Give me cover

Give Me Cover--Memorial Day 2010

Give me cover I think
as the Carolina sun
beats down on me, burning
my bare shoulders and arms.
I am rewarded with
a happy yellow canopy
to shade me from the heat.

Give me cover shouts
the young child who runs from
the belt as it descends to hit
his bottom again and again.
He is rewarded with a curse
and a scowl that would last
through a lifetime of pain.

Give me cover cries the mother
who desperately wants to trust
and believe in her child who
has had so many chances.
She is rewarded with blank
stares and empty promises
as he pushes the needle in.

Give me cover pleads
the husband who sees no end
to his heart ache and worry.
He is rewarded with a chance
to find his own peace and live
a happy life by the grace of
a power that he cannot see.

Give me cover screams the
young man who is pinned down
by bullets and mortar fire.
He says a silent prayer and
is rewarded with a shot that
pierces his heart and leaves his
dead eyes staring at nothing.

Give me cover cries his mother
who opens the door to see
somber faces telling her that
her boy is dead and gone.
She is rewarded with a bronze
star, a purple heart, and
memories of his smiling face.

(This was written for those who suffer the internal wars, the drug war, the war against self. And especially for those who fight wars not of their choosing.

In memory of Capt. Harry L. Sadler who was killed in action in France. I never knew you but heard that you were a hell of a nice fellow.)

The little skate

I thought that I would share a nice story with you today. For the past few weeks, we have been rearing a clearnose skate pup in my lab. She was brought in from a harbor trawl as an egg case.

She was removed from her egg case prematurely by a staff member who though she had died. After her debut in a preschool classroom to excite students about marine science, she has been growing steadily.

She’s been doing just fine outside of the case with her yolk sac attached - so well in fact that her yolk sac will expire any day now. So after discussion, we think she would be best off in a large aquarium where she will be fed and have adequate shelter.




She was picked up on Friday by staff from the SC Aquarium. Little skate will be fed and maintained there until she may be released.

She has endeared herself to many of us. We have watched her double in size. It is another reminder of how important all the creatures are--even the least ones.

Happy Saturday to you.

A new freedom

Well, the day has finally come when I am no longer officially employed.  This is my last day that I have to show up, deal with staff issues, fill out time sheets, attend department head meetings, and so on.  One of the last things I have to do is to turn in my exit checklist and sign over my equipment to others. 

I have to tell you that it feels very good.  One of my rowing friends asked me if it felt like the last day of high school.  I had to pause because high school was quite a few years ago, but I could remember that sensation of getting out for the summer after graduation and knowing that a whole other world awaited me. College was still a few months away so I was essentially free to read what I wanted, cruise in my car,  and to celebrate the rite of passage to adult hood. So yes, that is exactly how this feels.

And just like high school, there are those who have acknowledged my leaving in very meaningful ways, others who have given ritualistic and cliched acknowledgments, and others who have not acknowledged it at all.  It would be easy to build a lot of expectations around all of this.  But thankfully, my expectations are low when it comes to how people express their true feelings to others.  Some are able to do this easily and for others, avoidance is the best way.

What is really good for me is that I know after so many years of working I have a new freedom and a new happiness.  I am keeping my wonderful office that overlooks the harbor for the time being.  I will be able to continue to do science without the administrative hassles.  No one needs to hunt me down to handle this emergency or that. I can come and go as I want.  I am experiencing being a free adolescent spirit once again.  And I am celebrating the rite of passage to another stage of life.  I'm not old and don't feel old, so I'm calling this rite of passage the one to my second life.

Recovery has been instrumental in that second life since the last few years here have been those in which I have practiced the Al-Anon program. Recovery will continue to be important in my life and now I will have more time to devote to service work.  I am grateful to have these chances to do what I like to do from the standpoint of my profession and my recovery.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes.  I am most appreciative for your kind thoughts.  I am still the same person, but simply am enjoying a new set of wings at the moment.

Stop looking out and start looking in

In the opening for Al-Anon meetings, there is a line that says, “In Al-Anon we learned to keep the focus on ourselves”. What a foreign concept that was to me when I first began.  I had my focus on everyone but myself.  My identity was tied up in work, my wife's drinking, my friends and their drama, and on and on.  I’ve been either angry, embarrassed, or obsessed with what they were doing. During those years, I paid less attention to good things about myself, instead I was very self-critical and not very forgiving of myself.

I thought that I had the answers to how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when they didn’t follow my rules of conduct.  Well, needless to say, this attitude met with a lot of resistance from others.  And then I would get angry because no one really appreciated what I was doing.

One of the promises of the program that has come true for me is that I have found acceptance.  I have learned to mind my own business and not that of others.  It is clear to me now that I don't have the answers for other people.  I cannot make the rules for the behavior of others or any facet of their life.  I no longer find myself getting caught up in what they should or should not do.  If I do start to follow that train of thought, then I am losing my humility.  I have also ceased to pay attention to myself.  Nine times out of ten, I am focusing on someone else to avoid looking at something in my own life. Generally, for me it is fear that is raising its head. I know that I generally relate to others better when I allow them to be exactly as they are and keep focusing on what I'm doing.

This program is teaching me is to stop looking out and start looking in.

Being of service

Last night at a meeting, I got to reflect on something that has been passed down from my sponsor to me and that I pass on to my sponsees.  It is one of the fundamental principles of AA and Al-Anon: "In order to keep it, you have to give it away."

I've found that service work is a great thing. There are so many ways to be of service in the fellowship.  My sponsor shared that he took a position as GR about 2 weeks into Al-Anon.  He asked what being a GR entailed and was told that it was like being President of the group.  He admitted to having a big ego and said, "Okay, I can do that!". 

I didn't come into Al-Anon with much self-esteem when it came to relationships, but I did know how to step up to the plate and be responsible. So probably some of my first service with the group was ego based.  I've always been a sucker to volunteer to do something, especially when no one else wants to. But a lot of why I have done service work is to give back to the program what has been so freely given to me. And I appreciate that there were people at the meetings when I was new that took the time to share their experience, strength, and hope which was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.  So I have done a lot of different service work in all sorts of ways since being in the fellowship.  It has helped me to get out of myself, out of my own head, and made my recovery stronger.

I have gotten a lot from working with the newcomers who keep coming back.  Like so many newcomers, when I first came to Al-Anon, I was in deep despair. I didn't want to fix anyone but myself because I was past the point of trying to fix the alcoholic. I didn't believe that the relationship could be saved. In fact, I didn't believe in much when I came in. I definitely was at an emotional bottom and in need of guidance.

At first, I didn't feel much like I belonged. Everyone was further along than I. It was as if there was a different language. But it just felt like I had found a place where I could finally talk about what was wrong in my life and in my marriage.

Even though I felt shame and guilt at first, I kept going to meetings.  I wanted what was offered. After working the steps and with the help of my sponsor, I've created a new life for myself. I have hobbies that I enjoy and fill my life with things that I like to do and can do with or without my spouse. I don't have expectations that she will participate but if she wants to, that's great. I've learned from the program that keeping the focus on myself isn't selfish.

So when I see a newcomer at a meeting, it inspires me. I feel sad for them.  But I know that the path through the door leaves a trail of tears but eventually laughter follows us out.  I am now able to laugh at meetings and can see how far I've come. I can see the raw emotion of the newcomer and pray that each will hear something that will make them want to keep returning. And with God working through me, I get to reach out my hand and give away some of what I have learned. And that's a great feeling.  I think that I’ve given away something but kept something far more valuable by helping others.

Last night, the newcomers heard that they are the most important person in the room. When I heard those words, it made me feel special and that was something that I hadn't felt for a long time.

So I want to say thanks to the newcomers who have the courage to come into a meeting. Hopefully, you'll hear something that will make you keep coming back and will lead you to recovery.  And if you are not new, reach out your hand to be of service. Give it away and you'll get far more in return.

Grows me

 

It rained all night.  I would occasionally wake up to listen to it pouring off the roof of the porch.  I really like rainy days.  They make me sleepy and relaxed.  And rainy nights are made for good sleeping.  When the rain comes during the night, the sound is soothing.   It's as if the soil, the trees, the flowers, the vegetables are heaving a sigh of relief. 

I picked vegetables in the rain, and we had a feast of new potatoes, fresh basil, snap beans, and simlin squash for dinner last night.  The garden is lush this morning after the long rain.  The dogs are out chasing each other, happily barking and playing in the puddles in the paddock.

I needed the rest and my home group meeting last night.  We talked about letting go--not trying to hang on tenaciously to the past with its flaws and self-inflicted wounds.  I couldn't help but be reminded that my spiritual growth has grown stronger with its roots deepening and spreading out to keep me anchored and able to withstand the weight of living in the world.  There have been many dark days, yet ultimately I am still standing and not too bowed from my cares.  Like all the other living things, I have a passion for living.

I like the following passage from the poet and spiritual philosopher Mark Nepo:

"We start out thin and green, and each time the sky grows dark, we think we will break, but the downpour makes us grow, though never straight, always twisting for the light, and strangely, the more we reach above the earth, the deeper something in us fingers its way down, and it is this--our unseen fingers reaching for the core--that keep us from blowing away.  Now there is no more running and very little swaying, and up till now, there have been many languages, although none that could be heard, just a creak at dawn and a moan at night, and sooner or later, we are brought down. It doesn't matter how. We are undone......" from The Book of Awakening.

Eventually each of us has a dark day and a time of being undone.  It can be the death of loved ones, an illness, loss of love, any kind of unexpected change.  What I hope is that my roots are deep and firm.  And that the rainy times are gentle.  I know that the sun will eventually shine again.

I've waited around before

I am tired today.  I would have liked to sleep in as it's a rainy day.  We sailed back through a beautiful thunderstorm last night.  Fortunately, we got to the marina before there was no visibility.  I think that I had a good night's sleep but simply feel "off".  A sponsee had made an appointment to work on step four, but hasn't made an appearance so I guess this is a "no show".  He did this last week as well.  There is nothing that I can do except move on.

There is a chapter in the Big Book of AA that addresses working with those who drink, basically with the idea of practicing the Twelfth Step. From reading this chapter, I've thought about some of the co-dependence issues that face spouses and parents of the alcoholic or addict.

What the BB says is that we don't waste time trying to persuade people to stop their destructive behavior if they don't want to stop. This is where detachment with love is necessary. We have to practice our Step One in Al-Anon to realize that we are powerless and that no amount of pleading, manipulating, or insanity on our part can cure the person who is deciding to drink or take drugs.

What the BB instead says is that when the binge ends or a lucid interval occurs, a family member, sponsor or friend needs to ask the individual if they want to quit for good and if they would go to any lenght to do so. If the answer is yes, then the individual should talk to someone who has recovered and who is trying to help others, as part of their own recovery.

This seems like such good advice because it won't work if we force ourselves and our pleadings on another. It hasn't worked before or in as many times as we've tried it. If the individual who has the problem doesn't want to stop, then nothing we can say or do will make the individual stop. It seems that we all need to recall these things when there is a slip or we are dealing with people we love who can't seem to quit. They probably haven't gotten to the bottom yet or realized the seriousness of what they are doing.

Similarly, in Al-Anon, we have to be beaten down by the disease to such a point that we are ready to admit our powerlessness and to turn things over to our HP. If we are still thinking that we can "fix" things, then we aren't ready to make the changes necessary to take care of ourselves. 

I know that someone has to want what I have to offer.  It appears that this sponsee doesn't at the moment. I'm okay with that.  Time to just chill out and let them find their own way. 

Sunday morning

The sky is filled with puffy cumulus clouds this morning.


It is hot and still. I got up early to row the old girl to shore for her bathroom break. She is the best thing. Sweet with everyone, patient, and happy to be anywhere I am. All she wants is an ear scratching and her chance to go wade in the water. She is another heart dog, daughter to the one we lost in November.


Breakfast consisted of bacon, vegetarian sausage, an egg, and some curried couscous that we had with blackened tuna last night. It made for an exotic breakfast. I don't eat bacon but C. and the old dog like it once in a while. I do eat eggs and fish but have sworn off meat. We generally have two meals a day out here and that suffices.


I talked to a colleague about the Deep Horizon spill. He said that the oil has taken on a sausage shape where it has collasced near the Loop Current. It is many miles long and as deep as 300 meters. Attempting to get a sample from the huge blob was difficult.

It appears that we don't know the information about the extent of the spill. Why is that information not being given to the public? There are several models that predict it will go up the East coast. I am hoping that won't occur. It would be a mess to have that huge blob of oil cover the corals in the Keys and then get entrained in the Gulf Stream.

I am reminded once again that there are many things beyond my control. I can do what I can should help be needed, but meanwhile there is much to enjoy today. Trouble may come but I won't look for it right now. I like that my father told me not to borrow trouble. Those are wise words.

True gifts

These photos are of the gifts that staff gave me at a luncheon last week. The first shows a pen and ink of a marine critter that was named for me. And around it are the signatures of my colleagues at the lab.




The other photo is of a fossil crab that they gave me. It is a beautiful little thing from the late Miocene period. It's claws are outstretched as it were still alive after so many years. The species is no more which is a reminder that the beautiful creatures of the past were once scuttling along the ocean's bottom. I wonder if someone in the future will find the picture with all the signatures and marvel that someone once studied that creature which has become extinct.

At the rate we are destroying habitats and species, those days may not be as far off as one would imagine. Back when the little crab was alive, there was really just the climate to worry about and whether food was available. Things are much more complicated now.



There are some other gifts from this day. One of them was the glorious sunrise this morning. I woke up early to see the sun just start to rise. Another day full of promise ready to start.






Every day is a gift that is free to me. It is good to have the day ahead that is wide open to what I want to do. Hoping your Saturday is filled with opportunities for enjoyment, peace and service to others. Take care of the gift for it is indeed precious.

In the field

Today, I am out with some of the staff doing shrimp sampling in the harbor. We monitor the number of white, brown, and pink shrimp in order to manage the species.

This will be my last "official" trip. I've had some good times on this project over the years. Luckily, I can come back to just volunteer when I would like to go back out sampling again.

So here's some of what we do;




The trawl net is put over and wire is let out to set it on the bottom.




Here the winch is bringing the gear back in after a 15 minute tow.



The trawl net is coming up and ready to come on deck.




The contents of the net is placed in a basket. The shrimp and crabs are sorted out, measured, and their reproductive state noted.




Data are recorded on forms and then taken back to be entered electronically for later analysis.




There was a fairly good sample of white shrimp, most of which were females ready to spawn.




The semi-transparent exoskeleton makes it possible to determine how advanced in development the ovaries are.

Data collected today will go into a database from which I compare today's findings with the ten year average. Shrimp numbers are lower than usual due to the winter freeze in January. I'm hoping that the oil floating in huge sausage like mats won't make it along the East coast. It could really destroy the fishery.

But I don't see anything that's amiss today. It's such a beautiful day today. Some light breeze and plenty of sunshine. After I get off this boat I'll get on my own to go out sailing and spend the weekend on her.

Happy Friday to all.

We all need sabbaticals

A sabbatical is not rare in academia.  Most professors will request a sabbatical at some time. They provide an opportunity for refreshment and new experiences.  It's a chance to get away from your normal routine - a time to immerse yourself in a different environment, a chance to see your life from a different perspective.

I think that perhaps I am going to call retirement a kind of sabbatical.  The Director came in today and told me that I can keep my office and computer here should I desire to continue to work on some manuscripts and projects.  That was a surprise to me.  We have had our differences over the years, but I told him that I appreciated the offer and would take him up on it.  I have a couple of books that I want to publish, a series of statistical lectures to complete, and some other opportunities to participate in scientific endeavors.  It sounds good to me because I will only keep the schedule that I want to keep and not one that is a must.   

I read this morning that Mary Christine, who has been writing daily for over 5 years, has decided to take a sabbatical from blogging.  I think that we all get tired and need a break from routine tasks. I like to think that those who are taking a sabbatical will connect with the dreams that can inspire them on the next stage of the journey. I certainly wish that for Mary as I have followed her flowers, her running, her work and her sobriety since I was blogging.

I am feeling inspired to dream today.  My dreams aren't elaborate ones.  They are mostly about having more time to spend at home or on the boat.  It seems that in those two places, I have the utmost freedom. I don't want to take a sabbatical from life, just from structure.  My desire is to create more space in my life so that people and opportunities will present themselves in unexpected ways. I hope to keep that spirit of openness, spaciousness, and surprise alive.  And I wish that for each of you. 

"I still recall how, with my bag on a pole, I forgot my yesterdays.
Wandered the hills, played in the water, went to the land of the clouds.
The lift of an eyebrow, the blink of an eye -- all of it samadhi.
In this great world there is nowhere that is not a wisdom hall."

Ziyong, 18th c. Chinese nun

Interesting work with others

"Some people seek an easier and softer way by doing a "general confession" to God alone. They are not about to name specifically the humiliating, "awful" thinks they have done out loud before another human being. But this act of specifically confessing things is what often leads to serenity. The more afraid you are to tell about a certain act or thought in your Fifth Step, the more likely it is that confessing that particular thing will put a new crack in your denial and free you in a new area. There doesn't seem to be an easier, softer way, and people who seek one apparently don't understand the tenacious and tricky nature of this spiritual disease we are facing. Step Five is to help us see, to grasp, to understand specifically how the disease has permeated our lives in ways we usually cannot see any other way."
- A Hunger for Healing

I had a lot going on yesterday.  I worked all day, emptying out more file drawers and carted off many bundles of papers, letters, old drafts of manuscripts, and other refuse from this career to the recycle bin.  Nothing new there.  But the highlights of the day were really those dealing with recovery. 

I had a noon meeting with a sponsee to go over Step 12 and give him his one year medallion.  I have had mixed emotions about this sponsee.  He is brilliant and says all the right things.  Yet, he does not regularly attend meetings and does not want to do service work.  I have seen him grow, yet wonder whether he will darken the door at an Al-Anon meeting again.   Working the 12 steps is not like graduating from college or receiving a certificate of completion.  To me, it is truly about continuing to grow spiritually.  I can say that I have done my part to the best of my ability to share my experience, strength and hope with this fellow.  What he does with that is now up to him. 


Later in the afternoon,  I heard another sponsee's fifth step.  Every experience with this step is different depending on the individual.  All tell their life story and do a kind of self-reporting.  But it is the way that the story is told that can vary so much. Some find this step brings up a lot of  painful moments of self-knowledge and great remorse over past failures.  I was critical of my past behavior and highly judgmental about myself.  I can remember my sponsor reminding me not to be too hard on myself. No matter what I had done in the past, I could use the present to make changes and undergo new growth.  The fifth step for me involved a lot of internal "cleansing".

Others have a more matter of fact approach in which the details of their life are shared as if they are giving a report.  And that is what this sponsee did.  His story was nearly devoid of emotion.  It was a factual blow by blow.  I would occasionally ask him questions about what he was feeling during some of the events he was sharing. And as the hours went past, he began to loosen up a bit.  He admitted that there were many things that had been suppressed and that he preferred not to think about.  We talked about those.  I don't know whether he felt the great weight lifted from him.  It is what each of us chooses to make it. 

After the fifth step,  I went to chair the book study group in which we are discussing Step 10.  And after that was the regular meeting.  There were several tender new comers who shared their tears and relief at being in the meeting.  Several have left their alcoholic spouses or are dealing with children who are "out".  Appropriately, the topic was grief.  How good it feels not to be grieving at this moment.  I am at a place of acceptance which is a blessing at the moment. 

So by the time, I went to sleep last night it was late.  The day had been full of recovery which helps me to sleep with a sense of peace. 

On equal terms

There are times when I hate the disease so much that I also start to hate myself for ever being around it. Then I realize that what hasn’t killed me might have helped me. I am better for having endured and learned and found a solution.  Nonetheless,  if given the choice, I would rather have not spent so many years on unequal terms with another.

Mary wrote recently on her blog: 
".....people who are not codependent ...... have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self and they don’t want to rescue or redeem troubled lovers. They want partners in the true sense of the word. Strong independent-minded people don’t come out of families where they have grown up colluding in secrets and compliance. They don’t locate self-worth in being needed or in pointless self-sacrifice. They want to meet with others on equal terms."

Today, I had a sponsee meeting on Step 12.  After a year of working the steps,  we have come to the point where as sponsor and sponsee we can talk in depth about practicing the principles of the program in our lives.  He has been involved in several relationships in which he gave much more than the other person.  There was no equality,  but the assigned roles of giver and a taker.  I too have been the giver for many years, but I am now seeing that to continually give from the well depletes and eventually dries up the well spring within. 

What was the point of my pointless self-sacrifice?  Did I think that if I would stay the course that somehow the other person would magically change for me?  Maybe that was part of it.  But in my example, I shared that the self-sacrifice only dries and burns up one person--me.  I am much better off today with having more equality in my relationships with others.  I no longer have to be the giver.  It is not a role that has been assigned for life. 

For every person who is struggling with a loved one who is taking, it is best to ask "what am I getting from all the giving that I do?"  If I inventory the situation,  I will no doubt find that I thought that I did not deserve to be on equal terms.  But my life matters, my health of mind and body matters, and the time has come that my partner and I can meet each other in the middle.  And that, my friends, is what recovery has done.   

Clearing out

I am too tired to do much that is productive today. I did stay up too late last night with the iPad.  It seems that I have become a night person.  But my schedule requires that I also be a morning person, and the two conflict.

So here I am at work in my partially cleared out office.  I have cleaned out the file cabinet in the photo above and most of the things in the book case are packed.  I have a couple more file cabinets to go through and then a bunch of publications of mine that I will donate to the library since I don't need 40 copies of each of them.

Strangely enough, I am now over the shock and despair part of grieving the end of my career here.  I think that a couple of months ago I was really in the throes of grieving my leaving this position.  I knew that I had signed on the dotted line five years ago and wasn't a bit under duress or crazy when I did it.  Both C. and I decided that we would leave when we were young enough to still do other things.  Our stint here has been long and productive. We knew that we would be ready in five years.  And the financial deal was really sweet.

But as the time grew nearer I did grieve. I did the denial (I still have plenty of time left to work here), anger (what was I thinking?), the bargaining (I can come back and work again for the agency at some point), and the depression (no one will miss me) bit.  Sometimes I felt near panic at the thought of leaving this career. 

I have worked at some sort of job in marine science since I was in high school.  That's a long time.  I even volunteered at my first job at a marine lab where I later got my MS and Ph.D. I spent that entire summer emptying out dead preserved oysters and washing the jars. I saw shriveled up oysters in my dreams.  But I showed up every day and did the work.  That lead to paying summer jobs for the rest of high school through college.  And then came graduate school where there were no breaks or vacations. And after graduate school, I went right into moving and working here.  It was a long run.

Now I think that I 'm at the acceptance phase.  I realize that I will see the people here again.  I do have outside interests that will keep me busy.  I am wanting the days now to go quicker so that I can be through with all the finality.  I am ready to accept the new reality of not being a part of this place in the sense that I have in the past. 

So today is a day to go through more drawers of the last file cabinet.  And now I am viewing these old letters and papers as being expendable.  I don't have to keep everything. Those old files that go back to the start of my time here can be perused.  I can let go of them and only save a very few that mean something to me.  It's time to say the good byes and move on. 

A surprise at home

I got home only a few minutes ago from a day of sailing.  It was a nice day with a good breeze, but I am tired after being on the water.  I decided to catch up on my journal after taking a much needed shower.  I like to write about what happens at a more personal level than what I write about on my blog.  It's something that I have been doing for years and have found particularly helpful in my recovery.

Anyway, I was going to write about the great sail, the fabulous spaghetti dinner that I fixed last night, the book that I am reading, the long walk on the beach this morning.  But as I sat down on the couch to begin, I saw an Apple box sitting there.  In it was the new iPad. And it was a gift from C. for my retirement.  I heard her laugh with glee as I found the box and then walked over and asked innocently "What's this?".  She takes great delight in getting me those things that I would not get for myself.  She has a great knack for these surprises.

So I haven't written anything in my journal.  Instead, I have booted up the iPad, been playing with it, have loaded it with my photos, videos, books, and apps.  I need to put it away as it would be easy for me to stay up all night just messing around with it.  But tomorrow is a work day, and I have to be up at 6 AM.  So I'm going to finish up my blog from the iPad blogger application, shut it down and go to bed, trying not to think about that sleek little piece of technology that has been added to my retinue of other geeky stuff.  My weakness is technology--everything from computers to cameras.  I dig it all.

I'm going to go snuggle next to C. and let her know that once again she got me good.  And she has me for good as well.  Good night all.

Intoxicating

The gardenias growing in the back yard gardens are heavy with flowers. Their perfume is intoxicating. We stop to inhale at several of the flowers. The tender flowers don't last too long so we cut a few to bring small bouquets inside, placing one in a vase on the table near the bed.

The old magnolias are blending their scent with that of other flowers. It is the scent of the old South. I am reminded of those sachets that my grandmother made and kept among her linens. I remember playing beneath the magnolias as they spread their branches nearly to the ground. And I hear the soft voices coming from the porch as my parents sit and talk at the end of a warm day.

The lightening bugs flash as dusk falls, signalling to each other that it's time to mate. I am glad to see their glow. It is another reminder of hot summer nights.

Back then, we slept with windows open to let in a little breeze. Now we open up the windows and porch doors to let the night air and the smell of flowers enter. The ceiling fans swirl. And we hold each other close, intoxicated by the beauty of the day, the warmth of our skin, and the promise of tomorrow.

Pee on something else

I think one of the seldom mentioned casualties of living with a black out drunk is random peeing.  In graduate school, I've seen fellows pee in the corner of someone's living room, in a fire place, just outside the bathroom, and so on.  There might have been some kind of attempt to make it to the general vicinity of the bathroom but...oops..couldn't quite make it. 

This random peeing phenomenon isn't limited to guys I'm sure, although I thankfully have to say that I have not seen a woman squat down in the living room and let it flow.  However, I do know that drunk women miss the toilet seat or piss all over it.  I do have data for that.

This kind of stuff is something that those of us who live with alcoholics don't discuss much.  In fact, I've not heard anyone's drunkalog mention this, probably because it isn't something that is remembered by the drunk. But it sure as hell is remembered by the sober family members. 

The other day a lady in one of my groups mentioned that she was horrified to come home from a meeting after work to find her husband peeing all over their new Swedishly-expensive mattress.  She has been having some difficult times of late with hubby in and out of rehab, making promises to get sober, and so forth with the same refrain: "I'm going to do quit drinking and change." 

But she said that something snapped inside her as she saw him happily peeing on the mattress.  She forgot all her Al-Anon speak and started screaming at him.  His retort was "Leave me alone!". And then, "What's the problem?".  So after some program kicked in, she left the room, grabbed a blanket and fell asleep on the couch, leaving him to sleep who knows where--on the urine soaked bed...maybe?

The next morning she told her husband that she wanted him to leave.  She also told him to clean up the bed before he left.  And then she left for work, detaching with as much love as she could muster.   And her sharing with the group included this question, "Why couldn't he have chosen a table or chair to pee on? Why did it have to be the new mattress?" Why indeed....?

It is hard to have compassion at the moment these things occur.  You've had a hard day, come home, and find a loved one happily urinating on something special or vomiting in a shoe.  But arguing and hurling insults at the drunk is not productive.  Better to get a bucket or a catch basin.  In the moment though the mind goes blank with incomprehension.  I've been there.  It's not quite the deer in the headlights but more like the deer that feels the impact of a Mack truck.

The next day when all the apologies start and the humiliation hits home is also difficult.  The stain that is left on the heart is something that words and a whole bottle of Lysol won't remove for a long time.  If it weren't for all of us in the fellowship who can share these stories, and now actually chuckle at the disasters that have occurred, I think that we would certainly have given up.  But we keep coming back, lend an ear, and offer our strength and hope to those who see nothing humorous at all about a fellow mistaking the mattress for a toilet. 

Grace

I have seen a Salvation Army commercial that features different people saying, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a--- crack head, drug addict, alcoholic--- like me; I once was--- homeless, broken, sad, lost, but now I am--- sober, happy, found." The message that I can relate to is that God is there in the midst of our brokenness, our addictions, and our afflictions. When I feel forgotten and in trouble, God will find me if I seek Him.

I needed God's grace yesterday. It was a rough day. But ultimately, at the end of the day, I was able to ask for the grace to be able to deal with the situation. I knew that I needed to put myself in the care of my Higher Power.

Grace is a gift which is given but hasn't been earned. I have heard that grace is given to everyone, but not everyone accepts the gift. After a situation that left me struggling to regain my emotional balance, I was able to unclench my fist, relax, be open and let grace come to me.

I found a place of stillness within. And with grace I was able to fall asleep and awake this morning with another chance to do God's will.

We were failures at relationships--Part Two

Yesterday, I wrote about how the character defects that I had dragged along with me from childhood and into my marriage set me up for failing at the very thing that I wanted:  a loving relationship.  I was clueless about what to do, even though I knew that what I had been doing wasn't working.

So I dug myself deeper and deeper into a mire of self-pity and self-disgust.  Instead of drawing people to me,  I would isolate from others because I felt so unworthy.  I would agonize over confrontations when they would occur.  I saw myself as a victim of the bad behavior of others.  As a consequence I was attracted to other victims in relationships.  I failed to take care of myself, instead focusing on others so that I would not look at my own responsibility to myself.  I confused love with pity.  And when I realized that I was making mistakes in relationships or being ill treated, I allowed it to continue because I didn't think that I deserved any better.  I was that out of touch with who I was and feared abandonment so much that I was willing to accept the behavior of sick people who were incapable of being there for me. This isn't a pretty picture. I essentially took on many of the characteristics of the alcoholic, even though I didn't pick up a drink.

My solution came from forgiveness and acceptance that I learned in Al-Anon.  And step by step, I have learned to be good to myself, to build self-esteem, to express what I want, to understand and be willing to let go of my defects, to take action rather than to react, to enjoy living and loving, to believe that there is a solution other than the one that I kept using over and over, and that the spiritual solution is real.  

In order to change, I cannot use my history of growing up in a dysfunctional family as an excuse for continuing my behaviors. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and life would be so much better without ever having to deal with all the emotional upheaval that it brings.  An important point for me to get through my head is that I don't need to constantly be criticizing myself for the way I've handled relationships in the past. They are over with.  Instead, I can concentrate on how I handle things on this day, hopefully with respect for the other and with love.

I also don't let regrets for what might have been paralyze the present, for my experiences have shaped my assets as well as my defects of character. I have learned to take responsibility for acknowledging my talents, to build my self-esteem and to repair any damage done to myself and others.  I am learning to take care of myself, mind my own business, and get on with living a life of gratitude.

Happiness is a choice-- I can choose to be happy or I can choose to let my fear take hold and be miserable. Being content is not an accidental mood created when someone else does what I want. I just need to keep the focus on what is within my power to change and what is up to my HP.  I think that way I'll be able to achieve the peace of mind and healthy relationships that eluded me for so long before recovery. There have been many difficult times in the past.  But with the help of God, my family and my friends, I can  survive the next twenty-four hours. 

"Wherever we may be in our search for healthy relationships, we have to begin where we are today. It may be painful to think how much better our relationships could have—or should have—been. There’s no point in criticizing ourselves when we did the best we could with what we had. We can gain peace of mind by putting aside what we could or should have done and by accepting who and where we are right now." from Discovering Choices.

We were failures at relationships--Part One

I went to my home group's meeting tonight and heard the story of one of the group members on her 3rd.  Al-Anon anniversary. She had a good story to tell.  And one of the things that I took away from it was how similar we were in that neither of us knew how to have a relationship with others. 

She had a good upbringing but with dysfunctional parents.  Over time, she had one failed relationship after another, mostly with alcoholics or addicts.  She had been let down by a lot of people and did her share of letting down as well.  Isn't this what we do?  We let ourselves down by accepting the behavior of the alcoholic that wasn't acceptable.  I used to believe that things would change just because I wished them to. That simply doesn't happen.  Things change when I take action for myself. 

In retrospect,  I don't think that I had much of clue about how to have a close relationship.  Instead I had a set of fantasies about how it all "should" be.  And when those unreal expectations weren't met,  I built up a lot of resentment.  In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.  I understood the pain of living for years with so much anger.  And I too confused hating the disease with intense feelings of dislike for the alcoholic.

I thought that I would put down some of the characteristics that I had which set me up for failing with other people in relationships and just plain living: 

1. I didn't know what a normal relationship was
2. I  judged myself and others harshly
3. I had difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda
4. I took myself way too seriously and was overly responsible
5. I didn't like change or know how to deal with it
6. I sought approval and affirmations from others but not from myself
7. I wanted immediate gratification
8. I avoided conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it
9. I feared rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected
10. I feared criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others
11. I had a lot of misplaced loyalty

Eventually, when I had enough pain in my life, I found my way into Al-Anon.  I desperately needed balance.  I wanted to learn how to have a relationship that wasn't destructive, one that was  motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.  But I had to ask myself a lot of really tough questions in recovery: 

Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

Tomorrow, I want to write about what my shortcomings did to perpetuate my failure at relating to others. And what I found to be a solution.

I did not know

I was really tired this morning, but I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower and went to work. I wondered why there were do few cars there. There were about three people on the building. Did I miss something?

Well, apparently I did because today is a holiday here. It's Confederate Memorial Day which is also celebrated in six other states. This holiday wasn't on my radar screen.



I was born in a former Confederate state and live in one where the re-enactment of the Confederacy is still alive. There are many who will dress up in uniforms today and provide a sanitized glimpse of the war in which so many were killed. Perhaps it would be better to have a Civil War History Day in which all aspects of the conflict could be used to educate about how such wars must not be repeated.

I much prefer the sweet smelling Confederate jessamine and the hedge rows of honeysuckle to the smell of gunpowder. I love the South but that dark time of history has always filled me with sadness.

Maybe the real lesson is that divided we are weaker. Respect for individuals and caring for each other makes us much stronger. I would rather that we not re-enact or memorialize the worst of the past but start working on the best of the future.

So after staying at work for a few hours, I left to run some errands, talked to a couple of sponsees, and met a friend for a late lunch. Tonight is my home group meeting. I am looking forward to it. Have a good day celebrating life and the living.

Thoughts for Mothers

I remember all those Mother's Days when I would get up early and put cards out and pick some flowers from the yard for my mother. The cards were the ones that I had made, with stiff paper and colored with crayons. Later on, I bought cards, but they never seemed to have the same significance for me as those early ones that I made. The flowers could be anything from what was growing, usually tulips, daffodils, and irises, to some wild flowers. My mother would always act surprised and happy. She kept all those cards, and I found them among her personal affects after her death.

Because Mother's Day was always on a Sunday, we would go to church. Mother always wore a red rose signifying that her mother was still living. I don't know if this is still a tradition in the South or not anymore, but it seemed a little sad to me since there were others, such as my grandmother, who had pale roses indicating that their mother had died.  I can remember hoping that my mother would never die.

So today I'm wishing for all the mothers that there is some happiness in knowing that you are loved. Inside the core of every child, there is a bond with the one who gave us life, no matter what the actions or words of the child may be. I hope that you enjoyed your day, did something good for yourself, and realized that you are a very special person.

Jump start my spirit

I feel as if I need something to jump start my spirit today.  I haven't been to a meeting this week due to being on the road.   I had set up three meetings with sponsees yesterday and today, but each one of them has canceled.  And I feel a bit lost about this.  You see, I get a lot of my recovery from working with others. It is as mutualistic a relationship as the bee with the flower: the flower gets its pollen passed to another flower and the bee gets a food reward from nectar.  Somehow my spirit thrives when there is such "cross pollinating" with others in the program. 

I talked to each of the sponsees.  Life is going on for them just as it has for me this week.  One canceled due to concentrating on a daughter's graduation, one canceled because he needed to rest,  another canceled because of another event that came up.  I talked to another sponsee who was taking his dad to an appointment.  He said that he would call back but hasn't.  And another sponsee hasn't called in two weeks.

I called my sponsor this morning to check up on him and chat.  It is almost a daily thing for me.  We connect, talk about things, share what is going on and then go about our day.  But there is a connection.  I'm not sure how the connection broke down this week with my sponsees.  Yep, I was out of town but only heard from them to cancel.  Maybe they are doing great.  I hope so.  I simply have to let them go about their business.

I also received an admonishing email from an old colleague who thought that C and I must go to Virginia to a memorial service this weekend for another colleague who died a couple of months ago.  The email stated that being the best friend of the deceased (J.), he knew that J. would want us there.  He wrote:
"I would have gone to India for J.'s memorial, but then he really was my best friend, and you rarely get one of those.  Can you believe there will be 300 people there?  Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain.  It’s not something you learned in school. But if you haven’t  learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything."

Maybe this was designed to instill guilt, maybe to control and manipulate, or maybe it was purely about his losing his best friend.  I don't know but decided that the lecture on friendship was really a bit much.  We both talked to J. before he died.  He is gone now.  I can just as well remember him the way that he once was.  In fact, I much prefer that. Besides, I doubt if J. really cares at this point how many people are there or whether we are. The spirit world is much more forgiving than the world of the living. 

As for a renewal of my spirit, I'm going to go out on the boat this weekend.  No surprise there. It's going to be hot but a decent breeze.  I will not spend too much time musing on sponsee commitments, guilt trips, or other matters that I am powerless over.  In fact, I can feel my spirits lift after writing this down.  Thanks for reading.

Thursday's Question: Optimistic or not?

I was reading about optimism versus pessimism.  Did you know that optimists attract others? Apparently, over 50% preferred the company of optimists compared with a mere 3% who were more attracted to pessimists. 

I have been a "glass is half full" person as far back as I can remember.  But I think that being in Al-Anon has reinforced this positive outlook even more.  I seldom think negatively, although I have to say that environmental disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf influence my outlook about the planet and what we are doing to it.  And the outlook isn't necessarily positive.

That being said, I thought that the Optimism Spectrum was an interesting concept to ponder.  Where along this spectrum do you happen to fall?

• Realist: I am neither optimistic nor pessimistic, but simply realistic about the good and bad things in my life
• Concrete optimist: I am optimistic, but I am realistic about the possible outcomes of events
• Cautious optimist: I am optimistic, but I am careful not to be complacent about my good fortune
• Situational optimist: My levels of optimism/pessimism change from situation to situation
• Fatalist: I accept that essentially I can’t change what’s going to happen to me, whether it’s good or bad
• Individualist: I believe that essentially I have control over what’s going to happen to me, whether it’s good or bad
• Pessimist: I am generally pessimistic, whatever the circumstances
• Contagious optimist: I am always optimistic, and my optimism spreads to those around me
• Unabashed optimist: I am always very optimistic, whatever the circumstances

I would have to say that I most probably fit the description of a concrete optimist.  I seem to thrive on hope but am also realistic about what may occur based on the evidence.  I think that hope has been enhanced in my life just because of what I hear in the program.  I also realize that I don't entirely have control over what is going to happen to me, but neither do I expect that everything can be left up to my Higher Power. I have to do my part.  How about you?

Going back

I left early this morning to head back. This trip has included a nostalgic return to places where I was supremely happy in my youth. I wrote about going back to university and the feelings that generated.

As part of my visiting places along the route, I stopped to see the horse farm where I used to ride. I had a difficult time finding the place. Where there were farm fields that used to have white fences with honeysuckle and sleek thoroughbreds grazing, there were now large homes. These homes were of the "pretend" stately variety. And they were everywhere.

I finally stopped at the tiny post office to ask where the farm was. The post mistress told me that the historic farmhouse had burned. The owner never was the same after that and died. A new owner tore down the thoroughbred barn and the fences. The old hay barn was left to disrepair.  He bulldozed a lot of the land to flatten out the rolling hills and is going to develop the property.

I felt sick at heart. There were many happy memories there. What was once there is no longer. Thomas Wolfe wrote "You can't go home again". But I also like this from Sam Ewing, “When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood”.

Maybe that's where the sadness lies--recalling youthful times. But every day is a memory ready to be made. And years from now I may look back at this time of my life and say, "Remember that May when I went on my trip to old haunts and came back home to the island and one I love."  My program of recovery says that I won't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. But I want to make some memories this day.

I made it

I made it to Alexandria last night.  I haven't driven 9 hours by myself in a while, and I have to say that I was pretty boring company for myself.  I listened to the radio but that isn't the same as having a traveling companion.  I had my trusty iPod but to tell you the truth, I didn't feel in the mood to listen to music so I listened to NPR news for about 7 hours. 

The interstate was surprisingly good until I got to Virginia, and there the pot holes were unreal.  What's up with that Virginia? You are my home state and have 2 foot holes in one of the main travel arteries!  But Virginia didn't disappoint on scenery.  It was lush and green with wonderful flowers at every rest stop.  I decided to stop at every rest stop for the last four hours. I needed to get out and walk around.  It helped to keep me awake. 

I stopped off in my old college town on the way up.  I walked to my old residence hall.  I remembered the late night conversations and the years studying there.  It brought back a lot of memories.  The campus is different now. There are key cards on the doors and many new buildings.  But the campus is still as beautiful, if not more so.  The old buildings are venerable.  I may stop on the way back just to walk around again.  I would like to go to the old science building and see if I can find the lecture hall where I sat for so many classes.  Seeing all this made me decide to come back for a class reunion.  I really think that college and graduate school were awesome times.

I didn't stop to eat and was famished by the time I got to the hotel.  It is on the Potomac River.  I had dinner at a Thai restaurant.  It was close by, but there are lots of exotic places to eat in this area.  I like the quaintness of old town Alexandria.  I could probably spend a day going through book and antique shops here.   Maybe tonight there will be some time after the meeting ends.  And perhaps I'll hunt up an Ethiopian restaurant.

Today I feel rested.  I talked to C. and things are good at the farm.  She has been working on the garden and adding more flowers to the English garden that she has started.  I miss her. 

I'm going to get something to eat for lunch and get ready for the afternoon's meeting.  Have a good day.

A last road trip

We had a great weekend on the boat.  Today was all about relaxing--sleeping late, having a good brunch, going for a long walk, getting some beach time on a blanket, and generally milking the day for every bit of good that could be eked from it.  It was a warm and breezy weekend, with just enough of the latter to keep the gnats and mosquitoes away.  And cool enough at night to still cover up with flannel sheets and a light quilt on the boat. 

Tomorrow I'm heading out for a work meeting in Virginia.  I decided to drive because the airfares are crazy.  Somehow I don't feel that I can justify having the organization pay $750 for a flight to DC.  Besides I haven't had the pleasure of bumping along up I-95 for a few months.  It will be an adventure to see whether the old construction sites that backed up traffic for hours have finished up and new parts of the decaying highway are getting reconstructed.  I might as well look on the positive side and see what the drive has to offer. 

I am sure that this is the last road trip for work before I leave my position on May 31.  Somehow I've decided that I don't like the word "retirement".  It sounds really old and cranky, and like I will have one foot in the grave.  I don't feel like any of those things.  Nonetheless, there will be more goodbyes to be said at the meeting.  That's okay.  They will know how to find me if they need me. 

I'm sure that one of the things that we will discuss is the disaster taking place along the Gulf Coast. The oil spill that is heading towards the marshes, estuaries and bayous of the Gulf Coast is something that makes me sick.  I think that it is another example of how man's activities are destroying habitat.  This is indeed the nightmare scenario that many have feared.  And yet the safety mechanisms that were supposed to work to stop the flow of oil have failed.  I truly feel powerless but without much serenity around this. 

I will be on the road much of tomorrow and will catch up on blogs when I can.  In the meantime, have a good Monday.

May day

I am letting sleeping dogs lie today. It's blustery out, and we are all tired after staying up with friends until two AM talking and discussing all manner of things from the tragedy of the oil spill


to the political extremism in the country. The cross talk increased as more wine was drunk. I didn't feel like drinking so C and I were content with our club sodas.

It's interesting to hear people go from making sense to spewing out a lot of unconnected thoughts when in their cups. Detachment feels as if I am inspecting a strange species of insect and seeing its many parts. I can say "Look at that bug. How interesting that it has a brilliant shell and some social behavior, but it has no capacity to think. It just has a bunch of ganglia that determine actions." I can observe but not pick it up.

We are now at anchorage. The old dog is sleeping on her pillows. We had breakfast for lunch and will take a nap listening to the wind and waves. Later, there will be time for a walk on the beach to hunt for shark's teeth.

I suppose the raucous celebration of the pagan Mayday occurred last night. Let's hope the nautical Mayday isn't needed.