Thoughts today

You can complain about the same problem three times.
Then you'd better be in the solution. If you have to talk to more than three people about the same problem, you don't want help, you want attention.

Meetings are an archipelago of sanity in a lunatic sea.

God doesn't close one door
without opening a better one ~ ~
BUT ~ ~ ~ ~ ~we've got to get our fingers out of the closing door. The reason you're in
pain is because you have your fingers in a door God is trying to close.

There are two kinds of people:
those seeking the truth ~
and those afraid of it .

My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.

Situations that use to baffle me

I don't know that I'll ever "recover" from the effects of alcoholism. I don't know if I am capable of putting all that has happened out of my head. Maybe that's not the point of recovery. Recovery may just be about living easily with the past--accepting what has happened and moving on.

To tell you the truth, I don't think that I need to measure myself by any yard sticks when it comes to recovery. And the thoughts about the past are valuable reminders of what I don't want to re-enact today.

What I do know is that I've come a long way since being in Al-Anon. I've been able to see the insanity and unmanageability of where I once was. To me that means that I am making progress towards peace and serenity. I don't have a lot of sadness or anxiety in my life now. I believe the promise of knowing how to "handle situations that use to baffle us" is coming true for me.

I realize more and more that I'm not defining myself as the person who took abuse and wore it like some kind of merit badge. Those were days that feeling like being a victim and sinking into self-pity were all there was. I was accepting of my sickness. I don't accept that anymore.

I don't want to be:
less than
beat up on
a problem solver for others
a victim
someone to pity
in denial
angry

Instead today I am:
free to choose
full of life
comfortable with who I am
not willing to settle
a survivor

I may not ever be recovered, but I can see that the journey that I'm on is leading me in that direction.

Hope that you are having a great Memorial Day. My plans for the day are simple. I am going to walk on the beach, read, take lots of photos, cook a fabulous breakfast, take a sea shower, get sand between my toes, and enjoy the fabulous weather that is forecast.

Stay safe and enjoy doing something that you have a passion for. Living is about passion, don't you think?

Sand castles

I am out on the boat today which is no surprise. The old girl and I decided to build some sand castles this morning. Later, the tide washed away any trace. Today can be a clean sweep of things. I like that I can rebuild my spirit at any time.

Speaking of rebuilding one's spirit, check out a new blogger at Glimpses of Grace. He provides daily meditations in recovery as well as his photographs. It's good to have new bloggers.

There is still no phone service or Internet in the country. I am using the iPad on the boat to check blogs. But mostly, this is a weekend to renew. I am grateful that there are no immediate emergencies. My father-in-law is still in the hospital. He is slowly improving. C. is staying with her mother for several hours a day. The old dog Timmi is still wagging and maintaining.

There is a statewide DUI alert for the weekend. Four people were killed by drunk drivers last week. What an awful thing alcoholism is. I see so much damage from the disease. Some times I say that I am grateful for having been exposed to alcoholism. Then there are other times that I wish that I had not had that horror in my life. It is no good to look back and wish for what could have been. Today, I am glad that those I love are sober. That is enough.

Trying to force solutions

I came home yesterday to find that the phone lines had been cut, probably by the workers who are grading the dirt road and digging out the drainage ditches leading to the house. That is the way things are out in the country. Losing power and phone service happen fairly frequently.

I had been down on the boat doing some line splicing when I received a call from C's mother that her dad was going to go back in the hospital immediately. He was bleeding internally again and was being taken by ambulance. I tried to get in touch with C. at home, but the phone just kept ringing with no answering machine picking up.

I suspected that the phone was dead. Cell phone service is minimal at the house. So I finished up what I was working on and went home. Sure enough the phones were dead. I told C. about her dad. She was upset and at the point of utter frustration over not being able to get in touch. We walked around the property and eventually got enough of a signal for C. to call her mother and check on her and her dad in the hospital.

During all of this, I could feel that I was trying to force solutions: With the phone service, with my mother-in-law, and with C. I know that as soon as I start making suggestions for another, I am trying to control the situation. And that is when my own dis-ease comes front and center.

One of the concerns that I expressed last night to C. was about her father continuing to drive. He is 90 years old and has health issues. I think about what could happen should he get in an accident. What if he kills someone?

Neither of us wants to address this with him because he is stubborn and unyielding. I decided last night that it will be up to his doctors to make the decision. His driving is really a legal matter and not a solution that I can force.

So after I thought about that, it was time for us to have a simple evening with no internet. We read, exercised and had a good dinner. Not obsessing over what is not my business is real progress in recovery. I see that I don't have the solution for another.

I will catch up on blogs when internet is restored. I hope you are doing well.

"Our thinking becomes distorted when we try to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." Al-Anon preamble

Checking my motives

After several years in Al-Anon, I am finally understanding how crucial it is to look at my motives before taking any action or making any decision. My motives are are the seeds from which all my actions sprout.

Something I have been learning to do in the last couple of years is to think about what I want to say, and then to decide if it is important for me to say it.  I am responsible to take care of myself  by speaking my truth.   I am also responsible for how I say what I say.   I have to decide if I have to say it for myself,  and allow the other person to do or not do whatever they are going to do. I realize that nothing I say will make another do what I think they "should" do.  It is the T.H.I.N.K. acronym--is what I am saying thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind.

For me, my true motives may be unclear in the heat of the moment.  I still have a tendency to want to do things that are unhealthy for my emotional well being.  I used to stick around for unacceptable situations simply because I didn't think that I deserved any better.  Now,  I do know that I can sort out my thinking in time, so that I realize what my motives were at the time I opened my mouth or made a bad decision.  It has helped me to not react until I have asked myself what my underlying feelings are at the moment.  I have done so many things just to please another or because I was afraid of a negative reaction.  I let fear dictate my actions--fear of loss, of abandonment, of worthlessness.

After a few years in Al-Anon,  I can ask myself what my motives are and use prayer, meditation, the steps and traditions, and my sponsor to check whether I am in "right" thinking.  When I find myself with an especially strong urge to do or have something, its particularly important to check my motives to find out what I really want.

Let it be your constant method to look into the design of people's actions, and see what they would be at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more significant, practice it first upon yourself.   Marcus Aurelius

Communication

I had a really good weekend and even decided to stay on the boat last night as well.  It was very relaxing.  We laughed, talked about a lot of things, and slept soundly both on the boat and at home. I really like these weekend getaways that we have.  It really provides some much needed time for intimacy and communication.

It was meant to be that tonight's meeting topic was on communication.  Communication can really deteriorate in relationships with an alcoholic.  I can remember when I thought that she was funny and sexy during the drinking days of our courtship.  But eventually, the blush on that rose wore off, and I saw that her drunken conversations were a source of embarrassment for me, especially at social gatherings. There was a lot of sarcasm and thinly disguised anger from me.

Over the last few years in Al-Anon, I have come to understand how destructive our old way of communicating was:  I used to badger and manipulate to get my point across and get my way.  I tried arguing which was a failure especially when the alcoholic is drunk.  I think that I wanted to pick a fight.  Not a single thing was accomplished by my getting angry, hostile or being a martyr. 

Now, I realize that she is an individual in her own right with her own ideas.  I don't need to tell her what to do or how to run her life.  She has a program and her own Higher Power.  I cannot be either to her.  So I treat her and most people I encounter with the courtesy they deserve.  Reading about how we communicate from the Al-Anon book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, has helped me to understand a lot better just how destructive alcoholism is with communicating.

I can speak my truth without condemning the other person.  By tiptoeing around a situation and keeping silent, I am making it seem that I agree.  I have learned that it is important for me to talk about what I want and what my needs are.  I have a right to an opinion today and can express myself without fearing some kind of reprisal.  We may not agree but I am not afraid to speak up.  If we disagree, then that is okay because I have learned to be courteous and not take things personally.

Strange and very typical that I had no trouble speaking up when she had been drinking. I had lots to say then.  And the next morning, I could play the hostile martyr role well.  Thankfully, I know not to harbor resentments or dump my feelings on another.  This is especially hard for the alcoholic because my feelings can often overwhelm her.  No one can handle my emotions and feelings.  That was an unrealistic expectation that I had of my partner being able to take care of my emotions.

Our life today is much less closed than before recovery.  We are patient with each other,  we tell each other how much we love each other every day,  I know that she is the same person that I fell in love with years ago.  We both are evolving to explore new ways to communicate. And as I find out more definitively who I am,  I am also finding that love and closeness we had at the start.  I do not have to allow this disease to take that from me.  I can choose to control how I think and act and talk, I can choose to be the loving person I was.  And I find in doing so, I am getting better and we are getting better together.
  

"You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. "
from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

Feels like summer

It is a warm, sunny day here. It doesn't feel to me like the world is going to end or the living are going to go to their heavenly reward. It feels like summer is here with kids on the beach and families grilling hotdogs and hamburgers which I can smell from the cockpit of the sailboat. We just finished up breakfast which is also lunch on the boat. We eat two meals a day out here and do a lot of walking.

It does feel rapturous to be on the water. Some friends are coming by later in the afternoon. It is nice to have a large enough boat now to be able to have people come aboard and have a meal. With the 22 foot boat, there was barely enough room to turn around. Yet, we had such fun on her. Some of my best memories are from the days that we were aboard her, either huddled for warmth or sweating and having the little battery-powered fan trying to move some humid air.

I am hearing the VHF radio with a lot of activity. It is the start day of the race to Bermuda which some locals started a few years ago. I think that it would be a fun thing to do if I could get a crew of three other people on board. I have trouble thinking of three other people that I want to be in such close quarters with. I like the boat for its solitude. Maybe next year, it will be something to consider.

I am thinking that we can make our own happiness here on earth. I don't want to be delivered from anything at the moment. I am okay with what is. Now all of it is pleasant in this life, but I will take it and appreciate living as much as I can.

Power up

Ever since Guinevere posted about her fitness program, I have had an urge to get back to the gym.  I am quite active physically but admit to missing the gym routine.  However,  I also know that getting motivated to drive the 30 minutes to the gym, working out, and getting showered is going to take a lot of time out of an already busy day.  I am all about flexibility in my schedule now, so I opted for the same program that G. wrote about.   It is something that I can do at home. This may be something that C. and I can do together, or it may just be me working up a sweat.  The package came in today so it will be fun to give it a go starting on Monday. 

Even in the midst of all my stuff around alcoholism,  I did take care of myself physically.  I would routinely either ride 25 miles at lunch,  run five miles or go to the gym for pilates, spinning, kickboxing or aerobics at least 5 days a week.  It was one of the best things that I found to stop me from obsessing for at least a while on my unhappiness.  Strangely enough, about the time that I started going to Al-Anon,  I stopped going to the gym.  To be honest, the gym closed down, but I didn't opt to get a membership at another.  I simply stopped going.  I stopped running but continued to row and sail.

Something about my focus changed when I began recovery. I knew that when I started Al-Anon, I was totally focused on getting better.  I went to a lot of meetings.  I got powered up in a spiritual and emotional way.  I was working, meeting with sponsees, being a group representative, and having some free time for being on the boat.  I don't think that I had much time for anything else. Now,  I am ready to get back to the routine of physically pushing myself.  I like the challenge and know it is important for me to take care of my physical being, just as I have with my emotional and spiritual health. 

There are several bloggers who I read that have regular, scheduled exercise as part of their self care.  I have been inspired by Dave, Lou, Mary Christine, Irish Friend of Bill, Cat, and Guinevere.  Now, I am making this one of my daily goals as well.  I'll keep you posted on how all this powering up is going.

You may be right

I started out the morning with a huge limb from an oak tree blocking the lane.  The limb was hollow and came crashing down as I was leaving to run some errands.  Even though it had a hollow core, the huge limb was heavy and required about a half hour with the chain saw to cut it up.  Life is exciting in the country.  I am glad that it didn't fall across someone's car. 

Later in the afternoon,  I took another group of fifth graders on a tour of one of the coastal barrier islands.  They were interested and inquisitive.  I don't mind being around children who have an interest in learning.  It was a fun afternoon. 

I heard a saying the other day that I hear frequently in Al-Anon:  "You may be right."  This is supposed to be used when some one is argumentative and trying to push their point.  It sounds a bit trite and even smug.  I have never liked it.  It worked better in that old Billy Joel song.  Maybe it has become too much of a cliche.  I also don't like the response of "How's that working for you?" when someone exhibits behavior that is destructive.  It seems to smack of sarcasm.  I used it one time with a really bright fellow I sponsored who looked at me and said, "I expected better from you."  I got his point. 

I felt a bit low down this evening.  I know that I have some anxiety over how my old dog is doing.  I wish that there would be no drama and nothing to worry about.  But life has other plans.  For today, things are pretty good.  I managed to shake a feeling of dread earlier by simply writing out a gratitude list and thinking back over the day.  The center of things is holding at the moment.  There is nothing that is provoking an immediate crisis.  I just get to hold on and let tomorrow unfold as today closes. 

Don't give up

I am constantly reminded that life is truly one day at a time.  Yesterday the vet called with good news. Timmi was doing much better.   His renal values went to normal, and he ate a good meal at the vet's.  Knowing that all this can change at any moment,  I opted to bring him home and continue to flush out his kidneys using subcutaneous fluids here.  So he is happy to be home and ate about a pound of deli ham last night (his choice of a homecoming meal).  We don't know whether the kidneys will continue to function, but we are willing to do what we can to help him.  He was wagging and playing with his hedgehog last night before bedtime. This morning,  he ate a pound of thin sliced turkey.  Looks as if we are cooking for three for a while.

I went to my home group last night.  The fellow who cried because he had difficulty reading has been coming regularly. He now reads and shares regularly, saying that he is grateful to have found a group that has accepted him.  He handed out a daily reader last night to each of us. In his shy way, he said that he ordered these as a gift to us.  It didn't matter that it was about Jesus.  Just the gesture was so touching to me.  He didn't give up and has found a place that feels like home to him. 

There were a couple of newcomers to this group.  One I had met on my trip a few weeks ago when I sailed south.  He is in the "other" fellowship.  This was his first Al-Anon meeting, and he was doing his best to be the center of attention. I kept thinking of the Big Book's familiar phrase about being an actor who wants to run the show.  It is interesting to see how egos present themselves when someone is taken out of their familiar environment.  He definitely has a lot of alcoholism in his family, so hopefully he will learn some of the gentle ways of Al-Anon if he continues to come to meetings.  Maybe he will find something that helps him to not only stay sober but live sober as well. 

The other newcomer was there because his brother received his fourth DUI and tried to run over someone while drunk.  He is now in jail facing all kinds of charges.  The newcomer is struggling with detaching with love and establishing boundaries.  He loves his brother but realizes that he can't help him.  Struggling with sadness and anger, the newcomer doesn't want to give up on himself.  He has reached out a hand, and a bunch of us took it.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.   I am truly grateful for events unfolding today.  I'm not giving up on the old dog, on the newcomers at meetings, or on life.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Beautiful day here

After the thunderstorm last night, this morning dawned fresh with low humidity and clear skies. I was thinking about the solo sailors who are on their final leg of the around the world voyage. I hope that they made it through the storm and have good winds to push them to France.

I am feeling resolved about what is to come with Timmi. He is still not eating but was delighted to see us and wagged his tail. His creatinine levels are still high in spite of intensive flushing with IV fluids. I was hoping for a different result. But I know that I will just have to accept what is.

But for today I am okay and diverted from the sadness that I know will come. Some friends are coming by to visit. We will laugh and enjoy the visit. Later, it will be good to go out to the garden and see how things are there. I am doing what I can to stay in this day.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Every comment you make means a lot to me. I will be around to visit you when I can.

A reunion

I am doing a bit better today. I know that my old dog, Timmi, is in renal failure. Today, I think that I am prepared for what may happen on Monday. Yet, I know that this will be terribly sad and both of us will shed tears. My heart is so tender when it comes to the animals. Yet, they age so quickly and in an instant, the little puppy that I held is now at the end of his life.

I was thinking yesterday how great it would be to have a reunion with all the people that I have known in my youth. They would be as they had been when I first met them--but would catch me up on their lives. I would be able to share with them how much they meant to me and how I still remember them--the boy in first grade who was made to sit in the hall for having peed his pants; the kid who was teased for being fat and poor; the pretty girl in high school who tried to kill herself; old college room mates; and playmates from child hood. Where are they? What are they doing now? I would like to see them and thank them for being a part of the tapestry of my life.

And I would like to be able to pet and hug the animals that are no longer here, feel their fur and look into their bright eyes. I want them to know how their lives have enriched mine, how much their presence meant to me.

Maybe there will be a reunion of all of us at some point, when our collective energies mingle. I hope so.

Sweet honey

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
from "Last Night as I was Sleeping" by Antonio Machado

I am struggling a bit at the moment.  It will pass.  

One of my old dogs is in hospital with renal problems. I know that his time may not be long. 

An old friendship is being tested at the moment.  I am hoping for resusitation and not death.

I feel as if much around me is lying fallow, yet the leaves and the garden tell me otherwise.

I am contemplating my old failures and doing my best to turn them into something sweet.

I wish some days that  I had more to say, but I believe this is enough today. 

Secrets make us sick

"You're only as sick as your secrets
The things you keep inside
The stories so awful, so hurtful ~ YOU think
The ones you choose to hide
The feelings you wall off and keep at bay
The past you regret each and every day
The memories you wish would never be
The stuff you hope no one ever sees
You're only as sick as your secrets
The longer you hide them you'll find
They'll rob you of joy and sanity
They'll drive you right out of your mind
They'll keep you from living life to the full
They'll tug at your heart, push and pull
You apart ~ like a puzzle, piece by piece"

I have heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've been wondering about what secrets have done in my life. I know that I tried to keep a secret about my father's drinking when I was younger. And in my marriage I did what I could to keep it a secret that my wife drank and that we had problems in our marriage. For some illogical ego-driven reason, I wanted us to be the "perfect" couple.

I can remember that when we first moved to our current jobs many years ago, I thought that this would be a chance to have a "new" life. We could "start" over. Now I know that the geographic cure only is temporary and that wherever I go, I bring myself.

I felt a tremendous safeness when I did my fifth step. It was the first time that I had unburdened and loosened up all the secrets. I realize that every day I can speak truth because when I believed Step Two, I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I have had to come to the realization yet again that sanity for me means that I let others think and do whatever they need to think and do. It's none of my business.

I never let anyone do anything to me that I wasn't complicit about. I went along with the program. I let the alcoholics hurt me, take my self esteem lower, leave my mind in turmoil. That was done with all my cooperation.

I know and do believe that living a spiritual life is necessary for me to regain my self. Honesty is a huge part of this program. Being honest is not an easy thing to do sometimes, it can be frightening, and sometimes painful. But without it I will not only hurt those I care about but will hurt myself worse. When I chose to do the steps, I looked forward to getting rid of secrets and to break the logjam in my head that told me to keep things to myself.

But what do I do when others in my life decide that they want to hold onto their secrets? I suppose that the fairy tales that I read have led me to believe that if I share my innermost thoughts to another, then they would do the same with me. The secrets are really a barrier that prevents closeness, enhances inadequacy, and keeps me selfish.

My own self-disclosure was humbling. But just as I am powerless over alcoholism, reality is that even those closest to me don't have to tell me their secrets just because I want them to.

There are people that I love who have left a mark on me that hasn't gone away. They have provided a mirror on my own being so that when I looked in their eyes I found parts of myself. And then there are those who I haven't seemed to connect with or engage my being with no matter how much I stayed open or made them feel safe. And now I wonder what they needed and if they will ever find it anywhere. I think that those are the people with whom I only received a tiny piece of their being and will look back and wonder what if they had given more.

What I do know is that we aren't so different from each other. It's just that somewhere one person is willing to step up at a crucial moment and break the silence, share the secrets, and become whole. I don't want to be the one alone who suffers in silence.

I still think that my relationship would become more open if others were willing to share their painful secrets. I now know that secrets have kept me sick for a long time. Being willing to listen, share and be well is a better option.

. . in silence might be the privilege of the strong, but it was certainly a danger to the weak. For the things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of, which would have been far better aired . . .
—Joanna Field

Double braid and getting old

Life is moving along okay here.  All my loved ones are doing well.  However, I was struck today by the fact that I am getting older.  "Big revelation", I'm sure you are thinking.  We are all getting older, unless we are dead.  But the days seem to be going faster, and most of the time I would like to slow the wheels down.  It would be good to not get those college alumni magazines that serve as a blatant reminder of how many years it has been since I graduated from college. 

I have been trying to learn how to do a double braid eye splice today.  I am impaired at the moment by the process.  But I am determined to use U Tube videos and a rigging book to master this.  The video fellow makes it seem so easy.  I spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out how to pull the core out that this fellow did in about 5 seconds.

The garden is growing and looking wonderful.  I like this time of year because all the plants look so grand.  By mid-July,  this same garden will look tired and well.....old.  But the mulch and irrigation system seem to be doing their wonders at the moment.  And this year the fig tree will bear fruit.  This tree has grown for about eight years and finally there are figs on it.  I know that we are happy at the prospect of having some Italian golden figs to eat.  I was beginning to wonder if it was just going to be a huge tree that never produced anything. 

And finally,  my blogging friend Irish over at Recovery Archives is anticipating that the death of her father is imminent.  She was one of the first bloggers that I followed.  Her site has so much good information and truly is an archive of recovery information.   I am sure that she would appreciate your stopping by to offer a few words as she goes to see her ailing dad.  As she writes, "Being old is not for sissies." Yes, I can see that it isn't.

But with the close of this day,  I learned a few things. I know that the double braid has a tough core with a fairly soft exterior.  If that's not a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is. 

The dance without joy

I am happy to have it be the weekend. Yesterday, I did a lecture on barrier island ecology and dynamics to some fifth graders. They were great kids, listening attentively and being excited about the beach and the ocean. One little girl ran in large circles with her arms outstretched for sheer joy. That's the kind of enthusiasm I like to see.

Today I am heading out for the island anchorage. No pressure and not a long trip. Some friends came by last night while I was at the marina. Their relationship is rocky. He drinks and stays out all night. She gets angry and tells him that she isn't going to put up with it anymore. He comes crawling and tells her he is sorry. She takes him back. The insanity of that dance is obvious.

She has said that she can detach from him and not care. I wonder at the kind of relationship in which people simply no longer care, if indeed she does, and what an empty thing that must be. I have often questioned the Al-Anon idea of being happy whether someone is drinking or not. What is the point in staying with someone who is really not present, who lies and can't be trusted? I think about the years that go by wasting energy on empty promises. I realize that happiness doesn't come from another but harmony is also important.

Settling for something familiar is sad but so common with those affected by alcoholism. Clinging relentlessly to the sinking ship seems much safer than striking out in a life boat for safety.

Yes, I did stick for many years in my relationship. But without being in recovery, I know that I would not have stayed should the drinking have continued and will not stay should it start again. That is a personal boundary for me.

But today all is well. I am not dwelling on "what ifs". Time to cast off lines and head out. I hope that you find the day to your liking.

I am not the Director

I have a good friend who is about as alcoholic as one can be even though he has been without a drink for over two decades.  I listen to him as he has all kinds of dreams and goals, none of which he really wants to work to achieve.  He hasn't had a job in over a year and lives off whatever happens to come his way occasionally.  I listen to him talk about getting his captain's license and wonder how he will pass the exam when his study habits are so poor.  He has much fear and anxiety, yet seems immobilized to take action.

I bite my tongue a lot.  I want to speak up and say, "Hey D., you are going about all of this the wrong way."  I have a lot of solutions for him: Get a job which will end the fear about finances; quit bitching about what is wrong with AA meetings and go to one; do something for others instead of thinking of yourself first; call your aging parents and reach out to them, and so on. 

I think that I have the answers on how to direct his life. It is so tempting to be the director of another.  But I have enough Al-Anon to know that he would resent my suggestions, that I cannot change him to be a mini-me,  and that he has to figure out his life without my interference. 

I know that my thinking that I have the answers goes back a long way.  Was I born this way?  I sincerely doubt it.  But growing up in a dysfunctional home gave me a lot of lessons on seeing what others were doing "wrong".  And those old lessons still present themselves to me every day in which I think that I have a better way. 

This will be a life long process for me of keeping my mouth shut and not trying to run the show.  I know that I must let others fall flat and experience the consequences of their actions.  I am not the Director of their life.  My movie of their life would be a flop.  But each of us has a Higher Power of our understanding.  I take solace in knowing that the burdens of others don't sit squarely on my shoulders.  The load seems lighter just for having written that. 

Fireflies and reading

I saw the first fireflies last night.  They were flashing their lights in the back yard.  I am glad that where I live hasn't been sprayed with pesticides and that these insects can enchant me as they did when I was a kid.  I would catch a few and put them in a jar to keep beside my bed at night and then let them go the next morning. 

I realize now that I was holding up the course of nature.  Those fireflies in my jar were actually flashing to communicate with potential mates. They were magical to me and seeing them last night took me back to that time of summer when I would stay out doors until way past dark, hating to finally be called inside.  I wonder if sprayed pesticides have taken their toll on the little lightening bug in my home town. Back then, there were no spray trucks that came by in the night, hissing out their poison.  And thankfully,  where I live now, there are no spray trucks either.  We live with the mosquitoes, the gnats, and the fireflies. 

I was too tired last night to post.  It was a busy day of putting new lines on the boat.  I whipped the ends which gives a really finished look to the line.  I will have to review how to do eye splices with double strand line as it is not the easiest thing in the world to do.  I ordered a book on splicing which will help as I practice on some discards. 

I am gathering up quite a few good books to keep on the boat.  Reading is something that most of us take for granted.  Yet, there are still those people who have great difficulty with reading.  A new fellow who came to a meeting the other night was so embarrassed by his inability to read that he cried.  It was so touching.  He said that he had worked all his life with his hands and never really learned to read well.  I thought that it took a lot of courage to share as he did. 

Because this was a step meeting, there was a fair amount of reading to do.  So I helped him through a few paragraphs.  He actually did well, only stumbling on a few words.  He said that he had been to one Al-Anon group where he felt looked down on.  I know that some groups are healthier than others, yet it still bothers me to hear that someone doesn't feel comfortable in a meeting.  I hope that he will come back.  He needs the program as he is struggling with active alcoholism in a relative.  Perhaps he will see that our meeting is a safe place where no one is judged.

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” - Mother Teresa

Monday thoughts and my compass

I am still tired from the past week.  It felt wonderful to sleep at home.  The dogs were thrilled to see me.  The cats crawled on my back.  My wife was relieved that I was safe and reasonably sound.  I expect it will take a few days to get over the tired feeling.

The news today was filled with great exultation over the killing of Osama Bin Laden.  While I am glad that he is not a threat anymore, I don't feel celebratory about the whole thing.  Killing is not something that I like and rejoicing in the killing of someone, no matter how heinous, seems strange.  I feel a bit solemn about it, considering how many lives have been lost and how many billions spent to culminate in this event.  I like celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and happy times.  His dismal countenance, dismal deeds, and dismal death don't make me want to celebrate.  

Tonight, I will be doing the meeting topic on Step Five--Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I have found this step to be such a relief.  And every time that I hear a fifth step, I feel comforted that the person is opening up and getting some of the weight of the past sloughed off.

A lot of people dread this step.  Some don't feel worthy to tell someone about their past or wrongs.  Some think that they will be judged by the person listening.  What I experienced was acceptance. I was accepted. I was accepted as I was, and I was able to dump all the pretense and BS and move on. I was  lighter.  The fifth step experience did a lot to me and a lot for me.  I felt trusting and trusted.  It certainly changed how I looked at myself and others--not with self-effacing dislike but with a degree of tenderness that I had not experienced before.  I could truly say, "This is who I am, defects and good stuff.  All me."

I think that I truly began to feel peacefulness when I did my fifth step.  I trusted my sponsor and what I heard in Al-Anon that I would have a joyous life if I would deal with my past.  By telling the truth to another human being, I felt accepted and experienced true humility for the first time.

I knew that I had been so lonely and crying out on the inside since I was a child. I just didn't know how to bring people closer to me. To try and fill that need I have done some really insane things. I have heard that we are filled with a huge hole in our psyche from alcoholism.  I had hoped that people would fill that hole but that didn't work.  I realize now that only the God of my understanding can fill up that hole.

I still struggle with my defects.  But I realize that coming clean and being honest about my past, my feelings, my wrongs lifts a big burden and brings a sense of release.  I had finally told another person things that I had never told anyone else. And that brought a sense of freedom, tranquility, serenity, and peace within myself. I have gotten better self-knowledge--another term, as I see it, for humility. I have gotten a deeper, surer, more grateful sense of living.

And that is what I want to celebrate today--living.  The peace within is what I am so grateful for in recovery.  I can go through tumultuous things now without feeling so lost and anxious.  I believe that my internal compass is set on a good course at last.