Teaching others to respect me

Most of us don't realize that we are all teachers. I can think of many instances where someone has provided a lesson for me, most likely without even being aware of it. These lessons may be very subtle, almost below the surface of awareness.

I know that I learned a lot of lessons from the alcoholic. I found that I lost respect for my wife because of the drinking. I reacted in negative ways. I became so obsessed with getting her to change that I forgot about the person that she was. I was obsessed with her problem and also forgot about myself.

It wasn't until coming to Al-Anon and going to open AA meetings that I learned the difference between hating the disease and not the alcoholic. Both programs taught me about having respect for others. I learned that everyone has the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage their lives.

I think that is how I began to see that in order for others to respect me, I have to respect myself. I've learned in the program to look at myself and to be aware of my actions and behaviors. I've learned not to control others but to let them go so that they can be their own person.

My actions and not reactions are what help others to respect me. I've learned to keep healthy boundaries but not show hate or contempt for another. I realized after being in Al-Anon that all the years that I spent in anger, disdain, and contempt really did nothing to help either of us.

However, there are times when I think that people in my life take me for granted, tune me out, or disregard my feelings. I know that these are sensitive areas for me. And that if I don't pay attention to the feelings, I will start to slip.

I suspect that the roots of this behavior began early on in my relationship with others. So what did I do early on? I put up with things in order to keep the peace, make a good impression, avoid confrontation, and generally get along in childhood and in my marriage. And so the people in my life learned what I would and would not tolerate and what to expect from me.

It doesn't take long for these "lessons" that I taught to become deeply ingrained. And then that leads to my complaints: "Why does everyone always take me for granted? I'm tired of being the "responsible" one. Can't anyone take me seriously? Doesn't my time matter? Don't I matter?"

So what's the solution? What can I do if I'm unhappy with how others treat me? I needed a new "lesson plan". And that's where the steps and traditions come in. So here's what I decided:

• It wasn't very productive to beat myself up over what I did in the past. I need to be gentle with myself. Screw guilt! I reacted before because I didn't really know how to react. I was just trying to survive. In the present, I can develop new behaviors.
• I can look at what I have been tolerating and make some boundaries that I want others to respect. I need to enforce those boundaries.
  
• I need to make it clear to others what my own needs, wants and dreams are. I need to decide what the new "messages" are that I want to send.
• I have the right to speak up when my feelings get stepped on. If I want to be treated well, I have to make an effort to explain what I need, rather than pulling back and struggling with frustration. It is up to me to provide enough information to others so that they know where I stand and what my boundaries are.
• It doesn't accomplish anything for me to feel helpless or like a victim. That just leads to blame, resentment and rescue attempts that make me feel bad.
  

I think that the biggest help to me has been keeping my emotions in balance and not being afraid to ask for what I need. By getting more in touch with what I feel, the good and the bad, I have gotten in touch with what I need in a relationship with others. It just feels much better to do that than to vent and complain.

Happy Trails--For Lou

Every person has the power to make others happy.

Some do it simply by entering a room --

others by leaving the room.

Some individuals leave trails of gloom;

others, trails of joy.

Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;

others, trails of love and harmony.

Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;

others trails of faith and optimism.

Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;

others trails of gratitude and hope.

What kind of trails do you leave?
by William Arthur Ward

Lou, you blazed a great trail in blogger land. You provided hope and courage to those who were struggling with the demons of their children. You showed me your strength, your compassion and your vulnerability. I think that the trail that I'm on has been made more passable by your presence. Thanks for that.

There is something that bothers me

On Friday, I received an email from a member in Al-Anon. It included a letter from his 10 year old daughter to the mother who has had a difficult time staying sober. The man wrote that he wanted to share what the daughter had written to the mother who is currently in rehab.

I don't feel good about posting large excerpts from her letter. But in the letter, the daughter said that her dad had told her that her mom was going to kill herself. She explains that it felt "like a bomb hit her heart". She goes on to write that she has spent months wondering where her mother is, wondering why her mom stole from her, and why her mom can't stay sober.

The daughter writes that she can't relate to anyone at school because she can't tell anyone how she feels. She can't forgive her mother for the lies, lies to her and to her father. She writes of her sadness that she doesn't have a mom who can brush her hair.

Her admonition in the letter is that the behavior around alcohol makes her father sad. He cries at times. The child asks, "Do you want to do this to your husband? What happened to the person you were?"

Finally, the letter ends with the daughter expressing love for her mom, but that she doesn't want to communicate anymore if alcohol is chosen over her and her father.

This is obviously a letter filled with pain. The picture that I got from this is one in which the daughter is angry, sad, and disturbed. I wrote back to the husband who I know from meetings. I wrote that it seems that the daughter would benefit from working with an Alateen sponsor. There is an informative pamphlet for Alateen - I think it is "If your parents drink too much?"

What I find really sad is that the daughter feels that she needs to be a buffer between the mom and dad. This is so typical of a child trapped in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. Somehow, the child needs help to see that her mother has a miserable disease that no one can control or cure, except for her.

I decided that I would keep the family in a special spot in my God box. It takes time to believe in the first three steps but a keen awareness of the presence of a Higher Power helps me to get through the tough stuff. Sometimes He just lets things stew - then He steps in and cleans house.

I think that there were a couple of things besides the pain that bothered me. The first was that I don't know how wise it is for the 10 year old to be told that her mother tried to kill herself. There are just some things that seem too harsh to reveal. Maybe that is just my fear surfacing, but it felt as if the child was a pawn in the family duel.

I also have come to realize that I had to quit blaming the alcoholic for everything. That's where Alateen would have helped me so many years ago. I'm hoping that somehow this family will begin to heal.

Feelings

I wanted to share with you some information from an Al-Anon workshop on the three F's: Feelings, Fears, and Freedom. I'm going to spread this out over three weeks, posting the information on Saturday. I found the information helpful in getting past a lot of negative feelings, especially for those who are fairly new to the program.

1. Before Al-Anon, I soothed my deeply hurt feelings in luxurious baths of self-pity; indulged in hot anger, violent reproach, neurotic frustrations; and retreated to avoid embarrassment, shame and to escape feelings of guilt.

2.Pain is a necessary part of the program. Through suffering, if I accept it for the good it is meant to be, I can grow, can achieve an understanding that success is not just in material things, in living a pleasant happy life but in overcoming defects of character, in suppressing my selfishness and in having compassion for others. Pain is the price I pay for a deeper understanding, a richer more meaningful life.

3. Self-Pity and Resentment: I fooled myself when I didn't face up to these two character defects. To soothe my bruised ego, I stayed in situations because I was concerned about the alcoholic loved one, and because I wasn't sure where to go. I have worked on changing these two feelings with courage and detachment and the help of the program by daily practice of the principles in all our affairs.

4, Rejection and fear of rejection: These feelings make me feel anger. If she didn't love me enough to quit drinking, then I would show her that it didn't matter anymore; I would simply reject her from the important parts of our life. Then I added two more feelings to these - guilt and revenge. I came to accept through this program that that drinking is not a deliberate reflection of indifference and has nothing to do with love. I could then become free of the rejection, guilt and anger that I've felt for so long. I'm still working on this one as rejection goes back a long way for me.

5. Reassurance: A suffering Al-Anon member will respond to simple acts of kindness given with love and understanding, but remember, the new member needs constant reassurance. When the road way becomes tough, encourage them to dig deeper in the program. Each of us can learn to live peacefully with troublesome problems.

6. Resentment: A feeling becomes a resentment by reliving it. It isn't what happens that counts, but what I choose to do about it. Allowing things to affect me unduly and harping on something over and over means that I am fostering a resentment. I am allowing a pinprick to become a stab in the heart.

7. How do I resolve a resentment? I need to realize what the resentment is and accept my responsibility for my share in it and then make amends. I want to build relationships. Carrying the grudge or hurt will destroy it. I need to train myself to live each day as a new beginning and to not burden myself with yesterday's problems.

8. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I need faith and hope to endure life's hazards. Giving in to constant doubt kills faith and hope.

9.Best of all possible gifts is a tranquil mind. I can sort out the things I can't change. By working the program, I seek to accept those things and not rebel against them. I learn to change what I can. Whether or not I caused my own turmoil, only I can give myself a tranquil mind and an accepting heart.

10. Meditate and count my blessings - forget the failings - dwell only on what I have that's good.

11. I can picture mountains of resentments overgrown by the green of envy; valleys of despair; roadways that are strewn with self-pity and ill-will. (Sound familiar?) But with a Higher Power, I travel a road where I learn to level those mountains of resentment with straight thinking; fill my valleys of despair with hope; say the Serenity Prayer and change rebellion to acceptance. The best way to help myself it to help others - I forget my own hurt when I am working with others.

12. Anger: I used to blast back in anger when someone offended me. I've learned to recite the Serenity Prayer often during these moments and slogans such as: Think, Easy Does it, and Live and Let Live. Thee will help to put me back on the sane road. To rid myself of resentment and self-pity, I clean house mentally and spiritually. Daily cleaning frees me from the build-up to trash, grime and dinginess that often leads to anger and resentment. For this I use the broom that never wears out - the 12 steps and our program of daily living.

13.Sharing - I can't give another person hope and serenity by mouthing slogans and principles, but by giving of myself, sharing my experiences, strength and hope; by caring about the other person enough to truly give with love. This is how I received the message myself.

14. Learn to laugh at feelings and fears, Learn patience made up of faith, hope, love and courage. Without these ingredients in my life, I can not contemplate tomorrow. Without love, man wouldn't be bothered with anything but himself. I don't need to dwell on bitter disappointments; instead, I can concentrate on who and what helped me. I prefer to remember kindnesses rather than dwell on hurts. I have learned to listen with an open mind, and am learning to live with serenity and confidence.

Action

I enjoyed the meeting yesterday. The topic was about how we carry the message of the program. I like that topic.

Many don't think that it's possible to carry much of a message when one is new to the program. But I think that there are a lot of ways to carry the message. I think of it as service as suggested in the Twelfth Step. Service which is Al-Anon's third legacy is vital for the fellowship. It means that I strive to do as well as to be.

Anything done to help a relative or friend of an alcoholic is service: a telephone call to a despairing member or sponsoring a newcomer, telling one's story at meetings, forming groups, sponsoring Alateen groups, arranging for public information, distributing literature, and financially supporting groups, local services, and the World Service Office.

I tell my sponsees to just talk to the newcomers. Get their phone number. I'm always grateful when a newcomer shows up as one did yesterday. She was brought by an AA friend of her husband who is now in detox. She shared that her guilt about "kicking" him out was overwhelming. But she didn't know what to do, how to fix him, how to take away his alcoholism. All of this is a reminder of where I was, how far I've come, and where I don't want to be again. A lot of people stepped up after the meeting to talk to her and encourage her to keep coming back.

Sitting and listening to newbies vent or cry, listening to an older member going through tough times and unable to "see the light" at the moment, can often be sad. But usually another member will share something uplifting, saying what helped them and carried them through the tough times. That is another way to carry the message, and it's a gift that I can bring to a meeting that might just change the tone.

I can remember when I never thought that there would be anything funny at a meeting. There was absolutely nothing to laugh about. This was alcoholism, damn it and it was heartbreaking. Now, I can see the humor in lots of things that I share. More often than not, we begin to learn to laugh again. A lot of that comes from just having gratitude over the small things.

I know that recovery is "a way of life" rather than "a program". I am learning how to live life in a healthy way. For me it means taking what I learn and applying it to everyday life, to everything in my life.

It's a we program

Many thanks for all your supportive comments and prayers for my wife's sponsor. She is having surgery this morning to remove the 2 cm tumor on the brain. The surgeons don't seem to think that much can be done for the lung that is cancerous. But some time will be "bought" by doing surgery. She is upbeat and has decided she wants to have quality of life for the time left.

The local AA community has rallied to be supportive as well. All of this reminds me that this is a "we" program. As you have shown me, there are those smooth sailing days but then life intervenes and tough times occur. But I know that my Higher Power is in charge all the time.

I can choose to have a really good day even when the waves are rushing at me as they were yesterday. I know that even if the light at the end of the tunnel looks like a train ready to bear down on me, it will eventually pass on by. I give a lot to this program, but I receive so much more back. The friends that I have here and at my meetings are priceless.

Al-Anon is not my whole life, but it has made my life whole. This is a "we" program. We all have our ups and downs. When I'm down, you can help me by sharing your experience, strength and hope. It works great.

Sad news

Some of you may recall that my wife lost her sponsor a few months ago to cancer. She had developed a close relationship with her sponsor's sponsor, T., so she became my wife's new sponsor. They have developed a closeness that can only come from sharing, trust and love.

Today my wife received news that T. has been admitted to the hospital with two lesions on her lung and a mass on her brain. We are both full of sorrow. I guess that's putting it mildly. It feels more like my guts have been kicked in.

I am having difficulty concentrating at work. My wife is on her way to the hospital. I am praying for T. and others who are sick and suffering. I am doing my best to not cry. This is all a lot to deal with at the moment.

PS: I've decided that reading blogs is a good thing to do for an hour or so. And what you have written has made me smile and feel a lot of gratitude. These are life experiences that happen. As my dear mother used to say, "And they will happen more and more the older you get until you hope to be the last one standing." She generally made me smile too.

Please Listen to What I am Not Saying

At one of the meetings I attend, there is a Beginner's Meeting. Almost every week, there are 2-3 beginners that show up. I often lead the Beginner's Meeting. I think that it's important for them to get a chance to talk about why they are coming to Al-Anon and provide them with some basics about the program.

I think that it's important to share some of my experience, strength and hope with them. And to let them know that they are not alone in their feelings. So I found the following particularly profound. It reminded me of what it was like for me just before I understood surrender.

"Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters are calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth-- underneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in fear of being found out. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a calm, sophisticated front to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation and I know it. It's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. Laughter would kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a front of "having it together," but a trembling child hides within. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter to you in a cool tone; I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen to what I am not saying.

I dislike the phony game I'm playing. I'd like to be real and spontaneous, and show you who I really am. You've got to hold out your hand even when it may seem to be the last thing I want, and need. Only you can awaken the aliveness within. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- small wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long time of feeling inferior builds strong walls.

The nearer you appraoch me, the harder I may strike back. It is irrational, but I am irrational. I fight against the very things I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try and beat down those walls with firm but gentle hands-- for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I? You may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every new comer you meet."

From the book called "Stepping Stones To Recovery from Codependency" by Katie C and Deb M

When Hugo came to town

Twenty years ago today, I crawled out from the closet under the stairs and opened the front door of the house that we had just built. What I saw made me catch my breath. I couldn't find the front yard because there were limbs and debris everywhere. The smell of ripped wood and torn leaves permeated the air. Hurricane Hugo had come to the Lowcountry.

My wife and I had decided the day before to stay even though there were dire warnings to get out. We boarded up the windows of our newly built home. I thought "This house is built like a fort with hurricane clips and earthquake rods. It can withstand anything." It sits on relatively high ground for this island with 23 ft. at the first floor elevation. I knew that storm surge from the creek could flood the property.

We had all the supplies that we needed. We did all the hurricane prep stuff. We listened to the head of the County Council tell everyone to evacuate. And we listened to the final statement that we were to hear for 23 days because of having no power. That message stated that if you were still in your home, it was now too late to leave.

As the day turned to night, we listened to the radio until finally that went off the air. When water started coming through the ridge vents and running down from the ceiling fans, that's when we moved to the closet under the stairs. The lights went out and with our cat and dog we listened as the wind howled and limbs hit the house.

It was a night that seemed to go on and on. And finally, when it was over and the dawn came, we realized that we had been lucky. Yes, every leaf had been stripped from the trees, there were broken limbs everywhere, but there had been no storm surge here and no damage to our house.

We later learned that others had not faired so well. There was massive destruction north of the city. The beach communities were ravaged. The beautiful national forest suffered major damage. Trees were snapped like twigs. Lives were lost, lives were changed.

But there were advantages from such a tragedy, as there inevitably are from all such things. People helped each other. We worked together to clear the downed trees from our road. We shared a generator with neighbors to have water from our well. We had community suppers where we all cooked something from our defrosting freezers. There was a sense of community, survival, and gratitude.

Since Hugo, there have been other hurricanes with greater destructive power: Andrew and Katrina wrought much more damage and suffering. Those storms hit highly urbanized areas whereas Hugo's path took it through a less populated area of the coast.

At the time, I didn't think that I would see things return to "normal" in my life time. The forest is still healing through new growth. The trees have leafed out. The houses were rebuilt. The spirits of the people returned. And the sense of community that pulled us together gradually dissipated. Some of the neighbors moved away because they didn't want to face another hurricane. The man who loaned us a generator died four years ago. Times have changed and many don't remember or know what it was like.

But today I reflect briefly on that storm. And I'm mindful of how quickly the material possessions can be gone. But what is left is our indominable spirit and a great sense of pulling together for the good of all. And gratitude for just this one day when the sun is shining and the breeze is light.

Who I answer to

I got a lot of responses from the post yesterday. I found the letter from a spouse of an alcoholic to be provocative too. That's why I posted it.

This wasn't a letter written about my current situation, as some of you thought. I certainly have been in that situation many times. I've felt frustrated and wondered why I wasn't being treated with a lot of love and respect by the alcoholic.

I don't wonder about that now. I know that I don't need to seek approval from others. And that ultimately I need only answer to my Higher Power. My approval rating is dependent on little other than what I think of my myself.

The letter though provides a sampling of how we who have lived with alcoholism aren't different in our feelings from the alcoholic, which is something that I've written about before. As my sponsor likes to say, we do our insanity without drinking.

I'm enjoying a wonderful day today. There is an exceptionally high tide that I photographed this morning. I believe that there will be a thunderstorm later. I always liked the quote below. I think that the tide in my life is flowing at the moment, and I'm grateful for that.

"There are tides in the affairs of men, definite periods of ebb and flow." Thomas Wolfe

From the spouse of an alcoholic

I am the spouse of an alcoholic---one who cannot handle alcohol. From my point of view, this makes me what I would call a ordinary alcoholic because I can handle neither you or the alcohol. Both our lives became entangled in a brew of frustration, fears, and lost hope.

Now, in an effort to recover, I find that we are no different really, because it's not the presence of the alcohol but the lack of it that makes us what we are. It's the feelings that we have in common. You see--- sometimes I'm afraid of what tomorrow may bring. Or perhaps I am hurt by a situation or someone. Sometimes I have feelings I cannot find words to express. I have hopes and dreams for tomorrow as well as for today.

I have needs, also. I need to be loved and to be shown that I am loved. I need your approval many times--do you not need mine? When I hurt deep inside, I need you to try and understand. Don't be angry with me or impatient, because I have enough trouble handling the hurt without trying to handle your anger and impatience at the same time. Would you not want the same consideration from me when you are suffering from some hurt or frustration? I know you give your fellow alcoholics this consideration because I have watched you do so.

Then comes the state of sobriety. Is sobriety your own private gift? Sobriety is not the lack of drinking to me-- that's just " dry." Sobriety of good quality is more then that. It's being able to be happy amid problems. It's the absence of unnecessary fear and anxiety. It's the presence of love and concern for others as well as from others. Sobriety is a feeling of contentment and well being. Sobriety is recognizing the presence of God not only in ourselves and others but also in the world around us. Can you now see why I need sobriety, too?

You say your sobriety must be maintained " at all costs." You say just want understanding and support. Do you think that my sobriety is less important then yours? So, I stuck around during your drinking because I love you. What I wanted was to be loved, remembered and understood in return. As my love for you must be patient and understanding, do you think I need less from you? As your recovery needs my support--does not mine need yours? You're supposed to be my partner. A partnership is a relationship involving two people of equal importance, so don't shove me in the corner. I cannot survive there. As you recognize the pain and suffering to your fellow alcoholics, recognize mine and I will recognize yours, Don't you see that we are really alike? Don't you hurt, cry, laugh, smile, hope, feel angry, frustrations, disappointments, and worry? Don't you need to feel loved and remembered, supported, useful, and cared about by me as well as by others? So do I.

I have learned to accept all the feelings that you have, and that you tried to escape from them by using alcohol. Now that you have discovered these things in yourself---take one more step. Look again--are we any different? I ask you---who am I?
Source: Anonymous

So glad that it's Friday

This has been a long week for me. I'm very glad that today is Friday. I had my biweekly manager's meeting today. Dealing with a parental director who is a control freak is taxing. I just keep my mouth shut and do the best to get through the meeting.

It seems that every moment of the week has been filled with activities. I've been to three meetings and had two other sponsee meetings. I've finished up some service work for the district and will be attending the district meeting tomorrow. Plus, I've done my work for which I'm gainfully employed. Add to that last night's work on the boat's electrical system, and I'm a tired puppy.

I have also stayed up way later than usual being glued to the news. It's like watching a train wreck. Finally, I get enough of the bickering to see that nothing is going to be resolved. I am stunned at the amount of misinformation being slung about and the malevolence that tops that off. It does not make for much serenity.

Last night, a suspect was arrested in the murder of a friend's sister that I wrote about last month. She was involved with drugs, got in with some bad people, and was shot. Now a 21 year old has been arrested. So the family will now have a long ordeal of the trial and all the stuff that goes along with that. I am afraid that my friend may be drinking too much. She is gaunt, hollow eyed with grief and anger. She is driven to see justice. I wonder at what price.

I am going to leave work a bit early today. Then I'm going to the boat, taking a nap and working on doing some varnishing (or vanishing--thanks Daave!). More electrical work is in store for tomorrow. Enjoy your Friday.

This is an honest program

All the talk on news shows about racism has made me examine my own thoughts on the subject. I have always considered myself to be open minded and yes...liberal in my ideas. I like to think that I don't judge people and have great compassion for others.

But this is an honest program. And in doing an inventory of myself last night, I realize that there are some elements of racism within myself. And that I do have some judgmental thoughts. These are not thoughts of hatred or dislike but thoughts that come up almost as a reflex when I see an interracial couple, or young men with baggy pants hanging out on street corners. These same thoughts of judgment come up when I see a morbidly obese person. And yes, when I see two men kissing there is a bit of feeling uncomfortable. I don't like this about myself. So I decided to look deeper at some of the reasons.

I suppose the overriding factor is that I have been exposed to the stereotyping of others. I grew up in the South where there were lots of racial tensions. I believe that the element of fearing those who are different from me and viewing them in a "less than" way was something that I heard a lot about on TV, in schools, and even in the church. It's almost as if there is a hypocritical thought process that occurs--yes, you are my equal but only up to a point.

The south that I grew up in and inhabit today continues to hold up white America and its cultural values as the right, good, and ideal. I hear it all around me, not overtly, but with insidious overtones. I think that being self-righteous is dangerous. It is designed to create discontent and can lead to making people feel that they are "less than". I know because I have felt "less than" over many years. And that is why I developed an attitude of self-hatred as well.

Thankfully, I know in my mind and heart that no race is superior to another because superiority amongst any race, culture, gender, class or even individual doesn't exist. We are all God's children and we are one species Homo sapiens. But there are differences in culture, religion, artistic expression, and a host of other attributes that make us who we are. I find that when I accept the differences, embrace them, and am in awe of them my judgments disappear.

Just as I don't sit around and contemplate whether the oak is more beautiful than the maple or the lion more powerful than the tiger, I realize that there is much good that comes from having diversity in nature and in our cultures. I don't fear diversity in nature, in fact I find it fascinating. I realize that the differences amongst us humans teach me much more than if we all had the same thoughts, ideals, intellect, and culture.

So my self-realization and inventory showed me that I need to continue to work on accepting and not judging. I do know that if I let fear, ignorance and hate separate me from others, I am not practicing the principles of the program in my life. It is only by embracing others with open mindedness that I'll be able to garner the appreciation, respect, and awe for not only the differences that exist among us but also for the uniqueness that exists in myself.

Like sparkling diamonds

The light of a fall day has a different feel to it. Maybe it's the lower humidity, but everything seems to have greater clarity. The sky appears bluer and the water sparkles as if a million diamonds were strewn on it.

Yesterday, my wife made a pot of chili. It isn't cold here yet. Fall doesn't come to the Lowcountry until November. But it's the feel of something different in the air, as if I'm waiting in anticipation.

The shrubs and trees know the seasons. Leaves are already losing their green and beginning to look worn and darker. The sycamores are the first to change here. Their plate like leaves turn brown before others. The beauty berry bushes are putting on a show with their purple fruit. Acorns are beginning to drop from the oak trees. The last tomato plants have been pulled from the garden and the fall plants are in the ground.

I'm still wearing tee shirts but have worn a pair of blue jeans for the first time all summer. I know that soon enough the flannel shirts will come out. But I will still won't put away the summer clothes until I'm sure that the back of summer is broken.

In the morning, I want to stay in bed burrowed under the light coverlet, smelling the warmth of my love sleeping next to me. But I get up, make coffee, watch the sun come up through the trees, and let the dogs out for a romp. They are bursting with energy, liking the cool mornings.

My walks on the beach are filled with more energy. The tide has been high for the past few days, as it inundates the marsh grass and glistens against the green and gold hues. The fiddler crabs scurry about, but I am sure that they know in their simple way that a change is coming.

Fall is my favorite season. It is a time of nostalgia, a time when I feel myself turning inward, reflecting just as the sunlight sparkles like diamonds on the water.

The path

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." from Alcoholics Anonymous

I like being reminded that the path to recovery has been blazed by others before me. Those individuals who began AA and Al-Anon wrote down what worked for them. And they passed it along to others, countless others, the most fortunate of which have learned a new way to live.

Occasionally in meetings, I hear someone ask if they can sponsor themselves. In Al-Anon, the word sponsor is used quite a bit. It is strongly suggested that those who work the steps get a sponsor who provides guidance on working the steps. Frankly I found that I needed the support
or perspective that only a sponsor could provide.

I found that the path to recovery wasn't treacherous. I trusted my sponsor to be a guide for me. He helped me around the obstacles that sometimes seemed insurmountable: trusting a Higher Power, letting go of control, learning to love myself. I didn't always see a clear path. And often I preferred to try the blocked path over and over, rather than look for a clear passage.

I have marveled at how fish, such as salmon, are able to find their way back to their natal stream. The going is rough and with miles of rapids and even waterfalls to leap. Yet, they persist in trying to find the stream where they were born. Sea turtles have a similar drive to lay eggs on the beach of their birth, and may swim many thousands of miles to reach that goal.

I'm glad that I finally found a clear path. It is sometimes uphill. I see how difficult it is for others to trust that the way is clear if one can persevere. But I'm glad that I did.

Feeling the loss

I've been cleaning out my office now for about a week. I've packed up my books and personal effects. What I'm still dealing with are the many boxes of reprints of published papers that I've accumulated over the years.

As I go through each box, I see the names of those individuals I have known in this long career. Some of these people were like heroes to me. I read their published work, thought about their ideas, incorporated some of their methods into my own studies.

I see the names of those who have long ago retired. I read the inscriptions from those who have been dead for many years. These people shaped my career. I feel sad as I look through these papers. The sadness is not only about their having moved on but about the impending move that I'm going to make in a little over six months. And yet, there is something more to this feeling than just the idea of leaving this job.

I think that what I am feeling is my own aging, my own loss of enthusiasm for the work. When I was finishing up my dissertation and just getting started in this career, I wanted to be at the top of my field. I wanted to be like my scientific heroes.

And now, after all has been said and done, I have accomplished quite a bit of what I set out to do. In the process, I took on chairing this department which meant more administrative work, more grant writing, and more efforts at keeping staff employed. Some part of me feels as if I sold out, gave up my heroes and true scientific pursuits. Another part of me screams that the love of science is still there, but that this is just a progression of life: To move on and begin a new chapter. I can't help thinking that I'm where I'm meant to be and that my heroes probably have felt the way I'm feeling at one time or another.

Meanwhile, all my reprints are going to the library here. They will be catalogued and put into the collection for others to use. Maybe some of the new staff will chance upon a reference that inspires them to find their own scientific hero.

Our pet's journal

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary ......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat 's Diary .....

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.

He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

This day

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." Washington Irving

Today is another day, another opportunity to live as if this were my only day. It's a day for me to stop thinking about how much better life would be if "this" happened or if I had "that".

I never know what circumstances will come along to extinguish the life that I now have. It could be a tragedy of unspeakable proportions, it could be a health issue. I don't know the hour or the day when life will end. God alone knows that.

Instead I choose to live my life without regrets or expectations that there will be more to come. I hope that there will be. I don't want to take anything for granted anymore. I don't want to project about what could be, might be, or should be.

Instead, today I remember how fragile and brilliant living is. Today I don't feel hatred or revenge. Today I realize that regardless of our differences, we are basically all one group of flawed humans. God help me to do your will and to be grateful for having this day as a reminder of that.

Mean what you say, say what you mean but don't say it mean

I watched the President's speech last night. I am interested in what he has to say. I am interested in the reactions of those in Congress. I am curious as to whether the two parties will be able to come together for the good of the nation. The divide lately seems as big as the Grand Canyon.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. I am writing about the elected official from this state who shouted out, "You lie" after a remark by the President. It appears that Rep. Joe Wilson shouted this out in an emotional moment. He has since apologized for his outburst.

I guess everyone who is in politics has to develop tough skin. Things can't be taken personally. And I've found over the course of being in a career that can have its controversial moments, the natural reaction is to react when something is said that goes against core beliefs. And in dealing with alcoholism, I've found that reaction was how I lived every day. I often felt misinterpreted, misunderstood, and reacted because I felt the need to take a defensive posture. That is how it used to be and for many still is the primary reaction.

So I thought about Rep. Wilson's inappropriate and rude reaction. He obviously feels passionate about the health care issue. But I am reminded of what we say in Al-Anon which is to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

Often I've used the wrong words in the heat of the moment. I haven't really said what I meant at all. I wish that I could take back those words that came out of my mouth. I clearly needed to learn to mean what I say.

I have learned to reflect on the intent of what I say. I like the idea of believing in what I am saying enough so that the true message will be clear. If I don't really believe in what I'm saying at the moment and I'm just caught up in some drama, then I need to hold my tongue. The right moment will come in time. I'm sure that Mr. Wilson is reflecting on the idea of restraint of tongue (and pen) today.

And finally there's the key which is to not say something mean. I have looked back after an outburst and wished that I could take back the words that were said. Now I can THINK about what I'm going to say and not bypass reason in order to deliver a knock out punch with words.

So yes, I can be passionate in my beliefs, and yet I don't have to personally attack anyone, even if there are major differences. I have found a much more effective way to communicate. And maybe the other person will see my side of things or even admit that there is more than one viewpoint, if I am clear in what I say, reflect on what I am about to say, and say it without vengeance or rancor. I think that offers more in the way of reconciling differences.

"The man we feel most self-righteous toward may be the man we could learn the most from. When we stop focusing on him, we may notice he touches our most sensitive area. We're all creatures of God and equals in God's sight. The ways we create inequality are the ways we fall short of God's wisdom." Thought for the Day

A lot of gratitude

It was a great weekend in so many ways. I took off from work on Friday and Tuesday which really made for a long weekend with Monday being a holiday.

I made a quick trip out of state, came back and went on the sail boat for a couple of days. The weather couldn't have been better. The breezy conditions kept the temperatures pleasant and the biting insects away.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it back in time last night to chair the Beginners' Meeting at my usual Tuesday night meeting. I like to do that meeting because I believe that Beginners are so important to the program.

Unfortunately, there seems to be little interest by others to volunteer to work with Beginners. If I don't show up, the Beginners get incorporated into the Step Study meeting.

Al-Anon has a great suggested format for doing a Beginners Meeting. I've found it to be particularly useful in introducing them to the Al-Anon program and informing them about the disease of alcoholism. It is also good to let the newcomers discuss their experience and motivation for coming to Al-Anon, something that doesn't always happen in formatted meetings.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity when I first came to Al-Anon to be part of a group that thought the newcomer was important. I found patience, compassion and explanation of how the program worked. I think that it's important to encourage newcomers to come back and to be willing to listen to them. It's a great opportunity to share experience, strength and hope with those who are new to the program.

I'm hoping that others will decide to step up and chair the half-hour Beginners Meeting. So far the interest hasn't been enthusiastic. I am grateful for each newcomer who has the courage to walk through the door. And I hope to be there as much as possible to greet them and make them feel welcome.

Al-anon jokes

I thought that it would be fun to post a bit of humor from the Al-Anon perspective. Yep, we do have a sense of humor, believe it or not!
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Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the Al-Anon walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."

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If an alcoholic says something in the forest and there's no Al-anon there to hear him, is he still wrong?
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How do Alanon's have sex with you?
They just detach and let you screw yourself!
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How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?
Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.
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An Al-Anon amends:
I'm sorry that I was being a bitch last night when you were being such an a*#hole.
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I hope that you are having a good Sunday. I'm heading back home after being out of town. It was a quick trip. And then tomorrow I get to go on the boat which will be great. The weather is going to be comfortable. I doubt if our heat is over with, but I'll take whatever days I can get under 85 F this time of year.

I'll catch up with each of you as soon as I can.

A few days off

I took today as a vacation day from work. I also have Monday as a holiday and decided to take a vacation day on Tuesday to make this a nice long weekend.

It going to be a busy few days. I'm flying out to another state but will be back in the late evening on Sunday. And then on Monday and Tuesday I'm going to go out on the boat for a couple of days. It will be nice to have some serenity time before starting back on the work week.

I got word that Steve E. is coming to town. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to meet up with him or not. But I'm sure that if I don't get to this time, there will be another opportunity since no one can resist coming back to Charleston. It truly is Paradise City.

I'm in a contented place today. It felt good to sleep later than usual. I've got my bags packed. The dogs and cats are content. My wife is doing great and getting ready to go to a noon meeting. I'm grateful for many things that I have in life including health, love, friends, a great program, and freedom.

I'm going to post a few photos of things that I am grateful for.

About those boxes

Little M asked for folks to visit her blog. I went there but can't make any comments because the comment box doesn't show up. Maybe it's just my computer. But I also found that I can't make comments on Aamy's blog either. For some reason the embedded comment boxes are difficult. So Little M and Aamy, I read your blogs but can't seem to leave a comment.

Evidently, the default for new blogs is the embedded comment box. If you want to change, you can go to Dashboard and then Layout to Settings and to Comments. I like the Pop Up box.

Just wanted to call attention to the fact that some browsers have a difficult time with those darn embedded boxes.

The spiritual bank

"Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills all of our needs."

Blessed Mother Teresa's Prayer

My spiritual bank got a little low last evening. I let myself get sucked into an expectation that didn't turn out the way that I wanted. I let someone else start to fill my needs.

When that happens I remind myself of the prayer above. It is my favorite prayer. It reminds me that I don't need to rely upon the unreliable. It reminds me that I lack for nothing today.

Because of the program, I think differently than I used to. I have insights that have brought about healing of myself. I have a clearer self-image. Much of my self-doubt has been replaced with a new confidence.

I've learned to trust my Higher Power who takes me places and shows me things that have opened my mind to so many possibilities. I am grateful for my transformation that is a direct result of God's grace.

Even my failures and shortcomings are things that I can learn from. They keep me humble. I am learning to appreciate the journey. I have never been a quitter, although I've wanted to do so many times.

I have taken plenty of tests in my life. And I've been tested quite a few times. But I don't just want to get by; instead, I want to do the best that I can. I want to continue to learn and grow. I know that as long as I keep working the program and trusting in God's will, that my spiritual bank will help prepare me for the tests of life to come.

What about compassion?

For the most part, I hear a lot of compassion in Al-Anon meetings. I know that the program may get a bad reputation from some. There are a lot of Al-Anon jokes. And I can laugh right along with the rest because they are funny.

Most of us aren't hard nosed, although there are a few that label themselves as "black belts" in the rooms. But for the most part, I don't see the program as teaching how to land a good round house kick on the alcoholic but about how to become centered within ourselves and become spiritually and emotionally whole.

But there are occasions when I hear something that makes my hair stand on end. Not long ago I heard a share from a woman who said that she had found some photos and letters from another lady when she was cleaning out her husband's things after a divorce. She realized from the photos and letters that her husband had an affair with the other woman for quite a few years. So she packed up the material, except for a few photos, and mailed it off to the "other" woman's husband.

She was really proud of herself for doing this. Most of us sat dumbfounded. Wow, I thought, this is going to be one heck of an amends to deal with if that time ever comes.

I prefer to deal with my resentments in a more constructive manner. And to do no harm to those who are really innocent. In fact, I don't wish to do harm to anyone. That is a real miracle of this program.

By the way, I can do a decent round house, but I think that kind of thing is better used at the gym than in Al-Anon.

Surrender

"Do I realize surrender is not weakness, but strength that will reinforce my courage and confidence?" from Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, page 85

I think that there is a lot of confusion over the concept of surrender. I've not been a person who gave up on anything in life. I doggedly would pursue something that needed doing until I accomplished that goal. Then I would move onto the next project. I was simply not a person who gave up.

But alcoholism was not a project that I could fix. I did my best to pretty it up and make it look like something other than what it was. But eventually it wore me down. I spent so much time and energy thinking about ways to beat it and make some sense of it that I didn't enjoy much about life.

The alcoholic took up every thought. She was what I thought about from the moment that I awoke. I would go through the day with work and yet, there trying to push through everything, were thoughts about the alcoholic. I wanted to make sense of it all--the need to drink, the lack of communication, the hope that love would fix things. But in the end, alcoholism remained as baffling to me as it has for so many.

So ultimately, I came to understand that I was losing myself. I was going down with the ship. That's when I think that I truly understood surrender.

I have read that it's important to distinguish between submission and surrender. I think that I did a lot of submitting. I understood that I wasn't getting though, that my attempts to love my wife out of alcoholism were not going to work. But then another day would come and I would have that feeling that "Today might be the day". I still hadn't gotten to the point of accepting that I wasn't going to beat alcoholism. I was still struggling to win.

In my life and especially in my marriage, I had become as crazy as the alcoholic. I reacted with fear and controlling behaviors in my life and marriage. I was so full of fear and rage that I didn’t see what I was doing.

But when I ran out of options, when I finally had to admit that I was done with struggling, that's when I accepted the reality of alcoholism at a subconscious level. And that feeling of surrender didn't occur until I came to Al-Anon and listened to what so many of you told me: That I could have freedom from anger, fear, and conflict; that I could begin to feel joy and even serenity. I finally learned to accept reality.

The new reality that I learned in the program was that I had a job that I could do, and that was to work on myself. It was not my job to decide when my wife was ready to get sober or begin recovery. It was my job to find out who I was and to work on my recovery.

I don't know why surrender and acceptance are so difficult to comprehend. Maybe it's because I thought that to surrender meant to give in and that it meant I was weak. I've since learned through the program that acceptance means that there are people and things that I can't change. I simply don't have that kind of power to change another. And surrender now means that I am giving up my self-will and letting go of my attempts at control.

"Surrender to the moment. Ride it out and through, for all its worth. Throw yourself into it.

Stop resisting.

So much of our anguish is created when we are in resistance. So much relief, release, and change are possible when we accept, simply accept.

Acceptance turns us into the person we are and want to be. Acceptance empowers the events and circumstances to turn around for the better.

Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. It is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego boundaries, our hopes, dreams, desires, wants, or ourselves. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow.

Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work."

from the book The Language of Letting Go