of someone's eyes?" I can visualize that because I've not only seen it but have contributed in many ways to it. While one could interpret the reading as referring to death and dying, it really was referring to how unkind words and sarcasm can take the light away.

I've felt the light in my own eyes ebb over the years. It wasn't due to alcohol or drugs but to a loss of spirit and an emptiness within. But I've contributed through my own selfishness and fears to diminishing the light in other's eyes. Thankfully, I didn't have the power to extinguish that light.

Through the program, I'm coming to terms with the harms that I have done. I'm working at trying to balance my character defects with some positive affirmations. Today has been a day to not only think about the wrongs that I have done but to try as hard as I can to forgive myself.

The HP has been working so hard today in my life. My SO found and read my fourth step inventory and is having a hard time coming to grips with what was written. The application of the Ninth Step of making direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others is not an option for me now. The harms are there, indelibly imprinted and have filled her eyes with tears. I'm doing what I can to affirm my love and caring. I'm not sure that anything will work this time so I've got to just let it go this evening and trust that somehow this fits into the HP's plan.

Do you remember those days?

Now that kids are back in school here, I was thinking about how great it was to read just what I wanted to read when I was a kid. I would send away for books and eagerly await their arrival. Some of these were ones that I wasn't allowed to check out of the library or weren't available there. I remember my fascination with reading all of Robert Ruark's novels on Africa. I remember reading Gone with the Wind and wondering what the hell was wrong with Scarlett. I remember reading all of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and wondering about the meandering sentences of Faulkner's great novels. Just the titles would make me dream: Light in August, As I Lay Dying, Intruder in the Dust, the Sound and the Fury. It was only later after I read the biographies that I learned that these literary greats were alcoholic and had a lot of other issues going on. But at that time, I didn't realize that their writing was linked with their pain.

Reading has always been one of the best ways that I know to relax and stay serene. It is like a journey for me. It was also an outlet for a small town dreamer. After all the years, I still find great comfort in books. There are stacks on the night table. I have the daily Al-Anon readers, the Big Book, the AA Twelve and Twelve, a couple of books on islands in the Chesapeake Bay, and a book on oceanographic discoveries. That's this week's pile.

But in the days when school was out and I could read as much as I wanted, I would collect books for my own library. My tastes were eclectic then as they are now. I had natural history books, art books, and novels. I would open each carefully, smell the pages, drape my long legs across the porch glider, and read until dark would come. It was magic for me. And it pretty much still is.

Another great weekend

It seems that my life today is on a path of happiness. I know that my own mind can cause things to go awry if I'm not working the program but for the moment all seems okay. I had a brief trip out of town, followed by some time back home just relaxing.

I took my laptop with me while I was away but never even opened it. For some reason, I just felt like enjoying some down time without emails or any other reminders of things that I needed to get done. I just wanted to take the time to relax, get one commitment that I had to do completed, and then just wander around, eat at a nice restaurant, and generally be lazy.

I had some work that I could have done but I just didn't want to do anything that would interfere with the freedom and happiness that I felt. It is uncharacteristic of me to think this way. I've always been the one who had to get going, work on things, felt responsible, and felt guilty for not doing. I seem to have lost my guilt and my urge to be busy. I want to do those things that feel good and that simply allow me to exist in a peaceful state. Some days I think that I may be shirking too much responsibility and feeling too good. Maybe it's the pink cloud or the fourth dimension or some altered state of mind but whatever it is, I know that my way of thinking is very different than it was before I came into the program. For that, I'm grateful.

What I am is what I am

I'm not aware of too many things,
but I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.
Religion is the smile on a dog.
I'm not aware of too many things,
but I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Chuck me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
What I am is what I am.
Are you what you are - or what?

lyrics Edie Brickell

What I am is a good person who tries to do the right thing.
What I have is compassion and love for others whether they are beautiful or not.
What I know is that I've gained inner strength through this program.
What I'm aware of is a happiness that has eluded me for years.
What I am is not who I was before.

What I am not is perfect.
What I don't have is the ability to make these changes by myself.
What I don't know is how it all works but it does.
What I can't do is change others, only myself.
What I am not is the same person I was before.

It's true that there is a new freedom and a new happiness that comes when I am willing and have humility. I feel contented right now. It's a good feeling.

Inner child

It seems that because this is the eighth month there have been a lot of Step 8 meetings. Tonight's step study was about the eighth step: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Although the list comes largely from my step four list, there is also room for additions.

I think that one of the entities at the top of my list will be the little child within me. That child didn't get a good kind of nurturing growing up. The child tried hard to please but didn't get a lot of positive strokes back. That child was brave but often felt fearful and confused. Later that child got stifled in an attempt to be grown up, perfect and organized. The child within also hid when confrontations occurred, lashed out when cornered, and cried when in pain.

So first on my list will be I. I know how I can now make amends to me for not really living my life to the fullest over the years and for not forgiving myself for the past. From now on, I am taking good care of that inner child. I'm thankful for a program that helps me to realize that I'm never too old or too worn down to listen to the voice within and make amends.

Random things

Mark tagged me for 8 random things about myself. It seems like I've done this before on here. I'm not sure how random these are but I'll try to do them rapidly so they might be somewhat random:
1. My first job was working at a marine institute where I dumped dead oysters out of jars. And I did it for free, volunteering for the summer.
2. My favorite car that I've owned was a red 1968 Mustang.
3. I would really like to visit exotic places like Cairo, Calcutta, and the Amazon and others that I've read about.
4. I've been down to over 2000 meters in a submersible.
5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday
6. I used to do oil and acrylic painting and took private art lessons for 5 years.
7. I have volunteered at homeless shelters and at a halfway house for the mentally ill.
8. I used to own a thoroughbred horse who raced at Pimlico.

Okay, I'm supposed to tag others so I guess that I'll tag Mary Christine, dAAve, Tab, Lash, Kel, Shannon, Matty, and Pat. Sorry guys....

Taking stock

I am tired but grateful today. I spent the morning just enjoying being at home, sleeping in later than usual and then reading the paper. It felt secure and nice to be home. My SO and I worked in the yard and that rekindled a lot of things that we used to do. The Saturdays and Sundays when we would work around the house and yard. I was at home more then. I liked the feeling that it brought today. We talked about the danger of last night on the boat. We talked about the cats and the dogs. We just talked. I liked that a lot. It was like the old days with the difference that she is sober. Maybe we can have more good times together. I am so hopeful.

Confused seas

I met my match with the wind and waves tonight. I took my boat out after work. A stiff breeze was blowing and there was a lot of wave action in the Harbor. Everything was fine while I was sailing in the Harbor. I had the jib and the mainsail up. I was moving right along. And it was a great feeling to finally have some good wind and be able to fly.

I was heading towards a mooring in a creek near the mouth of the Harbor. There are jetties ahead of me and a major obstruction on one side. After turning at the lower range in the Harbor, I began heading into the large creek. This is an area where the seas are very confused. There are shoals and big waves are normally there. Because the wind was blowing directly from where I wanted to go,I had to do a lot of tacking. A few times, I pointed too hard into the wind and came about when I didn't want to. It was now dark and there were big rollers coming in. The boat was heeling over so that I could almost reach out and touch the water.

For a few minutes, I realized that this situation could easily get out of control. I realized that it wouldn't take much to get into real trouble at night and in close quarters with obstacles on either side. Finally, after a lot of tacking, I made it into the creek. The waves were rocking everything in the creek and the wind was blowing hard here also. It was very hard to get the sails down and put away. Thankfully, I got anchored and was able to finally sit down and let the adrenaline in my body dissipate.

I learned a valuable lesson. Once again, I was reminded that there are things beyond my control. I beat on myself hard for not being more skilled and not doing things right. Then, I realized that I can only do the best that I can. I made a lot of mistakes but they didn't lead me to disaster. I will get better as I learn more. In the meantime, I need to be cautious about throwing myself into dangerous situations. I know that once again my HP was looking over me.

Being honest in our program

How many times have you gone to a meeting or just met with some friends and they'll ask, "How are you?" At a meeting, the people are ready to hear the real truth whether it's good or bad. On the outside world though, there are people who remove themselves from you mentally and sometimes physically when you tell the truth. They don't want to hear that you're miserable, sad, angry, or otherwise generally a mess. I have to laugh when I say, "Oh, I'm just fine (or F.I.N.E.)" because there can be a double meaning.

I generally don't want to socialize with people outside the program when I feel down. It's because I don't want to drag them down or be a damper on the situation. And it's also because I want to tell the truth but the truth will be hard for them to take. At a meeting though, it's okay for me to be just the way that I am. That's one of the wonders of the program. We can tell it like it is without any fear of reprisal or recriminations.

As I noted in an earlier post, I'm having a hard time with being honest in my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife but know that if I tell her the truth right now, it will be very painful for both of us. The truth is that while I love her, I'm not in love; although she is a fine person and loves me a lot, I need to spend time away from her. I know that this hurts and baffles her. I know that she wants me at home with her and not off on adventures. And knowing these things, makes me feel a lot of compassion and desire not to hurt her.

My sponsor says that the answer will come in time and that my HP will guide me as I move toward a solution. I'm not sure what I want the solution to be, so for today I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm going to live my life to the fullest that I can. I'm going to ask my HP to help me see a clear path and walk down it. And I'm going to ask my HP to watch over my wife who I love very much and show her a path that leads towards recovery.

Dispelling the myths

I've heard a lot of jokes and humor regarding the Al-Anon program. I don't take offense at them because there often is a misunderstanding of what the program is about. What it isn't is a program that bashes or promotes criticism of the alcoholic. In fact, Al-Anon encourages compassion towards the alcoholic. It is really about those who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.

I've listened many times over the past year to a lot of pain coming from women and men who are living with active alcoholism. They cry in pain because someone they love is either dying from the disease or is killing the feelings that used to bind the family together. Sure, they want the person to stop but they have come to the realization that nothing that they say or do will cause the alcoholic to stop. They are powerless over people, places, things and alcoholism.

I suppose for some alcoholics, Al-Anon is viewed as a threat. I've heard that said but haven't witnessed it openly. Maybe in some cases, the non-alcoholic is viewed as an enemy or as critical. Maybe if the non-alcoholic is in recovery, it will be hard for the active alcoholic to deny what is happening. I'm not sure whether there is fear that if the "normal" person recovers, then the behavior of the alcoholic won't be tolerated. The Al-Anon members that I know are struggling themselves to just be able to laugh and maintain a sense of normalcy. They are struggling with their recovery and working their program to become happy, joyous and free.

Another misconception about Al-Anon is that the members have only active alcoholics in their lives. Al-Anon is for anyone affected by alcoholism whether the person is still drinking, is dead, or geographically removed from the home. In my case, there was emotional damage from years of living with a father who drank heavily and a spouse who was an active alcoholic. I felt lost and helpless and had built up a lot of defenses to deal with alcoholism. It was killing me and I didn't drink.

Another misconception is that people who go to Al-Anon go for the alcoholic. Everyone that I know in Al-Anon understands that by going to meetings, the loved one will not become or stay sober. Instead Al-Anon is to help me lead a better life.

With the alcoholics in my life, I well understand the desire to try and control the behavior of the drinker. I grew up learning to ignore my own feelings and to focus on the feelings/behavior of the alcoholics in my life. Al-Anon has helped me to put the focus back on myself and to take responsibility for my own life. My experience in Al-Anon is that working my own program and focusing on my own healing has created changes in those who are around me in a way that my earlier attempts never did.

Removing these defects of character

My character defects are getting removed from the God box one day at a time. A couple of them are still overwhelming so I put them back in the box and substitute another that I can address. I can see the ways that these defects have been an impediment in my life. I’ve clung to them in hopes that they would get me through life. Now I’ve found that they were largely the reason that living life never felt satisfactory and happy.

In my readings I find that the key principle of Step Six is readiness. Am I ready to get rid of those things that have cost me dearly? Am I ready to have a new life in which I try to be the best that I can be? I know that I am. I don't want to cling to those things that haven't worked. I can feel now what works. I know that not all of the defects will be removed immediately. They have been entrenched in my psyche for a long time. This is a lifelong process for me.

I don't feel entrenched in the resentments, fear, self-pity, or envy of the past. There are still things that I'm dealing with in my personal relationship regarding dishonesty. I am struggling with how to tell someone who loves me a great deal that I no longer feel the same type of love that I did before. But as this step states, I just need to be entirely ready and willing to have my HP to guide me as I give up the things that have blocked my mind and heart.

Animal noises

It was hard for me to get to a meeting on this trip because of being on the road so much. I took my reading material with me and was able to do those daily readings and think about the context of my situation. Another great thing though was having a number of downloads for my IPod. The Joe and Charlie Big Book Study series was great to listen to. I’ve listened to this series before but I never tire of hearing it again. Both of these guys are funny and great story tellers. They present the BB in an entertaining but didactic manner. After about 8 hours of listening to them, I feel totally immersed in the BB.

They also tell some jokes that include Al-Anons. One of them goes like this:

An AA, an Al-Anon and an AlAteen were traveling. They needed directions and stopped at a farm house. The farmer said that it would be fine for them to spend the night since it was late and they would travel better in the morning when it was light. The only problem was that there was room for only two of them in the house and one would have to sleep in the barn with the animals. So the alcoholic volunteered to go to the barn. After an hour, there was a knock on the door and the alcoholic stood there looking forlorn. The alcoholic said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” The AlAteen then spoke up and said, “I’ll go to the barn and sleep with the animals. I like animals and won’t have a problem at all.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door and the AlAteen stood there looking very tired and said, “I can’t sleep for all the mooing, grunting, crowing, and neighing. I need to move to the house to get some sleep.” So the Al-Anon stepped forward and said, “ I knew that I would be the one to go out there and deal with all of this. I’ll gladly go to the barn.” After about an hour, there was a knock at the door. The farmer thought “What now?” Upon opening the door and looking out, the farmer saw all the chickens, cows, horses, and pigs standing there looking back at him.

I have to laugh at how many portray Al-Anons. I finally am getting the fact that in recovery there is nothing more powerful than a long-time Al-Anon. For me, I guess that I would have just laid down amongst the animals and been put to sleep by their animal noises. Live and let live.

The Road Back

I have missed a few days blogging largely because I have been on the road constantly. After visiting my cousin and his wife, I went to Fredericksburg, VA and toured some of the battlefields there. My mother was the historian in the family, but I've always been moved by the horrible conflict that was the War Between the States.

Wilderness, Chancellorsville, and the battle of Fredericksburg are synonymous with the horrors of that conflict. But to see Gettysburg is something to behold. I toured there on Saturday afternoon. I've never been before. There's a two hour tour that describes the strategies of the armies, the losses, the civilian tragedies and the monuments erected on the battlefield. There are many monuments. The vista is beautiful but to be on that field of battle must have been hell on earth. I think that the most moving for me was to see the faces of the men on the wall in the Visitor's Center. So many who died so young.

Keeping in the historic vein, I went into DC and toured the Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum. I've been to both many times before but there is always something new to see. I think that the museums provided a diversion from visiting the battlefields and the afternoon spent with my cousin. It was nice to sit in the planetarium and gaze at the stars and see so many people, young and old, fascinated by the exhibits.

Now I'm back home and thankful for having a few days that provided a wide diversity of things to think about. I enjoyed every day of this trip. It was a chance to revisit some places where I had endless hours of fun when I was younger and a chance to visit new places that are totally thought provoking. And a chance to visit a person who shared my childhood with me. Lots of things to mull over for sure.

I hope to catch up on everyone tomorrow. Lately, time has flown by.

My cousin

I visited my cousin this evening. He has deteriorated a lot since the last time I saw him. He cannot walk, he has no use of his right side and he only verbalizes a couple of things over and over. One of the things that he says over and over is "I'm crazy" and the other thing that he says is "Help me God". I sat with him and talked to him. He asked me how my mother is and I said that she is very peaceful. She has been dead for two years. He put his hand out to me and I shook it and held it. I cut his fingernails. I felt very peaceful and so thankful for the day that I had and the time that I spent with him. I know that it won't be long for him. I could just sense that. But one never knows the day or the hour.

His wife told me that this is the darkest hour before the miracle. She said that the dead neurosurgeons are working hard on his brain and that all will be well soon. I smiled and told her that I knew that all would be well. Whatever happens, he will finally be cured and at peace. It will be time for his miracle to occur shortly. I just wish that he had the benefit of this great program because I believe that it makes one more accepting of whatever is tossed our way. I know that it has helped me in so many ways.

Relatives

I'm heading off tomorrow to visit some relatives in another state. I'm not particularly looking forward to this visit for several reasons. First, my cousin who is my closest living relative and who has been more like an older brother to me has terminal brain cancer. He has beaten the odds and is still living after two years from diagnosis; however, the quality of his life isn't good. The disease has reduced him from being a witty, bright, athletic person to someone who can't walk, has difficulty speaking, and doesn't make any sense when he does speak. So, I'm not sure whether this is going to be the last time I'll see him but I am sure that it will be difficult to see him as he now is.

Another difficulty of the visit is his wife who has turned to spirit healers for help. The healers have told her that five dead neurosurgeons are visiting my cousin and are working on his brain to restore it. They have replaced the plate in his head with a purple glowing shield. I am glad that she is consoling herself in some way but this all seems like huge denial to me. She has also decided to completely give up living a life and spends her entire day caring for my cousin. I will definitely have to practice my slogan of "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut" around her.

I've had generally crazy relatives. On my father's side, there were the alcoholics and on my mother's side there were the depressed people. I'm lucky that I don't drink and that I haven't had to be hospitalized for depression so far. Hopefully, I'll escape having to visit any of the remaining ones that are around as this visit is primarily to see my cousin. I'm sure that seeing him will be difficult but I feel a lot of compassion for him. I'm hoping that my HP gives me strength to get through this visit.

Rough diamonds

I was talking to a friend last night about his years in AA and how it all worked for him. He is one who was willing to go to any length to stay sober. He told me that when we come into a recovery program, we are like a diamond in the rough. There are lots of rough edges. After we go to enough meetings and rub up against enough people, those edges become smooth. And eventually if we stay at it enough, a beautifully cut stone is formed. I thought that this was a nice analogy.

I still have the rough edges. Some things have smoothed out for me. But there are others that remain. My response to criticism is one of the triggers that sets off bad stuff in my head. I know how to recognize it when it occurs but all too often it will sneak up on me when I'm least expecting it.

I've read a lot about reactions to vitriol from another person. Even though I don't act out or give sharp words back, I do something that is totally unproductive: I let the anger from the other person make me feel diminshed. Sometimes by letting the anger get into my system when it's projected by another, I can become indignant rather than just shrugging and letting it go.

My sponsor likes to say that "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." It's funny because when I first heard that I thought "Well, I guess that I need to remember that when the next asshole offers an opinion". What I really need to do is to see that I just may be rubbing against a person who has the rough edges still and that by doing so, maybe some of mine and that of the other person will be smoothed a bit.

Appreciation

I got a call this morning from a lady who was at the meeting last night. She told me there how much she liked what I had to say. This morning she reiterated that and said that I was an inspiration for her. I guess that I need to deal with compliments better because I get the "aw shucks" thing going in my head when it happens.

My sponsor has told me that telling my story is for me. And that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I expected lights and things to go off but in the end, it was a meeting in which I got to talk for most of it. I didn't see any visions or feel lighter. I was relieved but also cognizant of the fact that I have much more progress to make.

And I have to admit that I'm troubled by the fact that the dominatrix asked me how I became so smart in a year and if I wrote what I put together. What does that mean? When I replied yes, she rolled her eyes and looked at another person in the group. Is this middle school? I simply couldn't mention it on here yesterday as it was just too numbing to write about. It was a big diffuser for me--like the air was let out of a tire. I'm wondering what I will derive from being around someone who appears so controlling and such a fierce guardian of her power. I'm seeing that my lack of trust in her is building a resentment. It's something that I need to deal with.

Every day I hear outstanding things at meetings that I go to. Each person who shares says something worth while. Some express things better than others but if I really listen, the message is there. I don't feel envy or fear when I listen. Just gratitude and appreciation that this person had the courage to say what they had to say.

Maybe I'm just working too hard at my recovery. I've approached everything previously from a scholarly angle. This isn't a scholarly program but a spirtual one. I can not forget that.

Al-Anon birthday

I had a nice day today. I celebrated my first year in Al-Anon in the evening and in the morning got to wake up after sunrise and go for a swim to the nearby beach. It was a hot day today but the morning was cool and the water felt great. I like to walk the beach naked. It's deserted early and if someone starts to show up in a boat, I can just get in the water and then swim to the sailboat. It's a nice way to start off the day. By this afternoon though, the breeze had died down and I motored back to the marina. It's was also very hot.

I went to the group where I attended my first Al-Anon meeting and shared my life story there. It was actually not hard at all, although I don't particularly like being the center of attention. One of my friends from another meeting came which was nice. My sponsor gave me my chip and a card signed by the other members of the group. I asked at the end that people talk about their defining moment for being in the program. I was surprised that so many people came over to say that they always get something out of what I share. That was kind of them.

Interestingly enough, the dominatrix asked for a copy of what I wrote and also asked me how I got so smart in one year. I told her that I was born that way and also worked at my program. I don't think that I'll provide a copy of what I wrote. I don't know why but I have a feeling that her asking for it doesn't have much to do with her thinking that it was good. Just a gut feeling that always seems to have an uncanny way of being right on.

On this day, which is all that I have, I am in a far better place than I was a year ago. Instead of being in anguish, I have joy and know that I have choices. Instead of apartness, I’ve made new friends. Instead of feeling empty, I have gratitude and a spiritual guide. Instead of anger, I feel a great deal of peace. Instead of fakery, I feel strong and able to be me. I'm so glad that I have a sponsor who has been a guide to me in this program. Someone who is genuinely good and who practices the steps in all affairs. That's a great accomplishment and a good goal to strive for.

Redneck Riviera

Today was mostly spent on the boat anchored off an island near the harbor. It's a place that I call the Redneck Riviera because there are usually several boats that sport the Confederate flag and filled with people who play loud country music and drink a lot of beer. The good news is that they are generally gone at dark because they don't sleep on their boat.

So if I get to my anchorage around 8 PM, I don't have too long to wait before the island beach is deserted and I can just sleep peacefully and get in a good swim the next morning.

Today was no exception. The music was blaring, the people screaming, and the beer being guzzled. Thankfully, at dark the boats left and I had a quiet evening. Watching the stars and listening to the waves crashing on the shore isn't a bad way to spend time. There are just some special days that cancel out the ones that haven't been so good. And it's the special ones that I choose to remember.

Seventh Tradition

I went to an AA meeting last night which I really enjoyed. It was at St. Thomas Reformed Anglican Church which itself is an historic structure. The topic was on the Seventh Tradition. I had read in the 12 x 12 about the Seventh Tradition but it was nice to hear the topic discussed in a meeting. I also felt very welcomed and glad to share since it was a small meeting.

Someone mentioned that it's important to give what you feel like giving and another mentioned that he always gives the cost of his last drink. I thought that was a good idea. I mentioned that after all the therapy that I've had, I've gotten more for my voluntary contribution at meetings than anywhere else. I also mentioned that it was a good thing that the hospitals that Dr. Bob and Bill W. wanted to start never materialized. It would have changed the entire focus of AA. The program has reached so many more people by being the way that it is rather than trying to concentrate on alcoholics in hospitals. The HP had a hand in that I'm sure.

Thankfully I made it home without too many hitches today. Although the airlines are never on time, I just don't sweat it anymore. The guy next to me was having a fit about delays, etc. As long as the pilot can fly the plane, I figure that I'm ahead of the game.

I'm grateful that it's the weekend and I'll get to go sailing before my birthday meeting on Sunday. I'm still trying to catch up on missed blogs, etc.

Baring it all

Sunday will be the first time that I share my story. My first anniversary in Al-Anon is August 13 but I'll be out of town on that date so I'm going to celebrate it on August 5. I haven't planned to bare everything at this meeting since it's the one that has the dominatrix ensconced as the queen. It isn't my home group but it's where my sponsor will give me my chip. This group will get the watered down version. On August 6, I will also share at my home group. I have several friends who are coming to that one. I won't go on and on about my life history but will provide pieces of background that are pertinent to my experience.

I've decided that for both groups I'm going to finish up early and ask that we discuss what was the defining thing that brought us to recovery. For me, it was an emptiness, a marriage that was failing, a loss of interest in living, and a realization that I needed help that couldn't be gotten through therapy. It it weren't for a friend who told me about the program, I would still be struggling to live.

Thanks to all of you who share about yourself and bare all in your blogs. Your honesty and courage is an inspiration to me and many others. I am getting there and it feels so good.

Island Time

It's easy to be swayed by the exoticism of this place. But it's a haven for tourists and they are the main income. I took a water taxi over to the main part of town today. There were a lot of shops, especially jewelry, but what appealed to me was the open market where there was all kinds of stuff for sale. I bought some gifts for friends and my SO. Just some stuff to take back as a surprise.

I liked the Charlotte Amalie harbor. It is a beautiful spot but I couldn't help but think how beautiful it must have been before all the tourists came. But the life style of the islanders must have been so much worse because slavery was still occurring and sugar cane was the main crop. It's definitely a seductive place but not somewhere that I would choose to live.

I'm missing home a bit today. The conference is going okay but tomorrow will be the real deal when the money for the various regions is discussed. I'm hoping to get an increase for one of my research projects but with funding for research so tight, it will remain to be seen how that goes.

I am looking forward to flying home on Friday and getting on my sailboat on Saturday. I want to be on my own island on my own time.

In St. Thomas

I had to go to a work-related meeting in St. Thomas for one of my projects. I got in today and am staying at an over-priced resort where the conference is being held. It's actually the same resort where the AA Virgin Islands conference will be held this fall. I have the list of meetings that are being held but I'm not sure that I'll make them because of the work meetings that go on all day. The resort is also isolated but hopefully I'll get one of the AA meetings while I'm here.

This is a beautiful place but overpriced to the max and booze is pushed everywhere. There are shots of a rum drink lined up as you come off the airplane. I would think that an alcoholic would have to be very careful here. I did have a great dinner at a place called Havana Blue tonight. Good food with good service. I had dinner by myself which was nice and I actually enjoyed my own company.

I'm off to get some rest. I was up at 4:30 this morning to get to the airport. I'm grateful for a safe flight and for minimal hassles in getting here.