Weird weather

I've posted a lot of heavy stuff over the past few days. So today I'm going to post about a few lighthearted things.

First off, my condolences to those of you who are using ergonomic snow shovels, shivering as you fight the cold--it is supposed to be 83 F here tomorrow. Now let me hastily add that I don't like 83 F in late October. It's...well...not natural.

And every year when the Coastal Carolina Fair comes to town, the weather is supposed to be COLD. I heard the local meteorological TV folks say that year after year. But this year, they messed up. It not only is not cold, it's also humid. Who wants to go to the fair, eat fried lard, see the lady who crawls like a snake, and ride the Projectile Vomit machine when it's hot and humid. Not moi. So we are going to wait until a "cold" front passes through on Sunday morning and then hit the fair that afternoon/evening. It will likely plummet to 68 F on Sunday.

Tomorrow is Halloween. No one comes a mile down a dark dirt road to knock on our door. Never mind that we have lit carved pumpkins and spooky Spanish moss hanging around. The squirrels and deer always enjoy the festive decorations but humans stay away. So last year, we did our first trip to a Haunted House and this year, we are going to continue that tradition by going on a Haunted Hay Ride. Obviously we don't get out enough so this is going to be a big night for us. My wife is going as a Freudian Slip and I'm going as a Hay Seed. Don't ask....

Today is our Halloween party and food fest at work. There is a chili cook off and a lot of good food to eat. We will be goofing off and spending state tax payers hard earned dollars from 12-2 PM. But since 12-1 is a lunch hour, only 1 full hour of the tax dollars will be wasted. I'm sure that reassures everyone. I brought my "Bubba teef" so I don't know whether I'll be able to eat much except gruel like food.

Last night was a God given experience. I think that my sponsee and I both got so much out of the fifth step. We both left feeling peaceful, grateful and light in our minds and hearts.

So that's it for this Friday. Hope that you are appreciating all that is today.

God is busy

Thanks for all of your great comments yesterday. Some of you had asked previous to that post about what were the circumstances that brought me to Al-Anon. It was really a life time of living with alcoholism but the defining moment of surrender occurred as written in yesterday's post.

I had been expecting something from someone who had nothing to give at that time and hadn't for some years. I could remember thinking how much I wanted to turn back the clock, start over, and have a clean slate. I felt as if I had spent years trying to understand the relationship between us. Some days things would be great while at other times they would be beyond horrible. Such is life with alcoholism.

It was time for me to let go of her and to let myself live. I know now that I didn't stop loving her, but I had to change my behavior in the relationship. And through this great program, the grace of God and the steps, I was able to stop trying to make her into someone she wasn't and to release her to be who she is.

By taking my hands off the situation and giving consideration to my own needs, a major change occurred. I was given a chance at a new life and freedom of spirit.

And today I get to give some of what was so freely given to me back. I'm telling my story at a meeting this afternoon and am hearing a fifth step with a sponsee this evening. He wanted to do the fifth step at the beach. So I've got some lanterns, a cooler of sandwiches and soft drinks, a blanket to sit on, the Big Book of AA, and a vista that whispers God is all around. I am honored and filled with wonder to be where I am today. God is truly busy with me today.

What happened

I started my day like I started most days--with a cup of coffee. Tonight we had a party to go to. It was Saturday, but I felt no joy. I hadn't felt much joy in a long time. It would sneak in on occasion, give me a glimpse of something bright and shiny and then be gone as if it never existed.

My mind felt heavy. And as I consequence my body felt heavy. The thought of a birthday party for a friend lightened my spirits a bit. She lived down the road from us about a mile.

I thought briefly about what it was going to be like to go to a social event with my wife. I never knew. Sometimes it would be good, and we would enjoy the occasion. Other times it would be a disaster. She would get drunk, I would get angry and the whole evening and most of the night would evolve into a downward spiral. God, I hoped that tonight would be okay.

We cooked up a dish for the party and got together the birthday present and card. My wife had a drink "just to relax". That's not a good sign I thought. But just maybe that will be it for the evening.

I watch her at the party, not all the time, but in a furtive way. Sneaking a glance every now and then. I'm having a good time actually, taking to friends and enjoying the food. Where is C? I look around the house but can't find her.

I go out to the screened porch and see her sitting on a bench in the corner. She's drinking a tumbler of wine. I ask her how she is and she says that she's okay, just enjoying sitting out here on the porch. Her words are slurring, and she has that far away look in her eyes.

I ask if she's ready to go. She says that she isn't ready. I could feel her isolation and sarcasm as she said for me to "go back inside with your friends and enjoy the party." I also felt anger rise up in me. I'm been here, right here in this situation so many times. Why can't I have a good time? Why can't I go to a social occasion without walking on egg shells?

Later C. came in from the porch. She was really drunk now, swaying a bit. She said "Good night" and went out the front door towards the car. I caught up with her as she was trying to get the door open.

I tell her that I don't think she should drive. She tells me again to "go back inside with your friends and have fun". I say, "Damn it C., I don't think that you should drive". She told me that she was driving, got in, started the car and drove off.

I could feel my anxiety tearing at my guts. My mouth felt as dry as cotton. I went back inside and said all the polite good byes to the hostess. Then I walked home.
______________________________________________________
This was the end of it all for me. Or close to it. There were several more arguments. There were tears and accusations. But within 2 to 3 months after this "watershed" event, I told C. that I was leaving her. I no longer cared what she did or how much she drank. I told her that she could have the house, the property. I would keep my car and my savings. I wanted out.

I talked to a good friend that night who told me that I needed to get to an Al-Anon meeting. And that's how I came to show up at my first meeting.

And when I said that I was going to Al-Anon, C. said that she needed help, didn't want to lose me, and decided to go to an AA meeting the next night.

And that, my friends, is what happened.

Traveling

I was really moved to read Pam's posts about her mother who is ill. I am reminded as I read her post today of my experience during the last weeks of my own mother's life. She died suddenly one Sunday in July 2005. But in retrospect I could see that perhaps she had already begun to prepare for her death in the preceding weeks.

My mother had become frail. She was never a big woman but at 95, she had become like a bird. Her skin was translucent and nearly without wrinkles. She remained interested in reading but as her final days approached, she would gather all of her papers and notes around her as if she was trying to find something important in them. I would ask her what she was doing and she would say, "Oh I'm just reviewing things." I smile at that now.

There is a saying in the South that the dead begin to "travel" as their time nears. I've read about hospice workers who relate "visions" that the dying have. Some of the dying report visions of angels; most relate seeing deceased loved ones in the vision.

Some think that these visions are just reactions of the limbic system in a dying brain. Perhaps. But I think that the visions help soothe the dying person. And that there is more to this than science or medicine can explain.

My mother experienced a number of these "visions". A couple of weeks before her death, she told me one Sunday that she had the best time the night before. I asked her what happened, and she related to me, "I went dancing with your father." This took me aback at the time because my dad had died in 1985. Now I believe that she was reconnecting with my father who was waiting for her. There were several other instances in which she spoke of her mother and father and friends who had already transitioned to the next life.

And on the day of her death, I later learned that she told one of the workers at the home where she lived that she was in my kitchen. Her vision then was very strong and whatever prescient "energy" there is reached me because I had a sense of urgency to be with her. I wrote about that in another post.

I find these things comforting because I do believe that my mother was "traveling" beyond this life to the next. And maybe in doing so she changed and became an energy. I felt that energy in the days after her death and knew that she was still with me. While I now have memories of her, I don't feel that energy anymore and know that she has moved on and has transitioned peacefully to the after life.

Maybe this sounds crazy. But there are things that escape explanation. I believe that dying is as profound as living. And I am grateful for this experience that I had.

Serenity

We decided to stay out on the boat for another day. I have 3 conference calls to do but can do them either on the boat or from cell phone on the beach.

We don't have much great food left. Breakfast this morning was improvised with yogurt, then cheese, and grits with fried hotdogs. So much for impressing you with my foodie abilities.

I can't check your blogs without a lot of hassle so I'll have much ro check up on when I get back. In the meantime I hope that all of you are well.

The skies are gray and there's a northeast wind blowing. Perfect for sailing later and for snuggling to keep warm. This is serenity.

Until I can catch up with you, enjoy Monday.

Boiled peanuts

We just got back from rowing and lying on the beach.

It's another beautiful day here. Hard to believe that it's almost the end of October and it's shirtless beach weather.

For all who wanted to know about boiled peanuts, here's how to fix them.

Boil 1 to 2 lbs of green peanuts in the shell in heavily salted water (about a cup and a half of salt). Cook for about 2 to 3 hours. If you want them spicy, add some Cajun spice.

Test to see if they are done by tasting them! If they are soft then they are done the way most in SC like them. If still crunchy and you like them like that, you're good to go. I don't like mine slimy but slightly firm.

For saltier peanuts, leave in the salt water and strain them to serve.

There you go. Serve these for the next football game and wait for the reaction. You'll either be praised for culinary brilliance or hear a lot of gagging noises.

Random thoughts

I' ve just got a few random thoughts today:
There's nothing quite like Saturday. I wish it wouldn't end.

It's not cold but we're going to have a campfire tonight and boil some peanuts.

I never had boiled peanuts before moving to SC.

Rowing to shore is an adventure. We were once told that we looked like the couple in The Notebook.

We read to each other to pass some time. I find that sensual.

We're reading how Bill and Lois fell in love. I see lots of parallels with us.

There's a history lecture on the battle of Battery Wagner that we will row to today. I wonder at the resolve to fight when wearing wool, being chewed on by mosquitoes and dodging bullets.

A sponsee did some great work on step four yesterday. He is starting to feel good about himself.

That kind of break through is a God thing.

A shooting star last night streaking across the heavens was a God thing too.

Those God moments happen every day. Just look around you.

Wishing you a Saturday of joy.

Giving advice

I sometimes get phone calls from people in the program who are looking for advice. They need help with something that's going on in their lives.

This morning I got a call from a man who suspects his son is an alcoholic. He had heard from the hostess of a party that the son attended in July that he became drunk and belligerent, yelling insults to his girlfriend in the yard. The father wanted to know whether he should confront his son in order to impress upon him that people are talking about him with regard to a) drinking too much and b) his behavior when drinking.

My first thought was that I don't give advice. This program isn't about giving advice with a bunch of "you should" statements. I have become hyper-vigilant about "shoulding" on others and myself.

I know that I just need to share my E, S, and H. But I couldn't help asking a question: "What do you want to accomplish by telling your son that the hostess was worried (=annoyed) about his behavior?" He replied, "I want to let him know that people are talking about his drinking. This is a small town. Maybe he will be ashamed enough to stop."

Ahh...the shame tactic, I thought. I know that one well. I used to do my best to lay a heavy guilt trip on my wife, whose behavior during her heavy drinking days was sometimes socially askew to put it mildly.

So I shared my experience. My wife and I would go to a social event, she would over indulge. During the worst of times, she would black out, lash out, knock things over and so on. It wasn't a pretty scene. The next day I would be cold as ice in my martyr role. When she would say she was sorry, I would recite all the things that she did the night before. And proceed to tell her how embarrassing it was. And predictably, she would say that she wasn't going to do that ever again. I believed her for a long time. And I kept being hopeful that she would stop.

I told the father that my experience of shaming my wife did nothing to cure her alcoholism. It made her feel awful guilt and shame, but that guilt and shame only furthered what she already was feeling and drank to avoid.

In Al-Anon I've learned that I can't do anything to cure or fix others. I can establish boundaries and not accept unacceptable behavior in order to take care of myself. And I've learned that if something doesn't have my name on it, then I don't pick it up.

The father kept asking if I thought shaming the son would help. I kept saying "It never worked for me."

The program forces no one to do anything. It only reveals itself to us through the literature and through the people who are living it. Anyone who is suffering can decide whether they are willing to stop trying to fix, control, manipulate or shame others and instead do what it takes to get better themselves.

What a huge difference that has made in my life.

Sleep in peace

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." Victor Hugo

It's a nice day outside with blue skies and wisps of cirrus clouds. The water has some ripples from an easterly wind. It's one of those days of neutrality of mind and spirit for me. I'm not feeling sad or sorrowful. Nor am I jumping for joy. I feel placid.

Not so many years ago, I was caught up in all the drama of living with alcoholism. I couldn't see any reason to keep going, to stay married, to do much of anything. Yet, I forced myself to do a lot. I still went to work, had hobbies, did work around the house. But it was as if I were sleep walking through life.

Now most days are easy like today. There isn't anything much on my mind. I've learned patience and acceptance. I've learned to have hope and live with faith.

I've had the great sorrows in life and will no doubt have more. But it feels today as if I can accomplish what I need to and at the end of the day, lay down and sleep peacefully.

That is evidence of God's grace so freely given to me. What a lucky guy I am.

Celebrating the beauty of ugly

In Al-Anon, I was told to make positive affirmations about myself. At first, that seemed fairly difficult because I didn't have a lot of positive things to say.

Growing up, I was tall, a bit shy and had a lot of insecurities about looks. Now I realize that how I thought of myself on the inside did affect how I projected myself on the outside. I wasn't particularly outgoing around others because I deeply wanted to fit in, yet my attitude proclaimed that I didn't care.

It's interesting how the criticism of my father was something that I took to heart. I've since learned that people speak through their own lens of character defects. And that not every word is an absolute truth.

And I've come to understand more and more that there is beauty in the strangest things. Beauty can be unconventional. So now I celebrate my own "beauty" both internally and externally. I appreciate the beauty of others, even when that beauty is unconventional…perhaps especially when the beauty is unconventional.

And so this serious discussion about beauty brings me to the celebration of a particularly unconventional critter. Today is Hagfish day. I know that it isn't one of those great events that many people know about.

But the humble hagfish is really an interesting critter. Here are some fascinating facts:

1. The hagfish secretes a small amount of very dense, balled up protein when “grabbed” or startled. Tiny amounts of this protein are secreted through the skin, but can create up to 20 liters of slime nearly instantaneously as it reacts with sea water. It seems that the balled up proteins are REALLY attracted to water molecules, and once those bad boys get together they make a jello party. This slime can completely trap the predator attacking the hagfish and suffocate it by clogging its gills… which sets up the next crazy point.
2. Hagfish have learned to escape their own slime by tying themselves into an ordinary overhand knot, and then slipping through their own knot to free themselves.
3. Hagfish also have learned to use their slime for other purposes. In particular, hagfish are well known in Cape Cod for ruining fish hauls from trawlers. Hagfish will prey on fish captured in nets; however they don't have jaws or sharp teeth to cut into the tough fish scales. Instead, they have learned to swim into the mouth of captured fish, eating its way out through the entire intestinal tract and finally exiting where… well, where things exit the body. So sometimes fishermen will pull up a haul with several fish that are nothing but skin and bones. I knew that would make you wince!

This fish truly is an example of celebrating the beauty of ugly.

Guilt

"Perhaps the most severe damage to those who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that they are somehow at fault; they were not up to it all, not attractive enough, not clever enough to have solved this problem for the one they love. They think it was something they did or did not do. These are their feelings of guilt." from Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism

The meeting topic last night was on guilt. I'm feeling spectacularly guilt free these days. But I haven't always felt that way and every now and then there will be that nagging little feeling of guilt that starts to creep into my head.

I can remember a friend in graduate school who apologized for everything. He said "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day. He said it so much that it became meaningless.

I don't have a desire to hoard up guilt. But like my friend in graduate school, I still have a tendency to take the guilt from someone else to make sure that they don't have any. And sometimes I don't realize what I'm doing. It seems like an automatic response when someone hurts my feelings. I seem to revert back to that little boy who wants to make sure the other person feels okay, so I take their guilt.

But I'm learning in the program to pay attention and notice when I start to pick up something that isn't mine, like guilt. I've heard to "screw guilt". Another good one that I read is "guilt is like herpes: its the gift that keeps on giving."

I don't want guilt to cloud my vision of the facts. I don't want to become enmeshed with my own emotions to the point that I lose the true motive of guilt which is to remind me of wrong and right and the humanity of each of us. I know that in spite of my character defects, I'm one of God's creatures.

In this program, I've learned that I can acknowledge my wrongs (Step Four) and set the wrong right by making an amends (Step Nine). I also know that through the second and third steps that I can surrender to my Higher Power all of my guilt, earned and unearned.

Here are some questions that I can ask myself if I feel the need to have a guilty moment:

Is this guilt I am feeling about a direct action of mine?
Did I do something out of spite, revenge, meanness or cruel intent?
Did I not do something because I simply forgot or was otherwise occupied?

If I answer NO to these questions, then I am probably taking on guilt that I don't own. I might need to look at my sense of over responsibility and seek guidance from my HP for healing and letting that go.

If I answered YES to these questions, then I can seek my HP's guidance in what amends need to be made. Holding onto guilt isn't going to solve anything. Ultimately, I need to remember to "Learn the Lesson, Let go of the guilt".

Weekend photos

I'm posting some photos from the great birthday cruise that occurred on Saturday. A very good friend of mine celebrated his birthday. It was a good time.

The best line of the night occurred when he thought that this was his 48th birthday, only to find out that it was his 47th. (What can I say....he was never good in math and didn't improve because he was drunk from 16 to 28). Anyway, he said, "Well, I thought that I looked pretty good for 48 but not so good for 47."

Aside from the festive atmosphere, there were some amazing photographic moments as well. So I'm putting a few of those here that capture the first truly chilly day of fall in the Lowcountry.

I hope that your weekend was good. Mine was packed with a lot of good feelings.

Tonight's my home group meeting. I'm looking forward to a week of cool weather, work and Al-Anon meetings.

All seems to be well with my place in the world on this day. That's about all I need as it doesn't get much better than this.

Happy Monday to each of you.

The Ten Best Moments of My Life

I read a post from another blogger about sharing the Ten Best Moments of my Life. I thought that was a good idea. So I'm going to post mine here are sort of in order of time but not priority.

1. Graduating from college with high honors--it was a real "whew" moment
   
2. Getting my Ph.D. --it made me have a great sense of accomplishment
   
3. Getting my first job as a scientist--finally getting paid to do something I love
4. Getting my first paper published--without revision. I was published as a scientist!
   
5. Getting married--intending to spend my life with someone I deeply love
6. Getting my first car--an old Mustang that I liked and was my very own
   
7. Building our house--and acting as the general contractor
8. Getting the top prize with one of my hobbies
9. That Ah-Ha moment in recovery when I understood that I could Let Go
10. A first kiss from a special person--another Ah-Ha moment
    

What are the ten best moments in your life?

Requiem

I watched the movie "Requiem for a Dream" last night. It was one of those flicks that made me feel as if I were watching a car wreck--I wanted to not watch but couldn't take my eyes away.

It's a story about addiction and what happens to those who get hooked. In this case, a mother and her son and his two friends are the ones who go down the path to insanity, sickness, and depravity. The outcome is predictable as one watches the horror of addiction take hold.

I have read books about what addiction is like from the standpoint of the addict/alcoholic, but I don't think the words quite have the impact that the visual does. I just thank God that I never went down that path.

I felt disturbed, vulnerable and sad after watching this movie. I think that it's ultimately about loneliness which is a definite trigger for me. One reviewer wrote: "Even when dreams are shared, they can fail to materialise; even when relationships are strong, they can wear out; even when the mind is unflinching, it can give way to doubts. When one is young one is awed by the power of the youth and takes pride in it; when one is old, one dreams of the power of youth and takes refuge in it. Both are so misconceived, so misplaced. The only thing that the young and the old have in common is the power to dream… dream for the future… dreams that can wither out and die, uncherished, unrealised, unlived." Heavy stuff.

So I am grateful today for:

• Not feeling alone but part of so much
• Not having ever acted out my destructive thoughts towards myself
• Getting a lot of good food cooked for a friend's birthday (natal) tomorrow
• A breath of cooler air that has come in on some NE winds
• That it's Friday and the weekend is ahead.
  

You say it's your birthday

This has been the week for birthday parties. I've been to two already and then there is another on Saturday that I'm helping to host. These are the actual "belly button" birthdays that I'm going to. There evidently were a bunch of cold nights in January where a lot of snuggling occurred.

I really like birthday parties. It's a time to celebrate the arrival into the world. It's the one day that can be claimed as your "special" day.

Last night's party was to celebrate my sponsor's birthday. All of us sponsees were present. We laughed, ate good food, did some silly art charades and enjoyed reading the cards (those ones with sound are cool) and seeing the presents. You would never know from all the laughter that we were a bunch of dysfunctional people who were on the road to recovery. Or perhaps that's exactly what you would expect from a bunch of dysfunctional people on the road to recovery--laughter, comraderie, and joie de vivre.

This morning I'm going to a seminar to hear about the voyage of the good ship Ocean Watch as it travels through the Northwest Passage and the Americas to build awareness of threats to the ocean environment. And at the end of work today I'm going to head home to do some cooking for the next birthday that will be on Saturday.

It's been a seriously happy week, albeit a tiring one. Enjoy your Thursday and if today is your birthday...many happy returns.

The lonely bones

Once upon a time there was a lovely child born to a upstanding family in a beautiful town by the sea. The family welcomed the birth of their daughter with much joy. And they watched as the child grew, having much anticipation of a wonderful life that lay ahead for their daughter.

The child grew into a beautiful young woman with auburn hair and blue eyes. She was a precocious, strong-willed person. But she had a fragile center. She identified with animals, talking to them and giving them special names. They seemed to have a special affinity for her. Maybe they detected an inward innocence and kindness that drew each to the other.

She enjoyed life in the old city where her house overlooked the water. There was always plenty to do and yet down inside there was a certain fragility that was hidden by the healthy and energetic persona.

The young woman went away to school. She learned to love languages and the way that the words tripped off her tongue. She became multi-lingual and enjoying traveling to far away places where she could practice her language skills.

She also had a love of poetry and writing. Poetry touched that deep sad place within her. Writing allowed her to express her feelings and thoughts. Some of the thoughts were pleasant and she remembered special trips with her family and friends. But other thoughts were dark and full of self-doubt. There were days when she despaired.

Somehow along the way, she decided that the pressures of school were too much. She sought solace in drugs and alcohol. At first, she liked the way that she felt. Gradually though the old feelings of self-doubt would return. She dropped out of school and returned home to the house overlooking the water, hoping to keep the demons in her head at bay.

It seemed that things would go okay for a while and then the old feelings of uncertainly and inadequacy would return. Home was nice and safe, but the pull of her addiction was stronger. She started to hang out with people who didn't have her best interests at heart. Her cravings fueled an addiction that opened up a desolate landscape in her mind where nothing but self-loathing lived.

She wanted to break away from the predators who fed her habit. She decided during the lazy days of early June to get away from the predators and their drugs that were poisoning her. This was a hard thing to do because their grip was strong. But she was also strong and had a renewed will to live and have joy and peace in her life.

The predators had other ideas though. And as predators do, they turned on their prey and killed her. Her lifeless body was dumped among pine trees and brush.

Her parents became frantic with worry because they hadn't heard from their daughter. They held vigils, called her cell phone over and over, hired investigators, had searches done--all to no avail.

Summer turned to early fall and the golden rod and pretty wildflowers covered the ground. The young woman who was so graceful and strong at one time lay amongst them, now only a skeleton.

Her parents held onto a spark of hope. They wanted their daughter to be home and safe. They thought that they could hear her voice calling to them. They feared the worst and clung to each other.

Her lonely bones were resting not so many miles away with the whispering of the pine trees and the night voices of frogs and crickets as her only company. The falling of gentle rain felt like God's tears. Her spirit hovered in sadness. She too wanted to go home.

Dedicated to those who died in drug related violence and who are still missing.

PS: the lonely bones were found two days ago on the island where I live. The death/homicide is under investigation.

Transformation

I had a meeting with an old colleague this morning. During the course of our conversation, I told him how a proposal that a group of us had worked on was not submitted to the granting agency on Friday. Another scientist who is the principal on the project was supposed to submit it. Unfortunately, he didn't remember until Sunday night which was too late.

My old colleague looked at me in a bit of shock. He said to me, "Something's different about you. You seem so laid back and at ease. You've never suffered fools gladly. Is there anything wrong?" I had to laugh.

The old me would have been filled with resentment and judgment over the proposal not being submitted. The old me would have castigated myself over leaving it in the hands of someone else. Instead, I chose not to let it ruin my Monday. I went to my home group meeting and did a program on Step 10. Amazing how God arranges things so that I hear just what I needed to hear when I need to hear it.

The transformation that I feel daily fills me with gratitude. I'm glad that I don't have to react out of anger or judgment. I can feel myself flying even on days when I think that I can only crawl.

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly. ~Richard Buckminster Fuller

Scenes from the weekend

I thought that I'd start off this Monday with some photos from our voyage along the Intracoastal Waterway to Capers Island.

We had a nice easy trip. It takes about 3 hours to get there and we arrived about an hour after dark on Friday evening.

As we were transiting there were some interesting sites along the way. We passed under the Ben Sawyer Bridge which is an old swing bridge. And just beyond that is a place of intrigue, Goat Island, which is a tiny island located on the ICW behind the resort island Isle of Palms. There is an interesting story about Goat Island (The following is excerpted from an article by Maria Zone).

In the early ’30s, a man and his wife lived there without electricity or water. The man, Henry, was a local who decided to free himself from the stresses of modern society. The couple were repelled by development occurring so they retreated to seclusion on their own deserted island – an island whose only inhabitants were a herd of goats.

Even though the Goat Man and his wife only lived 200 yards from the shore of the Isle of Palms, they shunned the developers and life on the far side of the waterway. They learned to naturally accept what God provided them with, drinking rainwater and eating the native vegetation. The island provided them with shelter from the rain, shade in the summer and firewood to knock off the chilly winds of winter.

They lived au naturelle, collecting discarded debris that drifted onto the shores and into their lives as the tide changed. They were true purveyors of the floatsam and jetsam of society.

The Goat Man and his wife eventually accepted visitations from those curious people who transited the waterway in their yachts. They were gracious to those who offered sandwiches and leftovers from a day of picnicking on nearby Dewees Island.

During the Goat man’s 32 years of self-imposed exile, civilized people in nearby communities knew that the Goat People were out there, across the waterway. But people denied the possibility that their simple lifestyle was a choice and the couple was sane.

The legend continued over the years. Children were told that the island was haunted because of the voices and sounds that were heard across the water. Some children dared to cross the short distance from the Isle of Palms to Goat Island to see for themselves. They discovered that the alien sounds were the soulful singing of a content, solitary man.

In 1961, after 30 years of living in the natural elements, the Goat Man accepted a small hut as a Christmas gift from generous neighbors who were concerned that the couple was too old to live an unsheltered life. But soon after they moved in and took shelter from the same elements of nature that had provided for them in the past, tragedy struck. The Goat Man caught pneumonia and died. His wife, Blanche, was left to carry on the legend and tradition alone.

Blanche lived on without her husband in solitude on Goat Island for almost a year. But tragedy again struck. She died from burns received in a fire caused by the wood burning stove that was also a handout from her civilized neighbors. Their paradise was left deserted to be overrun by looters who destroyed the organization of uncivilized life, in search of hidden wealth and buried treasure.

The only investment that the Goat Man and his wife ever really treasured was their partnership with nature and the life it yielded them. Their paradise didn't include material things, prestige or social acceptance. There was nothing there that looters could steal either before or after they died. Instead, their wealth was their ability to live a quiet life in full harmony with their surroundings.

I think that I would like to live like the Goat Man at times. And for a few days I did. Here are a few more photos from the trip.

Photos from top:

Ben Sawyer Bridge on ICW

Goat Island on Waterway

Maritime Forest on Capers

Large alligator sunning

Bone yard on Capers

Bone yard at sunset

Freedom

This is the third post from a workshop that I found particularly interesting. This one is about how one can obtain freedom.

1. One may hold truth without inwardly possessing it. I need to actually apply the truths of the program to the reality in which I live. I can do that by applying the steps of the program, accepting the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, that I need a Higher Power to help me, and that the problems in my life are an opportunity for spiritual growth.

2. I can only grow by sharing and being of service. If I only have an interest in the program of recovery, I won't get as much as when I participate and do service. So I am willing to help out at meetings; I am willing to speak, or spend time working with newcomers. There are many jobs that I can do to be of service.

3. I have learned that alcoholism is a permanent disease which can be arrested but never cured. This surely is a thing I cannot change. I can change my way of thinking and living with courage and detachment and with the help of the program. Conscious and conscientious practice of all the principles of the program lifts me into a good, healthy way of life in which I have courage to meet what ever comes.

4. Freedom can come through education of the public. Much work is still needed to rid the disgrace, shame, and guilt attached to alcoholism. I can participate in outreach programs of my district.

5. I can live the program. Freedom comes from letting go and letting God. Only by living the program, day in and day out, can I really know it and when I know the program I can pass the message on to others.

6. I must take the help of my Higher Power and have the humility to ask for that help, before my life can begin to straighten out.

7. Live one day at a time. Our twenty four hour program is logical and valuable. If I live each day completely, to the best of my ability, not looking hack in regret, nor forward in despair, then I can attain a richer, fuller life. When I have peace within and freedom from despair, I show others what is possible and share my blessings with all.

8. Thought to meditate on: "Try looking through the eyes of another and see what you discover."

9. Practice the slogans: Easy Does It - don't knock myself off center fearing what probably isn't there. Let Go and Let God - I can't have everything to suit myself, but never fear, my Higher Power will help me cope. One Day at a Time - concentrate on just this moment and not on the fear of what might happen, but hasn't yet. First Things First - I can never gain the serenity I seek if I dissipate my strength in nameless fears. Live and Let Live - Life is too important to live in turmoils of fear and judgment. I can learn to live with confidence. Worth repeating again "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and there was no one there".

10. Principles above personalities. This is difficult when I allow myself to indulge in judging others. I needed to change those old ways of thinking. Desperation brought me to Al-Anon and I found a ray of hope. By practicing the principles of the program, I am coming out of the darkness and breathing free.

11. When I let go, I don't give up anything that belongs to me, but relinquish something I didn't own to begin with. By returning it to the proper hands, I obtain freedom.

12. Certainly not last in finding freedom is the fourth step. Nothing helps as much as a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, but I must go on and complete this inventory with step 5. I've taken the inventory, admitted to God, which is the easy part as I feel He knows me; and admitted it to myself. But now I must go further and admit the exact nature of my wrongs to another human being. This part is beneficial because the person I chose didn't allow me to beat up on myself repeatedly. Instead, he helped me to see the good qualities on which to build.

13. All the steps are vital to my new life of freedom: "When I know I am free within myself I will be better able to give loving thoughts to others."

14. If I remember that only God makes no mistakes, I can accept myself, my fellows, as human beings with much more happiness and contentment all around.

The Bone Yard

I took the day off today to head north along the Intracoastal Waterway to another deserted barrier island along the coast. This island is approximately 3 miles long by 1 mile wide.

There is a beach that has undergone erosion to create what is called the "Boneyard" where skeletal tree trunks are reminders of how ephemeral life on a barrier island can be. There is a thick maritime forest with some trails through the island, but I suspect that the "state bird" (=mosquito) will prevent much hiking this weekend. Maybe when winter comes I'll do the trails.

I've been wanting to go to this spot for some time. I'll put up the jib and see if that will help propel me along as we make the 12 mile run to the island. The weather is supposed to be good so I will spend time photographing this interesting place.

It's nice to venture outside our normal "comfort zone" of the usual anchorage. I have to remind myself that a change of scenery is good and that there are new adventures to be had right in my own backyard.

I may be able to check on some blogs with my IPhone. But it's more likely that I'll let technology take a rest this weekend. Enjoy your Friday.

Thinking of the future

I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to 'shred oranges and scrub the floor.
—D. H. Lawrence

Living in the present is one of the core tenets of Al-Anon. There is even a daily reader whose title is One Day at a Time. Most of the time I can think about just today. I'm not one who dwells on the past thanks to the program. But I do have moments when I start to think about the future.

When I was a lot younger I was living for tomorrow. When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be older so I could do more things! My major advisor told me in graduate school to not rush and push so hard because these are going to be the most exciting days of my academic career. Joni Mitchell's great song "The Circle Game" comes to mind.

As I got older, not living in the present meant that I would lie awake and think about all the things that I had to get done at work the next day. Or I would start planning a happy event and my thinking would move toward the desired or "expected" outcome. I've found that there is very little that I can do about anything in the middle of the night, except sleep and pray.

But what about those moments when I start to see the present moment fly past? This is how my thinking will go: "I'm getting older and there is much to do. The days are going past much faster than they used to. I don't have much time left since my life is about half over." And on and on it goes.

And at that point in my thinking about how tempus is fugit, I start to build expectations. I start to think that I only have this one life and yet there is so much still that I would like to do. So that leads me to try to orchestrate my future and generally someone else's as well. And the outcome is that I start to miss out on what is happening now. I start missing the journey because I'm wasting so much energy planning the future.

I have read that people who sacrifice the present for the future feel little accomplishment when they get to that goal that they reached. That's because they will start looking towards the next goal and sacrificing the now for yet another future.

I'm still working on learning to live in the present and just be in the moment. I'm learning to enjoy the journey and not look for the destination. I wonder, too, if learning to live in the present is not a process of aging. When the future is short compared with the past, the moment seems to shine with more urgency.

This doesn't mean that I have to give up all future plans. Living in the moment doesn't mean to shuck all responsibility or become cavalier about everything. I have bills to pay, doctor visits to make, deadlines for work proposals and reports. I just don't choose to obsess over my future. I like to strive for a balanced awareness of my past, present and future with the present being my fulcrum on life's see saw.

I like the way my life is now. I have more freedom to do what I want, when I want to and with whom. So now I would definitely say I'm living for happiness and satisfaction today. I know that I'm not going to be happy every day, but satisfaction with life covers a lot of ground.

If you think you have a problem

This isn't meant to be a public service announcement although it may come across like that. I occasionally get emails from people who ask questions about recovery or ask me for my thoughts about a particular thing going on in their lives. I respond with what my experience has been. I can't give advice because I don't have answers for anyone else. Some days I don't have any for me either.

Yesterday I got a comment from a person who is concerned that she is an alcoholic. A lot of you who read this blog offered up hope. I really appreciate that. I am not qualified to share my experience to an alcoholic, other than to say that there is a wealth of information online. Most of the blog links listed on my sidebar will put a person in contact with those who have many years in recovery from alcoholism. Please read their blog and contact them because they understand as few others can what alcoholism is.

There are thousands of people who have been helped through Alcoholics Anonymous. Here is a link to a pamphlet called the AA Program of Recovery. There is much more information on the AA web site.

I know for myself that one of the best things that I ever did was to admit that I needed help because I had lived around alcoholics for all of my life. They didn't make me sick. I did that to myself by trying to control their drinking. So if you have a spouse, friend or relative who is alcoholic and you are troubled by their drinking, there is help for you through Al-Anon. Here is a link to determine whether Al-Anon is for you.

So if you think that you have a problem, either from drinking or from living around it, there is a solution. I hope that you will talk to someone in a recovery program. Going to an AA or Al-Anon meeting is an important step.

My medallion

I carry my Al-Anon medallion in my wallet. It reminds me every time that I open my wallet to take life "One Day at a Time".

It's just a regular bronze medallion. But to me, it is so special. It means that I can choose to incorporate the principles and steps of our awesome program into my everyday affairs. It helps me remember the willingness, open-mindedness, and honesty of living each day. It is a physical representation that my Higher Power is always with me.

I have had a few people remark about the medallion because it shows when I open my wallet. One fellow told me that he had one of those too. I just smiled.

I'm lucky that my home group decided to give out chips for each year in recovery. Not all Al-Anon groups do that. I wish that more Al-Anon groups would do the chip celebration. I think that it's special to be recognized for the milestones in recovery when that time comes. It is a great feeling to celebrate someone's birthday and have the medallion given by their sponsor to them. I've seen the medallion once held by a sponsor given to the sponsee--a passing of the spirit of recovery if you will.

My wife carries her chip in her wallet too. I remember when she showed each of her chips to me. I was touched by that. She told me that the chip is not a promise never to drink again, but just as mine says to take it "one day at a time".

In AA it is easy to know if you have made it one month, a year, or whatever in your program, simply by counting how long it has been since your last drink. There are some Al-Anon members who would say that not a day goes by when they don’t “slip” in some way from their emotional sobriety. The general consensus, however, seems to be that members decide for themselves if they want to get a chip based on the amount of time that they have been steadily working the program.

If you are in one of those fellowships where chips are rare, become a part of the Group Conscience meeting and propose a change. The beauty of a 12 Step program is that there is no one person in charge and everyone has a say and a vote. If you believe in the importance of celebrating recovery at your meetings, be the change you want to see!

"...I carry my medallion
To remind no one but me
That the Promises will unfold
If I let God work with me."
Anonymous

Harvest moon

This weekend was the harvest moon. It was so incredible to see as it rose large and glowing. It shone brightly on the water, illuminating the ripples that flowed past the boat.

The sun had just gone down and there was the full moon rising following on its heels. The harvest moon got its name because it was said to help farmers working to bring in their crops. They could continue to work on harvesting their crops by moonlight even after the sun had set.

It's evidently an illusion that the moon appears larger around the autumnal equinox. I don't want to think about the illusions. I don't want to be a grown man who understands astronomy. Instead, I want to believe that I could reach out and catch a moon beam.

I thought of driving back from Tennessee years ago with my old Labrador. He had been to a hunt that day and been the pick up dog. He had enjoyed the water, retrieved many a bird, and was snoring gently as I watched the harvest moon loom up from behind a mountain on its celestial ladder. It was such a moment of peace tinged with a dash of longing. The old dog is long gone. But I knew that he too felt the pull of the harvest moon even as he slept.

I think each of us at times has a similar inexpressible and poignant moment that comes not from logic or reason, but from a place inside where wonder and mystery dwell.

"I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon"- Neil Young

This has been a nice weekend. We left on Friday night for a sail. We talked a lot that night about so many things.

We got up early to watch the moon set and the sun rise. These are the moments that I would like to be frozen in time.

Today we walked on the beach almost alone except for one other boat. The temperature is so nice.

I don't know where my sadness went but it left just as it seems to do every time. I am grateful for that. I wish that it didn't seem so overwhelming when I'm in the midst of it.

So now I'm going to savor the rest of the day.

Fears

This is the second part of a workshop. This one is on fears which happens to be a big one for me, especially when it comes to relationships. Here are some suggestions for dealing with fear:

1. I find that I've dealt with my fear of abandonment and rejection by talking to my sponsor; going to meetings and working with newcomers; and by remembering that this is a spiritual program. I can get through a lot with God's help and by praying to follow His will.

2. When full of fears and doubts, I find that the Serenity Prayer and slogans are a big help. The Serenity Prayer can be my mantra and eases my obsessing thinking. "Easy Does It" is a great slogan that tells me to slow down, to not expect too much, to take time to reflect on the ideas, aims, and goals of the program. I also like "How Important Is It?" which tells me to stop obsessing over the little things.

3. I have reaped what I have sown in so many ways. I started out life with hope, faith, and confidence. Gradually, the insidious doubt, fear, and despair crept in. I now have the right stuff from the Twelve Steps to ask for help from my Higher Power and from others. I know how to dispel fear and stay spiritually and emotionally fit.

4. My ability to fight fear may be one day at a time or sometimes, hour by hour. I have learned to sort out my worst fears and face them squarely. By facing them, I discover that I have already lived through most of them. Worry only seems to enlarge them.

5. All fears can be vanquished by vigilant effort. Life without fear is a heavenly blessing and the whole world is a different place when I have peace of mind. I can have freedom from fear if I choose to follow the program as it gradually unfolds, practice the steps more honestly and make a decision to trust in my Higher Power. Because I am only human, I will falter and the fear will return, but courage to try again and faith in my Higher Power will conquer these fears.

6. Learn to relax. Learn to listen. and Learn to laugh. Put these into daily practice and many of my fears will flee.

7. My fears are mostly unfounded and magnified. I have the courage to face it, sort it out and acknowledge it and if it is the worst, I am at the bottom the only way to go is up.

8. Faith helps me to face up to my distrust, my defects and my reality. If I close myself off from faith, then the fears take hold. "Fear knocked at the door. There was no one there."

9. If I tell my fears by sharing my story, I am exposing them. I have learned to laugh at many things that once made me cry. If I share my experience, strength and hope and am generous with my past, I am helping others. I won't let pride, fear or shyness hold me back. If I give away what I have then I will be better for it.

10. The worst thing about fear is that each time I allow myself to become prey to it, it makes it easier to succumb a second or third time until fear becomes entrenched. The solution is to face it, analyze it, and pursue it until I determine the worst that could happen. I find that working with my sponsor is helpful. I have confidence in him and know that he he has faced many fears as well. Once I face the fear and pursue it to the end, I can go onward. Each time I do this, courage will replace the nameless fears.

11. When my calmness and serenity is broken by getting emotionally upset, I need to talk to someone in the program and talk it out. If I can stay calm and reach out, I will recover quicker. A quiet time alone with my Higher Power will often bring back my serenity. It will bring me the calm needed to make rational decisions.

It is up to me to think through my problems and find a solution that I can accept. It does me no good to panic or to obsess on something over and over. I have found that protesting a solution isn't productive. I need to hunt for the solution because there is one if I look hard enough. Sometimes, the solution is that I have to accept something I can't change. That isn't easy. It takes time and practice and courage.

Abundance

I have been feeling a bit down over the past few days. I started to get the focus off myself and onto the alcoholic. Plus, I wasn't feeling so great physically because of having a cold. These things in concert are a recipe for me to slip into old behaviors.

I had planned a special weekend getaway in the mountains of North Carolina for the two of us. It is peak leaf time in mid October. I made a lot of calls only to find that everything was booked up. But I happened to call a place that I really liked and the owner told me that I was in luck. There had been a cancellation five minutes earlier. So I was so happy to be able to reserve a farmhouse by a stream.

I was bursting with enthusiasm when I told the plans to my SO. She was quiet and didn't say anything except...."Well, I'm not so sure that I want to go to the mountains." I explained about the cabin and how lucky it was to get a reservation. She then said, "Well, maybe the idea will grow on me."

I didn't try to convince her but said, "Okay, let me know what you would like to do." I mentally gave her until yesterday to let the idea "grow" on her. When she didn't say anything, other than she was looking forward to an oyster roast in February, I called yesterday and canceled the reservations.

I had let my enthusiasm for something that I thought would be romantic and fun build into an expectation. It felt good to let the expectation go. Perhaps there will be something else that she will want to do. Perhaps not.

Regardless of what another wants to do, I have choices about what I want to do. Most importantly, I can choose to not be miserable.

I realize that there is an abundance of great things in my life. I have an abundance of friends, an abundance of spirit, abundant love, abundant enthusiasm. And I'm surrounded by an abundance of beauty that is manifesting in the bluest of skies and the golden light shining on the water.

I realize that my spiritual abundance needed a boost. I found that in the noon meeting yesterday and through prayers of gratitude last night. Just as Walt Whitman wrote, "I celebrate myself, and sing myself". I feel abundantly okay today.

I think that you know me

You know who I am. You're just pretending that I don't exist. I've been around you for all of your life.

I watched you cry when you were young. I saw the discomfort on your face. I once beat you for waking me up from a nap. I criticized you. I saw how you slipped away to a quiet spot, any place away from me.

I remember that you used to laugh and want to be around me. Then as awareness took hold, you became wary of me. You knew but were too young to fully understand what was happening and what I was doing.

As you grew up, moved away and began a life of your own, you saw the effects of my cunning in lots of situations. You saw people vomit, you watched them stumble, you heard them try to talk, to make sense when they were senseless. Yet, you held true to yourself. You didn't let me in fully or embrace me.

Then, you made a decision one day to live your life with one of my disciples. At first, you were in love, living a fantasy. Then the ugly truth took hold but still you didn't believe in my power. You simply thought that your own power was greater than mine.

I knew that I would beat you down. But it took a lot of years. You were strong and willful. You still believed that love would make a difference. What you didn't realize was that love isn't important to me. I'm too wrapped up in myself, I'm too angry, too filled with anxiety, too messed up to appreciate your love.

I liked to make promises to you because you so easily believed them. I made you sick at heart, sick in your soul. It took me years to do it but I succeeded in beating you down. I saw that I had claimed another victim.

And just when I thought that I had you totally in my clutches, you cried out that you needed help. You walked away from me and did what you could to fill your heart and soul with joy, gratitude, hope, and faith.

I still try to get to you. At times I succeed but now you have developed defenses against me. You have found a Power that is greater than you and than me. But just remember--I am waiting for you. I am still around. I look for a chink in your armor, a weakness in your soul. And I will claim you again if you aren't vigilant.

I think that you know me. My name is alcoholism.