Heard at a meeting

• Any drunken bum can get into AA, but to get into Al-Anon, you've got to know someone.

• You don't have to like the situation; You just have to like yourself in the situation.

• I should be doing something different. This is an example of self-abuse.

• People act differently when you give them the slightest acknowledgment.

• Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life.

• Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it just means you've
  decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Six happy things

I was tagged by Clean and Crazy to post six unimportant things that make me happy. The lists so far have been great. So here are some things that make me happy. There are so many little things that make me happy. In fact, more of the little things do than the big things. And the ones listed are not totally unimportant though. At least not to me....

1. Seeing my greyhounds play and run; watching them surf in the water at the beach
2. Eating the first tomatoes of the season that came from our garden.
3. Listening to the gurgling of the water garden that we created on our deck. It is right under the bedroom window nearest the bed and is so soothing.
   
4. Having a fair wind, watching the sails fill and listening to the hum of the keel through the water
5. Watching fireworks in the city while I'm anchored with the boat. What a show!
   
6. Snuggling up to watch a movie with our legs and arms entwined.
   

If you want to do this, consider yourself tagged. It's fun to think about those little things that make a person happy.

Have a peaceful Saturday. I'm heading out on the boat. The weather is supposed to be in the lower to mid 80's with sunshine and a fair breeze.

Friday things

I got back home late last night. It was a long day with a lot of discussion on budgets (where to cut a couple of million $) and revising an action plan. So the work wasn't as exhilarating as the day before. I have much more of a "forest" view point than the leaf or twig view. Nonetheless, it was good to be part of this hardworking group.

Now it's Friday, and I'm catching up on a bunch of stuff here at the office. I appreciate all your comments over the past several days. You have provided a lot of heart felt responses. A piece of the equation that I left out, probably because it smacks of "whining" and has ego involved, is that my direct supervisor is a micro-manager who has a controlling and parental style of dealing with people. I don't care for that style, find it oppressive, and toxic to productivity.

I wrote a while ago about having read a book about jerks in the workplace. I've found that the author, Bob Sutton, has a blog that has some thought provoking stuff. And one of the articles on his blog has tips for victims of workplace assholes. I liked his biggest lesson:
"The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to get out as fast as you can. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious disease." Nuff said.

Anyway, it is Friday and that means that, all being well, there's a weekend ahead. Tonight, I'm going to do some Spoleto Festival stuff around town: maybe listen to some live blues, catch a play, have a nice quiet dinner out. And tomorrow I'm planning to head to the boat and enjoy a weekend on the water.

I'm feeling contented and happy. There are always choices in this life. And that opens up so many possibilities. So rather than feeling imprisoned, I feel wide open.

Renewal

It was an intense but good day today. I'm on a panel reviewing proposals for one of the federal agencies. Putting together a good research proposal takes not only technical understanding but an ability to "sell" your idea to a diverse review team. I enjoy the exchange of thoughts and working to build a consensus on a proposal.

I also found that just being here has been a breath of fresh air. It's like a shot in the arm to be around people who have a lot of interest in getting something accomplished and in seeing the best ideas funded. Maybe it was just what I needed this week.

There was a nice get together tonight at the home of the agency director. I've known her for a long time. We talked quite a bit about my leaving my current position and pursuing some other activities in my field. One of the nicest compliments was that I was a "visionary" and that the field would greatly miss my participation. Wow! I haven't heard those words in a while.

So that got me thinking that perhaps I still am not really good at being my own cheer leader. And that some of what has me down about my current position is lack of any kind of encouragement. I know that's what finally got to my wife. She felt that working at the lab was like a "black hole" that sucked the energy out of her.

Is this still my attempt at needing approval and a pat on the back? I think that is part of it. I don't know about you, but I find it difficult to maintain enthusiasm in a situation where there is little positive feedback.

The bottom line is I'm feeling renewed energy and a sense of relief in knowing that I still love this field and have a passion for the work. I just know that I need to change the work environment.

Decisions

After this weekend, followed by coming up to MD for a meeting, I've been doing some thinking about my job. I have a secure position, a senior position, working at a government research lab. I've been in this position for over half my life. At the same place for that long.

I've seen people come and go. And lately it seems that more are going than coming. Not only have most of the people that I started with retired, the feel of the entire lab has changed. There's much more bureaucracy than ever, more paperwork, more time taken up with stuff that has nothing to do with science. More administrators will less vision and willingness to think outside the box.

I remember when I was a new Ph.D. and how I thought that many of the old timers were dinosaurs. I had a big ego and thought that I was quite smart. I vowed that if the work that I was doing ceased to be fun or if I thought that I was no longer as passionate about the work, that I would retire. I'm starting to see that time is here.

I know that I have a year to go before retirement is mandatory. No, I'm not old. I signed up for a program that the state offered which allowed me to not only draw my salary but also my retirement for a period of 5 years. It was a financial no brainer. My wife and I both enrolled at the same time.

She decided that after 3 years of signing on that she had enough. She was sober and wanted more of life than just the job. The job had been her life for so long. It was as if she turned another page when she became sober and in recovery.

The job has been my life for many years. But I have found the same thing happening. Since being in recovery, I find that there are so many other things that I am thinking about. There are so many things that I enjoy and want to do more of. Sailing, art, and photography come to mind. As does working for a conservation group.

I have devoted myself to this career for many years, have spent time in outside conditions that most people wouldn't want to experience, have seen things of wonder that most people will never see, have had accolades, have met great people, have met egocentric butt holes, have seen the environment decline, seen fisheries go belly up, and more and more coastal problems occur.

Quite frankly I'm tired. I'm not tired of nature but tired of the struggle to "make a difference". Have we made a difference? I think in some ways we have. But I think in many other ways the work I'm doing is only indicating what is declining in terms of water quality and species and habitat. I'm not coming up with the solutions, just the problems.

And right now, I am living more in solutions. Maybe that's what recovery has done.

Happy Weekend

It was a wonderful weekend. In fact, it was such a great time that it's hard to describe. It was filled with all manner of happiness. Here are just a few photos to show what a great time we had.

There were lots of boats at the island anchorage during the day but eventually all left, except for a few campers, by early evening. That left us with just the sound of the rain on the cabin roof. The rain was nice to go to sleep with.

As usual, we went for long walks to the jetties, collected shark teeth, read to each other, had some great meals on board, and had time for quite a few naps. After so much rest, it's hard to believe that I'm a bit tired this evening. Mostly I'm still feeling the gentle rocking motion of the boat.

I'm off to a meeting in Maryland for a few days. I'm planning to catch up on blogs and to post some while I'm away. The days will be long though so I probably won't be posting very early in the AM.

Hope that everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day. It was beautiful weather here today.

Heard in a Meeting

You can complain about the same problem three times.
Then you'd better be in the solution.
If you have to talk to more than three people
about the same problem,
you don't want help,
you want attention.


Meetings are an archipelago of sanity
in a lunatic sea.


God doesn't close one door
without opening a better one ~ ~
BUT ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
we've got to get our fingers
out of the closing door. The reason you're in
pain is because you have your fingers
in a door God is trying to close.



There are two kinds of people:
those seeking the truth ~
and those afraid of it .

My serenity is inversely proportional
to my expectations.

Report cards?

I don't think these are for real, but if they are the teachers, they have missed their calling and should have been on Saturday Night Live.
.........................................................................................................

Supposedly, these are comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Will I ever recover?

I don't know that I'll ever "recover" from the effects of alcoholism. I don't know if I am capable of putting all that has happened out of my head. But to tell you the truth, I don't think that I need to measure myself by any yard sticks when it comes to recovery. And the thoughts about the past are valuable reminders of what I don't want to re-enact today.

What I do know is that I've come a long way since being in Al-Anon. I've been able to see the insanity and unmanageability of where I once was. To me that means that I am making progress towards peace and serenity.

I realize more and more that I'm not defining myself as the person who took abuse and wore it like some kind of merit badge. Those were days that felt like being a victim and sinking into self-pity were all there was. I was accepting of my sickness. I don't accept that anymore.

I don't want to be:
less than
beat up on
a problem solver for others
a victim
someone to pity
in denial
angry

Instead today I am:
free to choose
full of life
comfortable with who I am
not willing to settle
a survivor

I may not ever be recovered, but I can see that the journey that I'm on is leading me in that direction.

Hope that you are having a great Friday. I'm off on the boat for a long weekend. I plan to walk on the beach, read, grill some hamburgers and steaks, cook a fabulous breakfast (around noon), take a sea shower, get sand between my toes, and enjoy the fabulous weather that is forecast.

I'll not be around to comment on your blogs for a few days. Stay safe and enjoy doing something that you have a passion for.

Balancing

I remember as a kid playing with my older cousin that we would do some dare devil stuff. One of the games was to see who could walk the "plank" across a shallow ravine. It wasn't really deep, but there was a little stream below with rocks. The "plank" was an old tree that had fallen.

So we would each get up on this log and see who could make it across without falling or losing balance. I didn't like heights so this was a scary game for me. Yet, I wanted to appear cool and okay about the whole thing.

So I'd take a deep breath and start walking. The first steps weren't bad because the log was resting on the bank. It was when I got out into thin air that things got difficult. I could hear the rushing water below and see the potential dangers of rocks and sticks in those waters. I would imagine falling, and I would. After several tries, I found that as long as I would focus on the spot just in front of my feet and not look at the stream below, I could get across the log. I just needed to put one foot in front of the other and not lose my focus.

There are still days that I need to remind myself that it's just one foot in front of the other. And to not focus on the future but just what is right in front of me. And by doing that I am able to keep in balance, face my fears, and make my way.

All is welcome here

Broken hearts and broken wings,
Bring it all and everything.
Bring the song you fear to sing.
All is welcome here.
And even if you broke your vow a thousand times, come anyhow.
We're stepping into the power of now
And all is welcome here.

I stood alone at the gateless gate
Too drunk on love to hesitate
To the winds I cast my fate
And the remnants of my fear
I took a deep breath and I leapt
And I awoke as if I'd never slept
Tears of gratitude I wept
I was welcome here
- Miten

There were three newcomers at the meeting last night. I was asked to give them a welcome to Al-Anon. I like to do that because it's important for them to hear that someone who was broken and had no song to sing, can now feel comfortable and at ease.

I literally ran into my first meeting because the address was wrong on the web site. I went to the old address which was in a housing project. I had no idea where the meeting was but came to the conclusion after wandering around for 10 minutes that it wasn't there. Finally, a lady popped her head out her door to ask me what I was looking for. I told her and she directed me to the Al-Anon meeting place that had been moved down the road a bit.

I didn't hesitate to get into the meeting. I didn't know what to expect. I carried my fears, my shattered dreams, my broken vows, my pain right into the room. And I found that I was welcome.

I can't remember whether I wept tears of gratitude at that meeting, but I know that I felt the tears inside. The gratitude came to me when phone numbers were given to me. And people told me to keep going to meetings because that was where I needed to be. I believed them.

I hope that the newcomers got the message that they are welcome. And the healing of their broken hearts and broken wings can begin.

Being hooked

I have wondered many times why I spent so many years in abusive relationships. After last night's meeting though I believe that I came to understand that I was hooked into the abuse.

Having lived with alcoholics for most of my life, I realize that those who are dry but not working a program of recovery can be more miserable to be around than those who are drinking. I heard someone once say in an Al-Anon meeting that they often wished that their spouse would go back to drinking because at least that was predictable.

But the question that has bothered me is what made me put up with it? I truly was the insane one because I let myself be driven insane by giving all my power to the alcoholic.

I can remember how sullen, withdrawn, moody, and irritable my wife would be. I would then rush in to try to figure out what was "wrong". Of course, she would say that nothing was wrong. So gradually, she became distant and angry, hostile and mean, and I became frustrated, angry, and sad trying to figure out how to restore harmony.

I was sure that there was something much more wrong with us than I could fix, yet I kept trying. And no matter what I'd do, it wasn't the right thing. When she would move away, I'd move forward, and so on. It was an ugly dance. And I became crazier and crazier because I began to believe all the untrue things that she said about us and our relationship.

The insane thing is that I was attracted by someone who had a lot of problems. And not only because I was hoping to fix her but because her problems seemed to be of a greater magnitude than mine. It was important that I find someone who was more maimed than me. Perhaps that would make me feel better. Go figure! A non-recovering alcoholic is negative in thinking. Her pessimism slowly eroded me down until I felt hopeless.

I've read that the irregular emotions of untreated alcoholism tend to hook a co-dependent as surely as an angler playing a fish. In a book entitled, Getting Them Sober, I read that the reason for bonding with someone who gives love inconsistently is that since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it. Therefore, we pay a lot of attention to the alcoholic, watching out for when a morsel of love will be tossed this way. I wanted to not feel rejected, to fill that huge hole within me. And for reasons that sometimes escape me, I chose to seek out a person who had a larger hole than mine to put on a pedestal.

Now I find that within the program, I have friends who speak about solutions rather than problems. And who are not only surviving their losses but are enhancing their psyche. And, the relationship with the recovering person is so much different than it was before. We treat each other with respect and kindness. I don't have to "tip toe" around the keg of dynamite. I have come to not feel anxious about doing things that I like. I no longer have to wait for the crumbs of love to be tossed my way.

I'm off the hook in the best way possible. And it's a much better way to live.

Fellini movie

I'm posting really late today because I've been living in what seems like a Fellini movie for yesterday and much of today. Saturday we went out on the boat for the weekend. We did the usual walk on the beach, sleeping, reading, and talking.

On Sunday, the weather forecast was for a cold front with NE winds to settle into the area by night fall with gale force winds and rain. We decided to motor back rather than to sail since the wind had dropped down to nearly non-existent (calm before the storm?). The sky was black with rain clouds as we headed back to the marina.

We were doing fine until we got within about a 1000 yards from the marina and then the engine quit. So we hoisted the sails and slowly inched our way towards the marina. However, with fighting the tide, we were having difficulty making much headway. I ended up getting in the dinghy and rowing to pull the sailboat to the marina. That's the way it used to be done back in the days of the old schooners, and it seemed to work just fine.

After we got to the marina breakwater, we got our bow and stern tied off. And then with the help of some other boat owners, we walked Compass Rose around the breakwater to a sheltered spot between two mega (70 ft.) sailing yachts. It was a rough night at the marina because the gale force winds and rain started about 10 minutes after the boat was tied up and the temperature dropped about 20 degrees.

After getting a few things off the boat, we were walking along the dock when I heard someone moaning. Right next to a large yacht at the end, there was a man lying prone on the dock. He said in a slurred voice that he had tried to board his boat but had fallen between the dock and the boat. His arm was hurt.

We managed to check him over and determined that he was banged up on the arm but that it wasn't broken. He said that he had been drinking all day. And that he had misstepped. After getting him safely on board his yacht, along with his bags, I said a prayer that he would stay put. How close he came to being dead is something I'll wonder about for a while. God has other plans for him as he watched out for this drunk man.

We stayed with the boat for the night and this morning, after working on the engine for a while, it started. I then was able to move the boat to her regular slip. It was still blowing around 30 knots with rain and temperatures in the 50's. I didn't see anything of the man who fell in the water. I suppose that he was sleeping. And maybe it was just a dream to him that two people came along late last night and got him safely inside a dry boat. For me, it was like a surreal movie.

Heard in a meeting

"Once one is emptied, they become full. You can always have more once you want, truly want, what you already have. This is the great spiritual principle. Desire the life you have been given. Look for someone to share it with. Share the load. More importantly--take theirs. 'Once a burden is shared, the load is halved (Physics 101)'. Every time you do, you lose half the weight that you are carrying around.

Then immediately your life will begin to lighten up. You literally 'light your little corner (not right your little corner)'. You will be amazed at what is attracted to the light!
Remember when I looked at my collection of all that I thought had been important to me, when I looked at all that I thought I had, nothing was there. Nothing was left. Nothing except that I was left alone. Finally left alone with complete abandon. Finally, the point of surrender, a sweet surrender."

The garden of love

The garden of
Love
is green without
limit
and yields many
fruits
other than sorrow
and joy.
Love is beyond either
condition:
without spring,
without autumn,
it is always fresh.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi

The garden of green is yielding a lot of lovely things right now. There's the heady smell of magnolia in bloom, honeysuckle, roses, jessamine. So many scents blended together and wafting from all parts of the yard.

The garden of love is yielding heady things too: acceptance, compassion, patience, and trust. Those are as sweet as any flower.

Enjoy your Saturday and all that it has to offer.

Awards

Shadow awarded me with the noblesse oblige award.

This award is in recognition of the following:
1. the blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervades amongst different cultures and beliefs.
2. the blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions.
3. there is a clear purpose at the blog; one that fosters a better understanding on social, political, economic, the arts, culture, sciences, and beliefs.
4. the blog is refreshing and creative.
5. the blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.

She asked that I write about how my blog came about. So I'm going to post that here.

I started my blog on the last day of January 2007. I did it as a kind of electronic journal. Here is what I wrote then:

"This is a big step for me. I'm taking my shared thoughts out of the (Al-Anon) meeting rooms and putting them up for the world to see. I've not been in recovery very long and journaling is a big part of the recovery process in Al-Anon. So by having this blog, I'll be providing a journal not only for myself but perhaps for others out there who have had to deal with alcoholism in their lives. It's not a pretty story by any means. I'll be telling part of my story here but for now I'm just glad that I took the step to start this online journal."

I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity through blogging to "meet" so many people who share their experience, strength and hope. Although I don't know you personally, I think that I have come to know the struggles, the courage and the triumphs that represent your life. Reading what you write has helped me a great deal. You have made me think, reflect, laugh and cry. Your stories are part of my recovery. Thanks for the award Shadow and thanks to all of you who read, comment, and keep moving forward one step at a time.

In the spirit of the award, I'm going to pass this along to Scott over at Attitude of Gratitude. His was among the first blogs that I read. And he has a consistent message.

The blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following steps:
1. create a post with a mention and link to the person who presented the noblesse oblige award.
2. the award conditions must be displayed at the post.
3. write a short article about what the blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older posts to support.
4. the blogger must present the noblesse oblige award in concurrence with the award conditions.
5. the blogger must display the award at any location at the blog.

And since I'm on a roll here, I also received my beautiful heart award from inky. She writes: "
This award is given to bloggers who uplift you with their positive words and spirit. also give to bloggers who put their hearts, mind and soul into their blogs and give us a glimpse into their worlds. they are positive and may not realize it, but are leading by example. they inspire with their words, educate and inform. they entertain and uplift with their humor. they are welcoming, helpful and friendly and no one is a stranger, whether you've commented once or a million times. they are ever so wise and giving. most of all, they have beautiful hearts."

And her award to me stated,"Syd allows ME and others to peek inside his world, leads by example, wiser and positive allot more than he realizes." I appreciate Inky for thinking of me.

And the person who I think exemplifies the purpose of this award is Cat. Cat's writing touches me in a powerful way.

Now I'm going to take my awards, give a big grin, and get on with my Friday. Hope that yours is a good one.

First Things First

One thing at a time.

That's all we have to do. Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace.

One task at a time. One feeling at a time. One day at a time. One problem at a time. One step at a time.

One pleasure at a time.

Relax. Let go of urgency. Begin calmly now. Take one thing at a time.

See how everything works out?
from Language of Letting Go

Nothing much is weighing me down today, even though there is a lot that I have to get done. I have a bunch of proposals to review, a meeting with a post-doctoral student this afternoon, and other assorted things that I need to take care of before the end of the day. I'll do the best that I can and prioritize these by doing "first things first".

I'm still going to go to my noon meeting. And I'm going to meet with a sponsee after work today. Those are a priority for me. It's part of my emotional and spiritual rehabilitation program. It's being mindful of "first things first".

I enjoy working with this sponsee. He is sincere and takes the program seriously. He has a lot of things on his plate but is managing to juggle them all by keeping "first things first".

I'm going to head home after the sponsee meeting and spend some time with my wife and the dogs. We fix dinner together and talk a bit about the day. Even though she is home now and I'm at work, we call each other a couple of times a day. We keep our feelings for each other first now.

At any point in the day, I can decide to make something a priority. In every situation there is one thing that is more important, then one that is next in line and so on. I know that I can't do everything at once or be all things to all people. I like that I don't feel guilty about that anymore ("screw guilt").

I think that by focusing on myself by keeping "first things first", my spiritual and emotional health, and the things that I need to do all fall into a kind of order. I'm thus in a better position to proceed with living a life of contentment without all the chaos. How about getting rid of some chaos in your life today?

Not all roads lead to Rome

One of my sponsees made a decision last night to not continue with the steps. He has a spiritual program, practices spiritual meditation, and has a spiritual leader. He just got back from a retreat and has come away with a great sense of renewal. Now he will devote more time to his spiritual practice.

I was taken aback by his deciding to not continue. I didn't have a clue. We were working on Step Four. In Al-Anon, we work this step using the work book Blueprint for Progress. There are many chapters in this workbook, each with over 30 questions. It took me at least four months to get through it.

After he told me that he had begun to feel reluctant about continuing with working Step Four and had decided not to continue, I felt my ego take charge and immediately place blame on the process. The damn workbook is too long. There are too many questions. Maybe he's right and doing spiritual meditation is all anyone needs. These thoughts flashed through my head while a large hole began to open up in my gut.

My old friend rejection had come back and was slicing and dicing my insides. I had the presence of mouth, not mind, to tell the sponsee that it was okay for him to do what he felt he needed to continue in recovery. I didn't try to convince him to keep going with Al-Anon because I knew that there was nothing that I could say to convince him. He had made up his mind.

He gave me a CD to listen to entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You. I listened to it on the way back from the meeting. It has a lot of good stuff there. And is so far very complementary to what I've heard in Al-Anon. Listening to this CD made me realize that there are many ways to reach serenity.

I know what worked for me, and I know the steps that I took. I did what I was told by my sponsor. I was willing to go to any length. I know that there is no easier, softer way. I also recognize that the determination and yes, even the intellect of some is greater than others. I've seen people in the rooms who are brilliant, and I've seen others who aren't. Maybe a fourth step from the Big Book would not be as daunting to some as the Blueprint for Progress. Maybe one wrench doesn't fit all nuts.

The other Three C's

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie

I was with my qualifier all weekend, either doing something fun or working on a project for the boat. We never used to be able to work on any project together. I either felt criticized for what I was doing, or I was busy taking her inventory and condemning right back.

There were moments when we were discussing the boat project yesterday that I wanted to criticize or offer an opinion in an impatient manner. It's easy to lapse into the old pattern of thinking that I have a quick solution and to not listen to what the other person has to say. When either of us begins to condemn mentally and speak critically, it signifies that I've bought back into the idea that I'm right and my wife is failing my expectations.

But being critical, complaining and condemning is not going to motivate her or anyone else to change. I have learned over the years in a professional capacity that destructive criticism isn't much appreciated. Being critical can evoke feelings of tension, resentment, and hurt. Criticism can cross the line to condemnation that puts a person on the defensive and wounds self-esteem. It isn't a good way to increase morale. And that's because no matter how logical criticism may seem, we humans are not creatures of logic but creatures of emotion.

So I've come to understand that it's better for me to keep my mouth shut rather than to criticize, condemn and complain. That seems to fit with taking full responsibility for my attitude, and I like that as well.

Fortunately, it helps to be involved in a program that tells me not to change what others are doing or thinking. Who am I to tell another that “what you’re doing is wrong”? I may think that I have a better way, but do I?

I've also found that when I am complaining, condemning and criticizing, I'm wanting others to fix a problem without contributing anything myself. I was once in a meeting in which a colleague would repeatedly say, "No, I don't like that idea". He would say this over and over when something would come up on the table for discussion. Yet, he never offered a solution--not once. Eventually, the meeting became more and more unproductive because resentments built, people quit listening, and others felt it was pointless to make any more recommendations that would meet with more criticism.

So, at times like these, in a relationship of any kind, I've found it most helpful to be tactful and open-minded. I can ask for a compromise or that someone consider another viewpoint. And in my marriage, I've learned that if I don't fall back into my fears and remain open to trust, then it's likely that what is said won't be taken as a complaint, condemnation, or criticism and be perceived as just a statement of the problem.

And there's another option as well. I don't have to approve of everything or find a positive side to every situation. I can still say "No thank you" and explain my reasons. I can also write out my complaints in my journal. It seems that setting them down on paper puts things in a different light. And then I don't have to voice them out loud.

Thankfully, we were able to complete the boat project without either of us getting angry. We worked towards the solution and added in a lot of humor as we worked. And in the end, there was a sense of accomplishment, happiness and celebration. Not bad for a day's work.

Heard in a meeting

"People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it."


"Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."


"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."


"Don't say the world owes you. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."


"Prayer is not asking. It's a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It's better in prayer to have a heart without words, than words without heart."

Things about my mom

Today is Mother's Day. My mother died four years ago. She's had a long life. Like most lives, some of it was good, some was exceptional and some of it was troubled. But today, I'm remembering the good and exceptional things about her.

I remember her intellect and how she had a keen interest in so many things. She was the one who encouraged me to pursue science. She was the one who taught me that learning is a life long pursuit.

I remember her handwriting. She had a beautiful script. It stayed the same in all her letters with the spelling and grammar meticulous.

I remember her sense of humor. She appreciated a good laugh and was mischievous in a way that few knew about.

I remember her love of flowers. She knew all the shrubs and trees and taught me to appreciate the iris in the spring, the roses of summer, the maples in fall, and the hollies in winter.

I remember the stories that she told to me. She brought the past to life in a way that was comforting. She told me about ancestors in a way that made them real to me.

I remember her spunk. She was a small woman that my father and I towered above. Yet, she could stand her ground in a regal way that made her seem very tall. She had presence and charm.

I remember her love of me. She laughed with me, she listened to me, she encouraged me, she stood by me, and she taught me.

Thanks Mother for all of it.

All dogs go to Heaven

This is supposedly a ‘church signs’ debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

I like how the Catholics are portrayed as having a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset…

PS: Snopes indicates this is just internet humor, not factual. Still funny though.

A long weekend ahead

I realized yesterday that Monday is a holiday here. It's Confederate Memorial Day which the state celebrates. It is a day to honor those who died fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War. Confederate Memorial Day has been a state holiday in North and South Carolina that falls on May 10th for 140 some years. It coincides with Stonewall Jackson's death and the capture of CSA President Jefferson Davis.

I had ancestors who fought in the "Wawah". My mother was a passionate historian who told me many stories that were passed down to her regarding my great-grandfather who returned intact with his horse, Old Rock, after being in several battles.

I have to confess that I've not celebrated this paid holiday in any meaningful way, largely because I think that this was such a dark time in our country's history. These were horribly bloody times with so many deaths that it is unimaginable. Because I grew up in Virginia around so many battlefields, I also see that for those people serious about their heritage, the holiday should be respected. Maybe this is a time for them to discuss the actual history and share stories that have been passed down. The soldiers who fought weren't evil, they were just soldiers caught up in a cruel war the way soldiers usually are.

Tonight, I'm going out on Compass Rose and will sail to the anchorage and enjoy Saturday there. Then, I'll head back home in time for Mother's Day. My wife's parents are coming over for dinner and I'll go to lunch with the parents of a good friend to celebrate his mother. There's a lot going on this weekend around town. It's supposed to be hot with no rain. So I think that the boat will be a good place to be because of ocean breezes.

I hope that each of you has a good day doing what you enjoy.

Step Five and trusting

"Some people seek an easier and softer way by doing a "general confession" to God alone. They are not about to name specifically the humiliating, "awful" things they have done out loud before another human being. But this act of specifically confessing things is what often leads to serenity. The more afraid you are to tell about a certain act or thought in your Fifth Step, the more likely it is that confessing that particular thing will put a new crack in your denial and free you in a new area. There doesn't seem to be an easier, softer way, and people who seek one apparently don't understand the tenacious and tricky nature of this spiritual disease we are facing. Step Five is to help us see, to grasp, to understand specifically how the disease has permeated our lives in ways we usually cannot see any other way."
- A Hunger for Healing, p. 91-92

Step Five is about trust and about forgiving myself. After I had done my third and fourth steps, I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. Yes, I had made bad decisions and had a ton of resentment. I knew that I had been deeply affected by alcoholism from childhood on. But I also came to realize that I could become whole again and manage to feel alive with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time.

I trusted my sponsor and what I heard in Al-Anon that I would have a joyous life if I would deal with my past. Serenity really began to enter my life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, I felt accepted and experienced true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.

I knew that I had been so lonely and crying out on the inside since I was a child. I just didn't know how to bring people closer to me. To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I have heard that we are filled with a huge hole in our psyche from alcoholism. Only God can fill up that hole.

So my sponsor and I agreed on a day to do my fifth step. We spent several hours one afternoon just talking. The program speaks of the "exact nature" of our wrongs, and I understood that I had to be exact and not hedge or be vague. I talked about my resentments, my anger, my insane anxieties. And the "exact nature" of my wrong seemed to point to my fear of rejection and abandonment.

I possess a large number of defects of character, the exact nature of which I have learned through getting down to the nitty-gritty and avoiding bland generalities like "I am selfish. I am resentful. I am dishonest".

I got a lot from doing this fifth step. By trusting another and my Higher Power, I felt a burden lifted and a release. I had finally told another person things that I had never told anyone else. And that brought a sense of freedom, tranquility, serenity, and peace within myself. I have gotten better self-knowledge--another term, as I see it, for humility. I have gotten a deeper, surer, more grateful sense of living.

Some Wednesday thoughts

Here's some thoughts about today:

• I am still tired from vacation. I need a rest from resting.
  
• I am glad that the dogs and cats were happy to see me.
  
• I worried because one of the dogs was throwing up
• After cleaning up vomit for an hour, she seemed fine.
  
• I'm glad that someone invented Oxyclean
• The yard looks wonderful with lots of flowers blooming
• I picked lettuce this morning from the garden.
  
• My blackberries and blueberry bushes have flowers
• I have felt a bit out of the loop at work since coming back from vacation.
• I realize that I isolate too much when I'm tired.
  
• I am going to walk around and visit staff today and connect more.
• I filled out a form at the Holocaust Museum about what I would do to carry the message
• I wrote that I would do my best to fight injustice and to love instead of hate.
• I would like to go rowing tonight but severe thunderstorms are forecast
• One of my former employees was named MVP of the whole state agency.
• I'm happy for her because she is a hard worker.
  
• I don't think that I want a retirement party
• I would rather slip out the door without any hoopla
• I realize that's related to one of my character defects
• I have been thinking of my mother whose birthday was April 30
• I miss her and the good conversations that we had
• I know that Mother's Day is coming up and that makes me a bit sad.
  
• I can tell that I need a meeting.
  
• Yet, I feel disengaged from that too because of being away.
  
• I think that the goal for this day is to engage more, talk to my HP, and isolate less.
  

To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude.
--Henri J. M. Nouwen

Back to reality

We got home late last night. It was a long drive with some nasty thunderstorms and heavy rain as we came down I-95.

I'm back at work today. It seems strange that the vacation is over. I know what people mean by the "geographic cure"--the phrase used to describe the idea that one can escape problems by moving to a new place, instead of changing thoughts and behavior. This wasn't a "cure" but just a change of scenery and pace. It was a great time, and now it's back to the reality of email, reports, memos, and just living life.

It always seems surreal to leave one world where everything is so simple and far removed from the pressures that we live and to drive back into another world where there are definite deadlines and commitments. But no matter where one goes, life is happening. I talked with the watermen who are struggling to make a living with diminishing resources. Their life may seem simple to me, but it's hard and real for them.

I know there's no such thing as a geographic "cure". But just maybe changing external conditions refresh and affect mood. There sure is a lot to recommend a brief break from the usual routine. This vacation was about seeing some places that made me reflect, relax, and re-tune. A change of scenery is an invigorating experience. And it made me appreciate all that I have right here and that "here" isn't such a bad place to be.

Arriving at Smith Island

We took the boat over to Smith Island yesterday. It's the only way to get back and forth from the mainland to the island.

This island that sits in Maryland waters of Chesapeake Bay has seen major changes in geology over the years but the livelihood of its people remains the same. Watermen who make a living fishing for blue crab are the main inhabitants. When oysters were plentiful in Chesapeake Bay, they would make a living oystering during that season. But with the decline in the oyster population, they mainly crab now.

The language of the inhabitants is unique because it still retains a trace of English accent along with some of the "backward" speak that is unique to these islanders.

We are staying at one of the two bed and breakfasts on the island. Last night, we went to visit some people that we know from past visits. And we got caught up on the latest island news about who had died and who had left to take jobs "off island".

There are few cars on the island but more golf carts than last time. We walk where ever we go, and today will make the mile long walk out to Rhodes Point which is one of the three main settlements on the island. I'm going to record some dialect and video to put up so that the accent can be heard. This place is worth a book devoted to the history of the people and the fishery. Maybe another retirement project?

It was peaceful going to sleep last night, listening to the sounds of the geese, ducks, seagulls, and soft rain on the roof. I smell the ham cooking so I'm heading down for breakfast. More on this unique place later.

At the Holocaust Museum

We visited the Holocaust Museum on Thursday. I remember that Lou wrote about her visit there. It's a place that's hard to describe.

Some of the things that moved me to tears were the Tower of Faces. This is a three-story tower within the building, and is lined with about a thousand photographs of everyday life before the Holocaust in a small Lithuanian village. There are photographs of family groups, weddings, picnics, swimming parties, sporting events, holiday celebrations, gardening, bicycling and other aspects of daily life.

Before the war, the shtetl population was about 3,500, almost all Jewish. In September 1941, German SS rounded up the people of the shtetl, along with about a thousand Jews from the surrounding area, and systematically killed

them all.

And then there are the shoes. There seem to be a thousand shoes that were taken from those who were brought to concentration camps. The shoes are in the open air, and their musty smell is quite clear.

There is a Hall of Remembrance as you exit the Permanent Exhibit. This is a place to remember and reflect upon what you've seen. There is an eternal flame lit at one end of the hexoganally-shaped room, and quotes written on the walls.

It was here that we both held each other, filled with so much emotion over what we've seen.

Such a horrific thing that was done to six million humans. And yet genocide continues in this day and age. We each signed a pledge to do what we could to promote humanity for all and to live our lives with love and not hate.

I would recommend visiting this museum if visiting the DC area. And plan to spend several hours there so that you can see the entire exhibit. I think that anyone who does think about what they saw, will come away a different person.

Arlington impressions

The ceremony at Arlington was incredibly moving. I have not been to this venerable cemetery since I was in my teens. It made an impression then, but it made more of an impression now.

I've included some photos of the afternoon. It's hard to express the beauty of this place. It feels like a sacred place. We spent some time here after the ceremony to meditate.

When the black riderless horse came by, with the boots turned backwards, it was hard to not cry. The symbol of the "fallen rider" was beyond words.

Old Arlington house and the lands around it were the plantation estate of Robert E. Lee. During the Civil War, the land was transformed from a plantation estate into an Army encampment, community for emancipated slaves and cemetery.

The property was confiscated by the federal government when property taxes levied against Arlington estate were not paid.

Arlington National Cemetery was established for use as a military cemetery. The intention was to render the house uninhabitable should the Lee family ever attempt to return. A stone and masonry burial vault in the rose garden, 20 feet wide and 10 feet deep, and containing the remains of 1,800 Bull Run casualties, was among the first monuments to Union dead erected.

I think that it is a peaceful place with all the white grave markers. And a reminder of so many sacrifices.

Tomorrow, we head to Smith Island. I haven't had time to read blogs but am thinking of all my blogger friends.