Turtles and dolphins

The sun is going down. I've watched a loggerhead turtle swim past the boat. Maybe she is on her way to lay eggs. I think it is amazing that loggerheads return to their natal beach to lay eggs. Dolphins have been swimming and blowing out their breath all afternoon. So much beauty in this place that it swells my heart.

I spent the morning in the water with my old dog. She enjoyed the swim and the relative coolness of the water. The temperature is about 84 F but that's better than the 105 F heat index today.



I polished the bronze cowl vents this afternoon. They look great against the varnished teak. Work on the boat doesn't end which is okay. It's a labor of love .


Tonight I fixed some cheese tortellini, smoked salmon, Caesar salad, and French bread. We are having a feast. Life feels easy today. I will take that and enjoy the last few moments of the sun.

Just stuff

It has been a hot day but a good one. I had lunch with an Al-Anon friend, a long-timer who has agreed to be a co-sponsor. My sponsor will be moving far away in the not too distant future. He will be my sponsor and friend no matter what. I do feel a need to have a local sponsor as well though. I am fortunate to have both of these people in my life.

Last night I visited a fellow I know who has a sailboat at the marina. He was drunk and obnoxious. I needed to get off his boat and leave. Instead, I listened to his rantings on everything from quantum physics, to his defense of medical doctors who have so much stress that they become addicts. None of his arguments made sense. Eventually, he ranted on politics. When he told me that all government workers were worthless, I made my leave. He knew that I worked at a state research institute. I find it useless to reason with a drunk. It's insanity to even try to get a word in. He followed me, telling me how he was sorry. When he hugged, kissed me on the cheek, and got down to kiss my feet, I said, "For God's sake, man, enough." I wasn't angry but knew that I needed to get far away. There is nothing he has that I want. I see avoidance of him now is necessary. Polite hello's are okay but no more socializing.

I left today on the boat. It is breezy and comfortable tonight. I am glad to be away from the marina. This is my element--quiet lapping of waves, dolphins swimming by, and solitude. I am restoring myself. And I feel happy.

Have a good Friday evening.

The casualties of alcoholism/addiction

Meetings and discussions this week with those I sponsor were about how trust goes out the window when alcoholism and addiction are front and center.  It seems that addictive behavior means having to say "I am sorry" over and over, until finally, those words are no longer meaningful to those who have been repeatedly hurt by believing them. Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial,  but it is also a disease of regret. As the disease progresses,  the emptiness of what has been lost is filled with regrets, "if-only"s and "could-have-been"s.  There are lots of casualties that occur with addictive behavior.  The truth is probably the first thing to be cast aside and squandered.  Not only does the alcoholic/addict deny the truth to himself, but as the disease progresses, lying becomes a habit.  Most who are active in their disease are practiced at lying in all matters related to the defense and preservation of the addiction.   Evasion, deception, manipulation, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.  The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the alcoholic/addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress. I have heard and read a lot of sharings by alcoholics.  It seems that the disease protects and strengthens itself through being "terminally unique".  I also hear this in Al-Anon as well, from those who are convinced that their situation is different and worse than others.  Being able to reconcile behavior due to special considerations provides an explanation for the preservation of the disease.  The thinking may go something like this:  Under ordinary circumstances and for most people getting drunk  (or nagging) all the time is bad. My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people. I have more stress than most.  I feel anxious and down.  Therefore I need to drink (or nag) because of my special circumstances.  This is delusional thinking.  For the individual in the grip of addiction,  it all seems rational that his circumstances are such that ordinary rules and norms of behavior don't apply to him at the present and must be bent or changed because of his special needs.  It is a charade that is often accompanied by a promise to get back on track as soon as the "right" circumstances permit.  This is the mindset of those who make promises to "quit drinking when my mind quiets down" or who say, "I have to drink because I have so many problems and can't cope", or that "I have the right to be angry because I live with a drunk." The behavior of being "terminally unique" is not believed after a while by anyone.  The same old song and dance over and over strains relationships.  It doesn't take long to reach the conclusion that the alcoholic/addict isn't to be believed in matters pertaining to his addiction.  I heard a lot of times that "this is the last drink".  It may be well-intentioned at the time but eventually the old behavior would return, the "terminal uniqueness" would take hold, and the excuses and alibis for continuing to drink would come up. This behavior repeated over and over does a lot of damage in relationships.  At the time, the promises seem sincere and probably are.  But as the promises are broken time and again,  the hope and joy gives way to bitter disillusion.  I think that Lois W. explains this well in her book about how she lost hope and was bitterly disappointed by Bill W.'s relapses.  How many times do family members ask: "If you really love and care about me, why don't you stop what you are doing?"  And most of the time the answer back is another promise to do better, or as the disease progresses, the alcoholic will point out the faults of those who are nagging him to stop.  This is the "the best defense is a good offense" maneuver.  The alcoholic thinks of himself as the victim of the unfairness of the family who are nagging about his drinking. The family may start to feel crazy with feelings of self-pity, resentment and fear.  Relationships totally collapse in the downward spiral of mistrust.   Those who keep trying to preserve a relationship with individuals who are in the throes of progressive addiction come to feel as if they are not as important as the bottle.  The "less than" feeling takes hold because the family begins to feel that the addiction is more important than they are.   And at the time, they are right. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are all part of dealing with alcoholism.  Sometimes these ultimatums work at getting all parties into recovery.  Or the pleas will fall on deaf ears. And the delusions continue that "no one is being harmed by drinking"; "I can stop at any time"; "drinking is necessary to deal with the crappy circumstances of life". Those who express concern are to be avoided and are often criticized.   Sadly, those who care about the alcoholic the most begin to feel crazy as the disease progresses.  Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame are just some of the feelings of those who live with active addiction.   Fear, anger, confusion and depression often result.  None of this is pretty.  There are times that I need to remind myself just how fortunate I am to have gotten help before I became a casualty of alcoholism.

Being in touch

I heard a fifth step of a fellow I sponsor today.  It is one of the joys of sponsoring to be trusted and to trust.    I sit in meetings and listen to people who are still in a lot of pain.  They don't have a sponsor and are trying to recover from the affects of someone else's drinking by going to meetings.  There are no musts in Al-Anon,  so a person doesn't have to have a sponsor to work any step. But I believe that it certainly helps.

I asked someone to sponsor me within three weeks of being in Al-Anon.  I found a person who has a sponsor and who shared his experience to guide me through the steps.  Having a sponsor has helped bring a whole new dimension to the program and to myself.  I know that I would not be where I am today without my sponsor.  I stay in touch with him just about every day.  I care how he is doing, and our relationship is important. We are friends.

Mary Christine had a wonderful post today on sponsoring. She writes: "In my relationship with my sponsor, we talk as old friends. There are times when I ask her for help or her opinion. Other times, she has asked me for mine. She has been my sponsor since I was sober 10 years, so it is now 17 years. She is now aging - as if I'm not! She is not quite the person she used to be. But she is my beloved sponsor, and always will be.......And then there are others... the relationship never moves beyond the take and take. Or the give and give."

I spend a lot of time with those I sponsor.  I make myself available.  It is all part of the commitment.  I have to say that I don't hear from many that I sponsor unless there is something wrong.  I give them a call and occasionally get together for lunch.  But sometimes I simply wish that they would call me and ask how I am doing.  None of us is without moments of fear and doubt and loneliness. So I guess what I am saying here is to realize that each of us likes to hear a caring voice.  Stay in touch with those who have touched you. Recovery is about reciprocating and giving back what has so freely been given to you.

Why I need to have healthy boundaries

Most of us who come to Al-Anon build walls to hide the pain of a life with alcoholism.  I started building those walls when I was a kid, trying to cover up my shame and creating a fantasy world through reading and walling myself off from the dysfunction.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had only some broken down fences with which to establish boundaries for myself.

When I first heard about boundaries, I knew that I had breached many with a lot of people. And I had no good idea how to establish those that I needed to take care of myself other than by isolating. By admitting that I was powerless over others and accepting that I could not make anyone do anything, I have gradually learned that a healthy boundary is one that I can enforce.   It isn't one in which I ask the other person to establish the boundary for me.

I can remember warning my wife before going to parties that we would have to leave if she drank too much--as if that had any affect on her.  I couldn't control her drinking.  I couldn't make her leave.  What I realize now is that a good boundary would be saying, "I'm going to leave".  That is a boundary that I can stick by.

Broken down fences are like broken down defenses because I'm left vulnerable to whatever may decide to jump, slide under, or glide through the fence. And I've had to shore up my boundaries with those who are potentially "toxic". 
It's a familiar thing in Al-Anon. How to deal with someone in our life who is causing a great deal of pain? Detaching with love and setting boundaries are good ways to do that.

I realize that people who don't have a positive input into my life can be draining.  I have to decide what is best for me.  This is not an easy solution but one that I have come to understand by putting my best interests first.  I simply don't have much time for those who are selfish and think only of themselves.

In the past, putting the needs of others first and mine last has done a lot of damage.  I now look at damage limitation  because my energy resources are low, my physical resources are limited, my emotional resources have been battered and I have been beaten down so badly for many years.  I have to be kind to myself so that I stand even a chance to recover from the affects of alcoholism and find some quality in my life.

So I have learned that I do not have to take on the whole world's needs before looking to my own. Others forget I have needs, because I have not shown them I do.  I would be strong regardless of how bad I felt.  I thought that not being otherwise would leave me vulnerable.  I now know that I have a right to have needs too.  I do not surround myself with totally selfish people who have no thought for me except to use me to make themselves feel better or as a sounding board for all they cannot cope with, with no regard to what that does to me.

I got to the point before the program that I didn't like hurtful people in my life, but I also didn't know how to get them out of my life or how to detach from them. It has taken me a while to realize that I don't have to like everyone nor do I have to stick around those people who have the potential to be harmful to me. I used to try to ignore them but found that it's hard to ignore the elephant in the living room. Turning the other cheek never worked because I would just get slapped on the other one. And I don't wish to be a martyr. Now, I'm done with people that I don't want to be with. I inventory myself and make a decision on whether I want the drama or the potential of a serenity "breaker".

"In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence." Thomas Merton

Curious about living

Not a lot happening here.  The heat index is around 110 F, but the breeze on the water helps a lot.  Last night, it was actually comfortable sleeping on the boat which does not have any AC.  We went to eat sushi which was excellent, and got groceries for the rest of the weekend on the boat.  It is a treat to go out to eat a couple of times a week.  I know that we could save a lot of money if we didn't, but it is just a special treat that we both enjoy.

Today I heard that Amy Winehouse died.  Another young person dead before getting to really live much of life.  Or at least not enough of life for me.  When I was 27, I was finishing up my Ph.D. and totally immersed in my work.  I didn't have time to think about much else.  We were just married and both of us were so busy.  I realized that there was so much more to do in life than what I was doing at the time. But I had a goal and persevered with school and work to see so many really cool things. 

I am grateful that we both have lived to be here today.  Maybe some people are just tired of living.  I am not.  I hope to still have a zest for life no matter what my age or state of health.  I am still curious about what is to come. 

Wishing you a good Saturday and endless curiosity about living. 

Mixed bag of feelings

Today has been a mixed bag of things.  It started with my finding a dead baby raccoon.  I saw it last night when I went out to walk the dogs late in the evening.  The raccoon was near the feeders where I put down corn and other sweet feed for the squirrels, raccoons and opossums.  It was staggering around and not acting right. At one point,  the baby flopped over on his side and just laid there.  I thought perhaps it was sick, but thought that I would put out some salmon cat food for it to eat.  Sadly, this morning as I was walking around the house, I saw the little body hanging just over the edge of the watering pool that we installed for the critters during the recent drought. 

Good bye Captain Smith

After burying the raccoon, I came in to read the newspaper.  There on the front page was a story about a plane crash that happened near one of the islands that we go to on the boat.  The aircraft was a flying zodiac, a recreational ultra light.  Sadly,  the two people killed were the captain and first mate of one of the charter vessels that we have seen for several years at our favorite anchorage.  Just this past Sunday,  we waved at each other as he was anchoring near us.  He has an 18 year old daughter and a newborn son.  You just don't know.  One morning you get up, decide to have an adventure doing something you love, and fall from the sky. 

So after all this, I went to a meeting.  And miraculously,  I felt much better.  I think that I am not able to make sense of what happens in this world.  I don't have to.  I just do my best to live each day well.  And trust that there will be another day tomorrow.  As a blogger friend writes with her posts, "Every day matters." Yes, it does.

Blame shifting

Here is another email question that I received:
My alcoholic boyfriend likes to blame everything on me......everything and anything he can think of, and it really brings me down, very down...and eventually leads to further resentment of him...
I have a full bubbling boiling pot or resentment deep in me that poisons me and makes me angry, that leads to me being sad again because I hate being angry and resentful and bitter, which leads to negative thought after negative thought......it's a muck of anger and pain and hopelessness that is cyclic and doesn't go away. I am tied of being blamed.  I am tired of being angry.  Any suggestions?

Blame shifting is one of the most frustrating things about alcoholism.  It is done not only by the alcoholic but also by the person who has a relationship with the alcoholic.  Blaming is really about trying to get away from uncomfortable feelings.  If I blame someone else, then I don't have to look at what I am doing or admit that I am wrong.

In the situation you describe,  your boyfriend can keep deflecting blame back onto you, coming up with excuses why it is YOU or the rest of the world who has the problem, not him.  Blame shifting allows him to stay in his disease, tucked safely in his denial, so he doesn't need to ever work on himself.  One of the biggest hurdles in recovery is humility.  Those who work the twelve steps and are humbled will stop with the arrogant antics of blaming others around them.  

I am able to see the blame shift now for what it is.  Before when I was unaware of my feelings, I didn't know what was happening.  I would be blamed or I would start blaming.  It was an automatic response.  I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. 

Whether a person is alcoholic or not,  I don't think anyone likes to feel cornered or blamed.  The solution is to change my reaction when something bothers me and the blaming is right at the tip of my tongue.  I do my best not to react immediately if something bothers me.  I count to ten,  take a few breaths, walk away for a few minutes.  In short, I let it sit and figure out how I want to approach it.  I used to shoot right from the lip which generally caused a huge escalating argument.  But sitting with the feeling and pausing before reacting is not easy.  I am better at it some days than others, depending on where I am spiritually and emotionally. 

When I have sat with the feeling and something is still bothering me,  I will say how I felt when the event or situation occurred.  I don't say, "You made me feel like crap when......." but will speak about my feelings: "I felt angry when you yelled at me for ..........".  If he shifts the blame to you in the hot potato toss, which is a favorite game that alcoholics and Al-Anons play,  I would walk away and say, "It's how I feel." No further need for discussion. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say. 

Another thing that I have learned is that most of the blaming does not need to be taken personally.  I know that is really hard but blaming shifted to me isn't really about me.  What your boyfriend is doing is HIS to own.  It is his disease talking.  If I realize that I can separate the alcoholics in my life from their disease, then I am not as quick to react.  What I need to do is work on my own shortcomings and get better at detaching from the disease of alcoholism when it is in my face.  Good luck. 

Getting back up

Tonight's meeting was a good one.  A relative newcomer had the topic which was actually a question: How do you get back up when you keep getting knocked down?  There are some days when it is hard to see any sanity amidst the insanity of alcoholism.  The knock downs of the spirit come over and over, we reel in fear and uncertainty,  until a person is eventually sent to their knees.

Getting knocked down over and over will either cause a person to give up or eventually cause so much pain that they stand up and decide that something has to change.  Each person will decide to either live in the problem from now until death or make a decision to seek a solution that leads to a new life.  It is truly our choice.

I think that I was tired of making the effort to pretend any more.  It was very lonely living a lie.  Alcoholism creates a sense of isolation that is pervasive.  There was no one to talk to about what was happening in our home.  The therapists I saw didn't acknowledge the impact the disease had on me. I couldn't talk to colleagues.  The only close friend that I had confided in, decided that he didn't want to be friends anymore.  It was too hard to take that the "perfect" couple weren't perfect. 

Eventually, there are few options left.  For me, the only option was to get away from the stress, drama and emptiness by leaving the relationship.  Just mentioning that was enough to send my wife straight to AA.  And I went to Al-Anon to try to save myself.  I was one of the lucky ones that decided something had to change.  I had no luck at changing the other person, so it was time to focus on me.  Everyday that is what I do: focus on my life, my recovery, my standing up in the face of any number of life's challenges.  

Tonight the newcomer had a simple list of his problems in the relationship with his alcoholic wife.  These were the things that he wrote down while sitting at his desk:

lonely
sad     
depressed
no resepct
no trust
fear                                                                   
wanting love
wanting to trust
wanting respect
memories
reality
no friends

And opposite these, he wrote: "Oh God, please help me."

It is a rough place to be--to realize that we truly are powerless over what others do.  Acknowledging this means choices have to be made.   So we either stay stuck and beaten down or we do something totally out of character--we begin to change because waiting around for the other person to do that or trying to force those changes doesn't appear to be working.  It is what got me back up on my feet--knowing that I had waited too long for something to happen with the other person.  It was time for me to take action for myself.  And what a difference that has made.

Sunday happenings

White puffy cumulus clouds float against a clear blue sky today. It is more like an early fall day than the middle of July. I welcome the respite.

The breeze is still stiff which has kept the small boat party crowd away for the most part. Right now there is a free concert from a yacht with a good guitar player and vocalist standing on deck. He says his name is Jameson from the Market Street Saloon. He is interrupted by a drunk who won't stay off the loud hailer, creating a lot of feedback. Maybe he has had too much Jameson.



Last night the waves were wild. I rowed to shore, taking the old dog for a walk. She was in her element. As we were coming back, there were a group of fellows standing around a campfire drinking beer. I asked if they were camping. They said "No, just drinking on a day off." I heard them get underway around 1 AM. They were having a big ole time. After they left, only the waves and the rigging made any noise.

Heard from a fellow who I met on my trip South on the boat. He wants to have the peace of Al-Anon without going to meetings or working the steps. He will call when things go to pieces with his girl friend. This is his first relationship with an alcoholic.

She is telling him that she needs space. He pulls her closer. She contacted a couple of old boyfriends at 2:30 AM saying it was to make amends. He wants to believe her but is paralyzed by fear of rejection. I tell him I found it helpful to not project but be guarded. I also had to learn to keep the focus on me and learn to have my own interests and hobbies. He is isolating more and more while his girl friend is skipping meetings. I hope they learn to place priorities on things of maximum usefulness to peace of mind. Sometimes we learn first through the school of hard knocks.

Now, it's time to fix some dinner and enjoy the sunset. Happy Sunday from my sanctuary.

On the mend, I think

I was still sick yesterday: Out on the boat feeling terrible. I slept about 15 hours and feel better today. I am still weak but am going to go for a row and walk on the beach. My appetite is minimal, but I did manage to eat an egg with some French bread this morning.

The weather has cooperated to be cool and breezy. We had all the ports open last night and the wind kept up all night. I sat on deck and watched the dolphins around the boat. There were about 30 of them. Most swam in pairs, very close together in a beautifully synchronized water ballet. They came so close to the boat that I heard their breathing as they surfaced. What fascinating creatures they are. I wonder whether they are curious about us. I don't think they perceive the boat and me as a threat.

I watched the dolphins until near sunset. There was no need for fans last night. I even had a light coverlet pulled over me. What a relief from the humid blistering heat of last week!

I am afraid that I have nothing much of interest to write. It feels as if all my energy is going towards resting and forcing down some food. This was a bad virus. I think that just getting off the boat and lying in the sun will help.

It's interesting that I thought perhaps I had something really serious over the last couple of days. I am not paranoid about my health generally. I think about those who live with constant pain and suffering every day. I am fortunate to have some three day "bug" that will go away.

More tomorrow when I am thinking better.

Stormy weather

A day of clouds and showers here, with the extreme heat of the last few days abating. I finally left the house today, very much wobbly from being sick for two days. Summer is not the time for sickness. And I am not a good patient. Patient implies patience. I was getting short on that. My body felt bad while my mind kept thinking of things to do.

So today, I drove to town and to the marina. I felt better as the afternoon progressed. The supplies are loaded on the boat for the weekend. We are planning a little getaway. Just the usual boat stuff of anchoring, going to shore to walk the beach, grill out, and get plenty of rest. My appetite is about nil right now. But maybe the sea air will enhance it. Food always tastes good after a day on the water.

Some friends are heading south for a water festival. It is a floating cocktail party with hundreds of boats and few restraints. We totally opted out of that. I hope their weekend goes well. He is an active alcoholic who is unreliable and she is co-dependent, believing all he tells her. Yet, they put themselves in this situation time and time again with the same unmanageable results.

I will take the peace and relative quiet here. The stormy weather may keep the number of boats down with any luck. Or they may all decide to also head south for the water festival. I hope so.

Sick as a dog

I was truly down for the count last night.  I hadn't felt that sick in a long time.  I am not sure what it was about, but after a night of joint pain and chills,  I feel much better today.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was having heart palpitations and was getting that checked out.  I had the appoinment to have a cardiac calcium scoring done last week.  Luckily,  I live near the city that has the only machine that can do this in the state.  I went to the cardiologist to go over the results yesterday.  It was all good news.  I have no sign of any coronary artery disease.  All the exercise and healthy living has paid off, I guess. 

After the doctor's visit,  I was going to go down to the boat but was starting to feel a headache coming on and my joints were also achy.  The heat index was well over 100 so I decided to simply come home.  From there, I went to bed and had a rough night.  Whatever the bug was, it has moved on today. 

It is going to be around 110 F heat index today.  I am going to take it easy and not go rushing out to do work outside.  The garden was picked yesterday.  But it is so prolific this year,  there is more to pick every day.  The unrelenting heat should abate a little by the weekend. 

I have been reading in the NA basic text.  It is a no nonsense book that cuts to the chase.  There aren't a lot of florid words.  I thought this passage was right to the point:

Before coming to the Fellowship of NA, we could not manage
our own lives. We could not live and enjoy life as other people
do. We had to have something different and we thought we had
found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of
our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had
to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but
most of all we harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept
personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own
problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life on its own
terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly
committing suicide, but addiction is such a cunning enemy of
life that we had lost the power to do anything about it. Many of
us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion
and psychiatry. None of these methods was sufficient for us.
Our disease always resurfaced or continued to progress until
in desperation, we sought help from each other in Narcotics
Anonymous.
After coming to NA we realized we were sick people. We
suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It
can, however, be arrested at some point, and recovery is then
possible.

~~Narcotics Anonymous, Sixth Edition

Me time needed

I am so tired tonight.  I started the day with helping a friend fill out a job application.  He has been sober 21 years but can't seem to stay at any one job longer than two years.  He is hoping to get a job unloading a truck at a nearby store.  I made him a resume and filled out the on line application for him.  Alcoholism took away his most productive years when he could have gotten an education.  Now he is nearing 50 with a sketchy work history.  This is a bad job climate to not be on top of one's game.

The other part of the day was spent taking my mother-in-law to a doctor's appointment.  She lost another 8 pounds this month and is down to 107 pounds.  The doctor was alarmed and insisted that she has to eat more.  After the appointment and lab work up,  I took her to a fast food joint for a combo of hamburger, fries and a soft drink.  It may not be the healthiest thing but when it comes to calories,  it must help.  She said that it was the best hamburger she has had in a long time.  I was glad that she enjoyed her lunch.  It is such a small thing to do for someone.

The evening was spend at my home group meeting.  There were a couple of newcomers in there.  I could identify with a young woman who is an adult child of alcoholics.  She said that she is ashamed of her parents and their drinking.  Oh yes,  I can identify with that.  I remember the anger and the shame.  The feeling that I was not good enough and would never be good enough was so strong for much of my life.  And I understood the desire to be orderly and perfect because nothing else had any order and was far from perfect.  We children of alcoholics understand each other.  She said that her father tells her she will marry an alcoholic.  I told her that she had come to the right place to realize that no one's fate is sealed.  Her journey of discovering herself began when she stepped through the door.  I hope that she comes back.

Finally, it is time to lie down and read a bit of Keith Richard's Life, along with the newspaper,  and a few pages of Narcotics Anonymous.  I decided it was time that I read the NA basic text.  I have read the Big Book of AA many times but have never read any literature from NA.  Someone told me that it was a modern re-write of the Big Book.  I wanted to see for myself.

Me time, quiet time....the best few hours of the day.  Good night all.

A torrent

It rained most of yesterday with a huge thunderstorm bringing torrential rains in the evening. We stayed on the boat at the marina this weekend instead of going out. So we got a great view of the approaching storm.

We were planning to go to an open AA meeting which is also a Big Book study. We just made it to the car before the full force of the storm hit.

In the meeting, the reading was from Bill's story. There is much to learn from reading this. I hear something different every time. Some passages that resonated last night:

"Drink was taking an important and exhilarating part in my life."

"Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons."

"My drinking assumed more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf."

"Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity."

We saw a friend there that was sober for several years but decided to go back out. She said she was back from a 90 day stint in rehab. The pretty M. that used to be was replaced by a bloated woman aged beyond her years.

I hope that this time is the charm for her. We both hugged her, and as we did the tears came in a torrent. Her daughter is getting ready for college. M. is living with her brother in another state because she has no money, no house, and said that she is close to the rehab location. Bill's story is being told over and over in the desperate lives of so many every day. Very sobering stuff.

Would you date an alcoholic?

I get a few emails and admit that sometimes it takes me a while to answer them.  Since retiring, I haven't been as vigilant on checking email as I used to.  It would seem that now I would have the time--LOL--but funny how I seem to fritter away time doing all kinds of things and still stay up until midnight.

Anyway, in an email post, a fellow wrote to ask my thoughts on dating an alcoholic.  First some background,  I haven't "dated" in years.  As a matter of fact, when I first met my wife,  it was at a party, and she was drunk.  Our attempts at dating ended up being non-dates.  We worked as graduate students in the same building, saw each other every day,  so we would just hook up and go do something together.  We attended a lot of graduate student parties where there was a lot of drinking.  By the end of the evening, she would usually be drunk, and I would watch over her.  Some of the greatest times that we had were when we got away from the party scene and went camping on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.  Like Lois experienced with Bill W. when they would hit the road on the motorcycle, getting away from the parties and having a geographic cure were times of peace and normalcy.

When I look back on those crazy years, I see so many red flags.  But I was in love and that does strange things.  Also, I was already co-dependent so I thought that I could change things, protect her, make her happy, and so on.  Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs.  But since we both have been in recovery programs, things have been much better.  I love her and know that she loves me.  Are things perfect? No.  We are both sick people getting well.  There is not much use pretending otherwise.

So when asked whether I would date or be in a relationship with an alcoholic, I have to say that I would not.  I once heard someone say that they would  no more start dating a practicing alcoholic or even someone in their first five years any more then they would have unprotected sex with a rabid streetwalker that was foaming at the mouth.  Funny, I didn't think of any of that at the time C. and I met.

I am attracted to alcoholics because the ones I know are intelligent, funny, spontaneous, and loving. Sober alcoholics who have worked the steps, have a sponsor that they use, have a heightened level of accountability and spirituality. But I also am aware that the alcoholic and I think differently in many ways.  Maybe we each are broken in places that still need fixing.  And eventually those broken parts grind against each other.

My experience would be to take it easy and go slowly....in all relationships.  If you meet someone who sparks something within, take a breath and listen. You may hear something that is really important, like "I got drunk at...." or "I got arrested at..." or  "I hate so and so because blah..blah..." or "I like to party..." or "I'm new in sobriety..." or "I can handle my drinking ."  These would have me signalling frantically for the waiter to bring me the check.  And admittedly, the scariest statement made to an alcoholic might be "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I just pick jerks and assholes. I am like an asshole magnet.  I think my chooser is broken."  Flashing lights, danger alarms, and the Augah sound of a diving submarine should signal to run for the door.  But so often, we choose to ignore what we are told directly because the rules don't apply to us:  "She will change for me",  "I'm different" or "Love can conquer all".  Really?  Ummm....no, what you see is what you get.

But there are some exceptions to the rule out there.  There are people who we meet who get their act together, we get our act together and things work out.  But the big "rule" that seems to be truth with few, if any, exceptions is we pick our mirror.   So if you want to date an alcoholic, then proceed with caution and be aware that you might be like "Forrest Gump" when he opens that box of chocolates.  You don't know what you may get--it could be a box of crazy mixed up nuts and not some smooth center.  It takes practice and a lot of being centered to get the picker tuned up and "stick with the winners".

I've written before that I wish everyone would work the 12 steps. It provides a level of accountability and insight that is so important.  Those who simply go to meetings and say that they are recovered may actually do great harm. The best relationship to have is first is with yourself, the one in which you have your own best interests at heart, where you trust yourself and won't compromise yourself when you see a red flag or a boundary that is broken. 

Trust yourself, listen to your flags, triggers, intuition, feelings and issues.  With awareness, loving kindness and forgiveness, you can change what no longer supports your beliefs about life.  Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love and it's not healthy.  Accept your limits, know them and state your boundaries.  If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is still a duck regardless of how dynamic and charming it is.

Dating someone in recovery can be boiled down to this: The Odds are Good, But the Goods are Odd ~~Anonymous

Unrealistic expectations

Some times I go to an Al-Anon meeting and I don't hear what I think I need to hear.   That happened to me last week.  I went to a meeting where one of the members was being critical and controlling.  It bothered me.  In fact,  I held onto the resentment for the better part of four days.  It was there over the weekend, turning over in my mind to diminish the otherwise happy holiday. 

And then last night,  I walked into a meeting in which I heard what I needed.  I didn't want to go to the meeting last night.  I was tired from the weekend.  I lay down on the bed and thought about taking a nap, yet I had the nagging feeling that I needed to get to the meeting.  So I threw on some pants and a shirt and went.

When I was walking to the door,  a lady that I know came up to me and said that she needed to hug me.  She started crying and said that her favorite brother had been taken off life support and was likely already dead.  Her tears and words made me realize that nothing is coincidental.  Sometimes I come to meetings with unrealistic expectations.  But if I come with my various needs and problems,  I can be assured that there will be someone there who will share words that will help me to get back on the right path, if I choose to listen.

My ego can block my ears and my heart.  I will instead spend time on judging and being critical, rather than focusing on compassion and acceptance.  Just because someone may not be doing things the way that I think they should be done, does not mean that I have to take their inventory and build a resentment.  It is easy to be critical and harsh.  That is what alcoholism has done to me.  It makes me want to isolate, blame others, and feed me lies about how I know more than others.

I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.  I have nearly walked out of several meetings and actually did walk out of one.  I was mad at Al-Anon and mad at the stupid people in the meeting.  Thankfully, last night  I was able to get back on track with a good meeting on Step Seven.  I decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room.  I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting.  I got what I needed and walked out with a lot of gratitude.

It is good for me to have a lesson in humility.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and how I think things should go.  All I have to do is show up,  have willingness,  and an open mind.  I realize that the right people have been put in my path to help me to accept the hugs and have the experience of loving kindness.

A photolog of July 4th

Just a few photos of the marina picnic and fireworks.  It was a good day, although we were tired when it was done.  And amazingly, all was quiet by midnight.  I think that all the rockets had been spent, all the food eaten, and the drinks finished off.  

Time for bed now.  I am reading Life by Keith Richards.  It is quite good.  What a life and a lot of miles:
On doing drugs: 
"I think your persona, your image, as it used to be known, is like a ball and chain. People think I'm still a goddamn junkie. It's 30 years since I gave up the dope! Image is like a long shadow. Even when the sun goes down, you can see it. But it's no exaggeration that I was basically living like an outlaw."
On quitting drugs: 
“most junkies are idiots. That’s really what finally turned me around. We’ve only got one subject in mind; which is the dope.”
On dying: 
"I don't want to see my old friend Lucifer just yet. He's the guy I'm gonna see, isn't it? I'm not going to the Other Place, let's face it."
On fame:
"Fame has killed more very talented guys than drugs. Jimi Hendrix didn't die of an overdose, he died of fame."
His mother's dying words:
"You're out of tune."

Good night.

Some things to ponder today

I am glad that no one I love so far today has ended up face down on the pavement. Having a fifth on the fourth isn't going to make anyone happy.

I often obsessively pursue feeling good, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

When I was a newcomer, I didn't think I had any obsessions until I started thinking about it. Then it was all I could think about.

The good news is you get your emotions back; the bad news is you get your emotions back.

Women (or men) in Al-Anon can find men (or women) that the police can't find!

I didn't hesitate to call the police last night when some drunken loonies were shooting flares at several boats in the marina. It got quiet after the police arrived.

I've never understood why the Fourth of July has always evoked images of drunken barbecuing and massive parties. It has a lot more meaning than grilling hotdogs and drinking beer.

That being said, we are going to a community dock party tonight with a barbecue followed by the biggest fireworks show in the city.

I'm sure that it's going to be a zoo on the water. The marine law enforcement staff will be out patrolling and looking for people that are too impaired to operate a boat. I am glad that I am at the marina and not out on the water with hundreds of other boats.

Photos from the evening festivities will be posted soon. Enjoy your day and stay safe.

Signs of summer

Here are some of the signs That I have seen of summer today:

• A pair of lost sunglasses on the beach, along with a Pittsburg Steelers ball hat.


• Lots of dog hair on just about everything including crackers and cheese that I am having for a snack.

• A used condom hanging on a piece of driftwood (LOL) on the front beach.

• Formulating a portfolio of summer photos that includes the lost sunglasses, the ball hat, the condom, and a pair of my shorts.

• About 50 boats with lots of crazy partying and drinking at the anchorage.


• Unbelievably bad music playing from every boat--and I mean really baaad.

• Lots of see and be seen people--dancing, screams, and cruising by in everything from skiffs to sixty foot charter boats.


• Having the Grey Poupon on deck in case some one asks.

• Afternoon thunderstorms that bring relief from the heat and hopefully will chase the partying boaters and their baaad music away.

Hope that you are enjoying your summer day. We are grateful for a break from drama. And yes, we are in a "living is easy" kind of summertime mood today.

Being a loving mirror

I heard the idea of being a loving mirror in a recent meeting. I related to the story told about a wife whose alcoholic husband would go straight to a bar every night after work. Because most of us hang onto the idea that a change of heart will occur for the alcoholic, she would nonetheless be waiting up for him each night with dinner made, long past midnight.

They had a routine. He’d walk in, drunk as could be, and she’d get angry, telling him about what an unreliable asshole he was. Then, the next day, she would be the hostile martyr regarding his drunken state of the night before. He, in turn, would respond with the appropriate remorse and promised to come home straight from work.

Of course, she would believe him, make dinner, and he invariably wouldn't show. So she stayed up with a plate of cold dinner and a huge chip on her shoulder, waiting to scream again. This is the classic example of the awful dance that so many of us do with the alcoholic. The repetition of this insanity hit me hard because it is so similar to what I did with the punishing silences and the desperate belief that I could change someone else.

But the story doesn't end here.
After going to Al-Anon for awhile, the wife decided to change the routine. She made a decision to begin living by the serenity prayer. In her life, this meant accepting her husband as he was, without judgment or resentment, and changing her actions and reactions to his behaviors.

So she made dinner and set the table as usual. When her husband didn’t come home in time to eat, she serenely sat down and ate her meal. Afterward, she put his food away, cleaned up the kitchen and went to an Al-Anon meeting. When she came home, she read a bit, relaxed, and went to sleep.

Imagine his surprise, when he came home, drunk as ever, to a quiet home and a sleeping wife. When he nudged her, she just said, “Hi honey. I’m sleeping. Hope you had a nice evening. There is food in the fridge. Talk to you in the morning” and went back to sleep.

The next day, he woke up to a wife who was pleasant and cheerful. She was looking forward to her day. He was no longer the center of her conversation or concern. She didn’t ask why he had been late or try to extract promises from him for the upcoming evening or say anything sarcastic.

Instead, she talked about what a lovely day it was. She wished him a good day at work and told him she was looking forward to seeing him at the end of the day. When he asked her details of his behavior the night before, she simply described what had occurred: "I made dinner, you didn’t make it home for dinner, so I simply put it away for you and at bedtime, I went to sleep". Of course, he was stunned and confused because he had every intention of coming home and had no memory of how it happened that he didn’t make it. He was also curiously impressed with his wife’s newfound calm in the face of his own erratic behavior…

That evening she made supper as always and set the table. For a day or two, he continued his usual routine of staying out late at the local bar, and she continued to practice being someone who accepted him and detach with love. He would ask her how she could stand his behavior, and she told him she loved him and accepted him as he was, though she was very concerned about what could happen to his health over time, working all day and partying all night. Again, she said all of this with loving concern, not anger, judgment or resentment.

Then, one evening, to her surprise and delight, her husband not only came home for dinner on time, but he stayed home all night and the two of them had an enjoyable meal and evening together.

With that first "normal" night behind them, she continued to stay focused on the present and mind her own business. He no longer had her bad behavior as an excuse to escape to a bar, which freed him up to make decisions based on his own behavior and the reports she had objectively given him about what it looked like.

Interestingly enough, her husband showed up for dinner again and again, and went to the bar less and less. And things only got better from there…

It sounds like a fairy tale. But in reality, such a transformation may occur. It didn't exactly happen that way for me. But I realize that I can be the change that I would like to see in another. I can be a loving mirror.