Full day today

I have a full day today.  And sad to say, I woke up with a wracking sinus headache.  I have taken a sinus headache medicine hoping to stop the pain that makes my head throb. It feels as if my forehead is pulsating which isn't cool.

I am hoping the headache will be gone before I meet a sponsee for lunch.  After that I was going to visit some friends and then go to two meetings tonight.  Right now, I'm not sure that I even want to finish typing this post. 

I did get the garden planted but still have to put some seeds in the ground.  That will wait until tomorrow.  I keep thinking of Arnold in Kindergarten Cop saying "It's naht a toomah".  And I don't really want to laugh because that does hurt!

So I'm going to put down the computer and see if I can get rid of this pain in my head.  Catching up with you later hopefully.

I don't want to be all things to all people

I have been attending a study group that is currently focusing on the traditions.  We finished up Tradition five last week: Al-Anon has but one purpose to help families and friends of alcoholics. It really states our singleness of purpose in the program. But what struck me though was the idea that I can't be all things to all people.

The reading says " My primary concern is and must be my personal recovery. I cannot give to someone else something that I don't have." How true that is and it's something that I have only put into practice since being in the program.

I used to try to do everything that was asked of me. And then I would volunteer for more. If someone had expectations of me, then I tried to fulfill them. Now I know that I was running myself down trying to do what others wanted me to do. I was trying to be all things to all people and neglecting who I was.

Now I decide what I want to do and don't try to cram too much into one day. If I don't accomplish what I need to do in this day, then hopefully with the grace of my HP there will be another day coming. I don't get swamped in guilt to do the bidding of others. I show up for my meetings. I am there when I tell someone that I will be.  And I am here to do what I can to be a member of this household and take care of things in partnership here.

What's important is that what I do now, I do because it feels right. The demands made by others of my free time are not compelling reasons for me to lose my serenity. I can make choices to limit the things that I want to do.  And what a luxury that is these days.  I am finding many ways to spend my time on those things that I have dreamed about for years.  And for the most part, I am enjoying every moment.

Long swells

There are long swells coming in from offshore today. These are from the hurricane that is moving toward the East. I am hopeful it stays out to sea.

I stayed awake much of the flood tide last night because it was so uncomfortable to roll back and forth in the berth. Around the boat I could hear the dolphins exhaling. It is mating time and they are busy. It's comforting to hear them. They seem to like the sailboat as they come close by, sometimes looking at me or the boat.

This morning I am going to sail up river away from the swells. And then come back down river on the ebb tide. There is plenty of wind. I learn something new about the water every time I am out.

I also learn something new about myself through every circumstance. I am grateful to still be learning. I may be let down by my own defects but every situation helps me to see things a bit clearer. Each of you provides another lens through which I can sharpen my focus. Thank you for that.

Take what you like

I included a link to a treatment resource website yesterday. I looked at the site and decided that it was about resources and information rather than allying with a particular facility. That being said, I would like to hear your thoughts on whether inclusion of the link or indeed whether my blog breaks any tradition or principle of Al-Anon. I encourage you to express your views.

I believe that we each have a right to express ourselves. When I write about my experience, strength, and hope here, it is my opinion. In no way do I represent Al-Anon in any official capacity. "The opinions expressed are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest".

The Internet has opened up many ways to share our lives. I remain anonymous to the best of my ability. What I write mentions no one by name. And I try not to be too specific when I write about experiences. I want in no way to harm the program that has given me so much. Let me know your thoughts.

Chelsea's story

I was contacted by Chelsea Harris who is a Managing Editor at AllTreatment.com. Chelsea wants to give some encouragement for people who are struggling as she has. As she wrote to me: " It isn't very often you see a recovery, and I just want people to know that they are real and someone knows exactly how they feel". She will be graduating from the University of Washington in spring 2011.

So here is Chelsea's story:
"I never fit in with my family. Or, more correctly, they didn't fit in with the rest of the world, and I just happened to live with them. I was an only child and lived primarily with my dad growing up. He and both of his sisters had substance abuse problems. My cousins developed the same tendencies, and I just sort of stopped calling them or answering the phone around Christmas time. I was a little sober black sheep.

I considered myself lucky. Though a little inebriated, my dad held down a job and provided me with a home and the means to participate in whatever activity I wanted so I could spend less time at home. He was never mean, never violent; he was just a little tired and slept through some stuff. I now am entering my senior year in college and firmly hold the title of "waited the longest to have children". I am incredibly lucky he had the wherewithal to see his faults and compensate accordingly.

Mine is not a story you hear often, but you wish you did and I am grateful I get to tell it. However, I am never that surprised when people don't quite understand. My roommates and friends who had seen the heartbreak and frustration of unreturned phone calls and dismal family holidays were shocked at how quickly I forgave him every time he made an attempt to sober up. I always had complete faith in that man and I still do because he gave me everything I have. He blessed me with his wit, intelligence and great vision. And now that he has found what works for him I have had three fabulous years of free meals and loads of laundry when I come home.

That was what I had wanted and now I have it. I have a dad who acts like a dad should. I have a dad now that comes up several times a month to take me to dinner because he knows that I live off of rice and beans and oatmeal. I have a dad that emails me links to blogs he knows I would like because he quickly took the time to figure out my interests and hobbies so that way he could research them. He will listen to me ramble about papers and people he doesn't know when he calls me to check in.

My dad is my hero, he always has been and I make sure he knows that. He stumbled through raising me, for a lot of the time by himself, despite the fact he was young. He gave up his dreams and gambled on me having the skills to make mine a reality and never misses a moment to tell me how proud he is. And now that I am old enough to support myself (most months) he supports organizations that help other people get and stay sober.

I guess all of this is to say that, as Al-Anon teaches me, dwelling (on the past) is neither natural nor helpful. The joy of seeing a successful recovery, at least for me, overwhelmed the bitter feelings and residual anger leftover from missed recitals and soccer games. The best way to help your addict is to love them because there is nothing I could say that my dad hasn't already thought and he has beat himself up, I'm sure, and now I am just excited to be a part of his recovery."

Thanks Chelsea. I'm glad that you are finding your way in recovery and that your dad has as well. Good luck to both of you!

Note: I thought about whether to include the link to Alltreatment.com or not. Chelsea asked that it be included. After looking at the site, I saw that it was not promoting a particular treatment center but provided resources within each state as well as articles about substance abuse and recovery. I also don't consider my blog as an "Al-Anon blog". I write about my recovery and how the program has helped me. But my blog is not endorsed by WSO and provides only my experience, strength and hope. I also write about a lot of other things that I am interested in. That is the reason i decided to let the link stay.

Dirt under my nails

 Today we had a grand time together.  We worked in the garden in the morning when it was still cool.  It was a little sad to pull up all the tomatoes and the cucumber vines that had produced so much for us over the last few months.  But they have run their course now.

So we weeded and pulled vines, leaving behind those plants that were still producing.  This is what the garden looked like when we were done.

The peppers are still prolific.  I picked one that was at least 12 inches long.  It was a Mexican sweet pepper.  We will make some pepper jelly soon with the hot and sweet peppers.  It is my mother's recipe and the jelly is generally a big hit with people, especially at Christmas when we give jars to friends.

The okra is still producing little pods.  Okra loves the hot weather that we have had.  We will probably get another month of pods off the plants. I will hate to see the okra go because it has truly been hardy. 

We also aerated the compost so that the soil can be amended prior to planting.  I really like these compost bins. The soil is already rich here because the property was once part of a large plantation and all the land was cleared and planted, probably in cotton.  The fields were allowed to grow up and now mature trees of pine, oak, sweet gum, and magnolia cover a lot of the property. 

And here is what we picked today.  For lunch, C. made a bastardized version of ratatouille with the peppers, okra, eggplant, onion, and some tomatoes.  It was awesome.  Look at the size of that sweet pepper--huge, right?

After lunch, we went to buy seed to plant: beets, carrots, broccoli, winter squash, kale, mustard greens.  The actual sets for some of the plants that we want to put in weren't in yet so we got a few fall flowers to plant in the front flower beds.  I was looking for clematis because it smells so sweet this time of year.  I'll have to check at another garden center in town for it.   But we bought some globe amaranth,  a plumbago, and some mondo grass to put in large pots.  We also picked up a few cacti for the little desert gardens that we have going in some ceramic containers.

There is something so neat about being among the plants and looking for a few new varieties to try.  It was just a fun day.  Working side by side with dirt under our nails was fun.

It reminded me of the time when we had our first house, and I made a round flower garden for C.  I filled it will all kinds of flowers.  And we had our very first vegetable garden at that first house of ours.  That was a while ago.  We were much younger and filled with all kinds of ideas and dreams.  Now we are older and still filled with ideas and dreams.  And today we shared those things together without distractions.  Amazing what the promise of the coming season can do.

Just a hint

On this moonlit evening,  I can feel the first beckoning of fall.  There is a light breeze stirring the trees and just a bit less humidity in the air.  The light in the late afternoon has cast longer shadows.  And today I saw the first sulfur butterfly float past me.  These are signs telling me that soon the oppressive heat will be gone, and my favorite time of year will begin.

It has been a summer of mostly favorable happenings.  The good stuff which actually made memories included my retiring with some decorum, getting a lot of time on the water sailing and living aboard for several days, finding a boat that has captured my imagination and some of my heart,  and celebrating another year in recovery with my partner.  The bad thing that occurred was the suicide of a friend.  In the overall rating of summers,  I would say that it was memorable. And hot, very hot.

I can't say that I have been particularly productive over the past few months.  But I rationalize this by telling myself that this is my first summer "off" for a long time.  So I'm giving myself a break and not sinking into guilt.  In fact,  I could get too used to being an idle farmer and roving sailor.  But the farmer can't be idle much longer because the fall crops have to be planted.  The garden is almost weeded, the dead plants have been pulled, and it is time to till the boxes to get ready for collards, cabbage, kohlrabi, and some broccoli. One season turning into another--the cycle of life.

And the roving sailor will have plenty to do once the boat comes out of the yard and is at the marina.  There will be decks to be painted with non-skid, brass ports to be polished, teak to be varnished, and some wire brushing of the engine parts.  I will have to quell my desire to get everything done at once and practice the patience that I have learned in recovery. 

Soon the heat will be reduced to something in the 80's and maybe even in the 70's if we're lucky.  And that will make every job easier.  In the meantime,  I am not going to project about atmospheric disturbances off the Cape Verde Islands,  and what the last part of August and early September could bring.  This is a one day at a time program, and I'm going to stick to that.  In fact, I'm not going to think about hurricane season right now at all. 

Instead,  I'm going to go have a dinner of eggplant parmesana and insalata caprese, followed by some fresh watermelon.  Maybe we will actually eat dinner on the screen porch tonight.  Yes, there is just enough of a hint of fall in the air that it has me a bit wistful.  All good things will come in time.

Learning to listen

Listening is one of the things that now comes easy to me. I'd rather listen to someone else talk than to be the center of attention myself.  That has been the case for most of my life.  I think part of it is being an introvert and maybe part of it is not feeling adequate to withstand the scrutiny in a group.  But if I can simply be one on one with another person, then I don't mind talking and sharing. 

Sharing at Al-Anon meetings has been sometimes easy and sometimes difficult for me.  I used to dread having to share because I felt that I didn't have anything but pain to offer.  Now I see the solutions more clearly.  And I try to stick to the topic so that I don't ramble. I like to get to the point and not be repetitive but simply state what comes from my heart. But being at a meeting isn't so much about what I say but what I get from others who share their E, S, and H. 

There have been many times though that I didn't want to listen to anyone.  I didn't want to listen to my father when I was a teenager.  I thought that I knew best and was sure in my stance and stubborn as a mule.  And there are still subjects that evoke passionate opinions from me, such as politics and conservation ethics.  

With the alcoholic,  I actually listened to the drunken self pity and the morning after apologies.  What I really wanted was to shut out the slurred words and the philosophical meanderings of a drunken mind. Now I've come to realize that it would have been best if I'd not listened to any of that or tried to argue back or even tried to make sense by offering rational advice.  I don't believe that there was anything that I could have said that would have made much of a difference at the time. It was just another way that I was going to try to control an unmanageable situation.

I've learned to trust my inner voice and to listen to it.  When that inner voice tells me that something isn't right, I listen and don't ignore it.  If it tells me to remove myself from an unacceptable situation, then I pay close attention.  If it tells me to keep my mouth shut and sit tight, then I inventory the situation and make a decision.

Listening is a powerful part of the program.  Sometimes by just keeping quiet,  the answers that I seek become clear.

Sushi night

The jellyfish lanterns in the photo above were hanging all across the ceiling of the restaurant where we ate tonight.  I thought that it was interesting to have had an encounter with the living variety and then to come to a restaurant and have these neat lanterns hanging all around.

I spent one of the hottest nights that I can remember on the boat last night.  There wasn't a breath of air stirring.  The humidity was oppressive.  Thankfully, a little D cell powered fan kept some air moving in the V berth.  This morning a rain shower helped to cool things down a bit and brought in some much needed breeze.

After getting the boat cleaned up,  we talked to some friends who live on their catamaran at the marina.  They were going out for sushi so invited us to go along.  It was a treat to get inside the air conditioned restaurant, have some delicious crab/shrimp crunch rolls and talk to friends amid the glow of the jelly lanterns.

They were interested in Sojourner who will become ours on September 2.  The oil analysis came back okay, so all is proceeding with the closing.  She is up on blocks at the ship yard and will have her bottom painted as soon as we close.  In the mean time,  there will be more weekends on Compass Rose before she is pulled from the water and put on the hard.  She has been a good and faithful boat, and I can't bear to sell her.  So she will be stored in an enclosed shed on our property.  Maybe my heart and psyche will adjust to Sojourner and then I will be willing to consider selling Compass Rose.  But for now, I just want to take good care of her.

I am tired now and need to get some rest.  It has been a hot, stuffy weekend so it's time to enjoy the cool AC and some clean, crisp sheets.  Good night to you all.  I'll be catching up with your blogs this week.

Once bitten

The critter pictured above is a box jelly, also known as a sea wasp. They are causing a lot of problems now, as they do every year about this time, with swimmers. The sting feels like fire and can cause acute inflammation and contact dermatitis. Today I was stung by one on my leg.

It wasn't as bad as some I have seen but felt like briars were ripping my leg. The ideal thing to treat the sting is vinegar. But since I was way down the beach, I didn't have any. So I tried some urine (don't ask) on the stung area. It eased the pain and when I got back to the boat I put some vinegar on my leg.

As I was heading back to the boat, I came upon a fellow who was wading near my dinghy. I told him about the sting, suggesting that he watch out. He was an older fellow with a long white beard and long braided hair (ZZ Top-ish). We started talking about his jet ski and the problems with ethanol in gasoline.

After saying he didn't know what my political persuasion was, he proceeded to tell me that the government needed to be stopped (because of the ethanol issue as well as more serious transgressions in his mind) and that a revolt was coming. He said that he had his rifle with scope and that certain races showed up as different colors in his sights. Really! I mean is this person for real? After telling me how the President wasn't a citizen, he then flicked his cigarette butt in the water. I asked what he thought about littering. It was no use for me to say anything more except that he knows what he wants to believe, and he knows how to believe it. I suspect that he gets his facts from some of the bags of hot gas on the radio/TV. He has the right to his opinion but I don't have to be a captive audience.

All I can say is "once bitten twice shy". No more bites for me today. Hope you are having a good Saturday.

the games toxic people play

Occasionally, there will be a sneak attack that happens when I least expect it.  Things will be going along just fine and then....wham...someone will surprise me with their meanness.  I am not going to be specific here because that isn't the point.  What I have to do is inventory what happens within me when someone or something is done that is hurtful. 

I know that the hostility triggers something in me that makes me want to get away from the person as soon as it happens. My inventory tells me that: 1) I am frightened of the rage, 2) the rage brings up memories of my father's anger and my wife's behavior when she was drinking, 3) I am finding that the rage is detracting from my friendship with the individual, 4) I am becoming resentful of this person, and 5) I don't believe the words "I'm sorry" unless there is a change in behavior. 

I don't want to take the inventory of another.  I want to see the best in people.  But when someone has been deliberately judgmental, mean, and spiteful, it makes me want to get as far away from them as possible.  I know that there are people who are miserable and want to see others be miserable too.  I am truly sorry for them.  But I quite frankly don't want to be around those who spew their stuff on me or others. 

The whole subject of toxic people is fairly interesting.  So I decided to read more about toxic people and the effect that they can have if you let them.
Here is what I found:

* Every one has had a toxic person in their life at one time or another.

* A toxic person will continue to hurt you, until you stop allowing them to do so.

* You are powerless over the actions of the toxic person, but you can walk away from the toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore.

* Toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. Get away from toxic people and associate with those who are positive and around whom you feel good.

* Trust your instincts. Toxic people exude the dark side of human nature. If you allow them to, they will create pain, craziness, and aggravation. If you feel sick and empty and experience negative physical feelings, then it is likely that you are in the presence of a toxic person. Once you identify someone as toxic, you can begin to eliminate them from your life.

* A person is toxic because of their own issues. It has nothing to do with you. Toxic people don't take responsibility for their own actions. They like to turn things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel at fault.

* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk away. If you cannot walk away, then mentally walk away. Allow yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is the best process to get you back into yourself.

Like my sponsor tells me, "Keep the focus on yourself". It's good advice. I have learned in Al-Anon to forgive and let go of others who do harm because they are sick in their soul.  They have their issues too and in many cases they are living their life without the benefit of spirituality.  I can shrug off the crazy comments that someone will make. I no longer have to buy into anyone else's stuff. They may be offering it for free but I don't have to own it.

Press, radio, TV and films

I opened the local paper the other day and read an article by one of the reporters about celebrating his 30th year in sobriety.  This fellow is a well known columnist and author of a couple of books.  I knew that he was in recovery because he had written about it before.  While I understand the message, I immediately thought about Tradition 11.  

I believe that the reporter's intent was to do no harm.  Yet, the article could just as easily have been written in an anonymous fashion, thereby leaving ego out of it.  I am not a member of AA but read the AA books and pamphlets.  I pulled out the one on Understanding Anonymity and read: 

"As public awareness concerning alcoholism increased, the stigma decreased, and soon some A. A. members began to publicly acknowledge their affiliation in the media. One of the first to do so was a famous ballplayer whose comeback was so spectacular that newspapers lavished attention on his successful struggle against alcohol. Believing that he could help A.A. by revealing his membership, he discussed it openly. Even the founders of A. A. approved his actions simply because they had not yet experienced the costs of such publicity.
 
Then other members decided to break their anonymity in the media — some motivated by good will, others by personal gain. Some members devised schemes to tie in their A.A. affiliation with all sorts of business enterprises, insurance, sales, drying-out farms, even a temperance magazine, to name a few. It did not take long for those at A.A. headquarters to realize that overzealous and self-serving anonymity breakers could quickly jeopardize the Fellowship’s hard-won reputation. And they saw that if one person was made an exception, other exceptions would inevitably follow. To assure the unity, effectiveness, and welfare of A.A., anonymity had to be universal. It was the guardian of all that A.A. stood for.
 
In stressing the equality of all A.A. members — and unity in the common bond of their recovery from alcoholism — anonymity serves as the spiritual foundation of the Fellowship. Back in 1946, Bill W., our co-founder, wrote: “The word ‘anonymous’ has for us an immense spiritual significance. Subtly but powerfully, it reminds us that we are always to place principles before personalities; that we have renounced personal glorification in public; that our movement not only preaches but actually practices a true humility.”  

I am glad to have read this pamphlet again.  It applies as well to Al-Anon where our anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our principles.  A member broke my wife's anonymity, not realizing what a breach of trust that was.  And many think that the traditions were simply there when the fellowship first began but aren't important anymore.  In the age of internet and TV where celebrities shout their affiliation with AA and rehabs are de rigueur, anonymity seems to be something that is broken on a regular basis. One person said that "these are like driving 5 mph over the posted speed limit. Everyone does it and it doesn't hurt anyone."  I don't agree with that at all.  To break anonymity in the media, in the name of helping others, is undermining the fellowship with ego being front and center.

Here is more on this topic from Al-Anon:
Why is anonymity so often a topic at meetings?  We guard the anonymity of all Al-Anon/Alateen and AA members.  This means not revealing to anyone what we hear or whom we see at meetings, not to our relatives, friends or other Al-Anon/Alateen members.  Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence.  While each member has the right of decision regarding personal anonymity within the fellowship, the use of first-names-only reminds us that we are equals in Al-Anon.  This
keeps us humble and enables us to develop spiritually.       From page 5 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity.  The experience of our groups suggests that the principle of anonymity – summed up in Tradition Twelve as “the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions” – has three elements:  There is anonymity as it applies outside Al-Anon, governing our contacts with non-members and organizations;  anonymity within the fellowship; and anonymity as it contributes to our personal growth.      From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity in Al-Anon is a sacred trust, basic to our fellowship and its survival. The principal of anonymity is essential for the newcomers to assure the confidentiality of their identity and all that is shared at the meetings, and with other members.   From page 50 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

Anonymity Within Al-Anon.  Members uses their full names within the fellowship when they wish. The degree of anonymity a member chooses (first name, pseudonym, or full name) is not subject to criticism.  Each member has the right to decide . . . Anonymity goes well beyond mere names.  All of us need to feel secure in the knowledge that nothing seen or heard at a meeting will be revealed.  We feel free to express ourselves among our fellow Al-Anons because we can be sure that what we say will be held in confidence.     From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual 

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Dual Members. “I am a member of another anonymous program.  Recently I was asked not to discuss it at our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings.  Why?”
Our meeting discussions do not include any other program or fellowship.  When we talk about our experiences of becoming sober, drug-free, or how we stopped overeating or gambling, we take away from the Al-Anon focus.  In Al-Anon, we focus on our common experience – having been affected by someone else’s alcoholism – and our recovery by giving and receiving mutual aid based only on that common experience.  Those of us who are members of other anonymous programs avoid openly revealing this at meetings, concentrating instead on the Al-Anon approach to the family illness of alcoholism.      From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Within Al-Anon: Professionals. “As a psychotherapist – and an Al-Anon member – I feel that my professional experience can enrich our group’s discussion. Why have I been discouraged from sharing my knowledge at meetings?”
Those of us in the helping professions may be especially sensitive to the pain of others.  We may sense the pain of fellow Al-Anon members and wish to share the benefits of our professional expertise.  In Al-Anon, however, we meet and share as equals:  no one is an expert.  Our success comes from maintaining a nonprofessional approach, and from adhering to the principal of anonymity.  We all have something to give and something to take from our meetings regardless of our educational, social or professional backgrounds.       From page 8 of Al-Anon Spoken Here (Pamphlet 53)

Anonymity Outside Al-Anon.  Tradition Eleven gives a specific guideline:  “We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films.”  This gives potential members confidence that their identity will not be revealed when they join Al-Anon.  Also, personal anonymity at the public level guards the fellowship from the Al- Anon/Alateen member who may be tempted to seek public recognition . . .  From page 83 of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual

I am thankful that these programs have in place principles to protect those who attend.  Maybe the message will get through to those who need a reminder. 

And the survey says......

It looks like a go on the sailboat.  Her name is Sojourner which is a beautiful name.  I am glad that she isn't named Dirty Harriet, Aquaholic, Between the Sheets, Nauti Girl or some of the other aquamoronic names I've seen.  The last hurdle will be the oil analysis to see if there are any metal filings or soot in the oil which would indicate a deteriorating engine. 

Barring any surprises there, it looks like I will close on the boat September 2.  I left her blocked in the yard so that her bottom can be painted if the oil analysis comes back okay.  And I am just about starting to get excited.  The surveyor who is the toughest one in the area and is known as the "deal breaker" was impressed with her.  There are a few cosmetic things that I can do, but she is a 31 year old lady so that is to be expected.  Anyway, I wanted to share some photos and hope that I'm not jinxing anything by doing this. 

It was a full day yesterday with the survey taking about six hours and then going to my home group meeting where I told part of my story.  The topic was willingness and how willing I was to get better when I first came to Al-Anon.  I think that it made some of the newer people think.  There is a choice to be stuck in pain or to move through it and have joy and peace.  I am glad that I was willing and teachable.  I know that I would not be considering a boat or much else if I had stayed in the place of misery where I resided.  I am thankful for God's grace in my life.

Survey tomorrow

Today, I went for a ride on the sailboat that is being surveyed tomorrow. She is a 36 foot Cape Dory.

Today's ride was from the marina to the boat yard where she will be hauled out for inspection of the hull. I was impressed with everything on her today. We rode through a driving rain storm getting soaked on the way, but none of that dampened my spirits.

I am keeping expectations low because so much depends on the survey. I will have a choice after that to either walk away or buy. It's a big decision.

And tomorrow evening is my home group meeting and birthday celebration where I pick up my fourth year medallion. A lot of happy things going on.

No matter what the outcome of the survey, it will be a learning experience for me. I have not had a boat surveyed before so it will be a chance to go through one from stem to stern.

Now I am going to get out of my wet clothes and have some hot tea. Hope your Sunday is going well.

Fourth anniversary

Today is my fourth anniversary in Al-Anon. It is hard for me to remember exactly how I felt during the months prior to coming in. I know that I was very confused, angry and had no idea what I was doing in my marriage. I wanted out, felt trapped, and had no regard for her or me. It was the lowest point in my life.

Today, I have a hard time not finding love, compassion and hope each day. The terrible chains of alcoholism that were dragging me deeper and deeper into the depths of despair have been shed. I feel that I am truly living, whereas before I was just existing.

I owe a lot to this program of recovery. I walked through the door for the first time scared, confused and alone. I walk into the rooms now feeling comfortable and at home. It isn't that every day is wonderful or that I never have sad feelings. I do because I am only human. But now I know what to do. I understand what I am feeling and how to let the feelings go. I can turn the fears and the people who concern me over to my Higher Power. It is truly a powerful thing to not obsess over another or harbor resentment. It is true freedom from that person I used to be.

So today I am filled with much gratitude for God's grace that let me hear the message and brought so many good people into my life. I am thankful for my wonderful sponsor who has been there for me through it all, my friends both in Al-Anon and AA who care about me, and all of you who I have not met but who come here to share your thoughts and from whom I learn something every day. Bless you and thank you.

healthy boundaries

The topic in today's meeting was boundaries.  This is a good topic for me because I didn't learn what boundaries were until I came to Al-Anon.  I had boundaries with my work and professional life,  but in relationships, I didn't have a clue.

My lack of boundaries was evident from the amount of time and emotional energy I put into relationships. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.

Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy, yet reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay.  So I would keep pushing, hoping to make what I wanted to happen come true. My motivation was fairly simple:  I was terrified of being rejected and abandoned.

Through the Al-Anon program and some hard hitting advice from a close AA friend, I've learned that healthy boundaries will allow me to focus on myself, my own needs, and my personal integrity in relationships. By having boundaries, I'm able to have energy to focus on all aspects of my life instead of focusing on one person. I've also learned that I can't have a healthy relationship with my partner if I'm trying to fix or take care of them.

When dealing with those that I care about, I have to work at healthy intimacy but not over-dependency. I've been guilty of being dependent on another and thinking that I needed them in order to feel fulfilled and happy. By focusing on myself and respecting the boundaries of others, I have become more independent and have accepted responsibility for my own happiness. I can't get that from others. I've also learned that I need to be based in reality and accept my relationships for the way they are rather than the way that I want them to be.

One of the issues that I hear a lot when it comes to the alcoholic is that fear of letting go of the control in a relationship stems from thinking that the alcoholic will drink if their needs aren't met by another. This is particularly hard when the alcoholic makes a threat to do something to themselves if boundaries are established. 

Fear makes it hard to establish boundaries because you've become a hostage to someone who is needy, helpless and manipulative. This is where Step One is so important because we cannot control or determine the outcome of the life of anyone else no matter how hard we try. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to the HP. Then, I can hope that the alcoholic accepts personal responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own actions and decisions.

No child left indoors

When I was growing up there were no video games, no computers, no cell phones, and in the early years no TV.   Instead, there was the outdoors which was the best entertainment ever. 

My father would take me fishing when he was off work.  I've written before about how he taught me to read the water, drive a boat,  and to catch trout, croaker, and spot.  My mother though was the main force behind the then unheard of philosophy of "No child left indoors" (see note below).  From the time that I got off school for summer vacation,  she would take me for treks through the woods and fields to identify plants, collect insects, and bring back pond water to look at under the microscope. 

Our field trips were the source of delight because we would always find something strange.  She would delight in finding shelf fungi on trees, mats of algae in a pond, and the occasional horned caterpillar of a favorite moth. On more than one occasion, I would bring home a cocoon or an egg case to be placed in a hatching cage that my father built.  Every day, I would check to see what progress was being made until eventually a moth would emerge from the cocoon or beetles would hatch from the egg case.  Even having a thousand tiny praying mantis escape from the hatching cage and invade the kitchen wasn't much of a problem for my mother.  It was all part of the adventure. 

The old Hepplewhite dining room table that has been around for over a hundred years became my laboratory bench.  There were snakes, frogs, and many species of insect that were examined, identified and labeled.  It was really through my mother's efforts that I developed such an interest in science, especially natural history. 

But being outside was the best laboratory of all. When I think about what so many children are missing today because they are stuck inside playing video games, or endlessly texting their friends, it makes me wonder who they will be tomorrow.  Maybe they will be the computer gurus of the future.  Or perhaps the next software developers.  Or maybe the text messaging will spark an interest in writing a book.  The possibilities are endless.  I am simply grateful for the outdoor time that I spent and how it shaped me.  I truly wasn't a child left indoors.

Note: In recent years, people around the country have been rallying behind a no-child-left-inside campaign, according to Richard Louv, the ground-breaking author of Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder. In his book, he quotes James Sallis of the Active Living Research Program for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation who says that “an indoor, sedentary childhood is linked to mental health problems.” It is also linked to problems with childhood obesity. 

The following statistics say a lot: (1) According to the Kaiser Foundation, in 2005 the average United States child spent six hours a day watching television and playing video games on a computer. (2) Most state and national parks report a ten to 20% drop in visitors over the past few years. (3) The organization “Playing for Keeps” says that 80% of children under age two and more than 60% of ages two to five have no access to daily outdoor play.

Innocence

She looks at me through green eyes rimmed with dark silky lashes.  

She delights in the most simple of things,

which makes me want to give her so much more.  

Sometimes I will simply watch her sleep.  

She is indeed older now, with fine lines around her mouth.  

But she still looks amazingly youthful.  

Her skin is smooth and warm.  

I still see the young woman that I met so many years ago. 

Her innocence is still there, 

her heart still open and trusting, 

her gaze still level and inquiring, 

her smile is still warm and inviting. 

I wonder how she sees me. 

Does she see innocence in me still?

Or have the years put a hard edge on me 

that her softness can't seem to dull. 

I wrote this watching my love sleep.  Her arm was flung across her chest, her breath came softly, and her hair was in a tangle.  I wanted to reach out to hold her but was captivated by her innocence.  My heart was full of love.

Hell hath no fury

I wrote about a friend who called the other day to share her disgust with her boyfriend who got drunk and peed on her and the bed.  Now she caught the boyfriend in bed with another woman and has kicked him out.  She called early this morning to tell us that the degradation she felt was terrible, but the anger was much worse.  "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." 

So now the alcoholic boyfriend has been put out of the house, his belongings put in the garage ready for pick up, the boat that he helped our friend sail is off limits, the locks have been changed and he has a week to remove his old beat up truck and his stuff from her property.  He has virtually nothing--no home, no job, and no one to take care of him at the moment.  The weird thing is, he is actually an intelligent fellow with a great sense of humor......until he is drunk.  And when he is drunk, he becomes lewd and a bore to be around.

I am once again reminded that alcohol takes people to great depths of degradation.  And it cuts a wide swath through the psyche of both the alcoholic and those who are affected by the disease.  She gave him many chances.  I was wondering when she would reach her limit, as we all do.  She told me yesterday that she simply had to have proof, rather than trusting her intuition.  And he provided her with plenty of that and an image that will stick in her head for some time. Maybe he will get it one of these days.  Or maybe he will continue to slide further down without really caring when the end happens.   I find it all really sad. 

Yet in spite of her anger, our friend says that she wishes him well.  She understands that he has a disease,  but his comfort and his problems aren't her concern anymore.  She is going to spend time with her child and take time for herself and her needs.  She says that it will be a while before she trusts again.

Yes, it does take a while.  It takes enough time until the pain starts to fade and hope builds in the heart and soul.  We forget our fury and venture forth.  But not until things have been processed:

Biggest floating party and I'm not there

Photos from Post and Courier

You won't find me in the midst of those boats pictured above.  In fact, I've never even been to the event that takes place about three miles from where I live.  It is the last regatta of the season and has been called the largest floating cocktail party.

The whole thing takes place at a small creek near the historic Sea Island Yacht Club.  The currents run swift through the creek so about a hundred years ago a couple of families decided to test their boat designs in some friendly competition.  And like most things American, the competition got stiffer each year as more people wanted to vie for bragging rights. 

So every year during the first weekend in August, the highway leading to where I live turns into a freeway as people haul their boats to meet up with friends who have hauled their boats and so on.  The boats raft up together, people drink way too much, and most of them never even know that there is a regatta going on.  This bunch of hearty partiers wouldn't know a halyard from a sheet and could care less. 

Unfortunately, every year there seems to be some kind of major accident that results in death.  Either people have gotten drunk and fallen in the water or gotten behind the wheel and crashed into one of the ancient oak trees along the road.  Hopefully, this year no one will pay the ultimate price for being stupid and driving drunk.  There are enough law enforcement out both on the water and on the roads to discourage any shenanigans.   

Even though I live on the island and about 3 miles from the yacht club, I've never been to the regatta. It just seemed too crazy, too many boats, too much chance of an accident. So as I have been for the last 21 years, I was away from the crazy scene.  We spent the weekend on the water but at our usual anchorage off the Harbor.  There was a terrific storm on Friday night that rocked the boat with 55 mph winds and heaped up waves that looked more like something in the Roaring 40's than a creek.  We survived the blow and the sheeting rain.  Saturday was nice and today was wonderful for sailing back to the marina.  I also found my first partial Megalodon tooth on the beach this morning. It was huge but unfortunately cracked.

A friend called to tell C. that her boyfriend had gotten dead drunk, gone into a black out and peed on her and all over their bed. They were at the regatta party.  I don't envy anyone having to deal with an alcoholic in a black out.  Not fun and there is so much anger.  I am just thankful that we had a quiet evening with no issues.  This lady is not ready to give up on her boyfriend.  I wonder how much more it will take. Some of us are stubborn and hold on for years until one day we snap and something in our heads goes off.  That's when I knew that I needed help and went to Al-Anon. 

Well, I'm dead tired.  It was a nice weekend but I need to get some real sleep in a real bed. Good night. 

Old Spice

My father's scent was Old Spice overlaid by pipe tobacco. He would clench his favorite briar pipe in his teeth, gently puffing on it. He would pull in fish still puffing on the pipe. He would talk sometimes with the briar in his mouth. He had about 50 pipes from around the world but would smoke only a couple of his favorites along with his Sir Walter Raleigh tobacco that he mixed with a cherry blend. I thought that he looked a bit like William Faulkner, only taller.



The Old Spice was what I would give him for his birthday. Later in life I tried to give him more sophisticated after shaves, but he gravitated back to what he was used to--something familiar and subtle.

Sometimes he added the smell of bourbon which I associated with times that weren't so good. When I was a child I would sample the watered down drinks left in the glass. They held no magic for me. They were just something grown ups drank.

When my father died, my mother held up through the funeral. She put on a brave face that soon crumpled with the weight of a deep depression. She went to hospital to stay for a month.

I began to pack up my father's things, thinking that it would be easier on my mother to not come home to so many reminders of his presence. I gathered up all the pipes, including his favorites. Their sooty bowls smelled of him. I could see the stem tips were worn by his grip. My eyes filled with tears.

I then moved to the clothes closet. As I removed his bathrobe the scent of Old Spice came to me softly and then with a flood of memories that overcame my senses. I sobbed as I held his flannel robe. I could feel him still there.

I hung that robe in my closet for years and would go back to put the cloth to my face, inhaling the smell of him as if that would bring him back. It provided a lot of comfort for me as I grieved his loss.

Eventually, the smell of Old Spice faded. And in recent years I can't smell it at all. The old bathrobe still hangs in my closet but my father has moved on.

Golden light

As most of you know I really like photography.  It is a great hobby and often a challenge to capture a scene that is breathtaking to my eye.  Some of the photos on my blog were set up on a tripod with timer but the rest were ones that I shot just standing and looking for something to catch my eye.  And my wife has snapped several of me that she found particularly amusing.  I use a Nikon D90 digital SLR. It's a great camera in my opinion. I carry about 4 lenses with me and also carry along my old Nikon D70 which is old but my first digital camera. I still have a string of old Nikon SLR's from the film days that are in great shape. 

Photography is something that allows me to try to capture the world around me. Some of what I photograph is beautiful and some of it is not beautiful in a conventional sense. I have a fascination with tugboats but they aren't really beautiful to most people.  I like old houses because they seem to be forgotten, yet still have a heart and soul.  And of course, I like to photograph anything to do with the ocean and estuary.

It's hard to describe how it feels to get a shot that you really like. I take lots of photos but sometimes I can't capture what my eye sees. I think that's the challenge of photography. There is so much more to it than just the mechanics--there's feeling and light and all the many nuances that surround you at the moment that you see something you want to capture forever. There aren't many ways to capture those golden moments or that special feeling. It stays in your mind for a while but to have an image of it that will last....well, that's pretty neat.

I still look at those old Kodak black and whites from my childhood. My memory of that time is pretty dim but when I see the photos, I can see things so much better.  I see the little kid who looks a bit tentative but is smiling. I see my beautiful mother and handsome father holding me.  I can't tell whether they are happy or not.  I look closer and see that my mother often looks tired.  My father looks proud but also old because his hair was already completely gray when I was born.  I was the baby born when they were in their early 40's--an unexpected arrival.

I see the progression of images in old photo albums that show me getting taller.  The eyes show a much older kid than what is pictured and the smile is brave, almost resigned.  I have a few photos showing me in full blown happiness--laughing with my cousin in a pool, playing with the dog, riding my horse.  I wish that I could remember each and every one of those days.  But they have all run together for the most part.  I catch glimpses of them through the photos and those trigger some memories that make me smile or make me pensive.  Photos don't capture the feelings but evoke them.

The photos I take today will be the ones that I will look back on in years to come.  I hope that they  will have preserved those things that are important to me so that I can look back and conjure up something magical as time goes by.

Four years sober

My wife celebrates four years of sobriety today. Last night, they had a cake for her and a card at one of the meetings she attends. Her sponsor gave her the four year chip and she told her story. Tonight she is going to her home group meeting. And she is making peach ice cream to take.  C. cooks for this meeting every week and tonight is no exception.

It is hard to believe that it has been four years of sober recovery.  We have eased into a good life together where there isn't the anger and where we focus on the good things that are happening each day. We don't go back over the old agonies of regret that once plagued us. We don't go back into the "what if's" anymore. I believe that both of us can look back now on the years before recovery and see them as a way of life that was chaotic, unhappy, and generally not very livable. But we don't talk of regrets anymore. Maybe those years are just a reminder of what it would be like again if we become careless or complacent.

We both know that we can't undo all those terrible things that were said and done before. We hurt each other under the deluded guise that alcohol created. She pushed and I pulled. We weren't going anywhere with the tug of war of emotions in the relationship. We thought that we loved each other but it wasn't the right kind of love. We actually didn't know how to have a relationship.  I thought that it was about pouring "enough" love into the relationship.  But that love had a lot of expectations tied to it.  Now we are beginning to see that "right" love and all kind of other "right" things are available through being in recovery.

We don't talk about the past. It's not a place to dwell. I live for this day and treat those around me with respect and love. I think that will create a good past now and one that I won't regret.

A bright shining day

Yesterday was one of those bight shining days.  It was great to escape the heat inshore and spend over ten hours on the water.  I enjoyed the scenery, the conversation and the quiet times when no words were needed.

We talked a lot about what it means to not be fully accepted in a society that appears to welcome you with open arms, but still holds you at arm's length.  I cannot compare my experience to that of someone who has lived through periods of racial hatred.  I have not experienced hatred at such a level in my life.  And I can think of no one that I have hated.

I do know that there are situations where I too have felt unwelcome.  Mostly those situations were related to my intolerance of what I perceived as critical scrutiny and judging by others.  I was particularly intolerant of inflated egos.  And yet I would stick around, hoping to be a part of something that was simply fueling resentment.

I remember a particular experience that I had as a young professional in which I waited for over 15 minutes to say hello to an old professor who was a "star" in her field. I began to fume more and more as I waited for her to acknowledge me. It was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not simply wave at her and move away. That taught me a lesson that I still remember.  I no longer want to be around or cater to the insufferable ego. 

That's why it's great to be around people who are genuine and not trying to inflate themselves.  And that is what made the day so enjoyable.  I felt that I made some friends yesterday.  And that we got along because it was simply genuine people talking to one another.  No one was playing to ego.  And to talk to someone who has a definite interest in helping others overcome barriers of poverty and racial prejudice was inspiring.  

I have to say that I was tired after such a long day.  I had no trouble sleeping peacefully, still feeling the slight rocking motion of the boat, even though I was on land.  I find that rocking motion comforting, as my body gradually makes the transition back to terra firma. 

So here are a few more photos from yesterday's journey.  It was indeed a bright and shining day.  

No Barriers

We had the pleasure of meeting solo round the world sailor Neal Petersen this evening.  I have read quite a few sailing books and was amazed when a dinghy pulled up to our dock and off stepped this world class sailor and his wife Darlene who had just sailed into town from Bermuda.  His catamaran was staying near the marina over night and he came to the dock to visit with friends of ours. 

Neal is one of fewer than 300 people in history who have sailed around the world via Cape Horn solo.  He shared some of what it was like to be faced with 80 foot tall waves and being continuously knocked down as he was trying to round the Horn.  Over dinner, he talked about his plans to sail solo around the world again, probably in an upcoming Vendee Globe Race. 

Neal Petersen on the beach with his racing catamaran in the background

He has a busy schedule of sailing, is building a house in the Dominican Republic and doing motivational speaking around the world.  I knew from my sailing books that he grew up in Cape Town, South Africa. Neal is an indigenous black African who grew up in apartheid.  He also had a physical disability being born with a defective hip.  He had much to overcome.  And today he and his wife have an education foundation called No Barriers.  And he goes around the world being a key note speaker for various corporate conventions.  One of the things that he shared tonight is to follow your dreams and to decide what your life is going to be. 

He definitely had lots of barriers to success. He learned about sailing from reading books while he was recuperating from hip surgery.  He wanted a sailboat but his family had no money.  So he asked his father to take him to the Royal Cape Yacht Club where the members were all very rich and very white.  There are still these barriers and many more that stand in the way of equality.  His story about the yacht club reminded me that there is one in this town that allows only white men to join. Separateness and exclusivity are still very much a part of life here and in so many other places in the world.

It was really great to be able to talk with him about sailing and the obstacles that he has overcome.  And tomorrow he asked us to sail up the coast for the day.  I am looking forward to learning more about this interesting fellow who I have followed through books and a PBS special on his life.

My main obstacle at the moment is finding time to work on the computer and read blogs.  I am taking my iPad for the voyage tomorrow so maybe there will be a chance to read while on the trip.  Otherwise I will catch up when I can.  I am exhausted now and going to bed.  The alarm will come early enough in the AM to remind me to get on the road to the marina.