Goblins

I don't know that I've ever really liked Halloween. I say that because I can't remember too much about what I did on Halloweens. I can remember going out a few times as a kid on Halloween but nothing really stands out in my mind. I can't remember whether I had a really good time or not.

There's something about seeing kids dressed up in their costumes and being happy about going to pumpkin mazes and scary hay rides that makes me smile but also nostalgic for something that I missed. Although I live too far out in the country for kids to come for trick or treat, I bought a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch at a local church and put it on the front porch. I think that the squirrels will enjoy it.

The origin of the jack-o'-lantern evidently traces back to the Irish legend of Stingy Jack, a greedy, gambling, hard drinking old farmer who tricked the devil into climbing a tree, and trapped him by carving a cross into the trunk of the tree. In revenge, the devil placed a curse on Jack which dooms him to forever wander the earth at night. This bedtime story was told by Irish parents to their children. Not particularly something that would make me want to go to sleep.

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy time on this All Saint's Eve. And that your sleep is free of goblins.

The fellowship

I went to an AA meeting yesterday. I go to AA meetings less frequently than I used to, mainly because there are now four Al-Anon meetings that I try to make every week. But this particular AA meeting is one of the oldest in the city, is held in a "bad" part of town and is filled with real people who share. It's a raw type of meeting and one that I find inspirational in many ways.

Anyway, at this meeting a young woman who had a small baby with her got up to share. She said that she was newly sober and had the one year old child and a three year old. She shared that she was getting a divorce and was having a hard time right now. Part way through her sharing, she held up her son and told him that she had to stay sober because she wanted her children to grow up with love and not in a dysfunctional household. She was sobbing as she said that the people in the room were going to help her stay sober and that they were there to help her. I could feel her desperation in wanting sobriety and her hope that she will be a good mother to the children.

At the end of the meeting, the fellowship of AA surrounded this young woman and embraced her. It's another example of what the program is all about. And how alcoholics help each other. The wonder and love in the program is never more obvious when there is someone in need.

A sad occurrence

I learned tonight that one of my Al-Anon friends lost her granddaughter in the tragic fire in North Carolina. I was out on the boat most of yesterday and today so didn't know about the fire until this evening. Evidently, it was a between semester party for college students from University of South Carolina and Clemson. A fire broke out in the morning today and several occupants of the house died.

My Al-Anon friend has had a rough year because she lost her husband and now her granddaughter. I was talking with my sponsor about how lucky I feel to be alive after all the "near misses" that I've had in my life. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still around and a young person such as this college student has died. My sponsor expressed that he sees this as not something directed by God but as a terrible accident. Yet, he sees that God is there to scoop up the souls of those who have perished in order to take them to a better place. That is comforting to me.

I don't see my Higher Power as being vindictive or harsh. I see the God of my understanding weeping for the lost ones, those who have left too soon. And I see my HP comforting those of us who are left behind to grieve and try to make sense of the tragedies that happen.

Singleness of Purpose

Sharon got me thinking about the singleness of purpose within AA. I read a pamphlet put out by AA that was reprinted from an article written by Bill W. about why the focus of AA should be on alcoholics.

I've talked to my sponsor about Al-Anon and how there are lots of AA's that come into Al-Anon. I've never been troubled by that because the purpose of Al-Anon is to help families and friends of alcoholics. Many alcoholics come from an alcoholic family where they have been affected by someone else's drinking. My sponsor has told me of Al-Anon groups though that have become dominated by AA's to the point that a split occurred in the group.

One of the things that I have noticed in the Al-Anon meetings that I attend is the focus of members on the drug addicted family member, usually a child. For some reason, it's hard for me to relate largely because I have no children and have not been affected by someone else's addiction. However, there is always something in their story that makes me think and learn. So my attitude has been one of Live and Let Live when it comes to Al-Anon. I think that it provides a great learning and spiritual tool for anyone affected by someone else's drinking.

Beyond Normal

I'm reading a book called The Short Bus by Jonathan Mooney. I seem to remember that someone from one of the blogs recommended it. Anyway, the book is basically about the author's trip across the US in a short bus, the symbol for his learning disability as well as that of others that he encounters. The book is written with humor but there is an undercurrent of sadness because of his feeling that he never fit in with the rest of the kids in school.

I found myself thinking about the kids who were in the special ed class when I was in school. Many of them were ADHD, others were probably challenged due to fetal alcohol syndrome, and others no doubt had other problems that made them "different". I look back now on how it must have felt to be in a special class. I don't remember teasing any of these kids but I also didn't go out of my way to be close to them.

I never felt that I really fit in either but for different reasons than having a learning disability. It's good to read this book and have an understanding of how people not only separate themselves but are separated by the educational system because they don't fit what's considered "normal".

Going Home

I’m glad to be going home today. The meetings were as productive as I suppose they could be. The doom and gloom facts of global climate change are not a pretty scenario. I knew the seriousness of it but did not realize until this meeting the rapidity at which low lying coastal areas will be inundated.

I talked to my sponsor and a couple of friends today. I told them what happened the other night and they wondered why I didn’t call them. I suppose that I didn’t want to burden anyone but I also wanted to work what was happening out on my own. Today, I’m grateful that:

• I was able to get myself to a better place thanks to the program
• I have a sponsor and friends to talk to who are there should I need them
• In spite of feeling powerless, I was able to get myself to a better place
• In the midst of the beauty that surrounds me, I can see that I am lucky to be alive
• I can use affirmations to realize that I’m not hopeless, unloved or a total mess.

Controlling

I've been reading a book that highlights a lot of the issues that I have in relationships. The book is called Compelled to Control by Keith Miller. He describes that the major cause of relationship failure is the need to control. I can see from what he describes in a chapter called The Child's Journey--How We Develop the Urge to "Get Control" that I fit the description of someone who battles with the fear of not being enough. What's good about the book is that he describes use of the Twelve Steps in order to be healed and transformed.

This book came in handy last night when I fought the demons in my own head about not being enough. I seem to go down this slippery slope and beat up on myself every now and then. It generally happens when I feel lonely and tired (part of the H.A.L.T. scenario). Last night after a full day of meetings, I felt tired and also very much alone. I didn't want to go drink in the bar and I didn't want to talk shop so I went back to my room and got my head in a bad place. It was as if an overwhelming sadness came over me. I felt miserable about my marriage and some of the amends that I still need to make. I beat myself up over my character defects. And I blamed others for not "being there" when I needed them.

Anyway, this stuff in my head was making me pretty crazy until I started reading this book. I got half way through it and realized that the only way to quiet my mind was to trust in my HP and do some praying. For a person who has never been religious, it is amazing how praying the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and the Serenity Prayer got me through the dark place in my head. I finally got to sleep around 1 AM and awoke this morning feeling tired but quiet in my head.

I don't know why I forgot about my HP when I started to go down but the program has taught me that when things get really rough and I'm making up things that aren't real, I need to let go and let God. I am grateful that I asked for my HP to help me last night and He listened.

In West Virginia

Today was the first full day of my meeting in WV. The weather here is warmer than usual. But the scenery is awesome. The leaves along the campus are fantastic. I really miss the deciduous trees that put on such a show of color. Where I live, the few trees that turn color do so in November and December but there isn't the diversity of deciduous trees that there is here.

I listened to some great talks on global climate change today. The facts are overwhelming that the planet is in real trouble from carbon dioxide emissions. The rise in sea surface temperature is already causing problems and the bad news is that even if everything is rectified immediately, we won't see a response for at least 50-75 years. Someone asked the speakers how they were able to get up in the morning and continue to go forward--what self-help group did they belong to? I couldn't help but smile and think that there are some things that I can change and there are others that I just have to let go. Sure, I can change what I do as an individual to conserve and be environmentally aware, and I can work at the job that I do to make others aware and provide scientific data, but in the long run, I can't change the world. To think of that is too overwhelming. I just keep thinking of Step One and the Serenity Prayer. And do my part to change the things that I can.

Away for a meeting

I’m heading out of town for a work meeting. The location is in the mountains of West Virginia. I’m hoping that there’ll be cooler temperatures and some color to the leaves. It’s still hot along the coast.

I've downloaded Al-Anon and AA meetings in the area where I'm staying. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to a couple of those meetings this week.

It was a good weekend. I'm still in a weekend mood in my mind. Time to switch gears and get into work mode.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Having the opportunity to see some scenic country
• The weekend that was full of joy
• Being able to look up meetings on line
• Not having any dark places in my mind on this day
• Knowing that I'll be home on Thursday
  

Wooden ships on the water

I spent this afternoon at a wooden boat show. There are exhibits of all kinds of wooden boats from along the east coast. Some are small and some are larger restored vessels but all are exhibited with pride.

One of the favorite things for me at this show is the boat building contest in which a couple of people have to build a boat in a certain length of time and then row that boat along a course. There needs to be a lot of teamwork to accomplish building a skiff in 3 hours or so. Some are father and son teams, others just friends. It's great to walk through and see people working at putting something together and then hoping that it will float.

There's just something special about having to work side by side with someone to build something, whether it be a boat, a marriage, or the program that we work. I thought about what happened at the gate house in Akron, Ohio between Bill and Dr. Bob. I thought about what makes a marriage and how it is built on sharing. I also thought about my sponsor and our relationship and what we've managed to put together that has helped us both. It's the teamwork. Kinda nice when you think about it.

Screw guilt

A meeting topic this week focused on guilt. It seems to be something that rises up for various reasons and can drag us down if we let it. Guilt is defined as having remorse for having done something wrong. What is important is to decide to forgive ourselves by letting go of what others have done to us. Forgiveness is where healing occurs.

I know that it's easy to slip into the feelings of guilt. But guilt is like almost all feelings, best just felt and let go. The danger for me comes when guilt turns into shame, the feeling that I am somehow a bad person for making choices that bring on guilt. I feel it is natural to feel some guilt when I make a choice to take care of myself at the cost of someone else's needs. It is unhealthy though if I let that turn into shame.

I think that most people who have been affected by alcoholism feel guilt. It's a powerful tool used by both the alcoholic and the co-dependent. One woman shared in the meeting that her alcoholic son wanted to come home for Christmas, yet she thought his coming home would be a disruption to her and the rest of the family. She felt a lot of guilt about the decision. At this time, she has established a boundary and isn't ready to have her son come home.

Perhaps as time progresses, her guilt will ease. I know that as I've grown in recovery, I've let go of the past and realized that I don't want to harbor resentment for those who have hurt me. Forgiveness is what I can give both others and myself when I let go of guilt. I forgive myself when I put my needs ahead of others. I have learned to forgive my parents for things that hurt me when I was a kid. I don't make excuses for what happened but I've learned to not hold onto the resentment because it will ultimately hurt me.

Surprise party

I organized a surprise birthday party for a good friend last night. It was a nice occasion with pizza, barbecue, and all the fixings as well as a four layer chocolate cake. It was held on the beach with the sun setting as a backdrop. Tailgate party at it's finest!

The hardest part was not giving away the surprise. I did everything I could to keep him occupied while one of my Al-Anon friends named C. took the food to the beach to set everything up. It was fun to see his face when we drove up and he walked right up to a bunch of people saying "Happy Birthday". He hadn't a clue.

I had to take a personal inventory several times during this party. Once, because C. was late getting the food to the party. Another time because C. left the barbecue sauce behind. And yet again because C. left some of the chafing dishes at home. The thought that kept running through my head was, "To rely upon another is to be disappointed." What a crappy thing to think when C. was doing whatever he could to make sure everything was set up. It's my perfectionistic side coming through--wanting things to be done the way that I think they need to be done. I decided after a few minutes of feeling angry that my ego had taken control and was working hard at making me indignant and judgmental.

I was glad that I went over and thanked C. for all that he had done. It helped to let go of the negative feelings. And it helped me to have fun at a party that wasn't about me.

The traditions

When I first started coming to meetings, I thought that the traditions were boring and sounded too much like bureaucratic meanderings. I hadn't studied the traditions and didn't really understand how they applied not only to the fellowship but to my life as well.

Take Tradition Ten as an example: The Alanon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

I can see that without this tradition there would be discussions on religion, politics, therapy programs, and much more. Two of the things that seem to create strong opinions are religion and politics. If Tradition Ten weren't in place, then meetings could dissolve into conflict over differing opinions instead of keeping the focus on alcoholism.

In my own life, I need to be mindful of what Tradition Ten has to offer in the way of guidelines for not allowing my opinions on issues to cause conflict with others. I do have opinions on many things and a tendency to express those opinions when the subjects come up. In the past, I've wanted to carry my point in discussions. Now I realize that my opinions are just that, opinions. They should have no bearing on my group or on my program and how I relate to other people. I try to not let differences of opinion become divisive in relationships with family and friends. For me, I need to be accepting of what others think. I may not always agree but they have a right to their opinion just as I do.

It has become obvious to me that in meetings we have to put differences aside and strive to find the commonality in all of us. If I'm mindful that I can't solve another's problems or give them advice then I'm taking into account Tradition Ten. I simply need to focus on my own issues and limit my own sharing to my own experience strenght and hope.

Meditation

I've been thinking about Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out.

I think that I understand the difference between prayer and meditation, yet it seems that during meditation, one could also be involved in prayer. For example, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over is a kind of meditation for me when I am in a stressed situation. It relaxes me and provides a way for me to approach my HP. The calming effect comes with a "solution" to whatever is on my mind. I can then reflect on what the issue is and turn over in my mind how I will resolve the issue and how I can put it into action in my life.

I especially like being on the boat or on the beach and going off to a quiet place to sit and just stare at the water. I have also experienced a closeness to my HP during my morning prayers. I want to take in all that's around me and enjoy the sensations. It's as if a stillness comes over me, altogether comforting. I've read that others simply tell themselves to "Be still" so that they can approach God. I need to clear my mind of all the distractions that are rushing in and the best way for me to do that is to force them out with the mantra of the Serenity Prayer.

I think that over time with prayer and meditation, I will have closer contact with my HP and the message that I receive will become clearer.

Uniting on the environment

I'm hoping it will raise the conscience of many by Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I believe that he has worked hard to bring climate change to the forefront as a reality. He has pushed for climate measures, including the Kyoto Treaty. Since leaving office in 2001 he has campaigned worldwide about climate change, has brought to the public his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" and has published several books on the subject. The Norwegian Nobel Committee characterized Gore as "the single individual who has done most" to convince world governments and leaders that climate change is real, is caused by human activity, and poses a grave threat. He said he would donate his share of the $1.5 million award to the Alliance for Climate Protection, a non-profit he chairs that works to educate the public about climate change and mobilize global support for action.

I think that education is a key to environmental awareness. Unfortunately, I don't know whether we can wait for the "next" generation to solve the problems that have been created over the past 50+ years. It appears that urgency now is needed. Each of us can do our part. And the sum of the parts will hopefully make us whole again.

I used to wonder whether these are the best of times or the worst of times. I guess that it depends on your perspective. I believe that regardless, these are interesting times in which to be living.

summing up the weekend

It was a great weekend, better even than I thought. The boat trip to the island was fun, the food excellent, and there was the added benefit of finding a large shark tooth.

I went to two birthday parties, one for a friend's father and one for my sponsor. Both were happy occasions. There is something about seeing others enjoy a special time that makes me especially happy.

Finally, I found the following on a web site. It explains how a dog thinks about the human that has been adopted:

• I love you unconditionally!
• I will always be here for you.
• I am always happy when you get home and sad when you leave.
• I forgive you whenever you are mean to me.
• I don't know why you are in a bad mood, but I will lick your face until it goes away.
• Petting me will make you feel better.
• You are the best person I have ever known and have no faults.

For some reason, those things made me really smile.

It's here....

The weekend that is . I feel like a kid getting ready to party. Today, I'm going to take off in the afternoon to help a friend look for a car. His was totaled in a wreck a couple of weeks ago and he has no way to get around. So I told him that I would give him a ride to see if he can find something. Through his accident, I've learned what a hassle it is to have your car wrecked. It wasn't his fault (creamed from the side by an SUV) but dealing with the insurance agencies seems to be a nightmare.

Tomorrow is a sailboat party on an island near the marina. With this great weather, it will be nice to be on the water as well as walk on this deserted island. Finally, no flies or bugs!

Then on Sunday is my sponsor's birthday so the sponsees are getting together to celebrate at a luncheon. We'll be meeting up at a restaurant that looks out over the water.

I'm grateful for having so many things to do. There was a time when I just stayed home and was miserable. These days there seems to be a lot of time to do things that I enjoy. And I don't feel guilty about having to stay home to control an unmanageable situation. My SO is going to meetings and seems happier as well. She has met some new friends and seems to enjoy the fellowship of AA. Last night we baked a cake together and just talked about our plans. What a change from over a year ago!

Brilliant day

It was such an incredible day today. The temperatures dropped overnight, the humidity was low and the sky was brilliant. These kinds of days are what I've waited for all summer. Now that fall feels like it's here, I feel the ache inside for the ending of one season and the beginning of another.

This is my favorite time of year. The light is golden and reflects off the water in a different way than it did in summer. There's something about the shorter days in which I get up in the dark and see the sun setting earlier that makes me want to tuck further inside myself. It's a mysterious season to me. It seems that both plants and animals are preparing for the winter. Yet, during these glorious months it's a time to appreciate beaches without tourists, warm sweaters, the smell of burning leaves, and sleeping with windows open.

This year I'm appreciating all that surrounds me with more intensity than before. Everything just feels better and more alive. I'm going to enjoy as much of every day as I can.

Hump Day

It's been a busy Wednesday. I gave a noon seminar and then had a great tour of the state's aquarium. It was fun to give a talk on something that I've studied. That's the best kind of discussion: allowing interaction with the audience through questions.

It was nice to get a behind the scenes tour of the aquarium. There were cultures of jellyfish larvae and a few quarantined animals. I find the jellyfish so relaxing. I remember visiting Monterey aquarium and sitting for hours just watching the jellies pulsate. A tank of jellyfish would be a great stress reliever.

After all of that, I went down to row with a group that I haven't seen in a while. We used to get together regularly to row on the Harbor. Tonight was a good night for it, with a good breeze and clear skies. No serenity breakers today. Just a day of getting things done and enjoying all the different aspects of what I had to do. It's nice to just be and enjoy the moments of happiness that seem to be occurring more and more frequently.

Life is peaceful these days

I was thinking last night after my home group meeting about the remarkable changes that have happened to me and others through the program of Al-Anon. It's a peaceful feeling on most days. I don't feel all edgy, empty and anxious. I actually look forward to my time alone which is something that I never liked before.

I have learned to temper my expectations and by doing that I am pleasantly surprised when things go well. The program has taught me a lot about acceptance of others and not to react with anger when people differ from me in how they live their lives.

I've also learned to accept myself a lot better. I realize that being perfect isn't an option. I don't need to make comparisons with others on their relationships.

I've learned that it's possible to forgive myself for past transgressions. And that mistakes made in the present can be recognized quickly and amends made before resentments build.

These things aren't novel to Al-Anon or AA but they are novel for me. Seeing others change is like looking in a mirror. I can also see how I've changed for the better.

I'm not sure but I think....

that I'm being shut out. I've called a friend with whom I used to do a lot of things and have left several messages. No return phone call. Our friendship went down hill after I revealed that my wife and I were having problems. I just didn't feel like hiding it anymore. Maybe I was too honest but whatever the reason, there is very little of our old friendship left. I know that it's time to make amends.

My sponsor has said that my amends may not be accepted at first. I'm thinking that will be okay. I would like to simply state that I put too many expectations on the friendship and overburdened it with my own personal issues. I know that the friendship has been altered and I'm not sure whether it can be revived. Or whether I want it to be revived. I'm finding that the less I'm around people who are judgmental and critical, the better I feel.

Maybe his part in my story is over. Maybe I'm just trying to resusitate something that has breathed its last breath.

Small towns

I had a really nice weekend. I drove out of town, taking the back roads to Augusta, GA. I like going through small towns rather than driving the interstate. These are the towns where every one still knows your family and where the old "dead" buildings are still allowed to stand. I agree with another blogger that I read, it's nice to see old buildings still standing. It seems that their "soul" is taken away when they are torn down. Once proud, they now stand as reminders of the town's past. I like the idea that they are still there.

My home town used to be like that. Now it boasts a Super Walmart and all the little Mom and Pop stores have closed up. It takes away the uniqueness of a place and makes it the same as every other urbanized area. Just more McDonalds, WalMarts, Kangaroo Gas Stations, and endless strip malls.

I used to take for granted the beauty of the countryside where I grew up. Now all I can see is how the large corporations have ruined the landscape. I remember a hill overlooking a hay field where I would go in high school when I wanted to be alone. I would sit by the edge of the woods and look out over the rolling hay fields and feel such peace. When I was in college I went back to that same spot and looked out over a whole field of patio homes. Every one looked just like the other. It made me painfully realize that nothing remains the same, no matter how near perfect it is. Someone or something will come along to mess with it.

Life is just like that. Just when we have found something that is beautiful and moving, someone or something will likely try to mess it up. I'm grateful that this program helps me keep going during difficult situations where I have a potential to really mess things up. I'm finding more and more that my life feels altered but in a good way. I can still appreciate the beauty of life and all that it has to offer even during the most challenging of times. There is so much to learn and so much more growth to have.

Finally Friday

I am glad that it's Friday. I'm going out of town until Saturday afternoon, then coming back and working on the boat. I'm in bad need of a break from work and this weekend will do just fine. It's been raining most of the week and I've been tired and stayed up too late almost every night. It seems that after a meeting, I need some time to unwind and I do that by reading. I have a stack of books by the bed and read until my eyes cross (which may only be five pages).

Today is a happy day because it's Friday. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it another 3 years. We had a staff meeting this morning and it was long and made more painful by a colleague who is an alcoholic. He smelled of booze, was shaking and gray looking. Not a pleasant way to start anybody's day. Just the smell of the stuff makes me want to leave the room. But I made it through by looking out the window at the harbor. Taking a trip in your mind is sometimes the only way to get through difficult situations.

Anyway, hope that all have a good weekend. I'm out of here.

Letting go of past hurts

The topic in today's meeting was letting go of past hurts. I used to be really stuck in the past but over the past several months, I've come to realize how the steps have helped me to let things go. It started with Step Four when I wrote out my resentments and fears and looked at how I contributed to those things in my dealings with people, many of whom were from my past.

It got better when I did Step Five with my sponsor. It was a relief just to discuss my life and the way I've felt with someone else. And now with Step Nine, I'm seeing that it's possible to feel unchained from all the stuff that dragged me down. That's not to say that sometimes my mind doesn't go back to the old way of thinking, it's just that I'm able to get myself back to where I need to be through recognizing what I'm feeling. It seems that I'm able to look at what I've done and think of it as a part of my life history, both the good and the bad, that has formed who I am. What I can be rid of is the guilt, the resentment, the self-pity that used to bury me in the past. I think that working the steps has provided the best way for me to let go of the past and just focus on this moment and this day.

"I wanted to forget the past, but it refused to forget me; it waited for sleep, then cornered me." Margaret Atwood

Letter to my mother

Of all the people in my life, I think that you had the greatest influence on me. You were such a fun-loving person and one who was always interested in intellectual pursuits. I can still remember the summers collecting from the fields and ponds so that I could bring back specimens to look at under my microscope. I developed a great love of books from you and I know that my love for science came from spending my summers learning natural history of the area. Although your interests were in history which I never developed a real passion about, all that you talked to me about was assimilated and comes up in conversations today.

You were the one who always encouraged me to be the best and to work towards a career. You never discouraged me from graduate studies and I know that you were pleased that I achieved so much in my career. Your encouragement was what I needed and I looked on you as being knowledgeable on many subjects.

I never forgot all the things that you were involved in as the years went by. I believe that the depression that started around 1980 was one of the hardest things for me to understand. I didn’t know how to deal with the disease even though I tried to read as much about it as I could. I had sensed for a while some sadness in you, but I wish now that I had talked to you about it. I hope that you will forgive me for being too busy and too involved with my own life to be there when Dad got sick.

Because I belong to a great program that teaches me about myself in a spiritual way, I can see now many of the things that I did to hurt you. I was often impatient, irritable, disrespectful, and harsh to you. I cannot undo the past but I can tell you that if I could redo the past I would. The only thing that I can do is to ask your forgiveness for my not understanding you and not helping you when you needed me. I know that I did what I thought was right to keep you comfortable. It was my irritation as you aged that I am so sorry for.

I love you and miss you to this day. It is very hard when I think about watching the last years as you grew tinier. Yet, you still had that wonderful spark in your eye. I know that there were times when I diminished that spark through my actions and harsh words. I hope that you will forgive me for that.

Whenever I see an elderly person who needs assistance or who is being cared for by their child, I say a prayer and hope for the well-being of the parent and the child. I will be elderly sooner than later and will hope for loving hands to touch mine as I move towards the end of my life. I know now that it is important to have a kind word to say, a smile and a hand to hold. In my amends to you, I can say that I practice compassion towards all those who are in need of kindness. That is how I’ve changed in my life and how I will continue to change through the help of my Higher Power.

Know that I love you and miss you every day,

Syd

Puff of smoke

Last night I read my amends to my sponsor and a friend at my home group. We were in a cemetery at the old church where the meeting is held. It's a peaceful place with many old live oak trees.

The letters that I read were those that I had written to my parents and a couple of other relatives. After reading, I put each letter in a pot and my sponsor set fire to each one. We watched the smoke rise up and waft about on the wind. For my parents, the smoke seemed to surround me. It was cathartic and freeing.

I also called someone with whom I'd had a disagreement with a couple of years ago. This person was pleased that I had called and was shocked that I offered an apology for my behavior. It felt good to set something right that had gone so wrong. I'm working my way through my list of people to whom I will make amends. Some of these will have to wait until the time is right. I believe that I'll know when the right time occurs.

If wishes were horses

Remember the old rhyme that said, "If wishes were horses, then beggars might ride" ? Some days I have wishes that indicate how powerless I am over my own emotions. I wish that no one had to be affected by alcoholism. I wish that people would get over themselves and say what they mean and mean what they say. I wish that I could be completely happy without any companionship. These things are about as impossible as having wishes be horses.

For some reason, I'm finding myself feeling particularly vulnerable today. I'm still tired from the weekend and my back is really stiff from getting bounced around on the boat. I lapse into my worst thinking when I'm not feeling healthy in my body. Today, I just want to not do anything. I don't want to be around anyone, and I'm too numb from how the disease has affected me to really care. I know what to do and will get off my butt, get down on my knees, and get going with my day. If I stay too long inside my head today, I know that it won't be good.
I'm grateful that my home group meets tonight. I need to get to a meeting. I need to know that there are others who also have their dark moments. And that there is always a way to get out of my head by accepting that I can't change anyone or anything except me. Even as I write this, I can feel my thinking becoming right again. Time to start this day over again now.