Feelings sometimes feel like facts

I hear the statement that feelings aren't facts at meetings frequently.  But as was shared in the meeting last night: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having my feelings”.  And that surely is okay because for so long emotions are often repressed around alcoholics.  They are repressed until they boil over in anger and resentment.  So feelings are a good thing.

But where does the phrase "Feelings aren't facts" come in?  To me this means that some of my thoughts are really fabricated projections and aren't based on reality.  It is easy for me to relapse into the old way of thinking that involves blame, judgment, obsession, and even dislike. My thoughts can either be ones that are distorted, based on unfounded assumptions and negative projections or they can be ones that bring me pleasure, comfort, peace, and acceptance.

The feelings that I have had which were counter-productive to recovery were those in which I blame myself for what I perceive as a slight by another: "If only I had said something different, the person would like me."  And usually if I stay in that frame of mind long enough, I get around to twisting those thoughts of blaming into having angry thoughts about others:  "I don't deserve to be treated this way.  This person is a royal pain."

I have to smile at these little internal rants that so quickly can take over if I am not careful.  And these can occur whether I actually know the person or not.  It may be a perceived snub from someone on line.  Or it may be someone I know who was busy and didn't say Hello.   These thoughts happen instantaneously based on the old fears of abandonment, rejection, and criticism that happened in the past, mostly in my family of origin.  It is the child within raging against all kinds of perceived slights.

So when these unhealthy and negative thoughts come up,  I take time to sit with them and look at them from an adult perspective.  Are these thoughts really true or are they some dregs from the past that can poison my present?

What I have learned in Al-Anon is to speak my true thoughts to myself.  I see if they are real, based on the facts in front of me.  If they are just something that I have invented based on the old painful stuff from the past,  then I need to look hard at whether I want to believe that these emotions fit the current situation.

I don't want to live in emotional drama in which my thoughts are based on hating others or myself.  I believe that I have a choice about what thoughts to accept as true and which ones are fueled by my past experiences that go all the way back to childhood.  I am glad to realize that not every thought that comes into my head today is valid.  Not everyone is out to get me or be a jerk.  In fact, I think the opposite of that by thinking that most people are truly good and well-intentioned.  If I take the time to think clearly without reacting,  I get along with my fellows better, am more mature in my outlook, and see other points of view that I might not have even considered.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. ~F. Nietzsche

Adventures

All was quiet last night when I got back to the dock. I talked to friends in other states who had cell phones. They have no power but had little damage from Irene. Although things were uneventful here from the storm, there was nonetheless adventures and drama.

The rip currents were strong this weekend. Friends came over in their dinghy to visit while I was at anchor. They are engaged and wanted to get back to their boat to talk wedding plans. I advised them to stay for a while until the ebb tide slacked a bit.

They opted to take the dinghy back to their boat. Beth tried to grab their boat, slipped on the ladder, and fell out of the dinghy as it sailed away. Her fiancé, Bob, yelled for me to go help her. When I got to their boat, she had her leg caught in the ladder and was barely able to hold on. I got on the boat and pulled her on board. She was badly shaken, convinced that she would have drowned.

After making sure she was okay, I rowed my dinghy to shore where Bob was. We walked both dinghies up the shore so that we had a better chance of getting to our respective boats in the fast current. Bob had no oars and took off sailing the dinghy. He grabbed hold of his boat but the current and wind tipped the dinghy over and it capsized.

He and the dinghy were being swept around the point and out into the harbor. I went after him, caught up to him and threw him a line. I tried rowing against the current, towing him and his dinghy. I made no headway and told him to let the capsized dinghy go. I was then able to row to shore with Bob in tow.

We stayed on the shore, waiting for the ebb tide to slack. We talked and got around to talking about all the drinking that happens on boats and on the beach. He told me that he quit drinking because it almost killed him. It turns out Bob goes to AA and has been sober five years. We passed the time talking about our experiences and how we were both brought to our knees for different reasons.

After a couple of hours, we walked down the beach. There was a power boat near the beach, and three people were standing on shore. It took me a while to realize that the two men and the woman were naked. I don't know if Bob recognized that or not, but he asked if they would mind giving him a ride to his boat.

Later, he called me to tell me he was safe aboard and to thank me for saving their lives. He said the people in the boat asked him if he knew they were nude. He said he figured it out but was glad for the ride anyway.

I was in the right place at the right time and then my HP threw in a bit of humor. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Truth is often stranger than fiction.

PS: And to add to the strangeness, I had dinner with my sponsor after my home group meeting tonight.  We ate at a the Little D, which is a Chinese restaurant out in the country.  I was telling my sponsor the story when we heard chuckling at the table behind us.  The fellow sitting there turned and said, "I was one of the naked fellows that gave your friend a ride back to his boat." As he walked out, he shook my hand and said, "Be safe."  Call it cosmic energy or something, but it is all too weird and surreal.  

Riders on the storm

No, I wasn't crazy like these people who decided to go out in a small boat as the hurricane passed offshore. Instead, I took the boat out of the marina yesterday to head upriver to a creek for safe anchorage.

The waves were running about 4 feet in the harbor but the further upriver I went, the less wave height there was. The winds kept up all night, shaking the boat, and ruffling the canvas dodger and bimini. I was grateful for a good anchor and chain rode.






This morning, the wind is still strong but is supposed to subside later today. My thoughts are with all who are being affected by the hurricane. Having been through Hugo, I can say that it isn't fun. Loss of power for 23 days was the worst part for us because we were south of that storm. The tree devastation and loss of life and homes was terrible for those only 40 miles away.

Later today, I am going to head back to the harbor and anchor up at the usual spot near the beach. It is supposed to be hot and in the low 90's. A bit of breeze will be appreciated since the mosquitoes will likely be out after the rain over the past two days.

I am going to take a nap after a breakfast of shrimp and grits. Take care if you are in harm's way. Be safe.

We are not who we used to be

So many sad people at the meeting last night were having trouble with alcoholic husbands and children. Tears were flowing and the Kleenex was flying.  There is nothing like newcomers to spark up a meeting.  So we talked about being powerless which is something that I need to be mindful of.  It's so easy to take my power back when I think that someone else needs to take action. 

One lady shared about her alcoholic husband who went to rehab after the family did an intervention which drove him to have an affair.  So now he thinks that she is an interfering bitch, doesn't want to talk to her, has moved out and is living with his lover. Whew! What a tangled web we weave in our co-dependent unmanageability.  She is crying because she wants him back, especially the man that he used to be.  I wonder at the wisdom of wanting someone at any cost, even when that person does not want you.  There is no logic to what happens to those who live with alcoholism.  Self-respect and self-esteem are so low that most of us are willing to settle for a few crumbs of affection. 

I see how far I have come.  I see myself where that woman is: willing to sacrifice myself, do anything, to get the person back.  It doesn't work.  The person who was the one we married or gave birth to or who gave birth to us is not the same.  No one is the same after alcoholism enters the picture. We become different people and if we are lucky enough to get into recovery, we learn to love who we are.  Because of recovery,  I think that I am a better person.  I hope that the newcomers stick around long enough to see the miracles happen in their life. 

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
- Havelock Ellis

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
- Lao Tzu

Willing to go to any lengths?

I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet up with a fellow that I sponsor.  We are working on being entirely ready to have God remove his defects of character.  This sixth step is about being willing.  And being willing is what seems to have been a great asset in my recovery.

Will is a strange thing.  For me,  I had run things on self-will.  I was a willful kid for sure.  My father used to tell me that I was strong willed.  I suspect that meant that I was a pain in the ass at the time.  I found that in later life my will was more about having my way and feeling that I was entitled to feel angry.  After all,  I was married to an alcoholic which seemed to give me the right to feel bad and place blame.

I was also willing to tell my wife what to do, how to be happy.  Just do what I say and all will be okay.  I thought that all my problems were because of her.  Not once did I really look at what I was doing.  And if I did, it was just for a fleeting moment so that I could get back to being a victim once again. 
 
When was I willing to go to any lengths?  It was when I my pain finally wiped out my self-management delusions.  What I was doing wasn't working.  My wife wasn't getting sober.  I was miserable.  Nothing was working for me, except work itself.  And there I could tell others what to do and have things neat and orderly.

So complete and utter desperation brought about my being willing to do something different and believe that something that was beyond what I was doing might be a better solution. 

And once I was willing to reach out,  I had to take some actions.  I had to stop pretending that I had things under control.  I had to be honest with my sponsor and others.  I had to be the person that I really am, rather than the person that I wanted others to see.   Being authentic is not easy for me, but I gradually began to share my own weaknesses, to be honest about my feelings.  And the miracles began to happen.

So I ask those that want me to sponsor them, "Are you willing to do the work?"  Sometimes the answer is a strong "YES".  And sometimes, even saying yes and believing it is followed by "It's too hard" or "I have trouble trusting".  Some are willing to do some things but aren't willing to go to any lengths.  Caveats often are the rule rather than the exception, unless I'm willing to go to any lengths.

I have had to ask myself when I start to falter in recovery:
Am I willing to be open and honest?
Am I willing to stop isolating and actually call someone, extend a hand, grasp a hand? 
Am I willing to stop making excuses about why I can't do something and come up with reasons why I can?
Am I willing to break free from what holds me back in being at peace with who I am?

I have found that I am willing to do these things.  And I will keep doing them because I don't want to go back to being the miserable person I was a few years ago.  Yes, I am willing. 

Memory making

We came back to the marina just in time.  A bad thunderstorm hit not long after we arrived.  So we cooked dinner on the boat and peeked out at the electrical light show that was going on.  At last, we were able to make our way home where a good hot shower felt wonderful. The main thing that I miss on the boat is taking a thorough fresh water shower.  The cock pit showers are more about washing off the salt water.  But on a hot day, any fresh water that is cool feels good.

It was a really nice weekend.  Once again, the magic of being on the water and being surrounded by so much beauty fills me with such gratitude.  These moments are the memories that are stored up for the future when things aren't going quite so well.  They give me something to draw from, like a sip of water to quench thirst.

I am glad that most of the memories are still there for me to turn over in my mind.  And my memory is jogged by the events that I write down in my journal which I have been keeping for years.  When I first began writing, I seemed to focus on the pain in my life.  There was so much unhappiness that I blamed on others.  It was really unfair.  I didn't look at myself and what my part was.  As the years have gone by,  I find a different flavor to what I write.  I don't complain as much and don't blame what happened on others.  There definitely is something very different in my attitude, which I attribute to having a better understanding of myself through Al-Anon.  I have become more aware. 

One of the greatest changes in my life now is seeing the humor in things that happen.  We are easy with each other and spend a lot of time simply enjoying each others' company. We sing, dance, hug and hold each other close.  I suppose after being married for a while that is a good thing.  Sadly, I know that there are people who are living in terrible circumstances related to alcoholism.  Their lives are like a dirge every day.  What is to be gained by staying in a relationship with someone who you loathe?  What is the point of being a hostile martyr?  I know that I could not have continued on another week living with active alcoholism.  It had beat me down to the point that I had nothing good to draw from.  There were no memories that could breathe life back into the relationship. 

Or so I thought.  I find that I don't focus on the terrible things that happened.  I think about the good times that we had camping and fishing.  The love that we had for our first dog who went with us everywhere.  Buying our first house and the dreams that we shared about it.  All these could be picked apart to concentrate on the role that alcoholism played.  But today I am preferring to focus on all those good times.  And it seems that with both of us in recovery programs, there is reasonable probability of the good times that we are now experiencing being the memories that we will hold dear in the future.

Keeping it simple

It has been a relaxing couple of days. I know that I write that a lot, but truthfully, my goal is to de-stress my life as much as possible. I don't do many of the things that I used to do when I was working. I gave up a stressful hobby in exchange for sailing and cruising. I don't hold offices in organizations any more. I am unloading as much as I can and am keeping things simple.





We had about six boats rafted to us yesterday. Everyone brought a lot of food. Quite a few of the members are elderly and had to be helped with care to get on the boat. I am reminded once again of how quickly the years can go by. People who use to avidly cruise are now getting infirm. I am doing my best to make the most of every day.



Today the ice cream float came to the beach near where we were anchored. It had a tinkling bell that every kid recognizes. Every one on the beach rushed over for ice cream. The beach, ice cream, a picnic, and visiting with friends--what a great way to spend the day.

We are staying another night on the boat and will head home tomorrow. Once again the wind and waves are the only sounds. This is sweet sanctuary.

Wild and free

We are anchored behind Kiawah Island which is one of the high end resorts. At one time, Kiawah was unspoiled and held in ownership by a pirate and a couple of other families, including the Vanderhorst family, who held ownership of the island for 200 years. A lumberman purchased the entire island for $125,000 in 1951. Just 23 years later, his heirs sold the property to a real estate developer for $18.2 million. And in 1988, the island's assets sold for $105 million.

The development is not badly done, nor is the island over developed at 3,300 homes. But I much prefer the idea of having just a few homes.

If it had been my island, I would have kept it as pristine as possible. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live on Kiawah when it was wild, to walk the dirt roads, and sit on the beach with no one else around.

But out here on the water, i don't see any lights. Once again, we are listening to the breath of the dolphins blowing out. I can't see them in the dark but can hear them. I lit a citronella candle to discourage the mosquitoes. The breeze is up now which helps to keep them away.

Some friends are bringing their boat through the inlet which has treacherous shoals and breakers. I hope that they don't run aground. We will stay up a bit longer to watch for them, although I am tired after the full day on the water. It is a good Friday night here. Hope that it is where you are as well.

Rain, Pesto, Caterpillars, and Parents

Finally, some cooler temperatures have come to this part of the coast.  There was a front that came through bringing rain and dropped the temperature by 10 degrees.  The garden is about on its last legs.  There are still a few tomatoes, peppers, and egg plants left.  But the other beds have been prepared for fall.  Now, I am waiting on the plants to come in so that I can get them in the ground.

We made some pesto from the basil in the garden.  It was wonderful.  Here is the recipe:

Put hand fulls of basil leaves in a food processor,  add garlic cloves and olive oil and pine nuts.  I don't know the exact amount but put about five cloves, 2 cups of olive oil,  and a cup of toasted pine nuts in the processor.  Then I add in a cup and a half of parsley and about 2 cups of fresh grated Parmesan.  I don't add any salt, but if added it will bring out the taste of the basil.  All of this is then pulsed in a food processor.  Serve it over whatever pasta you like.  Orzo is one of my favorites and makes a nice pesto dish with fresh tomatoes added and shrimp, if you like.  

Interestingly enough, the parsley was mostly eaten by the caterpillar of the black swallowtail butterfly.  I grew enough for the hungry caterpillars who can easily strip a plant in about two days.  But they are so beautiful, and the butterfly that eventually results from the metamorphosis of the caterpillar is also wonderful so I leave them alone as they eat. 

We are preparing for a weekend excursion on the boat.  Some of our friends are going to meet us at the mouth of one of the rivers down south.  It is a longer run for us, but the location seems to have good water depth for anchoring and a sandy beach nearby for walking and exploring.  We will have a picnic lunch on Saturday along with swimming and floating on rafts. 

All is well with the parents-in-law who have decided to hire live in help.  This is a couple who will cook and clean as well as maintain their yard, do the shopping and other errands as well as take them for doctor appointments.  We were both surprised at their decision to do this.  But I think that it is a good one because it will hopefully allow them to stay in their house which is what they want to do.  And it greatly reduces the time we spend cooking, cleaning and doing other errands for them.

The couple are currently in Lebanon where they have managed a large estate and will be coming back to the US in October.  I am hoping that it will work out for all concerned.  I just wonder how the couple will react to my father-in-law's political views which are pretty far to the right.  That will be for them to sort out.  I simply don't stay around when he starts his political rants and running commentary on the news.  "I have to go wash the cat/dog" is one of my favorite lines when the ranting reaches high decibel levels.

Well,  time to go read a bit before sleep comes on.  We both have our piles of books on either side of the bed.  I am mostly through Keith Richard's book Life.  I think that it is interesting but find that he  romanticizes the drug use a bit.  He is definitely not afraid to write what it was like, what happened, and what he is like now. 

Good bye until tomorrow. 

No one is perfect here

I started beating up on myself last night when I went to my Advanced Piloting course.  I hadn't picked up the plotter in about nine months, and it felt like a foreign object in my hands.  All of a sudden,  I felt panic and fear as I was doing a simple refresher exercise.  What if I can't figure this simplest of problems out?  What if someone sees me struggling?......What if I fail?

The instructor said he could see that some of us needed to get reacquainted with the plotting tool.  And indeed, I wasn't the only one who was trying to remember how to orient it.  I wanted to grab my parallel rules, but we are supposed to be using this more accurate device that isn't at all intuitive to me.  So we were supposed to go home and practice with it, doing the exercise until we could use the tool quickly and proficiently.

So far,  I haven't done any practicing because I spent most of the day taking my mother-in-law for a doctor's appointment and lab work.  Then there were things to do when I got home at nearly 3 PM.  I knew that today was going to be a full day.  I wasn't feeling particularly jovial and found myself feeling exasperated and impatient.  Even though I spent almost five hours with her,  bought her lunch and some fried chicken for their dinner this evening,  and visited for a while after I took her home, I still felt like I was a jerk. 

Beating myself up used to be a regular thing.  And that's why the first person on my amends list was me.  I needed to forgive myself for all the guilt and harsh thoughts that I had about myself.  I know intellectually that no one is perfect.  I realize that nothing earth shattering is going to occur if I have to re-familiarize myself with something I haven't worked with for nine months.  But it's my ego that brings up the voice inside my head that whispers, "You're not good enough."  Those old messages are the ones that sneak back to break me down and send me into despair.

So I am writing this down here, "I am not perfect and can forgive myself for my humanness." It is a reminder that I will make mistakes, look foolish, fumble, and struggle.  But I don't have to feel bad.  I can forgive myself and let it go.  And in making mistakes and admitting them,  I align myself more with others.  By being kind to myself,  I can then be kinder to others.

Now I'm going to see if I can plot a course with the plotting tool!

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.  But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.  ~Carl Schurz,  1859


Some of us, observing that ideals are rarely achieved, proceed to the error of considering them worthless. Such an error is greatly harmful. True North cannot be reached either, since it is an abstraction, but it is of enormous importance, as all the world's travelers can attest ~Steve Allen

Year five

I picked up my five year medallion tonight at the meeting.  This is a small group, but it is home to me.  We had the meeting at my sponsor's house which was a special treat.  There were pizza rolls, cookies and sodas.  We had the meeting, ate some snacks and talked. 

Someone asked me if it felt different to have five years.  I said that it really didn't because the peaks and valleys that were so prevalent during the first couple of years have decreased.  Now I feel as if I am on level ground at last, or in sailing terms, an even keel.  There are still days when things can quickly get the best of me, but I don't stay in a downward spiral for long.  I get back on track by doing those things that I have learned help me to get over myself.   

I am going to miss my sponsor when he leaves in October.  He has been a constant in my time in Al-Anon.  Even though he will be far away,  I will still call just as I do now.  I have tried to not dwell on his leaving.  I just appreciate that he is still here for now.  But I know that a void will be there.  I get attached to people and don't like to see them go.  But I have also had to think about having someone locally who can be a co-sponsor. 

I found someone that I am comfortable with.  I have known him in the program for a while.   We talk like friends so I know that we are comfortable with each other.  I don't think that we have defined what we will work on together.  Maybe it will simply be more like having a service sponsor.  Time will tell on that as more is revealed.

Once again, I am up too late.  Tomorrow is a busy day with meeting a sponsee, having lunch with my co-sponsor, and then starting another marine course on Advanced Piloting tomorrow night.  That course will run for 10 weeks.  The last one I took was intense and this one will be no less.  But it exercises the brain and is valuable information that I can put to practical use when sailing.

I'll leave you with some thoughts on worry.  I think Rumi has it about right:

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

It's electric

 

I am very tired.  But it is a good kind of tired.  I've been out on the boat since Thursday evening.  All kinds of weather presented itself--humid, calm,  severe thunderstorms, 35 mph gusts.  There were mosquitoes and biting flies that seemed to take advantage of the calms and rainy conditions.  It was an exciting time.  And it was also a really relaxing time with naps in the afternoon, lots of reading, and some good meals cooked. 

Today there were severe thunderstorm warnings which did materialize into some spectacular storms with lots of lightening against a dark sky.  The same thing happened at anchor last night.  The temperature dropped about 20 degrees and the wind howled.  I like to sit in the cockpit and watch the approach of a storm.  I don't feel afraid, even with a tall mast sticking up high.  Not much I can do except hope that everything is grounded well within the boat.

My fifth Al-Anon Anniversary was yesterday.  The day passed without much mention of it.  I thought briefly about how many changes have occurred in my outlook on life.  I can feel a difference within me.  It is a good feeling of acceptance of others, quiet faith that all will be okay, and not being driven to  strive for perfection.  I regularly give myself permission to have fun which is something that I neglected for too long.  

I will go to my home group tomorrow night, and we will have a small celebration.  Tonight, I am too tired to write much, but I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for another day,  those that I love, and a chance to keep doing those things that bring me joy.  So little means so much. 

Night, night all.

Guides for life

I'm sharing a story posted by a new blogger at Simply Me (http://simplymewithcourage.blogspot.com/). I am sure that she would appreciate a welcome to the blogging community.






__________________________
Dog's Purpose from a Six Year Old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''

The Six-year-old continued,''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
___________________
Words to ponder for sure. I've often wished that we were more like dogs.

Doing for others can hurt everyone

Have you ever done and done for others who you love in hopes that they would stop their destructive behavior?  I have.  I did a lot of doing over the years, but it was seldom about doing for myself.  It was all about doing something for someone that they could be doing for themselves. And that in recovery talk is called enabling.  In the long run, the things that I did made it easier  for the alcoholic to continue in the progression of the disease.

In many cases, enabling means that you cover for the person who is drunk by making up excuses or fixing things when they make a mess. I didn't do that, although I offered up a lot of apologies for the messes that she would make.

My qualifier has always had a great job and has been functional. There wasn't any long-term binges  or staying out all night.  But there would be free for all's at social events or sipping away at home.  I would start to get anxious about going to parties where I would have no  "control" over the other person. What if she gets drunk? What if she makes a scene? What will the people think?  I would work myself up ahead of time, yet I would still go to the party. I had no back up plan.  I would count drinks.  I would whisper, "Don't you think you've had enough?"

None of this did a bit of good.  She did what she was going to do, and I pretended that all was okay.  When things weren't okay, I would make apologies and try to get her to leave.  Scenes from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" come to mind. Not pretty. 

I probably did many other things to enable the alcoholic, over and over again.  I stuck around for years of unacceptable behavior.  And I hear in meetings and on blogs the pain of those who are doing all they can to "help" their loved ones who are deep in their disease.  But is it really helping?

Helping means to me that I am doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing by themselves.  I helped an Al-Anon friend with some online computer forms the other week because he is not knowledgeable about computer forms.  He was happy, and I was happy.

Enabling though is a different thing from helping.  Enabling prevents others from having consequences for their actions.  And the more I enable, the more I am expected to keep enabling.  At meetings, people share about how they feel guilty because they might not be doing enough to stop the drinking or using.  They have spent all their money on rehabs,  bailed loved ones out of jail, hired attorneys, and still there must be something else that they could do to stop the disease.  And the loved one doesn't seem to appreciate any of it.  Instead, they lie, coax, wheedle, deceive, beg, and ask for more.  We then cave in, give more, and then get asked for still more.  The cycle continues.  We are in the dance.

But what are the consequences of all of this?  I now believe that enabling in the name of being good spouses, good parents, good friends is actually hurting and feeding the disease.  The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  And it is a disease that affects everyone around the alcoholic.

Sadly, it can take years, as it did in my case, to realize that I was not helping anyone and was doing great harm to myself and the alcoholic.  Enabling allows the alcoholic to avoid the the consequences of their actions.  Someone is there to bail them out, put them into rehab, give them another chance, so why should they stop?

It really took a major shake up in our marriage for both of us to take notice and get some help. I no longer try to rescue my wife nor do I feel stifled in doing the things that I like to do.  What I now realize is that until the alcoholic's drinking, thinking and behavior becomes painful enough they will not reach out for help. If I try to help diminish their pain then I am really preventing them from feeling that "pain" that would be a natural result of their own actions. I am effectively cushioning their downward spiral and if I make things cushy enough then they won't even know that they fell. If they never face the pain their drinking causes, why should they ever quit?

Some people will say, "Yes, but this is my child. You don't understand."  No one wants their child to fail, be ill, or be hurt.  But isn't that how we learned when we were kids?  My father taught me to ride a bicycle.  I had training wheels and then one day, he took them off and let me ride with a push.  I learned to ride in spite of falling a few times.  But he knew that I had to learn to keep my balance.  If he had held onto me or kept the training wheels on,  I would not have found my balance or ridden.

I am still striving for balance today.  But at least I know that I can fall and get back up on my own. 

More on motives

It rained last night which brought some relief from the heat.  And this morning the raccoons are running up and down their tree out in the wetland.  I have a feeding station where all kinds of animals come to eat. A little doe has been coming to feed in the morning and evening.  She now has started to lose her spots.  It's peaceful to watch the animals and know that they have a safe haven here.

Last night's meeting was on motives and how we are driven by fear, anxiety, past experiences, control, and manipulation when dealing with others.  I don't think that I looked at my motives in a conscious way until about two years ago.  I reacted to situations without a thought of what I was doing.  I have come to realize that my negative reactions in the alcoholic situation were about ego based shame and past experiences. 

Fear for most of us is a huge issue around active drinking. It manifests as nagging, questioning, berating, and outbursts of anger.  Not being able to relax in social settings because I was counting every drink builds up a lot of resentment.  Examining my motives was an extremely powerful tool in discovering why I did what I did and said what I said.   I would blame my anger and sadness on the alcoholic, never bothering to look at what I was doing. 

When I undertook the job of checking my motives and focusing on myself I discovered that my motives were far from honorable.   They were self-serving because I was trying to manipulate others into loving me and being the way that I thought they should be.  I didn't understand this behavior before Al-Anon because I believed that these actions were justified and the tools of survival.  I still slip at times and want to punish instead of let go. 

Self-examination is an important tool. All of the old motives can be replaced by courage, humility, love and compassion for myself and others if I remain aware and willing. 

Hope that you are having a good Wednesday.  So far so good for me.

No experts here

It has been a relaxing day.  We stayed around the house, got a few things done, made some pesto from the basil we grew and took a nap.  It was actually too hot to go outside to do much.  August truly is rough down here.  The dog days of summer for sure.

Tonight I went to my home group meeting.  This little meeting is held out in the country and by water would be close to home.  But driving distance is about 25 miles.  It is a lovely drive though through country roads with trees forming a canopy overhead.

We talked about how none of us are experts in Al-Anon.  There are people in the program who might think that they are, but it is a level playing field where no one sets themselves up to have the answers or give advice to others.

I remember my first meeting where I was told to leave my wife and divorce her.  That sort of advice giving isn't supposed to happen but occasionally there will be a person who seems to have all the answers for every one else.  I am glad that I chose not to listen to the advice, went with my gut feeling to weather the storm, and listened to others who said that making radical changes when first getting into recovery was not a particularly good idea.

What is it about us that makes us want to tell others what to do and to set ourselves up as experts on everything?  Ego certainly comes into play.  And that fear driven need to get attention and to be the one that others go to because their own fear is telling them that they can't make any decisions on their own.  Alcoholism strips away self confidence.  It tells us that we are lost and need someone to tell us what to do.  And there are those who are more than willing to control and take charge. 

I am glad that I now realize that I don't need to listen to the advice of others.  I can listen to their experience, strength and hope which is their honest sharing about what worked for them.  I am not an expert on alcoholism, recovery, or relationships.  I listen to what others have to say, read a lot of recovery literature, and get a deeper understanding of myself through writing and working with others.  I learn from so many people.  And that fills me with a great sense of comfort.

Dreams

Art walk on Friday night was so cool.  ran into some friends and got a chance to catch up.  Downtown was breezy and surprisingly cool.  We only went into three galleries, but there was much to see.  I thought that there was some world class art.  Very inspiring. I feel as if I would like to start painting again.  But I would need to start from scratch.  I haven't done any painting since the early days of graduate school.  I have my old kit but doubt if any of it is any good.  A lot of excuses about not doing it, but there is an awakened passion for doing it.  More will be revealed, I'm sure.

Yesterday, it rained and was a good soaking rain.  The garden is still yielding tomatoes and eggplants. I will get out there and weed this week.  With the raised beds, it isn't as much of a chore as it would be with rows on the ground. 

I went to an open AA meeting last night and Appendix II--Spiritual Experience from the Big Book was read and discussed.  It is no coincidence that the Al-Anon meeting on Thursday was about having a spiritual awakening.  I cannot remember reading Appendix II before.  But reading "Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery" sure says it all. 

I have been having a lot of dreams lately about my wife and my father.  They are both drinking or drunk.  I am looking for them and have to search and search until I find them in a bar.  I have had these dreams before, and they are unsettling.  I awake and shake off the feeling of the dream.  But having these dreams night after night up until this weekend suggests anxiety in my subconscious. 

And there are other dead relatives in these dreams as well.  All sitting around or walking in and out of rooms. What are they trying to tell me?  One morning I awoke and thought, "Is this the transition to death for me?".   I don't think that it is, but such dreams are so real that they are unsettling.  I remember my mother telling me a couple of days before she died suddenly about her dream of dancing with my father.  Her dream was a happy dream, filling her with delight.  These dreams of mine were not happy but filled with angst and seeking.  I am glad that for now, my dreaming mind is free of them. 

We are off to do some things about town.  Maybe we will go to see a movie about the loggerhead turtle later.  The day is ahead, and it appears to be full of promise.  Hope that yours is also.

Friday thoughts

Lots to do today.  We are going to the art walk tonight which happens on the first Friday of every month. Lots of local talent in various galleries.  Gas lit street lamps and cobblestones.

The heat wave continues.  Yesterday, the heat index was 122 F.  There was a breeze, but it was packed with heat and humidity.  Maybe the tropical storm will send some rain and cloud cover this way.

The meeting topic yesterday was on having a spiritual awakening.  Mine came gradually--no lightening bolt moments.  I do believe Step 12--"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps....."  As a result of the steps, not as a result of going to meetings, reading books but actually doing the work with a sponsor who has a sponsor.  Now I know that the "Ah-hah" moments are not coincidence but my HP working.

Trying to figure out what to do during the day this weekend to beat the heat while staying on an un-airconditioned boat at the marina for the night.  Maybe Barnes and Noble or the public library to sit and read, or a movie.  I am sure that something will come up that will be a solution. 

Working on information on horseshoe crab to share in an article.  Fascinating critters that have been around for millions of years.  And we humans could not do without their blood from which is extracted cells that are used to test for bacterial contamination in medical devices and injectable drugs. Horseshoe crab blood coagulates in the presence of minute quantities of gram-negative bacterial endotoxins. Known as the LAL test, it is currently the worldwide standard for screening medical equipment for bacterial contamination.  No other known procedure has the same accuracy as the LAL test.  I hope that they remain with us in spite of our using their blood and messing with their habitat.


Have a good Friday.  I am off to start my day.

Five year celebration

The house is quiet now from all the laughter and happy dinner conversation.  My wife's home group came by for dinner before the meeting.  It was a good time.  One of the people here was a fellow I sponsor who is also in AA.  He had not been here before and so enjoyed walking through the house and checking out the property.  And another lady came who is also in one of my Al-Anon groups.  She is much loved by us and said that she feels the same way about us.

I was away for much of the day taking my mother-in-law to a doctor's appointment.   She has lost another four pounds and is down to 103 lbs.  All else was good with her.  She complains about my father-in-law and how grouchy he is.  But after 6o+ years of marriage,  I don't suppose there is much that can be done about that.  On the way home, I stopped to get barbecued chicken, hamburgers and french fries for the parents' lunch.  We cook for the parents three days a week in hope of fattening them up.  How much of it they actually eat is out of my control.  They will get some of tonight's meal which was exquisite. 

C. had been cooking for most of the day which is something that she enjoys.  She made her special white clam sauce over linguine,  a red sauce with Italian sausages and meatballs over spaghetti, insalata caprese, homemade foccacia, and macadamia brownies for dessert.  Several people said that all the birthdays need to be celebrated here.  My Al-Anon friends said that I should host a retreat right here at the house with break out groups.  I thought of Lois and Bill--LOL. 

I am so glad that we can share the laughter with these friends.  To think that five years ago,  I was filled with so much fear about whether she would really "stick" with AA.  I remember that she cried when she got home from that first meeting.  We were still so far apart emotionally at that time.  The resentments, fears, lack of trust were all so strong.  I had yet to walk into an Al-Anon meeting.  That would come on August 13.  In the meantime,  C. went to as many meetings as she could find.  But the welcome she received at that first meeting stirred something within her.  I am grateful that she got to where she is today by getting to where she needed to be then.  Thank you, AA.

The turning point

Things have settled down today.  Thank you for your kind comments.  They mean a lot. 

My mother-in-law was checked out at the hospital and released.  Nothing was broken or damaged.  She was happily eating a hamburger after she got home. 

My wife will celebrate five years of continuous sobriety tomorrow.  She is having some AA friends over for dinner.  And she is feeling better.  She has suffered from depression most of her life.  It has not been crippling but nonetheless it has been there.  In graduate school, before I met her, she was hospitalized for depression.  She does take prescribed medication which has helped.  I believe that the stress of dealing with aging parents on top of the trauma of a heart attack has been difficult.  But she is cheerful today and looking forward to cooking dinner for her AA friends. 

We are going to lunch today.  I bought her a card yesterday for her AA birthday.  I am grateful that we both found a new way to live that doesn't involve arguing, blaming, self-pity, and resentment.  Five years ago today we were mired in those sick feelings, and I was ready to call it quits on our marriage.  She would get drunk that afternoon, screaming and crying.  I would feel sick and tired of the loneliness and the repeated horror show.  I know that five years ago today was terrible.  I believe that neither of us wanted to do what we were doing.  We simply didn't know there was another way.  Yet, we were on the cusp of something wonderful. We just couldn't see it then.

I am grateful for being together and growing together.  I love her.  I realize that it takes strength to get through the rough waters.  I am glad that we rode out the storms.  There will no doubt be more but all seems calm today.   Thanks for being here for part of the ride.

"We stood at the turning point; we asked for his care with complete abandon..." from Alcoholics Anonymous

Monday--can I trust this day?

I am glad that I had a couple of easy days because today has come in with a double whammy.  My wife has let me know that she feels depressed, and my mother-in-law has just fallen. 

I've noticed that C. hasn't been upbeat lately and has been tired.  But she just had heart surgery in late February so I thought that had something to do with it.  It perhaps does because her doctor told her that depression is common with those who have had a heart attack and subsequent surgery.  Just this morning she said that she is tired of the stress of her parents (after the phone call that her mother fell) and had thought about talking to me about her depressed feelings but thought that the depression would go away.  She rarely talks to her sponsor who is suffering from lung cancer.  I told her she could talk to me about anything because I love her.  She said that she holds things in because that is the "way I am and what I have always done." I hope to have the wisdom to say what is kind and loving because I am worried about her. 

Her mother insists on not using the walker and took a fall on the hardwood floor.  The EMT personnel are there now.  I am heading over there to check up on things. 

It's Monday.  What can I say other than that it is living up to all the Monday cliches.  Strangely, I feel okay because I know that really I am not in charge of what happens. I need to be an ear, a hand, and an open mind.  I believe that I can do that.