Hopeless cases

I listened to a sponsee talk today about his frustration over the alcoholic in his life. After a stint in rehab, the loved one has started drinking again. He spent a few minutes reflecting on how angry he used to be but how now he is resigned that a fate of death will occur soon.

The sponsee talked about beginning to spiritually detach and move on. Yet, he still wonders whether there is any hope for this person who he doesn't want to see die. He asked me what he should do.

I know that there are "hopeless" cases. But I also know that the hopeless cases may decide that they need help. These are questions that I don't have answers to. I could give him the answer that I so often hear which is to detach with love, keep the focus on yourself, and move on with living your own life. Those are good answers but seemed somehow hollow today when faced with the horrors of an alcoholic death.

So I told him what I knew: That no amount of judging, condemning, and arguing would get an alcoholic to stop drinking. It didn't work for those years that I tried with my wife. In fact, my efforts to control her drinking only set up resentments, frustration, and more denial. As a non-alcoholic, my attempts to help an alcoholic actually did more harm than good.

But an alcoholic, who has a desire to stop drinking, will usually listen to another alcoholic. There is no judgment, no resentment, no fear but just plain straightforward information about what the disease will do. So I suggested that he contact the local AA intergroup and ask for a couple of AA members to make a 12th step call. It would be a couple of alcoholics talking to another who may be in dire enough straits to want to quit.

I knew from attending open AA meetings, listening to speakers, reading blogs, and being in Al-Anon that there are many called "hopeless" who have found recovery. I like what Fr. Wigmore wrote:

"The human ego has an almost infinite capacity to bypass reality. But life has its own ways of grinding us down and bringing us to the gates of a different reality. In the Big Book it is called the Great Reality – the 4th dimension of our own existence. It exists inside each of us and awaits our call. It provides hope for the hopeless. It always has and it always will. Rarely have we seen a person fail to find it who has experienced his own hopelessness and made the call."

I said that there is always hope.

Sun day

It's another glorious day on the boat. We woke up late and are having a good breakfast. We didn't eat the octopus so will make do with yogurt and an omelet.

We read about Bill and Lois this morning. This is a book that clearly describes the hell of alcoholism and how cunning, baffling and powerful it is. I suppose that most of us know that though.

After breakfast we'll walk on the beach and then sail up one of the nearby rivers to explore. It seems like a good day for new adventures. I hope that this day provides new opportunities for you.

Octopus and dolphins

It's a magnificent day here. Blue sky, light breeze, and warm temperatures are making it glorious. We came out on the boat yesterday and have been for a beach walk this morning. I spotted an octopus crawling up on shore. It was clutching a clam with one of it's tentacles. The porpoises were herding fish on low tide so perhaps the octopus' primal instinct urged it to come on shore rather than be eaten. I picked it up and placed it just at the edge of the water. It gradually began to siphon water and crawl among the clumps of algae at the edge. The dolphins prowled just beyond.

Earlier a sponsee called to say that he needed help. His wife is drinking and using opiates. He feels trapped, alone with his own killer. He told me "I had less than 24 hours with any semblance of sanity," I thought about how hard the disease is on families and how God presented us with choices. He didn't make those choices easy at times.

Sometimes it's a matter of whether I stay in safe waters or venture out of my comfort zone. By His grace today I can walk the beach on a beautiful day and muse about an isolated octopus, some dolphins, and choices.

The day after

Yesterday was a day of thanks and a day of reflection. There was plenty to eat, of course. My wife's parents came over, and for the first time, I could see that they are truly old. Both are nearly 90 and are starting to have health problems that make them slow down.

I know that this worries my wife. And it makes me more than a little sad. They have been good to me, even though we have had our differences. Her father is much different in political philosophy than either of us. That is okay with me except for the fact that he is intolerant of the views of others. I do know that each of us would do anything to help the other which is what really matters. So I listen to what he has to say and keep my mouth shut. I have learned in this program that each person has a right to an opinion even though I l may not agree.

In fact, what really matters in this life is that we do care about others in spite of differences.
It is how we give a hand to the other person, how we listen with our heart to really hear what someone is saying. I felt that so strongly yesterday. And today I remain grateful for my capacity to love others and to wish them the best. There is much good in each of us.

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to share a glimpse of the wonder of this place that I call home. I am filled with gratitude for the cornucopia of life today. There is so much to be thankful for that my heart overflows. And I am most appreciative for your kind thoughts on yesterday's post. I wish that she were here to enjoy turkey which was a favorite meal at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Blessings to you on this Thanksgiving day.

The last walk

This morning I'm taking my old "heart" dog for her final walk. She is now in the final stages of renal failure and there is nothing more that can be done for her. Her weight has dropped by 20 lbs. and she is no longer eating or drinking.

Although I am deeply saddened by this, I have so much gratitude for the time that we shared. We have had an amazing 14 years together. She opened doors for me in so many ways. I met new friends through her, enjoyed time together, and have seen her legacy be passed on. But it is time for her spirit to fly now. She has told me in ways that only a dog can.

I have a feeling that one day our spirits will be reunited. God speed, old girl.

Asking for what I need

When I was going to a therapist to try to understand why I felt so rotten and unhappy, I was told to be assertive and ask for what I need. I've read that one of the things that fosters co-dependence is not having needs met as a child. I certainly had the material things but emotionally I know that there was something missing. I think that my father was emotionally distant and perhaps gave me a message that I needed to "suck it up". Somehow along the way I learned that expressing and asking for what I needed wasn't a good idea.

In my close relationships, I have historically depended on the other person to give me things that I need such as attention and love. I have had expectations that these things will be there--and in some ways I have taken these for granted. But these expectations have bred unbelievable frustration when I don't get what I want. I have blamed the other person for not "delivering". When I was in therapy, the concept of asking for what I needed seemed so foreign. What I thought was, "I don't need to ask. You should know what I need." What I have since learned is that I need to speak up and ask in order to improve my relationship with others.

It has taken quite a bit of work to quit expecting others to read my mind and to openly talk about my needs. This involves the assumption that I can ask but not get my way. There are compromises that occur. And in doing so, I learn that what I want doesn't align necessarily with what others want. This has helped to deepen my compassion and to see the opinions of others are as important to them as mine are to me.

The dynamics are different between men and women. My wife has told me that as a young girl she was told to obey her father and to respect authority figures. That's not much different from how I was raised. But I also learned to stuff my feelings and to deny them. The pain that I felt had to be hidden. It wasn't until much later that I learned to put feelings into words. And by doing that I became fully engaged with others. To this day though, I still feel a bit clumsy when sharing the deep personal stuff in a group. I can do it with my sponsor but for some reason it seems too raw to be put out there for the entire fellowship to see. I guess a part of me still wants to keep the pain hidden.

It's also easy for me to replay the old tapes that others should be able to know my needs. And sometimes my asserting what I need may seem selfish when it's really about understanding how I fit in with the rights and responsibilities of those around me. I now seek a balanced approach in which I embrace what I need and can express my hope and dreams.

Thanksgiving memories

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is almost here. I have written before that it is my favorite holiday. This year the holiday coincides with our wedding anniversary.

I've written about our small but happy wedding celebration in an earlier post. We never had a real honeymoon. We had a weekend away from graduate studies and then went back to work. We were dedicated, in love, and poor back then.

At that time we lived in a little concrete block house that we rented. We could not get the furnace to work properly so we froze during those cold Virginia winters. We used to warm the house with the oven. When not at the laboratory, we spent a lot of time under the covers.

For our first anniversary I gave C. a dark blue tablecloth. She gave me a nice flannel shirt. We cooked a special dinner together along with a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris. C. drank the entire pitcher.

After having the nice dinner, she went into the bathroom and threw it up. After that I helped her to bed. That's when the fun really started. As I came around to my side of the bed, I saw a face pressed against the window glass. I yelled out and ran out the front door into the snow in my underwear.

I chased the fellow but without shoes my feet were nearly frozen. So I came back in and called the sheriff. The peeping Tom turned out to be a neighbor's teenage son who had been caught before peeping in windows.

My yelling at seeing the peeper scared C. In her cups, she thought I was yelling at her! It was not the way I thought our first anniversary would be. Those expectations got me even back then.

We finished graduate school, moved out of the little house, packed up and moved to another state. It seems like a lifetime ago now. We have had good and bad times and have had life get in the way of so many things.

But I remain filled with love for her. I feel a lot of comfort now. It may not be the giddy excitement of being newly wed, but it is a good feeling. And I don't think that there will be any daiquiris or peepers (except maybe the squirrels) this year. But every year we set the table with the old blue tablecloth and often fix the same meal that we had all those years ago. It just seems like a memory worth smiling about.

Intuition

I awoke to rain hitting on the roof of the boat. There is a raw northeast wind blowing. I have read a few blogs today and got a lot out of what Pam wrote.

I asked a sponsee to go to a couple of meetings a week since he hasn't been to one in over two weeks. His reply was that he didn't want to become dependent on Al-anon. His intuition told him that he needed to take care of himself and rest and not drive 20 minutes to get to a meeting. I asked if his intuition had ever been off. He said that it was always right.

There are many ways to vary how this program works. I have done that myself but without progress toward recovery. I realize that I can't tell another how to work the program. I can say what works for me. Next week I start work with two more new sponsees. That is something that I enjoy. I so like when light dawns in their eyes.

I wish that all could see that life is filled with twists and turns but there can be so much joy. My path is much smoother because of this program. I am most grateful for having a great sponsor who is willing to remind me of what the program teaches. He is willing to let me work through what I must. Eventually I get back on track. I am thankful for being willing to do that. That is God's grace in my life.

I am hoping that you are having a good Sunday.

Laws

THis must have been written by a pessimist, but it is so true...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Friday on the boat

It is a beautiful day here. Blue sky, sunshine sparkling on the water. I took today off from work to be out on the boat. Tomorrow may bring rain but today I'm going to enjoy the beach and the sun,

We had a good breakfast of sausage with gravy and biscuits. I never eat like this at home. Then we walked for over a mile to gather firewood for a campfire tonight.

Today finds me glad to be able to not hang on to self pity. I have begun to feel stronger and willing to let God take care of something that bugged me for a few days. My sponsor has told me that I need to take care of my head, heart, and soul. I think those things are best renewed out here.

I will get to evertone's blog as soon as I'm back home. Until then, have a good Friday.

13th stepping

I was talking to a sponsee today about how much resentment he has that his girlfriend who is in AA is being hit on by old timers in the program. We talked a bit about "Thirteenth-stepping" which is a euphemistic term used to refer to those people who target new, more vulnerable members (typically women) for dates or sex.

The sponsee thinks that there is a lot of sexual predation in AA. I read that a research study described the frequency of various 13th-stepping experiences in a sample of women involved in AA. Fifty-five women, aged 17-72 years, completed an anonymous survey to describe their experiences with 13th-stepping by men in AA. Results showed that at least 50% of the participants had at least occasionally experienced seven of the thirteen 13th-stepping behaviors listed in the survey. Also, compared to women who had never attended a female-only AA group, women who had attended such groups reported more 13th-stepping experiences from their attendance at coed groups. Two of the study participants volunteered that men they met in AA had raped them.

The character defects that show themselves aren't really surprising to me. I have been to enough bars to see that drinking and trying to hook up are coexisting behaviors. And when the booze is put down, the bar room behavior may continue. Character defects, some more glaring than others, abound in each of us. How vulnerable people are though when they first come into a recovery program and that people take advantage of that is something I find pretty sick.

I don't think that this behavior is unique to AA by any means. I remember reading an article in which men looking for easy sex were told to go troll Al-Anon meetings. The idea was that the women there were needy and would give them the hottest sex of their lives if shown the slightest affection. Vulnerability hurts enough on its own. Hopefully, there is some kind of "gatekeeper" who sees this action happening (such as a sponsor) and gently guides the person to safer waters away from the sharks.

I suggested to the sponsee that just because people belong to 12 step programs doesn't mean that they are cured of alcoholism and all that it entails. (I think of Bill W. as an example of one who traded one addiction for another). It just means that the masks being worn may be changed frequently.

Some thoughts late in the day

It's really late for me to be posting. But there were a few things that I needed to go over in my day as it comes to a close.

This nightly inventory is something that I have done now for quite a while. I go back over my day, what I have done, who I was with and what happened.

So here is what happened today. This morning I had discussions with a few of those people who will be assuming my projects and duties when I retire. This has been a lot tougher to deal with than I thought. For some reason it feels as if the "lots have been cast" on my career. I know that this was inevitable. Still there is a sense of sadness that after so many years of working here, I am now in a transition mode with my staff as the clock winds down towards my retirement.

I decided to clear my head and went down to the boat at noon. Even though the boat was at the dock, just having her back in the water after haul out last week feels good. Her bottom has been painted and her electrical system was checked over. I just needed to be down there and gently rocked for a couple of hours. I felt the presence of God as he enveloped me in peace.

I sat on the floor when I came home and tried to get my old dog to eat something. She had a choice of stewed chicken, some beef, salmon or cat food. She picked the cat food and ate two cans. I feel that I can sleep peacefully knowing that she has a will to live for at least another day. I know that her time is near. I'm just not ready to let her go.

I have come to terms today with compromises that I have made recently. I am willing to let go of someone who has breached my trust but yet I still hold that person close in my mind and heart. I pray for wisdom to deal with my defect that allows me to give another chance to someone who most likely isn't deserving. I am striving to grow in understanding. And to not let myself become lost in the tragic decisions of another.

I think that today was a good example of what this program has done for me: I can get through difficulties without anger and resentment; I can feel compassion and love where trust has been broken, and I can feel pain and loss but still have hope.

Sick as your secrets

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Acorns and warm puppies

I am nursing a cold today and stayed home. I was supposed to go to a work meeting in NC but decided that others from the institute can deal with going to the meeting. This cold has more or less whipped my butt today.

The acorns have been falling from the trees and they make a loud banging sound as they bounce on the roof over the porch and on the deck outside the bedroom window. I like the sound that they make. It means that the squirrels and deer will have a lot of food for winter. Today the temperature is near 74, so I'm not sure that when winter will arrive as we are still in Indian summer.

My old heart dog isn't eating well so later this afternoon we will take her to the vet to be checked over. I think that she has another bladder infection. Her kidneys haven't been very healthy for the last year. I get very sad at the thought of losing this old girl who has been such a part of our lives for 14 years. I'm hoping that some IV fluids and antibiotics will help to get her appetite to increase.

On Sunday, I went over to a friend's house to see my old girl's great grand puppies. They were really cute. They ran around and were happy babies. It does me good to know that these little bundles of fur are part of a legacy of good dogs. There is nothing much better than holding a warm puppy. The acorns haven't fallen too far from the old oak tree it appears.

I am making the best of today. I hope that you are also.

Spiritual Power

I listened to a speaker at a meeting yesterday who touched my heart. I am convinced that God was speaking through him. I've heard speakers before who have spoken convincingly but somehow what they said seemed to be ego driven. Instead what I heard from this fellow was purely spiritual and so inspiring.

I know that I have a power to accomplish things in life but having spiritual power isn't about accomplishing something or using force of will. Instead it's about surrendering my will. I have to work on my spiritual power because there are times when I still think that I can work at living by my sheer energy and force of ego.

I have read that spiritual power means that I have come to the realization that the visible world is part of a much greater spiritual world. Having spiritual power means that I see God in each person and thing, that I feel compassion and caring for others, and I do my best to live by God's will and not mine.

I think the practice of the Twelve Steps enabled me to see that all I had to do was to let the God of my understanding into my life. And by doing that my Higher Power showed me that I didn't have to stay miserable. I could begin to truly set my mind and spirit free.

I don't remember the moment when this occurred. It wasn't a specific epiphany but it was a gradual process in which my thinking began to change. I began to let go of judgment, selfishness, guilt, and even my fears have lessened since being in Al-Anon. I have heard that EGO means edging God out. That was what I used to do. I still want to tell God my will for him and what to do to carry it out, but that means of thinking fails me miserably.

And what I heard from the fellow speaking yesterday was that he had the spiritual power. It made an extraordinary difference in his life. He spoke of learning about love and giving love to others. And because of the spiritual power that seemed to be in his life, he had freedom from fear, love and tolerance of others, and could respond to life without self-pity. He spoke of service to others in which he received much more than he ever gave.

I have seen this over time with my sponsees. I see them struggle and I put out a hand to steady them. But it is God who has His hand on me.

I haven't had any time to post today. This morning was a department meeting where we discussed another budget shortfall. I'm grateful that all my projects are fiscally sound and my staff are will be maintained.

This afternoon I drove to the upstate to attend a rehearsal dinner for a couple getting married tomorrow. I tried to remember all the excitement and nervousness that I felt the day before our wedding. We didn't have a fancy wedding. I guess it cost all of $300. We were married at my parents house so my 90 year old grandmother could attend. And the biscuit timer went off during the ceremony. A neighbor baked the wedding cake. My father gave us money for a down payment on a house as a present.

I don't think either one of us regretted not having a big wedding. And we have outlasted many who spent thousands on one. I wish this couple a long and happy life together. And hopefully they will have patience and understanding to carry them through the rough spots.

Listen and learn

It's another wild and windy day here. The Harbor had been whipped into a frenzy by strong north east gusts. It's another day to stay inside, sit by a fire, read a book and nap. But that's just in my fantasy today because I'm at work.

I'm glad that I got moving and went to the noon meeting. The topic today was "listen and learn". There were a lot of good shares. It seems that I hear what I need at just the time that I need it.

I know that I'm a good listener. In fact, I prefer to listen rather than talk. I listened over and over to what the alcoholics in my life told me--"I love you and won't do this again." "I am so sorry to have hurt you." "You do know that I love you." I listened to all these words and believed them. I believed them because that seemed to be so much easier than the alternative of reality.

Today I still listen, but I have a filter for the words. I believe that actions speak louder than words and that deeds provide the truth. I have learned a lot since being in Al-Anon. The words spoken in meetings are something that I can think about, try out, and see how they fit.

Every word that comes out of a person's mouth may have the intent of truth. I still want to believe what people tell me. But now I hear what's spoken and then see what my gut reaction is. I listen to the voice within. And when I'm out in Nature, I listen to the voices that God has provided. They speak through the wind blowing, waves crashing, leaves rustling, bird songs, and other sounds of God's creations. I hear more truth in them than I do in many human utterances.

Word association

Lou started this word association thing and Sarah continued it. So I asked Sarah to give me five words to write about. If you're interested in doing this word association, let me know and I'll send you five words. The object is to write down the first things that come to mind. I did mine as a kind of stream of consciousness writing. So here goes:

Home--strong, serene, protective, remembrance, love, warmth, comforting
Blue--my BMW, skies, moods, bright, sunny, water
Holiday--busy, too much, not enough, rush, money, tired, stress, music
Book--knowledge, fascinating, losing myself, calm, quiet, thinking, comforting
Internet--woven web, anything goes, too much, addicting, outlaw
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I had the day off today because is is Veteran's Day. It has been a rainy, windy day and a good one to sleep late, read a book, take a nap, and do anything but go outside. The rain came down in torrents with this nor'easter. And I did spend quite a bit of it outside, walking the dogs, moving the boat in the yard, and later going out to dinner. The day seemed to fly past. My wife drove safely back through much of the storm as it was heading to NC. She was glad to be home, had a good dinner and is now sleeping.

I did think several times today about those Veterans who have served their country. I hope that wherever they are, whether living or dead, they know that there are people who have said a prayer for them.

Home alone

My wife is out of town for a few days. She went up to NC to visit friends. I'm here at home today, having taken a day off to paint the bottom of the boat. I haven't made much progress because the day has been soggy, and I woke up to rain pouring down. That translates to good sleeping weather.

I decided to sleep in until after 7 AM and then walked the dogs in the slackening rain. I fixed a good breakfast with homemade pancakes and then sat down to read the paper with a cup of coffee. Next, I began to catch up on some blogs that have been neglected for a day or so.

So I haven't gotten any painting on the boat done, but I'm having a relaxing day. I can see the sun coming out and as soon as the boat dull dries, then I'll crawl under it to start painting. No hurries though because I feel as if I have all the time in the world.

Whenever my wife is away and I'm here alone, it feels good to me. It isn't that I don't miss her, but I'm relishing the time that I have to myself. I don't seem to feel a lot of the pressures when I'm home alone. I basically can have this be my time at the house. There is no long list of things in my head that need to get done, no conversation to make except to the dogs who could care less, no meal preparation other than throwing a pizza into the over or a steak on the grill. I'm just comfortable with a few days of me time.

Tonight I'm going to fix the minimum for dinner, maybe watch a movie later, and have a couple of dogs lying at my feet. This quiet isn't unnerving but comforting. Enjoy your day however you like.

Selfishness

I occasionally will get questions either by email or in the comment section. The following is something that I've thought about myself from time to time:

"The hardest emotion for me to overcome is the feeling of selfishness. I am constantly questioning myself and my "new method" of dealing with my brother's alcoholism as being selfish. I have recently taken a hard line with not wanting to put up with, witness or contribute to his drinking, which in turn has alienated me from the rest of my family - each trying their own method of coping with his problem. How is it possible to get my parents and my other brother to all agree on how to best help my younger brother with his alcoholism?" -Lost

Lost, you wrote about your brother and how the family is trying whatever they can to cope with his alcoholism. Since alcoholism is a family disease, it is important for the family to go to Al-Anon meetings and learn some coping skills that will help in their daily lives. Remember that alcoholism is a disease. Remind yourself daily, or hourly if necessary, that your loved one has a disease and you are powerless over it. You can’t fix it, no matter how hard you try or how “good” you are. It is impossible to “earn” the love or attention of an isolating alcoholic. Let that idea go – stop trying to manipulate the alcoholic and force solutions to the problem.

I used to think that my detaching and not wanting to enable the alcoholics in my life was selfish also. I used to spend so much time worrying about the alcoholic and little about myself. Finally, I learned to keep the focus on me and not on what the other person was doing. I still struggle with this at times. But it has begun to dawn on me that I am not being selfish. I'm simply learning to think about my own recovery first and foremost.

What I have literally done is divest myself of those things that cause me a lot of stress. I attend meetings, I do activities and hobbies that I enjoy and if I don't want to do something, then I don't. For many years, I just went along with things, going to parties when I was bored or anxious, or trying to fill my time with work or other duties. I don't do that anymore.

There can be repercussions from this. Once I started to have a life of my own, I began to enjoy time spent by myself. My wife, who is an alcoholic, was at first not used to my not being around all the time. She and I both struggled to keep a way to detach and maintain boundaries without isolating.

During her drinking years, I felt invisible and in need of attention. I no longer feel that I have to be "around" all the time. And my attitude has improved dramatically. I used to feel angry and found fault easily with others and myself. Now, I feel happy most of the time and have learned to not be so serious or critical of myself or others.

Since being in Al-Anon I've learned that I wasn't powerful enough to make another person drink. I knew that I was not the cause of anyone else's alcoholism. That was a great relief.

I quit beating up on myself for something that I might have done to control the alcoholism. There was nothing that I had tried that worked. After a lot of Al-Anon meetings and attending open A.A. meetings, I realized that it didn’t matter why my wife drank. The point was that every time she drank, she affected not only herself, but also me.

When it finally came clear to me that I was powerless over what my wife did, I started to get better. I was able to shift the focus onto myself –the person that I could change. And when that happened, I started to recover because I was stepping off of the emotional roller coaster of the illness of alcoholism. And that is also how I could help my wife. Feeling guilty didn’t do a thing except to make me feel bad about myself and to do and say some very outrageous things.

So I am selfish with my time and my recovery. But that selfishness has helped me to become a better person who is able to deal better with the stresses of living with an alcoholic. I don't pay as much attention to those things that I "should" be doing anymore. The trick for me is to find balance in this state of recovery. I started off on one side of the pendulum swing, doing all this stuff for others and letting my mental well-being and spontaneity slide.

My Higher Power continues to hold me accountable for my emotions and actions. I used to blame my alcoholic for all of my problems, but my growing awareness won't let me. Instead I have to take responsibility for my part.

Maybe we both are grieving the old way of life where I was always available to her at the expense of things that I wanted to do. I used to long for the time that she would realize how valuable I am and treat me accordingly. Now I've realized through the program that I'm much happier with myself and know my value as a person. And my guilt at keeping the focus on myself has diminished considerably. I'm going to continue to work towards balance as we meet on middle ground where we can both be comfortable.

It sounds as if you are accepting that there isn't anything you can do to cure your brother. It's important for those around him to stop doing things that he is able to do for himself. It's best to stop all manner of enabling behavior, and “detach with love”. An alcoholic will test boundaries and your resolve many times, but if you keep the focus on yourself and stop the enabling, your life will get better. And just maybe your brother will figure out that he needs to get some help.

The ladder to achievement

100%------------I Did

90%-----------I Will

80%----------I Can

70%---------I Think I Can

60%--------I Might

50%-------I Think I Might

40%------What Is It?

30%----I Wish I could

20%---I Don't Know How

10%--I Can't

0%-I Won't

"Success is to be measured, not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

I enjoyed giving the talk last night. The place where I spoke has 33,000 acres of forests and wetlands with only 2,200 homes. The architecture was incredible. I was treated to a fabulous dinner after the talk. It was a nice way to end a beautiful day.

Today I took down the mast of the sailboat and will be trailering it to bring home for bottom cleaning and repainting with antifouling paint. It's a good time to do some maintenance now that the weather is cooler and the fouling organisms aren't settling as rapidly.

I don't like to think in terms of things that I can't do because what that usually means is that I won't do those things. I like to think in terms of action. And the action that I find most helpful today is practicing the 12 steps, doing my best to do God's will, and practicing gratitude for what is in my life.

Sea creatures, cooking and sex

It's a beautiful Friday here. I'm glad that it's almost the weekend. This afternoon I'm going to give a talk on one of my favorite critters, the horseshoe crab. Sharing information on marine organisms is something that I look forward to. If I can impart some information that will help people to consider the estuaries and oceans in a different way, as a home to some interesting and important creatures, then I consider that a success.

The horseshoe crab, a humble prehistoric looking critter, has been around since the Ordovician period, which was about 500 million years ago. That's a long time. What's really intriguing is that the blood of horseshoe crab is used by the biomedical industry to detect bacterial endotoxins in catheter tubes and injectable drugs. So this ancient creature provides a very real and valuable service for many people.

I had to laugh about Mary's cooking experience with octopus. I've read of many methods to tenderize the rubbery cephalopod. If you ask five different people what these measures are you are likely to get five different answers, all arcane - which goes a long way toward explaining why no one cooks octopus at home. A Greek cook may tell you to beat it against some rocks. A Spanish cook will dip it into boiling water three times, then cook it in a copper pot - only copper will do. An Italian might cook it with two corks. The Japanese rub it all over with salt, or knead it with grated daikon, then slice the meat at different angles, with varying strokes. I have used a wooden mallet to beat the rubber out of the octopus.

But I read up after Mary's adventure to find that the best method which is often the simplest (Occam's rasor) is to cook octopus and squid slowly. Cook for under five minutes or so for salad or sushi. For deep frying, it would be best to do long, slow cooking to get a tender texture. I read in one book that 30 minutes per kilo (two pounds) is a gauge. But much will depend on repeatedly testing the skin with a sharp knife. When the knife blade splits the skin with little resistance, then the octopus is done.

And if all that isn't gross enough, when eating calimari look for the long tentacle that extends beyond the others. That is the hectocotylized arm of the male. He uses that to place a sperm packet in the female and thereby inseminates her.

Bon appetit.

Good memories

I got back late last night from Newport. What a great town. I was reminded of going there about three years ago. I was an anxiety-ridden mess. I was going through a crisis with my wife. I had just gotten into Al-Anon. Everything in my world was a maelstrom of confusion.

I called my sponsor from the airport. I can remember having a conversation in which I didn't really hear what he was saying except that I needed to keep the focus on myself.

I thought that the best way to do that was to go to some recovery meetings. I went to several open AA meetings while I was there because there weren't any Al-Anon meetings during my stay.

I walked into a mid-day meeting and introduced myself to an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair. I told him that I was in Al-Anon but needed to be at a meeting. I think that he could sense my anxiety. He asked me to chair the meeting which I declined. He told me that it would be okay (which I now realize does not coincide with Tradition One). I felt a bit unsure but decided that if I was being asked to do something then I needed to go ahead with it. God knows, I needed to be at that meeting. For some reason, I felt that I was being guided to do this and just trusted that it would all be okay.

So I read How It Works and then he asked me to tell my story. So I gave about a 15 minute share about what being me currently felt like and how I had gotten into Al-Anon for help in my own recovery. There were about 10 people present at the meeting and each one who shared indicated that my story reminded them of why they needed to stay sober and of the pain that they had caused others. One fellow said that he had committed crimes on a daily basis during his years of alcohol and drugs, had been to thousands of AA meetings but had never heard an Al-Anon speak. He said that the honesty and courage that I expressed were to be commended. I felt very welcomed and had a sense of well-being that put me at peace.

So going back to Newport this week made me remember the kindness I was shown by the AA fellowship there. And for some reason that made me feel better about a lot of things. It may not have been the best thing for a beginner in Al-Anon to do, but I appreciate that the elderly man in the wheelchair recognized a fellow lost soul and reached out to help.

Nothing to give

I made it to Newport. My hotel room window overlooks the water and many sailboats. I passed the Newport Shipyard on my way. There were some awesome boats there. I hope to walk over to see some during lunch.

I have to say that learning that someone has nothing to give is a hard dose of reality. After inventorying the situation, I can see that I was pretending the person was someone other than who they really are. I was negotiating with reality.

I know that people have all manner of character defects as do I. Once again I'm reminded that there is nothing that I can do about another's reality. However, the one thing that I don't have to do is deny it. I realize this particular friend is destructive. I just have to let him be who he is. I have wondered for some time whether he was capable of trust. Now I realize that I knew the answer in my gut for a long time.

I like that I have compassion but that I take care of myself and face the reality of our friendship. I realize that an addictive personality can include things other than alcohol. But I don't have to be involved in his sickness or secrets. I have decided, just as I knew all along, that this doesn't have my name on it.

For too many years, I have been a good friend. Now it's time for me to be a good friend to myself and take my own best interests into account. I like how the program has taught me that my choice is to set others free to be whatever they choose. And in letting them go, I also become free.

A tough couple of days

I've had a tough couple of days. I don't want to go into specifics at the moment. I've had to look really hard at some behavior that has left me questioning trust of another person. I'm having a bit of difficulty with that level of trust at the current time.

After a bit of soul searching and some moments of doubt and pain, I realized that I need to just trust God and realize that he has a plan. That revelation came at me again and again yesterday.

I'm going to close with a simple gratitude list. It seems like the best way to end the day.

• I'm grateful for being able to push through some tough stuff and come out knowing that I will be okay.
  
• I'm thankful for the ability to be optimistic. It is a trait that has enabled me to put one foot in front of another many times.
  
• I know that whenever things seems difficult that I can turn to the God of my understanding who provides so much comfort. For that I am so grateful.
• I'm grateful to be able to come home and have it be a place of comfort.
  
• I'm thankful for a new sponsee who has decided that life doesn't have to be unmanageable.
• I have been too preoccupied with some drama swirling around that I haven't had time to check up on each of you. I realize that reading what you write fills me with gratitude.

I'll be on a trip to Rhode Island for a couple of days. I hope to post while away at a work meeting. Take care. I'm going to do my best to stay in the day and trust God.

Today is my friend's 19th birthday in AA. He had his last drink at 7:40 AM. It was his dark night of the soul.

After drinking all night and for days previously, he remembers looking at the clock before passing out. Another alcoholic tried to revive him but couldn't. So he and another friend, fearing alcoholic poisoning, took D. to detox.

Today I pray for those still sick and suffering. And I thank God for those who are sober through his grace.