Affirmations for today

Here are some affirmations that came from an Al-Anon workshop. I thought that they were a good way to start the week.

-I deserve happiness and peace in my life.
-I have an excellent mind.
-I can choose to have serenity and peace in my life.
-I am a kind and caring person.
-I deserve great happiness.
-I am worthy of being happy, joyous, and free.
-I see the positive things instead of the negative.
-I will let go of resentments.
-I will accept you just as you are.
-I are a capable, strong, loving person who is a positive influence on others.
-I can be counted on to be there when you need me.
-I am one of God's finest creations – and will use the gifts given to me.
-I deserve the whole rainbow of colors.
-I can do whatever I set my mind to do.
-I can trust that life will fold out the way God intended. It will be OK.
-I have a lot to be happy about.
-I know my Higher Power is with me and that gives me peace of mind.
-I deserve to be loved and cared for, and am loved and cared for.
-I have made a difference in the lives of others.
-My work is important and I am contributing to the improvement of the lives of others in this world. My life has meaning.
-I can let go and detach with full faith in my Higher Power.
-I have done a good job with my work.
-I deserve the best in this life.
-I am a good friend to others.
-I am creative, smart, and intuitive
-I share my strength, hope, love, and experience freely with others.
-I deserve to have a life without chaos.
-I can be depended on.
-I am okay where I am in life right now. God loves me regardless.
-I am true to myself.
-I can see how the program is working through my actions and deeds.

"Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul; unbelief, in denying them." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

A weekend on the boat

I'm heading out today to spend the weekend on the sailboat. It's supposed to be hotter than a furnace during the day but will cool down into the 70's at night. Also, there's supposed to be a good breeze blowing so that may make things more bearable.

The anchorage that I go to is near an island that I can reach with the dinghy. Last year, I swam back and forth from the boat to the shore. The current moves quickly through this area so it is safer to reach shore by the dinghy.

On Saturdays, there's a crowd of boats that beach or raft up near the island. It's become a party spot. Last year, there weren't many boats here and one could get in a good skinny dip in the AM. Now, there are a lot of people who start showing up around 9 AM. One of the latest things is for the young women to do pole dancing on their boats. By about 4 PM, everyone is mostly high on something. Sunday is a little better and brings more of a family crowd. I think that the party folks from Saturday probably hit the bars after the beach and are too hung over on Sunday to move.

There are a few things that make all this redeemable though:
1. The boats are mostly gone by 7 PM on Saturday and Compass Rose is the only one left there for the night.
2. Once on the beach, I can walk about 1/4 mile and leave the party people behind. From then on, the beach is open and without a person for the next 3.5 miles.
3. The anchorage is sheltered from waves and there is usually a great breeze that keeps the nighttime temperatures down and the skeeters away.
4. There are usually interesting shells and a few shark's teeth to be picked up along the walk. And in the winter, there's enough down trees and branches to build a nice fire. I don't think I'll need one of those this weekend.

Hope that each of you has a nice peaceful weekend doing whatever you like to do.

Time

Have you ever thought about the concept of time as it relates to your emotions? For example, I can be doing something pleasurable, and time seems to fly by. If I'm bored though, time seems to be dragging. And you know the feeling of new love when time doesn't seem to exist at all. If I'm pressed for a deadline then I often think that I won't have enough time. And if I'm in a situation of great anxiety then time seems to take forever.

I can remember when I was a kid, it seemed that time went by slowly. The days were filled with lots of things to do. It wasn't that I was bored but just enjoying every moment. Summer days seemed to last. But for me now, the days often don't seem to be long enough. Before I know it, the sun is going down. I often want to slow the day down.

Time not only is a way to measure experience but it also seems to have a different perspective as we age. There are occasions that I have a sense of urgency about time in relation to living life. But in reality, I only have these 24 hours and the moment that I'm in. If I think about the time that has past or the time yet to come, I forget about how precious the present is.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea. From "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot

The six P's

At a recent meeting, there was a discussion on Step 6. I like Step meetings because it gives a chance to hear different perspectives on working the steps. One of the things that I shared was how the six P's apply in working this step through Al-Anon.

Perspective--This is something that I've gained from having a better understanding of my character defects. These defects were actually traits that I developed over time. This doesn't mean that I'm a particularly bad person to have character defects but indicates my humanness. And just as I have defects, so does every other person. That gives me perspective on understanding others.

Pain--Because the character defects were developed to enable me to adapt to situations in my life, my awareness of them and readiness to have them removed can be painful. I may think that I need to hold on to character defects because I thought that they were a comfort during difficult times. In reality, my defects have caused me a lot of pain.

Prayer--It is important for me to pray to do God's will and not mine as I do Step Six. Through prayer, I let my HP know that I'm ready to have Him remove my defects.

Patience--I didn't acquire my character defects overnight. They have been with me for a long time. It's going to take time for me to become aware of them and to not have them rule my life. They will be removed in God's time, not mine. My job is to be patient and not castigate myself when a defect comes up.

Process--Working the steps is a process. Having Step 6 come after steps 1-5 is a logical process. If I admit that I am powerless, come to believe in a HP, become willing to turn my life and will over to my HP, make a moral inventory, tell my story to another, then I've used the process of the program to become ready to address my character defects.

Payoff--And finally there is the reward of recovery, of having a feeling of freedom, of having my spirits uplifted, and having a great weight lifted from me. I can accept who I am, enjoy being in my own skin, and look forward to this day. What better payoff could there be?

To let go

To LET GO does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To LET GO is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To LET GO is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To LET GO is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To LET GO is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To LET GO is not to care for, but to care about.
To LET GO is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To LET GO is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To LET GO is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To LET GO is not to deny, but to accept.
To LET GO is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.|
To LET GO is to fear less, and love more.

Letting go is hard to understand when it comes to people that we love. But I have had to learn to accept the rights of others. It is my ego who wants to take charge and convince me that I can fix another.

Remember the old tug of war game? If I pull hard on the rope, the other person will pull hard also, trying to offset my balance or pull me over the line. This analogy isn't unlike what happens when dealing with an alcoholic. I tug hard and pull with all my might but I meet with strong resistance. The harder I pull, the more resistance I'm likely to meet until one of us goes over the line or falls down. What I've learned is that I can't win a tug of war with the alcoholic. I can't fix anyone else, God can, so I'll let him.

The Dance

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.

Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

From "The Dance" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

We tell stories of who we are every day through our actions and how we live. I have a choice to either live without taking chances or to live fully and not look back.

I also don't want to hear how great things will be tomorrow but want to appreciate what is in front of me today. It isn't easy to live in the moment, to not think about what needs to be done next week or about the weekend. But today is a new day, and will be filled with the ups and downs of living life. And I feel okay with the way things are right now. Here's wishing you peace for this moment in this day.

Phone service

I've been taking phone messages for our Al-Anon district. There's a number that people can call and leave a message. Most people want to know where a meeting is being held. Today, I returned two calls from women who needed to talk.

One was a lady who is in rehab and who wants her son to go to Al-Anon. She talked to me about how she knows her 18 year old son is hurting, angry and in need of sharing those feelings. She wanted to know if her son could call me. I gave her my number and he did call. He was quiet but asked if he could go to a meeting. He didn't have a car so I'm to pick him up this evening and will take him to my home group meeting.

The other call was from a lady who was sobbing about her son who is an alcoholic/addict. She said that he is in rehab and is going to AA meetings. But he has left a lot of wreckage in his wake. She wants her son to be okay and wishes that she could take away his pain. I felt compassion for her and explained that he had a good program that he was working. I did my best to let her know that she isn't responsible for his addiction or his sobriety. I gave her a list of meetings and shared some of my experience with her.

I hope that I got through to her that her life doesn't have to be filled with so much anxiety. It's hard though when people are really hurting. They don't hear the words. They don't believe that there is a solution. I'm glad that there is an opportunity to let people know that there is a life line in the program. They just have to grab onto it.

Back home

I finished the drive back home today. On Saturday, I went to Annapolis, looked at some boats, walked around the town and had dinner at the city marina. It's a nice historic town but a bit too crowded at this time of year for me.

I left Annapolis and drove to Kent Island which has some great views overlooking the bay. Then it was time to head back home. There were terrific storms along the way. People had pulled over and the emergency flashers were going. It was hard to see with the driving rain.

As usual it was nice to get away for a few days, but nice to be back home as well. I mixed some fun with work which is more satisfying than doing just work.

It was nice to know that things at home were good. I usually call my wife 2-3 times a day. It's not to check up but just to ask how she is, let her know what things I'm doing, and to tell her that I love her. Life is going well right now and I'm happy for that.

More good food

After a long day of discussing proposals at NSF, I finally escaped the recycled air of the building and got out inside into a delightfully cool day. I like the sights and sounds of this city. It has a lot of interesting places to visit and some really great restaurants.

I took the Metro to U street which is the heart of the Ethiopian concentration in the city. I didn't realize that DC has the largest population of Ethiopians in the US. Anyway, I headed for Dukem which was recommended as an authentic Ethiopian restaurant. The food was wonderful. The Injera, the sourdough pancake-like bread of Ethiopia, was brought along with an assortment of finely ground meat, lamb cubes, tomato, and another cubed meat that I assumed was beef. The Injera was covered with the various meats and stew. No silverware is used so you just tear off a piece of the spongy bread and use it to "roll" the food. Then you pop this morsel in your mouth. It was spicy and delicious.

Unfortunately, Dukem didn't have the atmosphere of an authentic Ethiopian dining experience. I had hoped to find a place like Marrakesh where you actually dined like the people of the country do. There were no low tables with little stools to sit around, instead just regular tables with chairs. Maybe next time I'll wander along U Street and look for an authentic place or ask someone who lives there. Regardless, I enjoyed the food and being outside in a lively city.

I'm back to more meetings tomorrow. So far no time to check up on everyone. Have a good day.

Marrakesh

I saw my cousin today. He is doing remarkably better and can now speak nearly a recognizable sentence. He has glioblastoma multiforme Stage IV which is about the worst diagnosis of a brain tumor that one can get. It was a good visit, and I was reminded once again of the fact that the cure for some of these diseases is often as bad as the disease itself. In his case, radiation nearly did him in.

After arriving in DC, I went to an incredible restaurant for dinner. It was the Marrakesh which is a Morrocan restaurant. It was recommended by a friend who said that it was quite the dining experience. There were 7 courses and a belly dancer came out around 9 PM. The meal took about 2.5 hours. I would highly recommend it if you are ever in DC and want to experience something unique in the way of food and atmosphere.

I'm off to my meeting early tomorrow. Hope to catch up with everyone sometime then. Maybe I'll try Ethiopian food tomorrow night. Leaving you with lots of gratitude for this day.

all is okay

I'm glad that my medical procedures yesterday indicated that I'm healthy with no observable problems. I always like to be told that I'm "normal". It gives me a sense of well being, even though I don't always think that I understand "normal". I prefer the term "no obvious pathology". It's a bit more descriptive.

I have another meeting in VA this week. I decided to drive up so that I can stop by to visit my cousin who has a brain tumor. He has been sick for a couple of years. And his brain tumor is the same as Ted Kennedy's. He doesn't have much quality of life left. It's a shame to see someone who was once strong and happy become so debilitated due to the treatment for the tumor.

Anyway, I'll check in periodically. I'm hoping to get in and do my work and then get back home in time for a sail on Saturday evening. Have a good week.

Up Periscope

Today is the day that I get to have the camera down my throat and up my butt. Yep, I'm having the endoscopy and colonoscopy done at the same time. I just hope that they don't use the same scope for both procedures! Just kidding.....

Anyway, I'm going to be in la-la land for the day. I think that the "clean out" medicine they give is probably worse than the procedure. I must say that it does a thorough job. I don't think that I would ever want to become a "laxative" addict. I don't like spending hours in the bathroom and am not one who likes to read the newspaper, War and Peace, or anything else while being in the bathroom. It's for getting in and getting out IMO.

I'll catch up with you once I can see straight. And joking about this is fine with me. It seems worthy of a few jokes. Happy Monday.

Things my father taught me

"It is a wise father that knows his own child." -- William Shakespeare

It's Father's Day today. My father died in 1985. I think of him often, but there's something about Father's Day that was special when he was alive and is still special today. For me, it was always a way to say "Thank you" to a man that I both loved and feared. I would make him a card with my crayons when I was a kid and later would give him a card and a present.

My father was a man of few words and didn't talk about feelings. We didn't have those fatherly chats that I've read about. But I learned a number of things from him that I am thankful for. I want to share some of those with you on this Father's Day.

My father taught me how to care for a large vegetable garden growing in the backyard. He loved to grow vegetables. He would till up the soil, plant tomatoes, beans, corn, and strawberries. I would help him put the seeds in the ground. It was my job thereafter to weed and water the plants. From doing this I learned responsibility.

My father taught me how to fish and feel at home on the water. He was quite a fisherman. He always had a boat, and we would get up early to be able to hit the water on the last of ebb tide. He showed me how to bait my hook, wait for the fish to bite and then set the hook. My father taught me how to run the boat and to watch the signs that the water gave that shoals were ahead. From watching and waiting for fish and tide I learned patience.

My father taught me about monetary values. I was given a weekly allowance but was not allowed to spend it freely. I was told to put some of it aside so that it would accumulate into a larger sum. I was taught to think about what I spent money on and to not buy things that wouldn't last. My father would not loan money to others, but he would loan tools and give away fish and vegetables to neighbors and friends. From this, I learned appreciation of what I had, and about charity.

My father taught me to tell the truth. He had a suspicion that I was taking his cigarettes and smoking them with my cousin when I was around 7 years old. He asked me if I had stolen them and was smoking. I told him that I had. He lectured me but told me that I did right by telling the truth because my punishment would have been worse had I not. He told me that he couldnt' stand a liar. From him, I learned about honesty.

My father taught me that actions speak louder than words. He wasn't a "windbag". He would listen to what others had to say and then make his own decisions. He said that there were a lot of people who could talk their way out of anything but it was their deeds that were important. I learned the importance of doing.

My father taught me to care for animals and to love them. The few times I saw him cry were when an animal died or was hurt. He once took my cat to the medical doctor to get a fish hook out of her mouth. There was no vet in town at the time. "Mama cat" became a star and was written up in the local paper. From him, I learned about empathy.

My father taught me to stand up for myself. He never let people walk all over him. And he wasn't afraid to speak his mind if provoked. He didn't like injustice to people or animals. He didn't look down on people but treated everyone he met fairly, unless they proved to be unfair. From him, I learned about fairness.

And I know that there were many other life lessons that I learned from my father. All of these things he taught me have shaped me. The lessons that we learn as children color our life. I hope that the fathers out there realize the importance of that.

More on sponsoring

Franny Glass asked if I would post more on the sponsor/sponsee relationship.

There is some great information from Al-Anon itself about what being a sponsor means. The pamphlet Sponsorship, What It's All About offers guidance on how to find a sponsor, what to expect of the relationship, and suggestions for sponsors.

I also found the following on line. I really like the "12 tips for being a sponsor":

1. You are powerless over your sponsee and your sponsee's life is unmanageable by you. Neither of you would be in Al-Anon if you didn't have problems with unmanageability.
2. You aren't in charge; your sponsee's Higher Power is. Believe that a power greater than either one of you can restore your sponsee to sanity.
3. Make a decision at the beginning of your relationship with your sponsee to turn the sponsee's will and life over to the care of a power greater than either one of you.
4. Be honest with yourself about your relationship with your sponsee. This is a great opportunity to observe your own behavior in a relationship.
5. Admit to your Higher Power, yourself, and your own sponsor when you don't know what to do.
6. Be ready to change things that aren't working: your schedule, the literature you work with, the response you give when your sponsee keeps bringing up the same problems.
7. Before meeting with your sponsee, you might find it helpful to say a prayer such as this: “Higher Power, use me to say whatever it is you want my sponsee to hear today.”
8. It is all right to make mistakes. You are not in charge of your sponsee's recovery; your sponsee's Higher Power is.
9. If you feel you have given a bad direction or suggestion, let the sponsee know.
10. It is all right if the relationship doesn't last. You may realize after a while that you are not able to work with a particular sponsee for whatever reason.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to understand your Higher Power's will for you in your role as sponsor. Pray for the power to carry out that role.
12. Remember that you are carrying the message of recovery, nothing else. Take satisfaction from any sponsee who comes to understand and believe in the Al-Anon program of recovery.

And I found the following on the Qualities of Sponsorship from http://www.a-1associates.com/aa/Sponsorship.htm

1. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.

2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.

3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.

4. I can not give you dreams or "fix you up" simply because I can not.

5. I can not give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.

6. I can not take away your loneliness or your pain.

7. I can not sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.

8. I can not convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.

9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I can not get close to you when you choose not to grow.

10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.

11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and "hang in there" with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.

12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.

And finally here is one that I give to my sponsees:

SPONSORSHIP -What It Is and What It Isn't

Four major points in sponsorship that most Twelve Step Fellowship members will agree on:

1.The primary responsibility of sponsors is to help their sponsees work the Twelve Steps.

2.A sponsor and sponsee have an obligation to discuss their mutual expectations, objectives, and requirements, if any, regarding the sponsorship relationship before they enter into that relationship.

3. A sponsor shares his or her experience, strength, and hope with his or her sponsee rather than trying to run the sponsee's life.

4. A sponsor must never take advantage of a sponsee in any way.

WHAT DOES A SPONSOR DO?

1. A sponsor's primary responsibility is to help a sponsee work the Twelve Steps by providing explanation, guidance, and encouragement.

2. A sponsor helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members.

3. A sponsor is a safe person who we can learn to trust.

4. A sponsor can answer the many questions that we have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."

5. A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the Steps require.

6. A sponsor encourages us to read the basis text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.

7. A sponsor can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate, and generally help us stay on the recovery path.

8. A sponsor reminds us to apply Twelve Step principles in our lives.

9. A sponsor models the Twelve Step program of recovery.

10. Our sponsor is available in times of crisis.

11. A sponsor provides practice in building relationships.

WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO

1.A sponsor cannot keep us in recovery.

2.A sponsor is not our therapist. The Twelve Steps are about spiritual growth, not therapy.

3.A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependence.

4.A sponsor should not take advantage of us or exploit us in any way.

FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHOOSING A SPONSOR

1.Has what we want.

2.Lives in the solution.

3.Walks the talk

4.Has a sponsor

5.Emphasizes the Steps

6.Has more time in recovery that we do

7.Has worked more Steps than we have

8.Is available for telephone calls and meetings

9.Emphasizes the spiritual aspect of the program

10. Gender is the same as ours

It is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we stay in recovery.

Moving Forward

"Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow." --From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

This passage really sums up so many good things. Change is something that I used to fear but now I see that it's the only way to move out of the past and into the present. Waiting for someone else to change is useless, wanting for someone else to change is an expectation, and trying to change someone else is control. As I move along this journey of recovery, I can see the changes in me. And I'm grateful for what that means in my life.

When you post your email

"Most folks in Al Anon only want to complain. Most do not read the text books.
Most woman in Al Anon hate men. Al Anon for the most part is a dangerous and unhealthy environment for men." Steven H.

I decided to post my email address on my blog because a couple of people asked for it. I may be asking for it too since the first email message I received was from Steven who sent me his assessment of Al-Anon.

I don't think that I attend the same meetings as Steven because my experience hasn't been as he describes. When he writes that folks in Al-Anon only want to complain, I've found that the experiences shared are not so much complaining as being in pain. And that's primarily newcomers who haven't had much time in the program. Steven, if you've lived with an alcoholic for a while, there might be some complaining but in Al-Anon, we learn to quit bitchin' and start to listen.

As far as "text" books, we don't read any of them in meetings but read conference approved literature. Those include the daily readers such as One Day at a Time, Courage to Change, and Hope for today, as well as the books How Al-Anon Works, Paths to Recovery and many others. Outside of meetings, I read as much as I can on co-dependency, alcoholism, and whatever else seems of interest and relevant to living with an alcoholic.

Hmmm..... I disagree with the statement that most women in Al-Anon hate men. I haven't seen that one either. We're a pretty friendly group Steven. I know that in Al-Anon we often say that we hate the disease of alcoholism but love the individual. Acceptance is part of the program as is detachment with love.

And lastly, to say that Al-Anon is a dangerous and unhealthy environment for men is perplexing. The dangerous and unhealthy environment for me was living with an alcoholic without the benefit of Al-Anon. I had lived for most of my life in an environment that was distorted by alcoholism. I experienced anger, shame, guilt, sadness, hopelessness that led me to not trust, feel empty, and be depressed. I was on my way to an emotional bottom. Al-Anon has been a life saver for me.

Another sponsee gone

I got a call from a sponsee last night. He started about 4 weeks ago with me. He seemed willing and wanting to work but for a couple of weeks I had begun to notice that he wasn't doing much of what was suggested.

I like to have daily contact with a sponsee for a while. That happened at first but then there would only be a call if he was down. And then there was the reading of the first four chapters of the BB. That wasn't happening nor was he reading over the printed material that I had given him. As far as answering the questions about unmanagability, that was getting no where either.

So I suppose it wasn't surprising when he called last night to say that he had met with his therapist who said that he wasn't ready for the steps yet. The therapist is a member of Al-Anon and goes to one of the meetings that I attend. And he has decided to go to church in order to connect with his HP. He said that he felt bad about not continuing but thought that he could get better without having to do so much "homework".

I'm learning that the sponsor-sponsee path is a bit like getting into a business relationship or a job hire. A person needs to choose a sponsor by seeing if they like what the sponsor has to say or if they can relate to the sponsor. And the sponsor may need to assess how it feels when they first get together. In this relationship though there is no application form or resume to see up front. There is only the fact that the sponsee has asked for help in working the steps. I see my job as providing guidance and the proper tools for a person to work the steps. It's hard to assess the level of motivation and commitment at first because often people are in such pain. It's only after they become less emotional that sponsor and sponsee can begin to get a sense of what may lie ahead.

What I've seen with the last four sponsees is that they are willing to work when their pain is acute. And that if you'll sponsor a person, he will be eternally grateful. I think these people really mean what they say at the time. They are hurting and needing to grab hold of a life life. But what seems to happen is that eventually as the pain and immediate crisis subsides, the willingness becomes lessened, and the sponsee decides to ignore the things that are suggested.

I am learning that there are many people in Al-Anon who go to meetings and think that is all that has to be done. And I'm learning that those who say that they so desperately want to work the steps, may think that they do, until it's time to do the work. I don't know whether the approach of letting things die a natural death is best when the sponsee isn't working the program or whether explicitly stating the conditions under which I will continue to sponsor is better. This is something that I'm not sure about because I feel a strong sense of duty to the program and to help those who ask, even if they decide that the steps aren't for them.

So last night, I just said that when you're ready to work the steps, I or someone else will be there to guide you. No door is ever shut totally on someone who is willing.

reading

Beware of the man of one book.
~ Thomas Aquinas ~

I've been reading a lot of books lately. Some are about sailing and stories of single handers going around the world. Others are self-help type books such as Co-Dependent No More. In this one, I'm learning that I definitely have those co-dependent ways. I knew that before reading the book but maybe I just needed to read about the recovery part again. This book incorporates the 12 steps in dealing with co-dependency and has good chapters on topics like Detachment, Anger, Acceptance, Communication.

Others that I'm reading are biographical books on addiction such as Augustine Burroughs Dry and David Sheff's book Beautiful Boy. The latter is about a father dealing with his son's methamphetamine addiction. It is a sad book, yet I can't seem to put down. It feels like I'm standing too close to a fire when I'm reading it. It hurts, but I'm transfixed and can't move.

And then I've also read about commitment phobia in Steven Carter's books. That's one of those topics that seems to hit close to home also. I don't think that I'm phobic about commitment but have suffered the consequences of being involved in a relationship with someone who exhibits the "symptoms". And reading about this helps me understand that once again I'm powerless over what the other person does. And that it isn't about me.

And then my "in the car" book on tape is Deepak Chopra's Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions in your Life. It's soothing to listen to as I drive to and from work.

Reading is comforting to me. I've always used it to help me through the best and worst of times. These aren't bad times now but ones that are thought provoking. I'm hoping that I'll discover something in my reading that will help me understand myself in relation to the world and those around me. I don't know whether it will but I'll keep trying.

Near catastrophe

I had a nice weekend on the sailboat. My only near catastrophe was falling off the boat. A sailing partner had his hat blow off, and I reached through the railing to grab it. As I did so, the boat took a roll to port, and I went over the side. Luckily, I was able to grab hold of the dinghy as it went past and hoist myself onto it and then pull myself to the boat. It happened so quickly. I think that the HP was looking after me.

What is strange is that I didn't feel any anxiety or panic when I went over. It was as if I knew that all would be okay. There was a calm feeling of just being in the water and watching the sail boat move past. It almost felt fatalistic and resigned. Later, I thought that a bit weird but perhaps the best thing to do in such a situation is to remain calm and do what has to be done.

I'm grateful today that I:

• Got through another incident in this life with no damage to life and limb
• Have another day to get things right
• Am going to open up my home group tonight even if no one shows up
• Have learned more about what my role is in relation to others in my life

Hope that everyone is having a grateful Monday.

"Few situations - no matter how greatly they appear to demand it - can be bettered by us going berserk."
--Codependent No More

"If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under - not because he couldn't swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.

Panic, not the task, is the enemy......

We can get back on track by treading water until we regain our composure. Once we feel peaceful, we can begin swimming again, with confidence. Keep the focus simple, on one stroke, one movement at a time. If we can make one movement, we have progressed. If we get tired, we can float -- but only if we are relaxed. Before we know it, we shall reach the shore."

Dry drunk?

I've been wondering whether a good friend of mine might not be a "dry drunk". So I looked up what I could find on dry drunk syndrome. The traits consist of:

• Exaggerated self-importance and pomposity
  
• Grandiose behavior
• A rigid, judgmental outlook
• Impatience
• Childish behavior
• Irresponsible behavior
• Irrational rationalization
• Projection
• Overreaction

He has been sober for 17 years but there are times when I find him to be so mentally and emotionally chaotic and lacking in responsibility that I wonder whether he really has a program that he practices. Most of the time, he is a good friend and enjoyable to be around. But there are other times when his approach to life makes me wonder.

So I decided to read about the dry drunk state of mind. I think that the characteristic grandiosity which is self-seeking and self-serving is something that I've noticed. There isn't much thought for the other person.

The other trait of judgmentalism means that there isn't much room for acceptance of alternative ideas. I've found my friend to make value judgments about the meetings that he attends, newcomers, race, and other thoughts that seem troubling.

I've also noticed that there is confusion of priorities and little ability to weigh personal desires against personal needs. As an example, he has decided to take aerobatic flying lessons but won't fix a broken air conditioner. And I suppose one could factor in impulsivity in behavior because there is little attention paid to the consequences of actions to self.

The dry drunk is also noted for being indecisive and prefers to take no effective action. A person may think about doing something and say that they will but often there is an inability to make a decision on whether to take action and nothing gets done.

The result of all these traits can lead to mood swings that appear over exaggerated. Reasons given for negative thinking don't make much sense. The dry drunk also is unable to demonstrate emotions freely, naturally and without constraint. There isn't much emotional spontaneity. And there is little to no introspection in which the thoughts that are linked to one's attitude are examined. A dry drunk can detach to such an extent that they become aloof, display indifference, don't care one way or the other, have no special likes or dislikes, and withdraw. There is also great self-absorption, much negative thinking and major disorganization in which they are easily distracted, bored, and irritable.

I think that the latter is particularly troubling because there appears to be a definite over-reaction to events. I've seen my friend become enraged over benign mishaps that most people would just accept and move on. His lack of ambition is also troubling because he hasn't worked in over a year. He doesn't seem troubled by not working but goes to meetings at night and takes long naps in the afternoon.

I don't want to take his inventory here. But it seems that something is missing or messed up. I've read a lot of what you bloggers write and you appear to be doing, growing and benefiting from what life offers. And I've read how much self-discipline it takes to be honest, humble and responsible.

It seems to be a dangerous path for those alcoholics who think that life has suddenly become manageable again; whose sanity is beyond question; who see no need of turning their lives over to a power greater then themselves; who find personal inventories unnecessary since they are seldom in the wrong and who are no longer subject to repairing the wrongs they have done. I hope that my friend will hear something that will be helpful in progressing beyond sobriety towards recovery.

Easy Saturday

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 62% Stability 42% Orderliness 78% Accommodation 42% Interdependence 76% Intellectual 54% Mystical 23% Artistic 70% Religious 30% Hedonism 10% Materialism 50% Narcissism 76% Adventurousness 36% Work ethic 50% Humanitarian 90% Conflict seeking 16% Need to dominate 50% Romantic 63% Avoidant 23% Anti-authority 70% Wealth 43% Dependency 70% Change averse 70% Cautiousness 63% Individuality 63% Sexuality 90% Peter pan complex 36% Family drive 23% Physical Fitness 90% Histrionic 56% Paranoia 43% Vanity 56% Honor 56% Thriftiness 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

I took the personality test linked above and found all the things below about myself. Not sure if all are a fit but for what it's worth, here they are. I'm not into anything serious on this Saturday. Have a good weekend!

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
clean, self revealing, open, organized, outgoing, social, enjoys leadership and managing others, dominant, makes friends easily, does not like to be alone, assertive, hard working, finisher, optimistic, positive, likes to stand out, likes large parties, respects authority, practical, high self esteem, perfectionist, dislikes chaos, busy, not familiar with the dark side of life, controlling, high self control, traditional, tough, likes to fit in, conforming, brutally honest, takes precautions--some of these are not how I view myself while others are right on target.

This test doesn't seem to have much in common with the Myers-Briggs test that I took. It showed me to be an INFJ type. I think that I identify more with being INFJ than the trait snapshot above. What's your type?

Balancing in relationships

I talked with a sponsee about how to balance responsibilities in a relationship with an alcoholic. He has a couple of children and is having a hard time because his wife is not really parenting but is busy with active alcoholism. He wants their marriage to be whole so that "two become one". He is frustrated and doesn't know what to do.

I don't think that any relationship really is healthy when "two become one" , and this is especially true when alcoholism is involved. I had some kind of fantasy in my head that marriage would involve doing everything together, making decisions together, and generally getting inside each other's skin. It became more a situation in which we got under each other's skin. And it wasn't a pleasant scene. The alcoholic was self-centered, shut down during conversations, was moody, depressed, and generally indifferent. I was angry, depressed, controlling, and self-centered because I knew that I could fix everything if she would just do what I said. I had forgotten who I was and maybe never really knew who she was.

So to keep balance in my relationship, I have to maintain who I am. I have to have my own time and my own life. Sure, it's connected to another but we are two separate adults. We each can enjoy our own hobbies, our own friends, go to our own meetings, and generally live our own life. And then when we are together, we can share about those things. We can accept that we have the right to our own opinions, and that having a life isn't contingent upon what the other one does or thinks or feels. This isn't an easy process by any means. But it tends to keep the relationship in balance in which no one person gets swallowed up by the other.

Adult children of alcoholics

“Alcoholism is something that affects the entire fabric of your life. Its long-reaching tendrils always find you and tightly twine themselves into your thoughts, feelings and actions. They define and color all of your life in a way that leaves you feeling like life is a constant flat tire. The air is always leaking out no matter how many times you try and patch it or replace it. Your life does not travel on a smooth road because of it, but is constantly bumping itself from side to side.

“It is not true that children ‘forget’ as they grow. If anything, those memories are vividly cemented into place for life, complete with the original feelings, fears, hate, resentments, confusion, inability to function and reason, inability to feel good about oneself, the inability to trust yourself or others, and the ability to remain invisible. It becomes a lifetime job to undo what was caused by living with an alcoholic parent and, often, the struggle to overcome it can leave you as exhausted and deflated as a flattened old tire. It takes phenomenal strength to fight your way to a healthy life, forgive the past, and grow into an adult who has finally become whole and able to extinguish the anguished voice of the child who fought to survive.” From INFP: The 64-Color Box

It's tough reading the above because I have a tendency to go back in my head to that place of confusion where the memories aren't so good. I realize how fortunate I am to have found that I don't have to have the memories cemented to me forever. I can choose to put those things in the past and move into today. And it does take a lot of strength, faith, humility and acceptance to move from the past into the present. I'm grateful that today I have:

• a better plan than being mired in self-pity and feeling deflated and empty
• a program that is teaching me that the past is over but today is full of wonder
• no desire to act out my character defects that once ruled and ruined my life
• chosen to make it a lifetime job of healing myself through the help of my HP and Al-Anon
  

Moments of clarity

Last night at the meeting, we shared about moments of clarity when we came into the program. I don't recall having any moment of clarity when I came in, other than perhaps that I needed to do something that would help me. I felt miserable and empty. Maybe it was the fact that nothing was clear to me or made much sense anymore and that's why I went to an Al-Anon meeting on the suggestion of a good friend.

What was particularly poignant was the sharing of a woman who said that she happened to look down at her bracelet during the meeting and saw the words that made things clear to her: Truth, Courage, Wisdom, Grace, Balance.

She shared that the moment of truth came when she recognized that she could not control someone else, and that she had no ability to manage her own life. She became courageous when she was able to look at the truth and open herself up to the possibility that there was a power greater than herself at work. She had wisdom by being willing to follow others in the program who had the power and peace that she wanted, to see wisdom in them and to seek that wisdom.
Once she received the courage and wisdom and found out the real truth through working steps one through four, she was willing to ask for grace and to give grace in the form of forgiveness. And the balance of her life came through the process of working the steps. She could give to others instead of always taking.

The program provides a circle, just like the bracelet, that doesn't end as long as we are willing to believe that I'll get the truth, courage, wisdom, grace and balance that I seek.

Useless phrases

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.--Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've said that there are six phrases that I want to eliminate from my thinking: "What if", "Yes, but" and "I know". When I use these phrases, my ego is usually in charge and I'm either trying to defend myself, prove a point or projecting fear.

Projecting fear can stop everything in its tracks. It can paralyze my mind. I can read all kinds of things into situations when I project my fear into the future.

I shared a story last night about a person who was undergoing exploratory surgery to determine whether he had cancer. He was concerned about the outcome and said to his friend, "What if I have cancer?" The friend looked him in the eye and said, "You'll deal with it just as you have dealt with all the other tough times in your life."

What I have often failed to realize is that if I don't "borrow trouble", I can deal with whatever comes my way. If I stop the worry, then my thinking clears up and I can see a solution or steps that I need to take more clearly.

If I eliminate the "what if's", then I can trust myself and my HP to do what's best for me.

If I eliminate the "yes but's", then I can listen to what is being said with acceptance for their viewpoint without having to prove my own point.

If I eliminate the "I know's", then I may actually learn something from someone else and find out that I don't have all the answers.

Tired but happy

It was a really nice weekend. I worked until nearly midnight on Friday to get the boat in the water. Stepping the mast in the dark was an adventure! It all got done though and we motored to the marina getting there around 1 AM on Saturday. After that, I just dropped in the V berth and slept.

On Saturday, I sailed to a favorite mooring and rowed the dinghy ashore to walk on the beach. There were a lot of boats on this deserted island. It's become party central at the point but once I got away from that, the entire four miles of beach was deserted. It was a nice walk and a good time to appreciate living in these times.

I think that this is a good time to live. I've seen about the best the earth has to offer. Technology has advanced rapidly during my lifetime. I've gotten to work at a career that sought to improve the condition of the oceans. If things don't improve, then I've seen the best of the planet. So it's been a good time to be alive.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Living in a time where mankind stands at the brink of momentous decisions
• Having seen so many great things and worked to effect positive changes for the planet
• Another day in which I have a chance to do things right
• Life experiences that have been challenging but from which I've grown and learned some great truths
• Having my home group meeting tonight where I get to see some of my friends in recovery.
  

"Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul." Thomas Merton

To Anonymous in Pain

"I am hoping all of you will listen and hear me tonight. I am truly at a low point. The alcoholic in my life told me tonight that I am an embarassment. When I expressed my need for time and attention, I was recvd with a cold shoulder and told to leave. I actually drank too much tonight. I haven't done that in a year at least. The alcoholic in my life does it regularly and i never know if they are alive or not, but tonight i did it and I am an embarassment to them because of it. I have been attending al-anon meetings, but I have had a relapse. No matter how hard I try to not get into relationships with alcoholics or addicts, I find them and they find me. Of course, I'm the only one in my family who thinks we have a problem. If my dghtr weren't so fucking beautiful and precious, I would certainly be more tragic. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I am in so much pain, I just don't know how to break it."

I understand your low point. I've been there and have been told over the years by my alcoholic that I was a lot of things, most of them not any good. It's fairly standard alcoholic rhetoric. What I've come to know is that if someone doesn't love themselves, then it's not going to be possible for them to love another.

Going to Al-Anon has made me realize that my story isn't unique. Interactions with an alcoholic can cause great damage to self-esteem. It becomes difficult to function because our lives seem so hopeless in this destructive dance with the alcoholic. And it seems that we are drawn to alcoholics because they fulfill this need that we have to help, to fix, to control. These are all adaptations that have come from the influence of alcoholism in our lives.

How did I break the cycle? The experience, strength and hope of others has made me realize that I am worthwhile and that by working on my own recovery, I am no longer enabling the alcoholic. The cycle then gets stopped because we no longer participate in it with the alcoholic.

I can only tell you what worked for me. There were times when I wanted to get drunk, run my car into a tree, and do other stupid things to destroy myself because I was so angry at the alcoholic. Now I know that the alcoholic has a disease. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I can just take care of myself and enjoy the life that I have. And it is now a great life. Because I chose to break the cycle, my alcoholic is now in recovery and is like a different person.

I would urge you to keep going to meetings, call other Al-Anon members who have a number of years of recovery, get a sponsor and start working the steps. You will find true peace by working this program.