Monday's random thoughts

I'm packing books in my office today, getting ready to move out for the renovation of the room. But those books that I'm packing are going home with me. I won't be needing them in my last 7 months here.

The weekend was a mixed bag of good things and a few miscues. The time on the boat was good. On Saturday evening as the sun was going down, I found myself thinking of my parents. I was wondering whether they are together again. In the days before my mother died, she told me that she had been dancing the night before with my father. I hope that they are dancing together now.

The weather has been stormy today. There's a northeast wind blowing in some cooler air. The days are shortening. I get up in the dark in the morning. The evening light has changed to a golden color that heralds fall.

My sponsees are keeping in touch with me. Their lives have been less volatile, and they seem to be getting the message of this program. I called a relative newcomer to my home group who is still under the thumb of alcoholism. It's hard to get the message through when someone is resigned to suffering.

I'm glad that this could be a short week if I decide to take off on Thursday and Friday. I have to go out of town for much of Saturday and Sunday. If I'm going to have any time sailing, I'll need to take off a couple of days this week. There's a tropical system brewing in the Caribbean so that may dictate how my work week and weekend activities turn out. I'm not worried. Either scenario will bring something unexpected.

"Random means without design, method, or purpose. It refers to utter chance. It helps us dismiss whatever appears to be beyond the control of our will.....The moment at random is the moment of holding nothing back, of giving our all to whatever situation is before us." Mark Nepo

Senility prayer

I am not a senior, but appreciate a bit of humor when it comes to getting old. However, reality smarts at times....

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind. Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

Anonymity

Lou's post yesterday and Mary Christine's today had me thinking about the topic of anonymity in Al-Anon. The following is some information that comes from Al-Anon literature and provides a good description of why anonymity is important in our fellowship:

Why is anonymity so often a topic at meetings? We guard the anonymity of all Al-Anon/Alateen and AA members. This means not revealing to anyone what we hear or whom we see at meetings, not to our relatives, friends or other Al-Anon/Alateen members. Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence. While each member has the right of decision regarding personal anonymity within the fellowship, the use of first-names-only reminds us that we are equals in Al-Anon. This keeps us humble and enables us to develop spiritually. From page 5 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity. The experience of our groups suggests that the principle of anonymity – summed up in Tradition Twelve as “the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions” – has three elements: There is anonymity as it applies outside Al-Anon, governing our contacts with non-members and organizations; anonymity within the fellowship; and anonymity as it contributes to our personal growth. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity in Al-Anon is a sacred trust, basic to our fellowship and its survival.
The principal of anonymity is essential for the newcomers to assure the confidentiality of their identity and all that is shared at the meetings, and with other members. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon. Members uses their full names within the fellowship when they wish. The degree of anonymity a member chooses (first name, pseudonym, or full name) is not subject to criticism. Each member has the right to decide . . .Anonymity goes well beyond mere names. All of us need to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing seen or heard at a meeting will be revealed. We feel free to express ourselves among our fellow Al-Anons because we can be sure that what we say will be held in confidence. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Special Note: Anonymity is a spiritual principle and cannot be used as a legal basis to shield criminal behavior, past or current. It is wise to remember that Al-Anon and Alateen meetings are not above the law. Members need to exercise care in sharing information that could require reporting to local, state, provincial and national authorities. From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Dual Members. “I am a member of another anonymous program. Recently I was asked not to discuss it at our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings. Why?”
Our meeting discussions do not include any other program or fellowship. When we talk about our experiences of becoming sober, drug-free, or how we stopped overeating or gambling, we take away from the Al-Anon focus. In Al-Anon, we focus on our common experience – having been affected by someone else’s alcoholism – and our recovery by giving and receiving mutual aid based only on that common experience. Those of us who are members of other
anonymous programs avoid openly revealing this at meetings, concentrating instead on the Al-Anon approach to the family illness of alcoholism. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Professionals. “As a psychotherapist – and an Al-Anon member – I feel that my professional experience can enrich our group’s discussion. Why have I been discouraged from sharing my knowledge at meetings?”
Those of us in the helping professions may be especially sensitive to the pain of others. We may sense the pain of fellow Al-Anon members and wish to share the benefits of our professional expertise. In Al-Anon, however, we meet and share as equals: no one is an expert. Our success comes from maintaining a nonprofessional approach, and from adhering to the principal of anonymity. We all have something to give and something to take from our meetings regardless of our educational, social or professional backgrounds. From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Outside Al-Anon. Tradition Eleven gives a specific guideline: “We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.” This gives potential members confidence that their identity will not be revealed when they join Al-Anon. Also, personal anonymity at the public level guards the fellowship from the Al-Anon/Alateen member who may be tempted to seek public recognition . . . [At these levels,] use only first names or
pseudonyms. In photographs for publication and in TV appearances, faces should not be recognizable. This may be achieved by back-to the camera or blurring of features in some way. It is, however, important to make Al-Anon known through our public information work with professionals who come into contact with families still suffering the effects of alcoholism. Such contacts, or course, make it necessary for the Al-Anon and Alateen members involved to give their full names. Al-Anon members also give their full names to interested doctors, spiritual leaders, school or industrial personnel. From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual
________________________________________________________________

Maintaining anonymity on this blog has been important to me. There are times that I wonder about whether I have revealed too much information. I also think that it needs to be clear that I don't represent the voice of Al-Anon but merely my own experience, strength and hope.

One of the great things about blogging is that it seems that there is a community spirit. But I also have to remember that the blogging "community" is "open" to everyone who has internet access. And writing is subject to much interpretation by the reader. There has been one instance where something I posted was completely misinterpreted, and I was judged as unfit to be read. And recently there has been mention of a blogger making inappropriate comments to another blogger in our recovery "community".

I have to remember that blogging is not like sharing in a meeting. It is easy to be preyed upon or to become prey when someone hides behind words. I like to remember that I won't write something to someone that I wouldn't say to their face. And I want to treat people in a manner that I like to be treated and with all the respect that they deserve.

Communication

Today's meeting was a a good one with the topic on communication. This is particularly apropos because of discussions with a sponsee who is feeling invalidated, unheard and unseen.

He is doing what I used to do--apologize for every thing, even when there was nothing to apologize about. I've since learned that apologizing constantly is a form of self-pity. Admitting my wrongs through a spot inventory is a good thing, but I don't need to apologize for the wrongs of others as well.

My sponsee was telling me how his feelings are hurt by the insensitivity and silence of the alcoholic in his life. For me, during the first year of our recovery, I had to essentially "take what I liked and leave the rest". I had to find peace and contentment within myself.

My sponsee is having a hard time not being able to share heartfelt concerns or feelings, or discussions about problems in the relationship. He wants his SO to show that she cares by listening, validating him, giving him some time, and to show concern when he speaks and talks.
His complaint is that his SO seems consumed with self and that her issues do not negate the need for validation, empathy, or communication. He is tired of trying to reason things out and getting little response which in turn leads to his feeling miserable.

This is the terrible dance that we do around an alcoholic loved one. She moves away, so I move forward. A solution that I found helpful was to not have expectations that another cannot fulfill. In the early months of my wife's recovery I had to learn to find peace and contentment by talking to my sponsor, by firming up my belief in a power greater than myself, and by doing what I could to not obsess over another person.

This wasn't an easy thing to do. In fact, I wasn't very successful at it for a long time. And I can still allow an expectation to ruin my day. But eventually, I learned that I could not get what I needed from another person, especially one who was having trouble loving herself.

So I had to work the program and look inside myself. I had to face up to what was reality as opposed to what I should have in a relationship. I needed to decide what I was willing to live with and accept and what I could not live with. Sometimes it does come down to thinking, "OK, this is what I can live with, imperfect as it is" or "No, this just won't do".

I know that I was blinded by what I thought a good relationship "should" be. With a lot of painful work, I came to understand that my joy, fulfillment, and even serenity could be found in many different ways. Not all of it needed to come from my wife. I came to accept that being angry with her for not being how I wanted her to be was grossly unfair. I don't need to take everything personally and punish someone else for not giving me what I want.

Gradually, we have come to a place where we can tell each other how we feel. And that includes saying things like, "I need to be by myself for a little while." Or "I am feeling anxious and out of sorts right now." I like being able to communicate honestly without being punitive.

I'm exhausted

Okay, I have to admit that I'm tired today. I feel good in my spirit and mind, but my body is just plain tired. Two days of walking miles on the beach, bending, sifting sand, and riding in power boats that pound on the waves has made my body weary.

I decided that I'm not going to row tonight. Instead, I'm going to go home, have a good dinner with my wife and her sponsor, and then read some blogs that I haven't had a chance to check this week and just chill out. I know when to say "enough" and to take care of myself.

I heard the news this morning about Ted Kennedy. I'm not going to discuss politics, but I do like the idea that he did a lot of good for a lot of people in his later years. I believe that his is a story of redemption. I also believe that people who have a dark side can move from that into the light. I've heard enough in the open AA meetings that I attend to know that people do get a second chance.

Sen. Kennedy had a brain tumor called glioblastoma multiforme. It is the same tumor that my cousin has. I called yesterday morning to check on how he is doing. His wife has some different ideas about how to deal with the tumor and the fact that my cousin has suffered a lot of cognitive disfunction from the radiation and other treatments as he has from the tumor itself. He is combative, incontinent, can walk only with help, and is demanding.

My cousin's wife has cared for him for over two years since the diagnosis. She believes in a healer who tells her of his progress. She believes that a team of dead neurosurgeons lives in his brain and are repairing things. I listen but make no disparaging remarks. Maybe her beliefs are what get her through a day of changing diapers, being screamed at, and having to endure uncertainty. Her beliefs aren't mine, but I've learned patience, compassion, and acceptance in the program. I've learned that there are many ways to survive getting through a day.

She told me yesterday that she could not put him in a nursing home. She simply loves him too much. I shall be lucky to end my life being cared for with such love.

When dark hits light

It was a lovely day on the beach yesterday. Walking and walking for miles. Doing photo after photo. All the things that make a day pleasant with sunlight dancing on the water and the sun warm on my back.

Last night though I had a dream from the past. My wife was in a bar and I was looking for her. I was wandering through rooms of a large hotel--like a maze. I finally found her and asked her to come with me as she was obviously drunk. She said that she didn't want to be with me and was fine where she was. Then she looked through me as if I was invisible. I woke up, reached for her, touched her back, and knew that she was right where she needed to be.

I haven't had the drunk dream in a long while. I used to have the dream that I had missed a heavy course, like differential equations, in college and had never attended a single class. I had to take the final exam to graduate and didn't have a chance in making up or cramming to pass.

But in recent years since she's been sober, it's been the drunk dream. Only on occasion does the old fear come out. It chased away the sunlight, the beach, the salt air and tried to cast a dark shadow over me. Touching her next to me, molding ourselves together chased that darkness away.

Today I prayed to do God's will and to stay in this day. I don't need to revisit the past, even in dreams.

Beach comber

The beach was awash with all kinds of shells from the higher than normal tides and the large swells from Hurricane Bill's passing. So today I get an opportunity to go collecting and photographing shells for a beach comber guide that my staff and I are putting together.

I am continually fascinated by what washes up with the tide. There were whelk shells, sharks' teeth, lettered olives, pen shells, scallops, arcs, and a unique "sand collar" which is actually the egg mass of a gastropod mollusc.

Sometimes there is man made flotsam that is fascinating. I've found lights from barges, many different kinds of anchors, and most recently, a Sampson post from an old ship. The Sampson post is a strong vertical post used for attaching lines. I brought it back with me and will clean it up to put in the library at home as a reminder of another age.

So today will be another great day weather wise. And I'll get to do some photography of the many things that wash up: Treasures that many people will pass by.

Enjoy your day. I'm grateful for a lot of things today, not the least of which is having a day outside the office to enjoy some salt air, good breeze, and washed up treasures.

A beautiful day

What a beautiful day here. I'm sitting on the sail boat watching puffy cumulus clouds overhead.

The tide is moving quickly past the boat. Kids are playing in the water and enjoying the beach. We just finished a nice lunch and will row to shore for our last walk on the beach shortly. It will be time to catch the incoming tide then for a sail back to the marina.

I so like this time we spend here. Every moment holds some magic. These are the days that I would like to last forever.

It's Friday

It's Friday which means that I am starting to look out the large window overlooking the Harbor and stare across the water to where my sail boat waits.

It's Friday which means that I'm going to meet with a sponsee at noon to continue with discussion of Step One. He likes to be powerless over selective things. I'm trying to explain that doesn't work.

It's Friday and we'll have a birthday celebration this afternoon for three staff who were born in August. There will be all kinds of home cooked desserts. My section is the only group that does this, and it has helped morale a lot.

It's Friday and I still have a scope of work to finish up before I leave. Working under pressure isn't normally what I like but this has been a busy week with lots of deadlines.

It's Friday and the big swells from Hurricane Bill may start to move this way by late afternoon. I hope they don't rock the boat too much which tends to make sleeping uncomfortable. I'll take a good breeze though. That keeps the mosquitoes and flies away.

It's Friday and the Manager's meeting is done. We sit around the table and go over updates. We talked about gasping flounders off Myrtle Beach today. And then we talked about moving all the stuff out of our offices as the renovators replace floors, ceilings, lights, etc. I was told that I could just pack lots of my stuff up and take it home since I was leaving in 8 months anyway.

It's Friday and my colleague just came in to talk about seeing the girl that he loves who is living with another. He is caught in a triangle (love) but not the right kind (Al-Anon). I told him to call his sponsor and get to a meeting.

It's Friday which means that I won't get around to reading all the blogs and commenting on many until at least Sunday evening. It generally takes me a week now to catch up with all that you write. But keep writing because what you have to say is inspiring, poignant, enlightening and powerful.

Have a good Friday.

Who's going to fill their shoes?

A group of us are retiring in late April. These are colleagues that I've worked with for many years--ever since I started my professional career. Their leaving is going to leave a void of a kind here. Many of the newer staff probably don't know who these people are or their contributions.

I'm equally guilty of not knowing who many of the new people are. When we were all just hired out of graduate school and full of self-importance, the night oil would be burning in the building. I would think nothing about staying until 9 or 10 PM to work on data, manuscripts, or other projects. My wife and I would also devote much of our weekend to working in the lab. That lasted for about ten years for me. Even on those days that we didn't come back in after dinner or on the weekends, we would talk about our work, discussing science and how to do it better.

The working of a lot of extra hours ended when we built our house in the country. We were no longer just five minutes from work but 40 minutes away. Yet, we continued to talk about work, what was wrong with the administration, and what our solution was. This was all pre-recovery talk. And sometimes we would have arguments with each other over differing views. We were driven in so many ways.

In the last three years, my wife and a bunch of "old timers" from work have retired. Their void has been filled with new Ph.D's who put away their pens and shut down their computers at the end of the day, not to return until the next morning.

Personally, I think that their approach is healthy. At this job, we all spend a lot of extra hours doing field work that revolves around the tides, or being on research vessels for several weeks at a time. It's part of being a scientist. So, it's okay with me to live a life filled with other things than work.

When my contemporaries and I retire, there will be other fresh faces to fill our shoes. I hope that they are filled with passion for the work that they do. But I also hope that they have a balanced life that is filled with hobbies, family, relaxation, and simple enjoyment of being. I'm grateful for those things in my life today.

Wednesday thoughts

I left the house at the crack of dawn to see the old WWII destroyer Laffey be towed out of the maritime museum en route to a nearby shipyard for repairs. She is full of holes from corrosion and her hull has been worn thin.

She was called the Ship That Would Not Die; yet, the sea has done to her what the kamikaze planes could not. So with no small amount of funding, the ship is going to be repaired so that she may return to the museum.

There were many veterans standing with me watching as she was pushed and towed into the Harbor channel. Some of these were men who had served on the ship. I can only imagine their excitement and anticipation at the thought of her being returned to a semblance of the ship that they served on. It made me feel good that she was getting another chance.

I could hear the tugs talking to each other on the VHF. They were being as delicate as they could with the old girl. The push boat was only there as a precaution because too much pushing could have punctured through the hull. The speed upriver to the yard was around 6 knots, enough speed to move with the tide but not enough to throw up a wake. I felt relieved when I heard that she had made it to her berth at the yard.

Everything seems like a wonder to me today. I'm feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually fit. My colleague got a sponsor at the meeting last night. He said that he prayed on his knees for the first time since childhood. My wife is going to her home group meeting tonight, and I'm going to go rowing. The God of my understanding is active and evident in my life. He filled up many of my holes with spiritual Bondo and gave me some extra plating so that I could stay afloat. I have a lot of gratitude for that.

Carrying the message

For the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to a colleague at work about some issues he has been having in his life. He and I share a lot of similar feelings and patterns when it comes to expectations in relationships.

I have been hesitant to mention my affiliation with Al-Anon to anyone at work; however, it has become clear to me that he is in a lot of pain. So last week, I shared some of my story with him.

I told him that I had found a way out of the despair. I had used a handful of simple principles to unravel a lot of my problems.

His interest was sparked. And I was willing to listen and share how I was working on my own recovery. We have done a lot of talking. I gave him a meeting list.

Last Friday night, he showed up at a meeting. He shared about his despair and his desire to break the patterns that have been destructive for himself and others. And yesterday, we went together to an open AA meeting and then to my home group meeting. I can see that he has a hunger for what the program has to offer. In fact, I see myself in him.

This is what is great about the program. This is the philosophy of the Twelfth Step made manifest. And for me, it is what keeps the program self-regenerative.

I am glad that he is willing to reach out. I hope that he gets peace of mind and serenity. I don't think that he will be a window shopper in the program who will go away without buying it. Rather I see the desire that I had to raid the store for everything I could find and then ask to see what's in the back room.

Whatever happens, I can give it away and let go. I can turn it over and keep coming back myself. This program is my choice. Someone else attracted me, and I have stayed. I believe that is my HP's will for me.

Grace

My wife and I watched The Soloist last night. I won't go into what it's about so as not to spoil it for you. But I did think that the movie captured a lot of good themes: friendship, grace, compassion, powerlessness.

But it was grace that seemed to strike a chord with me. It could be nothing short of grace to have the paths of two people from seemingly different circumstances meet. And it is grace that brings them together to learn from each other.

In the context of the movie, grace is expressed as a kindness from God that isn't deserved. It is a gift. And it has manifested itself in the lives of a homeless man and a reporter who does what so many of us do--tries to save someone, make things better in hopes that it will make us feel good.

I think that the scenes of the homeless in Los Angeles were particularly disturbing for me. It's another world that I haven't inhabited. And yet, the movie portrays homelessness as not being hopeless. Maybe that made it all the more poignant.

Tonight is my home group meeting. I'm chairing the meeting and will share some of my story. I think that I want to focus on "freedom from despair". That seems to be how this program has really worked for me, making me appreciate every day as having something new to offer. I guess that's grace in it's finest form.

Landlubbers

This has been a quiet weekend. We decided to take some time off the boat. So I went to a Friday night meeting.

There was a newcomer there who reminded me of myself. He shared what could have been my story. After the meeting, the fellowship surrounded him, gave him phone numbers, and invited him to a restaurant where a group of us went. I really like to see newcomers surrounded with love. I believe that he already has a grasp of what the program has to offer. I hope that he keeps coming back.

Yesterday we slept in, and then we went to brunch at a nearby restaurant. It was nice to read the paper, have coffee, and take all the time we needed.
Later, we went for a walk on the beach. All of this makes me grateful for the many blessings that I have.

I know that without the program of recovery I would have spent my weekend filled with worry, obsessing over the alcoholic and feeling sorry for myself. I'm glad that I'm in a better place today. I hope that you are also in a good place today.

Giving myself permission to not like everyone

Yesterday's meeting was a good one. The topic was about being powerless and having an understanding of what that means.

What I want to write about though is my own self-centered behavior. There is a lady who comes to this meeting only occasionally. She describes herself as a senior transplant from the northeast. She shares that she hasn't made many friends. Ordinarily, this would generate a lot of compassion, but I have to admit that she has a way of sucking the air out of the room when she shares.

Yesterday, she interrupted another member who wanted to share. She said that she needed to go first because there was something that was pressing on her mind. It was a very long share that resulted in her being cut off by the chairman. At the end of the meeting, she turned to me and asked if she could talk to me for just 5 minutes. I said sure and said that we could sit down and talk. She wanted to go outside the room because she didn't want others to hear what she had to say. I had no clue what it was about but figured that she wanted to talk more about her share.

Many in the group were planning to go to lunch to celebrate my Al-Anon birthday. My sponsor was waiting on me. I knew that the lady was long winded and to be honest, I find her off putting. I hesitated for a moment, but then said that yes I would talk with her. Several people then came over and started talking to me about lunch and giving congratulations. The lady was getting agitated at all this and was looking displeased.

Another member of the group saw the dilemma and came over saying that she would take the lady outside for a discussion. I felt this wave of relief wash over me. And immediately felt shame because I had not wanted to talk to her. I had said that I would but knew that I simply didn't want to have an intense discussion with her at that time.

The strange thing is that she came to lunch about a half an hour later with the member who had stayed to talk to her. And she seemed to have an enjoyable time. I was grateful for that.

My response to the situation bothered me and made me reflect on my behavior. I realize that we each have shortcomings. And there are going to be people with whom I simply don't mesh. There must be something that I recognize in her that triggers some discomfort in me. I don't like when this happens, but I'm glad that I recognize it. I am not sure whether this is being self-centered, or whether I can simply give myself permission to not like everybody. I am grateful that there was someone there who had a gift to give to this person that clearly I didn't have at that time.

I guess the Al-Anon closing sums it up: "After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you."

Three years

Today is the third year since my Higher Power guided me to my first Al-Anon meeting. I am grateful to be here today as a part of this wonderful program.

Many of you who read this blog know that I have spent much of my life studying the ocean. I also have a sail boat that I enjoy immensely. The ocean can be deceiving. It can be calm one minute and then turn into a raging beast that will take your life. Living with alcoholism is a lot like that. It is about uncertainty of knowing what to expect, how to steer. It is about being rudderless in a stormy sea.

I'm glad today to have the “life ring” of Al-Anon. I have found that this program provides a way for me to experience happiness, peace, and love. All I have to do is reach out and grab on. This program is truly a way of living. Al-Anon is the “life ring” that keeps me afloat in the roughest water.

When I came to this program, I was pretty much an empty shell of a person. I was drowning in self-pity, fear, resentment, and a host of other character defects. I felt like I was a failure. I believe that God put the right circumstance in my life at just the right time so that I could reach out for the life ring of Al-Anon. And because I trusted what He said, I grabbed hold and starting swimming.

I knew that this was a journey that would require fortitude and stamina. But I knew that this was going to be a great journey and one that could change my life. So I did what I was told. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, came to believe that I didn't have the answers, took the time to look at my character defects, recognized the pattern to them, saw how they absolutely polluted my life, listened to those who had the serenity I longed for, watched how they dealt with their "journey" by sharing their road to recovery, and tried to emulate that willingness and honesty through service work and attendance and sharing.

Today, I see each of you in the program of recovery as courageous. Just making the leap of faith to reach out for the life ring of any recovery program is awesome. Whether you are in calm waters or whether your life is still stormy, there is someone in these rooms who has been through it all.

I’ve seen the destruction of what alcoholism can do. I’ve felt lost and adrift. And if I hadn’t been willing to ask for help, my life would still be miserable. But one of the things about this program is that no one could take me off the sinking ship. All you did to help me was to point out that the ship is going down and that I had a choice: I could either reach out for the life ring of this program that was tossed to me or I could drown in self-pity, fear and resentment. So my part was that I had to become willing, open, and honest. I had to learn to save myself based on the steps of this program.

Today, I feel truly blessed. I take better care of myself spiritually and emotionally. I do my best to not place unreal expectations on others. I do my best to just live in today or the next 15 minutes if that's all I can handle. I've learned that fear, self-pity and resentment are my biggest enemies. I've learned that there are tools that help me defend myself against those enemies. I've learned compassion for the alcoholics in my life. I used to only be judgmental and angry. Although I still can isolate at times, I am not feeling alone much anymore. I have found new friends in Al-Anon. I feel understood and as if I belong.

I am grateful for the events and problems that led me here. I realize that God has done for me what I could not do for myself. I feel liberated from all sorts of self-inflicted torments. But I still have a long way to go. I still need to reach out my hand when I am in trouble. I realize that the journey continues. But when I look back over the last three years in this program I see how far I have come. I have a sturdy foundation on which to build the rest of my life. The life ring of this program is there. It never loses it essential form or purpose. It keeps me living life on life's terms with the help of God, one day at a time.

Thanks to all of you for being here with me on this journey.

Pulling together

I've been at a work meeting for the morning. Now it's lunch time so I decided to have some sushi--spider rolls, one of my favorites. I've been in an over-air conditioned building for the morning so it's nice to sit in the heat and humidity for a half-hour.

Later after work I'll be joining the rowing team for a workout. We may have eight rowing tonight. It's a good workout since we row for about an hour. Sometimes we have only four to row. That can be a challenge in a breeze and against the tide on the way out.

Our rowboat is a wooden 34 ft. replica of the pilot gigs that used to carry harbor pilots and crew back and forth to ships. I find the boat with it's long oars to be sturdy and serviceable.

We get photographed by a lot of people. There is something unique about a group of people pulling together in harmony to move without obvious effort to a destination. I like the feeling of belonging to the team.

Rowing is a meditative exercise. The cadence of the oars as they slice through the water is soothing. I sometimes entrance myself by counting my strokes. It's a way to keep the focus on the moment that I'm in.

The analogy of belonging in Al-Anon comes to mind. I'm part of that team that pulls for each other as we move in the direction of recovery. I am filled with gratitude for it.

I'm grateful to be a "part of" in so many ways today.

Beautiful broken shell

I had decided not to write anymore about the murder that occurred of my friend's sister. But I felt that I had to say that the murder was drug-related. I don't know any details other than the lovely, gentle woman who was killed had a history of substance abuse.

I felt anger as I thought about how many lives drugs have taken. And how many individuals that we pass on the street, rub shoulders with in stores, or who live in our neighborhoods are cold-blooded killers. It sends a chill through me.

So I'm going to share a reading from the memorial service yesterday. It helped quiet me and gave me some peace.

"It is low tide and I watch, mesmerized, as the
ocean rises slowly...curls... and then spills its
white-laced foam onto the shore.

I walk by a broken scallop shell...
and leave it to search for
more perfect ones.

But then I stop...
go back...and pick up
the broken shell. I realize
that this shell is me
with my broken heart.

This shell is people who are hurting...
people who have lost loved ones...
people who are frightened or alone...
people with unfulfilled dreams.

Broken shells teach us not to
look at our imperfections... but to look
at the beauty... the great beauty...
of what is left.

I watch the rolling surf
toss new shells onto the shore,
and I am reminded of the many times
that I, too, have been tossed
by the storms of life and worn down
by the sands of time, just like
my beautiful broken shell.
But I am reminded that broken
shells don't stand alone.

Help me to remain childlike in my appreciation for life.
Please slow me down...that I may always see
the extraordinary in the ordinary.
That I may always wonder at the shell in the sand..
the dawn of a new day...the beauty of a flower..
the blessing of a friend...the love of a child.
In my brokenness, may I never take life so seriously
that I forget to laugh along the way.
May I always take the time to watch a kite dance in the sky...
to sing...to pick daisies...to love...to take risks...
to believe in my dreams."
From My Beautiful Broken Shell by Carol Hamlet Adams

That's all that I have today.

Survival

The terrible pain of death is sitting heavily on our friend right now. And it is made even more difficult by the circumstances of death. Her sister was shot, her car burned, and she was left in a pond. Her body was not recognizable.

The situation was on my mind this weekend. We walked, sailed, talked, met up with friends, and did all the things that we normally do. Yet, my wife and I still talked during the night about the horror of having death come at the hands of an unknown person.

I understand that we each are beginning to die from the moment that we are born. Death, it has been said, is the other side of birth. And in some circumstances, death may bring some peace to those left behind. I've only begun to see that in recent years.

I suppose that if one can get through tragic death, one can survive just about anything. But for now, all the feelings of despair, longing, anger, guilt, frustration, and questions are going around and around and all that is being sought is relief from the pain. I do think that eventually there will be healing and understanding. And yes, even acceptance can come. But it takes time.

Here are some things that I found helpful to me as I worked through the loss of my parents:

I cried. I did a lot of that, much of it in private. But it helped to just let go.

I talked to others about what I was feeling. My wife, my cousin, a friend all heard a lot from me as I grieved. I just needed to talk and have others listen.

I searched for answers. I read about sudden death (my father's cause of death) and speculated about what caused my mother's death. I finally decided that I could read and read about it but I was not going to find any answers. The "why" question became worn out. I had to let it go because I would never find the answer.

Now I can write and speak about my loss. I am not grieving anymore. I know that my parents will always be a part of me. The acute pain of loss has subsided, and now I have memories that comfort me.

For a long while after my dad died, I wished that I had taken him to the hospital when he complained about feeling nauseated. I wish that I had understood that the need to be with him on the evening before he died suddenly was a premonition of his death. Now I have come to understand that I wasn't responsible for his dying. He might have died in the hospital. It was going to happen at some point. And he died the way that he wished, in his sleep.

With all of this, I've become much more attuned to our life cycle. Maybe it's helped me to be less uncomfortable and more compassionate with others. Even in these tragic circumstances, I'm not flinching or fearing anything. I only hope that some peace will eventually come to those who are grieving. I hope that they will have a desire to survive and can regain their balance and meaning in living.

Sunday thoughts

It's been a nice weekend out on the boat. I've thought quite a lot about the murder of a friend's sister that was discovered on Thursday.

My wife and I are going by the house tomorrow. I can't imagine how difficult this is for my friend and her mother.

I am going to enjoy the rest of the day on the water. I hope that your weekend is going well.

Life is precious. Enjoy it, live it and don' t waste it.

Do you make the call?

Yesterday in the meeting, a mother spoke about her daughter who is in a bad way from alcohol/drugs. She wasn't a newcomer to Al-Anon. Over the years, she had been down the road to hell to get her daughter out of scrapes, jails, debt and all the other woes that occur with addiction.

This time the mother doesn't know whether to initiate efforts to get her daughter into rehab. She doesn't know whether to make the call that will get her daughter off the streets. All efforts in the past were made, only to go through the heartache of relapse. She said that as a mother she wants to do what she can to get her daughter the help that is needed. But she said that the "powerless" part of her wants the daughter to reach out for help, to want to be well. The mother doesn't want to enable anymore.

I wished that Lou, Cat, Karen, Mom and Dad, Pam, Mary and other bloggers who have dealt with the struggles of having a child be addicted had been there to offer their E, S, and H. I know what I felt in my heart. I knew without much thought that I would do whatever I could to reach out to someone I loved to get them to a treatment facility. But as a member shared, he let go of any expectations once he made the call to get his son into treatment. He tossed the life ring; it was then up to the addict to grab hold and save himself.

I am glad that I don't have to make a decision about whether to jump in the water and place his hands on the ring and and then pull him to shore. My prayers go out to all of you who deal with these decisions on a daily basis and to those who are still sick and suffering. May God hold you in his hands.

Solitude or isolation?

GG wrote a great post on her blog G-Log about solitude versus isolation. She writes:
"To me, there’s a fine line between Isolation and Solitude. The isolation-part was and is very painful, where I'm expected to feel shame, resentment, of no-value as a part that doesn’t fit, nor wants to..... The solitude-part has always been wonderful and constantly grows in value and importance. The isolation part has to do with abandonment, betrayal, rejection, much fear, verbal self-abuse, self-loathing and bitter resentment."

I never thought about it as she described: the difference between solitude and isolation. I remember liking solitude when I was a kid. I could play, read, paint, and do any number of things for hours without feeling sad or lonely. I believe the solace of solitude left me as I matured and became more aware.

Somewhere along the way I began to feel that I didn't want to be alone--that there had to be someone there to share things with. This is probably when the co-dependency took root. I crossed the line from being happy with who I was to being melancholic and not in sync with myself. I believe that is when I began to isolate.

I don't know what brought about the transition from being at home with solitude to isolating. I have heard many alcoholics speak about how different they always felt, like they never fit in. Well, this Al-Anon felt that way early on in life. I learned to mask it well. I could be happy go lucky on the outside but inwardly I felt insecure around others, ashamed for friends to come over on the weekends, and wanted to hide what went on between me and my alcoholic wife. I truly isolated during those times.

I also know that I felt unhappy many times after I first met C. I began to attach far too much significance to her and much less to myself. And ultimately when I forgot who I was, I began to feel despair, self-pity, and isolation.

This joyless isolation was the behavior that I adopted as a result of the affect that alcoholism had on me. My life was dominated by the alcoholic drama. I couldn't count on myself or anyone else. I lost the idea that I had anything to offer because I was so caught up in what others were doing. There was no energy left over for me after the emotional drain of trying to fix the alcoholic or clean up their mess.

I think that my feeling "apart from" was an adaptation that I developed to distance myself from the crazy alcoholic relationships in my life. It was easier to beat up on myself and to build walls than to deal with the pain of living with alcoholism. I think that this is how I shut myself off from the "sunlight of the spirit".

I am grateful that I've learned to not shut myself off from God and being with people. Today I do those things that I enjoy. I don't want to isolate anymore. Instead, I can appreciate once again the solitude in which I write, meditate, play, and have a free spirit as I once did. And I can appreciate my own uniqueness. I have found who I am.

Content

Today is one of those days when I feel content, at peace with myself and those around me, and filled with certainty that all is going according to a much greater plan than I could devise. These days aren't rare anymore, but they aren't always consistently present either.

I made a card for my wife and gave her a little present last night. Such little things made her happy. I think that we are both so grateful for the little things that we have now. I suppose that I am easily pleased these days. The times of being hyper-critical of myself and others are diminishing. Today I'm viewing that as a positive thing.

I am grateful that I don't pick apart every meal to find something unacceptable. I don't want to pick apart friends or companions with impossibly high criteria that will only widen a circle of isolation. I wonder how much perfectionism and high standards are really masks for not facing my own shortcomings.

My contentment stems from an understanding that perfectionism sets me at a distance from others. And that distance enhances my feelings of being different which leads down a treacherous path. As Mark Nepo writes: "The devastating truth is that excellence can't hold you in the night, and .......being demanding or sophisticated won't help you survive."

Instead I'm glad to find that contentment is not dependent on circumstances or other people. Instead, it depends on my outlook. Circumstances may color the world around me but joy comes from deep within. And the extraordinary is everywhere around me if I just take the time to look. A jewel can be as bright as a diamond or be the dew on morning grass. Music can be the sound that comes from a Stradivarius or the rain on the roof. Taste can be a five-star meal in a fine restaurant or a hot dog cooked over a camp fire.

It's all good today.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.
—Helen Keller

Happy Sober Birthday

Dearest C.,
I want to tell you how happy I am that you made a choice three years ago to not take a drink. For the last 3 years, one day at a time, you made the decision to not drink. I can't tell you how many times I wished for that to happen.

It was nice to hear your happiness when you got calls from friends in AA this morning. You found your way to a place where there is much love and support. I don't know whether you will be sharing your story today or not. But I hope that a newcomer will be at the meeting to realize that it is possible to be sober and enjoy life.

I admire you for giving as you have freely received. You have never been one who thought of rewards, recognition, or personal gain. Instead I see humility and a desire to help others. I appreciate that you live by the idea of fulfilling your needs by giving away what you have.

And I see how much you enjoy life. I sense a lot of contentment and joy in you. Whether it is time that we spend together or those things that you want to do, there is peace within for which I am truly grateful. Thank you for the privilege to share my life with you. It's a good life that we have together.

Much love,
Syd

Positive thoughts on Monday

It was a great weekend on the boat. We left on Friday evening after a thunderstorm came through. Dinner that night was roast chicken, garlic and parmesan couscous and a Caesar salad. The mosquitoes were kept away by a good 15 knot breeze.

On Saturday, we got up after sunrise and went for a long walk on the beach. I thought that I felt a tinge of fall in the air but that may be wishful thinking. At any rate, the breeze was enough to keep us cool as we went for a long walk, collecting shark's teeth and enjoying the sound of the surf.

Our meals are a real treat after walking for several miles. Breakfast was honey cured ham, eggs, bacon, and whole wheat toast. That generally knocks us out for a nap. Then it's time for another walk and some reading time. Dinner on Saturday was London broil, garlic mashed potatoes, and fruit. The wind rose during the night and actually made things a bit chilly in the v-berth so we snuggled under a light blanket.

Sunday brought some thunderstorms in late afternoon. We still got our walk in which was another long one. I thought that I saw a water spout off in the distance. I did watch a boat sailing right between two large thunderheads with rain coming down on either side, yet the boat was lit up by sunlight. Beautiful!

Today I have a work meeting downtown where funding is discussed for next year. I am hoping to catch up on blogs soon. I only have use of my IPhone on the boat so it makes it difficult to check blogs and write comments.

I did want to list some of the blessings in my life. Mike over at Rambling Stuff suggested doing this on July 31. He wrote: "On July 31, share the things in your life that are positive. Count your blessings. Tell us why you are thankful."

So here are some of my blessings:

• I'm blessed to have good health that enables me to do a lot of things that I enjoy.
  
• I'm blessed to have some wonderful people in my life. I don't believe that I met these people by accident.
  
• I'm blessed to live in a beautiful place where there is evidence of God's bounty all around.
  
• I'm blessed to have a great job that has provided wonderment for so many years.
  
• I'm blessed to have a program of recovery that helps me appreciate the people, my health, my job, and where I live. Not much would be possible without my self-discovery.

Blessings to you on this Monday.

Heard in a meeting

Heard in a Meeting

What's in my head is about 0.5 cm removed from reality

God's love surrounds me by 360 degrees. My love is an acute angle.

I need only do a few necessary things in order to keep a lot of unnecessary things out of my life.

Meetings can be like a library. Some have a few great books while others have a lot of pulp fiction.

................................
I'm enjoying the weekend on the boat. It's been great so far. I hope that you are having a peaceful Sunday.