Recipe for life

A GREAT RECIPE...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It
is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Have a great Saturday.

A smashing time

I need to catch up on what's been going on. Our anniversary was great. We enjoyed the morning.

I received several new books which is a great present since I enjoy reading. I gave my wife a card that had in it an appointment card for the new Apple store downtown. It said your gift awaits you. She has been talking about the IPhone, so she was very happy. In fact, there were squeals of delight. She went to the store, picked out the 3 G IPhone, an Apple blue tooth, a protective case and a few other goodies. We then met up for a nice lunch at a restaurant.

In the afternoon, I had a couple of errands to run. After making my last stop, I was pulling out of a parking lot to make a left turn. It was just about dark. There was a fair amount of traffic. I looked both ways, saw an opening and pulling out to move to the opposing lane. Suddenly, there was a car coming right towards me. I saw their expressions right before they slammed into the side of Blue. The airbag exploded on impact.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. The ambulance came and a couple of the people in the other car were checked but no one was injured. I told the officer that I had looked carefully before pulling out but didn't see the car until it was right on me. Their headlights weren't on but their parking lights were.

Both cars had to be towed off. Blue is sitting at the BMW place with the driver's door and the quarter panel smashed in. I'm not sure what the insurance adjustor will say. The tow truck driver thought that she might be totalled. I hope not. I love that car.

Anyway, the best thing about this is that no one was injured. Everyone was civil and caring. The police officer was a good guy. And good insurance will help with restitution for damages incurred.

I got a ride home around 9:30 PM. My wife was thankful that everyone was okay. She said, "Well, the car is only a thing. But you're everything to me. "

I have a lot of gratitude for that. And for the great Thanksgiving day in which we could make a few jokes at my expense about the fact that I had just said the other day that I had never had an accident. Never say never!

I'll catch up with each of you as soon as I can. I'm off to a meeting in Florida today. And yes, I'm driving......

Some Thanksgiving History

My mother always maintained that the first Thanksgiving took place in Virginia. She was a Virginia lady who loved the Commonwealth's history. So I'm going to share a bit of that history here. Supposedly, the first Thanksgiving in America took place in 1619, two years before the colonists arrived in Massachusetts.

Capt. John Woodlief, a survivor of the Jamestown settlement's "starving time" who had returned to England, set sail with 37 other settlers on the good ship Margaret to seek their fortune in the New World. After a violent storm blew them off course, they waded ashore Dec. 4, 1619 at what is now Berkeley Plantation. They opened their orders from their backers, which stated that they were to drop to their knees immediately and give thanks. Their landing date was to "be yearly and perpetually keept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Almighty God."

Whether they prayed the General Thanksgiving prayer is a supposition. But that prayer is a good one: "Almighty God, Father of all mercies, we thine unworthy servants do give thee most humble and hearty thanks for all thy goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all men.

We bless thee for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life; but above all for thine inestimable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ, for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory."

No one knows if they had anything other than old ship rations to eat. Historians surmise that they might have supped on roasted oysters and Virginia ham. Others say their feast included bacon, peas, cornmeal cakes, and cinnamon water. But regardless of the menu, to these settlers, the first Thanksgiving was much more than turkey and pumpkin pie. It was all about prayer.

And regardless of who can claim the first Thanksgiving, this day is more than just our feast. It's about being together and giving thanks. Here's wishing you happiness on this day.

Wedding Day

I was thinking back this morning to our wedding day so many years ago. We were both in graduate school and couldn't afford much. We decided to get married at my parents home in Virginia. There were just a few people, mostly family, who came to the wedding. My grandmother was there which was special as she was well up in her 90's at the time. We were married in the parlor in front of the fireplace.

The minister was going through the vows, and the biscuit timer went off in the kitchen. I chuckle at remembering that. The biscuits were for the little ham sandwiches that were made for the dinner after the wedding. It was a cold day and there was a fire going in the fireplace. We all trouped out to the front yard for photos. I look at those photos now and realize how young we were and in some ways naive.

We didn't go on a honeymoon. After the wedding, we went back to the little cinderblock house where we lived. It was near the laboratory where we worked as graduate students. The house had very little heat. We had to wrap blankets around ourselves to keep warm in the winter. And later that evening, we went out to dinner with my wife's parents and their relatives. There were a lot of cocktails drunk by my wife and the relatives. For some reason, it all seems a bit sad to write about this now.

Just after Christmas which was about a month after we were married, my wife left to take a position at a lab down south, and I stayed on in that little house to finish up my dissertation. I missed her terribly. That was a tough time.

My father gave us money for a down payment on our first house as a wedding gift. It helped get us started. About 5 months after we were married, I moved everything that we owned to join my wife. I got a job at the same lab where she worked. We at last had completed our doctorates, moved, gotten jobs, and were newly weds. I think that's a list of some of the most stressful things that people do.

Over these years, we've been battered around a bit. We've had our share of ups and downs. But we've got a lot of memories stored up as well. And I don't think that either of us really doubted that we'd still be together after the biscuit timer went off all those years ago.

I don't want to end up here.....

Steve-roni sent me this link to inspire me on what not to get. I had to laugh!!! But seriously, are you kidding me? A dual bag vacuum cleaner??? I would never make that mistake.

Well, actually I did make that mistake one Christmas. She assured me that she didn't want anything for Christmas, so I got her some stackables for the kitchen. You know those little plastic things that are used to store potatoes, onions, and other items. That was a big mistake. Her hurt look was more than I could bear. I hadn't learned at the time that when she says that she doesn't want "anything" it really means I do want "something" and it had better be nice. Luckily, I didn't get sent to the Dog House.

So now I get her something appropriate that she likes. And it's usually a big hit.

But thanks Steve for the painful reminder. I'll let you know how this year's gift went over.

A short week

This is a short work week for me. Not only is it Thanksgiving on Thursday but Wednesday is our wedding anniversary. We're planning to spend the day together. So I'll be taking off on Wednesday too. I've got to get a card and a present today. I'm not sure what I'm going to get. It's hard to buy for a person who has just about everything, but I'm sure that I'll think of something.

I'm glad that we got married around Thanksgiving. It was a cold time of year for one. And it meant that we would get a few extra days off for the holiday. It's a bundle of good things wrapped up into one week.

Tonight's my home group meeting. It's my favorite meeting of the week. It isn't a big meeting, only 3-4 of us that are faithful to the group. But there's a lot of good stuff that gets shared during the one hour step study before and the regular meeting after. And if for some reason we don't get our usual "crowd", we then step next door to the open AA meeting.

I hope that each of you is having a good Monday. I'm making the most of it.

Warning--disturbing material--potential smile material

We all know how alcohol can affect our lives. Here is just another serious warning on:

THE RAVAGING EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL

After 6 beers

After 2 glasses of wine

After 2 bottles of wine - Shared of course


After too many margaritas


After 3 Kamikazes



After 7 rum & cokes



After 1 large purple haze



After 3 martinis



After 1 bottle of tequila


The morning after


That photo on the Internet


Friends aren't who you thought they were


The family won't take you to public events


You overestimate your musical ability


You thought he/she was pretty


Extra beauty treatments are needed

What I like about where I live

Pam got me thinking about writing this post. I do a gratitude list about my life fairly regularly but haven't written about my gratitude for the place that I call home. I'll provide a few pictures like Trailboss did to give you a feel for the place.

So here's what I like about this place that I call home:

• It has water as an integral element. I look out my office window to this view every day.
• Living history without all the contrived stuff that goes along with it.
• Winter is cold enough without having a lot of snow and ice.
• The pace of life is slower.

• A much more mannerly place than others that I have visited. People smile and say "hello".
• Fresh seafood and a chance to catch your own
• Great restaurants with great food for us foodie heads
• Lots of interesting things to do and very little chance to get bored.
• Has a lot of cultural arts for those who enjoy music, art, dance, and other high brow things.
• Great shopping for those who enjoy more high brow things.
• Old trees and Spanish moss

And then here are some of the things that I don't like:

1. Really hot and really humid weather
2. No-see-ums
3. Traffic and more traffic
4. Sprawl and strip malls
5. Still living the Civil Wawah
6. And the one above means that there is a face of civility but underneath some prejudice lingers.
   
7. Pretentions abound
8. Too many tourists (didn't they see Nos. 1-4 above).
   

And now for a few fun things about this place:

How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel?
"When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Things I've Learned Living in South Carolina:

A Possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

"Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

"Jaw-P" means "Did ya'll go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow AND eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

We do like a little tea with our sugar! And now we have a drink with vodka and sweet tea!

Backards and forards means "I know everything about you."

The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You Know You're from South Carolina if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go git somethin ta eat."

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You know what a "DAWG" is.

6. You carry jumper cables in your car. For your OWN car.

7. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

8. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

9. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

10. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a bit warm".

11. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

12. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

13. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good soup weather.

Have a great Saturday!

Friday at last

I'm glad that it's Friday. I woke up with a sinus headache--jack hammers across the forehead. I'm hoping to make it through the day at work. But I'd like to go home and snuggle up by the fire under a warm quilt.

Even though the weather change wreaks havoc with my head, I like this cold weather. It's refreshing. It's brisk. It's supposed to be nearing 25 F tonight and this weekend is supposed to only have a high of 40. That means that it will be time for long-johns on the boat. And snuggling down under a couple of heavy sleeping bags.

It's hard to believe that it's nearing the end of November. I'm starting to feel some of the pressure of the holidays. We've started talking about the Thanksgiving menu. There'll be the usual suspects of turkey, oyster stew, corn bread stuffing, mashers, casseroles, and sweet potato pie. Lots of gut expansion foods.

My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. We're only having a few people here. I wish that there would be more, but people seem to have family to visit and places to go. My wife's elderly parents will be here. And I'll probably go visit some other friends who live nearby later in the day.

I think that having a big crowd for Thanksgiving is a great idea. It's what the holiday is about--sharing what you have with others. We have a nice Thanksgiving luncheon at work every year. There are generally about 50 of us attending that. And the food is outstanding!

But thinking about Christmas and all that entails is just making my head hurt more. I'm not at all ready to think about that yet. I'll take one holiday at a time.

Always given, never earned

I overheard a couple of women talking the other day at lunch about the dress that Michelle Obama wore to the acceptance speech by her husband. They were making derogatory comments about it. And after lunch, as I was driving back to the meeting that I was attending, I saw a guy flip off an older woman who was too slow turning left at a stop light.

These things make me fantasize about doing a few things: 1) beating the crap out of the person giving the finger to the older woman; 2) asking the young women if they have ever been under the microscope of several million people and scrutinized for what they wear; 3) withdrawing from the world at large and revoking my participation in the human race.

It's wearying to see the lack of respect that occurs in our culture today. And in spite of the rude and unkind behavior of others, "respect" is a big issue worldwide. Everyone wants it, but there's a prevailing feeling that it has to be earned or gained in some way.

Maybe this whole thing about respect is bass-ackwards and "Respect is always given and never earned."

I was taught to respect people, all people, from childhood. And that respect was given and kept unless proven otherwise through the course of their actions. Respect wasn't required to be a test given to another with the risk of making a failing grade, nor was it something gauged to fulfill my wishes. Respect wasn't something that was meted out only if you were within my self-interested inner circle.

Instead, I was taught to respect another by default. The person on the street who is down and out deserves my personal respect as much as the businessman in an Armani suit. In Al-Anon meetings, I have as much respect for the newcomer who had the courage to come through the door as I do for the long-timer who has the benefit of years in the program.

I like to think that this innate respect is like God's love. It is always given to us and not earned. And unlike my human respect which is revocable, God doesn't take away his love for us. That helps me to see that I don't need to withdraw from humanity, pummel someone or press my point to teach "respect". I just need to keep on trying to do God's will.

Tell the Truth

In dealing with alcoholism, there is a lot of dishonesty. I've been dishonest with myself for a long time because I tried to pretend that things were going well. People would ask me how things were going and I'd say that they were "fine". I think that sometimes I believed that things were going well because it was too hard to look at the truth.

And then there is my unwillingness to hurt others. I'd been hurt plenty but when it came to being brutally honest about my feelings, I found it difficult to slash and cut the other person. Every time that I did say words that wounded, I would end up feeling bad for days. So it was easier to believe that I didn't deserve any better or that to live with an illusion that some day things would improve.

Finally, as I got into Al-Anon, I could no longer deny the truth about the alcoholics in my life nor could I deny that I was sick too. The truth that I had been afraid to look at finally came out. I could no longer live an illusion that all was well.

When I did my fifth step, it was a relief to tell my sponsor things that I had not shared with anyone else. It was a chance to truly come clean and let it all out. Revealing my character defects felt good but those that are still hanging around in my psyche are the ones that continue to pain me.

I know that there are some truths that I'm not willing to act on yet. I'm avoiding a few things by not being totally truthful. And the best way to describe it is to offer another version of step nine: told the direct truth to persons except when to do so would injure them or others. My intentions are good, but like the saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

I'll keep praying to not be so willful and selfish so that the truth will finally set me free.

Close your eyes

Last night the speaker at our home group meeting talked about meditation. She has been doing meditation for a number of years and has clinical training as a therapist. And she uses meditation in her practice.

She led us through a meditation. We lit some candles, listened to soothing music and concentrated on our breathing. She asked that we put our hand over our heart to feel it beating. Then she instructed us to visualize the heart beating and connecting with all the other hearts in the room.

Although this sounds really wacky when I'm writing it, it was a relaxing experience. I found that as she softly spoke and I concentrated on my breathing, my mind became blank as I focused internally. A great sense of relaxation and comfort came over me. I felt as if I were truly cocooned and not concerned about anything else except my heart beat and my breathing.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to entrance myself but am planning to try this form of meditation. It was a great opportunity to let go and just be.

Classical evening

The symphony on Saturday evening was wonderful. It was a pleasure to have a treat of not only listening to the great music but to meet the conductor Laura Jackson who is a cousin to a good friend who went with us to the event. Ms. Jackson gave an interesting lecture before the performance as did Zuill Bailey who is recognized as a virtuoso with the cello. It greatly helped to understand the background of the music being played as well as the interpretation of the pieces.

For those of you who are classical music fans, here was what the repertoire was:

• Beethoven Egmont Overture, Op. 84a
• Tchaikovsky Variations on a Rococo Theme, Op. 33 Zuill Bailey, cello
• Tchaikovsky Nocturne, Op. 19, No. 4 Zuill Bailey, cello
• Beethoven Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92

After the concert, we met up with Laura for dinner. It was a chance to talk to her about her passion for music and her early years as a concert violinist. She is a vibrant, lovely woman who brings a lot of energy to her performances. I'm sure that Steveroni will be interested as he shares common interests in the violin and is accomplished in his own right.

Anyway, we didn't get home from all the festivities until after 2 AM. Yesterday was spent catching up on sleep and taking the dogs to the dog park. It was another soothing weekend. And I'm filled with a lot of gratitude for that. Here are some other thoughts on my gratitude:

• I'm grateful for a productive and interesting District meeting on Saturday in which people had a chance to air some difficulties in a kind and graceful way.
• I'm grateful that we have a speaker meeting with the topic of meditation at my home group tonight. And the speaker seems to know a lot about this topic.
• I am grateful for the alcoholics in my life without whom I never would have found Al-Anon and begun my own recovery.
  
• I am grateful for my SO who is now there for me but who has also helped to teach me to put my trust in my HP and let him be my comforter
• I am grateful to be able to do service for the newcomers because I know how they are feeling.
  
  Hope that your Monday is going well.

Mr. Science-Guy-Pants asks.....

...Can anyone say angular momentum? Thanks Pam for my new name: Mr. Science-Guy-Pants. It, uhh, fits I think.

Anyway, here are some more unbelievable answers to a science quiz. I can't believe that these are for real, but they certainly are funny. I'm sure that each of you knows the correct answer.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, be cause there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g, abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Have a great Saturday. I'm not on the boat this weekend but am going to a Beethoven concert in the capital tonight. Should be a nice evening. I'll write about Science-Guy-Pants trip to the concert tomorrow. Gotta go get some kultjah.

Let there be no gossip or criticism

Another part of the closing statement for Al-Anon goes like this:

Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else,
but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the
program grow in you one day at a time.

I like the idea that we can talk to each other and reason things out with someone else. To me that means that if I reach out my hand for help, a hand will be there. Every group has some members that consider themselves or are considered by others to be wise and knowledgeable. They may or may not be the "someone else" that you want to reason things out with.

Occasionally, there may be a person who believes themselves to be the authority on a topic or in general, or the group may recognize them as an authority because of their time in the program or for some other reason. When I first came into the program, I heard a lot of people who had a great deal of wisdom. I couldn't relate to all of them. Eventually, I was able to find people whose perspectives were applicable to my situation. So if you don't hear what you need to hear, keep seeking until you find the soul who can provide the experience, strength and hope you need. The closing does not specify who that "someone else" should be, and leaves that to us as a freedom of choice to determine.

The meeting closing discourages gossip and criticism. I don't see that happening in the meetings that I now attend. Although we all have many different personalities, the one thing we all have in common is we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.

With all these different personalities come different opinions and different actions. Sometimes I don't like those actions, sometimes I don't especially like the people. But something I learned early on in my recovery is that I can learn something from people that I don't like, and I can respect their opinions. I don't have to gossip about them to other members or be critical. I can respect them for who they are. I can agree to disagree. "We aren't perfect." I am here to continue to recover, not take someone else's fourth step inventory. That's not my job, it belongs to their HP and to them.

The last part of the closing sums up the essence of the program: "Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."

Al-Anon closing

I've always liked the Al-Anon closing statement. But this part of it I have found particularly moving:

"A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long: Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

These lines told me what I needed to hear most: that I was not alone, that you have been where I am, and that no matter how bad things may seem, there is Hope for the future.

The closing offers a great promise that if I take away the walls that I had erected between myself and others in the program through denial then I will move towards recovery. At the time I started the program, I knew that I needed help but I didn't realize how much I wanted recovery. I had to learn to let down my wall of shame about myself and my relationship with the alcoholics in my life.

The words of the closing and the promise offered is still true today. I've learned by listening to the recovering stories of others I have met along the way and by taking advantage of talking to others and to my HP in order to get a clearer view of my situation. This has helped me to avoid avoidable mistakes, slips and pitfalls by shining someone else's light on my blind spot. I may not always like what I hear, but by doing this I am reinforcing the notion that I am not alone with my problems.

In keeping an open mind, I've had to examine my motives and attitudes. Here are a few questions that I have to consider:

Am I motivated by a desire to help myself and others in this, or am I more interested in swaying someone else to my way of thinking?

Am I listening to the perspectives of the group or my sponsor and actually considering them, or am I awaiting the next opportunity to share my own thoughts?

Am I truly placing the principles being discussed above the personalities involved?

If my answer to any of these questions is a no, then I'm probably not keeping an open mind. If I get over myself and remember: "Keep an open mind, and you will find help," and "Take what you like and leave the rest" then I'm going to find what I need.

Still rackin' and rollin'

I'm at work today, but the ground won't stay still. I'm still swaying with the motion of the boat. I got a good night's sleep in a bed that wasn't shaped like a V. We laughed about our feet being crammed down into the V and our butts bumping together in the night.

There isn't much room on a boat for being uncomfortable in each other's company. You're in a small space where you cook, eat, use the bathroom, sleep and read. The great thing is that in this limited area, we didn't get on each other's nerves. That's one of the first times that we've been on the boat and not had a real serenity breaker. I think that made the trip even more special for both of us.

I'm supposed to go to physical therapy for my rotator cuff injury today, but I'm not into it. I feel like going home and vegging out. I'm still in "island time" and not really in the mood for doing a bunch of shoulder exercises. Besides, I'm supposed to do these exercises twice a day and only did them once a day on the boat. So I'm feeling a little bit guilty about not following the protocol. (My sponsor says "screw guilt" so I'm all over that today).

Plus I'm supposed to ice my shoulder twice daily. Are you kidding me? We were lucky to still have cold water in the cooler after Monday. I didn't want to cuddle up with the cold orange juice bottle. So that may explain why last night my shoulder felt like it had a bad toothache.

Anyway, I'm happy and contented in a peaceful, accepting way. Not even the torture or recriminations by the PT is going to drive that away today.

Hope that your Wednesday is going well.

Some impressions from the time off

I'm in that zone of tranquility and wanted to share a few photos from the boat and the few days off. It was a great time, magical in fact. It's hard to describe a more peaceful few days. The companionship, the beauty of the surroundings, warming up by the fire, sailing with near perfect winds, and the motion of the boat at night are great sensations to carry in my head this week. I'm just grateful for all of it.

Still catching up on blogs but that will take a little time. Thanks for stopping by here while I was "away".

Zen like

One of the qualities that I have come to admire in this program is the ability to remain calm and serene even in the midst of turmoil. It's like a Zen like peace that emanates from a few people that I know. I'm still very much a work in progress, although my serenity meter has definitely moved to the higher end of the scale since joining the program.

Those times when I display anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, bitterness, self-pity and a host of other character defects still come up. Yet, most of the time I don't put that face forward to the world. I'm still a self-controlled person. It's hard to shake that part of me.

I'm not one for great public displays of my inner turmoil. I think that in meetings and talks with my Al-Anon friends I reveal most of myself--the real me, the raw me. And through that raw honesty and the acceptance I've received, I've found myself being calmer and more able to not be filled with anxiety in my daily life.

It reminds me of the slogan to "Fake it til you make it". But I feel less and less like I'm faking it now. The calmness that I feel is welling up from a resource within me. And I'm simply marveling at being able to remain calm and implacable in the affairs of life. Maybe this is what recovery feels like.

Funny things

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

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I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love

After having met you . I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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Congratulations on your promotion

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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I'm so miserable without you,

it's almost like you're here.

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You can tell that I haven't got much that's serious on my mind today. That being said, the last "funny" message above caught my attention though. I more or less lived that sentiment--I'm miserable without my wife but was also miserable when she was around. Thankfully, I only have sporadic moments of misery when I wish that we lived on separate planets.

And believe me there have been many moments when I wondered after all these years, "What the hell was I thinking?". But for better or worse, we're still together. And there's a kind of peace with us now. We're more accepting of each other and appreciate that we're two separate individuals. I like the acceptance of each other that we have now. Thank God for this program.

It's Saturday morning....

and I feel like an old hawg. The fair last night was fun. We walked around, looked at exhibits, smelled the food and "sampled" an elephant's ear. We decided not to go on any of the rides because the lines were long and most were of the whirling and hurling type.

I slept in and woke up to the great feeling of Saturday morning. And because it's a long weekend with a holiday on Tuesday (and annual leave on Monday), there is the feeling of having the luxury of time. Not having to think about anything but this day is easier to do when I know that the next 3 days will be filled with that Saturday feeling of "easy does it".

My only plans are to take the boat our for a long sail on this gorgeous day and then spend 3 days on her with a sail back on Tuesday. The weather is supposed to be warm with cool nights and the winds are going to be great for sailing. It's time to take advantage of the weather to get some quality down time.

At one of my meetings this week, we talked about gratitude. And there is so much to be grateful for. One of my favorite sharings of gratitude is that God brought me to Al-Anon and Al-Anon brought me to God. And I think that I'll leave you with that today.

It'a an inside job

There's a new blogger around: Little Miss Sunshine. If you get a chance, stop by and give her a welcome. Caper's story is similar to mine in that she is married to an alcoholic, put up a happy facade, eventually hit her emotional bottom and has now decided to get her life back and live it.

One of the things that the title of her blog brings to mind is that the happy face we put forth to the world masks a mess underneath. I've always liked the saying that "Happiness is an inside job". But one of the challenges in recovery is to understand how to go about fixing my inside so that I am able to feel the happiness that I know is buried within.

I've read something in one of the on line forums that it's best to "live life, and allow happiness to find me", as opposed to trying to pursue happiness. This is a lesson that is starting to finally make sense to me. I believe in the words, but sometimes have difficulty in actually applying them to my everyday life.

And another truth that I have come to accept is that we really do control our attitudes, outlook and ultimately happiness based upon the perspectives that we bring to things. So basically my inner world has a lot to do with what happens externally and my thoughts and emotions have a huge effect on the course of my life.

Here are some truths that Brenda Ehrler discovered during recovery and highlights in her book Learning to Be You, It's an Inside Job:

• I was contributing to unhealthy behavior
• I needed recovery and healing
• My own beliefs have prevented me from achieving joy
• If I don't feel love for myself, I can't give love
• I have the power to change beliefs that no longer work for me
• My thoughts create my experiences
• I have control of my thoughts
• I have no control over the actions of others
• Everything works together for a purpose
• Discomfort does not go away, it becomes an adventure

I like the idea that the discomfort that I feel can be viewed as an adventure. And another way I can think of this is that my life is a path waiting to be journeyed by an explorer. Through the program I am now following a path and embarking on a journey to find the truth about my own being.

It's fair time

The fair has come to town, and I'm planning to go tomorrow. This isn't the fair of my youth. I remember when the fair would come to the lot behind my elementary school, and there would be a lot of excitement as we'd go on rides, eat cotton candy and scream like crazy in the Fun House. That fair also had real scary things like a two-headed calf that was crammed in a bottle of formalin. I used to think that having two heads was awful. Now there are days that I could use an extra one.

I had a romantic encounter at the fair when I was in high school. There was this fair worker who was really fair. We started making eyes at each other and ended up doing some serious groping in the Fun House. Those were the days.

My father used to take me to the state fair which was a much bigger event. We especially enjoyed the state horse show. I never tired of watching the horses when I was a kid. I got to see some of the premier riders of the day who later went on to join the US Equestrian Team. My father had a love of horses and all animals that he passed on to me.

The fair that comes to this town is fun. It's bigger than the fairs of my youth. There are some rides that I enjoy like the gravity drop. But I don't go on the whirling ones because they make me hurl. Spewing elephant ears and fried lard over the crowd can get to be a bit embarrassing.

There's always some good entertainment too, like the old blues musician who is a one-man band. And then there is the petting zoo and the animal exhibits. I never realized that there were so many different types of rabbits. And the baby goats are always entertaining. They butt heads just for fun.

It's said that fall isn't here until the fair comes to this neck of the woods. So I'm going to go, enjoy some nostalgic moments, sample some unhealthy food, and feast on the sights and sounds.

Recovery, Unity, Service

I am feeling grateful and filled with so much hope today. It's a feeling of comfort. I couldn't help but think about the AA triangle of recovery, unity and service.

I am hopeful that now our country can start to recover its image abroad and refresh its spirit at home.

I am hopeful that this election brings people of all races, religions and philosophies closer to unity. And that we begin to feel encouraged about the country, and embrace our tolerance and inclusiveness.

I am hopeful that through service at home and abroad, we will do our part to make the world a better place.

Food for thought

Election day at last. The lines in my little community have been long, much longer than I ever remember. My wife talked to an older lady who has lived on the island all her life. She said that the lady can't remember a voter turnout such as this. Even though there is a long wait, the turnout makes the feeling that we are on the verge of an historical moment even more exciting.

All of this got me thinking about the right to vote and how so many people take it for granted in this country.

The island that I live on is predominantly African-American in terms of demographics. It is one of the remaining Gullah settlements in the region. So I did a little research on voting rights for African-Americans in this country. Here are some of the facts that I found:

• Blacks actually didn't have the right to vote at the end of the Civil War. Southern states put together governments excluding Blacks from voting.

• In March 1866, angry leaders of the United States Congress passed a civil rights bill saying a citizen in the United States is anyone born in the United States, except Native Americans. The bill also guaranteed equal rights to all citizens no matter what race, and allowed the federal government to step in when the states failed to protect those rights.

• About a month later, the legislature issued the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. It stated that all people who were born in the United States, including African-Americans, are considered natural citizens and have the same rights as all other Americans. It also prohibited any state from making or enforcing any laws that took away or hurt an individual’s civil rights.

• In 1867 and 1868, the southern state constitutions during this period favored Blacks and gave them voting rights without the earlier voting rules. They could also hold public office. This equality didn't last long. The Ku Klux Klan formed in the South to threaten Blacks and take away their power.

• From the 1870's through most of the 1900's, Blacks were blocked from voting by threats of violence, being made to take reading and writing tests (some Blacks couldn't read or write so they couldn't pass the tests), and many other voting rules designed to keep Blacks from voting. Some states passed laws that required people to pay a poll tax before voting. This tax did not involve a large amount of money, but many blacks (and poor whites) either could not or would not pay it.
  

• It was not until the Voting Rights Act of 1965, signed by President Lyndon Johnson over 100 years after the Civil War ended, that it became illegal to stop Blacks from voting. Blacks were finally guaranteed their voting rights in 1965.

I'm grateful that on this day that the times have changed from repression to renewal.

I'm grateful that I have a room full of books and resources where I can check facts, be informed, and grasp what freedom truly means in terms of the Constitution.

I'm grateful for being able to have my own opinions about something without fear of reprisal.

I'm grateful that there is a feeling of hope and change in the air.

I'm grateful that the healing after a long divisive campaign can begin.

Election Day eve

It's Monday all day, but there is a sense of excitement in me today. It's the eve of one of the most important presidential elections that I can remember. Yes, I'm tired of the pundits and all the ads, but the feeling now is that we are on the precipice of a great decision. Whatever your persuasion, philosophy, or mindset, please do get out and vote.

I had a quiet weekend on the boat. It was beautiful weather, just cool enough at night to require the large comforter and warm enough during the day to be able to sit on deck and enjoy the sun. We built a campfire on Saturday night, met a kayaker who was spending the night in a hammock on the island and invited him to dry his clothes by the fire.

There were a couple of other guys camping out as well. They came over and were stumbling drunk. They had beached their 24 foot sailboat and said that they had been drinking all day. They polished off a bottle of Fire Fly which is a concoction of sweet tea and vodka that is coincidentally made on the island where I live. One of the guys was a cell biologist from the local medical university. He could barely stand up. They were cordial enough, inviting me over to have coffee in the morning. Considering the shape that they were in, I had to wonder what would happen if I went over in the dinghy, blew the airhorn, and said "Hey, where's that coffee?".

The sail back was fast. We stayed until the tide changed which was after dark. It was a brisk breeze at around 15 knots with higher gusts. All in all, it was a beautiful weekend. I'm so grateful that I think of fire flies as those neat creatures that light up the southern nights and not some booze in a bottle.

To an alcoholic, with love

The following is a letter that appears in the booklet Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009. I found this letter to be particularly moving. It pretty much sums up what I've felt in my relationship with the alcoholic.

You’re an alcoholic. I thought you needed me, that’s why I fell in love with you. It was easier to delve into your drama than to look at my own issues.

I wasn’t the problem; you were. If only I could fix you, we could live like normal people, happily ever after. With blinders on, I didn’t want to acknowledge your alcoholism as a disease. It’s very hard, you see, because you weren’t losing your hair like a cancer. It’s a disease of the soul, and your soul was the last thing I was privy to. Mentally, I know you have an illness. Still, some days it’s hard for me to accept your actions as part of your disease.

I lectured, blamed, and scolded you for not being able to hold onto a job, drinking yourself into oblivion, and making yourself so sick you wanted to die. But I wasn’t accepting you for who you are. I was angry that you didn’t fulfill my lofty expectations and I reacted by attacking you with a torrent of hateful, vindictive words. I was holding onto my need for you to be what I wanted you to be. I should have looked at myself before casting stones. I added to the hatred you already felt for yourself. I am very sorry.

I’m ashamed of the things I did in the name of loving you. I wrote your résumé and set up job interviews. I drove you all over town. I covered for your illness so that your aging parents have no clue to this day that you end each night drunk, with a bottle in your hand, and begin each day with a new bottle. I spent money I didn’t have to give you what I thought you needed. The more loving and helpful I tried to be, the worse you became—and you turned away from me.

I let you use me and exploit me. But what did I get in return? You weren’t there for me when I needed emotional support. Adding insult to injury, you’d lie about where you’ve been or who you
were with. You’d make promises that gave me hope—and I always believed you.

I persevered in our relationship, even in the absence of affection and intimacy. I lied to myself that you loved me anyway. I accepted even the most mediocre gesture of caring. You shredded my heart and yet, I kept that ember of hope alive, thinking that maybe this time it will be
different, maybe this time he will realize just how much I mean to him. I still thought you would become the man I always knew you could be.

Was I in love? Or was I obsessed? You have your alcohol and your demons. I have you. You are my drug of choice. You were my world, you were my life. It was too painful for me to watch you dying before my eyes. I was lost and out of control. My pleas, threats, and ultimatums didn’t work. I had no more strategies to try.

Realizing my powerlessness, I got down on my knees and prayed. By the mercy of God, I found Al‑Anon. In Al-Anon meetings, I shared my story with others and learned that their stories were mine also. By listening to their experiences, I came to understand that you will find your own path, in your own time, without my help.

Whether you’re in my life or not, I still think about you. I still care about you and love you. But I’ve pulled my expectations down from the stratosphere. I’m exploring joy, forgiveness, and gratitude instead. More and more with each day’s passing, I’m finding love for myself and
my own life.
by Gloria R., from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009

18 years for a friend

Today makes it 18 years since a good friend of mine had his last drink. I'm really happy for him. I can't tell you much about his story because he doesn't talk much about those days when he was drinking. I do know that he was in dire straits and at bottom when he was taken to detox.

He still goes to 4-5 meetings a week. He believes in the singleness of purpose for AA. I've had lots of discussions with him about how he thinks the fellowship is being diluted from what the original 100 started.

I'm glad that he has achieved 18 years of sobriety. I also know that he remains ever vigilant about his alcoholism.

I've read that even for those with long-time sobriety, there are moments when things don't seem to be working. And that happens in Al-Anon as well. Maybe the cycle is something like this:

a) Everything is going just fine and life could not be better.

b) Feelings occur that I'm "just not happy", not unhappy but something is missing.

c) My meetings don't go well. I'm not hearing what I need to hear, or the meetings aren't being done "right"

d) My prayer and meditations don't seem real.

e) Nothing I am reading strikes a chord with me.

f) My self-centeredness is a little too centered or my focus has shifted away from taking care of myself.

Maybe this is when I need to inventory what I'm doing, thinking and feeling. Or maybe I'm not doing, thinking or feeling what I need to. The solution comes from finding a power greater than myself to which I can turn.

I like the following passage:

"Learn daily the lesson of trust and calm in the midst of the storms of life. Whatever sorrow or difficulty the day may bring, God's command to you is the same. Be grateful, humble, calm, and loving to all people. Leave each soul the better for having met you or heard you. For all kinds of people, this should be your attitude: a loving desire to help and an infectious spirit of calmness and trust in God. You have the answer to loneliness and fear, which is calm faith in the goodness and purpose in the universe." from The Little Black Book

Happy 18 th. anniversary, D. --one day at a time.