Accepting what is

Today, for the first time in a few days, I am feeling light-hearted.  I don't want to use the word "happy" because what I feel is more like relief, gratitude, acceptance. And that has lifted the heavy weight from my heart and my head.

Not long after I posted yesterday morning, I learned that my father-in-law was back in the hospital and in an unresponsive state.  My wife and I spent the day yesterday by his side.  He is sleeping. All vitals are good, nothing on CT scans, but an infection is suspected, so he is being given some potent antibiotics.  He does move his legs a bit and his hands some, but mostly he is just sleeping.

C. insisted on staying with her dad last night.  I came home to take care of the animals.  We have talked a lot about death, spirituality, and grieving over the past couple of days.  We are both at peace with what is going on.  If he recovers, that will be good.  If he doesn't, then he has lived a full life, and we will say good bye.

I have felt closed in with self-imposed isolation over the past few days.  I shared about our beautiful old dog with a few close friends.  But I didn't want to talk about it to many.  The comfort that I got here felt like it was enough.  Funny that I don't know you in person, but you have enveloped me as a friend would.  That really means so much.

Sometime late last night, I felt a great peacefulness.  I realized that all of this has meaning, is part of something so much greater than me.  Again, it is a feeling of connectedness to the living and to the dead.  And that connectedness is so precious, so loving that words can't really capture it.  I feel as if I am back from a few days of being lost.

Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings.- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I am not that powerful

Thank you for your comforting comments about Stella.  I have cried a lot over the last couple of days.  But I have also laughed too.  All the emotions are okay. Every single one of them.

I felt that knot in my chest at various times during the past week.  It was the knot of fear.  I know that feeling well.  It happens when I realize that something is going to happen to someone or one of my animals, and I can do nothing to change the course of that.  It is the fear of the known--not the unknown but the knowing that things are out of control.

I've had that fear so many times--when my father died, when my mother died, when my wife was drinking, when she had her heart attack, when an animal was sick.  That fear of losing loved ones would sit like a huge weight on my heart.

I take comfort these days in knowing that I can take action only to a point.  I can do the medical things necessary.  I can make someone comfortable who is in pain. I can hold them and be with them when death is near.  But what happens ultimately is out of my control.  I cannot love them back to life or wellness.  And that has helped to ease the fear.  I pray for those who are sick and suffering and give them to the God of my understanding--that great cosmic energy that connects us in life and in death.

I used to wish that my love was powerful enough to make others well, live longer, be happy.  I wanted to love my wife out of her alcoholism.  It does not work that way.  And it was no coincidence that the first post I read this morning was one that Pammie wrote about how we can't love someone out of their addiction.  We truly aren't that powerful.  She says it best:

I want to somehow tell the normal people out there to lighten up on yourselves because you aren't that powerful, you can not do anything to change the damage, you can't fix the limp.  Your life is valuable to God and it is OK, I believe, to not sacrifice so much of your life for the addict because all your love is not what's missing for the addict.  If the only thing standing between drug addiction and sobriety was the addict needing love and support.......well damn, just about everyone would be clean and sober. 


Amen.

My girl is gone

My beloved old girl, Stella, who spent many an hour out on the boat and the beach with me slipped away quietly this evening.  She was such a trooper, always cheerful and willing to ride.  She knew what to do on the boat, would get carried in and out of the dinghy, and spent many a night and day as a faithful companion.  I could tell you all the things that we did, the trips that we made, the happiness of having this beautiful animal, but suffice to say that she was pretty much my heart--one of those special ones that comes along and steals your heart but holds it tenderly.

I will tell you that I knew she was going to die a few weeks ago. I tried to convince myself that she would be okay.  The vets said that she was not in danger, but I knew. I knew but wanted to hope that she would be well.  But the other night, she looked in my eyes, and I felt that she was telling me that she could not follow me any more and that I was to go on ahead.

And today, I knew that she would not last long. She lifted her paw, even though she could not lift her head.  I carried her out to the grassy lawn where she played as a puppy.  We sat there for a while in the sun.  Then I took her back inside, called the vet to tell him she was near the end, and when I walked in to check on her, she was gone.

I can't write much else now.  We suspect that she was taken from us by a water borne spore Pythium insidiosum.  If you want to know more, you can read about it here.  She went quickly and didn't suffer.  Most likely her age had something to do with her susceptibility to the spores.  I don't know.  And right now,  thinking like a scientist is holding me together to get through this post. 

I have a million photos of her.  I chose one of us together at the beach.

The day after

The day after Thanksgiving is one in which I am relaxing and cooking up the deboned turkey.  The old dog is still not wanting to eat much, but she managed to eat about a pound of turkey yesterday.

I didn't eat a pound but did enjoy the two meals with family and friends.  About the only gaffe was when Jess, the new caregiver, was trying to get my mother-in-law to eat more than a few mouthfuls of string beans. My MIL looked at her and said, "Well, I thought that I liked you but now I'm not so sure." And then she laughed and said, "Just kidding".  Okay....they will work it out.  Old people and kids can say the damndest things.

I'm not going to any stores today if I can help it.  Tomorrow is our anniversary, so I am going to get a card.  We are going fishing and will spend a quiet day together.

I know that I was pretty nervous on this day those years ago when we were on the eve of our wedding day.  It was cold in Virginia that year.  And the little concrete block house where we lived was freezing cold that winter because the furnace didn't work well.  I spent the night there alone as C. was staying at her parents' house that night.  Now, here we are all these years later in our own house where there is warmth, fireplaces going,  turkey soup cooking on the stove, and love still brewing.

Hope that you are having a relaxing day.  

Many blessings

Only from the heart can you touch the sky. ~Rumi

All the food for Thanksgiving has been cooked.  I started last night and finished with the roasted turkey around noon.  This is the first year that I can remember that I did the entire Thanksgiving meal by myself.  My wife has been at her parents' house yesterday and today.

I feel a sense of accomplishment in preparing the meal.  I like to cook, but this has been pretty much my wife's domain because she is so accomplished at it.  I have been her apprentice for years. I don't think that I ruined anything!

Last night, I went to a meeting in which we talked about expectations and the holidays.  This is a familiar topic.  Several were sharing that they didn't want to visit family or were remembering past holidays that were terrible.  Each person had a back up plan about what they were going to do if situations were unacceptable.

Today I don't feel anxious about the holiday. I truly like Thanksgiving.   I know that we will be there with the parents and the new caregivers. We will stay a few hours and have a good meal.  After lunch, we will sit around for a while, talk, and clean up dishes. And then, we'll head up the road to our friends' house for dinner where I hope that we will play Balderdash, an hilariously fun word game.

I think about what someone said last night--that she wished us many blessings for Thanksgiving.  It was a good way to put it.  Instead of feeling anxious or sad, I feel grateful and accepting. Those are huge blessings for me.

Tonight, I'm going rowing with the crew.  It has been a while since I've rowed due to my taking the marine piloting course.  I'm looking forward to getting back on the water with the rowing group.

And the old dog is coming home after an over night at the vets.  She is doing okay and has been diagnosed with having some arthritis in her back and hypothyroidism.  Nothing fatal, just some more meds for the aged.  I will be glad to have her home.

Many blessings to each of you.

Savor

Some days, like today, I stare at the computer screen, and I swear that nothing is in my head.  It feels as if there is a great void there when it comes to writing anything.

I could tell you about meeting up yesterday for lunch with a fellow I sponsor.  He went through the 12 steps, decided that 12 step programs weren't for him, but tells me that I changed his life.  He is in graduate school studying to be a counselor. I don't know whether I changed anything, but I spent a lot of time with him going through the steps.  I think that the steps changed him.

I could tell you that one of the dogs who is 12 is not feeling well.  I worry about the old ones. They have been so faithful.  I have lost too many of them in the last year or so.

I could tell you that I went to my home group last night.  It was as if I was surrounded by comfort.  Our group is small, but we all care about each other.  A newcomer, who has alcoholic parents, is opening up more and more to share her pain and is looking for a solution.  She said that she got the courage to share because she heard us talk about our life with alcoholism--with smiles and laughter.

I could tell you that I am meeting another man I sponsor today. He is doing the fourth step which is like a marathon in Al-Anon.  He is willing, and I am willing. That helps us both.

I could tell you that my wife and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  This year, we are going fishing together.  No gifts other than love.  There is much history between us, and it is rich and full and complex.  But love seems to be the common denominator of our years.

I could tell you that I am grateful for today.  I know that it will have its challenges just as every day of life does.  But if I got up and knew that every day was going to be the same, I think that life would lose its savor.  I much prefer a little spice rather than flat and bland.

There, I've written something.  My brain just needed a jump start.

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Back country riding

It has been a picture perfect day.  I even got sunburned a bit while we were out and about.  I thought that I would share some photos from the weekend.  It's been a while since we have just taken the back roads to ride around and go on a "field trip" to nowhere in particular.

Junk yards and classic car restorations are a favorite stop

You have to see what's under the hood.  Sometimes it takes your breath away. 

This brought back memories of when I had my Mustang.  It was my first car. And it was red.  I wish that I still had that car.  It was an eye catcher.  

Maybe someone will restore this old pile of rust.  

I wish I were in the land of cotton--well, I am now.  And there are a lot of acres of cotton still being planted. 

An old homestead that has seen families come and go.  I wonder what tales those walls could tell. 

And as mid-afternoon approached, it was time to do a little masking and sanding on the boat. 

We ate boiled peanuts and Vienna sausages for snacks.  Later, we ended up at a great little Mexican restaurant downtown for dinner.  It was a filled up day but a lot of fun.  

I like the good times that we share.  It's easy to be happy when there isn't any drama.  I know that I'm glad for the mundane that we had this weekend. It was a respite from a somewhat crazy two weeks.  Just cruising and doing a little work, sleeping in, having some good food, and being close as two people can be.  Now, it's time to snuggle like spoons for sleep.  In love and happy--nothing else like it.  

Changed attitudes can aid recovery

I was reading The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage and thought that the following excerpt was good.  I suppose that learning to communicate would apply to an addict as well.

"You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings." from the chapter on "What Manner of Communications are These?"

I don't think that it is easy to communicate when someone is drunk.  In fact, I would communicate a lot of anger because that is how I felt--angry, frustrated, and bitter.  And during the sober times, there would be the passive aggressive kind of communication--sighs, rolling eyes, muttering under my breath.  What is the right kind of communication to have with someone who is actively drinking?

It certainly isn't about nagging and repeating the same stuff over and over about hurting me, hurting others, hurting yourself.  The communication then was basically one way, with little in the way of acknowledgement or reciprocation from my wife.  Sharing feelings was difficult and the moments when we had a real conversation based on honesty were few and far between. It's amazing how much love I felt,  but I had a hard time communicating in a loving manner because I was so angry about the drinking.

Alcoholism makes all those associated with it lonely.  For me, it is a lot easier to be alone and lonely, than be with someone and still lonely.  Wanting to communicate and get the other person to understand was a huge need.  Sometimes I would be overwhelmed with my feelings.  They would come out, and she would either sit and say nothing or get up and walk away.

I know now that I was spewing out my emotions, and it was too much for her to process.  And it was too much for me to contain all the feelings.  In Al-Anon, it is a good idea to process a little at a time. Start slowly and work through the steps.  Take baby steps, a little at a time, one day at a time.  This is true for me and for the alcoholics in my life as well.  I don't think that any of us can handle all the emotions thrown together all at once. It's a jumble that needs to be sorted out.

What I have learned to do is to work on one thing at a time. It may take a long time to be able to communicate honestly and without fear.  I am not wanting to air every emotion and feeling like I did before.  I can sit with what I feel and not look to blame it on someone else or pass the hot potato to burn another.

I am grateful that I am looking at what we can give each other, rather than what we aren't able to give at this time.  We have made a lot of progress in learning to communicate with love, concern and respect.  I know that both of us are much happier.  It is true that "changed attitudes can aid recovery".   I'm getting better, we're getting better.

A new attitude

Okay, here is what we are going to do.  We are flying to Texas to eat with Pam and then hopping on a jet to get to Kitty's for the late evening party!

Seriously, thanks for the comments on yesterday's post.  If I were entirely without feelings and longings,  I would not be alive.  The good thing is that I have learned to move beyond the "what ifs" to the "what is", given enough time to reflect. So, we do have a solution that doesn't involve air travel, although it would be fun to have a Blogger friends get together.

Last evening, we had a "summit" meeting with the new caregivers, Brad and Jessica, the parents, and Karin and Elias who are leaving next Tuesday.  We got the transitional stuff figured out about medications and doctor's visits.  We also discussed what to do about Thanksgiving.  We are cooking the mid-day meal and taking it over to the parents house and will have it there with Brad, Jessica and the parents.  After that, we will travel to visit our friends for the evening meal.

The new caregivers are in their thirties and bursting with joy.  Both have devoted years to service through Ameri-Corps and work at the homeless shelter downtown. Brad will still keep his job at the shelter where he does volunteer coordination.  So it will be good to spend part of the day with them because they are also now part of the family. Their enthusiasm is healthy.

Sometime during the day yesterday,  I regained joy and gratitude about the holidays.  And I realize that the day, any day, is what I make it.  It doesn't have to be about what it used to be, but what it is on this day.  Today I am making it a happy one.

I also wanted to share a photo of the latest addition to the animal family here.  This is Raggs who is one affectionate cat.  He wants to be picked up and held all the time so it was hard to get a photo of him not trying to crawl up my pants leg.  He finally decided to do a cute pose.

With the animals around, bread baking in the kitchen, a fire going, and a beautiful crisp day, it is easy to smile and be grateful.

A serving of self-pity

Thanksgiving is coming up next week.  It is my favorite holiday, yet this year, I have little enthusiasm for it.  We have the dining room table set, just as we do every year.  Yet, no one will be coming.  We will be taking food over to my wife's parents house.

In years past, we didn't have a large crowd, but there would be my mother, C.'s aunt,  and the parents-in-law.  One year, we had some of my wife's distant relatives over and their children.  It was a wonderful meal, with little printed up menus for people to take home.  We outdid ourselves.  And what happened was that my father-in-law got drunk, fell asleep in his chair, and everyone left him to sleep it off.  I ended up taking him home, during which he was angrily telling me that he should not have been left.  After that Thanksgiving, we decided to not have any more large family gatherings.  That day left us pretty shell-shocked.

This year, I am just tired and feeling down.  There is no joy over at the in-laws, even though the new caregivers will be there. Perhaps they will be joyful and happy to be around.  I am going to keep an open mind about the day.  We are invited to have a second evening meal at the home of some friends on Thanksgiving.  We are going to that.  Yet, I wish that our home were filled up with happy people who could enjoy this house and the food that we cook.  Would you like some self-pity served with that turkey?

It seems sad to have the table set and no one to sit down at it.  I know that it is up to us to take action.  I would like the Normal Rockwell version of Thanksgiving but that is not what will happen.  Most people are with their family, and ours has dwindled to a minimum.   Even contemplating Christmas is just too much as well.  It seems that the pressure to do something, to get "things", to force happiness out of material goods is overwhelming.  I don't want to do that.

I want the happiness to happen because we care about each other,  we want to be together, and we are the best gift to give another through our love.  That is something to be thankful about.  It can still happen with an attitude adjustment by me.

Little Cat's Feet

We had another nice day on the water.  The fog was thick this morning when we left the boat landing.  The world was grey, soft and had an ancient feeling.  It's not hard to imagine what it must have been like to look at a coast line and not see any homes.  The fog does that--it has a way of hiding a lot of things. Later in the morning, the sun began to burn off the fog and the shoreline was, once again, obvious.

We caught a few fish, enjoyed being on the water, and headed back to the landing just as an evening fog bank was rolling in from the ocean.  After cleaning up the boat,  we both were tired.  I feel as if I have been steam rolled from the sun, the wind, the fishing.

I did head to a friend's house to help him with some calculations that he was having difficulty with on the Captain's exam.  He is a non-linear thinker with ADD.  Even the most simple math problems throw him into a panic.  I helped him to work through the problems, although I don't think that he understands much of what we did.  He has a dream to get a 200 ton license, yet I don't think that he will be able to pass the test on navigation problems.

What do you do when the thing that you want to achieve is beyond your grasp?  I think that he knows this, but says that he wants his life to account for something.  Most of the early years were spent being drunk.  And now, he has a dream to be a success at something.

My mother used to say that it was important "to cut the garment according to the cloth".  When I was a kid, I didn't know what this meant.  But as I grew older and wiser, I knew that it was a metaphor for having realistic resources before undertaking a task.  I hate to see someone try so hard but not succeed because they lack the educational background to pass the exam.

Dreams are important and keep us moving forward.  Perhaps we don't always succeed in making our dreams become reality.  I have had to settle in this life for something less than what I set out to attain.  It is a disappointment but something that I got over.  I hope that my friend will realize that he is still worth a lot regardless of whether he passes to get the license he wants or has to settle for a lesser license.  There comes a point that it is time to fold the tents and move on.

Here is what Rumi has to say:

Outside, the freezing desert night.

This other night inside grows warm, kindling.

Let the landscape be covered with thorny crust.

We have a soft garden in here.

The continents blasted,

cities and little towns, everything

become a scorched, blackened ball.

The news we hear is full of grief for that future, 

 but the real news inside here

is there's no news at all.

I believe that in the chaotic world that often makes no sense, the real news is inside here, and there is no news. It reminds me of what I heard recently that the soul does not wish to move; the soul wishes to be at rest. The soul doesn't need to accomplish anything.  But the ego and society pull us away from being rested into chaos.  If we all truly lived in the no-news inside,  I believe the affect on the outside world would be one of tremendous peace.

Fitting together

Tonight, I drove out to the country to my home group meeting.  There were only three of us, but it doesn't matter because we seem to have plenty to talk about. Tonight a lady shared about her progress of being able to go to an annual party with her alcoholic husband and have a decent time without a lot of anxiety about his drinking.  She was amazed that she could get through the evening without feeling embarrassed.

I don't know that I could get through an evening like the ones we used to have at parties.  Al-Anon says that I can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  Somehow the happiness eludes me when someone I love is drunk and making an ass of themselves.  Maybe it's because I was totally sober.  My solution for big parties where there is a lot of drinking is to not go.  Or if I go, to leave when I start to feel uncomfortable.  The choices I have put me at ease now.  It's good to know that I don't have to feel bound to do something out of some kind of co-dependent obligation.

After just a few days of talking and emailing caregivers for the parents, we were able to find a wonderful couple who have accepted the position.  They are enthusiastic,  capable and up for the challenge.  All the concerns that we both had about finding someone weren't necessary.  Amazing how things fall into place.  As my sponsor would say, "The Higher Power likes to show off from time to time."

Tomorrow, we are going out on the water for another day of fishing.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful.  The moon was rising as I was driving home.  It must be the harvest moon because it was huge in the sky.  We are in the midst of a pretty time of year here.  The trees are colorful, the nights are cool, and the days are warm and sunny.  The tourists have mostly gone home so the beaches and waterways aren't crowded.

Today all seems to fit together in a way that feels good.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. ~Anais Nin

Miracles can be

I just read a post by Lou that makes me sad.  No matter how hard I try, it is hard for me to not have some spark of an expectation for others.  And with that spark, I set myself up for a big fall.  I don't know that words of comfort can make the anxiety go away, the second guessing of what went wrong, the heartache of disappointment.  But I am sure that Lou would appreciate some positive thoughts if you are so inclined.

I see so many joys that people have with their children.  And then I see the heartache that can come.  Maybe my wife and I had some prescient notion that for us to have children would have been disastrous.  I remember the words of a friend telling me that it wasn't the birth that one had to worry about, it was the life.

And the life is a flow that can't be controlled.  It moves and twists, travels rapidly or barely makes progress.  A million circumstances can intervene so that in a second all is altered.  Frankly,  I did not have the courage to have children.  I knew that I would not have been a good parent--too little patience, too much hovering, too much anxiety.  And the idea of loss would have been too much to handle, hanging like the sword of Damocles over my head all the time.

I am in awe of those who have the courage to bring children into the world, love them, provide for them, and treat them with respect.  It has to be one of the most difficult "jobs" to be a parent.  Wanting to protect your child from all the hurts of the world, yet knowing that through the hurts, the child will grow stronger--or not,  has got to be hard.   We both had enough pain in our own childhood to not want to repeat the history.

The growth from child to adult is a miracle no matter what happens.  And I do believe that there are miracles happening for each of us.  Don't give up before one comes into your life.

Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. ~Shel Silverstein

Fishing photos and update

We had a good day fishing.  It was therapeutic to get out on the water and enjoy a warm day, beautiful scenery, and some seafood.  Here are some photos from our day:

The Sea Island Yacht Club where we launched the boat. An old building and an old club.  

A spot-tail bass that was the object of the day.  We catch and release. 

The fishing "hole" where the spot tails like to feed on the dropping tide. 

An eagle's nest--look for it near the middle of the photo.  

The clamming creek where on low tide we can rake up quite a few. 

Raking for clams which was productive!

Our clam take for the day.  These went into linguine with clam sauce. 

I feel as if I haven't had much to write about lately, except living life on life's terms.  That is a benefit of recovery--not fighting what comes but doing my best to accept and take positive action.  Here are some things that I have been doing:

--Contacting people for the caregiver position.  This is proving to be more difficult than I thought.  Good pay, a comfortable house, all expenses paid--I thought that there would be more people applying.  I was naive because it seems that there is much demand for caregivers.  And this is likely to be a field that only increases as we all age.  We have a couple of people that we are interviewing tomorrow.

--Working on the boat which will likely take 2-3 more weeks before going to haul out at the boat yard.  Lots of priming and filling.  But she is looking good.

--Going to meetings and meeting with those I sponsor.  I find that I can expunge the drama of life by going to a meeting.  I feel the weight lifted.  I am among others who live with drama every day, and somehow, we manage to feel a bit lighter after being together for an hour.  This never ceases to amaze me.

--Walking with the dogs in the morning.  We do about a mile together before any of us have breakfast.  They love it, and we get some time to enjoy the property and look for animal tracks.

What I haven't been doing is getting around to all the blogs that I like to read.  I will catch up at some point.  I have literally felt overwhelmed with the caregiver situation.  But I can see that creativity in thinking--split shifts and other ways to get coverage 24/7--is helping.  All will be okay.

Have a good day.  And if you are a veteran, thanks for what you have done.

Gone fishing

We are going fishing today.  Both of us are struggling a bit because the parents caregivers, Karin and Elias, gave their notice last evening.  They are leaving for London in two weeks to work at an estate.

Neither of us has slept well.  I was too anxious to write last night.  I needed to process the information.  I realize that there is a solution.  We are working on that now.

I am looking on the bright side.  But last evening, it was hard to wrap my head around the whole idea of their leaving so soon after they arrived.  But this is what life is about--people come and go.  And now we have to take action to find another couple who are willing to be caregivers.

I do what I generally do.  I got on the internet, wrote up a job description and put it out there.  I could feel the "fix it" rush happening.  I realize that my first reactions of dismay, sadness, and anxiety were pushed away when I did "something".  This is so typical of an adult child of an alcoholic.  By doing "something", I don't have to sit with the bad feelings.  That is part of it.  The other part is that with only two weeks notice, I did need to get a job description out there.

So now, we are going fishing.  It is a picture perfect day.  We both want to be on the water.  After one action, there has got to be an equal and opposite reaction.  Fishing seems to fit that bill completely.

Somehow, I know that all will be okay.  Casting out lines and seeing what rises to the bait seems to be the metaphorical thought of the day.

Quiet contemplation

I went to a good meeting tonight about meditation.  Meditation is defined as solemn contemplation in the dictionary.  For me, I define it as quiet contemplation. I am able to quiet my mind when I am surrounded by nature.  Being on the boat is one of the most peaceful places for me.  Lately, I've been looking out the window at the trees.  They are a Joseph's Coat of color.  Taking in their beauty quiets my mind.

The spiritual aspect of Al-Anon promises that my life will be transformed.  I will become a mature, responsible individual with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder.  I will discover that I am both worthy of love and loving.  I have been mature and responsible since I was a kid because I had to be. Being worthy of love is something that has come much harder.  I am glad to not believe the voices in my head that seek to sabotage love and loving.

I used to think about what my life might have been without having alcoholism be a part of it.   Because I don't know anyone who has not had someone in their family who was dysfunctional in some form, I wonder whether there are any true "normies" out there.  Mostly, I think that we are all messed up in some way and just trying our best to get by.

It has been a rough time once again with the in-laws.  But amazingly, both have rallied and are doing better today.  It is easy to develop anxiety over what is happening as the parents become more frail and sick.  Tonight, after hearing shares about not hanging on to life's burdens, I felt much lighter.  In fact, it felt as if I had given a lot of the anxiety over to the "light".  I thought of it as the same golden light that I saw this morning and this evening as I watched the sun and moon rise and set.

I can't change the course of life's progression towards death.  It is something that will come, be grieved, and released.   Just knowing that I have been through the death of both my parents and survived helps me to be able to hold my wife and comfort her.  I don't want to see her in pain.  But I can no more take away her pain than I can change the movement of the moon and the sun.  Tonight, I feel that we will be okay.  She is sleeping quietly. And tomorrow is another day.

What can I do?

I have been reading about the Bang Bang Club, a group of four photojournalists who covered the Apartheid conflicts from the time that Nelson Mandela was released from jail until the elections in South Africa.  I read that two of the photographers won Pulitizers for their photographs.  The photograph that resonated with me was that of a small girl, striken by famine in the Sudan, who is being stalked by a vulture.

Pulitzer prize winning photo by Kevin Carter

Kevin Carter who took the photograph had been documenting the famine in the Sudan as well as covering the bloody conflicts during Apartheid.  The intensity of the work affected him deeply, and he began to use drugs and alcohol to get by.  He was criticized for not helping the child in the photo.  

The death of fellow photographer and friend, Ken Oosterbroek, affected him deeply. Maybe he saw too many horrible things.  But he committed suicide, writing that "he was "depressed . . . without phone . . . money for rent . . . money for child support . . . money for debts . . . money!!! . . . I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings & corpses & anger & pain . . . of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners . . . " And then this: "I have gone to join Ken if I am that lucky."

I can read about the horrors that we inflict on each other and cannot imagine what it must be like to witness these things first hand.  My wife has talked some about her time in Ethiopia which was for the most part happy.  But not long after she left, many of the people she taught were killed.  She doesn't dwell on this painful part.  Yet, I know those memories are palpably painful.

I have been fortunate to not have had violence in my life.  Yet, so many live in fear every day. And the situation appears to be more desperate than ever here and abroad.   I don't know where I am going with this, other than to say that at this moment, I wonder how it was ordained that I am in the life that I have rather than the one of suffering that so many experience.

I ask myself "What can I do?"  Maybe I cannot do much about the world situation, but I can reach out my hand to another who is troubled, listen to them, smile and be a voice if asked.  I know that there is much more to be done. I am searching for that answer today.

The spice of life

I am going down to the boat today but not leaving the dock.  Her decks are being refinished with non-skid and new Awlgrip will be sprayed on her cabin top over the next couple of weeks.  So far, all has been sanded, faired, filled, masked,  and a coat of primer shot on the surface.

This is probably one of the most costly jobs to do on a boat.  I received three cost proposals, two of which were about $20,000.  The third proposal was from a fellow who doesn't work with a boat yard.  He has been written about in various sailing magazines for his work with Awlgrip, the paint that most people use on boats.  I have seen his work on Le Pingouin which was the most recent winner of the round-the-world Velux race.  His bid was a third of the boat yards.  So with some sweat work from me, we are doing the boat together.

I do miss going out on the water and anchoring.  But it is good to see the progress being made on the boat.  It helps me to keep busy since the last week has been filled with a lot of issues with my wife's parents.  Both of us have felt a bit weighted down with concern over how the parents are doing.  I know that we take each day as it comes which is all that anyone can do.

A load of Ethiopian spices arrived yesterday in the mail.  We are going to be making some traditional Ethiopian dishes including injera, the traditional bread.

This is made with the help of teff flour. The injera is spread with the various dishes and then torn off and rolled.   Berbere is a characteristic ingredient in almost all Ethiopian recipes. This spice is a mixture of chili pepper powder, dried garlic and onions, salt and many other herbs. Ginger and garlic add amazing flavors to Ethiopian recipes.

My wife was in the Peace Corps in Ethiopia.  She spent two years there, teaching school in a small village.  She loves the people and the food.  But this will be our first experience at making injera and the various dishes.  We'll experiment on ourselves and then have some people over to have a taste.  The spices already make the kitchen smell wonderful.

I am meeting with my local sponsor today for lunch.  Tomorrow night, I hope to go see a friend pick up his 21 year chip.  And tonight, maybe it is time to go to the Coastal Carolina Fair!

Life partners

We took dinner over to my wife's parents and their caregivers tonight.  I can see how frail the parents are.  I don't know that either could survive a serious bout of some debilitating illness.  Without the caregivers, Karin and Elias,  they would have to go into a nursing home.

It's not a happy occasion to visit.  We do our best to fake it and pretend to be happy, but I know that we are concerned about them and their downward spiral physically.  During dinner, my mother-in-law had the "1000 yard stare".  She ate very little.  She made a comment that she didn't feel wanted.  I don't know where that came from, but we assured her that she was wanted, and we were glad to be with her.

Later, she, Karin and I played catch with a small rubber ball that lights up when it is thrown.  She seemed to get into that and has a good throwing arm!  We played catch for about 30 minutes which had her smiling and laughing.  Such a simple thing, yet it livened her up and worked some muscles.  I may have to stop by just to play catch with my mother-in-law!

This couple has been married for a very long time.  Their long life together makes me think about what happens when people who have been together for so long lose their mate.  Animals certainly grieve.  Many mate for life. My mother did not want to be with another man.  She said that she did not have the heart to love another because all the love had been spent on my father.

It is hard for me to imagine what life would be like without my C.  So for the most part, I don't allow that thought process to go far.  But it is hard when one sees life partners coming to the end of their time together.  It is something that those who love others deeply have to face.  I am reminded once again just how precious each day is.

Victim mentality

Today I visited a friend who has gone 21 years without a drink.  He still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years.  Having not had a job in three years, he got a trick on Halloween in the form of a court summons for failure to make payments on his place.  It's interesting how he blames everyone else but himself for the situation.  Getting a job would be a great start to a course of action that would lift him up.  I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.

Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around.  I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere.  I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves.  Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not,  tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are.  People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.

What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness?  I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative.  But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.

I don't know if my friend has victim mentality.  I know that I did for a long time.  I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in.  No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse.  I did that willingly.  When I came face to face with my own victim mentality,  I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.

Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others.  I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse.  I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why.  I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.