What I want

I am starting to get over this cold, although my voice is still hoarse and my chest hurts from coughing.  I'm still planning on taking my sponsor to lunch tomorrow. A few of us are getting together to go to a restaurant overlooking the water. And after having lunch, I will probably take a nap for a couple of hours.

Hopefully, the nap will recharge me enough so that I can get groceries for the boat and then leave for the island anchorage.  It will be another simple weekend of rest, beach walking and reading.

I was thinking about how fortunate I am to be where I am at this point in life.  I cannot think of anything I really want materially.  But there are a few things that I want in the emotional realm:

• I want there to be health and happiness for family and friends that I love.  
• I want to get through the course that I am taking and have more unscheduled time.  
• I hope that my wife and I can spend more time doing fun things together. We both tend to be busy with separate projects.  I would like for us to do more projects and have adventures together. 
• I would like to keep moving forward in recovery and develop a trusting relationship with a local sponsor.  I am finding that looking for a sponsor is difficult because each person is different in how they approach sponsoring. 
• I want to find the tribe of people with whom I feel comfortable. I know a few people who I enjoy being around.  I am hoping to find others that will be part of the tribe. 
• I would like to not have Christmas be a big deal this year.  Just being together and having the annual recovery buffet here would be enough.  Brightening up someone else's day is all I want. 
• I am fulfilled in many ways.  I want to concentrate on those positive things.  The glass is half full with me for the most part.  I know areas where I need improvement.  

That's about it for my wants. Pretty simple stuff.  A few of these I can actually do something about.  The rest will be thought about and hopefully realized at some point.  I'll leave that up to a power greater than me.  

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ~Steve Jobs

Under the weather and more for Wednesday

I have come down with a cold.  I don't feel so bad but have lost my voice.  I now sound like a deep croaking baritone.  I hope to not let the cold slow me down but coughing all the time is annoying.  It also makes people look at me with a bit of disgust, probably thinking that I am a smoker who is on his last few bronchial cells.

Today I worked at a friend's house on rebuilding his marine diesel engine.  It felt good to get some grease under the nails and on my hands.  He was my instructor for the marine engine maintenance class that I took last year.  We replaced the thermostat, rebuilt the raw water pump, and did some compression testing on the engine.  For the last few hours, I had to use hand signals because I couldn't talk.  I did manage to croak out a "Thank you" for the great dinner they fixed.

After I got home,  I helped put up some of the fall decorations.  Every season, we enjoy changing decorations.  Spooky spiders, fall foliage, rolling eyeballs, and lit pumpkins are some of the fun things that we use to decorate for fall.  Here are just a few photos of what we do:

Pumpkins are put outside and inside the house. 

This eyeball lights up when you roll it around. 

Pumpkin lights are fun in one of the garage windows. 

And who wouldn't be scared of this!

I'm not sure who gets more of a kick out of this: the wild animals or me.  I don't know what the deer and raccoons think of the skeleton.  It gives me the creeps a bit.

We hope to go on the boat for the weekend.  The weather is supposed to turn cool on Saturday.  The low may be around 49 F.   I can't wait.  Enough with the humidity and a very hot summer.  I am ready for blue skies, crisp weather, and the smell of autumn.

Well, that's about it from here.  I am going to say good night.  Hopefully,  I'll be a bit more coherent tomorrow.

I will meet you there

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about the difficulty of having relationships with those who no longer seem to be on the same wave length.  People change as a result of their life experiences.  And old relationships that once seemed so steady and fulfilling can become stale.  It is easy then to fall into a trap of resentment.

I think that it's a misconception that having a relationship with another human being means happiness and concordance all the time.  Nurturing a relationship certainly takes selflessness, patience and tolerance, even when I may not feel those things.

I don't want to live in solitude or isolate from others.  Yet, I find that I am often disappointed by people.  That is the risk in human relationships.  Maybe it is a sign of growth in myself that I can see the differences, but equally important for me is to understand more about myself and how I relate to others.  I would like to focus on our similarities, rather than go on a fault finding mission.

I know that I am tolerant of differences in people.  How they look, what they wear, their financial status,  where they live are not important to me.  I have a need to connect with people at a deeper level than what the exterior shows.  When I think about all the people who are in my life today,  I wonder sometimes how well I really know them.  But I do believe that we learn from each other, although we may travel on separate paths.

One of my character defects is having expectations that far exceed the abilities of most humans.  I fall short of my own expectations, so there is no need to wish others to be perfect.  Lessons in patience and tolerance are everywhere in my life today: Listening to elderly people tell me the same thing over and over; frustration with friends who are no longer attending meetings; wishing that others made different choices.  But I don't think the people in my life are here out of simple randomness.  There was something within me that was drawn to others.  I am sure that the attraction I felt for my wife was not coincidence.  The close friends I have are those that I connected with at some deeper level.  The lock and key of relationships fit for a reason.

Although I may be tolerant around those I know superficially, I found by doing my inventory that I had little tolerance for those with whom I loved the most.  My tolerance around the alcoholics in my life was low.  I found fault with so much.  Once I owned up to my part in things,  I was able to see that we learn from and teach each other.

Some of the people who may be the most difficult can be great teachers.  That is something that I struggle with.  There is a fine line between accepting unacceptable behavior and having limits to tolerance.  I do my best not to discount my intuition and reserve the right to be wary before trusting everyone. If a red flag goes up, I had best not ignore it.  Yet, I do believe that it is possible to overcome differences and for us to meet somewhere on level ground.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi

Showing up for Life

I had a really relaxing weekend.  No frantic calls, no problems to solve--just lots of reading, naps, and even a movie.  The rain that fell both days helped to relax the mind.  There is nothing like a rainy day to trigger the snooze button.

This will be another full week for me.  One of the things that I appreciate is that even in my darkest moments, I still showed up at work, for commitments with family--for daily responsibilities of all kinds. One of the things that I didn't do much of was to show up for my own life.  I let the needs of others dictate what I did.  My wife and I worked in the same place, so we saw each other all the time.  When it came to doing things on my own, away from her, I really struggled.  I thought that it was important to be there for them, putting my own interests on the back burner.

Eventually, I realized that I needed some kind of hobby.  I have had a couple of serious hobbies over the years.  Eventually,  they came to be tiring and a burden.  I kept at them because I needed some kind of outlet from all the drama at home and didn't want to be a quitter.  In recovery, I discovered that I wanted to go in a different direction, one that didn't involve being competitive.  And I needed a hobby that would allow me time for quiet contemplation.

I like the idea of showing up for life to do those things that bring me joy.  With the luxury of being retired, I can devote time to the artistic part of me through photography and writing.  And I also can devote time to sailing which brings me immense pleasure in a non-competitive way.

There are many people in meetings who have no outlet to get away from alcoholism.  Sadly, they have no hobbies or a healthy activity that brings them enjoyment.  I once asked a person I know what they liked to do.  She answered, "I don't know. I can't think of anything that gives me pleasure." I know that alcoholism can rob me of just about everything, including my life.

Even if it is a small thing such as walking, gardening, going to meetings, having coffee with a friend, I found that it is important for me to do something that gives me pleasure, that gets my mind off myself and the alcoholic.  It is important that I show up for my life.  Otherwise, what is the point?

Throwing away

Life has settled down once again.  My father-in-law was discharged and so the elderly couple are reunited.  They have managed to make it through so many years of marriage for reasons that few can comprehend.  Their vow of "until death do us part" is one that they practice.

I suppose that I feel the same way.  Maybe it is the co-dependent in me who is not willing to toss away another person when the going gets rough.  Although I was walking out the door due to being fed up with alcoholism, I know that in my heart, I was being torn apart.  I loved another, not because of vows or legalities, but because I truly loved this person that I married.  I knew her worth underneath the alcoholic demeanor.  I knew that she was a good person through and through.  Difficult, sad, stubborn--but still filled with goodness.  I used to tell people that she is the best person I know.  I believe that still.

We are a society that throws away people and things that we no longer want.  We give up way too easily.  Few want to dig deep within themselves to look for solutions.  Thankfully,  I have found a great deal of inner strength in Al-Anon.  I am a solution oriented thinker.  I don't throw away people or animals.  I need to throw away some things in the house but instead I take them to Good Will or give them to the nearby church who finds a way to distribute them to those in need.

I am glad to not be too quick to cast off lines but to contemplate the wind and the current to see how the boat will move away from her slip.  Life is like that.  I don't cast off lines easily.  I weigh circumstances, seek solutions, search within for forgiveness, and realize that each of us is so imperfect.

More will be revealed

I took my mother-in-law for her doctor's appointment today.  In the car, she began to tell me about the tests being done on her husband, who is still in hospital.  I have written here before that he has cirrhosis of the liver.  The doctors are doing a liver biopsy and some other tests as well.

I asked her if she thought alcohol was a factor in his liver disease.  And she opened up to talk to me as she has never done before.  She told me that my father-in-law would go on binges for days.  She said that she has been called every name in the book by him, been yelled at and belittled.  She also told me that her own father drank.  And she said that he did not want her to marry another man who drank.

All of this came as a huge "Ah-Ha" for me.  I could understand her anger over the years, her need for a perfect house,  her changeable moods.  It all made sense to me when I knew that she was a kindred soul--an adult child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.

I have been around my mother-in-law for all of my married life.  Yet, I never had this kind of conversation with her.  She kept her distress from her sister and from close friends.  And she kept it for all these years from me.  Now, I see her through different eyes.  I feel a level of compassion for her that I have for newcomers who arrive in pain.

She has persevered through a marriage of over 50 years, carrying around a secret that so many of us, who are affected by alcoholism, do.  She told me that the reason she stayed in the marriage was because of her daughter, my wife. And that decision no doubt had its ramifications for C.  Probably, what she isn't aware of, is that she stayed for other reasons as well--hoping to change the alcoholic,  fear of abandonment, economic fears, pride, and a host of other emotions that keep us bound in an emotional prison.

I shared with her about my father.  I didn't mention my wife as I won't break her anonymity, even to her own mother.  I told her that I don't know whether my dad was an alcoholic but that I also had a lot of unresolved emotions carried over from childhood.  And I told her that I have learned to detach from the belligerence of others by physically removing myself.  She said that she tunes out her husband's yelling as best she can.

How I wish that she could have gotten into Al-Anon.  The conversation we had  made us both feel better.  As she put it, "We now know something about each other that we didn't before." How very true.  More will be revealed.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours. ~ Melody Beattie

You never know

The best laid plans change.  Not long after I posted yesterday,  we received a call that my father-in-law was bleeding internally and was being taken by ambulance to the medical university.  Once again, the wheels were set in motion but in a different direction.

We visited him,  made sure that my mother-in-law was okay, and brought her home to stay with us last night.  This morning she fell in the kitchen when she was roaming with her walker.  She is okay but clearly she will have to be with us until her husband is out of the hospital.  She is insisting on going home today to do some laundry! Her obsession with having everything spotless is baffling. But it has been her life time obsession.

My wife is struggling today with the stress of aging parents.  I know that she loves her parents but also is dealing with long-time resentments about the past.  She said to me last night: "I am trying to forgive her breaking a plate over my head when I was a kid.  I am trying to forgive my dad for being at a bar instead of my recital and school events. I  have to come to terms with the past."

We each carry a lot of baggage around from our past.  Some of it is very painful.  I trust that she will know when to drop the bags and shrug off the weight of what happened years ago.  Our history can't be undone.  It has shaped who we are.  But reshaping has occurred through something greater and stronger in recovery.

So today I am going to stay as much in this day as possible.  I am going to take care of Mom, check up on Pop, and give my wife some time to rest.  And I am going to go to the boat and work on my class work for next week. I won't forget to take care of myself too.

My wife won't be going on her trip this week.  But things will even out eventually.  You just never know when the bumps in the road are going to happen,  and you have to take a detour.

Today, right now

The fall garden is complete after weeding and planting.  Today, rain is expected which will be good.  The old vines were pulled, all the beauty of their spring freshness withered by the heat of summer.

I am meeting with a man I sponsor this morning.  He is beginning to awaken to the possibilities of less worry by letting go.

In my lifetime, many of my worst fears did come true.  But I don't think that I was helped by worrying about them.  Worry wastes energy and depletes me mentally.  I would rather take action where I can.  And once I have taken appropriate action, I have to let go and trust that I can walk through the fear.

Tonight is navigation class.  I am a chapter ahead because of time spent over the weekend reading and working on navigation problems.  I am still the over-achiever.  This is one of those personality traits that can be an asset or a defect.  Balance is the key.

My wife is leaving tomorrow to visit friends in North Carolina.  This will be her first trip away since having a heart attack in February.  I know that she will have a  good time.  I know that I will miss her.  I cannot imagine life without her.  I would not have said that in the depths of despair 5 years ago.

A young man who I have known since birth has received his Merchant Mariner's document for Master of any ship in any ocean. He has reached the top in his field.  I remember my father opening clams for him and telling him stories of the ocean when he was just a little kid.  Cosmic energy and connectedness is a powerful thing.

I will do my best to be helpful to someone today.  Each life affects so many others, and the actions of one carry on to the next.  I like this quote by Lily Hardy Hammond: "You don't pay love back; you pay it forward".  I will pay it forward today.

We Agnostics

It was another cool, overcast day here.  I was so lazy this morning.  I didn't get out of the v-berth until around 10 AM which is really late for me.  I fixed a good breakfast and then did some engine maintenance on the boat.  It was a pretty ordinary day in a lot of ways.

The open AA meeting last night was huge.  People kept coming until there were about 40 people where there usually are around 15.  It's a Big Book study which is good.  I enjoyed listened to the shares on the chapter "We Agnostics".  I think that the question of a Higher Power is what has kept a lot of people away from Al-Anon.  I remember when I was struggling with the whole Higher Power concept.  Being a scientist, I want facts.  Instead what I found was faith.  I am not religious but can believe that there is something more powerful than me.  And there have been too many coincidences to think otherwise.

I was never too sure about all the religious teachings that I learned as a child. Not much seemed to add up.  But what I like about spirituality is that I simply need to have faith in something and have a willingness to believe.  I am glad that each person comes up with a concept of a Higher Power.  For me, it is cosmic energy---something that connects me to other people and to every living thing.  That connectedness is sacred.  With some people, I feel such a strong connection that it is as if I have known them all my life.  With others, I have to let the layers fall away in order to see who they are.  And be open and willing to not judge.

This is difficult stuff for me.  Yet, I have felt so much peace since I was willing to believe that I am not all powerful.  That was quite a burden to carry for a long time--thinking that I had the power all by myself.  Let me tell you, there is strength in numbers.  I don't have to do any of this alone.  I don't need to power through life without a helping hand,  or without faith.  I can reach out, call someone, share a problem, ask for help.  It is much better than having to always rely on myself for solutions.

I have learned that there are some things that I will never solve.  There are people that I will never change.  And that is okay.  I can let those things go.  I no longer try to figure out everything.  And amazingly enough,  a lot of worry has been removed.

One of the most symbolic ways for me to let go is to open up my tightly clenched fist and laying my palms flat, visualize a release of what I have been trying to control. I may not have the answers for those who are agnostic.  But for me, I have seen enough powerful things at work in life to realize that there are miracles afoot.   I am grateful to have my eyes wide open to all the possibilities.

Falling

Yesterday the temperature changed 25 degrees in 9 hours. It was wonderful to go from the upper 80's to 58 this morning. Everyone, including the dogs, felt refreshed.

We aren't taking the boat out this weekend. Instead, we ran some errands yesterday. I got a much needed hair cut. Then, my wife wanted to get waxing and a


pedicure. She asked if I wanted a pedicure as well. At first, I said "No thanks", but after seeing how much fun she was having with the foot whirlpool and the massage chair, I decided to get my feet done too. It was no big deal, but the women seemed to love it. The owner called us the "cute, loving couple".


Her toes look much better than mine, but my feet feel much better. I especially liked the "cheese grater" that was used to scrape the bottom of my feet. 'Nuff said about that, other than my soles are soft now.

We spent the night on the boat at the marina. I am going to the library today to spread out my chart and work on my assignment for advanced piloting class.

I read in the paper today about how the local bars can be an extension of home. Dive bars are extolled as places where all your friends meet to drink cheap beer. "It is a place you go after work but before you make it home....A good dive bar is like an extension of your home. It is the back room where all the odds and ends are kept." and it goes on to list those bars where you can drink and find enjoyment. I wonder at how just about everything revolves around drinking. The rooms won't be lacking for people I'm sure. And maybe that extension of the home where the odds and ends are kept has an elephant too.

Well, I am off to get a shower and head to the library. Tonight we are going to an open AA meeting instead of a dive bar.

Giving back

I went to the noon meeting today.  It was about the joy of service.  I looked around the table and saw a lot of blank looks.  A lot of people in my meetings come because they want to share their pain.  They want to be rid of the problems in their lives.  "Service?  What's that?"

The more I go to meetings, the more I realize that there are few people who actually get a sponsor and work the steps.  There is no real "guide" for so many who are suffering from the affects of alcoholism in a relative or friend.  What is amazing is that people are helped by coming and listening to the experience, strength and hope of others.  They are getting a message.  It may not be the entire message but some part of the program is helping them.  And today, I think that some got a good message about giving back.

Probably one of the best kept secrets for many people who come to meetings is that helping others can actually help your recovery.  My sponsor stressed service and doing for others.  It was not the co-dependent type of doing that I had done in the past.  Rather, it was about becoming involved with Al-Anon through talking to newcomers,  chairing a meeting,  participating in meetings, and simply doing for the good of the group.  I got to know other members, made friends,  and found that my recovery was helped when I gave something back.

I have moments when I get really weary of taking on more activities/jobs.  I have to find a balance between taking care of myself and doing for others.  I do reserve the right to say, "No thanks" if I am asked to do something when I am feeling overwhelmed with existing projects.  Lately, I have felt overwhelmed with class and family.  So I met with the District Representative yesterday to discuss how best to hand over something that I have done for the district for several years.  I know that it's time to let another person take this work over.

I also get tired when people, who ask me to sponsor them, balk at working the steps.  But I've learned that I can't make anyone do anything.  All I can be is an example of willingness.  I can share what helped me.  And then I have to let the outcome go.  In Al-Anon, I've learned that it is healthy for me to detach with love.

So, if you find that your recovery may be feeling a bit stale, think about getting out of yourself and doing something for others in the fellowship.  It can be an amazing lift to the spirit.

Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does.  ~William James


This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.  ~George Bernard Shaw

What is real

I don't think that I intentionally wanted to paint a rosy picture of what life was like to others, but somehow in the darkest moments of living with alcoholism,  I made up a different kind of life that wasn't real.  I didn't want to let others know what my past had been like or what the present was like either.

I realize now that this was part of what alcoholism does--it makes me want to pretend that certain situations did not occur.  I can remember that I wanted others to think that my life was a neat package.  The pretend life had to be maintained.  But there would be times when it was impossible to put on a smiling face.  What happened at home could be covered up,  but what happened among other people in social settings was not something that I could hide.

People that I hadn't seen for a long time would say something to me about what a party person C. was.  Always they would bring up the drinking to me, as if I had some control over it, or as if it were something to smirk or gloat about.  I felt for so long that what the alcoholics in my life did was a reflection on me.  My perception of building a fantasy life, of lying about how things were going,  could not be maintained because others would point out the truth.  I didn't want to hear anything resembling the truth.

I can remember the resentment I would feel when someone would mention my wife's drinking in a disparaging way.  I would feel a lot of self-pity about my lot in life.  Why did I have to have this burden of living with people who shattered every fantasy?  How could I make others see what a wonderful person I married in spite of the drinking? So no matter what, I did my best to smooth things over, to make sure that everyone thought we were doing just fine,  never letting anyone know when I was vulnerable and hurting, never letting on what happened behind closed doors.  In an effort to hide reality, I lied and made excuses.

Inevitably, as time progressed,  I became more and more angry.  I wished for the death of the alcoholic.  I thought about killing myself.  I wanted a solution that would free me from the torment that I felt.  I still tried to pretend, but the pretending became harder and harder because something within me had shifted.  I felt cornered in a situation which seemed to not have a solution.

I find that the incredible thing about living with alcoholism is that I could not see any clear choices.  Nor could I see the role that I was playing in living a miserable existence.

I think that I began to see how pathetic things were when enough cumulative events happened that I was forced to realize nothing was going to change unless I was the one changing.  It was survival mode at that point.  I could no longer pretend that things were okay.

I knew that I had reached a low point where there was nothing but emptiness inside.  The reality of knowing that the person who I loved was incapable of showing me love hurt.  The reality of knowing that I had turned into a judgmental, pessimistic, fearful, bitter, and self-pitying person also hurt.  I had little joy in anything.  Every task was approached just to get something done. I took on extra work just so that I would be exhausted and not have to feel or think.  That was what the ultimate reality of alcoholism did.

I'm grateful for finally being able to look realistically at my life.  I heard others in Al-Anon meetings talk about what they were going through.  I could identify.  How could they know what I was feeling?  The more I went to meetings and worked with a sponsor, the more I came to understand that I was not unique in how I tried to cover up the truth.  Most of us don't want to face the fact that our lives are unmanageable, that we are not happy, and that something is terribly wrong in the relationship with an alcoholic.

Once the truth is spoken,  a dam of feelings are unleashed.  Fortunately, I've found that the feelings aren't anything to fear.  It is a great thing to be able to laugh at so many things now that used to make me sad.  It does take time to bring that joy to the surface.  But just being able to look at myself and the alcoholics in my life in a realistic and truthful manner has helped me to heal. 

Denial is a powerful tool. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision.

Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are.

Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.

Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.

When we can do that, we will be moved forward. ~ Melodie Beattie

This morning I didn't get up with the sunrise.  I got back to the marina around 8 PM last night.  The moon was beautiful as it rose up in the sky, glowing against the fading pink light and the green marsh.  Heading towards the city,  there were many boats filled with shrimp baiters, trying to fill their coolers on the second day of the season.  I don't know whether we will go this year.  If C. is up to it, we will get out and see what we can catch in the cast net.

I didn't feel sad or vengeful or entrenched yesterday in thoughts of 9/11.  I am sure that if a loved one of mine had died or I had managed to live through the ordeal myself,  I would feel differently.  I know that my thoughts yesterday were about being grateful to be alive and appreciating all the beauty that surrounded me.  I respect the feelings of those who want to cling to the past, no matter how painful it is.  I revisit the past on occasion and find that it is not a place where I want to dwell.

I know that I feel solidly at peace today.  Words that I read yesterday helped me to stay in balance.  I am not a part of the "never forget" ideology.  But I also feel sadness and compassion for those who still grieve.  We are all grieving some loss.  And like a tongue that goes to a sore tooth,  we revisit those losses from time to time.  I like this quote from L. P. Hartley, "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there".

Tonight,  I'll go to my home group meeting.  Soon, my sponsor will be leaving for the other coast.  I am coming to terms with that eventual parting.  We have shared some profound things.  And I see that continuing even with the move.  It is not a loss, just a shift.

I think that we all shift in this life.  And eventually we re-settle.  Upheaval takes a lot of energy.  The steady state eventually returns. I would rather have these quiet days that are open ended.  Today my life feels steady.  That may change in an instant, but in this moment I will revel in the steady and mundane things.

Always sunrise somewhere

A photo and something to ponder this morning.





"This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never dried all at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming; on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."
~John Muir, naturalist, explorer, writer 1838-1914

Early morning at the boneyard

The sun has just come up, and we watched it slowly rise through the bones of old trees that have succumbed to the ocean. Accretion and erosion are life or death forces on barrier islands.

We are thankful for a bit of breeze because the mosquitoes are fierce here. There are miles of trails but we don't dare venture on them until after first frost. The morning temperature is cool, but it will get to 86 F today--Indian summer which is lovely.

Two other sail boats came in last night with some friends on board. It was late so we talked back and forth across the water briefly. Today some more friends will arrive, and we will have a beach cookout tonight if the breeze continues. The insects rule, and the mosquitoes would overwhelm us on the beach without some wind, campfire smoke and chemical repellent.

I feel so lucky to be on this boat that is safe and comfortable. She is filled with our personalities: polished wood, brass lamps, books, thick towels, crisp linens, colorful throws and pillows. Last night, we had Waldorf salad and roast chicken by candlelight. Our old dog looked in on us from her bed in the cockpit. This boat is a home away from home for me.


I hope that you are enjoying some of your favorite things this Saturday. The day is filled with promises here. I am going to get to living those promises.

A day full

Some things that happened today:

• I took one of our Labradors to the vet to be spayed.  She was happy for the car ride, and I felt traitorous as I dropped her off.  I felt better after I got the phone call that she was okay. She is now home and resting comfortably.  She still loves me and gave me a face licking.  The recovery of animals is amazing. 
• A covey (or bevy) of wild turkeys crossed the road on my way to the vets.  They were beautiful. I stopped the truck just to watch them walk-run across the road.  I am glad that wild turkeys are still around our farm.  I think they are neat birds and splendid when they spread their feathers.
• I saw a dead deer at the head of the drive.  It appeared to have been hit by a car.  Burying a deer takes a lot of work.  
• I talked with a neighbor who has dairy cattle.  He has these little calf hutches near his back yard where the calves live.  I saw him at his mailbox and stopped to ask how his cows were doing.  He told me that he was sad because a calf was still born two days ago,  and then the mother died yesterday.  And here I was feeling bad about burying a deer.  He said that animals don't tell us when they are sick.  She was fine one day and then dead the next from milk fever.  I think that he cares about his cows as I do about the dogs.  He does have a 2 day old calf that he wants me to see. 
• I stocked up on groceries for our trip on the boat this weekend.  We are going to a different island up the coast.  A few friends are bringing their boats.  I am looking forward to being around some relatively sane boaters. 
• The sailing and boating club that I belong to had a meeting tonight on whether to a moment of silent contemplation, instead of prayer,  as part of the order of business.  I don't know what it is about religion that causes so much divisiveness, but it surely has been the reason for a lot of killing around the world for a long time.  After each person had their chance to speak,  the vote was to have a moment of silence.  Several members got up and angrily stalked out.  I haven't seen adults do that since the church that I attended as a kid was integrated.  Religious fervor and hypocrisy left a bad taste in my mouth then, just as it does now.  
• I was asked to be an officer in the club.  I declined.  De-stressing my life is a priority.  I believe in what the serenity prayer says about knowing the difference between the things I can change and those people, places and things over which I have no control. 
• And the last thing for today is to read a few blogs,  write in my journal, and shut off the light.  Good night to all.

Life is about cycles

"The water flows, but back into the ocean; The moon sinks, but is even in Heaven." - Zen Proverb.

And it appears that the season is about to change here.  It may still be warm during the day, but the evenings have begun to turn cool.  And the light is changing to definitely be more like fall.  That golden light is so special.  And it seems to be most prevalent in fall.  The humidity drops and the sky is bright blue.  Yet, I know that as surely as this fall comes, and winter follows, there will be a bursting spring and another hot summer.

With the hint of fall in the air,  I can see that summer is fading.  I know that the fall weather with its brilliance will change into multi-hued green come next spring.  All will be repeated over and over as the seasons go round and round.

The seasons are all a part of a cycle.  As I have developed mentally and spiritually, I have come to think about living as a cycle, instead of linearly with a start and an end point.   I know that the years are going by but within those years, the months and seasons keep coming and going. 

Just like the Zen proverb, water flows away, and the moon sets. But they will return in another cycle, whether it be lunar or tidal.  And I certainly know that life has hills and valleys, ups and downs. My best way to cope with those cycles is to realize that each will pass. 

I often think that life is too short.  I wish that I could slow down the years.  There is still much to be done.  Perhaps I had better get going with more projects and try to cram as much into my remaining years as possible.  But maybe all the rushing around isn't necessary.   Life might not be very long in terms of years, but it is packed with repeating opportunities.  I think that real life doesn't follow straight lines. 

This afternoon I went sailing, tacking back and forth to catch the wind.  I zigzagged and eventually got to where I wanted to go.  That is a metaphor for my life too. 

Believe it or not

Today we got some rain from the remnants of Hurricane Lee.  It was a good morning to read the paper, get the final painting done on the garage floor and then take an after lunch nap.  I am worn out from the weekend on the boat.  I get plenty of sleep, but I guess that it isn't the sound sleep that I get at home.  Maybe it's because I sleep lightly just in case we start drifting or some other event happens.

Tonight was class which goes for about 3 hours.  I am working on plotting a cruise around Vineyard Sound in MA.  I enjoy doing the work, although it is tedious.  I am sure that the exam is going to be difficult and will take a couple of weeks to complete.

I am hoping for cooler weather soon.  It is still hot and humid here.  This part of the coast seems to stay hot and humid until the latter part of September.  But the fall garden plants are in at the seed store, so we will be putting the fall garden in this week.  The first really fall day is going to bring a lot of joy to me.  I have sweated and been out in the sun and heat most of the summer.  I'm ready for a change.

C. and I are enjoying our morning walks together.  This morning we decided to just stay in bed a bit longer and listen to the rain pouring outside.  We talked about how damaging insulting words can be to those who have fragile self-esteem.  Once the words are said,  they are like a dart to the heart unless we can convince ourselves that what is being said is absurd and untrue.  That's easier said than done for some of us.  I know that words don't roll off me as easily as I would like them to.  I mull them over, mostly taking to heart what people say, until I can start to repair my ego enough to know that I don't have to believe everything that I hear. 

I see now how dangerous bullying really is.  Those kids who believe what bullies say and don't stand up for themselves have a terrible time.  Mental health is affected to the point of suicide.  As adults, we can choose to not believe all that we hear.  I have to say that to have such a strong positive affirmation of self takes a bit of work.  As someone affected by alcoholism,  I tend to believe what someone says about me, because I am my own worst critic. The negative voices that I heard growing up come back to tell me that I am still managing to make a mess of things. 

I like to think of Sir Winston Churchill who seemed to have some great comebacks regardless of the situation.  Whether insulted or not, he seemed fairly impervious as in this famous exchange:

Attending a party in London, Churchill once again was drunk and intoxicated. An obviously extremely astute woman from Parliament apparently was irritated by Churchill’s mannerisms. When she finally had enough, she came up to him and yelled: “Winston, you’re drunk!” He may have been drunk but that apparently didn’t affect his cognitive functions as he merely replied:
“You’re right Bessie, and you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober.” 

Ballsy fellow, Sir Winston.  I think of these things after the fact.  But even if I could summon up some witty remark,  I don't see what is to be gained by reciprocating the tit-for-tat interchange.  Best to just mind my business and move past all the drama.  Much like leaving the field of battle,  it seems better to not take everything that I hear as being the truth.  
 
Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul. ~ Walt Whitman

Pretty photos and a rant

I want to share a few of the sights of yesterday. The weather has been terrific! I need to focus on the pretty here because the not so pretty is bubbling up.


The dolphins are abundant this weekend. I watched them jumping out of the water and cruising by. They seem to find the boat interesting, often swimming right beside it.


The beach had its share of crazies but all were located in one area. Once the gauntlet is run, there is nothing but peace and quiet. The shrimp boats come near the beach, plying a nearly lost trade in this area. Foreign imports and fuel prices have made most go out of business.


The sand dollar is actually related to the sea stars. When alive, these critters move along the bottom feeding on algae and small invertebrates. Most of the ones I find are the shell. These are fragile and often broken by the waves.


The ghost crab is one of my favorite beach critters. It can see in all directions with those stalked eyes. Most are hiding out in their burrows during the day. At night, they run to the water to wet their gills.

I don't know how much longer I will be coming to this little island that I treasure. I have spent some wonderful days and nights here. It has been a place of peace. Summer though brings some fairly wild and crazy people with a lot of bad behavior. I have written about the stuff that happens here before: the drinking, unsafe boating, the loud profane music and the women that denigrate themselves by pandering to the sexist males on the power yachts.

Today, I am just fed up. I heard a fellow call a woman some terrible names yesterday. He was about to back into our boat, and she was scared. I have to say that one of the things that throws me into a rage is someone talking disrespectfully and rudely about women or to an individual who is doing no harm. It is hard, saddening, and frightening to watch real people in the real world say hateful things.

The woman was deflated and horrified. She evidently was a guest on his boat. Because his boat was caught up in an anchor line, our two boats were side by side. He eventually offered a kind of off hand apology after I said to knock it off. An apology is not a solution. The real solution is to to be aware and to change behavior.

Words do hurt, even if we are taught that they don't matter. If someone makes sexist jokes, says crude sexist things, and perpetuates sexist ideas that women don't have brains or that they are not valuable unless you think they are sexy, whatever that means, they are low lifes to me.

The gleeful skewering of another person, the disregard for their thoughts and opinions, and the total lack of respect for another person, whoever they are, leaves me sad. I know that this happens every day to all manner of people. And I know that we each have our moments of disregard for others. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t sad to see this happen up close.

And since this incident involved a woman, I want to note that the kind of sexism that places value on women’s appearance before anything else is rampant in our society. Flaws can and will be found with any person if hateful people need them to be there.

What I think this incident reveals is the degree to which hateful beliefs can become ingrained and invisible, and come out especially in moments in which a person feels threatened. When an instinctual, and later intentional response is predicated on racism or sexism or any kind of bigotry, we owe it to ourselves not to sweep our actions under the rug and say we are really a good or nice person, except this one time. Instead it is time to take an honest look at what the root of the issue is.

I needed to write about this because I sorely wanted to kick his ass. That is the instinct that I am inventorying.

Long weekend

Well, it is the Labor Day weekend. Whenever I hear those words, I can't help but think of the song "Come Monday" by Jimmy Buffet. I don't know what the show is going to be here at the island. Hopefully, with all the college kids back in school, it will be quiet for the last big weekend of summer.  I have had an interesting summer, filled with all kinds of life experiences. But I can look back and see that this is just a repeat performance of so many summers (and years). The difference is that for the past few years I have rolled with the punches, not raged back in anger or self pity. I know that every life experience is an opportunity for me.  I don't know whether the languid summers of my youth will come again. I didn't know how good I had it at the time. But I do have languid days now in which I shirk the desire to do something driven by another's agenda. I am doing those things that I want to do for the first time in so many years.  So for this Labor Day, we are out on the boat. We will return on Monday to spend time with my wife's parents. I will be a beach bum for a couple of days with my toes in the water and my ass in the sand. Life is indeed good today!

Working on love

Yesterday, C. and I got up early and went for a long walk.  The temperature and humidity are starting to be bearable.  We took three dogs with us who had a great time sniffing, leaving pee mail, and cavorting.

After the walk we went for a sail.  I haven't just sailed to be sailing about for a while.  Generally, there is a destination.  But I think that having a few hours every Wednesday, regardless of weather, to go sailing is a good idea.  It was a lovely breezy day, making the whole experience a delight.  After that we cooked dinner on the boat and then headed home. We were both asleep by 10:30 PM which is early for me.

I don't think that we could have gotten through the day without a lot of angry words a few years ago. Although we still have a long way to go,  I think that our love has deepened over time.  I can see progress in trusting, not isolating, not blaming, and knowing how to express our feelings.  I still want to draw her closer when she withdraws. 

I understand though that there has to be balance in a relationship.  I can see that we are becoming more balanced and that emotional detachment doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Some of us are capable of great, fierce love.  Others love the only way that they know how.  I have learned that my insecurities about how to love and being loved don't have to be a struggle.

I hear a friend tell me that he is starving for love.  He loves his wife but cannot take the emotional withdrawal and self-absorption of the dry drunk alcoholic.  Their views of love don't match.  He believes his wife loves him but doesn't know how to express love in a mature way.  He wants balance in the relationship and an equally loving partner. It may or may not happen.

Living with an alcoholic can be so lonely.  My choice was to take care of myself and not try to make the other person fulfill all my emotional needs.  The most important question for me became, "Do I love myself?" I am still working on that.