Heart shaped charm

Years ago I gave her a silver bracelet with a heart-shaped charm on it. It wasn't a particularly expensive piece of jewelry, but she loved it and wore it every day.  And when I went to sea, she gave it to me to take along. 

I hung it up in my bunk and would look at it before I went to bed and when I got up in the morning. It dangled there and would sway back and forth with the motion of the ship.  The ship's motion was hypnotic and the motion of that heart was also hypnotic.  It would gently sway above me. 

I would return the heart to her every time I came home.  She would put it on with a smile, hooking the clasp at her wrist.

Then one afternoon we were on the sailboat and she had finished hanking on the jib.  It was raining so we were both hurrying to get back in the cabin.  She came inside, took off her wet jacket, and said "My heart is gone."  I wasn't sure what she was talking about but she pointed to her wrist. 

We searched forward on the boat and we looked in the cabin and berth.  No bracelet, no heart.  She took it in stride, saying that she was sure it was lost when she was hanking on the jib. She regretted having worn it on the boat.  We talked a bit about how it had been so many places with her and with me.  It didn't seem right that it would be lost over the side, settling down into the dark mud on the bottom, perhaps being investigated by a passing fish, and then finally silted over for eternity. 

A few days ago, I went down to the boat to check on things after a windy, rainy day.  I got inside and looked at the aft bilge and there sitting on a piece of canvas was a heart shaped charm bracelet.  It glinted even in the feeble light.  I called her as soon as it was found.  I had told her that I would give her another heart but she wanted the one that I held in my hand.  

Seven things

I forgot until today that I was supposed to list seven things about me last week.  It was one of the blog memes that has been going around.  I know that I have done this before; but because I am not feeling particularly original today, I am posting a few more things about me on this day:

1. My father was my driving instructor.  He taught me how to parallel park with exactitude.  I have amazed people by my ability to slip into a tight space (watch where your mind is going, okay?).

2. I am currently not eating any meat.  So that has put a severe cramp in my cooking style.  I wrote before  that I could subsist on soup, pizza, and chicken wings.  Now I'm subsisting on rice, vegetables, beans, and pizza.  I did this once before for 8 years. I have declared myself a pisco-ovo-lacto vegetarian.

3. I would rather not be at central stage so hearing in Al-Anon that I need to keep the focus on myself made me feel odd.  It seemed too selfish at the time.  Now I'm appreciating that keeping the focus on me means that I'm not obsessing over others and what they are doing.  I am simply minding my own business.

4. I have been feeling really good lately.  I don't have a lot of angst over anything in particular.  My blogging seems to suffer when I don't feel bad.  I feel like a free spirit who doesn't want to be tied down. I also wish that a lot of those who used to blog so regularly when I started would come back.  I miss hearing about their lives and their thoughts on recovery.  

5. I generally go to 3 Al-Anon meetings a week.  I like the diversity in the groups.  Last night was a good time as we randomly chose a defect and an asset; then we talked about each.  There were a lot of laughs. I remember thinking that laughing about alcoholism seemed impossible.  Now there is laughter at every meeting.

6. I grew up on Chesapeake Bay learning how to fish and crab.  My father taught me a lot about the water.  He was an officer on a passenger ship that sailed from New York to Brazil.  My uncle was the captain.  I have some great photos from those crazy Neptune parties when everyone got drunk and smeared themselves with rotten eggs.

7. I would like to fulfill a dream of doing a trans-Atlantic sail.  I am looking at some serious blue water boats.  I don't know if my partner wants to do this with me.  And I have a hard time imagining being on a long voyage with people I don't know very well. 


Hope that you are having a good day.  It is supposed to be 70 F here today.  It is delightful weather.

Ready on Monday

It's a beautiful day here.  The windy conditions that made us rock and roll most of the weekend have given way to flat calm. There isn't a ripple on the harbor. Once again, I long to be out there.  I could easily have stayed a week out, but it's Monday so that means I show up and am accountable at my job. 

I feel refreshed today, even though there were some sleep disturbances over the weekend due to swells that kept the boat rocking and rolling during the flood tide.  We would be jolted awake at 4 AM by the rollers and would hear sounds that made me think the boat would come apart.  Once the tide changed to ebb,  everything settled down and we would drop off to sleep about 7:30 AM.  There is a certain amount of faith that goes with having a boat. That isn't much different with living life which also requires faith. 

Last night we went to a sober anniversary party in which two fellows celebrated 20 and 30 years.  It was a good time.  I haven't gone to many AA parties, but I seem to have a great time whenever I go.  The stories that are told about DUI's and marriage breakups are followed by a lot of laughter.  I've thought that a good thing--to be able to laugh at the f**kups  of the past and realize that today doesn't have to be like that.  It feels as if I am in a group of people who absolutely insist on enjoying life.  I feel right at home. 

Tonight is my home group.  I have the topic which is going to be on character defects (and assets too).  I know that I have a host of defects that I have become more aware of through recovery.  Some of them I no longer cling to.  I have acknowledged them and brought them to the light.  I found that pretending I didn't have any faults around others was ridiculous.  It not only disgusted me but made me seem unreal to others.  So tonight I want to explore some of the more common character defects and balance them with out with the admirable parts of ourselves that don't often get the attention they need. It is all about balancing my shortcomings with the assets.  I am no longer ashamed of having character defects. They are part of who I am. 

In humility we possess self-esteem, accept ourselves as we are, assets and defects alike, and extend the same acceptance to others. Paths to Recovery, page 72

Movie about Lois

I received this via email from CBS and wanted to share with you.  

"We wanted to make you aware of  CBS's new Hallmark Hall of Fame Presentation about Lois Wilson, the co-founder of Al-Anon, entitled WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH: THE LOIS WILSON STORY.  We felt the content of the movie may be relevant and of interest to visitors to your site, and we encourage you to post information to help encourage viewership.   

The movie, starring Golden Globe Award winner and two-time Academy Award nominee Winona Ryder ("The Age of Innocence," "Little Women," "Star Trek") and Emmy Award and Golden Globe Award nominee Barry Pepper ("61*," "Seven Pounds," "Flags of Our Fathers"), is based on the biography of Lois Wilson by William G. Borchert, and will be broadcast Sunday, April 25 (9:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.  Spanning more than 30 years, this movie is based on the true story of the enduring but troubled love between Lois Wilson (Ryder), co-founder of Al-Anon, and her alcoholic husband Bill Wilson (Pepper), co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

A college-educated young woman from an affluent family, Lois Burnham spent her winters in New York and summers in Vermont, where she began her deliriously happy courtship with Bill Wilson, a slightly younger man of modest means.   She married Bill in 1918, and, after his return from duty at the end of WWI, the two set out to build a life together in New York City.  While Lois worked as an occupational therapist at Bellevue Hospital, Bill struggled to find his niche.  Lois strongly believed, however, that Bill was destined for greatness, and despite noticing an increase in his drinking habits, she showered him with love and support.  Eventually, Lois persuaded a friend's husband to hire Bill at his financial firm.   By 1927, Bill was a lucrative securities analyst on Wall Street and the couple was living a luxurious lifestyle.  Despite Lois' countless efforts to control his drinking, Bill's addiction to alcohol spiraled further out of control until his job, their lifestyle and dreams were gone.

In 1935, after years of unsuccessfully struggling to cover for Bill and manage his disease, Lois finally saw him take control of his alcoholism; however, his sobriety was not the result of Lois's help, rather it came through the support of a fellow recovering alcoholic, Dr. Bob Smith.  As Bill and Dr. Bob attained lasting sobriety and co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous, Lois began to question the value she had in her own marriage.  After devoting 17 years to healing her sick husband, Lois felt isolated and resentful that he was sober without her help.  Lois eventually discovered that she was not alone.  She slowly engaged the wives of the men in Bill's program and came to realize that while Bill was addicted to alcohol, she was addicted to him – and that the family and friends of alcoholics are, in some ways, as sick as their loved ones.  Lois gained the necessary understanding needed to repair her fractured relationship and to help millions of others do the same.   She co-founded Al-Anon in 1951."

I read the book When Love is Not Enough and found it to be a thorough and well-written biography of Lois and Bill.  There is a lot of information about their relationship, Bill's alcoholism, and the founding of AA and Al-Anon.  I'm glad that their story will be available to a large audience.  It may help more people to understand how alcoholism damages not only the alcoholic but those who live with alcoholism.

Wind and Waves

We had a good sail to the anchorage. The wind was from the west at 20 mph. So we sailed on a beam to broad reach, anchored and had a good dinner. Our food out here is nothing fancy. Last night we had soy burgers, brown gravy, mashed potatoes with minced onion and an Italian salad.

We read from Bernard Moitessier's sailing diary of his around the world adventure with his wife Francois. He is the French mystic who decided on a solo race to not return to the crowds and accolades in England. Instead he decided to leave the race and sail half way around the world again to Tahiti. I think that I understand his need to follow his heart and avoid civilization's expectations.

Early this morning we were awakened by the rocking and rolling of the boat. Rollers were coming in on the flood tide. We stayed awake as the boat heaved. The wing howled through the rigging and I had to bungee the halyard to a shroud to keep it from slapping.

After dropping off to sleep when the tide changed, we were rudely awakened by our faithful Labrador who was heaving up pieces of undigested chew from her after dinner treat. Those "urca gurkas" bring me instantly awake. After cleaning things up and washing up her blanket over the side, we then went about the business of fixing breakfast.






We have hearty stomachs and weren't deterred by a bit of dog sickness. (Apologies to those of you eating now). So we fixed a cheese omelet, had yogurt and toast, orange juice and coffee. After some reading, we will row to shore, build a fire, and relax on the beach.

Thanks for your comments yesterday. I do feel whole and happy today. I'm not in a pitying mood, not thinking about the future but enjoying the day. Even our dog is happy to have had her breakfast. She was napping in the cockpit, dreaming of chasing ghost crabs and checking her "pee-mail" on the beach.

Spring fever

I have a bad case of spring fever today. Yesterday it was in the mid 70's. My fever started then. I looked out the window at the view I have seen for all these working years. It is a million dollar view no doubt. And it made me yearn to be outside. It made me yearn to have an ignited spirit that this week has been struggling.

Here is the crux of the matter: I feel like I am an outsider at work. I am tending to isolate because I no longer feel part of the team. Colleagues are working on new projects and I am dumping my files off my computer to the server. My mental exodus has begun. And now I am starting the physical act of leaving behind my career of all these years.

I am not complaining because I knew from others who have already left, including C., that we outstay our usefulness at the end. Still it is painful. I would like to be a part of but am feeling left out. It is a familiar feeling that I have had before during times in life. Yet I am the one who withdraws and isolates. I feel in between so I freeze. Perhaps I need a mental health day.

So I am doing that today. I took a day of personal leave to regroup my spirit. I am hoping that will help me to go back on Monday with a goal to be of maximum usefulness to others--at work and in my life in general.

I know that this is a gloomy post. But an amazing transformation occurs when I am on the boat. Maybe that tells me everything I need to know in a simple sentence.

The fellowship is a safe place?

We hear that the rooms of Al-Anon are a safe place.  I certainly have felt comfortable to share my story at these meetings.  But there are situations that may arise in which a spouse or relative is "stalked" by an alcoholic who comes to the meeting. 

I have read that if a wet drunk shows up at an AA meeting, that person is helped by a couple of the members.  I can't find anything about what to do if an intoxicated person shows up at an Al-Anon meeting.  I would like to think that this is a rare occurrence but with individuals who are separating from the alcoholic, such a situation could indeed arise and in fact has occurred recently.  

The first thought that came to mind was that a couple of men who were there could see if the "new" man would like to go talk in a separate area.  Or perhaps a couple of the women could take the crying spouse to another room.  This presents a potentially explosive situation though.   Maybe the best course is to ask the intoxicated person to leave and if they don't, then call the police.  I was wondering what the thoughts are of those who have experienced this.

The thought that someone would feel unsafe at an Al-Anon meeting hasn't crossed my mind until now.  Most of us believe in "Live and Let Live" and aren't too comfortable dealing with potentially unsafe situations at a meeting. However, Tradition One states that "our common welfare should come first".  Al-Anon needs to be a safe place for people who are troubled by someone else's drinking. 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.  It is a subject that will likely be brought up at a future group conscience meeting.

Cunning, baffling and powerful

There are some days that I wake up and feel a lot of joy.  That's probably most of the time.  Then there are those days that I wake up and feel sorry for myself, feel frustrated, or sad. Today I am leaning towards frustration and anger.  I am frustrated and angry at alcoholism.

In Al-Anon, we say that we love the person but hate the disease.  Today I'm hating the disease.  I realize that no matter how much I would like to undo my wife's alcoholism, she will always be an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do to change that.  The leopard was born with spots and will still have those spots until death. 

I hate that alcoholism is a unique disease that tells a person they don't have a disease at all, they don't need help and that just one drink won't make their life unmanagable.  The alcoholic's mental obsession with alcohol is subtle. Even after the sobriety comes,  the manifestations of alcoholism can still be present.  Yet, from reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcoholism “is an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” And in “The Doctor’s Opinion” introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous,  Dr. Silkworth writes that: ". . . the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It does not satisfy us to be told that we cannot control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

I see my sweet C. as she bakes cookies, does her gardening, smiles at me as we get into bed, snuggles against me.  I see this and want her to be "normal"-- whatever the hell that is.  And my adverse reaction to the disease made me fearful, obsessed, controlling and resentful.  I was exhibiting all the effects of alcoholism without taking a single drink!

I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots".  And I have to focus on taking care of what needs to be done to keep me in a good place emotionally and spiritually.  I have recovered my balance, mind, body and spirit by focusing on my own recovery in Al-Anon.  And just writing this out today has gotten me to a better place.

Bad head

I have a bad sinus headache today which makes it hard to think and hard to write.  So I'm going to make this brief.  Here are my "randoms" for today:

• I went to my home group meeting last night. This little group that used to be four regulars has now grown to 13 people.  We meet far out in the country.  It is a beautiful drive. We now have a bathroom and kitchen at the new location so maybe we are attracting people because of that. 
• Our topic last night was on control.  I know that one really well.  It never got me anywhere but to the state of misery.  I feel a great deal of freedom from not having to live someone else's life as well as my own. 
• I took a Sudafed for sinus and hope that this headache will be gone so I can get into work later.  I seem to be more susceptible to changes in weather than I used to be. Plus, it's pollen season here so that may explain why I felt great last night and woke up with a pounding head this AM.
• I made some calls to work this morning to let them know I was sick and to speak with the IT person.  I  will start dumping files from my computer this week onto the main server.  I am starting to clear out my computer from all these years. It is feeling good to me, like I am divesting myself of a burden.  Maybe I am just liking the idea of being free of a schedule.  More inventory is needed on this. 
• I'm glad that I didn't take the bait on discussions about health care reform yesterday.  Feelings were running amok.  I like the idea that people can express opinions, and that I can choose to listen and not push to win an argument.  
• I'm going back to bed.  Later....

Realizations

I am starting off the first of the week with a sleep deficit. C and I stayed up way too late last night watching the voting in the House on health care reform.  Today I was somehow thinking that the bitterness and backbiting would be over. I am an optimist and a bit naive.  But like so many things that I have no control over,  I am choosing not to participate in debates, arguments, and vituperative discussions about any of this.

C enjoyed her birthday.  We had a nice dinner with her parents.  Her mother is doing okay but is still in some pain.  I don't like to see the decline in their health.  I know that it worries my wife, although she doesn't talk much about it.  She carries them to their doctor's appointments, although her father still drives.  It makes me sad that she will have to face the heartache of losing one or both of them.  I don't want her to feel that pain.  But there is nothing that I can do to ease it for her, other than just be there.

I know after reading your blogs that our decision not to have children was for the best.  I would find it difficult to cope with the pain of having an alcoholic or addicted child.  I can feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach as I read about relapses, tensions, rehab, prison, panhandling and all the other stuff that goes along with addiction.

We both realized years ago that we weren't ready to be parents.  We wanted careers.  The years added up and then we realized that things were too messed up due to alcoholism to have children.  After that, it was too late.  I don't have any regrets about the decisions.  A child is not a panacea for problems. 

I don't have to make the tough decisions at the moment that many of you are facing.  I have been thinking about teak decks, cutter versus sloop rigs, and a host of things that have to do with pleasurable pursuits.  I don't feel guilty but mindful that there is minimal chaos in my life today.  Tomorrow all Hell may break loose, but today I am in a good place.  I wish that for each of you also.

March 21

It appears that history is in the making today for this country. It is also the beginning of spring and the birthday of my sweet wife. A lot of things converging at once.

Although it is cloudy with rain forecast, the birds are chirping. We had a glorious day yesterday doing some work on the boat. I looked at a 42 ft Cheoy Lee that is down the dock from me and will be for sale soon. I am giving some thought to purchasing it. There is much to consider.

But today I'm not going to think about that. There are other more important things to consider.

We watched the majority whip talk about the current votes. I saw news clips of people spitting on law makers, obscene names being shouted out. I don't understand the insanity of such behavior. What are we so afraid of? I heard talk of Armageddon. The breakdown of society and division between the haves and havenots seems to be a more likely contributor to the end of the world than health care reform.



We are going to C's parents tonight. Her mother had a bad fall on Friday evening, hitting her head on a marble topped table. She also cracked a rib. She is sore and on pain meds but is at home. I have seen her become more frail recently. The parents are now 89. I hope that they will stay well. Their insurance is good. They can afford it. I wonder though about so many others who aren't so fortunate.

We are going to go for a drive to do some photography before the rains come. I am so glad that C. was born. Happy birthday Sweetheart.

Just in case you have to do this someday....

I once got snagged by a fish hook in my arm. Nothing as dramatic as this occurred. I had to poke the hook through with plyers and then cut off the barbs to remove the hook. Amazngly, it did't hurt!

I'm not fishing for anything today. Have a hook free Saturday!

Random Friday

I'm in bullet mode today.  So here they are:

•  I stayed awake all through dinner. Somehow I was revived by the good food.  Here's a rundown on the meal: grilled calimari with shaved parmigiano Reggiano and grilled Bruschetta; local vine ripe beefsteak tomato, mozzarella and sliced Prosciutto di Parma with a balsamic drizzle and herb infused olive oil; veal parmigiana with spagattini in marinara;  lasagna layered with grilled vegetables and butternut squash. I am thankful for the $25 coupon from Restaurant.com.  It paid for the appetizer. 
• My wife enjoyed the meal and the ambiance--an historic house downtown with candles, heart pine floors, crisp white napkins and table cloth, impeccable service, and blues music playing. 
• I checked and I didn't leave my arm in the trunk of Steve's car.  WTF was that about? Steve, man, you got the wrong guy.
• A fellow who had some problems got fired from work. He wasn't doing his work so was let go. At the department head meeting this morning, people clapped because he was fired. I didn't. I don't like to clap for another's misery. 
• I wonder why Sandra Bullock married a man named Jesse James. Seems like bad karma to me. 
• I put together some information on cooperation between Al-Anon and AA for the district meeting tomorrow.  It told me that there is a line between the fellowships when it comes to being a trusted servant above the group level. 
• I will do the certification to be an Alateen sponsor tomorrow.  Where God takes it from there is not known to me today.  
• I'm doing some boat maintenance tomorrow.  It's supposed to be 74 here. I can be spoiled by that. 
• C. opened her birthday gifts this morning.  I made her a card.  It just seems more personal that way. She also got a card from the dogs and cats.

Enjoy your Friday.

A Thursday question

I feel like this needs to be Friday.  I am really tired.  Once again, I have had too many late nights--mostly due to meetings, although last night was a dinner out and some lively conversation instead of rowing.  Tonight I am taking my wife out to a nice place downtown for a pre-birthday dinner.  Her natal day is Sunday so we will have dinner with her parents that evening.  But tonight is our dinner together at a special restaurant.  Hopefully, I'll be able to stay awake through the main course!

I had a good conversation this morning with my sponsor who stays busy in his retirement.  I seem to never stop and was complaining that in retirement one can decide when (or whether) to get up, shower, and leave the house.  But when my alarm rings at 5: 15 AM, I can hit the snooze button a couple of times, after which I'd better get up and get going. The work world calls!

And then there is the time spent on recovery "work". I think that in truth my recovery work takes a lot of time.  I spend 5 hours a week minimum with sponsees, another 3-4 hours a week in meetings, not counting the driving time to and from.  But I consider that this time is the most well spent of my week.  What I'm thinking about are the time sinks that add up during a week.  It’s that sucking sound I hear--of the sands of time, the ticking clock, and the blurting alarm in the morning.  So here's the question:

What was this week’s biggest time sink for you?

For me, it has to be reading and commenting on blogs.  Even with speed reading, it still takes several hours a week to get through the blogs that I like to read and make comments. Even if someone doesn't comment on mine, I like to read theirs. But it definitely takes time.  Oh, and sleeping is another time sink-- but a necessary one!

Are you feeling lucky today?

I saw on the news last night that a man walking along a beach on Hilton Head Island was struck and killed by a plane that made an emergency landing on the beach.  He left behind a wife and two children. My first thought was how sad and my next thought was what crappy luck.  Here you are, walking along a beach on vacation, and the next thing, your life is ended by a plane that hits you.

I also thought about my principal from elementary school who lived on a farm.  He would walk down his long lane each day to get the newspaper. One morning he took that walk to his mailbox and was hit by a car that ran off the road.  In both these circumstances I wonder was this luck, destiny or coincidence.  If either of these people had been delayed by a minute, their lives would have been spared.  What if the man on the beach had stopped to gaze at the ocean or look at a shell?  What if my principal had stopped to look over his farm fields or gaze at a wild flower as he walked his lane that fateful day?

I have heard people say that they believe in destiny and that luck has nothing to do with it.  My father would often say, "when your number is up, then it's your time to go."  I wondered about that.  I tried to imagine God sitting with the Big Book Keeper in the sky, going over names and saying, "Well, it's time for Syd to go. His number is up."  It just didn't make much sense to me then and it still doesn't. 

Maybe luck as destiny is the reason that some people don't seem to care about how recklessly they live life. They are the roulette players in life.  Nothing matters because it is all about fate. 

I am not one who believes in destiny.  I think that I have a brain, a heart and a conscience for a reason.  I think that I have choices that can influence my lot in life.  I realize that God does have a plan.  But I don't think that plan is arbitrary and capricious.  God has me here for a reason.  If I totally believed in luck and destiny, then nothing I did would change a thing. 

I think that living life on luck would lessen my purpose here.  If it all comes down to fate, luck and destiny, then why would I even want to live a life of purpose? On the other hand, I realize that much of the control that I have is really about my choices.  I can shape what is to come by the choices that I make. I also have faith that all will be okay this day as I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.  The faith that I have enables me to get through many things in a day that used to cause me to stumble, feel frustrated, and thwarted by fate. 

So yes, I do feel a bit lucky today to be enjoying life and not waiting for the plane to fall from the sky.  I'm going to stop and gaze at the ocean, pick up a shell, take a walk down a long lane, and row with the team tonight without any thought of destiny and fate. I am a lucky fellow! 

A man named Joseph

He was standing in a near stupor where I generally park my car.  This is the section of town that hasn't been gentrified.  It is the area where the poor, addicted, and homeless people hang out.  On this day I was going to an open AA meeting next to a homeless shelter.

It was hard to tell his age.  He looked old and used up to me. His eyes were blood shot, his clothes were worn.  He shuffled over to me when I got out of my car.  He asked me in a raspy voice, "Hey there, could you give me some money for a cup of coffee and some food.  I'm hungry."  Something told me that if I gave him money, it wasn't going to go for food.  I thought it likely that he would head for the grocery store around the corner and buy a bottle of whatever he reeked of as he stood there looking at me expectantly.

I asked him what his name was.  He said, "Name's Joseph."  A biblical name, after the man who descended from King David and who was the earthly father of Jesus.  I told Joseph my name and asked if he wanted to go have a cup of coffee with me.  He nodded and began to follow me.  I told him that I was going to a meeting around the corner and that maybe he would like to go with me.  There were some nice people there, lots of coffee, and some cookies.  He kept following me.

So the two of us, strangers until a few minutes ago, walked along together.  We didn't have much of a conversation.  Joseph said that he hadn't eaten in a while.  He said that I was "mighty nice" to take him to this meeting where there was coffee and cookies.  I was thinking that I was pulling a fast one on Joseph and starting to wonder what the hell I was doing.

We were at the meeting just as the coffee was brewing.  The cookies were out on the counter.  I told Joseph to get some cookies, have a seat and that I'd get his coffee when it was ready.  We sat next to each other.  He said, "Dis here is a nice place". After I got his coffee,  I asked Joseph if he would like to stay for the meeting.  He mumbled that he would stay.

As people filed in and took their seat,  Joseph looked warily around.  This is not an uptown meeting. It is filled with a mixture of all types, some in suits, most in jeans, some down and out. It is raw and real. I thought that maybe Joseph could relate. I know that I did.

I guess that I was hoping for a miracle to happen.  The Al-Anon in me wanted Joseph to see "the light" and get the message.  I had not fully understood at the time that surrender isn't mine to bestow on anyone.  It's not like the free coffee and cookies.

Midway through the meeting, Joseph got up without even a glance at me and shuffled out the door into the cold winter day.  I never saw him again.

Thanks to Chris for prodding my memory of this brief encounter.

Dependency

I was talking to a friend this morning who is at last breaking away from a relationship that has left him feeling insecure, unhappy, and bitter.  He thinks that he has lost the ability to trust another because of being with a person who has proven to be untrustworthy.  He admitted that he had continued in this relationship out of a sense of loyalty.

I truly understand what he is doing.  I too have stayed in a relationship that was bad for me, and I stayed out of loyalty and some kind of hope that things would get better.  Now things are much better, and I'm glad that I stuck around.  But I also wonder about the cost that it took on me.

As long as I was not in a relationship,  I was happy with who I was and what I did.  I remember in high school that I fell head over heels for this brainy, attractive, exciting girl. We had a great time for over a year, until she started going out with another fellow. The pain of loss during the break up was like a death. It was a time of grieving.  But eventually I was able to move on.  But as soon as I would become involved with someone again, I would start looking critically at myself, become anxious, and essentially begin to push the person that I loved away because of my fear of being hurt.

Irish at Recovery Archive had the following to say about dependency in her post today: I am only free of my dependency to the extent that I am able to see my own irrational clinging to people places and things, (various conditions) in a deluded attempt to pin reality down to a controllable form.  Because I am powerless over people places and things, this attempt to control people and places and things leads only to suffering.

So often the frightening part of letting go of control is not about what happens to others but what will happen to me.  I used to think that it would mean that I failed in a relationship because I couldn't "fix" another, and that if I were to let go of control, things would fall apart.  Maybe these are similar fears that alcoholics feel when they have to give up booze. I have heard all kinds of excuses from others and from me about why I wouldn't give up on another. Isn't that an addiction of sorts?

In the end it comes down to choices of whether I want to live an authentic life or one that is predicated on fear of loss. Today, I can see how far I've come in understanding that I don't need to control in order to relate to others. Now I am seeing after being in a long-term relationship that we have to work on it--it is like the care and feeding of fragile plant.  It has to be tended and the weeds pulled in order to grow.  What is my idea of being in a healthy relationship?  I think it means that we encourage each other, we care for each other but have a balance in which we maintain independence too, we speak kindly to each other without sarcasm and anger, we help each other out, we are intertwined gently with gossamer and not chains.

Express from God

"Spring is the Period Express from God." Emily Dickinson

I am grateful today for the things that I have. I am imagining on this day when the pear trees and daffodils are blooming that I want all the things that I already have. What would it be like to not want another thing?

I can tell you that I have learned that few of the things that I buy have brought me serenity. The exception has been the boat. It too has been a serenity breaker at times though. Painting the hull, getting it wired for lights, taking down the mast, having multiple cluster f**ks with the rigging--these have sorely tried me. But the boat is like the "fort" I wrote about yesterday. I can think of few other "things" that make me that happy.



I think that I basically have all the things that I want. I am blessed with love, good health, a home, friends both furry and human, and a concious contact with God. All of those are more than enough today.

Saturday question

It's a glorious Saturday here. I don't feel like thinking about anything heavy today. So I thought that I would ask what is your favorite thing to do on Saturday that has carried over from childhood.


There is still a lot of kid in me so I have to say that I most enjoy being outside. Whether I am on the boat, going for a walk on the beach or in the woods, I enjoy an outside activity of some kind. I used to play in a wood fort that I built from tree limbs. Now I guess the boat is my "fort".

How about you? What is your Saturday memory that you still live today?

I'm too tired...blah, blah, blah and other excuses

I am having my fifth sponsee meeting of the week today.  It has been a week of work, a week of not feeling well, a week of late nights due to evening meetings.  I could go on but feel that I don't need to explain more to you because I'm sure that you are also running to catch up.

I know that I have extraordinary energy and stamina.  I can be robotic in my ability to work long hours.  And I've added to that the extra time that I spend with Al-Anon meetings and sponsees.  And this brings me to an observation: It seems that I am putting my heart and soul into recovery, yet it seems that there are so few of us at meetings I attend that are willing to sponsor, to become GR's, to do service work. 

Ed summed it up nicely in his great post about sponsorship . He said:
"It's puzzling to me why so few people get engaged in some level of AA service.  I heard my wife (also in AA) make a statement today that "...It used to be that you took your AA service commitments very seriously and, as a part of that, you learned to take yourself less seriously.  Today the sentiment largely seems to be that I have to take myself seriously and that the only service I will do is what's fun and easy for me."

The fun and easy part may well be the real issue.  Service work can be time-consuming and tiring work.  I know at the GR level, I see that personalities can clash and disagreements can occur.  There are hurt feelings sometimes. Maybe that is the reason that it is hard to fill positions and that resentments can start to rise when few new individuals step up to help out.

Nonetheless, I tell my sponsees to get into service, give it away in order to keep it. Some get it and some don't. I hear a lot of excuses: I'm too tired, that meeting is too far away, I'm still new--I'm sure that you have hear these and more. I have to resist the eye roll when I hear some of these "reasons" to not get more involved.

For me, service has helped my recovery.  I believed my sponsor when he told me to become involved.  And from working with others, doing jobs at the district level, I have learned so much more about my higher power and myself. I have grown spiritually through doing things that used to bring out my shortcomings of impatience and judgmentalism.

I've learned that I can sacrifice my feeling of how things should go in order to serve the group and maintain unity.  I have kept my mouth shut when I wanted to set people straight. I have practiced humility when I felt I knew a better way. I have paused when agitated.   Essentially,  I have been shown chances to put my will second to something greater than me, and the internal rewards have been well worth it.

Although it may take me a few 24 hours and a lot of prayer, I am grateful for the people who irritate, try to control, or stick their shortcomings right in my face. I have learned through them to do things that I don't want to do and to not do things that I may want to do.

Hope that you enjoy this day.  It is Friday which is all right by me.

Outcasts

I am feeling a bit like the stuffed animal in the photo.  I am tired for one thing and that leads me to some places in my head where I'd rather not go.  I don't feel energetic, have a headache, and know that the bug I picked up last week is still incubating in my body.

I have witnessed some unkindness this week that has made me wonder what is gained by making others feel rotten.  I can go along sweeping my side of the street and then a garbage truck will go by and deposit its entire load right in front of me.  Is the person in the garbage truck laughing? What pleasure is it to dump that load of garbage on another?  I don't know about you but dumping on another person has never made me feel good, superior or enhanced me spiritually.  It has had the opposite effect. 

I know that the tools of the program tell me to let things go, not pick up a thrown gauntlet, and to keep sweeping.  But I am tired today so I needed to wonder out loud here instead of listening to the voices telling me that I too am an outcast.

I know that when I am faced with angry people and criticism,  I feel great anxiety. The feeling of isolation that I had as a child is still within, just waiting to bring me down.  I have written here before that I fear nothing more than abandonment and have for the most part held on in relationships rather than experience the pain of feeling abandoned and rejection.  These feelings of not being able to cope with abandonment stem from living in an dysfunctional environment where no one was emotionally there for me.

So where does that leave me?  Today, it means that I am going to go to a noon meeting.  I'm going to get plenty of rest tonight.  I'm going to meet with a sponsee for an hour after work.  And I'm going to keep sweeping my side of the street.  The outrages, anger, selfishness, and fears of others are not mine to own.  I have given those shortcomings enough of my energy this week.  I don't need to know "why"?  I only know that I will pick up that abandoned outcast part of me, dust it off, give it a good hug, and treat it as gently as I possibly can.

Step Studies: How To's?

There have been some issues about how the step study is being conducted at one of the meetings I regularly attend.  There has been a lot of cross talk, some snippy comments, and some focus on personalities and not principles. Last night at the study meeting, there was general disarray in which cross talk prevailed, people who walked in 10 minutes before the meeting was to close and who were there for the regular meeting were asked to participate in the step meeting, and no chair was present.  At the group conscience, we decided to try to come up with some guidelines on how a good study group would work. 

I have attended well run step studies in the past.  I think the thing that has been important with those was that whoever chaired the study meeting had worked the 12 steps and was basically walking the walk. I couldn't find anything on line about how to put together a study meeting in Al-Anon, so I came up with some thoughts based on my own experience.

• If the meeting is approved by WSO, then only conference approved literature may be used.  The Bible and the Big Book of AA are not conference approved for Al-Anon.  But there is a wealth of CAL from Al-Anon. The first step meeting I ever attended was one in which we read How Al-Anon Works.  It was a great introduction to the program and to the steps and traditions.  There are a number of other good CAL books such as the newly published Discovering Our Choices.

• I think that one of the first things to do is to decide what kind of meeting this should be: a step study or an Al-Anon book study. It could simply be called a "Study Meeting" which would enable attendees to not only read and discuss the steps, traditions, and concepts but to also read from other books such as How Al-Anon Works, Discovering Our Choices, and other CAL.

• There needs to be a decision as to who will be there each week to "lead" the meeting.  Having a back up person available would also be a good idea. It would be ideal to have someone who has worked the steps be there.  The "leaders" are simply there to maintain continuity not to lecture or to dominate. Since this will likely be a reading group, a suggested approach is to have a person read a few paragraphs and then briefly discuss the material. Avoidance of cross talk is highly recommended because it tends to slow things down. 

• The "lead" is willing to conduct the meeting according to the format. This person is obligated to uphold the group conscience from the chair; and be willing to explain the group's function and goals to newcomers and visitors before, during, and after the meeting. This person must be willing to interrupt an individual who is off the step and remind them of the purpose of the meeting.

• It's important to have a group preamble or group conscience statement which lays out the framework for the meeting. It defines our mission, the way we carry our message to others. It defines the ground rules of the meeting. It could, for example, make it clear that sharing at a step study meeting depends upon whether a person has direct experience with the 12 steps. The chair would also make certain that no cross talk occurs. There needs to be agreement on the meeting "rules"--e.g. no cross talk, sharing briefly and not going on and on, limit the group to those who arrived at the start of the meeting and not at the end.  It might be advisable to find a smaller room to have the study group so that individuals who come in for the regular open meeting don't disrupt the group. 

• The chairperson needs to keep the meeting focused.  At each meeting, the chairperson would announce the step or reading and the pages that will be covered. The chair would then ask people to read a few paragraphs and then discuss what resonated with each as they read.   A study meeting needs to stay on topic and not wander off into other directions.  This weakens the group and can also be frustrating. 

Study groups work!   They work by being very structured and specific. They work by putting the principles of Al-Anon ahead of our own (and other people's) personalities, and by keeping one aim above all else: carrying the message of the program to others who want it.  It isn't particularly productive to try to pass on to others something that you haven't got.

This just points out my experience.  I personally think that study groups, whether step or CAL book studies, are beneficial to recovery as long as they have some structure and leadership. 

Sorry for the long post.  I just had to get these thoughts down.  Maybe some of you on here will have some thoughts on how to improve this so that it will be useful as a guideline for the next group conscience meeting.  Please let me have your E, S, and H on this.

The Last One To Go

 I saw the following on the wall of the Marine Biological Laboratory's library when I was in Woods Hole last week.  It was written by Katsuma Dan who was a Japanese cell biologist and embryologist.  He studied at the MBL, married a scientific collaborator Jean Clark, and maintained lasting ties to the laboratory at Woods Hole.

Dan returned to Japan in the late  1930s and worked at the Misaki Marine Biological Station in Morioso Bay. He and his students maintained a remarkable degree of scientific productivity during World War II. Near the end of the war the Japanese Navy took over the Misaki Marine Station and converted it into a base for miniature submarines. Although displaced, Dan and his students set up a crude laboratory nearby and continued their work. At the end of the war Dan posted a hand-written note on the door of Misaki (which I photographed and inserted above), addressed to advancing America forces, in which he said: “... you can destroy the weapons and the war instruments but save the civil equipments  for the Japanese students. When you are through with your job here notify to the university and let us come back to our scientific home.” The note was signed, “The last one to go.”

It is a remarkable note in that the Misaki Marine Station was spared.  I found his appeal poignant.  He simply wanted to return to studying the cells and embryos that interested him.  I think about how lucky I have had it to work at a place where the only complaints over the last few years have been budgetary.  I've had every opportunity to work in peace and with great people. 

I'm glad too that in recovery I finally made it into the rooms of Al-Anon.  I wasn't the last one to go.  I am convinced that I went when God knew it was time for me to be there. I am so grateful for that. 

Monday is a sun day

We decided to spend another day on the boat. It is supposed to be nearly 70 F today so that is definitely beach weather. I have a sore throat and a head cold so sitting in the sun will likely do me some good. I just didn't feel like going anywhere yesterday.

We are having a very late breakfast today. I'm cooking up a cheese omelet, bacon, steak, veggie burgers, and great coffee. Then we are going to row to shore and soak up the sun.

I have been sleeping like crazy out here. It is so totally relaxing. I guess being a bit sick also makes me want to sleep. We did read from the Big Book of AA last night. I'll leave you with a quote from that:

"If asked what the two most important things in recovery are, I would have to say willingness and action........
If willingness is the key to unlock the gates of hell, it is action that opens those doors so that we may walk freely among the living." pg. 317 fourth edition.

Amen to that.

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I made it home without any delays. It was good to get back and be with my sweetie. We decided to go on the boat for the weekend. It is a gorgeous day and is supposed to be even warmer tomorrow.

The Rent-A-Sponsor is a bit of humor for you. In reality though I think that I may know a few people who would like to work the program this way. But I think that it's much too pretty a day for a rant. So I'll stick to the humorous side of this.

We are at our anchorage now and going to take a nap before dinner. I'll check on your posts during the weekend. Hope that you enjoy the day.

Heading home

I'm heading back home this morning.  I enjoyed seeing my colleagues. It is a strange feeling to not be invested in work plans for the next five years.  But I realize that's okay and will just have to let this go.


The above photo is of my dinner last night: American lobster, clam chowder and a lot of soft-shell clams (steamers).  It was quite a feast. And there was a lot of joviality during and after the meal. 



It is still snowing this morning and the snow is accumulating.  What a treat it was to wake up and look out the window to see snow coming down and the ground covered.  I had breakfast looking out over the Eel pond where there are many snow covered sailboats and powerboats bobbing at their moorings. It was indeed a picture postcard scene.

This week I went to an open men's meeting.  Before the meeting began, a young woman walked in.  After she sat down, one of the members walked over and told her that it was a men's meeting. She then got up and went outside.  No one among those regular members got up to talk with her.  So I went outside and asked her whether she had a ride.  She said that she would call her ride to come back and get her. 

This seemed to be one of those situations where "How Important Is It?" would apply.  Was it really necessary to oust someone who came for help from a meeting? What about the idea that limiting the message may also limit my own recovery?  I think that in this case it would have been good to let this young woman stay.  I like the idea of including those who need the message and not excluding them.  Tradition Three seems to be the guide here in which the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

I would be interested to hear your viewpoint on this, both from the point of AA and Al-Anon. 

Life in six words

I haven't done this for a while but thought that I would ask this question today:

If you could write a memoir in a six word sentence, what would it be?

Here is what I came up with this morning: Past is done, living in present.

My post is going to be short today because I have come down with a bug and feel a bit under the weather.  I am at the conference but can tell that my energy level isn't really what it usually is.  It is still snowing but nothing has accumulated today, and all the snow from yesterday is now gone.

Looking forward to your answers.  Have fun with it.

Wednesday snow

I'm including more photos that I took walking around here yesterday. It is snowing here today and is supposed to continue tomorrow and the next day. There are a couple of field trips at noon so it will be hearty weather for the marsh and beach. I'm sitting near a window and am really enjoying watching it come down.



I like these old photos that are prevalent around the lab. The one above was from a class trip and picnic to a nearby island. It reminded me of the wooden boat that we row on Wednesday evenings. This was not a power boat but a humanly powered boat. A change of pace from today for sure.



The gentleman above is from the old school when marine science was all about macro discoveries--new species, functions of habitats, and natural history. I like the fedora and the suit. Today the field has an influx of genetics, physiology, and cellular experts. There is more balance between the macro and micro components now. But there is nothing like seeing these early pioneers in the field when just about everything was a new discovery.

I have talked to my wife several times a day since I left. We are missing each other. I wish that she could have come up here with me, not to attend the meetings but to visit the area where she also spent time going on ships. It has a lot of nostalgia for us.

I was thinking about a comment made on yesterday's post about the pain associated with having loved ones who are still active with drinking and using. I know that my disappointment and sorrow would be huge if my loved one were to start drinking again. However, I also accept fully that there is nothing I can do to stop her if she wants to start. All I can do is love her, take care of myself, and move on with my life, even if emotionally I am shot full of holes.

I can say that I have some program tools to help with disappointment and grief, but those emotions will still have to be felt. Such is the nature of love. It is when the pain of loving becomes sufficient that surrender is the only option. Some of us figure out early on that there is nothing to be done to change another. Others like me are stubbornly determined and try for years and years to effect change. We try until we are used up emotionally and have lost ourselves. I am most grateful that I found a program of recovery which has shown me there are other options for living.

Finally, I'm including a shot of where I am blogging up here: the bed in the dorm room. Spartan for sure. My trusty Mac book is on the table next to the bed. The extra blanket was a good thing to have last night. Hope you have a good day.

Woods Hole

I made it without any problems. It was a two hour bus trip from Boston to Woods Hole. After dropping my gear in the dorm room, a group of us went to the Captain Kid for dinner.

The Kidd is a local hangout where the food is okay. I think that most go there for a glass or two rather than the cuisine. The clam chowder was actually good. The Kidd has a lot of research vessel memorabilia. The name plate for the old R/V Chain is hanging on the wall. And there are many life rings on the walls, including one from the R/V Nancy Foster, a vessel on which I spent many weeks doing research.

I must have been asked 30 times about retirement. People most wanted to know my plans. I said that my plan is to wake up in the morning and decide what I may want to do that day while reserving the right to change my mind. It will still be one day at a time for me.

Sadly, an old friend told me that his 18 year old daughter tried to kill herself. She survived but her kidneys are permanently damaged. I asked him about drugs and alcohol, but that apparently wasn't the issue. But she seems to have had codependency problems compounded by exposure to alcoholism at a young age, death of her mother, break up with a boyfriend, and remarrying of her father. Her dad is deeply troubled and at a loss about what to do. His confusion and sadness was palpable.

Well, I'm off to a morning session. I will check in with you when time allows.

Heading north

I am leaving today for a scientific meeting in Woods Hole, MA.  This will be my last major "away game" before retirement in three months.  I will miss seeing these colleagues that come from around the US.  I've been an integral part of this group since 1992.  It has been a good group in that we could argue vehemently about approaches and concepts and then later get together and have a beer and be colleagial.

I'm not sure what the weather is going to be, other than perhaps some snow.  I've been to Woods Hole many times over my career.  In graduate school, I went there to go to sea on the old Albatross IV.  It was early March, and the weather in the Gulf of Maine was miserable.  We had such heavy seas that we eventually put into port for a couple of days.  There was ice on the deck and sleet was the norm for every six hour watch. 

I remember sitting in the Marine Biology Lab and having to wear a coat and wool cap because the Director kept the heat off to save electricity.  I was trying to write and take notes from some of the journals that I needed for my dissertation.  It was about 40 degrees F in the library!

At the time, I was a lowly graduate student, but I met some of the greats there.  Most of those scholars are no longer alive.  Later, the same Director who kept the heat down became a close colleague as we both worked together to get a fledgling society off the ground. He was the editor for the scientific journal, and I was the President of the Society. 

I enjoy coming back to Woods Hole because it has such a rich history in marine science.  Founded in 1888, the Marine Biological Laboratory is the oldest independent marine laboratory in the Americas.  To date, 53 MBL-affiliated scientists have been awarded the Nobel Prize.  I don't know when and if I'll be back, but it won't likely be in an official capacity after this trip.  I'm going to enjoy my time up there and hopefully get to an open AA meeting since there aren't any Al-Anon meetings in town.

I hope to catch up with each of you over the week.  In the meantime, take care.