Sandlapper roundup

I'm leaving today for the Sandlapper Roundup. I'm looking forward to a couple of days of speakers and workshops. This particular conference has been around for many years. There's a speaker tonight around 8:30 PM and the Al-Anon speaker is tomorrow morning. It should be a great opportunity to listen and learn.

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to:

1. Be part of a fellowship of men and women who are learning to live a better life than they ever dreamed

2. Use the talents that I have been given to improve myself and the world around me.

3. Have a day off from work in which I can work on myself

4. Take in the beauty that surrounds me and appreciate how lucky I am.

Listening

Listening is one of the things that now comes easy to me. I'd rather listen to someone else talk than to be the center of attention myself.  One of the things that I disliked about scientific meetings was to have to do "shop" talk when I really just wanted to be quiet and have some solitude.  

Sharing at Al-Anon meetings has been sometimes easy and sometimes difficult for me.  I used to dread having to share because I felt that I didn't have anything but pain to offer.  Now I see the solutions more clearly.  And I try to stick to the topic so that I don't ramble.  Still I often get so much just by listening to others share their E, S, and H. 

There have been many times though that I didn't want to listen to anyone.  I didn't want to listen to my father when I was a teenager.  I thought that I knew best and was sure in my stance and stubborn as a mule.  And there are still subjects that evoke passionate opinions from me, such as politics and conservation ethics.  

With the alcoholic,  I actually listened to the drunken self pity and the morning after apologies.  What I really wanted was to shut out the slurred words and the philosophical meanderings of a drunken mind.  Now I've come to realize that it would have been best if I'd not listened to any of that or tried to argue back or even tried to make sense by offering rational advice.  I've learned to trust my inner voice and to listen to it.  When that inner voice tells me that something isn't right, I listen and don't ignore it.  If it tells me to remove myself from an unacceptable situation, then I pay close attention.  If it tells me to keep my mouth shut and sit tight, then I inventory the situation and make a decision.  

Listening is a powerful part of the program.  Sometimes by just keeping quiet,  the answers that I seek become clear. 

Big dogs

Remember....be nice to others.
Because time will make a difference!

One Day....you may not be the big dog anymore!

This brought a smile to my face. How true it is! When dealing with any profession, you never know who is going to be at the top of the heap one day. But isn't it better to not have your ego so big that you think of yourself as a big dog at all? That way you just can be who you really are and not worry about how to climb over others on the way to the top. Thankfully, my ego has had a healthy reality check and I know that I'm no longer the one who is in control.

Have a great Wednesday. I'm grateful to be rowing this evening and for having a chance to watch the sun set and the moon rise.

Edgy

I chaired the meeting of my home group last night. My sponsor was back in town from the holidays and another member who had recent surgery was there. I enjoy this meeting because it is small and everyone has ample time to share. We do daily readings and have an opportunity to comment on them. And the topics are generally good.

We had started the meeting and were into the topic of the meeting when another member showed up late due to a punctured tire. She wanted to talk about the tire and what happened about it. That's all okay, but she was getting a bit long-winded about it, so I suggested that we get back to the meeting topic. She jokingly said that she didn't think that I was going to be so strict about the meeting.

For some reason, I felt angry over this. I needed to be at that meeting last night and wanted to get something out of it, yet there was a lot of cross talk and other discussion that didn't relate to either the topic or dealing with alcoholism. It bothered me enough that I wanted to get up, gather my things and walk out the door. I've never felt like actually leaving a meeting before, least of all my home group.

I inventoried why I was angry and found that it related to my self-esteem being lowered by what I perceived as disregard for the topic and for me because I was chairing. It was the old stuff surfacing in which people decide to play by their own rules and not mine. So it pissed me off. It was ironic to be discussing the topic of Just for Today (that I blogged about a few days ago) and yet I was as edgy as a piece of broken glass.

I know why I was bothered and I know that I still feel some resentment but realize that quite often what I hope to get from a meeting is not the same as what someone else hopes to get out of one. And just because someone else has a different agenda, doesn't mean that it has anything to do with me. Damn, this stuff is hard sometimes.

Wedding Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary. We've been married for more years than half my life. It makes me a bit sad to think about the years that were spent in the marriage that used to be and the one that occurs in the Now. The one that is "Now" is definitely better. For one thing, I don't fear to come home, not knowing what mood I'd find at home, or have to go to bed with someone who is shit faced. I don't have to fear social occasions anymore. I don't have to fear my reaction to alcoholism.

A therapist that we went to explained that the "old" marriage was dead. She asked what we would do in the new marriage. I said that I wanted to explore things that I had never allowed myself to do, work less and play more. When my wife was asked what she wanted to do, she said that she didn't really know but she knew that she wouldn't drink. That was an honest answer. She's learning to also have fun and enjoy the things that she likes to do. Sometimes we do these things together but we don't feel "obligated" to do so.

I asked a long time (64 years) married couple what their secret was. The wife replied with a laugh, "No secret, just a lot of pain". I asked if they did everything together. She said, "Hardly anything." I liked that answer because being stuck like glue to each other isn't exactly healthy either. I think that by breaking some of the symbiosis in the relationship, I feel much better and definitely more content.

We both went to work today but exchanged cards and gifts this morning. We had lunch and plan to go to dinner on Thursday when neither of us has an evening meeting. Who knows, we might make it to 64 years of marriage.

Just for Today

In the meeting last night, we talked about the meaning of this reading:

Just for today
I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that would
appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

I have learned to live in this day and not get stuck in what happened in the past. I also don't dream about the future but do the best that I can to focus on what is happening today. I don't think too much about how permanent situations are but rather that difficult things will eventually pass with time.

Just for today
I will be happy.
This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

I don't have much problem most days with being happy. I can have a choice to be miserable or I can choose to focus with gratitude on what's good about this day. There are moments when I crash into the pit but then I remember that won't last. I am lucky in that the glass is generally half full and I don't look for the negative.

Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Ah, now here is the hard one for me at times. I am still working at not having expectations. I'm working at giving up wanting things to go the way that I want them to. I know that I have to watch that I don't let myself look forward to feeling the way I expect to feel once something happens, because I can get quite agitated when that thing does NOT happen, or doesn't happen how I pictured it. I don't take disappointment well but am learning that if I temper or have no expectations then I'm not disappointed but pleasantly surprised when things go well.

Just for today
I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something
that requires effort, thought and concentration.

I don't have any problem with this since every day I'm working on something to strengthen my mind. It's my work. I sometimes think that I need the time when I can loaf and not think which is why I am glad to have the sailboat.

Just for today
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

This is another big one for me. And it's a more complicated one with a lot to think about. I guess it's all about selflessness, though, and sacrifice. I really like doing nice things for people, but part of what feels nice when someone does something for me is knowing they have. So I feel it's sort of counter-intuitive of me to do nice things in secret. But maybe also I just want to feel like people are pleased with me.

Doing two things I don't want to do every day could pretty much solve almost every problem I've ever had. I'm working on this one, and it is helping. Usually the two things I don't want to do everyday involve paperwork of some sort.

When I first read the one about not showing that my feelings were hurt, I thought that that was crazy. If you've grown up in a household where someone drank and criticized and then were married to an alcoholic, well, you've probably spent a lot of time not expressing your feelings or treading easily for fear of doing something wrong. I thought that it would be important to not keep my hurt feelings to myself now. But then the more that I thought about it, I realized that I would feel hurt easily and that most of the time, I've felt that my problems were always my fault. Then I would sink into self pity and blurt out what I was feelings to whoever I trusted.

What I've come to learn is that feelings aren't facts necessarily and that I don't need to blurt out every little hurt because in doing so it's not fair or constructive. I also have to look at my part in why I feel hurt. What was my role? If I express my feelings, I need to be able to do so without holding someone hostage or having those feelings be resented for what they seem to demand.

Just for today
I will be agreeable.
I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly,
keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit.
I won't find fault with anything,
nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

I think that one is over the top about the dress. I can see being agreeable if it's something I agree with. I can also be courteous and not judge or criticize others. I guess that I will look okay but I'm not going to put on a suit or dress to impress. It's not me. I also accept that I'm powerless and won't regulate anyone but myself.

Just for today
I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

I am grateful for the program. And I won't ever follow it exactly because it is progress not perfection. But the program is there for me. And I know that if I do the steps and go to meetings, I'll feel better.

I used to take on more than I could manage and would get stressed and hurried. Now I say NO to things that I don't want to do. I don't want to feel rushed. I want to think First Things First and Keep It Simple. What's the point of being rushed, when you don't even know what you are rushing toward?

I've never been indecisive about things related to work. But I do know that I've lived in unpredictable situations. And sometimes I felt reactive because of the situation. Now I just try to accept Life on Life's Terms and make decisions as things occur. I don't plan every day but think of it as a somewhat blank page. Then I deal with what comes up. I also like the idea of practicing the third step in which I made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understood him. That means I'm not always in control but can trust that my HP will help to guide me.

Just for today
I will have a quiet half hour all by
myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime,
I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

I do this in a number of ways. Taking walks on the beach and going sailing are my favorite ways to meditate. I also exercise and find that is a great way to let go of negative feelings.

Just for today
I will be unafraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy
what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world,
so the world will give to me.

I don't feel afraid of much any more. I also think that the world is beautiful and that there are many beautiful things every day to enjoy. I think that giving is far better than receiving. And there are many ways in the program to do service that will help make me a better person.

A lot to be thankful for

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think it's because there's very little about it that has been commercialized. There's no gifts to give, no stress of decorating, but just a lot of good food, friends and family. It's about being thankful for the bountiful things that surround us. It's about being with family, eating too much, taking a nap, sitting by a fire, and just relaxing.

I've always liked this holiday. Thanksgiving was always the first holiday of the year where turkey was cooked. And there was always a Smithfield ham--that hard, old ham with the strong flavor that Virginians love. And there was sage dressing, oyster stew, corn pudding, yams, a tray of spiced apples and peaches and sweet pickles, and sweet potato pie, mince pie or apple pie for dessert with real churned ice cream. All of this was served on the old Hepplewhite table in the big dining room. My father would carve the turkey and the ham with the bone- handled knife that has been in the family for generations. After dinner, everyone would retire to the living room where a fire would be burning in the fireplace. It was a good time.

And on this current day, it was too warm for a fire but the same food was cooked. And the joy of being with good friends and family made it special. It's like a lineage of good feelings on this day. And those feelings are precious and worth holding onto. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Lessons in recovery

Shadow tagged me to list 7 things that I've learned in recovery. I've learned a lot of things since coming to Al-Anon but here are the ones that immediately come to mind:

1. I am much more relaxed and comfortable with who I am and with other people.

2. I do the things that I enjoy now and don't kick myself or feel guilty about doing those things.

3. I don't feel obligated to pretend about much of anything anymore

4. That being honest in sharing and doing my inventory was not a big deal and I actually enjoyed it.

5. That I don't have to try to figure everything out but can just accept that sometimes things just are.

6. That one of the most important things that I could do was to find a sponsor to be my guide in the program and that person is fair, thorough and knowledgeable

7. That if you go to meetings, do the steps, read conference literature, do service work and talk with your sponsor, you'll find out how the program works. If you are willing, you'll actually work the program.

Sponsoring

“Being a sponsor has been an important part of my recovery from growing up with alcoholism. In fact, as a sponsor I never give as much as I get…When I have the privilege of hearing the secret of a sponsee expected to carry in silence for a lifetime, I am reminded of how relieved I was to finally lay down the burden of my secrets with my sponsor…In becoming a sponsor, I cultivate a listening heart for others as well as for myself.”..Hope for Today – August 23.

There are no musts in Al-Anon, except the purpose states that you are affected by someone else's drinking and the disease of alcoholism. In fact, you don't have to have a sponsor to work any step.

But I would say that having a sponsor is recommended because that person has been through the steps. They can share their experience. My sponsor has helped me see things that I would have missed. Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.

Al-Anon is about sharing. Somehow though when you first come to the program you may hear those words but telling them to someone who is a control freak with a persecution complex, brought on by a falling down drunk, and accustomed to isolation and solitary pursuits, loses something in the first translation. I like the saying “our best thinking got us here”, and while there’s some truth in that, it’s what we do after we get here, that will actually spell our recovery.

It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us. As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with . And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. I suppose one could use the words “half measures” and the result of those being always “nil”.

Plus, having a sponsor gives someone the opportunity to be a sponsor. I haven't been asked to be a sponsor yet, but I would consider it an honor and I'm sure there is as much to learn being a sponsor as being sponsored. I read a lot on sponsorship before I got a sponsor. I don't just do things because someone tells me I "should". Al-Anon has some good literature on sponsorship and there is a chapter on it in "How Alanon Works".

Just with my own ideas though I offer the following on what a sponsor is and isn't:
A Sponsor is not a Guru. A Sponsor is not a Savior. A Sponsor is not a Higher Power. A Sponsor is not-God. A Sponsor also is not a spiritual guide, spiritual advisor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, occupational advisor, relationship counselor, preacher, or a recovery counselor. I don't think that it could be said any better than in the Big Book:

"We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." From "How It Works", Alcoholics Anonymous.

But a sponsor is someone who has found a solution and serenity through Al-Anon and its twelve step program. I have faith, trust and confidence in my Sponsor to guide me to place my faith, trust and confidence in God as I understand him. It is my responsibility to seek guidance and direction from my HP in addition to seeking guidance and direction from my sponsor.

This is all that is and should be required to meet a responsibility and fulfill a commitment to Sponsor, if someone has accepted such a commitment.

I believe that every Al-Anon member has the responsibility to perform 12 Step Work. However, not everyone has to or should be a Sponsor. I think that sponsorship is not a vocation, career, or full time occupation. Undoubtedly, sponsorship requires commitment and responsibilities but if we place the requirements and responsibilities of Sponsorship too high, we will have no Sponsors. I believe that it it is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we keep what we have in our recovery.

Friendship

I've missed one of my friends in the fellowship for 3 weeks now. This person is a member of my home group and someone whose company I enjoy. He had a lady friend move in about three weeks ago and since that time, I haven't seen or heard much from him.

Tonight at the meeting, he shared that he asked the lady to move out. She's in another program, has limited to no money, and has started to fall behind in the sharing of expenses. The whole situation has apparently not been idyllic. So, after an argument yesterday, they decided to split up.

It's ironic that when I was around them, I thought that their relationship was great. They seemed focused on each other, kind to each other, and genuinely content. My friend shared tonight that wasn't the case.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out but I'm glad to see him back at meetings and that he's relieved about the situation. It's easy to get involved with others and lose track of ourselves.

District meeting and other things

I went to the District meeting on Saturday and after some discussion the group voted to have an Al-Anon Information Service for our district and to rotate the phone service. I was glad that there was positive discussion and that the group decided to move forward with some things that will offer opportunities for service to more members and will provide more information for people within our district.

After the meeting, I headed to Compass Rose and went out on her for an overnight. I towed along a little aluminum boat Oardacity. The boat came in handy for a trip to one of the islands near where I anchored for the night. On Sunday morning, I got up early and rowed Oardacity to the island. There was hardly any wind and it was cool enough to walk the entire length of the bird sanctuary without getting eaten up by gnats.

I found a pottery shard during my walk. It is obviously old with a mast of a schooner on it. Just a piece of the past but beautiful nonetheless. I have a number of pottery shards and pipe pieces that I've found on my property. It seems that much of this historical place has yet undiscovered archaeological finds. They may not be treasure but interesting.

I hope that everyone had a good weekend. Mine was full of life.

An Intergroup?

There's a GR meeting tomorrow and one of the topics is how best to get information out via the phone about Al-Anon--it's purpose, a meeting schedule, and a voice. Without going into detail, because the district we're in doesn't have an Al-Anon Information Service (similar to an AA intergroup), we don't have a contact number listed with the World Service Office.

My thoughts are that we need to have an AIS for our district in order for people who need Al-Anon can have a number to call. I was wondering what your experience has been with having an Intergroup (or AIS) for your district. Do you think that it's an essential and needed service? Is your phone contact rotated among individuals? It is unlikely that there will be "office" for the AIS but a post office box is all that's needed, other than a volunteer to take calls if a voice message is left.

Any thoughts that you might have on this would be much appreciated.

Tradition Five--Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

Concept Four--Participation is the key to harmony.

The book of wisdom

I'm glad that it's Thursday. I'm more or less recovered from my cold but still don't feel completely over it. I have a staff meeting tomorrow that I'd rather not attend. After that, I have some odds and ends to finish up and then I'm going to get some rest.

I hope to be able to get out on the water this weekend, maybe taking Compass Rose along with a row boat so that I can get to shore. There's a couple of islands near the city that I'd like to visit. One is the bird rookery that is now open for people to walk on it. The other is the site of an historic fort. Not to mention, the water is too cool to swim to shore anymore.

I'm going to take along Into the Wild with me to read. I read it a long time ago but want to re-read it again. I did finish the Short Bus by Jonathan Mooney. It was a profound book. My favorite chapter was the one about Mike and his Book of Wisdom. Here's some words of wisdom:

All that has
offended me I forgive.
Within and without
I forgive things past,
Things present, things
Future I forgive.
I forgive everything and
everybody who can possibly
Need forgiveness.
Of the past or the present. I forgive
positively everyone. I am free
and they are free, too.
All things are cleared up now
Between us now and
Forever.

Are you hooked on a feeling?

Remember that old song about being "hooked on a feeling"? It might not be too far from the truth. I was reading a blog about the components of a healthy relationship. One of the thoughts was that love has to be a decision not a feeling. That's like the chicken or the egg question....or is it?

Dictionaries define love simply as "an intense feeling of deep affection". So that would mean that love is at the level of other feelings like anger, sadness, happiness. But then there is the other concept of love being a conscious decision to care for someone. Obviously, there are going to be times when you don't feel much love, yet you have decided that overall you do love the person in spite of the warts.

But maybe there's a third option here that relates more to chemical dependency. There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you're in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we're in long-term relationships.

The falling in love part comes with those feelings of giddiness and a racing heart, flushed skin, and pure bliss. These physiological feelings come from the chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine that are released into our system. Dopamine is called the "pleasure chemical". Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. Together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. So there appears to be a reason for feeling "love sick" and addicted to love.

MRI's have been used to examine the brains of people who are looking a photo of their romantic interest during the initial crazed stage of attraction. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens focus, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. What this means is that couples in this stage of love think of little else but each other.

Other research has shown that the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage may be the result of lower levels of serotonin. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.

But these chemicals can't be sustained for a long period of time and gradually the passionate focus-crazed love-attraction phase wanes and is replaced by commitment, if the relationship continues.

Maybe this is where the decision part comes into play. Love at this stage isn't about chemicals as much as it is about choices. And sacrifice and concern for the other person. As one writer put it, love is about stubbornness and the ability to stick with a person through the worst of times.

And that's where I am glad that Al-Anon comes into play. Because if love were just a feeling and not a decision, I don't think that I would still be married. It seems that the longer you're with a person, the more that love becomes a decision.

But to keep this a bit light hearted, I really like the comment made on the blog Baxter Sez. Basically, it's that keeping a relationship healthy requires immovability. "In other words, combine those record collections! Put all your books on the same shelf. Your pots and pans should hang together. That way, after that giant fight to end all fights, you’ll realize it’s probably more trouble to separate all that stuff than to actually stick together."

I like that idea.

Alcohol and domestic violence

I've always thought that there was a link between alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Statistics do indicate a connection between alcohol and drug abuse and domestic violence. In fact, 92 % of domestic abuse assailants reported use of alcohol or other drugs on the day of the assault, according to an article in JAMA.

But there are other studies that question whether there is a cause-and-effect relationship. Although research indicates that among men who drink heavily, there is a higher rate of assaults resulting in injury, the majority of men classified as high-level drinkers do not abuse their partners. Also, the majority (76 percent) of physically abusive incidents occur in the absence of alcohol use. In short, it appears that alcohol does not and cannot make a man abuse a woman, but it is frequently used as an excuse. Many men drink and do not abuse anyone as a result. On the other hand many men abuse women when they are sober.

One of the vivid incidents in my life that still comes back to haunt me happened when I was in graduate school. I was having dinner at my major advisor's house. It was a late dinner which always happened there because happy "hour" generally lasted about five hours resulting in dinner around 10 PM.

Anyway, there was a knock on the door. I was closest so I opened the door. There stood an older woman naked from the waist up, with dark bruises on her torso, her lip busted and bleeding, and her eye blackened. She was crying and begging to come in saying that her husband had beat her up.

I remember feeling shock, horror, fear and anger all rushing at me at once. I must have been in shock because I invited her in as if she were another guest coming to dinner. My date also looked horrified but had the presence of mind to grab an afghan off the back of a chair to cover the lady.

By this time, my major adviser and his wife came in and seemed to be nonplussed. The wife lived next door. Evidently, the husband was a drunk who on occasion would take his frustrations out on his wife and beat her up. I wanted to call the police but was told that it was best to stay out of it--The couple would handle it "their" way. So after getting a shirt for the lady to wear and making sure that she wasn't going to die right away, my major adviser escorted the beaten wife home, found the husband passed out, and left her to take care of herself.

I know that I didn't have a role in the abuse but have also had to face the regret that I have had about not doing more for the battered woman. I had never seen battery of another person. But I acquiesced to what my major adviser said. It's one of those things that I have inventoried. And I now know that calling the police isn't necessarily the best solution but can actually trigger more violence.

Whether or not domestic violence is "caused" by alcohol seems academic when faced with the real thing. Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims, and have major league denial. Abusers suffer from low self-esteem and don't take responsibility for their actions.

There are many informational sites on the web about domestic violence. Here is a list of some of them: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/abuse/Domestic_Abuse_and_Violence.htm

Keeping going

I am still feeling the effects of a cold but did get out on the water yesterday and today. I didn't do an overnight but worked on some improvements to the forward hatch yesterday and today went for a sail in the Harbor, anchoring up until late afternoon at a bird sanctuary near the marina.

It was a beautiful weekend for sure. Crisp mornings followed by warm afternoons were a delight. On Saturday I walked along the beach with a couple of the dogs and ran into the biscuit lady who has been MIA for several weeks. The dogs were delighted to see her and so was I. I actually had begun to be concerned about her absence and the fact that her old cell number no longer worked. It was a relief to know that she was okay and she seemed touched that I had been concerned about her.

I also witnessed a wedding at the beach. It was a small wedding with just a few people in attendance. The bride was obviously pregnant and the groom looked serious and glum. This little ceremony touched me and made me sad in a way that's hard to describe. I thought about whether this is how they had envisioned their wedding day to be. And I thought about the odds stacked against them in this marriage. I hope that their lives will be as happy as they can be and that all goes well for this family.

I didn't go to my regular Monday home group meeting tonight because of feeling tired from the day and achy from the cold bug. It's my favorite meeting. And I can tell that I am missing what I needed most on this day.

Finally, many thanks to all the Veterans who served this great country in the past and who are presently serving. Let Freedom Ring.

A bit under the weather

I've finally caught a cold. I guess it's that time of year when getting shut up in airplanes and traveling about has its risks. Hopefully, I can kick this one in a couple of days. There's way too much to do and it's the weekend. I don't want to spend it feeling miserable or in bed. I'm not feeling too miserable right now but have a sore throat and a stuffed up nose. I'm not a very good patient but am planning to take it easy today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and decide whether it's wise to spend the night on Compass Rose.

I haven't been around to checking up on everyone's blogs but will hopefully get that done tonight. I checked on the Haalf Naaked Thursdaay postings but only saw one. I've not had anything too exciting to post lately and just haven't felt a burning desire to do so. Some days I feel that I can't keep up with all that I have to do.

We're studying the traditions in my Monday night group. I'm looking forward to going over them. It seems that the traditions provide guidelines not only for the groups but for everyday living. It's one of those things that I used to not see the purpose in when I first got started. At that time, I didn't know the history of AA or how the traditions came about. Just as with the whole program, everything makes so much more sense to me today.

Today I'm grateful for:
1. Being content and happy with who I am
2. Having an immune system that will fight the cold that I've got
3. Not having stepped in a large pile of dog poop this morning when I went to get the paper
4. Having the weekend ahead
5. Those who are in my life and who have my back.
6. Not having to do anything this weekend if I don't want to.

Away again

I was away all day yesterday at a meeting in Virginia. Got up at 4 AM and caught a very early flight and got back home around 11:30 PM last night. It was a meeting with several other scientists.

I guess that it's been a while since I've seen scientific egos go at each other. But watching the one-up-manship at work made me glad that I have a choice of whether to join in or just sit still. I chose the latter.

I can remember how I'd get pleasure in years past of feeling full of myself and being arrogant when I knew that I was right about a study or had the data to substantiate a point. I'd hammer it home. Now I think back on what an ego driven jerk I could be. I wouldn't ever be yelling but sometimes just cold hard statements are even worse. So witnessing yesterday's tirade by one of the scientists made me realize once again that I'm thankful that I can accept a divergence of opinion and work towards a way to unify people in a discussion. This is a good example to me of how Tradition One works in the program and in my life.

My first Al-Anon meeting

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
T.S. Eliot

I remember my first Al-Anon meeting and how desperate I felt on that night. I had decided through the suggestion of a friend that I needed to go to Al-Anon because I felt empty and lost. My marriage was a mess and I was also a mess. The wrong location was posted on the web site so I drove to a housing project, found the door locked, and started to leave. Then, a woman came out and asked me if she could help me. I said that I was looking for the Al-Anon meeting. She said that AA met at the housing project and that Al-Anon met up the road at the Community Center.

It would have been easy for me to just go back home at that point. I'd given it a try but with the wrong address, I could come up with an excuse not to be there. Something told me that I just couldn't do that. So I got in my car and drove to the address given, hoping to find the meeting.

It's kind of funny because my SO had a similar thing happen for the first AA meeting. She drove to where she thought the meeting would be but there were no cars, no lights. She drove to another location and the same thing--no cars, no lights. She came home angry and despondent. The next night, she found a meeting near where we live and that has become her home group. I guess the HP was guiding her towards sobriety and me towards recovery.

I guess that somehow I realized that I hadn't come to make anyone stop drinking and that I was coming because I wanted to feel better, to feel something. Some people come to Al-Anon looking for a solution for the alcoholic--"What can I do to make him/her stop drinking?" That’s the kind of answer that people are looking for, but instead Al-Anon shows us how to be happy regardless of whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

So I went there and when the "leader" asked me what brought me to Al-Anon, I shared in a halting voice how low I felt and what a mess my life was. No one said a word, they just let me talk. They said that they were glad that I was at the meeting. And that if I kept coming back, I would feel better.

I didn't get any answers that night but I learned that the answers are really hidden in the experiences of the people at the meetings. After months of meetings and hearing the experience, strength and hope of the participants, I began to formulate some answers by me for me. I also learned that I didn't need to make immediate and life changing decisions all at once. By going to more meetings, I found that the decisions just came and sometimes presented themselves before I really knew the questions.

When I think about what a difference the program has made in my life, I sometimes want to "promote" the program. But, just like AA, it's a program of attraction not promotion. A person isn't going to go to a meeting until ready. I can make information available, but then have to let it go at that.

I don't think of Al-Anon as something that I can "graduate" from. I go because when I go to meetings, I feel better, and I will keep going because the program provides steps for a great way to live. For me, the bottom line is that being in recovery doesn't keep me from having problems or feeling pain, but the program gives me tools to deal with those problems.

A fair weekend

Well, Friday night at the fair was a lot of fun. I hadn't been to one since I was a kid. I walked around the midway to get a sense of where things were and then went for a ride on the Ferris wheel (and got a kiss at the top), went in a non scary Fun House (I think that I'm too old to be scared by moving floors anymore), and experienced zero gravity on the Gravity Drop. The latter was probably the coolest ride, largely because you have to believe that the compressed air brakes are going to stop you as you free fall and experience zero gravity. What a rush that feeling was!

After all that and listening to some music, I got a steak sandwich but decided to bypass the fried lard. Maybe the idea was that I don't want a bypass, so I passed on the fried lard. Anyway, there were lots of good smells of all kinds of things that were bad for cholesterol levels and there were a lot of people eating things like fried dough, elephant ears, and funnel cake.

I think that my favorite exhibit was the agricultural one in which there were different animals such as cows, chickens, pigs, goats, horses and rabbits being exhibited. The baby goats were interesting because they were already practicing their butting. The rabbits were large, furry and soft. There were many different breeds of rabbits but the giant chinchilla was fascinating.

On Saturday, I worked on the boat for most of the day and then in the evening went to see a friend pick up his 17 year chip. It was great to see that and he was obviously happy about it.
All in all, it was a nice weekend and one that brought a lot of happiness. The only sad note was finding out that a friend in one of my groups has cancer and will have an operation tomorrow. I'm hoping that all will turn out okay for Jamie.

Today I'm grateful for:

• A meeting tonight in which we'll share our experience, strength and hope
• Spending a weekend doing fun things and with people that I enjoyed
• Seeing my friend pick up his 17 year chip
• Having another day to be alive and actually feel like living
• The friends that I've made in the program
• Trusting that the God of my understanding will help the sick and suffering

The Ox

Hmm...I always thought of myself as a Tiger but I'm an Ox according to the Chinese Zodiac. I've never much believed in these things but this description is pretty accurate. Thanks Shadow for the idea.

Oxes may appear docile, but watch out! They also have quite a temper. They are extremely determined and work tirelessly to get what they want (for sure I can relate!) . Step by step and piece by piece, they move steadily toward their goals. People born under the sign of the Ox are dependable and stick to a routine until the job is done. They are fair-minded and good listeners, but they can also be extremely stubborn.(yeah, sometimes I need to be hit over the head but eventually get it).

Because of their trustworthy character, Oxes will often hold positions of authority and responsibility. They always get ahead in the world. They must be careful not to become slaves to their jobs or profession (Thanks to the program, I have learned to unslave myself) . Oxes can be forceful leaders and eloquent speakers when the occasion arises. In troubled times they will have great presence of mind and will never be intimidated (I'm generally fearless about most things that I believe in). They are very proud souls (one of my character defects). Oxes are systematic and respect traditions. They mistrust things they don't understand,and they hate loose ends.They can also be vulnerable in romance (how true, how true). They are so straightforward that they don't relate to the love games others play. Since it takes a long time to develop intimate relationships, Oxes like long courtships. Once they have made up their minds, they are loyal and giving-almost to a fault (see yesterday's blog on this one).

Ox people are neat and punctual, honest and hard working. Oxes make ideal mates since they always do more than their share (maybe the stars were aligned against me but thankfully I found Al-Anon). They have a long memory and remember the little details others miss. Once Oxes are angry with you, they will carry their grievance a long way (resentments are the main problem). When they are unhappy or upset, they will bury themselves in their work until they feel better(When I got busy, I got better). Oxes always pay their debts. If they owe you anything, they will never forgive themselves until the debt is paid. They always remember a favor, and though they don't use flowery words,they will show their appreciation in other ways. Their actions speak louder than words (sometimes that's so true).

When Oxes lose their temper, they really lose it! There will be no reasoning with them, so get out of their way until they cool off (I seldom get really angry but when it happens, it's quick and harsh). Always appeal to the head rather than to the heart of the Oxes. They quickly understand the pros and cons to the situation. Oxes seldom get sick and are not tolerant of weaker people. They should learn how to relax more (I'm learning this one more and more).

Oxes hate to ask for help. If it takes them twice as long to accomplish something, they still prefer working alone (the aloneness thing again--that's been my way). They want things to last and build them with care. Oxes love their home and family and provide well for them. They do well at long term investments with stability and firm foundations. They are definitely not gamblers. Oxes earn their success by their own merits and don't expect any free rides.(never have gotten any free rides and still feel that hard work is what gets me where I need to be).

Pretty interesting stuff. Now I'm going to leave work early, go goof off for a few hours, and head to....the local fair where I'll eat some fried lard, go on some silly rides that are put together by people who have poor dental hygiene and questionable IQ's, visit the livestock exhibit to pet the cows and sheep, get kissed at the top of the Ferris wheel (hopefully) and go to the Fun House. So I'm really going to be a Tiger for an evening.

Pleasing everyone?

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the
river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

The parable is funny but it also hits close to home. I spent most of my life trying to please others. It never worked, and I would always be filled with resentment when my "good" deeds would go unnoticed or be glossed over. The people pleasing behavior is one of those things that children of alcoholics do well.

I guess that it's not unusual to want to be liked or to please the people that we love or who are important to us. When I was growing up, people pleasing was part of what my parents expected since they were big on manners and diplomacy. But somewhere along the way, I got hooked on this behavior and had this love/hate relationship with being liked.

I knew that I didn't fit in but that would only make me try harder to do so. When I would fail in my attempts at fitting in, I would be angry for a while and then I would redouble my efforts to please because the fact that I failed was due to my inability to effectively please others. It was a vicious circle of anger, self-loathing, and unhappiness.

I don't know whether I ended up sacrificing my entire personality for others but I came pretty close to losing myself. What probably saved me is becoming beaten down to the point that I no longer wanted to please anyone, not even myself. I just gave up which is what brought me to Al-Anon. I finally realized that my way wasn't working and that I had no control over anyone or anything.

I'd like to say that I no longer want to please. But there are times when I'm around the people that I love that I know I'm willing to do favors, help out, or go the extra mile. I have to stop myself from taking over someone's responsibilities. I have to keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Even if it means the other person falls flat.

I now know that my friendship and love is enough. I don't have to give gifts all the time or take people places or do any of the other things that I would do whether I really wanted to or not. I realize that I deserve to have friends and healthy relationships. And I don't have to volunteer for things at work because others look to me to take up the slack. I can just say NO.