Oysters

This is what we are seeing right now--a long line of vehicles going into a massive parking area for the country's largest oyster roast. This year we decided to come early, presumably to beat the crowd. Everyone else had the same idea.

But it is a sunny day without a cloud in the sky. It is chilly--perfect weather for a roast. The restaurant association will be serving other food as well. The oyster shucking and eating contests are something to behold. I'll post more photos from the afternoon's festivities later.

I am feeling much better today. Yesterday I definitely took it easy. I may not eat my usual share of the delectable mollusks, but I will give it a try. One of our sayings down here is "Eat fish live longer, eat oysters love longer."

Deserved or not, the humble oyster has maintained a timeless mystique when it comes to passion. The oysters own love life is an interesting one, reproducing during the summer months and changing sex every time they do so. Weird, huh?

Romance aside, oysters are a pretty healthy option-- they're a valuable source of minerals, such as zinc, calcium and copper, and are also rich in iodine and low in cholesterol. So love longer, live longer and look younger.

I am ready to give that a try.

Friday

I came home and crashed yesterday afternoon.  Exhaustion had set in along with a bit of a cold.  I don't like to miss work, but I'm going to stay home today as well.  I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. 

My amends yesterday made me feel better.  Although the person who chaired the meeting last week wasn't there, I called her last night and left a message saying that I would like to talk with her.  I learned that she was upset because I left the meeting and thought that it was her fault.  My behavior had a domino effect of making others feel bad.  And my resentment that day did nothing for me at all.  So I'm glad that I had a chance to clear that up at the meeting yesterday. 

I am going to meet with a sponsee later today.  He is making great progress on Step Four.  In fact, two of my sponsees are tackling the rather daunting Blueprint for Progress book that is part of Al-Anon's Step Four.  I can see the changes in them, and they have said that they feel as if they are finally getting it.  It just takes a while. 

I am not going out on the boat this weekend.  I will likely go down to the boat and check on her, but Saturday is supposed to be rainy and cold.  Sunday is the day of the gigantic oyster roast that we attend each year.  There will be 10,000 bushels of oysters and thousands of people there to eat them.  We have our tickets so I'm going to rest up for the Sunday festivities. 

I hope that your Friday is going well.  

An amends to Al-Anon

Today is bright and sunny.  I feel tired and not filled with much energy. I know that I would like to go home, get in bed with a good book, read until I'm sleepy and then take a long nap. Instead, I am going to my noon meeting.

Last week, I left the meeting before it was over.  There was so much cross talk and triple dipping that I decided to quietly get up and leave about ten minutes before the meeting was over. I thought that the meeting was being hi-jacked. I had a resentment and acted on it. Today I will go to the meeting and make an amends to the group.  Regardless of what is going on in a meeting, I can quietly wait until the meeting is over to make a comment if a tradition has been violated.  Or I can request that a group conscious meeting be held if there is something that I think needs to be addressed.

My judgmental attitude towards those who are in my meetings does nothing to help me or others.  I am only exercising my old pattern of thinking that I know a better way.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. Paul Coelho.

Reflecting

I am still in reflective mode today. I went to the funeral yesterday. I did not feel any comfort from the ceremony. I had moments of meditation before the ceremony, just sitting quietly and listening to my own breathing. I felt comfort when I left the church and walked outside into the sunlight, looked up at the blue sky, and said my thanks to God for helping me through the day.

I was still pondering the nature of the quick and the dead when I went to the meeting last night. I like this meeting. I like the variety of people there and what I hear from them. Some of what I hear is wickedly funny, some is sad, some is perplexing, but I come away with something real and to ponder. I was glad to be alive. I wanted to hug a bunch of my fellows and say to them, "We are the fortunates who have been given a chance to work on recovery. That is something to be thankful for."

But I didn't do that. I shook hands and kept my thoughts to myself. At the ice cream "meeting after the meeting", some friends and I talked about our sail boats, books we are reading and some other light stuff. It wasn't until we were leaving that I mentioned to a friend about the death, the funeral and the "whys".

When I got home, I listened to my wife tell me that the meeting, which the deceased used to attend, was filled with those who were angry about the suicide. They were also asking the "why" question. I don't think that there is an answer to "why?". He may have lost his spirituality, he may have lost his mind, he may have lost money in the market...it all may be true. I don't need to ponder the question any longer.

So I am letting that go. And tonight I'm going to go rowing in the harbor on a clear and cold evening. Every stroke of the oar will remind me that I am alive. The following is one of my favorite poems and says it best:

If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land –
that sacred earth that is your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear – to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

~ Rumi ~

A wonderful gift

Before my home group meeting last night, my sponsor gave me a belated birthday gift.  We hadn't gotten together over the last couple of weeks for one reason or another.  So last night, before our study hour, I opened my gift.  It was a set of Father John Doe's Golden Books.

Father John Doe wrote his fourteen Golden Books back in the 1940's and 50's and early 60's. They are still being read and used by those in recovery programs today.  Here is the series:
1947 Spiritual Side
1948 Tolerance
1949 Attitudes
1950 Action
1951 Happiness
1952 Excuses
1953 Sponsorship
1954 Principles
1955 Resentments
1957 Decisions
1960 Passion
1963 Sanity
1964 Sanctity
1964 Living

I have read that the three most-published A.A. authors during the course of A.A.’s first sixty years were Bill W., Richmond Walker (who wrote the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book), and Father John Doe who was Ralph Pfau, author of the fourteen Golden Books.

I can't think of a more thoughtful gift.  I love books, and I love reading recovery books.  And I have a deep appreciation for the history of both AA and Al-Anon.  This gift will be treasured as long as I live.

I am going to close this post with a gratitude list for my heart is overflowing with gratitude today.  I'm grateful for:

• The caring shown to me by those in the fellowship.  The love is appreciated and reciprocated.  We were brought together by God and that's pretty powerful.
  
• My home group's decision to change meeting locations. Last night, we had a full kitchen with coffee and hot chocolate, a bathroom, comfortable furniture, and brightly decorated rooms.  We were all giddy with happiness.
• Understanding that my wife doesn't want to attend the funeral of M. today.  She is going to the meeting tonight where she and M. first met.  
• Being alive and of reasonably sound mind and body.  I find life in all its forms much more interesting than death.  My last chapter is still to be written.  
• The sponsor-sponsee relationship.  I am straight up with my sponsor and he with me.  We may differ in opinions on some things, but I trust him without reservation.  That is a powerful thing that I can't say about most people.
  

I'm going to have a day in which I will need God with me.  All I have to do is be quiet in my mind, and He will be there.

No options?

I learned this morning that a friend of my wife killed himself over the weekend.  He and C. were in a couple of groups together.  In fact, he once commented to C. that he admired how she "just quit and white knuckled" without having to go to rehab or detox.

I didn't know him well but knew his wife who attended some meetings that I attended.  It is all very sad to me.  My sponsor said that sometimes people think that there are no more options.  I don't have any answers as to "Why?". I can only imagine that dying must be more attractive than living at that moment.

C and I will go to the funeral tomorrow.  I still pray for the sick and suffering.  There just seems to be a lot of that at the moment.  I feel so much hope. It is as if in the midst of so much anguish I see life as still precious and beautiful.  I wish that C's friend had felt that instead of darkness.

There but for the grace of God.... 

Saturday of rest

The gray drizzly morning has now given way to sun. We decided to sleep in this morning and then go for a walk on the beach. The wind is fresh from the NE.

Instead of going on the boat we are going to build a binocular holder for the boat. Before Al-Anon, it would be a disaster to work together on a project.

I remember trying to wallpaper, sheetrock, and paint together. Those projects were interspersed with hurt feelings, anger, and defeat. I am ashamed to admit that I put a hammer through the sheetrock after a particularly ugly bout.

It feels good to work together without rancor now. If impatience does occur, I can now walk away, take a break, and practice restraint.

Later, I am going to a meeting. It's rare to have a weekend not on the boat. So this day offers up some opportunities to relax and enjoy each other in other ways.

Reminders of the past

I was reading a post by Irish Gumbo in which he describes the mementos of the past that were a reminder of the love that built him.  It made me reflect on what kinds of mementos I have that speak to me of love. 

The house is filled with all kinds of "treasures".  One person described it as a museum to my past.  And in many ways, that is true. In every room, there is the furniture that was passed down from one generation to the next.  There is china and silver which were used by several generations.  I sometimes imagine the food that these objects held and what the conversation was around the table. 

One of my favorite pieces of furniture is the Hepplewhite table that my father built.  Another is the old Hepplewhite dining table that dates back over 200 years and was used by me when I was drawing and painting. My mother would spread out newspapers over it, and I was allowed to take my art lessons there.  And then there is the old cherry tester bed which was on a schooner and was the bed that I slept in as a child. All are reminders of the hands that built, polished, rubbed, and used the pieces.  How many meals were eaten at the tables? Who made love in the bed?

And then there are the many small pieces of the past that are part of this house.  As I was walking past an old pie safe this morning, I saw the fish scaler that my father used.  He would stand at the fish cleaning table and scrape the scales off the fish before he gutted them.  I would stand by his side, fascinated even then by the iridescent light of these scales as they flew off the fish. 

Next to the fish scaler is a tobacco plug cutter, a sausage stuffer, and an old block used to hoist up hogs for killing.  These are some mementos of my father's life on the farm.  Some of my mother's mementos are pressed ferns, tree leaves, and flowers from her botanical studies; starfish and shells that she collected and carefully labeled; her journals, photo albums, old letters and postcards written in her lovely cursive.  The house is filled with other paintings, photos, and artifacts of the family.  And each one is a reminder for me.

These are the things that remind me not only of the love that shaped me but of the love that shaped my forebears. They may be just old things to many people, but to me they speak in whispers of my connectedness, my self, my past, and now my present. 

How therapy helped

I've mentioned a few times on here that I went to therapy for a while.  Actually, I went to therapy on and off for over the course of ten years.  I knew that I wasn't really happy and was seeking a way to change my behavior.  So I got a recommendation from someone and went to see what I could do.

The first psychiatrist that I went to was a kind old gentleman, Dr. W.  But he didn't really probe much, and I never had a sense of any kind of satisfaction after our sessions.  It was as if he was skimming the surface but what I had was buried very deep. And I wanted to hide it. Interestingly enough, my mother was also seeing him for her depression.  He wasn't able to discern the depth of her mental illness though, did not prescribe any medications, so her depression worsened. One traumatic day, after she had a major depressive episode, I took her to the shrink on call.  He said that my mother needed to be hospitalized and  indicated severe "textbook" biological depression. I never made any more appointments with Dr. W. after that.

My next psychiatrist, Dr. D.,  was a tough fellow who didn't suffer fools gladly.  He was physically imposing. We were about the same height but he had me by a good 30 pounds. He had shaggy white hair and a white beard.  He liked to wear jeans and old sweaters. I remember the first sessions alone with him and how we would sit and stare at each other.  He was good at waiting me out.  I would cave, and when I did speak it seemed I wanted his approval.

He was definitely a father figure for me.  He could fix his eyes on me and know that I was faking a lot.  The group sessions were particularly difficult because I didn't want to talk at first in front of strangers.  But the more that I did, the better I got at not being afraid to speak. He taught me about asking for what I needed, rather than leaving it for the other person to intuit. I remember Dr. D. talking to me about how depleting it was to stuff my anger, how it was okay to let it flow in productive ways such as humor, fantasies, but not through acting it out.  He was the one who told me that I had choices when dealing with difficult people: I could try to "out crazy" them, or I could decide to "leave the field of battle".  He said that if I chose the former then I had best be prepared to spit my anger out in such a way that they would be crushed, and that would be at great emotional cost to me and the other person.  He thought that I would fully "graduate" when I could not flinch and look him in the eye and tell him to "go fuck yourself".  I finally did that, he laughed uproariously, and I felt better.....for a time.

After a number of years though, the same old me was still there and the lessons of humor, asking for what I needed, and choices about how to deal with my anger became a distant memory.  I was back to being simply miserable.  I started going to Dr. D's wife, Dr. D-S,  because Dr. D. had died a few years earlier.  She was a gentle woman who was very spiritual.  She was also seeing my wife in separate appointments.

I would talk to Dr. D-S.  about my emptiness, my feelings of dissatisfaction with myself and my marriage, and she would make some suggestions.  But I can't remember today what the take away message was--maybe just that I needed to try to communicate better with my wife, or that I needed to pursue some hobbies which I didn't really have at the time.  I know that many times I talked about my feelings around my wife's drinking. Dr. D-S.  actually thought that I might have PTSD as a result of living around alcoholism for much of my life. However, she never suggested that I go to Al-Anon.

While seeing Dr. D-S., a friend suggested that I needed to go to Al-Anon.  I talked with Dr. D-S. about it, and she seemed to think that it would be good for me.  My wife started going to AA at the same time. For some reason, Dr. D-S. became uncomfortable with seeing both of us in separate sessions and suggested that it might be better for me to seek help from her therapist.  (There is a bit of irony here).  So off I went to see Dr. H. 

Dr. H. is a psychologist.  She shared a lot of knowledge about alcoholism with me.  She had worked as a counselor at a rehab facility. She talked to me about co-dependency.  I learned that I had poor coping skills for dealing with conflict, anger, and anxiety (see diagram at left taken from Joe's blog Just for Today-Leveraging the Tools of Al-Anon).  We did some role playing so that I could begin to develop ways to take care of myself.  And she was the one who suggested that I develop hobbies and learn to entertain myself, rather than having expectations of others to do that with me or for me.  I really believe that I was at last beginning to comprehend (or at least hear) that I could not control what others did. 

As I got further into Al-Anon, I began to see that much of what I was hearing in meetings was similar to what Dr. H. was telling me.  And after a mutual agreement,  I decided that it was time for me to move away from therapy. 

In retrospect, I can see that therapy prepared me to more fully comprehend Al-Anon.  I was not afraid to share, to open up, to inventory my feelings, or to seek a guide (i.e. sponsor).  And for a minimal voluntary contribution at every meeting,  I have learned some of the best coping skills that anyone could offer--the 12 steps.

Cliques in recovery?

Last night after the meeting a group of us went out to get ice cream.  We talked about Haiti and some non meeting stuff but eventually we got around to talking about the meeting. The "ice cream" group likes to talk about all kinds of stuff, but meeting stuff seems to be one of the favorite topics.  And sometimes it becomes a bit of a gripe session.

Last night, we were musing over the format of sharing. This is a large meeting with sometimes 40 people.  And the format has been one of going around the room.  So sometimes those to the left of the person who has the topic get to share and sometimes those to the right. This is the only meeting that I attend in which there is a "go around" way of sharing.  In the others, people share when they feel like it (or God directs them).

Because the meeting is so large, the chair always asks that people limit their sharing to 3 minutes. Well, that doesn't happen most of the time.  As was mentioned last night, there are "repeat offenders" who share for 15 minutes. In some cases, those who share longer really need the time because there is something heavy going on. In other cases, there is just talk and some of it is not really relevant to recovery.

I don't let this drive me crazy (see Mr. Sponsor Pants great post) because I realized a long time ago that not everyone will get to share anyway with such a large crowd.  But I guess I also believe that one's share needs to come from the heart and not just because it's your turn in the line up. I like the idea of saying "ditto" to what so-and-so said when I'm next in line unless I have a rare original thought after 20 shares.  

I enjoy the ice cream group, but I also don't want it to become an opportunity for bashing meetings or people. That starts to feel a bit like a clique or even a trial without a jury.  I had enough of the clique stuff when I was in high school. Plus, it doesn't seem to be placing principles above personalities (you're probably already got me pegged for a clique). 

What I like about Al-Anon is we all have some kind of deep seated wounding that has occurred because of alcoholism.  We pretty much all have this.  And we are doing what we can to offer help, kindness, a smile and a phone number to anyone who needs it.  We also have a bunch of character defects that are bubbling right under the surface. And those may cause us to partition ourselves into little cliques.

So here are some of the ones that I have noticed in Al-Anon:

• The Traditionalists--I qualify as one of these--you probably guessed that.  I feel a bit of incredulity when someone reads from the Big Book or other non-conference approved literature, introduces themselves as "Hi, I'm Joe and I'm an alcoholic", or cross talks all over the place. 
• The Experts who haven't worked a single step but lead step studies or who have a thousand years in the program but still struggle with Step One. 
• The Sufferers who beat up on themselves at every meeting and want to compare their suffering with others. They share their pain with each other after the meeting. They often refuse to get a sponsor or work the steps. 
• The Uber-religious who raise their eyebrows at curse words, references to confusion about God or faith, and who often quote the Bible. 
• The Gossipers who are immediately on the phone to chat about what was said, who was there, and what a mess they are.
  

I've heard about cliques in other programs as well.  We are unique from AA in that Al-Anon doesn't seem to have a 13th Stepper Clique who ogle.  Our sly sidelong glances are not directed at other "available members" but are usually coming from the Traditionalists who sense that something is amiss in the meeting.

Maybe it's just natural that when a group of people get together there is going to be a herd mentality.  I have a train wreck curiosity about some of this.  But mostly I just go for the ice cream.

PS: I just realized that this is my 1000th post. Not a particularly auspicious one but I just didn't feel very auspicious today.

Taking the high road

I wanted to write a happy post today that was filled with some good old fluff.  But I can't really fool any of you.  It is hard to come back to work after a magical weekend.  It is hard to get reports done and to deal with stuff when my mind is wandering back to wooded trails and sandy beaches. But I am lucky enough to be at this job for 15 more weeks.  And during that time, I have a lot of transitioning to do. So I had best suck it up and get used to it. 

I had a tough meeting with a sponsee today.  He has started the fourth step. He is where I used to be--not seeing my part, not wanting to admit when I was wrong, judging others, blaming the alcoholic.  He feels as if he is a failure and sees things as right versus wrong.  I sound like the proverbial broken record, trying to get him back to a place of compassion and to seeing that each of us has a part when resentments are born.  I know that he was angry at me for pointing out that I don't have to participate in every fight and fulfill every expectation that gets tossed my way.  If it doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.

I understand that the fourth step is a hard one.  It made me stop trying to fool myself.  It helped me to come clean about a lot of things that I didn't want to think about.  But at some deep level, I understood that it wasn't about whether I was right or wrong.  I had accepted that my Higher Power wasn't judging me.  I was judging me.  And once I began to forgive myself, quit trying to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear, and kept my own truth, then I began to see that the fourth step wasn't really hard at all.  It was a revelation.

Everything I am learning from each of you, my sponsor, my sponsees, meetings, and literature shows me that I am much better off by not assuming that my reality may necessarily be what another is experiencing. My default setting happens to be one that can slide into criticism and judgment. Mustering up some compassion and empathy goes a long way when dealing with people in general, not just alcoholics.  And what I've found is that when I choose to take the high road in situations it is often the result of having taken the low road at an earlier turn along the path.

Today

Thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday. We went for a last walk on the island and will be heading back after breakfast.

It was a magical time here. I would like to stay another week. But other things have to be done. Last night after the lights went out, I couldn't help but think about 700 miles from here there was chaos, death, suffering beyond imagination.

And then there was the suffering that Ed wrote about. That kept me awake as I wondered about what festers beneath the surface in each of us. We think that we know someone, and later find out that we didn't really know them at all.

And then there are those who still suffer from the deaths of those they love who chose suicide or Russian roulette with drugs or alcohol. Kel just wrote about the death of her dear son. It all seems too much at times, too overwhelming and pointless.

I am reminded though that these terrible events are outliers. For the vast majority of the time, things go smoothly without catastrophe. I still believe in the goodness of people. Most of us don't harbor dark thoughts of murder or death. God is still here with me as He is with those who suffer today. And He too may be weeping at what He sees.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. We had a rainy and very windy night. The wind howled for hours. But we were dry and secure at anchor.

Now there is glorious sunshine. The photo above is of a miniature birthday cake for later. We are going on another long walk this morning.

Many of the plants along the trail are labeled. The red berries in one of yesterday's photos were from yaupon holly (Ilex vomitoria). It was used as an emetic by native Americans. The large trees are live oaks, typical of a maritime forest.


Other plants in this habitat include red cedar and cabbage palmetto.


The Chinese tallow is an invasive species that has pretty white berries shown above. It has been called the popcorn tree for that reason. But it is invasive and outcompetes other native species.



The beach itself has the carcasses of many trees from heavy erosion. This beach is called the Boneyard by locals.

Well, enough of writing about natural history. I'm going to go enjoy some. Have a peaceful day.

On the trail

Here are a few photos from this morning's walk. Rain is expected later today. But no rain can dim the enjoyment of this day.















Have a good day!

Long weekend

It's going to be my natal birthday on Sunday. My wife asked if I wanted a party, but I just wanted something low key. The best thing that I could think of was to go on the boat. The weather is supposed to be relatively warm which will be a welcome change from the below freezing temperatures of the past two weeks.

We did a birthday party last night for my father-in-law whose birthday is today. And I opened some of my presents last night as well. It was nice to spend some time with my in-laws. They are nearing 90 but seemed to be doing well. They live in their own home, still drive, and take good care of each other. As with all of us, it is one day at a time.

We are leaving today for an island up the coast where there are hiking trails and a good beach for walking. I can't think of a better way to celebrate my birthday. I'm grateful for a lot of things but here is what comes to mind today:

• Getting wiser and more comfortable with who I am as each year passes
• Talking with sponsees who are making progress with the steps. They remind me that patience, humility, willingness and hope are wonderful traits.
  
• That some help is getting to the suffering people in Haiti. I felt a strong urge to go there to help.
  
• Mindful of all that I have and what I sometimes take for granted.
  
• How disasters rally everyone to lend a helping hand. I wish that mentality would persist with normal everyday life.

"They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind me." (from Courage to Change: One Day At A Time in Al-Anon II, page 83).

"He who sees the calamity of other people finds his own calamity light.” Arabian proverb

I'm still here

I lost yet another colleague and friend this week. We have known each other since graduate school. He was a funny fellow with an infectious laugh. We partied together back then. It was a time of working hard and partying hard. We spent lots of time together on research vessels, exploring wondrous things from the depths of the ocean.

Two years ago he came to my lab to work on some collections that I had. He was an expert in his field. It was good to reconnect with him. We no longer were into partying but instead would talk about where we had been and what was important to us now. He had recently married after many years of dalliances with beautiful women. He married a plain woman with a good heart who loved him to the core. He said that he felt settled and happy, reconnected with his children. Not long after that, he was diagnosed with lung cancer (note: He never smoked but developed a severe respiratory infection after entering a bat infested tree in the Amazon. The doctors were unsure whether this was a contributing cause or not). He is another bright light gone much too soon.

I remember my mother telling me in her 90's that as one grows older, it can be hard because there will be few old friends left. She said that she was glad though to still be around and hoped to be the last one standing. I thought at the time that would be a lonely thing--to be the last one in your group of friends still alive. But I'm beginning to appreciate what she meant.

I am not an old man by any means. I am younger than those who predeceased me. So I wonder why it is that I am still here. I was thinking this last night as I was rowing under a crystal clear sky on water that was slick and dark. Why am I still breathing, experiencing the wonders of this world, loving, touching, seeing? It is inexplicable in a way.

I know that genes have something to do with it. Maybe luck as well. Yet, I somehow think that perhaps there is some other reason. I am hoping that God isn't through with me yet. And that there is still much work to be done with myself and others. Maybe it's best to not ask the Why question at all but to take a bit from Tennyson: "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die".

The tools that I need

I am tired today. I have been to two evening meetings which made for two long days.

On Monday, I went to my home group. We have been meeting for years in an old Sunday school building at one of the rural churches. The building is run down with moldy walls, no bathroom (there is a solution--find a tombstone or bush), and insulation falling from the ceiling.

One of our long-time members, who is part of the governing body of the church, was asked to carry the message that our group wanted to move to the newly built church where there are bathrooms, a kitchen, clean floors, and no mold. Not long ago, when asked repeatedly whether we would be moving, he let us know that he didn't "think" that the church board wanted to have us move to the new church because there was no way to lock up items (he blames the AA group who meets next to us for the theft of a TV). So we recently had a group conscience and voted to move.

Interestingly enough on Monday at the meeting, the Al-Anon/Church liaison announced that the church was now going to repair the bathroom because they don't want us to leave. It's basically too little too late. As one of the members said, "We have put up with enough just dealing with alcoholism. And we have been putting up with unacceptable meeting conditions for long enough. It's time for a change."

I can feel resentment that I have regarding this situation. I don't believe that the pastor or the governing board knew until recently that we were dissatisfied. I don't believe that the message was getting through that we wanted to move to a room in the new church. I am having to let this go because it serves no purpose for me to judge another. We are moving to a different church where there is a kitchen, bathroom, glassed in meeting room with a view, and where we are welcomed. That's the important thing. I need to remember my part, humility and gratitude.

Last night's meeting was fun. The topic was what tools do we use in the program. An actual tool box was passed around and we got to pick up hammers, wrenches, rachets, levels, and other tools that had slogans and Al-Anon messages attached. It was innovative and generated a lot of sharing about what tools we use to get through difficult situations. I think that the best tool that I can use right now is prayer and remembering to place principles above personalities.

Humbly asked

I have a sponsee who seems to not quite comprehend what humility means. He insists that he is right about so much. He recants stories to me about how he lost his last job, only to carry the same argumentative, defensive behavior over into a new job. Even when there is no point in arguing, he likes to get the last word in.

I don't think that I fully understood humility either until I got the necessary emotional flailing that helped me to finally begin to see there was another way. For me, I had to experience enough discomfort with what I was doing that change became necessary. I wasn't going to be humble if I clung to arrogance and self-righteousness.

Humility is a precious thing because it goes hand in hand with gratitude and serenity. I had relied so long on my own self-sufficiency that it was difficult to let my defenses down enough to even think about being humble. But once I came to believe that I could no longer carry my life's burdens by myself, I was willing to have a new way of thinking that included humility.

Humility isn't a negative quality, and it doesn't equate to humiliation. For me, it is an awareness of my shortcomings balanced with a sense of pride in my achievements. I have decided that simple awareness of who I am is humbling.

I have used my isolation, my being better than or less than, and my fear to assign blame. I can see that my sponsee has the same thoughts. It is easier to blame others than to admit that I may have shortcomings. But none of that brought me any peace or greater understanding of happiness. I could not manipulate my way through life to get my way.

I am glad to have reached a place where I no longer have to constantly defend my position. Instead I see how I can be more useful to others. And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

“Humbly’ means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.” - Lois’ Story

Attraction not promotion

I read some good posts today (Thanks Mary Christine and Ed!) that mentioned among other things, the amount of misinformation and negativism that occurs about 12 step programs, especially AA, on the internet.

I think that the internet has a lot of resources about recovery. It is up to the discerning reader to "take what they like and leave the rest". Although much of the criticism about 12 step programs is leveled at AA and how cult-like it is, I even found quite a few sites claiming that Al-Anon was a cult.

Some of the points made are that:
1) Al-Anon is anti family--The "family disease" concept is described as blaming parents and other alcoholics in our lives for our problems. Those in Al-Anon are purported to seek perpetrators who "abused" and caused much suffering in our lives.

2) The entire family must become involved in Al-Anon--The alcoholic won't be understood unless the family attends enough meetings and submits to the program. Al-Anon uses the disease concept as a lever to keep you coming back to meetings, and to make loyal members of your family.

3) Al-Anon perpetuates that the alcoholic is sick--The family will not be able to understand the alcoholic unless they also accept the addictive disease concept and become involved in a 12-step program such as Al-Anon. After attending Al-Anon, a person will regard the alcoholic as sick which will create mistrust and emotional distance between you and the loved one.

4) Al-Anon replaces family bonds with cult ties, defining the relationships between family members in clinical and cult terms. Families often break apart on account of AA cult loyalties.

I seriously wondered after reading some of this "information" whether any of the people who wrote about the cult concept ever a) attended several Al-Anon meetings or b) listened to anything that was said. I did happen upon this interesting published Al-Anon article by an anthropologist that gave a different view point.

Because I do believe that people have a right to their own opinions (I don't have to agree with what they say), I won't attempt to dissuade anyone from their beliefs. In fact, I'm not interested in promoting Al-Anon to a person who doesn't want it. But I did want it.

When I went to my first meeting, I could tell that it was something that I desperately wanted. I got a sponsor, listened to the experiences of others, and gradually began to incorporate the Al-Anon principles as a way of life. I learned about courage, strength, validation, understanding, experience and calm serenity from Al-Anon. I stopped worrying about what the alcoholic did, got away from obsessing and nagging her, and started to focus on my own well being.

And yet, the behavioral patterns and emotional wounds still crop up which is why I continue to go to meetings and work with others. I think that this program teaches a life lesson. I have learned how alcoholism affected me, why I let it, how I can learn to not allow it to affect new relationships, and how to relearn healthy relationships with people already in my life.

Through Al-Anon, I have learned patience, kindness, support and validation for me and for my wife who is alcoholic. It has taken time for me to learn about myself and to work on my character defects. I think that open mindedness is such a great thing. Given time and willingness to be open, a new perspective on life can evolve.

My recovery includes what I glean from 12-Step recovery in Al-Anon, combined with other sources of experience, strength, and hope. What I do is for my benefit. Recovery isn't dictated to me by another. I am free to take what I can use and leave the rest. I can honor my individuality. Those who are uncomfortable with my chosen path can deal with their own discomfort, for the lesson of tolerance and judgment is one that they must discover for themselves.

Let sleeping dogs lie

I slept in quite late for me this morning. It was warm and comfortable. And there was no real reason to get out of bed.

I had a late night call from a sponsee who was involved in an arguement with his drunk spouse. The 16 year old son who is autistic was not coping well with the situation and had run of the house to say that he was sleeping outside in the 24 degree temperature.

The sponsee called after his wife had passed out. He had talked his son into coming back inside. But he thought that perhaps he should call the police.

I asked him if things were now quiet and he said they were. So I said that my experience was to "let sleeping dogs lie", try to get some sleep and see what the morning brings.

I used to live with daily drama in which the only thing that was assured was a thousand apologies in the morning. I hate when children are involved. I know how much alcoholism can hurt. I pray for those still sick, suffering, and in pain from this disease.

Now, that I have written about this, I'm going to fix a good breakfast, have a cup of coffee, and read the paper. I told my wife this morning how grateful I am to have her in my life. Life looks okay for me today. How about you?

Only a thought away

I was back at work today and without the headache. There was a general staff meeting to talk about the budget crisis and alert staff to the fact that there will be jobs lost and furloughs to try to make up for cuts. The concern in the room was almost palpable.

The outlook is indeed dismal, especially for those who are just starting their career. I feel sorry for them because worrying about job security really decreases morale. And in a field that depends on originality of thought, lowered morale can be detrimental to getting grant funding. And yet that funding is important for keeping staff employed.

I could feel a sense of relief as I left the meeting because I won't be around to see the carnage. That struck me as a pretty selfish thought, but honestly I have been writing grants and keeping salaries going for so many years that I will be glad to be out of the rat race. Days like today make retirement seem very appealing.

After the meeting, I went to an Al-Anon meeting where there was a large group of people, including several newcomers. At the meeting I noticed that a friend was looking particularly stressed. So I rang him up later to find out that he and his wife were having some heavy marital problems. The decisions that they are making are not healthy in my opinion and will likely have some dire consequences. I was once again reminded how quickly God and the principles of the program go flying out the window while self-will, fear, and insecurity come stalking in.

While we don't pick up a drink, we are only a thought away from acting on our emotions and throwing away people in our lives who have meant so much. Such is the nature of how our disease works.

Living with alcoholism and addiction creates distorted views of ourselves and others. It's as if I am looking at reflections in a Fun House mirror. If I can identify the distortions and work on changing how I view people and the world, then I can develop a healthy sense of self and get beyond my dis-ease with those around me.

When the time is right

Yesterday, I had a killer headache and decided to take a sick leave day and just lie on the couch in front of a fire. I did some work on a report, read and commented on some blogs, and took a long nap.

It was nice to be home and to talk with my wife who rarely slows down. Most of the time, she is busy working on something--writing, reading, cooking, gardening, going to meetings, and so on. She seemed to be delighted that I was home.

There used to be a time that I would hear the clink of glasses in the kitchen and know that she wasn't measuring out spices for a recipe but instead measuring out wine for the daily anesthesia. The tension was always in my gut. Just as she would numb herself with wine, I would numb myself through self pity and sadness and try to energize myself through self-righteous anger.

We have both come a long way together. I think that in spite of all the terrible things that we have thought and said to each other, there is a lasting commitment. How does one explain that over the long haul, there is solidity in spite of all the things we have said and done?

I wonder sometimes if we have stayed together because we are hopeless co-dependents. Or perhaps we stayed together because the fear of leaving and change is overwhelming. But something tells me that there is a greater reason for being committed to this imperfect life together.

So maybe it's not about me, her or the fears about alcoholism and loss. Maybe this is about something bigger than both of us. I see this as another example of God's grace because surely many people would have called it quits after these many years.

We have chosen to commit to recovery and with recovery we have found renewed commitment for each other. And I think that the miracle is that we didn't commit to this course of action before we were ready. If we had merely tried, I don't believe that either of us would have gotten help.

Instead, the timing had to be right. There had to be enough misery, enough fear, enough resentment for me to be ready to listen, be willing, and surrender.

The timing had to be right for me to seek a Higher Power, to ask for guidance and to remove the blinders from my eyes.

The timing had to be right for me to recognize that there is a solution.

The timing had to be right for me to be ready to commit.

I'm just not willing

I have had quite a lot of drama lately with a sponsee. Without going into his story too much, just let's say that he is having some boundary issues. And the main issue is that he isn't respecting his boundaries. He makes a boundary, decides to toss it out and then cries foul when he gets a big plate of crap tossed back in his face from people that he is trying to control. He doesn't like the crap but can't seem to stop the behavior that leads to it being heaved his way.

And when the crap gets heaved at him, he decides to call me and moan on and on about how dreadful his life is, how sad and broken he is, how disrespected he is, and so on. I listen, make a few suggestions, get told that my suggestions aren't going to work because he is special and feels more deeply than most; that he is bipolar and that's a problem; that he doesn't want to be brainwashed by the program (he was in AA and NA but found those programs to be too restricting); and that he needs to follow his feelings wherever they take him.

So the other day after a particularly disturbing phone call where he said that he thought he might need to go to a psych ward, I told him that might not be a bad idea. I reminded him that I wasn't a therapist, guru, spiritual wizard, or Higher Power--instead, I am simply a person who has worked the steps and am willing to share with him how I did it, what happened as I worked the steps, and how I'm doing now.

I have decided that I don't want to be a part of the drama of sponsees. I am willing to listen but I also want to see some willingness on his part to do what is suggested. The Al-Anon books are pretty clear on the need for willingness in working the steps. And the Big Book of AA provides all anyone would need instructively on working the steps (even for Al-Anon although it isn't CAL for us).

I told him to call me when he was ready to get to work on the steps again. I know that I've got to set my own boundaries with this sponsee. I need a boundary in which I maintain my balance and not do for others what they and the God of their understanding can do for them. I want to be of service but not a crutch or substitute for someone's HP.

Happiness

I watched the PBS show Emotional Life last night. It covered a lot of issues around the subject of love, relationships and happiness. The host of the show, Daniel Gilbert, wrote a book on happiness entitled "Stumbling on Happiness." I haven't read the book but did glean a few points that were brought up last night.

The first was that to be happy, I need to be in a romantic relationship. The caveat to relationship happiness is that in married relationships, satisfaction ebbs over time. (Studies also show that for those divorced, the happiness factor declines markedly). So according to Mr. Gilbert, the day people get married, they're extremely satisfied with the relationship, and it goes downhill from there. That's because relationships take hard work which translates to raising a family, maintaining a household, etc. However, once the children are grown, it appears that happiness increases back to an initial level or close to it.

Even though children are a source of happiness, they tend to crowd out other things that used to make the couple happy. There is less time to do "couple like" things. Less time is spent going out with friends, making love, going on a "date", and relaxing. In short, many of the things that used to be sources of happiness are no longer there (Note: no distinction was made here about people who are in 12 step programs and how they scored on the happiness scale).

So if you're like me and don't have children, then that appears to be a plus. Or if you have children and they are on their own, then the happiness factor seems to be on the upswing. Another plus is that as one grows older, happiness tends to increase. So if my health holds out, research indicates that I will get happier over time. Whew, I'm glad about that.

I don't know if I learned anything really new from the program; however, the interactions of the couples shown clearly indicated to me that communication, trust, and shared activities were three very important attributes for staying emotionally happy.

I thought that I'd end the post with ten things that make me really happy:

• Doing an activity with the person I love that we both enjoy
  
• Going on vacation to an interesting place
• Reading a great book, preferably in front of a warm fire and lying on the couch
• Having a photograph turn out of something that I really wanted a photograph of
• Goofy dogs and warm cats that really like me
  
• A good joke
• Being around someone who has a great laugh and a sense of humor
• Getting something to work that is technologically difficult
  
• Eating a great meal at a restaurant
• Wearing clothes that are comfortable

I can relate

One of my favorite sea faring stories is about the great French solo sailor Bernard Moitessier. He perhaps is best known for his participation in the Golden Globe Race to circumnavigate the earth alone and non-stop. As he was on the last leg of the journey, having come around Cape Horn and its fearsome winds and waves, he decided to continue sailing rather than return to England where the race would end.

His decision to quit the race was largely due to his becoming comfortable with his solitude. Although driven and competitive, he did not want to return to the crowds, cameras, fame and a sailing trophy. Instead, he sailed on for three more months. Although he abandoned the race, Moitessier still circumnavigated the world, crossing his path off South Africa, and then sailing almost two-thirds of the way round a second time, all non-stop and mostly in the Roaring Forties.

I can relate to Bernard as today I feel like withdrawing. It is my first day back at work after a lovely few days of holiday. I actually don't want to deal with the onslaught of emails and meetings that are already being scheduled to fill up the week. But mostly, I received a sad shock that a colleague of mine died in an accident at his home on Dec. 31. He was an avid dog lover, a good sailor, and an exacting scientist.

So I can relate to sailing on and not getting back to the madding crowd. Thankfully, tonight I have my home group meeting. And thankfully, I can appreciate with full gratitude all that I do have in my life. No matter what may be happening around me, I can stop, say a prayer, regroup, and keep moving. I like the idea on the Just for Today prayer that "I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime." Amen to that.

You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time toward the open sea. It goes, that's all. Bernard Moitessier

Who I Am

Annette asked me in a comment on this blog, "Who are you?". At first I was wondering why she would ask this. Why would this matter? I had to smile when she mused that I might be a famous writer. Thanks Annette--I wish!

When I started this blog, my intent was to remain anonymous. I have gradually revealed more about myself than intended, but that is what happens with writing. Eventually, with nearly 1000 posts, the essence of the person comes out. But through my writing and all of you with whom I connect, I found myself engrossed in a way that was very personal. At the same time, I haven't wanted to know more than what you yourself choose to reveal.

I listen to personal stories at meetings. I remember that my first story told at a meeting was raw. And it was met with skepticism and some scorn. This hurt but made me realize that there are places and people with whom to be totally honest, and there are other people and places where it is safer to hold back. I believe that a blog that is read by many and is wide open to the world is a good place to practice the principles of anonymity and restraint.

I am most grateful to read all that each of you share. Your writings are filled with hope, inspiration, and courage. For many of us, writing is cathartic. It is a way for me to tell my story about what the program of Al-Anon has meant to me. Many times, I think that it isn't really important who the messenger is; instead, it is the message that is most important.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. Gestalt prayer

Reading

One of the presents I received for Christmas is a Kindle. And the first book that I downloaded was the Big Book of AA (2nd. edition). I did this reflexively. It was the only book that came into my head when I thought about downloading. Coincidence? I don't think so.

The Kindle is awesome. I have now downloaded 13 books and each takes about 30 seconds to download. I have tried the text to voice and like the woman's voice the best. There are a lot of free books available which is great. I still like regular books the best, but since it is 2010, I am willing to expand my horizons.

We had thought about going out on the boat yesterday. But the chilly rain made staying in seem like a good idea. So we went to lunch, watched the movies "Hangover" and "Shrink", took a nap, read from the Kindle, and went for a ride to the beach.

The movies were entertaining. "Shrink" was the best which showed how hopelessness can be changed into hope. It was inspiring. "Hangover" made me glad that I didn't wake up with a tiger in the bathroom, an unexplained baby in the closet, and married to a stranger after the party before getting married.

Today is cold and windy. We just had a good breakfast and later will go to a meeting. I feel happy and content. So I'll close with this:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." pg. 449 Alcoholics Anonymous

New Year's Day

First, Happy New Year to all. Whether you stayed up to ring in the new year or went to sleep at 10:30, I hope you had a good evening.

For the past two days I have been listening to a fifth step by a sponsee. The first day of his story left me feeling drained. I could feel the shadow person sitting near with all the dismal retrospective thinking coming out. I can identify with his story. Although the actions aren't the same, the thinking behind them was mine.







Yesterday, after a prayer to just let me be God's ears, I felt lighter as I listened. I didn't feel heavy in my heart. I believe that there is still unresolved stuff that was brought out as I listened. But I had a lot of compassion for him and for myself which made the dark less ominous.

I think that this fifth step experience reminded me once again that God is there no matter how dark the situation may seem or how troubling the story may be.