Light bulb moments

I've come to the conclusion that eventually if you stay in the program long enough, you'll have a "lightbulb" moment when you at last grasp what it means to be content with who you are. When you live in alcoholism for a long time, strange things happen. Generally, as co-dependents we lose the ability to feel, we don't know how to love or be loved, we don't know how to be truly intimate, and we don't enjoy the things in life that make it worth living.

After having worked the steps and listened at many meetings, I am finding that how I interact with people has changed. With my SO, I've found that we each work on our recovery, and although we may not be on the same page, we are changing as individuals and as a couple. I've learned to trust her. And with that trust has come an ease of tenseness. I've learned to enjoy our independence. We can spend lots of time apart without the other one getting upset. But we also make sure we spend time together, even if it's just reading or sitting in the same room together.

A real lightbulb moment for me was that I can love her without demanding she do what I wanted her too. This concept has been a hard one because I wanted to simply make the other person over. So I can now allow her to be who she is, and accept the love she offers in her own way. I can heal and grow. I don't have to be angry with her anymore. I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. I don't have to be a child anymore.

The light bulb moments or clarity of thought all lead to one thing, change. I can tell that my interactions with others have changed. I'm much more accepting of them. It is a great feeling of freedom to know that I can't change them. It seemed like it has taken a long time to come to me, but I can feel the changes in me and know that my moments of clear thinking are occurring more and more often.

The Heroin Diaries

I tried to read the Heroin Diaries which is a book by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. The book recounts a dark year in the life of the Motley Crue bandleader/bassist.

Sixx has promoted the book in a diary format with the idea that it will help others to avoid the hell that he went through. I found the book contrived and disturbing. Contrived because it seems that the entries were made "after the fact" and were done as a type of remembrance of those dark days. Regardless of that, it still seemed that there is glamorization of his drug abuse and the depravity of his lifestyle.

I got through about 30 pages and had to stop reading it. It seemed to repeat the same sex, drugs and rock and roll theme over and over. I found the whole scene to be too much. Maybe it's because it was written by Sixx when he was still using (or maybe not). I was hoping the diary entries would be followed by recovery and coping but it was only about how messed up he was. I guess that I was looking for solutions and not a day by day shoot up party. It reminded me of a very long-winded drunkalog that has no recovery included. After a while, I just feel sick and have heard enough. I'm going to read Tweak next. Maybe I'll be able to get through it.

Building Bridges using the Twelve Steps

I read an article from the Forum magazine that was called "Building Bridges with Each of the Twelve Steps". The original article is by Barbara W. I have taken the idea and expressed what these bridges mean to me.

Step One is a bridge to surrender. I came into Al-Anon alone and feeling lost. I left that meeting knowing that there were others who shared my experience and were willing to extend a hand.

Step Two is a bridge to hope. I see that my life doesn't have to be miserable unless I choose to let it be that way. I see that others have what I want.

Step Three is a bridge to trust. I begin to develop a relationship with a power greater than myself and believe that my Higher Power will be beside me even in dark hours.

Step Four is a bridge to my character. I no longer have to judge myself or others but realize that my actions, reactions, and behavior have been part of my dis-ease.

Step Five is a bridge that allows me to let others in. I had the courage to tell God and another person about myself and felt accepted and loved for doing so.

Step Six is a bridge to readiness. I realize that those traits that have helped me survive alcoholism are not needed to protect me anymore. I can give them up and still live.

Step Seven is a bridge to humility. I am willing to have God remove my shortcomings. I no longer have to have my old ways but can see that God's way is better.

Step Eight is a bridge to willingness. I acknowledge that I have harmed others because of the disease of alcoholism. I am willing to forgive myself and others.

Step Nine is a bridge to responsibility. I take responsibility for my actions and understand that changes in behavior are needed.

Step Ten is a bridge to accountability. I can let go of the past and enjoy this day. I am no longer trying to lean into tomorrow or fall back into yesterday. I stand firmly in this day with head and heart in alignment.

Step Eleven is a bridge to God. I feel the nearness of my Higher Power and look to Him for guidance.

Step Twelve is a bridge to the world around me. I reach out to others and offer them what so freely has been given to me.

These are the bridges that I use to connect me to a new way of life.

Weekend recap

It was another great weekend. I got on the boat after work and took a nap before setting out under sail. The wind was almost non-existent so it took me a while to get to my anchorage. I finally arrived around 4 AM on Saturday. Whew--it was fun though to be the only boat out there, except for the big container ships.

On Saturday, I went for several walks on the beach and blew up the new raft that I attached to the boat. It was fun to just flop in that to stay cool. There was the usual large crowd of 75 boats but by 6 PM everyone left. Compass Rose was the only boat left.

Sunday was a quiet with a dawn walk on the beach, a late breakfast, another walk and then an exciting sail back. The wind had picked up to around 18 knots so it was great sailing. There was a regatta going on, and I saw a couple of kids whose boat had turned upside down. They were attended by a couple of other boats so I thought that all would be okay.

Coming back to work after such a relaxing time makes me realize how much I look forward to these weekends on the boat. I will be comparatively young when I retire which will be good. Like many of you noted, I don't think that I'll retire from doing things that I like but am already thinking that maybe an Ecotour business might be nice. For sure, whatever I'll do will have to be associated with water in some way.

Tonight is my home group meeting. I always look forward to that group. It's small but there's some good discussion for sure. Hope that each of you is having a good Monday.

"When you retire, think and act as if you were still working; when you're still working, think and act a bit as if you were already retired." ~Author Unknown

Job reflections

It's Friday, and I'm ready to leave on my boat after work. I've been working here for a long time and the feel of the place has changed over the past five years. There have been funding cuts due to the tightening of grant funds, staff have left for other positions or retired, and the general atmosphere has become much more subdued. Maybe it's a reflection of the times that we are in.

At the manager's meeting today, I learned that another colleague is going to be leaving and going with private industry. We've lost over 8 Ph.D. positions in the past 2 years with the likelihood that they won't be immediately replaced. I have about 18 months to go before I retire from this position. That's a strange feeling. I've worked here all my professional life, except for a brief stint with EPA.

I have thought a little about what I might want to do after retiring but have decided not to make any plans. It's too far in the future anyway. I just keep my mind on what I immediately have to get done for the rest of today.

And then I can walk out the door and go sailing after work. I'm heading out to the island to stay on the boat for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to reading, relaxing, and sleeping. Have a great weekend.

Discovering Choices

Al-Anon has a new book out called Discovering Choices. I haven't read it yet but have read a few excerpts on line. It's about relationships, something that I'm always interested in since that seems to be one of the major stumbling blocks for me in recovery.

It's the whole idea of having healthy relationships and not the co-dependent ones of the past. Anyway, the book states that "Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we
have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now."

It's an important point for me to get through my head that I don't need to constantly be criticizing myself for the way I've handled relationships in the past. They are over with. I can just concentrate on how I handle things on this day, hopefully with respect for the other and with love.

The book explains that at meetings we find people who have discovered that happiness is a choice they can make at any moment. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let my fear take hold and be miserable. Being content is not an accidental mood created when someone else does what I want. I just need to keep the focus on what is within my power to change and what is up to my HP. I think that way I'll be able to achieve the peace of mind and healthy relationships that the book talks about.

Tradition Seven

There have been quite a few meetings focusing on Tradition Seven during this seventh month. I used to think that the traditions were boring and that they only pertained to what happened in meetings. But I've come to realize that the traditions can be applied in our lives, just as the steps can.

Tradition Seven has its origin in keeping our groups self-supporting so that we don't receive money from foundations, hospitals or other sources outside of Al-Anon. It's important that Al-Anon meet its own expenses and not be dependent on outside entities.

But I see that this tradition has a great application in our lives. I work and have a good job. I am financially self-supporting. And I'm glad that my alcoholic is also self supporting. We are lucky in that alcoholism didn't wreak havoc with finances.

Tradition Seven also means to me that I am physically, emotionally and spiritually self-supporting. This is a bit tougher for me. I have taken to heart the opinions of others for most of my life. Now I know that those are only their opinions and that I must look inside myself and to my HP for validation, rather than to another human.

In relationships, it's important to consider what another has to say but it isn't necessary to feel bound to their opinion. There is also the issue of control here. Neither of us must do anything to limit the options of the other to avoid being hurt or frightened. I've frequently let others be my HP by being overly dependent on them for my emotional well being. But this Tradition reminds me that my self-worth comes from within and from my HP, not from having to have someone in my life in order to feel okay about myself.

I have thought that my marriage was based in the beginning on being with someone for my well being. I had a need and didn't feel whole without having her in my life all the time. I've come to realize that this exaggerated need comes from my fear of rejection and abandonment and isn't healthy. I know now that we are together to enhance each others lives but not to be each others lives.

I know that my relationship has been made stronger because I am responsible for my progress and recovery. I don't want to feel less than but an equal partner who does my part.

I am grateful today that:

* I am not attempting to control my partner and our relationship.
* I accept responsibility for my actions and know that the problems that occur are of my own making.
* I have a good job and am self-supporting.
* I'm okay with doing things that may not necessarily be something my SO wants to do.
* I have a program that reminds me that receiving is a position of powerlessness while giving is a position of control.

How to tell your "story"

The topic at my homegroup meeting last night was "how to tell your story". Telling your story is one of those opportunities to serve that is part of the Al-Anon legacy: "Recovery through the steps; Unity through the traditions; and Service through the Concepts." It is also an honor to tell your story.

We talked about some of the components in telling about your self. It's important to talk about what your life was like, what happened, and what it's like now. This is basically what the "old" you was like, how you wanted to change, what changed you and what the "new" you is like today.

Telling your story is an opportunity to be completely honest with yourself and your group. It doesn't matter how many steps you've done or how long you've been in the program. What matters is that you have accepted that you have a problem because of someone else's drinking; that there are things happening you cannot control by yourself; that you have to ask for help from others to begin recovery and that you must focus on what you can do with the help of your Higher Power. You can share what you have learned in the program and how it is helping you .

I don't think that there is any definitive way to tell your story. It is up to the individual. I know that when I told mine the first time, there was a lot of pain and more focus on the past. Now there is more focus on recovery. And I explain my recovery in the context of the steps which are the real "meat and potatoes" of the program.

If telling your recovery story touches just one person, you're a success. That person will have hope because there is a real person talking about living a happy life even in spite of alcoholism. Your experience will help somebody else, which gives your pain meaning. I've found that people love to hear stories and learn more about others.

You don't have to be a great orator or public speaker. Just tell your own powerful truth from your heart, as you know it, as it happened to you.

Patience

I think that my level of patience has increased as I've gotten older. My parents used to tell me that I was impatient about everything when I was a kid. I stayed in that mode for many years. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Looking back, it seemed like an incredibly selfish attitude.

I've found that waiting for something or someone has it's own rewards. I may think that I want something but now I ask myself whether I need it. If I don't need it, then I can wait for it. And maybe in the future, I might actually get it. It is rare that we have all the planets, stars, and forces in alignment in this life. I have learned with the program and with living life in general that those things that I want to do, have, be or accomplish won't happen immediately. In fact, they may never happen. So, I accept the limitations that I have and tend to work within the sphere that is reality.

For instance, I think some days that I may want a bigger boat. And then I think that having a bigger boat might bring bigger problems, more upkeep, etc. So I don't feel an urge to rush out and act on my thoughts but have learned to appreciate the boat that I currently have. I am grateful just to have Compass Rose and accept that there might be a time in the future when I'll seriously consider a bigger boat, but it doesn't have to be today.

The same thing is true about other aspects of living. I can wish and want until I'm lost in that, or I can learn how to wait. I like the Rolling Stone lyrics, "You can't always get what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need. "

All done

I finished up the sailing course and received my certification with keel boats. It was a great course and a great experience. I think that the best part was being able to tack and jibe in close quarters within the marina and being able to sail into the slip without any motor power. That was an accomplishment.

Meeting and interacting with the other people in the course was also a lot of fun. I found that our mutual enthusiasm made our time together on the boat easy. We truly worked as a team which makes for a smoother ride in general. And all of us were agreeable in realizing that we were willing to learn and eager to absorb as much as we could from the instructor.

I can't say enough good things about the young instructors. They were the yin and yang of each other but each offered valuable knowledge. If I had not had the first instructor who was a "micro-manager" sailor, then I wouldn't have been as well prepared for the second part of the course. And the instructor for that part had a laid back style but put the boat in our hands and asked each of us to explain what we were doing and why. Both styles complemented each other.

I am tired tonight but think that a few Ibuprofen will do the trick. Right now, I'm going to take those and hit the sack.

End of the first part

I completed the first part of the course today. There were man overboard drills which were a challenge in a 20 knot breeze. There were intermittent rain showers too.

This course has made me realize the things that I didn't know. It is a humbling experience in many ways. It covers the more technical aspects of sailing, rather than just heading for a destination. There were a few moments today that I felt discouraged that I wasn't doing everything perfectly. The instructor is a college kid who is half my age. That's the old ego coming back. And it's a big character defect because it causes me to beat up on myself and compare my abilities to another.

So I decided that it wasn't important that I was doing things perfectly but that I was listening and watching and doing my best to follow directions. The instructor, regardless of his youth, is professional and knowledgeable and amazingly patient. That made the day much more enjoyable.

There's more sailing through Sunday for the second part of the course. Once completed and if my skills are sufficient, I'll receive a certification. I'm glad that I'm taking this course. And I'm looking forward to trying out some of these new skills on my own boat.

Great first day

The first day of the sailing course was good. It covered much of what I already knew, but that's to be expected when you're going over material with a new group of people. The other people in the course are a couple from Knoxville, TN. They are pleasant and have a great sense of humor which makes everything go much better.

I was out on the water for six hours yesterday and was beat. We did a lot of tacking and jibing, got chased around by some thunderstorms, and generally had a great time.

Life is good at the moment. I'm tired but looking forward to another day on the water. I hope that each of you is having a good week. Needless to say, I am missing reading your blogs. I get a lot from what you have to say.

I'm grateful today for:

• an opportunity to do something that I enjoy and am passionate about
  
• staying in the moment when I'm out on the boat
• coming home to a soft bed and lots of kisses
• having a job that allows me to take leave to do some exciting stuff
  

Ocean sailing course

I am taking an ocean sailing course this week. It will go through Sunday. It's a certification course which is nice and is supposed to provide in depth information on coastal passage with a sailboat. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while and finally decided to pony up the money and take the course.

I haven't been around to visit your blogs since Friday so I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel as if I'm missing what's going on in your life. I'll get around to checking in as soon as I can.

There were only four of us at last night's meeting so we had an open discussion about some of the things that had been going on with us. It was a free form format, just the four of us sitting around talking like friends do. That's what's so good about the program--the fellowship of caring about each other.

Tonight I'll go to another meeting after my sailing day is over. I know that I'm cramming in a lot but tonight is a regular meeting for me, and it's always a good one.

Have a good week everyone. I'll post and check in when I can.

Too tired

I'm tired today. After spending two days on the boat, I find that I'm generally beat by Monday. And it seems that I always find something to keep me up late on Sunday evening so then I have to take the consequences the next morning.

It was a nice weekend on the boat overall. The weather was good, and there was actually a cool breeze Saturday evening. It was a bit crazy on Sunday because there were about 75 boats beached or anchored. These young girls were doing what I think is the equivalent of "pole" dancing on various boats. They look to be 20 somethings who have had way too much to drink and are doing their best to be provocative. Unfortunately, their dancing is pretty bad, and there isn't much seductive about them. I wonder what their goal is--maybe just to be seen and appear cool. It makes me wonder what their parents would think if they were there.

I went for a long walk on the beach and found about ten large shark's teeth. It's a great way to meditate--just strolling along and occasionally glancing down to find a piece of treasure.

I had to get up and get going this morning, even though I decided to sleep an extra half an hour. Tonight is my home group meeting. And tomorrow I start a six day ocean sailing course. I'm wondering when I'll get some rest.

Staying in the day but sleep walking through it.

Laws of Ultimate Reality

How's your reality on this Sunday? I thought that you might enjoy some of these for a laugh.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

• Law of Mechanical Repair--After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
• Law of Gravity--Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability--The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Random Numbers--If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
• Law of the Alibi--If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Variation Law--If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
• Law of the Bath--When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of Close Encounters--The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result--When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics--The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Theatre--At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• The Starbucks Law--As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy's Law of Lockers--If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Physical Surfaces--The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
• Law of Logical Argument--Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Brown's Law of Physical Appearance--If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy--As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Doctors' Law--If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
  

Hope that you enjoy your day. I'm off on the boat for the rest of the day.

Saturday thoughts

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was 95 when she died. She had lived a long life, but just as it does for all of us, our bodies eventually wear out. We get tired.

I shared at the meeting on Thursday in my story that one of the things that clearly showed me that there was a Power greater than myself was how I came to know about my mother's death. You see I actually knew about it before she died. And she knew about it also.

On the morning of her death, someone had come over to the house to visit us. It was a Sunday and I always went to visit my mother around noon on Sunday. About 11 AM, as I was talking to the lady who was visiting, I had a great feeling of urgency that I needed to be at the nursing home with my mother. I told my wife and the lady that I had to leave. I drove to the nursing home and when I turned the corner on my mother's hall, I saw the staff standing around and the head nurse standing there looking distressed. She told me that my mother had collapsed and the EMT's were working on her, trying to get her breathing. I watched as they carried her out and rode with them in the ambulance. But I knew that this was the end of her time here.

She had premonitions about her death as well. A few days before she died, she told me that she had a wonderful time going dancing with my father. He had come to pick her up the previous evening. My father had been dead for over 15 years.

I've read Hospice accounts of how the dying have premonitions and begin "traveling" before they are physically dead. My premonition of both my father and mother's deaths were an epiphany of sorts for me. I knew then that there was a Power greater than me who was leading me to be with them before they died, allowing us to connect in some manner before they moved on.

I'm thinking of my mother today and know that she and my dad are now dancing together.

A good feeling

Every time that I tell my story, I come away with a good feeling. It's almost like being enveloped in a warm blanket. This is a very different feeling than I would get when giving a scientific paper at meetings. There the feeling was one of low grade anxiety, of being critiqued, of measuring up.

At last night's AA meeting, I was welcomed warmly, listened to attentively, and came away with the feeling that I'd made some new friends. As I did the last time that I told my story, I spent most of my time talking about the steps and their meaning in the context of my life and how they have worked for me.

After the meeting, quite a few people came over to thank me and one fellow talked to me about his situation at length. I'm grateful that he heard something that he identified with.

I drove home in pouring rain, all the while thinking about how grateful I am for the fellowship, for my sponsor, and my HP.

Today's gratitude

I finally got to bed at a decent hour last night. I've been tired ever since the weekend. Sleeping on the boat is restful during the day but at night, I find that I awake easily whenever I hear a strange noise.

There wasn't any crew rowing last night because the City Marina parking lots were full and cars were being turned away. We generally get together on Wednesday evening for a 2 hour row around the Harbor. It's good exercise and another chance to be out on the water in mid-week.

I've been asked to be the speaker at an AA meeting located in the southern part of the state. This group has an Al-Anon speaker every 3 months which seems like a good idea. I wish that there were more such exchanges among the groups in the local area. There's a lot to be said for us to go to open AA meetings and for the AA's who have good recovery to be a part of Al-Anon. I have always learned a lot when I've heard AA's share and speak. Maybe my story will resonate with some in the group tonight. And it's an opportunity for me to give away some that I have been given.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Another day to ask to do God's will
• Having an opportunity to share my E,S, H with another fellowship
• Feeling a lot more rested and energetic than yesterday
• Finishing up another project at work that has taken quite a while to complete
• The dogs and cats who seem to know when I'm tired and just let me relax--no pounces, no whines
  

Trust

Trust is sometimes a big issue for most of us. I've heard lots of sharings from people who tried over and over to trust people who were untrustworthy. They wanted to believe the lies and promises about not drinking. Their denial and naivete kept them from the realization that people frequently are going to fail us, lie to us, abandon us, and not be trustworthy.

I've usually been naive in trusting others, preferring to believe what I was told. I think some part of me was trusting that others would make me feel okay about myself, that they would make it right for me. That was dysfunctional thinking.

I've eventually come to realize that trust is something that is earned and has to be mutual. Even in Al-Anon, there are people who I know that I can trust and then there are those who I don't reveal much to. People do the best that they can, but because they are human, they have their failings. If they could do better, they would.

Ultimately, it is trusting in the process of recovery, trusting in my Higher Power, and trusting in my sponsor that have proved solid. I know that by trusting the process of working the steps, I can recover. I no longer have to control, obsess, or be filled with fear.

I know that by trusting in my Higher Power, I'll find my way. I've learned to trust that things will be revealed to me in God's time, not mine.

And I know that working with my sponsor has been an example of trust on my part. Revealing things about myself that I've never told another, as part of Step Five, is an act of trust.

All of this has helped to rebuild my trust in myself and through that to open myself up to a renewed trust in others. I would say that I'm not trusting others to solve my problems but am trusting that there is some goodness within them. This means that I accept the possibility of disappointment, and grasp the good that loving another person gives me.

Throwing a shoe

I enjoy reading biographies and have read a couple on Bill and Lois Wilson. One of the stories that I find amusing is when Lois W. threw her shoe at Bill W. In various books about the Wilson's including Lois Remembers, the shoe toss occurred because she was being hurried along by Bill W. so that he wouldn't be late for an Oxford group meeting. Her response was to take the shoe that she was about to put on and toss it at him saying, " Damn your old meetings!"

This show of temper is said to be the first time that she realized how profoundly she had been affected by her husband's alcoholism. And she realized that the moral superiority that she had felt might not be totally justified. The biography Bill W. describes Lois as wanting to be someone who had the power to change people. She thought that she could do this by the goodness of her personality.

I think that is classic for many of us in the program. We think that if we are just reasonable, everything and everybody else will also be reasonable. But let's face it, we know that isn't always the case. And then there are moments when we want to throw a shoe.

I had a moment like that today when dealing with a fellow at the car dealership. I had my car serviced and one of the technicians decided to remove the upholstery strip that goes around the passenger-side window. It had started to come loose and I had inquired about whether it could be glued. Anyway, someone decided just to cut it off and throw it away. And the service rep. tried to give me a line about how they "routinely" do that for safety reasons. Huh???

So after suggesting that the service techs might want to check with the owner before they deface a car, I asked for the general manager's number. He listened to what I had to say about the situation, apologized, and offered to order a new strip and install it free of charge. Okay!!

I've always heard that you get more flies with honey and probably you also get a more reasonable response if you keep your shoes on your feet and your temper in check. I'm glad that I was forthright yet reasonable. I'm also glad that I was wearing flip flops.

Al-Anon steps backwards

I'm still enjoying the weekend in my head so decided to post something funny for today. I came across a version of the Al-Anon steps backwards and made a few modifications. Thankfully, I don't practice these anymore.

12. Having detached ourselves spiritually as a result of ignoring these steps, we let our alcoholics tell us what to believe and practiced these principles sporadically. 11. Let our conscious contact with God as we undersood him lapse by praying only in emergencies for our will to be carried out. 10. Slacked off on personal inventory and when we were wrong, denied or hid it. 9. Reasoned that no one had been hurt by us more than we had been hurt by them and called it even. 8. Made a game of rationalizing the harm we had done others. 7. Sang "I've Gotta Be Me". 6. Decided that our defects of character were too much fun to give up. We would dump the defective characters instead. 5. Denied to ourselves, to God and to everybody else that we had ever done anything harmful. 4. Quickly cast a weak flashlight over our moral history. 3. Made a decision to keep our will and our lives totally in our own control. 2. Came to believe that since our troubles were all our fault, we would have to solve them without outside help. 1. We decided that we could control everything, that our lives were manageable.

Fireworks and no work

I had a nice weekend and Fourth of July. On the Fourth, we went to a party hosted by a fellow in AA. It was a nice time with a lot of dogs milling around and people enjoying the view of the Intracostal waterway and the great food. After the party, we went down to the boat to watch the fireworks over the Harbor. It was a spectacular show.

The rest of the weekend was spent on the boat at my favorite anchorage. There were lots of people there partying and generally enjoying the beach. I found quite a few sharks teeth, some pottery shards, and beach glass. It was one of the most relaxing weekends that I've spent in a while. And the harmony between us was wonderfully happy--lots of laughs, lots of talking, lots of just enjoying each others company.

Tomorrow it will be back to work time. But for this evening, I've got some great memories of time spent totally in the moment, without a care in the world.

Hotline

I've been taking some of the calls coming into to our district Al-Anon Information Service. Thankfully, most of the calls are queries about when and where meetings occur. Occasionally though, there are calls that require something a bit more than a meeting list.

Last night, I talked for about an hour to a lady who was struggling with her addicted son. She told me the story of how her son had been in and out of rehab, had lost jobs, and was now in a mid-western city following a binge and subsequent loss of a new job. He had been calling her for two hours to ask her for money, to tell her he was hungry and on the streets, and to scream at her for not helping him. She said that the last straw was when he called his 18 year old daughter at her college to ask her to send him $100.

Today, I talked to another lady whose son is an alcoholic. She told me that he was highly functional with a good job. He has been living with her and his 14 year old daughter doesn't want to be around him anymore because he has become "mean". She corrected me when I called alcoholism a disease. She said that it's an addiction. She said that she didn't really think she needed help but her son did.

I've listened to people weep, rail and question why. The main message that I get is that these people want to "fix" their alcoholic/addict. They often aren't even aware of how badly they themselves are hurting. They don't understand the concept of being powerless. And they are in denial about their own problems resulting from someone else's alcoholism. I hope that they go to a meeting and that the message of the program will get through to them. That's all that I can do.

Supporting each other

I want to thank all of you who stop by regularly for doing so. Your comments are important and much appreciated. I get a lot from reading what you write, your struggles, your triumphs, and all the other aspects of your life that you share.

In keeping with supporting each other, I wanted to mention a couple of recovery blogs that I've learned about recently. One is Recovery List which just got started and the other is The Second Road which has been around for a while. If you get a chance, stop by and write or give comments at these sites.

Even though we may not have the same problems, we seem to have a lot in common. That is, we are working on ourselves to improve our lives and consequently, the lives of those around us. I think that makes us all travelers on the highway. The destination isn't the objective though, it's the people, observations and insight that make up our collective awareness on this road that I find most intriguing.

Shortcomings

Appreciate your shortcomings for where they have brought you. Then release them and be free to rise above the limitations.

Savor the disappointments one last time and remember all you have learned from them. Then let them go and eagerly look forward to new and fruitful experiences.

Sincerely and completely forgive those who have brought you pain, including yourself. And feel the healing that immediately takes hold.

Be truly thankful for having been through so much. Then get busy creating the best of what can be.

Let go of the useless drama that is already over. Hold on to the positive value that you've gained from it all.

Always there are new possibilities to explore, new ways to grow, and new worlds to experience. With each new now, the world is filled with fresh opportunities to be.

-- Ralph Marston

I have come to appreciate that if I hadn't had a bunch of shortcomings, my life would have been pretty boring. But I've also learned that by having a better understanding of myself, I can accept myself and others and not feel a lot of guilt. I probably won't be able to erase those things that are an intrinsic part of myself. But I know that I can minimize my shortcomings and improve my attitude.

It also has helped that I really wanted recovery for myself. I've found that I get as much from the program as I'm willing to put into it. That means that I share at meetings, help newcomers, volunteer to help within the district, work the steps and maintain contact with my sponsor and HP.

Here are some positive steps that I read about that will help when dealing with shortcomings:

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behavior that is a problem

TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why

EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.

ERASE IT: The thinking/behaviour no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but that's ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.

REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us. That's ok too, just try something different.