Decorating

We pulled out our fall decorations today and proceeded to decorate the mantles, put some jack o'lanterns about, and add swags of fall leaves to corner cabinets and doorways.  Both of us had a good time, but C. was especially pleased with getting in the fall spirit.  I'm posting a few photos of our efforts. 

Fall bouquet complete with large black spider

One of the jack o'lanterns that we have lit. 

Another group of fun fall stuff on a table in one of the halls

My favorite thing--a rolling eyeball that lights up!

Sparkly purple lights on the mantle in the master bedroom

We also made a couple of cakes.  The one below is a scary pumpkin cake that yours truly decorated. Okay, this was my first time using a pastry bag which definitely in and of itself is a creepy contraption to use.  I thought that the blue bats, spiders and webs was a nice touch.  C. wasn't so sure about my cake decorating abilities.  At least I managed to keep most of the icing on the cake.  Squeezing that pastry bag too hard could definitely have had less than desirable consequences.

Scary ghoul pumpkin cake

We made three of these cakes, each one decorated a little differently.  I took one to a meeting tonight where a sponsee shared his story.  It was his one year anniversary in Al-Anon.  I am glad that he persevered to get through the 12 steps and was willing to share his experience, strength and hope.  He asked what to do with the medallion that was tucked in the card.  I said that I carry mine in my wallet as a reminder of what the program means.  It was a fun day and a good evening. 

It's hard to believe that today is the last day of September.  And some cooler weather is finally coming our way.  I am content with so much today.  I am very grateful.

Uncharted

I had lunch with a sponsee today. He lives in an old kitchen house downtown. It's an adventure to go through the flooded streets of the city during a heavy rain. The city was built on marsh that was filled with garbage. Consequently, drainage is poor. Water floods cars on a regular basis. And the flooding fuels much discussion about getting a better drainage system. But mostly people just slog through the water.

I got to his place without incident, avoiding the worst flooded areas.  When I arrived,  his cat was enjoying the view from the window sill.



We had a great lunch as he is a good cook. We caught up on our lives. He decided after finishing the steps that going to meetings wasn't his thing.  I knew after he completed Step Twelve that it was unlikely he would darken the door of a meeting again.  He seems content though, attributing his peace to the program.  He broke off a contentious relationship that fueled his co-dependency and is no longer obsessing over the person.  He admitted that he could not have let go of an unhealthy relationship without first getting himself to a better place through the steps. It is good that we can get together and not have aspects of the program be a point of disagreement. 

He gave me the card above with a note of appreciation. The message on the card has a lot of meaning for me. It reminds me of the seemingly uncharted territory when one starts in recovery. With faith one moves to discover a new way of living. And in the process finds that what once seemed uncharted was clearly marked by those who came before.

My town

I grew up in a small town in the Tidewater area of Virginia.  It was a remarkable place at that time because there was a real community where everyone knew everyone else.  When I was a kid that could be both a blessing and a curse.  I wasn't allowed to get away with much in that town!

I still have an affinity for small towns.  Many times when I drive, I try to go off the beaten path and travel the backroads.  There are still fascinating places where every one still knows your family and where the old "dead" buildings are still allowed to stand.  It's nice to see old buildings still standing. It seems that their "soul" is taken away when they are torn down. Once proud, they now stand as reminders of the town's past. I like the idea that they are still there.

My home town used to be like that. When I was a kid, the county never had a stop light. Although the heart of the village hasn't changed much, the surrounding area has changed tremendously.  When I drive along the main highway leading to the village, I hardly recognize the way it used to be.  It boasts a Super Walmart, and all the little Mom and Pop stores have closed up.  I don't like what the mega stores have done to the landscape or the charm of the place.  Now the uniqueness of the place has been degraded and it has been made the same as every other urbanized area.   Open land that used to be wooded or farm fields has been replaced by more fast food joints, WalMarts, endless gas stations, and many empty strip malls.  Nothing unique about that.

I used to take for granted the beauty of the countryside where I grew up.   Now all I can see is how the developers have ruined the landscape. I remember a hill overlooking a hay field where I would go in high school when I wanted to be alone.  It was a stunning place to sit and watch the sunset, throwing sunbeams on the golden hay.  I would sit by the edge of the woods and look out over the rolling hay fields and feel such peace. When I was in college I went back to that same spot and looked out over a whole field of patio homes. Every one looked just like the other. It made me painfully realize that nothing remains the same, no matter how near perfect it is.  Someone or something will come along to mess with it.

Life is just like that. Just when we have found something that is beautiful and moving, someone or something will likely try to mess it up. I'm grateful that Al-Anon helps me keep going during difficult situations where I have a potential to really mess things up. I'm finding more and more that my life feels altered but in a good way. I can still appreciate the beauty of life and all that it has to offer even during the most challenging of times. There is so much to learn and so much more growth to have.

Rainy day

The rain has been pouring down here all day.  The plants have been in need of a good soaking rain.  The garden is doing well but will probably need weeding after this torrent.

There is a wetland near the house and the croaking of the frogs is really a happy sound.  Before today, the cypress knees weren't covered,  but by this evening there has been so much rain that the wetland is filled up.  I like to see it filled because it means that deer and other mammals can get a good drink from the water there.

I've had a problem with a pesky raccoon who likes to come up on the deck and drink out of the water garden that we have under the bed room window nearest the bed.  C. has put some lovely water plants in a large container there.  Every morning we find the plants are rearranged and the water nearly gone. Last night, I staked out the spot where this was happening and saw a huge raccoon come on the deck, meander over to the container and proceed to rummage around in it.  So it appears that we are going to have to put another container of just water on the deck for the raccoons.  Or maybe since there is water in the wetland, they will go down there for a drink. 

I really like a rainy day like today.  I stayed home most of the day and then left to go to my Piloting class tonight.  It is a relief to get back home and off the highway.  It's hard to see well on these dark country roads.  I always hope and pray that I won't hit an animal as I go along the road.  Since we moved out here, I haven't hit one--not an opossum, deer, raccoon, coyote, or dog.  I think that I would be devastated to hit some poor animal wandering across the highway. 

Well, I'm going to turn in.  My eyes are tired from plotting positions on a chart.  I am sure that I'll sleep right through the raccoon invasion of the night.  If you have any ideas on how to keep them out of a water garden, let me know.  And no, shooting them is not an option!

From my perspective

I received the following comment on a post:

"Let me get this right: you're in recovery from someone else's drinking..?

I don't mean to demean or belittle your experience in any way as it's obviously affected you very deeply, but nothing I've read here describes the dark times you must have gone through.

Would you consider writing about that? I've never read a story of alcoholism from the sober person's perspective. There are quite a few blogs with names like Broken Hearted Mom, Parents of an Addict etc but I've read nothing by an alcohol survivor - that is the person who was at the sharp end of all the mood swings, the bad behaviour, the attitudes. The person who sat by their friend all night just checking they were still breathing..."

I have written a lot on this blog about alcoholism and its effects on me.  I have written about the dark times for the alcoholics in my life and about my dark times as well.  But I don't particularly find that revisiting the worse moments over and over to be helpful to me now.  It is like listening to a drunkalog over and over--after a while everyone knows the story of what happened and what being really drunk is like. 

Eventually there is a downwardly progressing spiral until a physical, emotional and spiritual bottom is reached. It isn't a pleasant ride.  And being the person who watches this happen to a loved one is also unpleasant.  Watching it long enough and trying to control the drinking of another is a good way to drive yourself crazy.  And that's basically what happens after years of living with alcoholism. But where is the solution and where does recovery fit in? That holds a more important message for me than recounting the horrors of living with an alcoholic. 

What I prefer to write about is the solution and not about the pain.  I prefer to dwell on what I am doing in Al-Anon to help focus on myself and not on what the alcoholic is doing. I finally resigned myself to the fact that I couldn't cure anyone elses alcoholism.  They had to do that for themselves with the help of their Higher Power and a program of recovery for them. 

So I work on my recovery from the effects of living with alcoholics.  I have many of the same issues that drove the alcoholic to drink.  I, too, suffer from low self-esteem, anger, fear, and a host of other character defects. Some of these were those that helped me to cope with the dysfunctional family situation when I was a kid. Others have taken hold over the years of being married to an active alcoholic. It isn't an easy thing and eventually I was as sick or sicker than the alcoholic.

Al-Anon's 12 steps have helped me to realize that I can't cure or control another. Because the program is a spiritual one, I have come to believe that another person cannot be my sole focus and that there is a power greater than myself.

I know that misery is based on the choices that I make. I can choose to be happy by getting as much of the drama out of my life as I can. I can choose to live one day at a time and make this day count. I can mind my own business and not get overwhelmed by the problems of others. So it comes down to whether I choose misery or happiness. I like the happiness idea myself. My story isn't unique. It is told over and over by thousands of people who love an alcoholic/addict.

I think that recovery for me is a life long journey.  I have pieced together many hours of serenity and peacefulness since beginning recovery.  I no longer have great anxiety and a lot of desperate thoughts. The people in my life are sober and working on their own recovery. That is their journey.  I am still moving forward with mine.

There is only this one life. And it doesn't have to be filled with heartache and sadness. There is a solution and it is one that involves reaching out for help. I learned that I needed help and took action to do something about it.  I have found that if I simply reach out my hand, there will be someone there to grab it.

Rally for recovery

Today I am at the Rally for Recovery event downtown. There is music, information from various groups associated with recovery. My sponsor and I are handing out pamphlets and answering questions at the Al-Anon table.




It's a beautiful day with a nice breeze blowing. I've met a number of great people who are grateful to be in recovery. It's a good day to carry the message to others. One of the messages that I heard was that by our silence we let others define us. I am learning to define myself. Hope does float.

A nice evening

We are out shrimping tonight. The poles are out and the bait balls have been thrown around each one. We are sitting at anchor waiting for the sun to go down.



The marsh is filled with the sound of clapper rails. A gentle breeze is blowing. There is just a hint of coolness in the air, enough to warrant a long sleeved shirt. This is a truly lovely time of day.

I don't know whether we will catch any shrimp. It's really just being here that is fun. We make quite the duo for this adventure. I will be casting and C. will be driving the boat. She promised not to throw me off the bow, and I promised not to entangle her in the net.

Today was a good meeting on choices. Don't we have a lot of those in this life? Some of mine have been good and some were just knee jerk choices. Today I have the advantage of a program that tells me to inventory my feelings and to consider my motives for the choices I make. I believe that when my head and heart are aligned, I am being guided by my Higher Power to the right choice.



Tonight the choice is to enjoy a beautiful evening, have some fun, and maybe catch some dinner as an added bonus.

PS: We caught about five pounds which means there were about 0.2 shrimp per cast.  But the main thing is we had a great time and a lot of hope: "They are going to start coming out of the marsh at any minute" or "Maybe the next cast will have 25 shrimp in the net" or "Things will start to pick up soon" and then finally resignation: "Well, we have enough for shrimp and grits".  Always the optimist! 

Engines

I started my engine maintenance class tonight.  It is interesting, but I can tell that I have a lot to learn. The principles of various engines and their characteristics are somewhat foreign to me. 

I am really tired after a day of studying from my other class and not getting back late tonight from the one on engines.  Dave was right: I am busier in retirement than when I was working.

So I'm going to go to bed because my head hurts and my eyes are bleary from reading.  I'll close with an engine joke:

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a marine diesel mechanic.

So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."

Good night.

An extraordinary day

Today was closing day on Sojourner.  It seemed sort of anticlimactic but nonetheless wonderful.  I simply went to the offices of the yacht broker, handed over a check for the amount, and received the documentation and bill of sale.  No fuss, no fanfare--just a feeling of relief to have jumped through the hoops and finally close the deal. She is officially ours.  And I felt a rush of excitement tinged with some feelings of sadness that Compass Rose will soon be pulled from the water and stored.  As I told my wife, I hope that Sojourner will be as good to me as Compass Rose has been. 

After closing on the boat,  I went to the boat yard where she is sitting up on jacks and filled out a work order to get her bottom painted (red),  her boot top painted blue, her sheer line painted blue, and her hull waxed and buffed.  After that, she will go in the water and will be taken to the marina where we will transfer things from Compass Rose to Sojourner.  I hope that our first coastal voyage will be to the nearby Wooden Boat Festival. 

Today was also the 21st. anniversary of Hurricane Hugo's arrival to this area.  Some memories fade away, but the memory of that night and the morning after will stick with me for a life time.  Every time the wind blows hard I remember.  And every time there is discussion of a Cape Verde tropical disturbance, I feel a little knot inside wondering whether this could be another monster storm heading to remind us of how small we really are and how ephemeral all our possessions are.

I am thankful that tonight there aren't any raging winds and no feelings of anxiety.  I am just glad to have had a full day of life's goodness, topped off by a good meeting tonight on resentment.  Who hasn't had a few of those?  But I'm not feeling any resentment tonight.  I am filled with a feeling of tired peacefulness and much gratitude.

Celebrate myself

We went fishing this morning, taking the john boat out to a creek lined with oysters.  We cast plugs into the riffles of ebbing tide and were rewarded by catching (and releasing) six spot tail bass.  Eating our sandwiches and drinking our tea, we enjoyed watching the oyster catchers as they walked on the bank looking for the occasional crab.  They are beautiful, just as the marsh is beautiful and the fish that swim at its edges.  It was a wonderful way to spend most of the day.

Yesterday I attended the memorial service for a long-time member of the Al-Anon program.  It was a simple service of the kind that he would have liked.  One of his favorite slogans was Keep It Simple.  There was some Mozart played, which offered a perfect opportunity to meditate and clear the head of unnecessary thoughts.  A few people got up to speak about what a gentle and kind soul this fellow was.  He sponsored quite a few people, attended meetings right up to the last few weeks of his life and truly showed what it was like to not complain even as he lay dying.  He said that he thought that death was just another part of the journey and a great adventure to really see what was beyond.

How appropriate that a part of one of my favorite poems "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman was read.  I think that this captures the spirit of someone who realizes that death is an adventurous trip into the unknown. 

What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere,
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the
end to arrest it,
And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier.

Has any one supposed it lucky to be born?
I hasten to inform him or her it is just as lucky to die, and I know it.

And my favorite part of Song of Myself is the following:

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,

And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

This tells me that we are not really separate as we would like to think. We are all in this together, kindred souls on a great journey.  And what a great journey it is.

Death and life

Clara slipped away very easily for which I am grateful.  We got to spend time with her and hold her.  The cancer had moved so quickly that she was weak but still had a bit of a tail wag.  I know that it was her time.   I could see it in her eyes.

I wonder sometimes at the wisdom of Dr. Kevorkian who I think has the right idea for people no longer wishing to prolong their pain.  What is the point to be put through so much when the body and mind says that it is time to go?  Maybe at some point we humans will be able to make that kind of choice without a lot of legal consequences. I am not going to write much more on that other than to say that I would hope for a quick death without lingering misery. 

Today one of the puppies, who we had nursed with a bottle for three weeks after she was born, came to visit. When she was born, she was so tiny and not strong enough to grab hold of a teat and nurse.  I was determined to save her so C. and I began to offer her a small bottle filled with puppy formula.  We called her Pinky because she had such a bright pink tongue.  Pinky didn't take to the bottle immediately but gradually, wrapped in a warm heating pad, she learned to wrap her mouth around the nipple and form a strong suction.  She would nurse until almost the entire bottle was drained and her stomach was bulging. 

We kept up the nursing for 3 weeks, intermittently putting her with her mother to also get milk from her.  It was a happy story because the people who came to see the puppies decided that little Pinky, with her strong desire to live, was the puppy they wanted.  And today, they stopped by as they were driving back to NC to bring her to see us.  She is now seven years old and is beautiful.  She played in the fenced paddock with some of the other dogs.  They love her so much which is the way it should be. It felt so right to have her come to visit on the day after Clara left. 

Thanks to you, my blogging friends, for your comments and kind thoughts.  C. and I read every one out loud and we cried and smiled.  You guys are the best.

Clarabelle

Tonight we learned that Clarabelle has metastatic cancer.  She was not improving on the medication, although the diuretics cleared up her chest and lungs enough to get a good x-ray.  The x-ray today showed a number of large masses in her abdomen and lungs. 

Sadly, her mother died of liver cancer when she was just nine.  Clara is only eight, which is far too young to leave this life.  But she is starting to waste away from not eating.  We have been feeding her through large oral syringes, thinking that the antibiotics were making her have an upset stomach.  Now we know that there is nothing to be done but to let her go tomorrow. 

We have an appointment in the afternoon to have her euthanized.  We did some extraordinary things to keep her mother going, but I don't think it was in her best interest.  This time, we decided not to prolong the inevitable.   I realize that dogs are so special.  I wish that we had more time to have her with us. But that would be selfish. 

This is going to be hard.  It always is.  There is no getting around the pain of making the decision to let a beloved companion go.  And then to deal with the loss of such a happy spirit.  We are both so sad tonight.

The magic of books

I have been reading tonight until my eyes are bleary.  It's the text for the course I'm taking.  I really enjoy reading and have since I was a kid.  I was encouraged by my parents to read, and I had varied and eclectic tastes. 

I would send away for books and eagerly await their arrival. Some of these were ones that I wasn't allowed to check out of the small town library or weren't available there. The librarian had an idea that no young man should be reading D.H. Lawrence.  She censored a lot of books.  My mother would often have to send a note with me telling the librarian that I was allowed to read whatever I wanted. The librarian would "harumph" but allow me to check out the books because of the note (and fear of my mother).

I remember my fascination with reading all of Robert Ruark's novels on Africa. I remember reading Gone with the Wind and wondering what the hell was wrong with Scarlett. I remember reading all of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and wondering about the meandering sentences of Faulkner's great novels. Just the titles would make me dream: Light in August, As I Lay Dying, Intruder in the Dust, the Sound and the Fury. It was only later after I read the biographies that I learned that these literary greats were alcoholic and had a lot of other issues going on. But at that time, I didn't realize that their writing was linked with their pain.

Reading has always been one of the best ways that I know to relax and stay serene. It is like a journey for me. It was also an outlet for a small town dreamer.  And some of the novels of that time gave me my first ideas about sex and how to be a man.  After all the years, I still find great comfort in books. There are stacks on the night table. I have the daily Al-Anon readers, the Big Book, the AA Twelve and Twelve, a couple of books on solo sailing around the world, and a book on restoring an old schooner.  That's this week's pile. Next week there may be something different in the mix.

I like to remember those summer days when  school was out and I could read as much as I wanted,  I would collect books for my own library. My tastes were eclectic then as they are now. I had natural history books, art books, and novels. I would open each carefully, smell the pages, drape my long legs across the porch glider, and read until dark would come. It was magic for me. And it pretty much still is.

Baiting time

Laying out the poles for shrimp baiting

It's shrimp baiting season in this state.  This means that it's crazy on the water with lots of people out in boats casting nets over bait for shrimp.

It seems that every person is out in a boat with their cast net.  The technique is pretty simple.  There are 10 long poles that are placed near high tide.  The long poles are used to mark a specific location, and then bait is thrown in the water near the pole. After several minutes the cast net is thrown as close to the bait as possible and the shrimp are caught in the net. Bait is generally put down as the tide ebbs and water runs out of the marsh grass.

Showing how a perfect cast looks. 

The bait balls can be made of just about anything a shrimp will eat. The most common bait is a mixture of powdered clay and ground menhaden. The clay acts as a binding agent so that the bait balls stay together for several casts. This is stinky work, making the bait balls. But the shrimp appear to love it.

We enjoy going out and catching enough shrimp to fill our freezer.  Sometimes we catch about 20 pounds in a night.  The allowable limit is enough shrimp with their heads still attached to fill a 48-quart cooler per day, or 29 quarts without heads. That seems like a huge number.  And when you consider that people go night after night and catch this amount,  you begin to wonder what they do with the shrimp.  Some probably sell their shrimp which is against the law. Others share their catch with family and friends or they eat shrimp for every meal.

The instate license to bait is pretty cheap. So there will be a lot of people on the water here at night.  In fact, it will be hard to find a quiet spot to moor the boat due to all the activity.

I remember an analogy one of my friends made about shrimp baiting and casting.  He said that when there are problems in life that appear unmanageable, he throws out a spiritual cast net to surround the problem and lets God pull in the net. It's a great vision and especially appropriate considering the activity on the waterways.

Is love a decision?

I have thought of love as a feeling.  When it is getting started, it is such a rush of emotion.  I can't imagine how anything could be more powerful.  But maybe after all the hormones get roused and then routine sets in, love becomes more of a decision than a feeling.  It's hard to know what love is because it can sometimes be such an intense feeling while at other times, I think that it is a momentous decision.

Dictionaries define love simply as "an intense feeling of deep affection". So that would mean that love is at the level of other feelings like anger, sadness, happiness. But then there is the other concept of love being a conscious decision to care for someone. Obviously, there are going to be times when you don't feel much love, yet you have decided that overall you do love the person in spite of all their warts and other unlovable things.

But maybe there's a third option here that relates more to chemical dependency. There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you're in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we're in long-term relationships.

The falling in love part comes with those feelings of giddiness and a racing heart, flushed skin, and pure bliss. These physiological feelings come from the chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine that are released into our system. Dopamine is called the "pleasure chemical". Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. Together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. So there appears to be a reason for feeling "love sick" and addicted to love. And it is mighty powerful stuff.

MRI's have been used to examine the brains of people who are looking a photo of their romantic interest during the initial crazed stage of attraction. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine -- associated with euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens focus, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. What this means is that couples in this stage of love think of little else but each other. Definitely I have done that, so much that I couldn't sleep.

Other research has shown that the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage may be the result of lower levels of serotonin. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love "obsess" about their partner.  And this is a behavior that I see wasn't healthy at all, but I'm glad that someone has a physiological reason for it.

But these chemicals can't be sustained for a long period of time and gradually the passionate focus-crazed love-attraction phase wanes and is replaced by commitment, if the relationship continues.

Maybe this is where the decision part comes into play. Love at this stage isn't about chemicals as much as it is about choices. And sacrifice and concern for the other person. As one writer put it, love is about stubbornness and the ability to stick with a person through the worst of times.

And that's where I am glad that Al-Anon comes into play. Because if love were just a feeling and not a decision, I don't think that I would still be married. It seems that the longer you're with a person, the more that love becomes a decision.

Maybe after a while there is just too much history between the two people to consider parting.  It is just too much trouble to sort through what's yours and what's mine.  Maybe there is much truth to the fact that keeping a relationship healthy requires immovability.  And once you have lived a combined life for so long, who has the energy to figure out who owns the original Bob Dylan Highway 61 and who owns the Let It Bleed album by the Stones?

Getting behinder

I can tell after my first night in this course that I have a lot to learn about plotting.  Not the kind of plotting in which I am scheming but the kind where I use a divider and a protractor plotter.  I really like the course thus far and thoroughly enjoyed the two hours in the classroom and the 2 hours of study after the class was over. 

This is the type of thing that I thrive in.  I simply enjoy lectures, reading, and putting information to practical use.  I probably could have been a professional student if I hadn't had to get out and actually get a job.  Things that I would have liked to continue to study would have been art history, English literature, French, German, anatomy, and all aspects of navigation and piloting.  An explosion of neurons is taking place as I rev up to work on this course.  It will run for 11 weeks.  And I am supposed to take another one on engine maintenance starting next week.  I feel as if I am back in graduate school. 

So tonight I got home after 10 PM.  I missed my home group meeting and won't make that for another 10 weeks.  That is a down side to my continued education as a mariner.  All I know is that I have a passion for learning as much as I can.  I will get back to home group as soon as I can.  In the meantime, I will be plotting a course to get from point A to point B. 

It is kind of like Al-Anon which is about the journey and not the destination, with lots of way points thrown in.  And my job is to avoid the problems as I navigate so that I can arrive safely.  I can tell that this is going to be a lot of fun and a good challenge. 

The man in the moon

There is a huge crescent moon in the night sky.  It tells me that it won't be long before the Harvest Moon will come up, as big as life.  To me, this is another sign of fall.  The sycamore leaves are turning brown, an indication of shortening days.  Although today was hot, I know that cooler weather will get here eventually. It just takes its time getting to this part of the country.

I am grateful for a lot of things tonight.  I am reminded again of how small but precious my family is.  My wife and her parents are my closest family.  My parents are gone. We have no children and were only children ourselves.  Her aging parents are struggling a bit with health problems that come as they approach 90 years of age.  On Friday, C.'s dad was hospitalized again for blood loss due to intestinal bleeding.  He is still in the hospital but is stable and appears to have perked up.

I know that it is going to be very hard on C. when her parents die. It's going to be hard when one goes and the other is left behind.  They have been married 67 years. Her dad was telling the nurses that on Friday evening.  And they were marveling at the longevity of the marriage.  When most relationships are over in just a few years,  it is hard to think in terms of so many years together.  And I know that not all those years were easy ones.

How do you face the loss when a person has been a part of your life for that long?  I guess you just move languidly through your days.  And with each passing day, the pain will get a bit less.  Or maybe you decide that after 67 years together, it isn't worth going on.  I have a feeling that it will be the latter with her parents.  They are truly dependent on each other.

Whatever happens, the moon will still be there, the rivers will still flow,  the leaves on the sycamores will turn brown, and the seasons will change.  I like to think that the man in the moon is looking down and smiling in anticipation of giving us a spectacular show at the end of September.  And I am grateful to have my small but much loved family still here.  One day, one hour, one heartbeat at a time........

Unity

I guess that everyone remembers what they were doing on September 11,  2001. I had taken my mother for an ECT treatment for her depression and was sitting in the family lounge at the hospital when the TV announced that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. Then the second plane flew in and the rest is history, as they say.

I didn't know the repercussions of what had happened and how far reaching the aftermath would be, but I felt a sick feeling that this act would bring about a war, more bloodshed, and perhaps threaten the world as no other conflict had. Some of my earliest thoughts weren't off the mark. We have a war, we have more bloodshed. Although our world continues to revolve around the sun, I feel restless about the well-being of this country and the state of the world in general.

I thought that the days immediately after 9/11 were ones of unity for the country.  It was as if the tragedy brought us together.  We didn't really care whether we were Democrat or Republican.  I thought that spirit of unity would continue but alas, it seems that the unity has become replaced by separatism.  Many are suspicious of others because they have a different religion or a different skin color.  The years of spending on war have come at great cost to the social, educational, environmental, and health conditions of the country and world. Our fabric has begun to unravel.

I was hoping that the tragedy of 9/11 would be the kind of wake up call to this country that would bring about something positive in the world. That we would be looked upon with respect because we had learned to take care of each other here so that people would be better educated, have better health care, housing, and a feeling of connection to the other nations in the world.

Yet, now we seem more divisive as a nation than ever.  I don't understand the hatred that we exhibit towards others who think differently or act differently.  I think that the real tragedy these years after 9/11 is that we haven't learned real lessons about the rest of the world and how to take the best of this country and use it to the benefit of our own people and other nations.  President Kennedy, in his speech inaugurating the Peace Corps, said something like: "Those who have so much will not be able to keep it if they are unwilling to share with those who have so little." In other words, we have to give it away, in order to keep it.

image credit

Genuine, national self examination would be a tribute to those who tragically died on 9/11. Perhaps we need to think about what unites us together and not what our differences are.  Maybe if we each do our best to understand and not condemn, to speak our own truth and not what we are fed by entertainers, and to pull together with compassion today, it will be a small but powerful start.

Tired today

I am having too much fun in retirement.  Today I was totally beat after fishing for much of the afternoon and then going to the Sail and Power Squadron dinner last night.  It was an interesting and cordial bunch of folks.  In fact, it was probably the friendliest group of people that I have been around in a long time. They were so interested in my boats and my career.  The food at the dinner was great--Lowcountry Boil (aka Frogmore Stew) with local shrimp, Italian sausages, corn, and potatoes all cooked in a spicy mix.  Delicious!

Of course,  I had to get sworn in (actually raising my right hand) and pledge allegiance to the flag. I had not done that since grade school.  I also couldn't help noticing that all the commanders of the group were men.  And that they didn't recycle.  The latter is something that I think bears a suggestion to change. I decided to join this group because they offer some great courses.  On Monday, I start taking Piloting and later in the month I will take a course on Engine Maintenance.  I will miss my home group meeting on Monday night but do need the courses with the new boat. 

After getting home from the dinner last night,  I stayed up until 1 AM reading the paper.   That is probably a bad idea because I have to remind myself that I am powerless over people who think that their way is the only way (=Florida minister who thinks burning the Qu'ran is a good idea).  I just hope that good sense will prevail.  I may just be futilely optimistic.

Now it's time for some dinner. And then I'm turning in for the night.  Too tired to do much else now! 

Fish stories

I went fishing today.  It was another good day to be on the water.  This time I took the flats boat to be able to get into very shallow water and fish the outgoing tide.  I used to fish a lot when I was a kid. My father was a recreational fisherman who really knew the water.  He first set me up with a hand line and as I got older and more capable, I graduated to a fishing rod with a Penn reel.

Later in graduate school, I would surf fish on the outer banks.  I built my own rods from blanks.  We called those long rods Hatteras Heavers.  Those were the days of sleeping in my truck on the beach, fishing the outgoing tide for blue fish and red drum, standing around a camp fire, telling fishing yarns and having a few beers.  It was serious fun. 

Sadly enough, two fellows who used to go with me died way too young.  One died from complications of falling off a pier at a Christmas party after getting drunk and passing out.  Those attending to him were also drunk, so when they picked him up and carried him, his spinal nerve was severed/damaged to such an extent that he became a quadraplegic.  He later died from the severity of this condition.  Another friend developed a brain tumor and died within six months of diagnosis.  I still have photos of all of us on the beach enjoying the comraderie and eating fresh fish cooked up in a skillet with some garlic, olive oil, and a bit of soy sauce.   It all seems like yesterday.  

Anymore, my fishing time has been limited by work and sailing.  But today, in mid-week, it just seemed like the perfect thing to do.  So I set out to fish the marsh fringes on the falling tide. 

At first there was a bonnet head shark and then a few small sting rays.  All the fish were caught on circle hooks which prevents swallowing of the hook.  Each fish was released after being caught. 

This poor bonnet head shark looked really scared.  He was fine though after getting the hook out of his lip and gladly swam away.

A small sting ray.  Note the circle hook which is easy to remove and prevents damage to the gullet.

 Finally, a school of red drum moved in after maximum ebb tide.  The oyster reefs were exposed and the drum were feeding on shrimp and crab around the submerged parts of the reef.  It was a lot of fun to catch these 7-8 pound fish.  Note that the hook is being removed by a telescoping device that acts a lot like forceps. 

Finally, it was time to head home.  All fish were released alive and swam away.  I don't like to kill anything anymore.  I guess that I have gotten really gentle as I've gotten older.  Hopefully, these fish will grow, reproduce, and provide some excitement for another day.  And maybe some kid will enjoy spending a day on the water fishing.  Today I was that kid.

Terminally unique

I have heard the expression of being "terminally unique" which is often an attitude that is used to exempt a person from some of the principles of Al-Anon and the twelve steps.  I experienced that attitude of uniqueness for years.  I thought that I was different from others and that no one else could possibly have experienced the rotten things that I had.  I realize that thinking I was different from others not only isolated me in life but kept me away from the benefits of recovery. 

It isn't unusual to hear someone talk about how difficult their situation is.  Their misery is much greater because they have a child who is on the streets whereas others have a much less burdensome situation with an alcoholic spouse.  I don't have children so I can't identify.  I am sure their pain is a harsh and hard thing.  But I have also heard in Al-Anon that we don't compare our burdens and pain.  To me, living with an alcoholic for many years was very painful. 

Fortunately, when I went to my first meeting I heard others talk about their alcoholic spouses.  I could tell that I belonged.  I didn't think that I was so different because of education, financial situation or any other reason.  I could identify with what I heard. 

Last night, a couple at the Beginner's Meeting shared about how difficult is was for them to let their addict son go.  He is active and living with them.  The father said that having a child who has problems with drugs or alcohol is different from having a spouse who has those problems.  Yes, I suppose it could be.  But isn't the end result the same--that if I keep doing the same things over and over and those things don't work, that perhaps I need to consider other options?

I believe in the end, we have far more similarities than differences in our desire to help those we love.  I think that each of us who come to Al-Anon are there because we are desperate.  Some are desperate to help the alcoholic, while others are desperate to save ourselves from what has become a miserable existence.   I am glad that I was at the point of being desperate enough to save myself.  I had reached my breaking point and knew that I was beaten by alcoholism. 

I suspect that the couple whose son is still actively using were there to save him.  They left half way through the regular meeting.  I was sorry to see them go but perhaps they haven't reached the point where they realize that fixing their son isn't possible.  There is one thing for sure, we are each unique--just like everyone else.

One percent of the time

I received a comment from a reader about difficulties and trust issues with his wife who is alcoholic. He wrote:

"My spouse is an alcoholic ... she blames her drinking on me. She calls me controlling because I ask her where she's going or what she's doing ... or that I don't like to give her cash.

She calls me insecure because I don't always trust her ...

It seems our lives are great 99% of the time and 1% destroys all the good.

I feel like she'd rather drink then be in this relationship ... help."

I can remember for many years how I stayed silent in misery, convinced that no one else could possibly have the misery in their life like I did.

It didn't matter that most of the days were good ones. I could really only see the times when things didn't turn out the way that I wanted them to be. Or the times that I was let down. I had built up a lot of resentment that tended to overshadow all that was good.

The help that I needed didn't come for many years, until the resentment had nearly consumed me. I didn't have any trust when it came to our relationship. I had been lied to so many times. I wanted to put an end to my misery but had no idea how to do that.

Finally, a friend who knew what was going on told me that I needed to go to Al- Anon. He said that it would make a big difference in my life. He also said that I would have a better understanding of the disease of alcoholism and what it had done to me.

So I am saying to any one out there who feels as if their relationship with another is being ruined by alcoholism, go to an Al- Anon meeting. Give it a try for at least six meetings. See if you don't hear your story told in those meetings.

And you will likely hear about something called the Three C's. This little slogan means that with alcoholism "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". This tells me that I'm not responsible for someone else's drinking. And I cannot stop them from drinking.

What I had to learn to do was address my own issues of trying to "fix" another person and make her well. Some of these issues that I had as a result of my being around alcoholism were very self-destructive. The controlling behavior, the anger, sadness and fear made life miserable.

What I've come to learn through Al-Anon, is that the alcoholics in my life don't drink because of me. They drink because they are alcoholics. Nothing that I can say or do will change that. Instead I have learned to work on myself and to take care of myself. When I do that, then I can begin to recover from the effect that the disease has had on me.

The first part of the Three C's is that I didn't cause my loved one's alcoholism. Nothing I did caused the alcoholic to drink. The drinking started many years before I even knew the alcoholics in my life. What I heard from my wife was a lot of blame thrown at me for just being me. It's not unusual for alcoholics to cast blame on the people who are closest to them. This is simply an attempt to justify the drinking. By accepting that I didn't cause alcoholism, I am relieved of guilt that I could have done things differently in my marriage. I learned that no matter what I would have done, nothing would have been different for the alcoholic. It's an illness/disease that caused the problem, not me.

Learning that you can't control your loved one's behavior is another crucial part of recovery. You can share your thoughts and feelings with an alcoholic. You can even impose certain consequences if your loved one drinks. But the decision to seek recovery is one that only your loved one can make. For some, this means watching a descent into the abyss. I had to learn to detach and no longer manipulate situations so that the alcoholic would't drink.

The final part of the Three C's is understanding that I can't cure my loved one's alcoholism. There is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholics may fully recover from alcoholism, but there is no treatment that allows alcoholics to return to moderate drinking. Although it's best for an alcoholic to completely abstain from alcohol, the decision to abstain rests with the alcoholic, not me. By not being able to cure alcoholism, I don't need to repeat all the same old things over and over hoping to find a solution. There is no magic cure I can provide. I've learned that I don't need to exhaust myself hoping that the "last ditch" effort will make the drinking stop. I know now that the best help an alcoholic can get is from another recovered alcoholic.

Remembering these three points has allowed me to respond to an alcoholic's behavior by taking care of myself rather than reacting based on anxiety or resentment. If I start feeling anger, fear and resentment, then I will take the steps necessary to stop my destructive thoughts and get back into myself. This may involve leaving for a while, calling my sponsor, going to do something that I want to do or a host of other things that will get the focus off the alcoholic and onto me. And this is the essence of detaching with love.

I hope that you find the help that you need so that the 1% doesn't destroy all the good that life offers.

One minute

The sunset was spectacular last night. It was a great way to end the day. I turned on the little stereo, hooked up the iPod to it and listened to some good tunes as the night came on.


There weren't many boats as the sun went down. One by one each had pulled up anchor and left for home. Finally, it was just me and my boat left. I turned off the music so Nature's own would be heard. Now the crashing of the waves, the lapping of water on the hull, and the breathing of the dolphins as they surfaced were the only sounds.

I shut my eyes and just listened for a minute. I pushed all the thoughts from my head, just wanting to blank out and let the peace of this place roll over me. It is easy to do this here but not so easy at other places. If I can hold the image of the sunset and the sounds in my head, then I believe that I can pause wherever I am, take a minute and feel peace of mind.

It has been a tiring couple of days. Not really bad just filled with information that I needed to process. Life is like that--one minute peace and the next agitation. But maybe I can create my own peace in the midst of agitation if I remember this moment.

The great divide

He was looking forward to the party and meeting some of her friends. There weren't many opportunities to socialize in this small town. He also was so happy to be with her, pleased to be included in her circle of friends.

They arrived at the party and people greeted her. She didn't bother introducing him. He thought that perhaps this was just an oversight. After all, she hadn't seen some of these people in a while.

So he wandered off to meet people on his own. He stuck his hand out and told people his name, saying how nice it was to meet them. Eventually, he wandered back to where she stood, talking to a fellow that he hadn't met yet. He stood nearby, waiting awkwardly to be introduced. Finally, during a break in the conversation, he introduced himself. The other fellow looked at her and said "Are you two an item?" She quickly said "No" with such finality that he felt his heart shrink and shrivel in his chest.

The other fellow looked perplexed and cast his eyes down. She went on talking, ignoring the one she came with. He stood there awkwardly, hardly able to breathe.

Finally, he knew that he would not fit into her world. He was discarded just as surely as yesterday's garbage. He understood at last that a vast divide stood between them, a deep schism of the psyche that his love could not bridge. He turned to her and said "I am going now" and walked out the door to start his long walk home.

Note: This event actually happened although the details have been left unspecific. It reminds me how difficult it is to love someone who doesn't understand the concept, except as it applies to themselves. Narcissistic and alcoholic to the end, the divide will only widen until one of them is completely lost.

The God of my Understanding

I read yesterday that reknowned physicist Stephen Hawking said that God had no role in the creation of the universe. In his new book "The Grand Design," he says that given the existence of gravity, "the universe can and will create itself from nothing."  My first thought was that perhaps gravity is his Higher Power.

He further states, “Some would claim the answer ...... is that there is a God who chose to create the universe that way. It is reasonable to ask who or what created the universe, but if the answer is God, then the question has merely been deflected to that of who created God. In this view it is accepted that some entity exists that needs no creator, and that entity is called God. This is known as the first-cause argument for the existence of God. We claim, however, that it is possible to answer these questions purely within the realm of science, and without invoking any divine beings."

That's the wonder of this program--that I can have a God of my understanding that can be whatever is greater than I.  And that covers a lot of things, including gravity and many other forces of nature. 

Before Al-Anon, my Higher Power happened to be whoever I was in love with at the time.  I would spend most of my time thinking about that person.  That continued until there was irrefutable evidence that another person being my Higher Power was just not going to work.  For one thing,  there wasn't any unconditional love coming from people.  Eventually, even my parents couldn't give me that.  And relying on another person for my happiness turned out to be a big fiasco.  So I was left in disbelief and a whole lot of doubt. 

When I worked Steps Two and Three, the God of my understanding started out being the Al-Anon group itself.  I could see their collective wisdom for a long time, until I began to see that they too struggled.  I now have focused more on my HP as being a force of energy that encompasses all of those who are with me now and all those who have come before.  This "composite" spiritual being gently nurtures me and loves me regardless of my character defects. It is now a trust that I have and a confidence that no matter how bad things are, my HP that is something greater than me, will see me through. 

I feel closest to my HP when I'm near the water and watch the waves and might of the ocean. Even though there can be confused seas and turbulent times, there is an eternal rhythm to the waves given by the tides. Our lives will also ebb and flow but the HP will be there to keep us in rhythm.

A little of this and that

We have been keeping our eye on the big hurricane out in the Atlantic, glued to the Weather Channel and listening to Wx on VHF.  It won't impact things here, other than to create some big surf and strong rip currents.  There will likely be big swells coming into the harbor, especially on flood tide. 

I don't like hurricane season, remembering all too well the mess that Hugo left here. I hope that friends in NC, Virginia and New England will be safe from the storm.  I know that there is a price to pay for living along the coast, especially on the barrier islands.  Building a house on shifting sands has its problems.

It may be a weekend on land because rocking on the boat at the anchorage isn't much fun.  It's also supposed to be hot tomorrow with temps around 96.  It's hard for the old "heart" dog when temperatures are above 90 F.  Back to summer temporarily, I guess.

On the dog front,  one of our girls, Clarabelle, has been sick.  It started as a cough but after extensive tests and x rays, there is fluid in the lungs and in the chest cavity, but no definitive diagnosis.  It could be congestive heart failure or pneumonia.  She is on diuretics and strong antibiotics. She is eating and drinking well which is good.  I am encouraged but still concerned.  She is a sweet heart. Our dogs are like our kids in many ways.

Clarabelle

I am waiting to close on Sojourner.  She is still up on jacks at the boat yard.  I am looking forward to doing quite a few things on her once she is out of the yard.  I'll be putting down new non-skid on the deck,  adding a coat of high gloss varnish on the teak interior, and getting a new dodger and mainsail cover made.  It will be a beautiful hole in the water that I toss money into.  That's okay because who doesn't like to spend money on a beautiful lady?

I'm going to go to the noon meeting today.  It is mostly pure Al-Anon at this meeting.  I have lately found myself gravitating to those meetings where Al-Anon is spoken and recovery in that program is strong.  I believe in our singleness of purpose and don't want to see our meetings diluted by those who don't carry the message.  I have read bloggers who write about fears that AA is being diluted.  I often feel that in those meetings where the message appears to be more AA than Al-Anon. 

After the meeting then I will get some more things done around the house.  The seeds are partially planted in the garden, but we will put more in today.  The garden is coming along.  It is exciting to think about having fall vegetables and making good things that have been shared by fellow bloggers such as Mary at Letting Go and C & C at My Recovery.  Think broccoli, kale, collards, turnips, beets, mustard greens, carrots, red cabbage, and lettuce.

And here are some photos from the back yard this morning.  The golden hour was too hard to resist.

Golden orb weaver web

American beauty berry

Cleome

Have a good day!

A new day

I feel much better today.  Yesterday was a lost cause.  I woke up with a pounding headache, eventually took some sinus medication, and then slept for four hours.  I canceled lunch and dinner with sponsees and did not make it to my meetings.

The headache went away but the medication made me feel as if I were having an out of body experience.  I suppose lots of people like that feeling, but I don't.  I want to be present and not feeling dopey.  I am grateful that I don't have a penchant for booze or drugs.

By all rights of genetic roulette, I have done well.  I am thankfully not alcoholic which could have been inherited from my father's side of the family.  His sister and her daughter died from alcoholism.  I remember vacations with that side of the family, and there was always a lot of drinking.  Happy hour started around noon and would continue into the night.  I can remember my father being in his cups and crying about some family drama that created a schism between him and another sister. Alcoholism caused a lot of drama that made me ill at ease from childhood on.

Thus far, I have also escaped the debilitating depression that my mother, her sister, and my grandfather had.  All of them had a terrible time with a depression so deep that it required hospitalizations and ECT.  I didn't have a clue about my mother until she had a major break.  And she struggled with depression for the rest of her life. Her sister basically isolated herself from middle age on.  My grandfather was a kind, quiet man who was wonderful to me. Yet all of them were overcome by the darkness of depression.  

I marvel that somehow I have thus far made it through life without these illnesses.  Every time I have a day like yesterday, I am reminded just how lucky I am.  And today is fresh and new.  I am looking forward to planting some seeds in the garden, working on the boat a bit, and rowing tonight.  I prefer to have a day with some purpose and intent.  Even if it means that I accomplish one small thing,  I find that rewarding.  Life is often about the little things. And that's okay with me.