I have a thing for knives

I have to confess that I like knives. I've had a collection of pocket knives since I was a kid. My earliest was about an inch long. I can't for the life of me figure out what good an inch long knife is unless it was used as some kind of tooth pick when I was a kid.

My collection grew over the years to include a skinning knife. I used that when my cousin and I decided that we would emulate Daniel Boone. I learned to throw that knife end over end and stick a tree. My cousin and I would hunt squirrel and bring back one or two, skin them, and then fry them up (tastes just like chicken). Anyway, I think that I would do okay on "Survivor" because I can fish, hunt and know how to skin animals. Multi-talented I guess.

Not so many years ago, I went to a Sportsman's show in the capital. Here in the South, a Sportman's show has all manner of things that most people don't want to bring home. There are tacky tee shirts with Confederate flags covering buxom women and Labrador retrievers, LOTS and LOTS of camo stuff, wood crafts with all kinds of things made out of cypress knees, and the "weaponry" section which has stuff like tasers....and....knives. I was drawn to the knives like a fly to honey.

I decided to buy a sleek switch blade. Now, this knife is considered a concealed weapon. It is the old fashioned blade in which you press a button and the blade springs out. I kept it in the little section under the dash board in old Blue. But I always wondered what would happen if the car were searched and the knife discovered. What would I say? "Oh, I just keep this around in case there's a random knife fight". Or, "Never know when I might run over a squirrel and could use a good blade." Ridiculous paranoid stuff about that knife would go through my head.

So when old Blue got totaled in November, I had to remove all my stuff from the car. There wasn't much because I kept the car looking like a car, rather than a place that I sleep. But I found the blade in the little compartment under the dash. I thought for a split second about adding it to new Blue. It might just come in handy if I were driving down a dark alley. Or had to impress some newcomer to Al-Anon. But I decided that I'd take it home and add it to my collection.

Besides, I think that a Swiss Army knife has a lot more practical uses: little scissors for nail cutting, a tooth pick, tweezers, screwdriver (both Philips and flathead), and a few different blades (large and small). That knife, along with the Bosun marlinspike one, are all I need for any situation on the boat. Sic semper paratis.

I'm staying sharp on this Tuesday. Hope that you are too.

Cast a wide net

We went to the memorial service for my wife's sponsor yesterday afternoon. It was a beautiful spring afternoon. The large church was overflowing with people, with the majority being from AA.

It was the Episcopal service of my youth--hymns, prayers, readings. But the joyous part were the testimonials to T. Each person stressed how she had reached out and cast a wide net to help others. That no matter what time of day or night, she could be counted on to be there for those in need. And that her spirit was flowing through those she had helped and those who had helped her.

After the service, we went to the home of my wife's new sponsor. She sponsored T. and is another tough AA'er who believes in singleness of purpose and not a lot of BS when it comes to messing with the program. I enjoyed listening to them talk. I feel sure that my wife has found another strong person to guide her as she continues the journey. It is a beautiful program. And God has seen fit to put us right where we need to be.

We are each handicapped

"Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there's a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see. " Helen Keller

I had the occasion to go to a memorial service for the brother of a friend of mine. The brother was profoundly retarded and had lived nearly all of his 42 years in an institution.

The service was simple with a few moving testimonials. One caregiver talked about how the deceased would cover his face with his hands when she first started to work with him. After a few weeks, she asked him to put his hands down so that she could see his eyes. She was struck by their soulful beauty. She asked him to not hide his eyes when she came in. And even though he had the tested mentality of a one-year old, he would place his hands in his lap when she would come in.

Another caregiver talked about how he sought perfect leaves and pine cones. He would point from his wheel chair towards a leaf, examine it and twirl it, and if it was perfect, he would keep it. He did the same with pine cones. He kept those treasures on a shelf behind his door. Sometimes, he would crawl out of his bed at night and grope his way across the floor to check on his leaves and cones. This was his kind of hobby, his passion.

His father talked about how he wanted to have a normal conversation some day with his son. He said that his son was now free of his wheel chair, and that in the not too distant future, he believed that he would have that conversation with him.

Who knows what this severely disabled man thought about his leaves? Who knows how he communicated? It all seemed so God inspired to me. There are so many things that we don't understand. And in so many ways, we are each handicapped by our fear of that.

Saturdays of yesterday

Ahhhh....Saturday. I slept in until 7:30 AM, had some coffee, made breakfast, and looked out at the greening woods.

It's supposed to rain today and be blustery, but so far, it's just still and overcast. I really like these Saturday mornings. I've said before that they remind me so much of being a kid, waking up to all the great possibilities of the day, and knowing that there isn't any hurry to get anywhere. I really loved those Saturdays when it was warm enough to go outside and play.

On spring Saturdays, my dad would be tilling up the garden and getting ready for his spring planting. Some Saturdays, he would take me fishing for the first run of speckled trout. Those were ritual Saturdays when he would get up at 4 AM, fix a breakfast of Smithfield ham, eggs, biscuits with red-eye gravy. I felt important to be included in those adventures on the water.

My father was a gentleman fisherman. He wore a tie when he fished. We would set out for some of his favorite spots. He taught me about reading the water, looking for shoals, understanding aids to navigation, tying knots, and a host of other things that have served me well in my career.

He never drank on the boat. He was a serious fisherman. There were protocols to maintain. I was always glad to be there because he was happiest on the water. I suppose that was his sanctuary, just as it has become mine.

I don't do much fishing these days. For some reason, I can't stand to see the fish struggle. I don't want to kill anything. Instead, I just like to be on the water, sailing and exploring. Instead of a fishing rod, I take my camera with me wherever I go and try to capture what I see.

And today with the overcast skies seems to be the perfect day to capture some of the beauty of this place that I love.

Have a happy Saturday everyone.

To marry

I can remember my dad talking about marrying two pieces of line together to make a single strong piece.

That double sheet bend that he used is one that I use now on the boat. I think that it's a beautiful knot. And in thinking about how I can marry these pieces of line, it made me think about how I have interwoven myself in this relationship with another.

It means that I have learned to trust another with my heart, that I have stuck around even when things were rough, that I have accepted even when faced with faults, that I have had compassion when everything seemed frayed.

Then there is the marriage that I have embarked upon in this fellowship. It's not all that different from the one with my partner. It's a vow that I've taken to be true to myself. It's one that I have made to be committed to my own well being, to not quit when things get tough, to understand my faults and weak areas, to take care and love myself no matter what others think, and to bind my life with the truth within me.

Like the ropes, I am interweaving my heart and my head, my faith and truth with my fears and failings, my spirit with my reality. And I vow to have and to hold...for better or worse...in sickness and in health...to love and to cherish, till death do us part. That's my vow to myself in this journey of recovery.

So just like the ropes are made twice as strong by their being married together, my life has been made so much stronger too by being committed to this path towards inner peace.

Under the weather

Spring has sprung here. And the flowers, trees and shrubs are all dressed in their best finery. Unfortunately for me, they are all pollinating like crazy which is causing some major sinus headaches for me.

Today, I feel pretty bad so I'm going back to bed in hopes of going into work later. I don't like to be under the weather, especially when the weather is great and the out doors beckons. But today I'm going to do the H.A.L.T. thing and take care of myself.

Enjoy the photos. And enjoy whatever the day brings your way. It's all good in one way or another.

Here are some things that I'm grateful for today:

• That I realize that whatever unpleasantness is happening to me today will eventually pass
• That I can look out the bedroom window and see a riot of color and the beauty of the woods in a thousand shades of green
• Having the dogs put their wet noses on my face this morning
• Having my wife put her warm lips on my face this morning
• Knowing that there is nothing so pressing waiting for me that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
  

Birthday oysters

I promised some photos from the birthday party. It was great weather for an oyster roast so I thought that I'd tell you how we prepare these delectable mollusks down South.

Now, there are people who steam them open in a big pot. But I prefer the following method that is a bit more "purist".

I build a hot fire with oak. Then place a piece of sheet metal on blocks that surround the fire (upper left photo). Once the metal gets good and hot, I add the oysters and then cover them with a couple of pieces of wet burlap.

When the oysters start to gape open (I hear panting), then I wait a few minutes before shoveling them up and putting them on the oyster shucking table.

I like for them to be firm and not runny. I also don't want any crispy critters so the timing is critical. Once they are on the table, then it's shucking time. And if there are pea crabs in with the oysters, then those are a delicacy and eaten as well.

Everyone seemed to enjoy eating oysters, followed by barbecue with all the fixin's, and having a good fire in the outdoor stove on the deck to sit around and talk.

And maybe it's true what those bumper stickers say, "Eat fish--live longer, eat oysters--love longer." Anyway, I like the idea.

Happy Wednesday to you.

More pleasure than pain

"You ask if I would agree to live my 70. or rather 73. years over again? To which I say Yea. I think with you that it is a good world on the whole, that it has been framed on a principle of benevolence . . . . I steer my bark with Hope in the head, leaving Fear astern." Thomas Jefferson (letter to John Adams)

What a great sentiment to say that one would live over again all the years that have gone before. That takes a great deal of optimism and appreciation for life.

There have been times that I haven't wanted to live even a single moment over again. Yet, when the entire span of one's life is stretched out, I have a different picture.

I like to think of my life as a kaleidoscope in which there are many different pieces and parts. Taken separately, these multi-faceted fragments don't look like much. In fact, some are ugly and misshapen. But with a few twists and turns, a shake up or two, something beautiful emerges. And with each twist and turn, there may be a different view.

It's been like that with me. I've had twists and turns and am still spinning on some days. But all in all, I am thankful for all the things that I've experienced. And God willing, I'll be able to experience much more, adding more pieces to this kaleidoscope of life.

Today I'm grateful for:

• The opportunity to be of service to my fellows and God.
• Not worrying about what the future will bring but trusting that whatever there is, I'll be able to accept it.
• Feeling content with what I have in life
• Knowing that there are people who love and care about me
• Being able to love and care about others without holding them hostage
  

March 21

Little did we know that while my wife was celebrating her birthday on Saturday evening, her sponsor left for an eternal journey. We got the call on Sunday morning that T. died peacefully, with her family gathered around her.

T. had been in the fellowship for 25 years. She was plain spoken, no nonsense, and believed in helping other drunks.

And just like that a life is gone. But I believe that the legacy will live on.

And if I go while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me, so you must have faith.
I wait for the time we can soar together again--
Both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart.
I will be there.

He is and always will be.

Author Unknown

Heard in a meeting: Perfection

"We can't even be who we want to be, but we think that we know who everyone else should be."

"Marriage is not capable of perfection."

Today is my wife's birthday. I'm throwing a party here at the house for her tonight. It's not a surprise party but there will be good food: home made barbecue and all the trimmings, roasted oysters (of course) and a special cake.

Marriage may not be perfection, but I'm doing my best to make this day a good one for her.

Photos will be coming tomorrow....

Steps to a new life

I found the following in some papers that I had from a meeting and thought that it was really a good summary of the Twelve Steps.

It feels good (First Step) to get honest about yourself, to admit to yourself what has been objectively totally obvious for a long time to anyone and everyone but yourself: that your life is unmanageable and you have been affected by someone else's drinking. Yes, it feels better to finally acknowledge that, rather than to keep on pretending otherwise.

And then (Second Step) it feels good, by fiat and out thin air, to start telling yourself that by reaching out and asking for help and by availing yourself of resources (call them powers, or even a Higher Power if you will) outside of yourself, you might actually get to the point where you have a decent life and stop hating who you are and learn to appreciate being alive.

And then, what the hell, it feels pretty darn good to (Third Step, and the one that few of us truly figure out how to do) abandon all your fears and worries, and for no good reason simply begin to trust that everything is going to be alright because that is the total opposite of what you’ve been doing for as long as you can remember and look where that got you. So you search inside yourself for some basis of feeling that things are going to be OK, and you begin to let go of your chronic and acute anxiety. You learn to trust. And to that end, you fashion some conception, any conception, of a "Higher Power" you can trust in and seek guidance from (which for purposes of convenience and because ultimately it feels silly to do otherwise you end up calling "God").

Getting back to that honesty thing again, even though it is enormously frightening and difficult to do so, it ultimately feels truly fantastic to (in the Fourth and Fifth Steps) take a long hard look at what you are as a human being, and to identify the many aspects of your personality and mentality that have played a causative role in producing so much of your unhappiness, and seeing how you could begin to respond to the situations you find yourself in in a different way, a way that is consistent with taking responsibility for who you are and how you are going to experience life, and to go through all this with another person.

And then (in the Sixth and Seventh Steps) there’s humility, and recognizing that as much as you want and need to change and grow out of and away from the very unhealthy propensities of personality you’ve identified, you’re never going to be able to completely do so and certainly not on the basis of your own individual resources.

Followed by (in the Eighth and Ninth Steps) facing up to the harm you’ve caused others, and acknowledging those wrongs to the people you’ve harmed.

And then (Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Steps) maintaining that honesty, hope, trust, responsibility, humility, and reliance on a "power" other than yourself while seeking to be helpful, kind, loving and tolerant of others for the rest of your life.

Back home

I made it back home and am happy to be here. My meeting went well, although I was really busy for the two days that I was away.

I feel as if I have a lot of catching up to do on blogs. It's funny how much I have found that I miss reading what is going on with each person and what new insights are there to be shared. I'm always hopeful that there haven't been any major "meltdowns" while I've been away from the computer.

Tonight I'm tired and wanting to get some sleep after the drive and a day at work. I have just enough time for a gratitude list. Here are some things for which I'm grateful today:

1. All the various shades of green that marked my route as I drove. So much tender green and so many signs of new growth.
2. That my new growth continues in spite of many years of dormancy.
3. That I can sense the sap rising in more ways than one.
4. That this part of the earth is gearing up for a major case of spring fever.
4. That I can play hookie by signing out for a vacation day and not get a dirty look.
5. That spring brings out a burst of energy and all kinds of flights of fancy.

Changed attitudes

I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly intend to give it my best to live life with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. No matter how tough things tend to be, I know that there will be hope and optimism shared here and at meetings. I thank all of you bloggers for that.

I have often used an old defense mechanism from my childhood to re-create a world that was happy outwardly. No matter what was going on around me, I could find a way to get through the tough times and survive what seemed unbearable.

Today, that isn't so. It doesn't have to be. Al-Anon is a program of "changed attitudes." If I work the program, my life is more about acting on behalf of myself rather than reacting to the actions and behaviors of others. I can regard my life since Al-Anon as a blank canvas on which I can begin painting again at any time.

The choices are mine as to what I envision. I can create a new reality based on the truths I've learned about myself and not what I think the truth of others might be. I talked to a sponsee about that at our noon meeting today. Others have their own truths. I have mine that comes from within and from the unconditional love and support of myHigher Power.

I've learned these truths by listening in meetings, talking to my sponsor, and by risking to try new experiences and applying what I learned through the steps. For me at least, this is how I learned what I liked and didn't, what I was deserving of and when I was taking less than what I deserved.

Knowing my higher power is always there to ask for help as are those in this program is a very positive force in my life. So....even though I once wondered how people in Al-Anon ever got to that place of feeling serene with just an occasional slip, today I know or at least believe that a combination of what I've written above has brought me to that place too.

I am trying to look at life as one big ball of imperfect humanity of which I am a part. Working the program has helped me find humor in even the worst situations because .......well, there's no denying that some things are just funny (maybe a little more so when its over and I've gotten through it).

All I know is that building on the negativity and the miserable aspects of a situation only digs a deeper hole for me. Staying hopeful and looking to build on constructive possibilities, like what was learned from an uncomfortable experience, seems like a better bet than going into a downward spiral of self-pity. It doesn't mean I change the facts, it doesn't mean deciding everyone is a good person and not taking care of myself; rather, it means that I have an open mind when listening to others and that I ask my HP to help me identify my real feelings and to be true to myself.

I'm off to a work meeting out of state. I'll check back in when I can. Have a good day everyone.

Weekend fun

This was a good weekend. I'm tired today but just because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I took several naps yesterday on the boat but can't seem to sleep much during the night because I awake to every sound when I'm on the water.

Anyway, we all had a good time. It was foggy on Saturday and Sunday morning. I really like being in the fog. It's almost primeval. The fog blocks out all signs of civilization and one can wonder what it was like before there was a city nearby.

The campfire on Saturday evening was really nice. We roasted hot dogs and used smoke to keep the gnats away. Those "no-seeums" are out and since there was little breeze, it was hard to get away from them.

I think that we needed a get-away after the past week. And we visited my wife's sponsor for a short period on Friday. She was in and out but seemed to be in no pain and recognized my wife. When I went in, she was sleeping peacefully. We left when the attorney came by to take care of business. The Hospice facility is beautiful and the staff is so kind. It made us both feel better to know that she is in such a nice place and seems peaceful.

"Since death is certain, the real question is. How shall we live? By pursuing recovery and spiritual growth we have chosen to live more fully and to use our energies well. We live with commitment to our highest values. We stay in tune with our inner voice to help us make choices. We play, we love, and we celebrate the miracle of life every day, not because there is no grief, but because life is precious and time is limited." from Touchstones.

Heard in a meeting

Heard in a meeting:

"Do you know the difference between a wise man and a know-it-all? They know the same amount. The difference is that the wise man waits until he's asked to share what he knows."

"Forgive means the first one to stick his hand out--to give."

Thinking positively

The natural flight of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope."
- Samuel Johnson -

I went to a good meeting yesterday. The topic was on being positive which was something that I needed to hear and share about.

I am a positive person but my exuberance for life can be a bit much at times. As one person shared yesterday, "Syd, I hated to be around people like you before I came into the program. I had nothing but negative thoughts and didn't want to be reminded of anything positive."

If I get too optimistic about life, then I start to build those expectations. And expectations lead to disappointment and then resentment. These are things that I know. And by understanding what is going on, there comes enlightenment about the triggers for my behavior.

I know that I would rather be optimistic than negative in outlook. But I also don't ascribe to the Pollyanna effect in which my optimism denies reality. I know I am not blind to bad situations. I don't try to turn the facts around to make things seem happy.

For me, actions speak louder than words. My wife is sober. I'm grateful. She doesn't believe in a Higher Power and has worked Step One and the second half of Step Twelve. I can't do much about that. I accept that she still has the disease of alcoholism.

I have been accused of not trusting her totally. I guess in a "normal" situation, I would be able to trust her. But ours is not a normal situation because one of us is an alcoholic and the other one has been severely affected by alcoholism. I know that her intentions are good. It does no good to build expectations that can't be met. Or to punish each other for unfulfilled promises. I know that we have each punished ourselves enough on our own.

So, as I've written before, the program takes practice. And here is what I keep practicing:

• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
  
• Not to stuff my feelings.
  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.
  
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.
  
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
  
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.
  

Tangled up and bearing a load

Thanks for your comments yesterday. It has been an interesting 24 hours. I've gone from feeling sad and reflective to having moments of pure joy.

Today I feel a bit used up. Like the photo shows, I am tangled up in my own thinking and bearing a load that I need help carrying.

Suffice to say that my own character defects have been pointed out to me and that I am smarting from being called controlling. Maybe that's what I am. I know that I have a real fear of rejection. So maybe underneath it all, I do want certain things to happen or have certain expectations, and have trust issues.

It just bugs me when my own defects are pointed out while the alcoholic does not acknowledge her own defects. I realize that as hard as I try, there are still some expectations that creep into this relationship.

That seems to be particularly true when things have been going so well for a while. I let my guard down and feel so much love. That's when it seems that I forget that placing so much love on another can be a burden for them. And maybe the love becomes a box.

I'm willing to concede that I make slips. That's why I need Al-Anon and continue to go to a lot of meetings. I am working on changing a behavior that has deep roots. But I also wonder at whether the controlling is all me. Sometimes it seems that there is also controlling that is done in a relationship through defensive behavior or through evasive actions.

I've read that couples can become locked in a power struggle that is reminiscent of a parent/child interaction. One person may be the child and the other the critical parent. If the childlike behavior occurs, then the other half will respond as the critical parent. And by acting like the parent, then the other half will act out more as the spoiled child. Once again, here is where it becomes important for each person to take responsibility for their sides in this. And to effect change by stop trying to change each other and change yourself.

These are some heavy musings for today. It just makes me realize how much further there is to go in working on myself. And in letting go of the other person.

Brief today

I have to make this brief. My wife's sponsor has been moved to Hospice and her time remaining appears to be short. We are feeling sad right now. It's uncertain when we'll be able to visit. I wish that there was something happier to write about, but we both know that the cancer has progressed very rapidly.

The news this morning made me think about how fleeting life can be. I am praying that God will hold all the sick and suffering in his hands and ease their pain.

It's Tuesday already

What a great weekend this was. Saturday was filled with getting the standing rigging up on the boat. It took a bit of maneuvering to get the mast down, fix a couple of electrical problems and then put the new rigging on. We finished that up around 6 PM. Everyone that helped was famished so we went to dinner at the marina and then decided to sleep on the boat there.

The next morning, we sailed out with a good breeze and then eventually headed back into the anchorage off the island. The temperature was near 80 F and after a late lunch we went for a walk on the beach. We eventually found a nice spot out of the wind and laid down on the warm sand and fell asleep in each other's arms. Warmth, love, and a wet dog made it just perfect.

Sunday night we grilled steaks and went to bed early, being gently rocked by the boat. It had been a day full of happiness.

Monday was another beautiful day, so we went for a long walk first thing in the morning, picked up shark's teeth and explored the supposed site of old earthen works on the island. We took off most of our clothes and walked the beach without another person in sight. That's what makes this such a great place to go--everyone leaves and the entire island is deserted. Pure freedom!

We hated to head back in the afternoon. But today is a work day. And civilization, deadlines and commitments were calling. Soon enough, there won't be those things that beckon me back. I can feel the pull of retirement coming and the life of a yachting bum taking hold.

Have a great Tuesday everyone.

A few words of gratitude today:
1. I'm thankful for great weather, good winds, and the feel of spring
2. I'm grateful for a thousand yesterdays of happiness that outweigh any days of unhappiness.
3. I'm happy to have a Higher Power who obviously has some plans yet to come for me.
4. I'm glad that I don't have to guess what those plans are but just be patient as more will be revealed in time.
5. I'm happy that there are many choices of how to live this day. I just need to choose the one that fits me best.

More thoughts

More thoughts from meetings:

"The Reader's Digest version of Al-Anon: Get a Life."

"Focus on friendship with your partner. It doesn't require effort (no measuring). It's not about keeping track of give and take. Instead, you are happy to have time together and look forward to your next time together."

Sunday thoughts

Some wise words to think about today:

"I don't care if I ever have another relationship. As soon as you call it a relationship, the measuring stick comes out. A friendship is when we see each other we are happy to be together and we miss each other when we aren't together and look forward to the time we can be together again."

"We suffer from brief enthusiastic encounters. God determines the miracles that last. I see you're still here! Be happy...this is the one thing that has never been brief."

It it doesn't have my name on it....

I've heard this saying in several meetings: "If it doesn't have my name on it, then I won't pick it up." This is a great saying to remind me that I can only deal with things that are my business.

Since being in Al-Anon, I have lost the desire to pick up those things which do not belong to me. It is a very freeing feeling to go about life and not interject myself into the middle of what is going on in other's lives.

I know that I care when things happen to others. In fact, I've spent much of my life caring more about others than I really cared for myself. The difference now is that self-care has become a priority. I can so easily let my compassion for others take me into their world and out of mine. So I am mindful of that.

My wife has had a blow to her serenity lately because her sponsor is dying from lung cancer. This woman has been the back bone of one of the city's AA groups. My wife is dealing with this and has no desire to drink over it. She is planning to "take shifts", along with other AA members, at her sponsor's house as her sickness worsens. She lives alone and the AA community is rallying around. Bless them and bless this woman who has helped my wife through these last two and half years of sobriety.

Have a great Saturday. I'm working on the boat and then going for a long weekend sail. I'll check back when I get back on land and near a computer.

A story inspired by Joshua

"I'm not scared anymore, but I do worry. I don't want to grow up without my Mom. I want to have her here with me forever. I asked her once why God let this happen to us. Know what she told me? She said that God knew we were strong enough to handle it." Joshua

I followed a link to a blog about Christina's struggle with breast cancer. On her blog, she has a post written by her son Joshua. Joshua is a brave young man who has had to deal with fear about his mother's cancer. Yet, he found a way to work through that fear with the help of his family and his own positive attitude.

Reading about Joshua brought back my experience with my own mother and my wife who both had breast cancer. My mother was diagnosed when I was in graduate school. She had a radical mastectomy. I can remember the call from my father telling me that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I remember being worried for her. I remember how we went to see her after she had the surgery and that the right side was bandaged.

Yet, this tiny woman was upbeat and cheerful. She didn't seem worried or concerned. It was as if this was just a little inconvenience for her. She said that she would be up and going to a tea party in another week or so. And because of her attitude, I didn't worry about the outcome but felt assured that everything would be okay.

In my own selfish mind at the time, she had given me permission to go back to school and continue with my studies as if they were the most important thing in the world. And I left my mother to her own introspection about this disease.

It wasn't until much later that I learned how much my mother denied things. She was stoic in all regards and seemed so brave to me, yet in later life, she suffered from severe depression. I wonder now whether she ever had sleepless nights over the breast cancer diagnosis. I wonder whether her bravery was just a mask for denial. And that her brave front was just the sign that I needed to send me as fast as possible back to my studies so that I could sequester myself in my own controlled little world.

Breast cancer came around in my life again when my wife was diagnosed several years ago. Once again there was a stoicism and optimism that made me think that things would be okay. She also had a mastectomy. She went through a long breast reconstruction process. And I know that she cried and was apprehensive. She voiced her worries. I can remember how she would interpret every ache as metastasis, how she would pour over breast cancer books, and how she would follow a number of blogs about the disease.

Finally, we talked about the fact that it might be a good idea to move on. And that focusing on the disease, the survivors and their stories, and the roll call of the dead, may not be the best thing. Maybe that was the role model that I knew from my mother--just take a peek at this once in a while but keep the monster out of sight as much as possible.

Anyway, Joshua's story has made me realize that I needed to write about this. I needed to look back at those times, examine my thoughts, and be thankful that my mother lived a long life after her diagnosis and that my wife is still cancer free. My gratitude is overwhelming.

The Al-Anon Marshal

My home group has several newcomers who are just learning about Al-Anon. They have started to hear things that make some sense. And they are also opening up to share at meetings.

I had the topic for Monday night's meeting. Here's how the meeting went:

• Newcomers are really digging the meeting because they are cross talking all over each other.
• I am the Al-Anon marshal (=chair) for the night so I explained that we don't interrupt each other in meetings. (Translation: let's not have a free-for-all ladies. Remember Tradition One??)
  
• The next share is by a newcomer who said that she chose to leave her active alcoholic for her emotional health.
• The next newcomer sharing asked, "Well, aren't you supposed to stay with someone in sickness and in health? If alcoholism is a disease, then aren't we supposed to stick around with the diseased person, just as we would for a person with cancer? We wouldn't leave them, so why leave the alcoholic?"
  
• I, as the Al-Anon marshal, say with a great deal of sincerity that we aren't here to question the actions of another but to share our own experience, strength and hope. (Translation: Whoa, better break this up before things get nasty!)
• Then another newcomer started quoting biblical scripture.
  
• I'm hoping that the bible quoting will be brief. It was. (Translation: I'm glad that I didn't have to explain that religion is one of the obstacles in Al-Anon).
  
• Another newcomer shared that she was accosted by a drunk fellow in the grocery store. He was "stalking" her, asking for help and said that he was drunk. She wheeled around and said, "I'm Al-Anon. And you stink! Get away from me!"
  
• At this point, the room erupts in laughter.
  
• I am realizing that I'm really not the Al-Anon marshal here. (Translation: I'm deputy to this petite, blonde newcomer who wants to take names and kick ass)
  
• After the laughter died to a chuckle, I manage to mumble something about keeping the number for the AA intergroup handy to give to drunk people who follow (=stalk) us. And that we maintain anonymity (=don't shout Al-Anon at people) via Tradition 12.
  
• Finally, after the meeting ended, I talked to the person who had blown my anonymity by telling my story to a relative. (Translation: I had done a Step 10 and needed to be honest about what was bothering me).
  
• I was glad to get out the door and into my car for a fast get-away.
  

These things happen at meetings. And it seems on this night, the meeting was more about how to have a meeting than about the topic. The chair of the meeting is supposed to make sure that the meeting has some order and that the traditions are upheld.

Newcomers are important to the fellowship. Yet, as Tradition One states, our common welfare comes first. I didn't particularly like the role of having to provide a reminder to the newcomers but maybe it will help not only them but everyone else as well.

As my sponsor said later, it seems that we hit on just about every one of the three obstacles and a few of the traditions. It was a learning experience for all of us. I'm turning in my badge for a few weeks.

In remembrance of Lois

Today is Lois Wilson's birthday. She is the co-founder of Al-Anon and the wife to Bill Wilson.

If you haven't read the book The Lois Wilson Story: When Love is Not Enough (Hazelden Press), I would encourage you to do so. It tells the story of her life and how she stuck by Bill W. through his 17 years of alcoholic drinking. Lois, like so many of us who have lived with an alcoholic, thought that her love could cure his disease.

It's remarkable that she stuck by Bill, always hopeful that he would get better. Even after he was sober, she stayed by his side in spite of his affairs. Theirs wasn't a fairy tale love story. Both Lois and Bill W. had character defects, as do all of us.

But it was what she learned from being with her husband and what she saw in herself and others who were struggling everyday, that caused her to realize that alcoholism is a family disease and that the families and friends of alcoholics needed a program of recovery too.

In remembrance of Lois's birthday, members are asked to participate in a project called 'Leave Hope" on March 4th. This is the project where members "forget" a piece of Al-Anon literature in a public place where it will be found, such as a doctor's office, work, library, grocery store, etc. Basically, it can be a piece of literature from your meeting, past issues of the Forum, or any CAL that you choose. We're encouraged to leave the District phone number on the literature.

Maybe some one who needs help in dealing with the effects of alcoholism will pick up a pamphlet and make a phone call that will change their life.

Here's to Scribblers

TrailBoss gave me an award as a Superior Scribbler. She said that I was cool because I wrote about boat things. Well, yeah, I guess I do write quite a bit about boat stuff. It's a happy part of my life. And then sometimes I have those moments when I get serious and write about my experience, strength and hope. I've always enjoyed scribbling. So thanks for the award. I'll keep scribbling away at whatever comes to mind. I'm not sure how superior it all is but it's an honest go at sharing.

I'm supposed to pass this award along to five others who I think scribble a lot in a superior manner. Ha! Just kidding on that. There are so many of us who scribble away on blogs that it's hard to pick five. How am I supposed to do that? After losing sleep over this, I made a decision to nominate the following who I think scribble in a diverse and superior manner:

1. Michael across the pond who writes about his work, his life, his bowling, his brick toting mates, and his sobriety. Michael has a lot of talents when it comes to writing: blog, newsletters, programming code, etc.

2. Findon, another fellow from England, who expresses himself eloquently. His posts make me think about so much. He writes about his sobriety and how life is for him with his lovely wife. His writing is often poignant and intellectual.

3. Steve is a superior scribbler for sure. He writes blogs and blongs. (I had never heard the word blong until Steve wrote about it). In his writing, suffice to say that he has some great information to share about his sobriety and his long-time experience with music, people, motorcycles, and his lovely wife.

4. Mrs. Hen is a stream of consciousness scribbler. She writes about what is going on with her heart and her head. She has many interesting things to write about including her experience in Al-Anon.

5. Judith is a professional scribbler. She has written a couple of novels and is working to publish one. Her writing is intelligent, thought-provoking and honest.

As with much of life, there are a few rules. But I don't much like rules and I'm not an enforcer so you can play if you want. If you do play, nominate 5 other scribblers. Tell them about the award and link to them. I think that's about it.

Happy scribbling everyone.

Are the steps the only way?

I enjoyed hosting the chat last night. There were quite a few bloggers on there. Thanks for stopping by. I enjoyed it.

One of the most interesting questions that came up for me was whether the steps were the only way.

I immediately thought "Yes". But then I realized that I needed to qualify that by saying, "Yes, for me they are a proven way." But the steps may not be the only way for others.

So I went back to the source. The Big Book states, "Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery.."
And further reading revealed that "It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism." (Bill W. in "A.A. Comes of Age", page 232.). Bill W. repeatedly said that "our hats are off to you if you can find a better way" and "If [those seeking a different cure] can do better by other means, we are glad." (Bill W. in Concept XII).

For me as an Al-Anon member, the 12 steps are a guideline for change. I took these steps and found a process to focus on myself, seek the help of others, clean up the problems in my life, and share the process with others. These steps are not the only way that people can change, but the key to recovery is change.

Many people resist any kind of change. They don't want to do the work, or they think it will be too painful. Trying to quit an addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, or other people, without replacing that addiction with healthier things doesn't work. The active addiction masks and covers up the underlying problems. Without the mask, the problems become glaring and painful. There are not many choices when anyone gets to that point. They can live with the problems (pain), begin to change the problems(recovery), or go back to masking the problems (addiction).

Each person must make the choice about how they are going to deal with this. I needed a guideline for change. I'd been to therapists, but it wasn't until doing the 12 steps that I started to move into recovery.

I didn't want to live with the pain anymore. So the pain of changing became less than the pain of remaining in my problems. And from what I've heard in meetings, those who work the steps find that something wonderful and remarkable occurs. I found that I could overcome hopelessness, despair, dishonesty, loneliness, anger, resentment, fear, impatience, arrogance, intolerance, and a host of other defects that gave rise to great suffering.

So the 12 steps were a way for me to undergo cognitive restructuring. I'm sure that working the steps won't succeed in every individual. But by doing the Steps, I took myself through a new way of thinking, feeling, seeing and acting. And in doing so, I found aspects of myself that had been hidden and that were much more vital than I had known before.

I don’t know of any better alternative for me. May you find your own way.

One word answers today

Dave suggested doing this. Give a one word answer to the following questions. Some are thought-provoking. Try it on your blog.

1. Where is your cell phone? counter
2. Your significant other? wonderful
3. Your hair? brown
4. Your mother? spirit
5. Your father? gone
6. Your favorite thing? boat
7. Your dream last night? perplexing
8. Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your dream/goal? peace
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your fear? rejection
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Charleston
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? mean
15. Muffins? cranberry
16. One of your wish list items? Shannon*
17. Where you grew up? Virginia
18. The last thing you did? undressed
19. What are you wearing? shirt
20. Your TV? Sharp
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? Mac
23. Your life? interesting
24. Your mood? happy
25. Missing someone? yes
26. Your car? BMW
27. Something you’re not wearing? pants
28. Favorite store? bookstore
29. Summer? long
30. Favorite color? black
31. Why did you laugh last? habit
32. Why did you cry last? fear
33. Who will repost this? Shadow
34. A place I go over and over: work
35. Someone who emails me: John
36. Place I would rather be right now: bed

* don't get too excited. A Shannon is a blue-water sailing yacht. Google it and you'll see a boat...really.
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Don't forget the chat tonight on The Second Road starting at 8 PM. It's open topic night. Talk about what's on your mind.