Dark and stormy night

When I awoke this morning, it was about 70 F and very humid.  The wind was already gusting on the water. Leaves were falling and twirling off the trees.  The rain started coming down around noon, blowing sideways against the windows.

Tonight is supposed to be stormy here.  A dark and stormy night.  I went to the 7 PM meeting where we discussed Fear.  Good topic for a dark and stormy night.  I have never felt much physical fear for myself.  But the fear I have for losing those that I love has been strong for a long time.  It came when I was around 5 years old and my father had been in an auto accident.  Drinking and losing control of the vehicle, he broke an arm.  I remember the fear that I felt that night because he was hurt.  I thought that he would die.  He didn't.

The fear of losing my wife to drinking, to the abyss of alcoholism was real.  I thought that if she would die, so would I.  That was the co-dependency of my disease.  She was my Higher Power,  but Fear was fueling the internal chaos in my head.  I overcame that fear by understanding that I could not control what she did.  I could have a Higher Power that was not of human form, with human defects.  I could believe that no matter what I did, there was a bigger plan for those I love.

So far so good.  I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay.  I will deal with living and dying.  I may hurt and may grieve but my fear won't kill me.  I have a defense in knowing that I can turn my cares over to a power greater than me, to a God of my understanding.  As long as I remember that,  I am peaceful and restored to sanity. 

Now I'm going to shut down the computer and head to bed.  I am feeling a bit under the weather.  Not sure if it is the cycling of warm and cold temperatures, a cold bug, or just fatigue.  It may be a dark and stormy night, but tomorrow the sun will come up.  I will be okay---regardless.

Forest of trees

I heard someone share at a meeting recently that "In a forest of trees, I didn't recognize that I was a tree."  I clearly didn't have much of a grip on the things that were wrong with me, until I was able to stop the denial.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I could point out over and over what was wrong with the alcoholic.  I knew that she was the one who was making me unhappy.  I could not tell that there was anything wrong with me until the disease progressed.

And once alcoholism had me by the throat, I began to feel the stress, see the craziness, and figure out that something was very wrong with me.  I was out of control with anger, paralyzed by fear.  And that is what brought me to my first meeting. 

After working the steps in Al-Anon, I realized that I had been unhappy for a long time.  The unhappiness went way back, into childhood.  I did a lot of things to try to gloss over the pain of living around alcoholics.  I pretended to be happy.  I put on a brave face.  I did my best to persevere. I tried to gloss over the pain with work.  Finally, I was able to face my unhappiness and undergo some modicum of relief from my denial.  I felt what it was like to be a lone tree. 

Whereas my sole purpose in life was riveted on the alcoholics for so long, I was eventually able to refocus my attention where it needed to be: on me.  I began to find things that I enjoyed doing.  What a revelation to finally get a much needed reality check on denial.  

When I don't look at something that can and is affecting the quality and quantity of my life, then I am in denial.   When I avoid those "three fingers" of responsibility pointing back at me only in favor of aiming the other one out at someone else, I am in denial.  When I don't take appropriate action on something I need to take care of inside of me, that's denial.

As I have learned in meetings, I cannot run from this disease.  I have to stay rooted in my own truth, face whatever occurs, and yet be flexible enough to not break.  I am an individual who gets support now from others around me and know that I am not really alone anymore.

A glum lot

I know that there is a difference in some of the meetings that I attend in Al-Anon. In my home group, there is a laid back feel to the meeting. We only have a few people so we tend to share multiple times, and sometimes we even cross talk.

In one of the evening meetings, the format is strictly by the traditions. In another, there are a lot of double winners and generally either much laughter or tears. Newcomers generally come in a lot of pain and often sob. We offer encouraging words to them to keep coming back.

But just as often there is a lot of laughter at meetings. And some of us are much more humorous than others. I tend to be the more serious type, but have found that since being in this program there is often something to laugh about. It has taken me a while to be able to laugh at some of the things shared in meetings. I guess that by and large, those of us in Al-Anon tend to be a bit on the reserved side. But as peace of mind increases, so does my sense of humor.

I can remember going to open AA meetings and thinking how much camaraderie there was. Meetings before the meeting, dinner after the meeting, lots of hooting and hollering in the meeting--not the type of stuff that happens much in Al-Anon. I don't think that I have ever been to an Al- Anon meeting where there was clapping and much ado after reading of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

I am glad to go to Al-Anon meetings where there is laughter. It feels good to be able to share and even laugh at ourselves in a non-disparaging way. We may not hoot and holler but every smile or chuckle is a reminder that none of us has to be glum. I have moved through the truly sad, despondent times to be able to feel more joy than not, regardless of how the alcoholics in my life feel.

Wedding anniversary

Today is our anniversary.  It amazes me that we have gone against the odds and are still together.  I don't think that our friends in graduate school thought that we would last.  I realize that there was ample evidence for what they thought.  And yet, here we are, so many years later. 

We aren't the same people as we were back then.  I believe that we have learned from each other over the years.  There is more respect and understanding for each other, more acceptance of who we are in the marriage, and more confidence that our lives are intertwined for a reason.

To say that being in recovery has made a big difference in the last four and a half years is an understatement.  I wanted fervently for C. to get help for many years.  I knew that she had a problem with alcohol.  What I didn't realize was that I had a problem too.  Alcoholism had made me into an angry, ungrateful, demanding, unhappy person.  I not only didn't love my wife, I didn't love myself either. Nor does it seem that I loved anyone else.  

Recovery was the fork in the road for us.  Thankfully, we took the road that has lead us to where we are today.  We have forgiven the past.  We understand that today is what we have.  We ask to do God's will.  And understand that regardless of the mistakes made,  we still love each other. 

We don't know how long our journey will be, but we know we'll be together to the end and this makes the bad times more bearable, and the good times even better.

Giving thanks

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think it's because there's very little about it that has been commercialized. There's no gifts to give, no stress of decorating, but just a lot of good food, friends and family. It's about being thankful for the bountiful things that surround us. It's about being with family, eating too much, taking a nap, sitting by a fire, and just relaxing.

When I was child,  Thanksgiving was the first holiday of the year where turkey was cooked. And there was always a Smithfield ham--that hard, old ham with the strong flavor that Virginians love. And there was sage dressing, oyster stew, corn pudding, yams, a tray of spiced apples and peaches and sweet pickles, and sweet potato pie, mince pie or apple pie for dessert with real churned ice cream. 

The old bone handled knives that my father and grandfather used to carve turkey and ham

Something about the condiment tray that my mother had brings back such a flood of memories. I used to like the spiced peaches that had little cloves stuck in them.  She would also have cranberry relish that she made herself.  My father made the pickles that came from cucumbers in his garden.  I now realize how foreign those things are today--that someone actually makes pickles and even has a condiment tray.  It was old school and is a tradition that we still honor.

All of this was served on the old Hepplewhite table in the big dining room. My father would carve the turkey and the ham with the bone- handled knife that has been in the family for generations. After dinner, everyone would retire to the living room where a fire would be burning in the fireplace. 

It was a time that remarkably didn't have a lot of drinking.  I could feel relaxed because my father was too busy helping in the kitchen, making the gravy for the turkey, and cooking his famous oyster stew. The relatives would be there, drinks would be served, but I can't remember Thanksgiving at home being a bad time when I was a child.  It was as if the day itself transformed people.

And on this current day, it is too warm for a fire. We have prepared a movable feast to take to C.'s parents at their home.  Not all, but some of the same food from my childhood Thanksgivings h
as been prepared.  Later in the day,  I will go to the hospital to visit with a friend's family.  He has invited me to join them in the hospital cafeteria for a Thanksgiving meal.  It won't be anything fancy, but it will have a lot of meaning to his mother who is now in physical rehab after a hip replacement, and to my friend.  

Thanksgiving is about being grateful for not just food but for the good friends and family that we have. It's like a lineage of good feelings on this day. And those feelings are precious and worth holding onto. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

The day before T-Day

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and we are doing what many people are doing: slicing and dicing, peeling and defrosting.  The work goes much easier when two people are doing it together.  So far we have worked our way through potatoes, apples, turnips and carrots.  The turkey is defrosting nicely.  And all the supplies are basically gathered except for one: oysters. 

So what day before Thanksgiving would be complete without a run on the river to the oyster beds?  Here are some scenes from the morning's trip.  

Having oyster stew for Thanksgiving and Christmas has been a tradition for a long time in my family.  My father would harvest the oysters the day before, shuck them, and make up the most heavenly stew.  I'm including the recipe here for those of you who like oysters.  If you don't and they make you sick, just ignore and make a shrimp bisque instead. 

Tidewater Virginia Oyster Stew from Syd
Ingredients: 
2 pints shucked oysters with their liquid (or liquor as my father called it)
4 tablespoons butter
2 cups milk (a little added cream may be added to make it richer)
2 crisp slices of bacon minced
Salt and pepper to taste
Minced celery

In a large pan over medium heat, cook the bacon.  Shred the pieces.  Then melt butter and saute the minced celery. 

Add oysters, their liquid and milk; simmer very gently for about 2 to 4 minutes or until the gills and edges of the oysters curl.  It's important to not overcook the oysters. No need to boil the milk! Season with salt and pepper.

Remove from heat. Serve in warm soup bowls.  And if there are any pea crabs with the oysters, cook them up too. They are considered good luck if you get one in your stew!

Tonight after several weeks of Wednesday night classes, I will be rowing with the team again.  I feel like saying the infamous Tony Heyward quote: "I want my life back." Well, now that classes are done, I have my life back and can stretch some arm and leg muscles.  I know that it will feel good. Nothing like pulling on an oar for an hour to get some good honest sweat and endorphins moving. 

Finally, a bit of history about Thanksgiving. Supposedly, the first Thanksgiving in America took place in 1619, two years before the colonists arrived in Massachusetts.

Capt. John Woodlief, a survivor of the Jamestown settlement's "starving time" who had returned to England, set sail with 37 other settlers on the good ship Margaret to seek their fortune in the New World. After a violent storm blew them off course, they waded ashore Dec. 4, 1619 at what is now Berkeley Plantation in Virginia. They opened their orders from their backers, which stated that they were to drop to their knees immediately and give thanks. Their landing date was to "be yearly and perpetually kept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Almighty God."

No one knows if they had anything other than old ship rations to eat. Historians surmise that they might have supped on roasted oysters and Virginia ham. Others say their feast included bacon, peas, cornmeal cakes, and cinnamon water. 

I think that we have part of that covered for tomorrow.  Now to go shuck those oysters. 

Start the day over

There are just some days that I want to start over.  Moments of frustration can come at any time over a myriad of things.  I may simply be trying to work on a project that isn't going well.  Or I may be around some one who is getting on my last nerve.  I am not generally an irritable person but let me be around someone for any length of time who is irritable, then I can feel it creeping into my psyche as well.  Having let someone else's bad mood rub off on me, makes me want to say, "Okay, I give up. You can do whatever you like. But just leave me alone."

It's my fear and resentment rising up again. There are times when I feel wronged and can't deal with it. I want to wallow in self-pity and think about what a jerk the other person is. It's so tempting to go down that road of getting even or blaming or casting off the person who has hurt me.

But a better way exists. I know that and after moments of self-doubt and anxiety in which I feel paralyzed, I can actually take stock of the situation. Acknowledging that I've been wronged is okay to do. But blaming the person who has hurt me only builds resentment. Instead I think that getting even isn't feasible but accepting that they are flawed just as I am, will get me through the rut that I'm in.

In my head, I may say,
"I don't understand"
"I'll never understand"
"It isn't okay, it never will be okay, but I forgive ."

This last part is tricky for me. Because if I dwell too much on the "never will be okay" statement, I have the capability to stay angry. A flare up of anger isn't going to hurt me unless I continue to feel angry. And by doing so, give power to the person with whom I'm angry. But if I can accept that the person with whom I'm angry is as flawed as I am and if I can work through my anger in a way that it doesn't eat me alive, then I think that my anger will be sated. I can then move past the angry feelings, quit the self pity and self loathing and get to where I can see that we are just human.

These moments when things seem out of control or I feel out of control are opportunities for me to grow. They are also times when I can turn to my HP and admit that I need help.

And some days I'm better at this than others. If I'm tired, I'm not good at this, or if I'm too emotionally uptight, I first will need to get my head clear and take some time to absorb and work through the hurt. It's such a relief to finally give up the self-pity and move towards clear thinking again. It eventually comes if I take enough time to get over myself and just ask for help.

No expectation holidays

I remember well our being newly weds and traveling to visit C.'s parents for Thanksgiving. It was my formal introduction to the rest of the family and friends.

I was anticipating, as I tend to do, a sense of family and all the attendant warm feelings that I so wanted. It was one of those expectations that is doomed to fail.

The Thanksgiving dinner was held at poolside because C.'s mother did not want a lot of people walking on carpet that was brushed daily (I kid you not). So people lined up buffet style after a two hour cocktail party. Some were sloshed by dinner. I made it through all that since I was used to drinking around holidays by my father's relatives.

The real kicker came later when C. and I thought it would be a good idea to wash dishes and clean up. We were happily talking when C.'s mother walked in, asked what we were doing, and proceeded to push us out of the way. She was so angry that she slammed down a crystal wine glass and broke it. To this day, I remember the shock of that moment.



Now in their later years, they are too infirm to come to our house for Thanksgiving so we are cooking it and taking it to them. The mother is still a hostile martyr but at a much quieter level. Political views that C. and I share are at great odds with her family so we keep quiet. If politics comes up, one of us will change the subject.

I have great affection for her parents. And I understand that they are old now. I have learned that restraint of tongue is a good way to get through the holiday time together. I also am not deluded by expectations. I know that I can take a break and go outside to walk around their yard. I can watch a movie with C.'s dad and just chill.

There are many ways to get through the holidays with spirit and serenity intact. There is a lot to be thankful for so a simple gratitude list is a good thing to think about on Thanksgiving. I know that it is my favorite holiday.

So when we gather this year I will eke out of the day all the goodness I can find. As Just For Today states, I can do something for 24 hours that would seem impossible for a lifetime.

Still small voice within

I finished up the exams for the two marine courses I was taking. The piloting exam took 12 hours to complete. The engine exam was one that I took on the spur of the moment last Wednesday.

I went against my usual precautionary nature, taking the exam early with several others at the urging of the Instructor. I know that I passed, but also got several wrong. Usually, I would study so as to get a perfect score. Strangely enough, I just wanted to be done with the course so that I would have this weekend free.

I don't know whether this change in attitude is good or not, but I feel elated to not have the millstone around my neck.

The large voice of the old me was saying to study and get a perfect score. The small voice within was saying for me to get it over with and not worry about perfection. I chose to listen to the voice that would bring me peace of mind.

At the district meeting today, I ended my term as GR for my home group. I am glad to have served but also glad to turn over this service to others. The large voice of the old me says, "Stick around and do something else at the administrative level." The small voice tells me that being involved in the administration of an organization will not enhance my serenity. I have done that kind of work in my career and inevitably ego and self-will come out.

I believe that the small voice within is that of my Higher Power. It is a voice that I have ignored for much of my life in favor of the booming ego telling me that I can handle all difficulties, that I am strong, and that I can make things better by sheer force of will.

I am glad to be able to let go of perfection, stop trying to solve all problems, and quit denying myself the things that bring me joy. That is a big revelation.

Step Four obstacles

Step Four seems to be a big stumbling block to a lot of those I sponsor.  Inevitably, it seems that this step begins to slow down the previous enthusiasm of many.  Many seem to come to a grinding halt at the prospect of honest self-evaluation.

The Al-Anon way of working this step keeps the focus on me.  I am not taking an inventory of another person or writing about what is wrong with them. Instead I'm writing down information about my character traits and behaviors in order to determine  how these have become ingrained in my life and which ones I need to be rid of.

Because I had a very wise and kind sponsor, I felt comfortable taking a good look at myself with total honesty, yet without self recrimination.  I trusted that Step Four was nothing to fear but would reveal those things that I needed to work on, as well as a lot of positive aspects about me.

The Al-Anon book used in Step Four, called Blueprint for Progress, seems to strike fear into some. Maybe it's the length of the book (62 pages) or maybe it's the content. Each topic such as fear, resentment, anger, honesty, etc. has a series of questions associated with it.  Here's an example of the ones on resentment which was a big one for me to write about:

1.Are there any people or organizations from childhood that I stilll feel angry with today?

2.With the people I resent the most, what part did I play in the original events that happened?

3.How did I feel about the way my family dealt with angry situations?

4. Who are the people in my life that I resent the most?

5. What bothered me about the people I resent most?

6. How do I treat those that I resent?

Questions like these bring up a lot of things that most of us would rather not examine. My findings on resentment were that I had expectations of others that were unrealistic. I expected them to be mind readers and do things as I had planned.  But I know that others have a will of their own, and I can’t impose my will on them without disastrous consequences.  I learned from writing my inventory  to have respect for others and realize that they have their own lives to live.

I didn't find the work on Step Four to be difficult.  It did take a while to get through the Blueprint book.  But I would work on a couple of topics each week until I completed that portion of the Fourth Step.  And once that is completed, then I did the AA fourth step inventory as laid out in the Big Book.  That is what I also ask sponsees to do.

Some sponsees move right along with this step and welcome the opportunity to honestly look at themselves.  Others are afraid of bringing up the past.  Some sponsees see the work on this step as being like an assignment, one that has too much structure and semblance to class assignments.  I simply did what my sponsor asked, trusting him to guide me on the way. 

The inventory is supposed to be both searching and fearless. I'm not being asked in this step to judge or to change anything, just to notice and record what is. Answering the questions as honestly as I could does bring up some very painful things but also a lot of good things as well. 

I explain to sponsees that this step is about identifying what each of us needs to work on to become a contented person who is happy within our own skin.  There are inevitably things that occurred during the course of our lives that weren't our fault.  I don't believe that those children who are molested by an adult had a part in that horror.  But perhaps we did have a part in continuing to beat ourselves up over what happened to us during childhood.  And maybe the resentment needs to see the light of day and be released. 

I certainly have more than an inkling of defects that I have.  I don't mind being totally honest about these things. And by realizing what my part is, I am more aware, more humble, and ultimately more compassionate towards myself and others.

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory ur faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." from Alcoholics Anonymous

"Until we know exactly where we are, we cannot know where we are headed." from How Al-Anon Works

Exams and miscellaneous junk

I am busy this week with the exams for the two courses that I have taken with the Power Squadron.  One that I got last night is a 13 page take home exam that is due in a week.  Lots of calculations and problems to solve.  I have been hunkered down for most of the day working on it.  Ironically, the plotting part of the exam involves a fishing trip with numerous way points to a favorite fishing hole.  I like the practical application of what I've studied!

I did manage to get out on this beautifully cloudy day for a break to take some photographs of the fall foliage here.  It certainly isn't as spectacular as what many of you are used to, but it is what the lowcountry has to offer.  And personally I like the hues and that the oaks keep their green leaves during the winter.  So here is what I saw as I had a few moments of "mental health" from working on the exam problems:

The path beside the wetland next to the house

The front green

Fall vegetables nestled in their mulched beds

Cleome provide color to the flower beds

The variety of bird feeders provide feeding stations for birds and squirrels as well as the occasional possum

The front walk leading up to the house

Although I may be a bit scarce at your blogs this week, I am hoping that all is going well.  My favorite quote of the day that will be much appreciated by Mrs. Bastard and Mrs Moon was from a man, John Tyner,  who was asked to submit to a body scan at the airport.  Now it seems that holiday travelers will have an exciting adventure as they get scanned or patted down in addition to being subjected to long lines and interminable delays.

Anyway, Mr. Tyner decided that he didn't want a body scan, no doubt fearing that some TSA guy/woman would be laughing at him in all of his scanned naked glory.  So he said that he would agree to have a pat down (=grope down).  When the TSA official began the pat down of his groin area, the passenger said, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested." He said that he would not be groped.

I am with you John.  I think that I am very glad to be staying home and not traveling by air this holiday season.  Groping has its place but airports don't seem to be it.  But inquiring minds want to know when "junk" changed its meaning from discarded material, or a slang word for heroin, to referring to male genitalia.  I must have missed that definition along the way. 

Check with you later.  C. has asked me to take a load of junk to the dump.

Uncondtional love

I've read that it's possible to have unconditional love of self in which you love yourself regardless of external conditions. This means being true to your feelings regardless of those around you. Based on what I know from Al-Anon, the HP loves each of us unconditionally. And if I look outside myself for love, I will not find unconditional love from another human. This has been a tough one to understand in my past but now I know that my demands for love often far exceed what the other person can give. And then my expectations of the other become burdensome and filled with conditions that end up in disappointment and even anger.

It's hard for me to imagine unconditional love in intimate relationships. Maybe after many years together and a lot of insight, one gets to the place where there are no conditions vis a vis the other person. I know that I have lowered my expectations dramatically since being in Al-Anon. But they haven't entirely gone away. My mind will go to the place where I concoct the "what if's" and think about how I wish the one I love would not have an alcoholic mind or selfish behavior. Or if I could just remake them to be the way that I want.... I now realize how dangerous that way of thinking is but sometimes my head just goes there, just as a tongue goes to a sore tooth.

But then I have to say that there is the unconditional love of dogs. They seem to be so happy just to hear the car drive up or hear our voice. They wag, bounce around, and are genuinely glad just to be in our company. A morning at the beach is the best thing in the world. I've had dogs for many years and they have taught me a lot about life and living it in a happy way. Sometimes I think that the HP is manifested in the spirit of dogs and showing us in a tangible form how to love unconditionally.

Home fires burning

This photo is of our main source of heat on the boat, excluding snuggling and body warmth. It is a small propane fireplace with a blower.

Last night it was a good thing to knock the chill off with the little heater. And this morning it felt really good as I got out of the bunk to start my day. The old dog appreciates it as well because her bed is right beneath the heater. She didn't move much but just quivered the tip of her tail in greeting.

I feel at home on the boat and have a strong connection to her already. She is warm and welcoming. Her teak is shiny and her brass lamps gleam. I think she is my sanctuary. I am lucky to have a home that sustains my spirit and this boat that is also a refuge. She is another home of sorts--smaller, intimate and cozy.

I have wondered what I need a refuge from. But to analyze that seems burdensome today. I know that I simply need a place to have solitude. I am comfortable with that. It is satisfying for me to just be right now. I am grateful to have gotten to a place in recovery where just being is possible.

Human being and not human doing seems like a good thing today. Who knows-- I might even take a nap in an hour or so. Hope that you are enjoying your Saturday.

Letters to the dead

I have had some old letters on my mind today.  For some reason,  I can't get them off my mind.  I discovered them years ago when I closed the estate of an aunt in Virginia.  Among the possessions were a number of daily spiritual readers.  Inside the front and back covers of the books were letters that she had written to her son who was killed in action in France on September 13, 1944.

Throughout the book are notes written in the margins.  I believe that these daily readers sustained her in the days and years after her son was killed.  She poured out her feelings and her sorrow and her faith on these pages.

I am not a fan of war.  I hope that there will not be any more wars.  I want to remember the brave people who fought for us, but also to remember the tragedies of history so as not to repeat them.  So I've copied down excerpts from her letters here to remind me of the sacrifice and the tragedy of war.

Dear Son,
It is April 28, 1945.  I am visiting in a place of beautiful lakes, stately oaks and glorious flowers of all kinds that bedeck the sidewalks and gardens. The gray moss waves in the branches of the trees and glistens like silver making a picture so real that I marvel at the power of nature and God's wisdom in creating a world so restful and artistic.  

I came here two months ago.  Like many other mothers the world over, I had received a message: "The War Department Regrets." This message changed the whole course of your life, and a world of happiness becomes sadness and grief.  How foolish to run from sorrow.  Your loss, dear son, is so much apart of me, there is no escape. 

It has been said "We die the death inherent in our lives." We get the kind of death that our nature's attract.  The brave die adventurously.  You knew no fear and loved adventure.  Your bravery was so fully proven in facing death.  

God help me to accept with uncomplaining grace my heart breaking sorrow, and to carry on until such time, when I am called to sleep the sleep from which we wake no more.  And I pray, I will be worthy of meeting you son, who did and gave so much that my remaining years be spent in a land of peace.  Until we meet my dear, rest in peace.  
Mother

Monday afternoon, October 22, 1945
Dear Son,
A lieutenant buddy of yours came to see me today.  He had just returned from France.  He was with you when you were wounded and spoke with you before you passed on. 

He said you gave your life that many men could be saved.  He pictured you as a hero, loved by all and a true friend to the end.  I was so glad that he came for it seemed like a message from the beyond saying "Mother, chin up. I won't be back, I'm just away."
God bless you, my child. 
Mother

Letter to my son May 13, 1945
A day to remember son.  It's Mother's Day.  A day of prayer of victory in Europe. Eight months ago today you gave your young life paving the way, making this victory come true. 

There will be no roses for me today.  No message resting in the scented box saying "I love you Mother" for the boy who never forgot to remember isn't here any more. 

But dear I feel you know that the memories of those days are so alive and real that I will relive them so completely, that when the sun rests tonight in the west, it will be almost as if you were here.  
Mother

April 28, 1946

Dear Son, 
Tonight it came over the radio that the war in the West was over.  You dear will never know what a battle I fought.  I have to be happy for other mothers more fortunate than I.  I went out and took a walk with the little dog.  

There came over me a peace in the thought that you when in a football game, never cared how you came out as long as your team won.  Well, your team is winning now.  You paid an awful price my dear, but knowing you as I do, I know you would not think that price too high for complete victory.  I feel you must know when your team will reach the goal line, and your spirit will be there when the score is read the world over. 
My love,
Mother

And in the overleaf of the book where she wrote these letters, here is her hope:
"If ever you are burdened down
By the loss of those you love.
Just take this book, and turn the page
Meditate and think.

The consolation you'll obtain will give you strength and peace again.
In helping others, we forget
The cross we have to bear.
And trusting God to guide our steps,
We enter heaven by prayer. "

Amen to that.

Grubology

It was a perfectly beautiful day on the water.  We got an early start while it was still brisk.  The marshes are starting to brown up now.  We heard the clapper rails making their sounds as we trolled along the banks of the waving Spartina.  The oyster catchers were picking along the banks in flocks of 15-20 birds.  I think that they are so interesting and well adapted to the habitat in which they feed. 

I taught C. some of the finer points of grubology which is essentially about how to twitch a little rubbery Mister Twister and make the fish think that it is something enticing to eat.  We looked at all the different grubs and decided to use one of the white tailed ones with a sparkling head.  I have a box of grubs, a box of plugs, a box of hooks, and other boxes of various secret weapons for luring fish to bite. I've learned over the years that one can never have too much tackle or too many grubs.  I seldom lose one to a fish but must have lost hundreds of dollars worth of grubs and lures from snagging on oysters.  It's just one of the hazards of fishing.  

I guess the lesson in grubology paid off because by noon, we had caught eleven of the much prized spotted sea trout.  We also fished with some popping plugs and finger mullet.  But the sparkling grubs were the biggest draw.  The total catch for the day was 16.  Every one was released except one poor fish that had swallowed the hook on the grub.  I hate when that happens.  But it meant some tasty fried fish for dinner which helped absolve some of the guilt. 

One of the unique things that we saw today was the strand feeding of dolphins in the shallow waters of some of the tidal creeks.  Basically what they do is move into shallow water as the tide drops and corral the fish there so that they can eat them.  And sometimes they throw themselves right up on the bank in pursuit of mullet.  It is always a thrilling sight to see.  Dolphins have a particular joie de vivre that I love.

It was just a great day to be outside.  I don't have much else to share other than to be grateful to have had as much fun, as many laughs, and as much beauty as I could take in for this day.  Good night!

A warm feeling

I started out the morning with a meeting with a sponsee.  We met at a nearby coffee shop and spent about an hour and a half discussing Step Three.  He has a lot of spirituality, and I feel that I am learning from him (having been in AA for 24 years), just as he is getting something from me as it pertains to Al-Anon. 

I find it interesting that over half the sponsees that I have had have been "double winners".  As I have written about here often, there is an attraction that I have for alcoholics and apparently they are attracted to me.  It is okay as I keep the programs separate.  I know that I cannot help with AA work but am qualified to help with Al-Anon which has a lot to do with digging deeply within to better understand feelings, motives, and how to relate to a Higher Power. 

I really needed a meeting today.  I have been feeling meeting deprived of late.  I had planned to go to the study meeting tonight and then to the regular discussion meeting.  But a good friend's mother had surgery today, so I decided to meet him at the hospital late this afternoon to wait while his mother came out of surgery.  I am glad that I did.  The family was glad to have someone there to wait with them.  I may not have made the meeting, but I feel that I was right where I needed to be. 

C. and I are going fishing in the morning.  The speckled trout are biting so we are going to try to catch a few of them.  If tomorrow is as gorgeous as today, we will be in for a treat.  Once again, I may not be at a meeting, but believe that I am improving my conscious contact with God just by being among the marshes, the critters,  and on the water with C.  I am going to sleep tonight with a clear mind and a warm feeling that all is well in my world.

Missing my home group

I am missing my home group. It has been about two months since I last went to a meeting there. I have had class every Monday evening and, thankfully, the final exam will be handed out next week.  So I will at last be able to return and get back into my regular meeting routine.

Our numbers at the home group have dwindled somewhat, but that is what has become so appealing to me. It is a small group where I feel very much like I can share about what is on my mind.  I am glad to see these people and believe that they are glad to see me.  It's a comfort to know that they are there. And the drive is wonderful, going over country roads and seeing the Lowcountry marshes sets my mind at ease and my heart singing.  It is just like coming home. 

Sadly, one of the members who accepted the GR position has been going through a very tough time lately.  Her father is critically ill and is not expected to recover.  She has basically shut herself off from the fellowship and from those who would like to help her.  She is angry and feels very much alone.  I am sorry that she feels this way.  I know that we have made offers to help her in whatever way we can.  I dropped off a casserole for her two weeks ago as she was wanting people to bring over food.  I haven't heard from her since.

I know that I could keep calling her but that seems a lot like badgering her.  I know that if she needs something, she has my phone number along with the numbers of every one else in the group.  Seeing someone fade away before your eyes has to be an extremely difficult thing.  I feel for her and hope that God gives her the strength to get through the whole ordeal.  And hopefully, she will realize that she isn't really alone. 

I know that should I have a crisis in my life, there are many people that I can call.  They would be there for me to help out.  I also realize that no one can solve these crises that occur in life for me.  I have to work through them and walk through them.  God will give me strength to get through somehow. Just as I hope that she will get some strength from the God of her understanding.

How to make life better

The following is a good recipe for life.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It
is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
what is going on in your life. Reserve this special time.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Hope that you had a great Sunday and a few of these things helped make the day better.

Taking a shellaking

I have been doing a lot of varnishing on Sojourner. Yesterday, it was chilly but sunny enough to put a coat on the bowsprit and a couple of other places that had unvarnished teak.

I like the shininess of the wood. It has a deep rich hue rather than the grey of weathered teak. Inside, there is a satin finish but once again, I prefer the bright glossy finish. So today I have been doing as much varnishing as I could.

I take deliberate strokes that go with the grain of the wood. It is mesmerizing work because progress is readily apparent. I could keep doing this work for a long time, and considering that I have a lot of wood inside and out that require multiple coats, then I have many more hours to spend.

Just these simple tasks are something that I derive pleasure from. I seem to have a lot of patience with the boat--much more than I have with most people. Learning to be patient is something that I pray about. It is one of the traits that I can easily let lapse if I am not aware.

Patience is often the practice of not doing anything. I need to keep my mouth shut when I have only negative things to say. Fortunately since being in Al-Anon, my capacity for patience has at least marginally increased. If only I could learn patience faster!

If my ego can simply take a shellacking and I am not plagued by haste or impatience, then serenity prevails. There is a simple little story that illustrates this in a particularly poignant way.

"One morning I discovered a cocoon in a bark of a tree, just as a butterfly was making a hole in its case and preparing to come out. I waited awhile, but it was too long appearing and I was impatient. I bent over it and breathed on it to warm it. I warmed it as quickly as I could and the miracle began to happen before my eyes, faster than life.

The case opened, the butterfly started slowly crawling out and I shall never forget my horror when I saw how its wings were folded back and crumpled; the wretched butterfly tried with its whole trembling body to unfold them. Bending over it I tried to help it with my breath. In vain.

It needed to be hatched out patiently and the unfolding of its wings should be a gradual process in the sun. Now it was too late. My breath had forced the butterfly to appear, all crumpled, before its time. It struggled desperately and, a few seconds later, died in the palm of my hand.

The little body is, I do believe, the greatest weight I have on my conscience, for I realize today that it is a mortal sin to violate the great laws of nature. We should not hurry, we should not be impatient, but we should confidently obey the eternal rhythm."
(from Zorba the Greek, by Nikos Kazantzakis)

This is a great reminder that improving my attitude and state of mind takes time. Haste and impatience can only defeat my purpose.

Unhappiness and the spiritual malady

We had a good meeting tonight with the topic being happiness.  It seems to be an elusive thing for many in Al-Anon.  One lady tonight asked if there was a light at the end of the tunnel?  I know that there is because I could see nothing but darkness for a long time.  So if you've been going to meetings for a while, yet you still feel unrest and unsettled, maybe there is something else that could be done to remedy the situation.

It's not the external things that are unmanageable, although at times they can cause a lot of heartache. It's the inward unmanageability that made me miserable for so long. For me, I felt discontent, out of sorts with myself and others, and generally unhappy. With my disease of thinking, I had to get at the root of those issues that had affected me my entire life. I had to understand what the pain was within me.

For the alcoholic, it is clearly spelled out in the Big Book that a spiritual malady has symptoms like:

1. being restless, irritable, and discontented,
2. having trouble with personal relationships,
3. not being able to control our emotional natures,
4. being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
5. not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
6. having feelings of uselessness,
7. being full of fear,
8. unhappiness,
9. inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
10. being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
11. being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
12. self-will run riot (page 62),
13. leading a double life (page 73),
14. living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
15. exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These symptoms of unmanageability were prevalent in my life when I first came to Al-Anon and continued until I took actions to work at removing them. These actions were:

• Getting a sponsor
• Following the guidance of my sponsor
• Talking to my sponsor on a daily basis
• Working the steps with my sponsor
• Being of service to others
• Continuing to take personal inventory daily
• Using prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God daily

I don't know why there are those in the program who think that only going to meetings is going to solve the spiritual malady. It certainly helps to go to meetings, but unless there is recognition of powerlessness, the need to seek a Power Greater than myself, and being of service to others, I would not be getting the full promise of the program.

I hear people in meetings say that they have been coming for years to Al-Anon and yet, they don't have a sponsor, don't use a sponsor, don't work the steps, and wonder why they feel miserable. This program has so much to offer, if I choose to work it. I may know that I'm powerless but that's just the first step. There are Twelve Steps, not just one.

In working the steps, I learn to trust and accept what I hear in my interactions with other people in the group. I awaken spiritually to parts of me that have been blocked by my character defects. And I continue to grow spiritually through service to others.

So if I'm to benefit from all that Al-Anon has to offer and want the promises to come true in my life, then I need to work the complete program of recovery.

Relationship between domestic violence and alcohol

I've always thought that there was a link between alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Statistics do indicate a connection between alcohol and drug abuse and domestic violence. In fact, 92 % of domestic abuse assailants reported use of alcohol or other drugs on the day of the assault, according to an article in JAMA.

But there are other studies that question whether there is a cause-and-effect relationship. Although research indicates that among men who drink heavily, there is a higher rate of assaults resulting in injury, the majority of men classified as high-level drinkers do not abuse their partners. Also, the majority (76 percent) of physically abusive incidents occur in the absence of alcohol use. In short, it appears that alcohol does not and cannot make a man abuse a woman, but it is frequently used as an excuse. Many men drink and do not abuse anyone as a result. On the other hand many men abuse women when they are sober.

One of the vivid incidents in my life that still comes back to haunt me happened when I was in graduate school. I was having dinner at my major advisor's house. It was a late dinner which always happened there because happy "hour" generally lasted about five hours resulting in dinner around 10 PM.

Anyway, there was a knock on the door. I was closest so I opened the door. There stood an older woman naked from the waist up, with dark bruises on her torso, her lip busted and bleeding, and her eye blackened. She was crying and begging to come in saying that her husband had beat her up.

I remember feeling shock, horror, fear and anger all rushing at me at once. I must have been in shock because I invited her in as if she were another guest coming to dinner. My date also looked horrified but had the presence of mind to grab an afghan off the back of a chair to cover the lady.

By this time, my major adviser and his wife came in and seemed to be nonplussed. The wife lived next door. Evidently, the husband was a drunk who on occasion would take his frustrations out on his wife and beat her up. I wanted to call the police but was told that it was best to stay out of it--The couple would handle it "their" way. So after getting a shirt for the lady to wear and making sure that she wasn't going to die right away, my major adviser escorted the beaten wife home, found the husband passed out, and left her to take care of herself.

I know that I didn't have a role in the abuse but have also had to face the regret that I have had about not doing more for the battered woman. I had never seen battery of another person. But I acquiesced to what my major adviser said. It's one of those things that I have inventoried.  And perhaps that particular incident had a lot to do with speaking up last week that I wrote about in this post.  I have read that getting the police involved can also trigger more violence.

Whether or not domestic violence is "caused" by alcohol seems academic when faced with the real thing. Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims, and have major league denial. Abusers suffer from low self-esteem and don't take responsibility for their actions. They are filled with fear and seek to dominate someone else. 

There are many informational sites on the web about domestic violence. Here is a list of some of them: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/abuse/Domestic_Abuse_and_Violence.htm

Sticking my toes back in

I have an opportunity to work on a water quality plan for a nonprofit group locally. I met with the director this afternoon. I am glad to be able to get back into some work in my field. He needs the help, I have the experience and my price is right because I would volunteer my time.



I really believe that I have gotten a lot over the years by working in this field. I had a steady pay check for a lot of years so it's my turn to pay back. Besides the goal of trying to keep good water quality in the estuary is a good one.

I have many things going on right now. My life is full in a way that I haven't had in a long time. The best part is that every day there is a choice about what I will do. I have no schedule that is driving me. What a welcome change after years of living on deadlines and commitments.

I think the opportunities that are in my life regarding people and activities are not some coincidence or random event. The circumstances are God inspired. I am grateful to do what I can to help others and in so doing I help myself in ways that I never imagined.

So far today I have met with a sponsee, voted, and had a meeting about science. Tonight I will go to my Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting where we will begin the study of the twelve concepts. I like these days where I am right with myself and those around me. That is truly A God thing.

The Rave

There was a huge concert at the marina on Saturday evening.  All day Friday, we could see a large circus tent being erected.  I heard various things about the concert--that it was a DJ, that there were 3000 people coming, that it would be crazy, and that it was a Rave. 

I know that I am behind the times, but I did not know what a Rave was.  I only just looked it up on Google today.  For those of you who are equally uninformed and might be curious it is:

Any gathering of people centered around listening to and dancing to electronic music, as played by a set of live djs. Originated in 1989 in the UK as underground, often illegal gatherings in abandoned warehouses. Often characterized by the positive, psychedelic atmosphere, influenced often (but not always) by drugs and casual sex. Source: Urban Dictionary

After working on tracing the plumbing and waste system on Sojourner (getting to know her inner guts literally) all day,  I walked the old Labrador up to the grassy spot near where the circus goings on were occurring.  There were people, mostly 16-20 year olds from what I could tell, dressed in all manner of costumes from the ridiculous to the sublime going to the tent. 

I went back to the boat and forgot about the concert because about ten people from the marina came over to see Sojourner and brought snacks.  We sat around and talked for over two hours.  Eventually, someone suggested that we all take a walk up to the tent to see what was going on.  So we strolled up there and walked right into the Rave. 

I have to say that it was an interesting experience.  This was a concert by Pretty Lights which consists of one fellow who hits keys on his computer and turns knobs to produce electronic music.  Another fellow is playing drums.  They crank out some wobbly-thump bump and boom beat, and coordinate the big hits with LED explosions of light.  All around kids were waving hands in the air and grinding to the sound. 

There were lots of lights of all kinds.  The most fascinating being the ones that were attached to people who wore lots of glow sticks.  Several individuals had fastened glow sticks to their clothing to make an outline of a person.  I wish that I had taken photos of that. 

I could tell that there were a lot of underage kids drinking and doing whatever substance the kids are doing now.  One girl staggered past us and threw up in a trash can.  Not very pretty, lights or not.  Another young woman came up to ask me if I knew where she could get some acid.  I know that I looked rather dingy with a two day old beard and the fact that I was twice the age and more of these kids, but I didn't think that I looked like a drug dealer.  Anyway, I told her that I didn't know and that I wouldn't touch that stuff as it could make a person crazy.  She probably thought, "Old fart".  I know that is what I am, especially at the Rave. 

However,  C. and I did decide to bump and grind to the music.  That probably isn't what you wanted to read, but we had a good time.  We added a few glow sticks to our clothing, put both our hands in the air and danced for over an hour. 

Now I can say that I experienced a Rave with Pretty Lights.   Too bad these kids missed Pink Floyd. Now those were the days.......