Gardening time and giving back

It has been a beautiful Sunday here--bright blue skies, low humidity and warm temperatures.  Neither of us felt like doing much yesterday when it was overcast and blustery.  But today, we broke out the tiller, hoes, and rakes and got most of the garden ready for planting.

The garden--a lot of work!

Some good earth with compost added ready for planting. 

Strawberry plants with some ripening berries. 

Raggamuffin, the kitty, checking out what's happening in the garden. He follows me around like a dog. 

The strawberries are ripening, and a few other plants are in the ground. I'm glad that we held off on getting everything planted because the cold snap a few weeks ago would most likely have killed off some of the tender plants.  Today, Ragamuffin, one of our cats, decided to sneak outside and help out in the garden. He stays very close and watches everything that goes on.

We are having a 21st birthday party for a member of the fellowship next week. This young lady has worked the steps, is doing service work, and is a great example of Al-Anon.  Some of you know her story because you donated to her college fund. The great news is that she has aced her entrance exams and will be starting school in early June.  She doesn't currently have enough money to pay for a semester so she will be taking classes while she works.  She is determined to be the first from her family to have a professional career. I think that those who know her understand her determination to succeed.

I have heard it stated over and over in Al-Anon that the groups and people need to be self-supporting through their own contributions (Tradition Seven).  I know that this came about so that groups wouldn't ask for outside contributions and that alcoholics would not be enabled through family and friends giving them money. What if someone is really deserving and needs a little help?  I see no problem with helping someone out who is in need.  And I don't expect to be repaid. I have a philosophy about money that it is to be used for comfortable living and if one has enough, then it is to be shared to help others.  Philanthropy is a great thing, because even small amounts can help others.

I know people who hoard their money, keeping account of every dime. Most of these people are elderly and quite a few are millionaires.  I imagine they are hoarding to give to their children because they don't appear to be spending it on themselves. Somehow I like the old bumper sticker that said "I'm spending my children's inheritance."

I remember how my parents saved their money. I learned from them to be cautious about spending. I didn't worship money but had concerns about how to pay bills and to be self-supporting. It took a few arguments and some deep soul searching with my wife to get over being afraid to spend money. She taught me to be generous. I didn't realize that generosity was uplifting to the spirit. Relaxing my grip on the household finances was an important part of recovery for me. And a huge stress reducer.

I don't plan to die a wealthy person.  But if my some strange coincidence I do, then a fellowship has been set up to help out Ph.D. students who are in need of funding at one of our alma maters. One way of giving back. There are many other ways to help out those in need. It's important in so many ways.

Fully self supporting

The Seventh Tradition says that we are self-supporting through our own contributions.  I understand the financial aspect of that as it relates to meetings and every day life.  But there are some other aspects of being self-supporting that are worth considering.

Being fully self-supporting means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

I have wasted a lot of years taking care of others' business, especially that of the alcoholic in my life.  I gave and gave, martyring myself, and then building a resentment when what I had done wasn't appreciated or acknowledged. 

No one ever did anything to me that I didn't let happen.  And I've had to come to terms with the fact that the things I let the people I love the most do to me were those things that I would never have tolerated in a colleague or casual acquaintance.  So one of my solutions is to be wary of those who are toxic for me.  Not every one can be a true friend.  But I can't run everyone off because my spirit is one that has a desire to be with others.  

I've often thought that it would be nice to not need others and to truly be fully self-supporting.  But in the long run, the words "No man is an island" comes to mind. I know that I do need others in my life and that isolation for me isn't a healthy thing.  It is okay to let the drawbridge down and allow others to enter my domain.  I can just be a bit choosy about who I let in.  What I have to remember is that the support that I receive that is the most dependable is from my Higher Power and those within the Al-Anon fellowship. 

Another aspect of being fully self-supporting is that I don't have to be all things to all people. I can still be a good soul today without having to be a husband, friend, counselor, therapist, problem solver for anyone else.  And I don't have to expect those things from others.  I can let go of any expectations that I have and simply take what I like and leave the rest. 

So in the long run,  I am fully self-supporting with a few caveats:  1) I need others in my life but can not impose my expectations on them; 2) I need a Higher Power in my life because it is my soul and spirit that support me; and 3) I am part of a whole--I don't need to be everything without asking for anything.  I can ask for what I need and in doing so, I become apart of and not separated from. 

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

Dogged and worse

I talked with my sponsor this morning.  During the conversation I mentioned that one of the events at the Al-Anon convention was lead by a declared alcoholic who also happens to be a GR for a group that he started in the area.  He is energetic, enthusiastic and glad to be of service.  The conundrum is that he is also an active member of one of the open AA meetings that I attend.  I see him there when I go, have heard him declare himself an alcoholic, and see him as a GR at our district meeting.

I know, as does my sponsor, that the World Service manual is clear that alcoholics cannot start an Al-Anon meeting nor can they serve at the level of GR.  I've written about that before on here.  My sponsor sees no problem that someone with long-term sobriety would serve as a GR.  I disagree simply because I do believe that these are separate fellowships.  Once an alcoholic serves as GR,  regardless of how enthusiastic the person is, then a precedent is set in which others will do the same.  I know that we both have strong feelings in opposition here.

There is a district meeting coming up in March.  I am struggling with whether to bring this up as a topic under new business.  Perhaps it could be handled by copying information from the service manual and stressing that "double winners" don't serve in GR capacities.  But what if the alcoholic remains silent and decides to continue as GR and the "leader" for the group?  It is a question of how dogmatic I want to be and whether I want to push the point.

One part of me says "back off" because feelings will be hurt.  The other part of me believes so much in the traditions and in keeping Al-Anon at the level of GR and above for just Al-Anons. I go to open AA meetings and don't share, much less sign up for service. I have no problem at all with other service positions being fulfilled by "double winners". They may sponsor, serve as secretary, treasurer, work in outreach, and do a host of other service activities.  And alcoholics have the right to the same recovery that I have found in the Al-Anon fellowship.  The only requirement for membership is that they are affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend.

My father used to tell me that I always wanted to carry my point.  I wonder whether this is another example of the dogmatism that has served me well at achieving goals over the years. But hurting others due to a dogmatic attitude is a different thing.  I am going to pray about this and see what my inventory tells me.  Do I need to just say "how important is it?" or do I need to make it important?

God things

I am bone tired today. I don't think that I have caught up from the weekend. Sailing all day, reading and studying at night and then getting up early to repeat the schedule for 3 days has taken its toll. I think that my body is telling me to rest. So I'm going to take a few hours and do that this morning.

Fortunately, I'm happy with nothing heavy on my mind. I went to my home group meeting last night and did the meeting on Tradition Seven. You know I love those traditions in the program. I used to yawn when they were read. Someone once made a comment that they really used the traditions, and I thought, "How?". It wasn't until I came to understand them in the context of relationships with others that I knew how valuable they were. And that was one of the shares last night--a lady saying that she only thought the traditions were about the group. Isn't the program truly God-inspired when what is written can be applied in every aspect of life--"in all our affairs"?

It's a lovely gray overcast day today. There was a lot of rain last night. And maybe more on the way today. A heavy oak limb came down in the yard while my wife was out with the dogs. She said that it missed her by about six feet. I was so glad that she is okay and told her that God has other plans for her. She said, "No, I'm just lucky." She still resists the concept of a Higher Power. I can't do anything about that. I know that my HP is active in my life. And that has been made evident in so many ways.

Now I'm going to put away the computer and sleep for a couple of hours. I'll then go into work. I'm grateful for having an abundance of sick leave and a great job. And for a meeting tonight that is always a good one.

Have yourselves a peaceful day.

Seventh Tradition

Steve and I decided to get back to writing on the traditions this week. Check out his blog for the AA perspective and I'm doing the Al-Anon take on the traditions here.

Tradition Seven: Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
The primary principle here is inner strength. With this tradition, the group and I am self-sufficient, responsible, and have self-respect.

I've written about this tradition before. So some of what's written here is a bit repetitive of that post.

This tradition is important for our meetings--that we are self-supporting and can keep the fellowship going. It's also important in my personal life. I am financially self-supporting. I can remember when my wife was drinking that I knew that I would be able to move out, if that was the route to sanity, because I had a good job.

Being fully self-supporting is more than money though. It means that I take care of myself. It is not taking care of another nor expecting others to take care of me. Assuming responsibilities for others robs them of their dignity and self-respect. To depend on another to fulfill my needs or carry out my responsibilities invites disappointment and resentment.

I have conceded that the troubles that I've had in relationships are of my own making. If I didn't accept that, then I would be saying that the things that happened to me were caused by other people or things. And the corollary to that fallacy would be that I would have to get the people or things to change if I were to get better. I know though that I'm powerless over others. So I don't put myself in the victim and self-pity mode much anymore. That way of thinking brings with it depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.

Being emotionally self-supporting was not the easiest thing to grasp. After years of relying on outside opinions to feel good about myself, it was hard to believe in myself. I would think that if only my wife would stop drinking and be happy, I would be okay. If only my father weren't so critical, then I would be okay. If only...if only....

What I was unable to see was that I expected others to do what I wanted because I didn't know how to get what I needed within myself. I went to therapy and didn't really talk about myself but would talk about the other person. I kept the focus off myself for the most part. I guess that I didn't have much "self" at that time.

Al-Anon has helped me see how deficient I was in being emotionally self supporting. I realize now that my life doesn't depend on anyone's approval. I need for my life to depend on my own emotional support, and God's help. Sure, there are slips. But all in all, I'm realizing that I have the right to be happy and responsible for my own emotional welfare.

Tradition Seven gratitude:
1. That I'm employed and that my SO is also working.
2. That the groups that I go to, even my home group which is really small, can be self-supporting.
3. That I don't have to rely upon anyone else to make me feel that I'm a great person.
4. That I have a HP and it isn't any human.
5. That I can listen to the opinions of others and still have a choice to make up my own mind.

Tradition Seven

There have been quite a few meetings focusing on Tradition Seven during this seventh month. I used to think that the traditions were boring and that they only pertained to what happened in meetings. But I've come to realize that the traditions can be applied in our lives, just as the steps can.

Tradition Seven has its origin in keeping our groups self-supporting so that we don't receive money from foundations, hospitals or other sources outside of Al-Anon. It's important that Al-Anon meet its own expenses and not be dependent on outside entities.

But I see that this tradition has a great application in our lives. I work and have a good job. I am financially self-supporting. And I'm glad that my alcoholic is also self supporting. We are lucky in that alcoholism didn't wreak havoc with finances.

Tradition Seven also means to me that I am physically, emotionally and spiritually self-supporting. This is a bit tougher for me. I have taken to heart the opinions of others for most of my life. Now I know that those are only their opinions and that I must look inside myself and to my HP for validation, rather than to another human.

In relationships, it's important to consider what another has to say but it isn't necessary to feel bound to their opinion. There is also the issue of control here. Neither of us must do anything to limit the options of the other to avoid being hurt or frightened. I've frequently let others be my HP by being overly dependent on them for my emotional well being. But this Tradition reminds me that my self-worth comes from within and from my HP, not from having to have someone in my life in order to feel okay about myself.

I have thought that my marriage was based in the beginning on being with someone for my well being. I had a need and didn't feel whole without having her in my life all the time. I've come to realize that this exaggerated need comes from my fear of rejection and abandonment and isn't healthy. I know now that we are together to enhance each others lives but not to be each others lives.

I know that my relationship has been made stronger because I am responsible for my progress and recovery. I don't want to feel less than but an equal partner who does my part.

I am grateful today that:

* I am not attempting to control my partner and our relationship.
* I accept responsibility for my actions and know that the problems that occur are of my own making.
* I have a good job and am self-supporting.
* I'm okay with doing things that may not necessarily be something my SO wants to do.
* I have a program that reminds me that receiving is a position of powerlessness while giving is a position of control.

Late night phone calls

I wanted to sleep in this morning. In fact, I did sleep in until 6:30 AM. I got a call after midnight and could see from the id that it was a sponsee. It was the fellow who hasn't called in over a week. I decided to let the answering machine pick up. He said that he was in financial trouble but was going out of town to attend a wedding of his cousin. He said that he would call me when he got back in town next week.

I feel a bit guilty about not picking up but also wondered what the deal was about his "financial trouble". I actually had a thought that he was going to ask me to loan him money. I think that I need to establish a calling ground rule with this sponsee: to not call me after a certain hour unless it is critical.

Maybe I also need to review what a sponsor is and what a sponsor isn't. I'm not a loan agency. I don't feel inclined to loan sponsees money. Tradition Seven of being self-supporting through our own contributions comes to mind. It's something for me to ponder and deal with when he comes back to town.

In the meantime, have a great Friday. And a good weekend.

Seventh Tradition

I went to an AA meeting last night which I really enjoyed. It was at St. Thomas Reformed Anglican Church which itself is an historic structure. The topic was on the Seventh Tradition. I had read in the 12 x 12 about the Seventh Tradition but it was nice to hear the topic discussed in a meeting. I also felt very welcomed and glad to share since it was a small meeting.

Someone mentioned that it's important to give what you feel like giving and another mentioned that he always gives the cost of his last drink. I thought that was a good idea. I mentioned that after all the therapy that I've had, I've gotten more for my voluntary contribution at meetings than anywhere else. I also mentioned that it was a good thing that the hospitals that Dr. Bob and Bill W. wanted to start never materialized. It would have changed the entire focus of AA. The program has reached so many more people by being the way that it is rather than trying to concentrate on alcoholics in hospitals. The HP had a hand in that I'm sure.

Thankfully I made it home without too many hitches today. Although the airlines are never on time, I just don't sweat it anymore. The guy next to me was having a fit about delays, etc. As long as the pilot can fly the plane, I figure that I'm ahead of the game.

I'm grateful that it's the weekend and I'll get to go sailing before my birthday meeting on Sunday. I'm still trying to catch up on missed blogs, etc.

What work means

I haven't got anything special weighing on my mind today. I was thinking back over yesterday. I had a good day at work. The workshop that I hosted went well and everyone seemed to have a good time. It wasn't a big deal since it didn't involve but about 15 people, but when you see people be enthusiastic about something that you've done, it feels good. I also received a special thank you from one of my staff telling me what a good supervisor I was. That was also nice. I think that I have the best staff around. They are highly competent, motivated, nice people. I don't have to worry about the work that they do which is great because I never liked to micro-manage. I spent enough time on controlling drinking at home so it was easy to let things just move along on their own at work.

As I start to think about the years ahead, it is with a tinge of sadness that a career that I have so loved will be coming to a close. I've devoted years in graduate school and my entire working life to this profession. It's been a really good time overall. I still have a number of exciting projects yet to complete and others that are coming up this year, so I have a lot to look forward to. I do miss some of my colleagues who have left or are leaving. Some have retired and others have moved on to take positions elsewhere. One of the big carrots that gets held before your nose is whether you want to assume an administrative position. I've never had any desire to climb upwards in administration. It just isn't my idea of a fun time to do strategic plans, vision statements, budget projections, and all the other bureaucratic stuff. My focus remains fairly pure. I'm glad that my colleagues are making a decision to their liking. It just isn't an enticement to me. More money doesn't equal more happiness.

Work has meant more than just a paycheck to me. It's been a real journey and I've seen some fantastic things that few people will ever get to see. For that, I'm most grateful.

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." Sam Ewing