Into the wind

It was a nice weekend spent on the boat. The little dinghy for Compass Rose towed and rowed well. The winds were gusting to around 35 knots so I anchored in the lee of one of the bird rookeries in the Harbor and enjoyed listening to the sound of the wind whistling around the halyards.

One of the great things about staying on the boat is the sound of the waves slapping against the hull and the sound of the wind. I fixed a dinner of jerk chicken and couscous with basil and garlic on Saturday night. By the time that was done and cleaned up, I crawled in the V-berth and was ready to sleep.

On Sunday morning, I woke up late, listened to the wind and waves and felt the boat rocking. Lighting off the propane stove put some heat in the cabin. After breakfast, I read the books that I brought. It's a nice feeling not to be rushed but just to enjoy the time on the water.

Monday has come soon enough. But after the relaxing weekend, I'm enjoying this day back at work. I've got the topic for my home group meeting tonight. I think that the topic will be "keeping the focus on myself".

"I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it - but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. " - Oliver Wendel Holmes

Miracles

I'm taking the new dinghy out on the water today, probably towing it behind the sailboat. I decided to buy one instead of make one. The one I bought is an 8 foot Walker Bay and it's stable enough. It also is manageable in terms of weight at 71 pounds.

I was fired up about making a dinghy before I got my cold. It seems that after that I lost the urge to spend time putting it together. The weekends seem too precious to spend them inside sawing and nailing. I guess it gets back to those priorities that I have. And in this case, I opted for the easy out and more free time.

So this weekend I'm officially christening the dinghy. It's supposed to be breezy and still a bit brisk for temperatures. It looks to be a glorious weekend. Hope that you have a couple of days of serenity and peace.

I'm grateful today:

1) for the miracles in this life.
2) that I chose to not try to do everything but just a few things well
3) that I have people in my life who care whether I exist
4) for having an optimistic outlook in spite of pessimistic surroundings
5) that I don't have any reason to wonder about what's going to happen tomorrow.

There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.-- Albert Einstein

Stuff about Me

Judith of Vicarious Rising tagged me to fill out this list. I had to try to remember what I was doing those years ago. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering much about last week! Now I keep a journal so if this question comes up again, I'll be ready.

As far as the books and movies go, I have a lot of ones that I like. I tend to read everything by certain authors.

I don't watch much TV--mostly news and weather. Anyway, here's what I put together.

What I was doing:

10 years ago -- I was working at the same place and had just returned from a scientific meeting in Florida. I was in the midst of putting together a big proposal to work with oceanographers in the area. Both my wife and I were working too much. And we were getting on each other's nerves. My mother was still alive, and my wife and I were responsible for making sure that she got to her doctor's appointments. I was frequently irritable about having to be responsible for her. I took on way too much. Felt the pressure of work, home, life.

5 years ago--Still working at the same place but am now department head. Working on proposals and projects to keep people employed. Beginning to feel run down, tired and generally dissatisfied with work and home life. My mother was in a nursing home. She was starting to get frail but was happy. Exercising like a fiend. Trying to stave off the demons and look for a purpose to keep going.

1 year ago--Still working at the same place. I was involved with preparation for a research cruise. Marriage not going well. Not sure that I'm going to stay in the marriage. In Al-Anon and working the steps. Starting to see that there is hope. Maybe I can be happy with who I am.

Yesterday--Worked all day, went to a noon Al-Anon meeting. Dropped off car at auto dealership but it got crunched (see yesterday's post). Read in the evening. Feeling tired but peaceful. Lots to be thankful for.

5 snacks I enjoy
1) Boiled peanuts
2) Popcorn--any kind
3) Terayaki beef jerky
4) Tangerines
5) Wasabi peas

5 books I like (there are many that I could list here--so I'm going with Fiction and then non-fiction)
Fiction
1) Cannery Row
2) Lonesome Dove
3) All the King's Men
4) Moby Dick
5) Chesapeake

Non-Fiction
1) Einstein
2) A New Earth
3) And The Band Played On
4) Beautiful Swimmers
5)Log from the Sea of Cortez

What I would do with 100 million dollars
1) Buy a 43 foot sail boat.
2) Pay off the mortgage on the house
3) Add to investment portfolio and include more real estate
4) Make larger contributions to organizations and charities that I contribute to currently
5) Set up an ecotour business

5 places I'd love to visit (not run away to)
1) Egypt
2) Rome, Italy
3) The Amazon
4) Ethiopia and a few other stops in Africa
5) The Galapagos Islands

5 bad habits and pet peeves I have

Pet Peeves
1) poor grammar
2) stubbornness
3) arrogance
4) bad manners
5) smoking

Bad Habits
1) staying up late
2) leaving dishes in the sink
3) using my cell phone in the car
4) pulling on hangnails
5) snoring

5 things I like doing
1) Reading
2) sailing
3) listening to music
4) rowing
5) photography and art collecting

5 things I would never wear
1) Pink anything
2) 100 % wool
3) heavy cologne
4) clothing with logos
5) Hawaiian shirts

5 TV shows I like
1) 60 minutes
2) CBS Sunday morning
3) Hardball on MSNBC
4) Oddball with Keith Oberman
5) Any local news

5 movies I like (there are a lot that I like)
1) Out of Africa
2) The Shawshank Redemption
3) Lawrence of Arabia
4) No Country for Old Men
5) The Piano

5 famous people I'd like to meet
1) Albert Einstein
2) Mother Theresa
3) Abraham Lincoln
4) Martin Luther King
5) Bob Dylan

I'll tag the following five bloggers to do this if you'd like:
1)Johno of Hand in Hand
2)Dave of Higher Powered
3)Mary Christine of Anonymous Alcoholic
4)Joe of Al-Anon Diary
5)Irish of Recovery Archive

Pitfalls

This morning I took my beloved BMW 330 Ci in for servicing because the check engine light came on. When I got to the BMW dealer, they scanned the key and told me that Blue wasn't due for full servicing until another 5000 miles. The check engine light was due to the gas cap not being tight enough (sensitive little bugger). They decided to check a wiper blade and the head of the service department went out to find one of the mechanics. She told me to grab a cup of coffee which I did.

Anyway, I saw her walking back with a mechanic and went out only to hear her say, "I'm so sorry. I left your car in neutral without the brake on and it rolled into another car." The result is that Blue has a badly scraped and bent right rear bumper.

This is a high class and very professional dealership so I knew that all would be okay. I reassured the lady that sometimes things just happen. One of the fellows in the office said that if everyone had my attitude the world would be a better place.

So I'm driving a new BMW M coupe until tomorrow. Blue is going to get detailed and the scrape and dent will be gone. She's bent but not broken.

I feel good that I wasn't upset in the least. And I'm glad that I could ease the mind of the apologetic and worried service manager by telling her that the important thing was that no one was hurt. Sometimes, crap just happens. And Shadow and I can laugh at the fact that our cars are a bit damaged but will be good as new soon.

In the mean time, zoom zoom.

It is clear the future holds opportunities - it also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to seize the opportunities, avoid the pitfalls, and get back home by 6:00.
--Woody Allen

Go with the flow

My day is flowing along. I've got my lecture prepared and will go over it this afternoon. I'll miss rowing tonight because of the lecture.

I feel fairly rested today. I have to laugh at the fact that one of the cats was walking on my back at 4:30 AM and then one of the dogs decided that it was time to go out. Life with animals requires a sense of humor.

It promises to be another long day for me but that's not unusual for my Monday through Wednesday schedule. The best part of Wednesday will be that on Thursday and Friday evening I can go home since there are no after-work meetings or activities planned.

I thought that the following was particularly appropriate for me today as I have an "Easy Does It" philosophy:

"Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.

Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you've been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go. Let yourself move forward. Let yourself be moved forward.

Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can't, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take you safely through fierce currents. If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.

Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today's scenery again!

Don't think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow. Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn't necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time. You can trust the flow, and your part in it." from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Getting through

I have felt foggy in my head for the last day. I have a lecture to give tomorrow, and I'm not as prepared as I normally am. I have everything put together but just don't feel much enthusiasm. So this afternoon, I will devote time to getting my notes prepared.

I have been thinking about last night's meeting. It was one that was charged with emotion. The topic was on slips. In Al-Anon, we make a slip when we slide back into the old way of thinking, when we forget that we are powerless over people, places and things. Slips occur when we forget that there is a Higher Power to whom we can bring our problems when things seem insurmountable.

I can see that Step Three is what I most need to remember when I start to feel unsure. This morning I wrote about my friend and put the note in my God box. I am resigned to the fact that I am not in control. He has a Higher Power and I'm not it.

Just writing that makes me feel better. Amazing how this works.

Toxic people

This weekend I had an opportunity to be around someone who I consider to be a trusted friend. Unfortunately, I also witnessed rage in this person that was blown entirely out of proportion to the situation that occurred.

I have suspected for some time that this fellow has adult ADD. He is a long-time recovering alcoholic. I've witnessed several other episodes of rage by him in the past.

I know that the rage triggers something in me that makes me want to get away from the person as soon as it happens. My inventory tells me that 1) I am frightened of the rage, 2) the rage brings up memories of my father's anger and my wife's behavior when she was drinking, 3) I am finding that the rage is detracting from my friendship with the individual, 4) I am becoming resentful of this person, and 5) I don't believe him when he tells me that he is sorry about the anger.

What I'm wrestling with is whether to back away from the friendship entirely or to continue it at a limited level. I talked with my sponsor and expressed my feelings. The similarity between feeling emotionally battered when my wife was drinking and the emotional upheaval that resulted from my friend's tantrum are similar. In other words, it triggered feelings of wanting to get far away. I don't believe the remorse and think that the words "I'm sorry" are meaningless because they are said over and over without a change in behavior.

So I decided to read more about toxic people and the effect that they can have if you let them.
Here is what I found:

* Every one has had a toxic person in their life at one time or another.

* A toxic person will continue to hurt you , until you stop allowing them to do so.

* You are powerless over the actions of the toxic person, but you can walk away from the toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore.

* Toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. Get away from toxic people and associate with those who are positive and around whom you feel good.

* Trust your instincts. Toxic people exude the dark side of human nature. If you allow them to, they will create pain, craziness, and aggravation. If you feel sick and empty and experience negative physical feelings, then it is likely that you are in the presence of a toxic person. Once you identify someone as toxic, you can begin to eliminate them from your life.

* A person is toxic because of their own issues. It has nothing to do with you. Toxic people don't take responsibility for their own actions. They like to turn things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel at fault.

* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is the best process to get you back into yourself.

Like my sponsor tells me, "Keep the focus on yourself". It's good advice. This is something that I'm not going to resolve immediately, but it is something that the program will help me get through.

loving others

I am filled with gratitude and happiness today. It's Saturday for one thing and the weather is supposed to be warm and sunny. I'm grateful for having finished up a large 142 page proposal yesterday and got it in on time. It will provide salaries for about 20 people for 3 years. I'm also happy because of a nice evening with C. yesterday, in which we went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant last night. We talked about happy times. It felt good.

I thought that I'd post a few "words of wisdom" about love that I found in meanderings on line and in some books.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take his place. Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.

Have a great Saturday and an inspirational Easter.

Happy birthday

Dear C.
Today is your birthday. It's a beautiful spring day for a beautiful person. It seems appropriate that you were born so near the vernal equinox.

I'm glad that you were delighted with your presents this morning. It's nice to see you smiling and happy. I feel that we both are much happier today than we were a year ago. There are changes that have taken root within us. It's as if you have become brighter. You are unfolding and flowering in your own way.

On this particular day, with the bright sunshine and the flowers in bloom, I sense that you are younger than you were last year. Maybe it's because we are more aware than ever of the importance of every day, or maybe we're more aware of each other.

Thanks for being here and for your gift of love to me.
Much love on this day and every day,
Syd

More practice, less analysis

I have to admit that I'm not a slouch in the brains department. But sometime over the past ten years my focus on intellectualism got diverted. It didn't seem important to keep up an intellectual appearance. I think that I became more and more humble as a listlessness pervaded me while dealing with my alcoholic and a marriage that was going no where. Hell, I felt as if I were going no where too. Not growing, not doing anything but putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I have a sponsee who intellectualizes everything. I recognize an earlier version of myself before my ego was crushed. I'm wondering how to reach this 24 year old person and get past the academic facade. He talks, I talk, I listen and he talks some more. But the talk seems to be a parroting of what one would read in a book. In other words, it doesn't seem sincere or ring true.

This is a thinking program no doubt, but I believe that the feeling part of the program is the most powerful aspect. I can read daily readers, I can read How Al-Anon Works but until I am ready to listen and am willing to let my ego stop running things, then I'm just going to be regurgitating words from a book.

An AA friend of mine calls this "analysis paralysis". I think that is an appropriate description. This is a simple program but no one ever said it was an easy program. Just become willing, get honest, and have a dose of humility. It works wonders.

Stillness

“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is.” --Amy Carmichael

A famous Zen story tells of a monk whose temple is invaded by an enemy warrior. "Do you know that I have the power to kill you with this sword?" the warrior says. The monk replies, "Do you know that I have the power to let you?" Such a stillness of the mind is something that I experience most when I'm on the water. But the ability to empty my mind and settle into inwardness can also occur in a crowded room.

I think that I'm beginning to understand that love and trust pave the way to inner stillness. The placing of trust can be in something truly great such as a Higher Power or it can be in something limited such as my own mind or will. The latter will let me down every time.

The program teaches me to to surrender my will, check my ego, and be in touch with a power greater than myself.

Stillness is not something that I can will to happen. But I can be open to receive it. I think that I've been comfortable with the beauty of nature all my life. The moments of stillness that come closest to spirituality are those spent surrounded by the wonders of nature and an unspoiled landscape.

But I have also been part of a working life in which there is very little time to feel stillness. I haven't run to escape stillness but have not let it overtake me when there were things to do and life itself seemed to be in the way. I've been agitated to the point of exhaustion over the alcoholic, my ailing parents, job duties and countless other things that kept stillness at a distance.

Now I'm finding more times during the day when I can be open to the stillness within me. And by being receptive and quieting my thoughts, I am open to answers that come from within.

Reaching Out

At my home group last night, one of the members said that something had to be done in her marriage to the alcoholic. She has come to the realization that she is no longer herself and that the self that she knew has just about disappeared. Her pain was palpable.

We talked in the meeting about how difficult it is to reach out when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic. I hid by pain from others. I pretended to be okay but was also losing myself. In fact, I didn't really much care about anything anymore. I didn't think that there was anyone to reach out to. Everyone else seemed "normal". And I didn't want them to know my dirty secret. Finally, a good friend who is in AA told me that I needed to go to Al-Anon. Thankfully, I took his advice.

I've read quite a bit about how adults from alcoholic families experience a great deal of anxiety and have a lower ability for differentiation of self than adults raised in non-alcoholic families. Additionally adult children of alcoholics have lower self-esteem, excessive feelings of responsibility, difficulties reaching out, higher incidence of depression, and increased likelihood of becoming alcoholics.

I never studied psychology so I had to read about differentiation of self. It refers to one's ability to separate one's own intellectual and emotional functioning from that of the family. If an individual has "low differentiation" they depend on others' approval and acceptance. They either conform themselves to others in order to please them, or they attempt to force others to conform to them. They are thus more vulnerable to stress and they struggle more to adjust to life changes. This is what happens in an alcoholic family.

On the other side of the spectrum, is the well-differentiated "self" who recognizes a need for others, but these individuals depend less on other's acceptance and approval. They do not merely adopt the attitude of those around them but acquire their principles thoughtfully. Thus, despite conflict, criticism, and rejection they can stay calm and clear headed enough to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotion. What they decide and say matches what they do. When they act in the best interests of the group, they choose thoughtfully, not because they are caving in to relationship pressures. Confident in their own thinking, they can either support another's view without becoming wishy-washy or reject another's view without becoming hostile.

These are people who know who they are. I now see that I likely felt the most well-differentiated when I was away at college. And the young woman last night said that she felt best when she was away from the house and away from her husband.

What a terrible disease alcoholism is. The toll that it takes on the alcoholic and the family of the alcoholic is immense.

I'm glad that I know that I can begin to become more "differentiated" through this program. Now there's a good reason to be "different".

Monday all day

It's Monday all right. And St. Patrick's Day. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Finally, after the cat pounced in the middle of my back and the dog's cold nose nuzzled me, I got up.

I was up way too late last night for someone who has to get to work early. And I wasn't drinking anything green either. My wife and I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a pleasant time. She seemed to be in a good mood and to enjoy talking. As we were riding down our long lane, I told her that I was going to put my cell phone on forward to the home number just in case a sponsee called.

The words were no sooner out of my mouth, when a sponsee called to talk about having a rough time at a meeting last night. He has admitted that he is riddled with fear. And he is having a hard time with some other personal aspects of his life that haven't been entirely accepted by his family or maybe even himself.

He needed to talk and I listened. I think that he is finally beginning to admit that he might not have all the answers and that humility needs to come in to the picture. He is scarily bright but is realizing that to recover from effects of alcoholism, he must be willing to drop the masks of academia that he's hidden behind for a while.

Being a sponsor has been a new experience for me. And I must say, it has it's moments when I wonder if the words coming out of my mouth are making him or me feel better. And whether I'm just flying by the seat of my pants.
After a bit, I finally said to him, "Where are you sitting?"
Him: "On the bed."
Me: "Take a look at your feet."
Him: "Yeah, I see them."
Me: "Are they attached to your legs?"
Him: "Yep."
Me: "How about your hands? Still attached to your arms?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Is your heart still beating?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Good. Now put your feet up on the bed, cross your hands across your chest and listen to your heart beating. Focus on that. You're still alive after telling me what your fear was after the meeting. You're okay and haven't disappeared."
Him: "I feel fairly relaxed now."
Me: "Good. I'm going to get into the same position over here. And I'm going to listen to my heart beating and my breath going in and out. I expect that after I do that for about 10 minutes I'll be asleep."
Him: "Sounds good. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Whew. It almost put me to sleep writing that. I'd better get back to work and wake up. Have a good St. Patrick's Day.

Stormy night

This area of the coast was hit hard by severe thunderstorms last night. Some of them were reported to have produced tornadoes. This is the same weather system that ripped through downtown Atlanta. I had decided in the afternoon not to go out on the boat because of the likelihood of severe storms. In the evening, rain was coming down in sheets and there was a lot of lightening. The good thing is that the storms were moving through quickly so by about 10:30 PM they had moved offshore or to the northeast.

I watched the news until the electricity went out around 10:00 PM. It didn't come back on until around 11 AM this morning. It wasn't much of a problem, although when the electricity goes off the water does too since I have a well system.

Today is beautiful. It's sunny and clear and warm. There's a nice breeze coming through. It doesn't seem today like there was such violent weather last night.

After seeing the weather people report condition of the storm, I have to say that I thought they did a good job. They were trying to keep people apprised of where the storm was heading and what was going to occur.

I'm grateful today that:

• I decided to stay on shore and wasn't in my sailboat when the winds came through
• I don't live in a mobile home and am picking up belongings from wreckage
• The National Weather Service and local news media provided information to tell people to get to safety
• People who lost homes and belongings in the storm are getting help and are still alive.
  
• No one was severely injured in this area because of the storms.
  
• That I can say "This too shall pass" and know that it will.
  

Getting Honest

I'm up and heading out the door to the District meeting this morning. I didn't sleep too well and didn't want to get up. I've ruminated some about a tough discussion with a sponsee last night.

He's stalled out on the Step One questions that basically get at his story. The questions are those that I posted here. He said that he felt disgusting and unredeemable after answering a few of them.

I know that getting honest is tough stuff. It's hard for many reasons--not wanting to face the pain, not wanting to get rid of the pain, not wanting anyone to know about the pain. But the pain was what I didn't want to own anymore. It was what was dragging me down. It helped me to get things out that were painful and to acknowledge that I was human.

So I've asked him to answer what he can. And to start working on questions from one of the Al-Anon Step books. And to write out his story as much as possible. I'm there to be a guide and an ear. And to share what worked for me. And his HP is there to forgive him and love him no matter what.

I know that half measures do not work. Nothing short of an honest, wholehearted commitment to the program will help in recovery.
"The spiritual life of this program is based upon experience. What we feel, what we see and hear, is what we know. When we simplify our lives and base the truth upon our experiences, we slowly cleanse ourselves of the lies we told ourselves. With this kind of honesty comes an inner peace with ourselves in whom we can say, "I know myself." " From Touchstones

A Silda by any other name...

Might be me or you. I can't seem to get the face of Silda Wall Spitzer out of my head. (If you haven't read the story then here it is or at least one of many in the last few days.) It was a face that had a great deal of pain on it, standing there in front of the reporters and cameras and next to her husband as he read his resignation. I've read that Mrs. Spitzer is an educated woman, an attorney who gave up her legal career to raise a family. I've read that she is (was?) her husband's confidante and advisor. And now what I'm reading on her face is a great deal of sadness.

Evidently seeing her standing by her husband triggered pain within me: An embarrassment underneath a stoic face during some of those WTF moments that happen when you live with an alcoholic. It's the type of feeling that I used to get when I wanted desperately for things to be okay at home and tried to put on a brave face to the world. It's a feeling of fakery and dishonesty. It's a sick, sad feeling.

I was well aware of my own role as "victim" sliding into my thinking when I saw Silda Wall Spitzer. I wanted to hug her and tell her that she was brave to be there. And I also wanted to say that when all was said and done, I hoped that she would do what she needed to do to take care of herself. In the end, I hope that Silda keeps the focus on herself and stands up for herself.

Are you a hostage?

I am out of the house at last. I'm not held hostage by the cold bug any longer. I'm grateful for that.

So today I went to my first meeting this week. I heard some pain and I heard recovery. All of it was what I needed to hear.

One of the sharings was from someone in an alcoholic marriage. A couple of young children are the innocent ones. One of the adults is a high roller in business, winer and diner of clients, mostly drunk every day. The other adult accompanies the spouse to the wining and dining. A great deal of discomfort ensues. The accompanying spouse doesn't know what to do.

Her questions: "Do I and the children ride in a car with a drunk? Do I continue to go to affairs where the inevitable result is drunkenness? If I don't go with my spouse, I'm told I'm not being supportive and arguments ensue. What do I do?"

I was an emotional hostage in an alcoholic relationship. I rode in the car with my dad when he was drunk and weaving from side to side. I remember the feeling of shame and of not caring whether I lived or died. I also saw my future wife run off the road after a party during graduate school. She wasn't hurt but was angry that I had followed her. I let her drive off and felt helpless. And I've been left at parties in which she's gone into a rage and driven off. I count myself as lucky for that now.

So my own thoughts are:

I no longer will endanger myself or children by riding with a drunk.

I won't go to parties or places in which there is an alcoholic free for all.

I will not allow anyone else to make me feel responsible for their actions or choices.

I accept full responsibility for my actions and not the actions of any other adult.

I trust that whatever obstacles I am dealing with in this life, there are others who have been there and with the help of my HP, I'll find a way to a clear path.

I don't think that anyone deserves to be held hostage in a relationship. No amount of money, ego or guilt is worth the price of living in an emotional cage.

Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
--Beyond Codependency

On the mend

Finally, I'm starting to feel better. It's the first night that I haven't sneezed or coughed. And I can actually breathe through my nose. I still don't have much energy but I know that I'm on the mend.

I missed last night's meeting in which I had the topic. I called another group attendee and asked him if he wanted to use the topic that I was going to provide or perhaps one of his own. The topic that I had thought of was "Why aren't we ready to give up our character defects?"

I know that my numerous character defects were those that I used to protect me and to make people like me. They were things that I developed at an early age and learned in order to "survive" a childhood in which I felt criticized and not good enough.

What appeared to work as a child hasn't served me well as an adult though. I can think of things that I said or did in my adult relationships that clearly indicate I was still thinking like a child. I was holding on for dear life to those old survival tactics that appeared to get me through.

Giving up the character defects is difficult because my ego thinks it can't survive without them. I have to learn an entirely new way of feeling. It makes so much sense in the context of reading A New Earth. The fear, vulnerability and feelings of loss that occur when the ego is no longer in control won't kill me. I'll still be alive and can actually move towards a new existence.

I'm learning that life doesn't have to be as complicated as I make it. I have all the tools available through the 12 steps to have peace and serenity.

A benefit of being sick

One of the things that I've done a lot of since having this cold is reading. Yesterday, I got half way through A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. From reading this, I can see just how much my ego has been in charge of my reactions to relationships, people, work, etc. Here are some passages that I found particularly profound:

"Give up defining yourself--to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. "
This means that I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I can be me without a role.

"Negative states such as anger, anxiety, hatred, resentment, discontent, envy, jealousy, and so on, are not recognized as negative but as totally justified and are further misperceived not as self-created but as caused by someone else or some external factor. "
This is the root of unhappiness. Awareness of negativity and the ego's pleasure in it are a start towards shrinking the ego and the unhappiness that it thrives on.

"The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means that you have succeeded. " This isn't denial but awareness of thoughts, reactions and emotions that once defined me.

"People unknowingly sabotage their own work when they withhold help or information from others or ty to undermine them lest they become more successful or get more credit than "me"......The ego doesn't know that the more you include others, the more smoothly things flow and the more easily things come to you."
This is common in a work environment where knowledge is power. With the ego in charge, my chances of success diminish because I have cut off people who could help out. I have alienated myself.

"Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"
This is the essence of what I've learned in Al-Anon. Let go of the past, live this one day, and don't worry about the future because we don't know what it holds.

Sick and tired but mostly sick

I'm at home today with a bad cold. The cold got gradually worse yesterday and last night. I don't want to do much of anything but rest.

I missed my graduate student's practice talk for her defense today. I hope to go over it with her tomorrow. She defends on Thursday. She's worked very hard, and I must get up and about to have a review of what she is going to say.

I don't like being sick and am not a very good patient. I want to be doing something but know that if I don't take care of myself, the entire week will be shot.

I wish that I could make my homegroup meeting tonight, but I'm going to get more rest, have some soup and drink lots of fluids.

I know that this cold just has to run it's course.

Best laid plans

I felt lousy yesterday with this cold. No motivation to do much of anything. I went out to run some errands but I think that the dinghy project is going to be on hold until I feel better. It's hard to think and measure with this cold.

And the weather hasn't been cooperative at all. The wind has been blowing at around 30 mph. There are whitecaps in the creek. It's wild weather for sure.

I'm not feeling any better today. In fact, the coughing is worse. I'm going to stay inside and run some chicken soup through my system. I think that the best thing for me to do is to not overdo. It looks like a good day to read the paper, maybe watch a movie if I can stay awake and get some more rest. I've got a busy work week coming up and no time to feel sick.

I'm grateful today for:

• Having sense enough to realize my limitations
• Having a warm fire in the bedroom that is cheerful
• The friends that I have who care whether I'm okay
• That my being ill is the result of a cold and not some other malady
• Knowing that this too will pass
  

I hope that you are having a good Sunday.

Saturday at last

I'm up early this morning. It felt good to have the work week be over. Some weeks everything just feels draining. Maybe it's because I've felt a bit under the weather with a cold that's settled in my chest. My SO has been sick most of the week and now I've got the start of what she has.

I've been looking over plans for the dinghy and will go get the plywood this morning. I've never built a boat before so this will be a great learning experience. It's only 7 feet long but will require about 30 hours of work in order to complete it.

I've been reading a book called Adrift which is about a fellow whose 21 foot boat cracked up after being hit by a whale and who is adrift in a life raft. It makes me really reconsider my idea of making a crossing to Bermuda or the Caribbean some day. I've actually thought about the goal of a trans Atlantic crossing. It's a lofty goal and dangerous. Maybe time for a reality check.

Hope that you are enjoying your weekend.

Nothing serious on this Friday

I'm not going to write anything serious today. It's been a good week overall. I got in about 7 miles of rowing this week. And I have to say that I'm not sore from it. The weather has been good and the waves not too rough.

This weekend I'm thinking about starting a project to work on a small dinghy for Compass Rose--one that I can row ashore to take the dog off the boat for a walk on the beach. I'll post photos of the "project" as it progresses.

I've had several good meetings this week. I have another sponsee who I'll start working with next week. Meanwhile the one that I'm currently working with has kept me busy.

So life today is good. And then there's the weekend coming up. Hope it's a good one for you.

In the mean time, here's something funny for your Friday:

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

A fence or a wall?

I met with a sponsee last night for a couple of hours before the meeting. He is progressing with work on Step One. And I'm gradually learning about his life. I can't relate to all of his story but can say that like most of us who come to Al-Anon, he has built walls to hide the pain in his life. But at the same time, he has only some broken down fences with which to establish boundaries for himself.

When I first heard about boundaries, I knew that I had breached many with a lot of people. And I had no good idea how to establish those that I needed to take care of myself. By admitting that I was powerless over others and accepting that I could not make anyone do anything, I have gradually learned that a healthy boundary is one that I can enforce. It isn't one in which I ask the other person to establish the boundary for me.

For example, I might say something like: "If you show up drunk again, I'm going to ask you to leave." That is something I can't enforce. But if I said, "If you show up drunk again, I'm going to leave" that is a boundary that I can stick by.

Broken down fences are like broken down defenses because I'm left vulnerable to whatever may decide to jump, slide under, or glide through the fence. And I've had to shore up my boundaries with those who are potentially "toxic".

It's a familiar thing in Al-Anon. How to deal with someone in our life who is causing a great deal of pain? Detaching with love and setting boundaries are good ways to do that.

I got to the point before the program that I didn't like hurtful people in my life, but I also didn't know how to get them out of my life or how to detach from them. It has taken me a while to realize that I don't have to like everyone nor do I have to stick around those people who have the potential to be harmful to me. I used to try to ignore them but found that it's hard to ignore the elephant in the living room. Turning the other cheek never worked because I would just get slapped on the other one. And I don't wish to be a martyr. Now, I'm done with people that I don't want to be with. I inventory myself and make a decision on whether I want the drama or the potential of a serenity "breaker".

"In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence." Thomas Merton

Happy Birthday Lois W.

Yesterday was Lois Wilson's birthday. I talked a bit about it last night in the meeting. And how dismal and dark her life must have felt during Bill's drinking years. Yet, she triumphed. And used her realization of the effects of alcoholism on families to help herself and countless others.

I put this information from the book The Lois Wilson Story: When Love is Not Enough by William Borchert to give you an idea of her despair and recovery:

"Near the bottom of her husband Bill's downward spiral into alcoholic hell, when he collapsed one night in a drunken stupor in the hallway of their Clinton Street, Brooklyn home, Lois Wilson felt she could bear no more. Pounding hysterically on his chest, she screamed out in despair: "You don't even have the decency to die!"

The compelling story behind this painful, oft-repeated scene that eventually led to the founding of one of the most important movements of the twentieth century is dramatically revealed in Hazelden Publishing's new book, "The Lois Wilson Story: When Love Is Not Enough." (Hazelden, September 30, 2005. $24.95)

Lois Wilson, the wife of the man who co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), stuck by her husband through his seventeen years of tormented and abusive alcoholic drinking, believing that her unconditional love could get him sober. But it could not. The daughter of well-to-do parents, this loving and determined women watched her husband, Bill Wilson, destroy his career, his relationships and his health, checking into and out of alcoholic sanatoriums as he neared the point of insanity and death. Finally, through a life-changing spiritual experience, Bill Wilson was led to another alcoholic named Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith, in Akron, Ohio and together in 1935 the fellowship of AA was born.

It was through her heart-rending, emotional struggle and her witnessing other spouses and children similarly impacted that Lois Wilson came to realize that alcoholism is a family disease and that the solution was a program for recovery, a family support group that came to be known as Al-Anon.

From her priviledged childhood in turn-of-the-century New York City, to her unexpected but exhilarating courtship with the dashing Bill Wilson, to her socialite status as a "Wall Street Wife" in the Roaring Twenties, to the couple's audacious cross-country motorcycle excursions in the 1930s, Lois was every bit the adventure-seeker her legendary husband was. But nothing could have prepared her for the chaos, pain, and loss caused by her beloved Bill's descent into the depths of alcoholism. In the end, however, her husband's addiction proved not to be the tragic undoing of this brilliant, promising couple, but rather the beginning of one of the twentieth century's most important social movements.

The "Twelve Step Programs" that Lois Wilson developed for Al-Anon and her husband, Bill, developed for Alcoholics Anonymous are among the most successful forces for good in the world today. They have saved millions of lives, restored millions of families and are the basis for more than 300 self-help groups growing around the world-from Narcotics Anonymous to Overeaters Anonymous.

Lois and Bill Wilson are heroes to recovering people worldwide and generations who credit AA and Al-Anon and the Twelve Steps with saving their lives. Like other influential heroes, they were far from perfect. The story of Lois Wilson is a poignant but not always pretty love story, and to his credit, Borchert tells this story with a straightforward candor that lets us appreciate the immense toll alcohol takes.

Lois devoted her own life to Bill and to AA/Al-Anon, working tirelessly and selflessly, so that she became not only a guiding light but also a symbol of the movement itself, its nurturing spirit, revered and beloved by all who knew her. Bill Wilson died in 1971. Lois Wilson died in 1988, at the age of 97."

Spontaneity

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure. --Richard Lannelli

I have been a creature of habit for most of my life. I think that having responsibilities and striving for perfection took away a lot of my spontaneity. I didn't drink to excess because I didn't want to lose control. I didn't venture forth to uncharted territory because it seemed unsure. And when I did let go, I felt some guilt for having had a "good" time. I learned to associate spontaneity with compulsive, self destructive, and irresponsible behavior. It is classic stuff for a co-dependent who has learned to be safe by being right, strong, and in control.

Since being in Al-Anon, I've learned that being spontaneous is a lot of fun. I don't have to be what others want me to be but can express who I am without fear.

Now I have a sponsee who reminds me of how restricting perfection can be. He has lived a life with little spontaneity. He's a list maker, a scheduler, and a perfectionist. It's as if I'm looking at myself from the not so distant past. And I see the fear in his eyes and the frown on his face when he talks about losses he has experienced. He is a young man who hasn't allowed himself much freedom of expression.

I've learned that I had nothing to lose by being spontaneous but a lot to gain. By trying new things, I've grown in confidence, self-awareness and self-esteem. It would have been safe to just sit on the sidelines and watch the game of life play out, but I didn't want to be safe anymore. I wanted to play more and place more stock in myself, in my ability to do things that I had never done.

My sponsee wants to live a full life. He talks about the loneliness. I hear him loud and clear. By letting go of the control, I've been able to achieve more intimacy in my relationships. I trust myself more than before and I'm not afraid to express my vulnerabilities. To be spontaneous allows me to be engaged in the present.

So I'm going to encourage this young man to lighten up. As we go through Step One, I'm going to share my experience that it's okay to make a mistake, to have imperfections, and to be vulnerable. I think that he'll eventually enjoy who he is and what life has to offer.

Fake it Til You Make It

I have heard the expression "Fake It Til You Make It" at several meetings. I never really understood how it would help me. I've never been comfortable with the "faking it" part, although I have done it a lot during my life.

I think that it's better to just walk the walk and work the program, keeping honesty in mind, rather than having the "liar" alarm go off in my head.

Nonetheless, I felt like a fake at a meeting on Friday. I didn't want to go to the meeting, instead I wanted to go home, make it an early evening, and get some rest. But I went to the meeting, and generally felt restless and uninspired. The topic was Let Go and Let God. I shared but knew that I wasn't really letting go of much inside of me. My sharing felt like I was "faking it".

I've learned that there's no magic formula to get out of a bad place or to get past the low points that sometimes come along. Doing a quick inventory made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and letting my thinking get the best of me. I called my sponsor and talked about the fake feeling I was having. It was important for me to realize that I'm not always going to feel great. And that the times that I feel down because I'm not getting what I want can be an opportunity for me to remember that there's a purpose to life's events. And no matter what happens, good or bad, I can learn to laugh more and to cry less.

So here are some things that help me to get past those moments of dis-ease:
1. Recognize resentments and take an inventory
2. Let go of worries and fears.
3. Live and let live
4. Give more
5. Expect less

I can't go back and make a brand new start to the day, but I can start from now and make a brand new ending to the day.

About life, love and friendship

I think that many times I've put too much store in the fantasy of what I think friendship and even love "should" be. I've been around people that I've wanted to impress and have worked hard to do so. And I've been around people who I've never had to say a word to, yet felt so comfortable and warm in their presence, as if we've had the best conversation ever.

Here are some other truisms that I've found about friendship and love:

Sometimes we let someone go whose value we don't know until they're gone.
But we often don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It's best not to put much stock in wealth or fame because those are fleeting things. Even looks as the saying goes can deceive. But someone who makes you feel good right down to your toes is someone you want to get to know.

Don't let yourself be held down by what others expect of you or desire you to be. Instead, be what you want to be because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to.

If you see something in another that bothers you, you might own that thing as well. Put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

Happy people don't necessarily have the best of everything. But they appear to make the most of everything that comes their way.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live life so that when you die...you are the one smiling and everyone around you is crying..