Saturday, February 27, 2010

My 12 steps before Al-Anon

1. I decided I could handle any emotional problems if other people would just quit trying to run my life.

2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself and anyone who says differently is insane.

3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God, who didn't understand me anyway.

4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I know, so they couldn't fool me and take advantage of my good nature.

5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their wrongs.

6. I became willing to help these people get rid of their defects of character.

7. I was humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.

8. I kept a list of all the people who had harmed me, and waited patiently for a chance to get even.

9. I got even with these people whenever possible except when to do so would get me into trouble.

10. I continue to take everyone's inventory and when they are wrong, which is most of the time, I promptly make them admit it.

11. Sought through the concentration of my willpower to get God, who didn't understand me anyhow, to see that my desires were best, and He ought to give me the power to carry them out.

12. Having maintained my emotional problems with these steps, I can thoroughly recommend them to others who don't want to lose their hard-earned status, but wish to be left alone to practice neurosis in everything they do for the rest of their days.

I am glad to have a different view of living today.

Here are a few photos from today:























Friday, February 26, 2010

Counterfeit people

I have met people before who even after extensive conversation left me wondering whether I knew any more about them than before I started. I was such a counterfeit person. I didn't want you to know the real me with all my pain.

I am aware much more than ever when I am faking it. Generally that comes out when I am around someone who sends off "beware signals". There is something that tells me to be on guard. Perhaps I am simply recognizing another counterfeiter.

I know also when I meet someone who is the real deal. There is an instant connection. I feel their calmness, peace and spirituality. I see this most frequently in meetings. It is the idea of attraction to their spirit rather than the self-promotion of the ego.

I have had similar feelings from those who blog. I can feel your sincerity. You are authentic in the emotions expressed by the words written. I can feel the happiness, the anxiety, the anger, the grief as if I were right there. I will certainly miss Scott whose Attitude of Gratitude is a blog that I have followed since my start here. His lists and quotes have been the real deal to me. Thank you.


Today I am heading up the Intracoastal Waterway for a three day weekend. It is breezy and chilly, but none of that matters because I am on the boat. I am authentic here. There is nothing forced, no one to impress. As I like to say when I get on the boat "I have already arrived" regardless of my destination.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thursday question

I am on my way to a meeting in Georgia. So today I am going to post a question for you to comment on.

Do you think that things are better or worse in society than they were 20 years ago?

For me, I see more deterioration in society today than 20 years ago. There is less emphasis on quality education, more emphasis on greed, a break down in the family unit, and population growth that is out of control.

On the positive side, there have been major technological, scientific, and medical advances. Increased communication has decreased isolation. Acceptance of different ethnic and religious groups has increased from 20 years ago. But this is the one area that I equivocate about.

So there you go. Let me have your thoughts.





Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Intellectualizing

I really like my Tuesday night meeting.  It is filled with all kinds of people at different levels of recovery and no recovery.  There are newcomers who cry, people who come but have no sponsor, others who have a lot of wisdom, and many double winners of which several violate the traditions.  The group is large and the room is filled to overflowing every Tuesday night.

Last night, I brought a fellow who had not gone to this meeting before.  He has been in Al-Anon for a number of years.  His impression of the group was that there was a lot of intellectualizing going on.  He stressed that Al-Anon is a spiritual program and isn't about the intellect.   

I know a lot about intellectualizing.  It's what I do as a scientist.  In recovery though, it means avoiding emotional and personal awareness of the problem of alcoholism by being general, analytical, or theoretical.  An example of this comes to mind in which one justifies not dealing with underlying feelings because their childhood was so bad. 

Al-Anon is a spiritual program which means that I have a relationship with my Higher Power that isn't intellectual.  I have faith and a belief.  I also have a gift from this program that allows me to put myself in the shoes of another.  And through this principled determination of compassion I put aside self-will, judgment, and a host of other character defects and enhance the capacity of my heart. Eventually, as I progress the head and heart will be in alignment. 

I cannot intellectualize my way to a spiritual experience.  It basically gets down to walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  I must act on my compassion, not just pray out of compassion.

I have a concern about intellectualizing this program.  I speak plainly with my sponsor, but often with people in every day life, I have difficulty transitioning between the truth of my heart and the gray matter in my head. 

I have read that surrender is not only a part of Step One but is also essential in Steps Two and Three. I want to surrender those defense mechanisms of the ego that keep me off the spiritual path.  What are your thoughts on intellectualizing recovery? 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The girl in the pink tutu

She looked ridiculous with the black tights, the pink tutu, the tight top and the knit cap pulled down over her black-rimmed eyes.  As she puffed on her cigarette, she gave little darting glances at the people standing around her.

She said later that she was 13 years old. Both of her parents were alcoholic, leaving her to fend for herself at a young age.  She relished the time alone because it meant that the house wasn't filled with yelling.  She would retreat into her own world.

Going to school was hard. No one understood her. She decided that the didn't fit in with others, except for a few of the wounded that hung out together.  This group of misfits who wore black, had long hair, smoked, and wore chains were the ones that she felt most comfortable around. 

She thought that she might be pregnant when she was twelve.  Her boyfriend was 17.  The older boys were the ones that she liked.  They had cars,  were exciting, and liked her. She had been sexually active for a while but at 13 having a baby was the last thing that she wanted. When her period finally came, she yelled with joy that she was bleeding from her vagina.  She kept saying this over and over in a sing song voice.

When her parents decided to sober up,  they got wise to her.  They noticed the defiance, the sullen looks, the smoking and the frantic texting from her phone.  It was as if they were seeing an alien.  She didn't look 13 but much older.  Her eyes were hard. They wondered where the little girl had gone.  

As she gripped the podium in the room full of people, she said that she was nervous.  Her self esteem was getting better because after all, she had worn a pink tutu today.

The wounds don't go away.  But I am learning where I am accepted and know that there are safe places and people who I can talk to.  I'm beginning to heal.  And the old feelings, the old wounded part of me, doesn't have as much power in my life any more.  I have friends now who had alcoholic parents too.  Growing up, the only emotion I ever saw freely expressed was my parents' rage.  Eventually, all I felt was rage as well, but  I raged without knowing why. 

Here everybody loves me, but that isn't based on whether or not they like me. I kept coming back to this 'lame' place because no matter who I was inside I felt accepted and that was a feeling I needed. This was a place that I was given permission to cry and wasn't judged for it. Because of this, I kept coming back. In the beginning I was lost, but now I feel better about myself. If I stop going, I will find myself back in the starting place and that is a bad situation. Alateen speaker

Monday, February 22, 2010

Dogged and worse

I talked with my sponsor this morning.  During the conversation I mentioned that one of the events at the Al-Anon convention was lead by a declared alcoholic who also happens to be a GR for a group that he started in the area.  He is energetic, enthusiastic and glad to be of service.  The conundrum is that he is also an active member of one of the open AA meetings that I attend.  I see him there when I go, have heard him declare himself an alcoholic, and see him as a GR at our district meeting.

I know, as does my sponsor, that the World Service manual is clear that alcoholics cannot start an Al-Anon meeting nor can they serve at the level of GR.  I've written about that before on here.  My sponsor sees no problem that someone with long-term sobriety would serve as a GR.  I disagree simply because I do believe that these are separate fellowships.  Once an alcoholic serves as GR,  regardless of how enthusiastic the person is, then a precedent is set in which others will do the same.  I know that we both have strong feelings in opposition here.

There is a district meeting coming up in March.  I am struggling with whether to bring this up as a topic under new business.  Perhaps it could be handled by copying information from the service manual and stressing that "double winners" don't serve in GR capacities.  But what if the alcoholic remains silent and decides to continue as GR and the "leader" for the group?  It is a question of how dogmatic I want to be and whether I want to push the point.

One part of me says "back off" because feelings will be hurt.  The other part of me believes so much in the traditions and in keeping Al-Anon at the level of GR and above for just Al-Anons. I go to open AA meetings and don't share, much less sign up for service. I have no problem at all with other service positions being fulfilled by "double winners". They may sponsor, serve as secretary, treasurer, work in outreach, and do a host of other service activities.  And alcoholics have the right to the same recovery that I have found in the Al-Anon fellowship.  The only requirement for membership is that they are affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend.

My father used to tell me that I always wanted to carry my point.  I wonder whether this is another example of the dogmatism that has served me well at achieving goals over the years. But hurting others due to a dogmatic attitude is a different thing.  I am going to pray about this and see what my inventory tells me.  Do I need to just say "how important is it?" or do I need to make it important?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Impressions from the convention


The theme of the state convention was Seeking a Balanced Life. I heard some excellent speakers.

The AA speaker Dick A. had a good message that was filled with humor. He spoke about doing God's will in the best way I can given the gifts I was given.

I thought about that quite a bit and decided that one of the gifts I can share will be to become certified as an Alateen sponsor. I could see that the behavior of the Alateens reflected the alcoholic household they grew up in. There are more Alateen meetings needed in our area. We have no children but perhaps there will be a way to extend a hand to those young people who, like me,were affected by someone else's drinking. It is a strong feeling that I have that God is directing me to help these troubled kids.

The convention was held at the beach. So I'll share a few other photos from this inspiring weekend.














Saturday, February 20, 2010

Redemption

We went to see the movie Crazy Heart this week. I had heard that it was good. It was.

I won't be a plot spoiler but let me say that it portrayed alcoholism in a way that I am familiar with. In fact, some of this movie churned my stomach in a way that made me say to myself "This is just a movie".

I thought this movie provided a great look at what is lost with alcoholism but what also can be found again through redemption. Isn't that what recovery is about in a way: how we can redeem ourselves through God's grace.

As an aside it was neat to hear the name of a well known AA founder mentioned during the movie. See if you pick up on that.

Have a good Saturday. I am at the state Al-Anon conference this weekend. More on that tomorrow.




Friday, February 19, 2010

More questions!!

Here are the second "set" of questions.  I did enjoy this.  Thanks again for asking and making my neurons fire. 

Here are the next questions with a link to who asked what::

10. GabiWhy did you stop reading and commenting on my blog?
This is a mea culpa because I had not meant to stop reading and commenting.  I use Google Reader and for some reason I thought that by following your blog, it would show up on my Reader. I have it checked to look at only the updates so when yours didn't show up, I thought erroneously that you weren't updating. Gabi,  I have since corrected that so that I am again reading and commenting on your blog.  I wish that I had more time to get around to all the blogs that I follow each day, but I just don't so I try to make it through them each week.  If I have overlooked someone's recovery blog by not reading or commenting, please let me know.  When I retire, I hope to have more time to read and absorb.   

11. Susan: Ok, as a writer do you have a routine?  No, I just write when I have time or feel motivated.

And as someone in AA= do you drink you coffee black or white ( with milk or half and half).
Well, I'm not in AA.  I'm  "pure" Al-Anon.  I do drink decaf  coffee with half and half. 

12, Judy: I have always wanted to visit Charleston and Savannah because I am a an art historian/history buff and like historic houses. Can you do this is one 2 week trip or is there too much to do in Charleston and environs to combine both. Would you advise doing Savannah and Beaufort as one trip and Charleston as another?
I think that you could cover Charleston and Savannah in two weeks.  Both are fascinating towns.  In Charleston, I would devote a day to the museums and a day for the plantations and a couple of days for the historic homes.  It would probably take another day to tour the churches and graveyards. And then if you visit a beach go to Sullivan's Island where you can tour Fort Moultrie.  Also a tour of Ft. Sumter would be recommended. All of that is about a week unless you have more stamina than I do and could do it in less time.

13. Marcia Do you think it's possible to live with an active alcoholic and live happily?  Al-Anon says that I can live happily whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.  However, my recovery is not at the point where I believe that I could live with a real alcoholic who is actively drinking.  It is a very tough road.  I could probably live with active drinking, but I know that I would not be happy and ultimately I would want to be away from the person.  I do believe that there is a mild form of PTSD that can occur after years of living with untreated alcoholism. I have been told that I have PTSD related to alcoholism.  

14. Kim A.: I was going to also ask what plans do you have for the next 50 years! Travel? Your own consulting business? Sail the world? All the above?
In 50 years, dear Kim, I think that I will be a little heap of ashes stuck in the ground of the family plot in Virginia.  I do have some dreams for the future which I wrote about in no. 4 on the previous post. 

15. Prayer Girl: Are you a speed reader?  Yes, it's something that I learned from so much reading in my work and in school.    

 16. Dave: On your retirement, how will "practicing these principles in all your affairs" take on a new meaning?  
It will mean that I have more time to devote to service work.  With working at my job, meetings and sponsees, there is little time for much else during the week.  I think that I will be better able to balance things out a bit and perhaps be of greater service when I retire.  What will be important though is for me to have balance in my life so that I don't take on too much when I retire.  If I do that, then I am not of much use to myself or others.

17. Erica: I want and need to go to an Al-Anon meeting (my boyfriend of over a year is a recovering alcoholic/addict) but I am having the hardest time making myself go to a meeting. What is your advice on overcoming my angst and going to my first one?
I like the old Nike ad of "just do it".  I was so sick and tired of feeling miserable that I trusted what a friend told me when he said that I needed to go to Al-Anon so that I would learn to feel peace and joy.  I believed him.  So I walked into the room and was met with greetings and made to feel special.  As a newcomer, you too will be made to feel special.  I can assure you that there will be others who will greet you and help guide you. If there is a beginner's meeting on the schedule, go to that.  They help explain the meeting format and give you a chance to share why you are there.  I heard my story many times when I first started in Al-Anon.  No one is unique when it comes to the effects of alcoholism. 

18. Shadow: I have often wondered why, even as a child, i would naturally keep quiet, hide what's wrong, not ask questions. and I still don't have an answer for that. do you? I believe that it was my early co-dependency which probably developed when I was very young.  There were "inferred" rules that I learned and these were my means of survival in a dysfunctional family situation.  I learned that it wasn't okay to talk about problems; to keep my feelings to myself; to be strong; to try to achieve perfection with my grades; to not think of myself; to do what I was told.  These things constrained the child in me and made me into a little adult.  But they also wreaked havoc on my self esteem. 

19. Pam : Are you and your wife coming to the International Convention and if so, are you going to find me and hug my neck? We aren't planning on coming. I guess we'll have to do that hug another time.

20. Kristen H.: As a child growing up in an alcoholic home, did you use to daydream/imagine what your adult life would be like? And now that you are an adult, does your life reflect those dreams at this point in time?
I would day dream some but mostly I just did my dreaming through reading books. They would take me where I wanted to go. I would have lots of adventures through books.  They were a refuge for me.  I knew as a child that I wanted to read and study.  I also said that I would never get married or have children.  I thought that marriage was boring and that having children would tie me down.  At this point, I would say that I have found refuge in books all of my life. I have excelled at things beyond what I imagined when it came to my career.  I have had hobbies at which I have excelled. I have had many adventures and done things that most people never get to do.  I still have dreams so I'm not done with dreaming by a long shot.  There is still much to be done. 

21. Scott W.: In an episode of Seinfeld George Costanza told a lady friend he was a marine biologist. Kramer had hit golf balls into the ocean earlier in the episode. As they were walking along the beach they came upon a crowd. Someone yelled "Is there a marine biologist in the crowd?  The question is, 'Was George Costanza acting as a Al Anon when he removed the golf ball from the whale's blow hole?'
No, he was acting as a horny male trying to score with the lady he was trying to impress. He wasn't acting out of compassion but was ruled by self will, selfishness and ego.  Besides any self-respecting Al-Anon marine mammologist would know that blowholes are covered by muscular flaps that provide a water tight seal that prevents water (and golf balls) from entering the blow holes when the whale surfaces to breathe. When whales come to the surface to breathe, air is expelled from the blowhole as condensation and appears like a cloud of mist.  Whales' blowholes differ according to the species. The larger the species, the larger the blowholes. Humpbacks have blowholes that are about 8-10 inches in diameter (they have two blowholes).

22. Jenn: Do you think you are the person you came here to be?  I think that I have always been the person that I came here to be.  It is all in my genes, encoded in my brain.  I simply had to learn how human I am and accept that.  And I had to learn a new awareness, the spiritual awareness, that has helped to awaken what was already within.  I had kept so much of myself hidden.  And yet it was there all along. 


 23.Susan: If you could talk to your father today, what would you tell him or ask him? I would tell him that I love him and that I am grateful for all the things that he taught me.  I would tell him that I am sorry for the times that I was filled with resentment and anger.  And I would ask if he would like to go out on the sailboat for the weekend--just the two of us.

24. Cheryl: How did you learn to recognize when your character defects are affecting your choices? I have learned to be aware of the feeling within that tells me to be aware and wary. I never used to listen to it. Instead I would barge ahead and ignore what the "gestalt" was telling me.  I know now the intuitive feeling is right most all the time.  I have so much more awareness now.  And when I feel that, I have learned to pause and assess.  It is like the Big Book says, "...we pause when agitated...".

25. Madison: If you have the boundary in your life of not living with an active alcoholic, what would you do the day you came home to find your wife drinking? I could feel some anxiety on this question.  I would first call her sponsor and ask that she and another AA member come to the house and talk to my wife. I would ask them to get her to a meeting or if she was bad off to detox or rehab.  I would request that she not return home until she picked up a white chip and resumed meetings.

26. Mary LA: As a recovery blogger could you name some of your guidelines for setting ethical and personal boundaries? 
My guidelines include honesty, fairness, respect and integrity. I like to treat people as I would want them to treat me.  I also strongly believe in my intuitive instincts and am aware of those intuitive "voices" within.  Some of the best guidelines that have helped me in my setting of ethical and personal boundaries come from the Al-Anon Traditions--mutual respect, humility, focusing on myself, accountability, compassion, equality, self-sufficiency, clarity, acceptance, selflessness.


27. Sarah: What is the single most important thing in al-anon that got you to serenity?  Understanding that I am truly powerless over other people and believing it. 

28. Tall Kay: If you could change one significant thing in your life right now, what would it be? And why? I would go back in time and have started going to Al-Anon meetings at a much younger age.  I believe that I would have understood myself much better, not been so hard on myself or on others had I gotten into recovery sooner.

29. Shuggr: Paper or plastic? Paper
White or wheat? Wheat
Mac or PC? Mac
Right or Left handed? Right
What kind/color is your car? BMW 330 ci in Monaco Blue metallic; Ford F150 pick up in red

Whew! You really had some great questions.  I enjoyed this a lot.  You made me think hard.  But I have to say that the question which made me scratch my head and then laugh out loud was Scott W's.  You win, Scott.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The first set of questions....and a few answers

You really put me through the paces with the questions asked.  I knew that there would be some interesting ones and I wasn't disappointed.  It was actually very enjoyable. So thanks for making me think hard. Here's the first group. 

Here are the questions with a link to who asked what::
1.  TechnobabeIf you had a chance to decide on a name instead of Global Warming, what would it be and how does the new name match your beliefs regarding this controversial issue?

I'll have to say that this is a topic that is highly volatile likely due to a misunderstanding of terms.  First off, global warming refers to the documented historical warming of the Earth's surface based upon worldwide temperature records that have been maintained by humans since the 1880s. A lot of people think that climate change is an interchangeable term but it isn't.  Climate change refers to any change in the state of the climate that can be identified by changes in the average or the variability of its properties such as temperature and precipitation that persists for an extended period, typically decades or longer.  

I read recently that the term global warming is one that has generated negativism in the general populace.  An alternative term has been proposed called "deteriorating atmosphere".  I think that use of this term is an apt description of what is occurring.  Regardless of the semantics of the name, the data from instruments both on land and in the ocean, as well as satellite imagery, show that during the past century, global surface temperatures have increased at a rate near 0.06°C/decade (0.11°F/decade),  but this trend has increased to a rate approximately 0.18°C/decade (0.32°F/decade) during the past 25 to 30 years. This has resulted in  record-low extent of Arctic sea ice extent which led to first recorded opening of the Canadian Northwest Passage. The Greenland glaciers have receded markedly.  So whatever one wishes to call the phenomenon, there are dramatic changes that have been observed over time which indicate a significant warming trend during the past half century in land-based temperature data and global ocean temperature measurements.

2. Ed G and Andrew.:  Can our marine environment really be sustained? It seems with population growth, climate change, overfishing, popularization of seafood dishes, etc. - we're just consuming an increasingly scarce resource and I feel hopeless about it's future. Can the corner be turned toward sustainability? How?

Wow, this is another "hot" topic for sure. I'll try to keep this short but suffice to say that books have been written on this.  I can best address sustainability of marine resources such as fishery species for which there are the most data.  Unfortunately, even for those species that are important to man, there are  inadequate data and imperfect models to define what a biologically “sustainable” fishery would look like.

There are several factors that contribute to collapse of marine resources and even entire ecosystems. There are exogenous factors (such as El Niño/La Niña) and the way in which a resource is managed. All this means is that there has to be a way to disentangle human impacts from natural variability in order to actually determine what is sustainable.

Human exploitation of the seas, together with environmental change, is affecting marine ecosystems at a pace that is challenging to scientists. Here are just some of the issues:
  • A decline of 90% of the population of many marine species has been documented.
  • Fisheries around the world are now in serious trouble; changes are needed quickly to reverse the decline of marine species.
  • Global fishing could be virtually wiped out by 2050 if drastic changes are not made in sustainable fishing practices.
  • Ocean ecosystems have reached a limit where humans are taking too much out while dumping too much waste into the oceans.
  • Invasive species have created a challenge and have become a large problem because of ballast water pumping
The stumbling blocks towards a solution are many. If a fishery is regulated, there are immediate law suits filed by fishers. If a development is denied, there are appeals.  Because scientific solutions can't keep up and are often hamstrung by politics, litigation, and funding, the sustainability of the marine ecosystem is in question.  I think that there is still hope if stringent regulations at the national and international level are adopted.  Some of these would include: increased no-take zones for fishery species; incentives (and perhaps mandates) for "green" building methods and developments with reduction in impervious surface such as parking lots, asphalt roofs, etc.; increased marine protected areas and sanctuaries; retrofitting coastal development with better methods to inhibit storm water run off; limited entry and catch quotas for fishers; reduction in nitrogen inputs that are mandated by law and many more.

If and this is a big if,  these and other measures could be implemented at the local, regional, national and international level, then there might be sustainability.  But one can immediately see the problem:  few people, even at the lowest level of government or an agency, can agree on anything.  So we are left to flounder and ask more questions and search for more answers while the situation worsens.  The clock is ticking towards midnight I'm afraid.


3. Sarcastic Bastard: Boxers or briefs? Briefs

4.  Clean and Crazy: I know you said you were going to retire from your job sometime soon, what big plans do you have? what is at the top of your bucket list?
My plans are to do more sailing, practice guitar more, read more books, paint and do serious photography, become fluent in German and French once again, write a book, and do work at some environmental NGO's.  The top of my bucket list would be to do a trans-Atlantic sail.  

5. Lou: How much of a threat to the Great Lakes is the Asian carp really?
Asian Carp are a significant threat to the Great Lakes because they are large, extremely prolific, and consume vast amounts of food. They can weigh up to 100 pounds, and can grow to a length of more than four feet. They are well-suited to the climate of the Great Lakes region, which is similar to their native Asian habitats.

It is likely that Asian carp will disrupt the food chain that supports native fish of the Great Lakes. Asian carps can consume 40 percent of their body weight in food daily. Great abundance of Asian carps will result in competition for food with native species including cisco, bloater, yellow perch, which are fed on by predator species including lake trout and walleye. In other waterways in the US where Asian carp are found, they have indeed out competed native fish. Their establishment in the Great Lakes could have a significant economic impact to the commercial and sport fisheries valued at more than $7 billion annually.So yes, this is a real threat that will be very problematic should the carp become firmly established in the Great Lakes.

6.TariYour father was an alcoholic, and you married an alcoholic, if I have your story right. Did you know she was an alcoholic before you married her? Did you ever pause and think maybe you didn't want to marry her (or maybe that you should leave) once you found out?

My father was a heavy drinker.  He never called himself an alcoholic so I can't either.  My wife was a heavy drinker when I first met her.She was usually passed out at a party or very drunk. I don't think that I thought of her as alcoholic but rather as "troubled".  I found her exciting, unconventional, and filled with pathos.  It seemed romantic at the time but now I realize, it was my co-dependency.  I had many ominous warnings before the marriage.  I thought the night before our marriage that this was a mistake. But I was committed to proceed.  It would have been unthinkable at the time to back out--not proper, too much guilt, too hard to explain, etc.

7. Jennifer and Gabi: My question is about the picture of the man at the top of this blog.  Is there a significant purpose to this specific photograph?
Yes, that is Syd Barrett who was one of the founding members of Pink Floyd. I dig their music. I can identify with Syd because he was a "lost soul swimming in a fish bowl" and because of the name. 

8.  Sherry: If you were on a plane that crashed and there were survivors, would you resort to cannibalism of the deceased to stay alive?  

It's easy to arm chair this and think that I would not do it.  But I have read the voyage of the whale ship Essex, the Donner party story, and other such tales of survival that resorted to cannabalism.  I do believe that the will to live is stronger than moral scruples. If push came to shove and there was no way to get food, no way at all for whatever reason, and I was isolated with a few fresh corpses available, I believe that I would do what I had to in order to survive. 

In the course of starvation, my body would break down and begin to consume itself.  It is a painful way to die from what I have read.  I believe that my reptile brain would take over and survival mode would begin.  However, if I were consuming other starved individuals, then much of their fat would be gone and essentially I would be consuming nearly pure protein (muscle).  Even though I might be able to survive for a short period, it is likely that I would also die from organ failure due to protein poisoning.  This would be a similar fate to that of the Greely Arctic Expedition in which so many members died because they ate only the lean flesh of those who had pre-deceased them.

9. GarnetWhy do you blog? Why do you keep on blogging? What's your vision for your blog? What do you like about it? What have you changed in the way you blog, over time? What parts of blogging do you still struggle with?


What do you like about reading other people's blogs? What don't you like? How do you approach commenting? What do you think about all the comments you get on your site?


You're a thoughtful writer, and your insights are both beautiful and wise. Do you write elsewhere? Do you think of taking this elsewhere? Where do you see your blogging going in 10 years? Where do you see all blogging going in 10 years?


Is your life as satisfying as it sounds on these blogs, or are you sharing only the best bits? How did you choose to study and work in the field you do? What or who turned you on to it? Are there different paths you considered along the way? If you could start again, what other fields of work might you consider? How are you considering occupying (or enjoying) your time in the next phase of life?

Wow, Garnet, I can tell that you are a physician.  I'll take these in order, even though I really only wanted one question not two dozen--LOL. 
Why do I blog? To express and learn more about myself and the thought processes of recovery.
Who do I keep blogging?  Committment
What is my vision for my blog?  None really--I just write about what may be on my mind that day.  Some days the well is dry.
What do I like about my blog or blogging? That I try to offer up solutions rather than just problems.
What have I changed in the way that I blog over time? I now have more solutions to offer.
What parts of blogging do I struggle with? Originality and humor
What do you like about reading other people's blogs? Their originality and humor
What don't you like? Really long posts that read like a dissertation; word verification; those damned embedded comment boxes that I can't read while in the office.
How do I approach commenting? I read what they write and hope that I can make a comment that is relevant.
What do I think about all the comments that I get on my site? I treasure what people have to say. Most of the comments make me think and that's a good thing.  I don't like the spam comments.
Do I write elsewhere?  Yes, for scientific publication.
Do I think of taking this elsewhere?  I think but perhaps won't.
Where do I see my blogging going in ten years?  I can't plan what's going to happen next week. It is one day at a time for me.
Where do I see all blogging going in ten years? I think that will still be around, but I think that the format will change. There will likely be video talk in real time (more Skype type stuff) and perhaps more emphasis on the shorter "twitter type" posts. Again, it's hard for me to think that far ahead.  Technology changes so much within 2-3 years.  Ten years is a long time in technological and communications progress.
Is my life as satisfying as it sounds on these blogs, or am I sharing only the best bits? It has its ups and downs. I think that my life is pretty even on average. I am not wildly careening from one mood to another. I pretty much share the straight stuff on my blog as long as anonymity isn't compromised.
How did I choose to study and work in the field I do? What or who turned me on to it? I grew up around the water so marine science seemed like a great fit for me.  My mother had me do science projects every summer so she was my mentor as a child.
Are there different paths you considered along the way? No, I knew in second grade that I wanted to be a scientist.
If you could start again, what other fields of work might you consider?  Being a therapist, an artist, a photographer, a merchant mariner. 
How are you considering occupying (or enjoying) your time in the next phase of life?  see No. 4 above.

I'm breaking up the questions and will finish them up in tomorrow's post.  At that time, the winning question will be announced.  Thanks....I'm whipped or whupped as they say down here.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Balancing is not an act

I was talking to my sponsor this morning about how calm and serene my life seems today.  There are moments when the old stuff tries to ooze back to the surface of my psyche, but all in all, I have little to get me off balance these days.  My sponsor says that is a sign of recovery.  I like to think that it is a sign of how recovery is helping to keep a balance within myself and with those around me. 

The calls do come in from those who are off balance.  I just received one from a man who attends some of my meetings.  He regularly reaches out to me to talk about his son who is an alcoholic.  The call a few minutes ago was from a frantic man whose 28 year old son came home drunk last night at 3 AM, broke glasses in the kitchen, and locked himself in the study with a decanter.

I asked the man how he was doing, already knowing the answer to that just from his voice.  He said that he didn't know whether to talk to his son or not this morning.  I asked him whether he knew much about boundaries.  And then said that one of my boundaries was not living with active alcoholic drinking.  We talked a bit more about having a boundary in which the son understands that he will not be welcome should he decide to come home drunk.

And then I suggested that the father go with me to an open AA speaker meeting at noon.  That would enable him to calm down; to hear an alcoholic's experience, strength and hope; and to talk more about what he thinks would be appropriate in terms of talking to his son and setting some boundaries.

I am grateful to be where I am today.  I am grateful that others feel comfortable reaching out to me.  I can take them to a meeting where they may hear something that will not only open their hearts but clear their head as well.  God seems to provide the balance in my life.  And today he is directing me to help another person who is teetering find a little balance too.
 

PS: Thanks for all the questions that I have received.   You guys have sent me some tough ones!  It's still not too late to ask a question. See yesterday's post about what's up with ??  I will be posting the questions and answers tomorrow.  So be as bizarre and original as you'd like.  That's part of the fun.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Questions and maybe some answers

I have been going through a bit of blogger block lately.  This happens when things are going along really well.  I'm not having any angst over stuff.  When that happens, it seems that I simply have little to write about.  I have lots of gratitude which is something that I think about every day.  But for today, I thought that I would do something different.

I have been blogging for over two years.  Maybe it's time to open up and answer any questions that you may have.  You can ask your own curious question here, and I'll answer it.  Maybe there is something that you have been wondering about when you've read my posts.  Maybe there is something about marine science that you've been dying to ask.  Maybe you want to know more about sailing, global warming, or any number of things.

So ask away! It will be fun (I think??) to see what questions you may have. There are over 200 people who follow this blog.  I use that term loosely because there are those of you who stop by regularly to see what's going on here.  There are those of you who stop by occasionally and then there are the "ghost readers" who I've not met.

To make this whole question and answer thing more interesting, I will have a "give away" for the best question asked.  I'll send you one of the photographs that I've posted on my blog, suitable for framing and signed, if you ask the most interesting question.  I may be very sorry that I did this, but let's just say that it seems like a good idea today.

So ask away.  I'll post the questions and answers on Thursday. The only caveat: I will be respecting Tradition Twelve in my answers. 

Now for some simple gratitudes today:
  • I'm grateful for easing back into my work week after a restful and happy long weekend.  I got plenty of sleep and lots of TLC.  
  • I'm grateful for the good people that are in my life.  There are so many people that I can call friends these days.  I know that they are there for me, should I need to pick up a phone and ask for help. 
  • I'm grateful for leading the beginner's meeting tonight, followed by the regular meeting which is filled to the brim with people.  Many of the actions from last week's group conscience will be put into practice tonight.  I appreciate seeing how the traditions have worked as we went about this process.
  • I'm grateful for my furry friends.  Seeing them enjoy the snow on Friday evening and play at doggy park yesterday was a happy time.  They truly are a great gift in my life.

Monday, February 15, 2010

What a dream I had

I had another of the anxiety dreams about alcohol last night.  It was about my father.  He has now been dead for over 25 years.  And yet, there are times that he comes back to visit me.  Seldom are these dreams happy.  That makes me sad because I know that he was such a good person.  It seems unfair that he only comes to me through these dreams that are unsettling. 

The dream last night was one in which he had stayed away for days.  My mother and I presumed that he was drinking.  He never did this in reality.  He would simply sip his bourbon on his days off, starting about 10 AM and be fairly drunk by dinner.  Then he would go to bed.  He was not a binge black out drunk.  Yet, in this dream, he is gone, and we are dreading his return. 

I tell my mother that it is time that she left him.  I suggest that she sell the house and move someplace else.  These dreams are so unsettling because my parents were married for over 50 years at the time of his death.  I don't think my mother ever thought about leaving my father who eventually quit drinking altogether as he got into his 60's.  But in this dream, she thinks that it is the best idea. She will sell everything and move away.

I know that these dreams are my anxieties surfacing.  They leave me feeling unsettled and disoriented when I awake.  But then I can reach over and hug my love who is lying next to me.  She drowsily asks me how I slept.  I tell her about the dream, and she says that it was just a dream.  I look at the slumbering dogs lying on the floor.  One is chasing something imaginary in her sleep.  Just like me.

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams. Jonas Salk

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day



Happy Valentine's Day to you. We are taking it easy today. I'll post some photos from the jammin' good time at the oyster roast tomorrow. There must have been every musician in the county there.

Unfortunately, I have a terrible headache this morning which makes it hard to think. I am hoping that a hot shower will clear my head.

I'll leave you with this thought:
The card I
wrote her will someday be read
by others who love.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

S'no more










The snow started about 8 PM and continued to fall until after midnight. This may not seem like a big deal to those of you who see snow every winter or who are now totally sick of it. But for this part of the coast, it is unusual. The last significant snow fall was in 1989.

So we were out in it. We had a snow ball fight, made a snow man, visited with friends and had breakfast at 1:30 AM. It was great fun.

I included some photos: Hair covered with snow softly falling; our greyhound asleep under my shirt after the power went out; and a tree weighted down by the heavy snow and ice.

Tonight is the oyster roast. The snow is rapidly melting. It will be cold but good weather for oysters. A group will be playing music which is always fun. Some of these people are really talented.

Now it's time for a nap. We were up way too late playing in the snow. Hope that you are having a good Saturday.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday meanderings

This is a long weekend for me.  Monday is President's Day which is a holiday. And today I decided to take a vacation day.  I am happy to have a few days off.  Here are some things that I'm thinking about today:
  • Sleeping in until 7 AM actually tastes good.  It has a taste like freshly made coffee, cinammon rolls, and freshly squeezed orange juice. 
  • I am wondering how many men have sought medical help for an erection lasting longer than four hours. I mean what is the doctor going to do? Really.
  • The weather forecast is calling for some snow here this evening.  I dread going to the grocery store because there will be a frantic run on survival foods such as pizza and beer.  I wonder how many flakes, if any, we will see.  When it rains hard here, the roads are crazy.  I can't wait to see what snow would do. 
  • I moved outside of my comfort zone to sign up at Twitter. I'm not sure what I'm doing with it but if you want to play, then click on the icon on the side bar and we'll tweet back and forth. How corny is that? 
  • There's a blues bash in town. I really like some good blues.  Hopefully, the threat of three snow flakes won't cancel the band tonight. 
  • I'm glad that I'm not holed up in a hotel in Washington, DC waiting on a flight out.  I actually got stuck there in February 2003 following a meeting and could not get out for 3 days. 
  • I have a valentine for my sweetheart.  If you don't have one, it might be time to get busy.  Those little ones that we gave each other in elementary school were really neat. I still have some that I got in first and second grade.  I wonder if they make them anymore. 
Happy Friday to everyone.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Integrity

Keeping the focus on me is a recurrent theme of the Al-Anon program.  Before I could keep the focus on me and not others in my life, I had to first understand who I was.

I think that working through the steps helped me to understand myself in ways that I never did before.  I came to know my character assets and my defects.  I learned what I valued in life rather what others told me to value. I learned what is acceptable and what isn't. I began to understand boundaries.  The Al-Anon program gives me tools to decide what my goals and values are, without someone else defining them for me. The Al-Anon program gives me the tools to help me make choices that are good for me, and teaches me how to stand by my decisions. This is all about developing integrity.

Integrity may be defined in several ways: It can mean:
1.  adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2.  the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.
3.  a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition


I am far from having these attributes in my life.  Every day I am reminded of my shortcomings in the areas of being undiminished, having a perfect condition, and adhering to moral and ethical principles.  But every day I also ask to do God's will.  And I ask that the character defects which keep me from a perfect condition and from being whole be removed.  God provides the moral compass by which I steer.

I know that integrity is essential in my commitment to this program of recovery.  I knew from many years of living with alcoholism that the alcoholics in my life were totally committed to their addiction.  That was the paradox of alcoholism.  They would resort to any means possible to drink and get away with it. They lived by "lie, deny and supply".  But I as the co-dependent also did not waver for years in my commitment to enable my wife.  I had a lot of integrity in that behavior towards others but very little in myself.  

Now, in recovery I have to apply the same fervor of integrity that I once had for the alcoholic. I need to honor myself and the promises that this program has for me.  I have to take my own inventory and realize that lies told to myself to rationalize and justify my shortcomings will not make me whole but keep me sick. 

I see this not only in myself but in sponsees who will resist going to meetings, taking on service work because "there isn't enough time to fit these into my schedule".  If I am honest with myself about the priorities in my life, then I will see that I can take time for my recovery because without it, other aspects of my life will truly suffer. The degree of integrity with myself can enhance my recovery in many ways.  



The following is a writing on integrity that Sula Lee at In-Laws with Money shared with me. I have had to read it many times to absorb all that it says. I thought that you might enjoy it.

The person of superior integrity does not insist upon his integrity;
For this reason, he has integrity.
The person of inferior integrity never loses sight of his integrity;
For this reason, he lacks integrity.


The person of superior integrity takes no action,
nor has he a purpose for acting.
The person of superior humanness takes action,
but has no purpose for acting.


The person of superior righteousness takes action,
and has a purpose for acting.
The person of superior etiquette takes action,
but others do not respond to him;
Whereupon he rolls up his sleeves
and coerces them.


Therefore,
When the Way is lost,
afterward comes integrity.
When integrity is lost,
afterward comes humanness
When humanness is lost,
afterward comes righteousness.
When righteousness is lost,
afterward comes etiquette.


Now,
Etiquette is the attenuation of trustworthiness,
and the source of disorder.
Foreknowledge is but the blossomy ornament of the Way,
and the source of ignorance.
For this reason,
The great man resides in substance,
not in attenuation.
He resides in fruitful reality,
not in blossomy ornament.


Therefore,
He rejects the one and adopts the other.


-Tao Te Ching 1 (38)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Turning the brain upside down

I am feeling particularly "unpostworthy" today.  It's not that I'm feeling bad or down on myself.  I just feel quiet, a bit tired, and not much like writing. 

But there is something that is on my mind so I will write about it.  I talked to my cousin's wife this morning.  My cousin, who I have written about before on this blog, has a brain tumor, glioblastoma multiforme Stage IV to be exact.  He and I grew up together, played together, and have remained close over the years.

The brain tumor was diagnosed not long after he retired.  He noticed his golf game was off one day and then in another week found out that he had the worst diagnosis that one could expect when it comes to brain tumors.  He underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy.  He has been on a lot of medications.  The upshot of it all is that he is alive, but his cognitive skills were compromised. He cannot walk without help, has rages that alternate with quiet, has difficulty reading and with forming sentences. 

His wife has become his savior.  She has taken care of him, watched over his therapy and care with great tenacity.  She has a spiritual side that is uncompromising.  I believe that without her energetic input his quality of life would be much less.  Perhaps he would not even be alive.

But she also says many things that I find to be strange.  She believes that dead neurosurgeons are living in his brain and are helping to cure him. This morning she told me that my cousin's mood had improved greatly since the dead surgeons took his brain, turned it upside down and shook it.  I resist rolling my eyes as I'm listening on the phone.  I keep quiet and listen but not without judgment.  I have to remind myself that he would likely be dead without her. 

And now her mother who is 92 has suffered a stroke.  She will be taking care of her as well when the mother gets out of the hospital today.  I do not believe that I would want to do all of this that she is doing.  I think that I would become a hostile martyr.  Perhaps this is just another example of my own selfishness. I know that I have great compassion for those who are caregivers for loved ones.  But knowing how much self-sacrifice is involved and how her every moment revolves around my cousin, and now her mother, seems totally stifling to me. I am awed by her unwavering commitment which I am afraid that I may not have.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Too many balls.....in the mouth and in the air

Lou at Subdural Flow invited us to post a photo that makes me smile. I have quite a few silly dog photos that always make me smile.  Here is a dog who has a lot of balls.  The nature of Labradors is such that they not only love their humans unconditionally, but they love having things in their mouths.  That may include tennis balls, frogs, squirrels, your hand, or any number of other things which they hold gently, even softly without damaging the critter. The animals are like children to us, and we love them. (And yes, we have dogs--actually several of them and three cats.)

Speaking of balls,  this seems to be the time of year when every one is juggling too many of them, and a few have come crashing down.  The rooms are filled with newcomers these days with about 3-4 at each meeting I attend. Maybe the holiday drinking has brought them to a point in which they realize that there is a problem--not just with the person who is drinking or using but with their behavior around them. Their world is falling apart.

Last night was no exception.  There was a new man at the meeting.  He was very angry and came in shouting and yelling.  His daughter, who is his qualifier, had taken his debit card and spent the money.  She is an adult, but the parents have done a lot of enabling of her over the years.  Now, he has come to the realization that he has been fooled, manipulated, and lied to.

That's a tough place to be.  Even though he was stuck in his own anger and misery,  I hope that he heard something that will resonate.  I have been where he was and stayed that way for many years. I am thankful that I learned about the solution through Al-Anon.

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends, and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. Bryan Dyson

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Aints don't really win

I'm not a football fan.  I've watched a few games but definitely prefer baseball and basketball. However, my attention was captured by the Superbowl this year because the Saints were playing.  Maybe it's the idea that a city could arise in some form from so much difficulty and pin their hopes on a football team.  Or maybe it was the fact that they were the underdog, often called the Aints.  I listened to the last quarter and smiled when I heard that those Aints were really winners, in a big way.

I don't think though in recovery that the Aints are going to win anything.  I can think of many situations where I was stuck in negative thinking and resistance. Just substitute ain't for "am not" in the following:

I am not going to do anything for you because you have done nothing for me.
I am not going to trust you because if I do, I'll be let down.
I am  not going to ask for what I want because I'll never get it anyway.
I am not going to go to a meeting today because I feel down.
I am not going to do service work because it takes too much time.
I am not going to work with others because who would want to hear what I have to say. 
And on and on and on....

I think that these are the Aints that drag me away from recovery and from any kind of spiritual presence in my life.  If I had been among the Aints in Al-Anon, I don't think that I would have progressed much but would have stayed stuck in my misery.  I am grateful for the willingness that I had.  I did what my sponsor asked me to do.  I latched on to the program.  I no longer seek to sabotage my life through negative thinking.

With my sponsees, I see those who are willing to do the work and those who have a case of the Aints.  I don't chase them.  They know where I am and how to get in touch.  I believe that God has a plan for them just as he does for me. 

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse....., you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more.........

If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us.
  pg. 95, Alcoholics Anonymous

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Simple things today

Chris over at Enchanted Oak offered a great "challenge".  For each one who posts a list, a poem, a paragraph about the simple things in life that you savor, her family will donate $2 to a medical clinic in Haiti, run by Heartline Ministries.  All you have to do is write something simple about things that are simple, include a link to her blog in your post and then leave a comment to tell her that you posted. 

So here are a few simple things that I am enjoying today:
  • Listening to the sound of rain on the deck of the boat.  
  • Hearing the gentle snoring of our dog as she sleeps soundly on her berth
  • Reading to each other from the Lois Wilson Story
  • The highly varnished sheen of the new binocular box that is mounted on the bulkhead of the boat
  • A simple omelet cooked on a camp stove and a first cup of coffee.  It tastes so good!
What are your simple things for this day?  Remember that the simple things can have a big impact in so many ways.  Thanks Chris for your generosity to help those in desperate need of even the most simple things.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Science stuff on a glass half full day

It's another rainy Friday here.  The rain is supposed to steadily increase throughout the evening with flash flood warnings out.  We decided to make it a boating weekend, regardless of the weather.  Tomorrow is supposed to be decent as is Sunday.  At least, we aren't getting the snow storm that is supposed to hit the mid-Atlantic.

The unusual amount of rainfall we have been having can be attribute to El Nino which is a climate pattern that began this year.  It is associated with floods, droughts, and other weather disturbances depending on the region of the world.  The temperature of the sea in the central and eastern Pacific region is above average which is bringing increased moisture across North America. The unusually warm sea surface temperatures in the western Pacific move east. That changes the heating pattern of the atmosphere, which in turn pulls the Pacific jet stream farther south. The interesting thing is that there will be below-average snowfall and above average temperatures through the central northern region of the US, excluding New England, while below-average temperatures are estimated for the south-central/eastern US.

I read letters to the editor almost every day saying that this has been a cold winter which is evidence that global warming isn't occurring. The cyclical pattern of El Nino has occurred for many years so even though there are colder temperatures in the South and more snowfall, the long-term trend in temperature indicates warming around the globe. However, it has been hypothesized that warmer global sea surface temperatures can enhance El Nino.  El Niños have been more frequent and intense in recent decades. There have been relatively more frequent and persistent El Niño episodes rather than the cool episodes called La Niñas. This behavior is highly unusual in the last 130 years. This is the strongest El Nino since the winter of 1997-98.

Anyway, when you are digging out this weekend or dodging a deluge, remember that this is a weather phenomenon that is cyclical.  Plus, it helps dampen the threat of hurricanes that are much more prevalent during La Nina years. 

My glass is half full today. I heard the spring peepers making their sweet sounds of spring last night as I drove home.  The freshwater wetland near the house is filled to the brim.  The cypress trees, the old snapping turtle, the bull frogs, and the snakes are enjoying having the wetland filled up. 

All the wetlands and their inhabitants in this state are rejoicing because the state Supreme Court dealt a smashing blow Monday to developers who have tried for years to overturn state rules that safeguard coastal freshwater wetlands from unchecked development.  If this had not been done,  potentially hundreds of thousands of acres of freshwater wetlands would have been open for development without state oversight. Chalk up a big one for the snapping turtles, frogs and friends. 

Hope that you are having a day of optimism too.  If you look closely, there might be something right there in front of you that makes your heart sing.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sex, intimacy and recovery--random stuff

  • Have you ever noticed how the sex part of the fourth step is mostly on page 69 of the Big Book? 
  • I wonder if Bill thought about that with the publishers and said, "Hey, we are not a glum lot so let's see if we can make 'em smile." 
  • I heard a Joe and Charlie Big Book study in which they pointed out that if you get mixed up and go to page 96 expecting to learn about sex, you will have a rude awakening. Hank of Indistinct reminded me of this in his comment. 
  • The "savory seasonings" part about sex in the Big Book makes me smile: " One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet."
  • Sleeping next to someone who is oozing booze from their pores isn't much fun.  Having sex with someone who is oozing booze from their pores is even less fun.
  • It takes a while to develop intimacy again after years of sleeping next to an alcoholic. But miracles do happen.
  • We have always slept together.  Even during the drinking days, I didn't sleep on the couch because I was afraid that my wife, who was a black out drinker, would fall down the steps or urinate in someplace other than the bathroom.
  • I don't mind when her hand reaches out to grab me in the night.  It used to make me turn over on my stomach and put my head under a pillow.  
  • I haven't found anyone yet, including myself, who didn't cringe a bit when the sex inventory part of Step Four was discussed.  
  • Sex is a gift from God and one of the most pleasurable gifts.  Yet, it has the capacity to make some of us unhappy and even crazy.  It's a paradox.  
  • I haven't been aware that Thirteenth Stepping occurs in Al-Anon.  Maybe I'm just naive but it appears that there isn't predatory behavior at meetings I attend. 
  • Holding hands and cuddling is an underrated dimension of real intimacy. 
  • It takes time for both parties to recover old feelings. Establishing good communication and trust is essential.  The other stuff...well...it comes in time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Thinking of others

One of the things that I hear a lot of alcoholics say is that they are selfish and think mostly about themselves.  And one of the things that I hear a lot of Al-Anons say, including me, is that we spent most of our time thinking about others instead of ourselves.  I think that this is the nature of co-dependency.

So the question then comes to mind: If one has spent most of a life time thinking about others, isn't that also a selfish act?  From what I understand now,  I was conditioned from a young age to think more about others.  I was told to not be selfish and to share.  That may have been okay when I was a child, but it set the stage for my dysfunctional behavior later in life.

I realize that by doing for others and thinking only of them,  I was actually being selfish.  I became wrapped up in self-pity and approval seeking.  I gave in hopes that others would love me.  I wanted others to think that I was doing for them, but I was actually more conscious of how I could get my emotional needs met by being around the other person. 

This is the sickness of co-dependency.  I had a need for acceptance and validation from others.  I can see after being in Al-Anon the selfishness of that behavior.  I know that some of those feelings of self-pity still surface.  But I can also say that most of what I do now is done because I want to freely give to someone else.  I truly care about other people and enjoy seeing their joy when I love without expectations.

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.

These days the good deeds that are done for people are done for sheer joy. I don't see anything wrong about doing a good deed for others. After all, isn't the important thing that a good deed was done?

I'd like to read your thoughts on how you achieve balance in your relationships when it comes to giving and thinking of others.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Photos and other things on Tuesday

I'm posting some photos from the oyster roast that I went to on Sunday.  
This is the plantation house on whose grounds the festival was held. You may recognize it from Gone With the Wind. 
 
Here is where the massive oyster cooking occurs.
She was one of the contestants in the oyster eating contest. She didn't win. 
  
All the shells get recycled to be used as new habitat for oysters,
  The shucked product ready to eat.
And there was even some elephant ears (guess who is eating this one?) and other great food for those who didn't want oysters. The local Restaurant Association prepares a lot of good stuff for this event.

This year there were about 11, 000 people at the festival.   And the proceeds go to help a number of local charities.  That's a really good thing.

I was still tired from the weekend. So after the conference, I went home which is located on an island next to the one where the conference was held.  I slept for 9 hours which was luxurious.  Today I feel much more rested. 

Tonight I'm going to a meeting and having dinner with a sponsee before the meeting.  We will continue our discussion on Step Four.  This step takes some time in Al-Anon.  He is working through the Step Four work book Blueprint for Progress. I can remember his fear when someone told him at a meeting that "It is too hard to write all that stuff down. These questions bring up things from the past that are just too painful." 

I assured him that it wasn't bad.  And that this inventory is for those of us who are entirely willing. The painful parts of the past are in our heads anyway, whether we write them down or not.  Writing out the answers to the questions is not meant to be a new Stephen King novel but will reveal those things which are already known to us.  This is a “fact-finding and fact-facing process.” (BB p64).

I found that this step helped me to unlock the memories that I wanted to forget.  By letting those old memories see the light of day, I saw that there was a new way to deal with things--without fear and without having to repeat the past.

In the book, Courage to Change there is a reference to Step 4 and self-esteem. Any resistance that I may have about this step (or any other) may be something that I need to examine.  I am thankful that my sponsees have been willing and courageous to move forward with this step.  It is not a novel that we are writing.  It is the truth about ourselves. 

Monday, February 1, 2010

Taking root

I'm at a conference today on invasive plant species.  A group of us organized this conference because of concerns over plants being brought in by garden centers that are non-native for this area.  We are trying to raise awareness among nursery managers, foresters, and land managers about the issue.  It is difficult to remove invasive species once they have established a foothold in the area.

I am glad to have gotten a good night's sleep last night, although once again I stayed up too late to read the newspaper.  It's going to be a rather long work week for me.  In addition to my work, I have two evening Al-Anon meetings, a couple of noon meetings, and three sponsee meetings. 

I saw one of my sponsees at the oyster roast yesterday. He was walking beside one of his children who was on a pony ride.  He looked happy and the child looked much less than serene on the back of a pony.  I can remember my first pony ride.  I was thrilled for the ride but as I was lifted to the back of the pony, the man burned my arm with a cigarette he had in his mouth.  I never made a sound because even at that young age, I was holding back my pain and not wanting to call attention to myself.  I still remember looking down at the burn spot on my arm, trying to stifle tears and still enjoy the pony ride.

It's amazing how much I stifled my feelings, being afraid that I would make someone angry.  I still have a lot of stoicism, but I am working on expressing my feelings more freely. It takes time to let those old behaviors go once they have taken root.  I am grateful that these memories, although painful, have helped raise my awareness.