Rain falling

It has been a rainy week here. Everything has popped out from being drenched. The pollen has been washed away and the woods are green with a hundred hues. There is something magical and relaxing about these rainy days.

I am definitely planning on relaxing today. Last night, I took the marine communication systems exam. It was not particularly easy and the class was extraordinarily technical. I came away with some practical knowledge, but there was a lot of minutia that I found difficult to focus on. If I wanted to fall asleep, what I would do is start reading the book. It was a guaranteed knock out. I think that I passed the exam which is a good thing.

I decided that after this course, I am taking a long break from courses and testing. I don't know how I did it in college and graduate school. I would take 21 hours of courses and manage to make the Dean's List. Now, I am lucky to be able to make it through ten pages of text without feeling bored out of my mind (at least on this last course). Somehow, my brain is telling me that I will comprehend those things that I am interested in and all the other stuff....well, it just shuts down.

So school is out for me. I am going to enjoy giving some ecotours, take more photos, go cruising and work in the garden. I have a book that was sent to me to review. That is on a subject that interests me so it won't be a problem. Maybe I am at the age where I am not as receptive to spending time on trivia. I want to understand the practical usage of things, and not just acquire facts that don't seem to have much purpose.

Anyway, I am off to a meeting with a couple of people I sponsor and then to a regular meeting. After that, I am going to change the oil on the boat. That is practical. Recovery is practical. I am all about that.

"Why not give myself an A now, rather than waiting for someone to give me an F later?"--quote from today's meeting about being good to myself.

Twarted attempts

Today has been a day spent in a whirlwind of effort to 1) study for the exam that I will take tomorrow night and 2) get to my regular Tuesday Al-Anon meeting.  I did get some of the studying done, getting through a review of the lectures.  But I was also waylaid for about four hours by attempting to get my wireless printer to print.

I have this incredibly stubborn streak when it comes to getting electronic equipment to work.  I fiddled with the wifi printer for over an hour,  did not get any results so I called the tech support for this printer.  I was on the phone for about an hour with one Tech who was the basement level trouble shooter.  After he could not get anything going with the printer, I was sent to Level 2 tech support.  There I connected with Wayne who worked with me for over two hours.  Wayne sounded a bit German or Scandinavian in his accent so during one of our 15 minute software downloads, I asked him where he was really located.  The caller id said Salt Lake City, Utah. 

It turns out that Wayne is in Manilla.  Although I am sure his real name isn't Wayne, he is a great fellow who was totally patient and a speed reader as he must have read about 100 pages of a trouble shooting manual as we were working on getting this wifi printer going.  After downloading new software and tweaking a few other things, we were able to successfully get the printer doing what it was supposed to do.

Meanwhile, I was keeping an eye on the clock as the afternoon slipped away and the time for my meeting came and went.  Wayne said that I had been extraordinarily patient.  I suppose that I had been.  I was a hostage to my desire to get the damn printer up and going.  So I was finally able to print the documents I needed, but missed the meeting.  I could tell that I really need a meeting.  But once I started with the printer and began working with Wayne in Manilla,  I was determined to see this through.

At the end of the conversation,  I told Wayne that I would like to write a letter of commendation for his help.  He said that as long as we had resolved the issue and got the printer working, he was just fine with that.  He and I shared a laugh when I said that I should buy him dinner. A nice fellow who no doubt works for a pittance of what his expertise would pay in the US.

Maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Not necessarily where I wanted to be, but where I was supposed to be.  God, I can dogmatically pursue things at time.  Maybe that is why I have had a successful career.  I seek a solution and work to get there.  Maybe that is what I do in Al-Anon as well.  I seek a solution and work the steps to get to recovery.  I know that I have enormous staying power to see things through to the end.  That is a double-edged sword, I suppose.

Wayne ended his day with a success.  I ended mine with a solution.  We both were happy. And I finished up studying the lecture notes for the exam.  Now I am going to bed and will be glad to let go of what might have been different about today.  I missed the meeting but maybe learned something about patience and helped a worker in the Philippines feel happy.  Not so shabby after all.

Things have changed

It is hard not to notice how much things have changed around here since C.'s heart attack.  The salt that used to sit on the counter in a large jar is no longer there.  She used to throw a bit of that into every dish she made for herself.  I have not salted anything in decades on purpose.  We would have discussions over how much salt was already in food and that having extra was harmful.  At any rate, the salt has been put away in a cupboard. Mrs. Dash in different forms now is the seasoning of choice.  Sodium content on everything is monitored closely which means less processed food. 

The regular pasta has been replaced with whole wheat pasta.  All the bread is also grain and not white.  The cereal is full of fiber.  Some of it tastes like wood, but we eat it and smile at each other knowing how crappy the heart smart woody cereal tastes. Yet, it is good for us.  Lots of things are crappy that are good for us.  We know that the Food Network isn't for those who care about heart health.

Sugar is minimal and mostly substitutes are used like Splenda.  There are no more cakes being made.  Instead, there is jello and all different kinds of fruit.  The brownies and other cookies that C. would make for meetings are on hold.

Eggs are no longer used but egg white is now the choice.  All the meats are turkey or chicken with lots more fish added to the diet.  Any meat product is low sodium now.  Red meat isn't to be found in the freezer or the refrigerator which is fine with me.  I had given that up a long time ago.

We are mindful of everything that we eat.  And eating out at restaurants hasn't happened in a while.  We used to love Chinese food but that isn't happening lately unless we make it ourselves.  It feels as if food is the enemy now.  The pleasure that we used to have in cooking and eating out has diminished.  It's okay as we will likely have a more balanced approach once C. goes to cardiac rehab.  We will learn more about what heart healthy foods are good to eat and what absolutely needs to be avoided.

I am still longing for a large piece of pizza which I will have to grab on the sly.  Somehow the idea of it is better than the thought of actually eating it.  I seem to have visions of plaque buildup from the cheese as it sticks to my arteries.  For now,  I will think about Laughing Cow Light cheese and be satisfied with some of that spread on a piece of flat bread.  My how things have changed.   

Rain at last

The rain finally arrived last night and continued throughout most of today.  There is a hatch over the V-berth and the rain was falling on it, making a wonderful comforting sound.  There is nothing quite like a lazy rainy day.  A few thunderstorms moved through and the wind rose to move through the rigging.  I checked to make sure that the anchor was holding us.  Other than that,  I slept deeply and without dreams.

This morning the old dog needed to go for her walk on the beach.  She and I took a long walk in the misting rain.  She likes this weather, having a good double coat that keeps her dry.  When we got back to the boat, we all enjoyed breakfast,  read some, and later took a nap. 

All too soon, it was time to head back to the marina.  I could stay another week out.  This life suits me, being part vagabond and mostly loner.  But there are things to do at home.  It's time to plant in the garden, putting in peppers, eggplants, tomatoes, and cucumbers.  The screened porch needs to be cleaned of pollen which will run like a yellow river when hosed off.  And this week, I am having to study for my Marine Communications System exam.  Life is calling, and it's time to get back to the reality of it. 

For the few days that I have spent on the boat, I feel cleansed and free.  The distress of the last few weeks has left me.  My spirit is renewed, just as I imagine that the plants are refreshed with the rain.  The dust has settled on the dirt road heading to the house.  The leaves are washed and the wind has shaken out the last of the oak leaves that fall every spring.  Every living thing needs a time of renewal, whether it is from rain or from having a few days to get away and live a fantasy life. 

Finally

We are finally out on the boat. After a visit with the cardiac surgeon, C. can now drive and do normal stuff except lift heavy things. I am more than willing to do the heavy lifting. And her dad is home and doing well. Things are peaceful there for the moment.

I cannot tell you how great it felt to get underway and have a dinner of King crab, salad baked sweet potato last night. We watched the sun go down while walking on the beach. Two more sail boats showed up to anchor, and we know the owners. The boat community is close and we all watch out for each other. Just like we do on here in virtual space and in our respective recovery programs.

We watched a movie, Restrepo, last night about troops in Afghanistan. After seeing this we looked at each other and said "What the hell are we doing there?". We shoot the villagers' cow, offer them $5 to give up the Taliban, blow up a hut hanging on the side of a mountain, kill some civilians and then tell the elders that they should believe it when told that things will be different now. Watch this if you haven't seen it and draw your own conclusion.

I slept the best that I have in weeks. There was hardly any wind so the hatches were open and the waves were gently slapping against the hull. I never woke until 7:30. I needed peaceful sleep without tossing and turning.

This morning I fixed breakfast. My love is smiling and feeling giddy. We danced a bit to the stereo hugging each other. Shortly I will row the old Labrador and C. to shore. Life is good today. We have seen through the turmoil of the last few weeks and come out okay. I am really grateful for this day.

People

I stand in line this morning to get coffee. Behind me is a young man whose eyes are rolling back in his head as he starts nodding off. Piss stains are on his pants. I do not know him, but think that I might know his story.

Later in the morning I am on the beach giving an ecotour to a group of students. One young man is in a wheel chair. His legs are bent and twisted. I roll him along the beach, looking for shark's teeth and interesting marine life. He is interested and engaging. He tells me that he is the oldest in his class. But he isn't bothered by that. It is just a number he tells me.






A young girl draws a heart in the sand. Under it she writes her name and that of her real or hoped for boyfriend, joined by a plus. She is twelve years old but looks much older with makeup and adult clothes. She is intent in making her letters deep, hoping that they won't be erased by the rising tide.

A group of young girls walk along together whispering and giggling. Suddenly they break into loud squeals of delight as they see dolphins breaking the surface of the water. Their wide smiles reveal braces. For a few moments they forget their talk of hair and clothes and boys. One comes up to show me a shell that she found. It is perfectly formed.

The men children stand aloof, pretending disinterest. One is wearing a fedora that he said he bought today. Another boy comes up to ask me if he can help move the fenders from one side of the boat to the other as we prepare to dock. He tells me he knows how to tie a clove hitch from Boy Scouts. I get him to move the fenders. The other boys watch him but hang back in their coolness.

Between tours I meet with a sponsee. He tells me that he is starting to let go and feel less anxious about outcomes. He thinks that he is starting to feel the power of recovery working in his life. He sees that the promises are real.

Later in the day I go to the grocery store. I see an elderly couple walking out holding hands. I run into a fellow I know who has 24 years in recovery. He tells me that he has to go work on the dairy case because he has gotten a promotion. He is no longer stocking shelves but is the dairy case manager. He is pleased about this and his gratitude for a job is obvious.

These are just some of the people I interacted with today, yet they stuck in my mind. They reminded me of how many paths there are in life, how many chapters yet to be written. I briefly was in their life today. And they each touched mine.

Peace

I am enjoying this beautiful spring day. I went down to the boat for some quiet time. The hospital visit was made, the groceries bought, and all concerned appeared to be doing well.

I realize that a kind of reconstituting of self is needed during stressful times. One of the men I sponsor asked me what I was going to do for myself today. I knew that I would go to the boat if I had time.

I do believe that there are those who enjoy care taking. Having errands to run every day seems so easy. Yet, it is not. I have become accustomed to having free time. And lately I have longed for the care free days.



I am mindful of those who don't have the level of freedom that I do. Many are trapped with failing bodies, have family needs, work at demanding jobs. I know that my spirit craves freedom. So much of what brings joy and peace in my life is unscheduled time.

My sponsor has said I am a free spirit. And I think that I finally have become one. It has taken me years to feel free inside. At last, I realize how important it is to not stifle those feelings. I empathize with those who are trapped in body and spirit. I realize that how I spend my time now is about balance. I can do for others and yet not take over. I have a responsibility to make careful choices not just about my attitudes and approach to life, but how I spend my time. Choices and balance do bring peace.

Vernal

Spring has really sprung here.  In the two days that I was gone,  there is more green in a thousand hues.  I am glad to be back home.  Home is truly where the heart is. Travel was a nightmare, but all of that is over now.  What matters is being here today.

This is my wife's birthday.  She said that the greatest gift she has gotten on this birthday is recovery--both health wise and from alcoholism.  I am grateful for all that we have together.

Today we are going to have lunch, visit her mother and enjoy spending some time together.  I have my home group meeting tonight.  I know that I need a meeting and can tell when I haven't been to one for a few days.  I don't know what else the day will hold but am okay with whatever C. wants to do.  Birthdays are special.  I know that she is special in my heart.

I want to share some of what has blossomed and sprung out over the past few days.  It is a beautiful time in this place I call home. Here are a few photos of what spring has brought to the Lowcountry:

Hope that you have a good first day of spring.

Things I cannot control

I was supposed to fly home yesterday. Things (and people) beyond my control made me miss my flight. I was supposed to be given a ride to the airport when I finished my assignment but the ride did not show up. Another fellow offered to give me a ride and made a great effort to get me there so that I could make my flight.

I had a few moments of "poor me" when I realized that it would be nearly impossible for me to make my flight. I really wanted to get home and be with C. and to visit her dad and mom.

Amazingly enough, the fellow who drove me turned out to be a sailor so we spent the time going to the airport talking about boats and sailing. He and I have the same taste in boats, and he actually owned a smaller version of the sailboat that I have. That conversation eased my mind, took away anxiety and made me realize that missing a flight was not the end of the world. This is another reminder to me that I get what I need when I most need it if I open my heart and mind.

Even though my flight this AM has been cancelled, I am booked on a slightly later flight. I know that I will get home today. These are things beyond my control. I don't need to fret, be angry or despair. Every day I am grateful to have a recovery program that helps my spirit soar regardless of circumstances. The things I cannot control are so many. Trying to control them wastes my energy and solves nothing.

On my way

I am heading out of state this morning for a brief overnight trip. This is something that was scheduled a while ago and that I committed to. Yesterday I was thinking that this is not a good time to be leaving, if only for a day. But I think that all will be okay.

I made arrangements for a friend to help out at home. C. is doing really well. Yet it is good to know someone can help her if she needs it. Tomorrow I will be not reachable by cell phone for much of the day. I want to know that she will be looked in on during that time.

My in-laws are in dire straights. When I brought my father-in-law home from the hospital, I knew that they would be needing help. He is incredibly stubborn about these things. But his wife is infirm and not able to do all that is needed to be done as he regains his strength. She is rapidly getting to the point where she won't be able to cook. And I am concerned about his continuing to drive at his advanced age and poor health.

It is difficult getting old and realizing that now there is a dependence on others. I have a fear about that as well. What we hope to do is assist them to stay in their home as long as possible. So when I get back, we will have a discussion with them about how we can all work together to see how this can best be effected. We hope that they will agree to having some in home help. I have so little experience with influencing what elderly people can do. I don't want to control the situation but at some point a situation becomes unsafe. I know that their health is now a worry for C. And at the moment she doesn't need to stress and worry. I also know that we can get through these difficult times together.
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Sadly, I just learned from C. that her dad is back in the hospital. He needs to be rehydrated. I am feeling sad to not be there for them. Hopefully, I will get out of here tomorrow. Requesting your positive energy. Thank you.

New Day

Today is a new day and a much better one than yesterday.  I appreciate the comments that you gave.  It helped me to realize that no matter how bad things may seem today,  I have a chance to start over at any time.  And that is what happened.

Today I found out that my father-in-law is well enough to be discharged tomorrow.  I visited him last night which made me realize how much I love the old guy.  It hurt my heart to see him so weak and wanting to be home.  But today he was much improved and will be going home.

And with that good news, my mother-in-law's spirits are lifted.  After being married for so long, they are joined at the hip and the heart.  They have grown old together, experiencing the joys and the sadness of a lifetime.  That is something that I think about more and more: the comfort of being together for so long.  But with that comfort comes the sorrow of knowing that one day the pair bond will be broken by death.  That is part of the risk of loving for so long and so deeply.

I found that in the midst of all the stress that attenuated yesterday, I could feel my body reacting as well as my mind.  My muscles were tight, my head felt achy, and my emotions were raw.  I could feel how the anxiety was affecting my energy.  I was bone tired but could not sleep until I had gone to the hospital and then checked in on my mother-in-law who was alone.  After that, I simply crashed and slept soundly until 8 AM this morning. 

I am not afraid of feeling sad and fearful when someone I love is threatened.  Thankfully, I am okay with grieving and expressing how I feel.  Today,  I paused, took a nap, went to the boat, attended the electronics class, and had a couple of good meals.   It was a busy day but throughout it,  I felt calm and relaxed.  I had gotten back into the groove of acceptance and had seen fear and anxiety leave.  What a difference a day makes. 

Unrest

Bear with me today as I feel as if I have taken several steps backwards in recovery and have lost my serenity. I am in full HALT mode. Here are some of the things that contributed to a feeling of anxiety this morning.

1. My father-in-law is in intensive care. He was taken there yesterday morning. My mother-in-law is leaning on me heavily to care take of her and him. I am feeling overwhelmed.

2. My relationship with a good friend is strained because he is telling me what to do on my boat. He has also asked to borrow money because he has not worked in a year. I am feeling resentful.

3. I feel as if others expect me to take responsibility for their problems because that is what I have always done. I realize that carrying their burdens is weighing me down.

4. One of my Al-Anon meetings may suffer the consequences of the bad behavior by a group of AA's who, in spite of dire warnings by the church and neighbors, persist in exhibiting barroom behavior after their meeting.

5. I am exhausted from staying up too late and getting up too early. Late evening is the only time lately that I have felt that I have any time to myself.

Because recovery tells me to focus on solutions and not problems here is what I am going to do. I realize that the day may have started badly but it doesn't have to end that way.

1. I choose to take time to focus on gratitude and those things that are good about today. I can wallow in some self-pity for a few minutes but not adopt it as my thinking for the day. I am in good health and not elderly and in need of assistance. I know that both my wife and FIL are getting better. They will be okay and their health will improve. My MIL is simply fearful about the loss of her husband of 50+ years. I can reassure and help her without having to care take.

2. I can set boundaries with my friend and stick to them. I don't need to fear the loss of friendship because if I truly believe in turning my will and life over to a Higher Power , then all will be okay. I realize that my friend is not my HP.  He has to find his own way as each of us do.

3. When I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, then I need to consider taking first things first.  I can do those things that are necessary and not what others expect me to do to fulfill their needs. I don't have to do for others what they can so for themselves.  Learning to say No is valuable and doesn't diminish who I am.  If I need assistance, I can ask friends to help me out.  Asking for what I need also doesn't diminish who I am.

4. Al-Anon will be okay and if there is a problem with our staying at the location, we can ask to meet with the rector and choose a different time for our meeting when it does not coincide with AA.  I do not have to solve this problem for others.

5. I can find some other time in the day to meditate and have solitude. I can set a reasonable time to go to bed and to get up. I don't have to try to cram so much into a day.  Easy does it.

Whew. I feel better for having written this. I met with a sponsee this morning which also helped. I realize that I can focus on the solution and get to a good place.

No coincidence

Friday was the anniversary of my father's death.  I didn't realize it until yesterday, thinking erroneously that he died on March 12.  For some reason I didn't sleep well Friday night.  I tossed and turned. Coincidence? Probably not.  Thinking about his death today reminded me of how restless I was on the right before he died.  Even though it has been a number of years since he died, my memory of those events are still so strong. 

I had been out of town at a meeting for the weekend.  On Sunday evening, I was tired from the drive back and the time spent at the meeting.  I knew that he had been operated on for prostate cancer.  But that seemed to be in remission following the operation.  I thought that he seemed in relatively good health, although he did suffer from COPD after years of smoking a pipe.

As I was lying in bed, I had a restlessness that persisted. I was thinking of my father and had this urge to go to see him.  My wife said that it wasn’t necessary and tried to discourage me from going, saying that I could see him tomorrow.  But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to go see him right then. So  I put on my clothes and called my parents and went over to see them. 

I talked with my father that evening,  and he told me that he wasn’t feeling too bad, a bit nauseous and aching some.  He talked about his mother whose picture was up on the wall.  She had died in her sleep, and he said that he would like to go like that as well--quickly and without any illness. He seemed okay, but there was still this feeling of dread that I had.  I couldn't understand why he was talking about the death of his mother.  As he sat in the old rocking chair, talking to me, he seemed sad.

Eventually, he told me to go home and get some sleep.  He also told me to be good to my wife and treat her well.  Those were his parting words. That was the last time that I saw him alive. I received a call at work the next morning from my mother saying that he had taken a nap after breakfast and died in his sleep. It was a devastating time for me.  And the feeling kept coming back that I was somehow meant to be there the night before--that it was not a coincidence. I also had a feeling that he perhaps knew that death was imminent.

I have heard that a coincidence is God remaining anonymous.  I believe that with the death of my father I was guided to be there with him the night before he died.  For me, it brought a sense of relief that I was there and had a good conversation with him.  It brought a type of closure that I came to understand many years later. It didn't lessen my grief, but it did make me realize that there is such a strong bond that connects us with those we love. And there is much that is unexplainable in the process of how we pass out of this life. 

Busy times

Well, I feel as if I have been away from the blogging mindset for a bit. In fact, I have been busy doing other things. Gardening has been one of the preoccupations. Now that spring has sprung here, the fever to get things planted has begun. So far, the garden is tilled, the beds are weeded and the potatoes are planted.  More will be revealed as the plants from the cold frame and greenhouse go into the ground.

I have also been able to get away to work on the boat.  C. is recovering nicely, walking to and from the mail box which is a bit of a walk on the property, and has been walking a couple of the dogs.  She is fixing herself some soup and sandwiches too.  All of these indicate that she is mending well, although she still has to sleep in the leather recliner because of discomfort when lying prone. 

Because of her mobility about,  I have gone to the boat for several days in a row to check on things, do some painting on the binnacle post, and a few other odds and ends.  Today the weather is pretty enough to get some varnishing done.  The morning was chilly, but it is warming to the 70's this afternoon.  Perfect weather to be outside. 

I have also been taking a marine communications class that is one of the most boring classes I have ever had.  It is being taught by an engineer who wrote the text book.  I want to know how to work the single-side band radio, but we are learning about what is in the "black box",  all the functions of the transmitter and receiver and a lot of Hz information.  I am listening and reading, but don't see much practical information coming out of this so far.  The most interesting lecture was when we had different scenarios and had to respond on the VHF radio.  There were lots of laughs over that.  However, listening to real Mayday calls was sobering, especially those in which the boat was sinking. 

I have been thinking a lot about sinking as I watched the terrible aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami yesterday.  What a powerful thing the ocean is.  I sincerely feel for those who are in need.  It is difficult to comprehend how one day all can be going along okay, and the next leaves a person questioning how to survive.  Uncertainty is what we have in so many aspects of living.  Yet, I am certain that the human will to survive will prevail. 

Well, I am off to run some errands and then head to the boat.  Hope that your Saturday is going well.

More than one way....

As usual, The Walking Man made a thought provoking comment on my last post.  Here is some of what he said:
I tried the AA way and what I found in every single meeting I ever went to was a clique that if you hadn't been a part of it for a few years at least, you were ignored, no one came up to me and told me about the "how this thing of ours works." Maybe I wasn't wearing the right clothes or didn't know the secret handshake. So I personally have no respect for AA but I do not condemn it either because for some it is their religion. their way to salvation. 

I can't address the cliques in AA, but would like to write about whether recovery programs like AA and Al-Anon are the only way.   For some, like me, Al-Anon is a salvation.  I tried therapy, and it didn't bring home the message to me like Al-Anon has. Yet, I do recognize that there are other ways to deal with alcoholism.

Sometimes there is confusion expressed in meetings about not drinking versus recovery. These are two separate issues for me.  Being sober is but a step in managing the disease.  It stops the physical deterioration that alcoholism brings. Sobriety in and of itself is a huge step, but the disease is in the thinking and actions of the alcoholic and those of us who are around them.  There are those that I know who go to meetings and have 20 + years sober, yet the diseased thinking and "isms" are still there.

What is equally important is learning a new way of living and thinking.  That is what I believe the 12 step recovery programs provide. Al-Anon is working for me because I wanted to change my behavior: the anger, the fear, the judging, the nagging.  I did not feel happy but desperately wanted to change. Until a person is ready for that, I don't think that change will happen.

I believe that AA and the Big Book state that if you can find another way,  then that's fine.  But for those who are "beyond human aid",  then going "cold turkey", toughing it out, and having a will of steel to make it so may not be enough.  The spiritual solution is what many have found to be the solution for them.

Even though I am not in AA, I have been to enough open meetings to hear that many have tried all kinds of ways to stop the disease: religion, family, relationships, sex, drugs, etc.  But what I hear in meetings is that it wasn't until they reached that utter surrender to a deathly bottom did they finally give in and give up to the God of their understanding.  At that time, they were willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety, serenity and sanity.

It is a cunning, baffling and powerful thing. And maybe for those who are spiritually sick,  12 step recovery programs such as AA and Al-Anon are a starting point to address the low self-esteem, behavioral and coping problems that alcoholism brings.  No matter what, I believe that the individual has to give in to the process whether it is Al-Anon, AA  or "Sober Valley Lodge".  If something works to bring about the peace and serenity in your life, then stick with it. 

I think that a great part of 12 step recovery is helping others.  By doing so,  I help myself.  What is of most importance is that if works for the one person choosing to work it for one day at a time with one reason in mind, then that is incredible. 

For me, Al-Anon has helped me to find friends,  have a bigger "family",  get acceptance, understand humility, lose fear, and share experience, strength and hope.   I have not received this from any other entity that I have been involved in before or since coming into recovery myself. 

For sure, there are other programs that work. There are other ways that work. When I think about how many people are affected by alcoholism, it is staggering. I have heard that for every one alcoholic, there are 10 who are affected by the disease.  Where are these people?  Maybe they are toughing it out like I did for decades. Maybe they have found a solution in couches and pills some of which will point a hurting person into the doors of AA and Al-Anon and some that will just give the pain another appointment and another bill.  Maybe they write, paint, exercise, cook or have some other passion that is fulfilling.  It is our choice to investigate and discern what is right for each of us.

Each person has to find a path to recovery.  To say that it's the AA way or nothing, or the Al-Anon way or nothing is unfair.   I remain open minded about opinions here.  I do have my own but defend the right of others to express theirs.  Thus, I don't condemn or put down others who choose a different way.  All I can do is share what has worked for me. We all wander in this life. All I am doing is shining a little bit of light that I have. If it helps, I am glad.

Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful Part 3

The final part of Laura's email about her friend Daria. 


October 2008

Daria's husband Don had her move out in October of 2008. He couldn't cope any more and from her description, the fights were getting more out of control. He had a restraining order put on her so she moved into my sister Karen's house. I certainly could not and do not blame him for throwing her out of the house. She was apparently violent when she was drunk and it was getting worse. We could hardly credit Don's description because she seemed so gentle when we saw her. However we could see that she was spiraling out of control and we still prayed constantly for a miracle. Her obsession with Alice continued to the point that my brother in law insisted that she could not talk about Alice any more. Hearing her rant about Alice was disturbing because it showed her complete deflection of anything concerning her own behavior.

It also came to light at that time that several times she passed out drunk and her son Mike escaped the house and ran down the street. She was lucky he wasn't hit by a car because he is not an average child who could be expected to understand about traffic. It also happened at least once during vacation so she could not be trusted with him.

February 2009

Daria had gotten her own apartment and that just seemed to feed her illness. She had pulled away from all of us so we saw her rarely. One night I got a call from her brother in law who is a doctor in Montana. He said that Daria would go to the hospital to get fluids. 

I went over to her house, but when I got there she refused to come to the door and unlock it. My sister Karen came over because she had a key to the door, but did not have a key to the deadbolt. Daria refused to come to the door at first, but after much cajoling we got her to come. It was pathetic. She opened the door and then staggered back to where she had been lying. She literally was lying down in her dog's bed curled into a fetal position. 

We finally got her into the car and over to the hospital. I stayed all night at the hospital and finally she was committed. They had to do it against her will, but it was necessary because she was a danger to herself.  Daria's requirement was that she wouldn't go to the hospital unless we took care of her dog Smoky. We had an extremely old Labrador, Darling, who did not get along with other dogs. The day before this happened, Darling lost her battle with her age and we had to put her down. Because of this, we were able to take care of Smoky and were able to get Daria into the hospital.

I picked Daria up from the hospital and continued to tell her the truth. The doctor said she was dying. We were all telling her that she was dying from her alcohol consumption, but she still refused to acknowledge it. She pretty much broke off contact with us which meant she was drinking heavily and didn't want us to know.

March 2009

Daria was jailed. I'm still not sure of the reasons, I believe it was violating the restraining order.  So for the first time in a few years, Daria was forcibly sober.

Daria called from jail and said that everyone was picking on her.  Nothing was her fault. I tried to talk to her and show her that people were trying to help.  I told her that she was near death. I sent her two letters. The first that laid out the cold hard facts about her alcoholism and the fact that none of us expected her to see her next birthday. The second telling her that she could beat the alcohol if she had a spiritual awakening. She didn't want to hear any of it.

Talking with her was really a chore at this point. Whenever I talked to her, everything was someone else's fault or it was due to pressure, or something else. It was never that she was drinking herself to death. Even when you pointed out how events related to her excessive consumption of alcohol, it didn't matter. She still didn't believe it.

Unfortunately, they released Daria after her hearing. I knew it was a death sentence for her, but they obviously cannot jail you without good cause. I knew at that point she was going to die. I hadn't seen anything that showed that she comprehended what was happening. You can't choose to be sober when you still don't admit that you're drinking.

My sister Karen who is the gentlest of souls sat down with Daria and told her she could have nothing more to do with her. Karen didn't expect her to live until April and wasn't going to stand around watching Daria kill herself.

Summer 2009

My brother in law and I went over to Daria's house to try and get her to eat. Rob is wonderful at coaxing people so he was at least trying to get food into her system. She was staggering drunk but of course denied it. I opened her kitchen cupboards and saw many bottles of opened wine there. I told her since she wasn't drinking I'd get rid of all the alcohol for her. She got furious and started yelling that we had to leave the house. She said she was going to call the police on us if we didn't leave immediately. Rob and I left.

January 2010

Daria was driving with a friend and was hit broadside at an intersection by a young man who ran a red light. She had blackened eyes and hit her head pretty badly but didn't go to the hospital. Her family finally convinced her to go to the ER to get stitches and have her wound cleaned. It seemed like she was going to be fine, but the delicate state of her liver proved otherwise.

February 2010

I get a message from Daria's sister that Daria has been put into intensive care. Apparently her liver was damaged in the car accident and was shutting down. Daria was not expected to survive more than 30 days. Daria was still in denial about it.

Daria was put on the liver transplant list and sent home to wait for a liver. Seeing her was terrifying. Her stomach was bloated to 3 times its normal size and her color was orange-yellow. She couldn't eat much so we took turns going over to her house to bring her food and help her. 

March 2010

Daria was re-admitted into the hospital. She was bleeding in her esophagus and underwent surgery to stop the bleeding. We were told that she would not make it through the night on March 13. I was in town already for one of my daughter's concerts so my husband just dropped me at the hospital to sit in vigil. Surprisingly, she survived that night, but the end was near.

My sister, Karen,  came to see Daria and did not recognize her. There is nothing to prepare you for the sight of someone dying of liver failure even if it is described to you. Their eyes take on a bright yellow color that outshines a highlighter yellow. It appears that if you shut off the lights, you could still see those horrible eyes. They no longer look human. Their stomach is hugely bloated, almost as if they are pregnant, and their limbs are emaciated. Their face shape is distorted because at this point, their kidneys are also failing so they are puffy. The color of the skin is also more of an orange-yellow than anything you would subscribe as a normal skin color.

As expected, Daria died on March 23, 2010, just two weeks before her 49^th birthday. In the end it was a mercy. For reasons I cannot understand she was completely unable to fight the alcoholism. No amount of praying or tough love made any difference at all. We had one more year after her being jailed so it was one more than we expected. 

She has left a huge hole in the life of her son. He will not remember his mother, but maybe that is better because of what the alcohol had done to her. We can recount to him the best parts of her. That she loved him even though she was very ill. She was a wonderful cook and entertainer. She loved people. All of that but she still didn't love us enough to stop, so my only conclusion was she couldn't. It is hard to believe it was a couldn't versus a wouldn't. But that is the only way I can work myself into forgiveness. She had all the help anyone could require. She just wasn't able to choose sobriety. I don't know why.  

As to those of us left behind we all struggle with anger as well as sorrow. I cannot fathom why she couldn't love her son enough to stop drinking when she was pregnant. She wanted a baby so badly, what could possibly make her drink throughout her pregnancy? She was a pharmaceutical representative so who knew better the effects of drugs and alcohol on a fetus? When she was in treatment for months and months, why couldn't she decide to stay sober? Why give up after just a couple of days after leaving treatment? Did she want to kill herself because of guilt over her son? I don't know. Couldn't she love us enough to stop? She adored her dog, why couldn't she stop for him? 

She turned from a wonderful person to a lying manipulator who didn't care about anyone else before she died. My sister Karen summed it up  “I think we're here only out of pity at this point. She hasn't been a friend to us for a long time. She has lied to us, thrown us out of her house, cursed and screamed at us when we were trying to help. She is no friend.” I think the only way I can reconcile this is that at the end, we were no longer talking to our friend that we loved so dearly. We were talking to a disease. A disease that had completely taken over our friend to the point where we couldn't find her in there anywhere.

The only good part is that everyone who loved her has a clean conscience. We all tried to help her. We all tried to save her. Her husband did everything in his power to get her the appropriate treatment. He lived with her as long as he could stand it. He still tried to allow her into their son's life even when she proved to be very unstable and undeserving of any such consideration. Her sister and father tried to talk sense to her, and offered whatever support that they could. All of the friends who lasted to the end did everything that they could to try and help her. There was no avenue that had not been tried to assist her. None of it worked because in the end she would not or could not choose sobriety. 

 I appreciate that Laura has shared this story.  I don't think that there is anything that families can do for  those who refuse to help themselves by reaching out and desiring to get sober.  No one has to go it alone with alcoholism. There are recovery groups for the families and for the alcoholics. 

I truly believe that learning to detach with love is one of the most important lessons in Al-Anon.  There are so many sad stories like this that I hear at meetings. Eventually though, family members who get a sponsor and work the steps find that it is possible to cope with a loved one's alcoholism.  Tears are replaced with laughter and anger replaced with compassion.  Find a meeting, make a start at recovery and keep going back. It does work.

Cunning, baffling and powerful Part 2

Here is more of what Laura R. wrote about her friend's alcoholism:

2000-2001 – Daria fell in love with  Don, a doctor that she had met through her work. She arranged for a wedding in Hawaii because she had grown up there. She found out she was pregnant before the wedding and was ecstatic.

Mike was born in November of 2001. He was a beautiful baby and she adored him. She just wanted to be a full time Mom and it seemed perfect. My nephew is a month apart in age and we noticed from the start that Mike wasn't relating to people quite as well as my nephew. He did not look us in the eyes and would avoid the normal contact of people cooing to him. We found out later that she had been drinking throughout her pregnancy. Mike ultimately ended up having autism.  Daria's sister confirmed that Mike has fetal alcohol syndrome which he will carry for the rest of his life. His wonderful father, who adores him, will need to make provisions for Mike for the rest of his life because this innocent baby was saddled with an avoidable disability.

Fall 2005 - Don told us that Daria was going into treatment for alcoholism at a rehab center and that she would do it as an in-patient. She was there for a couple of months. She said that they had done some blood work on her and her liver was failing from the alcohol so she needed to seek treatment. Fortunately, Don's niece Maria lived with them and helped out significantly with Mike.

One strange symptom that appeared around this time was her obsession with her step daughter. Everything that had gone wrong in her marriage was Alice's fault. Any teenager can be difficult, especially with step-parents, but how could a child cause every problem ever conceived. We all tried to talk sense to her, but she could not get past her obsession.

Spring 2006 – We caught our oldest son (16 years old) drinking and were furious with him. Daria was his confirmation sponsor and offered to talk to him about alcohol. She told him she started drinking heavily at his age so he needed to stop and think about what he was doing. 

The bizarre part was two days later she called me in hysterics and said she needed to speak with Alex. She said that he had betrayed her because her step-daughter Alice made a comment about Daria being an alcoholic. Alex swore he didn't say anything, and quite frankly I believe him. Alice would have to be blind and stupid not to notice that her step-mom was an alcoholic. The fact that Daria believed that Alice had missed the drunken rages at home was fairly ridiculous.

Fall 2006 – Daria was put into a treatment program again but this time for almost a full year. She didn't make it a week out of treatment the last time and so needed long term help. We wrote to her while she was there and she insisted she was really going to try and fix it with all the hard work she was doing at the center. We found out later that again within a week or two out of treatment she was back drinking.

May 2008 - I had a profound conversion experience in my Catholic life, and during this time I had a disturbing event with Daria. I had a business meeting and as I was driving home, I thought I would stop at the church to pray.  I walked inside the church, knelt down and began to pray. Almost as soon as I bowed my head, I had a very strong urge to call Daria. I promised that I would call her as soon as I was done praying. I got the urge again and I repeated my promise that as soon as I was done praying I would call her. Then I got a strong impression that “delayed obedience is no obedience at all”, so I stopped praying and left the church. 

I called Daria at home but there was no answer. I decided to go home and wait by the phone. Strangely enough, my youngest daughter had a tooth crack and we had an appointment with the dentist to pull the tooth. It was scheduled that day. Fortunately, before Daria called back the dentist called because an earlier appointment had opened up for my daughter. 


Daria called back right after that call. We started by talking about general things and then I told her what was bothering me. I told her that God knew her suffering and that he loved her and no matter what happened he would still love her. I told her how beautiful she was inside and out and that she did not have to live the way she was living. She started crying and saying that she no longer wanted to live that way and could I please come over. I told her that as soon as Anastasia had her tooth pulled we'd come straight up to her house. 

If I had realized what I would find when we arrived, I would never have taken poor Anastasia. When we arrived at the house Daria was staggering drunk and weeping. I tried to talk to her, but she ended up in my arms on the floor of the house talking about taking care of her son after she was gone. Her talk was suicidal so I called my sister Patricia who is a nurse to find out what to do. She told me I was to call an ambulance immediately because it wasn't safe to try to transport Daria to the hospital. So I called 911 and an ambulance was there quickly. Daria was admitted for observation and treatment. I had great hopes that she would come back sober,  but it was not to be. Looking back, I'm glad I was naïve because a sliver of hope helped all of us continue to try and help her.

She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital near our home and I remember visiting her there on Mother's day. Her husband visited as well with Mike and everyone tried to put a good face on it.

The last segment will be posted tomorrow.

Cunning, baffling and powerful

Laura R. sent me an email and wanted to share her experience with the loss of a dear friend who died from alcoholism.  I have known quite a few people who have died from alcoholism, including my father's sister and her daughter.  I thought that I would post this in several segments.  I did some editing of this but the gist of what Laura wrote is here:

I'm not usually a writer, but I hope that by writing my memories of my dear friend's battle with alcoholism, it might give others an understanding of the seriousness of the disease and that even with the best treatment and prayer support, the alcoholic may not be able to fight off the disease. If this happens, it runs its inevitable and horrible course. Although in her deepest heart, she was a lovely person, she has left behind destruction and pain for her family and friends. 

My prayer is that someone will read this and think, “that could be me” and stop their destructive behavior. The pain left by the progression of alcoholism is severe. The people hurt both physically and emotionally is tremendous. I do believe that alcoholism is a disease, but unlike cancer or other illnesses, it can be managed by a choice. Not an easy choice if you are predisposed to addiction, but in the end, a choice. Please make that choice. For your family, for your friends, for anyone or anything that you love, make that choice.

I have changed all the names here because I would not want her family to be pained in any fashion with my recounting of this sad story. They have suffered enough over the years without me contributing to their anguish.

Good beginnings

I distinctly remember meeting Daria in the summer of 1991.  A good friend of ours, Carl, had met her at a college reunion event. It turned out that she was moving to Maryland and so was very happy to meet someone who could show her around the area. Carl had a crush on her because she was so lively and beautiful so he offered to help her out.  She came over to my house where my first husband and I lived and I remember being so impressed with her. She seemed to be everything I am not. She was very outgoing, tall and slender with reddish hair. You couldn't help but like her immediately. She was beautiful in every sense of the word. She cooked for us during the first few times we met and was an absolutely amazing cook. She could make anything taste like a gourmet dinner.  I had no idea at the time she would become like a third sister to me and the rest of my family.

Flash ahead a couple of years and my first marriage fell apart. My parents were living in Australia and my oldest sister had been living in their house. She and my brother in law wanted to buy a house next door to my parents so it was fortuitous that I needed a place to live and my parent's house was available. Daria also needed a place to stay so it was decided that she would move into the house with me and my son. 

I may have been an innocent but even after thinking about it, I had no idea she had a drinking problem even though we were living in the same house. I'm not suspicious by nature, and our schedules were quite different so wherever she hid the alcohol, I never found any. We would have social events where everyone drank, but I can't say I ever noticed that she drank more than everyone else or was staggering drunk. 

She was working as a pharmaceutical representative and took many classes and exams to make sure she was qualified. She seemed extremely good at her job and I thought everything was going well with her. She had a parade of boyfriends because she was so beautiful and outgoing but none were very serious until Sam.

Daria met Sam and they seemed well suited to each other. He was outgoing and  fun to be around. He had a beautiful daughter named Katie. Daria and Sam were both athletic and enjoyed biking. Sam and Daria moved in together and seemed fine. The only odd thing that happened in that period was that Daria was cited for child abandonment because she left Katie in the house to go running and Katie called her mother. Daria thought it was ridiculous that she got a citation for that, but I personally thought it was odd to leave a young child alone without supervision. Other than that, they seemed fine, but eventually broke it off. 

This was when Daria began to tell us how much she just wanted to settle down and have children. She was a natural nurturer so we were all sure that she would make a wonderful mother as soon as she found a husband. You could see the longing in her eyes when she saw other people with babies and we believed it was just a matter of time until she found someone with whom to build a family.

Winter 1995

My husband and I were newly married and had been invited to go out to Park City, Utah with Daria to visit with her father and his wife. Daria's mother had died years before when she was a young adult. Her mother died of breast cancer, but from Daria's recounting of her death, her mother suffered from manic depression and had been mentally ill for quite a large part of Daria's life. It was very sad, and although Daria could talk about parts of it with humor, the deeply painful loss of her mother was a constant reality.  Fortunately, Daria really liked her step mother, Carol, and was very happy that we were going to see her father. 

This was the first time I had an inkling that something could be wrong. Whenever she talked to her father, she talked like a young child instead of an adult. Her entire body language would change and she related to him in a very odd way. 

I brought up to her step mom that Daria was very different out in Utah than she was at home. She was confident and mature in Maryland, but on this trip she behaved differently. Her step mom asked if I noticed Daria had a drinking problem. I was floored. I said I hadn't noticed at all. Her step mom said they were worried because they noticed that she had liquor in her coffee cup and that she was relating to her father in a very odd fashion. She had visited them some months earlier and actually baby talked when she would talk to her father. I was a bit alarmed, but believed because she functioned so well in Maryland, that she would get through it.

I will post the next part of Laura's story tomorrow.  

Healing

Things are going well. After only a few days, C. is showering, eating fruit and soup, and walking about. Her determination is remarkable.

This morning I made a big pot of chicken noodle soup. I figure that will be a good hearty food. I also made a big fruit bowl which she seems to like. I enjoy cooking and what she wants to eat is easy to fix.

I know that whenever I think things may be sad or discouraging, I will hear something that will truly make me realize how good my life is. A friend in the program lost her 19 year old son to an overdose this week. What insanity that someone so young is gone. How does one wrap their head around that?

I have heard that we are to live life on life's terms. I think that if I have a strong program, I can get through what life has to offer. It may hurt like hell, and I may feel like I am the one dying, but I can survive if I choose to remember that the pain will lessen.

Yesterday I felt happier. I went to the boat for a few hours. Last night though, as night came on, I could feel dread coming on. So we watched a movie, The Bucket List, which reminded me that I have things yet to be done. It was a good movie to reflect on.

And today is another good day. The sun is out. The dogs are napping, and I am going to join them soon. Happy Saturday to you.

Home again

C. is now home.  She walked up the lane from the mailbox.  For most of the day she has dozed.  She has eaten very little and has little appetite.  But she is getting up on her own, resting in a comfortable chair and has on her favorite bath robe.  I know that she will be okay.  She will have to be especially careful for the next six weeks--no driving, mild exercise, good diet, no lifting, and cardiac rehab.

As for me, I have been hovering.  I have to stop doing that because it not only doesn't help her, but it readily makes me crazy.  I realize that I am not wanting to be a caretaker, yet I feel as if I need to be doing something.  I have the medications organized.  I have cooked dinner.  I took care of the dogs.  I am sleeping on the couch tonight to be near her in case she needs something.  That is all I can do.  I cannot make her well any sooner.  But I surely can make myself crazy.

Tomorrow I am going to go to my boat for a few hours.  Her parents are coming over to visit.  They don't drive after dark and are not early risers any more.  But they will be able to stay for a few hours to allow me to go to the marina.  I am hoping for a break for a few hours each day.  I consider this to be essential to my own mental health.  I need a certain amount of time to myself, time in the outdoors,  and time to be free of routine. 

For a while this afternoon,  I felt totally at a loss. I felt as if I wanted to flee. The whole idea of care taking seemed overwhelming. Then I thought about how grateful I am that I am healthy and my wife is alive.  Not that many years ago,  she would be dead.  Instead she is mending and is doing well.  That is enough to get me over myself and my self pity.  It will be one day at a time.  I can do that.

Flowing

There is guidance for each of us and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word. Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday was a rough day.  I went to the hospital to visit.  C. was tired and irritable.  There had been a number of visitors and she simply wanted to sleep.  I could feel a bit of rejection coming up as I wanted her to be happy to see me.  I knew that she was tired and that it isn't about me.

A few minutes ago, she called to tell me that she may be discharged.  Instead of being happy, I felt a sense of dread as I came to the realization that I did not want to be a caretaker for 24/7. I know how selfish that seems and unrealistic as well.  She is getting stronger every day, and the doctors want her to get up and walk.  Getting out of the hospital will be good for her.  I know these things, so why the feeling of dread?

At the meeting last night, we talked about letting go. In the midst of difficult times, it is important to recognize that trust and faith will carry me through.  I really have nothing to fear.  A disruption to the normal flow of our lives is not something that will be permanent.

Today I want to be like flowing water.  I want to go with the current and not fight it.  I want to flow around the disruptions and not let them impede me.  I see this process as acceptance, letting go of resistance, and shedding the illusion of control.  I need to get over my own fears of not being enough.  If I go with the flow, then I will be as close as possible to the channel in which my life flows.  All will be as it is intended.