Having a partnership

One of the things that has been most comforting to me lately is knowing that my partner and I are working together to try to deal with life.  We used to be at odds over so many things.  When she was drinking,  I had so much resentment.  I believe that I hated her and everyone else.  I was civil to people but didn't have much feeling on the inside.  I am sure that showed in my outside as well.

I thought that she was the problem.  I blamed her for the fact that the world was falling apart around me, while she was drinking and seemingly having a good time.  I eventually realized that she was also miserable.  We both were.

Now, in sobriety and with me getting much further along in my Al-Anon recovery, we are able to work together and not at cross-purposes.  The last few weeks (it seems much longer) have been a strain on us, yet we are not angry with each other or with anyone else.  We both long for some carefree days without wondering what is happening with the parents.  But we know that being carefree will happen again eventually, even if in snatched moments.  Life is seldom carefree. 

I can look back over our years together and see that not all of the problems between us are a result of her alcoholism.  These are life long habits that we acquired long before drinking came along.  I don't know if we ever really communicated well.  I realize now that there was always tension, a wariness between us. I was up tight. She was up tight. There was an impasse and walls that were hard to break down.  Thankfully, we have learned to have mutual respect for each others individuality and mutual concern for our well being.  

There is a lot that I have learned about how to be a true partner and friend by sticking around the rooms of Al-Anon long enough for the miracle to happen.  I got the message by listening and hearing the solutions of others, by applying the steps and traditions in my life, and by reading Al-Anon literature.  The following are really simple matters of respect but are often forgotten when dealing with alcoholism that seems to poison relationships:


1. discuss things without attacking or blaming
2. speak in a reasonable tone and not in a demanding, angry way
3. stick to the subject
4. listen to what she has to say
5. don’t make demands or threats

Over the last few weeks, we have been tested by stress and anxiety.  Yet, we have managed to listen to each other and to not keep our feelings bottled up.  I'm not pretending to like something when I don't.  That approval seeking behavior of always agreeing means that I have outsourced my peace and serenity. If I want to be a true partner, then I must face reality and not be afraid to share my feelings in a loving, respectful manner.  We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves. We’ve got to know first why we are saying it. And this brings the focus back to me.

“Respect for each others uniqueness requires a willingness to accept in another what may not measure up to our own standards and expectations.  This loving willingness requires a measure of self-esteem, an awareness of our own good qualities.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

So now we know

We had a very early AM meeting with the doctors treating C's dad.  He has cirrhosis of the liver.  Although he hasn't had a drink in years,  his liver was likely compromised from contracting hepatitis and malaria during his war time duties in the Pacific.  Alcohol consumption for most of his life further added to stress on the liver.  The amount of alcohol it takes to damage the liver varies greatly from person to person. For women, consuming two to three drinks—including beer and wine—per day and for men, three to four drinks per day, can lead to liver damage and cirrhosis.

The bleeding that he has been experiencing is caused by esophageal varices.  As the liver works harder to process the bodies toxins,  blood pressure builds in the hepatic portal system.   Normally, blood from the intestines and spleen is carried to the liver through the portal vein.  But cirrhosis slows the normal flow of blood, which increases the pressure in the portal vein.  When pressure builds in the hepatic portal system, it may cause enlarged blood vessels in the esophagus, called varices.  He has a number of varices that are banded every time he goes into the hospital.  The enlarged blood vessels burst from the thin walls of the esophagus and increased pressure. When this happens, there is serious bleeding that can result in death if not treated immediately.

We did not know that he had cirrhosis until yesterday.  He was a heavy drinker for much of his life, tapering off as he got older.  Not too many years ago, he was in danger of developing type 2 diabetes and was told to change his diet and to cut out alcohol consumption.  He did that with no problem. 

I explained this to a friend last night who said, "Well, the liquor finally got him at age 90."  (There is actually a joke about this but will save that for another time).  When I think about someone in their forties or fifties with cirrhosis and dying from internal bleeding,  I realize how fortunate my father-in-law is that he has made it to age 90.  Now we know that at his age,  there isn't much that can be done other than to treat each emergency as it occurs.

But for those who are still out there drinking alcoholically,  there is still time.

Hope for a good day

I just returned from the hospital, taking the evening visitation time.  The old man is weak and looks startlingly like a baby bird.  But he perked up when I was there and drank some ginger ale and took his pills. The nurses were amazed that he had perked up so much just with this visit. 

He has elevated ammonia in the blood due to having malaria and hepatitis when he was in the Pacific on a naval ship.  I don't know why it is manifesting now, other than probably there is a strain on his body and things are just out of whack.  That isn't a very scientific explanation, but it is all that I have forthcoming at the moment.

At the moment, I am tired but feel okay.  I hope that he will turn the corner, but once again I realize that turning the corner at 90 is not quite the same as when a person is 35.  Today, I went to four assisted living facilities to gather information.  I could see how eager the residents were to talk to me, a fresh face.  I felt a lot of sadness, yet I realize that many of them are indeed happy and feel safe in these facilities.  It is not so hard to imagine myself here in a few more decades.  But I don't want to think about that this evening.  That sends me into a self-pitying state and brings up all kind of abandonment stuff.

I am really too weary to write much else.  Tomorrow could be a good day or a bad one.  I am going to be optimistic and hope for a good day for all concerned.  The vegetables are coming in, there was some rain, and I got to spend a few hours on the boat.  There is still much to be grateful for.  As the young lady who shared her story last night said, "I have lost a lot of things in recovery: my marriage, my house, my job, most of my things, but I have gained so much more.  I am truly happy for the first time in years.  And that is priceless." 

Shattered pieces

After talking it out, all the family issues are being resolved for the moment. Two aides are covering 24 hours to be with my mother-in-law. My father-in-law is improving and will likely be discharged early next week. And I went around to some assisted living facilities to get information just in case they want to move in that direction. Those decisions will be up to them.

I went to a speaker meeting tonight that brought home to me once again how similar part of my story is to that of many alcoholics. The part about not feeling good enough and not fitting in, yet desperately wanting to, is also my story. I also was offered a glass of wine when I was around ten years old. I drank it and felt lightheaded but no feeling of wanting more came over me.

When I consider the genetic likelihood that I could have been alcoholic, it is truly a miracle that I am not. My path diverged from that of the alcoholic in that I did not drink to avoid the fears and feelings. Instead, I stuffed my anger, put on a brave face and covered up feelings. I looked for love in other wounded people, thinking that if someone was worse off than me, perhaps I would feel better and be loved.

It is another miracle that those I wanted to love me did indeed love me, even though the path wasn't always straight or the actions conventional. It wasn't until the image of myself that had been concocted was shattered into many splintered pieces that I began to become whole again.

And through my inventory (step four) and admitting the exact nature of my wrongs (step five), I was able to cobble together who I really was. That was another miracle of recovery. And there are many more miracles who walk into the rooms of Al-Anon and AA every day.

At odds

I was going to write this morning about how everything has been going well: Rain came last night to refresh everything and quiet the heat, the garden is yielding a lot of vegetables,  my wife's parents have been maintaining.  I was lying in bed thinking about the day and relishing the thought of spending the weekend at an inlet up the coast about 20 miles.  Then the phone rang.

My mother-in-law was on the line saying that Pop was not feeling well.  That means that he is passing blood again.  C. was downtown at the medical university doing her early morning cardiac rehab exercise class.  Mom asked what should she do so I told her to call 911 and have him transported to the hospital. 

I have to say that I am doing my best to feel compassion and caring.  But I am also tired of the intrusion into our lives.  Pop still insists on doing just about everything, even though there are nurses aides coming in twice a day to change linens, give Mom a bath, do laundry, and a host of other things.  He decided that he didn't like the morning aide so he told her she was no longer needed.  He told me that he could do all the things that she was doing and better as long as he stayed well.  So here we are. 

My immediate reaction was that I don't want to go over and spend the night again.  I want to sleep in my own bed and go about those things that I enjoy.  The parents-in-law have the means to pay for help.  I respect that they want to stay in their house.  I worry about the stress that this will cause C.  I am hoping for a solution in which an aide can spend the night there until Pop is out of the hospital.   We would then be able to cover the day time hours. Mom cannot be left alone. 

I know that there is a solution.  I know that I am willing to help but not be all encompassed by this.  One part of me feels that I "should" rush over and be the good son-in-law.  The other part of me says that I have done a lot and am wanting to have my life.  The two are at odds within.  I have learned in Al-Anon to do the next right thing.  I know what that is.

Unacceptable behavior

Another hot day, unbearably so actually, until near sunset when the sea breeze came up and the sun began to fade and gave off a firey light.  We fled to the boat for the evening and grilled some steaks and chicken, with a salad and some garlic bread.  It has been a long day for both of us.

There was a good meeting that I attended with the topic being dealing with unacceptable behavior.  I could write a book on that one topic. It brings up a lot of feelings from the past. I put up with the unacceptable behavior of others and dished out my own unacceptable behavior in retaliation. I found it hard to change my attitudes and harder to draw a line in the sand that would be my boundaries.

I was on a merry-go-round. I kept going round and round with the alcoholic, and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me all the emotional stuff that I hadn't gotten at home and she couldn't. She was too sick, and I was also sick.
I was expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship that was abnormal. There was no way that I could get health from sickness, or get my Higher Power to answer my selfish prayers to work a miracle on another. I was having problems with my own addiction to the alcoholic. Her drinking perpetuated her illness and my compulsion to make her stop or behave differently perpetuated mine.

The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." I found that I don't need permission to move my life in a direction of peace of mind and serenity. I don't need permission from the alcoholic or anyone else to change toward the better. I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know." Yet ultimately I owed it to myself to have dignity and a sense of self-worth. But that won't happen if I had continued a posture of "submission to a degrading situation."

I like having a boat analogy (surprise!). I found that I was missing out on a lot of life by waiting around for others to change. I was waiting for their boat to sail back into port. And in reality I didn't know if they were even on a boat. So I began to change my own behavior and quit waiting around for others to join me. Luckily my wife decided that she wanted to make her own changes.
It's up to me to get rid of my unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic may or may not do so. She may miss the boat entirely. If you're living with the disease, you can make changes anytime you like. Now might be a good time.
"I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me. " from Courage to Change.

"When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair? Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?" from One Day at a Time

Teaching respect

Most of us don't realize that we are all teachers. I can think of many instances where someone has provided a lesson for me, most likely without even being aware of it. These lessons may be very subtle, almost below the surface of awareness.

I know that I learned a lot of lessons from the alcoholic. I found that I lost respect for my wife because of the drinking. I reacted in negative ways. I became so obsessed with getting her to change that I forgot about the person that she was. I was obsessed with her problem and also forgot about myself.

It wasn't until coming to Al-Anon and going to open AA meetings that I learned the difference between hating the disease and not the alcoholic. Both programs taught me about having respect for others. I learned that everyone has the right to be their own person – no matter what their problems are or how they decide to manage their lives.

I think that is how I began to see that in order for others to respect me, I have to respect myself. I've learned in the program to look at myself and to be aware of my actions and behaviors. I've learned not to control others but to let them go so that they can be their own person.

My actions and not reactions are what help others to respect me. I've learned to keep healthy boundaries but not show hate or contempt for another. I realized after being in Al-Anon that all the years that I spent in anger, disdain, and contempt really did nothing to help either of us.

However, there are times when I think that people in my life take me for granted, tune me out, or disregard my feelings. I know that these are sensitive areas for me. And that if I don't pay attention to the feelings, I will start to slip.

I suspect that the roots of this behavior began early on in my relationship with others. So what did I do early on? I put up with things in order to keep the peace, make a good impression, avoid confrontation, and generally get along in childhood and in my marriage. And so the people in my life learned what I would and would not tolerate and what to expect from me.

It doesn't take long for these "lessons" that I taught to become deeply ingrained. And then that leads to my complaints: "Why does everyone always take me for granted? I'm tired of being the "responsible" one. Can't anyone take me seriously? Doesn't my time matter? Don't I matter?"

So what's the solution? What can I do if I'm unhappy with how others treat me? I needed a new "lesson plan". And that's where the steps and traditions come in. So here's what I decided:

• It wasn't very productive to beat myself up over what I did in the past. I need to be gentle with myself. Screw guilt! I reacted before because I didn't really know how to react. I was just trying to survive. In the present, I can develop new behaviors.
• I can look at what I have been tolerating and make some boundaries that I want others to respect. I need to enforce those boundaries.
• I need to make it clear to others what my own needs, wants and dreams are. I need to decide what the new "messages" are that I want to send.
• I have the right to speak up when my feelings get stepped on. If I want to be treated well, I have to make an effort to explain what I need, rather than pulling back and struggling with frustration. It is up to me to provide enough information to others so that they know where I stand and what my boundaries are.
• It doesn't accomplish anything for me to feel helpless or like a victim. That just leads to blame, resentment and rescue attempts that make me feel bad.

I think that the biggest help to me has been keeping my emotions in balance and not being afraid to ask for what I need. By getting more in touch with what I feel, the good and the bad, I have gotten in touch with what I need in a relationship with others. It just feels much better to do that than to vent and complain.

Scenes at sunset

It has been a dangerously hot day here. We stayed inside for much of the day to avoid the 105 F heat index.

Tonight I sought some refuge at the waterfront. There is a good breeze blowing as the sun is going down. I am splicing some new dock lines. The old ones are stiff and hard to throw on a cleat.




The cargo ships are steaming in and out of this port city. Now there are huge passenger ships coming to dock as well. I wonder where they are bound. The life of a merchant seaman is no doubt interesting at times, but the monotony of endless days at sea must be difficult. I don't think that I would want to give up being with loved ones by choice.



I like the quiet of this time of day. The wind blows through the rigging and makes a howling sound. In the winter it is ominous, but tonight I welcome a strong breeze. The flags are standing out straight. And as night falls, I can feel the heat of the day lessen.



Soon I will go back home, read a little, exercise, and finish up another day. My mother had this poem hung near her bed as long as I can remember. It seems like a good thought to end with:

A PERFECT DAY

When you come to the end of a perfect day,

And you sit alone with your thought,

While the chimes ring out with a carol gay,

For the joy that the day has brought,

Do you think what the end of a perfect day

Can mean to tired heart,

When the sun goes down with a flaming ray,

And the dear hearts have to part?

Well, this is the end of a perfect day,

Near the end of a journey, too,

But it leaves a thought that is big and strong,

With a wish that is kind and true.

For mem'ry has painted this perfect day

With colors that never fade,

And we find at the end of a perfect day,

The soul of a friend we've made.

By Carrie Jacobs-Bond

Things I learned from my father

"It is a wise father that knows his own child." -- William Shakespeare

It's Father's Day today. My father died in 1985. I think of him often, but there's something about Father's Day that was special when he was alive and is still special today. For me, it was always a way to say "Thank you" to a man that I both loved and feared. I would make him a card with my crayons when I was a kid and later would give him a card and a present. He seemed to like those cards as he kept them all.

My father was a man of few words and didn't talk about feelings. We didn't have those fatherly chats that I've read about. But I learned a number of things from him that I am thankful for. I want to share some of those with you on this Father's Day.

My father taught me how to care for a large vegetable garden growing in the backyard. He loved to grow vegetables. He would till up the soil, plant tomatoes, beans, corn, and strawberries. I would help him put the seeds in the ground. It was my job thereafter to weed and water the plants. From doing this I learned responsibility.

My father taught me how to fish and feel at home on the water. He was quite a fisherman. He always had a boat, and we would get up early to be able to hit the water on the last of ebb tide. He showed me how to bait my hook, wait for the fish to bite and then set the hook. My father taught me how to run the boat and to watch the signs that the water gave that shoals were ahead. From watching and waiting for fish and tide I learned patience.

My father taught me about monetary values. I was given a weekly allowance but was not allowed to spend it freely. I was told to put some of it aside so that it would accumulate into a larger sum. I was taught to think about what I spent money on and to not buy things that wouldn't last. My father would not loan money to others, but he would loan tools and give away fish and vegetables to neighbors and friends. From this, I learned appreciation of what I had, and about charity.

My father taught me to tell the truth. He had a suspicion that I was taking his cigarettes and smoking them with my cousin when I was around 7 years old. He asked me if I had stolen them and was smoking. I told him that I had. He lectured me but told me that I did right by telling the truth because my punishment would have been worse had I not. He told me that he couldnt' stand a liar. From him, I learned about honesty.

My father taught me that actions speak louder than words. He wasn't a "windbag". He would listen to what others had to say and then make his own decisions. He said that there were a lot of people who could talk their way out of anything but it was their deeds that were important. I learned the importance of doing.

My father taught me to care for animals and to love them. The few times I saw him cry were when an animal died or was hurt. He once took my cat to the medical doctor to get a fish hook out of her mouth. There was no vet in town at the time. "Mama cat" became a star and was written up in the local paper. From him, I learned about empathy.

My father taught me to stand up for myself. He never let people walk all over him. And he wasn't afraid to speak his mind if provoked. He didn't like injustice to people or animals. He didn't look down on people but treated everyone he met fairly, unless they proved to be unfair. From him, I learned about fairness.

And I know that there were many other life lessons that I learned from my father. All of these things he taught me have shaped me. The lessons that we learn as children color our life. I hope that the fathers out there realize the importance of that.

Beyond making sense

Here are some things that are beyond making sense to me today:

I heard today from a friend that he and some fellow engineers found a dead dog attached by a chain to a dog house thrown in a dumpster behind their office. A dog lover, he is outraged. The police were called, but we don't know what the outcome will be. The dog, a German shepherd, will be autopsied.

A friend, sober some 20 years, is nearly broke and selling things to keep the water and electricity on. He won't look for a job. He gives a lot of reasons why he can't do things. He tells me to work my Al-Anon program and not worry about him. I have helped him in the past but am done with that. I can be a friend and give support without giving money.

I belong to a sailing group that has a Christian invocation and the pledge of allegiance before every meeting. There are non-believers and non-Christians in the group as well as other nationalities. Some of the old guard are not wanting to hear other opinions regarding just having a moment of silence. At one of the executive committee meetings, I suggested a moment of silence and almost said, "followed by the serenity prayer"--LOL.

One of the fellows I sponsor has decided to "blow off" working the steps. After several months of working with him, I find this out through another person.

I don't have any answers, but I do often have a lot of questions. Some things are simply not meant to be understood.

"Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of humankind.
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of people.
I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living."--Bertrand Russell

Rain at last

We got some rain finally last night.  I think that everything human or not has heaved a big sigh of relief.  I am still leaving the horse trough filled with water for the deer and other critters as the wetland near the house is just moist and not filled with water as it has been.

We have been getting a lot of vegetables from the garden because of irrigation.  This is the first year that we have grown heirloom tomatoes.  They are kind of purple looking but so delicious! I had to get used to the color though. After smearing a little Miracle Whip on them, they looked and tasted just fine.

I have been a bit of a vegetable myself over the past couple of days.  I haven't been doing a lot in the yard or on the boat.  It has been really too hot to do much of anything. I am going out on the water over the weekend which will be good.  In fact, I have only left the property to go to a couple of meetings and to check on the boat. 

At one of the meetings I attend, we have one topic a month that focuses on Al-Anon literature.  Each month a different topic based on the literature is discussed. This past week,  we discussed loss in relationships from Al-Anon's Opening our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses.  It often feels lonely to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.  There can be a sense of loss although the loved one is someone we see on a regular basis. Even some people who are in recovery may feel left out and alone and grieve for how the relationship has changed.  It can be especially lonely in the first year of recovery.

I think that each of us has to figure out a way to get past the expectations of how we want another to be.  I know that my feeling of grief about the relationship came from what I wanted my wife to do and say.  Once I realized that I was not going to remake her,  I was able to accept and be patient as her recovery process worked.  There isn't an immediate evolution of the spirit for most of us.  It takes time to evolve in recovery to be the person who is happy, joyous and free.  And at that, it is still one day at a time.

Heart sounds

I have had this annoying fluttering in my chest lately.  I know that these are heart palpitations.  I used to have these when I drank caffeine.  But over the last several years, I quit drinking caffeinated beverages of any kind.  So I think that this newest bout of heart flutters may be related to stress.

I suppose that I have had a few things to be stressed about over the past several months.  I definitely have been on edge a bit more lately because some of the people around me are having difficulties.  That being said,  I take care of myself by eating right, exercising, and relaxing.  I am not overweight, don't smoke, and seldom even have a beer.  But I have an active and inquisitive mind.  And I am the product of a life of living with alcoholism.  I suppose though that just having issues on the mind can cause a certain amount of stress. Some of those issues seem to not be immediately resolvable by me, so I have no need to spend time thinking about solutions.  I know all these things intuitively, yet the feeling of a shoe getting ready to drop continues.

I am going to see the cardiologist that I went to before when I had those heart sounds that he thought were nothing to worry about.  He suggested that I stop the caffeine.  I wonder what he will say this time: "Stop this life of feeling responsible. Get rid of the stress." Yes, I am doing what I can on that. 

I am going to take it easy today.  I have a meeting tonight.  I did sleep at home last night in my own comfortable bed.  I realize that I can't divest my life of all stress.  These are stressful times. And I have to deal with what comes my way.  But the heart fluttering is a reminder that I may not be letting things go as readily as I thought.  I have a residual feeling of anxiety that seems to have wormed its way into my psyche.  I want my heart sounds to be strong. I want to be kind to myself and not take on the weight of the world.

Leave it for the night Crew

I am home after spending another night at the in-laws.   They are sleeping through the night now and have for the past several nights.  I think that it will be okay for us to get back to our lives momentarily and spend the night together in our own bed.  I am sorely missing our snuggle time. 

I haven't written much about my mother-in-law here.  We have had an uneasy relationship over the years. She has been a force to be reckoned with.  I can't say that I have truly felt at ease around her, although I have tried to force that feeling.  I realized this morning that I have never heard her tell another person that she loved them.  Yet, she did say that to me the other night.  I don't know what holds a person back from telling those who are the closest to them the magic words:  I love you.

Isn't that what we are all hoping to hear and feel?  Love is really such a basic need.  It lightens our hearts and our steps.  It can make us float above the mundane.  It means that someone will be there for me, has my back and that I am willing to reciprocate.  I don't think that I could survive for long without expressing love.

Some people are able to freely express themselves and have the ability to open their heart and soul to others.  I have learned through Al-Anon to do more of that than I did in the past.  I believe that I used to choose with care those with whom I was open.   In this fellowship, it is amazing what sharing around a table will do.  I have learned about humility and pushing down the ego.  I have heard grown men and women weep and lay their pain out there.  I have done the same.  And I have seen what a miracle it is to see the smiles come and resentments go.  There are plenty of times that fear still comes up--fear of not being enough, of not doing enough.  That is part of my human condition, yet I know that fear doesn't have to be my default position anymore.

I realize that learning to express love takes saying the words, feeling the feelings, and taking action.  I am going to do all those things today.  Tonight is my home group meeting which I am sorely needing.  Then, I am coming home and leaving the rest of the evening to the night Crew, trusting that someone other than me will be able to take care of things for a few hours. 

No regrets

It has been a fine day with a lot of sunshine and gentle breezes. The evening is actually cool which is a blessing this time of year in the deep south. Although we are severely lacking in rainfall, the garden is getting irrigated and the flowers watered. We have even managed to keep alive the much prized flower garden that C's dad has.

I don't have any regrets at the moment about the past week. I know that I have done what I could to help others and to not do any harm. It surely has not been an easy week, but I realize that life throws these things at us. How I respond is an indication of my recovery. Being angry or fearful is not going to help me or anyone else. I am glad to have been fully present.

Tomorrow I will be able to check up on the boat and perhaps go for a sail. I am looking forward to whatever the day brings.

Everything in the house is quiet this evening. The dogs and cats are sleeping. C. is with her parents. I am going to read a few pages and then turn out the lights. I am glad to live in such a beautiful place, a retreat from the city where the breeze is blowing and the trees are gently swaying, backlit by the moon. What an amazing life this is.

Solutions

My solution for what I wrote about yesterday was to talk directly to the boat and business owner. I expressed my concerns over what I had heard and observed. I mentioned that another person who has been on the boat during tours made a similar observation.

The owner listened to my concerns and said that he will have a talk with the fellow about being too friendly with the kids and not being professional. He obviously does not want any problems with his business. I know that I did the right thing by going to the owner with my concerns. If nothing improves by the time that tours for school children resume in the fall, then I will say something to the fellow himself.

I realize that Live and Let Live does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior. And it doesn't mean that I stand idly by while harm is being done. My tendency is to be direct and not mince words. I simply need to process things a bit before I take action. Many times in the past I have shot from the lip in a reaction and regretted not taking time to THINK. When I can check to make sure that what I am saying is thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind, then I am on solid ground. I believe that I did that in this situation. Thanks as always for your input.

On other matters, C. and I are taking shifts in staying with her parents at night. There is help during the day but not at night. I stayed last night and will be staying for the next two nights. Her mom needs help getting to the toilet. I am strong enough to do this. I am glad to help out. We are cooking healthy meals for them. Last night, I read to her mom until she dozed off. C. has put fresh flowers in the room and sachets of lavender about. Many of these ideas came from a great post on Recovery Archive that helped me to move past any awkwardness I felt. I am grateful to Irish for her posting following the death of her dad.

Although the carefree retirement days are temporarily in hiatus, it is all okay. Even Huck Finn had a hiatus from his river life but eventually got back to it.

"It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened."
- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

Troubled

I have been on the water again today doing the last ecotours of the year for students. Yesterday I was not at my best. I was sad about the loss of my dog, worried about my in-laws, and feeling quite put out by what I consider to be unprofessional behavior by a fellow on the boat.

This particular fellow is in a position of authority. He is competent at what he does. What is bothering me is his continual flirtatious comments to the teenage girls that go on the cruises. He is continually telling some how beautiful or cute they are. He makes references to how men in their forties used to marry teens so that they could have many children.

I talked to C. about this last night and expressed my concern over what I thought could be sexual harassment. At the very least, what appears to be objectifying these young girls is troubling. I am not quite sure what to do. I have thought about saying something to the boat owner. However, neither the chaperones or teachers seem to notice this and have not voiced any concerns.

Last night, C. recalled her experiences in graduate school where she was propositioned by professors and other men who were in a position of power over a graduate student. It left her feeling uncomfortable and angry. Yesterday, I had much the same feeling when I overheard the comments being made.

Al-Anon teaches me to practice the program in all aspects of my life. I have learned that judging others is not useful. Perhaps this really is none of my business. I simply don't know.

Thank you

Our old dog, Timmi, slipped away easily with just a few deep breaths at the end.  All of us, including the veterinarians, shed tears.  I don't think that anyone, no matter how professional and how many times this is done, can be devoid of such full feelings.  He will be cremated and then buried along with all the other animals that we have loved on the property.  The pet cemetery is a special place. Another good dog will be put there.

Thanks for your kind comments.  There are times when I write that I wonder what the purpose is to keep posting.  But this community comes through in comments and emails.  I used to think that it didn't matter about the comments.  I used to write because it was for me.  I still do, but something has changed over the years that I have been doing this blog. Your comments do matter to me.  Honestly, I like to hear from you, read what you have to say.  I do my best to reciprocate.  If you make comments and have a blog that I don't know about, please send me an email or let me know in a comment.  It is the back and forth sharing that we have that makes this a community.  I treasure that.

Today I have two barrier island tours to do back to back.  That's a good thing.  I will be on the water, talking to school children.  Some may be interested and some may not.  But just reaching one child who says to me, "I want to be a scientist too", is a success.  Stimulating their interest in the water, in nature, in being a part of the environment is so important.  I will do my best today to make them feel apart of something special. 

I hope that you know that you are special.  You are.

Time to let go

Sadly, today we have put the call in to the veterinarian to have our old fellow, Timmi, euthanized. He had been doing fairly well with getting fluids every day and eating a bit on his own.  But this morning, he is not wanting to get up.  His tail is no longer wagging.  And I can tell in his eyes that he is uncomfortable.

It is time to let him go.  I knew that he would tell us when it was the end.  He was a good dog.  We are both okay with knowing that we have done everything we could do.  The body simply wears out and his is. 

The vets are coming to the house which will be the best way to let him go.  He will be surrounded by the toys and things that he loves.  We will be there with him. He is just shy of his 13th birthday.  It has been a good long time together.  Knowing that it is the end and that we have prepared for this over the past month has made it a bit easier.  It is never easy, but it would be cruel to hang on anymore. 

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come -- please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve -- it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

~Anonymous

Deja Vu

I have been juggling sick relatives. It seems lately that one or the other of my wife's parents have been in hospital. In the wee AM hours of Friday morning, the phone rang. That is never a good thing. It was my father-in-law saying that C's mother was doubled over in pain. She was taken by ambulance to the university hospital's ER where all of us spent the rest of the night.

She is okay but may have to have abdominal surgery. At least we can all laugh a bit about the tag team approach to being in hospital. And the EMT personnel are on a first name basis with the parents due to the frequency of visits.

Her room is on the tenth floor of the main hospital where years ago the psychiatric ward was. I would visit my mother there several times a week during her early hospitalizations for depression. I had not been in a psych ward before. But I can tell you that it was not as bad as my wild imagination had lead me to
believe. There were some sick people but most were quiet and lost inside themselves.

My mother often did not know who I was when she first came in. It would take several weeks of treatments before she would be her old self and call my name. My early experience was that I felt afraid that she would not get better. I would try to figure out why she was depressed. How could this be happening to someone who seemed so happy? I was stunned at how far she would go down before the treatments would work. During several stays, she would not eat and her weight dropped to 90 pounds.

I read as much as I could about depression, looking for solace and answers in books. The more times she was admitted, the more understanding I had that this was an illness, most likely inherited, and caused by a deficiency in neurotransmitters. I was eventually able to put her in the hands of the physicians and not worry. I was powerless regarding her illness and curing it.

And I did much the same thing with alcoholism, reading about it, trying to figure it out intellectually. I could do no better with that than with my mother's illness. It was something that I could not fix.

Today, when I went to the old tenth floor, I was reminded just how much energy I spent on trying to talk my mother into getting well. She was beyond the talking cure. And so is the alcoholic. What works is beyond me.

Bullying and alcoholism

There has been a lot of information lately about bullying.  I see it on the news all the time.  Mostly, it seems to happen with kids who pick on other kids.  It is tragic and can lead to some dire consequences for those who are harangued by others.

But what about bullying due to alcoholism?  I have heard about it in meetings and actually experienced it first hand.   My experience was related to how I acted around the alcoholic, and not how she acted to me.   I would intentionally try to get her to react because I was angry.  I would nag her about her drinking.  I never thought at the time that I was bullying, but by repetitively goading her and arguing with her when she was drinking, I was indeed bullying.

I have also experienced the flip side in which the alcoholic is the bully.  I have a friend who sets boundaries and expects them to be respected by all.  However, he has no problem disregarding the boundaries of others.  I restate my boundaries with him, but his hearing is selective.  We are on much better footing now than before when his angry outbursts were emotionally exhausting.  As my recovery has progressed,  I have been able to not take his bullying personally.  I restate my boundaries and firmly tell him that I won't be present when he throws a tantrum.

I read an assessment of bullying behavior which stated that bullies are emotionally, physically and mentally needy. They are often rudest to those that care about and love them. Bullies are ready to point out the faults of others but deny that they have any problems.  A bully likes to be the director of others, telling them what to do and what they did wrong.  A negative out look on life and a judging persona is the hall mark of a bully. 

Not surprising,  Al-Anon has shown me that my bullying was motivated by fear.  Fear seems to be the basis for so many behaviors.  Once I learned to detach and let go,  no longer trying to control the alcoholic,  so much of the dynamics in the relationship changed.  We both heaved an enormous sigh of relief.

And the same thing is true with my friend.  By setting clear boundaries and not accepting excuses for "dry" drunk behavior,  our friendship is not strained.  I also don't react with anger to his angry outbursts.  I do my best to walk away and realize that none of what he is angry about has anything to do with me. 

Here are some other helpful ways to cope with bullying alcoholic behavior:

1. Don't excuse the behavior or defend it.  Walk away and let the bully accept responsibility.
2. Take care of yourself by not responding to every request for help.  Repetitive demands don't need to be taken on by me.  I don't need to do for others what they can do for themselves.
3.  Lower expectations and realize that my detachment is for me.  Expecting the alcoholic to change is unreasonable on my part.
4. Do something for yourself that is fun.  Find a place of solace and an activity that you enjoy.  Leave the bully to fume.  Don't be intimidated into living in misery.
5. Find someone to share with, whether it be a good friend, a 12 step group or a therapist. I was not only amazed that alcoholism had made me a bully, but I was equally amazed that I could get help and deal with my fears around the disease by being in Al-Anon. 

Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Be open. Stand in our truth. Trust what you know. And refuse to buy into denial, nonsense, bullying, or coercion that would like to take you off course. ~Melodie Beattie

Today is such a day

ON A DAY WHEN THE WIND IS PERFECT

On a day
when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open and the world is full of beauty.
Today is such a
day.

My eyes are like the sun that makes promises;

the promise of life

that it always

keeps

 each morning.

The living heart gives to us as does that luminous sphere,
both caress the earth with great
tenderness.

This is a breeze that can enter the soul.
This love I know plays a drum.  Arms move around me;
who can contain their self before my beauty?

Peace is wonderful,
but ecstatic dance is more fun, and less narcissistic;
gregarious He makes our lips.

On a day when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open
and the love starts.

Today is such
a day.

~ Rumi ~

Thinking about a friend who killed herself a year ago today.  I wish that she were still here to enjoy the ecstatic dance. Today the sails have opened and the love has started.