Drinking: A Love Story

I have been reading another recovery book. This one is by Caroline Knapp and is called Drinking: A Love Story. This is her story of alcoholism, how she hit bottom and how she sobered up. Here is one of the passages that touches on the hardships of first becoming sober. It also gives an idea of what a great writer she was:

There’s something about facing long afternoons without the numbing distraction of any sort of anesthesia that disabuses you of the belief in externals, shows you that strength and hope come not from circumstances or the acquisition of things but from the simple accumulation of active experience, from gritting the teeth and checking the items off the list, one by one, even though it’s painful and you’re afraid....Passivity is corrosive to the soul; it feeds on feelings of integrity and pride, and it can be as tempting as a drug. If it feels warm and fuzzy, it is probably the [addictive] choice. If it feels dangerous and scary and threatening and painful, it is probably healthy.

I think that she is writing about the essence of what I have felt. A discomfort with myself and how there are many ways to block out discomforting thoughts that don't have anything to do with substance abuse. I think that over the last couple of years, I've learned to trust my feelings more. And by being honest with myself and my HP about who I am, I have become less fearful about feeling fear and have instead begun to learn from it.

Ms. Knapp died in 2002 from lung cancer. From what I've read, she was a life-long smoker. It's clear from her memoirs that she had a lot of class. And she was a gifted writer. She writes about rehab and the AA meetings she attended. And she writes about her struggle to overcome anorexia which she believed was linked with her disease of alcoholism.

This is really a poignant memoir of someone who appeared so out of sync with herself. She writes about how daunting it was for her to grow up and begin to face her fears.

It seems like such an obvious insight, so simple it borders on the banal, but I'd never before really grasped the idea that growth was something you could choose, that adulthood might be less of a chronological state than an emotional one which you decide, through painful acts, to both enter and mantain. I'd spent most of my life waiting for maturity to hit me from the outside, as though I'd just wake up one morning and be done, like a roast in the oven. But growth comes from the inside out, from trying and failing and trying again. You begin to let go of the wish, age-old and profound and essentially human, that someone will swoop down and do all that hard work, growing up, for you. You start living your own life.

This is a book in which I recognized feelings that I've known and feelings that I've heard expressed by my wife. I highly recommend it.

Start your engines

Well, in this case, I'm putting up my sails which are like engines on the boat and heading out for the island anchorage. It seems to me to have been a long week. But now it's time for a three day weekend which means that I'll get some rest, reading, and reprieve.

I was pleased that I received an excellent on my performance evaluation for the year. The director told me that generally people slow down in their performance as they near retirement, but I hadn't done that. I felt a bit like I had cheated though because in my heart I have slowed down. I do the things that are part of my job but not nearly with the the enthusiasm that I used to have. Perhaps I need to say something about that but I didn't.

It's true that on paper my achievements have been good over the past year. I've brought in funding, published papers, been active on national and state committees, etc. In short, I've done my job. In years past, I would have thought that I deserved an excellent rating. But the truth is that I don't think such a rating was deserved this year. Maybe it's because my heart and head weren't in alignment regarding my job. In my life, I feel much better about who I am and what I enjoy. Work just doesn't have the dominance in my life like it used to. I've learned that there are things out there to do that I enjoy and those less stressful things are what seem to bring me joy.

So, I'll be thinking about some of this over the weekend. But I'm also not going to let it ruin my weekend. Like I've heard in the rooms, "It is what it is."

Rising water

I went to a lecture last night on the impacts of sea level rise to the East coast. The panel consisted of a number of experts on energy conservation, sea level rise, and eco-justice. There are data showing that sea level has risen 1 foot since 1922 along South Carolina's coast. A sea level rise of 5 feet by the end of the century could inundate Charleston, unless levees like those in Holland are built to wall in the peninsula on which the historic city is built.

The discussion opened with a film that showed the impact of sea level rise to South Carolina's coastal communities. You can view it here or below. The Google Earth maps used in the film showed that a 5-foot rise in sea level would swamp the barrier islands, leaving only thin slivers of sand. There have been projections of a 3 to 5-foot sea level rise by 2100 in places like Rhode Island and Miami.

Duke University geologist Orin Pilkey was on the panel. Dr. Pilkey has been a champion of using geology to demonstrate that building houses on barrier islands is sheer stupidity. He said barrier islands have been shrinking worldwide for a century.

With global warming comes the likelihood of more severe hurricanes. And as Gustav moves into the Gulf of Mexico, I can't help but think of the grim future that coastal communities will have unless we change our behavior about use of energy.

I would like to see all the wonders that surround me continue to exist long after I'm gone. My hope is that people will read, become informed and take action before it is indeed too late. And if you don't believe in global climate change, then read about the shrinking polar ice caps and draw your own conclusion.

Rising Seas: Challenges and Opportunities for the Lowcountry from Open Dome Studios on Vimeo.

Let's separate

I think that the idea of having separate fellowships via Tradition Six is an excellent one and needs to be observed at meetings. In general, the sixth tradition is observed but occasionally someone will identify themselves with the "other" fellowship or quote out of non-conference approved literature. In one meeting, a lady read from A Beautiful Boy.

Generally, someone will come over after the meeting and remind the people who committed the faux pas that in Al-Anon, we only speak Al-Anon, share our E, S, and H and use Conference Approved Literature (CAL). There are lots of reasons for this. When Al-Anon members use AA literature for their meetings there is a tendency to concentrate on the alcoholic and his/her behavior rather than the family experience and our own recovery. The mention, recommendation or discussion of material other than Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature can be confusing to newcomers and takes the focus off of the Al-Anon program. I think what it boils down to is program integrity. And keeping with CAL helps maintain the integrity.

And here is one of the best statements that I've found to clarify the separateness of the programs:"If you are a member of another 12-step group we ask that you limit your comments to Al-Anon topics and save other comments for their respective recovery group. We do this not to limit you, but to be sensitive to our new members who may still have unresolved issues surrounding alcoholism, drug abuse, or other such problems."

Satisfaction with life

The Satisfaction With Life Survey is a short, 5-item instrument designed to measure global cognitive judgments of one's lives.

1. ____ In most ways my life is close to my ideal.

2. ____ The conditions of my life are excellent.

3. ____ I am satisfied with my life.

4. ____ So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.

5. ____ If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.

• 7 - Strongly agree
• 6 - Agree
• 5 - Slightly agree
• 4 - Neither agree nor disagree
• 3 - Slightly disagree
• 2 - Disagree
• 1 - Strongly disagree

If I answer truthfully and not idealistically to these, I'd do the following:
no. 1--slightly agree
no. 2--strongly agree
no. 3--agree
no. 4--agree
no. 5-- agree

The last statement about having to live my life over and doing it the same is a tough one because nothing has been ideal nor has anything been really horrible. It has been living life on life's terms and dealing with it. When I first thought about it, I believed that there are some things that I would change: being more prudent in my choices about relationships, working a 12 step program earlier in life, realizing that I could be satisfied with who I am without having to depend on someone else. I don't think of these as regrets necessarily but just what would have made life an easier path. On the flip side though is my gratitude for getting to where I am now. And that wouldn't have happened without the hard knocks in life or the experiences that I've had.

The following quote sums up my satisfaction with life:
"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do"(ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234).

How do you rate your satisfaction with life?

Talking about amends

Last night at my homegroup, we discussed Step Nine. The meeting was something that I really needed as I'd had some unresolved stuff floating around in my head since the weekend: A resentment of a good friend who decided to let his alcoholic behavior come out.

I've seen him throw tantrums before so it wasn't anything new. I have become tired of them though. And generally the tantrum is such wasted energy that could be channeled into something productive. Becoming angry, cursing and yelling masks not only the real problem but the real solution as well. So I found myself taking his inventory in my head.

So I am glad that we discussed amends last night. We shared about the amends that we made that weren't accepted. My sponsor has had a few of those. And I have had one of mine ignored--not exactly not accepted but ignored at the expense of some judging comments tossed my way. A great thing about Step Nine is that by going to make the amends without expectation of the outcome, it's okay if the other person ignores, rejects, or accepts what we have come to say. And that's because when I made my amends, it was a great feeling and one that made me feel relief and light in my mind and body.

So I'm not going to channel any more thoughts into someone else's misery. My friend will deal with whatever is going on without my presence. I'm moving on to more productive thinking and putting a "not for rent" sign in my head.

Back at work

The title isn't what it seems. My back is at work in some kind of hurting fashion. Too much sailing this weekend, I guess. Anyway, I could hardly walk this morning because of stiffness. And the pain just radiated down my leg. So I took a muscle relaxer and tried not to dose off at work. Those muscle relaxers really knock me out.

Sailing was a bit rough this weekend. The wind was brisk on Saturday which made it an adventure due to gusts from the rain bands of Tropical Storm Fay. On Sunday, the wind wasn't so bad but there were some problems with the main sheet and having to run downwind. I finally got back to the marina near dark and then cleaned up the boat, stowed the gear, and flaked the sails.

I was glad to get home and get into bed. Even though the bed was still rocking and rolling. Today I'm grateful for:

1. My homegroup meeting where I always feel at home.
2. Knowing that I have a choice to make the most of situations, even those that are uncomfortable.
3. Being able to stand on two feet, even though everything is a little wobbly at the moment.
4. The people that love me in words and deeds
5. Having compassion and love for the alcoholic, even when the disease is something that I dislike.

Hope that your Monday is going well. I'll be catching up on the blogs soon.

A special place

I wanted to share with you some photos of a unique property that the state just acquired. It is over 4,500 acres of forest, fields, archaeological ruins, and a beautiful beach. It was deeded to the state following the death of the lady who lived there for many years. Her act of generosity is uncommon in these times when such a large piece of property would be devoured by developers. Instead it is to be maintained as a wildlife management area.

I was fortunate to be able to go there before it was opened to the public. There were so many shells on the beach. Unfortunately, overly zealous members of the public have been carting off the shells. We've had to post law enforcement officers and staff there to prevent the removal of more shells and to prevent damage to the archaeological sites. In short, the gift of this plantation has become a headache because of its high use and abuse of regulations by the public.

All that aside, it is a beautiful place. Stop by sometime if you're in the neighborhood.

Science facts?

Just some funny stuff for your Saturday morning. These were written by kids on their science tests . I'm adding in a photo of your favorite science nerd as well--actually this might be one of those photos of your neighborhood pedophile. Pretty scary I think. Have a great weekend.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.

For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Litre: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Tweak

I read Tweak, the book by Nic Sheff about taking meth. And after reading it, all that I could think was that I am grateful that I don't have a child who went through what Nic did. It was a tough book in many ways. I think that if I had a child out there who was using, it would be a hard book to read.

This wasn't a kid who was evil or who had no feelings. He was a kid who loved his family, cared about the people in his life, but the drug had such a hold on him that he was willing to do just about anything to keep using. His cycles of using and recovery made me realize what a hold this drug has on people.

Drugs weren't glorified in this book. Instead, the horrors of addiction came through loud and clear. I am hoping that Nic stays clean. He knows how to work a program of recovery which was talked about quite a bit in the book. The main thing that I took from this book is that those thinking about using drugs will read about a life on drugs that is as close to hell as one can get.

PS: I did read David Sheff's book A Beautiful Boy first which was from the father's perspective. It was also a good read.

Double winners?

When I first heard the term "double winners", I didn't really care for it. I couldn't see who would "win" anything by being in AA and in Al-Anon. It seemed more like double losers. Nothing was won in a competition or even a lottery unless there's some sort of cosmic lotto that determines who stays sober and who doesn't.

But now I realize that those who have been in AA for a while and come to Al-Anon have been twice blessed. An AA who has found alanon or an alanon who has found AA is fully working the programs to their benefit and the benefit of all the others they touch with their story. They are winners in this life. They have my respect for their strength and courage to change.

One of the meetings that I go to has many "double winners". I benefit from hearing what they have to say. With their knowledge of both sides of the disease, they provide a powerful perspective because of their life experiences. I also like the idea of having Al-Anon talk in meetings with the focus being on the family disease of alcoholism.

Sometimes conflicts of interest do arise. A friend in the group who has been the GR has decided that he is also an alcoholic so there will be a group conscience meeting next week to discuss his replacement. A decision of the World Service Organization was that Al-Anon members who are also members of A.A. may hold office within their own Al-Anon or Alateen group, but may not serve as Al-Anon group representatives or hold Al-Anon office beyond the group level.

I'm glad that he made a decision to step aside as GR. He has been active and engaged with Al-Anon within the district but had the honesty and courage to set aside his personal agenda for the greater good.

What meditation does

Meditation is something that I don't consciously think about. It seems that it just happens when I'm in a situation where there aren't interruptions or things to divert my attention. I meditate especially well when I'm on the boat, and I wake up in the morning listening to the wind and the waves. Meditation means that I turn inward in a positive way, but at the same time I'm sensing the outward influence of my HP manifested in nature, in simplicity, in quietude.

Meditation puts a space around me that insulates me from intrusions of the world. I no longer obsess about the alcoholic, work issues, my character defects, or any other outward influences. It is my time to be focused on myself.

I like to let my mind become a blank slate and not ponder the complexities of life--that seems to be the time that I am most in the moment. I'm not thinking of anything particular, but I am soaking up what is around me through my senses. It's strange that I never could quiet my mind long enough to just "be", but over the past several months, I've been able to just sit and not have anything much flowing through me but a sense of peace. It's a good feeling.

Two years of living

Last night's meeting was a happy time. I took a couple of the dogs and one other member brought her dog. It is the way my home group is--very laid back, very close and very accepting. There was food, flowers, cards, and my friends. It just doesn't get any better.

I focused my story on the steps and how my life has changed since coming to Al-Anon. Growing up an only child in a home where my father drank and my mother denied set forth a pattern for me of self-doubt, resentment, and need. I didn't have a clue about how to take care of myself. I would weakly establish wall of self defense only to take them down when someone would come along that I wanted approval from or who seemed more needy than I was. I kept repeating the same pattern inviting people in to hurt me and reinforcing the fact that I could not trust people or myself. I thought that I had this fatal flaw and that no one would ever love me.

After coming to Al-Anon, I realized that to build my self-worth on what others thought of me was setting me up for bad feelings. And I began to understand that my marriage had consisted of two dysfunctional people clinging together for safety from the hurt that we had experienced. I know that I can't blame my character defects on my parents because they had their own issues and loved me as they had been taught to love.

Gradually, I've come to realize that I can accept who I am without shame. I can accept others without judgment. I can rely on my Higher Power as the ultimate source of strength, caring, and answers. It's like learning how to live at last.

Home group tonight

I've been away due to work related meetings for the past two weeks and have missed my home group meetings. Tonight I am going and will get my Al-Anon anniversary chip. I'm happy about this and am looking forward to being back at this small yet powerful meeting.

My home group meets on a rural island and there aren't many attendees. My sponsor has kept this meeting going and those of us who attend are grateful because it is an intimate group who share and care about each other. We occasionally will have a few newcomers but they haven't stuck around for the long-term.

For many reasons, I feel at home here. It's simple, low-key, and true Al-Anon.

Tradition 8 in Al-Anon

Tradition 8 goes hand in hand with Step 12 in my thoughts. The 8th Tradition insures that anytime a newcomer reaches out for help, he will receive it, free of charge. Members freely share their own experience, strength, and hope with the newcomer and by doing so, help themselves by reinforcing their own recovery in the process.

The word "nonprofessional" means that I interact in a way that neither affirms nor implies that I am something other than a person in recovery just like others who come to Al-Anon. It means that if I need professional help then I should go where such help is available, outside Al-Anon. This seems clear, yet I have had sponsees who seem to want to get my opinions on their academic courses, their relationships, and other topics that aren't about the program.

I've also heard in meetings, advice given to people not to take medication for depression. This is not only contrary to this tradition but is dangerous advice. It isn't a good idea to play doctor or therapist where medications or relationships are concerned.

I know that I have leaned hard on my sponsor more than once to give advice on relationships. But I have a wise sponsor who never gave me advice except to keep the focus on myself. And I probably have been a step "pusher" for newcomers. In my zeal to encourage newcomers to get involved with the Steps, I sometimes talk about them as if they were the be-all and end-all. Working the steps is a road to recovery but that happens in God's time, not mine.

I also need to realize that I am not an expert on the workings of Al-Anon but simply do service work as needed. We have no paid staff but volunteers in this district. Just for today, it is a good idea for me to stick close to the message of Al-Anon as I encounter it in my home group and at others.

The 8th Tradition is one that reminds me that what I am to do in meetings is talk about my experience, not my opinion; not give advice, but try to give hope. If I do make suggestions, they should be spiritual in nature rather than advice about actions to take. I am also reminded that non-professional means leaving outside professions, philosophies, religions, etc outside. Thankfully, I don't hear much "therapy" in meetings. I want to remember that Al-Anon has a spiritual approach and that is how the message is carried.

Like an accident waiting to happen

Car accidents aren't funny at all but these statements put on accident insurance claim forms are interesting. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

• "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Just some humor to kick off a Saturday. Hope that you have a good weekend. I'm out on the water today for a spinnaker class and then off to spend the night on the boat.

Is your chooser broken?

Today at a meeting we shared about the commonalities that seem to be consistent within the program. And one of the most common of the commonalities was that we choose to be involved with alcoholics/addicts.

I can look back over relationships in my past and know that during high school and college, I seemed to be attracted to people who were wounded in some fashion, mostly by alcohol. I felt most comfortable with the people who appeared to be different. Those were the ones that for some twist of fate, I would want to talk to, get to know, and end up with.

When I met my SO, I thought that she was exciting. Later, I found that she was a mess. But I didn't shy away from the mess, instead I wanted to clean it up. And I found out that was an exercise in frustration.

I've chosen friends who seemed insightful, only to find out that they are recovering alcoholics. All will seem fine at first but eventually some of the alcoholic behavior will come out--the irritability, the self-centeredness, the grandiosity.

So, I know now that my "chooser" was broken. I didn't make the best choices in lovers or friends. But at the same time, I'm learning that I don't have to buy into alcoholic behavior, nor do I have to continue having a bad chooser. Al-Anon is providing some much needed Bondo for my chooser. Maybe it's one thing that I can "fix" without bad consequences.

Having something to say

When I first started in Al-Anon, I shared but often felt a little apprehensive. There was still a lot of pain going on in my life. And there were meetings where I felt uncomfortable. After going to a lot of meetings, I've found that there has only been a time or two that I didn't share. And I've found that the meetings I go to are the ones where I do feel comfortable.

I've found that I get a lot out of listening to others. In fact, I would much rather listen to others than actually talk. But there is something about being in a meeting that makes me feel okay about sharing my E, S, and H. I can remember dreading having to tell my story the first time. Now, it doesn't seem difficult at all. I was so serious and in a lot of pain for that first year but this year, I have gotten the message and feel much better about myself and others around me. It's as if a thick cloud has disappeared and there is nothing but clear skies.

I sometimes wish that everyone would share or had a chance to do so in a meeting. Everyone in the meetings has a story to tell or an opinion. And I learn something from everyone. I also fully understand that it is difficult for people to share, to trust and open up to a group. I have been in a meeting where the person chairing was trying to push another to share. I believe that saying "I pass" is to be respected and no issue need be made of it. I thought that the lady who kept pushing the person to share even though she declined was being pushy. Meetings are not about control but about helping us to recover from being controlled or controlling.

And sometimes people will share off topic because they need to just get something off their chest. They may be hurting or have something that is really bothering them. I think that is okay because the meetings are there to help someone who is suffering.

I found the following information on sharing a message of experience, strength and hope at meeting level. I thought that these provided a simple guide to getting the most out of a meeting.

Part of sharing is sharing time. Give others a chance to share. Three minutes is all it should take to carry the message at meeting level. (Humility and Service - Steps 7 & 12)

If you share a problem, also share the solution. (Hope, Faith, Integrity and Service - Steps 2, 3, 5 and 12)

Sharing IS carrying the message and that means sharing about a spiritual principle or step. (Hope, Faith and Service - Steps 2, 3 & 12 and Traditions 1, 5 and 11)

If God wants you to share someone will call on you. (Faith, Integrity and Humility - Steps 3, 5 and 7)

When you have very little to say, then say very little. Do not start by saying, “I really don’t have much to say”, and then ramble for the next 15 minutes. It is selfish and it blocks others from sharing the real message by taking up valuable meeting time. Brevity is the hallmark of efficacy. (Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility and Service - Steps 4, 5, 6, 7 and 12)

A 12 Step meeting is not group therapy, counseling, church or a garbage dump. This is the place to carry the message of recovery, not spread your disease. You are there to carry God’s message, not your own. We are, at best, vessels for the message of a loving Higher Power. (Hope, Faith, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 2, 3, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 5 and 11)

After you share do not get up and walk right out. Set an example for the newcomers. (Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love and Service - Steps 6, 7, 8 and 12)

If you can’t get to the meeting on time you have surrendered your right to share. (Willingness, Humility and Service - Steps 6, 7 and 12 and Tradition 11)

A step or topic meeting is about that step or topic. It is not about you. If you know little or nothing about the step or topic then listen rather than share.(Honesty, Integrity, Humility - Steps 1, 5 and 7)

If you share you should also contribute to the 7th Tradition. (Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 1 and 7)

Do not call on yourself. If you feel powerfully moved to share then politely attract the attention of the chairperson and wait to be recognized. (Honesty, Faith, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Spirituality and Service - Steps 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11 and 12 and Traditions 1, 2, 5, 9, 11 and 12)

Sharing is a means in which “God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.” I have not been able to maintain anything like ‘perfect adherence’ to these principles. I have been able to share the message more effectively when I ask God to work through me to help someone who is suffering. I keep coming back.

Comment moderation

I did something that grates me some. I went to comment moderation. I caved in due to the number of repetitive, boring, and useless comments that I was getting from a particular blogger. I've had no wish to rankle anyone. I have minded my business and basically kept deleting and deleting the comments that were left by a troll.

Comment moderation is like a boundary. And I decided that mine was being breached. So today I came to realize that my time was much better spent not having to delete posted comments. I would rather be spending that time writing something in my journal or reading a good book. Or doing a million other things that bring some satisfaction.

So like Scott said in his blog, the troll is dead to me now. I've rubbed out an irritant.

To The Troll

This is just to say
I have enabled comment moderation
the comments are no more
that were on
the blog

and which
you were probably hoping
that I would read and maybe heed

Forgive me but
they were so poorly done
so boring
and so useless that I got rid of each and every one

Going home today

I took this photo using my camera phone last night. The breeze was coming in, and I was sitting on the deck of the hotel thinking that it would be a lot nicer to be home or to have someone from home be here. But all in all, I can't complain.

It was a quick trip down, and it appears that I will be able to get some money for one of my research projects. At least enough money to keep the project going and pay the salaries of two staff members. We've had level funding for several years and all of a sudden we have gotten a huge increase in funding. I'm not sure that I understand how congress makes these decisions, but I'm glad that they did. Somebody in a high place liked what this project was doing and decided to quadruple the funding. I'm grateful for that. And I'm sure that my staff will be as well.

After the meeting today, I'll fly back home. It's funny how we get flown to resorts with great views, only to sit all day in a meeting room that has no windows. Maybe video conferencing will be the norm in the not too distant future and then I won't have to travel at all. That would be really nice.

My gratitude list is simple today:

• I'm glad that my lost bag was found and actually made it to my destination.
• I'm grateful that I don't know the machinations of government and why certain decisions are made.
• I have a lot of gratitude for knowing that I don't have to control people or the system--I can just show up and participate and hope that the right decisions are made.
  
• I'm glad to be going home and getting back to life out of the fast lane.
  
• I'm grateful that my needs are pretty simple and they don't include a squirrel hitman, time in the redlight district or a super V8.
  

In the meantime, take it easy and enjoy life.

Missing links

I switched over to a feed on blogs that I had links for, but it appears that I may have inadvertently left off some of you. So if you would like for me to link to your blog from my page, just let me know.

I'm on my way out of town for another meeting. I'm back in Florida at Fort Myers this time. Hopefully, after that I won't be out of town for a while. I feel like I'm on the run over the past couple of weeks. It's time to get some work done back at my lab and just settle down for a while.

Because of out of town trips and last minute preparation for the meeting this week, I've missed my meetings and will miss them most of next week as well. I had hoped to celebrate with my home group for my second anniversary this evening. I'm just glad that I found this great program. It has made a big difference in my life.

Some excuses.......

I thought that I would post something humorous today. These are funny excuses that were written for children attending school. I guess these are malapropisms of a sort.

"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever.
There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

I don't have any excuses for much anymore. Today is my second anniversary in the program and for that I'm thankful. There are no excuses for what I did in the past, just an honest appraisal of myself now. And I'm liking who I am these days.

What Syd needs....

Judith at Vicarious Rising suggested this: Type your name and "needs" into Google to see what 10 things come up. Cat has posted hers. So here is what I need:

1. Syd needs your votes---you didn't know that I was running for anything but I must be.
2. Syd needs to do a TED talk--I don't work on Turtle Excluder Devices (TED's) but maybe there is another TED acronym that I need to talk about.
3. Syd needs a good editor in a big way--'nuff said.
4. Syd needs to take his medicine--I already did Step Nine!
5. Syd needs to go to the supermarket--on my list of things to do-NOT!
6. Syd needs luv!--I'll agree to that.
7. Syd needs a bathroom with a thermal control--hmmm, I would like one of those towel warmers
8. Syd needs a friend--everyone needs as many good friends as they can get.
9. Syd needs a fresh start with some new man--okay Dave, what do you say?
10. Syd needs to retrieve--but I have dogs that do that.

I'm tagging Lou, Cedrorum, and Dave on this one. Tell us what you need.

Making a list and amends

In Step 8, I had to make a list of the people I'd harmed. The guiding rule for this step has to be that they were harmed. But I've also read that they have to know that I've hurt them. If I made amends in Step 9 to someone I'd hurt in ways that they didn't know, then I would be harming them by trying to make amends. I think that the exception to this would be theft. But a basic thought in making amends is to do no harm.

In making amends, I have had to feel that the time was right. I needed to have some spiritual peace about making the amends. It's not something to rush into just for the need to get it done. Also, I didn't need to be too specific. The people I’ve harmed have a good idea of how I hurt them. There was no reason to hurt them all over again by dredging up the past. I needed to say that I know that I've hurt them. The most important thing I did when making an amend was to shut up and let the other person say what they needed to say. I had to be prepared to hear what they had to say.

The amends process is really about my healing. I hope that it helps the other person to heal but I can't make that happen. But it also isn't about my getting out of a jam--it's about my changing a behavior. I can only do that if I pray.

Helping the other person heal is a secondary gain of the amend. In order to get better, we have to follow up the consequences of our disease in the lives of other people. The Ninth Step is a step of faith-building and faith-developing. I had to go on faith because I didn't know how my amends would be taken with a couple of people. But whether they accept the amends or not, I felt prepared at the time because of being okay with myself and with my HP.

Two years

My wife celebrated two years of sobriety this week. They had a cake for her and cards at her home group meeting. And she received her 2 year bronze chip.

She is doing well and was happy to be two years sober. Life is a lot easier between us because we don't go back over the old agonies of regret that once plagued us. We don't go back into the "what if's" anymore. I believe that both of us can look back now on the years before recovery and see them as a way of life that was chaotic, unhappy, and generally not very livable. But we don't talk of regrets anymore. Maybe those years are just a reminder of what it would be like again if we become careless or complacent.

We both know that we can't undo all those terrible things that were said and done before. We hurt each other under the deluded guise that alcohol created. She pushed and I pulled. We weren't going anywhere with the tug of war of emotions in the relationship. We thought that we loved each other but it wasn't the right kind of love. Now we are beginning to see that "right" love and all kind of other "right" things are available through being in recovery.

We don't talk about the past. It's not a place to dwell. I live for this day and treat those around me with respect and love. I think that will create a good past now and one that I won't regret.

A beacon of light

I arrived in St. Augustine yesterday and went to a social at the lighthouse last night. It is a wonderful lighthouse and has been restored, along with the keeper's house. I climbed the 219 steps to a spectacular view of the surrounding maritime forest, beach and ocean. I watched the spoonbills fly to their rookery over the alligator preserve. And the sailboats at anchor made a nice backdrop.

One of the things that is particularly sad about the lighthouse is that in 1986, the first order Fresnel lens was shattered by bullets from a high powered rifle. According to the docent, a 14 year old boy, high on drugs, took his father's hunting rifle and shot at the light. Bullets shattered nineteen prisms in the historic lens. A grant was obtained eventually to restore the prisms. So as the lighthouse keeper said, the knowledge gained from restoration of the lens has helped others in their restoration of Fresnel lenses.

So with a lot of effort by local preservationists, the old beacon still shines and projects pure white light. I'm glad that the effort was made and that a part of history was preserved.

Crazy scene

Photos from Post and Courier

After posting the photos of the serenity of the island that I live on, I thought that I'd post a few from the annual regatta weekend. Most of those boats are there for the party as the regatta has been called the biggest floating cocktail party in this part of the state.

In the 1970s and '80s, the regatta had evolved into a wild party. Hundreds of boats began showing up every year, rafting together and letting the booze flow. A few folks even died, most jumping off shrimp boats and there were the car crashed that claimed quite a few victims. Unfortunately, this year was no exception as a young man died in a single car wreck after leaving the regatta party and heading to another party. His life is gone and the parents he left behind will no doubt have different memories of this past weekend than before.

Even though I live on the island and about 3 miles from the yacht club, I've never been to the regatta. It just seemed too crazy, too many boats, too much chance of an accident. So I was miles away this weekend, staying on Compass Rose and enjoyed having the entire creek that I anchor in to myself. No late night revelers, no noise--just a stiff breeze and a few cracks of lightening. It was nice to get up early on Sunday morning, go for walk, and pick up shark's teeth that had washed ashore.

I'm off to a meeting in Florida today. Hope to check in later.

This beautiful place

I'm going out on the water this morning. I don't have much of anything on my mind but a lot of gratitude for being alive.

So with that in mind I wanted to share some photos of this beautiful place that I call home. I've put a lot of my photos in my blog since I started but here are some that aren't tied to any theme. They are just my slice of heaven here on earth.

Have a good weekend.

Parents and children

There's been a lot of pain in meetings and in the blogs about having addicted children. At a meeting today, a mother expressed her sorrow and helplessness over having a son who is squandering his life. She said that he came home with clothes all wet and was hallucinating, telling her of the strange things that he was seeing climbing the draperies and floating through the air. She called EMS who came and got him. But there were no beds available at the hospitals so he was released still high and hallucinating.

Her question was what can she do? She wants to help him but feels that she is losing who she is. The group discussed how powerless we are over others. And that losing ourselves in order to try to save someone else who is lost means that two people are then lost.

Perhaps all we can do is love the other person, tell them we love them, and want them to get help. We then take care of ourselves so that we don't lose our health, our spirituality and our minds. If someone is an adult, there isn't much else that can be done. We can offer a lot of prayers for the sick and suffering to seek their HP and have God hold them in his hands. There are a lot of people out there who need those prayers today.