Peaceful sleep

Yesterday, we continued with moving food and equipment from Compass Rose to Sojourner. C. set up the galley so that all is organized. I worked on understanding the plumbing system. What seemed a bit overwhelming at first is now starting to make sense.

Last night some friends came by on their boat and docked next to us. It was the first time we have been able to entertain people on a boat. There was no room on 22 foot Compass Rose. Now it's possible to have people come over and actually sit down. We thoroughly enjoyed the social time and stayed up late talking.

Finally, it was time to spend our first night on the boat. What a peaceful night's sleep it was. We snuggled under the soft fleece covers and drifted off to sleep.



This morning we are having our first breakfast on the boat. It is a beautiful day to learn more about the systems on board, relax some, do some home work for piloting class, and maybe entertain some people tonight.



I am adjusting to leaving my little boat and moving to this bigger girl. She is a pleasure to be on. I know that eventually I will learn about her, get the feel of handling her and come to love her as I did little Compass Rose. I will get accustomed to charting a course on Sojourner.



I hope that this Saturday finds you well. I will catch up on blogs as soon as possible. Enjoy the day.

Good samaritan?

God, what a day yesterday.  I was so tired when I got home around midnight last night that I didn't even shower.  I just fell into bed, hugged C. and told her I loved her, patted Mr. Moose on his needle nose that was stuck in my face, and then fell asleep.  I did not read a blog, I did not write a post.  I also did not eat much or drink enough water.  I was emotionally and physically drained.

I'll tell you about the day.  The morning started with my going to a fast food joint near the boat yard. I don't go to fast food places anymore.  But yesterday morning I was hungry and in a hurry.  First mistake.

 

The drive through service was backed up about a half mile, so I went inside. Second mistake.  So I ordered a biscuit, sat down at the plastic table on a plastic chair and was about to wolf down the biscuit and get out as quickly as possible when a young man came rushing up to a young woman who was standing in line.  He started yelling at her.  He had his fists balled up and was pacing back and forth yelling at her like a maniac. 

I looked up at the other people in line who were pretending as hard as they could that both these people would disappear.  The young woman was telling the crazy guy to please be quiet and to stop.  But he kept yelling to not give her any food because she stole his money.  And he said that he was going to beat her.

Bingo. He said the wrong words.  I looked at him as he was maybe five feet from me.  And I said something like "You need to stop yelling at her and leave now." God, I hate myself when I get in protective mode.   I cannot stand to see someone cowering and being threatened.  This guy was not big but he appeared to be high on something.  I thought that perhaps a fairly stern warning would evoke some flight response. 

Instead he came over and started getting in my face.  So I got up, towering over him, and said that I was going to get my phone (the one time I left it in the car) and was calling the police.  Okay.  That should make him leave, right?  Nope.  He follows me outside, yelling at me, with the young woman telling him to stop.  The frozen people in the fast food joint were watching all this without moving a muscle, pretending still that this is just normal and continuing to order their whatevers. 

So I go to my car, not really turning my back on him, but telling him to get away from me as I was calling the police, and he might just want to head on out.  He just kept getting in my face and screaming at me.  He told me that he could do what he wanted to his wife.  He could yell at her and hit her if he wanted. His fists were balled up, and he was acting like a crazy man.  I told him to get away from me.  I was seriously getting ready to plant a size 13 foot right in the middle of his chest followed by a hard right to the face,  when I saw a police car.

As luck (or HP) would have it, a police car drove by just at the moment and slowed for the light.  I walked quickly to the police car and told the officer that there was a domestic dispute going on right here, right now and to turn around.  He did a U turn and within seconds was right there.  Within a minute three other police cars were right there. 

So the police get out,  start talking to the guy who said that I was making threats at him.  Everyone went off to their respective corners--me with one officer, the girl with another, the fellow with another.  A fourth was standing amongst this happy little enclave ready to taze or do whatever was necessary if any of us made the wrong moves. 

So I told the officer what happened.  He told me that I could go back in the fast food joint and wait until he talked to the other two.  So back I go to purgatory.  I am looked at like I am some kind of homeless guy making trouble when I go back in.  I was wearing jean shorts, a tee shirt, a two day old beard and probably had a nervous twitch by now.  So I can see the confusion. 

The lady who I took to be the manager came over and asked if I was okay.  I wanted to say, "Yes, I do this every day.  It is a great way to get a huge adrenalin rush in the morning." But I said I had been better.  She said that those two were regulars but "He don't usually act quite that bad." Great.  I can only imagine having  to deal with the regular crowd every morning. 

The policeman then came in and told me that the fellow didn't actually make any physical contact with his wife or me, so he couldn't be charged with anything.  He is known by the police as a guy with temper problems and a few other issues that he didn't go into.  He thanked me for stepping up as a "good citizen" but cautioned against getting involved in the future.  He said the best thing would be to quietly step outside and call the police. 

Yes,  I definitely heard him.  I know how stupid I was.  The guy could have had a knife or a gun.  I know that something in me bubbled up when I saw nobody making a move to do anything.  It was like I couldn't help myself.  It was something deep and instinctual. 

So I left, got in my car, and drove past the guy who was surrounded by three police with papers in their hands.  I guess he was getting charged with something or being given a warning.  The young woman who he said was his wife was sitting alone on the curb with her head in her hands.  I rolled down the window as I drove past and said, "Take care of yourself."  She wanly smiled and said thanks.  That was it. 

When I got to the boat,  I had already beaten myself far worse than that guy would have.  Thankfully, the engine started, and I was able to get underway.  All of that went smoothly.  But instead of enjoying the first thirty minutes of the trip, I was continuing to beat myself up: "You know better. You could have gotten up and called outside. What were you looking for--a fight?".  Sigh. 

But I gave myself those thirty or so minutes and then I focused on the buoys and markers, calling the bridge tender to open the bridge, and the boat which is magical and beautiful.  By the time I got to the marina,  the residual of the experience was just about gone. 

For the rest of the day, I just worked on moving things from my 22 foot faithful boat to the new beauty.  I felt a bit like I was hurting the love of my life. 

Later I went to engine class where we had a good laugh over the misspelling of winch on a handout sheet.  The instructor had written "wench" instead.  You can only imagine what "hooking the strap on the wench" evoked.  Goodhearted laughter felt good.  And the two women in the class had a good laugh with the rest of us as we ribbed the instructor who is an older gentleman and hadn't a clue what his mistake was.  

Then I went back down to the boats to check on them and check the bilge systems, do some caulking on one of the hatches, and hook up to shore power.  Finally, around 11:30 PM, I headed home to another kind of refuge, worn out but with my head cleared of the day's events.  I will repeat from my previous post: Life is an apprenticeship.  I am still an apprentice.

Patience

Today I got Sojourner, my new boat in the water. I paid the bill at the boat yard and prepared to get underway.

When the engine is started there is supposed to be a healthy stream of water coming out the exhaust. There was only a slight dribble. Thus began a long afternoon of working on the cooling system of the engine.

After changing the impeller which was starting to disintegrate, I moved on to check all the hoses for any blockages. Finally, as a last resort, I checked one last hose which resulted in water spewing out as it was supposed to do.

All this probably sounds like no big deal, but it involved a trip to town for the impeller and a few hours of labor to disconnect hoses and change the impeller. So the end result was that all is now good to go----in the morning.

By the time water came gushing out of the exhaust thru hull, it was nearly 8:30 PM. I was grimy and tired. The fellow at the boat yard had long since locked the gate. So I am opting to wait until morning to take the boat to the marina where she will be berthed.

I did have a lot of joy about getting the boat in the water. But my expectation that I would be able to get to the marina did not materialize. I am okay with learning more about the engine and in waiting until tomorrow to get underway. It was another good lesson in patience and reinforcing that life is a constant apprenticeship.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance. Now it's time for sleep.

Pouring outside and in

It is raining here today.  We certainly need the rain as it has been dry for several weeks.  I like these rainy days when the sky is overcast.  When I was working, I would wish that I were home reading a book.  Now that I am retired,  I am home and reading blogs and books.

I can't seem to catch up on the blogs or on the books.  I guess that I will have to get used to the idea that I will get what I can done.  There aren't any deadlines for me now---well, except for the self-imposed ones that I seem to make for myself.   I still feel a bit uneasy about having so much free time to do what I want.

I have gone back into my work place at least for several hours a week since I left.  I see a few people.  But mostly I slip into the building, unlock my old office, and go in to finish a few things that were left undone.  I have finally packed up all my things and moved them out.  There were just a few remaining files to go through.

I am glad to see the people there when someone says hello. But I don't feel as if I belong anymore.  It isn't a particularly good feeling because it reminds me of how I used to do my best to avoid people.  These are old issues with me.  And I will continue to address the feeling of not being wanted or appreciated.  As I have written here many times before, the fear of abandonment is something that I work on every day.

Another one of my character defects that has raised its head recently has been one involving lack of trust with some members in the program.  I go through these ebbs and flows when I feel really great about the people that I am around in meetings, only to be countered by a feeling of irritation and, yes, resentment towards them.

My most recent malcontent feelings were when a fellow chaired one of the Al-Anon meetings with the topic being Step One.  He "rewrote" the first step saying that "we admitted we were powerless over our addicts".  I realize that there are many people who come to Al-Anon because of drug addiction in a friend or relative.  But I like to keep in mind that our primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics.  I do believe in our primary purpose and that trying to change it to focus on addicts isn't what I can relate to.  The more he talked about the addicts in our lives,  equating alcoholism with addiction, the less I could concentrate on the topic.  I sometimes feel as if the fellowship is being diverted from that which I can relate to.  But that is something that I need to reconcile within myself.

So once again there is a lot for me to work on in my recovery.  Acceptance and compassion are two things that I have to be mindful of each day.  This is a gentle program and not one where there are rules and regulations.

A much beloved friend in program shared with me that missing three meetings could result in dismissal from a group.  I don't know where this is written, and I am glad that I have not been told that I need not show up again if I miss three meetings.  That is what makes this fellowship so great.  There are no rules and regulations per se.  One can be gone for years and then show back up to be welcomed.  Something for me to keep in mind as I negotiate the twists and turns in my daily life as well!  And I already feel better for having written this.  The program itself is strong and for that I am grateful.

Evening party

Tonight we went to the Power Squadron oyster roast. It was held at an old home right on the river. The view is stunning from the back yard. Graceful old oak trees that are a hundred years old stretch out moss-laden branches that nearly touch the ground.



We came to the party by boat, having been out sailing earlier in the day. We anchored out at first and rowed the dinghy to shore. Later, we tied up next to a 1935 era wooden Herreshoff Mobjack ketch that came from near my home town in Virginia. I love these old wooden boats that come from another era. It's good that they are preserved and not left to rot or be eaten by ship worms.



There was a lot of food and about 16 bushels of oysters. These were the first oysters of the season for me. They were cooked in a super rig, all made of stainless steel. I hadn't seen anything quite this elaborate for cooking oysters, hotdogs and hamburgers.



It was a good time. And now it's time to head home and check on the animals. The full moon is rising and the tide is going out. It's a perfect night for a moon dance.

Things are better

I am including a photo of Mr. Moose's sister Hoffa running through the surf. Who knew that greyhounds were such water lovers? She has been sniffing her brother as if she knows something is wrong. I hope that her sniffing is just her curiosity.

Thankfully, he is doing better. The swelling in his leg has gone down and his temperature is normal. He isn't very hungry so we went back to the vet for a stomach coater that should help with his nausea and upset stomach. All bloodwork is also normal.

So I am feeling much relief. I was fearing bone cancer which is common in racing greyhounds. I think both C. and I would be hard pressed to deal with loss of another beloved pet right now.

I am glad to have this brother and sister off the track. I got Hoffa first and loved her so much that I wanted to see if a littermate were available. Sure enough, the kennel owners decided to retire Moose which is how he came to be part of our lives.

I am thankful to have both oof these noble and kind animals to live with us. Thanks for all
Your comments about Moose. It looks as if he will be okay. I can rest easier tonight.

Dog Trauma

This beautiful fellow above is Mr. Moose.  He has had a badly swollen leg for a couple of days so tonight we took him to the veterinarian.  It appears that he has an infection in his front leg.  The vet wasn't sure what caused the infection, but with antibiotics, a shot for pain, and some prednisone, we hope that he will be up and running about soon.

At first we thought that he had been bitten by a snake as there are plenty of the pesky copperheads on the property.  But we didn't see any obvious fang marks.  One never knows what the dogs run into when they are playing in the paddocks.  There is snake fencing up (small wire to keep the slithery critters out) but some times one will get in with the dogs.  Fortunately, their recuperative powers are incredible.  Wild dogs had to recover quickly as an adaptation to not being left behind but to continue with the pack.  Domestic dogs seem to have the same remarkable traits.

I am hoping that our dear Mr. Moose will be better tomorrow.  It is disconcerting to see a greyhound with one leg twice the size of the other.  He is generally very active so when he isn't wagging and happy, we know that he doesn't feel well.  What great creatures these animals are.  They are dependent on us but yet seem so stoic with their pain.  We could all take lessons from these wonderful animals.

Al-Anon closing

A part of the closing statement for Al-Anon goes like this:

Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else,
but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the
program grow in you one day at a time.

I like the idea that we can talk to each other and reason things out with someone else. To me that means that if I reach out my hand for help, a hand will be there. Every group has some members that consider themselves or are considered by others to be wise and knowledgeable. They may or may not be the "someone else" that you want to reason things out with.

Occasionally, there may be a person who believes themselves to be the authority on a topic or in general, or the group may recognize them as an authority because of their time in the program or for some other reason. When I first came into the program, I heard a lot of people who had a great deal of wisdom. I couldn't relate to all of them. Eventually, I was able to find people whose perspectives were applicable to my situation. So if you don't hear what you need to hear, keep seeking until you find the soul who can provide the experience, strength and hope you need. The closing does not specify who that "someone else" should be, and leaves that to us as a freedom of choice to determine.

The meeting closing discourages gossip and criticism. I don't see that happening in the meetings that I now attend. But I do know it occurs in some meetings.  At times, I am put off by some of the things that I hear and see.  But when I remember that each of us is only human, and that the ego can really fool me and make a fool of me, I am much more accepting.  Although we all have many different personalities, the one thing we all have in common is we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.

With all these different personalities come different opinions and different actions. Sometimes I don't like those actions, sometimes I don't especially like the people. But something I learned early on in my recovery is that I can learn something from people that I don't like, and I can respect their opinions.  They have the right to have their opinion which I may or may not agree with.  I don't have to gossip about them to other members or be critical. I can respect them for who they are. I can agree to disagree. "We aren't perfect." I am here to continue to recover, not take someone else's fourth step inventory. That's not my job, it belongs to their HP and to them.

 

The last part of the closing sums up the essence of the program: "Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."

Lifted up

I had a really uplifting day.  We went out in the john boat (which is an aluminum flat bottom boat made for fishing the shallow creeks around here) just after the sun rose.  We trolled along a shell bank on the way to our "honey hole" and hooked a spotted sea trout.

Then we got to The Spot on the first of the ebb tide.  There were large spot tail bass just rolling in the mouth of the creek.  We caught three that were around 6 pounds before the dropping tide made us move to a deeper location nearby.  We continued to catch nice fish through the dropping tide.  In total, we caught 7 nice spot tails, releasing all of our catch after getting the hook out of the lip.  The fun is in letting them go back to the others and say, "Hey, you know what.  I had a terrible adventure but survived. There are things out there that look like something good to eat, but actually they carry sharp points that stick in the lip.  Then you get pulled on and eventually lifted out of the water. So beware."

The morning on the water was just what I needed.  The clapper rails were making their raucous noise, the oyster catchers were walking about on their stilted legs, and the sun was warm on our backs.  The oyster reefs were exposed so we continued to fish the deeper holes.  We ended up with 7 spot tail bass for the morning.  Not bad since we were having a good time regardless.

After we got home from fishing and got the boat cleaned up,  I drove to the boat yard to check on Sojourner.  The final painting of the cove and boot stripes will be done this week.  And her name will be put on the stern along with the hailing port. We are getting close to being done at the boat yard.  It seems that it has taken a long time to get this done, but actually it hasn't been but three weeks. Anyway,  more on the boat moving journey to the marina when that occurs.

Tonight I went to the study group meeting in which we finished up Tradition 12.  We have gone through the 12 steps and 12 traditions in Paths to Recovery and will be starting on the 12 Concepts of Service next week.  I am pleased that we have had a core group of 5 that have stuck with this study.  We used to have more people but once we finished the steps and moved to the traditions, people kind of drifted away.  I think that this is the only group in two Districts that is studying the Concepts.  I may do some posts on the concepts in the future.

So for today, I feel a renewal of energy.  Maybe what I needed was a morning in the salt air, a look at my new boat, and a meeting to get me recharged.  I am not giving up blogging by the way. I simply want to write something that has some connection to life in recovery.  I will strive to do that, although I know that I will throw in some of life's adventures as well.  After all, that is also a part of recovery.

Missing something

I have just gotten home from one of the Power Squadron classes that I'm taking.  I have to say that I'll be glad when I won't be taking classes in the evening.  These two classes are enjoyable, but I will be glad when I can get back to going to more meetings and not be on the road so late at night. 

I feel as if I have drifted a bit apart from my meetings.  I miss my home group.  I also have to finish up a service commitment with the Tuesday night group that meets about 45 minutes from me before I can go back to the new Tuesday night group that is much closer. 

I seem to stay busy every day with something. In fact, I am actually busy with many things.  Tomorrow C. and I are going out in the john boat to fish.  It promises to be another beautiful day.  And after fishing, I will head over to make the 7 PM meeting.

I seem to be going through a period in which I am feeling a bit burned out.  I'm sure that this will pass.  But at the moment,  I seem to not have much to write about.  I am feeling that much of what I wanted to say has been written already.  Maybe this is my version of writer's slump.

I also don't seem to have as much time to catch up on what you are writing and that bothers me.  I think that the give and take with this blog thing is what keeps it going.  I read what you write, make a comment, and then you read what I write and make a comment.   It's not a given but just seems like a good way to stay connected. I am feeling less and less inclined to be connected lately.  This will likely pass and energy will be regained. 

Maybe it's time for me to put First Things First and not try to keep up.  I think that if I spend too much time reading and writing, I won't be getting other things that seem necessary completed.  Hence, the burnout.  So if I'm not around here every day or commenting to you as frequently as I used to,  it isn't that I don't care but that I'm getting sidetracked by life.  Maybe that isn't a bad thing. 

Anxiety and dreams

After the way my day started yesterday, I thought that I would have nothing but a great evening and some good sleep.  Unfortunately,  I had a sad conversation with a friend, slept badly and had terrible nightmares.

I have written before about my friend D. who has been in a recovery program for nearly two decades.  Because of the decline in demand for the type of work that he does, he hasn't been employed for a while.  He has had a long-time dream to get his Captain's license.  And for the past few months, he has been studying hard to sit for the exam.

That all sounds good, but he doesn't have a good grasp of even the fundamentals of algebra.  A simple equation such as the 60D=S x T equation makes no sense to him.  I have gone over this with him, showing him how to solve for S and T.  He just can't seem to grasp it.  Last night, he was trying to work on some basic problems for the piloting part of the exam.  He felt utterly defeated because he did not understand the math concept.

I listened as he explained that he never did have any scholastic skills but was simply passed along in school.  And now, he thinks that his dream of becoming a captain will not be realized.  He has no idea what he is suited to do, other than dig ditches.  He is out of money and down on his luck.  Of course,  I felt terrible for him.  And I have suspected for some time that he may have ADD.  I want to encourage him to keep trying but can see how frustrating it is to not be able to understand some of the concepts needed to pass the exam.

School was easy for me.  So when I see a good friend struggling, I want to help.  But the math that comes easily to me, seems like Greek to him.  I am sure that there are tutors who work with learning disabled people and would do a much better job than I at explaining the basics.  But I realize that it is not up to me to make these suggestions to him.  I cannot fix this problem.  I may want to, but I can't make him succeed and achieve his dream.

So after our conversation,  I read for a long time hoping to relax.  I suppose though that the old anxieties of mine were awakened.  I had one terrible nightmare after another.  I was being chased by people who were trying to kill me, including my own mother.  I was being shot at and running for my life.  I jumped out the second floor of my childhood home and ran next door to my grandmother's house to escape the killers.   But my grandmother didn't believe me and let them in.

These dreams are in vivid color and seem so real.  I woke up, pulling myself out of the terror, and stayed awake for a long time not wanting to go back to sleep.  What kind of snakes are coming out of my head to cause such dreams?  I don't know but thought that they had something to do with anxiety awakened in me--fear of failure, unease about people, new challenges that are coming?

Thankfully, today has been laid back.  I went to a birthday party for a friend, went down to the marina and talked with some friends there, talked with D. who feels much more positive today, talked with my sponsor to make sure he is okay since there have been some health issues lately, and am now getting ready to read a bit before turning in. 

I am glad that I have a much more positive feeling tonight than I did last night.  I know that all will be okay for those that I love.  I have a lot of trust in my Higher Power.  I am not the solution, simply a fellow traveler on the road.

Sweet dreams to you.

Thus far

We have had a full day so far.  I started the morning out with the Al-Anon All Day which runs all day; but with so much to do I stayed for the morning.  The theme was freeing up our lives, being free in our spirit, daring to be free and enjoy life.  I am the poster boy for that these last few years. 

I had to smile to myself when one of the ladies said that we should live our dreams.  I thought of my beautiful sailboats and thought that I am living a dream.  I am glad to have stepped outside of the box most of my life.  But only in recent years have I given myself permission to go for those things that I used to only dream about.  Living the dream is a wonderful thing.

I drove from the meeting over to see Sojourner who has a nice beautifully painted brick red bottom.  She is looking really good.  Soon there will be new cerulean blue boot and cove stripes painted on her.  And her hull will be waxed and polished.  After that she will be making her splash down in the water, christened with her new owners.

Last night, we went to see the movie Secretariat which is a really great movie to see whether you like horses or not.  It is as much about stamina of people as it is about the horses.  Without a belief in yourself and the horse, none of what happened would have made history.  I remember when Secretariat won the Triple Crown.  I watched him race past Sham and smash records at Belmont Park.  And did you know that he did have a great heart?  His heart at autopsy weighed 22 lbs. which is the largest on record for a Thoroughbred.  So when people say that race horses have to have heart, they aren't fabricating.

Anyway, that has been the weekend thus far.  Later, who knows.....dinner at a sushi restaurant, a walk on the beach, a meeting?  There are no plans, just a lot of spontaneity on this beautiful Saturday.  I hope that you enjoy yours.

Breast cancer awareness

Everywhere I go in town there are shop windows with pink lettering and pink themes.  It is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  The explosion of pink makes me smile.  In one shop window, there are dozens of pink bras with the names of breast cancer survivors written on them.  This really brings things into perspective.

Breast cancer isn't a pretty disease.  Both my mother and my wife had breast cancer.  My mother was diagnosed when I was in graduate school. She had a radical mastectomy. I can remember the call from my father telling me that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I was worried for her.  Yet, it was inconceivable to me that my mother would die from the disease.  My most vivid memory of that time is going to the hospital to see her after the surgery and seeing the large bandage on the right side of her chest.

Yet, this tiny woman was upbeat and cheerful. She didn't seem worried or concerned. It was as if this was just a little inconvenience for her. She said that she would be up and going to a tea party in another week or so. And because of her attitude, I didn't worry about the outcome but felt assured that everything would be okay.

In my own selfish mind at the time, she had given me permission to go back to school and continue with my studies as if they were the most important thing in the world. And I left my mother to her own introspection about this disease.  I simply wasn't aware.  I didn't realize how difficult it was for her to cope emotionally and physically. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned how much my mother denied things. She was stoic in all regards and seemed so brave to me, yet in later life, she suffered from severe depression. I wonder now whether she ever had sleepless nights over the breast cancer diagnosis. I wonder whether her bravery was just a mask for denial.  Her brave front was just the sign that I needed to send me as fast as possible back to my studies so that I could sequester myself in my own controlled little world. 

Breast cancer came around in my life again when my wife was diagnosed several years ago. Once again there was a stoicism and optimism that made me think that things would be okay. She also had a mastectomy. She went through a long breast reconstruction process. And I know that she cried and was apprehensive. She voiced her worries. I can remember how she would interpret every ache as metastasis, how she would pour over breast cancer books, and how she would follow a number of blogs about the disease.

Finally, we talked about the fact that it might be a good idea to move on.  C. acknowledged that  focusing on the disease, the survivors and their stories, and the roll call of the dead may not be the best thing.  She decided to not limit herself because of the disease but to move forward.  But she also didn't deny her cancer as my mother did.  I saw in both these women how the disease can cause a lot of pain.  I think that after the diagnosis C. had a different perspective on life.  She was more aware of living.

There are a lot of brave women (and men) who have dealt with breast cancer.  They are courageous to me.  A team of survivors gets out on the water and paddles dragon boats every Wednesday and enters races.  Thousands turn out to run the Race for the Cure in a sea of pink. And there are those of us who run and give support to the cause anyway we can.  There was a fellow the other night who wore a pink shirt and pink socks to a meeting.

I wanted to write about this today.  Every time I see the happy pink in the store windows, I may smile. But I am also reminded to reflect on the pain, celebrate the courage,  and be thankful that my mother lived a long life after her diagnosis and that my wife is still cancer free. My gratitude is overwhelming.

Loving me

The meeting last night was good, but I have to say that it brought up some issues from my past. The topic was how to love yourself. There were a lot of people sharing about how they never had any time to love themselves or take care of themselves because they were always taking care of others. There were some people who mentioned having no money with which to take care of themselves. Someone shared that she didn't know what it meant to love herself, and if someone would just give her a set of instructions, she could follow that and understand what to do.

My thoughts were that to all outward appearances, I had taken good care of myself. I had projects, a good career, hobbies, and lots of activities that I enjoy. However, I also thought that a lot of my activities in the past were related to a need to validate myself through my accomplishments in order to get approval by others. My relationships were also those in which I molded myself to what others wanted me to be (the chameleon syndrome).  I don't really think that I knew much about myself or what I wanted.  I wasn't kind to myself but endured.  That isn't love.

Now I think that through my program, I've learned that I'm a pretty neat person and that I can enjoy being who I am. I'm also learning that criticism and angry outbursts from those that I love may have nothing to do with me. By taking my own inventory and asking whether I did anything to bring on an angry outburst, I can determine whether I need to offer an apology or just keep quiet ("Never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut"). What I'm finding is that I don't alway have a role to play in someone else's script. It's their issue and not mine that brings forth anger most of the time. I'm now willing to own something that I do have a part in, but no longer will I try to smooth things over when I'm not even a bit player.

I'm glad that I have this program. I have discovered that love is all around me. And that love is coming from within. I'm thankful for my meetings and the thoughts that all of you express as you progress with your own program.

Wild thing

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D.H. Lawrence

I talked with a sponsee who is having a particularly bad time of things at the moment.  Someone near and dear to him is very ill.  He is filled with stress and is depressed.  As I listened to him and the problems in his life at the moment, I wanted to tell him how I thought he would find some peace in his life through this program.  I wanted to tell him that the friends he has in Al-Anon will be there for him. But he didn't call to talk recovery.  He called to offer up how angry he was at the doctors, how unfair all this was and how he was too busy to attend meetings or continue with our meetings on the steps. So I didn't offer up what he might do or how recovery could help.  I just listened.

Maybe he would be better served by a sponsor who could smart-mouth or guilt trip him into recovery or cajole him to attend meetings.  For better or worse, I am not that person.  I do know what works for me.  When I am out of sorts with life and stress is piling up,  I pick up the phone and call my sponsor, get to meetings, write out what is bothering me, and get to a place where I can feel close to the God of my understanding.  Most of the time, I head to the boat and look out at the harbor.  I know that the solution to my inner peace comes from what I have learned in recovery. 

Some of the things that I have found to be particularly helpful are to: 

-Open my heart to someone (Step Five) and through trusting another person,  I am building self-confidence. If I cannot accept myself as being human, how can I ever accept and trust others? If I cannot accept and trust others, how can I respect and love them? If I cannot respect and love others, how can they respect and love me?

-Keep a positive attitude about people and situations.

-Be compassionate towards others

-Accept that life is not perfect and neither am I.  If I let the fear of making mistakes control my life, I would do nothing at all.  There would be no forward progression. 

-Give up unrealistic expectations of myself and others

-Take action in order to improve. I will build self-confidence by being challenged to my limits, meeting them and then setting new limits

-Remember that the dark times don't last and will go away

-Maintain a sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously

-Make a positive commitment that I can keep

-Go beyond myself and self-interested focusing to embrace spirituality that requires courage, independence, and faith in my own potential as a human being.

I also found the following to be so profound and beautiful:

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."
Shantideva

"May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need."
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Fourth day

It's my fourth day on the boat. Each day has been beautiful.

Yesterday morning I awoke to fog. It was thick and mysterious. I could hear the cargo vessels sounding their fog horns. Like the fog does, it was burned off by the sun. Lots of analogies could be made of that.

I took a fishing rod and some rigs and walked along the beach to the jetties. Along the way I saw the angel wing shell. There were many shells on the beach, along with shark's teeth, that were brought in by the extra high neap tides.

I fished the rocks on the ebbing tide. The fish were safe from me today. But I enjoyed every minute of standing in the surf casting. I caught a shark the day before and released it. It isn't the catching as much as the anticipation. Either way, the fish and I both win.




Last night there was a perfect little sliver of a crescent moon. It hung in the sky for a brief time and then set. The sunsets don't usually disappoint. It was nice to have dinner watching the sun go down with a million dollar view.

I don't have any drama to write about, no bad feelings to air, no resentments to harbor. I am one lucky guy.

Being a sponsor

“Being a sponsor has been an important part of my recovery from growing up with alcoholism. In fact, as a sponsor I never give as much as I get…When I have the privilege of hearing the secret of a sponsee expected to carry in silence for a lifetime, I am reminded of how relieved I was to finally lay down the burden of my secrets with my sponsor…In becoming a sponsor, I cultivate a listening heart for others as well as for myself.”..Hope for Today – August 23.

There are no musts in Al-Anon, except the purpose states that you are affected by someone else's drinking and the disease of alcoholism. In fact, you don't have to have a sponsor to work any step.

But I would say that having a sponsor is recommended because that person has been through the steps. They can share their experience. My sponsor has helped me see things that I would have missed. Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.

Al-Anon is about sharing. Somehow though when you first come to the program you may hear those words but telling them to someone who is a control freak with a persecution complex, brought on by a falling down drunk, and accustomed to isolation and solitary pursuits, loses something in the first translation. I like the saying “our best thinking got us here”, and while there’s some truth in that, it’s what we do after we get here, that will actually spell our recovery.

It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us. As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with . And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. I suppose one could use the words “half measures” and the result of those being always “nil”.

Plus, having a sponsor gives someone the opportunity to be a sponsor. I have truly felt it an honor to be a sponsor. There is as much to learn being a sponsor as being sponsored. I read a lot on sponsorship before I got a sponsor. I don't just do things because someone tells me I "should". Al-Anon has some good literature on sponsorship and there is a chapter on it in "How Alanon Works".

Just with my own ideas though I offer the following on what a sponsor is and isn't:
A Sponsor is not a Guru. A Sponsor is not a Savior. A Sponsor is not a Higher Power. A Sponsor is not-God. A Sponsor also is not a spiritual guide, spiritual advisor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, occupational advisor, relationship counselor, preacher, or a recovery counselor. I don't think that it could be said any better than in the Big Book:

"We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." From "How It Works", Alcoholics Anonymous.

But a sponsor is someone who has found a solution and serenity through Al-Anon and its twelve step program. I have faith, trust and confidence in my Sponsor to guide me to place my faith, trust and confidence in God as I understand him. It is my responsibility to seek guidance and direction from my HP in addition to seeking guidance and direction from my sponsor. I need God to help me when I work with others. I need the patience and compassion to not direct but to suggest.

This is all that is and should be required to meet a responsibility and fulfill a commitment to Sponsor, if someone has accepted such a commitment.

I believe that every Al-Anon member has the responsibility to perform 12 Step Work. However, not everyone has to or should be a Sponsor. I think that sponsorship is not a vocation, career, or full time occupation. Undoubtedly, sponsorship requires commitment and responsibilities but if we place the requirements and responsibilities of Sponsorship too high, we will have no Sponsors. I believe that it it is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we keep what we have in our recovery. Every person I sponsor has taught me a lot about myself. I am most grateful to them for the trust that they have in me.

Just arrived

Today was another picture perfect day here. It has been chilly at night and warm during the day.

We ran some errands this morning. All the while I was thinking what a perfect day it would be on the water. We were going to go fishing and shrimping, but the ignition switch on the john boat was bad and would not start the engine. So I thought the next best thing would be to head out on the sailboat for a few days.

I got the groceries and left the marina at around 8 PM. And I have just arrived at the anchorage. I have heard it said that as soon as a person gets on the boat, they have arrived. That is the feeling I get too.

Now the boat is anchored. The old lab has been rowed to shore for her walk and to check her pee mail. The comforter is on the V berth, and it is just about time to get snuggled in for the night.

I am sure that it will be a peaceful sleep. I seem to sleep so soundly out here. Hope that you have a good evening. Good night.

Being present

When I first began my recovery in Al-Anon, I know that I wasn't totally present in a couple of relationships. One was with my wife, who I love dearly but had pulled away from in recent years because of resentment over her drinking.  I know that I felt a need to protect myself and make myself less vulnerable. Sometimes my body has been present and my mind hasn't been. Sometimes my mind has been present but my body has shut down.  During the first year of recovery, it is like the mind is made of mush.  Relationships are tested as I tried to understand who I was and what I was feeling.

I think that at the time I entered Al-Anon, I needed time out in the relationship. Maybe it was appropriate and healthy to shut down at that time. As my recovery has taken steps forward, I've focused on the things that I want to do.   But I've not shut my self off in the relationship anymore.  We are now much closer in many ways than ever.  I am available to do things with her.  But I also feel a freedom to do those things that I enjoy and she doesn't. 

I also found a change in a relationship that I had with a person who was my good friend before recovery.  I've basically let the friendship go because he no longer sees me as being the same person that I was.  I covered up the problem of alcoholism with him.  I didn't tell him about the difficulties in my marriage.  And when I did level with him, he was shocked and pissed.  My repeated attempts to call or contact the person were largely ignored. So during the amends, I saw that the other person had decided to shut down and no longer wanted to be available. I accept and respect that decision.  After making my amends, I pulled away and have heard nothing from the person. It's as if the friendship didn't exist. I think that I was unavailable to the friendship during the time when I started in the program. I was no longer present or the same person as I was before. 

It's hard to be present for those who knew me before recovery.  I have had to shift my focus.  But in doing so, I think that I made the decision to change the kind of relationship I had.  When I backed away from C. and my friend at the start of recovery,  was it because I needed some time to get my own head together? Did I need time to heal? To sort things out?  Most certainly I did.  But I may have also been using some old adaptive behaviors from my past in which I hid, ran or let go of relationships because I was afraid that I couldn't take care of others and myself.   Dog eat dog, run or be killed, hide or be found.

Today, I believe that in my marriage I have become a different person. I am no longer there because I felt I had to be.  I am there because I want to be.  In many ways, it's a much better relationship than before. Not as confining, not as predictable, not as filled with anxiety. It's as if I have become my own person and not an extension of another.

In recovery,  there are going to be relationships that we used to have that simply don't work out.  Friendships can be altered to the point where is nothing on which to base a friendship.  When recovery takes precedence during the first few months,  people are confused and hurt.  But my priority had to be on my getting well and being genuine.

Being present in relationships takes a lot of work.  I know that I never meant to push others out of my life to hurt them.  It was more a case of benign neglect.  After several years in recovery, I can see that some people who were once so important to me have grown distant.  That makes me sad. But perhaps it is a part of growth in recovery.  I need to be aware to handle friendships with care.   And to be present for those who still want to be part of my life.

Starting a new group

Today we had the organizing meeting for a new Al-Anon group. I am fortunate to be a part of this process as I had not done this before. The format for meetings is pretty much the same from group to group so that no matter where you go in the world, a person will know it is an Al-Anon meeting.  It's the details though that more or less set the tone for the group.

One of the first things we had to do was decide on a name.  A friend in AA said that the name could set the tone for the group.  He was in the start up AA group High Noon and realized in retrospect that the name wasn't a good one. It invited those other than AA to come in and the meeting has become watered down AA.  So the name was something that seemed to be important.  I like the name for this new group, Primary Purpose, which was decided at the meeting. It is in keeping with the statement that the primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics. It hopefully connotes what we are about. 

The type of meetings seems to be important as well.  We discussed what we wanted to hear.  Having a topic meeting such as Anger, Resentment, Gratitude, etc didn't seem to be what those present wanted. The group conscience decided that we wanted something more focused.  We decided to have a step, a tradition/concept, and a literature meeting each month with the fourth meeting being on a topic with open discussion. I like this because the focus is on recovery and the path to reach solutions. I think this group will be hard-core Al-Anon. As one lady expressed, "I have been searching for a real Al-Anon meeting since I arrived.  It appears that this will be one." 

We also agreed to have a group conscience every three months to take the pulse of the group.  Changes can be made as the group evolves.  That is a good thing--keeping an open mind. 

I know that I learn something from each Al-Anon meeting I attend.  But I do appreciate the singleness of purpose of the fellowship. I don't want the message to be diluted.  And it appears that the message for the time being will be a good one.  If this isn't everyone's cup of tea, then there are many other meetings where one can get what they want.   It appears that there will be yet another opportunity to focus on Al-Anon recovery in this area.  I am grateful to be part of this fledgling group.

It's spooning time

Last night and tonight have been refreshingly chilly.  That means the temperatures have dipped into the upper 50's along this stretch of the coast.  Today we had all the windows open  The northeast breeze was coming in to replace the conditioned air of a house shut up against the summer heat with the smell of the outdoors in fall.

The nights have been delightful for sleeping.  In the summer,  it's hard to be comfortable at night even with ceiling fans and AC going.  I don't know how you sleep when the weather is hot and sticky.  But we seem to do much better when the frost is on the pumpkin.

You see, we have slept together for all of our married life and for a few years before that.  There have been occasions during the drinking years, that I would leave and go sleep on the couch.  But most of the time,  we have slept together.  We started out in a double bed when we first married.  We kept that bed for many years.  It was bought from a fellow graduate student.

Later, after we moved here,  we bought a queen size tester bed.  That's what we have slept in for years.  The mattress has been changed over the past four years and is thick and comfortable.  We went to the mattress store and lay around on various mattresses to try them out.  C. thought that she wanted one of the Swedish mattresses until she actually had lain on one.  She kind of sank into it and declared that it was too hot and felt as if she were being engulfed.  Obviously, those mattresses probably do better in colder climates such as Sweden where it would be nice to sink deep into a mattress when it is -5 C.  

I don't sleep well when it's hot.  I don't want a lot of covers on me or clothes.  It is a good idea to have a queen size bed since it allows us to drift to cooler parts of the bed in the summer.  And when the cool nights come in fall, we become heat seekers and sleep like two spoons with arms and legs intertwined.  In winter, we become a bit competitive with the blankets.  Sometime in the middle of the night,  one of us with try to hijack the blanket, leaving the other stuck out in the cold.  I'm not going to say who the hijacker is.

Even when we aren't spooning, I like the idea of being able to reach out an arm or leg and touch her as she is lying there.  It is a comfort.  And tonight, well, I think that it's cool enough that we will likely sleep snuggled together with the window open, the water garden making its splashing sound, and the sweet smell of tea olive on the breeze.

Start the day over

We had an argument last night. It was one of those unimportant nonsensical ones that arise because one person feels irritated by the other. One person lays the bait and the other one bites and gets hooked. Feelings are hurt.

I used to swallow the bait and get hooked all the way deep in my gut. But last night I simply walked out, got in my car and went for a drive. I didn't storm out and did not argue back.

I drove to the boat and snapped the photo of the sunset over the city. After about an hour I got a call from C. asking if I would come home. I did. And after we hugged, she said "Let's start our day over. Can we do that?"

That is one of the great things about recovery. We don't have to hold onto grievances, nor do we have to stay angry. We can start the day over even as the sun is setting.

Something of Value

I read Robert Ruark's book Something of Value when I was a kid. It was the first book that I read by him and told a tale of the Mau-Mau uprising and terror in Africa.  He included a Basuto Proverb that states:
"If a man does away with his traditional way of living and throws away his good customs, he had better first make certain that he has something of value to replace them."

But it was Ruark's The Old Man and the Boy that I have read and re-read.  It reminds me of the days that I spent with my father fishing.  The Old Man was Ruark's grandfather.  Robert Ruark was from a small town in North Carolina.  He was a Southerner so I identified with his writings about the estuaries and marshes and fishes in the book. There are stories here that will break your heart clean in two with their aching beauty, their crystal clear images, the smells and tastes of a life spent in rural North Carolina before television.  It is also a story of a South which is, so very unfortunately, very nearly gone. It's not a story just of jasmine, polite living and fireflies, but of guns and men and the explosion of a covey of quail, glittering in the early morning sun.  Thankfully, it is not politically correct. It's a story of a deep love of nature and a deep love of the people who respect it.

The Old Man became a solace and source of wisdom for young Robert.  Ruark writes of an idyllic time which no doubt he had with his grandfather.  But in other writings, Ruark tells of having to fight with other school children on a regular basis because he was "fat" and his middle name was Chester, "and Chester is hilarious in the South". Ruark also speaks of being a "bookish brat (who) didn't give a damn for ordinary sports, possibly because I am clumsy and slow". 

As he writes in the book: "When you are as old as the Old Man, you know a lot of things that you forgot you ever knew, because they've been a part of you so long".  I think that many of us get to a point where there is so much experience that we just do things, forgetting how we ever knew them.

But the tragedy of Robert Ruark is that he forgot what his Old Man taught him.  He became caught up in trying to emulate Ernest Hemingway--hard living and hard drinking.  He forgot about North Carolina and the marshes and fishes in his journey.  And when he went back to the coast there, not many people cared for the Robert who showed up. 

There was a self-destructive flaw in Ruark that seemed to hate success or at least disbelieve that he was successful.  His idea of success was to be a two fisted hard drinking "man's man".  His drinking became out of control.  The Boy despite the Old Man's example, was an alcoholic. Periodically told that his drinking was killing him, Ruark would stop or cut down for a brief time, but he could never make it stick and he could never hold his intemperance to moderation. Both his writing and his personal life suffered.

He died at age 50 most likely as a result of alcoholism.  I wish that he could have remembered the words of the Old Man and the Basuto Proverb.