Weekend is over

It was a good weekend for sailing but not such a good one for my back. There was a strong NE wind at around 20 mph and there were spring tides. The day was crisp and clear, actually feeling like fall. Compass Rose flew through the water and performed well.

After getting anchored, I waded to shore and went for a couple of miles along the beach. It's a beautiful place to walk and with the sunset and surf rolling in, it was a perfect evening. Unfortunately, after sun down with the tide coming in, the rollers rocked the boat all night. I didn't get much sleep from the slapping halyards, howling wind, and rocking of the boat. I awoke feeling as if I had been run over by a truck. My lower back ached and it was hard to get moving around at all. After a bit, I loosened up, fixed breakfast, got the sails up and got back to the marina around 2 PM.

I'm learning that Compass Rose is quick like a cat and that if I don't have the sails trimmed just right, she'll take off. I had to spill some wind on the way back because of sailing right into the wind. It's all part of the learning process but it was hard today because of my stiff back. Somedays, I just start to feel old. It was a humbling experience. Maybe a good night's sleep and some ibuprofen will help.

Just for a smile

I just found this video and had to smile. It pretty much captures the joys of being an oceanographer. And it's got a catchy tune. Maybe that's how best to capture the public's attention about global warming and climate change--have a rap song about it.

I'm off for a good weekend with stiff breezes on Compass Rose. And the temperatures are supposed to drop. Hope that everyone else enjoys their free time too.

Pulling together

One the great thing about the program is that we don't have to go it alone but can count on others to be there to help us get through good and bad times. I've always been a loner preferring to isolate myself because of the fear of being rejected.

What I've learned over the past year is that there are so many others who have also tried to go it alone and just get by on self-will. It's a much better way of living when we learn that if we pull together we can experience happiness. By sharing our experience, strength and hope, we not only help ourselves to recover but we help others as well.

I chaired the Beginner's Meeting today for the first time. We talked about the Serenity Prayer and Step One. The beginners shared about what brought them to Al-Anon. I've signed up to do this every week as I enjoy it. It reinforces for me that we have a common problem and that by working the program, we learn from each other.

People like Jimmy

I just read on another blog about the suicide of a local fellow who had a sad existence. I know that there are a lot of Jimmy's out there. You and I probably know a person who is on the fringe of everything. Not someone that you can really reach. Maybe the person has a drug or drinking problem. Maybe the person is really hurting.

I know that I vacillate between wanting to reach out to someone who clearly is a mess and just leaving that mess alone. I've learned from the Al-Anon program to realize that I'm powerless over others. And that I didn't cause the problems of others, can't control them, and can't cure them. Yet, what about having basic human concerns?

For example, there's a fellow at work who smells of booze every day. He's been in and out of rehab a bunch of times. I don't know whether he goes to AA or not. I have worked in the same building with him for many years, know his ex-wife, know of his drinking problems but know nothing about what he thinks, what he likes to do or anything else that would give a glimpse at the real person. I would like to sit down with this guy and ask what's going on, yet I hold back. There are lots of reasons that come to mind about holding back: will I be rejected? Is this any of my business? Don't I just detach?

So how do we reach out a hand to someone like Jimmy? All of us are God's creatures no matter how miserable we look or how sick we are. Maybe the only thing that I can do is just pray for anyone who is troubled and just give them up to God.

Move a muscle, change a thought

Today, I was just feeling blah. Not sure whether it is the tiredness from the weekend that's still with me or whether I've got some anxiety just hanging around in my head. Anyway, I decided that the best thing to do was to get to the gym.

I've been a regular at the gym for many years but within the past month, I've found that I haven't been going as much and have worked during lunch. I know from articles I've read that aerobic exercise improves symptoms of mild to moderate depression. The toil of exercise has been proven to help manage emotions as well as providing a physiological tune up for the heart and vascular system.

So today I worked out for a good hour. It felt great to sweat and generally get rid of some of the stuff that was swirling around in my head. The saying of "move a muscle, change a thought" seemed to work. This doesn't mean that I'm just distracting myself so that the negative thoughts go away because of the distraction. It seems that by working out, I sweated all the negative stuff out of me. Maybe it's another twist on the theme that "I can't think my way into right action... but I can act (taking actions) my way into right thinking."

Triggers

Today started just fine. It was a usual Monday, busy but not overwhelming. I still had the weekend on my mind. So I was generally just feeling easy. I got through a morning meeting, a practice session for a thesis defense of one of my graduate students, work on an upcoming broadcast to students on estuaries and other general stuff.

After work I went to a meeting. Because there weren't enough people at the Al-Anon meeting, a couple of us went next door to the AA meeting. I've been to this group before when there weren't enough at the Al-Anon meeting. The meetings are next door to each other at a country church and there usually aren't too many in attendance at either meeting.

Tonight there were a few people that I'd seen before and then a new fellow came in. He had just gotten out of treatment and had found a meeting. He said that he got out of treatment on Friday and that he was wanting to change his life. Unfortunately, he smelled of alcohol and had the glazed look of someone who knocked back a few recently. This was his first AA meeting and he didn't understand what Al-Anoners were doing at the AA meeting. He talked a lot about how he wasn't going to go down the road that he had been down with drinking. He said that his son put a bottle of tequila near him just to see if he would want to drink. He picked up a white chip and seemed pleased with himself. I felt sick.

Listening to him and smelling alcohol on him brought back to me the weekends of my childhood when my father would smell of alcohol and expound in a drunken slur on a variety of things. The new man's presence was a trigger for me and I could feel the anxiety and fear creeping in. I felt ill at ease and unsettled. On the way home, I decided that I still react to the smell of alcohol. It's a trigger that brings up those days from childhood. Once I realized why I was feeling so anxious, I was able to do something about it. I still am a bit unsettled but I think that the best thing for me is to sleep at this point. Tomorrow is another day.

Spiritual cast net

It's shrimping season in the area and there are lots of people out in boats casting nets over bait for shrimp. What this means is that you can count on a lot more boats on the water and a lot more activity at night which is when the cast netting is done. It's hard to find a quiet spot for a mooring due to all the activity.

I liked what was said at the meeting tonight. One of my friends mentioned that when there are problems in life that come along that appear unmanageable, he throws out a spiritual cast net that surrounds the problem and let's God then pull in the net. It's a great vision and especially appropriate considering the activity on the waterways. I like to think that problems that I can't solve are the ones that I just let go of and give them to my Higher Power. It's my way of not trying to fix something that I can't and not trying to continue with the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

It was a really good weekend and nothing seemed unmanageable. I'm grateful for this program that helps me get better each day.

Go see the 11th Hour

I went to see the movie the 11th Hour last night. If you get a chance, go see this documentary. It was excellent and provided compelling documentation of what our consumerism and reliance on fossil fuels are doing to us. I say us, because the point was made that the planet will survive but it is unlikely that we will survive the consequences of our actions if things continue as they are. It is likely that a few species will survive as well and things will essentially revert back to the way that they were before man dominated.

Yet, there is hope for us. But it's going to require massive changes in behavior and political clout to move us away from our dependence on fossil fuel. Alternative energy sources such as the sun and wind, as well as green buildings were discussed. Perhaps I'm not at my most optimistic point but I don't see how massive changes will occur unless the political process takes a stand to do something on a global scale.

Anyway, on a more positive note, I'm taking my wind powered vessel out today for an overnight trip. It's a nice day here with low humidity and the rain last night made things clean and clear this morning. I'm looking forward to a day of chilling out, reading and walking on the beach. There are many unspoiled areas still around here and the island that I anchor near is one of them. It used to have a light house on it but that light house is now disconnected from the mainland due to erosion of the island on the ocean side. Still, it's a beautiful place to visit---no houses, just the forest and the beach.

I hope that each of you has a great day.

The 11th Hour

I'm going to see the movie documentary "The 11th Hour" tonight. The local premiere is being hosted by a conservation group.

I'm interested to see this film since I work in a field that deals with marine environmental issues. There are some experts who voice their opinions about the state of the environment. It will be interesting to hear about the creative solutions that they suggest. I personally am very concerned about what we are doing to the planet. I almost feel at times that the problem is so overwhelming that there is no chance of making right all that we are doing wrong. Species are disappearing, water quality is declining, the climate is changing, and the list goes on and on.

For me, the changes to the estuaries and oceans are most dramatic. Because of increased fishing pressure, many fish stocks are in decline. The blue crab which was so prevalent during my youth in Chesapeake Bay has been declining for years. The oyster population in the Bay has long been decimated due to poor water quality and disease.

I like to be optimistic but based on what I've seen I wonder if there is any hope of positive changes to the planet. Maybe the film will provide some glimmer of that. I think that a new mindset will have to occur before the pendulum will swing toward recovery of the ecosystem.

Beginner's meeting

I signed up to do the Beginner's meeting next Thursday. I was hesitant because I thought that I would need more time in the program. But there is an Al-Anon guideline for conducting a Beginner's meeting that doesn't seem too daunting.

Basically, I'm supposed to introduce newcomers to the Al-Anon program as well as inform them about the disease of alcoholism. I also share the experience, strength and hope that I found in Al-Anon. I'm supposed to mention the steps with particular emphasis on Steps One through Three.

There is something about still being a Beginner myself that makes me identify so with them. I also like the idea of introducing others to this great program. I've heard griping from a friend about Beginner's and how they are a pain. I don't understand that. To my mind, the teachings of the program are a legacy--one that is passed down from the lineage of my sponsor to me and eventually from me to others. I see Beginner's as the reason for having this program. They are the most important people at a meeting. I'm looking forward to this opportunity to do some service.

Defining love

Lately I've been thinking about what love is-- real, lasting love. I looked up some definitions on this. One of these says that love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness. One way to think about this is that what we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. Apparently by focusing on the good in another person, you'll be able to feel love.

And once you love, it's important to be giving. Giving means that you care and can demonstrate active concern for the other person's life and growth. The second way of giving is to be responsible and respond to the emotional needs of another. The third way is respect which means seeing the uniqueness of a person and wanting them to grow and be fulfilled. But in order to care for, respond to, and respect another you have to really know the other person.

One of the things that's hard to take is when someone mistreats you while telling you that they love you. But love isn't about words, it's about deeds and is a behavior. To me that means that you not only have to say "I love you" but you have to show it.

Letting Go

As I'm working Step Nine and making amends, I've come to realize that my relationships have been closest with those whose emotional makeup is similar to my earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love--my parents. I have learned how strongly my programming from childhood has affected my life. Essentially, I have been drawn to people who have put me in touch with all the wounds from my childhood. What I see now is that I don't have to recreate these wounds in a bad way but can experience growth in the relationship.

I can do this by making choices and accepting responsibility emotionally so that I don't slip into self pity and the role of being a victim. I can see that the emotional unavailability of my father and the denial that my mother practiced have shaped my relationships to a large extent. I've been involved with emotionally unavailable people. I'm learning that I have to focus inside to be free of the old patterns from childhood. I can't do anymore than heal myself and know my own self worth. By doing that, I can move towards a more healthy way of dealing with others. I can let go of the past behavioral patterns and still be okay.

`Letting Go''

• To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

• It means I can't do it for someone else.

• To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

• It's the realization I can't control another.

• To ``let go'' is not to enable,

• but to allow learning from natural consequences.

• To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

• which means the outcome is not in my hands.

• To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

• It's to make the most of myself.

• To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

• To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

• To ``let go'' is not to judge,

• but to allow another to be a human being.

• To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

• but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

• To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

• It's to permit another to face reality.

• To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

• To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

• but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

• To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

• but to try to become what I dream I can be.

• To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

• but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

• To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

• but to grow and live for the future.

• To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad:

I think about you often and over the past year have come to love you more than I believe I ever did. I have thought and spoken of all the things that you taught me. I wouldn’t have learned to love the water as I do if it hadn’t been for you. And because of what you taught me about boats, I’ve made a career of not only doing my work from boats but seeing many things in the ocean that few have ever seen. I am grateful for what I learned from you.

I’ve often wished that you were here so that we could talk about how things are now in my life. I’m not the same person that I was in 1985 which was the last time that I talked with you. And I’m not the same person that I was a year ago when I decided to change my life for the better. I’m in a program that has helped me to learn more about myself and to take responsibility for how I live my life. I always thought that I was responsible in my life but the difference is that I’m living a spiritual life now. And it’s a wonderful feeling because it means that I can look inward at myself and my faults in an effort to be a better person. And I can do this without being afraid. I no longer am angry at myself or feel empty.

I know that when I was young, I was strong willed, independent and proud. I loved you, but I also feared you. I wanted your approval and thought that I could get that by changing who I was. Yet in doing so, I built up resentment and anger. There were times when I wished that you would die. I know now that I can change but it’s to be the person that my Higher Power wants me to be. I no longer want to shape myself to be what another person wants me to be. I don’t need to do that anymore.

I have learned from this spiritual program that we all make mistakes in living and that we all need improvement. I know that you did the best that you could do for me. I realize that you always loved me and wanted what was best for me. You taught me many good traits of character. These are lessons that I will carry with me and that will hold me in good stead for the rest of my life.

What I need to tell you is that I also always loved you. For those times when I was filled with resentment and anger, I am truly sorry. I have learned that resentment and fear are human emotions but that they keep me from being truly free in my mind and heart. I am working every day to recognize when resentment and fear occur and take steps to not be consumed by them.

Finally, I want you to know that if I could physically be with you today, I would take you out on my boat, show you the beauty of the water here, and enjoy your company.

Your loving son,

Syd

First GR meeting, the steps and the weekend

I went to the first GR meeting yesterday. There were some people that I knew and others that I was glad to meet. It seemed like any other club meeting with motions and voting. Not bad at all actually. I was sorry that one of the groups that I attend regularly didn't have a GR there. It's a large meeting with regularly around 30+ people attending so they do need to be represented in the district. I'm going to see if I can't recruit some one on Tuesday evening when I go to the meeting.

Today was spend out on Compass Rose. It was much cooler and blustery. Great sailing weather and the local university was hosting a regatta in the Harbor so I could watch them negotiate the course. It was really picture perfect today--blue skies, low humidity, clear and cool. My kind of weather. I got home too late to go to the 8 PM meeting but hopefully will be able to pick up an extra meeting this week.

I've been listening to another Step Study on my IPod. The speaker is a character, been in prison and murders the grammar but he makes a lot of sense when doing the steps according to the directions in the Big Book. He is a strong believe in doing things according to the facts of the book. He says that there is nothing in the book about waiting a year before doing the steps or going to 90 meetings in 90 days, or not having a relationship within the first year. None of that is pertinent according to this guy because it isn't written in the book.

My SO has a sponsor who insists that she wait at least a year before doing the steps because the brain is too scrambled in the first year to do anything. The guy that I'm listening to on the step study states that there is great danger in delaying because it is through the steps that real recovery begins. I won't tell my SO how to work her program but can pray and hope that she will see the need to begin the steps. Actually, she really only needs to do Step 3 and Step 5 with another person, and that person doesn't have to be her sponsor. I really hope that things will move forward for her.

I'm tired now and it's a good tired feeling from being on the water. I've looked back over my day and can't find anything that was wrong with it. That's a rare and good day indeed.

Attraction not promotion

I was listening to a pod cast on the steps in which there was a discussion of making amends to others who have done harm to us. Basically, the speaker said that we can forgive and accept others who have harmed us because they are sick in their soul. They have their issues too and in many cases they are living their life without the benefit of spirituality.

I think that has been a key to my letting go of the past: accepting that the harms that I did and that were done to me were because we were all shooting in the dark. I find that more and more I'm accepting of what others do. I find that I can let things go that used to bug me. I can shrug off the crazy comments that someone will make. I no longer have to buy into anyone else's stuff. They may be offering it for free but I don't have to own it.

That's the great thing about this program of recovery. I can accept that someone will have different ideas from me. I don't need to convince anyone of how they need to live or think. And as far as Al-Anon goes, I don't have to promote the program. I believe that living the program is promotion enough. This does more to carry the message than trying to force it on others. If people want what I have, then they can come to a meeting.

"When the student is ready, the treacher appears" Zen Buddhist saying.

Being a GR

I've been elected to be the next GR for my home group. Tomorrow is the election and first meeting. I'm looking forward to this work. I think that if I can be of service to my home group in any way, then I'm going to do it. In fact, I think that my home group is great.

It's not a fancy building or a large group. We meet in an old Sunday school building that smells of mold and will eventually be refurbished. The setting is wonderful as it's under the shade of massive live oak trees. There aren't a lot of people that attend. Some Monday evenings, it's just a couple of us but we have a step study and a meeting anyway.

I prefer the small and intimate sharing of this group. There isn't any domination or control. Just a few people working on recovering from the effects of alcoholism. I know that my recovery will be based on helping others and on doing what I can for Al-Anon which has helped me tremendously.

Closeness

Have you ever wondered what goes into sustaining a long-term relationship? I was talking to a couple the other night who have been married for 59 years. I asked them what their secret was. The wife answered, "No secret, just pain." She said this with a smile and a playful swat at her husband. I then asked whether they did everything together. She again laughed and said, "Hardly anything".

That gave me some measure of comfort. Maybe because I've often thought that I needed to spend much time with my spouse and do everything together. I've heard others in Al-Anon state that unless you do all things together, the marriage isn't going to work. One long-term Al-Anon member told a group that she and her husband do their readings together, pray together, exercise together, eat together, and do other activities together. It all seemed too smothering to me. I need to have some space to pursue those things that I enjoy and my wife doesn't. We've worked together professionally before and have shared various activities that we've enjoyed over the years. Admittedly, those things that we shared diminished in recent years due to a variety of reasons, including active alcoholism.

Since being in recovery through Al-Anon, I find that it's necessary to have time to do things that I enjoy such as being on the boat. I need to have some level of solitude for meditation and reflection. I enjoy my time spent in meetings and with friends that I've developed in the fellowship. I find that spontaneous closeness works well for me. I don't want to have expectations of another that can't be realized right now. We're both working on a path to recovery, just at a different pace. I think that's okay.

Staying engaged

I've had a good work week, having to make a talk today at a national program review. It went well and I was glad to talk with my colleagues. I had a good feeling at the end of the day that I had done my best. Based on that, I was happy as I went home and got an opportunity to then just relax. I like work weeks that are filled with activities and interactions. Many times, I am in my office at the laboratory where I work, solitary and working on data or a report. I like my solitude but also enjoy getting together with other scientists and participating in discussions about programmatic direction.

Sometimes too much solitude gets me too far inside my head. I like staying engaged with others and find that I take comfort in being around other people. I often have to make sure of my motives though because the need to be engaged with others can be directly related to some fear that I may be feeling and don't want to face when I'm alone. But today I am just enjoying the intellectual discussion and not feeling overcome by fear or self-will. I'm glad to have this day and am looking forward to more discussions tomorrow.

There are times when I think that I have the greatest job in the world. I suppose that's why I got into this field to begin with. It's not only intellectually challenging but also has allowed me to see so many interesting things.

Did things change?

I guess that everyone remembers what they were doing on September 11 2001. I had taken my mother for an ECT treatment for her depression and was sitting in the family lounge at the hospital when the TV announced that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. Then the second plane flew in and the rest is history, as they say.

I didn't know the repercussions of what had happened and how far reaching the aftermath would be, but I felt a sick feeling that this act would bring about a war, more bloodshed, and perhaps threaten the world as no other conflict had. Some of my earliest thoughts weren't off the mark. We have a war, we have more bloodshed. Although our world continues to revolve around the sun, I feel restless about the well-being of this country and the state of the world in general. I fear that the bully-pulpit and self-interest greed of our nation is going to have dire consequences for years to come. Maybe it's my feeling of powerlessness, but I don't want to see more tributes and events on the news. I don't want to hear more about the "Axis of Evil" or how everyone is a potential "terrorist". I don't have much faith in the current administration and have become much more skeptical about the individuals who are entrusted with running the government.

Because of 9/11, I fear that we are more likely to have our civil rights violated by the government; we are less likely to have needed social services, adequate health care, and good education because of the continuing war. What we are more likely to have are erosions to Constitutional rights because of the endless "war on terrorism"; and we are more likely to witness environmental degradation because the focus is on having a capitalistic society.

I was hoping that the tragedy of 9/11 would be the kind of wakeup call to this country that would bring about something positive in the world. That we would be looked upon with respect because we had learned to take care of each other here so that people would be better educated, have better health care, housing, and a feeling of connection to the other nations in the world.

I think that the real tragedy these years after 9/11 is that we haven't learned real lessons about the rest of the world and how to take the best of this country and use it to the benefit of other nations. President Kennedy, in his speech inaugurating the Peace Corps, said something like: "Those who have so much will not be able to keep it if they are unwilling to share with those who have so little." In other words, we have to give it away, in order to keep it.

Genuine, national self examination would be a tribute to those who tragically died on 9/11. Perhaps we could prevent similar horrors in the future.

Ninth month and ninth step

Tonight's meeting is about Step Nine, which is what I'm approaching. I've written down the people that I'm willing to make amends to. Some are people that are no longer alive, such as my parents. My sponsor suggests that writing a letter to them would be good. Others are people to whom I will make amends over the next several months. I didn't put any "maybes" or "not evers" on my list. But perhaps when it comes to a few people on the list, I need to make certain that I am spiritually and emotionally ready to make those amends.

This is definitely an action step and one that requires that the groundwork laid in the previous eight steps is firm. I think that this step requires faith and that the HP will be guiding me as I make the amends. It isn't a "go it alone" process. It is a process for me in which I take care of what I have done and the harms that I have caused. It's about me, not about the other person. It's also about not having any animosity to others or to myself when I make the amends.

This step is about change. It's how I've changed and grown in my program and how in making an amends, I won't be repeating the same offense over and over. It's not an apology but a statement of my wrongs. The outcome is in the hands of my HP. In changing, I need to be accepting of others and how they will react when I make the amends. Some people may not be ready to accept an amends from me. I have to be willing to accept that decision and let it go. I think that when the time comes, I will be able to let go because I will have done the best that I could to sincerely right the wrongs that I've done.

Conflicts with ego in control

This was a picture perfect weekend on the boat. I sailed out with a good breeze from the northeast, got to my anchor spot, and caught the last of the beer drinking drama of the Redneck Riviera.

There were power boaters and jet skiers zooming through. It was hard to get the sails down and stowed for all the wakes. I was thinking about how it would be nice to see DNR law enforcement come along and remind the Yayhoos that they are responsible for their wake. Just as I was thinking about that, I heard a fellow in a Boston Whaler nearby yell to the guy who was making the most wake with his jet ski to "have some consideration and watch your wake". He yelled that a few times before he finally yelled, "Watch your wake, A#*hole!". The jet ski dude was brought up short by that and proceeded to yell back. Then the Whaler guy laid out the line that would have been fighting words in any century, "You've got your little Honda jet ski. Do you have a little d#*k to go with it?". Mr. Jet Ski proceeded to pound the water, curse and yell out many four letter words. And all this was free of charge with no admission to watch these two fellows figuratively paw the dirt, snort and get ready to ram each other.

This interchange made me think about how conflicts and collisions are things that I avoid more than ever. It's not worth it to waste time and energy trying to convince someone of their wrongs. And yes, I get angry at the thoughtlessness of others but immediately remind myself that I can waste the day being agitated or just decide that it's not that important.

And as the sun was sinking, the powerboats and jet skis left to head to wherever they call home. Then it was time to relax and enjoy the beach, the boat, the night sky and the sounds of the surf.

"Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." from the Big Book of AA.

Feeling like fall

The morning temperatures are finally starting to give a hint of fall. The mornings are cool enough now and not so humid. The sycamores are the first to show that fall is coming. Their plate sized leaves start turning brown. In this part of the South, we don't see many fall colors but by around early November on into December, the red maples and other deciduous trees will show some color.

Although I miss the fall colors from Virginia, I'll settle for the nearly abandoned beaches here when fall comes. Most of the tourists leave, and I can walk the beach without seeing many people. There are parking places in town. The waterways aren't so busy once the weather cools down. It's my favorite time of year.

The poignant Poem in October by Dylan Thomas is one that evokes the feelings that I have for this time of year. I first read it when I was much younger and remember the haunted beauty of it to this day. Dylan Thomas was an active alcoholic, but when he wrote this poem, he surely must have been in touch with life, beauty and inspired by his Higher Power. There is a hopefulness in what he writes, and the promise of a new day.

Poem In October

It was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthday
Away but the weather turned around.

It turned away from the blithe country
And down the other air and the blue altered sky
Streamed again a wonder of summer
With apples
Pears and red currants
And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
Through the parables
Of sun light
And the legends of the green chapels

And the twice told fields of infancy
That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
These were the woods the river and sea
Where a boy
In the listening
Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
And the mystery
Sang alive
Still in the water and singingbirds.

And there could I marvel my birthday
Away but the weather turned around. And the true
Joy of the long dead child sang burning
In the sun.
It was my thirtieth
Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
O may my heart's truth
Still be sung
On this high hill in a year's turning.

Dylan Thomas

Sad to see

Today, at a meeting a nicely dressed woman showed up drunk. She is a designer who has been coming to meetings for a while. She had been out partying and was completely messed up, laughing and generally making a lot of commotion. A couple of guys got her quieted down so that the meeting could continue. Later she picked up a white chip, still drunk.

I know what this does to me. It creates a gut-wrenching reaction. I have to force myself not to move. My eyes tell me that this isn't anyone that I know but my heart tells me that this is a person who is in a lot of pain and who is causing a lot of pain. It seems so ironic to have a drunk person show up at an AA meeting. But I would guess that's the best place for anyone drunk to be because they are with people who know how to deal with the situation.

I don't know how to deal with the situation so I just sit and concentrate on not bolting. I stay put and get through the meeting and then can't wait to leave. All the way on the drive back to my office, I'm thinking about the nightmare of that woman's life. And the nightmare of those who love her. It's hard to get the image out of my head. It's hard not to imagine a different face being drunk and out of control. It's hard not to look back.

No Half Measures for Me

The Big Book states, "Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for His protection and care with complete abandon." I've never been a "half measure" type of person. That used to be a problem for me because I wanted everything done in the best way possible and was incredibly hard on myself (and others).

Now, I can see that maybe the application of my desire to do the best that I can do has it's place in my recovery. I can choose to do the footwork, the steps, and be honest with myself and with my sponsor. Or I can hold back and not fully work towards my recovery. I believe that in order to recover, I have to clean house and trust in my HP.

So for me, it's really about giving myself to this program. It's all or nothing. It means working all aspects: steps, literature, traditions, service. I have to put time and energy into getting better because going back to being the person that I used to be isn't an alternative for me. I won't be a quarter horse. I would rather start out steadily and go the distance. Like they say, "It works if you work it."

I sometimes wonder

I sometimes wonder what life must have been like as Bill Wilson before he got sober. And I wonder what it must have been like to be Lois who devotedly cared for her husband through the very worst of times when he was a hopeless drunk.

It's amazing when you think about it. Here was a man who by all rights was near alcoholic insanity, about a few days away from being committed forever, and yet he managed to get sober and eventually put together, along with another drunk, the steps to a better life without alcohol. The stories about Bill and his inability to stay sober really indicate that something forever changed in him once he understood the principles of the Oxford group, saw living proof in Ebie Thatcher, and began to help other alcoholics.

And beside him all the way was Lois who did just about everything she could to stop Bill from killing himself. It's truly an amazing story of how two people stuck together and supported each other through a lot of insanity. It's an inspiration for me because it shows the love that they had for each other through so many difficulties. I'm not sure that many people would be so devoted. And it indicates to me that the HP had a hand in his life as the circumstances came together to form the program called AA.

Shift Shaping Reptiles

The meeting tonight was a good one. For some reason, we were locked out of our usual meeting room, so we went into another part of the church and sat on the floor. It was a more relaxed feeling than sitting in chairs. Everyone was just sprawled out. I really like this meeting. There are usually about 30 people there and there are a lot of people who are thoughtful and have many years of recovery.

This isn't the meeting that the dominatrix runs. I go to four different Al-Anon meetings a week and several noon time AA meetings. I decided that the more meetings I go to the more I would learn. In addition, the dynamics of the individuals in the group and the variety of topics is good. Every group has a different feel to it. I get something from every meeting that I attend.

I have thought about Micky's parody of How It Works (see his comment on the Sept. 3 blog called How it Sucks). I think that Micky may have potential as a comedy writer because what he has written is quite clever. The strange thing about us Shift Shaping Reptiles that Micky doesn't understand is that I can read what he has written, see the humor in it, and not be offended. This part is especially interesting:

"There are those, too, who are gravediggers and undertakers, but many of them do become ZOMBIES if they have the capacity to be dishonest. Our stories disclose in a twisted way, who we like, what happened, and who we hate now. If you have decided you want a cup of tea and are willing to go to any lengths to become emotionally shutdown, SHIFT SHAPING REPTILES - then you are ready to take certain steps."

I would acknowledge that there are a lot of zombies out there who are dishonest. Lots of them are running the country, and then there are others who are just ordinary people in a state of denial about truth. And yes, I've written and talked about those I liked, what happened, and who I don't like now in my fourth and fifth step. That's a given for Al-Anon. I'm not so sure about reptiles being emotionally shutdown though. Take the iguanas that I recently saw in St. Thomas. They just seem serene to me--rather accepting and happy to lie about in the sun, eat mangoes, reproduce, and generally hang out. I think that I often emulate some of that behavior and it's not a bad life. One reptilian day at a time.

Not much labor

After all the rain of the past couple of days, it was nice to see the sun shine and feel fall in the air. I had the day off so I spent the morning at home taking care of a few things. In the afternoon, I went down to the local tall ship to do some volunteer work. I've enjoyed spending time doing dock watches and going for a sail or two. The tall ship program is about marine education and teamwork for children in the state. It's a neat idea and one that I hope will enhance education in a state that really needs it.

After being on the tall ship, I went to Compass Rose and grilled a couple of steaks, talked with the neighbors on their boats, and watched some fireworks over the city. I am thankful to have a peaceful place to go to. Home is peaceful but filled with so many reminders of a lifetime, of my parents lifetime, and of the current state of our lives together. Sometimes, I just need to be where there are no reminders and only the bare necessities are present. The boat is like a treehouse--a place to reconnect with myself.

I chair the meeting tomorrow at an Al-Anon meeting and am thinking about a topic. I would like to talk about the difficulties in having one person change when the other one appears "stuck". It might hit too close to home for me though. So perhaps I'll suggest a topic dealing with self-rightousness. That seems to be an easy spot for me to slip into and I know that it isn't productive. I need to practice acceptance and not get sucked into thinking that I have the answers. My HP has the answers if I'll just keep quiet and listen.

Staying in the day

After writing such an upbeat post following the happy time on Friday evening, I didn't have it in me to write anything on Saturday. On Saturday morning, my wife was back in depression, feeling fearful, anxious and generally unhappy. It's always been an up and down thing with her mood so it isn't anything that I haven't experienced many times. I guess that the marked change from Friday night to Saturday was what was hard.

She had gotten up at 3 AM and sat and thought about us, where we had been and where we are going. I know and you know that isn't where anyone needs to be. I want to stay in the now, right here on this day and at this moment. So, she wanted to be left alone and didn't want me around.

I left and went to Compass Rose (yep, changed the name to this final one) and sailed her out in the Harbor and moored behind an island where I like to go. I called a couple of times to say "Hello" and give updates but didn't get much in the way of an upbeat response. So I let that go. I've decided that she has to come to the realization that she can be miserable and stuck or move forward to enjoy the day that she is in. I can't do anymore for her. I love her and care about her but she has to figure this out for herself, along with help from her sponsor and her HP.

I had a not very restful night with 15-20 knot winds from the NE and pouring rain. It was okay because my anchor held and I had a good book to read. I left the mooring around noon and got home to find my wife happier and not as anxious. I am grateful that because of the program, I could detach and leave without trying to fix anything. I could be on the boat without feeling anxious or unhappy and I could come home and not be resentful. This is a great program and it really works if you work it. Every day is a different day.