Day One--Road trip

We're heading to Frederickburg, VA today. That will be an 8 hour drive.

I have the IPod connected so that it plays out of the car speakers. There's a lot of music on it. Last night I downloaded speakers who told their story at the roundup I went to. There's about 80 AA speakers, Big Book studies, step studies and several Al-Anon speakers loaded on the IPod.

We generally listen to a few speakers while driving. And we talk about what we've heard. We take turns driving. I have a conference call to do on the way up there. I wish work didn't interfere, but it's only for about an hour.

All being well, we'll get to Fredericksburg in time to walk around the historic town and take a look at Marye's Heights where around 17,000 men were killed in one day. It never ceases to amaze me what we do to one another in the name of war.

I'm looking forward to our journey back "home".

Monday update

After a great extended weekend on the boat from Friday evening through Sunday, it's back to work to a conference today. And then tomorrow I'll be leaving to drive up to the Virginia and Maryland area.

The weekend was great with warm temperatures and a light breeze. Just enough of a breeze to keep the gnats and mosquitoes away. There were long walks on the beach, several naps, good dinners, and lots of reading.

After a winter of relative solitude at our favorite anchorage, the first party groups of the season were out on Saturday. There were probably about 35 boats at the beach. And the afternoon of loud music, horseshoes, bikini clad young women, and lots of beer culminated with loud cheers for a streaker who ran down the beach. I haven't seen anyone streak in a long time and was glad that we were on the sail boat and not on the beach when it happened. Finally, at around 6:30 PM, the party boats left for the day, leaving us alone except for a couple of campers in tents. Peace at last!

The vacation starts tomorrow. There's an obligation to attend a burial at Arlington National Cemetery on Wednesday afternoon. And then we'll travel over to the Eastern shore of Maryland to spend three or four days on Smith Island. It's an isolated island community of watermen. I've been going there for a couple of years in January so this will be the first spring visit. Hopefully, the soft shell crab will be running although it may be a bit early for them. Regardless, we always eat well on Smith Island. From the $2.00 church supper of fried chicken, to oysters and crab, topped off with the 10 layered cakes made by the island women, we never go hungry. It will be good to see some of the islanders that we've made friends with. Another place of relative isolation where we can walk, sleep late, read, and relax without hype.

I may not be able to get internet while on Smith Island. But I'll post some photos and some descriptions of what we've been doing whenever I can.

I hope that all you bloggers are enjoying some spring sights and sounds.

Heard in a meeting

"Fair? Life isn't fair. Get used to it. Now, what was your problem?"


"Most of us can read the writing on the wall, we just assume it's addressed to someone else."


"It is easy to sit up & take notice. What's difficult is standing up and taking action."


"What most of us need is a good kick in the seat of our cants!"

Bloopers from meetings

I haven't heard any of these except for the Twisted Serpent one. I'm sure if these were said unintentionally the room would erupt in laughter. Sometimes the room erupts in laughter when there aren't any bloopers. Yep, we can have a sense of humor....sometimes.


"We will comprehend the word CEMETERY and we will know peace."

"We are wise beyond our beers."

"Step 11. Sought through prayer and MEDICATION to improve
our conscious contact with God as we understood
Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.."

"Many of us exclaimed what an ODOR! I can't go through with it."

"And if you are a member of this group we will give you a silver dollar and Curtis will bore a whore for you."

"Tratition Three - The only requirement for membership is a desire to START drinking."

"Our Leaders Are But Twisted Serpents; They do not govern".

Image credit: http://www.texasdistrict5.com/history-in-photos.htm

This week

"There are two days in the week about which and upon which I never worry... Yesterday and Tomorrow.” Robert Jones Burdette

Well, I hung on through the week, and it's Friday. On this Friday, I'm trying to get a bunch of things done before we head out of town next Tuesday for a week of vacation.

This week I learned that I received an add on to a grant that I have. It's enough money to fund another project that was going to close down due to federal cuts. It's tough in these economic times to get money added on. I'm thankful that my hard-working staff will have a job.

This week, I received copies of the book that I co-authored with other scientists. I'm pleased with it, the layout, the color photos and the content. One of the scientists is an elderly professor who has leukemia and is in poor health. I'm glad that he got to see this book published.

This week, my old dog appears to be doing well. She is eating, trotting along with me for the morning walk and generally seems to be feeling okay. I'm thankful that she's still with me.

This week, I met with three sponsees who get it. Last night, I could feel the intensity of the young man who is a "double winner". He wants peace of mind badly. He is hearing, willing, and yearning. I hope that he enjoys the journey. The fourth sponsee has admitted to not being ready. I told him that I'm available when he is.

This week, I went to several discussion meetings and a step study. I can see how far I've come from the day that I first walked into a meeting. I can look at the newcomer and see the pain. I can talk to the newcomer, give them my phone number, and tell them that "there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened".

This week I laughed, reflected, reunited, regrouped, rested, and reached out. That's a heck of a week.

The opposite of love

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference......." Elie Wiesel

Prayer Girl gave me this award that's about being a friend and propagating more friendships through blogging. That's a neat idea because I never thought that in those years just before I came to Al-Anon that I was much of a friend.

I was mostly indifferent towards people--not really going out of my way to make friends and not really putting a lot of energy into the ones that I had. I didn't hate anyone, but I felt that there were people who didn't like me. I didn't have any factual basis for those thoughts. I would use examples of what I thought were slights to confirm that I was an outsider, a loner, and misunderstood. It was simply another example of the distorted thinking that I wrote about in yesterday's post.

I've always liked people. I enjoy what they have to say, what experiences they have to share. Sometimes it's hard to get through to the real person, but I've found that if I'm real then that helps immensely. And there are times that I still feel misunderstood. But then it helps for me to look at what's behind that feeling, what my role is, and move forward without resentment. And to not be indifferent. Tough to do at times.

This week I've called a sponsee a number of times. He's missed two meetings with me. I wrote him yesterday to tell him that I was thinking of him and hoping that he was okay. I also said that I was available whenever he wanted to get together. I didn't just blow him off with indifference. God hears these things because I got a message from him a few minutes ago telling me that he was sorry for not being in touch, had been swamped, and would see me at the noon meeting. I can accept this and be glad that he is going to a meeting. Funny how when you reach out your hand instead of withdrawing it, good things happen.

So with this award I want to call attention to some new friends that I've made through blogging. These bloggers carry a good message. I'd like for you to read what they have to say, give them a comment, and if you'd like to, keep visiting their site and let them know that you're not indifferent. That's the blogger love buzz.

1. Jim at Alive and Smiling
2. Joe at On a Clear Day
3. Kelly at Ordinary Art
4. Cheryl at Through an Al-Anon Filter
5. Sydney at Anonymous Adventures in Real Life
6. GG at GLog
7. Her Big Sad
8. Christina at Just Letting Go
9. Inky at Poems, Thoughts, Anything Goes
10. Rosalia at Whose Life Am I Living Anyway?
11. Nan at Off the Soapbox

And I know that I've missed some names here. I'm supposed to list 8, but I'll be glad to give you a shout out if you'll let me know. Friends are more than numbers.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

One of the slogans in the program is "Think". Lord knows, I've done enough of that for several people. I think that I've analyzed and re-analyzed so much in my life time and yet the distortions of my thinking have only begun to be clear to me recently.

I've heard distorted thinking called "stinking thinking". I think that this is an apt name because when my thinking loses perspective, it means that my head is firmly stuck up my butt, and I need to get it unstuck. I've also heard this expressed another way: "When I'm in my head, I'm behind enemy lines."

I've had a lot of thought distortions that generally involved an ego that told me I was not liked, not good enough, not having any fun. So I would isolate myself which only made the thinking worse.

I found the following types of distorted thinking to be interesting. These were exercepted from the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. Some are examples of distorted thinking that I've engaged in:

1. All-or-nothing thinking - I see things as black-or-white. I'm focused on perfection and if someone or a situation isn't "perfect" then it's a failure. I've learned that no one or thing is perfect. I'm only human. And today I celebrate my humanness rather than castigating myself.

2. Overgeneralization - I see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when thinking about it. I've learned that "always" and "never" are God words. I only have today and can start the day over any time that I want. There are second chances.

3. Mental Filter - I pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that my vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. I've learned that I may get a critical comment, but I don't have to obsess over it for days while ignoring all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - I reject positive experiences by insisting that they “don’t count.” If I do a good job, then it's okay to feel happy. I don't need to discount good work that I do.

5. Jumping to conclusions - I interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support my conclusion. I need a reality check.

6. Mind Reading : Without checking it out, I arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to me. Another reality check is needed.

7. Projecting: I predict that things will turn out badly. Most of these thoughts start with "What if" and end negatively. I avoid what if statements because the scenarios are endless and never positive.

8. Magnification - I exaggerate the importance of my problems and shortcomings, and minimize the importance of my good qualities. I do an affirmation list to bring out my good qualities.

9. Emotional Reasoning - I assume that my negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. Just because I may feel sad, doesn't mean that I'm hopeless or somehow a second rate person.

10. “Should” statements - I tell myself that things should be the way I expected them to be. This leads to guilt and frustration. I don't want to "should" all over myself. I also try to avoid thoughts that start with "must", "ought", or "have to". Too many parental messages lead to stinking thinking.

11. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. I sometimes attach a negative label to myself when I make a mistake. Labeling is a way that I beat myself up and feed low self-esteem. I don't label others much. I've learned to accept that others have their own way of doing things. My acceptance of them helps me to think constructively rather than destructively. I can be gentle with myself too.

12. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when I hold myself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under my control. Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. I don't like the blame game or play it. I've learned to take my own inventory and not the other persons. As my sponsor says, when I speak negatively of others then it's reflecting what I think about myself.

What I've come to understand through working the program is that these thoughts represent my perception which may be very different from reality. So I need to do a reality check. I ask myself whether the sad, angry, lonely, anxious feelings I'm having are based on fact. Am I trying and convicting someone due to my imagination? How does what I'm thinking compare with the reality of a situation?

In addition to doing a check on the facts, I look at what is going on and what my role is in it. I also know that I can run the thoughts past my sponsor, go to meetings, and ask for spiritual guidance in lifting me out of my miserable thinking.

Just because someone says or does something that is unkind to me, doesn't mean that I need to own it or engage in distorted thinking. I can respond with healthy words and actions or I can choose to simply walk away. The slogan T.H.I.N.K. is a great acronym for any statement that I make: Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind?

How does your garden grow?

It seems we've always had a vegetable garden. There was a large one with corn, strawberries, tomatoes, snap and butter beans, and corn when I was a kid. It was my job to water the tomato plants and pick the beans.

I would haul buckets of water from the house to the garden--back and forth toting a five gallon bucket to keep the plants from dying. I don't remember getting much in the way of allowance for doing that. It was just something that my father told me to do, so I did it. And it wasn't something that I particularly wanted to do.

But his tomato and strawberry plants were his favorites. He would carefully remove the suckers from the tomatoes. He liked the Big Boy and Better Boy varieties. These plants would grow to be over six feet, and he put wire cages around them so that they wouldn't bend or be broken in wind.

I learned about side dressing the tomatoes with fertilizer. And often fish carcasses were buried next to the plants. My father said that they were good for growth. I remember not wanting to pour too much water at a time on a plant because I didn't want to unearth a smelly fish carcass.

The tomato plants are in the garden now. The first suckers have been removed. The lettuce is coming up. The herbs are doing great. I don't have to drag buckets of water these days. There's an irrigation system set up to drip water into the neat rows of wooden boxes that contain the plants.

It's a great sense of satisfaction to see the plants growing and thriving. They do well in spring before the heat of summer starts to get to them.

I like the earthy smell of the garden. There aren't any fish carcasses there. But the smell of sage, rosemary, and sweet basil provide a great aroma. And every time a sucker is pinched off a plant, I smell that pungent tomato plant smell on my fingers. It takes me back in a good way to times past.

It takes work to have a garden. I learned that years ago toting water. There's weeding, fertilizing, checking for insects and blight. But the reward of tasting that first home grown tomato makes it all worthwhile. I think that my father would agree on that and be smiling to see the blooms and the little green fruit starting to appear.

a late Monday post

I had a great Monday because I took the day off. This morning I fixed breakfast of eggs, pancakes, bacon, and grits with fresh squeezed orange juice for my sweet heart. And it was delivered to her in bed.

We enjoyed talking, relaxing and reading the paper until around noon. What a lazy bunch couple we were today. After that we ran a few errands, went to the boat for a while to crawl in the V-berth and snuggle, and then went to a local restaurant for dinner. After that we went to the beach to watch the sunset.

It was too nice a day to think about anything complicated. Computers seemed to be far more technical than what we were feeling today. I really like these days when there is nothing that seems to interrupt the peacefulness and sheer joy of being together. Discovering each other all over again is a great thing.

Great roundup

Every time I go to these roundups, I come away with such a feeling of inspiration that it's hard to describe. I guess it's a comfortable feeling of being around people who seem to also be inspired.

I went to this roundup two years ago. At that time, I hadn't heard any "circuit" speakers. I remember writing at that time that it was hard to listen to the stories being told. I remember when I found it difficult to laugh at anything related to alcohol. I can now laugh at the stories told. And I also tear up over the damage done by alcoholism.

The Al-Anon speaker Debi C. from Alabama talked about so many things that I had experienced. If you ever get a chance to hear her or get a tape by her, do it. She covered the gamut of emotions of a person out of control due to the effects of alcoholism. I could identify with the rages she felt about the alcoholic, the feeling of emptiness, the thoughts of suicide, and the miracle of finding others who had felt the same way in Al-Anon.

After such a beautiful day filled with sunshine, fresh air, and inspiration, I thought that I'd share these gratitudes:

• An awareness of shared experiences and feelings that never cease to amaze me
• That I get what I need to do even if I'm not able to do it all the time
• Forgiving myself for being human
  
• Knowing that I don't have to suffer from delusions or illusions unless I choose to do so
• That I feel a lot of love for those around me without expecting anything in return
  

Heard in a meeting

"When riding the escalator of life, go ahead and put your baggage down. It's coming with you anyway."

"The three things a statement needs to be before you say it: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it truthful?"

"We ask for courage and strength but we don't want the situations that build them."

"There are only two kinds of advice: The kind that you must not give and the kind that no one wants to hear."

Friday happenings

I'm really glad that it's Friday. The weather is perfect to watch the sailboats on the harbor. It's race week in this old city, and there are a lot of people who have come from out of town to sail. A brisk northeast wind is blowing so it should make for a fast course.

I had a good meeting with a sponsee last night. He is making great progress and is so willing to do the work. Another sponsee is stuck in denial. He spends much of his time checking on the phone records of his wife, checking her mileage and generally obsessing over whether she is using or not. She is his Higher Power. I can explain being powerless and living an unmanageable life until I'm blue in the face with this guy. Right now, he's not hearing what I'm saying.

My old dog came home from a few days at the vet's office. She is 14 1/2 and has lived a good long life. But her kidneys are starting to fail. So we are making her comfortable and letting her live out her remaining days as easily as possible. She has been my heart dog so her decline is hard to watch.

This afternoon I'm going to head to an AA roundup located on one of the islands south of here. I went to this roundup a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it. Tonight will be a cookout followed by an AA speaker. The speakers come in from around the country and are quite good. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and learning more.

Today I'm grateful for:

• White sails on blue water that sparkles like diamonds
  
• Having had my good dog friend for so many years.
  
• An opportunity to hear a good speaker this evening who will tell his story
• Sponsees who are willing and ready to do the deal with this program of recovery
• Sponsees who remind me how powerless I am over others
• A wife who is sober and seems happy with her life, her gardens, her home, and her mate.
  

Hope and Faith

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I received this award from cw2smom. I appreciate receiving this award about keeping the Faith and having Hope.

I appreciate being given not only the award but the hope and faith that I received in this program. Before Al-Anon, I was always directing my hope towards the alcoholic. I was hoping that she would stop drinking; I hoped that she loved me; I hoped that someday I would be happy.

I heard in Al-Anon that there was hope for me. And in working the steps, I found that Step Two opened the door to the possibility that I might be able to get restored to sanity. My insanity meant that my emotions were dictated by the alcoholic who was a barometer of what was a right or wrong response. I always felt that I gave the wrong response.

At first, I only shared the pain that was within me because that was all that I knew what to do. I somehow felt that it was okay to let down my defenses and finally admit what a mess I was. If you looked in my eyes at those early meetings, I think that you would have seen emptiness.

At the meetings, I heard that there was HOPE which also means that when we can Help Ourselves Purge the Emptiness, then this program is working. I didn't need to give up hope, in fact I found much more hope than I had ever imagined.

Faith was something that took a little more time. I've come to learn that faith is a feeling that doesn't rest on logical proof or evidence. I have faith in a Higher Power, but I can't prove that Higher Power exists. I believe it though.

I found that in the Third and Eleventh Steps I could look back at my life and see the many ways that my Higher Power has acted on my behalf and walked beside me through many difficult times. I may not have seen or understood the guidance that I received at that time but eventually I developed faith in a Power greater than myself.

I have learned that my Higher Power can—and will—do for me what I cannot do for myself. I know with certainty that my Higher Power is working in my life. All I have to do is to accept things and people as they are. I do not have to stop questioning and trying to understand. Instead, I have come to realize that by doing those things, I am developing a stronger faith.

I have come to know myself better, and it is my ever deepening faith that allows me to be comfortable in my own skin, to show honest compassion, and to be of service.

Broken Hearts

"God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." Hazrat Inayat Khan

I remember the aching heart that I had from breaking up with my first love. It felt as if my heart was being wrenched from me. We were young but the feelings were no less intense.

I think that my heart broke again when my parents died. I was now an orphan with no one standing between me and my own death. I thought at the time that there was no one left who would love me unconditionally.

My heart broke once again when I knew finally that my wife was an alcoholic. When she and I were having so many difficulties, it felt as if nails were being pounded into my heart.

Each time I tried to close up the wound that had been opened. I wanted to somehow put back together the broken pieces of myself. Yet, I knew that I had been changed in my viewpoint, that I no longer really felt free to be as open to others.

I've found that closing myself off and trying to wall away others only makes me more broken. The lesson I've learned is to be open to what comes my way. It may be more heart break, it may be infinite joy and wonderment. It's by opening up to experience those things that I fear most, that I can truly find who I am and celebrate that.

Just some disclosure

Have you ever watched advertisements on TV where there is small print that states some kind of disclosure? It often goes on the screen and then off in a flash. The small print tells about the side effects of medication or the potential dangers from operating machinery.

In Al-Anon, we have something that is similar to "small print". Our closing states, " ..... the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest."

And that goes for what's written in blogs too. The opinions that are expressed here are those that I have. What I write can be serious, funny, sad, irrelevant, irreverent, didactic, colorful, boring, and borderline goofy. I guess it depends on my mood and things that are on my mind. Sometimes, frankly, there is nothing serious on my mind. I'm just floating along in a cloud of wonder. And then other times, I feel compelled to lay down the stuff that eats at my soul.

But whatever I put down here, it's just my opinion. I'm not anyone's Higher Power. I'm an imperfect human being who has experienced the gamut of emotions. I have character defects that are still deeply entrenched which I'm working on. I don't have answers for anyone else. And I don't want to insinuate that I do.

Blogging carries with it a weight of expectation. Or at least that can occur. I don't have any expectations of what others write. I can accept that you have the right to your opinion and that I can "take what I like and leave the rest".

I do that in meetings every time I go. I may listen to someone talk for 10 minutes about how angry she was that her dog was sick and threw up on her $50,000 oriental rug, and the next share may be by someone who is coping with the loss of a long-term relationship due to the disease of alcoholism.

The person sharing about the devaluation of her rug may have in her head that is what has messed with her serenity. While the loss of a relationship is what the other person needs to share. Sharing most certainly includes pleas for help, assistance, understanding, validation, support-- anything relevant to what we're going through. Just like blogging.

People can then employ the slogan "Take what you liked and leave the rest." We won't always agree. And everyone is entitled to opinions. I happen to not like judging others or character assassinations. Those things tend to be major serenity breakers. I've spent enough of my life with broken serenity that I don't need to do that anymore.

I would like to think that others who read here can take away some part of the message that they like. If what I post doesn't hit the mark or is disagreeable, then just "take what you like and leave the rest."

Thanks. Now back to my regularly scheduled program.

My father's friend Jimmy

Jimmy was a good friend of my dad's. He was his main fishing buddy. And he was a relapsing alcoholic.

Jimmy worked as a butcher in the local A & P. He would chop up meat into various cuts on the well worn butcher's block while standing on a saw dust floor.

He was from a community of watermen who lived near New Point Light in Virginia. And he had retained the accent of the watermen. He talked fast and laughed a lot. Jimmy had a number of funny sayings. If he got a big fish on the line and landed it, he would say "Whew, boy, that made me nervous as a whore in church." And if someone was especially talkative, he would say, "That ole fella could talk the legs off an iron pot."

Jimmy would wear an old plaid shirt with a tie when he fished. He would also wear hip boots with the tops turned down, in the style of the Virginia waterman. And he topped it all off with an old brown fedora. He and my father were gentlemanly rakish in their appearance, I thought.

My father cared about his friend. But he was also serious about fishing. A couple of times my dad would come back home after he had gone to pick up Jimmy. Jimmy would be drunk early in the morning and that was something that my father didn't want to deal with. He would go visit Jimmy after he got out of being "dried out". He would have hopes that Jimmy would kick the sauce and be okay.

Instead, Jimmy would be sober for a while and things would go well, but eventually, he would go back to drinking again. He was still drinking when he died. His wife stuck with him for the duration, although at what a cost to her I now wonder.

I also wonder whether my father was in denial about his own drinking. Maybe he thought that because he never lost a job, missed work, or went to detox that he didn't have a problem. For some reason, thinking about Jimmy, his quick humor and smiling eyes, makes me sad.

Easter morning

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born. ~Alice Freeman Palmer

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing. ~Albert Laighton

Well pleaseth me the sweet time of Easter
That maketh the leaf and the flower come out. ~Bertran de Born

Heard in a meeting

"If it is good, it will stay. If it is bad, it will go away. That goes for any person, any attitude. It is a matter of the heart. Light your little corner and you will be amazed at what is attracted to the light."


"Practice being while becoming."


"Did you ever wonder what your life would be like? Well, this is it. The fantasy is over. Now get to living."

Night sounds of spring

Last night there was a wonderful full moon. The spring peepers were out making their chirping sounds as the wind gently rustled through the leaves on the trees.

The spring peepers are the first harbingers of spring, along with the greening of the marsh, the budding of the trees, the blooming of wisteria, azaleas, and Confederate jessamine.

But last night, I heard one of the most haunting sounds for me. It was Chuck Will's Widow calling over and over in a repetitive song. For me, this night bird brings back memories of misty fields of hay at dusk, being called in for dinner and school books, sitting on the porch listening to soft music and soft voices, and smelling freshly mowed grass. The melancholy sound is relaxing, lulling me to relax on this peaceful and calm night. Listen to them calling now.


I wonder whether the kids with IPods hear any of these sounds. I wonder whether the bird populations will sustain as more land becomes developed, making habitat and food become scarce. I think how grateful I am to have these birds calling and telling me that spring has arrived.

For Pam

Just sayin', Pamma-Lamma-Ding-Dong.

Love, Mr. Science Pants.

Agitations

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.' "
(p. 87-8 BB)

There's been some drama with sponsees lately. One that just started with me a week ago has had the hardest go of it. He is in turmoil from living with a crack addict and finally asked her to leave. He is starting to take care of himself, although the focus hasn't shifted yet from the addict to himself.

Another sponsee is working his way out of the darkness into the light. He is doing this because the quote from the BB above has started to make sense. (Note: I use the Big Book quite a lot with sponsees. There is so much that is applicable to those of us who have bad thinking and not bad drinking).

I see in both of these men the agitation and confusion that alcoholism has brought into their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to fight back when agitated. But this has only brought more suffering and damage to themselves. I found that agitation itself is dark. I can't sleep when agitated; I can't think clearly; I'm not spiritual--in short, I'm a mess.

I've taken something that someone has said to me and worried with it until I was beyond agitated. My mind will ask "What did they mean? What if they meant this? What should I do now?" I've projected and built up some scenarios that would likely never come true. But with my stinking thinking, I made them seem true.

But if I can just take a breath, pause, and quit re-examining some thought over and over, then I have a chance to get into the light. I can see that the light is starting to creep into the hearts and minds of these sponsees. I think when I was ready to be willing, to trust and to feel some gratitude, that's when I was able to move from the dark agitation into the light.

"When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move."
The Secret of the Golden Flower

If I reach for dark revelations,
they're always there to find,
But too often dark protestations
defend dark recesses found only in my mind.

Yin and Yang, dark and light interdigitate
in myriad, moving complexes so real.
I reach for the light to illuminate
and hide from the dark that I feel.
Jody Hopkins

Control

What happens when an alcoholic and a control freak meet?
They marry each other.

This old joke evokes some laughter, but there is a lot of truth in this. I have been a person who had the illusion of being in control for most of my life. I thought that my way of thinking was the right way. I thought that I had the answers if only those people in my life would listen. It was just an illusion and the unmanageability of my thinking.

I think that control can either be used like a sledgehammer to bludgeon another or it can be much more subtle and insidious. I don't use the sledgehammer approach much any more, but I know that I still use more subtle manipulations that I try to disguise as caring and love.

Control is a really selfish character defect. I'm not allowing the other person the dignity to make decisions. For me, controlling behavior stems from fears that I have. I want to manipulate people into situations that calm these fears. And my ego is fully in charge of me when I'm controlling which means that I'm Edging God Out.

When I make plans for others, I'm not living in the present. I'm projecting into the future. Life has a flow and pattern and will flow along for another without my interference. I am an obstruction in the stream, forcing the flow to go around me when I'm in the way. I need to get out of the way and stop interrupting and trying to change life for others.

In complete control, pretending control,
with dignified authority, we are charlatans.
Or maybe just a goat's-hair brush in a painter's hand.
We have no idea what we are.

Rumi

Fourth step meeting

We had a great meeting on Step Four last night at my home group. We discussed these points about this step:

• In approaching Step 4 after working Steps 1, 2, and 3, I am not able to look inside myself and make a list of things that I find positive and wonderful about myself.
• In approaching Step 4, I am now able to look inside myself and make a list of negative things that I have thought about myself.
• I am now able to look inside myself and see the things that I have done that have hurt others, no matter how small the incident.
• I am now willing to be honest about my attitude--whenever negative thoughts trigger resentments within my spirit.
• I am now able to see the things I have done that have caused other grief, even though it may have been only a small part.
  
• I am willing to write down a list of positive things about myself.
• I am now willing to be honest and list my shortcomings and character defects.
• I am now willing to make a simple list of things about myself that I consider good and not so good.
• I am willing to acknowledge that working this step will set me free from the obsession of having made bad choices or errors in judgment.
• I can now acknowledge that this inventory is merely a list of things about myself and that I can talk honestly about them and put them behind me as part of my past.
  

I learned from doing my Step Four that I was really hard on myself. I know that I need to be gentle with myself now. My defects ran my life, but by facing my fears and resentments, they seemed to loosen their hold on me. I recognize my defects and can work on them.

I needed this meeting last night. I had been feeling anxious yesterday. I heard one of the members share last night that her life is filled with contentment and peace. I wasn't filled with that last night and acknowledged my feelings. It felt good to talk about my fears.

And like a miracle, this morning I felt relieved of my anxiety. Maybe it was sharing about what was bothering me. Maybe it was getting the rest that I needed last night. Maybe it was the prayer that I said before sleeping. I'm just grateful to be in a better place today.

Monday, Monday

Well, here is the traffic that I had to dodge on Saturday to meet with a sponsee. Those are 37,000 + runners heading into the city along the route that I use to get to where I needed to be.

I've run the "Bridge Run" before but didn't this year. It's the 3rd largest 10 K in the country and this year an Ethiopian took first. Usually, the Kenyans win and have had a streak going for years. I hope to see some of the running bloggers here sometime. Great scenery, great hospitality, and a great run.

Anyway, I was 15 minutes late getting to my sponsee but we talked. He knew what was happening because the returning runners were filing past the restaurant in droves. We talked for nearly two hours and decided to meet up again on Thursday.

I liked his enthusiasm. He's not that long in the AA fellowship. So I explained that I could guide him through the Al-Anon steps but that his sobriety and his AA sponsor were his priorities. I sense an urgency in him and a desire to work the program. But I want to make sure that he keeps the focus on AA.

The rest of Saturday I worked on the boat, cleaning out the bilges and doing some mildew removal. Then I went to dinner at the home of the parents of a good friend of mine. They seem to enjoy my visits. And I tend to outstay my welcome because we ended up watching two movies. I left their house, with the dad snoring on the couch, around 12:45 AM. And then back to the boat for some much needed sleep.

Sunday was a sleep in day, followed by a lot of reading and some catching up on journal writing. I can't hang in there for late nights anymore. They make me "rest broken".

Tonight's home group. I'm glad to have had a good night's sleep last night. And this week is a full work week.

Have a good Monday. I think that I can trust this day.

Needing support

Doris (RiverPoet) over at Poetic License lost her only daughter yesterday. I know that such a loss is beyond words. Yet, I also know how supportive you bloggers are. Please stop by and write a few words to her.

My gratitude list for today:
1. that I feel compassion and caring for people, even though those things can also be my Achilles heel.
2. that I have another day and another chance to do God's will.
3. that I'm having coffee with a young man this morning who reached out for help the other night.
4. that I like to listen more than I like to talk.
5. that I'm not tempted to think that I have anyone else's answers.

"You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life. . . You were made with a purpose." Og Mandino

Darting about

"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through". Bob Dylan

“Wit is a treacherous dart. It is perhaps the only weapon with which it is possible to stab oneself in one's own back.” Geoffrey Bocca

Shadow and Inky gave me the Premio Dardos (Top Dart) award. Now, don't get the letters confused on the second part of that name. It clearly says Dart. And it's an award for those that "transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write". Wow--that's a lot of good stuff to consider when writing posts. I just like to think that I transmit what's on my mind.

Anyway, I appreciate being considered as a Top Dart. Maybe this means that my aim is sharp, straight and true. That would be a good thing.

I'm also darting about a bit on this Friday. Here are some things that I'm thinking today:

• That this program and what it's done for me have put some great people in my life.
  
• I'm going to meet with two of them today, both sponsees.
  
• These sponsees are both on Step One which is an essential one to understand.
  
• Being powerless doesn't mean that I can take my power back anytime I want.
  
• I'm glad that I was awake and coherent enough to talk with someone from the program who called me late last night with some heavy stuff on their mind.
  
• That a fellow blogger who had a bad slip a few days ago is still thinking that he's in charge
• That it's easy for the alcoholic in my life to take back her will and drink.
  
• It's a fine line that we each walk between grace and destruction.
  

Have a good day out there.

My rejection saga

To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball.
--Janis Ian

I've been writing about a lot of non-recovery fun stuff for the past couple of days. So today I decided to get back to the "heavy" stuff, even though my heart is light on this rainy day.

Heather actually asked me to write about rejection and abandonment from my experience. So that's what I'm blogging on today.

This may be a bit long because rejection is an early issue for me. It started probably as something innocuous. But then it grew, became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and took on a life of its own.

I don't know the age when I started to feel rejection but possibly it happened very early. I remember scoldings from my father. I remember being singled out by a teacher to stand in front of the entire lunchroom in second grade. I remember other school yard rejections. And I remember being dumped by my first love.

These are all pretty normal things though. What I didn't understand is how deeply these things affected me. I've done some reading about fear of abandonment and rejection because these fears form my main character defect.

Evidently, if someone has a few traumatic rejections, then every time their needs aren't met, they may filter feelings through the lens of rejection. That is what I do. Whenever I am in a situation that suggests abandonment or rejection, I start thinking that the worst is going to happen. And surprisingly, it usually does because I drive people away from me.

I have done this in several ways. Probably my favorite is to look to others to validate how lovable I am. Another is to panic and let the fear of rejection smother any love that I had. I've also rejected others first (before they dumped me). So in many ways, I actually created a situation in which what I fear most (rejection) will happen.

So I have tended to fall in love with women who are unavailable emotionally, or who are unreliable with their emotions and aren't capable of loving me the way that I wanted. This is probably why so many of us codies are in relationships with alcoholics.

And I know that these were not random choices for me but a decision at some level to have a relationship with someone who was also feeling lonely, rejected, unaccepted, unappreciated or insecure. In short, I fell in love with my mirror image.

My wife was a party girl. She was about as emotionally slippery as an eel. She could be powerfully passive though and that was the emotional hook for me. For much of our relationship, I never knew what to expect. So I lived in a state of anxiety and fear. I know that I didn't cause the drinking, but I have wondered why she stuck with me when I was such a pain in the ass. Now I know that we were like two magnets drawn to each other.

So the hard part of accepting this about myself has been to acknowledge that if I don't do something about this fear (my no. 1 defect), I'll continue to be drawn to people who will reject and abandon me over and over.

I have learned that others don't define me, I do. I've learned that no one else gets to determine whether I am lovable. Only I do that. I've learned that I have to fill the void within me that wants to believe that I'm not worthy of love. I've learned to make a list of affirmations about myself. I've learned to do things that make me happy and that meet my needs. I've learned to ask for what I need in a healthy way and not in a "hostage taking" way. And I've learned to make amends to those who I harmed through my messed up behavior.

When I consider that my father, my mother, my wife, and my friends have all experienced rejections of their own, I have compassion. I begin to see the truth: that we are each insecure, frightened and unsure at times. And the biggest truth of all is that the God of my understanding loves each of us, no matter how imperfect we are.

April fool or just plain fool?

"April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, although not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family members, enemies, and neighbors or sending them on fool's errand, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible." from Wilkepedia

I've decided that I'm not going to do any hoaxes or jokes today. I can remember doing those April fool jokes many times to my parents. And then later I did them to my wife and close friends. Silly things that made us laugh.

I think that my favorite prank was to place the "fart machine", which was remotely controlled, on a couch or chair behind an unsuspecting person. This worked best when others were in the room (for obvious reasons). Then when some serious discussion started, I would press the button and out would come those pants ripping fart sounds.

The expressions on the people and the person who was the alleged "perpetrator" were hysterical. Most everyone would pretend that they hadn't heard the sound. Just carry on like nothing happened. Then when a second blast came out, people would start to squirm and look embarrassed. By the third "toot", everyone was cracking up.

I'm feeling semi-goofy today but decided that I won't use the fart machine at work or at the wine and cheese reception that I'm going to tonight. So here's what I'm going to do:

• Have a productive day at work
• Meet with a new sponsee at noon
• Go see a friend's art work being displayed at an art reception this evening
• Fix dinner later for my wife
• And...... Make some copies of a paperclip;
  
• Put them into the paper tray of the copier;
  
• Watch as they try to find the paperclip stuck in the printer.

April fool to you.