It's a selfish program

"I can see why you are disturbed to hear some A.A. speakers say, "A.A. is a selfish program." The word 'selfish' ordinarily implies that one is acquisitive, demanding, and thoughtless of the welfare of others.

Of course, the A.A. way of life does not at all imply such undesirable traits.

What do these speakers mean? Well, any theologian will tell you that the salvation of his own soul is the highest vocation that a man can have......"

From As Bill Sees It

Before my wife left for her trip, we had a discussion about being selfish. She thought that I was being selfish for leaving her alone as much as I do. I shared about this in the home group meeting last night.

My wife is retired now and is home much of the day. She goes to meetings and has friends over. She also enjoys cooking and gardening. I work during the week and go to 3 meetings a week, two of which occur in the evening. I also row one night a week which means that for at least 3 days a week I don't get home until after 9 PM. And on the weekends I am on the sailboat.

So when looking at the time that I spend away from home, I can see her point. Yet, when I'm at home, she often is busy doing the things that she likes to do but my physical presence seems to be important.

I don't think that my wife is selfish at all now. She has come such a long way since joining AA. And I think that she has a valid point. I have come to enjoy the things that I do. During her drinking years, I felt invisible and in need of attention. I no longer feel that I have to be "around" all the time. And my attitude has improved dramatically. I used to feel angry and found fault easily with others and myself. Now, I feel happy most of the time and have learned to not be so serious or critical of myself or others.

So I am selfish with my time. But that selfishness has helped me to become a better person who is able to deal better with the stresses of living with an alcoholic. I don't pay as much attention to those things that I "should" be doing anymore. The trick for me is to find balance in this state of recovery. I started off on one side of the pendulum swing, doing all this stuff for others and letting my mental well-being and spontaneity slide. And it appears I may have swung all the way over to the other side and started doing things for me.

Her remarks made me see that there is the mid-way mark, that I can still enjoy the things that I like to do but spend more quality time with her. I still seem to be afraid to give up those things that I enjoy (and that she doesn't want to do with me). So I'm not quite there yet but I'm beginning to ask her out for dinner more and take off time from work to be at home. I'm willing to do what I have to do to keep our relationship in balance.

My Higher Power continues to hold me accountable for my emotions and actions. I used to blame my alcoholic for all of my problems, but my growing awareness won't let me. Instead I have to take responsibility for my part.

Maybe we both are grieving the old way of life where I was always available to her at the expense of things that I wanted to do. I used to long for the time that she would realize how valuable I am and treat me accordingly. Now I've realized through the program that I'm much happier with myself and know my value as a person. And my guilt at keeping the focus on myself has diminished considerably. I'm going to continue to work towards balance as we meet on middle ground where we can both be comfortable.

She made it

After a long day, my wife made it to Providence and this morning got a flight to Nantucket. The storm Kyle caused flights to the island to be canceled until this morning. She met up with a friend from graduate school in Providence, and they got a hotel room together. The two of them are spending the week enjoying the New England weather (foggy and light rain from what I understand).

I enjoyed the salad and pizza and started a new book Pack of Two by Caroline Knapp. I got this book because I really liked her book Drinking: A Love Story. I also like this book but having had quite a few dogs, it seems that she is looking to substitute the dog for not having many human relationships. It's as if the dog has become everything to her. I can understand some of this because I prefer my dogs to most people. However, I do think that it's important to understand dog behavior and allow dogs to be....dogs.

But I have to admit that watching my dogs play last night made me feel good. And their happy dog play took away any lonely feelings that I had. And settling down in bed with one of the dogs on her bed next to mine made me feel comfortable.

Today is a good day and tonight is my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to seeing my friends there. Wishing a good Monday to each of you.

A bit lonely

Take care of yourself my darling
And I'll take care of me
Live your loneliness knowing
That we can both be free.
--Mary Lee George

Today has been a bit lonely. I took my wife to the airport this morning. She has had the flight schedule from Hell with one flight cancelled, another delayed, and still another airport to get through. If the rest of the trip goes as anywhere near planned, she will get into Providence tonight around 8 PM. She was supposed to have arrived at 11:20 AM this morning.

After seeing her off, I came home and did some busy work around here. It hasn't been a bad day but one that reminds me how nice it is to have someone here in this big house. I know that I'm okay with feeling a bit lonely. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else or my feeling unloved. It's as if I want to have someone to play with, yet there isn't anyone at the moment. Maybe it's just a break from my usual routine of being on the boat. There isn't much time to feel lonely out there.

Because I got up at 4 AM, I'm going to stay home today and not go to the boat. I'll do that tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm going to bake a pizza and make a salad. There's nothing like some comfort food. I'll wait for her call later this evening with the hope that she has arrived safely.

Buffing

I didn't go out in the boat today but decided to do some maintenance work. After a slow start this morning due to staying up way too late to watch the debate and commentary afterward, I made it down to the boat in the early afternoon.

I used a rubbing compound on the deck that promptly turned brown from the sun. No matter what I tried the deck was a bad burnt sienna color. No chemical compound I had would take it off. So I went to the hardware store and got some Scotch Brite pads and used elbow grease to get rid of the rubbing compound. Read the directions, Syd! Don't apply rubbing compound in hot sun.

While I was elbow greasing the deck, I thought about the conversation I had this morning with my wife. She is leaving tomorrow for a trip out of town. I hate to see her go. But it's her turn to go away for a bit and enjoy some cooler weather in Nantucket. I'm staying behind with the dogs and cats.

We talked about how she needs a break from being around the house. She has enjoyed retirement, but I know that somedays she gets bored. We talked about how we used to have people over but now that she is sober, there haven't been any parties here. We have some friends from our respective fellowships over for dinner once in a while. She asked why we tried to make everything so nice if it was just us. I found this question to be profoundly sad. And the only answer I had was that it's for our enjoyment and not to display for anyone else. She said, "Oh, I understand now." I love her dearly and hope that she knows that it's not the parties that matter but that the two of us enjoy what our surroundings are.

I'm going to miss her. But I know that she'll be back and that's what matters.

Bailouts and debates

I spent a great night at home, got up early and went back in the field for a rainy day. Tonight, I'm back home and am glued to the news.

I have to admit that one of the boring things about me is that I am a news freak. And tonight I'm playing catch up on what has been going on this week. More bad news on Wall Street, more people wondering what is going on, and maybe more people waking up and taking an interest in the state of the nation.

I'll be tuned in to the debate tonight. I want to see what each candidate has to say. I want to make an informed decision. Tonight I don't feel powerless but empowered to watch and listen to what candidates for the presidency of this nation have to say. I hope that I won't be disappointed because I do have some expectations.

A blustery day

Today was blustery and cold on the water. My hands were tingling from the cold and wet. I took a hot shower as soon as we got back to clear off the mud and damp. We got all the sampling done for today. Yesterday, we lost the dredge which was a bummer. We dragged for it for about 2 hours to no avail.

I think that I'm going to go home to spend the night tonight and come back early in the morning. I miss my home and the critters. Most of all I miss being with my loved one. I'm entirely too used to reaching over in the night and hugging on her. Sleeping in a single bed at the field station just doesn't cut it. So what if I have to get up at o'dark thirty? It won't matter because I'll be sleeping in my own bed spooning with a warm lovely body. I think that's worth the drive.

To my sponsor

Dear B.,
I've noticed lately that you have been having a hard time. Life has thrown some things your way that were unexpected. You have given a lot of yourself to others, but I have sensed that perhaps not all have appreciated how much that you do.

Your kids have been a source of enjoyment and sadness for you. You've talked about that. I know that you've always wanted the best for them. But they are grown up now. They make their own decisions. You've told me that I need to get out of the way of others and allow them the dignity to fail. It was good advice. I see how trying to control others, wanting them to do what I wanted was just my ego and character defects in control. I was shutting out my HP by trying to be the Higher Power of another. That went over like a ton of bricks.

I want to let you know that you have been an inspiration for me. I've listened and learned. It's been a legacy that was passed down from several generations of Al-Anon sponsors. It's a long lineage of love and strength. Thanks for sharing that. I've absorbed it and want to let you know that I'm here for you just in the way that you've been there for me. That's what I've learned about this program. We don't refuse another.

Just wanted to let you know that I've got your back.
Syd

Some unremarkable facts

I'm not sure who tagged me but I think that it was Kathy Lynne. Anyway, I'm posting some unremarkable things about me. These are things that make me so unremarkable that they might be considered extraordinary.

1. I enjoy reading and usually have 2-3 different books that I'm reading. I have had a run recently on sailing books, especially those of single handed sailing around the world. But I'm also listening to an audio book on Tudor England. Go figure.
2. I drive a BMW that is a secret hotrod. It is a five speed and I like to wind up the rpm's as I go through the gears. I took auto mechanics but what I learned didn't apply to BMW's.
3. I like to watch the news and movies. I could care less about reality TV. I've never watched Survivor.
   
4. I have several dogs whose company I enjoy more than that of most people.
5. I can't think of many foods that I don't like, although I'm not particularly fond of chocolate.
   
6. I've been married to the same person for a number of years, and there is no secret to longevity in marriage. It's about patience, compromise, misery, happiness, respect and love all rolled together.
   

I've been out on the water all day again. I'm tired and am going to try to sleep better tonight than I did last night. I think that bouncing in the boat did a number on my lower back. But I'm still happy as a clam to be on the water. A few ibuprofen and I'll be A-okay. Have a good evening.

How I spent today

Well, I spent it playing in the mud. Actually, it was more like running mud through my fingers, sieving the mud, and then looking for critters that aren't supposed to be in this area of the coast. It was a good day on the water handling all types of gear like trawls, plankton nets, and dredges (shown below).

There's really nothing like being out on the water working. I stay in my office a lot more than I like most of the time, so it's a real treat to be able to get paid to do something that I love to do, be on a boat.

We found four invasive invertebrate species today. The neatest find of the day came from an abandoned crab pot that was encrusted with a number of species. There were hundreds of an invasive isopod (a member of the crustacean group). And inside the trap were several large stone crabs that had legal sized claws. We had stone crab claws tonight as an appetizer for dinner cooked at the field station.

That's what drew me to this work: the thrill of finding the unexpected. And tomorrow is another day of unexpected things, just like in life in general.

The Beach

We got back from our long weekend this afternoon. Our time together with the dogs was a lot of fun. They definitely enjoyed the beach. We went for long walks and then would come back and jump in the 100 F spa that was right outside our room. The air temperature was perfect so it felt good to get heated up in the spa water and then get out in the cool air.

I had every intention of using the lap top that I brought, but it seems that every evening we were doing something, including checking the news for the latest financial crisis. We finally decided that we had enough of it and that our saturation point had been reached.

We did go to a really good AA meeting. We got directions off the internet and found our way to the club house which was nice. We were greeted kindly and got to hear some old-fashioned AA by a speaker who was celebrating 47 years of sobriety. I don't think that there were many dry eyes when he mentioned his wife who is suffering from Altzheimer's and to whom he has been married for 59 years. He said that he had to get home to his beautiful bride who was waiting for him at home. He credited her with a belief in him and said that she had been in Al-Anon for years and his children had been in Al-Ateen.

There were a lot of old timers there. Another fellow was also celebrating 40 years of sobriety. Lots of old-time AA and strong singleness of purpose. We were both glad that we attended. My wife said that it was the best meeting she had gone to in a long time.

I'm sampling for invasive species for the rest of the week so my schedule is going to be erratic. I hope to have time to check in but I'm not even sure whether I'll have wireless where I'm going.
At least the work on the water will be pleasant with the cooler temperatures. Have a good week.

Cooling down

"The Indian Summer, the dead Summer's soul."
- Mary Clemmer, Presence

This morning is the first clear indication that fall is on the way. The temperatures are in the upper 60's and the high today will be around 80 F. That trend will continue through the weekend with a brisk NE wind.

It just has that fall feeling in the air too. The shadows are longer and the days shorter. I'm going out of town for a few days and am glad that the weather is conducive for being outside. I'm going to do a lot of walking, reading and sleeping. It's just a mini-holiday but that's fine with me.

I've printed out the schedule for meetings in the area, and there are a few where there's an Al-Anon and AA meeting in the same building at the same time.Those will be convenient for us to go to. And I'm taking my laptop with me so I'll be able to keep up with all of you.

Here's what I'm grateful for today:

• A few days of pleasant temperatures after a week of heat and humidity
• Heading out of town for some play time and being able to take the dogs with us
• That I'm focusing on the things that I can change (me) and accepting that there are very few things that I have any control over or power to change
• That my Higher Power is showing me that things don't always have to go my way, yet I can still be happy and content.
  
• That there are people who are willing to help me out when I tell them that I'm in trouble.
  

Back on track

I inventoried the things that were making me feel anxious. And basically a part of it is fear of uncertainty and the other part is my fear of confrontations. I know that these are uncertain times and that there is nothing that I can do about changing that. I have accepted uncertainty and the fact that I don't have a solution.

What I do have is some clear direction for this day. I know that I'm going to be rowing with the team tonight. I know that I have a work meeting this morning. I know that I have reports to work on. Those are the things that are certain about this day. I'll stick to those things that I know rather than try to understand or clarify processes that are unfathomable.

And with regard to confrontations, I decided that asking more questions and getting clarification in dealing with businesses and people is something that I can do. It doesn't mean that there is a confrontation, but that I have a clear understanding of situations in order to make an informed decision. I can disagree respectfully with someone and take care of myself without having an argument.

So today is a new day. I'm glad that I went to the meeting last night and that there are interesting things to do today. Anxiety is a state of mind that can be acknowledged, inventoried and let go.

"If you have a problem and you can do something about it, there is no need to get anxious about it because you can actively do something to solve it. On the other hand, if there is nothing you can do to solve it, getting anxious about it is useless -- it won't fix the problem. So either way you look at it, whether the problem is solvable or unsolvable, there is no sense in getting anxious or upset about it. Try thinking like that about one of your problems. Just sit for a minute and think, "Is there something I can do about this or not?" from Shantideva

On the edge

I have felt on edge recently. A lot of my edginess started with hurricane prep around here. I worked in a cave while the shutters were up. That started the edginess.

There was the hype about Hannah and then there was the reality of Ike. I watched the news coming in from a station in Texas like I was transfixed. It felt like watching a train wreck--I wanted to look away but couldn't.

Then there is my edginess over the political process and the bad economic news that keeps coming in waves: Freddy Mac, Fannie May, banks folding, jobs folding, the market dropping, gas prices rising, etc. It's like another train wreck, only it's one that I see about to happen with no way to stop it.

There's talk and more talk about candidates. I know how I'm voting, and I know what the issues are that I care about. This election has me on edge though because there seems to be a great deal at stake. And I'm not convinced that the majority of the people who are of voting age understand how important this election is. Or that they care enough to make up their own mind by being informed.

And I've been on edge over some unfinished business with some people in my life. My wife had a bad day yesterday. She told me that she was having a bad day. I told her that I loved her which was all I could do. And someone in my home group broke my wife's anonymity but is unaware that this is a serious thing. I'm hoping that discussions on anonymity and gossip last night may have gotten through.

I've got a meeting tonight. And I've read Steve's message today on Serenity. (Thanks Steve). I've asked God to walk with me this day. This feeling of edginess will pass. It's a bump in the road that reminds me to get my focus back on myself and to accept the things I cannot change.

Obstacles

It's a Monday and that usually means getting a mind adjustment for going back to work. Instead, I was greeted with a car that wouldn't start which meant another trip to the dealership to determine why, with a new battery, there is still something (a short, a bad alternator???) draining the battery. It wasn't exactly how I had planned to start the day. But somedays you just have to roll with the punches.

I'm glad that all the blogger friends in Texas withstood Ike. I don't think that my colleagues at the Galveston Laboratory are doing well at all. They probably lost not only their homes but the lab is likely devastated. I haven't heard any news on that yet. The Houston and Galveston areas look really bad. Recovery from damage like this takes time and a toll on people after a while. And it's made worse by no electricity.

Living without electricity in the South means hot, humid days and lots of mold. We managed to survive 23 days with a generator that ran the well pump and kept the freezer and refrigerator going. I have become a creature who like air conditioning, especially when it's near 90 F and about 80% humidity.

These are obstacles that can break serenity. Yet, in spite of all the problems, buildings can be rebuilt, the electricity will be back on, and life goes on. Like my father used to say, "Get back on the horse after a fall".

At tonight's meeting, I'm going to chair and have as a topic the 3 obstacles to success in Al-Anon:

1. DISCUSSIONS OF RELIGION

Al-Anon is not allied with any sect or denomination. It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion. Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none. We defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious tenets.

2. GOSSIP

We meet to help ourselves and others to learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy. In such groups gossip can have no part. We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic; our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together.

3. DOMINANCE

Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve. No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority or give advice. Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, rotation of leadership. We progress in our own way and pace. Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have disastrous consequences for group harmony. The key thing to remember is that we all are equal in Al-Anon. The newcomer has as much a say as the old timer.

When we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. No need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. We cannot take more than one step at a time. Orison Swett Marden

How about some quack?

You gotta love these stories. I just read that people calling a federal phone number to order duck stamps are instead greeted by a phone-sex line, due to a printing error the government says would be too expensive to correct.

It was just a simple case of transposed letters in which the correct number is 1-800-STAMP24, while the incorrect number spells out 1-800-TRAMP24. People calling that second number are welcomed by "Intimate Connections" and enticed by a husky female voice to "talk only to the girls that turn you on," for $1.99 a minute.

This year's stamps, which feature a pair of northern pintail ducks, went on sale July 1 and are good through June 30 of next year. The error will not be corrected until next year's duck stamps.

The stamps are administered by the Fish and Wildlife Service where a spokesperson said that it would cost too much money to reprint the correct information. The agency hasn't received any complaints about the typographical error. I guess not.....they are too busy listening to heavy breathing rather than quacks.

Expectations

A comment on my last post was about expectations and that having low expectations seemed like a surprisingly negative way to think. I have learned that an expectation is nothing more than a resentment in the making. What that means is if I expect someone to behave a certain way and they don't, then I become resentful.

The only one I can have expectations of is myself because I am the only one I can control. I can have *hope* of certain things, but I cannot expect. I can hope my alcoholic doesn't drink today, but I can't expect her not to. I had to learn to accept life on life's terms, not on mine. The only way I found to do that was to put my trust in my Higher Power.

"Hope comes in the words of the Second Step. My Higher Power can restore to me what I once believed to be irrevocably lost--my sanity and serenity. I am not promised that my loved ones will find sobriety." Hope for Today

So to me, this isn't negative thinking but thinking that provides me with peace and comfort, knowing that I can't control outcomes. I hope for the best, but I keep my expectations where they need to be--on me and not on another.

"Expectations can cause havoc in our daily living. We all have a basic right to be treated with dignity and respect, but that doesn't mean life will always go our way. The twists and turns of life often carry us up rivers of disappointment to shores we never chose to visit.

Facing life as fully involved travelers, without expectations about outcomes, is perhaps the brightest way to travel. Making plans without setting up for certain outcomes makes us flexible people who learn to go with the flow. It has been said that there is a direct proportion between our level of expectation and the amount of stress we have in our lives. Trusting the results to a larger plan allows us to relax and enjoy the adventure of the journey.

As we grow closer to our Higher Power, we find we can let go. We are more peaceful and confident, less frantic and controlling. Trusting that our Higher Power will protect us, no matter what we encounter on our journey, helps us face the future with a calm and loving heart." Courage to Change

On another note, I've been watching the Houston news station carried on DirecTV during the night and this morning. I'm glad that many people made it through the storm. Dave and Scott are okay. Hopefully, Pam is as well.

I'm off to the boat for the weekend.

Uncertainty and resilience

My thoughts are with blogger friends and colleagues who are under the gun of the massive storm heading their way. It's a time of great uncertainty.

There are times like these when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go next. And there's the fear of losing what material things that we have. It's hard to imagine that life is peaceful one day and the next there is the potential for destruction of those things that we hold dear.

So I'm keeping all those in the path of this storm in my thoughts. I hope that they will do what is necessary to keep themselves safe.

"Well if we can't plan for it, and we can't let it distract us 24 hours a day every day, what can we do?

Beats me, is mostly my response.

But I have fallen deeply in love with a word that may be of use ... Resilience.

To deal with the absurdly unlikely, we can find resilient people ......... to be more or less able to respond to a knockout blow—right out of left field." Tom Peters

Opinions

You've heard the old adage that "Opinions are like a_holes, everybody has one". But what about those opinions that we form before we have adequate information. I'm talking preconceptions here.

I've done it before--judged a book by its cover, formed an opinion before I knew the facts. And with alcoholism, I've had preconceived notions about what the alcoholic will do or what will happen in a particular situation. It's almost a Pavlovian response. If you experience enough chaos, disappointment, and let downs, then you come to believe that's all you'll ever get.

I suppose it's only natural to think that if 99% of the time you've had a bad experience around the alcoholic, then it's highly probable that bad experience will occur again. But sometimes you are pleasantly surprised.

For me, I've learned not to have high expectations of people in general. It's best if I just let myself be surprised when the 1% shows itself to be good. Fortunately, these days I find life with my alcoholic to be good most of the time. But I still have those preconceptions that nag at me. I have evidence that I could be let down at any time. So I keep my expectations low, mind my own business and generally follow my "gut" when it comes to feelings. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might just be a duck.

Aching back

I've been having some back problems for the past couple of weeks. Actually, I've had lower back problems as a result of recently diagnosed scoliosis for about a year. But the recent flare up has included pressure on the sciatic nerve. So I feel some discomfort much of the time, especially if I sit for any length of time. If I'm walking or standing or lying down, I seem to be able to "work" through the pain.

Anyway, I decided that I needed to go to the chiropractor today. He did his routine, zapped my lower back with some electricity, added some heat, and I felt really good. I don't think I've been as diligent with going to him as I need to be. So I'm going to start taking better care of myself and get addicted to his kind of crack--the one that helps my spine.

While waiting in the office, I was listening to the news. Today's political sound bites involved "pigs with lipstick" with some mud wallowing going on, "lewd and crude" about the oil company and Dept. of Interior scandal, and more talk about family values, and "he said/she said" political mud slinging. I'm fed up with the whole political system. And I'm wondering what and who defines "family values". Let me know when you have the answer to that.

About the only thing worthwhile that got my attention was Hurricane Ike's cone of uncertainty becoming more of a laser beam aiming at Texas. I hope the blogger friends in Houston will be okay. Thinking of you all along the Texas coast.

Tomorrow is another day. Thank you God for this one and for helping me get through it with a sense of humor.

Forgiving ourselves

The topic at last night's meeting was how to make amends to ourselves. Not unlike the alcoholic, I came into Al-Anon with a lot of baggage. I was unhappy, emotionally bankrupt, and fed up with so many things, most of all the alcoholic. I was ready to leave my marriage.

Gradually, in baby steps, I began to see that instead of blaming my problems on alcoholism, I needed to look at what I was doing. So by turning the magnifying glass on myself and working the steps of the program, I came to realize that I needed to acknowledge my own role in things. It would have been easy to get stuck in my own self-flagellation about what a bad person I am and how selfish and dishonest I had been in the marriage.

Instead, I learned that for all those character defects that I had, I had a lot of positive assets as well. I also learned that by talking to my sponsor and to my Higher Power, I could share those things that had been rotting my soul. It was a major step towards forgiving myself and letting go of the past.

So through the program, I've come to realize that the things I've done are human things, and that beating myself up over the past keeps me stuck in self-pity. I've learned that my Higher Power isn't vengeful but understanding. And that if I trust, have willingness, faith and humility, then I can move forward to the present and leave the baggage of the past behind. That's how I learned to make amends to myself.

Attitudes like our dogs

It turned out to be a nice weekend here. After Friday's threat of a tropical storm, there was only some rain and gusty winds. After that, the sun came out, the winds dropped, and the temperatures rose. It was hot, like the dog days of August are still hanging on.

Instead of being on the boat, I took the dogs to dog park on Saturday evening, for a walk on the beach on Sunday morning, watched a couple of movies on DVD, and went to a birthday party on Sunday evening. It was all good.

It's interesting to meet people on the beach and at dog park who I know through their dogs. I may not know the person's name but I know the dogs. Everyone stops to talk and admire each others dogs. And the dogs seem to recognize their friends. There's a lot of tail wagging and comraderie.

It's not hard to wish that everyone had their dog's attitude: No hidden agendas; no offense taken if another dog invades your space to sniff a butt; great enjoyment of the simple pleasures in life, like a mud puddle or the breeze on your face; no loneliness because there's always something interesting to do; and no thoughts of tomorrow, just the moment and the pure pleasure of living in it.

I think that living the life of a much loved dog is a pretty good life. It's definitely something to admire--wag a tail,get stroked, get a treat, greet friends, and take a nap. I can identify with those things.

And I don't think it's an accident that DOG spelled backwards is GOD.

Hurricanes and office closings

You probably thought that evacuation meant to leave the premises during crisis (or maybe you thought that it meant getting rid of yesterday's lunch). But here are newly declared Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings:

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.

Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.

Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.

Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.

Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Who says that government employees aren't giving their all?

I'm thankful that Hannah was just a gusty wind with some needed rain. I am hoping that Ike becomes a fish slapper and nothing more. I'm off to do some different Saturday things since Compass Rose is high and dry. Hope that you have a good Saturday with lots of sunshine.

Boarded up

The hurricane shutters went up yesterday afternoon at the research institute. They are metal shutters that go up along the harbor side of the building. Every day for all these years I've looked out my window to see boats going by, rainbows, sunsets, the bridge, the city, birds, and otters playing in the marsh. I've appreciated that view but never to the extent that I realized until it was blocked by the metal shutters.

It's odd how I have become used to looking out those big windows and taken for granted that view would always be there. Even though it's only temporary, not having the light come through the windows makes it feel gloomy. So today I think that I'm going to print out a few photos of the harbor and paste them on the window. I may not have a panorama but at least symbolically I'll have a few 9 x 12 reminders of what I usually see.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Having a room with a view for so many years
• Hannah being just a strong gust of wind rather than a big bag of wind
• Getting a good night's sleep without any worries
• Small kindnesses that come along without any clues as to why
• Loving life and living with love
  

Sometimes when you least expect it...

Sometimes when you least expect it, you get a break. After all the frenzy of yesterday, I'm relieved that I have a safe place for my boat and that currently TS Hannah isn't forecast to be as bad as originally thought. Even on its course for NC, it doesn't appear to be more than a Category 1 storm. I'm hoping that's the case.

I had a feeling of disquietude much of yesterday. Perhaps it was having too much to do in too short a period of time, but I think that it also related to not wanting to make a lot of decisions. I simply didn't want to have my routine disrupted.

I’m not exactly a totally routine-driven person, but I have found that I like to set my own routine and not have it set by forces that are out of my....CONTROL. Yep, I think that the old control meter was probably out of whack yesterday. So maybe what has happened is that I've gotten settled into a routine in my head and program.

I've come a long way from the early painful struggles about detachment. I've enjoyed many of the benefits of recovery. I attend meetings and know the ideas of Al-Anon. And all this looks really good on the outside, but maybe my spirit has gone a little flat as of late. Maybe I've talked myself into thinking that I'm doing better than I actually am.

I've read that when the inside feeling does not match our outside appearance, we need to become vulnerable again. Every now and then, it's good to look at things with total humility and really remember that regardless of how well I can talk the talk or want to look and sound good, there are moments when I'm not being genuine with my feelings.

I think that I need to step back, think about all the good things in my life, be grateful for them, and acknowledge those things that are still painful. In short, I need to get back to being genuine with myself and my HP. I need to remember that this is a program of life and that I simply need to get in touch with my feelings and be open to all the possibilities without trying to control the outcome. It's like getting back to feeling the program from within and being honest with myself. I think that maybe if I let God do the worrying, I'll feel a lot better.

Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.
--Richard Lannelli

A long day

It's been a long day here. I worked, got the boat out of the water, went rowing and finally got home at a little past 10 PM. Getting the mast down was difficult and took about all the strength that we had. Even then, it came crashing down at the last and my friend managed to move the mast "stepper" under it before it hit the boat's transom. It was a serenity breaker for a moment or two.

It looks for now that my neck of the woods is going to be spared from Hannah. But not hitting here means that it will likely go into NC so I wish everyone there well. I stayed through Hurricane Hugo, and it was a bad time. There was no electricity for 23 days. I'm not a fan of hurricanes because they cause a lot of misery, not to mention loss of life.

I'm still going to make preparations here at home. It never hurts to have things together just in case the power goes out for an extended period. I have a generator now which at least keeps the refrigerator, freezer, and well pump running.

I really feel as if I need a meeting. I've missed my regular ones this week. But tonight was a beautiful night with just a hint of fall. It felt good to be rowing on such a beautiful evening. Even without a meeting, I found my serenity at the end of the day. So I'm going to do my daily readings now, be thankful that I got some things accomplished today, and hope that tomorrow brings fair weather for all.

Hurricane season

It was a great long weekend. I spent most of the time on the boat and sailing. We stayed at the anchorage on Sunday night. There were big swells coming in on the incoming tide. It made for an uncomfortable couple of hours. After that, all was calm and we were able to get some sleep.

There were the usual party boats with some pretty heavy drinking. Quite a few people were funneling. I guess this is a quick way to binge drink. I'm not sure why one would want to drink like this.

I helped push a few boats off the beach so that they could get underway. One was driven by an older gentleman. He said that he was the "taxi" for a group of young people who had been partying very hard. The sheriff's patrol actually came ashore and checked on one of the fellows who was passed out. He managed to rally though after one of his friends put popcorn on his back. That drew a flock of seagulls who proceeded to pick the popcorn off him. I guess he had enough of that, staggered to his feet, fell down, and then made it haltingly to the boat. My guess is that the older fellow driving the boat was a father to one of the girls on board. He seemed to take it all in stride. I wonder at the choices that parents have to make today about their kids and drinking. And I wonder who was going to make sure none of these kids got behind the wheel of a car. These are interesting times in many ways.

After I checked the news and weather, I was relieved to see that the levees held. Parts of New Orleans were a mess though. And now it appears that Hurricane Hannah is heading this way. I'm probably going to get the sailboat out of the water tomorrow.

There is a high probability that the hurricane will hit near where we live. At least, that's what the models seem to be forecasting. There is already a frenzy at work today. Getting things prepared by Friday at home and work means I'd better get going. Hope to check in later.

“Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Labor Day

My thoughts are with the residents of the Gulf Coast as Hurricane Gustav heads their way. I know that evacuating and preparing for a hurricane aren't the way that many planned to spend their Labor Day. May God bless and keep each and every one of you.