The 10:1 ratio

I've heard that for every alcoholic there are 10 family members and friends affected by alcoholism. I don't know if this is a true statistic or not, but it has made me wonder why aren't there more of "us" in the rooms of Al-Anon.

Here are some other statistics that I find interesting:

• Of the two thousand male patients at nine outpatient alcoholic clinics, four times as many marriages had been dissolved among them as normally would be expected.
  
• According to U. S. Department of Health and Human Services and SAMHSA’s (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, seventy six million American adults have been exposed to alcoholism in the family.
  
• Alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause. One of every four families has problems with alcohol.

Statistics are just numbers. I work on statistics daily. But I also know the human side and understand that these numbers translate into shattered dreams, disturbed children, economic insecurity, and raw human suffering.

So when I look at the list of meetings, I see that there are many fewer Al-Anon meetings than AA meetings. I see that our rooms are seldom filled up. I wonder where are all those who are out there and what are they doing. Are they doing what I did--trying to go it alone, toughing it out, putting on a false face for the world, and then struggling to get through the night?

I've worked the phone lines for our Al-Anon district and talked to those who call in. They are desperate for help for the alcoholic. When I would suggest that they go to a meeting, some didn't think that they needed help. They wanted a solution to stop the alcoholic from drinking.

I also know that some families allow heavy drinking to continue in exchange for keeping the family together. Denial is something that alcoholics and family members have in common. But denial comes with a cost. It can trigger emotional problems in all concerned.

One of these problems is co-dependency. That is what I learned from growing up in an alcoholic home. My mother denied that there was a problem, and I did everything possible to pretend that things were normal too. I wanted to preserve my family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. I didn't want my friends to come visit. I began to live with anxiety and developed a negative self image. I continued that behavior into my marriage, always feeling that there was something to hide, no where to run, confined in my own personal prison of unhappiness.

So I'm hoping that those of you who read this will make a decision to get to a meeting. There won't be strangers there but people just like you who have felt the same despair that you feel. And eventually, you'll come to realize that there is a better way to live.

What if amends aren't accepted?

Findon recently had a really good post on making amends. His post reminded me of the first living amends that I made. My sponsor told me to make amends to myself first which I did. I made a decision that I needed to take better care of myself spiritually and emotionally. Only then did I proceed to approach others.

My first living amends was to a friend with whom I'd had a falling out years earlier. It's not important what it was about, other than to say in retrospect it revolved totally around two large egos (his and mine) butting against each other.

So I rang him up (he lives in another state) and told him that I wanted to put things right between us. I told him that I had been obstinate and prideful. To my surprise, he was pleased to hear from me, said that he had missed our comraderie, and wanted to get together when he next came to the area. Sure enough, he did come down and we went out to dinner. To this day, we have the ability to laugh and to be comfortable with each other in a meaningful way.

But what do you do when you make an amends and it isn't accepted? I had that happen with the second person that I met face to face with. It was Christmas and somehow all seemed right in my mind and heart for making amends. The fellow had been my closest friend until he found out about my wife's alcoholism and my struggles to deal with that. A wedge in our friendship grew into a gap and then a large hole formed. He didn't want to listen to what I had to say. And so I had no choice but to accept what he said and acknowledge that this friendship was over.

This result was one that my sponsor had warned me about. Not all amends will be graciously accepted, not all will be reconciled for the other person. What is important was my willingness to make amends. If someone does not accept my intention, then I need to let it go. I have done my part.

I think that willingness to change my behavior is the key to making an amends. I need to get honest about my character defects and become willing to give them up. I needed to transform my attitude in order to make a sincere amends. Otherwise, I am just a hollow man speaking hollow words.

The amends I made were my first attempt at restitution. With my wife, I talked to her about how much my old behavior had been selfish and motivated by my fears. I have changed my behavior to be much more at ease, accepting, and humble with her and others in my life. Whenever things get tense or stressful, I remember that I have a choice about how to react. I prefer to not revert to my old behavior but to look to my Higher Power for guidance. I need to live the words that I spoke during the amends.

I believe that by being mindful of my attitudes and by accepting that the Twelve Steps represent a permanent way of life, I can live differently.

A new day

Today is a much better day for me than yesterday. I heard what I needed to hear in the meeting last night. It was packed with people, so many that some were sitting on the floor. And as usual for this meeting, there was a lot of great sharing, not always pretty and not always full of solutions but very real thought-provoking stuff.

The topic was Keep It Simple. Yesterday I wasn't doing that. I was being lead around by the voices in my head that were telling me that all kinds of things were going to happen, that things weren't going to work out, that I might as well give up.

The fist of anxiety grabbed my gut and didn't let go until I visited with some friends before the meeting. We talked vegetables and gardening. I could feel myself getting grounded in reality again. So by the time I got to the meeting, I was beginning to feel better.

Keep It Simple is a good slogan for someone like me who tends to make things much more complex than they need to be. I need the reminder to take things at face value and not let my imagination run wild. I have been the "fixer" for so long that sometimes I have to remember what is really mine and has my name on it. I don't need to pick up and carry the load of someone else, just what's mine.

As I wrote yesterday, if I can just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, I'll be okay. It's when I take on the issues and problems of another, that I create chaos in my life. The unnecessary things that I do distract me from looking at what is going on with me. If I remember that God's will covers 360 degrees of me, then I can relax.

I look at my dogs and see how simple their life is. They are great examples of living the Keep It Simple philosophy. They sniff each other, give a wag of recognition, are hardly ever irritable and don't worry about anything. They aren't anticipating what's for dinner, whether they are going to get brushed, or go for a ride. They enjoy the simple things such as a good stick or a puddle of water. They seem to like everyone they meet. They exude warmth and happiness in a sincere way. They seem to take life as it comes, live in the moment and show me that the simple life is quite happy.

I thought that I'd share a poem by Robert Frost that seems to capture the idea of keeping it simple:

"The Armful"

For every parcel I stoop down to seize
I lose some other off my arms and knees,
And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns --
Extremes too hard to comprehend at once,
Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.
With all I have to hold with hand and mind
And heart, if need be, I will do my best
To keep their building balanced at my breast.
I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;
Then sit down in the middle of them all.
I had to drop the armful in the road
And try to stack them in a better load.

"Let's don't louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple." Dr. Bob to Bill W.

Clinging

I feel a sense of unrest within myself today. There is an anxiety that is gnawing at me. I'm not sure where it's coming from. But I can tell that it is based in my fear of abandonment.

I went to my meeting last night. There was discussion about boundaries and expectations. Generally, I feel good after coming from a meeting. Last night, I felt concern because a member was in a lot of pain over her relationship with a family member.

When I got home, my wife and I had a nice dinner of sauteed sea scallops and steamed broccoli. I read the paper later and did my best to get the feeling of unrest out of my mind. But I kept thinking about how our lives intersect, sometimes with a great deal of happiness and sometimes with a great deal of pain.

How is it that the interactions that we have with each other and the ones that we love can bring such joy at times? And then, like the lady who shared her feelings of anguish, there is the other side to our relationships. This is the side that leaves us grieving, fearful and clinging.

I have tried for many years to hold those that I loved close to me. I tended to cling and hold on, stubbornly refusing to believe that loss would occur. I know now that I can't control or manipulate to keep things the same.

Life is flowing along every day. I may not always like how it is flowing, but I can't stem the tide. Nor is it possible for me to relive what was. Holding on and clinging to what once was is not the answer. Nor do I want to let life flow past me without venturing into the water. Even though I have moments, such as today, when I feel anxiety and something ominous, I realize that these feelings need to move through me, touch me, and eventually move past me. If I can trust that all will be okay, one way or the other, I can let go my grasp, unclench my fist and go with the flow.

That's what I'm doing today.

Why the Big Book isn't used in Al-Anon Meetings

Lou posted about her experience of chairing a workshop on sponsorship at an Al-Anon convention and was using the Big Book as an example of working Step Four. A couple of people in the audience spoke up that it wasn't conference approved. So I thought that I'd offer some information that I have found useful as to why it isn't used in Al-Anon meetings (Note: the BB and other literature may be used in step meeting and sponsor meetings that aren't approved by WSO).

Questions:

• Why can’t the A.A. “big book,” Alcoholics Anonymous, be studied at Al-Anon meetings?
• For what Traditions is use of the “big book” inconsistent with and why?
  
• Why is the actual source material that Al-Anon was developed from being put aside?
  
• The “big book” is the authority on alcoholism; why would we keep it from our membership?

Answer: Although Al-Anon’s roots are based in A.A., the A.A. “big book” is not and never has been Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). In the very early days of Al-Anon, A.A. materials were used at meetings because we had very little material of our own. When our cofounder Lois W. wrote The Al-Anon Family Groups (B-5) in 1955 with the help of other pioneers and the support of her husband Bill, she intended it as our big book. Bill had not allowed her to write any part of the A.A. big book—even the chapters to the wife or the family—because his book was from the perspective and experience of alcoholics.

“Conference Approved Literature” came about from discussions held at Al-Anon’s very first World Service Conference in 1961. The first few Conferences developed a process to give conceptual approval for the development of Al-Anon literature, and it was the will of the Conference to recommend exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings. Although the Conference grandfathered in several existing Al-Anon pieces, in keeping with Traditions One, Three, Five, and Six, the A.A. big book was not among them.

The exclusive use of CAL in Al-Anon meetings supports Al-Anon’s First Tradition: that personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. Al-Anon’s Third Tradition states that as a group we have no other affiliation. According to our Fifth Tradition, our one purpose is to help families of alcoholics. Our Sixth Tradition states we are a separate entity that should always cooperate with A.A.

As it states on page 94 of the 2006-2009 Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual, “It is well to remember that all A.A. literature is written for and from the viewpoint of alcoholics and is not Al-Anon/Alateen Conference Approved Literature. Reliance on opinions expressed in A.A. and other outside publications can distort the Al-Anon approach, particularly for the newcomer.”
The big book is the authority on alcoholism from the perspective and experience of the alcoholic. It does not reflect the perspective or experience of the families and friends of alcoholics. It was not the original source for the Al-Anon program. The original source of the Al-Anon program was the shared experiences of families and friends of alcoholics and their application of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

Of course, as part of their personal recovery, Al-Anon members are always free to read any materials they choose outside of an Al-Anon meeting. Many find reading A.A. materials helpful in understanding the disease of alcoholism, but since time is so limited it is important to stick with Al-Anon materials in Al-Anon meetings. Those wishing to receive help in understanding the A.A. focus can usually find an open A.A. meeting.
_____________________________________________
In sponsoring, I use the BB and the AA 12 x 12, just as my sponsor had me do. I also use Al-Anon books and pamphlets. The best explanation that I have for not using the BB or AA literature in regular Al-Anon meetings is that these are separate programs. The newcomer who comes to Al-Anon is generally in a lot of pain from living with alcoholism. It could be off putting and confusing for someone coming to Al-Anon to hear information about the "other" program.

I believe in singleness of purpose for AA and the same for Al-Anon. When I go to an open AA meeting, I don't share even when called upon. I am not an alcoholic. But I get a great deal from reading and studying and going to AA meetings. Hopefully this clarifies that we always cooperate with AA but we aren't AA.

I think that Lou's willingness to do service work and step up to do a workshop is a great thing. Each of us learns how the program works. I have learned much from the traditions and why they are important in guiding our relationships with others and in keeping each program "pure".

Heard in a Meeting

All we ask is that you completely change your attitude as soon as possible.

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

The Cliff Notes version of Al-Anon is "Get a Life".

It's okay to feel anger and self-pity as long as I don't "wallow in my tissues".

Al-Anon isn't just for crisis mode. It's for the good times too.

Without memory, there is no healing. Without forgiveness, there is no future.

Emotional immaturity

My new sponsee called me in the wee hours of the morning. He was trying to make a decision on whether to stay up and party or go to bed so that he could get to a job that he had to do in the morning.

My first thought is, "You have to be kidding me. You woke me and my wife up so that you could tell me that this was an upsetting decision to make." Then I realized that this sounds more like alcoholism than the "isms" of Al-Anon. (I've heard in meetings that these "isms" stand for I, Self, Me // I Sponsor Myself // Internal Spiritual Maladjustment)// Incredibly Short Memory // I Sabotage Myself).

I asked him if he had been drinking and he said that he had a glass of wine. He said that he guessed that his actions were childish. He is 30 years old and still getting money from his parents. Yep, this sounds childish to me: Either stay up and party and miss the work appointment or tell the partiers that I'm calling it a night so that I can work in the morning. Hmmmm....which one would I choose.

I think that I'm going to have to set some boundaries with him starting today. He and I are meeting up for our first discussion on Step One. I'm going to provide him with the 12 steps of sponsoring that I blogged about yesterday.

I understand that he has been a member of the AA fellowship but no longer attends meetings or has an AA sponsor. Based on the conversations that we've had over the phone, it seems that the disease of alcoholism may be alive and well.

I have to remember that although someone may be 30 years, 50 years or even older and sober, they may remain childish, grandiose, and emotionally immature. As Dr. Silkworth said, they may be an "outright mental defective" with all the anxieties, depression and fears bubbling up. I found the following statement about alcoholism to be insightful:
"I am maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality.......... As a going human concern, my natural state is .......exacerbated with and complicated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need for attention, acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable and discontented with life.

Mentally, my thought life is controlled by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity; all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate, resentful and frightened motives, motives which left unattended in me arouse and engage dangerous and life threatening levels of lust (I try not to make eye contact).

Pride, anger, envy, greed, sloth, gluttony, I turn into a pig, I want it all - that renders me emotionally a bit sensitive. Which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personally. I don't like criticism and I'll be damned if I can stand praise (I don't believe you). When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone.

Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all of my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid attention. When it comes to my fellow man and woman, I demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life.

My response to you is that I am quick to anger, I'm slow to virtue, and I get a distinct and succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. My outstanding characteristic is defiance, and rebellion dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God, that is a list of my finer qualities (anybody want a date?). You'll hear this at every meeting you go to, but from newcomers, this is how you hear them: "I don't fit in, I don't belong, I'm not a part of, my God what's wrong with me - I must be different." And the only thing that satisfies that restless, irritable, dissatisfied nature in me is alcohol or drugs......"-- Wayne B.

I think that I will print this out as well. I have a lot of these same shortcomings. I understand a lot of what is behind the desire to be in "full flight from reality". The difference is that I faced my reality every day and became crazier and crazier because of that. I think that he and I need to get honest with each other about expectations and what I am willing to do and not willing to do as a sponsor in Al-Anon. I sure know that I can't fix an alcoholic.

At face value

I have a new sponsee. He and I are getting together this week for the first time. I talked with him for a while last evening. I learned that he has worked the steps several times in another fellowship, yet doesn't understand the concept of powerlessness. He also was getting into some heavy stuff that seemed more like material for a session with a therapist.

In my interactions with sponsees I have to remind myself about what my boundaries are. I thought that the following was helpful. It came from a recent workshop on sponsoring.










Twelve Steps of a Sponsor (from AA Literature):

1. I will not help you stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you grow, to become more productive, by your own definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more free to continue becoming the authority of your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up,” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow yourself, by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals, or tell you what is best for you in your world; you have your own world.
8. I cannot convince you of the crucial choice of choosing the scary uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of not growing.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend, yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity, when I begin to lost trust in you, then I am toxic, bad, and inhibiting for you and you for me.
11. You must know – my help is conditional. I will be with you, hang in there with you, as long as I continue to get even the slightest hints that you are trying to grow.
12. If you can accept all of this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be . . . mature adults, leaving childishness forever to little children.

I take people at face value. I am willing to listen and not judge. That can be a good thing and it can be something that leaves me vulnerable. I believe in the rigorous honesty of this program. I believe that it is important to look at my part in situations. That is some of what I offer to sponsees and to those who read this blog.

If things are not what they seem, as has been mentioned in several blogs lately, then I am not aware of what the reality is. I am still taking people at face value. Like I said, it can leave me vulnerable. And that's a tedious place to be.

Sparks

I'm sorry to read that Steve has decided to move on. There is something unsettling to me about having people who I have come to "know" move out of my life. It's no doubt the old fear of abandonment coming back and trying to worm its way into my head.

Steve has provided a lot of great insight into AA. He and I blogged in tandem about the traditions. I think that both of us were relieved to complete those posts, even though it was a great learning experience for me.

I believe that Steve will do well with whatever he decides to do. He wrote that he is "disenchanted, dispirited, disillusioned, disheartened, dishonored, and disgusted" with his life. I can identify with those thoughts since I had them for much of my life. I'm thankful to have figured out that I'm not defined by those words any longer.

They are the "boogeymen" that come out of the darkness as I live this journey of recovery. The good thing is that I understand my journey towards being a better person will be a long one. And I'm not going to be traveling alone. You and others will accompany me. There are going to be lots of diversions, obstacles, and difficulties along the way. But if I can just keep that celestial spark within, I think that I'll keep going.

I particularly like the following daily reading:

"You were born with a spark of the Divine within you. It had been all but smothered by the life you were living. That celestial fire has to be tended and fed so that it will grow eventually into a real desire to live the right way. By trying to do the will of God, you grow more and more in the new way of life. By thinking of God, praying to Him, and having communion with Him, you gradually grow more like Him. The way of your transformation from the material to the spiritual is the way of Divine Companionship." From Twenty-Four Hours a Day

I need to keep that spark of celestial fire going within me. I hope that Steve tends his flame as he moves on in his journey. He has given his time and energy to many others. Thanks Steve for helping make things brighter for me.

PS: Steve is back! I bet he inventoried, prayed, digested, and spit out a blog post. One day at a time we do what seems right on the day. I've learned that "never" is a God word. Welcome back Steve. Glad that you got back on the horse.

Powerless

I heard just what I needed to hear at my home group meeting last night. My sponsor and I met before the regular meeting and talked about having Step One moments. And then the regular meeting was on Control. God planned the program.

I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober. It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. When I hear the criticism and blame directed at me, I realize that this is a means to avoid responsibility. It is a mechanism of denial for what the real problems are.

I am a good listener and am willing to inventory my part. But there comes a time when I consider feedback that is laced with anger and resentment to be worthless. If I let my guard down and let myself accept what is said as "truth", then I am lost in a mire of self-pity and my own resentment.

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my disease.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

Reflecting

It's a gray overcast Monday here. It has been sprinkling on and off this morning.

This is the kind of weather that makes me want to take a nap. And after the long weekend, that seems like a good idea.

Here are a few of the highlights and lowlights from the weekend.

The Highs:

• Seeing my first turtle crawl where a female loggerhead laid her eggs
• Seeing my first re-enactment of the assault on Battery Wagner on Morris Island
  
• Getting together with friends who brought their boat to the island to anchor
• Going to my first Aquapalooza which involved bringing in a barge and having live music playing for four hours.
  
• Seeing people pack up their trash when they left so that the beach was clean and litter free.
• The fantastic sunset on Saturday evening that made me aware of why I go to this sacred place.

The Lows:

• Seeing signs on the island that list violations such as all dogs must be on a leash. Enforcing the litter law was all that was needed.
  
• Wild weather on Friday evening that sent waves crashing over the bow of the boat....at anchor.
  
• Listening to a lot of blaming talk about control that I would rather not have heard.
  
• Not having the dog out on the boat
  
• Hoards of mosquitoes that invaded on Saturday night when the breeze died.
  

Today I'm thinking about the boundaries that I have got to put in place in my relationship. I'm sad that alcoholism still has a bad bite that can inflict emotional pain when I least expect it. I need my home group tonight and will be going before the meeting to talk to my sponsor. I talked to him for a while last evening about some conflict over the weekend. I'm glad that I know enough not to believe all that I hear when alcoholism speaks.

Heard in a meeting

I often obsessively pursue feeling good, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

When I was a newcomer, I didn't think I had any obsessions until I started thinking about it. Then it was all I could think about.

The good news is you get your emotions back; the bad news is you get your emotions back.

Women (or men) in Al-Anon can find men (or women) that the police can't find!

Friday and weekend doings

I have taken today off from work. I'm going out on the boat for the weekend. I'm not sure whether I'll be posting anything until Monday. So if I don't, I want to wish you well until I come back and have a chance to comment on your blogs.

I'm going to get to my usual anchorage by tomorrow afternoon when there will be a re-enactment of the 146th anniversary of the assault of Battery Wagner. The Assault on Battery Wagner brought the men of the 54th Massachusetts and the Confederate forces together in combat.

The 54th Massachusetts, an experimental black army regiment of free men from the North whose heroic conduct and bravery persuaded the Union that African-American men could and would fight for their freedom, waged a lengthy battle on this historic day. Before the 54th, most African Americans employed by the Union Army were relegated to positions as laborers, hostlers and cooks. The Confederate forces fiercely defended the Fort. The 54th regiment lost the fight and a third of its 600 soldiers that day, but gained the respect of both Union and Confederate armies. It will be the first re-enactment that I have seen.

On Saturday, there will be another major party on the island. Supposedly the event will have four bands, beach volleyball, and a bunch of free giveaways. I've been told by the organizers that there will be plenty of trash bags. I'm not planning on cleaning up more litter so I hope they are prepared with an ample supply.

I just want to chill out, get some sleep, go for a long walk and do some reading. This is my place of meditation--my boat and the island. After the last walk of the evening, we will row back to the sailboat and fix a simple dinner of steak and couscous. Then we generally read to each other. Sometimes we read the Big Book of AA and sometimes we bring sailing books to read from--accounts of around the world sailors. We always end the evening with a simple prayer.

After all the party boats leave, the island becomes quiet except for the sound of the waves and the wind. It is a place where many men died. Yet, I think of it as a place teeming with life in the surf, in the tide pools, in the rookeries. I always seem to sleep better when I'm being rocked to sleep by the motion of the boat, nestled against the one I love.

The Invisible Boat

I guess you know by now that I really like boats. And I like analogies. I also am a member of a rowing team. So what could be better than a row boat analogy? I was listening to a speaker tape this morning. It happened to be Clancy I. who was speaking. He talked about the Invisible Boat. So I thought that I would provide an excerpt from his talk today. It is food for thought.

The curse of alcoholism is that eventually reality gets bad enough so you have to drink and the curse of drinking is that eventually it gets bad enough that you have to get sober. That combination is called alcoholism.

It doesn’t make any difference if you’re the man who put the flag on the moon or if you’re the man who came out from under the bridge, if you’ve got it there’s no way out because you cannot make sustained reality. Because every time alcohol works for you, it interferes with your ability to live in reality. It distorts perception, and that is why it’s such a difficult thing to treat.

There’s been a great deal of controversy over the years about treatment centers. Old-timers who got sober years ago are not very pleased with the treatment center concept. “We got sober and, by God, we stayed sober.” And they did. It’s just difficult.

And, for my first 15 years, I hardly wanted to talk to people who came out of treatment centers. I thought they were jerks. As I’ve gotten a little more sophisticated, I’ve come to realize there’s a difference. There are good treatment centers and bad treatment centers. But it’s hard to tell which are which, and your life depends on deciding which is which. You think, “Why would anyone want to go to a treatment center anyway?”

The best analogy I’ve been able to think of is it’s like going up to Lake Superior, say Ashland, and say I want to go to Canada. And there’s a nice little yacht sitting there with attendants in their white uniforms, and you smell dinner cooking, and they say, “Won’t you come with us on the S.S. Treatment Center?”

And you say, “Maybe.” And over here are two guys lurking in the underbrush along the shore, saying. “We’re from A.A. You want to come with us in our invisible boat?”

Nobody in their right mind is going to get in an invisible boat if they can get on the treatment center boat, I’ll tell you. So you get on there and you’re glad. It’s comfortable, it’s nice, it’s warm, and they feed you and it’s good. And the only problem is you’re just about in sight of the shore and they say, “Well, this is where we turn back. Gotta go back and get another load.’

“What am I gonna do?” you ask. “Well, just swim like hell.” And you’re out there swimming and crying, and here come those two goofs in their invisible boat. “You want a ride, buddy?” “I’m not that sick.” And pretty soon you’re drowning and here they come again. “You want a ride, buddy?” Choking and sputtering, you say “yeah.” You get in and as soon as you dry off, you realize “This is stupid. There’s no boat here. We’re floating in midair. This is goofy.” “What am I supposed to do, you guys?” “Grab an oar and row.” “You’re crazy. You’re crazy.” And right then, anybody with sense says “Adios, pal.”

And finally you’re drowning one more time. “You want to get in our boat?” Choking and sputtering again, you say “yeah” and get back in. “What do you want me to do?” “Grab an oar and row.” “Oh, you silly idiots!”

And the irony of A.A. is that as you begin to row, the boat appears. But it doesn’t appear until you begin to row. And you’ve got to be desperate to row an invisible boat. That’s what sponsors are for. They come along from time to time and say, “Hey, goof, you’ve got your oar upside down.” As you row the boat appears. If you keep rowing long enough, you get a very fine craft. Pretty soon it exceeds the S.S. Treatment Center.

Pretty soon it gets to be as big and as nice as you want to make it. And the only sad thing is no matter how long it takes, when you start to rest on your oar and don’t row, it begins to disappear again. And if you wait long enough on rowing, you’re back in the water.

That is why people with 25 or 30 or 50 years of sobriety get drunk. Because they’ve got where they want to be and there’s no sense in rowing anymore. “I’m there.”

And that’s the function of A.A., to encourage and re-encourage one another to re-commit ourselves to keep rowing no matter how well I’m doing, to just keep rowing. And that’s what the boat is about.

The function of A.A. and its Steps and its sponsors and these actions and involvement is not to make you wonderful. They’re to do something infinitely more complex. They are to upgrade your perception of reality. You’ve got to look at the same things and over a period of time see them differently or they get so depressing you can’t handle it. And you’ve got to keep going and you’ve got to keep trying this.

And, unfortunately for you and me, no matter how you work the program, you will never rise above a basic human being. And human beings are weak and fallible and cross and emotional. No matter how spiritual you get.

And the difference between the “good” treatment center and the “bad” one is simply this: The bad treatment center leads its patients into believing that they are now well enough to swim for the far shore on their own or, in other words, to leave treatment with enough knowledge to insure sobriety on a longterm basis. The “good” treatment center may perform the same functions within treatment perhaps but emphatically tells it’s departing patients, “You are dry, clean, fed and sober. But you’ll never be able to make the far shore on your own.”

So when you see those two guys in their invisible boat, jump in and start to row, whether you believe in it or not. You’ll be glad you did.

Clancy I., Venice, CA
Reprinted from the Harbor Light, Long Beach, which was reprinted from
MIRUS, the Minneapolis Intergroup newsletter.

When all is well

I've learned that serenity is one of those benefits of being in recovery. But it isn't like breathing--it isn't totally involuntary. There are times when I feel peaceful, serene and all is well with me. Yet, I know that the next day I may wake up and have the old fears and anxieties churning in my gut.

At the meeting last night, a fellow who had asked me to work with him on the steps over a year ago showed up. I hadn't seen him in a year because we never actually got to have a face to face meeting to start step work because he was always busy. He would make up excuses about why we couldn't get together. I called him a few times but would receive no answer. When I finally did talk to him last year, he told me that his daughter was no longer using and all seemed to be going well. He didn't need the program any more.

Last night, he looked like a different person. I didn't recognize him at first. He had gained about 50 pounds, was anxious, desperate and hurting. He told me that things had been going so well for about a year. His daughter was working and seemed to be doing great. He had sent her some money and after that had a suspicion that she was using again. She has now gone back out, lost her job and is a mess.

He told me the ironic thing was that about a week ago before he learned of her relapse, he was cleaning out a desk draw and found his Al-Anon book. He threw it in the trash because his daughter was doing so well. Now he has come back to meetings, clawing his way to them like a drowning person does to a life ring.

I think that what this man told me is a warning that I need to remember. When things are going really well with me, I can tend to become a bit complacent. I may decide to skip a meeting or two. I may not step up to volunteer for service work. I may not be as passionate about working with sponsees.

And if I let that complacency go too far, then I'm setting myself up to lose my perspective and balance. I will think everything is rosy and wonderful when things are going smoothly. But let something happen to break my smugness, and all the resentment, fear and host of other defects will come roaring back at me like a runaway train.

I have come to realize that there are no guarantees that I will remain sane and serene because I have had peace once in a while. I need this program 24/7. I find that if I don't have any contact with the program, I tend to start sliding back into old attitudes. I start to obsess, to judge, to get smug and self righteous. I like myself better if I stay in program mode and don't get caught with my "program down".

God things

I am bone tired today. I don't think that I have caught up from the weekend. Sailing all day, reading and studying at night and then getting up early to repeat the schedule for 3 days has taken its toll. I think that my body is telling me to rest. So I'm going to take a few hours and do that this morning.

Fortunately, I'm happy with nothing heavy on my mind. I went to my home group meeting last night and did the meeting on Tradition Seven. You know I love those traditions in the program. I used to yawn when they were read. Someone once made a comment that they really used the traditions, and I thought, "How?". It wasn't until I came to understand them in the context of relationships with others that I knew how valuable they were. And that was one of the shares last night--a lady saying that she only thought the traditions were about the group. Isn't the program truly God-inspired when what is written can be applied in every aspect of life--"in all our affairs"?

It's a lovely gray overcast day today. There was a lot of rain last night. And maybe more on the way today. A heavy oak limb came down in the yard while my wife was out with the dogs. She said that it missed her by about six feet. I was so glad that she is okay and told her that God has other plans for her. She said, "No, I'm just lucky." She still resists the concept of a Higher Power. I can't do anything about that. I know that my HP is active in my life. And that has been made evident in so many ways.

Now I'm going to put away the computer and sleep for a couple of hours. I'll then go into work. I'm grateful for having an abundance of sick leave and a great job. And for a meeting tonight that is always a good one.

Have yourselves a peaceful day.

Overthinking

I passed my cruising certification with a good dose of humility. The practical part was relatively easy, but the written test was more difficult. I think that I have always over thought questions, even when I was taking tests in college and graduate school. I tend to see the question from different angles, second guess myself and get hung up.

It's been over a year since I took any kind of test (the first sailing certification test last year). Maybe my brain just doesn't work as well as it used to but when faced with multiple choice questions, I tend to go into over analysis. And the questions I missed were ones that I over thought.

I tend to do that over thinking with a lot of things in life. I certainly have over thought relationships and second guessed the meaning behind words and actions: She said "A" but maybe she really means "B". You know that kind of thinking that drives me and everyone else nuts. It's the "what if" scenarios that I'm setting up and reading more into something than is there. In short, as my father would say, I'm making things difficult for myself. Over thinking doesn't give me any clarity but instead clogs my thinking with negativity.

And then there is the "This sounds right and looks right so I'm just going to do it" kind of thinking. It means that I move ahead and devil take the hind most. It doesn't work that well on tests either as I'm either not reading the question right or am rushing through and not thinking clearly. This approach leaves many wrong turns in life and wrong answers on tests.

I think that the best thinking comes in the context of reality when I don't necessarily follow totally along logical lines but "gestalt" things a bit and keep my head and heart in alignment. I'm just thankful I don't have to take any more tests anytime soon!

"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
lyrics from Tool off Lateralus.

Heard in a meeting

When you're choosing a sponsor, choose someone that you will listen to and trust.

If you don't read the books for yourself, you are totally at the mercy of what is said at meetings.

Control is linked to fear. When I try to control, then I am forgetting that I have a Higher Power.

Al-Anons are the Ninjas of control. We can scent out control better than a blood hound.

Cruising

I'm completing some more course work to receive additional sailing certifications this weekend. Although I'm not on my boat, I'm on a 38 ft. Catalina. It has an entirely different feel to it.

Yesterday, we worked on diesel engines, docking, sail trim, and handling in close quarters. I have to say that I enjoy this a lot. But I also enjoy being on my boat where I can relax. Instead, being in a class means that I am a student again. It's a good lesson in humility and an opportunity to put my ego on the back burner.

It's funny how the competitive side of me comes up when I'm around others in a class. I have had to be very aware of that as I find myself wanting to make some suggestions about how to handle the lines and tie up the boat.

But I've decided that it's time for me to put a lid on it, listen, and absorb what I'm told. I'm the student now and not the teacher.

I'm sharing here one of my favorite photos of the Romanian crew on board the tall ship Mircea. They are all standing on the yardarms, ready to set the sails. Their grace and balance is inspiring.

Hope that you are having a great Saturday.

F.I.N.E.

When I first started this blog, I was of a mind that the title would reflect what I was feeling most of the time. When anyone would ask, I would say that I was "fine".

In reality I was anything but that. In Al-Anon, I learned that feeling FINE actually meant that I was f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That sure seemed to be a good descriptor of what I was like and had felt most of my life.

I received an email from a lady who was reading this blog. She said that she had some up with a new phrase for F.I.N.E. And she wanted to share it with me....Finally Internalizing Normal Emotions. She wrote that living that phrase was a goal and a challenging one at that.

It is a challenge to finally internalize "normal" emotions. I'm glad that I'm learning how to do exchange my resentment, anger, fear and sadness for acceptance, hope, courage and joy. In fact, if asked, you might actually get to hear how I'm doing! I have many more days now when I can honestly say that I'm "great", "happy", "glad to be alive", or "doing well". I guess that I'm really starting to feel "fine".

What to say?

It was a nice day yesterday with the students. At first I was wondering what was going to spur their interest as they seemed half asleep on the boat ride to the island. But after they were on the beach, they seemed to catch fire with questions.

Several told me that they had never been to a beach before. That was something that surprised me. But it made me think about all that I do take for granted as being accessible.

The good times of the day were overshadowed by learning that the husband of a colleague had killed himself. He evidently had a problem with alcohol and depression. He had sobered up, gotten a new job and was doing well until this past weekend when some old drinking buddies came to town. I'm not sure of the circumstances surrounding his death but do know that he shot himself and was found by my colleague.

I just finished writing a note to her. I sat and stared at the paper for about a half and hour. I had no idea what to write. I tried to imagine the horror of finding someone I loved dead by their own hand. My colleague is questioning whether she could have done more, seen the signs, prevented it. She hasn't tried to smooth this over at work but has told people that it was suicide and not an accident. I think that is incredibly brave.

So I sat and thought how didn't know that kind of pain. I don't have that vision of death etched in my head. I don't have thoughts of what I might have done to change circumstances.

But I do know now that there is nothing that I can do to prevent what another person is determined to do. And that as much as I would like to go back in a time machine and re-do some things, I can't do that either.

I am glad that the thoughts that I once had during my darkest days are no longer with me. I have chosen to live this life. I know now how great life is and that each day I have an opportunity to do something with it and experience both the pleasure and the pain.

" When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given." from Touchstones

on a barrier island today

This is going to be a "blort" post. I'm leaving in a few minutes to do an outreach program on barrier island ecology for 55 college students. And the island is my favorite spot: the weekend boat anchorage.

There will be a lot to discuss such as erosion, accretion, wave dynamics, vegetation and critters who make the barrier island home. And I'll bring up how important barrier islands are as protection for the mainland during storms.

Anyway, just a gratitude list for today. I'm grateful for:

• Living on the coast where there is a delicate balance of conservation and population growth.
• Keeping my own life in balance through the program of recovery
  
• Looking for solutions instead of focusing on problems
• Having a day to be out of the office and in the fresh air on my favorite beach. It doesn't get any better.
  
• Sharing some information with young people who may remember a few words that will make a difference at some part in their life

Have a good Wednesday.

Overcast

I don't have much to write about today. I'm still tired. I feel as if I need to sleep for a full day. Every night I have the intention of getting to sleep by 10 PM but instead I get lost in reading or going through blogs. So I'll stay up until closer to midnight and then feel beat up in the morning. By Thursday, all of this seems to catch up with me, but the fatigue has come on earlier this week.

The litter on the island generated quite a bit of news locally. Most beaches in this area ban alcohol. I'm not sure how I feel about that as the island where I go is only accessible by boat and is a place where dogs can run and people have a good time.

One part of me thinks that banning alcohol there would be a good thing, while another part of me says that without enforcement, bans never work. And that if people want to drink, I can't stop that. I guess that I don't want to be the arbiter of anyones drinking conduct either.

It is a grey, humid day here. I like the greyness but dislike the humidity. At least there is a breeze blowing but during the summer, the breeze is like a hot breath. I will be out of the office tomorrow for field work that will last most of the day. But it will be welcome change, no matter what the weather. I am always grateful that I get paid to do the work that I do.

Tonight is a meeting which will be good. It will be another late night though, as the meeting doesn't get out until 9 PM. No matter. There will be time to rest up this weekend.

I'm hoping that your Tuesday is going well. It's a good day here in Paradise.

Tired Monday

The July 4 celebration at the island was over the top. There were probably close to 400 boats and well over a thousand people on the beach.

I've tried to capture the scene here, but it's really hard to realize just how much drinking was going on unless you were there.

On Sunday, what was left on the beach was close to a ton of trash. I did the best that I could to pick up and consolidate the beer cans, liquor bottles, pieces of clothing, and coolers that were left. But it was a nearly impossible job.

I worked for over three hours in the morning and then decided that I needed to get others to help. I called the local Waterkeeper and he came out to give a hand, along with a news crew from the local network. Another friend who has a large pontoon boat came out and after hauling trash from the beach in a cart, it was all loaded on his boat to be carried to another location where it could be loaded into trucks.

I am tired from all of this today. I didn't think that so many young people would care so little about a place that I think is beautiful. It's a privilege to be able to walk that beach, and it has become a really special place to me. On Saturday it looked like a giant frat party. And on Sunday, it looked like a land fill.

Do you remember the commercial in which the Native American cried because of all the litter? Well, that was how I felt on Sunday.

At least the island was clean when we left. And I think that I heard it sigh happily as we sailed away near dark. Or maybe it was just the wind and waves.

Happy birthday to US

Today is Independence Day. It's the 233nd anniversary of the declaration of independence by the thirteen United States of America. If you haven't read the Declaration in totality, you might want to give it a look. I especially found the following statement interesting:

"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Many of us have been bedeviled by a "long train of abuses and usurpations". And we are working to throw them off...every day.

It will be fun to watch fireworks tonight in celebration of the country's birthday. I'll have a prime spot to watch the fireworks from the sail boat.

I'm sure that it's going to be a zoo on the water. The marine law enforcement staff will be out patrolling and looking for people that are too impaired to operate a boat.

I've never understood why the Fourth of July has always evoked images of drunken barbecuing and massive parties. It has a lot more meaning than grilling hotdogs and drinking beer.

I hope that you enjoy this day and the meaning that it has for you.

Listen

We are off on the boat today. Everything is packed for several days. I thought that the following is a good summation of the frustration that can come from giving advice. I have always liked the idea that Al-Anon isn't about giving advice but about sharing our E, S, and H.

Have a great fourth. I'll post photos of the fireworks and beach adventures when I get a chance.
Stay safe.
_______________________________________________________
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen not talk or do-just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 25 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself, I'm not helpless Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous

Thursday thanks

This has seemed like a long week. Thankfully, today is the last day of the work week for me. I have tomorrow off. I'm staying in the day but also looking forward to a few days off.

Other than work today, I plan to go to the noon meeting. I'm meeting my wife afterwards to run an errand for the house. This evening, a friend is coming by to visit.

I plan on going on the boat. The fireworks for the July 4 celebration will be held about 500 yards from where the boat is docked. It's always a spectacular show. I remember going with my parents to see the fireworks when I was a kid. The fireworks shows of today are much bigger and more elaborate. I'll probably buy a few rockets to take with us so that we can have a little show on the island where we anchor the boat.

It's been hotter than a firecracker this week. And it looks like the heat wave will continue through the weekend. I don't think that there is any rain in the forecast until Sunday. And this is just early July. The garden is doing well because of an irrigation system. And the vegetables have been great. The corn crop got shared with the raccoons but that's okay. They have to eat too.

I don't have much else to share except some gratitude:

• I'm grateful for an invigorating row last night. We were bucking the wind and tide for over an hour and a half. The cheers from the tourists always help motivate when the muscles are straining.
  
• I'm thankful for those people in my life who are there when I need to talk. Yesterday, I contacted a few of you and you were there.
• I'm grateful for not disliking or hating anyone today. My capacity for acceptance seems to increase in proportion to my gratitude.
  
• I'm glad to be able to let go of a resentment yesterday by speaking my truth, looking at my part, and then moving on.
  
• I'm glad that I can disengage from the news and go read a good book. I'm tired of the media's fascination with the macabre.
  

Have a good Thursday.

When the drinking stops....

At the meeting last night, a lady shared that the problems in her relationship with her husband got worse when the drinking stopped. She said that "When a drunken a**hole sobers up, he's still an a**hole."

Unfortunately, quitting drinking can take away some behaviors, but basic personality traits are still going to remain. And then there's the added issue that brain dysfunction has been documented in 75-95% of recovering alcoholics.

I have found that living with my wife is much better than it ever was when she was drinking. Neither of us was without faults. We both needed to inventory our shortcomings. And coming out on the other side, I've found that taking care of my own recovery has been such a great gift to our relationship.

A major step for me has been to establish healthy boundaries. As one fellow shared, "My boundary was that I wasn't going to have anything thrown at me anymore." Some in the meeting laughed, but the reality was that it is a painful topic. I can remember a stack of plates being smashed to the floor. Thankfully none were thrown at me. My inventory showed that my role was to carp and provoke until the alcoholic had enough and went into a tirade. For some sick reason, I got satisfaction from provoking her to that point. So definitely I played a part in how I was treated by her.

I have heard shares from those who live with long-time sober partners who are still extremely self-centered, arrogant, and manipulative. Self absorption is indeed a big part of the alcoholic issue. But if I turn the tables, I can see that my own maturity needed a tuneup. I was often reactive, overly sensitive, and lost.

A solution for me is to ask for a pat on the back or for what I need when it doesn't appear that I'm giving or getting it involuntarily. I have also learned that cleaning myside of the street means giving before I receive. I ask myself "am I doing to others what I want done to me?"

We are now willing to discuss our feelings, rather than letting things fester. I am usually the one who brings up my feelings of rejection. I realize that I am sensitive about that. Yet, there are times that I need to discuss it. I am grateful that we can communicate on these issues.

Fortunately for both of us, we can be happy doing those things that we like to do. Not all of them are "together" things. I stay involved in those things that I like to do. I do my best to not rely on another to fill the hole within. If my wife would like to join me, that would be wonderful. If not, that's okay too.

Bottom line: I do not rely on her to fulfill my needs. That is my job. I rely on God to be there when all else fails. I also am striving to calmly convey my wants and opinions. It comes down to this: the alcoholic is going to do what they are going to do. It's what I'm going to do that holds the key.