The time is now

I am back from a 24 hour sail. What a crazy person I am to be so dead tired and to think that going without sleep and being physically exhausted is good. Yet, even though I swore this morning that I would not do something so grueling again, this evening I am thinking of the next adventure.

I am glad that my career as a scientist and being on research vessels prepared me for being on the water at night. The big swells and the swoosh of the waves beneath the hull is both scary and exhilarating. It felt almost hypnotic at times. And it took quite a while to get where I was headed.

Sailing isn't for those who have to be some where in a hurry! This isn't a sleek racing boat but a heavy full keel solid cruiser. She is made for coastal and blue water sailing. I felt really secure with her as we made our way back home. There certainly was a lot of time to think! I was grateful to watch the crescent moon rise this morning and see the sun rise as I made my approach to the sea buoy. It was a comfort to have the dawn come and to be nearly home.



Last night, I thought about all those things that I wanted to do or be when I grew up. Do you remember those times when you were young and would say that there was plenty of time to do this or that? I can remember thinking that there would be time to hike or cycle across the country, time to have children, time to accomplish great things, time to feel happy and live filled with joy. Some of those things have come true for me, while others were the dreams of a young person who thought there would be plenty of time to get around to fulfilling the dreams. These days I realize that the time is here to make the dreams happen. There may very well be lots of time left, but I am not planning on what I am going to do in 20 years. I simply am doing and living life as if the next 20 years won't come.

But tonight it is good to be home. I missed my sweet heart, the animals, and the land. It was nice to be in a new town for a week, to meet some great people, get to some new meetings, and sail there and back. But nothing beats being home. I was ready to get back.

And with that I am going to close my eyes and get some much needed rest in a bed that will not be swaying, except in my imagination.

The Family Afterward

I went to an AA meeting last night where I listened to a Big Book study of Chapter 9 "The Family Afterward". What an appropriate topic for an Al-Anoner to walk into! It was interesting to listen to the shares about the damage done to families and how the wrongs were being righted by all through love and compassion.

Here are some passages that resonated with me:
"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us," Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill."

How true that is. My own "neurotic" and crazy behavior was what made me finally see that I needed Al-Anon. Sadly, there are so many who go it alone, trying to make sense of an insane life affected by alcoholism. I hope that one day they will realize that there is hope and help.

Al-Anon was mentioned by a couple of people in the meeting. One fellow said that his sister needed the program. He asked for my number saying that he would ask her to call me. She left a message last night which is good. Tonight is an Al-Anon meeting that I am going to attend. Perhaps she will also attend.

As I was reading this chapter, I thought that Lois Wilson must have given some input. I read in one of the books that Lois wanted to write this chapter and the one "To the Wives". She certainly had lived with the pitfalls that families encounter once the drinking stops. Selfishness and self-centeredness may affect all the members of the family as might the harboring of resentments and being critical or impatient (122:6-13). Ill-considered revelatations of past love affairs may damage a marraige (124:11-125:3). Gossip and harsh criticism are to be avoided (125:6-11). Extremes of enthusiasm such as single-minded pursuit of financial success or speaking of nothing else but the new spiritual way of life will hamper the repair of home life (125:12-126:12). The alcoholic's values and priorities may continue to be out of balance for some time (129:4-7). The re-establishing of family and relationship roles places a burden on many households where the non-alcoholic spouse has been forced to assume sole responsibility for the functioning of the family.

What I heard in this meeting is that there is a desire to get closer to those who are most loved, yet been harmed. One fellow shared that love is what he was seeking. He is learning from his mistakes and those of others to avoid many of the pitfalls that are common to families in early recovery. He had hope that if he practiced the principles, he would stand the greatest chance of a happy home life. I hope that his family also will get some help in order to be willing to admit their wrongs and make amends.

And finally, this struck me: "We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not... the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." I believe that I do owe something to others--to tell them that it is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Pink houses

Today I felt a bit sad. I am missing home, my C., and the animals. I tend to get this way when I am away from home for several days. I thought about how I am making these memories right now and that, one day, I will look back on this time with happiness.

I know that having someone to share these good times with makes them more precious. I think that is what made me feel a bit sad. And as one thought led to another, I wished that my parents were still alive. My mother's birthday will be here in a few days. She would have enjoyed the beauty here. It seems so long that they have been dead.

Maybe we all think about our parents from time to time, either missing them or wishing that they could have been different, more loving, more tolerant. Maybe we feel the same way about every person we have been exceptionally close to. I know that I have a great capacity to love. And some days, my heart overflows with it. That is what I am feeling today. I want to slow time down so that life does't rush past. I want to savor every sight and taste it.









I have seen a lot of beautiful houses in this town. The house from the Big Chill is here. There is a wall up around it now, probably to keep curious tourists out. Hearing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" at the funeral did send a big chill through me. It is one of those songs that is sheer genius.

I photographed a lot of houses today. There are quite a few pink houses around. These aren't like the ones John Mellincamp wrote about in his song. They are multi-million dollar homes, and I doubt that there is a woman serving up slop in the kitchen. I listened to that song tonight, wondering about how disparate our pink houses are--one man's flotsam is another's jetsam. One may have it just as good in a small house with a busy road out front as a person in a mansion behind a wall. I have learned that having a lot of material things doesn't make happiness.

I will be here for a couple more days. There are small craft warnings offshore. Tomorrow I will do more walking about, go to a meeting, and visit the public library. My walk about today was to the grocery store and to photograph homes.

I am sure that the sad feeling will pass. Even those feelings are okay. I am tender at the moment. Too much beauty does that to me.

Walking man

Today, I spent a lot of time walking around town. I had a good breakfast in a small cafe, enjoying my first time off the boat in two days. Amazingly, I didn't have wobbly land legs.


Art galleries line the main street, so I had a good time looking at local art. This is quite an artsy place. Tomorrow I will be going to some used book stores, one of my favorite things to do.


The waterfront park is beautiful. Swings, benches, statues, flower beds, and a pavilion line brick walkways along the waterfront. I really like the ambiance of a small town, and this one is so appealing.


I have checked out the schedule for Al-Anon and will go to a meeting on Thursday. It is within walking distance. I am going to an open AA meeting tonight, having found a club house near the marina. The walk to the AA meeting goes past many old mansions along an avenue of live oaks draped with Spanish moss.


I am planning to head back home on Friday. There is a line of thunderstorms coming through tomorrow through Thursday. I will stay put and continue my walking and photo tour of the town until the weather improves.

All is well at home. C. is keeping in touch with her parents who are doing well. I talk to her on the phone several times a day. Hopefully, she and I will be able to do a cruise up the coast to Chesapeake Bay in early fall. I miss her and wish she were here to enjoy this place.

In the meantime, I am going to relax, enjoy, and do some more walking.

Good Sunday Morning

It is a beautiful Sunday morning at anchor. I arrived last night, having cast off lines early Saturday morning. I went all the way down the coast about six miles offshore, sailing or powering. Sailing was going well until the wind came right on the nose. It is difficult to sail when the wind is coming from the direction that you need to go.

The last couple of hours of the journey were in the dark as I came into Saint Helena Sound. The Garmin GPS became my Higher Power for that time because I had no idea where I was going and has to rely upon the chart plotter. It surely was blind faith that no fuses would blow or that the instrument would not malfunction. By the time I anchored near midnight, I was exhausted but happy.

After a good breakfast this morning, I will head down the ICW for the little southern town that has so much charm. There will be bookstores, art galleries, and antebellum homes to visit as well as lots to photograph.

I don't know what you are doing today. Maybe you are in church, maybe having dinner with family, or just having a quiet day. I am surrounded by southern marshes and water. That is the best church in the world to me.

The news today....

The news today from me is a bit of a mixed bag.  I'll give you the bad news first. 

I went to a public hearing last night about rezoning and development of a particular bit of green space near the marina.  There is a proposal to build at least 2000 private homes on what is public property. The woods and habitats here are one of the most important sites on the east coast of North America for migratory birds. Similarly, there is now ample habitat for migratory butterflies, dragonflies, moths, and other creatures. And yet, it appears that the great machine of development is huffing and puffing its way to destroying the habitat in favor of luxury homes.  

I have been to quite a few public hearings.  Some that I have participated in have completely reversed and shut down destructive proposals.  This one passed without a whimper from the Planning Commission and the public. 

I think about how out of touch so many are with the natural bounty of the land.  A new strip mall goes up, replacing woods and fields.  People barely notice.  It's just progress.  But really, what is it?  Today's children are increasingly losing touch with nature.  Can that be reversed in favor of nature-oriented education, recreation and eco-tourism?  I don't know whether the great machine can be stopped.

On another note,  a friend has relapsed after four years.  He has a shoulder injury for which he was prescribed painkillers.  He was supposed to get surgery but continued to take the painkillers instead, except that he was taking them at three times the normal dosage.  When they ran out, he started drinking.  So he was messed up on opiates and booze.  He went to detox but checked himself out after a few days, saying that "they weren't treating him right."  He acquired some Xanax and is drinking again. There is nothing to be done until he is entirely willing to quit.  The  irony is he said he didn't think that anyone would be there for him.  What he doesn't realize is that so many people will be there for him when he is sober.  When he is a drunken, sorry mess...well...not many want to be around him.  When the alcoholic is driven to drink, he drives others away. 

Now the good news.  I am planning to head south along the coast in the sailboat on Saturday.  It will be a 12 hour run to get to this beautiful southern town.  It is one of my favorite places to visit.  If the weather cooperates,  I should be there sometime early Sunday morning.  I'll anchor out for a few days and row to shore, visit the book stores and shops and enjoy the ambiance.  And maybe get a dock slip for a night in order to get a good hot shower. This will be the first test of Sojourner's "legs" offshore for an extended distance.  I am looking forward to it. 

All is going well with those I love.  No one is sick or in hospital at the moment.  That is very good news.  I am off to a meeting at noon and then a meeting with a fellow I sponsor.  The rest of the day will be boat and cruise prep time.  I am looking forward to all of this.  Hope that your day is going well.

Growing things

 It's that time of year to show off a bit of the spring garden.  The potatoes are coming up nicely.

 The cucumbers are coming along.  Today we planted okra.  Tomatoes, peppers, squash, eggplants and beans are in the ground.  The herb garden is coming along. 

 The flower beds are being filled with salvia, coleus, and marigolds.  Other annuals will go in soon so that there will be a riot of color. 

 The iris have bloomed, sending out their light, sweet fragrance if you get close enough.  These were the old bearded iris brought down from Virginia.  It is hard to know how many years these tubers have been around.

And finally there is something growing inside this little bird house.  A mother wren has been sitting on her eggs and the little ones are about to hatch.  I am sure soon that there will be all kinds of babies being born around here.  I never know what I'll see as I walk around the property. 

That's the good thing about living in the country.  There is ample land with good soil to have a big garden, enough woods and fields to provide a sanctuary for the animals, and enough room for all of us to co-exist.  Pretty cool. 

A review of the "Codependent No More Workbook"

I was eager to read the latest book, Codependent No more Workbook: Exercises for Learning to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself by noted recovery author Melody Beattie.  Her ground breaking book, Codependent No More, was one that I read and re-read during my first year in Al-Anon.  I realized that my obsession with the alcoholics in my life was causing me a great deal of unhappiness and anxiety.  I was seeking to find out who I really was since my identity for so long had been enmeshed with others and their well being.  I got comfort from knowing that there was a solution to what I was feeling.

I learned from reading Melody Beattie that codependency is an adaptive but sick behavior.  The behaviors that are adopted from living around alcoholism are self-defeating and hurtful.  We learn not to feel, not to express our opinions, and not to trust.  As noted in the Workbook, "Most people with codependency issues feel genuinely unlovable. They attach themselves to people by caretaking, hoping to become indispensable instead." It is only if we are lucky enough to get to such a low point that we are isolated, feel unloved and alone, then there is a chance that we will seek help through a 12 step program such as Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous,  or ACOA.

And that is where the Workbook is so helpful.  The 12 steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous and how to work the steps form the "lessons" in the book.  Ms Beattie goes through each of the steps, providing examples of codependent behavior and how to use each step in recovery.  For example, in the lesson on Step One (We admitted we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable), she explains that control is a reaction to loss, that unmanageability doesn't have to define our lives and detachment is a powerful tool in recovery.

For those of us who are in 12 step recovery programs, this book provides a good review of the steps. But what I found most interesting were the numerous activities suggested for each step that will provide additional insight into your own recovery.  As I was reading the Workbook, I could see many opportunities to use the information when working with those I sponsor in Al-Anon.  I thought that the activities were particularly helpful for Step Three (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) which is often a hard step to grasp.  For example, she asks: "Who's creating the plan for your life? Before being exposed to the Third Step, did you think about who had control of your life and will?....Do you believe someone should take care of you because you take care of him or her? Or do you know that you can gently, lovingly, but with discipline when necessary, take care of yourself?"  I think that the activities would be a supplement to those that are provided through Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. 

There were a few points in the book that I questioned.  One was the idea of setting up an appointment to work Step Five (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs) before beginning work on Step Four (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves).  The fourth step in Al-Anon takes quite a while.  For me, it took about four months to complete the Al-Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress and to do a fourth step adapted from AA's inventory sheets.  I think that being thorough is important in doing a fourth step, leaving nothing out.

I also found little emphasis on the importance of a sponsor in working the steps.  A mention in the Workbook on whether one would have to pay for a fifth step did not resonate well with me.  Perhaps that is a possibility if the fifth step is done with a therapist, but I had hoped that more emphasis would be placed on the importance of getting a good sponsor who will be more than willing to be a guide through the steps and gladly spend the time to do a thorough fifth step.  Instead, Ms. Beattie mentions that having a program member or sponsor listen to the fifth step could be "dangerous" because the person could relapse or otherwise break confidentiality more readily than a trained professional would.  This seems contradictory to developing trust which is important in recovery.

I found her list of emotions, beliefs, and codependent behaviors to be thorough.  These would be quite useful in considering character defects and harmful behaviors in Step Six (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character).  Although Ms. Beattie recommends immediately doing Steps Six and Seven after the Fifth Step, my experience has shown that an exhaustive Fifth Step requires a time of quiet reflection after completion.  Yes, it is exhilarating but can also be filled with a lot of emotion.  I needed to rest after the several hours that it took for my fifth step. 

I don't know if the codependency ever completely goes away.  Likely this is something that I will struggle with at times for the rest of my life.  But it helps to be aware of the problem, to understand detachment and boundaries, and that over-functioning in relationships doesn't work.  My work on focusing on myself and finding out who I am continues.  I think that a major message from Ms. Beattie's Workbook is that working the steps is the solution.  She writes, "Treatment is good. Going to Twelve Step meetings and enjoying fellowship is helpful too. But I've seen people go to groups and only talk about their problems. If you're looking for long-term change, the kind that comes from the inside out, work the Steps. They're the heart of this program, and they're the work we do. Then when you go to meetings, you can talk about the solutions too."  That is what I believe too. And by focusing on the solutions, I can see though how far I have come in meeting my own needs.


Title: Codependent No More Workbook
Author: Melody Beattie
Pages: 182
Genre: Mental Health, Psychology
Publisher: Hazelden
Pub. Date: April 1, 2011 (2nd ed.)


Follow the rest of the tour for more thoughts:

Monday, April 11th: Guinevere Gets Sober 
Wednesday, April 13th: Take Me Away

Monday, April 18th: I’m Just F.I.N.E.–Recovery In Al-Anon

Thursday, April 28th: Books, Movies, and Chinese Food

Monday, May 2nd: A Room of Mama’s Own

Wednesday, May 4th: Bookshipper

A reply to John

Here is a comment that John wrote about a recent post of mine:

Hi excuse me if I seem rude, but having had a little scan of the blog and some of the comments you've left on other blogs that I knock about on, I've a question for you.

You follow AA. You seem to have bought into it wholesale, but without being an alcoholic. You also say you weren't sure of whether or not your father was an alcoholic.

I understand that it must be difficult growing up in a household that is emotionally distant, and chaotic through drink. I understand how this leads in many cases to a life of addiction.

You seem not to be an addict, although you seem to have a predisposition to it with some of your behaviours.

If you are not an addict, why would you surround yourself with drunks/addicts and constantly discuss it? Don't you think you're just looking for an emotional crutch?

I've gone through NA, and I loathe it. I know it works for some, but I think it's phoney and cliquey, and substitutes psychobabble and Higher Power bullshit for actually living.

Surely you should be out living your life, and not worrying about recovering from a problem you don't actually have. I guess prevention is better than cure, but I think, perhaps, you're using AA to cover up some other issues.

I've no intention to offend, but I'd be interested in your answer.

John,
I'll do my best to clear up an apparent misunderstanding regarding my affiliation in recovery. I attend Al-Anon which is for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking. My wife is an alcoholic in recovery through AA. I cannot call my father an alcoholic because he never defined himself as that. He may have simply been a heavy drinker. He eventually gave up drinking altogether. So I don't really think that he was a real alcoholic. Nonetheless there was alcoholism in the family since his sister and her daughter died from it.

The reason that I go to Al-Anon is because I have been affected by alcoholism for a large part of my life. I am neither an alcoholic or an addict. However, you are right in that I have exhibited many of the same behaviors of an alcoholic such as low self-esteem, control, fear, abandonment and anger. Those of us who have lived with alcoholism may have unmanageable lives, even though we are sober.

I am married to an alcoholic who does go to AA meetings. I occasionally attend open AA meetings which have helped me to have compassion for alcoholics. I like to hear the solutions in recovery. I am around people who are actively seeking those solutions. There is a saying in both AA and Al-Anon about sticking with the winners. The winners are those who are not enmeshed in their disease and who are living in the solution.

I have found that my life since being in Al-Anon is much more balanced than before. I used to totally focus on my career. Now I am enjoying a variety of activities without guilt. Life is definitely to be lived fully. I am doing that every day.

As far as your thoughts on NA, I have no experience. If you find that you are happy doing what you are doing and your life brings you contentment, then by all means go for it.

I read a bit on your blog and it seems that you are using heroin daily. If your life is good using, then you have found your solution. There are also those you are able to get clean without the help of NA. Not every one has the same journey.

John, I appreciate your comments. Perhaps I have cleared up some confusion regarding what Al-Anon is. For me, it is a life changing program.

Inevitability of getting old

Lately things have been on a bit of a roller coaster in our lives.  Not only did my wife's heart attack come as a surprise, but her father has also been in and out of the hospital.  Yesterday, we were pretty sure that my father-in-law was not going to make it through the night.  He had been admitted back into the hospital on Wednesday with internal bleeding.  Late in the afternoon yesterday, the doctor called to tell us that things did not look good.  The doctor had gone over his wishes regarding resusitation and other medical directives. 

Needless to say we were both very concerned.  I went by the hospital after spending the day on the water with school groups.  I took the first shift until midnight.  During that time, I talked to him and talked to my HP.  It brought back quite a few memories of being with my own father the night before he died.  Sometime during those hours that I spent with my father-in-law,  I began to see a change.  He asked for something to drink so I asked the nurse to bring him some ginger ale.  His blood pressure stabilized and his temperature (caused by an unknown infection) returned to normal. 

It was as if I could tell that he was going to be okay for that one night.  C. still wanted to come in so she stayed with him until 3 AM and then came on home thinking that he was better too.  I realize that at 90 years old, he may rally and then crash.  But today, we are encouraged that he is sitting up, talking on the phone, and eating his meals.  His blood pressure is still low but that is being watched very closely. 

After being with him,  I felt peaceful and knew that at the moment things were okay.  We are hopeful.  I realize that the inevitability of death is near at his age.  One can't think in terms of years or even months.  It is brought down to one day at a time.  But I have not fully accepted that it is his time to go. Perhaps I am bargaining to keep him here a bit longer.  I do believe that there is still life left to be lived by him.  I hope that I am right. 

Adult children of alcoholics

Tonight our meeting topic was on adult children of alcoholics.  I don't know if my father was alcoholic, but I do know that he was emotionally unavailable and would drink on those days that he was home from work.  I knew that I was affected by this because I wrote about it when I was a kid. I hated for him to be home.  I hoped that he would die, yet I felt terrible for wishing such a thing.  I had a lot of unresolved feelings about love for my father who was an authoritarian figure.  I remember fearfully talking  to my mother and asking her to please get him to stop drinking because I was afraid that he was an alcoholic.

There is a check list of characteristics that those of us share who were brought up in an alcoholic or other type of dysfunctional household.  Isolation, unease with authority figures, people pleasing, sensitivity to criticism, difficulty in intimate relationships, fear of abandonment and rejection are just some of the traits that are developed to cope with alcoholic dysfunction.

Sadly enough, many children who grew up in alcoholic homes also become alcoholic or marry one. It is what we know how to do--seek out the familiar--even if the familiar is hurtful.  I can think back on so many relationships that were not right, largely because I was attracted to those who were most familiar, yet the most injurious to me.

We really grew up with such a sense of responsibility that there was scarce time for childlike fun.  I know that I would escape through play from the anxiety that was always just below the surface.  Lives are lived in fear of being found out.  So we learn to hide feelings and the truth from others. We lived life from the standpoint of victims, and became reactors. I know that I did what I could to drive people away so that they would abandon me because I wanted to be the victim.

It is amazing really what alcoholism does to those who don't even drink.  I took on all the characteristics of the disease without ever being alcoholic.  When the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic were read tonight,  I recognized the "old" me in every single line.  But the "new" me who has been in recovery for four years now sees that there has been a behavioral change.  I no longer exhibit every characteristic.  That indicates to me that there has been a profound change in how I view others  and myself since coming to Al-Anon.  Yes, I still have a fear of abandonment, but it is not as crippling a fear as it once was.  I see that my relationship with others has changed for the better.  I am no longer wanting to solve their problems or accept responsibility for their actions. And I have learned to appreciate who I am at last--imperfect but okay.

Ask yourself these questions and see if some resonate with you:

• Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
• Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
• Do you fear criticism?
• Do you overextend yourself?
• Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
• Do you have a need for perfection?
• Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
• Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
• Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
• Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
• Do you isolate yourself from other people?
• Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?
• Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
• Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
• Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
• Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive?
• Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
• Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
• Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?
• Do you think someone's drinking may have affected you?

Just remember that we didn't choose this disease.  We were simply in the way of it.  And we learned about it over many years.  Now I am undoing all that has been harmful to me.  It takes time--One day at a time.

Hope from a newcomer

There was a newcomer at the meeting tonight.  She was in a lot of pain and for much of the meeting could hardly speak for being so emotional.  Her husband has been drinking for quite a few years but the amount being drunk has accelerated recently.  He begins drinking in the early morning and continues throughout the day.  He has promised her that he will stop but has not been able to.

Every time there is a person who comes to a meeting in pain from what alcoholism has done, I feel so much compassion.  But I am also filled with a great deal of hope.  My compassion comes from having been confused and angry, filled with despair when I went to my first meeting.  My hope comes from seeing where I am now and how far I have come in taking care of myself and not fixating on the alcoholic.

I know that if the newcomer can keep coming to meetings, there will be a chance that the pain will cease and there can be happiness in its place.  I have felt so low that I seriously thought at one time about suicide.  And yet,  now I see that was totally my disease telling me that I was no good, unworthy of love, and a complete failure as a human being.  It was through the steps of this program that I learned that I wasn't as bad as I thought nor as good as others thought I was.

Newcomers who keep coming back, get a sponsor and work the steps can feel hope again.  The tears that seem as if they will never go away will be replaced with laughter.  I know because I have seen it happen with others and with myself.  So when a newcomer walks through the door of a meeting,  I am grateful.

I not only am reminded of how I have been helped but am also given an opportunity to extend my hand to offer help to another.  That is what keeps me filled with hope.  I have seen what the 12 steps have done for me and how the 12 traditions have helped me deal with others.  Newcomers do bring hope.

Anniversary day

Today C. had to get back to take her sponsor to pick up her 16 year medallion. Her sponsor had been sober around ten years when she decided to go back out. She decided that a little experimenting was in order. Predictably, the result was disastrous.

I hear about situations in which people have been sober for many years and then make a decision to drink again. It is a sad situation for all concerned. And it truly brings up to me how life has to be lived one day at a time.

I do believe that I am powerless over what others do. I cannot prevent another from picking up a drink again. In fact, I don't really think about it much or have anxiety about it now. I used to have a fair amount of worry surrounding situations where my wife would come in contact with alcohol. I tried to watch her closely and rapidly was back in the unmanageability of my disease. But the more time I have had in recovery, the more I realized that her sobriety is not up to me. What a relief that has been.

So today I am grateful that she will be there to give her sponsor a 16 year medallion. And maybe the story shared of how going back out to retry the insanity of drinking again will convey just how deadly the disease is. There are no guarantees with alcoholism, but the best defense is to stay spiritually fit and to make a daily decision to not be involved in the insanity for that one day.

Time to kick back

I am happy it's Friday. It surely has been a busy week. The last group of kids is back from the beach. I am going to enjoy this evening on our boat, cook a good dinner, and sleep in tomorrow.

Next week is not as crazy busy as this one has been. So it looks like I will be out on our boat for the weekend and Monday too. The Civil War re-enactment will be going on this weekend on the island near where we anchor. It's a big event for the Sesquicentennial celebration. I think there is a big difference in commemorating such things and celebrating them. Wars aren't a cause for celebrating, rather trying to figure out how not to repeat tragedies.

We are so divided in this country at the moment that I wonder what the outcome will be. Shutting down all non-essential services in government seems drastic. What is preventing us from getting along and reaching middle ground? I don't understand how bickering over Planned Parenthood or green house gas emissions can bring us to a halt.

My goal Is to Live and Let Live. I do my best to not dictate to others what they need to do. Having an opinion on something is good but cramming it down everyone's throat is not. I hope that we can avert tragedy by softening our rhetoric and views. My edges that were sharp and cutting have been smoothed by recovery. I am grateful for that.

A loose garment

After a long, very long in fact, day with 150 eighth graders yesterday, I knew that I needed a meeting last night.  My patience had worn thin, my "don't give a shit" attitude was in full force, and my near disgust with the human species was obvious.  Yes, that is exactly when I need to be in an Al-Anon meeting. 

A recap of my day would go something like this:

• a change of plans at 10:30 to take the entire group of 150 to a nearby Fort instead of to the island via boat.  The wind was blowing too hard for a boat trip across the harbor. 
• Take three groups of 50 eighth graders through the fort, the museum and to the nearby beach where most of the time they are running wild. 
• Have to call down a couple of boys for trying to smash a living crab against a rock.  Kid says, "But I just want to kill it." Yes, and I am starting to have a similar feeling about the kid. 
• Another kid tells me that he just wants to kill something.  So I tell him to run out in the street in front of a truck and he will get his wish.  Definitely, not one of my better moments. 
• Girls are drawing hearts in the sand.  Boys are drawing huge penises and testicles in the sand with some shells spewing out the top.  I am not a psychiatrist but wonder if this is wishful thinking on both parts. 
• A highlight is that the dolphins decided to put on a show which captivated about 30 of the kids. Some were also interested in hermit crabs and a few other critters that we talked about in the tide pool. I start to feel a bit better. 
• I am thankful to see all the buses leaving and cheerily wave them on their way, thinking how glad I am to see them go.  And hoping that I won't see them again.  
• Wondering what I am doing with this job and how ill suited I am to deal with these alien creatures.  I used to be one, but that is but a faint memory to me now. 

So then I head to a meeting after an hour break for a sandwich.  The meeting is packed to capacity.  And the topic is Let Go and Let God.  There are no coincidences.  I needed to be here.  As always happens,  I feel a sense of peace descend on me as I listen to the welcome, preface, and steps being read.  All the stuff from the day starts to lift from me.  It is true that the feeling is like shedding a heavy coat, only to have a loose garment underneath.

There were quite a few tears shed last night.  Some people were struggling with loved ones who were deep in their disease.  There was talk of how imperfect our ability to let go really is.  But that it is indeed necessary if we are to feel any freedom in our own lives from alcoholism.  I have been where they are--feeling helpless, lost, and not seeing how there will be any good outcome.  And yet, I knew that I needed to come back, just as they are doing.  And in my coming back, I began to feel better.  That's the beauty of this program. 

A few people shared about their deep faith and how that has sustained them in turning things over to the God of their understanding.  I had none when I came in.  I felt that the only Higher Power was me.  And I was doing a really poor job of it.  I know that letting go is difficult.  But I gradually began to loosen my grip on others.  And in doing so,  I began to trust that they could find their own way without my directing them. 

When I left that meeting, regardless of whether I heard solutions or just problems of life with alcoholism,  I felt better.  I was tired but felt at peace.  Wearing life like a loose garment is something that this program gives me.  And that's why I keep coming back.

 

Confusion of puberty

The wind is still blowing a gale here.  Yesterday, the harbor was a froth as I did three boat tours with the coastal cruise company that hired me as the lecturer/scientist for their trips.  The only difference with today's weather is that it is raining as well as blowing.  It will be another interesting day on the water. 

I wish that I were totally enthralled with doing this job.  I give it my best but trying to reach the 8th graders this week is difficult.  Some seem to be interested so I focus on them.  Those who spend their time squealing and acting out are the ones that I don't focus on.  I am not a counselor.  And I am learning that I am not a teacher for those who don't want to be taught.  I have spent my career working with motivated people and have spent a lot of time writing papers and proposals in solitude.  I am affable but uncomfortable with large groups of disinterested people. One of my shortcomings, I suppose. 

I talked to a chaperon yesterday who happened to be a retired art teacher.  She said that in her 31 years of teaching, she has seen the kids change dramatically.  The eighth grade girls dress like hookers and yet will act like young girls with their squeals and games like "patty cake".  The boys dress and act like kids.  There is growing evidence that the onset of puberty in girls may be shifting earlier and earlier, possibly due to obesity or exposure to environmental chemicals.  This is obviously a difficult age. 

Yesterday,  a couple of the bigger boys were stomping on the clams, one broke a bottle on a rock and another was kicking a jellyfish.  I told the boys to not stomp on clams or kick jelly fish.  And I made the one that broke the bottle, pick up the pieces and put them in a plastic bag.  Where are the teachers? Well, there is only one per group of 50 students, and she was overwhelmed with so many kids to keep up with.   I know that I don't want to baby sit a group of kids, but also I can't let them be destructive. 

I don't remember much about 8th grade.  I thought much of early high school up to tenth grade was pretty much a mess.  There were social cliques, lots of hormonal changes, and emotional confusion.  Maybe not much has changed. Male aggression starts coming out which may explain the need to kick or break something.  Females are still girls but are learning to be women.  Lots of confusion for all concerned.

I will give it my best today.  There will be over 125 students going out on the water.  I keep telling myself that if just one or two come away with an appreciation for the ocean and its critters, then I am doing some good.  I will see what I can do today.  Hope that you have a good day. 

Sunday thoughts

After the windy day yesterday, this morning is calm. There is barely a ripple on the water. The dolphins are surfacing and rolling lazily around the boat. It's Sunday and this is my church. All is peaceful, augmented by a warm and sunny day.

On a morning like this, i have such an overwhelming feeling that all is right with the world. Of course, intellectually i know that is not the case. Someone is dying as I type this, someone is killing, stealing, hating, lost in misery, starving and on and on with the litany of the human condition. But just for this moment, my world is good. It feels like love to me.

So I thought that I'd post a few thoughts about love this morning. Some of these I heard in meetings, read online or in books.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take his place. Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.

I am loving life today. Just for today, I will keep this feeling of happiness and contentment. A good Sunday wish for each of you.

Late night Friday

I had a full day today of doing ecotours for two school groups. This is kind of a part time job in which I get to talk to school groups about beach and marsh ecology and the critters that live in those habitats. It isn't about the pay but just the fun of being outside at one of my favorite islands and talking about marine science.

I have been a researcher all my career. I have taught graduate school courses and had graduate students that I mentored. So dealing with middle and high school groups is a new thing for me.

I enjoy the interaction with most of the kids. The middle school groups are the most interesting. The younger grades are really into the whole experience for the most part. I had two groups of 50+ middle schoolers today. They were filled with questions, excited to be on the beach and interested in talking about what they found.

One of the teachers told me that some of these kids had never been to the ocean before and some had never been out of their home city. That made me feel a lot of gratitude for being able to be part of such an exciting experience for them. Can you imagine that some were seeing the ocean for the first time? What a powerful thing to be part of!

So I have had a full day. I am grateful to be off my feet now and not having to walk another mile today. But most importantly, I am grateful for having an opportunity to experience the wonderment of these children.

There is so much wonder in this world if we stop to see. And the things that I may take for granted because they are familiar can be a source of great inspiration for those who are seeing them for the first time. I am glad to be reminded today that I can see things with fresh eyes, sometimes blurred with tears of gratitude and renewed hope for mankind.