tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post1901162306747693397..comments2024-02-05T11:32:25.407-05:00Comments on I'm just F.I.N.E.-- Recovery in Al-Anon: Being presentUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-15426792319368236342011-06-29T21:53:15.965-04:002011-06-29T21:53:15.965-04:00I've been feeling the distance of this same sa...I've been feeling the distance of this same sad circumstance. A friend that has been in long time recovery, told me when I started the program that "when you start getting healthy, sometimes people fall by the way side." What was funny was - I thought it would be by MY choice. That I'd see that I needed new friends. Or find new friends thru the program. But the reality is my friends are leaving me. In me, I feel healthier, a better person, more open to hear them but with boundaries . . . but the dynamics have changed. I can no longer offer the same in the relationship. I can no longer be in the game of those that are caught up in their addiction. The changes -to me - are very subtle. I'm not preaching. In fact, my qualifier, my son-in-law who is a dry alcoholic, doesn't even know I'm in the program. Nor does my daughter. And yet as my friend says "Addiction smells Recovery. And Recovery is death to Addiction." One of these relationships is 25 yrs old. But that's where I am today. It feels empty. It feels lonely. But my sponsor encourages me to attend more meetings. So that's what I'll do. Thanks Syd. Even though this was last yr's article, I knew I'd find support at your blog. Peace. JPAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-68821385281573509112010-10-12T16:45:58.598-04:002010-10-12T16:45:58.598-04:00good post. when married while my husband was in ad...good post. when married while my husband was in addiction, i felt the same way about withdrawing, but mostly i wanted to give up and leave. thankfully, i didn't. now that he recovered we have a deep, loving relationship - one i could only dream about before! it takes such monumental work to balance over and over again while in recovery. certainly it's getting better. all i can say is I am glad he never gave up on me either. friends come and go through lifetimes, some stay. i think those friends are the treasures we take to heaven!rasamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11764555919075714168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-13150702142088029542010-10-09T23:13:15.342-04:002010-10-09T23:13:15.342-04:00I have lost friends after starting my recovery pro...I have lost friends after starting my recovery program, my relationships with my siblings who still drink has changed - we've grown apart, and the friends I had that don't drink like I used to, those relationships have greatly improved. Friends that I have made since being in recovery (that aren't in recovery or necessarily need to be) don‘t usually know I am a recovered alcoholic. I did break my anonymity with one lady who I became very good friends with over the course of a year or two because she mentioned an out of town family member who was staying with her that is an alcoholic trying to stay sober, but his spouse wasn't supportive of this and so he rarely went to meetings. I told her if he needed to know where any meetings were in town, I could direct him and told her why I knew where all the meetings were. She immediately "withdrew" is the best word I can use to describe it, from our friendship and I rarely hear from her anymore.mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01700941649031924777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-1714393883736406262010-10-08T14:07:16.243-04:002010-10-08T14:07:16.243-04:00Thank you for your very thought provoking post. W...Thank you for your very thought provoking post. We have to hope that the true and strong relationships in our lives can survive our recovery and grow with us. It sounds like you are in a good place in your life right now.Ellenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10917542327482001911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-48971466091616237712010-10-08T10:51:51.361-04:002010-10-08T10:51:51.361-04:00Ran across your blog a few weeks ago and have been...Ran across your blog a few weeks ago and have been popping over pretty regularly. I am a grateful member of Alanon, also ACOA, married to a man who "drinks too much". I love our program, and I am enjoying your blog!<br />This post - great timing as I await a letter in response to one in my life who doesn't like my changes in behavior. It is a friendship that may or may not make it...we will see. Sad, yes, but the peace of the program gives me the courage to change, yes, even when it means letting go. <br />Thank you for the thoughtful insight today!Lizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16797249102281133361noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-57210410906185559222010-10-08T07:31:12.535-04:002010-10-08T07:31:12.535-04:00Great post, Syd! Being present is so important (an...Great post, Syd! Being present is so important (and difficult!)positivelypresenthttp://www.positivelypresent.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-91395699811622671642010-10-07T19:50:38.391-04:002010-10-07T19:50:38.391-04:00That was an excellent post! Thanks!That was an excellent post! Thanks!Sober Not Sombernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-59471821680069633552010-10-07T13:31:33.999-04:002010-10-07T13:31:33.999-04:00I am not present when I don't want to face wha...I am not present when I don't want to face what is in front of me. me. I usually get busy in the lives of others or chores,anything to avoid the pain. When I am doing something acceptable or productive I don't have face my fears. Everyone thinks everything is fine and I keep pushing whatever it is down a little further. When I do this I feel dead inside. I am just acting. I can fool myself for a long time and then something tips the scales. My higher self refuses to pretend even for another day and I have a breakthrough. If I hadn't been so busy it wouldn't have taken so long to get there. This is how I have coped with pain since I was a child and it is a hard habit to break. It only hurts me. The progress is that I see it now and can accept and love myself even when I repeat this cycle. I know that I have done my best.Grace-WorkinProgresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16386539822343069884noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-83318874716419507822010-10-07T11:27:31.564-04:002010-10-07T11:27:31.564-04:00Very insightful, Syd. I know what you mean about p...Very insightful, Syd. I know what you mean about people changing their attitude and feelings toward us when we change. It is as though we've broken a promise, broken the bargain. They are upset because we aren't playing the old comfortable role anymore. <br /><br />I'm dealing with a bit of this myself these days. Some members of my recovery group drifted away when I was in the relationship with D. Some because they didn't approve of me being gay (which I can't change for them); and some because they felt I had broken a bargain somehow. The true friends stayed. The others are quite distant now. <br /><br />Acceptance is a good lesson to take from that. We can't control their feelings or reaction toward us anymore than we can control other things in our lives - the alcoholic/addict with which we're codependent, friends, other codependent people. <br /><br />Though it is hurtful to lose a friendship you once counted on, I know that you will be okay. You are incredibly strong.<br /><br />Peace - DRiverPoethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01846730934649303857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-3407496025597363842010-10-07T11:09:31.033-04:002010-10-07T11:09:31.033-04:00Nice post, Syd.Nice post, Syd.Sarcastic Bastardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17116577711704241625noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-28737845544904237502010-10-07T09:48:44.549-04:002010-10-07T09:48:44.549-04:00When you say "I have become my own person and...When you say "I have become my own person and not an extension of another" it rings a bell here too. <br />That is one of the best things about recovery for me in my marriage.CiCihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08615265608675467505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-79229982794319342382010-10-07T09:35:25.684-04:002010-10-07T09:35:25.684-04:00This is an absolutely perfectly timed post. It hel...This is an absolutely perfectly timed post. It helps me understand someone in my life and what may be going on. Thanks for these insights, Syd.<br /><br />PGOne Prayer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17455437909918314217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-59804108289568241862010-10-07T09:06:40.824-04:002010-10-07T09:06:40.824-04:00As we grow older (and hopefully wiser) we learn th...As we grow older (and hopefully wiser) we learn that some relationships are worth whatever it takes and some are just not. <br />At least this has been my experience.Ms. Moonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09776404747858099919noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-80377722008964317162010-10-07T08:35:56.729-04:002010-10-07T08:35:56.729-04:00You gave me great insight into my own relationship...You gave me great insight into my own relationship with my husband. Trying to juggle AA, marriage, kids, work etc. this first year can be overwhelming. I tried to do it all at first, now I know it's ok to back off, to recover, and then to walk forward to be present.....drybottomgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10702877045042502693noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-39453177965108117142010-10-07T06:21:03.512-04:002010-10-07T06:21:03.512-04:00nice. yes being present is huge in relationships.....nice. yes being present is huge in relationships...and some change over time, attentions shift...i still value the time we could be present.Brian Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00722940075884718007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-16478530387404395122010-10-07T04:29:00.008-04:002010-10-07T04:29:00.008-04:00I understand this so well -- thanks for such a tho...I understand this so well -- thanks for such a thoughtful post Syd.Mary LAhttp://louisey.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904990175885851041.post-36156050570015744462010-10-07T01:13:53.077-04:002010-10-07T01:13:53.077-04:00you know, unfortunately, I think I am finding that...you know, unfortunately, I think I am finding that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And I'm not sure that I ever have.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17805281199840274328noreply@blogger.com