Much better today

I feel much better today after getting a good night's sleep. I am a sentimental fool much of the time. Getting attached to people and things, and feeling too much, are some of the characteristics of those of us who are in Al-Anon.

In spite of the pain that such attachments may cause, I am grateful to have those feelings. I have known hard people who feel very little. I am not a hard person, although there are those who have thought they knew me as such. I would much rather be the one who hasn't walled off his heart. My father once told me that feeling too much was unhealthy. He might have been right.

I am getting ready to go out on the new boat for a few days. This is her shake down cruise. We will be going to our old island spot and hopefully have a fire on the beach. It's time for me to reconnect my spirit with that island where we have had so many good times.

Thank you for all your caring comments. You are a special group of people. I may not get by your blogs every day, but I do wonder how you are doing. I also miss those who have moved on to other endeavors. You see I formed attachments to the bloggers too. Wishing those of you still here and those who aren't all the best.

Looking for the solution

I have caught up on quite a few blogs today.  Every one that I have read has felt sad to me.  People have written about loss of loved ones,  painful worries about the alcoholics and addicts in their lives,  trying to work through depression and expectations.   I feel overwhelmed with all that I have read. 

Generally, when I read what you have written,  I am looking for the solution.  I know what the problems are because I have had them, lived them, and see them all around me.  But the solution is the elusive thing that I seek.  I grasp it like a life ring on some days.  I know what to do, yet there are times, like tonight, that I simply feel less sure about myself and those I love. 

This may be the post Christmas let down.  I know that all the lights and nice decorations will be taken down this weekend.  The house returns to a less glittery state.  There won't be any candles in the windows and no smell of evergreen inside.  The mantles will be undressed of their fruits and boughs of holly.  It reminds me of a fine lady taking off her jewels and party dress to put on a robe with slippers. 

And the buildup to New Year's does nothing for me. I am not a fan of New Year's eve events.  I've never understood the excitement of ringing in a New Year.  It all seems too filled with expectations of great things, promises made, and lots of festivities about a whole year that has yet to reveal one day to me.  I really didn't see anything terribly wrong with the year that is about to be history.

In fact, looking back on the old year that most are so happy to be rid of,  I see that it has had its moments of good times, bad times, sad times, and joyous times just like every year I can remember.  I lost friends, made friends, loved people, disliked those same people I loved, and dealt with each day by trying to find a positive solution to whatever baffled me.

So tonight I am using gratitude to get out of this sad state of mind.  I have had a good day: went to the boat, later took a long nap in front of the fire, and woke up in time to fix a little dinner for us.  I have much to be grateful for.  I could list a hundred things that are wonderful.  So tonight before I sleep, I am going to thank the God of my understanding for allowing me to come this far today and ask for guidance for tomorrow, to do God's will whatever that may be.  I will pray the Serenity Prayer and lie next to the one I love. 

And maybe tomorrow this sad mood will be lifted.  Regardless, I will let the feelings flow through me, knowing that sadness is just as much a part of the mind scape as joy. 

Lying by a fire

It has been really cold the last couple of days.  So cold here, in fact, that it froze water on the dock and in the wetland near the house.  Every morning I look out the bay window in the bedroom to see the woods and the wetland.  There are seven acres of woods here with all live oak, water oak, cypress, tupelo, gum, pine and dogwood dominating.

Because the woods are dense, it is inevitable that limbs will fall or trees will die.  I do mourn the passing of a tree.  It doesn't seem right that trees succumb to heart rot or fungus or some kind of introduced disease.  We humans seem more suited to those kinds of mortal wounds.

I remember the seven huge elms that fronted the home place in Virginia.  I stood under them to play, to catch the school bus, to ride my bicycle, to sit in the shade during hot summer days. They were magnificent.  I never thought about them dying, but eventually they succumbed to Dutch elm disease.  One by one they were cut down and now have been gone for years, rotting somewhere or burned up.

After Hurricane Hugo came through in 1989 and stripped the leaves from the trees with its deadly wind,  the trees were stressed.  A large water oak in the front yard died within a year.  Lots of limbs came down.  I probably worked about four months to get all of the wood split and stored.  All the while I was wishing that the tree was still there and not being cut up with a chain saw and split for fire wood.

Because of the woods and the finite life of trees, there is an ample supply of wood in the wood shed.  And on the type of cold days that we have been having it feels good to have a fire going.  There are four fireplaces here--two that use wood and two that use gas.  Most of the time, we light the gas logs that are in the bedroom and bath.  But the last few days, we have had a wood fire in the fireplace near the kitchen.

Having a fire is a wonderful thing to me.  I was happy when we would have a fire going when I was a kid.  It felt good to come inside after being in the cold and warming up near the fire.  It is romantic too.  I had a lot of good times on the sofa in front of that fireplace when I was in high school--those stolen kisses and raging teenage hormones seemed as hot as the embers burning.

I have lain in front of many a fire.  I welcomed its warmth on so many occasions over the years.  We have slept in front of the fire here on sleeping bags when the house was being built.  We would stay here late painting and build a fire and snuggle next to each other while the fire burned.  We have also slept next to fires on the beach, wrapped up in each other, after surf fishing at Hatteras or a long afternoon sail. 

I am glad that the wood hasn't all gone to waste.  Some of it has provided warmth when nothing else has, some of it has added heat to what was already hot, and some of it has transfixed me as the sap popped and sizzled, and the flames flew up into the night sky.  Mesmerizing, lying by a fire.

The aftermath

Well, Christmas has come and gone.  It was a good day.  We were up early to assemble some things for the buffet lunch.  Everything had been prepared in advance, except for a few dishes.  Around ten, C.'s mom and dad came over, and we opened presents.  Santa was good to all of us.

People started arriving around noon and kept coming until around 2 PM.  It was great to see friends from our meetings and enjoy their company.  I knew that all the work was worthwhile when one lady from a meeting came up to me and said, "You know this is the best Christmas I have had in a long time." She had tears in her eyes.

There was way more to eat than was needed which is usually the case with us.  We worry that there isn't enough and thus overcompensate.  So yesterday, on Boxing Day, I boxed up some cookies, fudge, and BBQ and took it to some friends.  I also took containers of everything to C.'s parents house so that they could enjoy the food as well.  We will still be eating it this week.

After every one left on Christmas day, and we had put away the food and washed dishes,  I went for a ride to the beach.  I reflected on the day: the build up to the day, and now the aftermath of it all.  What came to mind was that Christmas was work, a lot of work.  I worked to prepare food, to help decorate, to buy gifts, to keep my expectations from overwhelming me, and to be a good host.  Although there is a great outpouring of energy into all of this,  I know that I received a lot back.  I reflected on seeing the delight that others had and my being part of a big family that I never had.  I had a feeling of such great love for my wife who is probably the best person that I know. 

At the end of it all, I can truly say that it would be a marvelous thing if the spirit of that one day could extend to every day.

Christmas wish

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!  ~Charles Dickens

May you find comfort, joy and peace today.

Christmas eve

With the events of yesterday in the past, we are already fully into this Christmas Eve day.  Cooking, stuffing gift bags for guests, setting out plates and dishes for the buffet, and getting the fireplaces ready to light. 

So far, we have around 20 people coming tomorrow to enjoy a few hours of food and fellowship.  I am certainly looking forward to it.  The elderly parents-in-law will be here in the morning to open gifts, after which we will get the dining room table loaded with food to serve.  This is going to be a pretty casual thing. 

The menu is southern style with BBQ, ribs, chili, baked beans, red rice, coleslaw, potato salad, green bean casserole, cheeses, hot spiced cider, cookies, fudge, and coconut cake.  Everyone eats turkey or ham for Christmas so we decided some home cooked BBQ and ribs would be really good.  I smoked the BBQ over hickory chips on Wednesday and did the ribs in the cooker yesterday.  They smell awesome. 

So that's what we are doing today.  Getting things ready for tomorrow.  And then taking a nap later this afternoon.  A house full of people coming and that is what I like.  Filling up this house is hard but tomorrow we may be on our way to having it filled with a lot of good cheer and love. 

Many blessings to you and yours on this Christmas Eve.

Desperate times

 

There are a lot of people in desperate straits economically.  I live on an island where about 80% of the population is struggling.  Most of the work comes from agriculture and from commercial fishing.  Whenever possible,  I have done my best to hire local people to work on the property, either as a housekeeper, painter,  groundskeeper, electrician, etc.  

In the past,  I have had a couple of instances where my trust in people that were hired did not pan out.  One occurred when the daughter of a housekeeper we hired stole my wife's diamond ring.  This was a girl who was around 12 years old, and she would come to the house occasionally to help her mother with the house cleaning.  Luckily, we discovered the ring was missing, called the housekeeper who confronted her daughter.  We got the ring back thankfully.  

Another incident occurred when a trim carpenter we hired and trusted brought his 14 year old grandson with him to work on the bookshelves and mantle in the library.  It was just before Christmas.  The day after they left, C. was missing several rings, including her mother's engagement ring.  We called the police immediately and called the carpenter who drove out with his grandson.  The grandson admitted to going into the bedroom where the rings were but denied stealing them.  Instead, both grandfather and grandson insisted that someone else had come into the house when they were working and stolen the rings.  With the house being a mile down a dirt road and all the dogs around, this scenario was implausible.  Nonetheless,  there were no fingerprints and no way to prove anything.  The rings were gone along with a few Christmas presents.  It took a while, but eventually we were able to let that go and not dwell on it.  

Now once again there has been an incident that has brought concern.  I have had the same handy man, Thomas,  helping me for years around here.  He and I work together well.  He has eaten at our table.  We have loaned him money for an attorney when one of his kids got into trouble with the law.  He has always paid us back. 

This morning C. walked in on Thomas going through a drawer in the kitchen where I keep a wallet with cash to pay him and the housekeeper.  I had gone outside to check on the meat that was barbecuing in the big cooker.  C. said that he jumped when she walked in, became nervous, and when asked what he was looking for, was having a hard time putting a sentence together.  She told me about this after Thomas had gone outside to begin his work.  We checked the wallet and no money was missing.  I could feel myself feeling sick inside and so disappointed.  It was as if the bad experiences from the past were coming back.  

So we talked about it and decided to not make a huge issue out of this.  Instead, I asked Thomas what he was looking for in the drawer.  He said that he was looking for a piece of paper to write down a phone number.  Okay, maybe that is plausible.  So I told Thomas that if he needed something from the house to ask.  Neither of us really wants to think that he was going to steal from us.  But my gut tells me that I probably should not trust so completely.  I know that these are desperate times.  And sometimes even good people will do desperate and stupid things.  

I am processing this, trying to not let it stay in my mind and simply move on.  C. is remembering the Christmas a couple of years ago when the rings were stolen.  I can feel the grip of uncertainty lessening.  I did what I felt was the compassionate thing to do.  A  warning.  Another chance.  I think that we all deserve that. 

A Christmas Tale

As a joke, my cousin Rick used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Rick's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My cousin's wife was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my cousin called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My cousin quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Rick said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Rick's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed.   I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My cousin fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my cousin's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kum-ba-ya Ya'll.

abridged from Mr. Charleston over at Termites of Sin and written by Jeff Foxworthy (1996).

Changed attitudes can aid recovery

I don't know what it is, but I feel content today.  I have enough of everything and feel centered within.  This must be one of the promises of recovery coming true. 

For me, a changed attitude is recovery. I don't feel miserable or like reacting to behaviors of others.  If I work the program, my life is more about acting on behalf of myself rather than reacting to the actions and behaviors of others. I can regard every day as a blank canvas on which I can begin painting again at any time.

I can see that by taking care of myself and not buying into what others are doing,  I have learned to be fairly happy on the inside.  I believe in the spiritual law that says : "When I change, those around me will either change or go away." I think that positive energy given out to the universe attracts positive energy in return.  Maybe my joie de vivre may be a bit much sometimes, but it is who I am.

This is a tough time of year for many.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is the expectations that are leading to disappointment and eventually to resentment.  I know about those things because I have felt them and not just at Christmas. It used to be an every day thing for me.  What a drag that was. 

Now I have the ability to see a different way to live. If others don't do as I would like, what good does it do for me to feel angry? I don't have to be around them unless I choose to.  Their being stuck in misery really has nothing to do with me.  

Here are a few things that I find to be particularly helpful in this journey of changed attitudes: 

• I keep practicing being positive, thinking each day about a few things for which I am grateful.
• Create a new reality based on the truths I've learned about myself and not what I think the truth of others might be. Others have their own truths. I have mine that comes from within and from the unconditional love and support of myHigher Power.  
• Being willing to try new experiences and risking what I used to think in exchange for a different set of principles that I have learned in recovery.  For me at least, this is how I learned what I liked and didn't, what I was deserving of and when I was taking less than what I deserved.
• To say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
• Not to stuff my feelings; let them flow through; process them; and then move on. The feelings won't kill me.  
• Not to cruelly punish others but to detach from them and yet still love them.  Retribution never did me any good. In fact, it made me feel miserable.
• Not sink their ship but don't try to keep it afloat.  Let them navigate their own route.  Maybe we will meet up again along the journey.
• Allow others the dignity to face their own consequences -- as it is of their own making.
• And most important put the focus back on myself. That is how I will keep a positive attitude going. If I look to other people to make me happy, I am going to be in a perpetual state of disappointment, anger, and frustration, and then look back and wonder where my life went.

Knowing my higher power is always there to ask for help as are those in this program is a very positive force in my life. So....even though I once wondered how people in Al-Anon ever got to that place of feeling serene with just an occasional slip, today I know or at least believe that a combination of what I've written above has brought me to that place too.

I am trying to look at life as one big ball of imperfect humanity of which I am a part. Working the program has helped me find humor in even the worst situations because .......well, there's no denying that some things are just funny (maybe a little more so when its over and I've gotten through it).

All I know is that building on the negativity and the miserable aspects of a situation only digs a deeper hole for me. Staying hopeful and looking to build on constructive possibilities, like what was learned from an uncomfortable experience, seems like a better bet than going into a downward spiral of self-pity. It doesn't mean I change the facts, it doesn't mean deciding everyone is a good person and not taking care of myself; rather, it means that I have an open mind when listening to others and that I ask my HP to help me identify my real feelings and to be true to myself.

From Madame X to hard crack

I have been involved in a cookie marathon.  It really started Saturday with the making of the dough.  I didn't really participate much in that other than to wash up and clean up after the cookie dough was assembled.

Then, there was a break to go to a nice party across the river.  Mostly boat people were at this party--those who live on boats, have lived on boats, and have cruised boats.  And the boats were mostly sailboats. We exchanged stories and talked about engines, stuffing boxes, sails and decks.  The beach house where the party was held had an eclectic assortment of art, furniture, and rugs.  I was particularly captivated by a reproduction of John Singer Sargent's Portrait of Madame X.  It is one that has captivated me for years because the Madame reminds me of my mother, without the aquiline nose. 

 

So after that respite on Saturday evening, it was back to cookie/candy making yesterday.  We made peanut brittle first which required heating the ingredients to weld temperatures.  I was the stirrer and the candy thermometer holder, brave soul that I am.  C. just gave me orders to keep stirring which I did for fear of an explosion the size of Chernobyl in the bubbling cauldron.  Anyway, after what seemed like hours, the "hard crack" stage finally came at 305 F.  And then with little ado, the whole mess was spread out on a buttered marble slab to cool.  The result was spectacularly good.

So then we did some easy stuff with these little holly berry cookies.  I had a light weight job of dumping spoonfuls onto the cookie sheets.  They turned out to be really decorative and not too bad for being a sticky mess of marshmallows and corn flakes.

Next came the most challenging part of the marathon--baking and decorating dozens of sugar cookies. We chose mostly Christmas shapes from the old cookie cutters--stars, snowflakes, trees, holly, and crescent moon.  C. rolled the dough and cut out the cookies.  I moved them from the rolling table to the baking trays.  In the process, we made a spectacular mess.

 But the finished product turned out to be neat.  I was assigned to be the painter of the cookies. I hope that no one finds a thick bristle hair from the paint brushes thinking that it might be human or dog hair. I did my best to pick all those bristle hairs from the brushes off the cookies, I swear!  It has been a fun, but tiring couple of days.  All except for 2 dozen cookies are iced.  When I ran out of icing, I called for a time out.  I will make more blue and yellow icing for the snowflakes and the moons.  But for now, I am sated with decorating. 

Tonight is my home group meeting.  I will take some of the finished cookies there.

Lord, I have been a man slave for a couple of days.  I wonder whether Madame X ever iced a cookie, much less baked one.  I am sure that she probably never smeared her marble top dresser with butter and spread hard crack peanut goo on it.  Oh well.....I am sure she still had a good life in spite of these deficiencies.

Love, lust and addiction

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

The most unusual topic came up at a meeting this week.  It was on love, lust and addiction.  It was interesting to hear the different shares on this topic.  And it made for an interesting meeting.

I have certainly been in lust.  It is filled with energy and frenzy.  I found it hard to sleep and to concentrate.  But like all those things that run on hormonal urges, eventually lust begins to wear down.  The energy flow that goes outward begins to wane and a feeling of depletion comes.  Given enough time, lust may diminish to a fond memory.  So then what's left?

For me, after the lust came the addiction.  I became addicted to the feeling of lust and wanted to keep that feeling going.  It surely must be like taking drugs and chasing the high.  I was driven by obsessive ego.  I think that both of us were chasing something that wasn't healthy.  C. was in a blurry haze of booze.  I was in a blurry haze of obsession. Both of us were in a downward spiral.

I don't know what it is about those of us affected by alcoholism, but we don't have good sense when it comes to understanding love or having a relationship.  The wounded don't really know how to love.  We simply flounder around looking for something that is so elusive.  I didn't love myself and certainly didn't have a clue about what it really meant to love another.

I am finding that the twelve steps have brought me to a point where I do love who I am.  I have allowed myself to be who I am finally, after too many years of trying to be what I thought others wanted.

I have a great love of life too.  I celebrate life and get great joy out of something each day.  Not every day is wonderful, but I try to find one small thing that might be joyful regardless.  It might just be the beauty of the trees, the sky, the birds at the feeder, a thousand things that I see every day can provide a few moments of joy.

I have learned that there is a power greater than me in this fellowship.  I have the love of my sponsor, my fellows in the program and the God of my understanding.  Human love is hardly ever unconditional--the love of a parent for a child may be the closest that it gets.  But I feel a lot of unconditional love in the fellowship and from my Higher Power.

There aren't qualifications with this kind of love.  Every day I do what I humanly can to accept others, have compassion for them, and give something back to the universe.  Lust can be found in every bar in town.  But it is empty and doesn't last.  The feeling of love is different.  It is as if I am learning to birth my soul.  That is a great gift.

Cookies and Brittle

It has been a long day. We went out shopping to get the last of the gifts and a bunch of ingredients for making peanut brittle and cookies.  We had a list and went from store to store getting what we needed.  One of the stops was at a store that I have boycotted for years.  I went inside and was immediately overwhelmed by all the "stuff", most of it made in China.  I waited by the entrance for C. to finish getting some wrapping paper and bows.  It seems remarkable that these huge stores are such drivers in the world economy and have driven so many small stores out of business over the years. 

Before there were huge stores that sold everything, there were the little local grocery stores that sold the basics.  And from those, we bought ingredients during our first Christmas to make peanut brittle. It was the local A&P in the town where I grew up.  (Now I read that A&P is going under).

That first Christmas together was memorable.  We spent a lot of time working on our dissertations, but we spent Christmas with my parents.  Virginia has some excellent peanuts so C. decided to make peanut brittle. I watched C. cool the candy on the marble topped coffee table that my parents had in the old house in Virginia.  She greased up the table with butter and spread the hot candy on the marble where it cooled evenly.  It was heavenly good stuff.  My father ate a lot of her brittle.  So we decided to make the candy this year to give to guests at our Christmas day buffet. 

And the cookies are going to be the iced kind.  We will use the old cookie cutters that we have had since we celebrated our first Christmas together.  They were the ones that my mother used when I was young.  I would sometimes help her cut out the shapes of trees (my favorite), stars, bells, horses and gingerbread men.  I think my job will be to help paint the icing on the cookies and then add the sugar sprinkles and decorations.  The holly cookies are especially neat looking,  formed in the shape of wreaths with those red cinnamon candies pressed into each.  So this weekend will be cookie production time and another step in the holiday festivities.

So far, there has been only a couple of "bah humbug" moments.  My wife's parents are nearing 90 and have had a cold.  I stopped by to see them the other day.  One of their favorite topics is medical treatments, doctors and illnesses.  Their complaints about a particular doctor who I happen to like and use were vehement--"He only likes you because you have a Ph.D.  He is a bum who doesn't know anything.  He doesn't care because we are old people ready to die." And so on.  Not much merriment there.  I listened to their complaints, giving myself a half an hour.  The only comment made by me was to suggest that if they weren't happy with the doctor, perhaps it was time to switch to a different one.  Time to go, get out of there before the unhappiness ruined my mood.  Luckily, I went right from there to a meeting.  Nice to walk into some laughter and smiles.

I love my parents-in-law but can only take them in small doses.  Negativity is draining.  I can feel the energy leaving me as I listen to complaints.  It is best for me to be kind, listen, and then leave.  C. and I both know that their fear underlies so much of the behavior.  Recovery has made me see the human side, feel compassion, and not fall too deeply into the negative energy hole.  'Tis the season for all kinds of things, some soft and sweet and some brittle.

Sponsoring

“Being a sponsor has been an important part of my recovery from growing up with alcoholism. In fact, as a sponsor I never give as much as I get…When I have the privilege of hearing the secret of a sponsee expected to carry in silence for a lifetime, I am reminded of how relieved I was to finally lay down the burden of my secrets with my sponsor…In becoming a sponsor, I cultivate a listening heart for others as well as for myself.”..Hope for Today – August 23.

I went to a good meeting last night in which we discussed sponsorship.  There are no musts in Al-Anon, except the purpose states that you are affected by someone else's drinking and the disease of alcoholism.  In fact, you don't have to have a sponsor to work any step.

But I would say that having a sponsor is recommended because that person has been through the steps. They can share their experience. My sponsor has helped me see things that I would have missed. Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.

Al-Anon is about sharing. Somehow though when you first come to the program you may hear those words but telling them to someone who is a control freak with a persecution complex, brought on by a falling down drunk, and accustomed to isolation and solitary pursuits, loses something in the first translation. I like the saying “our best thinking got us here”, and while there’s some truth in that, it’s what we do after we get here, that will actually spell our recovery.

It's my opinion that trying to do these steps by ourselves constitutes attempting to fix what’s wrong with us with what’s wrong with us. As much as we need to learn the “program”, we simply need help in it’s interpretation through the eyes and experience of someone who has made it work successfully. If not for having an “unbiased” but caring bystander, I would not be able to see more clearly and understand those portions of myself that I have had a great deal of trouble dealing with . And if you’re not sure what I’m referring to, there’s no doubt a sponsor would be of great benefit.

Steps worked in solitary, are neither verifiable nor accountable, by virtue of our perversity when we first arrive. I know that I wasn't capable of applying a “program” I knew little about, and the results I would have gotten would have no doubt reflected that. I suppose one could use the words “half measures” and the result of those being always “nil”.

Plus, having a sponsor gives someone the opportunity to be a sponsor.  It has been a great honor for me to work with those who have asked.  I know that I have gotten so much from helping others to understand the steps and their application in life.  I read a lot on sponsorship before I got a sponsor. I don't just do things because someone tells me I "should". Al-Anon has some good literature on sponsorship and there is a chapter on it in "How Alanon Works".

Just with my own ideas though I offer the following on what a sponsor is and isn't:
A Sponsor is not a Guru. A Sponsor is not a Savior. A Sponsor is not a Higher Power. A Sponsor is not-God. A Sponsor also is not a spiritual guide, spiritual advisor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, occupational advisor, relationship counselor, preacher, or a recovery counselor.

But a sponsor is someone who has found a solution and serenity through Al-Anon and its twelve step program. I have faith, trust and confidence in my Sponsor to guide me to place my faith, trust and confidence in God as I understand him. It is my responsibility to seek guidance and direction from my HP in addition to seeking guidance and direction from my sponsor.

This is all that is and should be required to meet a responsibility and fulfill a commitment to Sponsor, if someone has accepted such a commitment.   Some people find it difficult to ask someone to work with them, while some who work with others tend to take over the lives of their sponsees.  I believe that the choices people make are theirs.  A sponsor isn't supposed to dominate others.  

I like the idea of listening to people in meetings and looking for those who have what you want.  These are the ones who have worked the steps and are practicing the principles in their life.  They are to me the "winners" who are able to laugh and exude joy.  I am a people watcher and like to observe what others do and say outside of meetings.  Living the program is different from sharing for an hour in a meeting.  

I believe that every Al-Anon member has the responsibility to perform 12 Step Work. However, not everyone has to or should be a Sponsor. I think that sponsorship is not a vocation, career, or full time occupation. Undoubtedly, sponsorship requires commitment and responsibilities but if we place the requirements and responsibilities of Sponsorship too high, we will have no Sponsors. I believe that it it is a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we keep what we have in our recovery.

Demanding or gracious

I know that depending on the situation I can either be demanding or gracious. Sometimes I wonder whether I can even be demandingly gracious. For so many years I exacted a demanding toll on myself. I did not cut myself or anyone else any slack.

And there are still moments when I find myself in that same role. It happens less and less, but I know that there are certain degrees of slackness that I find hard to let go.

I realize that I was trying so hard to bring order into a life that was filled with disorder. By being demanding of myself and others I thought that I could create peace. It makes me sad to think of the barriers that I created with others.

I know that I fall short of meeting my own demands. And it is obvious that others will not follow what I want. I can accept that and not use the opportunity to brow beat someone or shame them. It is a fact that I do not have the answers for others.

So when I feel the indignation of unmet demands rising in me, the question becomes "How am I going to respond?" I have choices on whether to react in self-pity or anger; retaliate and make a bad situation worse; or respond in a sincere manner in which I let others go about their business. That is the gracious part that comes in recovery. And it is by the grace of my Higher Power that I have a good life today.

"What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" from Alcoholics Anonymous

Freezing outside, warm inside

The north wind is still howling here, and it has brought in an Arctic blast of air that stings the face.  Last night when we left the boat, we could hear the halyards of many other boats slapping and the wind whistling through the rigging.  I had gone on deck to make sure that everything was secure.  I didn't want any loose rigging or the roller furled jib to come undone.

There was a huge sailing yacht in flying the British Virgin Islands flag.  It must have been over 100 feet overall.  It dwarfed everything around. I wondered what it was doing here with temperatures at 26 F.  The BVI seems pretty appealing about now. A cruise ship was heading out as well, all lit up but probably not many passengers were hugging the rail to say good bye.  With big seas expected offshore,  I hope they will have a smooth passage to the Caribbean.

The marina is oddly quiet at this time of year.  A few boats are decorated but most are dark with no sign of life.  I am reminded of what the great solo sailor Bernard Moitessier said, "People who do not know that a sailboat is a living creature will never understand anything about boats and the sea."  I feel such a great connection with both of my boats.  The warmth they have provided, the good times we have shared, and even the turbulent times make them seem alive to me.  So I decorate the boats with little lights inside and out which makes me feel as if I am honoring them.

The wind is still strong this morning, and it is bitter cold out.  I plan to go back to the marina to check on things today and will also get some Christmas shopping done.  I am just about through with gifts.  I have the most difficult time with something for my C.  We both have everything that we want.  And most importantly, we still have each other after all these years.  But I like to surprise her with something special.

We are handing out invitations to Christmas Day buffet here at each meeting we attend. This is the best gift of all--to do something for others in recovery, cook for them, make them feel at home, have a house filled with conversation and laughter.  That was my dream for a long time--to have everyone together on Christmas Day. And now it is another dream come true.  It seems like work but really it is a labor of love so that people won't be alone for a few hours.  Unlike the lonely boats in the marina, their presence will be honored, decorated, and made a bit cheerier.  That fills me with a lot of joy.

Worthwhile

I have had three meetings on Step 12 this month. So today I called AA Intergroup to see if they might need an Al-Anon to talk to family members on a Twelfth Step call. They took the information down. If God intends for me to do such service, then the opportunity will come.

We added a few lights to the inside of the boat to decorate it fir Christmas. It is now festive inside with the holiday towels, mini-tree, and pine scented candles.





The rain has been coming down for most of the day. We fixed a pot of chili and some biscuits. It is great to be able to cook on a stove with enough room to have a crock pot, a full galley, and a dining table. Amazing how much more room there is on this boat than on our 22 footer.

Not much else going on here. I have enormous gratitude for the good people in my life. Not every day is blog worthy but every day is worthwhile.

Remembering my father on his birthday

Today is my father's birthday.  He died in 1985 but every year I think about him on his special day.  In fact, I think of him often.  There are times when it's hard for me to reconcile that my father was ever a child, a new born.  He was always so adult to me.

Yet, I know that he was born on a snowy morning in Virginia.  He was the youngest child and had three sisters. One of the sisters ran across the farm field to tell a neighbor that she had a baby brother born that morning.  I try to imagine what it must have been like to be in that big old house.  I would have liked to know my father as a young man.  I wish many times that I had asked his sisters what he was like and what he liked to do. 

I really only know about him as a young man from my mother. My mother told me a story about how they first met.  My dad sent a friend of his to ask my mother if she would go out with him.  My mother retorted, "Tell him to ask me himself".  Good answer, I thought.  So they went on that date to a floating theater.  My father was so nervous that he dropped his wallet.  I suppose that he was already smitten by my mother even before that first date.

I have looked at pictures from that time of him and see a handsome man who towers above my petite mother.  I have my mother's diary and have read about the parties they would have before I was born.  There would be oyster roasts and card games.  I have nothing that was written by my father, other than a few signatures that I cherish and a letter that he wrote to my mother that professed great love for her.  I never received a letter from him.  My father was a man of few words and didn't talk about feelings to me. We didn't have those fatherly chats that I've read about.  I wish that we had.  

But he left me a lot of other things that I am grateful for.  

He taught me how to care for a large vegetable garden growing in the backyard. He loved to grow vegetables. He would till up the soil, plant tomatoes, beans, corn, and strawberries. I would help him put the seeds in the ground. It was my job thereafter to weed and water the plants. From doing this I learned responsibility.

My father taught me how to fish and feel at home on the water. He was quite a fisherman. He always had a boat, and we would get up early to be able to hit the water on the last of ebb tide. He showed me how to bait my hook, wait for the fish to bite and then set the hook. My father taught me how to run the boat and to read the water.  From watching and waiting for fish and tide I learned patience.

My father taught me about monetary values. I was given a weekly allowance but was not allowed to spend it freely. I was told to put some of it aside so that it would accumulate into a larger sum. I was taught to think about what I spent money on and to not buy things that wouldn't last. My father would not loan money to others, but he would loan tools and give away fish and vegetables to neighbors and friends. From this, I learned appreciation of what I had, and about charity.

My father taught me to tell the truth. He had a suspicion that I was taking his cigarettes and smoking them with my cousin when I was around 7 years old. He asked me if I had stolen them and was smoking. I told him that I had. He lectured me but told me that I did right by telling the truth because my punishment would have been worse had I not. He told me that he couldn't stand a liar. From him, I learned about honesty.

My father taught me that actions speak louder than words. He wasn't a "windbag" or "blowhard".  He would listen to what others had to say and then make his own decisions. He said that there were a lot of people who could talk their way out of anything but it was their deeds that were important. I learned the importance of doing from him.

My father taught me to care for animals and to love them. The few times I saw him cry were when an animal died or was hurt. He once took my cat to the medical doctor to get a fish hook out of her mouth. There was no vet in town at the time. "Mama cat" became a star and was written up in the local paper. From him, I learned about empathy.

My father taught me to stand up for myself. He never let people walk all over him. And he wasn't afraid to speak his mind if provoked. He didn't like injustice to people or animals. He didn't look down on people but treated everyone he met fairly, unless they proved to be unfair. From him, I learned about fairness.

And I know that there were many other life lessons that I learned from my father. All of these things he taught me have shaped me.  And somewhere along the line he also learned those things as he was growing up.  Perhaps his father taught them to him.  Like each of us, he had his own demons, and often I would wish that he were different.  Yet, as an adult, I realize that he did a good job in teaching me to think and do for myself. 

Although I won't get to ask him all the things that I wish I had asked him when he was alive, I realize that by understanding myself better, perhaps I have also reached an understanding of who he was. 

Promises

One of my favorite pieces of literature in Al-Anon is from the book From Survival to Recovery.  Some have called these the Al-Anon "promises".  I have always felt moved by the words on page 86 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.  So when I read the following, I could see why these are considered "promises" for Al-Anon.  They are coming true for me as I progress in the program. 

Here they are: "If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work the program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.

1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.
2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth
4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.
5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them.
7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.
9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God’s ease, balance, and grace.
11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life’s paradox, mystery, and awe.
12. We will laugh more.
13. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.

Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no cruelty, tragedy, or injustice to face? Probably not, but we will acquire growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, martyrdom, rage, and depression will fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We will know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."

From the AFG book From Survival to Recovery

Resilience and hope

I was saddened tonight when I heard on the news that Elizabeth Edwards had died from breast cancer.  I remember the news when she was diagnosed on the campaign trail, soldiering on for her husband.  And after some years in remission, the cancer returned while she was once again helping her husband as he campaigned. 

I did not know much about her until she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She was an attorney who gave up her career to raise a family and to help with her husband's political aspirations.  She believed in him, even when he was unbelievable.  And during much of the tragic crumbling of a political and personal life she had stage IV metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her lungs, bones and liver.  

She seemed to be such a decent person.  I couldn't help but think about the hard times she must have had in the public eye.  Being sick and yet continuing to be brave.  Putting a brave face to the world while her world is shaken. 

I don't know whether Elizabeth Edwards was a member of a 12 step group.  But her last message seems to suggest that she espoused spirituality that sustained her through a lot of hardships.  I found what she had to say especially profound:

"You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. 

But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

I would have liked this lady.  This evening I am inspired by her and how she lived with hope and resilience. I wish that each of us could have the grace to live and die with such love and gratitude.

A spiritual awakening

Tonight we talked about Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  We shared what we thought it meant to have a spiritual awakening.  If I have awakened, what does that mean in my life?  How do I know?

For me, there was not really any one moment of clarity that I can single out.  There wasn't a lightening bolt of enlightenment.  Rather, it seems that day by day I have changed.  I know what I was before and can feel inside how I am now.  There is a difference. 

Some of what has happened to me, I attribute to knowing that I am not alone.  I now have friends who sincerely care about me.  I can pick up the phone and call people who will listen with acceptance.  Now that I have people to talk to, who understand the effects of alcoholism and what it takes to recover,  I am not stuck in my own head to work things out.  I am not alone with the killer of obsessive thinking that drove me to over analyze everything.  Part of my spiritual awakening is that I have learned to quiet my mind.  Meditation and realizing that I don't have to figure everyone else out has changed me. 

I have steadily become more aware of what I need to live a life without having to be doing something just for the sake of doing it.  My spiritual awakening has helped me to narrow the many choices down to what I really think matters.  I don't need to pretend that I enjoy doing something.  I actually can make a choice and not feel guilty about saying NO. What a relief to not play the game anymore of having to pretend to be somebody.  I am somebody now without the pretending.

Another part of my spiritual awakening is the realization that I am not in charge of anyone else's life.  I don't have the power to make another person recover,  make them do what I want, be what I want, or love me the way that I want.  My awakening has been to mind my own business and be happy with who I am.

My awakening is an evolving process.  Not every day or situation is one that I am fully awake to.  I liken the feeling of spiritual awakening to the tide.  It rolls in and carries me in a wave of good feelings.  And then it also may depart, leaving me behind,  feeling alone and scared.  But I know that the good tide of feelings will return.  And with those moments when I am awash in the wonderment of life, I know that my spirit is awakening, little by little, one day at a time. 

The following is something that I found online about how to know that you have had a spiritual awakening.  I don't know who wrote it, but I believe that I get these.  They are becoming a part of my life.

1--An increased tendency to let things happen , rather than make them happen.

2--Frequent attacks of smiling.

3--Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4--Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5--A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6--An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7-- A loss of the ability to worry.

8-- The loss of interest in conflict.

9--A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

10-- A loss of interest in judging others.

11--A loss of interesting in judging self.

12--Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

And that is what I am experiencing now more and more.  God, it feels so good.

Lighten up

The boat parade last evening was great fun. There were quite a few beautifully decorated boats. I don't have the inclination to go all out with decorating so I put up a few simple lights.



This photo is of Sojourner all decked out with her twinkling snowflakes and her strings of blue lights. She is the only boat decorated in our corner of the marina. Somehow leaving her all dark and alone didn't seem right. Now she just seems happy to be lit up for Christmas.

And I'm feeling happy and content too. I realize that this is the season for great expectations to overwhelm. And those expectations can easily be shattered. I think that's particularly true with visits to family or keeping in touch with friends. For me, it's easy to slide back to old indignations and self-pity behaviors. I laugh when I think about what Eckhart Tolle writes: “If you think you’re enlightened, then go and live with your parents for a week.”

So what I'm doing is not attaching too much importance to the good times or the bad times. Rather, I'm seeing if I can keep an even keel. I'm limiting expectations, minding my own business and staying with in the middle of the road without reeling off into the ditches.

For today I am simply enjoying the feeling of Christmas. The lights I see outside pretty much echo the feeling inside.

Decking out the boats

Tonight is the Christmas Parade of Boats. I'm going to be with fellow rowers on the pilot gigs, rowing past the "adoring fans" as we stroke our way around the Harbor. Our oars will be decorated with lights and there will be lights along the gunnels. We generally tow a dinghy with a Christmas tree and Santa Claus. And in the past, we've carried a sign that says "Ro Ho Ho". The crowd usually loves us because we are powered by our arms working together and maybe the simplicity of these wooden crafts is appealing. It is to me.

The original purpose of the pilot gig was as a general work boat, and the craft was used for taking pilots out to incoming vessels that were heading to port. Races were often held to see who would be the first gig to get their pilot on board a vessel, get the job, and hence the payment.

Today, there are numerous racing clubs that have pilot gigs. These 34 foot wooden boats are rowed by team of six generally with a coxswain. We don't race here but go for long rows in the Harbor, sometimes with five to eight rowers. Each person has a single large oar.

The other use of these boats in the local area was as fishing vessels that were rowed or sailed by African Americans. The boats were part of the Mosquito Fleet. The crew would row or sail the boat out to the nearshore fishing areas to bring back blackfish for sale in the streets or at the city market. The use of these vessels for fishing is no more. But we crew these boats at festivals around the state so that people have a reminder of the way that it used to be.

This morning, we're going to meet up at the Maritime Center, get the boat decorated, make a few repairs to the thule pins and get everything ready for tonight's festivities. After the parade of boats, I'm going to an oyster roast. First of the season--can't wait to suck down those succulent molluscs.

Have a peaceful Saturday doing what you enjoy.

Three Obstacles to Success

More and more, I am hearing the Three Obstacles to Success in Al-Anon being read at meetings.  I like to hear these because it services as a reminder that Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving, and understanding.  In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics which can lead to dissension and that can distract us from our goals.

So here are the Three Obstacles: 
1. DISCUSSION OF RELIGION:  Al-Anon is not allied with any religion.  It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion.  Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none.  Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious beliefs. 
2. GOSSIP:  We meet to help ourselves and others learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy.  In such groups, gossip can have no part in our program.  We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  Our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon.  Careless repeating of matters heard at Al-Anon meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together. 
3. DOMINANCE:  Our leaders are chosen not to govern, but to serve.  No member of Al-Anon should direct, assume authority, or give advice.  Our program is based on suggestion, interchange of experience, and rotation of leadership.  Any attempt to manage or direct is likely to have serious consequences for group harmony.

Religion is not something that I want to hear in meetings.  I am not a religious person in the sense of being a part of an organized religion.  I was raised in the Episcopal church and later attended the Presbyterian Church on the island where I live.  I am glad to have experienced church school, sermons, and been brought up in the teachings of the church.  But I am also glad to be among a fellowship where no one religion is The Way.

We have many "Gods of our understanding" in this world.  Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Protestant, Mormon,  etc.   They all have their own God, believe differently and are all sure their teaching is the correct way to believe.  But I don't believe God created all the different religions and beliefs, people did.  I'm not offended by what others believe at all.  I just prefer not to have their beliefs discussed at meetings.

Al-Anon is about unity. And when religion is brought in, unity goes out the window.  Scripture quoting in meetings, especially when it is done in the fashion of  "It's in the Bible so it's the law of the land" is uncomfortable for me. I wonder "Who's land?" Not the land of a Muslim or Jew.  If I were a Muslim and quoted from the Qur'an , that would be my Bible.  If someone consistently quoted scripture from the Qur'an, Christians could be offended and given the times, such might seem blasphemous.

So, I think harmony comes when we don't bring up religion in meetings.  Some groups opt to say the Lord's Prayer, but others simply say the Al-Anon declaration. I am glad that everyone is included regardless of their religion and that the "God of our understanding" can be as defined by each of us.

Gossip is another obstacle.  I don't like gossip. It is hurtful and often based on false information. To me, meetings are a safe place where we do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic.  While it is important to take our own inventory, it is not part of our program to take the inventory of the alcoholic, and especially not air it out to others.

Not gossiping reminds me to keep the focus where it needs to be: on me.  I spent way too much of my life making alcoholics my Higher Power.  It did nothing but harm when I focused on what others did and then used that as ammunition to justify my feelings and what I was doing.

I realize now that by seeing what others do and inventorying how that affects me, I can use the information to make good decisions for myself.  I cannot fix the alcoholic's problems.  That is not my business.  But treating others in a dignified way is my business.  Gossip robs me and others of dignity.

Finally, dominance means that egos run the meetings.  God has been edged out.  I believe that it is important to check our egos at the door.  There is no place in Al-Anon for governing and telling others what to do.

I think that reading of these obstacles in a meeting is a good idea and helps remind each of us to keep the group healthy.

Cold time

I have come down with a cold.  I hung in there today to help C. with decorating the house.  Then I met my engine maintenance instructor at the boat because he wanted to see her.  And after that I went rowing with the team. 

The latter probably wasn't too smart, but it felt good to pull on the oars and to be with this group of people that I haven't seen in nearly two months due to my Wednesday night class.   Everyone is looking forward to the Christmas parade of boats in which we will be rowing the pilot gigs.  Saturday morning we will spend a few hours decorating the boats for the evening parade.  I hope that I am feeling better to do all of that.  

There is a freeze warning along the coast for tonight.  I've covered the plants that are most vulnerable and will move them tomorrow to the green house.  Every year we struggle with getting the huge old hibiscus and geraniums into the heated green house.  But these plants have been around for many years so it's important to keep them from freezing.  I suppose that we are lucky to still have them blooming on December 1. 

I have done all that I can for today.  It has been another full day.  Tonight one of the rowers asked if I wondered how I ever worked at a job with all the things that I do.  I wonder that myself.  I am definitely staying busy.  Not much time to laze around for sure.  Tomorrow promises to be another busy day. 

It is truly amazing how there is so much to occupy my time, when I was worried that I would not feel fulfilled being retired.  I am more than fulfilled.  I am not just in recovery, but I am in discovery of all that life has to offer. That is really an astounding thing.