Thank you Jenn

Today's post is dedicated to Jenn who blogs at J-Online. While I was on my trip to Florida, I received a hand decorated package from Jenn. This package was filled with a number of thoughtful things from Jenn: a hand-decorated file box, a journal, a magnetized note pad, a package of note paper and a wonderfully done paperweight with a picture of my sail boat in it.

Jenn made an offer back in December 2008 to provide craft gifts to the first three people who said that they would like one. She posted this on December 10 and called the post Pay It Forward: http://jenn-online.blogspot.com/2008/12/tis-season.html. So I said that I wanted to do this and she made me her fourth recipient of a Jenn gift.

Here is the note that she sent:
"Syd,
As you can see, I'm not very creative. But I hope that you like it! Thank you for your friendship and support. I am grateful to have met you on line and appreciate your blog and insight. May you and your family have a wonderful 2009!
Many blessings,
Jenn"

Jenn, you are creative, and what you sent is much appreciated. Thanks for your kindness and the goodness of your heart.

So it's my turn to pay it forward. And because Jenn did four, I'm going to do four also. Let me know if you want something craft like from me. I say "craft like" because I'm not sure what I'm going to send but it will be something that reflects the culture of the Lowcountry of South Carolina. The first four to respond will get the deal.

I may not be as creative as Jenn but what is sent will come with heartfelt good wishes.

Oh, and email me your address so that I know where to send your gift. Mine is on my sidebar.

Y not?

Judith of Vicarious Rising gave me the letter Y. When I think of this letter, there are a lot of words that come to mind. But symbolically, the letter itself is like a fork in the road or path that I need to choose. So here are my 10 Y things:

1. You--That's who I spent most of my life thinking about. Someone other than myself. I still find that you are an important part of my thoughts, just not the entire focus anymore. You has been replaced with more "I". That's part of my recovery.

2. Youth--Ah, youth. Who doesn't wish for that some days? I still feel young most of the time but without the angst of youth. Being young is a state of mind when you age. I don't have any desire to be the youth of my past, unless I could have the wisdom of today.

3. Yearning--This is a poignant one for me. I've yearned for something most of my life: acceptance and love primarily. Yearning for these things set me up for a lot of disappointments. And the things that I yearned for were right within my grasp, within myself. Yearning for the future was also futile when I know that I can just live in this day.

4. Yacht--this isn't a motor yacht but a sailing yacht. Specifically a Tayana, a Shannon, a Cabo Rico, or something like that. I love the lines of these traditional sailing vessels. There's something really appealing to me about a beautiful sailing yacht of the old school design.

5. Yogurt--I like mine with the plain vanilla flavor. It's one of my favorite snacks.

6. Yeti--I've always been fascinated by this hairy mythical beast. I remember seeing the blurry photograph of a yeti and thinking, "Wow, what if this is true?" It was probably a drunk guy in a gorilla suit but still the idea of an unknown species of man fascinates me.

7. Yellow--the color of brightness: sunflowers, yellow submarines, the sun, leaves in fall. And the ground breaking movie, I Am Curious--Yellow. I never saw a yellow streak down anyone's back, but I know that cowardice exists in other forms.

8. Yule--I'm not nordic but like the Yule traditions in Sweden. I have a couple of Julstackes that I bought and have up at Christmas. I have always burned a yule log at Christmas--it's really just a huge piece of oak that burns most of the day.

9. Yin Yang--I like this Chinese concept of opposites within a greater whole. I seem to be involved in love with the Yin to my Yang. I find the following fascinating (from Wikipedia):

"The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed. Yin is usually characterized as slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, and tranquil. It is generally associated with the feminine, birth and generation, and with the night. Yang, by contrast, is characterized as hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive. It is associated with masculinity and daytime."

I like the picture of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. And the symbol for yin-yang has always intrigued me.

10. Yield--This is something that I don't do well. I would think of a rebuttal, a "yes, but" response. I don't like being controlled and yielding smacks of that. I'm learning that boundaries are important in deciding when to yield or not.

There you have it. The Y words that came to mind for me. Let me know if you want a letter. I'll be glad to toss one your way.

Tradition Three

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

• Principle: Focus
• Traits: singleness of purpose, keep it simple

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Al-Anon and the recovery offered me is my primary focus. This does not mean I have the right to force my belief in Al-Anon on others. My recovery does not detract from my family’s unity. My preaching may.

To LEARN how to join Al-Anon or form a group, turn to Tradition Three, which tells us that any individual can join simply by deciding he or she is troubled by another person's drinking. A group can be formed whenever two or more persons get together to use the Al-Anon principles to help themselves. The only stipulation is that the group itself not affiliate with any other program, religion or cause. This stipulation is intentionally simple and inclusive. It insures that when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help in dealing with the effects of another's alcoholism, Al-Anon will be there. This tradition points out our singleness of purpose.

Most organizations have specific requirements for membership and some way to see that only those who qualify are admitted. Applications are created and obligations are spelled out. Al-Anon is different. If you think you are troubled by a drinker, you are welcome.

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Although there are many good, related endeavors, our experience indicates that we lose the vitality and effectiveness of our Al-Anon program when we stretch ourselves too thin by trying to be all things to all people.

Practicing this Tradition brings us personal growth and expanded recovery. For all who come through the doors and claim by their presence that they have a problem, we extend the hand of fellowship. We offer them unconditional love and acceptance. It is simple.

We do not use our group for other purposes or link our group to other causes, treatment programs or outside endeavors, however worthy they may be, because we want to be sure Al-Anon is always available to us and others in need of the help we have found so useful.

Tradition Two

I decided to write some more about the traditions. My first post was on Tradition One, so today's post is about Tradition Two: For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

For me, the main principle of Trad. Two is humility. This tradition tells me that I give guidance (not advice), that I trust, be accountable and courteous. Just as I need to be heard, so do others. Guidance comes through sharing, listening, and pointing out choices. We are but trusted servants guided by a loving Higher Power, not dictators.

I like the idea that God is the boss. He is the one authority. I am working hard at subjugating my ego and allowing Him to guide me.

In my relationships, I can practice this tradition by not taking over responsibilities without consulting my partner. I don't dominate others. I've found that my wife will expect me to lead and there is a tendency when that happens for me to begin to feel indispensable and self-important. It's easy then to step over the line to manage things for her which leads to control.

My wife tends to be unsure sometimes and is happy to let me be responsible. And being the adult child of an alcoholic, I'm only too happy to slip into that familiar coat of assuming responsibility. But if I take over responsibility from another, then they are absolved of any kind of failure. Essentially, they get to skate free.

What this tradition means in my relationshiop is that both partners must actively participate in order for there to be love and growth. We must remember that active participation by both members in the relationship is vital to its growth. No partner can assume the position of speaking for the other without first having consulted him or her. This is simple courtesy.

I've always been amazed at how much courtesy we have for strangers. Yet when we are dealing with the most precious persons in our lives, we sometimes leave simple kindness out of our manner.

For me, the hardest part of this tradition is maintaining autonomy in a personal relationship. I have to work at keeping the focus on myself. I like the idea of people working together in unity but also maintaining their own interests. Coming from an alcoholic marriage, I could often want too much "togetherness" and that is confining and unhealthy. Autonomy doesn’t mean you don’t need the other person, but it means that I don't give up who I am to be in the relationship. I can maintain my goals, desires, and dreams but also respect and support the goals, desires, and dreams of another and allow them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. I think that this makes a healthy relationship.

To make this tradition applicable to Al-Anon meetings, it's important that each group not be a carbon copy of the other. I like individuality with the groups. In some birthdays are celebrated, in others there are speaker meetings. What I think makes Al-Anon special is the way that we can each express our thoughts without fear of criticism, interruption or gossip. We can in short be ourselves within Al-Anon.

Lower your expectations

"Lower your expectations until you get what you want". I was told that a few days ago when I was getting myself into self-pity mode. I was bemoaning a few things that were driven by fear which is my chief character defect.

It's easy to let myself slip back into having fantasies about how things "should" be or how I want them to be. I was hoping to have something special happen on my birthday, was convinced that it wouldn't happen, and got myself into self-pity mode faster than a synapse could fire.

So a great friend in AA told me the slogan about lowering my expectations until I got what I wanted. Just hearing that made me realize that I don't need to hope that something special is going to happen, because something special does happen every day: It's called living. And it's up to me to decide whether I'd rather focus my energy on expecting something from others or on doing my part to make this day unique and special.

I'm going to remember that slogan when I build expectations that depend on others. It's up to me to make this day what I want it to be. And right now, I'm going to shower, get dressed, and head out for a day of meetings here in Florida.

I don't have any expectations one way or the other. How about you?

On the road

I'm heading out early to drive to a meeting in Florida. It's a national meeting of research directors and is required by one of my research grants, so I have to go.

I had a good day yesterday, helping an elderly man set up his new Mac book. And then went out to dinner with some friends. It did a lot to get me out of feeling ambivalent and made me recognize (once again) how great my life is and how fortunate I am to be a part of the ups and downs that this life has to offer. I sometimes forget how great the ride is.

My wife will be here with the dogs and cats for the week. She stays busy and is now working on a new book. I admire her dedication to scholarly pursuits. She has spent a life in science and still is enthusiastic about the critters that she has studied for so many years.

I hope to make some meetings in Florida this week. And I hope to catch up on the blog postings of all of you. It's been a busy few days for me with not much time on the computer.

Wishing everyone a good Monday.

Ambivilance

It seems as if this weekend has crawled by. Usually, the weekend seems to just fly past. I suppose that's because the time is spent on the boat where I wish time could be suspended.

Instead of the boat, I spent yesterday inside most of the day. I got up at 3:30 AM to take a good friend to the airport. He is leaving town for a month to do some work. After dropping him off, I was both too tired to do anything of consequence but too awake to sleep. Ambivilance seemed to be the word for the day.

I'm taking care of his dog while he is gone. She is a happy girl but obviously misses him. She and I spent much of the day together with me reading and her asleep at my feet. I think that she just wanted the comfort of being near another human, all the while expecting her owner to come in calling her name. I think that she was feeling a bit ambivilant too.

Today, I'm going to go down to the boat to check on things after the rains yesterday. I also have to go help a fellow get his computer up and going. And then, I'm going to pack for a work related trip to Florida next week. I wasn't sure that my travel would be approved with the budget crisis in this state. In a way, I wish that it hadn't been approved. I find most meetings to be unproductive and too long. Usually the conclusions are action items that require another meeting.

I guess that I'm feeling a bit tired today, yet I still feel as if I have to get several things done. Ambivilant again? So, I'm going to get going and make the day a positive one. That is something that I can chose to do.

I'll be on the road tomorrow and will catch up when I can. Have a good Sunday.

Attitude and gratitude

Shadow gave me this great award. It's called the Suck a Lemon award. Nope, that's not right--it's the Lemonade Award. It's about people we know who are able to have a great attitude and gratitude (make lemonade out of lemons).

The "rules" for this one are simple. Shadow gave me five, but I'm going to add one more: Tell us how you have the attitude and gratitude that gets you through the day. You can make this short. Thanks!

I got my attitude from life's experiences. I've always been upbeat and figured out that optimism was better than pessimism. I got my gratitude from the fellowship of Al-Anon where I have learned to appreciate the simple things, the God-given things that are in front of me. I've learned to see through new eyes and that affects attitude and brings gratitude.

1. put the logo on your blog or post
2. nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
6. How did you get a great attitude and gratitude?
   

So I've nominated the following ten people for this award. They aren't lemons for sure....

Scott--http://sippiambrose.blogspot.com/

Tabitha--http://beneaththebasementstairs.blogspot.com/

Shannon--http://todaysdailyblog.blogspot.com/

Trail Boss--http://ilovehorses-trailboss.blogspot.com/

Jess--http://christianchickblog.blogspot.com/

Betty Ann--http://ahenwithoutarooster.blogspot.com/

J-Online--http://jenn-online.blogspot.com/

Dave--http://texandave.blogspot.com

Ginnie--http://goldendaze-ginnie.blogspot.com/

Jump and Then Build Wings--http://jumpandthenbuildwings.blogspot.com/

Unity

I went to an open AA meeting recently that is called the Three Legacies group. It's a speaker meeting. What made this meeting different was that the speakers wear a suit. And that it's stated up front that if there are problems other than alcohol, people are asked to go to the appropriate 12 step meeting for help. In other words, this meeting stresses singleness of purpose.

I like the fact that the group is called the Three Legacies. And I thought that I'd write some posts about those legacies and about the traditions in Al-Anon. I've come to understand that the steps are my guide to recovery and help me get my life together. The traditions teach me how to live with others and help guide my behavior.

I've heard that the unity of AA and Al-Anon is the most cherished and valuable quality that our fellowships have. Our lives and the lives of all to come depend upon it.

Tradition One in Al-Anon states that: Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. The principle of this tradition is unity. And the traits of this tradition are honesty, open-mindedness, mutual respect, and willingness to be vulnerable.

Unity is based on harmonious cooperation. It means that I am willing to listen to the ideas, feelings, and opinions of others with an open mind. It means that I can share my own views but not insist on promoting my own way as the only way. Without unity, our groups would fail. And without the group, there is no place for the newcomer to go.

I've seen the result of overbearing opinions and how detrimental that can be to a meeting. Ultimately, disregard for unity of the program is destructive. It drives people away. If egos drive a meeting, then God is driven out. This is something to think about before going to a meeting.

Unity also applies in relationships outside the program. We each have needs and rights, but it's important to also have mutual respect for each other in relationships: with members of our family, with business associates, and friends. With unity, the whole is greater than any of its parts. I may think that I'm right, but it's also important to see the other person's viewpoint and allow them the dignity to do what they need to do. Living with another is much easier when I don't insist that my way is the only way.

"Unity presents not only the necessary climate for the growth of Al-Anon as a whole but also the atmosphere in which each member within the group may acquire peace of mind. " from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Are you a little chili?

Tab asked about my chili recipe. So I thought that I'd post it on here. It's spicy and tasty. But it warms you up on those cold days.

Please note this disclaimer: I'm powerless over any marital disputes that erupt because of having to ventilate the bedroom after several bowls of this stuff. But you might want to keep the window cracked just in case. And add a seat belt to the toilet--just sayin'

Syd's Blowing in the Wind chili
Ingredients:

• 2 medium onions, finely chopped
• 1 medium green chili pepper, minced
• 2 medium garlic cloves
• 1/2 tablespoon dried oregano leaves
• ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
• ½ ounce cumin
• 5 ounces tomato sauce
• 16 ounce can of chopped tomatoes
• 3 ounces bulk pork sausage
• 3 pounds ground beef
• 3 8 oz. cans pinto beans
• ½ teaspoon coriander, ground
• 1 cup beef broth, canned
• 2 Tablespoons butter
• 2 ounces (or more to taste) Gebhardt's Chili Powder (or order the medium hot stuff from the Spice Barn)
• - white pepper, to taste
• - a few dashes of hot pepper sauce
• - cayenne pepper, to taste

Directions:

1. Sauté onions and garlic in butter about 3 minutes.
2. Add chili powder.
3. Mix well.
4. Brown beef in separate pan a pound at a time, adding white pepper to taste while browning.
5. Add to onions and spices; use a little beef broth to keep from sticking.
6. Sauté sausage and minced green chili pepper about 2 minutes.
7. Add to pot with meat and onions and cook about 15 minutes.
8. Add cumin, coriander, tomatoes, tomato sauce and remaining broth, mixing well.
9. Cook about 30 minutes.
10. Add oregano.
11. Cover and cook over low heat about 2 hours or until meat is tender, stirring occasionally.
12. During the last 20-30 minutes add beans, salt, cayenne pepper
and red hot pepper sauce. If needed add more chili powder to taste.

(you can also leave out the beans and just do the meat or you can leave out the meat and just do the beans--it's still good).

Note: Pam, Dave and the Houston group probably have Gebhardt's by the case.

I, too, sing America

I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--

I, too, am America.

by Langston Hughes

I am grateful for this day.
I am grateful for the hope that it brings.
I am grateful for the idea of unity from Tradition One.
I am grateful for the unity that I see taking place in this country.
I am grateful to be able to sing America today.

An incredible surprise

I had the surprise birthday of my life yesterday. We went out on the sailboat around 12:30 PM. It was a brisk but beautiful day. I was thinking that we would have a quiet afternoon, have a bowl of soup, read the paper and then take a nap.

Around 2:30 PM, I heard a horn blast from inside the cabin. When I got on deck, there was one of the local tour boats with a bunch of people on board singing Happy Birthday. It was a surprise party, complete with everything for an oyster roast. The boat crew came equipped with the oysters, wood for a fire, chili, the drinks, music----everything!
My friends were there, including my sponsor and a good friend from my home group. We had quite a time eating roasted oysters, chili, having a wonderfully decorated cake (with the lighthouse on it) and enjoying the fire.

I'm sharing a few photos from the event. It was a complete surprise. Needless to say, I was really touched and so grateful to have this wonderful afternoon with people I love.

Thanks to all of my blogger friends who were with me in spirit and for all of your well wishes. You are all a wonderful group of people. Your thoughts made the day very special.

Happy birthday to me

Today is my birthday. It's not quite as cold as in the photo above, but it is the coldest day of the year thus far.

I'm not planning on ice fishing today. But I will go to the District Al-Anon meeting this morning and then see what the rest of the day holds in store. I used to have a lot of expectations around my birthday. I'm not going to dwell on those today. Instead, I'm going to go with the flow and enjoy what the day has to offer.

I hope that you'll be doing the same.

An interview with God

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled

“My time is eternity”

“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?...”

God answered...

“That they get bored with childhood. They rush to grow up and then long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future.”

“That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine and we were silent for awhile

And then I asked...

“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?”

God replied with a smile

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and it takes many years to heal them.”

“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that there are persons who love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others. But that they must forgive themselves.”

“And to learn that I am here always."

Stick with it

I went to a great meeting on Tuesday evening that really got my thoughts going round and round. The topic was about loss. Most people shared about lost relationships. And how they lost themselves in dealing with alcoholism.

As people were sharing, I thought about how I really didn't realize how much I had lost, until I found myself in this program. I was determined never to be the quitter. I stuck with my wife through some bad times, I stuck with my mother during her depressions and last years, I stuck with my job during many periods of disillusionment, and I stuck with living even when I felt like such a loser.

Many times I've wanted to give up, run away, say I don't care, and move on. Is this a flaw within me that makes me stick things out regardless? Is this my fear of change? I ask myself these questions because I heard in the meeting that people were making decisions that they had put off. They were leaving their marriage, their job, the "safe" place and striking out to get what they wanted.

This topic of loss has made me realize that I stay through thick and thin because I feel a sense of responsibility. I also don't want to hurt other people. I think that I'm still willing to sacrifice what I would like to do for what I actually need to do. These are heavy thoughts for a Thursday.

I'm going to a meeting where maybe the thoughts will get quieter in my head.

Something to think about

I was inspired by an email comment from Mama PJ about a post that she had written with regard to where we find God. It seemed to me that God is found in so many things that we tend to take for granted. The more obvious beautiful things that surround us clearly bring to mind a power greater than ourselves.

Yet, there are many ways to see beauty: the mathematician who sees beauty in differential equations; the artist who sees it in the lines of a human body; the musician who feels it in a vibrato, etc. I think that beauty is all around us if we just stop to look for it. And it occurs in many unlikely places. The following is a story that brings this to mind.
__________________________________________________________________
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule. A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother hurried him along, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The objectives were:

In a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour,
Do we perceive beauty?
Do we stop to appreciate it?
Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

Here is the complete article.

Communication

At the meeting last night a lady shared about how little communication there is with her husband. She said that since he got sober, he didn't talk. She said that talking about their children, their finances, and his sobriety were off limits.

Probably the saddest part that she related was that in going out for dinner at a restaurant, they would sit in silence with the only words spoken being those of the server. They've been married 42 years.

Sadly, I've watched people in restaurants where there was no communication. They sit and eat their meal without even glancing at each other. Or worse, they exchange a look of boredom or anger.

I know that scenario well. During the early days of my wife's sobriety, there wasn't much to say. We were both so angry that communication had a hard edge to it, if there was much to say at all.

My way of communicating with the alcoholic was a pattern that lingered on past its usefulness. Before I learned how to take care of myself, I would either keep quiet, or agree to something just to avoid conflict. And sometimes I would actually try to pick a fight when the resentment boiled over.

What I've since come to understand is that communication depends not so much by what I say but how I say it. The tone of my voice and my facial expression can either open up or slam the door. It's easy to communicate anger without taking responsibility for it. What's hard is to say how I feel with courtesy.

It's helpful that I have a program in which I've learned better ways to communicate what I need. I've learned to not force communication with someone but to listen and appreciate silence. The question of "when will she open up?" has been replaced with "Why do I so desperately need her to?" My happiness isn't based on another so I've learned that not every silence means lack of love or unhappiness.

In order to have communication, I have to allow those that I love to take their time. Maybe all I need to do is reach out my hand or say a simple "I love you." And sometimes I can just be still.

Aches and pains

Here are some random and not so random thoughts on this Monday:

My head is beating like a drum today from a sinus headache. I'm home and going to take some of the over the counter sinus medication to try to get over it. My neck also aches and my rotator cuff strain is acting up. I'm going to check blogs between naps.

I had a good weekend--cozy and relaxing. The moon was awesome. But I get bad dreams whenever there is a full moon, which convinces me of it's pull on the tide within us.

I've enjoyed the relatively warm weather but a deep freeze is coming by the end of the week. Just in time for my real birthday on Jan. 17. Supposedly it was a warm day when I was born.

I would like to be well enough to make a meeting tonight. I'll have to make that decision later. There's a meeting close by that might be easier to reach tonight than the longer drive to my home group.

No one is home right now so I get some time to listen to the house "talk" around me. I can hear the squirrels running across the roof. And the ticking of the big old clock in the gathering room sounds like a metronome.

There are clean flannel sheets on the bed that I'm going to burrow in for a few hours. There is something about soft sheets in winter and the expensive high thread count ones in summer that make sleep peaceful.

See you tomorrow.

The Interview

Shadow sent me five questions to answer as part of an online interview. She answered those that had been sent to her on her site . It's interesting to be asked questions out of the blue, so here are mine and my answers:

1. has a dream or goal you’ve had come true? tell me about it. if not, what are you doing to get it?

My career was actually a goal. I knew when I was a child that I wanted to work in marine science. I was always fascinated by the sea and sea critters. I went fishing with my father who taught me a lot. My mother was also a great teacher of natural history. I worked summers at a nearby marine lab and then went on to graduate school for a master's degree and Ph.D. in oceanography. I've published over 85 manuscripts, been on many national committees, been to fantastic places in the ocean, and have enjoyed a full career in my chosen field. So the goal was fulfilled.

2. you have just turned 21, and you have a picture in your mind of what you want, where you want to go, what you want to become. as your life stands now, has it pretty much realized or is it completely different?

I've pretty much always known what I wanted. And as far as my life now, it has been realized many times over what I thought I would be or do at age 21. I suppose in many ways, my life now has surpassed what I envisioned at age 21. I didn't think that I'd have the great job that I've had, have the "things" in life that I have, or be married for as long as I have. I didn't envision getting married at age 21. I was going to be more of a "free spirit". I suppose in many ways, I'm still that free spirit.

3. do you prefer long hair or short hair, for yourself and your so.
Definitely long hair.

4. you’ve learned to skipper a boat. tell me about one thing you learnt that has been the most helpful.
It's hard to name any one thing. I would have to say that one has to be vigilant and always be mindful of the weather and it's changes. And always have a good engine as a backup.

5. describe your dream girl.
Hmmm....This isn't like buying a car. But I would say that the important traits are being intelligent, compassionate, not afraid of expressing feelings, honest, adventuresome, positive in thought and deed, physically fit, good personal hygiene, and having a sense of self that makes her light up those around her. I think that I've found that.

The Rules

• leave me a comment saying: interview me
• comments with e-mail addresses will not be published to preserve privacy
• i will e-mail you five questions. i get to pick the questions
• you can then answer the questions on your blog
• you should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed
• anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
• it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

Saturday thought

Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.
- Søren Kierkegaard

Friday staff meeting

For some perverse reason, we always have our staff meetings on Friday. Right before the weekend we get all the news that's good and we get all the news that's bad.

In research at the current time, there isn't much good news in terms of funding. I think that marine science is incredibly important but most of the sciences are suffering in terms of budget cuts. Since all the "sheet" hit the fan on the economy, we've taken over a 40% cut in our operating budget. And today's happy little meeting was about possible furloughs and another cut coming. This is the first time that the F word has been brought up, other than many years ago when there was a nationwide recession.

But I have to look at the reality of living in a relatively poor state where education is near last, foreclosures are increasing, and unemployment is high. Under the current scenario worldwide, there isn't going to much emphasis placed on science of the oceans when so many other dire circumstances are occurring. People are interested in saving their homes, their jobs, getting medical care, and feeding the family.

In the big picture, I realize that I'm powerless over all of this. And I do have a lot of happiness for today. I have a job. I enjoy my work. I know that there is much more to be done in this field. And it's Friday which means that I get to spend a couple of days out on the boat breathing in salt air, snuggling by the fire, and going for walks. There are a lot of good things to focus on in this day.

Special places

When I was a kid, there were a couple of special places that I would go to that were my "secret" hideouts. One was in the woods, under some brambles and vines. I used my knife to make a kind of den there and would sit inside enveloped by honeysuckle, muscadine vines, and probably poison ivy. There were also rows of ancient daffodils in the forest because the area used to have many daffodil farms, with some of the hardy remnants still coming up in rows.

I'd pretend that I was an adventurer such as Lewis and Clarke on an expedition to explore the wilderness. Sometimes, I would sneak cigarettes out there and pretend that I was grown up by blowing smoke rings.

Another place that I would go was to a rise that overlooked a large hay field. There were some rolling hills and the hay would wave in the wind. It looked glorious when it was green and also when the hay turned golden. This place was one that took my fancy a bit later than the forest hideout. It was a place where I contemplated the mysteries of being a teenager. I could dream my teenage dreams there without being disturbed. And I could pour out tears of frustration and anger that seemed to be part of my existence at that time.

Like a lot of things, the special places that I went to changed with the times. The forest hideout became a four lane highway. And the hay field became a field of patio homes. Yet, I can still take refuge in my mind's eye by seeing those places the way that they used to be when I was a kid.

Shoulding all over myself

I laugh when I hear someone in a meeting say that they "shoulded" all over themselves. It is funny but such a true statement for so many of us in the program.

I certainly did my share of shoulding. And most of my finger-wagging attitude came because I was angry that my expectations and values weren't being met. And I had no concept at the time about being powerless. I thought that I knew how things should be. The alcoholic had a different attitude.

I listened to a sponsee tell me about his shoulding yesterday. His wife is an active alcoholic, and he told me about his morning conversation. It went something like this:

Him: "You sure are being grumpy this morning."
Her: "Yes, I guess I am. But you seem to not be so happy yourself. What's bothering you?"
Him: "You! You are bothering me. You should cut down on your drinking. You feel bad and then you sit around and mope. You should go out for a walk, do something positive. And you should get some help."

Wow---I remember those conversations. They did nothing but cause a major escalation. We would both end up saying things that were hurtful because I was angry at her drinking and felt it was my job to get her to stop by shaming, blaming and shoulding.

At the time, I didn't understand the concept of powerlessness, acceptance, or minding my own business. I was critical, judgmental and angry. And I probably learned a lot of that from my parents who were judgmental themselves.

Anyway, I talked to the sponsee about how a statement that starts with the word "You" is a controlling statement. And it often contains some form of accusation or judgment. If I feel compelled to make a comment, an "I" statement about my thoughts works much better and feels more honest.

"Thou shalt not should thyself. "
--Anonymous

Long week

It's only Tuesday but it feels like a long week already. I was spoiled from having so many days at home. And it doesn't help that my wife reminded me this morning how great retirement is. She said in a teasing way, "You ought to try it."

I've been thinking about retirement. I'll be pretty young when I retire. And I definitely don't want to sit around, watch TV, or complete endless lists of things that need to be done. I gave up the lists a while ago. I'm living on more of an "ad hoc" basic these days. And that feels good.

Anyway, I do make plans when it comes to work. I have to do that with my job as a department head. Reality is that I want to live one day at a time but also need to give consideration to career plans.

So this brings me to an idea that I've hatched. I'm thinking about submitting a proposal to be a Waterkeeper for some rivers in the southern part of the state. It's a non-profit group, the Waterkeeper Alliance, and acts as a watchdog for the waterways. I know the local Waterkeeper for the Harbor and it sounds like an ideal "volunteer" job for me.

There are lots of reasons to want to monitor the rivers and work to keep them at status quo or better. Here are just a few of those reasons:






You get the picture(s) right?

Finally, this is what I'm grateful for today:

• Thankful for a few days of warmer than usual temperatures
• Grateful for some good sharing at my home group meeting last night where we talked about humility
• Grateful that I no longer feel the need to let arrogance block me from others
• Grateful for another day in which I meet with a sponsee tonight and then go to a meeting
• Grateful for looking out a picture window for 28 years and seeing the Harbor and the city in the distance.
  

Have a good Tuesday everyone.

Keep coming back?

I was reading Mary Christine's blog entry "But what if you were a newcomer?" It's a great post about what each of us takes away from a meeting. And that people hear things differently. She told her story at a meeting and was greeted with a lot of praise afterwards. I like what she said about not liking the praise because it isn't about accolades or how great a public speaker a person is. For me it's about sharing my experience, strength and hope from the heart.

I have told my story several times at various meetings. And I've been asked to tell it at two open AA meetings. Each time has been different. And each time I've talked more about recovery.

I felt very awkward the first time that I told it at an Al-Anon meeting. It was my first anniversary. I was finding that this group, where I had first come to a meeting, was mostly filled with over 20 sponsees of one person. I wasn't one of the sponsees.

My sponsor thought that it would be good for me to share my story at this meeting. Call it karma or my gut feeling, but I really didn't want to share my story there. I had seen evidence of personalities dominating over principles and felt uncomfortable. But I decided to put my feelings aside and do what I've done for much of my life--please others.

The story I shared still had a lot of pain in it. I hadn't finished with the steps. And at the end I shared something that I thought summarized what I was working toward.

I caught some eye rolls between the "leader" and others. I was asked to provide the summary part in writing. I later heard that the "leader" said that what I talked about came from the Big Book.

All of this was painful. And yet it strengthened my resolve to work the program. It made me more aware of Traditions Two and Twelve. And it made me see something in me that didn't like criticism, control or surrender.

I think at that point though, I made a decision to go to other meetings. I went back a few more months but eventually stopped going to that meeting all together. I see people from that meeting, and they are glad to see me and ask me to come back. Maybe I will go again some time.

The message here though is that if you are a newcomer (or someone with any amount of time) and you aren't comfortable about a meeting, try others. It's not a reason to give up on the program if you don't like the meeting. I'm glad that I kept going to meetings, worked on what I was feeling, made a decision to look at my character defects, and learned to appreciate every story that I hear.

Scenes from the weekend

We spent Saturday going out to the island anchorage in a heavy fog. It was calm though and made for enjoyable sleeping. Being in the fog is so disorienting but with GPS we were able to navigate without problems. It was a lot of fun and really peaceful.

We didn't get up until after 9 AM. Then we rowed the dinghy to shore, walked on the beach, and made a fire. After enjoying that for a few hours, we went back to Compass Rose for a great breakfast of steak, eggs, and grits.

Here are some photos from the weekend.




Tomorrow is back to a full work week. What a great weekend to end the holiday with.

First Foot

I like all these customs that involve a little bit of superstition. I wouldn't think about not having Hoppin' John and collard greens on New Year's Day. The collards are really smelly though and require an airing out of the house after they are cooked. Otherwise, it smells like a barnyard or something worse.

I also like the old traditions like First Footing. In British folk lore, the first foot is the first person to cross the threshold of a home on New Year's Day and is a bringer of good fortune for the coming year.

Although it is acceptable in many places for the first-footer to be a resident of the house, they must not be in the house at the stroke of midnight in order to first-foot (thus going out of the house after midnight and then coming back in to the same house is not considered to be first-footing). The first-foot is traditionally a tall, dark-haired male; a female or fair-haired male are in some places regarded as unlucky.

The first-foot usually brings several gifts, including perhaps a coin, bread, salt, coal, or a drink which respectively represent financial prosperity, food, flavor, warmth, and good cheer. Did you have a first footer at your house?

I think that we messed this up on New Year's Day as I left the house and came back in after midnight. Maybe that's why yesterday, the bad luck started with the internet going out at home. I decided to install a new more powerful router and in the process discovered that the phone jacks weren't active in area where I wanted to install it. So I missed everyone's blogs yesterday and am just now catching up.

All else is going well. And after a few electronic tweaks, the internet is up and going.

Superstitions aside, I'm ever mindful of my powerlessness over people, places and things. Looking forward to this second day of 2009 and all that it has to bring.

Happy New Year

Things that I'm grateful for today:

• A day off today to enjoy the first day of 2009.
• Sleeping in late after staying up past midnight to watch the celebration.
  
• Hoppin' John and collard greens followed by key lime pie for lunch
• Slowly putting away the Christmas decorations and doing it with a method for once
• A crisp, cold day to enjoy a roaring fire
• Meeting with my sponsee who appears to be willing and eager to work the steps.
  

Have a relaxing start to 2009.