Ghoulish things

Dog Halloween costumes are a riot. This little guy doesn't look too happy but he sure does make me laugh. I decided to be conservative in my dress this year, so I'm not going to dress up tonight in my usual costume (see below).

Instead, we are going to go to our respective meetings (imagine showing up in the costume above) and then go to the Haunted Trail of Terror at a four-acre complex near town. A friend of mine is one of the members of the "Boo Crew", and it's supposed to be a pretty scary thing.

I haven't done anything on Halloween for many years. We live so far out in the country that no kids come by. But this year, the lighted pumpkin is in the window and there are other pumpkins, spiders and funny spooky things up in the house. We decided to be kids at heart and enjoy this Halloween even without the trick or treaters . And that's why we're going to go be scared out of our wits on the Trail of Terror. I just hope that I don't dream about wearing a pizza box.....

Have a Happy Halloween everyone.

Transforming my loss

At the noon meeting, we talked about losses. Some of us shared about losing loved ones to the disease. I shared about losing myself. It has taken me a lot of years to recognize that I am still grieving the loss of innocence that I had as a child and the loss of love that I experienced in my marriage.

The sadness, anxiety, anger, and emotional confusion that I experienced as a child were extended into my marriage to an alcoholic. I had a lot of expectations of others that never were met. I wanted closeness with my father who loved me but was emotionally distant. I wanted romance and the story-book stuff that I thought came with marriage. I didn't get any of those things.

After coming into Al-Alon, I came to realize that my expectations of other people were killing me. These expectations had been the reason that I felt sadness and grief for much of my life. I always wanted my father to be the warm supportive dad to me. And I wanted my wife to be the loving, happy and exciting bride. What this got me was a lot of anxiety over someone else's drinking. I came to feel lonely all the time because I didn't think that anyone would love me. And I really didn't know how to give love without manipulation and control.

Through the program, I've transformed my feeling of loss into a way that I can live my life in peace. The keys to my transformation were acceptance and surrender. I have come to accept that I can't make anyone over to be the way that I want them to be. I simply accept them for who they are and make a decision as to whether I want to be around them or not. I've come to realize that the real love comes from within me and from my Higher Power.

I still have those dark days when I forget that I can't change anyone else. I get lost in the expectations of what I want. I forget that I have to take what I like and leave the rest. Fortunately, the dark days don't happen often. And when they do, I know that there are resources I have from the program to help me get through to the light.

Step Ten

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is my favorite step. I like it because it incorporates all that I've put into action through the previous nine steps. But most of all, it means that it's okay for me to recognize and admit my mistakes promptly and then move on.

Step 10 means that I take my own inventory and not someone else's. I've had a lot of opportunities to take the alcoholic's inventory. But that isn't what this is about. And this step isn't about my being right. It's about my having the humility to acknowledge that I make mistakes and that I need to look at my motives and my deeds.

When I first did this step with my sponsor, I was asked to have a checklist of a daily inventory for things to watch for. These included some of my big character defects: self-pity, resentment, negative thinking, self-condemnation, dishonesty. This checklist at the end of the day helped me to be aware of my actions.

Eventually, I no longer had a check off sheet on paper but would go over at the end of the day the part that I played---whether I made conscious choices about my behavior or whether I was just reacting to what others wanted from me or what I thought would make them like me.

Now I find that whenever I feel uncomfortable at any time during the day, it's time to take my inventory. If I'm sad, then I look at why that may be. Is it because I am fearful about something? I have to be honest with myself and not rationalize my actions, and then I have to either make an apology or change my behavior. I do this by being aware, accepting what I have done, and then taking action to remedy the situation.

My sponsor has told me that promptly admitting my wrongs means to act within 48 hours--not a week or a year--but within a time frame that allows me to calm down and get some perspective. If I'm really angry about something, I need some time to see my part in the situation and then I can make a sincere apology, rather than one that feels like I'm eating crow.

It's important in this step for me to pray for willingness to see the viewpoints of others. I keep a journal and write in this blog about things that bother me. And I can also give the situation up to my Higher Power. That sometimes is the only thing that keeps me from going round and round in my head over something that I can't seem to resolve on my own.

I can remember wanting to have a "discussion" with the alcoholic when she was drinking. I know now that I was trying to pick a fight. I would do everything that I could to thrust my character defects onto the other person because I didn't want them within me. That was a bad plan and I've learned that it's better to keep my mouth shut. I don't need to apologize for something that I didn't do (I did a lot of that), nor do I need to respond to the moods or actions of another when it's none of my business. If it's not my job to fix something, then the best thing that I can do is to just let it go.

"[ Step 10 has ] helped me come to grips with the knowledge that being right is not good enough. Right facts with a wrong attitude is wrong. It's not really so much an issue of wrong vs. right as it is fear vs. love. When I'm acting out of love, you can say anything, and it's okay with me. When I'm acting out of fear, I argue. I have to prove I'm right." from How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics , © Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 1995, page 298.

Aches and pains

I went to get a few x-rays of my right knee this morning. I've had some problems with it over the past several months. It "catches" at certain times and then I have to hobble around. The doctor thinks that there might be a piece of loose cartilage roaming around and that I may have OCD. And that's not obsessive-compulsive disorder either, although I have thought that I've had that at some times in my life too.

So when I went to get the x-rays, the technician asked me to hold a plate behind my knees so that they could get a good shot of the patellas. I complied but was wincing in pain because my rotator cuff on my right shoulder is inflamed or irritated or is doing what rotator cuffs do when they have been traumatized. Thankfully, it isn't torn as I can still move my arm. It hurts the most at night when I am lying down which is a bummer since the discomfort wakes me up a lot during the night.

And then there is the tendonitis in my elbow and the pain in my lower back issue and the muscular inflammation that presses on the sciatic nerve. Fortunately, that's not flaring up right now but is cutting me some slack.

I think that just about takes care of all my aches and pains at the moment. I have medication to take which I don't because it completely makes me comatose. I take a couple of ibuprofen every other day. I just don't like taking drugs. And maybe I'm in denial to these aches and pains.

What I dislike the most is not being able to do all those things that I used to do without hurting. I've had to cut back on my rowing due to the rotator cuff. And hauling in the sheets on the sailboat doesn't do much good for the tendonitis. Yet, I keep doing these things. It's gotta be denial.

I like the advice my doctor gave me. If you get a sharp pain that prevents you from moving a body part in its usual range of motion, that's not good. And be vigilant with body parts you've injured before. And if a body part looks deformed, you definitely need medical help. Say what???

Spiritual malady

I've been wanting to comment on this for a while. If you've been going to meetings for a while, yet you still feel unrest and unsettled, maybe there is something else that could be done to remedy the situation.

It's not the external things that are unmanageable, although at times they can cause a lot of heartache. It's the inward unmanageability that made me miserable for so long. For me, I felt discontent, out of sorts with myself and others, and generally unhappy. With my disease of thinking, I had to get at the root of those issues that had affected me my entire life. I had to understand what the pain was within me.

For the alcoholic, it is clearly spelled out in the Big Book that a spiritual malady has symptoms like:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented,
   
2. having trouble with personal relationships,
3. not being able to control our emotional natures,
4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
6. having feelings of uselessness,
7. being full of fear,
8. unhappiness,
9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
12. self-will run riot (page 62),
13. leading a double life (page 73),
14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These symptoms of unmanageablity were prevalent in my life when I first came to Al-Anon and continued until I took actions to work at removing them. These actions were:

• Getting a sponsor
• Following the guidance of my sponsor
• Talking to my sponsor on a daily basis
• Working the steps with my sponsor
• Being of service to others
• Continuing to take personal inventory daily
• Using prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God daily
  

I don't know why there are those in the program who think that only going to meetings is going to solve the spiritual malady. It certainly helps to go to meetings, but unless there is recognition of powerlessness, the need to seek a Power Greater than myself, and being of service to others, I would not be getting the full promise of the program.

I hear people in meetings say that they have been coming for years to Al-Anon and yet, they don't have a sponsor, don't use a sponsor, don't work the steps, and wonder why they feel miserable. This program has so much to offer, if I choose to work it. I may know that I'm powerless but that's just the first step. There are Twelve Steps, not just one.

In working the steps, I learn to trust and accept what I hear in my interactions with other people in the group. I awaken spiritually to parts of me that have been blocked by my character defects. And I continue to grow spiritually through service to others.

So if I'm to benefit from all that Al-Anon has to offer and want the promises to come true in my life, then I need to work the complete program of recovery.

The Call

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says:

Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are

and let this knowing take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are

and let a deeper knowing colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go.

What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen, no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?

Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles.

All this trying. Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,

faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close, dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.

When it finds you, give your life to it.

Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.

Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from 'The Call', Harper Collins, 2003

Something to think about on this Sunday. I never wanted to be one that was walking asleep. But I'm glad to be able to come home and rest. My heart and soul are at rest. It's a good feeling.

office humor

I'm sure that some of you can appreciate these cartoons. I especially like the last one. It typifies some of the thoughts that run through my head after a week of meetings. I think that there would be entirely different thoughts in my head if I had been to a week of Al-Anon meetings. But the work meetings give me a great opportunity to practice the program: "practice these principles in all our affairs".

I got home last night after driving through pouring rain. There were a lot of accidents. I don't think that I've ever driven for 5 hours straight through so much rain. It was nice to be back home, sleeping in a familiar bed and next to the one that I love.

Today I'm going out on the sailboat. Time for some meditation and quiet. It's stopped raining, and it's a nice cool day. Maybe we'll even burn a fire log tonight on the beach.

Enjoy your Saturday.

Road trip

I did the five hour drive to Atlanta and enjoyed it because I had my IPod playing the Big Book study with Joe and Charlie. If you've never listened to their "seminar", they are worth listening to.

The seminars that I downloaded start at the Doctors Opinion and move through the Big Book to the final words of the chapter, A Vision for You: "We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then." (Page 164).

I especially enjoyed their explanation of completing the Fourth Step inventory. Their discussion on resentment and fear was especially good for me. I think that every time I listen to these guys I get something else out of what they share. The "fear" prayer gives me something to think about: "We ask God to remove the fear that ........plug in the specific fears one at a time here.............and direct my attention to what you would have me be."

I look forward to listening to more Big Book Study on the way home.

Running

I got back from my meeting with only a slight delay in the flight. I read a good book on this trip called The Lost Years. It's a book about addiction and alcoholism from the viewpoint of a mother and her daughter, who was addicted and living on the streets for several years. The daughter suffered terrible things for the sake of drugs. It's probably one of the most riveting books that I've read. It is written as a dual narrative with the mother sharing her feelings about the extent that she was willing to go to get her daughter back, until she learned to look to her own recovery. Eventually, tough love, intervention and rehabilitation brought the family back together. I recommend this book because it includes a lot of good recovery for the addict and the parent.

I only have this night at home before I'm heading to Atlanta for another meeting. I feel as if I'm running and about to catch myself. I plan to drive back from Atlanta on Friday and spend a quiet weekend on the boat. I need some time away from the meeting crowd, airports, and rushing to get no where.

And I want to get back to my regular meeting schedule as soon as I can. Next week will be a relatively "normal" schedule for me. No more running, just office work, Al-Anon meetings, and time at home. Sounds good to me.

Until I have time to catch up with your posts.....take it easy.

Unacceptable behavior

I got a good night's sleep and am enjoying the cool morning here. I'm staying at a hotel right on the beach. I hope to get out for a walk later today. And later tonight I want to find some seafood, preferably steamers, to eat. I miss eating those tasty mollusks.

I talked to my sponsor and the topic for my home group meeting last night was dealing with unacceptable behavior. I'm sorry that I missed it because it is a topic that I struggle with often. My meter for unacceptable behavior can have a wide range. I'm dealing with an alcoholic in recovery so drunken acting out isn't an issue. But angry outbursts and self-centeredness still occur. I can usually shrug off unacceptable behavior in the people that I love, but there are times when I simply buy into what's going on and build a resentment. And eventually that resentment leads to anger.

I have learned to inventory my feelings. And I know that I am powerless over others. But when unacceptable behavior occurs, I don't think that I need to always ignore it. Sometimes it doesn't warrant ignoring.

I have boundaries and when those get crossed, then it's time for me to detach from the other person. And as I do, I realize that wanting another to be reasonable, wanting another to see my view, or to make amends is not something that I can control. As long as I take care of myself and keep my boundaries intact, then I can deal with unacceptable behavior in a manageable way.

Out of town

I left to go to a meeting up north today. Unfortunately, I didn't want to go. It seems that I've been really busy this past week and now comes an out of town trip for most of this week, followed by another trip at the end of the week. I would rather be home. Simple as that.

I've been carrying a bit of a resentment around about something that happened over the weekend. Sometimes I feel really misunderstood and that bugs me. I think that no matter what actions I take, my intentions are misconstrued. I wallowed in my self pity for a bit this morning. Then I decided that I was just tired, making too much out of this, and needed to let the resentment go. I have been trying to make a "silk purse out of a sow's ear" again. And it can't be done.

I'm going to miss most of my meetings this week. That is something that bothers me. I find that meetings keep me grounded. I look forward to them. They get me out of myself and over myself. In the meantime, I'm going to see if there is a meeting nearby for tomorrow night. And now I'm going to hit the hay.

Hoping that you are having a good Monday.

Inland Sunday

Today was a beautiful day here. Yesterday, it rained as a front came through and cooled the temperature down to around 70. So when the sun came up this morning, I decided to go inland, instead of to the water.

There's a number of trails that interconnect in this state to form a system called the Palmetto Trail. We drove to the trailhead of one of the parts of the Palmetto Trail and went for a nice hike through the woods.

I've included a number of photos here. Cedrorum will no doubt recognize some of the species that he sees on the job. I recognized red maple, sweet bay, long leaf pine, American beauty berry, Smilax, sweet gum, cinnamon fern, bald cypress, wax myrtle and many more species.

But the mushrooms and wild flowers were what really caught my attention. There was wild ageratum, numerous daisies, and I came across an old "friend" from my childhood walks in Virginia: Indian pipe. Indian Pipe, also known as “Corpse Plant,”doesn’t have chlorophyll, so it is a waxy, whitish color. It has flowers that droop and tiny, scale-like leaf. When they look at it, most people think Indian Pipe is a fungus.

It was a nice way to spend the afternoon. The dog enjoyed her walk and seemed happy for the cool temperatures. There were a lot of interesting things to sniff along the trail.

The woods offer their own special beauty this time of year. I think that I'd like to go back again soon.

Rigidity?

I read an interesting talk by Bob Pearson who was General Manager of the AA General Service Office from 1974 to 1984, and then served as Senior Advisor to the G.S.O. from 1985 until his retirement. During the 1986 General Service Conference, Mr. Pearson made these interesting comments:

"Let me offer my thoughts about A.A.'s future. I have no truck with those bleeding deacons who decry every change and view the state of the Fellowship with pessimism and alarm. On the contrary, from my nearly quarter-century's perspective, I see A.A. as larger, healthier, more dynamic, faster growing, more global, more service-minded, more back-to-basics, and more spiritual -- by far -- than when I came through the doors of my first meeting .......A.A. has flourished beyond the wildest dreams of founding members, though perhaps not of Bill himself, for he was truly visionary.

I echo those who feel that if this Fellowship ever falters or fails, it will not be because of any outside cause. No, it will not be because of treatment centers or professionals in the field, or non-Conference-approved literature, or young people, or the dually-addicted, or even the "druggies" trying to come to our closed meetings. If we stick close to our Traditions, Concepts, and Warranties, and if we keep an open mind and an open heart, we can deal with these and any other problems that we have or ever will have. If we ever falter and fail, it will be simply because of us. It will be because we can't control our own egos or get along well enough with each other. It will be because we have too much fear and rigidity and not enough trust and common sense.

If you were to ask me what is the greatest danger facing A.A. today, I would have to answer: the growing rigidity -- the increasing demand for absolute answers to nit-picking questions; pressure for G.S.O. to "enforce" our Traditions; screening alcoholics at closed meetings; prohibiting non-Conference-approved literature, i.e., "banning books"; laying more and more rules on groups and members. And in this trend toward rigidity, we are drifting farther and farther away from our co- founders."

I attend several meetings in which there appears to be a "melding" of the fellowships of AA and Al-Anon. This isn't something that's intentional but happens because there are so many AA members who attend these Al-Anon meetings. There is frequent mention of the "other" fellowship, quoting from non-CAL literature, and so on.

Maybe I was just irritable at the meeting the other night. The person who had the topic showed up 25 minutes late, so the person chairing came up with a topic that included information from the Big Book. Then another lady came over from AA and brought her entire McDonald's super-sized meal and ate it during the meeting. It just seemed that the primary focus wasn't on Al-Anon.

I second guess myself all the time on my "rigidity". I like to play by the rules (=Traditions). And I bring to the meeting an attitude of respect for our singleness of purpose. But maybe it's time for me to just turn this over, put it in my God box, and quit taking the group's inventory.

Birthdays and aging

This is for a couple of good friends, my sponsor and my friend D. who celebrate their birthdays this week. I won't tell the age of either. My sponsor says that he has reached an age when the things he does can be considered "cute". They aren't goofy or stupid anymore, but cute. So he can get away with a lot. I don't know about D. He is reaching the age when you start to realize that you aren't a kid anymore. But whatever the age, we seem to be in the over 70 category because we take it One Day at A Time! Watch those green bananas next time you think about buying some.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and a half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!

Age is a funny thing.

Financial insecurity

These are troubling days in the world financial markets. It's like riding a roller coaster. The interesting thing is that I don't have much fear about financial security. It's not that I have a lot of money. But I do have enough money to live on, and I have "things". I'm comfortable, made some sound investments that seemed good a few years ago, have a nice home and car, and a secure job. So I don't have a lot of anxiety about the financial market.

But there are lots of people who are living on the edge. And I know some of them from Al-Anon meetings. They have lost their homes and savings because of alcoholism. And yet last night I heard some one express that even though they had lost so much, they were still not fearful about the economy. They had learned to live a simpler life and one that wasn't dependent upon having so many "things".

I always thought that if I had to go back to living like a graduate student I could it do again. I could downsize the house, have one car, not eat out, sell the boat, and do a number of things that would prevent us from being bankrupt. Before Al-Anon, I wanted more things. But I've come to realize that just having those things that money can't buy is what's important: peace, serenity, love. And I'm getting all of this through the program--for free.

It seems that the longer I am in the program, the fear that used to keep me awake with anxiety in the middle of the night has been replaced by faith and gratitude. There are no guarantees about the future when it comes to the world's economy. But I know that I'll be okay. It's more than a hunch.

The small things

Have you ever noticed how the small things make people happy? I think that sometimes it's just a smile or an expression that you care that can make a person's day.

Yesterday I took some time to go with a good friend to visit his aunt. She is 80 years old. She lives alone now, after the death of her husband three years ago. She seemed to be thrilled to have a visit from us. We drove her around the town for about 30 minutes because she doesn't drive anymore. She wanted to show her nephew some of the places from her past: where she grew up and where she and her husband first lived.

And today I checked in on my father-in-law. He hasn't been feeling well, so I stopped by before work, made him a poached egg on some toast, and chatted for a bit. He'll get some of the great chili that was simmering on the stove this morning, when my wife stops by later to see her dad.

It's not large gifts that make a difference to most people. It's these small things that indicate that you care. Just a smile, a phone call, a short visit--these are things that not only make the other person feel good but make me feel good too. When I tell myself that I'm too busy, I hope that I'll remember the appreciative smiles that I received from doing a few small things.

Rain, rain go away

This was a wet weekend on the boat. Last night, there were gale warnings with a NE wind gusting up to 30 knots. I went all the way to the usual anchorage and had a rocking and rolling night. The rain came down in sheets. But it was fun to be in the V berth listening to the wind howl and the rain on the cabin roof.

Today the rain let up for about an hour--long enough to be able to row ashore and let the dog go to the bathroom. She was a good girl, snoring all night long. But she was happy to be rowed to shore to run on the beach. We took a short walk and then saw more rain heading our way. By the time I had rowed back to the boat, it was just starting to pour again. We got on board, dried off and cooked breakfast. So even though we didn't get our long walk in or find any shark's teeth, it was still a fun couple of days for reading, talking and sleeping.

It seems that this weekend our conversations were more intimate and our time sweeter. There weren't any serenity breakers which was nice. If you're going to be confined for a couple of days, it's best to get along well!

I haven't caught up with everyone's blogs yet but will do that tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to catch up on my daily readings and get some sleep while the sensation of gently rocking lasts. That will go away tomorrow when I get my land legs back.

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a chemistry mid term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

___________________________________________________________
I'm not sure that I believe the above but it makes for some humor on this Saturday morning. I'm off to the boat and my slice of heaven. Nope, Teresa won't be on board.

Sad posts?

Molls wrote a comment on one of my recent posts that what I write seems sad. I guess that my posts may seem sad because the situations that I write about depict the pain of people, including me, who have been affected by someone else's alcoholism.

I'm not by nature a sad person but a thoughtful one. That can translate to "serious". Maybe it's a manifestation of my disease that seriousness and thoughtfulness come through as sadness. I do have a lot of compassion for people who come to meetings and are in so much pain. I know that pain because I lived it and still live some moments of it through my character defects.

Yet, I can be as goofy as anyone. And there are times when I sit down at the computer and think about nothing that's serious. It's as if my mind has blanked out the heavy stuff. I want to write about the boat or my new camera or any of a dozen things that have nothing to do with alcoholism. There are those days when I need a break from the disease and all the thoughts that go with it.

So in keeping with feeling happy, I'm going to tell you about a present that my wife bought me. Some of you know that I like photography. I dabble in it quite a bit and hope to do more when I have free time. Anyway, I've been using one of Nikon's first digital SLR cameras, the venerable D70 since it came out. Yesterday, I came home to see a box sitting on the table in the kitchen. It was a Nikon D90 with two new lenses. What a surprise!

Of course, I asked "What is this?", knowing full well what it was. She said, "Oh, it's that Nikon that you've been drooling over." Ha--she knows me well and knows what I drool over. And there was just a little bit of the thought that "I don't deserve this" going through my head. I think that I even stammered that this was an unbelievably nice gift. But I decided that even though I might not feel that I deserved it, I really was happy with the gift. Well, it took me about 2 hours to unwrap and study every piece in the box. And it will take me another day or two to mess with the settings and read over the manual.

So I'm happy as a crab in pluff mud with this new toy. And grateful for the caring of my wife who never ceases to amaze me. How's that for some happy stuff?

Our blog universe

I took a look at the list of blogs that I follow and am amazed at our community and its growth. I think that there are enough people listed to fill up an entire boat (for Pam's benefit) for the "Bloggers in Recovery" get together. I'm glad that Blogger added the new widget for following so that I can see who has updates. Otherwise, I'd be going through a very long list. There are lots of "us" out there who have decided to share their experience, strength and hope to a much larger community than our local meetings.

It's great to see some new people blogging. I came across Progress, not Perfection just the other day. Stop by and check out this new Al-Anon blogger. And then there is Cognitively Dissonant Interpretations to read.

But I also think about those who haven't written for a while. I think about Scout, JJ, Shugrr, and others whose posts I read. I hope that they are okay and decided to take a break from writing out their thoughts to the world online. There are days when I feel the same way--that I would rather not have to write about ordinary daily happenings because there is nothing much going on. But then I realize that nothing much going on--the status quo--isn't a bad thing either. If there isn't upheaval or chaos, then things just might be....serene. Yep, there's something to be said for those ordinary days when nothing much is going on.

It hurts sometimes

I talked to a lady recently whose best friend had gone back out and was banging on her door at 3 AM. This lady has gotten back on her own feet, owns her own place, and was afraid that the police would be called if she didn't let her friend in. She described how afraid she was and how she breached her own boundaries out of fear. The friend was drunk, incoherent, and a mess.

After a weekend of almost no sleep, the lady asked her friend to leave, took him to a meeting where he picked up a white chip, and then to a motel to drop him off. When she called him yesterday, she could tell that he was drinking.

She expressed her anger at herself and at God. She said that she no longer trusted God enough to let go. Her friend was drunk and possibly suicidal and yet she knew that she had to detach for her own sake. She simply didn't know whether she could trust that God would take care of him.

These are tough things to think about. We have to let go before we lose who we are. But in the process of letting go, we want to believe that there was nothing else we could have done to help. This requires a lot of faith and working through our feelings of powerlessness. I would like to think that what happens to the people I love is not my decision. I can't protect them from themselves. If I don't let go, then I hold on and lose myself in the process.

The Second Road

There's a great site that some of us have been blogging on. It's called The Second Road and it's a site where people with all aspects of recovery can express themselves.

I've been doing some posts there for a couple of months. There are a lot of resources at the site and it's an opportunity to read, reflect and make comments about what's going on in your life. People in ALL stages of recovery using ANY method that works for them are welcome.

I applaud the people who put this site together. They recognized that there needed to be a place where support could be gotten on line. Recovery is not an easy thing regardless of what you're recovering from: alcohol, drugs, effects of someone's else's alcoholism, sex addiction, etc. It's a struggle sometimes to get through the day.

I'm hoping to start a section on The Second Road that is devoted to Al-Anon. Right now, there is something called Family and Friends that includes posts by people who deal with an addiction in a family member. Anyway, hope that you take a look and spend some time at The Second Road. It has a lot to offer.

I don't know if I could.....

I don't know if I could still live with active alcoholism. I was thinking about this yesterday as I watched how happy my loved one is. And so I thought about how much I love her, but I questioned whether I could live with her drinking again. And the answer is: I don't know.

Those years were tumultuous. And even though I feel at peace much of the time, I know that the anxiety of being around someone who is actively drinking would tear at me. I hear it talked about in meetings: the pain and the sadness of living with active alcoholism. I listen but did I really hear what they were saying? Maybe I was stuck in my smugness thinking that it won't happen with us. But the alcoholic is only one drink away from disaster.

Even though I practice the program and know about detachment, it's still hard for me to envision detaching sufficiently to remain in an alcoholic relationship. Why am I thinking about this today? I don't actually know, other than my inventory is telling me that I feel anxious, like a shoe is about to fall. Maybe it's seeing the contrast of a happy person who is sober and thinking back to those unhappy times when alcohol was in charge. God, I don't want to go there ever again.

Back home

My wife got back home last evening. It was really nice to see her and have her back home. She had a good time in Nantucket. She felt relaxed and happy. We had a chance to catch up on each other. We went to dinner and then got in some quiet time together.

Today was beautiful here. I didn't go out on the boat but we did some work cleaning the upper deck. It was just nice to be near the water. We just got back from lunch at a restaurant overlooking the Intracoastal Waterway where there was a good bluegrass band playing. We both enjoyed listening to the music and killing some time on this lovely day.

I hope that all of you have had a nice weekend. I'm going to check up on you later.

Today I'm grateful for:

• Having my loved one back home safe and sound
• Enjoying a beautiful day with low humidity and sunny skies
• Knowing that I don't have to sleep in an empty bed tonight
• Getting over myself and not letting me spoil the day
• Doing just enough work on the boat to feel good but not trying to accomplish too much

Who am I to think that I'm so special?

I stayed up way too late last night watching the VP debate. I found that I was riveted by the brilliance of one candidate and the incoherency of the other. I'm not going to make any other political comments here, but I was struck by an emotional moment during the debate.

And that moment came when Sen. Biden talked about the loss of his wife and child during an accident. I knew that Sen. Biden had lost his wife and a young daughter during a tragic auto accident early in his senate career. His two sons were critically injured in the accident, but both eventually made full recoveries. What I hadn't realized was that the accident left Biden filled with both anger and religious doubt: "I liked to [walk around seedy neighborhoods] at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight ... I had not known I was capable of such rage ... I felt God had played a horrible trick on me."

Supposedly what helped break his rift with God was a cartoon his father, Joe Biden Sr., gave him. It showed "Hagar the Horrible" blasted by lightning. The bubble read, "Why me, God" - and the answer: "Why not." Biden says: "I realized, who am I to think that I'm so special?"

I've read that in the aftermath of the accident, he had trouble focusing on work, and appeared to just go through the motions of being a senator. A single father for five years, Biden left standing orders that he be interrupted in the Senate at any time if his sons called. In remembrance of the accident, Biden does not work on December 18. It was clear from his emotional mention of the tragedy last night that such an event was life changing for him.

I've also read that he has never taken a drink in his life because alcoholism is so prevalent in his extended Irish-Catholic family. In these times when everything is so scripted and the political stakes are so high, I find it refreshing to see a man express honesty and emotion over his loss and have enough understanding about alcoholism to realize it's disastrous effects.

Pinko leftist

I had a strange encounter at today's meeting. There was an elderly man there who was new to the program. The topic of the meeting was dealing with anger and resentment. The elderly man shared about how his son was a narcissist who only talked about himself when he called. The son didn't want to visit his father but did want to tell him for 2 hours about his life, his loves, his job, etc. The father said that he resented this but listened to his son go on and on because he was willing to accept "a few crumbs" tossed his way.

The question he asked the group was who was going to give him those crumbs if he told the son he was busy and didn't have time to listen to his self-centeredness for two hours. He asked if someone would talk to him after the meeting.

Several of us went over to introduce ourselves and welcome the elderly man. When one lady patted him on the shoulder, he told her to not touch him because it broke his thought process about being in pain. He asked her why she was looking at me instead of talking to him. She said that I had more experience than she did. So then he focused on me.

Our conversation went something like this:
Him: " Why do you still keep on coming to this program since you've worked the steps?"
Me: "Because it's now a way of life for me, not like a course that I complete and then stop studying."
Him: "But you seem sharp. Do you think that you might backslide if you stopped coming?"
Me: "It took me over half my life to get here and old habits die hard. I don't want to go back to my old way of thinking."
Him: "Well, what do you do?"
Me: "I'm an environmental scientist."
Him: "Oh so you're one of those pinko leftist's like Jon Stewart."
Me: "I'm not much of a comedian."
Him: "You're probably a tree hugger or a whale hugger, right?"
Me: "Well, I've devoted my entire career to studying the environment but I don't particularly like labels. And I'm not sure what this has got to do with Al-Anon. "
Him: "I'm entitled to my opinion. I can talk about what I want to."

At this point, I was beginning to feel a strong need to detach from the conversation. And I was beginning to take this man's inventory. So I told him that I was glad that he came to the meeting and that I hoped he would keep coming back. I'm not sure that I meant those words.

This is why I need to practice these principals in all my affairs.

Look at yourself

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, staring really hard into the eyes looking back at you and said an affirmation? I look at myself in the mirror every morning and evening--combing my hair, brushing my teeth, and doing the general routine of getting ready for work or for bed. But seldom do I look into the eyes reflected in the mirror and think about something positive.

I may think that I have a few more gray hairs or that I need to lose a couple of pounds or that I need to shave but it's not much that's personal and positive about me. The other night at a meeting, we passed around a mirror and people were supposed to look into the mirror and say something positive about themselves. They were supposed to give an affirmation.

One lady took the mirror and closed it, saying that she didn't want to look at herself. She was gently coaxed by a long-timer to take a peek and say something good about herself. She sneaked a peek and said quickly that she was living a better life than ever before. We all smiled.

I'm going to work on looking at myself more often. And I'll say something positive about me such as "I'm feeling better about myself in many ways" or "I'm unique and special" or any of the many other affirmations that could be listed. Al-Anon's literature has a lot of affirmations. So now I can add some of my own that focus on the good things in my recovery rather than the problems in my life.