Good times and photos to share

We got back from our excursion today.  It was a good time.  We walked on the beach, built a camp fire that lasted all day and into the night,  met up with old friends, made some new friends, slept peacefully and ate well.  I don't have any great revelations, other than to say that I could easily spend most of my time on this boat and be happy.  I am completely in love with her. 

So here are a few photos from what we did this weekend.   I am too tired to share much else.  It was such a good time.   Have a good evening.

Sojourner as the sun sets

Windswept beach

Getting ready to roast hot dogs

Getting the fire ready with some help from my old girl

All three of our boats lined up at anchor

The marsh in all its winter glory

The old girl enjoying the warmth of the fire

Grounded

On Thursday, I left to go on a trip to an island up the coast. This is one of those remote coastal islands that is a Heritage Preserve. There are many trails and the beach is a boneyard of trees that have been eroded away.

It has been an interesting voyage thus far. The access to the island is shallow and last night, we had the misfortune to be grounded twice. The first time was on the outgoing tide which basically laid us at a 40 degree heel. Trying to stand and walk was difficult to say the least. After the boat righted on the incoming tide (after about a six hour wait), there was another grounding in a shallow area which I was able to get out of without much problem, not withstanding a lot of angst.

So finally at 4 AM this morning, we were able to anchor and get some much needed rest. After a few hours, I took my old Labrador to shore for a swim and bathroom break. We walked on the beach, and I gathered firewood for a roaring beach fire.

My reader says that I have 164 posts to read. I am beat and just finished up a dinner of snow crab. Maybe tomorrow, I will have more to say and more comments to make. For now, it is time for sleep.

I am also thinking of a friend who just landed in Cairo. She headed there for a two week vacation. With civil unrest, I am hoping she will be safe. What a time to choose to visit. It will be a visit not soon forgotten, I am sure.

Wishing you to be grounded within and not on a grounded boat.

Cerci or Sercy

One of the special things about this program of recovery is how we develop such friendships.  The people in meetings are there sharing with me and I with them. It creates a bond.  And the most precious bond of all is that between a sponsor and a sponsee. 

I have written before about what a great sponsor I have.  I knew after meeting this person that he would be the one that I would ask.  And I did that very night when we first talked.  He knows a lot about me, as I do about him.  When he told me last week that he is planning to move to the left coast in the fall,  it really hit home how much a part of my life this person has become. 

He gave me a gift at our home group meeting for the boat.  It is something that he crafted with his own hands.  It is a kind of talisman that is supposed to keep me safe while on the water.  I am most grateful for the thoughtfulness and the symbolism of giving something to the boat.  He called this gift a cerci.  I had not heard the term before, but it is quite common in the south. Another spelling in SC might be sercy.  It is a gift that is unexpected and given out of friendship.    One important clarification about a sercy is that it is not meant to be reciprocated. It is just an “I made this and thought of you” type of gift.  I think it is quintessentially southern – a charming colloquialism, steeped in tradition, for a thoughtful gesture.

I cannot count the many cerci gifts that I have received from my sponsor.  I truly appreciate all his wisdom and years in program.  And all has been given out of friendship. 

Projecting fear

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and. you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.--Ralph Waldo Emerson

I really like this quote.  It is right in keeping with the topic of fear at the meeting tonight.  Each person shared about their fears.  Some had a fear about change in their life.  One lady was moving her business, another person was fearful of getting old,  a man was afraid for his grandchild who has a genetic defect.  The litany of fears that cause us to awake in the night goes on and on.  

I used to wake up around 3 AM and worry. I would worry about work, about finances, about my marriage, about my parents--the fear would grab hold and was impossible to shake until dawn.   I would project my fear into what "might" happen.  I could concoct the worse case scenario with little problem.

In recovery, I've come to understand that using "what if" scenarios isn't very helpful.  I can be guaranteed of having a sleepless night and feeling out of sorts if I project fear about what could happen.  It surely can paralyze my mind.  I can read all kinds of things into situations when I project my fear into the future.

I know that each of us has some great fear that may or may not come to pass. Perhaps it is fear that a loved one will decide to drink again.  Or maybe there is a health issue that is worrying you.  No matter what it might be, the outcome will happen no matter how much I worry.  And I will deal with that outcome as I have with so many other things in life.  Working myself up into a frenzy of worry isn't going to make things any better. 

What I have often failed to realize is that if I don't "borrow trouble",  I can deal with whatever comes my way. If I stop the worry, then my thinking clears up and I can see a solution or steps that I need to take more clearly.  When I eliminate the "what if's", then I can trust myself and my HP to get me through whatever may occur.  I will be given the fortitude to deal with life. 

Too much

We had a good weekend on the boat. It was cold and windy on Saturday. We went for a walk but the wind chill didn't make for a long walk. My blood must have gotten thinner because I don't particularly like being on the water or walking on the beach in cold weather.

So we stayed inside and played Scrabble. I have gotten hooked on the word game. Who knew that words like zed, za, qi, eoui were actually used? I did well in vocabulary tests but some of the words played are ones I never knew existed. But, it is easy to get hooked on this game regardless.

On Sunday morning, it was 42 F inside the boat. I turned on the gas heater and within a half hour, we were up to about 58 F. We got things stowed and then got underway to catch the max flood tide out of the anchorage.

We then cruised upriver, past the old Navy base. It is an industrial area now with the old destroyers resting (and rusting) alongside merchant vessels in dry dock. We pulled into one of the marinas and visited with our sailing friend who said that her partner acted as if nothing had happened the morning he was so drunk.

She said that she has so many resentments towards him and cannot trust him. That seems to be the fall out from living with alcoholism. We stay way past anger until it gives way to deep seated resentments. And if a person lives with resentments long enough, the ability to trust and even love others withers and dies. I am glad to not be in that situation now. For today, I feel happy and not harboring a seething resentment. This is One of the miracles of recovery for sure.

I will get around to reading and commenting this week. Too much Scrabble, naps, and socializing have kept me busy over the weekend.

Night out to dance

We went out last night for dinner and to listen to music. The original plan was to go on the boat, but the tides conspired against us. So we decided to do a night on the town.

Actually we went to the Shrimp Shack which is just up the road a few miles from the marina. A few weeks ago we stopped in there and heard the most amazing guitar player. Chris and the owner team up to rip out some great cover songs.

The place has a small dance floor where people actually do some talented two step and shag. Women and men, women and women dancing and having a great time. And some of these couples really know how to move.

The seafood basically is fried Southern. As the owner said from the microphone, "The seafood sucks". Okay, so the food is definitely not the attraction. But the music is.

Chris, who travels down from NC every weekend to play, has had quite the career. He played in Delbert McClinton's band and with Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefers. Watching him play, I figured somewhere along the line he blew it because no way does this fellow belong in a shrimp shack playing covers.

Anyway, last night Chris came over to talk to us. We were sitting in front of the stage so he smiled and came over. During the conversation, out of the blue, he said that he had to quit drinking. His doctor told him that his liver enzymes were a mess. He asked "How long? A week, a month...". The doctor said "For good if you want to live."

So C. shared that she quit drinking about four and a half years ago. Chris said that he was 2 1/2 weeks sober. He said that he was still having a feeling of being hung over even though he hadn't had a drink. So he and C. had a conversation about the first few weeks of sobriety. And then it was time for him to get back on stage and play.

There are no coincidences. I believe some how, he and C. were meant to connect. We left around midnight hoping that Chris stays sober. C. said to keep in touch if he wanted.

The insanity of alcoholism can wreck so much of life. This morning a sailing friend called to tell me that she and her partner won't be meeting us at the anchorage. He got roaring drunk last night and woke her up at 4 AM to scream and yell at her. She got her bag together and left the boat which belongs to her. As someone who is still hoping for her partner to change, she didn't realize that she could have asked him to leave her boat. We are so used to focusing on others that we don't stop to consider ourselves and our well being. I tell her to take care of herself. I have hope that both the alcoholic and the person who is in their orbit will quit the dance which is neither graceful or pretty.

A full day of ancestors

I have been on the computer most of the day researching ancestors.  I started out trying to find my cousin Michael.  Sadly, he died in 1995.

From there, I began to construct a family tree for him so that at least there would be records of his mother and father and various aunts and uncles.  He would have a place in family history which only seemed right.  After forming his tree,  I expanded the data to include my mother and father's lineage.

I have to say that I never fully appreciated all the work that my mother did in the days before computers.   She went to archives, graveyards, and corresponded with relatives to trace our ancestors back to the 1600's.  She was tireless in her search for ancestral information.  I know that she would have been amazed at the resources on line today.  There are census records,  military records,  anecdotal stories, photos and much more available for downloading and adding to a family tree.

This evening we had dinner with my wife's parents.  I carried the laptop and even got them excited over tracing their lineage. Out came the family bibles and within an hour, I had built a lineage for both of them going back to the early 1800's.  Their family immigrated in the early 1800's from Germany and Ireland so I may have reached a dead end.  But I could tell that they were fascinated by what I did find.

What I plan to do next is to check the online data against my mother's written charts.  It is quite a bit like sleuthing.  In much of the family tree, there is less information on the women.  It appears that records for them were not as important as for the male lines.  I am once again reminded of the prejudice and indifference that women must have suffered.  Considering the number of children born, it is a wonder that more of my ancestors didn't die in childbirth. Every woman had at least 4 to 5 children, and some even had more.  We were a prolific group for a bunch of Episcopalians. "The birth of a nation" as my mother used to say.

At least I know that back in history, I had a huge family of relatives who were owners of plantations and much acreage. And yes, there were quite a few slaves listed which gave me a sad feeling. How could we as a society ever entertained the idea of owning another human being?  It makes me sick at heart.

Strange how all of that has winnowed down to just me as the survivor who leaves no children.  A veritable dead end of an entire line.  But I don't have any regrets.  Maybe some distant cousin five times removed will find the information useful.  And perhaps we may connect some day.

About Michael

I had to go to see our attorney today to sign a health directive.  We thought it would be a good idea and would complement our living wills.  The attorney and I were talking about how who would be the designees to carry out the directives.  I was reminded once again of how small my living family is.  There simply aren't many relatives that I are still around or who I know.

All of this reminded me of a first cousin that I haven't seen in 30 years.  He was older than I and was the only child of my father's youngest sister.  I didn't know him well since the only time we interacted was when we would go to visit my aunt who lived in another state.  I remember Michael had an aquarium, and he liked to show me his fish.  He pretty much stayed in his room most of the time while we were there, except for the times that he would go out with his friends. 

When he was a junior in high school, we all went on a trip together to New York.  He was shopping around for a college to attend.  I don't recall all the details but remember my father became very angry and had words with Michael when he wanted to be driven to visit Cornell.  My father was doing much of the driving and was irritable.  He yelled at Michael who yelled back.  I remember feeling terrible because they both were saying unkind things to each other. 

Later, I would hear my parents talking about Michael, voicing their suspicions that he was gay.  Those prejudicial accusations seemed so wrong at the time and seem even more horrendous today.  His mother suddenly died, he was drafted into the service, and for some reason that I can't understand he was cut off by my father and his other sister.  It was as if he never existed.  I would ask about him, but was told that he probably was dead.  Of course he wasn't.

Later when I was a senior in college, he came to visit us.  I was home on spring break, and he drove down from DC to see the relatives.  I talked with him about my studies and graduate school.  He seemed interested and promised to keep in touch.  But that was the last time I heard from him. Whether my father and mother ever heard from him again is something they took to their grave.

Now as I think back on this,  I am sorry that he was treated so badly by my father.  I have a regret that I didn't get to know him better.  And I wish that I knew what had happened to him.  I don't know whether he is alive.  I am going to do some searching online to see if I can find out more about him.  I realize that I am not responsible for the actions of others or for their injustices.  I do feel that I could have done more to let him know that I didn't dislike him.  It seems totally unfair to have chopped off this branch on the small family tree.

I am glad that I thought about Michael today.  The memories that we have of people, no matter how small and inadequate,  are perhaps a way to honor them so they are not entirely forgotten.

Addendum: I learned this afternoon that Michael died in 1995 in San Francisco.

Back at the dock

We got back to the dock about an hour ago. It was a really good trip. Thank you for all the kind birthday wishes. I really appreciated your comments.

Although it rained most of the day yesterday, we used the time to read, watch a movie, and play some Scrabble.  Our movie "entertainment center" is pictured above. It's basically a minimalist look with the iPad strung on some line. Then we stream Netflix to it over a wireless network. If we want to watch a DVD, we use the Mac Book. A nice touch--movies in the V berth.

Today, the weather cleared enough to have a beach fire. The Citadel cadets who were out here for the Civil War re-enactment left fire wood and a number of pieces of plywood on the beach. So we built an A frame hut, had a fire and stayed out of the wind.

The fog started rolling in as we were about to leave the island.  Mysterious and quiet fog, reminding me of Carl Sandburg's poem:

The fog comes

on little cat feet.

It sits looking over harbor and city

on silent haunches

and then moves on.

Now we are back at the marina. Time to clean up the boat and get back to being home for a few days. I have several meetings with sponsees this week and at least two regular Al-Anon meetings. When I come back from a trip like this, I feel so good. It is like I have lived in another world for a few days. And like I have gone to a hundred meetings. Right now, things could not be better.

Nearly a year older

Tomorrow is my birthday. When asked what I wanted to do, I replied that I wanted to be on the boat, anchored out at the island.

So we are here, looking at the sunset pictured above. We went for a walk on the beach, gathering some firewood for a beach fire tomorrow. It was a bit chilly but not as cold as last weekend. The light and variable winds helped to eliminate the wind chill.

I am glad to be here at this place in time. I feel content within. I believe that each year in recovery just gets better. I may be a year older but feel much wiser.

I plan to enjoy the rest of this day. We are fixing flounder, mushroom couscous and a Caesar salad for dinner. Later, we may watch a movie if we can stay up. I feel so grateful.

Many years

Today is my father-in-law's birthday. He has reached an advanced age and is still physically and mentally fit. He and his wife have been married for 60 years. I thought that he would be the one to become infirm, but it is C's mother who is really showing her age.

We took them to lunch today. He really enjoyed the presents, lunch and the cake that the restaurant provided. He and I have been much easier with each other in the past few years. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when he talks politics. We have vastly different political beliefs. But I find some common ground that we can talk about such as boat engines, gardening, movies, books, and cats.

I could choose to argue points on many things but I don't. I realize that he has a mindset that isn't going to change. Life around him would have been untenable if I had spoken up on every point that I disagreed with.

If I get to be his age, I hope that I have his outlook. He isn't thinking about how few years he has left but about what he is going to do today. Just the other day I mentioned to C. that maybe I have 40 good years left. What a self-pitying thing to say. I don't know any of that.

It is clear that I can't foretell what will occur in the future. But to be at an advanced age and still have a good outlook on each day is a remarkable thing. Here's to you, Pop.

Zodiacal changes

Well, I didn't win the chili contest or get a placement.  I did get quite a few votes from my combination of the World's Best Chili from Dave with a $25,000 chili contest winning recipe that I had in a book.  It was a fun time with ten entries and everyone had a good time.  I have to say that one of my favorites was a chili that had a lot of cumin and a dash of cinnamon in it--a middle eastern type.  Delicious!

The good news is that the corn bread I brought was declared spectacular.  It was wolfed down before the second wave went through the food line.  I may have a hit on my hands with that.  So I'll be known for my cornbread instead of the chili.  Okay by me.

But what has stunned me even more than the results of the contest, was the news that I am no longer a Capricorn but a Sagittarius.  How could this be? Here I have been thinking that I had these Capricornian traits:

Practical and prudent

Ambitious and disciplined

Patient and careful

Humorous and reserved

Pessimistic and fatalistic

Miserly and grudging

But instead I now am really:

Optimistic and freedom-loving

Jovial and good-humored

Honest and straightforward

Intellectual and philosophical

Blindly optimistic and careless

Irresponsible and superficial

Tactless and restless

The good news is that 1) I am skeptical about astrology and 2) if all the sign stuff is true, I do have some traits of both.  So my current self is in line with my former self I guess, although it is unlikely that the relationship would be a lasting one!  I am glad that I don't have to worry about any of this since now I am so irresponsible and superficial.  But the freak in bed part should compensate for those few character defects!

I am off to dreamland.  Hope that there are no chili nightmares.  Tomorrow is another day, and I'm not cooking anything.

No coincidence

Well, the chili is cooking and the corn bread is done.  I am making two pots of chili from two different recipes.  And I'm doing the same with the cornbread.  I had a lot of fun this morning cooking and dicing and slicing. C. came in to check on me and make a few suggestions.  No beans are going into the contest chili, but the vegetarian one has beans in it.  Now I am going to clean up the mess that I've made.  I am actually pretty clean when I cook (I'm sure that you are thinking--good Syd, you washed your hands and didn't get any hair in the chili).  Not much was spilled on the floor, and the ramekins saved the day.  I used about ten ramekins for all the ingredients, and they were organized in order.  Just like a chemistry class!

I did a sponsee call in the midst of the cornbread making.  I told him that I would put him on speaker as I finished up what I was doing, if that was okay.  He is doing a fourth step via the long and detailed Blueprint for Progress.  It took me about four months to get through the fourth step, and I wasn't dragging my feet.  It is just a long process in Al-Anon.  Sometimes I would just like to go right to the AA inventory and not do the Blueprint. But a part of me, that part that says "go by the book" (the chemistry class attitude), says to do it the way that I was guided through the steps by my sponsor.  You see,  I can be impatient at times.  It is one of my defects.  I have to remind myself that the more that is revealed in a fourth step, the better things will go when we get to the rest of the steps.  Don't rush the process, I tell myself. 

Yesterday a man called who wants me to temporarily sponsor him while his real sponsor is getting over some stuff that has sidelined him for over a month and a half.   I said that I would be glad to help this man.  When I first met him in a meeting, he was angry, loud and dominant.  I remember thinking that he was not a person I wanted to get close to.  After a year in meetings,  he has changed remarkably.  He still likes to talk a lot, but the anger is gone.  He has humility now and seems filled with a lot of happiness.  I don't think that it is coincidence that he chose me to be a temporary sponsor.  He said that I exuded openness and a non-judging attitude.  Wow--if only he knew what I had originally thought of him when he first came in.  I will share that in an amends at the appropriate time.  For right now, I am grateful to be of service in the interim while his sponsor is getting back on track. 

Tonight is rowing with the team.  It will be good to be out in brisk winds and cold temperatures (for us anything in the 20's and 30's is cold).  After the row,  we generally go to dinner and enjoy some comraderie.  I am glad to have your comraderie on the blogs.  We may not always agree, but we keep an open mind.  That is what you have taught me.  Corny or not, thanks for that.

It is chili

Many thanks to those of you who made suggestions and even provided recipes.  I am taking some from each of what you sent and making an amalgamated chili that should be good.  If I get a placement, that will be cool and totally unexpected. One of the things that gave me pause was adding a can of beer to the chili.  But alcohol evaporates in the cooking process, so I don't think that is an issue. 

But living with an alcoholic will make one a bit paranoid about beer and wine in cooking.  I remember early on in recovery, we were both having lunch at a nice restaurant.  We wanted to share a dessert so I asked the server what the desserts were.  She rattled off a bunch.  C. thought that Bananas Foster would be good.  So I asked what was in it! When the server said that it had rum and banana liquor in it, I immediately said, "Oh no, we don't want that." 

There it was--out of my mouth in an instant.  I was fearful about the alcoholic having anything to do with alcohol, or even thinking about alcohol.  Yes, I was new to recovery, but thinking back on that moment of insanity, I realize how far I have now come.  I don't need to protect anyone from themselves.  That isn't up to me.  What a relief!  So I am going to put a can of beer in the chili and trust that no one at the cookoff is going to go off the deep end and start guzzling the entire pot. 

Yesterday, we did lose power for a while.  It wasn't a big deal as we nearly always lose power at least a few times a year out here in the country.  The fire was warm and the nap that I took on the couch was delicious.  Today I am going to go down to the boat and check on things there.  It is still in the 30's here but at least there is no rain.  And later this evening, I am going to a meeting.  Another day to make of it what I can. 

Marooned

There is ice covering everything here.  The bridges have been closed for now, so we are marooned on the island.  That's just fine with me.  We have a good fire going in the fire place just in case the power goes out.  That is highly likely because there are so many trees all around, and the power lines are above ground so susceptible to falling tree limbs.

I am going to spend the day reading and maybe cooking something good for dinner.  There is a chili cook off on Thursday at the Sail and Power Squadron, so I have got to get all the ingredients together.  If anyone has some outstanding chili recipes that they would like to share, please send them to me.  I am not going to put beans in the chili but will keep it as a true meat based chili.  We will cook some corn bread to go with it.  I like the kind that has whole kernel corn in the recipe.

I sound like an intense chef from the food network this morning.  That's what an ice storm does--makes one think of food, warm fires, and enjoying being home.  Tonight is my home group meeting.  I am not sure whether I will make the 40 minute drive to get there.  That meeting, as I have written before, is held on another island and way out in the country.  It is a wonderful drive but probably not the best thing to do if freezing conditions continue.

I am planning on having a moment of silence and meditation this morning at 11 AM.  It will be my morning meditation.  A moment to just sit in silence and offer prayers for being here, being present, being in recovery and being filled with gratitude.

The Dark Side

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Yoda

I have been pretty much stunned by the shootings in Arizona. I wonder what fear drove the shooter to do this dark deed. I wonder about how we treat each other. I wonder what the families of those who were killed or injured are thinking.

I don't know if any answers come out of insanity. I doubt it. I am simply mindful of how close the dark side may actually be.

Tonight I went to a meeting where the discussion was on the fourth step-- made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Fear is at the root of so many misconceptions, twisting logic and reason.

I am grateful to not feel fear, even in the face of so much that is fearful. Yet, there are still moments when I simply feel as if something good has been stolen from me. Like a light has been diminished and absorbed a bit by darkness.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I was asked to review Eileen Flanagan's book The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change—and When to Let Go. You will recognize the Wisdom to Know the Difference from the Serenity Prayer. It is one that I have used for a long time in Al-Anon. It is said at every meeting. I have used it as a mantra when things seemed unmanageable for me.

The prayer is broken into three parts. The first is a hope that God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. This means that I am powerless over people, places, and things. This is Step One in my program of recovery which is really about my surrender. The second part of the prayer is about the courage to change the things I can.  I know that I can only change myself. And the third part is the wisdom to know the difference between these two: my powerlessness over others and my power over myself. This is really about discernment and choices.  I must exercise healthy choices in order to live a life that is happy, joyous and free.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference is Ms. Flanagan’s idea of a well-lived life. She points out that our culture stresses taking control of everything in our lives. It is stressful to think that we can defy so many things that are really beyond our control. An example given in the book is trying to defy aging by having endless surgeries. This may be a quick fix but in the end gravity will win.

I like the way the book is laid out.  It is divided into a number of spiritual lessons. All of the ones provided are good, but I especially could identify with The Courage to Question, Knowing Yourself, Practicing Loving Acceptance, and Letting Go of Outcomes. These are ones that I would like to examine in my review.

The Courage to Question is something that I have had to work hard on.  I grew up with conditioning from my family. The conditioning was critical and shaped me to not only be critical of others but to be most critical of myself.  In recovery, I have had to change my way of thinking. I don’t have to continue with the dogmas and beliefs of childhood but can exercise my free will to decide what makes most sense to me as an adult. Yet, the author points out the difference between willingness and willfulness. She uses Alcholics Anonymous as an example where willingness to change is more important than exerting will power.

The chapter on Knowing Yourself was another one that particularly resonated with my life.  So many of us are “expected” to do certain things in life, as pre-determined by our culture, our parents, our career associates, our significant others. As I was reading this chapter, I thought of the French sailor Bernard Moitessier who decided on a solo around the world race that he did not want to go back to all the accolades and cheering people. He decided that his place was on his boat and at sea so he pulled away from the race in the Atlantic and sailed half way around the world again to Tahiti. He knew himself enough to know that he would not be happy going back. This is an extreme example. There are other examples such as staying in relationships that aren’t working, staying in jobs that don’t stimulate us, or pretending that we are someone other than who we really are. Ms. Flanagan points out that facing painful feelings helps to not let those emotions control us, which could eventually lead to anxiety, depression, and physical ailments.

One of the great things about Practicing Loving Acceptance is that my relationships with others change as I have compassion.  I may hate the disease of alcoholism, but I can love the alcoholic. Ms. Flanagan points out that acting out our best self can make it more likely that others will change their behavior. I think about not trying to control the alcoholic, but going about working my own recovery and then seeing the positive effects that has had on our relationship.

Finally, the last chapter I want to mention is Letting Go of Outcomes. This has been the most difficult process for me. But if I fully accept that I cannot change people, places, and things, then it follows that I have to let them go to make their own decisions, have their own successes and failures. In the book, we are asked to visualize something that we have been carrying for too long. Write about our fear of letting it go. Symbolize it and then release it. I think that this is what I did in making amends to my dead parents. I wrote out the amends in letters, burning each one in a sacred spot, and having the ashes carried away by the wind.  It helped me to let go of their ghosts from the past.

I found a lot of profound wisdom in this book. It is about our self-discovery and the choices that we have in life. I like the example at the end of the book in which “I’ve got to be in my boat, but I’ve got to keep paddling. But it’s in this infinite ocean. I would just be ludicrous to think I knew fully and completely where I was going….Even when we’re paddling as hard as we can, we can’t control the ocean.” In our own reality, we don’t have to travel down the path of trying to exert control over others, but can change and do those things that will bring peace into our lives.

If you would like to read other reviews of this book, they can be found here.

Family disease

One of the things that I have heard people talk about in Al-Anon is how they came to be affected by alcoholism.  Many had a parent who was alcoholic.  I believe that I was one of those, although my father never declared himself an alcoholic.  But I know that I surely came from a dysfunctional family when it came to alcohol abuse.

My father was a weekend drinker who generally didn't leave the house.  He would sit and sip whiskey.  Occasionally, he would go to a friend's restaurant and have a few beers.  My earliest memory of the effect of his drinking was when I was around 5 years old.  He had a single car accident, driving while impaired, that resulted in his breaking an arm.  There were other childhood memories of his drinking.  I recall to this day the night that I asked my mother to talk to my dad and ask him to stop drinking because I was afraid that he would be an alcoholic.  I was in the fourth grade at the time.

I didn't like going to visit my father's sisters because they were drinkers.  It was generally a free for all when he and two of his sisters would get together.  One died early of a massive heart attack and the other died of alcoholism, as did her daughter.  I remember visiting them when I was in college.  They were a couple of sad people living together in a large house and drinking from late morning until way into the night.  The daughter was found dead in the house after her mother died.  Sadly, she had been a beautiful young woman, but years of alcohol abuse had done its damage internally and externally.

The fall out from all of this was that I grew up to be an adult at a young age.  I was already feeling responsible for others when I was a child.  I think that alcoholism robs children of their childhood.  It took away a lot of the carefree feeling that most children have.  I learned early on about walking on egg shells and about feeling anxious because of the shame that I had around drinking.

Some people who come into Al-Anon did not have an alcoholic parent.  But if one shakes the family tree hard enough, a lot of alcoholics are bound to come tumbling down.  Alcoholism may have been "second hand", but it really doesn't matter.  It is a family disease because it affects so many--parents, children, siblings, friends.

My exposure to alcoholism came first hand.  I grew up with it, married it,  and have friends who are in recovery from it.  It doesn't matter though whether the effects of alcoholism were from first hand experience or not.  What matters is the hand that was extended to me when I sought relief from my pain.  I came in broken but have achieved a degree of being repaired by what I have learned in recovery.  Many have reached out to me.  I grasped their hand and eventually extended my hand to others through sponsoring.

Nothing is hopeless no matter how it may seem at the time.  I once felt doomed to a dire existence.  Yet, I have learned to be a kid again.  Sure,  I still feel a sense of responsibility, but I can also slide out from under the mantle of self-restriction by doing those things that give me immense pleasure these days.  I am grateful for the chance to let go of the gloom and doom feelings and move into the sunlight of the spirit.

A review of The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I was asked to review Eileen Flanagan's book The Wisdom to Know the Difference for a virtual book tour.  My review was scheduled for January 5.  But due to my not writing the review over the weekend, I am publishing it on the blog post for January 7.  Please go here to read my review of this outstanding book.

The book is available from Amazon

A gift

Well, things are much better today.  The molecules of dog poop that had attached themselves to my nasal lining were cleaned out in the shower.  I no longer think that I am walking in or smelling poop.  The old dog is eating rice for a couple of days to settle her stomach.  I will also pick up some special dog food for stomach issues.  She can scarf down anything when we aren't looking so she might have eaten something on the beach that caused the diarrhea attack.  She is fine though, wagging her tail and being her happy self.  She and I appreciate your concerns.

Last night I went to my home group meeting.  The topic was about powerlessness (Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable).  It is not coincidence that I hear just what I need when I go to a meeting.  I understand what being powerless means.  I have no control over what others say or do.  And I know rationally that alcoholism will rear its head at any time, even with those who are sober.  It is frustrating that I can still let its effects hurt me. If only for a few seconds/minutes,  when I hear criticism and blame directed at me,  I am momentarily stunned.  And then, if I am using what I have learned in Al-Anon, I can choose not to defend myself or get angry.  I can simply realize that what is going on may not be about me at all. 

I know enough to not believe what I hear. And I know that I'm not powerful enough to cause someone else to drink or make a mess of their life. I don't want to be blamed for someone's behavior. I am not the reason a person drinks, and I'm not the reason that they don't drink. The state of happiness of another is not my job.

But I am to blame if I am miserable. I am to blame if I accept the anger of another and then own it. I am to blame for doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. That's the insanity of my thinking.

So to be reminded of how powerless I am over others at the meeting last night helped me to get the focus back on myself. I thought that the following reading was particularly relevant:

"Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-Anon. We discover how we feel and benefit from giving voice to those feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.

Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I'm trying to control someone else or whether I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable -- agrees with what I've said or takes my advice -- then I know I've lost my focus." from Courage to Change.

Not reacting to another's anger is truly a gift. There are other gifts too.  When I got home from the meeting last night, there was a surprise waiting for me.  It was in a little box and contained this:

It is a magic little box that allows me to listen to music, download movies, view photos, and do other things right on my HD TV.  I love all things Apple.  My wife knows that.  She had seen me admiring this little gadget and got it for me.  Love, powerlessness, Apple, Al-Anon--what gifts these are.  I experienced them all today. 

Good morning

I don' know what to title this post because it is about dog poop. I was awoken around 2 AM by the smell of poop. Our old dog had diarrhea inside the boat, pretty much covering one of the rugs.

Since then I have listened to C. curse about the "accident", about everything smelling like crap, and about the dinghy being filled with it because she threw the poop filled rug in the dinghy.

It is right comedic how these things can wreak havoc with her serenity. I chose to keep quiet, get the dog and dinghy to shore and rinse off the interior of the dinghy. Nobody died and the boat now smells like French vanilla room spray.

I see how little things can set each of us off, if we let them. I didn't buy into her tirade, choosing to keep my mouth shut and go about getting through a crappy situation. I could see how senseless it would be for both us to start yelling about a pile of poop.

I have learned that little is accomplished through anger, panic, or whining. It has been a crappy start to the day, but after a couple more hours of sleep, hopefully things will be better. At least, I will be able to better see the brown stains.

New Year's Day

It has been a lovely day here. We did not exactly make it until midnight, but that was okay. After sailing for five hours yesterday, we were tired when we got to the anchorage.

Sailing was really good, and she went along smoothly. She defied the laws of physics by staying steady on course. It is such a big difference to sail on her where the helm stays true.

Once we anchored, we went for a walk on the beach. The sunset was beautiful. We fixed dinner and then took a nap with the intention of getting up again.

I woke up when the fireworks started going off. I could see them from the city, and someone was shooting off bottle rockets on the island. Our old dog is afraid of fireworks so she decided to make a bomb shelter under the v-berth. I watched the new year arrive and then went back to sleep.

Today we built a fire on the beach. The fog had rolled in early so it was nice to have the warmth. I forgot to bring any black eye peas or collard greens for today's meal so it looks as if we will be neither wealthy or healthy in 2011, according to folk lore. But maybe flounder and filet mignon for dinner will get us by.

The past year has been a good one. I believe that in 2010 I made a lot of improvements in my personal journey. I was able to feel the peace of acceptance and letting go. I retired from a long-time career without too much regret. I decided to fulfill a dream by buying a cruising sailboat.

I have no idea what 2011 will bring. I do my best to not project into the future. I don't make resolutions. Instead, I will do my best to live daily with gratitude, acceptance, and hope in my heart.

Wishing you the best today and every day.