The five percent

I heard an interview with Charlie Sheen in which he bashed Alcoholics Anonymous and their "5 percent success rate."  He said that he has his own rehab program at his home, calling it Sober Valley Lodge. He said that he doesn't want AA to have anything to do with it, as if AA were going to come knocking and asking to be part of Sober Valley Lodge.

Evidently,  Sheen has cured his own addiction by closing his eyes and making it so with his mind.  He said that he had to unload 22 years of fiction from AA and thought that the Big Book was "a silly book written by a broken-down fool who is a plagiarist."

I was thinking what it would like if the 95% who were still a mess would move on to Sober Valley Lodge and work a recovery program Sheen's way.  That would mean that AA would be filled with those who really have recovery-- a "stick with the winners" group.

I wonder how many alcoholics/addicts really think that Sheen has the answers.  He professes to be so "successful" because he has a super brain, tiger blood, Adonis DNA, and is a "freakin rock star from Mars".  Those who relapse, as he has, are "trolls".

I wish him the best with his recovery.  Maybe his mind and tiger blood and Adonis DNA will be all that he needs.  I wonder if he thinks about what those around him, his family in particular, are thinking.  His father said "We have to love that much more. We have to be that much more present." But sometimes the love becomes worn down and being present becomes more difficult.

I think that if love and being present could help those who have substance abuse problems,  there would be a lot more sober people.  I tried and tried with love and being present, but it didn't make any difference until the alcoholic was ready to admit being powerless over alcohol.  It also meant that I had to admit that I was ready to surrender and needed help with my own insanity.

Fully accepting Step One is the hardest step for so many of us.  It means giving up control over others. I think that is vital for the five percent who have recovered.  Maybe Charlie Sheen will be one of those who gets it.

Growing

Yesterday, I unloaded all the mushroom compost from the pickup truck and put it in the raised beds in the garden.  It felt good to shovel and tote.  The garden is one of the things that C. loves the most.  That and the flower beds that bring forth an abundance of color in the spring, summer and fall.  The pansies are still in full bloom.  They are happy flowers. 

All appears to be going well.  The nurses help to get her out of bed and sitting up in a chair.  One of the things I have learned about cardiothoracic surgery is that it helps to have a pillow to squeeze on your chest when asked to cough.  And coughing is one of the things that she has to do--to strengthen the lungs and clear them.  She has a heart pillow that is given to each patient.  Someone in the waiting room said that it will be her best friend.  

I didn't realize that she would have the heart pillow yesterday.  I wanted to get her a stuffed animal.  Mostly all I saw were Easter bunnies and chickens.  But in one store I saw a Pillow Pet dog.  I remembered about her needing a pillow so I thought the stuffed dog pillow would be happy and useful.  She was in so much pain yesterday but hugged the little dog.  I hate to see her in pain.  They are giving her morphine and oxycodone.  Seeing her nodding off after the medication hits bothers me.  I wish that it were me instead of her going through this. 

Still, life is moving along.  Every day she will grow stronger and the pain will lessen.  Every day is a good day to be alive. 

All is well

I am relieved to tell you that the surgery was a success.   There were four blockages that needed to be treated.  Luckily,  the surgeon was able to scope the veins from her leg for the most part, so there was a minimal incision made.

This afternoon I stayed with her for several hours.  It was hard to watch her struggle with the breathing tube and the pain.  But after I got home this evening,  there was a phone call.  A weak and somewhat croaking voice said, "Hi there. Love you."  It was C. calling to tell me that she felt much better now that the "garden hose" was out of her throat.  I was so glad to hear from her.

Tonight I am going to chill and hopefully get a full night's sleep.  I have not slept well for a couple of nights.  Time to exhale and just relax a bit.  I know that we are going to be okay.

Acknowledging Fear

Tomorrow morning the surgeons will do their job to bypass the blocked vessels and restore blood flow to C.'s heart.  She is my heart, so I hope that they do a good job.  I have had a few moments of fear today.  But when I feel its fingers worming their way into my head, I say the Serenity Prayer which has been a mantra since I began recovery.  I realize that what happens is beyond my control. 

Today there was a stream of visitors coming to see her.  Colleagues from work,  fellow AA members, and her parents stopped by.  She was tired at the end of the afternoon.  I have had calls from Al-Anon members and that has helped me as well.  Your comments are most appreciated.  Thank you for thinking of us. People want to know what they can do.  Just sending positive thoughts and knowing that people care is good right now. 

I am planning to unload a pick up truck load of mulch and enriched soil for the garden over the next couple of days.  It helps me to stay busy. And it is time to plant potatoes and take care of the plants in the green house.  I know that C. would be sad if her beloved garden was not ready.  

I sat with my feelings today.  I acknowledged my fear.  I am not going to dwell on "why" or "what if".  I am doing what I know how to do--staying positive.

A reminder

After I wrote the happy post this morning,  my wife walked into the room and told me that she had pain in her chest and a numbness in her left arm.  She asked that I take her to the hospital that is about 35 minutes from home.  I asked her to lie down, and I called 911.  She was clammy and pale.  I gave her an aspirin to chew and waited next to her until the EMTs arrived.

She is now in the cardiac intensive care unit and will have bypass surgery on Friday morning.  She had a heart attack with some damage to the heart but the extent of that isn't known yet.  Three of her vessels are blocked.  She is in good spirits and is taking this in stride, as much as one can.   I am relieved that she is in the best possible place for heart problems as the heart and vascular center is superb here. 

I feel a lot of emotions right now.  How quickly life can change from one moment to the next.  I am reminded that every moment is precious. I know that this is part of something bigger than I am.  And, yes, I am powerless over the outcome.  That is in the hands of her surgeons and her HP.

I am planning to read and comment on blogs when I can.  She and I have many friends in both fellowships.  You are here in support and friendship as well.  Your positive thoughts for her are much appreciated.  I am planning to keep to my usual routine as much as I can, minus going on the boat.  That will be delayed for some time.  The most important thing to me now is having my loved one be well.  As one of my favorite bloggers writes, "Every day matters".  Yes, it does.  It surely does.

Health

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was concerned about a problem my wife was having.  She went  for a CAT scan last week and yesterday she had an internal exam.  Thankfully, the problem is a benign cyst.  She was in some discomfort last night from all the poking and prodding, but relieved that there was nothing more serious. 

For a few moments over these couple of weeks,  I had let my mind project "what if" scenarios: What if she has cancer? What if I lose her?  And I actually wondered whether her drinking for so many years would now be manifesting itself in serious health issues. Thankfully, I didn't dwell on any of that for long.  I know that whatever happens, we will deal with it.  And that it is much better for me to simply live in the day and not concoct something that has not happened. 

We both have excellent medical care.  We get lots of exercise, staying mentally and physically active.  I think that having ones good health is a precious thing. In fact, that is one of the reasons that I never smoked or drank much--I wanted to keep myself in good physical and mental condition.  I don't focus on the aches and pains that happen from sailing, gardening, and a lot of other physical activity that I do.  Instead I keep the muscles going.  I plan to eek as much out of life as I can by being physically fit.

Today, I am getting an old aluminum john boat ready for a trip to Cape Romain Lighthouse tomorrow.  We will be using the john boat, Oardacity, as a tender for the sailboat.  I have rebuilt the transom and today will put a block of styrofoam floatation under each seat. 

Our plan is to go up the ICW as far as we can tomorrow, anchor for the night and then proceed the rest of the way to a deep creek near McClellanville where we will anchor.  The ICW or "ditch" as it is unaffectionately known is shallow and not really suited for the sailboat whose draft is fairly deep.  I will try not to mud bog her. 

Once we get to Five Fathom creek, we can then take the john boat and meander through the creeks to get to Cape Romain Light on Saturday where an old fellow we know will be opening it up.  He was born at the lighthouse, and Saturday is his birthday. 

I am looking forward to taking lots of photos, touring the old lighthouse, and hopefully hearing some stories about what it was like to grow up there.  This fellow will be celebrating 80 years on Saturday.  His health is not good and his temperament even worse.  But it is a chance to capture a piece of this Lowcountry landscape that I so love.  And a chance to hear some stories of what it was like to be a kid growing up with the birds and the water and marsh as your entertainment.  I am reminded of one of my favorite poems:

 It was my thirtieth year to heaven
     Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
        And the mussel pooled and the heron
                Priested shore
           The morning beckon
     With water praying and call of seagull and rook
     And the knock of sailing boats on the webbed wall
           Myself to set foot
                That second
        In the still sleeping town and set forth.

        My birthday began with the water-
     Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
        Above the farms and the white horses
                And I rose
            In a rainy autumn
     And walked abroad in shower of all my days
     High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
            Over the border
                And the gates
        Of the town closed as the town awoke.

        A springful of larks in a rolling
     Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
        Blackbirds and the sun of October
                Summery
            On the hill's shoulder,
     Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
     Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
            To the rain wringing
                Wind blow cold
        In the wood faraway under me.

        Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
     And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
        With its horns through mist and the castle
                Brown as owls
             But all the gardens
     Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
     Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
             There could I marvel
                My birthday
        Away but the weather turned around.

        It turned away from the blithe country
     And down the other air and the blue altered sky
        Streamed again a wonder of summer
                With apples
             Pears and red currants
     And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
     Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
             Through the parables
                Of sunlight
        And the legends of the green chapels

        And the twice told fields of infancy
     That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
        These were the woods the river and the sea
                Where a boy
             In the listening
     Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
     To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
             And the mystery
                Sang alive
        Still in the water and singing birds.

        And there could I marvel my birthday
     Away but the weather turned around. And the true
        Joy of the long dead child sang burning
                In the sun.
             It was my thirtieth
        Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
        Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
             O may my heart's truth
                Still be sung
        On this high hill in a year's turning.

"Poem in October" by Dylan Thomas

Anniversary, The New D and The Edge of America

I just got back from my home group meeting.  It was my sponsor's anniversary of 19 years.  We had some refreshments at the meeting, signed a card, and lit a candle to remember just how special these anniversaries are.  His XIX medallion was given to him by his sponsor who was given it by my sponsor.  Literally, what goes around, comes around in Al-Anon. 

After the meeting, we headed to the local Chinese restaurant for some fellowship after the meeting.  This is the country so the restaurants are not too varied.  The Chinese one is sporting a sign that reads New D in neon red.  It is supposed to say New Dragon, but I like New D better.  It sounds a bit sportier to me. 

Next door to the New D is Po Boys which is the local pool/beer hall.  We heard Jethro Tull's Aqualung coming through the cracked door as we were going into the New D and then heard Sympathy for the Devil when we were coming out. Midway through the General Tso's chicken and the steamed dumplings, someone at our table said, "Do you smell marijuana?".  I just about snorted the hot mustard due to laughing.  This is back country SC where more than tomatoes are grown.  And that reminds me of Steve Earle's song Copperhead Road.  Sure enough, there is an actual Copperhead Road on the island where I live.  Maybe they are referring to snakes, maybe not.

I got a call from a sponsee today who is fed up and anxiety ridden over having altercations with neighbors who have late night parties and barking dogs that go on and on all day.  He and his wife are at wit's end.  This seems like an outside issue to me, but I suspect that there is a tradition or step that will help even in this situation.  After all, I am reminded most days to "practice these principles in all our affairs". 

I didn't tell my sponsee that buying a town home in a town that is nicknamed "The Edge of America" was probably not the best thing to do if a person is looking for peace and quiet.  When he explained that the duplex he bought is shared with a duo next door who are yelling and screaming at all hours and who have yelled and screamed at him for complaining about barking dogs,  I was reminded of why I am glad that I live on enough land where I can't even see my neighbors. 

We discussed appropriate boundaries such as calling the police and possibly the need for him to buy some ear plugs or make an appointment with a therapist who could help with his great anxiety and pent up anger about the neighbors.  I think that there are choices to be made: call the police, put the unit up for sale or talk to a therapist and get some medication to help with the anxiety.  I have the most trouble with these outside issues that appear to be related to recovery.  I have learned that ignoring a problem until it grows to a huge resentment is not going to make the situation any better.  Life is too short to spend in agony over unruly neighbors and barking dogs. 

Well, I am tired and have had another full day.  Not too much drama.  Just enough to be grateful that I can sleep with the sound of the spring peepers going crazy in the wetland near the house, and that I don't have neighbors or a bar and grill next door.  Good night from the country. 

On the beach

I couldn't resist the photo of the old dog and me in front of the washed up TV. I actually don't watch much TV, only the occasional news program. I cannot tell you when I watched a TV series episode that wasn't about history or the weather. I do like movies though.

Last night I watched a movie about the friendship of two young boys in Nazi Germany. One was lonely and the son of a concentration camp commandant. The other was the son of a Jewish watchmaker. They were drawn together by their need for friendship. Two lonely children who found a bond in spite of their differences. That bond was stronger than the fence between them.

I find that one of the most precious things to me is true friendship. I have not been a good friend who keeps up with everyone. I have let people slip away in the past.

These days I have a few good friends in recovery who I can count on and who can count on me. Yet, I still have this urge to be solitary. I know that I have a tendency to isolate which isn't a good thing. I know that one of the ways to have friends is to be one. That is something that I am mindful of now more than ever. And I work to nurture the friendships that I have.

At the diner

I am having breakfast at a diner near the marina. After going to the course in marine electronics last night, I spent the night on the boat. The fog rolled in, creating an eery scene. No lights from the city or big bridge were visible. An occasional fog horn would sound as the cargo ships made their way to port.

I had every intention of leaving on the rising tide early this morning. Instead I slept in and awoke feeling hungry. So here I am at the diner, having coffee and an omelet with grits and pancakes for breakfast. I come here fairly often because it is locally owned, has the morning paper, and friendly servers who seem to enjoy their job and customers.

When I was a kid, there were lots of these places. My father and I would stop in for cheeseburgers and fries. I can't remember having breakfast at the local joints because he fixed the best breakfast around with cured ham, eggs, home made biscuits, and red eye gravy. I marvel that I don't have heart disease from the cooking of my youth.

Sadly, most of these mom and pop places are gone. But there are still a few around if you care to bypass the chain and fast food restaurants. I look for these places of local color when I travel and purposely avoid the plastic cookie cutter ones.

In a few hours I will be leaving on the boat to catch the outgoing tide. I will sail for a few hours until sunset and then go to the anchorage to spend the night. The old Labrador has had her arthritis medicine and is ready for a good walk on the beach. Record temperatures will occur today so it will be the first time to go without shoes.

Regarding the sponsee that I took to an open speaker meeting, he was moved by what he heard. As the HP had it, the speaker was excellent and had 21 years of recovery to share. The birthday celebrant who was there got a 34 year medallion. He said that none of us come to these rooms at the top of our game. No one comes in saying how great their relationship with others is, or how happy they are, or how life is going so well and all we need is a little bit of recovery.

No, most of us come in as a broken shell of a person, emptied of hope. So true. I was glad to have this sponsee hear and see what can happen when one is willing. And the look of hope on the faces of those who picked up a white chip was moving. I left feeling renewed. Surely, we were meant to be there.

Hope that you are enjoying this day. I am going to make the most of it.

Another day in paradise

I am taking one of my sponsees to an open AA meeting today.  He is a new sponsee, and we are just getting to know each other.  He really didn't understand about going to an open AA meeting and what that was about. 

It wasn't until coming to Al-Anon and going to open AA meetings that I learned the difference between hating the disease and not the alcoholic. Both programs taught me about having respect for others. I learned that everyone has the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage their lives.

I think that the Al-Anon pamphlet "3 Views of Alcoholism" really provides insight into what the alcoholic goes through.  Here is what it says:

"I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them every time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in anyway to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you,

Your alcoholic"

Some where out there in this place that looks like paradise to me are miserable people who are affected by alcoholism.  It isn't a pretty day with lots of sunshine for them.  I know what I used to feel like and how I simply struggled to put on the best face possible, go to work, deal with what awaited me at home and then start the whole thing over again the next day.  Sure, there were moments when I felt good, but always there was the nagging anxiety. 

Today I am reasonably sane and happy.  I have much to be grateful for.  I am glad to be passing the message on to others and to let them know that misery is optional.  What an opportunity to appreciate the one life that we are given and not waste it away with worry and sadness.  I am so glad that alcoholism did not defeat me, but rather awakened something in me to get me to finally see just how precious each day really is. 

Hearts

"When we first fall in love, the powerful force of possibility grips us and pulls us along deeper and deeper into the days. When first shaping the bonds of love, we look at each other with incredible freshness and appreciate who is before us...... Inevitably, though, as we grow intimate, we begin to lose sight of each other, and there comes a day when we no longer see our loved one as others do. Now we see inside of their face, up close. Now we swim in each other like a mysterious river in which we sometimes see ourselves, and sometimes soothe ourselves, and sometimes drink of each other. Eventually, we climb into the painting we once stared at with our pounding heart, and from inside the painting, we can forget there ever was such a painting. This is how we can take each other for granted. This is how we can imagine that the magic is gone. But, as the reward for being drawn to the sea is to swim with the waves, the reward for being drawn into the depth of another is to feel each other rather than to see each other." from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.
We spent time this morning just holding each other.  We do that a lot, not just on Valentine's Day.  A closeness that is so intimate.  It isn't the fevered pitch of the first time that we touched each other.  It is comfort, passion, compassion, joy and acceptance all rolled together.  I call the feeling love. 

I surely have had those moments when I didn't want to see or feel the person that I love.  Feelings may have ebbs and flows.  Yet love remained constant,  strongly pulling us to each other.  Even after arguments, love meant that we could forgive, let go of what happened yesterday and move to where we are today.  I know that I do see and feel the person I love. I don't have pretend fantasies any more. We know each other so well.  I also cannot imagine life without her.  I'm grateful for sharing the days that we've had together.  I don't think that it was by accident that we were attracted to each other.

I see all those things.  I see us progressing in years.  I see us growing old together.  And I love what I see.  She will be my love today as she has been since we first met. 

Getting off the merry go round

One of my favorite pieces of literature in Al-Anon is entitled The Merry-Go-Round of Denial. Any kind of addiction can set up a Merry-Go-Round of blame and denial. I am going to relate some of what I found so helpful in this pamphlet. I am using the alcoholic as an example but probably the same could be true for the addict.

There are three types of people who ride the Merry-Go-Round with the alcoholic. One is the enabler who is impelled to rescue the alcoholic from the disease. The enabler, by trying to save the alcoholic, also is meeting a desperate need himself. What happens when the enabler steps in is that the alcoholic is denied the process of learning from mistakes. Instead, the alcoholic learns that someone will be there to come to the rescue. And the rescue attempts will continue as long as everyone stays on the merry go round.

The other individual on the Merry-Go-Round is the victim. This person is responsible for getting the work done, if the alcoholic is absent due to drinking or is half on and half off the job due to a hangover. The victim essentially tries to protect the alcoholic. And the victim can also become a real emotional victim who feels shame, disappointment and eventually rage over the behavior of the alcoholic. This is a role that I played for sure. I absorbed injustices, endured social embarrassments, accepted broken promises, and was broken in spirit. My reaction was to spew out hostility, anxiety and anger. And I was as sick as the alcoholic.

The provoker is another individual who usually lives with the alcoholic. This person is generally hurt and upset by the drinking. As a result the relationship with the alcoholic becomes one that is filled with bitterness, resentment, fear and hurt. The provoker tries to control and force changes. But the provocation only brings about anger and blame from the alcoholic. And here is another part of me that I could see.

Because of these behaviors by those around him, the alcoholic's dependency increases. Others have cleaned up the mess and suffered the consequences of the alcoholic's drinking. Why should the alcoholic change? Everything is done for her/him so why not continue to drink or drug?

Here's where this really ceases to be a Merry-Go-Round but more like a House of Horrors with a revolving door. The alcoholic denies that there is a problem. And begins to blame the family for nagging and creating problems. I know this one well too.

The real problem is that the alcoholic is well aware of the truth which he so strongly denies. He is aware of his drunkenness. He is aware of his failure. His guilt and remorse have become unbearable; he cannot tolerate criticism or advice from others.

Everyone in the family of the alcoholic vows not to repeat their insanity but they continue to do so. And the alcoholic will continue to drink unless the cycle is broken when those associated with the alcoholic decide to change.

Thus, the Enablers and the Victim must seek information, insight and understanding, if they plan to change their roles. The Enabler must make a decision that he is powerless over the alcoholic and let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his drinking . By doing so, the Enabler allows the alcoholic the dignity to fail or succeed.

The Victim who is often a spouse becomes crushed, empty and nearly destroyed. By seeking help through therapy or Al-Anon, the spouse will change roles and not be the victim anymore. When that happens, it may get the attention of the alcoholic. If the non-alcoholic changes, this may make the alcoholic seek help. But there are no guarantees of that.

There is no easy way to change behaviors. Some find it more painful to change than to just keep things the way they are. I found that if I didn't change, I would be sinking so low that my life no longer mattered. I decided that I had to break that cycle of the downward spiral. Thankfully, my wife entered AA at the time that I went to Al-Anon. I think that we both realized that the life we had wasn't really living.

So if you are doing the same things over and over with nothing changing, it may be time to get off the Merry-Go-Round. When your heart and soul are tied up in another and you despair for your own sanity, it may be time to change what you are doing and try something different. This is the only life I have. I am not willing to give it up for the sickness of another. And once I reclaimed myself, things began to change for all around me. It is a big step to change old behaviors, but it may be your salvation.

This morning

I woke up this morning feeling filled with joy. I read a few blogs, made comments, and felt as if I had a conversation with friends. I would like to visit each of you every day. The day comes on though, and I have to get moving.

I talked to the marina manager to get him on board with a proposal for a clean marina. He was enthusiastic. I see so many cans and bottles as well as oily rags and filters put in the trash. Last night, after the Sail and Power Squadron dinner, another fellow and I pulled cans out of the trash even though the recycle bins were right beside it. It gets discouraging how we screw up the planet with our unthinking entitled attitude. It will be time to pay the piper someday.

Today, we are going to take a field trip to the Sewee Outpost where there are great boiled peanuts and lots of funky stuff to look at. From there we will drive to McClellanville to look around and take photos. So this is a photo field trip. Later tonight, we will go to another blues event in town.


So even though I want to read each and every one of the 179 posts that I haven't seen yet, I have to catch up later. The day is beckoning and it promises to be packed full.

Wishing you a good day doing what feels real and good.

The light of day

It has been a good day here.  I took several of the dogs to the beach and then to dog park where they played and ran around, enjoying the many mud puddles at the park and the surf at the beach.  They are always so tired when we finish these excursions--all are currently laid out snoring on their beds. 

Later this afternoon,  about ten people from my wife's AA home group came over for dinner. She invited them over two weeks ago.  There was plenty of food and every one seemed to enjoy the fellowship.  She made a wonderful bouillabaisse, french bread, and a delicious beef and noodle stroganoff with noodles.  Tonight after the meeting she was really tired but glad to have had her group over. 

We are both concerned over a medical problem that C. has had recently.  She has gone in for an exam and further tests are being ordered, along with a CT scan.  We won't know the results until those are done.  We are keeping a positive attitude.  I am doing my best to live in the day and not projecting about something that has not been diagnosed.  So far I am doing well with not projecting, knowing that we will both face whatever the results are.  C. is also doing well, but it tugs at my heart to see her troubled.  I want to protect her from harm but know that is not possible.  All I can do is to be kind and loving to her, help her, and be there for her no matter what. 

Just wanted to let you know because you are part of my recovery community.  And this is something that has been on my mind over the past week.  It was time for me to give it up here.  And by letting it see the light of day, it makes my feelings much brighter.

Signs of spring

There are some signs of spring now.  I have heard the spring peepers for several nights in a row.  The daffodils are coming up, and there are buds on some of the trees.  The raccoons have been mating like banshees in one of the large trees near the wetland.  I suspect that I will see little ones in time.

This has been a chilly winter, but I can't complain because there hasn't been piles of snow or blizzards or even a significant ice storm.  Just windy and chilly.  I am hoping that we at least have turned the corner on winter.  My cold frames are filled with plants for spring.  I am looking forward to getting into the garden and tilling up the raised beds, turning over the soil. 

I am working on a couple of small grant proposals that deal with cleaning up waterways and recycling at marinas here.  I see how many aluminum cans and bottles are thrown away at the marina where my boat is.  Not a single recycling container in sight.  I have talked to management about it but get the same tired answer--too much trouble, too much money.  Anyway, it is worth a shot to write a grant to at least post signs that encourage people to remove their recycled materials and not throw them in with the other trash.

I went to my home group meeting last night.  It was a step study on coming to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  What a revelation it was for me to realize that there was a power greater than me.  I thought that I had all the answers, could solve things through sheer will power and determination.  It was a great relief to not have to try to solve the problems of others or to try to turn them into who I wanted them to be.  I wonder sometimes why I didn't realize much earlier that by doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I was getting no where.  I was simply digging myself deeper into anxiety and despair (=insanity).

Ego is such a driver in so many ways.  It plays tricks with me, making me think that all is well and that I am in control.  So many times that has been proven to not be the case.  Yet, today with the sun shining and the buds on the trees,  I feel ready to meet the challenges of the day.  I simply remind myself that I can only change the things that I can and accept that there is much beyond my control.

No time like the present

I have been reflecting over the weekend on how I seemed to have been leading a programmed life, rather than one filled with much spontaneity.  The programmed life is the one in which I studied, got a job, got married, bought a few houses, and had a good career.  A programmed life is pretty much the norm in society.  But it does have its down side--such as those things that are put off because they are stray variables in the program.  When I think back on how many things that I have put on hold because the timing wasn't right or the situation didn't suit, I am amazed that I have gotten so much done.

It seems that I have always "sacrificed" what I wanted to do for those things that I thought I should do.  I should study so I won't do something for fun.  I should go for a higher degree so that I will get a better job.  I should make more friends but find it hard to get to know and stick with people.  I should do something about my attitude and fears around alcoholism but am ashamed to admit there is a problem.  The circumstances go on and on in which I put things off because of some other pressing thing that I thought had to be done.

I like to think that after so many years of putting off the things that I really wanted to do, I am now finally doing them.  I have had goals all my life.  And those goals kept me busy working towards their achievement.  I didn't hitchhike across country because I was in college or graduate school. We didn't have any children because the time never seemed right with both of us being so invested in our careers.  The amazing thing is that I have few regrets because I realize that the choices made were fairly well thought through at the time.  Or at least they seemed to be.

To me it seemed that it was a rational decision to keep going in school.  It seemed rational not to have a hiatus in a career because of a child.  It seemed rational to save money because we would need it for later in life.  So many things were put on hold to do at some time in the future.  

And so the years have slipped past.  As I get older, I realize that there were many things that I put off for some other time.  And the years are going faster now than ever it seems.  Some things were put off because I was so absorbed with the effects of alcoholism that my sense of living had become dulled.  I kept hoping that maybe someday things would change, and I wouldn't be so uptight about her drinking. Those were years of putting one foot in front of the other with occasional excursions of enjoyment.

It really is only now that I have begun to realize that there is no time like the present to do those things that I really enjoy.  It seems implausible that I worked for 31 years and had hobbies that took time.  Now that I am free from working at a job, I am trying to do those things that I enjoy and not putting them off.  I keep cramming things on my plate like a kid who is told to have free rein in a candy store.  I can't seem to get enough of living each day to the max.

And I have given up a few things that over time no longer were fun.  I discovered that one of the hobbies that I had enjoyed for so long was no longer giving me pleasure.  In fact, it had become a hassle. So I gave it up.  In its place, I took up sailing that gives me enormous pleasure.  It is a more solitary undertaking which I seem to enjoy.  I can take people in small bits but realize that I really need time to myself. And I took up recovery that made me realize  I don't have to curtail my activities because of alcoholism.  I can do those things that I like without regrets or fear of what might happen. Working with others in Al-Anon has also given me joy, and the friends made are genuine.

Buying a sailboat was something that I put off until retirement.  And now I am seeing that the present is filled with wonderful things because I do have the time.  I am no longer procrastinating about those things that I want to do.  I want a life well lived.  And to be fully engaged with it right up to the very end.  I don't want to be programmed anymore with schedules so that every moment is planned out.  I want to have spontaneity and freedom.  So for me, there is no time like now to get moving and start enjoying each day.

Holy city blues

It's Blues Bash time in this town. There are about 25 groups at as many venues cranking out the music that I most like. There's something about the beat, the pain and the misery of good blues.

I am lucky enough to be at the marina where a Delta blues band is playing tonight. I have heard some good bluesmen over the years but I wish that I could have heard a few of the greats like Robert Johnson, Bo Diddley, and John Lee Hooker.

I remember reading about Robert Johnson, the man who is synonomous with Delta blues. A story goes that Robert went to the crossroads of Highway 61 in Mississippi and made a deal with the devil to be able to play the blues and be recognized. He did play the blues but wasn't recognized until much later when his work was recorded by the likes of the Stones, Led Zeppelin and others. His dealing must have been short-lived though because he was dead at age 27, supposedly poisoned by a jealous man whose woman he was working his mojo on.

I wonder sometimes how many of us have wanted to make a deal in order to get what we want. I think that I was willing to do just about anything to have some peace of mind around the alcoholic. I didn't quite make a deal with the devil but was as close to despair as a person could be without injuring myself. During that desperate time, I never once thought to turn to my HP for help. Instead I was busy being miserable.

But we seldom get anything that we selfishly ask for. The program teaches to not ask for selfish things but to ask to better do God's will. Maybe that's why Robert Johnson ended up dying the way that he did. Unless we give up our self-will, we are doomed to fail. No more deals for me. Just surrender, humility and acceptance.

My Higher Power is....

 

My Higher Power is.....

A vast source of energy that swirls around me

The swaying of trees in the wind

The ripples on the water

The moon rising in the sky

The sun on my shoulders

Within me and of me

I feel that energy on the trail through the forest, I feel it in the flowing river, I feel it in the night sky of scintillating stars, I feel it in the warm sunshine, a summer breeze . . . and I feel it in the loving and caring nature of other human beings.

All these things let me know that there is so much beyond the small sphere of myself.  When I am in the midst of some character defect such as self-pity and fear, I can look around me and see that there is much more to be grateful for than to whine or rail about.  Recovery has made me aware. And with awareness comes healing. 

What is your Higher Power?

 

Eggshells

I used to feel a lot of self-disgust when it came to the topic of walking on eggshells to avoid the elephant in the room.  That may sound like something out of Dr. Seuss, but it is a very real and difficult part of living with an alcoholic. 

I have never considered myself to be passive or fawning.  In fact, I recognized that I was intelligent, outwardly confident, and highly responsible.  That was what the outside world saw too.  But after years of living with an alcoholic,  I found that I was pretty much giving up my true feelings and giving in to the feelings dictated by alcoholism. 

It generally takes years to get to the point where it is easier to walk on eggshells than it is to speak my truth around unacceptable behavior.  Living with alcoholism is sometimes like being in a war zone.  There are tactics and strategies that are employed by both sides to "win".   I know now that I will never "win" in an argument with an alcoholic.  I simply don't have what it takes.  It takes an enormous amount of energy that begins to wear down from subjection to the passive aggressive or just plain aggressive behavior characteristic of active alcoholism. 

I still have a lot of co-dependent behaviors.  There are times that I put up with something unacceptable to keep the peace.  I used to say that my problem was that I cared too much, but I now realize that I was simply hoping that some hazy expectation of normalcy would happen, even when faced with irrefutable evidence that it would not.  I still find that I tend to "help too much".  There are so many other behaviors that I have used too.  Some of them included angry outbursts, pleading, fearing, denying, bribing, trying to extract promises, and others that made me hide what I really thought in order to walk on egg shells around my loved one. 

Sadly enough,  the truth sometimes is still a bit bent in order to keep the peace.  I will hold back what I am thinking.  And if unacceptable behavior occurs,  I do often ignore it, although I have in recent years spoken up to say that what was said was hurtful. I have also learned that my happiness doesn't depend on someone else making changes in their life.  I can attribute the few weeks before getting to my first Al-Anon meeting where I was in such despair, to be the motivator that got me started in the process of no longer walking on eggshells.

Now I do speak my truth when something is unacceptable to me.  I also have learned that I can walk away and not engage in a discussion that makes me out to be the one at fault.  Alcoholism tells the alcoholic to protect their ego and the disease at any cost.  It whispers "You aren't wrong.  The other one, the "normal" one, is at fault."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't buy into that BS anymore. 

I used to worry and stress over my life because it seemed that I had everything and yet, I really had nothing that was making me happy.  I was such a mess.  I had to quit minimizing my thoughts and realize that what I was thinking about being unhappy and unsatisfied was real.  I am glad that now we can talk about things and bring them out into the open.  We don't always agree, but there is respect where there used to be none.  Disrespecting each other was one of the worst things for our relationship.  We each sought to tear the other down.  Now instead I see that we are doing our best in recovery to build each other up through compassion, acceptance and trust. 

And when that feeling of walking on eggshells comes around,  I ask myself "What am I doing for me to keep myself sane, serene, and spiritually connected?"