Maybe that explains it....

If you get a proposal of marriage today, it could be a good or bad thing. Looking back at the culture of Leap Year, it has been the traditional time that women can propose marriage. In times past, women were only allowed to pop the question on one day every four years. That day was February 29th.

The first documentation of this practice dates back to 1288, when Scotland passed a law that allowed women to propose marriage to the man of their choice in that year. They also made it law that any man who declined a proposal in a leap year must pay a fine. The fine could range from a kiss to payment for a silk dress or a pair of gloves. Today, it might mean that you have to cough up a Corvette.

There is a Greek superstition that claims couples have bad luck if they marry during a leap year. Apparently one in five engaged couples in Greece will avoid planning their wedding during a leap year.

I'm not Greek, but my wife and I were married during a leap year. I don't think that has anything to do with the ups and downs of our marriage but these superstitions no doubt have a basis.

On this leap day, I'm grateful that:

• It's a Friday which means the weekend is almost here
• I'm not superstitious about dates, black cats, ladders or other things
• I don't foresee any marriage proposals on the horizon
• I'm practicing Easy Does It more and more
• I'm more rested today than yesterday

Hope that each of you has a good weekend.

The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. Sir Francis Bacon

The six word story of life

I read in the local paper how the online magazine Smith asked readers to write the story of their own lives in a single sentence. The result is Not Quite What I Was Planning, a collection of six-word memoirs by famous and not-so-famous writers, artists and musicians.

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words:"For sale: baby shoes, never worn.". Here are some other gems:

I came. I saw. I blundered
- Scott Ferrard

After Harvard, had baby with crackhead.
- Robin Templeton

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
- Margaret Atwood

We kissed. She melted. Mop please!
- James Patrick Kelly

Don’t marry her. Buy a house.

- Stephen R. Donaldson

Thought I was right. I wasn't.

- Graeme Gibson

And here are others from the local area

- "Quarter century. This can't be it."

-- "Progress slow with foot in mouth."

-- "Never thought I'd love this much."

-- "I make a living questioning authority."

-- "Oops! I forgot to have children."

-- "Oops! I had children. I forgot."

-- "Too much planning, not enough execution."

-- "Aimed for stars, only reached treetops."

-- "The last of too many children."

-- "I never learned from last time."

-- "Had my fun, then got married."

I think that my six word life story might be:

"Loved, lost, gave up, then found"

In the spirit of brevity, How about sharing yours?

Is my life unmanageable?

I met with my first sponsee last night to begin discussion on Step One. I can see myself in much of what he talks about. I think that he is very bright and knows more about the program than I did when I came in. I shared with him the materials that were provided to me for working Step One.

One is the list of questions that I've put below. These questions helped me to see where I am and to instill in me that I need to have rigorous honesty in my answers. I thought that some of you might want to use it in your own recovery.

1. Do I constantly seek approval and affirmation?

2. Do I fail to recognize or believe my accomplishments?

3. Do I fear criticism?

4. Do I overextend myself?

5. Have I had problems with my own compulsive behavior?

6. Do I have a need for perfection?

7. Am I uneasy when my life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

8. Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

9. Do I still feel responsible for others, as I did for the problem drinker in my life?

10. Do I care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for myself?

11. Do I isolate myself from other people?

12. Do I respond with anxiety or hostility to authority figures and angry people?

13. Do I feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of me?

14. Do I have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do I confuse pity with love, as I did with the problem drinker?

16. Do I attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?

17. Do I cling to relationships because I am afraid of being alone?

18. Do I often mistrust my own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

19. Do I find it difficult to express by emotions?

20. Am I attracted to people who have lots of problems I think I can fix?

Withholding

Since being in the program, I know that I haven't been totally present in a couple of relationships. One has been with my wife, who I love but have also pulled away from in recent years. I think it's mainly been to protect myself and make myself less vulnerable. Sometimes my body has been present and my mind hasn't been. Sometimes my mind has been present but my body has shut down.

I think that at the time I entered Al-Anon, I needed time out in the relationship. Maybe it was appropriate and healthy to shut down at that time. As my recovery has taken steps forward, I've focused on the things that I want to do. I've not shut my self off in the relationship anymore, but I'm not as available or present as I once was.

And in a friendship that I've written about on here, I've basically let it go. After making my amends, I pulled away and have heard nothing from the person. It's as if the friendship didn't exist. I think that I was unavailable to the friendship during the time when I started in the program. I was no longer present or the same person as I was before.

And then there is my avoidance of a meeting where I originally started in Al-Anon. I began in Al-Anon there but found that over time, the dominance of one person made me uncomfortable. So I decided to attend other meetings and effectively closed myself off from that group.

And now I'm wondering whether these were all healthy choices or part of some kind of withholding and relationship sabotaging on my part. By withholding and departing, the other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone.

So I'm pondering what I accomplished by backing away. Was it because I needed some time to get my own head together? Did I need time to heal? To sort things out? Or was I using some old adaptive behaviors from my past in which I hid, ran or let go of relationships because I was afraid that there was no other way to take care of myself? Dog eat dog, run or be killed, hide or be found.

Today, I believe that in my marriage I have become a different person. I am no longer just there because of another but am working on a life that includes things that I want to do. In many ways, it's a much better relationship than before. Not as confining, not as predictable, not as filled with anxiety. It's as if I have become my own person and not an extension of another.

In the friendship, I withdrew because I couldn't foresee that there was anything left on which to base a friendship. My repeated attempts to call or contact the person were largely ignored. So during the amends, I saw that the other person had decided to shut down and no longer wanted to be available. I accept and respect that decision.

In the case of the dominant "leader" of the meeting, I sense that the other person is controlling and manipulative. I don't get a feeling of warmth and love. I don't get a feeling that the person "walks the walk". The amends born of my resentment to her is one that I need to make. And then I can move on.

Withholding can be a double edged sword. It can excise those people that may be harmful but it can also sever relationships that we didn't intend to remove. Handle with care. It cuts both ways.

Imperfections

I've been asked to sponsor someone in the program and this is both exciting and daunting. I think about how much more I need to learn. I wonder if I'm ready for guiding this person. I hope that I have the wisdom to work with another as my sponsor has done with me.

And that has turned my thoughts to imperfections, mainly mine. Having expectations of perfection in myself and others is unrealistic. I know that and yet I can punish myself or another through comparison, smugness, and judging.

I've felt it necessary many times to justify what I was doing, rather than just accepting that I'm okay and that I don't owe explanations to anyone but my HP.

I am telling myself that there is no perfect way, only God's way. No comparison, no perfection, no judging, just an open mind, humility and acceptance.

A gift

Tonight, my sponsor B. received his 16 year chip. Instead of focusing on the biographical aspects of his story, he chose to talk about what sponsoring has meant, both in terms of having a sponsor and sponsoring others.

He pointed out that confusion, fear and willfulness are generally running the individual who first comes into Al-Anon. And that even though the man who B. asked to be his sponsor could not identify with his story, he still consented and worked with B., imparting knowledge from years in the program.

I know that there are many different kinds of sponsors. Some are controlling, some are more laid back and some are almost detached. What I've been happiest with is B.'s willingness to be my guide in this program. He has not directed me but has shared his own experience, strength and hope to show me the way to achieve my own serenity.

I may not always agree with what I hear. I am responsible for listening to the information that comes to me and from there, I sift and sort through to make a decision that appears to be the best for me. And as I've heard so many times, I take what I like and leave the rest.

I know that my path has given B. some consternation quite a few times. But his gift is that he is able to give to me and trust that I have a source of guidance and wisdom. And that I have the ability to discern what is best for me and the right to steer a course by making mistakes and learning. He has never said to me "I know what you need." . . . "I know what you should do." . . . "Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now." These statements that would be made in an effort to control would do much more harm with me than good.

Being my sponsor is a great gift that he has given to me. And he has shown me the steps that enable me to trust myself to be able to discover who I am through an often imperfect process of mistakes and corrections. It isn't an easy path and I've had to struggle to reach that quiet, still place within myself. This is the great gift that I have given myself.

Human being not Human Doing

I want to share with you a comment that Irish Friend of Bill wrote:

"Human BEING not a human DOING.
The outward evidence can be misleading. don't look to the 'world' for validation as it is temporary therefore will disappoint eventually. But if the world is secondary you can 'do stuff' without losing perspective of its true significance. Inner work is very important, and may NEVER 'reveal itself' to you. It is only the ego that wants its identity reinforced. Better to ignore all its requests for validation.
Don't worry. Its the quality of your inner condition or presence that matters. A life spent 'doing' that leaves you unsatisfied is no good. The big book says be happy joyous and free first, and have a life whose purpose is helpfulness. I think that's a good enough map for me. Regardless of what results I get to see. Results are nice it has to be said, but I shouldn't rely on them. A lot of it is faith really. "

I have spent most of my life doing. Some of it has been satisfying and some has seemed false. I like the idea of just being. Being real and not putting on a false face to the world. Being grateful for the simple things. And being accepting of what others have to say, even though I may not always agree.

I like the idea of helpfulness too. But I also have taken that to the extreme. Helpfulness can slip over into control easily. So today I know that I can be helpful and kind without expectations of getting strokes or trying to change the other person. It's tricky work and requires me to do constant monitoring of myself. Now I'm going to head off to go monitor some sails and get underway on Compass Rose.

Have a Saturday feeling kind of day.

What kind of legacy?

I recently met with my attorney to update my will. Because we have no children or siblings, deciding what to do with all the "stuff" that we have has caused me a bit of worry.

Maybe it's because the "stuff" has been in the family for generations. Maybe it's the love for the property where we live. The house is filled with family heirlooms. I also have all of my mother's papers and my father and uncle's memorabilia from their seagoing days. I also have to consider my beloved pets.

It surprised me that updating a will would bring up a lot of emotions. One of them was fear of loss of my wife. I've lost my parents and still grieve them. Loss of someone with whom I've spent most of my life is hard to contemplate. And I feel the guilt surrounding our relationship in which I'm now spending time doing things that I like. Am I being too selfish in recovery?

The other emotion was one of self-pity that revolved around whether anyone would miss me when I die. Would anyone care? What am I going to be remembered for? What have I done to make the world better or to help others?

Contemplating one's mortality is never easy. I think that the best thing I can do is make plans for the inevitable. But also believe that I can't get stuck in wondering about the future. Instead I'm much better off just being the best that I can be today. Then everything will fall into place.

"Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day."
Billy Graham

Grey days

It's grey outside today. I'm looking out at the water and like the overcast feel of the day. I've come to like cloudy days. Maybe I've lived too long in hot weather and appreciate any respite from the sun. But there's something comforting about having it be cloudy outside. It's close to having a rainy day when I can go into a cave like existence.

I would like to move back to the cave today. The meeting has been non productive but painless so far. I didn't expect too much to be actually accomplished. Most of these meetings allow an exchange of ideas but often we find that it's a pie in the sky kind of thing. We don't have the information really needed to do what we want to do.

I used to let things like that frustrate me. I would generally make a statement that we don't even know the basics so how can we move to the multi-level complicated modeling of the environment. Now I'm resigned to not having the answers. I don't know if we will have the answers we loftily look for. Maybe just having a mental exercise is important. I'm not going to grandstand today. I'll just blend in and listen and hope to hear something that will stimulate me.

A long drive

Today I drove to Duke Marine Lab for a meeting. Driving provides a time to think about lots of things including what I'm thankful for. I just have to look at the water and the full moon rising over it to feel grateful and awed by something greater than myself.

Even though I have meetings coming up that will keep me in a room for a couple of days, I feel much better than I did earlier in the week. I'm grateful for being able to set aside my self-will , ego and fears to become "receptive to a larger reality."

Dave asked about what it's like to have a slip in Al-Anon. In the past, a slip for me would leave me feeling really low. I would feel unfocused and often overwhelmed. And these feelings would come up mostly because of a feeling of rejection brought on by criticism or some other perceived slight. I would generally revert to the old way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. I would start obsessing over what I could do to change the situation. And this would happen even though I would realize that nothing I was doing was going to make a difference.

And I would look for a way to feel better by doing anything I could to find solace, trying to validate myself in some way. An alcoholic might get drunk but I would just be miserable and either throw myself into my work, physically exhaust myself through exercise or try to look for validation in other people.

This is a slip, and I know that it won't last forever. It's painful when it occurs, almost like a depression. But I have found that the days when I feel really low, are the time that I need to focus on recovery, get to a meeting and practice some positive affirmations. I know that I need to cut myself some slack and not expect things to go the way that I want them.

As I've read, "we can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today."

Give it up

There are just some days that I want to start over. Today was one of those. I won't go into specifics but suffice to say that someone I care about has been more than a little irritable lately. I had a moment today that I wanted to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."

It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.

But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.

In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."

This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.

These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.

And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.

I got excited for a minute...

I looked at my last post and saw 33 comments. I was wondering what was going on. It looks like while I was away there was a lot of interest in my site. So after careful consideration, I went through and deleted the comments made by the Mickster. Your posts were repetitive and just too long so they went to the dusty bin.

Anyway, I did have a good weekend. The weather was great. The theater on Saturday night was funny--an improvisation performance by the Have Not's on Rednecks. I think that you had to be there to appreciate just how funny it was! And if you don't know what a redneck is...well...that's okay too.

The weekend meeting was a good one. And there were so many people in attendance--over 50 at least. It is painful to hear the hurt sometimes. Especially from a young lady who said that her mother was out driving drunk. But she made a great comment....she said that she didn't want to go home but that sometimes you just have to walk in and past the bullshit. I liked that. She seems to be doing her best to deal with the disease.

The spring peepers are out and making a chorus in the wetland near the house. That is a harbinger of spring for sure. I'm out of town the rest of the week as I have a meeting in NC. I'll catch some winter again for a few days. I'll try to catch up with everyone as soon as I can. Have to give a couple of talks tomorrow.

A three day weekend

I'm looking forward to three days away from work. No deadlines and commitments, just hanging out and maybe going on the boat. There's a big event in town and I might go by to watch some of the Dock Dog events and see the animals.

The weekend is supposed to be glorious here. Light winds, no rain and temps near 70 degrees. I just feel spring coming on. Maybe I'm still not done with winter but the plants in the yard are letting me know that it's time to leaf out. I hope that they don't get fooled because March can sometimes be quirky.

I've had four Al-Anon meetings this week. I think that I needed them. For some reason, I let my expectations get hold of me and when that happens, I know that I'm heading down a slippery slope. Thank goodness for daily readings, talks with my sponsor and several meetings where I heard what I needed to hear. That's no coincidence. I seem to hear what I need at just the time that I'm about to go deeper into despair. I think that indicates the wonder of this program and its power in my life.

Fireworks went off....

Yesterday was the day of love. I think that everyday should be about love. Love for myself, love for others, for my HP and all that good stuff that keeps the species ticking along.

My Valentine's Day was a nice one. A good dinner, some nice cards, some gifts to each other, and a good relaxed feeling. It's the relaxed feeling that I've come to realize is the lasting feeling.

I remember when love was all anxiety and hot stuff. It was a rocket ride that occurred in my body and mind. If I think back to my first kiss or first sexual experience, it sets off a bit of anxiety in my head.

Do you remember your first kiss? I do and it was something that felt like fireworks. It was at my 17th birthday party. The buildup was nerve wracking but the result was pure pleasure. Yes, it was awkward and over too soon but it created a craving that is hard to describe.

I think what happens after we become secure and content with the other person, is that the desire is still there but the ability to sustain such a heightened state of excitement dwindles. I still like the kick of endorphins and the excitement of that first kiss. But I think that the ability to relax with each other and appreciate intimacy is also powerful. Sex is just one part of intimacy. Just like the burning fuse is one part of the whole fireworks explosion.

Hope that you have a relaxing weekend.

How do I love thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I can remember my grandmother reading this poem to me. She said that this was a special poem about love. I remember reading it in English Literature years ago. It is about the love of Elizabeth for her husband-to-be Robert Browning. She says that her love rises to the spiritual level. She loves him freely, without coercion; she loves him purely, without expectation of personal gain. She even loves him with an intensity like suffering and with the blind faith of a child. She loves him with the intensity one feels during the innocence of youth, which she lost and and now feels it again for him. And God willing, she will love him eternally.

Such a pure love is something to think about on this Valentine's Day. May you have a day of love.

PS: Post a love photo on HNT. Let's get the site back up and going with body parts (dogs allowed as long as a human accompanies)

To err is human.....

"To err is human; to forgive is divine." Alexander Pope

Last night's meeting topic was forgiveness. It was a topic that a lot of people had different views about. Some didn't want to forgive but get even. Several people including me talked about how working Steps 4, 5 and 9 made it easier to learn forgiveness of ourselves. And by doing that, we are able to be more accepting of the difficulties of others.

For me, I knew that the effects of my father's drinking and my wife's alcoholism had caused a lot of pain. But through the program, I learned that it was important for me to forgive them. As I worked the steps, I realized that the anger I carried was hurting me, making me feel sick inside with resentment.

I know now that forgiveness helps me, not the person that I resent. We are all children of God, and some of us are sick and don't realize how our actions have affected others.

And this brings me to the dream that I had last night. In it, I was back at the home place. I came into the house and there were several people standing around. Someone told me that my father had died. My mother was crying. I was stunned and bereft. I went into the dining room and saw a coffin up on the big table. It was a simple box and my father was inside. I kept saying "He can't be dead" over and over again. Finally, I went over and leaned down to touch him. His skin was warm. And just as I grasped him, he opened his eyes and looked into mine and said,"I'm not dead. I love you and am here with you." I had this feeling of relief and joy. And started yelling, "See, he's not dead!" After that I tried to hold onto the dream because it was so good but gradually woke up.

I'm not sure what to make of this dream. What I think it means is that my father's spirit is still with me, telling me that in spite of the troubles that happened between us, he loves me. I have made my amends to him and maybe his spirit is now filled with love and can be at peace.

As I've Matured.......

My sponsor sent me this. It made me laugh. I don't know what it will do to you......

As I've Matured......

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Get what you need

"You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"
M Jagger/K Richards

I've found that there is a big difference between wanting what I want and needing what I want. I might want a new car, a bigger house, a larger boat but do I actually need those things? In reality, there are only a few things I actually need. Those are things like a roof over my head, food to eat, and a way to earn enough money on which to have those things.

I know that I used to think that all the material things I wanted would bring me happiness. That wasn't the case. All it did was reinforce frustration and create envy. Maybe I was wanting the wrong things. Or maybe I wanted them too much.

I've thought about this a bit since being in the program, and I've concluded that maybe it's okay to know what we want and have a passion to move in that direction. As long as I'm not envious or sink into a mindset of being needy, then I think that having goals and pursuing them is healthy. I just have to remember not to take things so serious that wanting becomes the driver. Wanting is a very powerful thing, but becoming so attached to what we want only causes emotional distress.

I've read that the more a person wants something, the more stress is created from the thought of not having it. This creates a mindset around what is lacking in my life instead of a mindset of abundance. If I decided instead though that I was okay with not having what I wanted, but tried to get it anyway, I would be better off and not obsessed. Once I realized that what I want may come in many different ways, some not so obvious, and will come in time as my HP sees fit, then I gain power and my mind quits obsessing. I can now trust that what I want will come to me in some form or another. And it may be just what I need.

How do you detach....with love?

The topic of detachment has come up time and time again in meetings. It's one of those topics that is hard for newcomers to understand and sometimes it's hard for anyone, regardless of years in the program to put into action. I know that it took me a while before the light turned on and I grasped the concept.

In Al-Anon we say that we love the person but hate the disease. To detach means that we don't follow someone to the bottom, or allow a person to make us feel rotten because of their actions. It means that we can listen and not become emotionally involved in what others are saying. In essence, we stay focused on ourselves.

I know that I never detached before bottoming out emotionally and coming to Al-Alon. If my alcoholic was drunk and being irrational, I would try to reason with her. I would coax her to go to bed and get some sleep. And what I would end up doing is staying awake most of the night wondering if she would fall when she got out of bed or go the wrong way and fall down the stairs. I didn't have a clue about how to detach in that situation.

So here's some things that I've written down from meetings. These are things that I need to remember about detachment:

Don't let someone make you feel a certain way because of things they do or say.
Don't take abuse.
Know that the things an alcoholic says is really more about the things they hate about themselves rather than me.
Know my own truth and not doubt it when someone says something that is negative about me.
Don't do for them what they can do for themselves.
Live your life and make your own decisions whether they drink or not.
If you have plans and drinking messes them up, do them anyway without the alcoholic.
Do something nice for yourself.
Don't allow yourself to be caught up in the drama of others.

Grieving our Losses

The meeting yesterday was good. We discussed the introduction to the book Grieving our Losses, which is a new CAL from Al-Anon. Many people in the group have suffered major losses of children, spouses, friends and parents.

I've lost both my parents but I've come to grips with that. What has struck me though is the need to grieve the free spirited kid that was me until alcohol came into the picture. I don't think that I ever really got good parenting that protected the little kid within me. There were a lot of expectations that I was to get good grades, be polite, do the right thing--these are all great things but when you're a kid exposed to heavy drinking, there is a balancing act between being responsible and having a lot of responsibility to live up to the expectations of others.

I felt that as I got older, I had a lot of expectations piled on me. That weight grew heavier with time and became almost suffocating in my marriage. I never really allowed myself to play much or break away from the daily grind of job and home responsibilities. After a while, I felt imprisoned because I didn't want to socialize for fear that my wife would get drunk, having people over was even worse because then there would be drinking at home. So I isolated and felt lonelier and lonelier.

One of the things that my wife would say with derision was "Oh, you're so predictable." And the other was that I acted like someone who was much older than I was. But just the other day, she said, "I need to be careful what I say because look what happened". Now she sees me as unpredictable and carefree, and a person who does things and has an attitude that is much younger than my years.

The ability to not live by the expectations of others has been a wonderful gift of this program. I do feel much freer in my heart and soul. The optimism of my early childhood is blossoming again and allowing me to feel positive about much of my life. These are things that I don't think would have been possible without this program of recovery.

Shadow asked....

Shadow asked whether Al-Anon cautions against alcoholism and becoming an alcoholic as part of its program of recovery. My answer would be that the focus in Al-Anon is on recovering from the effects of someone else's alcoholism whether it is in a friend or family member. The focus is on sharing our experiences of dealing with alcoholism in our lives, how we got better and what steps we are taking to achieve serenity.

There are many recovering alcoholics who come into Al-Anon and find their serenity in its program. Likewise I am sure that there are Al-Anons who make it to the rooms of AA. But both programs practice the 12 steps and Al-Anon's twelve steps are based on those from AA. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone who has worked the steps in Al-Anon and achieved some manner of recovery would want to jump into the fire by becoming an alcoholic. But strange things happen and "never" is a God word.

Step Two and the miracle

Sometimes I go to meetings and hear the despair from newcomers, who are afraid that things will never change , that the alcoholic in their lives will not stop drinking . Fear is running their lives just as it did mine in the beginning. And I am reminded of how it used to be for me but thanks to Al-Anon I no longer fear change and know that regardless of what they do I will be okay.

What I have today that I had little of before is hope. And that has come through a lot of patience. Slowly I came to realize that there is nothing I can do about any one else but so much I can do for myself. My life has changed for the better and all I had to do was stick around and do what this program suggests. Although it is a simple program based on humility, faith, hope and love, it isn't an easy one. It means daily vigilance and moment to moment monitoring of what I am feeling and thinking. It is hard work but I have discovered that I am worth it.

So here is what I am hopeful about:

That I can recover from the problems of the past and it will lose the power to run my future.

That I can recover from the affects of alcoholism and become who my HP needs me to be.

That by example others in my life will follow me into recovery.

This program has done for me things that no therapist could ever do. And only my HP knows what is left for me to do. There is a lot to hope for if we just stick around and wait for the miracle.

The Merry-Go-Round of Denial

At the meeting last night, we talked about how alcoholism sets up a Merry-Go-Round of blame and denial. There are three types of people who ride the Merry-Go-Round with the alcoholic.

One is the enabler who is impelled to rescue the alcoholic from the disease. The enabler by trying to save the alcoholic also is meeting a desperate need himself. What happens when the enabler steps in is that the alcoholic is denied the process of learning from mistakes. Instead, the alcoholic learns that someone will be there to come to the rescue.

The other individual on the Merry-Go-Round is the victim. This person is responsible for getting the work done, if the alcoholic is absent due to drinking or is half on and half off the job due to a hangover. The victim essentially tries to protect the alcoholic. And the victim can also become a real emotional victim who feels shame, disappointment and eventually rage over the behavior of the alcoholic. This is a role that I played for sure. I absorbed injustices, endured social embarrassments, accepted broken promises, and was broken in spirit. My reaction was to spew out hostility, anxiety and anger. And I was as sick as the alcoholic.

The provoker is another individual who usually lives with the alcoholic. This person is generally hurt and upset by the drinking. As a result the relationship with the alcoholic becomes one that is filled with bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt. The provoker tries to control and force changes. But the provocation only brings about anger and blame from the alcoholic. And here is another part of me that I could see.

Because of these behaviors by those around him, the alcoholic's dependency increases. Others have cleaned up the mess and suffered the consequences of the alcoholic's drinking.

Here's where this really ceases to be a Merry-Go-Round but more like a House of Horrors with a revolving door. The alcoholic denies that there is a problem. And begins to blame the family for nagging and creating problems. I know this one well too.

The real problem is that the alcoholic is well aware of the truth which he so strongly denies. He is aware of his drunkenness. He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others.

Everyone in the family of the alcoholic vows not to repeat their insanity but they continue to do so. And the alcoholic will continue to drink unless the cycle is broken because those associated with the alcoholic decide to change.

Thus, the Enablers and the Victim must seek information, insight and understanding, if they plan to change their roles.

The Enabler must make a decision that he is powerless over the alcoholic and let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his drinking . By doing so, the Enabler allows the alcoholic the dignity to fail.

The Victim who is often a spouse becomes crushed, empty and nearly destroyed. By seeking help through therapy or Al-Anon, the spouse will change roles and not be the victim anymore. When that happens, it may get the attention of the alcoholic. If the non-alcoholic changes, this may make the alcoholic seek help. But there are no guarantees of that.

There is no easy way to change behaviors. Some find it more painful to change than to just keep things the way they are. I found that if I didn't change, I would be sinking so low that my life no longer mattered. I decided that I had to break that cycle of the downward spiral. Thankfully, my wife entered AA at the time that I went to Al-Anon. I think that we both realized that the life we had wasn't really living.

No assholes allowed

It was a beautiful weekend, one that held that promise of spring being just around the corner. I took advantage of the weather to take Compass Rose to one of the deserted islands along the coast. Besides walking on the beach and having a great campfire on Saturday night and morning, there isn't much else to do but sleep, eat and read. For the latter, I took along Robert Sutton's book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t.

It's an interesting read. I think that I found it particularly enlightening because Sutton comes from academia and isn't a lawyer, a CEO, or Hollywood celebrity. He's a Ph.D. and professor in the Dept. of Engineering at Stanford. One of the things that he lists is how to spot an asshole. Here's his dirty-dozen list of everyday asshole actions:

1. Personal insults

2. Invading one’s personal territory

3. Uninvited personal contact

4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and non-verbal

5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems

6. Withering email flames

7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims

8. Public shaming or status degradation rituals

9. Rude interruptions

10. Two-faced attacks

11. Dirty looks

12. Treating people as if they are invisible

If you recognized yourself in any of these, then maybe this book is for you. But a few slips, doesn't make you a certifiable asshole. It has to be continuity in these traits that makes you one of those.

I liked the section on how to avoid being an asshole. Here's a summary of what Sutton has to say:

1. Face your past. The past is a very good predictor of future behavior. For example, were you a bully in school? If your parents and siblings were assholes, you may have caught the disease. Knowing that you’re an asshole is the first step towards change.

2. Do not make people feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled. If you find yourself having these effects, it’s time to change your behavior no matter what you think of yourself.

3. Do not mistreat people who are less powerful than you. One of the sure signs of an asshole is treating people who are in less powerful positions in a degrading manner.

4. Resist assholeholics from the start. The easiest time to avoid becoming an asshole is at the very beginning. Don’t think that you can do “what you have to” to fit in and can change later. It won’t happen.

5. Walk away and stay away. Don’t be afraid to leave a bad situation. It’s unlikely you’ll change the assholes into good people; it’s much more likely that you’ll descend to their level.

6. View acting like an asshole as a communicable disease. If you have any sense of decency, when you’re sick, you avoid contact to prevent spreading the disease. So if you act like an asshole, you’re not just impacting yourself; you’re also teaching other people that it’s okay to be an asshole.

7. Focus on win-win. Children (young and old) think that the world is a zero-sum game. If another kid is playing with the fire truck, you can’t. As people get older they should realize that life doesn’t have to be a win-lose proposition--unless, that is, you’re an asshole.

8. Focus on ways you are no better or even worse than others. Thinking that you’re smarter, faster, better looking, funnier, whatever than others turns people into assholes. Thinking that you’re no better or even worse keeps you humble.

9. Focus on ways you are similar to people, not different. If you concentrate on how you and others have similar goals, desires, and passions, you’re bound to be less of an asshole. How can you treat people that are similar to you with disdain?

10. Tell yourself, “I have enough stuff (money, toys, friends, cars, whatever).” Discontentment and envy is a major factor in becoming an asshole. If you’re happy, there’s no reason to stomp on others.

I liked these and found that a lot of them seemed similar to the 12 steps. I won't comment on how to recognize that someone else is an asshole because if I recognize that, then doesn't that make me one?

Step Studies

I really like step studies. It may be my academic tendencies but there's something that really appeals to me about methodically going through the steps, reading literature on a step, answering questions and discussing each step. It's just comforting knowing that by studying and putting into practice each step, I can get better. And it's a wonderful thing to see the light finally dawn in me or someone else when we finally get it.

Last night was a study of Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There were about 45 people at this meeting. And you could hear in the sharing, gems from those who got it and were passing it on to those who are still struggling. One fellow said that this was his third meeting, and he wanted to feel the serenity that he could see on the faces of several that shared.

I felt that same thing when I started. There was an eagerness and a willingness to take in all that I heard and to have what others had. And every time I go to a meeting I am grateful for the serenity that I do have and for the hope that I hear from those who so honesty share. Staying in this day with a lot of gratitude.

Wrecked somedays

Some days I feel about like the old boat shown above: washed up, broken and sorely in need of TLC. It's the creaks and groans of getting older I suppose. Last night, I went to bed early for a change. My right knee locked up on me just before I left work. I've never had that happen before but it hurt if any weight was put on it. All the years of running may be taking their toll. Add on top of that the feeling like I was going to vomit after I got home and turning in early seemed like a no-brainer. It's amazing how much humility I feel when I'm physically wrecked.

Thankfully, whatever my physical ailments were last night, I feel much better today. It's miraculous what about 12 hours of sleep can do. I'm going to a meeting tonight and then out to eat with some friends from the program. It's raining right now but the weather is supposed to be warm and fair for the weekend. I'm planning on taking Compass Rose out for an over night tomorrow. Hoping for calm seas and a fair breeze.....have a good weekend.