Chasing the dream

I put in a contract on a 36 ft. Cape Dory sailboat yesterday. The boat will be surveyed in mid-August. That means that a mechanical and structural inspection will be done. If problems are found then I can get out of the contract and keep looking.

I am not worried about any of this. Before Al-anon I would be anxious and worrying. I realize that if this is meant to be, it will. But I am taking action to pursue the dream. Action is framed by knowledge in this case. Now I will await the marine survey to see how the old girl looks with her bottom bared. I am hoping that it's as smooth as a baby's butt with no blisters, sloughing, or other problems. But my expectations are minimal. We shall see.

I am not married to this boat, just somewhat engaged. If she lets me down, then there are others out there who might not.

Have a good Saturday.

A blank slate

My mind feels kind of blank tonight.  Maybe it's the heat. It has been another hot and humid day here.  The heat index is ridiculous and will be worse tomorrow.  I don't know what people are doing without AC these days.  We didn't have it when I was a kid but would use floor fans and left doors and windows open.  But it is hotter than I remember it being back then. 

I left the island to go into the city for a meeting at noon.  It was hotter still in the city.  Ironically, in the 1800's, houses were built on the island where I live so that the city dwellers could escape the heat and get out into the country.  Not much escaping the heat over the last few weeks no matter where you are.

I stopped by the "ghost" bicycle memorial for E. after the meeting.  I wonder whether his wife and daughter pass this spot.  I wonder if the young woman who was driving the car with which he collided passes this way.  It felt surreal to see the marks in the pavement and to be at the spot where the accident occurred. 

His wife had posted a poem by Galway Kinnell that she wanted to be shared with E.'s rowing friends:

Those we love from the first

can't be put aside or forgotten,

after they die they still must be cried

out of existence, tears must make

their erratic runs down the face,

over the fullnesses, into

the craters, confirming,

the absent will not be present,

ever again. Then the lost one

can fling itself outward, its million

moments of presence can scatter

through consciousness freely, like snow

collected overnight on a spruce bough

that in midmorning bursts

into glittering dust in the sunshine.

I took a few photos, inscribed a message on the bike, and then left.  I felt as if I were trespassing in a way.  For a moment I couldn't see. Maybe it was the glittering dust that got in my eyes or just the brightness of the sun. 

The funeral is tomorrow. After that, I think that we will just go home and relax.  This will likely be a weekend on land.  I don't want to take the old dog out on the boat in this heat.  There is a good meeting on Saturday evening that we can both attend.  But basically we have no plans. The weekend is a blank slate as well.  Some how that seems like a good thing.

Life's a Beach Somedays

After the rain last night, it cooled off a bit today.  At least enough for us to get a good row in with the group.  We were all mindful of our missing friend E. but put our backs into pulling on the oars.  We didn't talk a whole lot but towards the end of the row when we were heading back to the marina at a good clip with the tide running in our favor, we were laughing.  The racing boats were out for their afternoon practice with their multi-hued spinnakers billowing.  It was all really wonderful to be on the water and to be alive.

When I was going through some things in my office, I found an old photo of me with my older cousin.  We were shirtless and barefoot.  Just two kids having a great time without a care in the world.  It was a day like that today.  I could feel that kind of freedom like I experienced when I was a kid running wild through the woods and fields during summer break.  Those first few days when I was out of school with the whole summer stretched before me were wonderful times.

Back then, when life was a lot simpler, I didn't put on shoes except on Sunday, would play all day doing something, and really had only minimal problems to deal with. I would mostly try to figure out how to have a good time with my cousin without getting punished by an adult. Since he was three years older, I generally was the fall guy for most of our antics. Those summer days were magical, and the nights spent on the porch listening to some far off radio station were serene.  I would listen to music that wasn't played on our local station.  Sometimes I would fall asleep on the old glider on the porch and spend the night there without a care in the world.  Knowing that the next day would bring new adventures was enough for me.

Retirement is feeling like an endless summer vacation so far.  I'm finding that it's possible to recapture that feeling of freedom and fun. I'm still a kid at heart, and I'm enjoying the new life that I've found.  I may occasionally feel a bit undone without a formal schedule, but I can tell that I'm getting used to setting my own hours.  No shirt, no shoes, no problem..... Just for today Life's a Beach.

Knowing each other

I just got back from a meeting.  It was a sponsee's first Al-Anon birthday so I gave him a bronze medallion.  There were a couple of newcomers at the beginner meeting so he and I talked to them about what brought them to Al-Anon and how it might help.

Both of the newcomers had children who were having major issues.  One child is 14 years old and anorexic.  The parents have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on getting her treated.  She has manipulated the mother into a near breakdown by telling her stuff like, "If you don't get me a new laptop, then I won't eat."  The other parent who was there has a daughter who is an alcoholic and a sex addict.  The daughter is now pregnant, has stopped drinking but is still a sex addict.

My sponsee and I shared about why we came to Al-Anon.  And as I was listening to what we were sharing, it occurred to me that garden variety alcoholism is getting rarer and rarer these days.  Most of the newcomers are dealing with relatives or friends with multiple addictions--tonight a food (or lack of) addiction and sex addiction.  Although I can't identify with these addictions, it is good that the message of the program is the same--to take care of yourself, to detach with love, to have compassion for those sick and suffering, and to realize that we can't control the behavior of another. 

The regular meeting was good with a speaker who shared her experience, strength, and hope.  Like so many who have come to be in recovery,  we have learned to open up and to share.  She said that this was the first time that she had shared her story.  And it was a rough week because she was fired from a job and had been obsessing about that.  A crisis had come into her life that was requiring her to take it one hour at a time. But focusing on sharing her story had helped her to get out of self-pity and focus on gratitude.  A coincidence?  I don't think so.  I think it was her Higher Power who brought the events together this week--a crisis that was helped by doing service.

Her story made me realize how fortunate I am to have met the people I have and to count them as friends.  We said good bye to a member tonight who is moving out of the state.  She has been a bright light in the program.  I would not have known her, come to count her as a friend, had it not been for Al-Anon.  And the same can be said for all those who I encounter in this program.  I went from someone who felt that I had no friends to a person who can pick up the phone and call any number of people who will be there for me.  And I will be there for them.  That is an awesome thing.

And there are the people who I have met through blogs.  I may not know you face to face, but you provide a way for me to feel included in your lives.  You share things in your writings that make me feel as if I know you.  And by doing so, I feel that I have come to care about you and what happens in your life.  We are all interconnected by what we share.  We dare to put ourselves out here, to lay ourselves bare and express our joys and sorrows.  Do you realize how special that is?  I think that it is really a rarety in society.  But for us in recovery, it is part of what makes us heal.

Now that I have shared my warm, fuzzy feelings for you, it's time to cozy up next to C. She has been reading and listening to me typing away on the laptop.  I think that I'll tell her just how warm and fuzzy she makes me feel too.

A human tidepool

One of my favorite books is Steinbeck and Rickett's Log from the Sea of Cortez. For a biologist, it's a wonderful book. Ed Rickett's was an interesting fellow. Steinbeck used a lot of who Rickett's was in his great book Cannery Row, another favorite. Ed Rickett's worked in a wooden building, positioned between canneries. He stored the specimens he sold to school labs -- frogs and cats and the tiny marine creatures he collected during hours spent in the tide pools off Monterey. Ricketts was a character who more or less lived in his lab and in the company of caged snakes. He liked wine, women and song and he liked to philosophize. Steinbeck said the novel should be read as if set in a human tidepool teaming with life, fascinating in all its aspects.

Ed Ricketts made his first appearance in Steinbeck's 1935 short story "The Snake": "It was almost dark when young Dr. Phillips swung his sack to his shoulder and left the tidepool. He climbed up over the rocks and squashed along the street in his rubber boots. The street lights were on by the time he arrived at his little commercial laboratory on cannery street in Monterey." When I visited the Monterey aquarium, I spent about an hour standing at the exhibit about Ed Ricketts.  It fascinated me to be able to see photos of this interesting larger-than-life character. 

Ricketts followed a live-in-the-moment philosophy and he viewed everything as interrelated parts of a whole. This worldview also set Ed Ricketts apart from his peers in the world of marine biology. He was an ecologist who placed the organism in its natural habitat and looked at the relationship with the habitat. In 1939, Ricketts published an elegantly written textbook called Between Pacific Tides.

Steinbeck and Ricketts were not only friends, they were collaborators. Steinbeck and Ricketts embarked on a six-week marine expedition to the Gulf of California. During the trip, which covered 4,000 miles of coastline, they discovered 35 new marine species. The following year, the book based on their expedition, Sea of Cortez, was published.

Tragically, Ricketts died at the age of 50 when his car was hit by a train. In Cannery Row, Steinbeck left behind a poignant epitaph: "Doc would listen to any kind of nonsense and change it for you into a kind of wisdom. His mind had no horizon and his sympathy had no warp."

The quote that I put below sums up a great philosophy on life. It's about living life and not being afraid to venture forth, sometimes into unknown territory. I hadn't read the passage in several years and every time that I do, it resonates with me because I know and feel what they are writing about. Fear is an awful thing because it holds you back. It's a straight-jacket on the soul.

I guess that I'm in a great mood, albeit philosophical, because I've just gotten off the boat.  I seem to feel better when I've been out on the water.  And I walked several times on the beach each day, looking to see what had washed up.  There is usually something exciting about what the tide brings.

"We sat on a crate of oranges and thought what good men most biologists are, the tenors of the scientific world - temperamental, moody, lecherous, loud-laughing, and healthy. Once in a while one comes on the other kind - what used in the university to be called a `dry-ball'- but such men are not really biologists. They are the embalmers of the field, the picklers who see only the preserved form of life without any of its principle. Out of their own crusted minds they create a

world wrinkled with formaldehyde. The true biologist deals with life, with teeming boisterous life, and learns something from it, learns that the first rule of life is living. The dry-balls cannot possibly learn a thing every starfish knows in the core of his soul and in the vesicles between his rays. He must, so know the starfish and the student biologist who sits at the feet of living things, proliferate in all directions. Having certain tendencies, he must move along their lines to the limit of their potentialities. And we have known biologists who did proliferate in all directions: one or two have had a little trouble about it. Your true biologist will sing you a song as loud and off-key as will a blacksmith, for he knows that morals are too often diagnostic of prostatitis and stomach ulcers. Sometimes he may proliferate a little too much in all directions, but he is as easy to kill as any other organism, and meanwhile he is very good company, and at least he does

not confuse a low hormone productivity with moral ethics.

-- J. Steinbeck & E.F. Ricketts,

Log from the Sea of Cortez.

Mooning you

A really nice day here--good for floating on the raft, listening to music, watching the sun go down and the full moon rise.








I have thought a lot about E.'s family today. His funeral is on Friday. The driver was a 21 year old woman. It wasn't her fault. But she will no doubt be affected terribly by this too.

I stopped cycling several years ago. I used to do some serious rides--30 miles at a clip, a few centuries--and all with others in a pace line. The traffic was just starting to get crazy.

On a noon time ride I was hit in the back of the head with a bottle thrown by a teenaged boy. We chased the truck down as it went through neighborhoods. He dropped off his girlfriend and sped off. But a group of us knocked on her door, asked for his name and number, got it, and I called to tell the little shit that he had assaulted me. I talked to his dad and said that I would not press charges. The kid had his truck taken away for a week. My father would have taken it away for good and made me walk. But those were different times.

Not long after this I quit riding. Each of us had some kind of incident. Several resulted in broken bones. The price just got too high. Now it is a case of taking your life in your hands riding on the roads here.

So I do most of my exercising in the gym, with the rowing team, and on the boat. Tonight we limbered up by danced on the boat to some old Chuck Berry tunes. There was a lot of dancing on boats this weekend. Young women dancing on the bow to rap music, most of it about "ho's and bitches". Squirting booze down their throats with turkey basters. Who comes up with this stuff? Give them ten years and they will be in the rooms if they're lucky.

After the "gin and juice" crowd left, we had canned ravioli and a salad because our gas regulator broke on the stove. And when the moon rose we hung the camp shower and took a fresh water shower. That felt so good after all the sun and salt water on our bodies.

Now it is almost time to go to sleep. The moonlight is shining on the water turning it to liquid silver. Maybe the moon is mooning you as well. Sweet dreams.

A split second

Sadly, this morning a member of our rowing group died from injuries he received Wednesday in a tragic accident. E. was an avid cyclist who rode his bicycle around the city.

After rowing on Wednesday morning, he was riding down one of the city streets when he collided with an SUV. He was dragged 15 feet under the vehicle and sustained severe injuries. It's not known for sure what caused the collision, but E. was an expert cyclist. Possibly, he swerved to avoid a pothole. He didn't regain consciousness.

It's hard to explain what a good guy he was--enthusiastic about everything, intelligent, active in the community, and so knowledgeable about boats. Ironically, he has advocated for safer roadways on behalf of cyclists.



The last time I saw him, we had a good row and were in a festive mood. His daughter was there and he was teaching her to row. His little girl was the light of his life. I am wondering how a mother goes about telling her child that her beloved father is dead and won't be with her in this life. I cannot imagine such sadness.

I think somehow about how life and death play out in a split second. Maybe if the traffic light had been delayed, maybe if the driver had slowed down, maybe if there had been a slit second difference in timing due to some variable, he might still be alive. It comes down to fate or something much deeper that none of us understand.

All I know is a bright light has been extinguished.

What does letting go mean?

To LET GO does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To LET GO is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To LET GO is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To LET GO is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To LET GO is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To LET GO is not to care for, but to care about.
To LET GO is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To LET GO is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To LET GO is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To LET GO is not to deny, but to accept.
To LET GO is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.|
To LET GO is to fear less, and love more.

Letting go is hard to understand when it comes to people that we love.  At first, it seemed almost impossible to free my mind of the obsessions over what the alcoholic was doing, whether she was drinking, how she was doing in recovery.  I wanted so badly for her to get sober and be recovered.  I wanted so badly that I forgot to look at what I was doing and how insane my behavior was.

Remember the old tug of war game? Well, I was pulling as hard as I could on the rope, trying to drag her to recovery through manipulative control tactics. In the tug of war game, if I pull hard on the rope, the other person will pull hard also, trying to offset my balance or pull me over the line. This analogy isn't unlike what happens when dealing with an alcoholic. I tug hard and pull with all my might but I meet with strong resistance. The harder I pull, the more resistance I'm likely to meet until one of us goes over the line or falls down.  What I've learned is that I can't win a tug of war with the alcoholic.

So I had to do something else. And that was to let go of the rope.  The 3 A's of Al-Anon have helped me with the concept of letting go. These are Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

I was well aware that something wasn't good in my relationship with the alcoholic. I knew that I wanted to do everything in my power to make her stop drinking. But what I was doing wasn't helping.  I eventually became aware that maybe I was the problem,  and that I was not happy with myself.  As my awareness heightened, so did my discomfort with the life I was living.

And with my heightened awareness, I was ready to accept that I had a problem. I also began to accept that my wife had a disease which I was powerless over.  I accepted that my attempts to control her alcoholism did nothing but make the problem worse.  So I came to realize that she had a right to her own recovery, the right to walk her own path, and the right to make her own choices. I learned that it was my ego that wanted to take charge and tell another to live the way I expected them to. 

Once I was able to accept that I could not fix or change another,  I was able to take action through the steps of Al-Anon.  Once I accepted that alcoholism is a disease, I no longer tried to control or cure it. Instead I began to use prayer, meditation, detachment, boundaries and self-inventory to change my own behavior.

It took me many years before I was fully aware that something was terribly wrong in the relationship, and it took me even longer to accept that the problem was alcoholism and to then get to the point where I could take action to change how I reacted to the alcoholic.  I let go by understanding that I can't fix anyone else, God can, so I'll let Him.

Let me live until I die

I have been lazy today. Well, I did get some things done. I ran some errands, paid some bills, and spent a lot of time looking on my favorite eye candy site Yacht World.

Yes, I have the bug back about getting a bigger sailboat. So I read up on several of my favorites like Shannon, Valiant, Cape Dory, Hallburg-Rassey, Island Packet and others. I also talked to a yacht surveyor today about doing a survey of a 36 foot Cape Dory that I have had my eye on at one of the local marinas.

I have this notion that I want to do some coastal cruising, like head up to Cape Cod. Some of this seafaring lust may be coming from a great desire to escape the heat. Lord, it has been really awful here this week. Who wouldn't want to go on a cruise to northern climes in this weather.

But like with most dreams, reality has to settle in. The surveyor has some concerns about the age of the boat. She was built in 1979 which means that she has a few years on her parts. And I have nothing against a tried and true beauty with some age, but when you hear words like blistered skin, old cracks, and hours of use...well, it takes a bit of the fervor out of my desire.

I'm not giving up on her but have decided to have her tested thoroughly before I propose. Jumping into a relationship with this boat could be like a marriage. So I had best gather as much information as possible and not get too carried away.

And maybe that is what I have mostly done all my life--get the information before getting carried away. Well, I know that I failed to do that with my wife and look at where we are--still married after the many naysayers said that our being together was doomed to failure. And most of them are divorced. Miracles never cease.

If I don't venture forth and take some risks in this life, it seems pretty boring. I can come up with many reasons to take the safe route in life, relationships, jobs, and many other things. But somehow that seems to be less and less appealing as I get older. I am beginning to think that the old prayer of "Lord, let me live until I die" makes a lot more sense.

I have spent enough time doing what had to be done, and I have had a really good time doing some exciting things with my work. But I won't be one who wants to dream from an arm chair. I want to be out there living and doing.

We'll see how my dreams of the boat go. Maybe this old girl won't be the one, but there are lots of beauties out there. One of them might just have what it takes for us to have a serious love affair. In the meantime, I am planning to live as much as I can each day. And find time to explore other dreams as well.

Drinking a cup of sorrow

I saw grief drinking a cup
of sorrow and called out,
"It tastes sweet, does it not?"
"You've caught me," grief answered,
"and you've ruined my business.
How can I sell sorrow,
when you know it's a blessing.?"
Rumi

There were newcomers at the meeting tonight. The topic was about the blessings that are in our lives.  It's hard to see the blessings through a veil of tears.  I know that the newcomers are wondering how sorrow could ever be a blessing. But eventually, after some time spent in meetings, listening so hard and hanging on every word, the message begins to sink in: I am blessed to have felt such sorrow because without the pain, I would not have found the light.

The sorrow that used to paralyse me and knot my stomach in anxiety has given way to so much gratitude.  And the true gratitude that takes some years to feel is that the sorrow which brought me here has become a blessing.  

I used to wonder how it would be possible to feel gratitude for that which hurt me.  Alcoholism does hurt, and it takes many prisoners.  I was one of the lucky ones who eventually became aware that there was a way to break free of the chains of the disease.  I realize that my years of being locked in by self-doubt, fear, anger, and resentment taught me about resiliency, hope, and love.  Loving an alcoholic is the great enigma because what I loved so dearly was what also hurt me.  

So my blessing today is that the sorrow brought me into recovery,  and when that enlightenment came into my life,  the darkness moved further away.  

Crazy stunts

I am totally exhausted.  Every bone in my body aches.   I rode on a jet ski for the first time in my life and did some wave surfing with some friends of ours who stopped by the sailboat in the early afternoon.  They were going around to the ocean side of the island and jump some waves.  They asked C. and me to go along.

Well, I have to say that it was an exhilarating time.  Not only did my butt jump about 3 feet up in the air when we were riding the waves, but we ended up capsizing the jet ski when we were heading through the waves coming back.  That probably wasn't so funny which is why I think that wearing a helmet is a good idea when doing these stunts.


I am pretty much a dare devil when it comes to doing things like this.   I cannot resist the exhiliration of acting like a teenager--driving too fast (we got up to 60 mph on the ski), doing wheelies, and leaping waves which reminded me of aquatic motocross.  But I am paying for all this fun tonight.  We also sailed back after the jet ski excursion so we had a full day of water sports.

I definitely think that it's time to take a couple of Motrin and hit the bed.  Who knows---maybe kite boarding is next.  The bucket list may have just lengthened a bit!

Tonight's gratitude:

• That I am still young at heart even though I can feel a few aches and pains now
• That I did not lose my teeth or get knocked out when a big wave broad sided the jet ski and I went flying
• That we could meet up with friends from the fellowship on the water who just happened to come by
• That being tired and relaxed is a good thing and much better than feeling anxious and worried. 
• That sun, beach, waves, and sailing make for a good day. 

Now I'd better be off to take those Motrin.  Have a good evening.

Calm before the storm

The Massachusetts 54th held a re-enactment Friday of the battle of Battery Wagner on the island. Last year we attended the ceremony which was quite moving.

While we didn't get here in time for the ceremony this year, we did look at the wreath that was placed in memory of those soldiers who died in the battle. The 54th was a group of black men who bravely fought to take the Confederate battery that was firing on Union ships and other Union troops near the mouth of the harbor.

If you saw the movie Glory then you know that the fate of the 54th was death. They were slaughtered here. That is one if the reasons that I have such respect for this place. It is hallowed ground.



Many years after the "Wawah" as it is spoken of locally, the bones of the dead continued to be unearthed by erosion. Now much of the island has washed away and taken with it the bricks, mortar and bones. Now it is a place where revelers come to play and party during the day, most probably not mindful of what occurred here.

But when sunset comes, they pack up their picnics, beer cans, games, and kids to head home. That's when we are the only ones left on the island. It is a feeling of solitude and much gratitude to be at this place where the birds soar, the dolphins roam and the sea oats sway. The people who leave miss the best part of the day i think.

The sun setting on the desolate beach is my favorite time. No need to say much because we both know no words are needed. I can't help but wonder what final sunset those soldiers watched before battle. What were their thoughts? I suppose they thought of their loved ones. I hope there was some calm in their hearts and minds before the fateful orders were given.


We took the dinghy back to the boat, had dinner and then went to sleep. Around 11 PM, I awoke to howling winds. A severe thunderstorm warning had come up, with possible winds of 50-60 mph. So I took the boom tent down, put the jib in its sailbag and waited for the storm which never came. There was a lot of lightening in the distance and dark clouds around but the really heavy wind and rain skirted the island.

I drifted off to sleep eventually thinking of the soldiers whose dead eyes looked heavenward so many years ago.

Pluck Yew

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to those erudite readers in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

PS--So it isn't true but a good joke nonetheless. And anything between the French and English gets my attention.

Evening

The sun just went down. It has been a nice day here with a good breeze on the water. We sailed out with the tide and then caught the incoming back in.

I just took the old Labrador to shore for her evening walk on the beach. She gets into the dinghy like a pro. When she gets to shore I lift her out and she checks all her pee mail and then leaves a few messages of her own. She enjoys the intact males the most and will flirt like a bitch in heat with them. Then she loses interest and walks away. She is heartless when it comes to the neutered boys. They get no attention from her. Very much like humans I suppose.

We haven't had dinner yet but will start cooking soon. C. is not a vegetarian so she will have steak. I will grill a couple of Boca burgers for me. We have a good fresh salad, some garlic couscous, and fruit for dessert.

Once while I was walking on the beach some people we know were staying the night on their power boat. The wife turned to C. and said "Well, we don't stay on the boat much because it's hard to cook on the stove and the shower is small. I don't know how much room you have but our 28 feet isn't very big". I had to smile when C. said in reply,"Well, we cook on a camp stove and shower with a solar heated camp shower. The boat has no more room than what you see. But we enjoy the closeness and the feeling of camping out." And this weekend we will be here for four days. Lots of closeness and camping out.


I especially like nightfall on the boat. It is quiet and the power boaters have left. We can hear the ocean waves crashing on the beach. And the occasional bird will sing as the light fades. The dolphins have been feeding this afternoon and were herding fish to shore as the tide went out. They followed us as we were sailing. Maybe they like the sound of the keel "singing" as we move through the water.

I am glad that the oil has stopped pouring out of the well in the Gulf. Glad that restoration efforts can now be front and center. Hopeful that some semblance of recovery is beginning. I am thankful for this evening and the three of us being together in our little piece of paradise.

Distorted thinking

I seem to be posting a lot of heavy stuff this week.  I do plan to lighten up for the weekend. Yesterday's post brought about some good comments.  I want to address one by Mary LA who wrote: "But what about the distorted thinking and voice of the codependent who is obsessed with that alcoholism? That makes me equally chilled. Those who don't want the alcoholic/addict to get better."

I think that co-dependency is something that starts at a very young age.  It probably starts with repression of feelings in which a child has to "walk on egg shells" around a dysfunctional family member.  For me, that was my dad.  My mother covered up and denied there was anything wrong. So there was really not much honesty in feelings or trust within the family.  Everything seemed to be "swept under the rug."

Consequently, the stress mounts and the child learns to be anxious.  And along with the stress and anxiety, some unhealthy ways of survival are learned.  One of those ways to survive is to deny one's own feelings.  So instead of basing self-worth on my own feelings and actions, I began to base my self-worth on the opinions, needs, and moods of the person I wanted to please.  In my case, it was my father. 

As Mary noted in her comment, the co-dependent person may actually feel more depressed and unhappy once the alcoholic is sober.  I think here of Lois who was so angry that Bill W. was attending AA meetings. She finally threw her shoe at him in a fit of rage and yelled, "Damn your old meetings." 

This type of crazy thinking, fueled by anger, was what got me into Al-Anon.  I knew that I was angry, empty, worn out, and emotionally bankrupt.  I was using very unhealthy thinking to relate to other people.  These included:

Denial--I deny my own needs and feelings at the expense of others.  I don't know what I feel and can change or minimize my feelings in an instant.  I can be who you want me to be.   

Low Self Esteem-- What you think of me is more important than what I think of myself.  I don't feel worthwhile or lovable.  I am afraid to say what I want to do because it may not be what you want. I judge myself fiercely and come up short.  I feel undeserving of compliments and nice gestures. I give sex when looking for love.  I am loyal to the point that I stay in destructive relationships.  I don't assert my own values because I want to avoid the anger and rejection of others.  I am overly sensitive to what others feel and adopt their mood as my own.

Control-- I resent it when my offers to help you are refused.  I use sex to get your acceptance and love. I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.  I have a need to feel needed before I can have a relationship. I go overboard with gifts and help for those I care about, thinking that the gift will extract a promise from you.  I think that others aren't capable of taking care of themselves.  I tell others how they should think and feel.  I offer suggestions and advice without being asked.

So the distorted thinking of the co-dependent in the relationship is very sick.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust. It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon or ACOA.  If it hadn't been for my wife's alcoholism and my own sickness, as well as God's grace, I would still be a walking shell.  I am grateful to be where I am today--in recovery and still moving forward with a deepening understanding of myself and my Higher Power.

A conversation that I had

This is a conversation that I had the other day with a double winner (an alcoholic who also goes to Al-Anon) in the program.  He and I were talking about how the minds of alcoholics/addicts are so different from that of the non-alcoholic.  So we did a little role playing which is something he does with his sponsees who are in Al-Anon to get them to see how the alcoholic thinks.  In the role playing A is the alcoholic and M is me.  I came away feeling that the energy vampire had sucked the air right out of me.  Maybe after reading this, you will see why. 

A: I really want you to be with me and I do appreciate all that you do for me.  I love you for that, but because you have so much power over me, I hate you as well.

M: But how can there be hate and love combined?  It doesn't seem that these two strong emotions can actually co-exist. And how could you hate me? I have always been there for you.

A. They exist for me because I don't want to lose you.  You provide me with the things that I need. I don't want to do for myself and realize that without your being here, I would have to get a job, take responsibility, pay bills, and get honest.  When you do things for me,  it reminds me that I don't want to do for myself and I feel bad.  I resent all that you do.  And that makes me come to hate you for doing things for me.

M. So you are saying that I need to let you go and leave you to your own devices?

A.  That is what you should do but you won't.  I only have to crook my finger,  say a few things about what a pathetic victim I am and you will come running to help me.  Then I have you hooked again, just like a fish on the line.  And that is how I keep you hooked.  But by continuing to do for me, you are actually killing me.  And making me resent you more.

M. So if I don't fall for your self-pity, your whining, your manipulations and let you be, what will you do?

A. I will immediately begin to look for someone else that I can dupe into helping me.  There are hundreds of loyal and committed people out there.  I will look around and find one just like you and begin to use him just as I have you.  You are a dime a dozen.

M. So what we have together would simply vanish?  None of the past would matter.

A. I might feel some regrets, but I have to survive and the only way that I can do that is to find another person who is willing to be there for me.  I simply move on to hook in the next person and the next person after that.  I don't want to take any responsibility and why should I when you take it all.

M. Can any of this change? Is there any hope?

A. There is hope but it would require that I become honest and I am constitutionally incapable of that.  I have no conscience when it comes to getting what I need.  And you have no ability to understand how I think, so don't even try.  You will never beat me at my game because I don't care about your goodness and what you do.  I only care about getting what I need.

M. This really makes me feel sad and sick inside.  I know these things in my heart but hearing them put so brutally is hard.

A. Try being me sometime.  I want to be like you but can't make a move to do anything for myself. I am afraid to ask for help,  I am afraid to get a sponsor,  I won't work the steps because I would have to look at myself.  No one will hire me for a job because I have no skills.  My circle of friends is getting smaller.  The meetings I go to aren't the way that I want them to be.  Nothing is the way that I want it to be.  So I simply wait for you to come along and take care of things for me.

M. I don't think that I can live with so much self-hate and negativity.

A. Then why do you stay?  You would do us both a favor if you would just go.

After I had this conversation, I physically felt shaken.  This is how the non-recovering alcoholic thinks.  And this is the way that I not only kill him but also slowly kill my own spirit.  Heavy, really heavy stuff.

Fully self supporting

The Seventh Tradition says that we are self-supporting through our own contributions.  I understand the financial aspect of that as it relates to meetings and every day life.  But there are some other aspects of being self-supporting that are worth considering.

Being fully self-supporting means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

I have wasted a lot of years taking care of others' business, especially that of the alcoholic in my life.  I gave and gave, martyring myself, and then building a resentment when what I had done wasn't appreciated or acknowledged. 

No one ever did anything to me that I didn't let happen.  And I've had to come to terms with the fact that the things I let the people I love the most do to me were those things that I would never have tolerated in a colleague or casual acquaintance.  So one of my solutions is to be wary of those who are toxic for me.  Not every one can be a true friend.  But I can't run everyone off because my spirit is one that has a desire to be with others.  

I've often thought that it would be nice to not need others and to truly be fully self-supporting.  But in the long run, the words "No man is an island" comes to mind. I know that I do need others in my life and that isolation for me isn't a healthy thing.  It is okay to let the drawbridge down and allow others to enter my domain.  I can just be a bit choosy about who I let in.  What I have to remember is that the support that I receive that is the most dependable is from my Higher Power and those within the Al-Anon fellowship. 

Another aspect of being fully self-supporting is that I don't have to be all things to all people. I can still be a good soul today without having to be a husband, friend, counselor, therapist, problem solver for anyone else.  And I don't have to expect those things from others.  I can let go of any expectations that I have and simply take what I like and leave the rest. 

So in the long run,  I am fully self-supporting with a few caveats:  1) I need others in my life but can not impose my expectations on them; 2) I need a Higher Power in my life because it is my soul and spirit that support me; and 3) I am part of a whole--I don't need to be everything without asking for anything.  I can ask for what I need and in doing so, I become apart of and not separated from. 

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

The retirement gig

The retirement life is going well.  I occasionally will go to bed thinking that the alarm will go off at 5:30 AM.  And then I stop...and remember...that I don't have to get up that early anymore. 

So instead, I slept in this morning until 7 AM.  I stumbled out to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. I read the newspaper.  C. and I talked about what we were going to do today, but after looking at the temperature and the stormy weather forecast, we had a change of plans.  So we went back to bed and solved a few things there.

I then checked email and went over some blogs.  A sponsee called and we chatted.  I thought about doing something really productive but decided that it was okay to read a book.  I have this nagging feeling that I am slumping into something that is close to indulgent.  I actually get to choose what I want to do each day.  That is a real change from all the conditioned response of doing what others wanted me to do or what I felt that I "should" do. 

A lot of my recent days have been concentrated on recovery activities.  But the bucket list seems to be looming.  What about those things that I am wanting to do: painting, guitar, German and French?  I haven't made a bit of progress towards them.  I am a goal oriented person so I'm wondering if that is the reason that I feel a bit guilt ridden over having a few aimless days.  Maybe I'm afraid that the things on my bucket list won't get done and that I'll fall into the complacency trap. 

All I know is that I have to take a shower and get ready to go to my home group meeting tonight. Maybe I'll have some more brilliant insights on this slovenly life I'm leading before too long.  Let's hope so because this lack of focus is killing me.

Lightening

Last night the heavens opened up and rain poured down in torrents. It was a welcome respite from the oppressive heat.

We were invited to dinner at the house of a couple we met during one of our sailing adventures. They have a sailboat and enjoy going out for several nights at a time as we do.

We had a great dinner with them and their 11 year old son. All was going well with good conversation about a variety of things. We talked about the recent work done on the boat, about their son's math and science prizes, and about how to cook fish on the grill. Nothing heavy, just amiable talk.

Right before we ate, the husband F. received several phone calls. He left the kitchen each time the phone rang in order to have a private conversation. I noticed that his wife was becoming a bit agitated after each call. One time she looked at me and rolled her eyes.

After dinner and before we could help with the dishes, F. said that he had to "go help his brother with his van". It was now 9 PM. He almost ran out the door into pouring rain, thunder and lightening. His wife S. looked dismayed. We felt really awkward. She said that she hoped we would stay until F. came home.

So we sat there with her, helped her boy with his jigsaw puzzle, and eventually watched a movie. About two and a half hours later, just as the movie had ended, the husband came home. He was affable still but now was red faced and smelling strongly of booze.

Now it was getting close to midnight. I could tell that the conversation was getting forced with the wife. She seemed ill at ease. After he made a few crude comments, we said that we had best be getting on the road. So we took our leave and drove home with the rain pouring down.

We didn't say much on the way home. Both of us felt the joy had been sucked out of the evening. The agitation, the embarrassing looks, and the disappointment were all too familiar to us. The lightening had stopped, but I think we both knew it had already struck that family. I absolutely hate the disease of alcoholism.

Heat wave

It is really hot here. Last week's reasonable temperatures gave way to a heat index of 116 yesterday. I decided not to go on the boat. It is just too much when there is little wind and melting heat.

So yesterday I did some cleaning up. We are gradually going through some things and selling or giving away stuff that hasn't been used in a long time. This is a delicate process because some of these things bring up some great memories.

One of the "finds" was a vintage Fender Bass Man tube amplifier. It hasn't been out from under a protective cover in a while. So last night I plugged it in, warmed it up and played the acoustic bass. What a sound this amp puts out. It is one of those things that's hard to describe--deep, rich and booming come to mind.



Funny how these things like the Fender amp can take you right back to that time so many years ago when life and the priorities were at a completely different place.

Time can go by so quickly. I may one day decide that I have had enough adventures on the boat and it will be sold. What I am getting at is that me
memories are made each day. And the history of our past is chronicled by the things we deemed important, the writings we do, and the images that are etched in photos and in the mind. And so it has been throughout time.

So even though I can only live one day at a time, I can make a memory that will be around for years. Just another reminder to make each day count.

Are you a giver or a taker?

When this topic was brought up at a meeting, I immediately knew which category I fell into. I have been the giver.  Or at least that is how I thought of myself.  I would be the one who would do for others, go the extra mile at work and at home. And as a result I would end up being pissed if I didn't get recognized for all that I did.

I was taught at a young age that it was better to give than receive.  I was told that an "only child" could be perceived as spoiled but that wasn't going to be my lot.  I was to think of others first and then think of myself.  And this is where I learned to give.

I learned that being a giver and a pleaser was much better than being a demanding taker.  If I was not demanding, then I didn't cause problems for teachers, for friends, for parents and so on.  I remember the shock and dismay when I thought in fourth grade that one of my teachers didn't like me.  I did my best to please her, but none of that seemed to work.  What I have come to realize is that she didn't dislike me at all.  She simply didn't cater to me and my people pleasing. 

My fourth step inventory showed me that my giving was really done to get what I wanted.  So if I wanted to be liked, I would give in hopes of getting something in return. But when one has expectations of a payback for all the giving, and then receives little in return, it doesn't take long for a big resentment to develop.

In a relationship with an alcoholic who often is a taker of the self-centered and narcissistic variety,  the tug of war is bound to happen.   Somewhere along the way, the giver in me got worn out and the taker came in to balance the books.

Fortunately in recovery, there have been some role reversals. I am no longer the manipulative giver that I was.  I have learned to flip the tape and ask for what I need.  Being in this relationship is about balance.  And the alcoholic in my life is no longer the taker but a willing and generous giver. 

The giver/taker attraction is strong in a co-dependent relationship.  Some of the things that I have learned in recovery have helped with changing how we relate to each other.  I have learned to focus on myself and my needs.   I have lowered my expectations so that I don't expect anything in return when I give.  I can take what I like and leave the rest in a relationship.  I can inventory my part and be aware when giving creates a resentment in me and my partner.  The little things that are given are often the most important.  The roles of giver and taker are fluid and not static.  

Maybe the real solution comes when the two of us realize that we are both getting something from each other with unconditional love as the unspoken goal. 

Prayer and meditation

I have been giving quite a bit of thought to taking classes on Buddhism at the nearby Dharma Center.  The classes won't start until September so I will continue to turn this over in my mind.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but somehow there seems to be a connection between Buddhist teachings and principles of the 12 steps.  

Improving my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation is something that I am interested in doing.  I do a lot of meditating on the boat, but find that when I am back on land and get caught up in my daily routine, I have a more difficult time.  Clearly meditation is an important part of recovery and my spiritual growth.  It puts my mind at ease, takes away a lot of my fear, and enhances my entire well being. 

I am intrigued that several bloggers have shared how well Buddhism aligns with recovery.  And I happened across the following that I thought was interesting.  These are the 12 Steps of Liberation:

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.  An excerpt from Darren Littlejohn’s “The Twelve Step Buddhist"
    

I am curious whether you have some experience with how your understanding and practicing of Buddhist teachings has helped with your recovery.  I am interested in learning as much as I can prior to signing up for these classes in September.  

Going to the Gulf?

The invisible ocean has given you such abundance,
but still you call it "death",
that which provides you sustenance and work.  
from Rumi

I talked with a colleague yesterday who has been working down in the Gulf of Mexico with scientific sampling related to the oil gusher crisis. She said that people like me were needed down there and urged me to send my resume to her so that she could pass it along to the research coordinators. She said that the work was hellish due to the heat and the unfathomable difficulties of such an ecological disaster.

I think that it is something that I could help with, from editing and reviewing proposals to doing field work on water quality and benthic ecology. If my expertise is needed it would require month long hitches working in Louisiana. I haven't discussed this with my wife yet. And I will clearly need to do that before sending in my resume. I have a sense that it will be important to see with my own eyes what is going on. And as I have learned in Al-Anon, I strive to work to effect a solution instead of obsessing about the problem.

After being on a pristine beach and surrounded by unspoiled estuaries over the past few days, I am indeed grateful to have been in the most beautiful "temple" that I know.  But I am ever mindful that the situation could be very different. The shrimper towing his nets could instead be towing an oil boom. The pelicans riding the thermals could be flopping in a sea of oil unable to fly. The dolphins following the sailboat could be gasping for breath and dying.

It could all change in the blink of an eye. I am not taking anything for granted. These ecosystems and indeed life itself is ephemeral and fragile. Guard it well.

We ourselves have created the ecological conditions that are strangling us. Think of that: no one has done it to us--we humans have done it to ourselves. Ram Dass

The day after

The photo above is from last year on the Fourth. We, along with a group of friends called in, picked up around a thousand pounds of beer cans, bottles, clothing and other litter. After that debacle there was a lot of media attention about littering here. Signs were posted and marine patrol stepped up their work on the beach and water near the island.

We weren't sure what this year would bring in terms of littering, but somehow I didn't think it would be a problem.

And the photo above is from this year. There were a few cans and some cigarette butts. But the wild frat party atmosphere did not happen.



And this sums up what we both feel today: peaceful, relaxed and happy. It has been a nice day and the great thing is that it isn't over yet.

We had a fabulous sunset and a great walk on the beach. Now it's time to cook dinner and do some reading before bedtime. Troubles may come tomorrow, but today is truly serene.

Happy Birthday to us

What a nice celebration today was. We sailed back to the marina around noon. There were a lot of boats heading for the island as we were leaving. I'm hoping they packed their trash with them so we don't have to clean up a lot tomorrow.

A bunch of people from the dock were having a cook out. We enjoyed the communal pig out. Lots of great food: BBQ, grilled fish, ribs, baked beans, cole slaw, watermelon, berry cobbler and many more items to choose from.

At dark, the fireworks started. It was quite a show. We were right next to the blast off site. Our old dog went below to avoid the noise. Too bad there weren't any doggy earplugs, but she is snoring now.

There was a young girl at the party who was having a fight with her boyfriend. She cried during dinner and was sitting crying during the fireworks. My wife went over to talk to her. The young woman had too much to drink and said that she was so ashamed. She said her boyfriend was treating her badly and yet she loved him and did so much for him. I told C. that it sounded like another co-dependent relationship. Hopefully, she will realize sooner than later that she can't make someone else love her. Such a sad young woman.

All in all it turned out to be a great Fourth. Happy birthday to us. I wonder if the founding fathers could have possibly visualized where we are today. I also wonder what they would have thought.

The view

This is the view from my bedroom "window" this morning. It is a fabulous morning with low humidity and temperatures in the mid 60's. We slept with a light blanket over us last night. I revel in this weather.

And my spirit revels in this place, on the water, with the beach close enough for a short row to get there. It is a sacred place to me--the site of a fierce Civil War battle and the site now of so much peace.

I reveled in dinner last night which was grilled blackened mahi-mahi, garlic couscous and panek paneer. Dessert was some blacberry cobbler pictured below.


I am happy to be back on the boat. And I am grateful for this beautiful day. It is a day to revel in life.

Immediate solutions

Today I awoke to peaceful rain coming down.  It was pouring when I left to go to the noon meeting.  There weren't many people there today but it was still good.  There really aren't too many bad meetings that I've attended.

After the meeting,  I left to meet up with a couple of sponsees.    One of the fellows is working on Step Nine.  He is doing well and has put a lot of energy into working on recovery.   He is going through a  rough time right now with his marriage and is holding on for dear life to this raft of recovery.  Amazing how we can float to quiet waters by using the tools of the program. 

The other sponsee has had a lot of excuses lately.  For some it takes some time to get honest and to really want to do the work once the pain of living with active alcoholism has been removed.  All anyone wants initially is to feel better.  Sometimes feeling better can be like removing a splinter from under our skin--I think that the immediate solution is great because the pain is gone, but there still may be some infection that I need to take care of. 

When we first come to Al-Anon, the alcoholic is seen as the immediate source of pain. I, like many others, focused anger and frustration on her.  But I came to see that I needed to look at myself and my attitudes.  What were my motives for staying in a bad situation?  Who was making me accept unacceptable behavior? I had to work to change my attitude.  And in doing so I learned about my own self-worth and grew spiritually.  The emphasis eventually was lifted from the alcoholic and placed where it needed to be--on me. 

Al-Anon has been like a salve that I put on my wounded spirit.  I am glad that I got the full treatment. As it's read in a meeting: "Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it".  I may not be cured but at least for now I am on the road to recovery.