Spoofy Halloween

There was another giant Halloween party at the marina this year.  Last year, the rave hooked in a bunch of young people who spent most of the night looped out of their head.  This year, it is another bunch of young people, who for the most part were not dressed for the 54 degree temperatures and NE wind.  I didn't stick around long enough to see if they were getting looped.

This year, the marina put a large fence up around the stage and grounds to keep the party folks from wandering around the marina.  There were a lot of police in uniform and under cover, so I suspect that crowd control won't be a problem. 

But then there are these poor little animals who were subjected to the whole indignity of Halloween.  

One of the favorite goofy things for Halloween are the Bubba Teef which you can order on line or get in some stores locally.  There are a lot of styles of Bubba Teef.  The ones with  glow-in-the-dark green worms are pretty cool, as shown below.

I do think that it is advisable to pack the teeth with peanut butter when enticing the dog to wear them.

No ghouls and goblins showed up here.  Just some squirrels running about.   Wishing you the best Halloween from our neck of the woods.

Perceptions

It has been an astonishingly beautiful weekend with cool temperatures, just right for snuggling in the morning.  We have lazed around, fixed breakfast, taken naps, and not done much that is productive.

Last night, we stayed with C.'s dad so that the live-in caregivers, Elias and Karin, could have the night off to go to dinner.  My mother-in-law is back in the hospital after fainting on Friday.  It may be a blood pressure problem, but she is staying in the hospital until they figure out what is wrong.  My father-in-law griped about the doctors, especially the female physician his wife sees.  He thinks that she doesn't do her job, is not giving good care, and so on.  My wife sees the same doctor and has a completely different opinion, finding her caring, attentive, and skilled.  Perceptions can be so different, depending upon what filter we are viewing others through.

Some studies have shown that those who describe others in a positive way are indeed more positive and happier themselves.  The tendency to describe people negatively is a sign of depression and other mental health issues.  I have decided that it is much easier for me to be around those who have a happy outlook.  I don't want to spend a lot of time with someone who is downing others.

I see myself as a person who has a positive outlook about people and life. I have been a "glass is half full" person as far back as I can remember.  Even at times in life when things weren't good,  I had hope that the next day would be better.  Early in recovery,  I sometimes had to try to quiet my mind from negative thinking and panic for just 15 minutes.  My fear was getting out of control.

Gradually though, my perceptions have changed.  I don't feel as gripped by fear now.  I wish that I could help others to see that perceptions can be so distorted, tricking us into thinking the worst about people and situations.  But I can only do my part to keep myself on the optimistic path and continue to be around those who exude some positive energy.

Steering a course

The acorns are falling from the trees, making pinging sounds as they hit the roof and the deck.  A recovery friend is trying to grow oaks from acorns. He plants them in containers, waters, and checks to see if the acorns have produced a seedling.  His goal is to plant oak trees around his house.  His goal is laudable and his enthusiasm brings a smile.  He has not been successful at much in this life, so I hope that an oak will peek through the soil eventually.

Another recovery friend is once again seeking shelter after having rented a room with a woman who had a couple of months of sobriety.  She has relapsed badly, been arrested several times, and the rent money that he paid was used on booze.  The water and electricity were cut off, so he is in limbo.  He has a talent for writing and photography but can't seem to find a roommate who isn't taken drunk ever so often.

Yet another recovery friend is depressed and brings his fear into a meeting.  People talk about solutions such as religion and therapy.  I inwardly cringe because these are outside the purview of Al-Anon.  My sharing is about service work helping me to get outside of my own sick thinking.  Being alone with the killer who wants me to be filled with fear and self-loathing isn't a good idea.  So he went to lunch after the meeting yesterday which is a start.

I am getting towards the end of a course on advanced piloting.  The exam is coming up soon.  Calculating set and drift is interesting.  I can determine the course a boat needs to take to get to a given location at a given time based on the current and wind.  I wish that we could navigate as well as humans.  So many of us don't correct our course until we are well up on the rocks.

Hoping to make this day one in which I steer a good course.

This is the true joy in life: the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Some new family

The couple that are watching after my wife's parents are wonderful.  I stopped by yesterday to visit and saw such an improvement in the parents.  Both were smiling and had put on weight.  My mother-in-law was dressed up and wearing lipstick.  It was amazing to see the difference that just three weeks has made in their demeanor and physical appearance.

The only difficult thing to think about is that the couple may not be there for long.  Their career is in estate management.  Their last position was running the palace of a Saudi prince in which over 100 staff were employed and supervised.  The gig before that was managing staff at a couple of Swiss chalets owned by a wealthy family.  They have managed estates in France as well.

As they were telling me that they were in-between jobs at the moment, I began to feel small and fearful.  I thought about the happiness of my in-laws at the moment and how that could disappear suddenly should the couple's agent find them a new estate to manage.  When I talked to C. about it, she cried because she knows how attached her parents have become to this couple who have only been there a short time.  They are erudite, speak several languages, are kind, and gentle.  And they treat the parents with utmost respect.  They admitted that they have come to love the parents also.

This morning I realized that there are no guarantees with much except death.  I don't need to become worried about what might happen.  It is still one day at a time.  We can "cross the bridge" of finding another couple to live in should we need to do so.

I also know how our egos have a way of manifesting to let others know what our usual situation has been.  If I am suddenly driving an old beat up truck, I might be tempted to tell others that I usually drive a Porsche.  Leaving a palace to do caregiving at a suburban home represents a major change.  I understand and can empathize, although I have not ever lived in a palace.

In the meantime,  we have two new family members in Karin and Elias.  They, the parents, and the next door neighbors who helped facilitate the job for Karin and Elias are coming to dinner next Thursday evening.  We are going to make the most of the time we all have together.  And that is what truly matters.

If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life. ~James Michener

Outside issues

Sitting at a green light waiting to make a left turn with oncoming cars. A horn honks behind me telling me to go. I am in no hurry to obey their request for a head on collision so I sit, waiting for the right time to move. They honk more, gesticulating to let me know they think I am an idiot. I grip the wheel, going my best to block out the horn and an image of myself opening the door to go quickly to their car, knock on the window and ask "WTF do you think you are doing?" Instead, the green left turn arrow comes on. Saved by the arrow and my own realization that wanting to have a confrontation over this silly drama is crazy.

In a meeting, I listen to an elder "statesman" tell a young man that he doesn't belong because he needs psychiatric help. The man sits with a pleading look, like a kid who has been publicly called out by a teacher in class. I wince at his distress and wonder why someone would want to dispense medical advice at a meeting.

I come in contact with people who are rude about their opinions. They stress to me that the problems with the country are due to one man who took office 3 years ago. They talk to me as if I would agree. I share my opinion and am immediately told how wrong I am. I feel as if I have been shut out.

I meet with a young man to work the steps. He tells me that we need to meet every other week because he is too busy. He has too much pressing stuff to get together. I listen and realize that it is not up to me to enforce the schedule.

All of these are real life situations that could easily get me going down a path of anger and resentment. I know that being confrontational is not a solution. And resentments simply seethe under the surface of my psyche until they build up to reach explosive proportions.

In meetings, there are outside issues that aren't addressed by Al- Anon. Religion, mental health problems, politics are examples of topics that Al-Anon has no opinion about (Tradition Ten).  Someone will generally get the topic back on track by stating that outside issues aren't addressed.  What is difficult for me to do is to embrace that ideal in my real life.

I have opinions on many things. Some of these opinions are strong. What I find is that I can express my opinion without being opinionated. I don't need to get my way or have everyone agree with my point. If I let others have their opinions without trying to change them, then I am not expending emotional energy that will deplete and defeat me.

I like the idea of participating in conversation. Having a dialogue is much better than trying to have my way or carry my point. I am working on this.  When I embrace the philosophy of "live and let live", I am a much happier person.  I can get along with others by accepting that they have a right to express their thoughts.  Restraint of tongue and pen is a good thing.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. ~ George Carlin

Live and let live is a pretty good philosophy. If the guy in the next lane isn't buckled up, why not leave him alone? ~ Anonymous

Back home

I got back home this evening from a trip to Georgia.  It was a nice get-away for the weekend.  I attended several seminars so much of Saturday was spent in those.  However, I did get to reconnect with some old friends.

I didn't get to take as many photos as I had hoped but will post some more when I am less tired.  The little backwater towns are interesting, although most are passed through in about a couple of minutes or less.  Stately old homes with nice large lawns still line the streets of most of these small towns.  At one time, the trains would stop, and I can imagine a much more bustling place then.

As I was driving at dusk,  I couldn't help but feel a bit sad.  I often have the Sunday afternoon blues.  I suppose it is a carry over from so many years of working.  There is something about Sunday afternoon that makes me dread Monday, even though I don't have to get up at 5:30 AM any longer or make the drive into the office.  My body and mind are probably still conditioned for the work world.

I think that tonight I am going to catch up in my journal.  I have been keeping a journal for several years.  It contains entries on what happened that day.  It isn't very philosophical but mostly just a bunch of facts about the day.  A long time ago, I kept a diary as a kid.  And in it, I would gauge how the day was going by the mood of my father.  It was a good day if he hadn't been drinking.  The bad days were those in which he was.  Even at such a young age, I was letting alcoholism dictate what kind of day I had.  Later,  my days were also measured by how well I was getting along with a particular girlfriend.  I wrote very little about what made me happy or what my passions were.

I can see in retrospect,  how much power I gave to others in my life.  It was all about how I was reacting to what they were doing.  I find it interesting how my entries now are about what I am doing and the things that I enjoy.  I still write about feelings for others.  But I am less and less concerned about the power that others have over me.  I find that to be a direct result of how I have shifted my focus in recovery.   I am indeed fortunate to be keeping the focus on me and what I am doing, rather than on what others are doing to me.  What a change!

Friday thoughts and goings on

I am on my way to Georgia this morning.  Thankfully, it is one of the states that doesn't allow people to keep wild animals.  I won't have to worry about hitting some poor lion on the interstate or being mauled by a bear as I go from my car to the hotel.  I saw enough photos of the dead animals on TV to last a long, long time. Enough with the carnage, media folks.

I won't even go into the gruesome stuff about the death of Gaddafi.  And I have seen enough celebratory shooting of AK47's on full automatic for a while.  I couldn't help but wonder how many of the celebrants were killed because someone tripped while shooting on full auto.

I met with a fellow yesterday who is going to paint the upper decks and cockpit on the sailboat.  He is a good fellow and does excellent work.  We will be working side by side to do the job starting on Monday.  I had a bit of anxiety about the cost of doing this.  But I will save a bunch by being his helper.  Being retired gives me opportunities to do all kinds of things.  And I seem to take on more every day.  How do people that are retired say that they have nothing to do?  Who has time for a Barcalounger?

My wife's parents are enjoying the caretaker couple who live with them.  They are eating, gaining weight, getting driven to appointments and doing well.  I learned that the couple are used to managing huge estates.  Their last gig was for a wealthy Saudi. Who knew that caretakers have agents who look world wide for work in mansions?  But they are kind and gentle with the parents.  And at the moment, all is going well.  Living in a palace may be underrated.

Well, I am going to throw some clothes together. I am even taking underwear.  And will head out shortly to hit the road to Georgia.  I am going to take some back roads and my camera.  Pumpkin patches and corn mazes as well as spooky old houses come to mind.  Who knows what I might see? Hopefully, not a zebra on main street.

Divergent paths

This has been a long, tiring day.  I spent most of the day doing some volunteer work for a non-profit organization to which I belong.  This morning one of the members became so angry that she hung up on me when I asked her for some information.  I believe she must have been having a bad day.

I joined this group because it offered some good courses for sailing and boating.  After the phone call this morning,  I realized once again that I am lucky to have a program of recovery.  I am choosing to complete my assigned task for the group and the course that I am taking.  I am not blaming the organization or the person. I find that for some reason though, getting involved with clubs and civic groups seems to be fertile ground for resentments and power struggles.  I am not vested in either.

I met with a couple of fellows I sponsor this morning.  One is struggling to communicate with a wife who is depressed and not wanting to talk.  Communication is difficult when a person doesn't want to hear what another has to say.  It's as if we are talking in different languages.  One person pulls away, and the other advances in an attempt to force intimacy.  These two people may be on a divergent path at the moment.  Hopefully, there is enough love to be able to connect once again in a meaningful way.

I am going to inventory this day and then hope for a better one tomorrow.  At least getting some sleep seems to put an entirely new perspective on most everything.  I suspect that it is time to put away the computer and enjoy the chilly night ahead.

Staying or going?

Every time I read a blog post about how bad a living situation is and how much they hate their alcoholic spouse,  I feel this rush of anger and want to write: "Get help or get out".  It takes a few moments before I remember that I was one of those who felt trapped, lost and hopeless.  I stayed for years in the unmanageability of the disease.

There are as many scenarios for staying as there are for leaving.  We stay in so much pain because we don't feel that we deserve anything better.  And the pain we know is better than the pain that we aren't familiar with in the world away from alcoholism.  Staying is sometimes about hope--hoping for the one we love to get sober and be the person that we thought they once were.  Staying can be about fear--fear that things won't really be any different when we leave, knowing that the grass isn't always greener.  Fear of financial insecurity is another reason to stay--not having a place to go or any means to afford a separate life.  Staying can also be about commitment--not wanting to give up on a marriage or relationship even in the face of emotional and sometimes physical pain.

Leaving goes against the psyche of a co-dependent.  But at some point, people reach a limit to what they can stand.  If there are children involved, then a whole other dimension of complexity is added.  Remembering that alcoholism affects the entire family means that there will be repercussions for the children who are raised in an alcoholic home.  Those repercussions will echo throughout the lives of those affected by alcoholism.  Whether there is physical or emotional abuse, it is especially hard on children who stay in an alcoholic home.

Sticking with the pain is something that is foreign to me today.  I have seen the other side where there is joy and peace.  But I do understand the reasons for staying.  I am glad that we didn't give up on each other before the miracle of recovery happened.

What were your choices when it came to staying or going?

Choices are the hinges of destiny. ~ Pythagoras 

Have I told you lately?

We went out to dinner with a couple that has been at the marina for a few years.    Somehow we started talking about expressing love.  My wife and I looked at each other and said that we start the day by saying that we love each other, and we end the day that way as well.

I can remember my grandmother telling me that it is important to tell those you love that you do indeed love them and to reinforce those words with actions of love.  Sadly, I don't know that people express in words or deeds their love.  The couple we were with at dinner said that they haven't said "I love you" in six years.   But they have only been married for six years!

I take a lot of life's lessons from music.  One of those songs that came into my head as we were talking was Van Morrison's "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You".  It's a beautiful song and one that reminds me to express verbally the love that I feel for someone who fills my heart with gladness.

You see, in spite of those times that weren't glad,  I still felt a huge amount of love for the person that I knew was being controlled by alcohol.  When she wasn't drinking, times were wonderful.  It was only when the disease would plant itself firmly between us that I would feel love diminishing.  I think that we are lucky that the flame didn't die out.  There were some pretty cold embers and not much spark for a long time.

Another thing that my grandmother said was not to go to bed angry.  Well,  I went to bed a lot of nights angry.  It did nothing good for me.  I would sleep little, be worn out the next day, and feel resentful and miserable.  Now, we do our best to resolve issues so that we can go to bed saying that we love one another.  I have learned that promptly admitting when I am wrong goes a long way towards getting over anger.  

I believe true intimacy with other people is borne out of self love.  I know my own understanding of love and intimacy has changed a lot since becoming a part of this recovery program. Before recovery,  I felt righteous indignation, resentment, superiority and justified distancing was something I was rightly entitled to. Thanks to recovery today I feel intimacy isn't a contest of wills but an exercise in vulnerability.  I found these two Al-Anon books helped me to understand myself and my partner:  Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship and the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.

I am glad that we don't just co-exist without love.  It might work for some people.  Or perhaps there is love, but it isn't easily expressed.  I like that we have worked on being able to re-state our love and communicate it freely. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack.  If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.

Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,

Meets the day with hope and comfort too,

You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,

Ease my troubles, that's what you do. ~ Van Morrison

Principles above personalities

It is a beautiful day here. The rains from earlier in the week have moved out, leaving bright blue skies and a nice breeze.

I called my sponsor this morning. The home phone is now disconnected as he is leaving today to drive across country. In 3-4 days he will arrive at his new home.

I did a barrier island tour for a group of people from one of the nearby resort islands on Thursday. One fellow was complaining about how labor unions have ruined this country. He used the example of his visit to China where rickshaw drivers will work all year just to buy a color TV. He thought that was great. I realize that some days people appear in my life just to test the idea of placing principles above personalities.

I have had a tendency all my life to speak my truth. In the past, this was blunt, no nonsense truth as I saw it. I really didn't care who I angered. These days I practice restraint of tongue and pen. I can listen, even though I vehemently may disagree. I do express my opinion but not in a way that is confrontational or dismissive. Believe me, it takes work. But I do my best to remember that I cannot change the mind of another. I can state my own view without being disagreeable or rude--most of the time.

Every day is an opportunity to work on myself and my attitude. I so clearly see that enlightenment takes work, practice, and desire for growth.

Storming within

A weather front turned this warm fall day into a rainy and windy one. That was the atmosphere at the noon meeting too where one of the long timers pounded the table because he has given up, isolated and lost his spirituality over the past two months.

With pamphlets and books bouncing as he pounded, he told of feeling worthless and unloved, of being angry with God for letting his father beat his mother, and for not wanting to trust or reach out to anyone. I imagine that for others, besides me, his behavior was a reminder of unmanageability that we have acted on or experienced from others. Yet, after the meeting, he was hugged and told that he had been missed.

I know my experience of feeling less than and disliked by others comes from long ago rejections. I shared with him that I still can get caught up in a swirl of negative thinking and self-pity. What has helped me to quiet the storm within is knowing that my perception is distorted--not everyone is out to get me. They are most likely just trying to get by and may be experiencing their own moments of doubt and pain due to their shortcomings. We are so similar in our humanness because we each have been wounded by living life. Once I realize that others react because of their own set of circumstances, I understand and have compassion for our human condition. We are all struggling in some way to quiet the storms within. I hope that he will find his way.

Some things I thought about today

Here are a few things that came to mind today:

Whenever I am confused about people and what they do or what they say,  I do my best to remember that they are imperfect and have shortcomings.

I don't often understand the decisions of others, but I will bet that most are predicated on either fear or ego.

People who decide to mind my business instead of their own must find me terribly interesting.  I wish that I felt the same way about them, but for the most part what people do doesn't surprise me anymore.

I know that words can hurt no matter how much I may say that they don't.  What's wrong with saying to someone who was mean, "I don't appreciate that"?

I sometimes feel like a nomad who is wandering and looking for a few kindred souls to join up with.  Some days I find them in the rooms of Al-Anon and other times, I feel like an alien who just arrived from another planet.

I can wish for others to be someone that they are not, but all the wishing is not going to make it true.

Being around someone that you truly hate eventually becomes like drinking poison in small amounts.  It makes you a little sick at first, but eventually the accumulation of all that poison will kill you in some way.  I am glad to say that I don't hate anyone.

I sometimes think too much about what makes others tick.  I need to wind my own clock and ignore the fact that they may be in another time zone entirely.

Trust is one of the hardest things to recover once it is chipped.  It doesn't get put back together well because there is a shift, ever so small, that cannot be completely mended.

If you have nothing good to say about someone,  what is the point in continuing to be around that person?  Surely, I would rather be around someone I liked than someone who vexed the hell out of me.

I stay up way too late and think way too much about topics for which I have no answer.  Good night all.

Until we meet again

Tonight was my sponsor's last home group meeting.  He leaves in four days for the other coast.  It was an especially touching meeting for me.  There were people who came to this meeting who have not come before. There were people who used to come who stopped by.  They came to share what this person has meant to them.  And I was flooded with memories of how we connected and started working the steps.

I can remember how we would sit together for an hour before the regular meeting and go through the steps.  We spent a lot of time together going through the fourth step book, Blue Print for Progress.  So many memories of how desperate I was to get the message, to listen, to have a solid foundation of peace which I saw in this person.  We shared a lot of information with each other and developed a level of trust that I haven't had with many people in my life.

I know that being across the country is not the end of the world.  I told him about Skype and how we can talk for free via our computers.  Nonetheless, it feels like a loss for me.  It feels as if I have moved to a place in recovery that I am grateful for, yet I also long for those times of desperation when we would sit and talk one on one.  I miss that.  I miss the learning process, the eagerness that I felt, the times that I needed to be heard and to hear words of encouragement.

He left me a notebook from his early days in Al-Anon and a bag of chips, including many of his own.  That is a special thing about this group--we celebrate the recovery birthday's of the members with a candle and cake and chips.  We will continue this tradition, although tonight the thought of this has an empty feeling.

This isn't an ending.  I sincerely hope that it is a beginning for him in his new home.  He will be near one of his children.  I want to say, "But what about me?"  I have to let him go because it is what he needs at this time in life.  That comforts me.  I am much the better person for having him as my sponsor.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.- Richard Bach

Sunday afternoon

It is already Sunday afternoon, and it seems that the weekend has flown past. I did not get any varnishing done because of a few stray rain squalls. The wind has been howling for a few days and will likely continue over the next two. I am hoping it will lay down for the sail up the coast on Thursday.

I am gradually getting over the respiratory virus. I am still coughing some and my appetite is negligible. Maybe I am done with being sick for the rest of the winter. I hope so.

For some reason, I had thoughts of the little place that I rented when I was in graduate school. I was in love and living alone. But, C. and I managed to spend our days working together and most of our nights sleeping together. There were parties then--wild and crazy intellectual conversations fueled by drink and marijuana. Some parties were about ten people getting together, while others included all the students, staff and professors. There were great bonfires by the water in winter, while in summer, we swam and played volleyball.

So many of us went on to be professors, federal or state researchers, heads of agencies. We played and worked hard, mostly taking ourselves very seriously. I remember how incensed C. was when she was asked by a dean of a prestigious school to which she had applied for the Ph.D, "Are you coming here to study or will you look for a husband and then leave?" She was one of the few women in the field then. Having to be better than the men was necessary, and there was a lot of bias against women. But she persevered, wrote the Dean to say she would not be coming after she had been accepted, and opted to complete her Ph.D at William and Mary.

I have enormous respect for those who overcome obstacles to achieve their goals. Some days, I miss our impetuous youth when anything seemed possible and nothing seemed too difficult. I remember those days like they were yesterday. Is this what happens when you reach middle age--remembering what it was like back when?

Friday update

Last night, we hosted a drop in to say farewell to my sponsor.  It was nice to see so many people, some of whom I haven't seen in a few years.  We enjoyed cooking and always enjoy seeing people eat what we cook.  I think that my sponsor had a good time visiting with Al-Anon friends.

Quite a few people commented on the distance that I have to drive to get to meetings.  I have found that if a person wants something bad enough, they will do what has to be done to get it.  I wanted what Al-Anon offered so I got to meetings. It didn't seem unusual to me at all.  I was willing to go to whatever lengths were necessary.

One of my good friends is going through a hard time in marriage.  His wife is depressed, he's depressed and a marriage of over 30 years has become strained.  He goes to therapy and wants the wife to go also.  But whether or not she goes is not something he can control.  We talked about that a while last night.  When things are going well in life, it is easy to remember the steps.  But recovery is there to carry us through the stressful times.

Several people said that they would like to come back to this house and land to simply hang out.  They found it peaceful and serene.  One of my ideas is to have an Al-Anon retreat weekend here, where we could get together during the day for workshops, have a speaker or two, and a barbecue in the evening.  People could then go home to spend the night and come back the next day.  The house is large enough to have workshops in different rooms and even out doors on the porch or deck.  It is something to think about for the spring.

Today, I am heading to the boat to do some varnishing.  I won't be going out on her this weekend but will stay at the marina to do some work.  Next week, all being well,  we will head up the coast to the wooden boat show.  It is a fun event and one that I go to just about every year.  Going up and staying on the sailboat for the festival will be something new.

Finally, I want to say that I am glad to be a Mac person.  It is like being a gear head.  I am grateful for what Steve Jobs did.  He created some great tools. But I think that his greatest accomplishment was in educating so many of us about what technology can do.  When he would stand up in his black shirt, jeans and tennis shoes, I thought he was a kind of shaman, a guru who was about to announce something amazing and magical.

I've read that he wanted perfection.  He would say "Do it again" until it is right, profound and astonishing.  I think that he was a visionary who saw a path to something that would change technology and how we think of computers.  He worked to make the vision a reality which is something that makes him great. Thanks for your contributions that I found inspiring, intuitive, and magical.

We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life. Life is brief, and then you die, you know? And we’ve all chosen to do this with our lives. So it better be damn good. It better be worth it. ~Steve Jobs


Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~ Steve Jobs

Nodis

"Der was sum hell raisin outside my bedrum winder last nit".

I haven't written much about the island that I live on in a while.  It doesn't have but a couple of fancy estate subdivisions that are gated.  Most of the land is forested or farmed.  And the island has a large African-American population.  

These descendants of slaves speak the Gullah dialect which according to Wikipedia is:
"an English-based creole language containing many African loanwords and significant influences from African languages in grammar and sentence structure. Properly referred to as "Sea Island Creole" the Gullah language is related to Barbadian Dialect, Jamaican Creole, , Bahamian Dialect, and the Krio language of Sierra Leone in West Africa. Gullah storytelling, cuisine, music, folk beliefs, crafts, farming and fishing traditions, all exhibit strong influences from West and Central African cultures." 

Among old timers, it is still possible to hear this wonderful language.

This was an old fishing community.  Shrimping and crabbing are still actively a part of the way of life.  More people have moved here from "off" because it is possible to buy waterfront property on deep water.  Some stay for a long while as we have and others find that having to drive 10 miles to get to a grocery store is a pain.  There are a few churches.  And there are a couple of country stores.  There is one juke joint.  The island is also home to the Charleston Tea Plantation and Irving House Vineyards.  Irving House markets Firefly Vodka which is vodka mixed with sweet tea.  It makes my stomach roil to just think about that.  That's about it for commercial establishments besides the fish and shrimp houses.

I think that you have to like the solitude in order to live here.  I remember once having a barbecue at which a guest remarked, "My, you do live in Deliverance country."  Actually,  this island and the Chattooga River gorge where Deliverance was filmed, have little in common geographically or otherwise.  There are no crazed red necks trying to take hostages.  Crime is low, although there have been a couple of murders since we moved out here in 1989.  I am sure that drugs have made their way from the city out here.  But so far, things have been pretty bucolic. And if things get a little raucous, the "Nodis" goes up as a reminder.

About the most happening thing going on is the annual regatta which turns into a two day floating cocktail party.  More arrests are probably made during that for DUI's and public drunkenness than occur all the rest of the year.  We don't go to the yacht club except for an occasional oyster roast.  It is old and lovely.  It does have a great boat ramp that we use to launch the jon boat for fishing.

When I first came to the Lowcountry out of graduate school, I worked out here at a Federal marine lab.  I fell in love with the island then.  Somehow I knew that I would live here.  And luckily, now I call this special place home.

Each of us needs a success

It is so hard for people to believe in themselves, even though others believe in them.  It is difficult to trust your abilities when you have been told that you don't have any.  It is impossible to have successes when all you have felt is that you are a failure.

Last night, I went to hear a lecture given by a friend of mine who has been sober for 20 years.  He hasn't had a drink but has difficulty practicing the principles in his life.  His ADHD is part of the problem.  Let's just say that the combination of ADHD and alcoholism makes for some difficult times.

He was asked to give a couple of lectures on marine diesel engines for a class being taught by one of the local marine groups.  This fellow know a lot about engines and is an excellent mechanic. He agreed to do the lectures, but yesterday he flew into a rage about the lectures.  He said that he couldn't possibly get up in front of others and talk, he knew nothing about engines--he was filled with fear and anxiety.  I talked to him, offering up words of encouragement and said that I would go with him to the class.

Well, he gave one of the best lectures I have heard.  His explanations were excellent, his practical experiences were not only funny but informative.  He is a natural teacher and speaker.  He got a round of applause and a lot of good questions.  Students stayed after class to talk to him.  The instructor told him that he learned a lot that he didn't know and asked him to go out after the class for dinner.  In short, he was a big success.

It made me feel good that my friend had a much needed boost to his self-esteem. He needed something that was a success.  I see how the lost years of his youth due to drinking alcoholically left him unskilled and uneducated.  But his intelligence comes through.  I think that each of us needs to have someone who believes in us, someone who encourages instead of criticizes, and someone who celebrates those moments when success lifts our heart.

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success. ~ Anon.

The forgotten

I was listening to music this morning as I cooked breakfast. John Prine's "Hello in There" was playing. It's about an old couple who are lonely and basically forgotten. For me, it is an incredibly sad song:

"Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more,
She sits and stares through the back door screen.
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.

Someday I'll go and call up Rudy,
We worked together at the factory.
But what could I say if asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."

Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."

Th thought of being old and alone has haunted me for a long time. I know somehow that is what will happen. It will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. And it makes me sad.

Maybe that is why I am so glad to talk to old people and not pass them by. I went by an adult day care the other day and the folks there were happy to chat and share some stories. So many old people are left in nursing homes. They desperately want someone to notice them and to take time to say "Hello".

My parents-in-law will not be among the forgotten. The live-in couple are there. All seems to be going well. I am relieved. My wife is cautiously optimistic. If they can get past the political opinions of my father-in-law, the situation may work.

I know that if we are lucky enough, we will live to be old. Medical technology helps us to live longer. How we live and what we have to look forward to is largely up to us. I cannot think about being alone in the future. Today, I can give a smile and a kind word to those who desperately need it. No one need be forgotten.

Saturday afternoon

We are out on the boat for the weekend, anchored behind the undeveloped island with the miles of pristine beach. I am still coughing from the cold that has been kicking my butt for a few days. But there is spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic simmering on the galley stove, and we just finished off a bowl of boiled peanuts so life isn't bad.

The weather has turned delightfully cool. A front came through last night dropping temperature to the 50's. It is such a change from yesterday when it was in the mid 80's.

The lunch with my sponsor was good. It was nice for a few of us to get together. Next week, we are hosting a little going away party at our house. He will be leaving on October 14.

The search for a local sponsor is over. I have asked a fellow that I have known since I came in to co-sponsor me. We get along, but I haven't developed the special connection that I felt when I met my first sponsor. Maybe the feeling will come in time. I also know how desperate I was at first to get better. I don't feel that terrible desperation now. Maybe I am looking for a substitute, and there isn't one. Each person is different. It takes time and a lot of trust to develop any kind of special relationship.

Well, the spaghetti sauce is ready. I am going to check the pasta, light a candle, listen to jazz, and enjoy being in this special place. Wishing you a good Saturday.